Loss of an Adult Child

[aim630]

Merry Christmas Everyone. I hope you all are able to get through the day with some peace and good memories of your angels and Christmases past.

Love to you all,

Amy/ Ashley's mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I wish you all Merry Christmas, and thank you for being here this past year.

[Guest]

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[Vijayabanu]

Hi Dee.. It's like meeting an old friend, when I read yr post. I m still on anti depressants on and off... My digestion system has gone for a toss... Can't sleep without a pill... But, the pain is definitely softer like a numb headache... The true thing the accident has taken from me is my will to enjoy..to live. I feel, I m in a listless state... I m more dead than alive... I can't bring myself to cook what my son Kiru loves to eat... Let alone eat... I haven't gone anywhere out except to my office and back... Somehow, I feel incomplete and can't face anyone.... Sorry, if i m spoiling yr Christmas mood. Have a great day

[Vijayabanu]

Hi Becky, read yr poem and it just says what every parent is feeling... Once upon a time, holidays were happy occasions, vacations were welcomed with open arms, Weekend was heaven..in a single stroke, God has changed everything... Don't know the purpose... Just drudging along...

[ericasmom]

May you each find some Merry in your Day today. I raise my coffee cup to you all, knowing the strength it takes to look deeply into this day and find a piece of peace.

Amy, good to see you. I hope you feel the golden light of your Angel shining on you today.

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[ericasmom]

Just returned from my walk this morning, the kind of quiet that is holy. An occasional child's laugh echoing off the quieter-than-a-Sunday sidewalks. I prayed aloud as I walked and spoke to all of our Angels as I went along. I asked that they let you each know of their peace and to sweep in as a giant energy into Newtown to let the folks there feel the presence of Angels, the measure of their strength, the absolute of their love. I asked that they fill the town center with a glow of peace and to visit each home where a child is missing, where a sister or mom is missing, where a friend is missing, and let those whose hearts are broken feel a tiny mending-just so that there is hope, that there is always hope.

It began to gently snow as I returned home, thank you Erica my little Snow-loving Girl.

[mikesmomrs]

I have family waiting to eat, so just wanted to say quickly, the same thing that Betty said (I hope you don't mind my borrowing your sentiment, Betty.)

"On this Once Beautiful Holiday I needed to join my Family and connect with those who understand"

love to all, Carol and family

[tobyfreefoot]

LIGHTING A CANDLE TO REPRESENT ALL YOUR SWEET CHILDREN AND HOPING SOMETHING WILL LIGHTEN YOUR LOADS TODAY.

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[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I don't think I commented on your lovely picture you added to last night's post. I love that, thanks. The sense of all things possible in that pretty picture. I hope you are well, I have missed you here, keep in touch.

Lora, Eri was in the hospital for 6 days after the accident, we too had the machines taken away, and I was terrified that her Dad was going to hear the news while we were in the hospital those days: a man woke from a 17 year coma or some such amazing story. I knew that if he heard that that he would try very hard to change the direction we were headed. Knowing Eri as I did, and as he did too but less able to say it is time, I know that Erz would hate living a life on machines and not being able to move or talk and play as she once had. I also knew Eri was going to die with or without our taking her off life support because her numbers were going crazy, her body was dumping all of her salt and her levels of those things measured were topsy turvy. Her brain injury was never going to repair, a severed brain stem, except for one fiber, and brain bleeds all throughout. Eri was done being Eri. She was leaving and letting her stay hooked up any longer felt wrong. I do however know what you mean, you second guess yourself, but likely, the docs would have had something to say if they felt Cara was able to survive her injuries. I am glad that Jared and you had a close time together. Don't know if I will see Les Mis, but I am a pocket or two of tissue kind of girl.

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[tantraman8]

A Blessed Holiday Season to All,

For those who know me, thank you for all of your empathy, love, and support in the aftermath of my son, Josh's passing. Today, Christmas, is the 8 month anniversary of Josh's leaving this plane. Yesterday, I flew from Tucson to Cleveland to be with my three surviving children, grandchildren, and perhaps some sibs.

There is a blizzard warning for tomorrow, definitely NOT Arizona weather, but I am feeling peaceful and enjoying being with those I love. One of my Christmas presents is a DVD of pictures of Josh set to the "heavy metal" he loved. LOL, one of the two genres I don't like. I watched some of it and vacillated between smiling and tears.

