Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

..

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos.

I'm having computer problems. Hope to get it fixed soon.

Sorry for all the new parents who have recently come to BI.

Sherry

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora...Cara's Mom....saw your angel date....that is my daughter's birthday...and also the day my Dad died.(back in '96)....she told me later that it was ok....for that was when he went to heaven to be with Mimi...my Mom...who died 8 months before him.....isn't it something how those of us will mark the time...and try to pull a thread through all of it to tie it together to make sense of rhyme and reason...and find....that all the reason is simply tied to Faith...that we cannot see or touch but know when we step out...we will have firm ground....what a beauty Cara is....I do know that John David is "around" in some way....and know she is not far from you....I heard a medium speak on TV a few days ago...and she said our loved ones are "a thought away".....I have given a lot of thought of contacting a medium....will give it more thought....it will be my decision....and my decision alone...will not confer with any of the family for this....I know that the bonds between parents and children are 'made in heaven'.....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Susan, (John David's Mom), I think for the amount of time since losing your son, you are doing very well. I look for your posts, as your son and mine shared the initials J.D. I think that people that haven't experienced the loss of a child, can't possibly realize just how hard this path is to navigate. There are so many triggers, between routines we used to have vs. how we live now, places we have been with our child, songs that they liked or we shared, holidays, birthdays, events, anniversaries of dates of death, services, and then there are things said or posted in picture form that we normally wouldn't have thought twice about, which now bear new meaning, and sometimes great hurt. They really don't get it. They don't understand that when they offer "call me if you need me", that we won't... we don't have the energy, we don't want to bring others down, and we hope they will be the ones to check on us, and see how we're doing, and we are often disappointed by that expectation. I am glad you are here, as we understand. Tell us more about your son when you can.

It does give me some peace to imagine my son, Jared, meeting all of the angels represented here in heaven. I picture them having discussions about us, with each of them fully understanding what we are going through, and I believe they do collectively wish for us to find a firmer footing, and wish for us peace and happiness. They know, as God knows, there is no time table, we can only go each at our own pace, and it feels like an uphill battle the whole way.

Yesterday, we had one of those days, when two out of three of us immediate family, were super moody, and lashed out at each other. Thankfully, it wasn't all of us at one time, as I can't imagine how it would end, or what things might be said that couldn't be taken back. The one thing that each of us realizes, is that we don't mean to hurt each other, and it is the great sadness and feeling of injustice that drives us to the point where we can't hold it in. Everyone kissed and made up by the end of the evening, but there were some tense moments.

It all started with my daughter googling her brother's name, and she read one of the early press releases, where they misreported the facts. I have known the press release was there, and how it caused the general public to misunderstand what really happened, and of course, it seemed that any negative comment was directed toward my son, the victim, and NOTHING at all stated about the driver. There was never any correction made, not even after the 6 month long investigation was completed, which if made public would have put everything in a much different light. Because the police did not feel they could be successful in pursuing charges, they pressed NONE. That is why we are now pursuing civil charges, and can't publicly reveal the facts that we have come to know. It is excrutiating, knowing what we know and not being able to put our side of the story in a headline.

They asked me before they closed the casket at the funeral, if I wished for my son to be buried with the necklace he was wearing, which was the SWORD OF TRUTH, and I requested that it be given to me to keep. I did not want the TRUTH, that the necklace represented to me, to be buried with him, but it hangs here on my wall, next to my desk, as a constant reminder that my mission is to make the TRUTH known.

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Sweet Becky....you are the Warrior Mother....and you carry us all forward with your courage...and you are so right....we come here...for only those that walk in our shoes...knows....Dee has given a shaft of sunlight on this dark...so many of you have put your arms out....for you know....as we know....we need a life saver of arms and hearts as we join this forum....we found it in our agony...we find kindred spirits....Bless each of you....

[ericasmom]

Long day, many meetings, must get to bed but just a quick word:

Gretchen, that painting is one of my favorites, I love Chagall anyway, but that one is so special. We have several Chagall's at the Art Institute of Chicago, one of my favorite places to be. We will take a field trip there in two weeks. The blue Chagall windows are there, a gift from Chagall to our city.

Becky, love the necklace.

Terry, Susan, All those new here, we are not the same as we used to be, we can't be. When we gave birth, we changed, we could never be who we were before the birth of our children, and likewise, we cannot go back to the way we were before our Child left us. We will continue to change and morph but we can't be the same as we once were. It is okay though, tell those who love you that it is okay, we will still always love them, we will take care of ourselves, and we will live our best lives in honor of our Child/Children.

Sherry, sorry that you are having tech trouble. Come back when you can Dear.

Someone wrote today, was it you Lora, that you are having nightmares not about Cara's dying but other things that are disturbing. I had many, actually all my life but certainly more after Erz died, just the way the world was toppled over and all sense of balance was gone led to the many worrisome dreams I had.

[Mom of Chip]

New here...Wish I had found this forum months ago.

