Loss of an Adult Child

[tobyfreefoot]

Dee and Sherry-Your dreams sound like a visit from your angels. I am so glad for you both that they comforted you and didn't upset you. I have dreamt of Westley lately, but what actually happens escapes me. In one he was a little guy and in one he was grown. I miss him so much. I felt like I needed to get away from my grief and there is no escape. January is so hard for me and my reward for making it through December is always January. Today is my friend Susan's son Andrew's angel date. I kept thinking last night that it was the last night three years ago that the boys were both alive and we (she and I) were reasonably happy. I texted her last night and she gave me her traditional happy d*mn new year greeting. She seemed to be doing okay, as okay goes for such as we. Thanks for your kind words, I have missed everyone here and was so sorry to see new parents have lost their sweet angels. I suppose it has always been this way since Adam and Eve lost one of their children, but its still wrong.

rhonda that is the only kind of dream i have also. i just remember he was in them no specifics but glad he was there somehow. i am sorry hard dec leads to hard jan for you. jan 30 is forest's birthday but that is not as hard as wesley's angel date. i have a good friend who lost a child 5 years before me. we sort of just have that happy d*mn new year attitude too. that you both lost your boys so close must have been so shocking and make this season doubly hard for you. wishing you something comforting to wrap you up on the 13 and feel your son near.

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends....again it has been a while since I have visited. It has been a LONG holiday....Tavian and I sick with the flu, he was over it before Christmas and I had it for Christmas...It was horrible, never felt so sick.... Cannot believe it is 2013 already but so happy the Holidays are behind me once again....Now I face the month of February, my worst month, the one where I want to go to sleep and wake me up when it is over.....the hard part is Tavian's birthday is Feb 11th and Jessica's Angelversary is Feb 18th and my brothers is Feb 28th......

Tavian had a good Christmas, no matter how painful it is for me I always have to be strong for him and I know it is what my Jessica wants from me....keep her boy happy who in turn makes me happy

We had just a bit of snow for Christmas, was hoping for more but at least we had a bit of white....

I hope that all here are doing as good as they can....we all know the pain that lingers, not always on the surface but always there.

Today was a big day for Tavian, he did the Polar Bear Plunge in the Ocean at 1 pm today....it was freezing but he was determined to do it,,,,,I was so proud of him,,,,,so like his mommy....no fear...

I pray for peace, love and energy for all here. I keep you in my heart and prayers and I am never far away. Hugs, Kathy

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Kathy, so good to see Tavian running back to shore on such a cold plunge, good for him, making decisions and going for it! Great way to start the year anew. Peace to you and glad that you are better.

Gretchen, KD Lang is an awesome voice and energy. I swear she is the daughter of John Lennon. She looks just like him! Anyhow, thank you for posting that wonderful rendition of Crying.

Rhonda, I am holding you close as the days that bring such ache approach. Prayers too, for your Girlfriend on her Son's Angel dates.

Lora, what a beautiful way to look at our purpose, torchbearers. We do still have work to do, we are here and therefore have work, purpose. May we all find our purpose/purposes in this world.

[daveydow1]

Gretchen---Thank you for your kind words. Your dreams of dear Forest are

like some of the ones I have had of Davey. Sometimes he's a little boy,

but usually he will appear as an adult.....never says anything....we have no

dialog between us, but as you say....these dreams are comforting, and

are treasures to us. Thanks for the K.D, Lang song "Crying".

Rhonda--Westleysmom----Thinking of you and your friend, Susan, as your

sweet sons' angel days approach. Glad that you have had some dreams

of Westley.....dear child of your heart....now an angel.

Dee----I agree---we are always lucky and glad when we have dreams of

our kids. Your dream of ERi in the bookstore, and of her working with

children must bring you joy and comfort. Dreams are little 'visits' from

just beyond the thin veil that separates us from our beloved children.

Kathy---Good to see your post. I'm sorry that you & Tavian were down

with the flu, but glad to hear that you are better now. Flu can be so

terrible.....Take care, friend.

Lora----Thanks for that inspirational writing....yes,...we must keep walking toward the light.

Sherry

[mikesmum]

Hey Indigos ~ Its been awhile, thought I'd drop by and say hi.

Christmas hasn't been the same since losing Mike.....These holidays seemed to top anything in the past. My husband was re-admitted for PTSD (he's an ambulance officer & Vietnam Vet). My youngest son has been dealing with an addiction that returned after 8yrs clean. He and his partner have seperated. He had been having headaches, was lethargic & I put it down to drugs. They did an MRI and what they originally thought was a thickening of the Pitutary Gland was in fact an adenoma with nodule involvement.

On a brighter note my eldest step son and partner became parents on Christmas Day. Max Michael McLeod was born 10:45pm. Thick dark hair and the cutest little face.

It would seem that having 'lived' through losing Micheal the news of the past days rolls off like water off a ducks back.

I'm coming up to 6yrs since that day back in 2007 that altered me forever. There are still days where its like I'm in a room full of people yet no one can see or hear me.

I received this today from a dear friend. I thought I'd share it as we all have angels watching over us....

Peace ~ Trudi

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I too thought I would come by my Indigo Family and check in. Stephen has been gone for 6 Holiday Seasons and the emptiness of the season and the sadness in my eyes has not lessened.

Rhonda It touched my heart to see Westley's handsome face when I logged in today I know this month is a difficult one and am praying for you peace.

Dear Trudi the necklace pendant of Michael is beautiful What a thoughtful friend!.!!!! I am so sorry that life continues to be a challenge I will pray for a positive outcome to this all

Sherry How is your new Kitty I am still feeding squirrels and taking trips to NJ to walk he beach

Dee I hope your New Year is filled with all the good that you share. Love reading about your walks, the cardinals and possums that you and Sherry encounter and your dinners with your sister.