In September I went on Family Medical Leave, going from working five days a week to four, and on October, with some suicidal thoughts assailing me, I went on an anti-depressant. I also did two workshops put on by a group called "Access Consciousness" which have been life changing.

Before Josh passed, I had lived my whole life with a level of depression and fear. When the suicidal thoughts hit, I was faced with whether or not to live, and also whether or not I COULD live another 20 to 30 years creating the same depressed, fear imbued life. I had heard many say that, when you lose a child, you experience joy again, but NEVER the same level you had before your child passed.

A HUGE part of me RAILED against that. I knew that Josh and God wanted me to live beyond where I had been before, and sad/grateful to say, that is was only Josh's passing that would shake me out of the habituated, paradoxically comfortable, depression and fear.

I have been working hard to create a life of greater joy, peace, and abundance of human connection. Josh taught me that life is short and a gift and that living with the chains I carried was no longer acceptable. I feel both sadness, (missing Josh) and joy/gratitude as I type this.

Some of you know I lost my love/partner, Catherine in April of 2010 and Josh in April of 2012. What you do not know is that one of my heart's desires was to actualize a loving partnership before I died.

On December 8th, I met Ana Maria. It's early, but she feels like a "resurrection" gift from the Universe/God. I know I could not have pulled her in, if I hadn't done some major work healing my relationship with myself.

My other son, Gregg, relapsed a few months ago and is in a half-way house. Both of my son's drugs of choice were/are opiates. I will see Gregg this Thursday and Friday. I still could lose him to his addiction, but I am committed not to live my life in fear of this, or to allow his choices to limit my peace and happiness. My CHILDREN, like yours are my deepest loves. But, I deserve a good, peaceful, joyful, abundant life because I believe that is God's will for me.

I haven't been on here in a long time, but it felt so right to write tonight....to deeply thank those of you who comforted me, assured me my feeling were normal and offered hope of a life after Josh's passing.

Dee, Kate, Becky, Lora, Gretchen, Sherry, and anyone I've forgotten, blessings and thanks to you. I would not be where I am now without you. To those who don't know me, please be gentle with yourself. This loss is the darkest, deepest, pain I have EVER experienced, and Josh'r passing has brought me to a light I had never known.

Love,

David

[ericasmom]

David, I have been wondering about you, where you were on this pathway. I knew that you were going to visit the kids in Ohio, glad that you are there, stay warm against the cold and blizzard. We keep missing that snow somehow. I hope that your Son is able to stay away from the drugs that cause his life to be a half-life, but as you said and I agree, you cannot change his route, only he can with the help available to him. Certainly your being there must evoke some joy in him, but I know that addiction is amazingly tricky and to spend your life wondering if he will return to that way of life is not living fully. It is such a hard balance to strike when we are parents of kids in need of help. And when we have lost a child it becomes even a harder balance. I wish you so much good. Your Boy wants you to live a full life and stand where he no longer can. I hope that your new friend is a new door to a piece of joy that you have yet to know. Let us know more about the workshops. Keep us up to date on your world David. It is so good to hear from you today.

Lora, husband and I went to my Son, Jon and his wife Shannon yesterday on Christmas Eve for dinner and we exchanged gifts there. They live three blocks from us which is wonderful. It was a lovely evening. Today we spent the day in a town about 15 miles west at John (husband) sister's home. His siblings and parents were there, nieces and nephews too. It was a nice day. Jon and Shan were at her Mom's home today.

Sleep well everyone, goodness knows we can all use some sweet dreams.

[tobyfreefoot]

my daughter is staying here with her 13 month old baby as she is separating from her husband to see if they can work things out. she doesn't get along with my husband and my house is completely filled will stuff and not baby proof at all. it is pretty stressful for everyone plus i had our annual christmas eve brunch for 25-30 people so i haven't had a chance to even read any posts much less respond. know i am thinking of you all. had some moments today i really missed my son's humor and support through all this. taking my middle son back to norman tomorrow so i can go to the cemetery and try to warm my cold natured son as we had an ice storm yesterday and he always hated the cold.

[Mermaid Tears]

Once again....I am in a state of gratitude to each of you in this "place"....even if the reply is not meant for me...there will be words of healing and comfort for me....and I so need even the tiny words....house FULL on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day....as always....we may not make it all the way to Merry this year....but am hanging in there....

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I hope that the tension in the house subsides. I am sorry that your Daughter is going through a hard time and that the overflow is directly to your home. Peace to you.

MT, so glad that you are finding your way through the holidays. Nothing easy but one day at a time attitude helps.