August 3, 2012 my son who was 46 at the time succumbed to pancreatic cancer. He left us only 5 weeks from the diagnosis...We thought we had about 6 months..It has been a rough road. Each day there are memories that trigger my tears. He lived with us the last 4 years....and when he was diagnosed I became his primary caregiver. He was strong and did as much for himself as he could...but he went down quickly..had breathing problems and that's what really caused his death...fluid was building up around his lungs and one lung was beginning to collapse.

There are so many things that I wish I could have talked with him about...but time ran out.

People don't seem to understand..It's been almost 6 months. They think I should be adjusted to his being gone by now...but it's not that easy. He was part of our household for the last 4 years...there are so many memories of him in the house.

I have read many of the postings in this thread and others...I feel your pain and I believe you will understand mine. I need someone to talk to and pour out my feelings....I hope I have found that place here. Hopefully we can get thru this together.

Thank you for your support,

Del

[shellyku]

Dear Del - I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. No matter what age our child

is when they leave us, it is the most devastating experience a parent could ever dream

of. That your son lived with you for the past 4 years of his life hits even harder, I believe.

My 29 year old daughter died from leukemia in August of 2010. It is a hard, rocky road

to be sure, but it will get softer as you go. You have found here a place where each and

every one understands your pain, will listen when you scream, and will walk beside you

on your grief journey. I encourage you to come back and read and post and tell us of

your son. This is a "circle of friends" and we will join hands with you. Peace to you and

prayers for your healing. Shelly

[Mermaid Tears]

Del...Mom of Chip.....our son's have the same Angel Date...August 3rd, 2012.....John David got C-Diff.....and things went from bad to worse very quickly....so fast....we had to "suit up" to go see him....that contagious...and hospitals don't really want the public to know how infested hospitals are with it.....and there is a 'memory maker' in every corner of our home...but even without those...the memories are in my heart and soul....am so sorry for your loss and pain...but here you can share...relate...reach out...and find others that 'know' the darkness and deep sadness that can overcome you...please read the posts....I do....and in each one will be a word or words that will help you bridge into the next hour....once again...I am up at 3 in the morning...those are the times I feel as if I can only go from hour to hour....other times...I can go day to the next day....Blessings to all...

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky....the necklace is profound....and the way you showcase it and word it....is very moving...thanks for sharing....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks, Susan, and others for commenting on Jared's necklace. He wore it often, and had very strong beliefs about truth and justice. He kept a card on his bulletin board of "Army Values" that his dad had given him, which spoke about bravery, honesty, integrity, etc., and it was a part of his fabric.

I took that necklace with me the day we had to meet with the attorney general and the police department to learn of the conclusion of their investigation into the crash that took Jared's life. I laid it on the table in front of me before we got the meeting started. My arguments with their findings fell on deaf ears, but my husband told me later that I pounded my fists on the table when making certain points, and had that necklace bouncing! I was so angry and so hurt by all of it, as they spoke of Jared as an object, not a person, and we were just overwhelmed at the evidence they had and didn't act on. They claim the laws didn't support a charge. I was appalled at how they wrapped it up in a neat package to be filed away and never spoken of again. Without court orders, none of their supporting documentaion, even the 911 call, is available for us to see or hear.

We will use this "falling through the cracks of justice" in our campaign to change the laws here.

Del, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I am glad you found us. It is a sad reality that brings us here, but we are here for each other in ways that others just don't understand.

[Guest]

.

[tobyfreefoot]

becky-the necklace is the perfect symbol of your fight for your son!

del-yes i believe you have found the place where people will allow you to express anything you want without judging, knowing so many emotions ourselves someone will always understand.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Is this a sign???

Look-a-Like? Today, a representative from one of our Pop Warner suppliers for football equipment, sends me a email with a picture of the uniform that they can make for us that they say is less expensive than what we have now.... I open the document, and there is Jared staring at me! I wrote him back, and he says it's their model, a player from a California team.... I sent him back this, a side-by-side, his "model" first then two of Jared.... wow! ♥

Am I seeing what I want to see, or does this model (Pic #1) look like my son (Pics 2 & 3)???

[Mermaid Tears]

Amazing Becky.....now....'someone' picked out that photo...'someone' guided their choice....into your hands....I know you probably got down on your knees with 'gratitude'.....to have this 'message' to come right to you.....I feel very blessed by this....truly I do.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

This salesman is new this past year, and doesn't really know me, other than a couple of email regarding orders. I had not told him about losing my son, just trying to conduct business as usual, and there it was!!

Getting ready to leave here for my last meeting of Pop Warner, to swear in the new president. Maybe this was Jared's way of reaching out to steady me. I am grateful for any sign of him, just wasn't expecting it to come down this avenue!!

Amazing Becky.....now....'someone' picked out that photo...'someone' guided their choice....into your hands....I know you probably got down on your knees with 'gratitude'.....to have this 'message' to come right to you.....I feel very blessed by this....truly I do.