I had an 80th Birthday for my sister in December It was a huge success We even set up a small table filled with pictures of Stephen so that he was witness to the event. I still miss him so This Indigo Family is the only place where I can acknowledge this and feel safe.

Carol In my thoughts

To all the Indigos I have not mentioned yo are each in my heart and have touched my spirit

Thank you all for sharing your hearts. and I pray that each one of my Indigo family has a Blessed New Year

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Duplicate posting

[JD's Mom, Becky]

How I wish I would dream...

Miserable night last night, cried myself to sleep. Still so many unanswered questions, and the justice system is so screwed up, won't provide information to help parents be able to have some type of closure.. It's just wrong.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't do another minute, much less another day.

Thank you all for sharing your songs, and pictures. I listen and look at all.

[ericasmom]

Betty and Trud, two lovely friends. I sure know that today's sunlight shining in has been made even brighter by the likes of you today. I miss you. Betty, so glad that you are still enjoying the squirrels. I really wish you could see the activity in our yard since our compost hosts a virtual feast each week. Husband dumps the produce that could not be given( too soft, not good enough) to those at the food pantry. we have some hefty squirrels for sure. Happy Birthday to Sister. I know how dear you made the day for her, and made more special by your Stephen's presence at the table.

Trud, my heart begs for a sweeter time for you, it has been such a long struggle. I do feel that there is something good coming your way, a softer way of living and for that I shall continue to pray. Prayers each day for your Son to find his way back...for his healing.

I am going for a walk in a bit, it is cold and sunny, a nice combination. Chimney smoke and blue skies. I need that sun on me for a while.

[ericasmom]

Becky, we posted at the same time...I dealt with the system too, for 4 years and never did our case warrant the government to say that AMTRAK was at fault as much as the city itself was. We fought until the city agreed to change the whole configuration of the tracks through the town, preventing the same kind of crash that took Erz. THe townspeople had been upset over the configuration for 12 years, so we had that in our favor.Once Eri died due to the stupid configuration and broken light, the town rallied around our case. I know that that is what you are fighting for, to change it for the next child. Prayers.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...and Dee.....I don't have much time now...but....I have a heart full of gratitude to parent's that will fight on to right a wrong....and will let your pain be the beacon which sheds the light on what needs to be fixed....bless you....Becky...am so glad you have Dee to help you....in your quest to "get-r-done"......we are with you.....blessings to all....

[daveydow1]

Trudi---Good to see your post, but am sorry for all the setbacks in

your family at this time. Sending prayers for your son and husband.

Nice to hear you have a new little grandchild....congratulations ! as

you welcome the sweet little bundle.

Betty----My new kitty 'Misty' is doing ok. She is gray, and is full of pep.

Vets were only able to give us an estimate of her age since there was

a mixup of records at the cat shelter. She was noted as to have come

from Georgia , by way of volunteer transporters to save her from being

put to sleep because she'd been there too long, and no one wanted to

adopt her. So, now she's here with us. She's small.....only 6 lb. It's

nice that you are still feeding the squirrels. I'm sure they appreciate it

especially in the winter. I, so, know what you mean about having that

veil of sadness....missing Stephen....over the holidays. I think that

after one loses a child, that the holidays no longer hold the same joy

and excitement as they once did. Peace to you, friend.

Dee----I had to laugh when you said that due to the composting in

your backyard that you have some 'hefty' squirrels. They must love

coming there and eating their fill. We don't have very many squirrels

here, due to hawks raiding. I do see one every now & then though.

Becky----I'm sorry that you are having to battle with the system to make

sensible and needed changes, and to get justice for Jared. We, too,

ran into brick walls, as you have, and it is so disheartening and tiring.

May your valiant efforts to bring about changes find success. Thoughts & prayers.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tobyfreefoot]

becky-i remember reading some legislators came to see you? hoping their interest will come to something worthwhile for you.

trudi-wow nice to see you. hoping all will come out ok for your son and your husband. i'm sorry the rest of life is giving you such a struggle on top of the loss of michael. glad you have a new grandbaby! can you post a pic sometime? here is my granddaughter at christmas. she is 13 months old and also carries my son's name for a middle name except his middle name

tah dah--

madelyn dayne ware

[mikesmum]

Its our summer here so in some small way dealing with what comes my way is made easier (?) with sunshine.

Yes a new life does lighten the heart. Having Michael in the name makes me smile...It is my step sons middle name, but I still smile.

The road with Steven is familiar. I was younger then though.....

My daughter and her family took Steven camping these past days. The trade was I got to 'dogsit'. The respite was a blessing...the puppy so full of energy also..

Kayddo & Muttley

Max Michael McLeod

[tobyfreefoot]

wow trudi! PRECIOUS PRECIOUS PRECIOUS!

[ericasmom]

Congrats Trudi, I am glad for the birth of this baby in your world. Some joy to wash some of the worry out of the day.

MT, Becky has fought so hard for this, she has along with her family, contacted every person that needs to be involved, we did our fighting through a lawyer as it went to the courts immediately...but it stalled and does what so many cases do. Becky has worked tirelessly to make change, with letters and with campaigns along the roadway, I cheer her on and pray that they listen. That they act.

Sherry, really, hardly any squirrels. We have ten squirrels for every person around here. I have never seen a hawk eat one and we have hawks around here...

[shorty16]

Hello my friends.

First day back at work since before Christmas...

I think of each of you everyday.

It is very cold here.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[designer2]

Hi Betty, Stephen's mom. I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your posts. I am very busy and have very little time to post most times, but there are times when I am so sad that I am drawn here to empty my heart of it's burden, and you are always kind enough to leave me a reply. I guess we have the bond of losing our only children as reason for that. I pray that you are well and that you have a hopeful new year. I wish everyone here peace.