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[Sholl1955]

Hello to all. Like everyone here Christmas was hard. However we had our family get together Christmas Eve. There was a large hole without Sarah. We shed some tears which is normal but all in all we all worked hard to make the evening a good one for the girls. Maddie was somewhat withdrawn and sad and Becca acted out, but we just loved on them and they received way too many gifts as always. Both girls will talk about how they miss Mama which I believe is healthy and we encourage them to talk and we share memories which seems to help them. They were able to go to Disney World 2 months before Sarah died so those memories are fresh and even though mama was confined to a wheelchair/scooter that is not what they remember. It was being together. They talk alot about all of them being together in the hotel room and the fun they had just the four of them. We all felt her presence and know she was with us.

Last night my son in law asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. I have never gone to a movie on Christmas Day but thought it would be something different to do so I went with him to see "Lincoln" It was a very good movie and I learned alot that I didn't know. The one thing that impressed me was that I remember hearing that Mrs Lincoln suffered from mental problems but never thought too much about it. Well the movie addressed her struggles well. I did not realize but she was grieving/mourning the loss of her child. The President had threatened with putting her in an asylum. Due to similiar circumstances at the time of her son's death she became distraught and he threatened again 3 years after the first time. In the conversation it came out that she was grieving and he acknowledged it and said the reason he threatened the asylum the first time was that he knew she was grieving and it was too hard for him to see because he was grieveing daily for his son but could not take time out to grieve and kept it in. It made me wonder how many of us have had to deal with family and friends thinking we have lost our minds when it is grief?? I know some people in my life think I am grieving too long. It made me think differently about Mrs. Lincoln and the pain she carried with her while serving this country.

Hope everyone has a quiet day today. We are having snow with high winds today so a good day to stay home.

Sandy

[RobertAnthonysMom]

This is my first post. I was feeling down today and tried to find anything to help me to feel better. This is where I ended up. I lost my 25 year old son, Robert, on November 10th, 2012. He 'is' my youngest child... I have a 27 year old daughter as well.

After reading quite a few previous posts... I think I feel worse now than I did before. :-) Knowing that this pain doesn't go away is a 'heavy' reality to carry with me. I am not suicidal.. would never do that... but I have to say I really don't want to live my life feeling this pain. So I'm lost.... what choice do I have? Life was painful before this happened... now it's unbearable.

My son was found unresponsive in a truck in the early morning of November 10th. His blood/alcohol level was extremely high. He had used drugs a few years back but the detectives found nothing at the scene to lead them to believe he was using anything other than alcohol. We are still waiting for the toxicology report. Either way it doesn't matter. The fact is.. he is gone forever no matter what it was that took him away.

My son was still living at home with my husband and I. My daughter does not live with us. For the past 3 years he was like our only child because he was living here alone with us. We couldn't do enough for him. He was always so polite and thankful for all that we did for him. He was a good boy... very kind to everyone.

Christmas was very difficult for me this year. Robert LOVES Christmas and always pushed me to buy our tree early and decorate it. So this year I had the tree up and decorated on December 1st... for him.

I know this is still new.. not even two months gone. But it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I do understand that his actions played a part in his own death but it doesn't make it any easier.

I hurt so deeply and I seem to be heading in the wrong direction.... getting worse instead of better.

Rhonda (Robert's mom)

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I welcome you to aplace I wish you never needed to find, though it is such a good place for this sad time. I am here over 9 years and don't let that frighten you. I remain here because it remains a place where talking about our grief is absolutely fine, and because I feel as a few others here do, we suffered this shocking time a while back, we feel that if we can help any and all that come through our threshold we have done some good in the world. Many of us believe that our Angels lead us here to be with one another the way we like to think of them together.

Erica was 19 when she was killed back in 2003. Her light is what helped me through the early months and years and is still the beacon for me now.

Tell us more about Robert and your Daughter and about your life. How is your husband doing with grief? So often, husbands and wives grieve very differently. As far as getting worse instead of better...well everyone here had the same experience, it does get worse before you start feeling any better and that has everything to do with shock adn how it wears off. The reality is making itself clear, the shock that protected you through the first months is shedding, there will be more to fall away and each time, it feels we are backsliding. Take heart, we know that feeling and we can tell you clearly, that you are not doing anything wrong, it is just the nature of grief. Tell us whatever you want to tell us and don't worry about knowing which of us is who...that takes time and it happens rather naturally over time. Until later, know that you are heard and that we are holding your hand through this very tender time.