[ericasmom]

Becky, most amazingly a sign, a strong wonderful sign from your loving Boy. He is letting you know that he is with you in so many ways, so proud of the work you are doing.

I hope that you will remember that whether your hard work at working toward truth adn justice with the folks in charge delivers what you hope or not, you are standing where your Boy cannot and he is letting you know how proud he is of that. You stand for truth and justice, his, and your work can never be seen as failed or lost, it is an act of justice that you are carrying like a torch on the dark road

Chip's Mom, I so hope that you come here often and feel very free to talk and cry and yell with us as we share so many similar emotions, so many similar pains. Tell us more about your Boy. Tell us more about your life when you are able. Glad that you found us.

Lora, don't know why the old, I mean OLD computer at school will not allow my posts, but for some reason the reply button is not lit up as it used to be and the sign in button does nothing when I click it. I could use the laptop for it but that one is sometimes monitored, don't really want to expose our little home to the folks that may be looking for something on an employee. I keep that one strictly business.

[Sholl1955]

Hello to all.

I have been away for a bit but have read every day. What an incredibly special site this is! You can see and feel the strength and support as you read the posts and the caring.

I have been at my new job for 1 week now. It is going to be a wonderful job and know it is the right place for me. I have never worked where ALL of the staff in the organization are really glad to have me join them. I was at my last job 20 years so starting new is indeed different. However I feel like I have been there longer than a week and the fit is good. My Sarah would be so happy! For many reasons she wanted me to leave my previous job and was always trying to convince me. I needed to quit and seek a job that would allow me to be with my husband and grandaughters more and she would be so excited. I did decide to share with my boss and coworkers about Sarah. I am in a position of management and shared with my staff too, as I know I am far from being far enough along on this dreadful journey to expect there not to be hard times when something triggers a memory. Everyone has shown me support. Not pity but truly supportive. Working is good for me as I do focus on my job so it gives me 8-10 hours in the day that I have to divert my mind and thinking. Not that I don't think of Sarah and feel the pain 24/7 but it keeps me busy. The 3 months I was off work was good for getting my physical strength back, but the pain was getting more intense again.

Carol, I would like to take lessons from you on seeing signs from Sarah. I try and try but don't seem to see many.

I want to share one thing that may not make sense to anyone, however I know I can share anything here. Since Sarah died, I have been plagued with one thought that I cannot shake. She fought so very very hard to beat the cancer that took her. In fact she was in active treatment and the doctors gave her a positive prognosis, then things turned and she went downhill fast, but still fought to the very end. She did not want to leave her little girls 3 and 5. I am having such a hard time seeing her as being happy. I know she is in heaven, and I know we will see her again, and I know that heaven is a wonderful place but I picture her so sad because she left her babies and they are in pain. This makes no sense that I feel this way because she was not afraid to die, she knew where she was going but she did not want to leave the girls. This just haunts me and I cannot seem to see it differently. As I said it does not make sense, but it is what it is. I just needed to share it with someone.

I appreciate all of you.

Sandy

[KC's Mom]

Sandy I could only picture my son sad for a long time. KC died from a drug overdose. He had been doing so well, seeing a counselor, going to meetings, getting a sponsor and had been clean. He was living with us and for whatever reason he bought and eventually used. My husband found him up in his bathroom. I knew he would have been so upset for leaving us and disappointing us, his girlfriend and friends. I could only picture him in tears for a very long time. I still do sometimes but I now I can picture him happy as well.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy...just wish I lived close by to you....that is how we care for each other....I am guessing cause I am a new one.....really...that is in my heart...for true.....

[tobyfreefoot]

i figure that though they may see us in pain they have the big picture and know everything will be fine in the end. "all's well that ends well, i suppose" just like watching your baby teething, you try to ease their pain but know it is just something everyone must go through. i do hope that everyone, especially children can find some peace and comfort. i guess if you believe in prayer that is what you pray hardest for. on eternity's timeline this life's troubles are just a ripple in the pond.

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I think the Kids who left suddenly may have found themselves in a confused swirl of leaving, landing in a place that they were unsure they were supposed to have been. I do think however that they adjusted quickly and with the grace of other Angel Beings. I think that the Kids that left after a long struggle with illness met with an immediate sense of lightness and strength where there had been so little in the months of struggle. I know that they did not want to leave, but I do think that they found happy quickly.

I don't think it odd that you wonder if your Child is unhappy, worried, or regretful, I think that we many of us did wonder that. I do think however that the Kids are happy and beyond well. They are with us in ways that we will not fully understand perhaps until we are there too, but they are with us. Your Girl Sarah is with her Girls watching them grow and while this is not what anyone planned when she had them, she is so proud of how you and the Kids are doing. Yes, it is hard to see her girls struggle with her being gone, but forward they go and she is quite secure in their hearts. Remember what a fighter she was, well the girls have some of that Sarah in them. Strength for the road.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you for that, Dee!