Thanks, Cindy

Dylan's mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you to all of you for your support! It means so much to me. Particularly those that have walked this path before me, and continue to give me your insight. Sherry, Colleen, Dee, and many more that know the pain of battling through the legal system after losing a child to a preventable death.

Dee, I remember you writing in about your legal battles in Eri's case, and it strengthened me then, as it still does now. We did meet with the representatives, and they have agreed to try to help, and I have given them all the research I have spent the last year doing, and the letters and contacts I made along the way, and record of all our efforts. I only pray it is enough to make the changes in law that were lacking when Jared was killed. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone.

The personal toll has caught up with me. I don't know what else to do, and am frustrated at the amount of time that we are "strung along" waiting. Tomorrow will be 15 months, and I feel I am more of an emotional wreck than at the beginning. I want to scream, but someone would come and lock me up, because I am afraid that if I ever give in to those emotions that I will never stop. I lay in bed and I think of that night at the hospital, and I think of how pre-conditioned we are to proper behavior. I didn't scream then. I knew the setting I was in, I had to be quiet, there were sick people about, had to be strong for my family, and so I held it in. I cried, I prayed, and walked zombiefied through the maze of that night, and the days and nights thereafter, through the funeral arrangements, which I wanted so much to be perfect for my beautiful son, through trying to find a rhythm to get through the days and nights, through poetry, through song, through art, and through every effort since to find the path to justice, and to find a way to honor my boy.

I know, Louise, that God took my child home. I do trust in that, and thank God for that. The only peace I have is knowing that he is safe and happy in heaven. But, I am still here, without him, and the momentum that carried me though the first year is slowing, and my wound feels raw and far from healed.

[mysonrich]

hello Indigo's, stopping in to say hello. To our newbies, I am sorry for the reason that you searched out such as site as this . That's what we do after our child dies. Search for meaning and an answer to why? You have found a circle of people that embrace you,each other in the compassion of understanding in words spoken, that we are not alone.

I did put up a small tree for Christmas but only after Sarah had her tickets in hand. Otherwise I would have curled up under a blanket and watched. listened to TV all day. My version of hiding. I was lucky to get some time off from work Christmas Eve and drove to Washington, DC to meet Sarah at the train station. It was a 4 hour drive and we returned that night. We pulled over into a rest stop for a nap and a chance to stretch our legs. There were lot of people on the road for such an early hour. Some working. Some making it home for Christmas.We pulled in at 5am .

The last time I saw Richie alive was 4 years ago Christmas. I try not to dwell on that thought and the questions I have, will always have; could he have been saved. Like Brenda, I might scream with the maddening questions swirling around in my head so I have to STOP. and I say in loudly to myself.

I can talk about my mother, gone in 2010. I can talk about my sister,gone in 2003. I tell funny stories to Sarah about them. This year was especially hard but I didn't allow myself to recognise that fact. I hold tight to Rich. He isn't a person I can easily talk about. Not that I don't but not with the ease I speak of others. I just keep walking. Maybe its due to the fact that I don't see others that knew him. I can't share a memory if there is not a personal connection. They had to know him.

I have realized, again, that I have to get out more. I live near a river walk and see people walking,jogging, at all times of the day and night. so Dee, I have ordered a new all weather jacket, a simple thrown on and go and will keep that promise to myself. To get moving again. This past summer did me in and I really needed a few months to get up to speed. which required rest.ironic.

Sherry and Carol, welcome Misty and Lucy. They do make a difference in our lives.

Sherry, my last dream of Rich that I remember. we were also in a large area. A mall maybe. and I woke to the words in my dream with me saying, "Rich is lost". and the echo, of which I have heard before, " Betsy, Rich is not lost" Sherry, I realize your dream of little Lisa is precious and a welcome visit from the baby in the pink dress.

Trudi, he is beautiful. and someday, I may make it to the Rock. To explain, I was going through my belongings, again. I carry around a lot of school work that Sarah and Rich created, earned, certificates won and found one that Rich made in grade school. If it wasn't for the content it could have been HS, his penmanship was never great. Though I do cherish a note pad of numbers he kept right before he died.

In his project, he did a little piece on Australia and wrote of the Rock, population,land area etc. In the right hand corner is a small flag glued on. I thought of Mike and Trudi when I came upon this and shared it with Trudi.

Gretchen, your granddaughter is a sweetie. I love the little dress.

Time to get going. Betty, Sherry,Rhonda, Leah, Karen, Kathy,people that are here but we don't see. We are not alone.

And to add to Betty's post, I also visit Nicks "never lose faith" web-site and light candles. thanks Dan.

--

[Shelli's Mum Cheryle]

I don't know what to do, it all hurts so much. Everything hurts. 5 months ago she died.. And it feels like yesterday. How can I live without her in my life. I look forward to the peace when I join her, but I know it will hurt my poor family to lose another loved one... My mum died 2 weeks ago and I don't feel anything.. I don't have anything left to feel with

[Mermaid Tears]

to Cheryle....am so sorry for your loss...you are in a good place here...I am new, also....but the comfort and care given with words and blessings will make you feel welcomed...and a place where you will be understood....without a lot of explanation....keep coming....read the posts...for there will be a word or words that will help connect you to a layer of healing....no...your heart will never really heal....but there will be hands to reach out to you to help you on this foreign path we find ourselves on....it is a strange path...and dark...and we are all trying to find a "new normal" in which we can live...and carry on...it is like becoming blind and trying to find your way "home"....so many wonderful people are in this forum....we welcome you

[Shelli's Mum Cheryle]

thank you Mermaid tears.. A "new normal" , thats an idea... yes I hope this forum can help. No one else can understand.... I'm battling with all the "firsts".... first time someone asked me how many children i have... first time I had to write "dec" after Shell's name on an official document. the new year.... felt like I was leaving her in the last year... I want her to be in 2013 with me..

