Loss of an Adult Child

[johnsheppard]

sorry i had posted in the wrong section i hope im doing it right this time my name is john sheppard and we lost our son andrew john sheppard in a boating accident on june 12 of this year he had went over a small falls in the river which is only 4 feet deep a eddie had formed and he was sucked in under his friend almost had him before he was gone we have been heartbroke ever scense i go to his grave everyday and night as i dont know what to do without him we were togeather for everything he had told me i was his best friend so i guess a dad cant get a better commelment than that i always told him i was proud of him and loved him when i lost my leg in a accident a few years ago he just done everything that needed to be done no one asked he just did it i call his phone every saturday to here his voice it was our time to talk as we both worked away i wrote a song about him and us sence de passed away i never wrote anything before but it just came to me one night at camp and i wrote it in about an hour between the tears i still cry for him everyday im like someone lost im reposting the song maybe it the way someone else feels and cant put it to words pass it on to anybody you like its a way i can keep him alive to me thankyou all andrews dad john sorry if it seems like im posting all over the place ill figure it out thank-youPhotoStory2.wmv

[hotrod]

Hi Anrew's Dad, John

Glad you found this section of the Board. You have connected with many more parents who understand as few others can. I have listened to your sweet song and it is so very powerful and filled wiht love.

Please keep sharing and reading You are not alone.

[johnsheppard]

thank-you

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

John: Beautiful song for your son, Andrew John Sheppard. He was such a handsome young man, and I can tell by the words of your song how you are still struggling. I know that feeling oh so well. I lost my 15 year old son on October 3rd, 2011, struck from behind by an SUV while he was skateboarding only a 1/4 mile from our home, headed in the direction of home...

Lora: I sent Jared's (J.D.) picture to them because I wanted them to see him as more than a file number or a case number. I think sometimes it is easy for them to forget that this is someone's child, someone's baby. You feel like these officials just don't get it, that they don't understand how badly this hurts. Maybe now they will be more cooperative. I can only pray...

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[daveydow1]

Hello too all Indigos.

Lora----So nice that your son gave you a Kindle for Christmas. Soon you

will be an expert at putting books on the digital forum, and doing a lot

of reading. I'm glad that you are feeling Cara so close to you. All our angels

are always near.

Mermaidtears----So nice to hear of the new baby boy in the family. He's surely

a blessing from above. Yes---I agree with the others who have said that

'self-care' is very important. It's sometimes easy to just let that aspect of

grieving slip by the wayside, but we need to try to keep ourselves as strong

as possible, so that we can draw from that strength for the

grieving process. Peace to you

Brenda-----

thanks so much for all the lovely pics of your decorated home, tree,

and yard decorations. So lovely. I confess that I do a LOT less than that. I

hung a lg. lighted wreath on the front porch......no yard lights, though. Your

house must surely light up the whole block.

Betty-----Good to see Stephen's dear smile.

Kathy---Thanks for the pic of Tav. Goodness.....he's growing into such a

young man since you began posting pics of him in years past. I imagine

he's excited about the holidays, and being on vacation from school.

I like Jessica's new avatar.....so pretty.

Shellyku----Good to see your post.

Dee----Yep----the snow is coming, I guess. It will be a nice sight to see. My

husband said that he will get out the snow blower & get it all 'stoked up' and ready. I

guess your students are excited about the snow coming because we've

not had much so far this year. Your pumpkin/cranberry bread sounds yummy!

I have to bake my husband an apple pie tomorrow.....I promised. It's his favorite.

Misty doesn't favor playing with cat toys, it seems. She does like

running through the house, and chasing a long piece of twine that my husband

pulls along for her. Our tree this year has been reduced down to a small

fiber optic one that we've put on a stand. Not getting the large one out this

year---just not up to it. Also, afraid that the kitty would not leave it alone. So far, she hasn't been

bothering the small tree. People ask me if I'm ready for Christmas....I just smile

and say that I'm 'as ready as I'll ever be'.