I was going along at a steady pace when I first began this journey, very strong in my belief that though I didn't understand why Jared had to be taken from us at such an age, when boyhood was behind him, and becoming a man was something he was just beginning to embark upon, but I believed firmly that God had taken him to that blissful place we think of as heaven, and thought how happy he must be with all the wonders he would see there, and all the new discoveries... and then one day, it hit me like a ton of bricks.... HOW COULD HE BE HAPPY???

How indeed could he be happy when we weren't, because we missed him so much, wouldn't he be missing us just as much?? I posted that thought to Facebook, and got hit with some suggestions that I needed to read some books about heaven, as I didn't understand what it was like. Ok, I am reading this, and following it so far.... but then they said "your son is happy beyond belief, he doesn't miss you", and that cut through me like a knife! How dare this person tell me, a grieving mom, that our son wouldn't miss us!! I was furious!! She went on to suggest some literature on heaven that I should read. I signed off FB, but went back each day for about three days, and read and re-read her post to me.....

I got curious... I ordered two of the books.... "Heaven" by I can't remember who, cause it was straight up boring... and the other was "The Shack", which I read in just a couple of days, because I couldn't put it down.

It was kinda out there, even for someone who had been brought up in church, but the storyline of it was taking a grieving and angry father who had lost his little girl through the process of seeing her through the eyes of God... in HER new "normal", and somehow it brought me peace. Then I realized what this person who posted me meant, not that my child didn't remember his family, or didn't love them, but our children are in a new state of being, and as such had let go of all the things that made them human..., our worry, our impatience, our giving our problems to God, only to snatch them right back out of His hands a minute later, as we just have to do things ourselves.... our angels have let go of those earthly restraints, and even when they see us struggle, they are still going to smile, because they can see past all of this that is our lives here, and while we hope and pray for a blessed reunion, they KNOW it's coming, no doubts, no fears, no tears.

It's like a complete role reversal... remember when we took them to daycare or school the first time, how they looked at us with yearning for us to take them in our arms and take them back home, to the safe place? We knew because we had more knowledge and experience, what it was they were fearing, but we smiled, because we knew they would grow and learn. Now here they are, watching down on us, and seeing how we cope with our new set of circumstances. Now it's our turn to step out and learn to walk. They, like we were when we set them out to meet the world for the first time on their own, are wiser than us now, They are suddenly more mature than we are... they KNOW we'll be ok, that this parting is only temporary, and that we will be together again.

[shellyku]

I have a long story that I'lll try to condense as I am up at 2:30 a.m. and need to get back to bed.

On the subject you brought up Sandy, and that Becky nailed I believe, something happened to

me that blew my mind:

I went to a yoga class with a neighbor some months ago. My neighbor told me that there was

a medium in the class (my husband said there were probably a few larges too!), and that this

woman told my neighbor things she couldn't possibly have known. At this very small class, only

myself, my neighbor, the medium and the instructor, we got to talking about loved ones who've

passed. I mentioned that my daughter died and my father had passed away 2 months before.

After class the medium approached me and told me she had "the gift" and that my daughter

was in a jogging suit. "Excuse me?" I said. She said that Sarah is running marathons and that

she loves it. Ok now I'm like "yeah, right!" She went on to say that I have a special place in

my bedroom for Sarah and that when I kiss her picture she sees that. Ok...MIND BLOWN! It is

absolutely true...I have a wall cabinet with a picture on top and all things Sarah inside in my

bedroom and I kiss her picture every morning and every night. The next thing she said as she

looked into my eyes is "I'm happy Mom, I'm really happy".

By the way, Sarah ran track in high school and loved it! I believe!

[Guest]

.....

[makenzieh]

It is hard to go into yet another new year without my son.............as all of you who on this forum must also do. One "friend" actually told me on New Yrs Eve that in her opinion,....... 2012 had been an awesome year for me..............my heart broke that she would think that. No year will ever be "awesome" for me again; .............2010 changed my future. But I have learned to look at what remains in my life, and do my best to find peace in all the good that remains.------------- It is just that others use the wrong terms, when they have not gone through the horror of losing a child. How can they possibly know that we are no longer the people they think we are?? We are running around looking the same on the outside, when a huge part of us is forever gone..........not one part of our bodies works the same now; not one thing inside us feels the same. Nothing in the external world looks the same to us. Thank God others do not know that at any time, they too can enter this "new way of being"................and I pray they never have to. For those of us who must learn to live this new life.............may God give us the courage to go on and find the peace we crave............and keep our children forever in His loving embrace.