[Shelli's Mum Cheryle]

thank you Mermaid tears.. A "new normal" , thats an idea... yes I hope this forum can help. No one else can understand.... I'm battling with all the "firsts".... first time someone asked me how many children i have... first time I had to write "dec" after Shell's name on an official document. the new year.... felt like I was leaving her in the last year... I want her to be in 2013 with me..

[ericasmom]

Cheryle, my heart to you as you reach out in this very sad and heart breaking time. NO better words can be spoken than those of another Newbie- Susan, your words show the hope that those brand new to this place need-just so wonderful to see you so early on, reaching your arm out to lift Cheryle into this safe place. It is in that kind of turn-around-reaching out that we find some of our biggest healing. We find one of our new purposes on Earth is to help those who find themselves in this very difficult space in our lives, that living in two worlds is very very sad and energy zapping, but it is where we are when we lose a Child. Cheryle, you are finding the absolute ache of this lonely position in the world, please come here often to glean some tiny bits of hope from us each, we are here. Your Mom's death may be felt more at a later date, but for now, the overwhelming loss of your Girl is front and center in your life, in your broken heart. I wish you a tiny piece of knowing that your sweet Daughter is smiling on you, no, that does not help you know what to do with your life right now, but eventually, that will go a long way to helping you feel the sunlight on your face again. All of this grieving stuff takes time, give yourself time, even though time is anew entity in itself.

Betsy, got to go to an appointment, but suffice it to say right now that I am so glad to know you are here, and super happy that you spent Christmas time with Sarah. Walks are good, but so is rest, so do what is most needed dear.

[Guest]

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[tobyfreefoot]

cheryle- i just posted this a day or two ago but i am reposting just so you know i felt the same way --last year i hated ringing in a new year because my son wasn't going to be in 2012......., this time i feel sad i am starting another year without him but also glad to get away from that 2012 number the first he never saw. now it is just this endless track and what year it is doesn't seem to matter anymore. i know this may sound worse but i swear i was so glad to see that year of firsts disappear. my son was killed in july 2011. i found this site n a similar time frame-feb. 2012. i was desperately seeking someone who would let me talk and actually had been in my shoes. the people here encouraged me to talk about my son instead of wanting me to forget him. they help me celebrate his life and the tiniest step forward i make and understand when i take one step forward and two back, they think that is just fine and don't expect anything from me. i am so sorry you lost your sweet girl but i can tell you this site is a lifesaver and and am glad you have found it.

[daveydow1]

Dee----I'm not sure why the squirrel population is low here. When we lived

at another house, there was a mother squirrel who nested in a hole in

large basswood tree which was very near to the enclosed front porch. When

the little squirrels got old enough that they were curious to investigate outside

their nest in the hollow part, (we counted 6 babies one day), they were playing

on the different limbs of the tree, and down swooped a hawk and took one &

flew off. We were shocked to see that happen. Then it happened again a couple times.

The hawk was raiding when he had the opportunity. Then we saw the mom squirrel moving the remaining

few babies....one by one....across the yards to a tree in the neighbor's yard. There may

be coyotes after the squirrels around here, or could be that they just don't choose

to nest in any of the trees we have in the yard....most of them do not have

any cavities where squirrels could nest. We do see a squirrel now & then.....

especially when the chestnuts fall down in the autumn.

Cheryle----So sorry for your loss of your dear daughter. Please come back to

BI and post/read when you feel you can. Everyone here understands the pain

and sorrow you are having. Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, funny about the hollows, around here, squirrels build huge nests, I think that they are called Tells. In the winter landscape, one can see so many in any given neighborhood in Chicago-land. Did i already say that Squirrels love avacados? I never knew that until last week or so when we had to dump some that were not up to par for the pantry...they went crazy. One hung upside down trying to eat it in solitude, so as to not have to share it.

[Sholl1955]

Hello to all of you. Cheryle, I am sorry you had to find us, but you will find the support and comfort in this wonderful group of people. They encourage, listen and truly do get it. They have all been where you are right now and care. Come back often even if you don't feel like posting. I totally understand your feeling of leaving her in 2012. I too struggled with the New Year for the same reason. My family didn't understand it but that is ok. I chose to not participate in party's or get togethers and deal with it my own way. I don't think I dealt really well, but I did it my way. (hmmmm isn't there a song like that:-)

I started my new job yesterday. I like it and do feel that is the right job for me. It is so totally different from the one I left and I think that something different will be good for me.

The girls were both having a hard time when I picked them up tonight, missing mama. We spent time hugging and loving. It doesn't help the pain go away but does help us get from day to day. Once school starts back up they will have things that will occupy thier little minds . Tough holidays but looking forward to brighter days in time.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandy

[Sholl1955]

Hello to all of you. Cheryle, I am sorry you had to find us, but you will find the support and comfort in this wonderful group of people. They encourage, listen and truly do get it. They have all been where you are right now and care. Come back often even if you don't feel like posting. I totally understand your feeling of leaving her in 2012. I too struggled with the New Year for the same reason. My family didn't understand it but that is ok. I chose to not participate in party's or get togethers and deal with it my own way. I don't think I dealt really well, but I did it my way. (hmmmm isn't there a song like that:-)

I started my new job yesterday. I like it and do feel that is the right job for me. It is so totally different from the one I left and I think that something different will be good for me.