Lora, be careful driving, I just saw the news and the whiteout conditions where you are.

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[Mermaid Tears]

Rhonda....I joined the group...and have found such a comfort from each person that shares....it is hard...and all I can say is the people on here understand my "kind' of grief....many around me don't understand....blessings to all....

[daveydow1]

Dee----We're getting the snow now ! It started about 10 a.m. Denny got out the

snowblower and did the lane. Then the snow let up for awhile, then started up

again. So now he will have to do the lane again tomorrow. The bird feeder was

so busy with birds today....all kinds. They seemed to be 'filling up' in preparation

of the cold night tonight. Thanks for saying prayers for all our angels on your

walk......and glad that you felt Eri's dear spirit.

Lora----sending prayers for your friend, Wende, whose dear grandfather went

to heaven on Christmas Day. May he rest in peace. You mentioned cooking.....

yep---I was doing lots of cooking, and it was a distraction, but when I was all

done with it, I had an 'empty' feeling.....like, "now what"?.. Know what you mean

about going to the cemetery and having that sad yearning. Oh...snuggling with

the kitties.....that's what I'm doing tonight too. Peace...and,... Take care, my BI friend.

Banu-----Praying that you can find some peace in the days ahead.

Gretchen---Thanks for lighting the candle for all our angels.

Betty & Carol-----Nice messages.....thanks for posting them.

David----Sending prayers for Gregg, that he may find his way out of the drugs.

Rhonda-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Robert Anthony. I am glad that

you found your way to this site. Please come back and read/post when you can.

Being so recently thrown onto this journey, I understand your heartbreak and sorrow.

I, along with Dee, have been on here for over 9 years, and it has been a lifeline.

Peace & prayers, friend.

Sandy-----Yes,....friends, and some people in general, may say that you are grieving

too long. Of course, they do not really know the depth of your sorrow. Unless they

have also lost a dear child, they cannot really understand. Your grieving is a process

that you must do in your own way, and in your own time. No one can tell a grieving

person how long to grieve, or when to stop, or to 'get on with life'. I wish you peace & comfort.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Lora, glad that you are on your way home and no extra hours tonight as your weather gets more treacherous.

We have no snow, other than a very light dusting from yesterday. The snow hitting all of you to the south and east are getting slammed from what I hear. Sherry, looks like a good snowfall for you guys. Fun to watch the birds at the feeder, even here without snow the feeder empties in a day. The birds have been a delight. Have fun snuggling with Misty. I know what you mean about that empty as a drum feeling after you do somethings to distract you, the reason for the distracting remains present in our lives.

Snowing so much in Indiana, where Sandy is from, that the Bulls game is cancelled there. Sandy, as it was said here, others do not know the depth of your ache, of your loss. They do not know what it is to sit with your Grandgirls and watch them struggle in their grief, which by the way, is still very new. This is not a long time ago and even if it was, to those that are asking you to get on with it, we must take our time in grief, we must explore all the caverns in our hearts and spirits in order to find out who we are now in this new life. You are doing what you must do. I think it is sweet that your SIL asked you to the movies. I eventually will go see LINCOLN.

[tobyfreefoot]

Rhonda-i haven't replied to much here lately. i am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful son. i too can testify it gets worse before it gets better. after those first few days i was just sad and sort of functioning but as the weeks rolled along it began to creep in more on me. over time as someone said the melt downs get farther apart. you are so new to this and i wish i could take the pain away. it will get easier but not yet. so glad you managed to get the tree up for him. because he is already making his essence part of your daily life, you will never be without him.

today hasn't been a good day for me. i took my middle son back to norman, got a text my daughter's husband was taking her and the baby home until he moves into an apartment on the 30th because she just couldn't stay here any longer. then i went to the cemetery. forest's memorial was covered in ice. the roses his friends had left had been blown off and were frozen in the snow. i put a few things there, put the roses back and cried hysterically. then i went home and packed my daughter and precious grandchild up. when they left i collapsed into a screaming, crying heap in my husband's arms for half an hour. it has been awhile since i felt this bad. i think i go along ok and the sorrow must be quietly building inside me until something triggers it and brings me to my knees. i have to say in a way i don't mind because it lets me know my love hasn't lessened, nor really has my sorrow i suppose. it has just found a place where it can dwell in my heart that is less intrusive, until it has to let itself be known then it now waits until it can freely express itself before it bursts forth with a torrent. i am feeling better now. up for a couple of more months of reasonable behavior i think. thanks all, you have no idea how much comfort i get from all of you. i will probably return here on and off all my life because you all are my rock like no one else.