[makenzieh]

To Chip's Mom......... Be very gentle with yourself this first year........every breath you take will hurt; every day will be a struggle. Pray for strength. Above all else, find 1 person who will allow you to talk about everything you want to talk about. Someone who will allow you to say the same things over and over again, as often as you need to same them. I recently read a good book by Mary Neil, "To Heaven and Back"......when you are able, try to read it. At the end she says each of us need to address anger, rage, fear and guilt before we can begin to heal. I found such truth in that.........it has been over 2 years since my son died, and I have travelled through those 4 emotions over and over again. I like to be in control of myself, so those emotions are hard for me to acknowledge. I had such rage towards so many different things. I am better now that I know it is ok to be enraged. Our children should still be here with us.....and they are not; they should have been able to be healthy and live full lives, and they were robbed of this. We could not save them.......and that is a parent's primary job............and so we feel we failed. Talk....talk....talk..................it is the only way to travel down this lonely road. And pray...............I do know in my heart that my son is in a most amazing place, he is fine and happy, and wishes I could be the same................but I am stuck here on earth as a mere human, and it is hard to feel happiness when he is not here to hug me. But I try to reclaim a little more joy each day so he will know I am ok, and at peace knowing he is well-taken care of and waiting for the day we are all together. Another good thing to do this first year is to read.............everything that will make you feel close to your son. I shall pray for you and for all parents travelling this road without our precious children.

[makenzieh]

Many people think the death of an adult child does not hit a parent the same as if the child were still small.....WRONG. It HITS JUST AS HARD. Our kids are our kids forever. Every stage they went through is stamped on our hearts......and we rejoice that we were able to see them become adults, but they are our little ones all the same. The loss is horrific. No other word even comes close to describing the agony of living without a child. So..... we must turn to other bereaved parents, who truly understand, and forgive our friends and family who just do not get it..................there is no way they can possibly understand this. And we must learn to accept that they do not mean to hurt us with the seemingly "hurtful" things they say. Books and support groups and forums are our source of comfort and understanding now.................and prayer. I do so know in my heart that all of our children are looking at us and wish we could know what they know.....................that there will come a day when we shall be together, all pain and worries and earthly concerns shall fall away, and we shall be filled with a kind of joy that we humans cannot possibly fathom. That joy is what was waiting for our kids, and washed over them immediately when they passed to the other side. And so they watch us, and smile down on us, and try so hard to reassure us.................we must be open to allow their peace to reach us, and to feel their arms still around us. They truly do not leave us......we must just be able to feel them in this new way. Just open your hearts to this knowledge, and they will touch you and bring you peace, until we are in thier new world beside them!!!!!

[KC's Mom]

I was given a very good book at the time of my son's death that helped me a lot. I have since given copies of this book to others that have lost a child. It is called "there are no words" byCharlie Walton. It helped me to know I wasn't crazy. I literally felt like I couldn't breath for the 1st two weeks, I would get short of breath. And that is one of the first things he talks about. He also deals with guilt. It is a very good book but the only place I have found it for sell is on amazon.

But one if the chapters is "we lost the cat but keep losing the kitten." It means that we lost our child which is the big loss but we continue to lose the kittens which are our memories of our child and the hopes and dream we had for them along the way. We never stop losing the kittens!

This just made sense to me and is so true.

[makenzieh]

I guess I should give a little background about my son. I posted on Loss of a Child......but not on here before. My son was 41, and had suffered from constant svere migraine pain for over 10 years. He had suffered a fall from a ladder and survived this, only to have these migraines totally disable him over the course of the next 10 yrs. He had to sell his highly successful business that he had built solely on his own hard work. He was no longer able to be a husband or father to his 2 girls, and he saw himself as a burden to everyone. He saw over 50 doctors, had 5 surgeries, and still no relief for him. The last 2 years he lived in a dark room, addicted to prescribed oxycodone, and truly never without migraine pain. He had attempted suicide 2 times prior to the night he drove head on into a semi, and died on impact. He had talked with me honestly about his need to leave in a way that his girls would not think of him as a quitter......that they would think he died in an accident. He often told me he did not want to die, but it was just impossible for him to find a way to live. SO SAD TO HEAR FROM YOUR CHILD!!!!! And so our family does not talk about how he died.......kind of hard on me, and it does not feel right to deceive his kids. My daughter in law had come to see my son as a liability.....and she was not treating him well at the end. She had told me she was leaving him, and I fear she told him that on the night he chose to leave us. She has also behaved in a way since his death that can only be seen as a celebration of her new freedom and status of being "single". VERY Painful to watch this, and still maintain a close relationship so I can be a part of my granddaughters' lives. I feel rage towards her......and that makes me sad. I do know the road she travelled the last 3 or 4 years with my son was hard for her as well. I have prayed for tolerance and a way to accept that she is in pain as well....................and finally after 2 years, I actually feel my love for her returning, and feel such sadness that she lost so many years with her husband when he became so ill, ...................and I can now remember the way they were in the early years...............such loved they shared!!!!! Thank You to God for turning my heart to see that her loss is much differnet from my loss. There will come a day when she will be forced to feel the pain.............she will no longer be able to run from it............and it will be devastating for her then. She will need all of us to be there for her and her children...............thankfully I have remained close to her, while in such awful pain myself..............I never let her know how much more pain she was inflicitng on me with her behavior. God is so very good to us................I know my son would be proud of me, and he did so love his wife. I remember when he first told me about her....he said, "Mom.....she reminds me of you." What a nice thing to hear form one's son about the girl he wants to marry!!! I do so love her, and I know the strength to get through these past 2 years has come form God, and from my son wathcing over all of us. So that is my story; I do hope each of you can find peace over time, and that you too can feel your child with you each day, as I truly do feel my son's presence.