The girls were both having a hard time when I picked them up tonight, missing mama. We spent time hugging and loving. It doesn't help the pain go away but does help us get from day to day. Once school starts back up they will have things that will occupy thier little minds . Tough holidays but looking forward to brighter days in time.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandy

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Sandy, glad that the new job feels like the right fit. I hope that it only gets better and better. Three cheers for starting something new. I think too that the girls will be occupied by school soon and have less time to feel sad, not that they won't feel sad, but their days will be filled differently and they will also be expending more energy during the day.

Lora, maybe being near family, (mom and dad) brings too much to the surface, too much that makes you hurt???Just wondering. Were you ever close to Mom and Dad? If not, it could be too hard to make small talk, and if so, it could be that the closeness is almost too much for your emotional system, like an overload of sorts. I am playing arm-chair-therapist here, but those were the two scenarios that came to me.

[Guest]

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[Shelli's Mum Cheryle]

So glad I found you all... Wish we weren't in this position... Thank you, I'll certainly read...and read.. I thought no one " got" the new year stuff. Everyone has just said leave 2012 behind.. But you folks understand. Thank you again.. Cheryle

[ericasmom]

Cheryle, I wish you were not in this situation too, but I am so glad that you have found a place to breathe here with us.

Lora, I hope I did not make you uncomfortable with the nod to why you have been feeling a bit distant from your Folks. It is tricky, this terrain in loss, who knows how we are going to react to behaviors in others as we go along. When I lost Erz, I did not have parents to deal with, father was still alive, just died last May in fact, but I was not involved with him as soon as Eri was born. He was an abuser.

I hope the sun is shining where everyone is, it is here today, I got up early and walked in the cold temps with my DIL. Double pants, shirts, gloves...it felt invigorating. I figure this is my last day of school break for winter, might as well get up early and enjoy it from sun-up to sun-down and beyond.

[Guest]

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[Dru]

Hi Shelli's mum, I just want to say how sad I am for the loss of your daughter and of your mum. The pain of losing our children is the hardest, most painful thing that will ever happen to us, our children are part of us, and while they cut the umbilical cord when our babies are born, the connection we have with our child is never cut, it is invisible to the eye, but it is there holding us together spiritually thru our lives but when our child passes on, we are left with only one end of that invisible cord that has been ripped apart and which is left like an electrical live wire that has snapped apart and left dangling with sharp deep pain, raw and all nerve endings exposed. I am hoping that in time I will be able to feel a new cord start to grow from my hurting, aching heart outward towards my Broni in the spirit world where she is now.

That is why so many out there who have not lost a child do not understand what that disconnection is about, that separation that hits us all head on, and they cannot "see or feel" what we are going thru. It is not their fault and I am glad that they dont know, because i would never want others to have to live like me now.

However, by reading here on this site I feel safe and know that you all do understand, we are all sadly travelling the same road.

My daughter Broni died on 12th November 2010 and it feels like 100 years ago because I miss her so so much and it feels like that long since I held her in my arms, but on the other hand it feels like yesterday because the pain is still so deep and hurting, I cry most of the day every day, I just go from hour to hour still, with thoughts of her continually coming up. We were very close and did most things together, she was my best friend as well as my daughter. She was 31 years old.

It is 112 weeks today since I held my Broni in my arms as her life support was turned off and she stopped breathing forever. As a mother, I could do nothing to help her, the drs couldn't either, but mothers are meant to fix all our kids aches and pains, moms fix things for them, kiss them and make them better, but I felt like I had my hands tied behind my back and unable to help my daughter. I still feel that pain of wanting to do something to let her live, feeling such helplessness and hopelessness.

Shelli's mum, I just wanted to say that I'm from Perth WA and that I am sending you and everyone else here my thoughts and care.

broni's mom.

[TerryLip]

I have been feeling desperate lately. I really felt the need to talk. I hate starting a new year without James. I cannot "do" Christmas anymore and seeing pictures on Facebook of families sharing a wonderful, traditional Christmas gathering have left me shattered. I feel paralyzed. I'm trying to go through the motions, trying to be "normal" but every day is a struggle. I wrote this last year and it is all still true:

A parent should never outlive a child. (It took me three tries to write that in an acceptable way – I still cannot say the “d” word in connection with James – it's too final.) I've known that it happens and always thought I could never survive if it should happen to me. Yet here I am, somehow I go on breathing and my heart goes on beating and unless I deliberately choose to stay in bed all day and just give up I go on living though the pain is constant now. I don't know what our expectations were. I can only tell you that the second year has been worse in many ways than the first year. You go on thinking he has to come back. You don't want anything to change too much because you expect him to show up at anytime. Some days you don't feel so bad, then the grief sneaks up on you slowly and crushes you gradually. Or you might be actually enjoying something with your daughter or grandchildren and you slam into a brick wall of grief so suddenly you completely break apart. It's so chaotic. What seems to work one moment to keep you on an even keel completely fails to give you any peace the next day.

James was a really good guy. He enjoyed his life. He was content but he had dreams and ambitions for the future as well. He was blessed with a love of music and a gift for playing video games. I'll never forget the times he would call me into his room to show me the pictures and action of some new game. His enjoyment of playing (and listening to a lot of the music) was written all over his face. I remember seeing “Myst” and “Assassin's Creed” over his shoulder and being blown away by the images I was seeing. And then the absolute joy of playing a 'guitar' when Guitar Hero came out. Wow! He actually had to let me play that one – though it was much better when we could eventually play co-op. I remember listening to “Crossroads” being played over and over again as he would fail with just a minute to go, then with just seconds to go and finally he made it – on expert of course. I could barely make it through on medium. I miss sharing things with him. I miss that he let me share things. If he went to a movie with his friends he didn't mind going again with me.

I miss how his eyes would light up if I suggested we get butter chicken roti for lunch. I miss seeing him walking towards me through a crowd at Union Station. I've followed guys who looked like him from behind. It's crazy but I have to be sure it isn't him. I watched Fringe up to the last episode I know he saw and then I can't watch it anymore.