[ericasmom]

_{Gretchen, so sweet to see the Grandgirl. She is lovely. It looks like a lot of beautiful musical instruments behind her on the wall. A mandolin and some harps}ichords? Look at the way the word just jumped up here and decided its size on its own...I really don't know what happened here but I am thinking a spirit of some sort jumped in my keyboard. Anyway, who are the musicians in your family? You said you took your Son back to Norman. What is Norman, or where? I hope your Daughter can find her way as she and the Babydoll move back out of the house. Falling apart every now and then is certainly what most of us do Gretchen, so let those tears fall when they may, glad you feel better for it. I like the remark about reasonable behavior.

[Memeof3]

This is the first time I have been on this site. We just lost our dear Cassidy Nov. 1st. She was 15 and struck by a car on the way to her bus stop only a few yards from our home. We had just bought it and moved in 6 days before and we were all eager and excited. It was an awesome home. Cassidy fought for 6 days and they did amazing things to keep her going that long. It was hour to hour and we were at the best place for her, but their was way too much damage to her brain. She is the oldest of the three kids and we are all lost and devestated as most of you have described so well. Unbelievable that a body can endure so much pain and shock and still "live" as we are forced to do. Cassidy was able to donate life to a lot of people as she had wished, but that readlly doesn't help ease the pain. I tried to use that and it didn't do the trick...nothing does. This site has given me hope and comfort. We are currently in WA state and packing now to move to PA. My husband is Navy and he was given orders so he could return home for our kids to have family support. The community and Navy have been so amazing as well as family and friends, but again no one gets it. We are going to go to counseling and support groups when we get settled in, but wantedto thank you all for sharing. I hold on to each day is one day closer to seeing her again, but I am trying to find moments to enjoy with my other 2 kids and husband. No one should ever have to endure such pain and I am so sorry for each of your losses. I keep reliving the phone call and just break down all the time especially as we pack her stuff. Unreal! Again thank you all, Rachel

[tobyfreefoot]

hey dee-norman is the town the university of oklahoma is located in. forest lived there, logan moved in with him and then ashlie. allison and michael moved to norman to be near those three. marshall graduated high school and was going to move in with forest, logan and ashlie but unfortunately i had to call him in europe to tell him about forest so he moved into the dorms instead and logan moved in with allison and michael. now marshall is in a house there with three of forest's old friends and michael, allison and logan are relocating but all still in norman. my kids obviously are a very tightknit group and have become so with forest's friends. we had one friend for thanksgiving and three others at christmas. it is a little over an hour from my house. marshall is still in school there.

the instruments were my aunt's. the one on the right is called a ukelin and is played with a bow. we also have an old wooden steel guitar you can see a bit of, some strange 2 stringed african instrument carved with an antelope head and an instrument called a hawaiian tremolo that were given us by my husband's stepfather. neither my kids or i have any musical abilities, my husband however is an incredible harmonica player. bound to be my aunt appreciating someone noticing her instruments! she was a very fascinating person that ran a well known antiquarian and used book shoppe in okc.

feeling so much better after my episode this evening. it had been building up, then the other stress going on when i saw the ice all over his memorial and the flowers scattered and frozen to the ground i just fell apart because we both hated the cold so much. i own 3 cemetery plots and when he died my mom went to choose it for me and came back saying "i chose the southern most one because it will be the warmest"

i haven't been on much so can you tell me what happened to kate?

[tobyfreefoot]

oh rachel soo much at once seems impossible to deal with. i am so sorry. please stay in touch and tell us about cassidy and your other children as well. i will be thinking of your family as you face the challenge of moving at this time when i'm sure everything seems hard. i hope you will find some glimmer of hope and warmth of comfort here. i ache to think of you having a moment you relive as we all truly understand

[shellyku]

Good morning friends! Been reading this early morning and want to first address Rhonda and Rachael.

My heartfelt condolences to you Rhonda on the loss of your son. I am so glad you found this port in your

storm. That is what it felt like to me when I discovered Beyond Indigo, which is what it was called in October

2010 when I frantically searched, as I believe you did, for a place where I could find out "how do I do this?"

I encourage you, as others have, to come back and share what you can, when you can...the people you

will get to know on here are the kindest, gentlest, compassionate people I have ever encountered. Prayers

to you.