[Mermaid Tears]

Angelfox....what a world of wisdom and care you have just reached out to us with...blessings to you and your path and prayers....and yes...I agree...it doesn't matter if our child was 5 or 16 or 22 or 35 or 42 or on and on.....I do believe a Mother has this thing I call it double vision...I have told my adult children many times..."Yes...I see you standing before me...and you have your own children beside you....but I can still see you as the 3 year old or maybe the 1st grader with two front teeth missing...or the teen-ager primping to go to a dance".....and so it is...we have lost that baby...that toddler....that 15 year old gangly teen....the young man in the first year of college..they are still wrapped up in our hearts...and never leave.

I bought every book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross....and what a layer of healing it brought to me...I don't know if it would help others as it did me....but I do recommend them. Thank you Angelfox for telling us about your sweet..and very brave son...your circle of hurt...and your prayers to have healing...and your insight about your daughter-in-law...to keep her close...and your grandchildren...I will say this...I would have done the same thing...I don't care what "words" I may have to swallow....I would never want to be away from my grandchildren...and there ..right there...is where "Grace" is working in your life...

You have given each of us a word or words....to help us carry on...Thank you and Bless you..

[Mom of Chip]

I have been reading the many, many posts written here...They have given me comfort....

I wanted to see what was going on here on the day that Chip became an angel..so I went to August 3 and to my amazement? surprise? or was it destined? I found a post by Dee. It was posted at 5:54 pm..and Dee, unless you are a very fast typist you were writing it at the time my son's heart beat for the last time. The official time the nurse put on her report was 5:52pm.

What was amazing to me was that you were posting about the Lollapalooza concert taking place near you. My son was a musician...a talented, gifted guitarist. He taught guitar for many, many year and played gigs in the clubs and bars in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. He attended many concerts and was really into music. He was big fan of Zepplin, Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn...and played their music to perfection...His Facebook page is full of memories of his friends commemorating his musical talent. There is even a post from a friend who captured on his cell phone the last time Chip was able to play and you can hear Chip's voice at the end...I listen to it a lot.

Dee...I don't know if somehow at the time you were typing that post that you felt a connection with someone you did not know...but your post gave me a comforting feeling that a lot of people in this world did connect as Chip began his tour to play gigs with a band of angels.

Love and comfort to you all,

Del

[Mermaid Tears]

I have been reading the many, many posts written here...They have given me comfort....

I wanted to see what was going on here on the day that Chip became an angel..so I went to August 3 and to my amazement? surprise? or was it destined? I found a post by Dee. It was posted at 5:54 pm..and Dee, unless you are a very fast typist you were writing it at the time my son's heart beat for the last time. The official time the nurse put on her report was 5:52pm.

What was amazing to me was that you were posting about the Lollapalooza concert taking place near you. My son was a musician...a talented, gifted guitarist. He taught guitar for many, many year and played gigs in the clubs and bars in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. He attended many concerts and was really into music. He was big fan of Zepplin, Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn...and played their music to perfection...His Facebook page is full of memories of his friends commemorating his musical talent. There is even a post from a friend who captured on his cell phone the last time Chip was able to play and you can hear Chip's voice at the end...I listen to it a lot.

Dee...I don't know if somehow at the time you were typing that post that you felt a connection with someone you did not know...but your post gave me a comforting feeling that a lot of people in this world did connect as Chip began his tour to play gigs with a band of angels.

Love and comfort to you all,

Del

Del...I sent you a post earlier...telling you that your son and my son, John David, both had the same Angel Dates...he was passionate about music and he had the same favorite artists....small world, isn't it...??

[Mom of Chip]

Del...I sent you a post earlier...telling you that your son and my son, John David, both had the same Angel Dates...he was passionate about music and he had the same favorite artists....small world, isn't it...??

Yes...Mermaid, I saw your post...Ironic how things sometimes come together and people can connect.

How old was your son on his angel date?

Chip was 46 years, 28 days and 44 minutes and I will always cherish every second he was in my life.

[ericasmom]

Del, I am so happy that I was thinking of Erica and her love of the Bonaroo concert perhaps receiving an angel like note from her about the music coming to she and the others in the form of Your Son.

I think that most of the Angels we are parents to are great music lovers. We parents too, listen and share a good deal of music.

Funny, I don't even know how you look up a post from the past, you'll have to tell me. Chip sounds like a very talented young man. I am so glad that you had him in your life and I am sure that he is smiling on you with great pride and love.

[Mermaid Tears]

Del, I am so happy that I was thinking of Erica and her love of the Bonaroo concert perhaps receiving an angel like note from her about the music coming to she and the others in the form of Your Son.

I think that most of the Angels we are parents to are great music lovers. We parents too, listen and share a good deal of music.