Although we lose a child our need to parent that child just doesn't disappear. So we do things like plant a tree, or dedicate a bench in the garden. We light candles and keep fresh flowers in our rooms. If we're lucky we're able to dedicate some lasting memorial. But it is all bittersweet because it hammers home that it is just a 'memorial'. We would trade it all in a heartbeat – because James would have so much more to contribute if he were here. One living, breathing person is worth much more.

Someone suggested writing (as a means of therapy) at the last support group meeting I went to. And one book I read told about the on-line support groups she joined.

I have met parents who have lost children to drugs, alcohol, suicide. They know none of their children's friends and have few if any possessions of theirs. That must be very, very painful. I know it is very painful for them. James was blessed with friends who have comforted me in many ways and I'm particularly thankful for all the on-line friends. It is somehow easier on the internet too.

I don't know how everyone copes with the grief, everyone is different and must, on some level, go through the journey alone. There is nothing anyone can say that really helps. Just being there is enough.

Thanks for being there.

Now, three years on and it still hurts too much. I cannot accept that James is gone. I know it's true, but "accepting" seems to imply some kind of feeling of peace with that. I'll never be at "peace" with it.

I started playing video games after we lost James. It has helped me cope. You can lose yourself in a video game much more easily than in a book. It is much more absorbing. And it gave me a chance to "talk" to James, to share something of his life. Of course I'm pretty pathetic compared to him but I have learned a lot and I've gone on to play games that James would have loved to play. That really hurts sometimes. The most bittersweet time was playing his favourite game - it took me 2 years to work up the courage to even try and I didn't think I could do it, but once I got started it was like a beautiful gift I received and I can now share with James. I just hope they never make a sequel to that game. I need time to stand still sometimes.

I don't know what I expected. If I thought about it at all I guess I thought it would be "easier" by now. It isn't. It's different. But sometimes I even wish I was still in the first year, still in shock, still numb. Now, it's a deep, dark depression, an absolute realization that this nightmare will never end, can never end. You think at first you are plunged until a living hell. Well, now I know you never get out. Somehow you have to learn to live with the pain. It doesn't go away. I can distract myself with video games, sometimes with a book. I'm trying to learn to play the piano. That has been something I cling to to try to keep me going. But there are too many 'triggers' - too many places I still cannot go, too much music I cannot listen to, restaurants I never want to go in again, food I cannot have in the house, celebrations I can never 'celebrate' again.

I keep a diary - writing to James, pouring out my heart, but also keeping him up-to-date with what is happening in our lives. When I'm feeling the worst, I pick up his computer (mine now) and I write to him. It helps. But sometimes what I need to express is more to do with how I'm grieving, how my life is now and that is why I was looking for online support. In many ways I am so sad to find so many people who are suffering this way, but it also gives me comfort to read all your posts and know that I am not alone, that I am not out of my mind, that this is the "new normal".

I have to agree with Jared's mom (Becky) - there is a certain momentum that carries us through the first year, but it slows, it disappears and what's worse other people move on and expect us to be 'getting better'. They can never understand that the wound doesn't heal.

James' Mom, Terry

[Mermaid Tears]

I have to go and work on a make-ready at my apartments...but just wanted to express my gratitude AGAIN....for each of you that post something...it is something that I have in my heart and so raw...hard for me to touch it....but feeling as if I have found a "home" where there is unconditional UNDERSTANDING....am beginning to dislike my friends that say..."Aw Susan..how are you doing".....and of course..being the mindful..socially trained child...and should never hurt anyone's feelings....I say..."I am fine".....for I know they really don't want to know how I am...they can't even say his name...I crawl through the day...and claw my way to learn how to get through this....without interrupting the normal world going by...I have to go...blessings to all...keep coming here and posting...together we can hold hands while we search this "new normal" life...each of you say exactly what is in my heart...

[ericasmom]

James' Mom and Bronis' Mom, my heart to you both as you find your way into this safe place where you can speak your Child's name over and over, tell their story, tell it again, ask questions, speak of your anguish and fears, and slowly, very slowly, begin to find the light in the day again.

No, that does not mean leaving your Child behind, but learning to take your Child with you into the next stage of this grief. Know that your Child would hope that you could go forward and find some measure of good again, adn that is my hope for everyone here, to hang on and locate a tiny smidgen of hope again, and eventually grow into a life that has goodness and light and music, a world in which you can say your Child's name with love and not worry about others turning away. That to me, is what this wonderful place helps us do.

I wish you all a night of deep sleep and some good dreams.

[Shelli's Mum Cheryle]

<3

[Shelli's Mum Cheryle]

<3

[Guest]

.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sorry to new moms here, James's mom Terry, and Bronis's mom. I am glad though, that you found this place to fall. It has been a great help to me just to know there are others that share this pain and heartache. Part of my sadness is the fact that Jared was already gone and I didn't get to hold him or be with him in his last moments. He had never had a broken bone or any serious injury. Many times, though, I would be the one to pull out the splinter, or butterfly bandage a cut.

To James's mom, Terry:

Your recall of your son's love of video games, and guitar hero, really brought back some memories for me! My son, 15 year old Jared, loved to play guitar hero, and always played on the expert level, and was such a show off!! He could put the guitar behind his back and play and still beat everybody here! He forced me to play on the hard level, because on medium I sometimes beat him, as there was such a disparity between those levels.

He also played Assasin's Creed, which he got at Christmas 2010, during one of the worst snowstorms we had in years, and he was so happy as it gave him something to do. My husband, Jerry, goes in his room and plays Gears of War and Black Ops on the X-Box game that he and Jared were playing before he left us. He's not very good at it, compared to Jared, who was really good at these games. I remember he would bring his games down and play on the big screen in the living room sometimes, and was delighted when he had me for an audience.