Rachael - to you also my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your Cassidy, and as was mentioned, to have

to move in addition to your loss is so much to bear. If you can in the hustle/bustle of the move stay connected

here, it is a lifeline that keeps us in communicado with those who "know". It is an invaluable resource when

the "rollercoaster" as Lora called it, and the "backsliding" that Dee referred to hits that we can come to for

validation of our feelings, ideas and tips on caring for ourselves, and reading how others are getting on to help

us along this path. A path, by the way, you nor Rhonda, nor any of us, nor any new parent, should have to be on.

My prayers to you also Rachael.

My name is Shelly and I lost my older of two daughters, Sarah Linn, to leukemia in August of 2010. She had

just turned 29 years old. As was discussed earlier, this path is a hard one to be sure. It continues to be at this

stage of my journey but I can assure you it does get softer. I believe Dee is your go-to gal for describing the

ways to take care of yourself through this early part of your journey, but we are all here to lend an ear, encourage

you and understand what you're feeling. Blessings to all here, I'm running out of room! Shelly

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[tobyfreefoot]

lora the photo looks like a christmas card! hoping the sight gave a moments joy to your friend.

[ericasmom]

Rachel, the sadness I feel in opening a new day to a parent new to this sadness, I am so sorry. Cassidy, what a great name, an energetic name. I'll bet that she will be an energetic Angel, making contact with you and the family in sweet Cassidy ways. The amount of changes you are going through with the moves alone are overwhelming, to have to endure the changes you and the family will travel in grief is too much to ask a family to go through, yet...here we all are. My Girl, Erica, also died after 6 days in Trauma Unit in Kalamazoo, Michigan when an Amtrak hit her car. Her brain injuries were too much to live through, but she hung out I am convinced, to make sure all of her buddies, and there are so many, and her cousins and aunties and uncles could come say goodbye. She died in 2003, the summer. All of her friends from here in first suburb outside of Chicago went to her bedside and made friends with her newer buddies from Kalamazoo. She and my Son, Jon, lived there together with some friends as they attempted to go to community college. Neither of them like school, and yes, of course I am a teacher. Anyhow, Jon, 2.5 years older than she moved back to town as soon as Eri died, he lived 3 blocks from me and my husband, living back with he and ERi's dad. Now, 9.5 years later, he is a married man and living in the house 3 blocks away still as his Dad died and he took over th ehouse.

To Newbies: Life changes so dramatically for everyone in this kind of loss. Be very kind to yourselves. Each child will go through what they must but therapy will help everyone realize that grief is different for each. In it, we change, of course, but the essence of you, that piece that connects you each to Cassidy, to Robert- that remains. Nurture each other and let yourselves cry and mourn. THere is no way around or under or sideways of grief, only through it. There are no wrong ways through grief unless you want to hurt yourself. Reliving the call, the time in the hospital, the events that were forced into your world are part of grief, but for me, I was reliving them in a way that was starting to hurt my spirit. Each night I would take my nightly walk at the same time I did that night that I spoke with Eri just 30 minutes before she was hit. Each walk I went through that phone call as though it was that night. Then, at the time that the horrid call came in from the hospital, (did not know that a train had hit her and I did not know the call was from a chaplain), I wiould sit in the same chair and in my mind take that call. So I finally had to do some different things physically to remove myself from the reenactment. I would go out on my bike instead of walk, I would make sure I was on the phone with a sister or friend at that time each night in order to not be able to do the full rewind of the event that made my world change.

Eventually, it helped a great deal. SUre the footage is just a blink under my eyelids, but knowing how to stop the replay was key to getting my footing. It helped me find the good memories and store them in place of the bad. I had more room, have more room for the good since that time. I went to therapy and found this place at around the 6 month mark in time. God-send, Angel-send.

In all of this you must drink plenty of water and juice in order to replace the amount of water we lose when we cry to keep your hydration. You must eat even if you don't want to, small meals at least a few times a day to keep your body able to fight. OUr immune systems take a beating in grief. Keep up with vitamins and try if you can, to take walks or get to the gym to keep active as it only helps. Outside, many of us feel closer to our Angels. Good luck on the move, let us know how it goes, and do keep posting if you can.

Gretchen, how lovely those instruments are to have. Wow, your kids are close, so nice to have that closeness.

Lora, the photo is lovely, so peaceful looking, hope driving isn't too bad.