Funny, I don't even know how you look up a post from the past, you'll have to tell me. Chip sounds like a very talented young man. I am so glad that you had him in your life and I am sure that he is smiling on you with great pride and love.

is it not a "wonder thing" that our Angels had such a passion for music....amazing to me...the connection...that music is the language of every culture...and our Angels must have known that even when they were with us....to connect us ? to give us a message..?? to let us hear what they loved..?? to let us know...what they heard...they want us to hear ??

[ericasmom]

Angelfox, I am happy that you allowed your rage, your guilt, your anger and sadness to come forth cleansing your spirit from some of it. The only way through grief, is to actually let those things come through you, experience these beasts and release them as you can so that there is more room in your life for the joy of that Child, with the joy of others in your life that you love. this is no easy process and it is a repeats itself often, so that eventually your mind/soul/spirit/heart all know that the dips in the road are there for the learning.

I was lucky that early on, maybe a month but now, I do forget so it could have been three months after Erica died, I was walking in the forest near our home, and I stopped as I felt something on my head. It was an amazing feeling of something being pored into my head, I looked up, that's how visceral it was...it was Eri's peace. I did not see her, but I felt her. She was giving me a tiny glimpse of her peace, it spread through me and I knew that this was a gift from my Daughter to let me know that she was MORE THAN FINE. She was golden, she let me have this so that I would know that I needn't worry about her.

Susan, I remember reading Elizabeth K. Ross back in 1975 or 76 in a psychology class and thinking, wow, this woman makes so much sense. It was controversial then to think of the stages of grief, but she was and is right-on. Those stages have helped many to know that they are part of something universal, a process that has to happen if we are to live our best lives and stand where our Baby cannot. If we are to stand and make our Baby so very proud of moving forward in the small ways we learn to do. No easy task here, bravery is a word that comes to mind.

[Mom of Chip]

Quiet all around today and yesterday, just a few posting. Betsy I hope that your exploration of Florida brings you great and wonderful surprises.

Robert's Mom, I have not gone to even one medium and here you have gone to two. I think it is a good thing, maybe one day I will also do this.

Sherry, the weather was HOT HOT HOT today and I was downtown right across from Buckingham where LOLLAPALOOZA is taking place. It is packed with folks and so many bands. They started playing in the morning today and by tonight, the crowds are at the scary stage for me, too big. I have never gone to LOLLA_PALOOZA but I think that if ERz was here she would have gone and maybe still be going. My Son hates giant crowds such as that so he is thankful to not be there. There were many undercover police all over the city as well as many hundreds of uniforms on the street, on bikes, on horseback, on segways, on foot and in cars. I hope that it is a peaceful evening, peaceful concert all weekend long.

Dee, here's the post you made on that day..I just kept hitting previous at the top and kept going back..

It was a slow process, but I felt that reading what was posted that day was something I had to do.

And yes, I agree that music is what connects many of us....

A few days after Chip's funeral his sister felt she just HAD to go by the cemetery on her way home from work...She felt she needed to talk to him...she poured out her heart to him for about 30 minutes and just before she left, she asked him to give her a sign that he was listening. When she got into her truck to head home, the radio began to play a song that she had not heard since the last time she heard him play it at one of his gigs.... she knew then that he had heard her.

My other son has two of Chip's guitars...he plays them every day although he is not as accomplished as Chip was...He says he feels Chip's presence when he's playing...He lives in Austin, so does not get to be with the rest of the family as often as he would like, but during Christmas he brought both guitars with him and left one of them in Chip's room the whole time he was visiting..He said he felt the guitar needed to be there for a while...Just something he had to do. He is having a lot of difficulty with his brother's absence..He is a drummer and he and Chip used to play gigs together...been playing together since they were kids...

There are so many stories I could tell about Chip and his music and how his friend's are missing his presence at their get-togethers. Most of the posts on his Facebook page relate to his music and how hearing certain songs remind his family and friends of him.

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes...Mermaid, I saw your post...Ironic how things sometimes come together and people can connect.

How old was your son on his angel date?

Chip was 46 years, 28 days and 44 minutes and I will always cherish every second he was in my life.

My John David was 42 years old....

[daveydow1]

Momofchip------I am so sorry for your loss of your son, Chip. As you can

see, by reading posts here, we are at many varying stages on this grief

road. Dee and I are going into our 10th year. I have found this site to be

a lifeline. Often, others....(friends...even relatives) cannot understand

the depth of the devastation of losing a child, but here at BI everyone

knows firsthand. Please come back to BI and tell us more about your

dear son when you feel you want to. Peace be with you.

Brenda----I, too, struggled with this very thought....about how our child

could be happy, and whether they missed us. I read, once, in some

literature about the subject, and it mentioned a point that I had never

even thought of. It said that where our children are...in that other place...

that there is no TIME. It is very hard to comprehend this in a way, because

here in this earthly existence, every part and facet of our lives is based

on time.....we have all sorts of devices that help us keep track of time.