Jared would act like a little kid, sticking out his bottom lip and pouting when he wanted something, and say something like "mom, please"? When he saw that act wasn't working, he would burst out laughing. I miss his laugh and his smile so much.

You are right, Terry, people don't get the "triggers". I still have a very hard time riding past the skate park where Jared spent so much time, and past the little league fields where his father coached his teams for years, and refuse to go to the elementary school where I was the night that he was killed. I had to remind someone this past week that I didn't particularly want to have a meeting in the local fire department, as they won't return my requests for information about the night of the crash. There are many questions still unanswered. Will my boycotting these places change anything? No, but I just don't want to put myself through that agony. I have enough without purposely adding to it. People look at me with that look that says 'you're not over THAT yet'? I hold firm. I don't care if they understand or not. It's my path, and I will walk it in my own way. Don't get me wrong, I love to talk about Jared, but most are afraid to bring up his name. I usually do first, and sometimes, they seem to be put at ease, and other times not. It is what it is.

Yesterday marked three years since my oldest son's best friend, Capt Brian, was lost at sea in a boating accident. It was 7 days before his body was recovered, as the harbor was iced in. He was only 37, and had a wife and two children. My son had a really hard time dealing with his loss, as they had been best friends for more than half of his life. Now, I look to Brian, whose picture is on my wall above Jared's, and ask him to look after my youngest son, Jared, until we can join them in heaven.

[rlolheiser]

I wanted to stop to say hello to all of you. I haven't been writing for a long while. I just don't have the words anymore. I do read most days, sometimes I am not able to get online, just to much going on.

JaBoa's mom was in a very bad place. she was shooting up drugs, she was just so frustrated with the legal system. She jumped through hoop after hoop and the social worker still wouldn't do anything to give her hope for her children. I am not making up the insensitivity of the social worker, I believe she should be fired but I did everything by the book and the worker still is trying to stop me from having my grandson. I am now on the hot seat along with my husband and we have to take parental capacity tests. My husband is furious. We have our son age 9 and Sena, we haven't had a problem.. I helped raise my other grandchildren and there was no problem.. this woman is stretching the time trying to make so the parental rights are cut. Back the JaBoa's mom, she called me and wanted to come home, I told her it had to be a clean coming home, and she had to go into treatment. she agreed and completed a six month treatment in 3 months. The center she went to was thrilled with her progress and want to continue helping her to regain her custody of her kids. I still have Sena, and JaBoa's mom was released to me. she is in the process of finding housing that will protect her and her children and help her to keep stable along with resources for the children. she is back to being my daughter, she talks freely about JaBoa and no longer blames herself for the accident. I have a new and improved daughter and I thank the Good Lord for it.

Mom is still confused, her kidneys are again worsening. I just go day by day with her. My son is terrific, he certainly helps me through my days. Hubby and I have our ups and downs but with a full house, that comes. nothing drastic, he is still the love of my life...

I have been sick, I think it was the flu. It has knocked me down hard. My lungs are still hurting, but during the day I do pretty well. Night just is a little tougher, the air seems to have a bad reaction on me.

I think of all of you, I pray, I remember the pains I felt so much when i lost my grandaughter. .. for all the new people my heart cries.. for all of you.. my heart cries.. it has been 6 years.. and sometimes it still hits hard... but I know I have to go on. If for nothing else for JaBoa.. but I know I go on for many... I go on because I want to be the best person I can be, I want JaBoa proud of me.. I want to make life better for everybody I know I am a good person because I knew.. and know JaBoa.. that is what I want people to know I take the tools that little 10 year old taught me.. I hope that makes sense.. I get to feeling I ramble as I still am not feeling the best :-)

Anyway.. I hope the New Year finds you all well, and the sadness you feel becomes less, I know it doesn't always work that way.. as I hear so much from all.. it is a new person we find with the tragedy we have to overcome. It isn't easy and Thank God or whoever you thank.. that this site is available.

Carol, thinking of you at this difficult time, praying you find your peace with your sweet angels, may you stay strong and take care of yourself.

Dee, Betty, Sherry, Rhonda, Kate, Gretchen, Trudi, Becky, Kathy, Lori, (not coming up with everybody... you are all so important)... thank you.. for sharing your life

[TerryLip]

I am so glad I wrote yesterday and thank you all for your support. I sometimes reach the point where I think "that's it, I can't go on any longer". I usually turn to writing down my thoughts but sometimes I want to 'talk' to someone. I need someone to listen!

I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost james to an accident or an illness but I have my own demons to face and fight.

My brother had been fighting cancer for 3 years. He had moved into palliative care 3 weeks before and on the night of October 8-9 I was with him all night and he died early Friday morning October 9. After a long day with my mom, making funeral arrangements, etc. I finally went home about 5:30pm. James was home. He was living with us because he went back to school in January 2009 after working as a computer programmer. He wanted to do more with music (his two great loves were music and gaming) so he started an Audio Production Engineering program. I think he was having the best year of his life. He absolutely loved it! And for once he really cared about doing well and was acing all his courses. Because he was at school, not work, he had more time at home so I saw him a lot more than usual that year and did more with him - which I'm very grateful for actually.

But that day I was tired in the evening. He was playing COD with a friend on line. He gave me a big hug when I came home. Normally I might have sat with him for a while, talked or just watched what he was doing. But I was tired so I went to bed a little earlier than usual.

About 3am I woke and I could still hear his computer. This wasn't unusual on a Friday night! But he usually would have headphones on so finally, after 10 minutes or so I got up to tell him it was time to go to sleep. I found James on the floor and he was cold and stiff and I knew. My heart stopped. I went into panic mode. I screamed for my husband, rushed to call 911 all the while knowing........... There seemed like endless hours after that of police and coroner and crime scene people. Finally I could go and sit on the floor with him and cry my heart out.