[RobertAnthonysMom]

Thanks so much to everyone. Hopefully sharing my feelings here will help me to move forward and 'soften' the pain. Unfortunately on Dec. 10th I was assaulted at work and had to leave my job because the company chose to do nothing about it and I felt uncomfortable working beside the man after the incident. Not only was that day the first month anniversary for my son... but I was still so lost inside of myself. In fact, even at this time I'm lost inside of myself. Anyway, now I am home all day with nothing to do but think about all that has happened. I know I have to make changes to help myself get through this. Sitting alone gives me way too much time to think. I have stopped taking calls and even stopped texting people back. Communicating with most seems like an obligation and not something I want to do. And I don't like when people tell me to 'cheer up' when I feel that I am doing a great job at holding myself together. Not many truly understand... I get that.

I am fortunate enough to have a daughter who lives 20 minutes away and she has two young daughters (ages 9 & 6). I am not as close with my daughter as I was with my son but we do get along ok. I wish I could see my granddaughters more often but I have to accept what is. I don't like to stir things up so I smile a lot and let it be. I don't share my true feelings with many.. if anyone.

Thanks so much for being so nice and for listening. I do find writing to be therapeutic. I hope to search deep down inside of me and to eventually find an acceptance that will help to pull me through this pain. But at this point I'm amazed that all of you have made it as far as you have living life without your son/daughter. It just doesn't seem like it is possible right now.

[tobyfreefoot]

Rhonda what a terrible event to happen on that anniversary. being home is hard however i found the effort to go to work hard too. i hope you can find something to distract you if that is what you need. people telling me to cheer up just made me angry. i tend to isolate when depressed, sounds like you do too. hopefully we will be an avenue to keep you from feeling so alone and misunderstood. we care about you and are here to listen to anything you need to share. our hearts are broken also sometimes it doesn't seem possible to go on but suicide is the only other option and since i also have other children it takes that option away from me. i am close to my daughter though she has borderline personality disorder which makes our relationship a little rocky sometimes so we don't have the closeness quite the same as i had with my oldest son, forest (28), who was killed along with his girlfriend when she fell asleep at the wheel and hit the back of a parked semi at 67 miles per hour. i have two younger boys that i love dearly but don't have quite the same openness with.

my daughter also nearly died at one time from alcohol poisoning. someone called me and i was able to get her to the hospital but so many others have suffered this same fate. i don't think robert's actions playing a part makes any difference. young people often drink and often don't realize the dangers of over-drinking, like any other accidental overdose. i am so sorry because like all of the kids represented here robert still had so much ahead of him. this is the first picture i have seen of him and he is a doll. looks like he was full of good times. my son lived for fun and i have to take comfort in the fact that the older he got the more responsibility he would have had to assume and the less fun he would have had. pretty poor string to grasp i know but it is one i have held on to in desperate moments. peace to you as the new year starts without our beautiful sons/daughters.

[RobertAnthonysMom]

Gretchen,

Thank you so much. You wrote, 'my son lived for fun and I have to take comfort in the fact that the older he got the more responsibility he would have to assume and the less fun he would have had'. Thank you for writing this. My son was the very same way. He was the life of the party and I feel it got to the point where he knew it was expected of him. He liked to entertain everyone else. He loved to make people laugh.

I never thought of it your way... thank you for giving me something to hold onto for now.

[ericasmom]

It is in these kinds of connections that healing and hope meet.

[daveydow1]

Rachael---I am sorry for your loss of your sweet daughter, Cassidy. We,

here at BI, understand your severe shock, pain, sorrow and devastation

at the loss of your daughter. This is a large site, and is pretty well visited

by many people at all stages of the grief process. I think that you will find,

as you come here, that there is good, kind, and compassionate posts in

support of all who join in here. I've been on this site for over 9 years, and

have found it to be a lifeline. There was no one whom I could really talk to

when my son was killed in 2003, and this site gave me hope to keep on

going. Please come back, friend.