But, if one believes in a life hereafter, then the day that we, as parents,

go to join our beloved children....to them, it will have been just a blink

of the eye. I found this writing to be comforting, and I always pray that

it is true.

Angelfox----I'm sorry for you loss of your son, and sorry, too, that he

had such suffering. I think that you are a wise and patient person to

see your way through the rough spots with your daughter-in-law. As

you said.....each person's loss can be different. I'm glad that you have

a good relationship with her, and the grandchildren. I know that some

would say that you might miss a small child, who has passed, more than

an adult child. I know, firsthand, that this is not true. I have lost a baby

girl (Lisa) at age 6 mo. of age, years ago.......and then my son (David) at

age 31 in 2003. I miss them both very much. Each loss is different, but

a loss just the same. It's difficult to measure the depth of feelings in each

different loss for people. Each must walk the road as an individual, and

do what they feel is best for their own healing. Thoughts & prayers.

Dee-----Well,....I have the computer working again....after some 'hair-pulling'

work. So, I hope it holds out for awhile.....it is getting older, so I should

not be too surprised with problems, I guess. Have the 3rd graders settled

back into the groove of the schoolyear now? It's 61 degrees here today.

Our visiting oppossum came yesterday to eat birdseed. I believe it lives

in a drainpipe down the road a ways.....we've seen it there. It looks kind

of fat....maybe it's expecting a brood.

Peace to all INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Here's my new kitty, MISTY. The way she is sitting makes her look bigger.

She's actually quite thin.

[ericasmom]

Hooray Sherry, you're back! I am so happy to see you and to see Misty.

Yep, it was in the 50's here yesterday and started out there today but it is quickly dropping now. It will be back to what January temps are supposed to be by tonight and remain for the next week, I hope remains for the next months. We need the cold, we need an ice cover on our waters to keep the evaporation process down...we need to correct our wrongs on nature is what we need. Love the oppossum living in a drainpipe. Misty is lovely, a sweet looking Girl for sure.

Poor Trudi adn our other Aussie posters as the Meteorologists had to add two more colors on the climate maps there to make room for the unbearable heat that is hitting them. Somewhere in Australia each day for the last month or so, it has been 120 degrees. CRAZY! I hope that Trud is okay. There are wildfires and just plain unnatural heat. Prayers.

[ericasmom]

Chip's Mom, yes, I was mixing up my concerts in my head. Lollapalooza is a HUGE event in Chicago each summer. Bonaroo is also a summer event in Tennessee that my Daughter attended just a few weeks before being killed. She had the very best time going to that three day outdoor love fest. Her favorite performance was Neil Young to my delight. She never thought much of his music at home growing up, I played him all the time, LOVE him, but when she saw him jam for 3.5 hours she was amazed at his strength and his message. I loved that she was so appreciative of him. So glad that she was able to go to the concert. It made her so happy.

[Sholl1955]

Thank you to all who have replied to my post. It helps so much to be able to share with those who understand and have felt the same way. You have all helped me alot. I remember each of you every day in my thoughts and prayers. Have a quiet night.

Sandy

[westleysmom]

It has been 3 years tonight since the last time I talked to Westley. I can't let him go. I can't say goodbye to my baby. How have I lived all those days without him? How will I make it through the rest of them? How can I forgive myself? I don't know how. Almost all that has happened in that time was just distraction.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Westley, Westley, WESTLEY!!!

Find a way to touch your mom, and let her know you're watching over her, and how much you love her! Send her a sign....

[shellyku]

WESTLEY - I pray you were able to whisper to your Mom

how much you love her and how peaceful and happy you

are now. Share that peace and love with her.

Karen - my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. May Westley's peace and love permeate

your being. Prayers to you.

I had a gal at my post office come up to me and tell me of a young woman on her mail route that

died...that she was a beautiful, kind young person and why do young people have to die? I mumbled

that I didn't know and walked away. She later came back to me and said "Shelly, what's wrong

with you, you just walked away from me?" I said "Steph, I don't understand why you thought it

necessary to tell ME about a young woman that died." Her eyes got real big and she said, "Oh my

God Shelly I'm so sorry, I forgot...but wasn't that 2 years ago?" I went on to say that yes, it

has been 2 years, but that just because she forgot, doesn't mean I have!

I pray for all Indigos and their loved ones. Have a peaceful Sunday! Shelly

[Guest]

...

[ericasmom]

Westley Sweet Westley-

Please give your Mom a sign and a reason to go forth, so that the days are simply no longer without a reason. Give her that knowing, that sureness, that you are in the very best place and that she has your love each day.

Rhonda, three years is a very long time and yes, what lies ahead can sometimes seem too much. Know this however, letting him go is not forgetting him, it is not loving him less, it is allowing your heart to be sure of his place, it is knowing that he is surrounded by love, it is forgiving yourself that he died which is a hope in his heart.

[hotrod]

(((Dear Rhonda)))

Praying that sweet Westley touches your heart and soul in his special way today.

In my prayers.

You are not alone.