So James was at home, somewhere he should have been safe. The autopsy findings took 3 months and his death is still "unascertained". He was perfectly healthy, except his heart just stopped.

But I think I heard him fall. There were some loud bangs just before I went to bed but I was too tired to investigate. I thought "oh whatever they dropped they can pick it up and clean it up, I've done enough today". But now of course I regret with all my heart and soul not checking. Especially as the coroner first said it might just be that James fainted but the way he fell maybe his air was cut off and it would only take a few minutes for that to kill him. Can you imagine the anguish that thought has caused me? I try not to believe that but I so desperately want to go back and do things differently. I don't "blame" myself. I know I never in a million years could have imagined what might be happening. But I regret, I regret.

And the phone calls I had to make afterward. Calling his best friend. Calling my daughter was the hardest thing I've ever done. Going to tell my mom - to lose her grandson as well as her son. There is no way this all should have happened on the same day, but it did. And it has been hard for both of us.

I'm sorry to pour my heart out. That night haunts me. I try very hard now to block it out because I cannot change anything. I want to - but I know I can't. So now when those thoughts come I try to start thinking of James alive and doing things he loved. It's beginning to work I think. It's a very slow process, isn't it?

James loved Assassin's Creed also. I remember him showing me the game. I loved to watch. Many of his friends thought the game boring and repetitive but he loved being immersed in that world and just wandering around. It was the first game I picked up when I decided to start playing. I felt so stupid but I persevered and I finished the game and I loved it. I have finished all the sequels now as well and I talk to James as I play. Sometimes during a game I get really stuck trying to do something and that's when I really would like his help. I try to think that he does help me. Certainly without all I learned from him I would never even have tried to play. And then one of his friends told me that in one game "Mirror's Edge" you could go online and if somebody had done a time trial run their score would be online and you could even watch a "ghost" of that person actually doing the run. They took a video of James' ghost doing a particular run and it was like magic. I got the game and played it (it is one of my very, very favourites!) and then I tried some of the time trials, racing against James' ghost. It was some of the best times and best therapy you could ever imagine. I practiced and practiced until my name was up there, second to James name on my "friend's list". I managed to get good enough to beat his friends (felt pretty good about that!) but I could never come close to James. He was that good. When they were looking to play on teams everyone just said "whatever team Covak is on". Covak was his gamer tag. I have that name on my wall as well as James.

I managed to play Guitar Hero on hard finally also and a few songs on expert but nothing like James. It was most fun when we played co-op and I would usually play bass to his rhythm. I'm a leftie so I would sit on his right and we would have the best time. How I miss that. My fondest memories of him are listening to him laughing with his friends on line. They had the best fun playing. Some friends were far away but many were close and more than once I had about 5 or 6 computers around the house set up on a LAN just for the weekend so they could play some multi-player game.

And I miss the music. James always had music playing. He had very eclectic tastes. He loved the Beatles but he also loved Metallica, and Cake and Tenacious D. I got to listen to some great music and I can honestly say I like a lot of Metallica. The only "rock" concert I ever went to was with James he let me go with him and his friend because I really liked Collective Soul. That was a special night.

Thanks for letting me talk about him. I can tell now that most people I know deliberately try not to talk about James. They are afraid of upsetting me. But it upsets me more to ignore him. I can bring him into a conversation now, when it's appropriate, without falling to pieces, because I want people to realize he is still part of my life. And he always will be. I'm who I am today because of James. He had life figured out. He knew what he loved and he did it. He wasn't ambitious for money or fame. He cared less about clothes or possessions - except of course the best computer and other tech things! He was calm and didn't take offense easily. I know he wasn't a saint. But he was a good, kind person. We never had an argument or a fight with James. My husband and I tried to remember a time when he gave us any trouble and he just never did. He was a rock for us, an anchor. He calmed me down. He took things as they came and never seemed to get upset at those things he couldn't change.

I never knew until afterwards how competitive he was in his gaming. That was one area he wanted to excel in and he never gave up until he was top of the leader boards. But even then his friends and competitors respected him. He was never mean about it and was always helpful. One friend told me how helpful he was when he was on his team, even though James had to do most of the work, he seemed happy to pass along helpful hints. But then he said the first time he played against him James promptly "killed" him! When he asked why James said "well, I couldn't tell you all my secrets!" - but he said it with a grin. I remember that grin. It was a grin of fun and delight.

Well, I'm about to start Halo 4 so thank you all for being there. I'm sorry anybody is there. I'm sorry anybody ever has to go through this, but thank god we have some people who understand.

[TerryLip]

I have just read the post from Jaboa's grandma. What a wonderful thing to have read! Thank you so much for your thoughts. I too have often felt that I must go on - for James, for all the wonderful things he taught me. The only way I can keep him alive - and become a better person. Thank you so much for writing. Never doubt that you help so many people.

[ericasmom]

Terry, I am glad that you are finding your way to telling about James, about who he is and what his life was about. He sounds like a wonderful Son, a real lovable young man. How very sad to have lost him like this, and to lose him the same day as your Brother??? Were they close? Remembering James and all of the stories that surround him are great ways to assure your heart of this forever-relationship. He is forever with you and you with him. He must be very proud of your tenacity at learning all of his favorite games. You needn't ever apologize for letting your stories loose, poring your heart out is what we are all about. It is the right place to let it all be told.

Leah, how nice to see you today. I am sorry that your Girl got mixed up with drugs again but so grateful that she found her way back to you and the kids. I think of you often and pray for your continued strength and love.

Becky, thoughts of goodness for the Captain.