Dee----Have you gotten any snow yet.? Ours is over, I guess.....we got

about 8 inches overall. It's a wet, heavy snow. We now have an opossum

coming to the birdfeeding area. He visits, eats seed from the ground and

the stump where Denny puts seed, then goes on his way. Seems not to

be frightened by us, but will run off if we make noise......(he scares the birds

away, so we shoo him off)

Lora----Yes, I agree with you that there is no 'cure' for our kind of heartache,

and that we can only go ahead a step at a time. Sometimes I feel like I have

an ever-present shadow dogging me......a veil of sorrow that shadows all

the rest of life. I don't mean to say that I am in a terrible way with grief......not

that,... and it has become a good bit softer over the years,...but as you say...it

never goes away. That's because of the enduring love we have for our dear children,

and how we will always have them in our hearts and in our thoughts.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tobyfreefoot]

sherry-you and dee give us hope and also let us know the pain will soften but won't go away. i think it is a pain earned from the intense love for our kids. one that i would never want to lose in a way. not one i ever wanted but one i wouldn't trade if it meant i never got to have forest. i hope i am making myself clear. i never wanted this hole in my heart and at times it hurts so much but the fact the dull ache never goes away is a constant reminder of my child who isn't present and makes me aware of his place in my heart always. being his mom is worth all the pain in the world. are lisa and david your only children? you have so much strength to come here and help us after going through so much yourself.

[tobyfreefoot]

rhonda-my son had put this quote on his page of a dating site. we put it on his

memorial.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, took a long walk today and happily, it began to snow, just lightly which is all we have had, not measurable though just 15 miles to our north, it snowed 6 inches. How odd. Still, it was quite lovely walking with snow falling on my head and gathering on my mittens. It is as though we are in a pocket of no snow. We are to get some tomorrow I think maybe 2 to 4 inches. The birds will be extra happy in a day or two when they notice our two new feeders. Today was our 14th anniversary and husband bought us two new bird feeders, a finch feeder and a feeder for birds such as cardinals who like to face their food while eating. Both are no squirrel access feeders. I am so excited by these. He is coming down with that horrid cold that has been circulating. Ick.

Gretchen, you are a sweetie. I so agree, the ache and pain that is described by Sherry is the mark of being a parent to one who leaves and that mark is definitely worth the ache because it means that we have these Children embedded deeply in our hearts. The pain is so difficult, the missing so sad, but the fact that they were here, nothing compares. And now they are everywhere.

Sleep well folks, and if you don't sleep well, come here to post, you will be heard.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I don't think I answered your question about Kate. None of us know where she is at this point. Her computer was acting up for a while and she could not get on but then she has not responded to private emails either, it has been at least three weeks, maybe four. Hoping that she is alright, that her husband is alright.

Brenda's computer is also down, so I have heard from her and she is doing fine. Hopefully, she will be back soon.

Lora, I am glad that you will soon return to your walks, knowing how those are important to me, they seem the same spiritually renewing activity for you.

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Once again....my heart is so filled with gratitude..in reading the posts....it brings a tiny layer of comfort to me.....and I can "get up" and get to doing what needs to be done....for I have all of "you" now in my "world without John David"....each of you understand this invisible wall of grief...and I feel as if I have this circle of friends...I don't have to explain anything to.....I use to walk 3 miles every day....so.....I think I will start walking again....blessings to all....

[tobyfreefoot]

mermaid tears-you do have a circle of friends, isn't it wonderful they are all here. i don't know what i would do without them. that sounds cliche but i seriously think i wouldn't have gotten this far without them.

i don't know where you guys get the time and energy for all you do. lori i often wonder if you are 25. i don't know if i have just been indulging myself or what but i can't do anything much but go to work. in my defense i do have narcolepsy, since forest died my daughter had a baby, i had to care for my dad until he died in june, he was 90 miles away and it was very stressful but still...now i am just fat and self indulgent i guess. i don't have the will to do much. i went to the gym for awhile but then i was hassled by some guys and never went back. bleaach. i just sleep. maybe one day i will get better. i set the alarm to get up and clean out the fridge and find room to put away the christmas dishes. hopefully i will get it done. my husband does everything. he will be so happy even though we already discussed my plans for the day he probably doesn't expect me to actually do it. he is very kind to me. i wish he and my daughter could get along better. they try but idk i'm just going on. sorry i do feel bad when i see what everyone else can get done. it is snowing for some reason not one of my favorite things, surprised me though.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I think you do plenty. You did not mention all the work and travel you did to get Forrest's memorial completed. It is astoundingly beautiful. I am glad that your Husband is good to you, he should be, you are a good person. Narcolepsy? My mom had it, my sis has a bit of it and we all have this ability to sleep quickly but we are also all plagued with insomnia on and off throughout our lives. (me and two sisters) Anyhow, you dealt with many things since Forrest left here, so cut yourself a little slack, we all do what we can to find our way, and no two ways are the same...I will agree however, Lora does sound to be 25 with her energy. Go Lora.