WISHING ALL INDIGOS PEACE AND COMFORT.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Phew, busy day but finally home and able to listen to your Song John, for your Boy. It was lovely, a heartfelt poem put to music. Many tears that fall on our Kids' graves. We are with you.

Tell us more about your Son when you can. He sure is a handsome kid.

Lora, how amazing...you were speaking about the priest calling Cara- Erica and then asking you to send something to Kalamazoo, Michigan? Wow. That is where Erz lived for the last 11 months of her life, so happy there with her Brother, (who moved back here when she was killed) and with her friends. She had a taste of independence, it pleased her so. I am forever grateful that she had it, albeit short.

Becky, you just keep on keepin on. If you can make change, well then terrific, but Lord knows, as does Jared, that you have fought the good fight. The reminder to the folks in charge is gorgeous. Those magnificent eyes looking right into theirs. The days numbered as they were...all powerful.

Kathy, holy cow that Boy of yours. He is so grown now. Tavian, how wonderful to see you. I know that the holidays make you sad, but with that big boy who loves the holidays I am sure that there is a lot of joy throughout the house. I know that a break for you both will fill you.

Shelly, good to see you today, these are busy days at school so I am always glad to see some old friends. Hanging in there?

Sherry, the giant snow promised looks to be falling short here, just started about an hour ago rather than at 3:00 as predicted. It has mostly rained all day and was mild in temps so it couldnot snow. I hope we get some though, tomorrow is our last day of school for a few weeks, and the solstice, and this is the latest ever for snow in Chicago. We have had no measurable amounts this year. Not even a dusting.

[justinlsmom]

I am sorry to veer of topic, but i am so stressed out right now. I have to ask this question and I am hoping nobody will judge me. My 16 year old daughter has been trying my patience so much i just feel like screaming,. She just keeps complaining about everybody and everything. we are going away for christmas , my daughter, my husband and i, just to get away from the holidays and she is looking forward to it , she tells me all the time, but she just complains about everybody and everything. I just want to yell at her and tell her to be quiet, she just brings so much negativity around. I understand she is hurting, but wow, she has got to have some understanding of what we are going through, even as I am typing this, she just said to me," I am going downstairs, I can't handle listening to my typing on the keyboard". Its just a constant barrage of negative energy. Is anybody else having to deal with this with their surviving child/children? She is on her own now, we only had two kids and the oldest is no longer with us. If so, what do you do to stop yourself from yelling at them? I can feel my patience seeping away.

[ericasmom]

Patty, sixteen year old girls can be a challenge on a good day when nobody in the family has tragically died. I think by your dates here, you are in the fifth month of loss which for many is a very hard time having so much to do with shock wearing away and leaving everyone raw. In a household, everyone reacts differently to each other, to the day to day, to the holidays. Your Girl is reacting without possibly being aware of what has her being so negative. It could be that she is a bit afraid of leaving the traditions and it could be that she is having a hard time with the anxiety she is holding inside. Many kids don't know how to talk about their grief for fear that it might make everyone more sad, so they keep it in. They also have to deal with hearing their friends complain or take delight in something a sibling said, and Boom, there she is again, the girl who lost her brother. The siblings lose so much when their bro or sis leave. There are far less books written on that than when parents lose a child. They get kind of lost in the equation. Oh, I am not saying lost in your equation, but they really have a hard time trying to figure out who they are without that sibling, who they should be for you...and then again, she is 16. Has she seen a counselor or therapist? She may need to talk with someone that can help her see that grief takes some time and manifests differently in each of us. I wish you the very best. Where are you going for the holiday?

[justinlsmom]

Hi Dee, we are off to Ireland for 10 days, we have family over there, we just need a change of scenery to get through this holiday season. You are right 16 year old girls are trying in general.lol! I just find that she is so negative about everything and everybody, I can feel my anger start as she talks and I have to remind myself she is going through her own personal hell and she has the right to feel the way she feels, its worrisome,I would hate for her to have this outlook on life for the rest of her life. She wasn't the most optimistic young lady to begin with, but this has certainly made matters worse, doesn't help that her dad is also generally a negative person and she idolizes him, I have spoke to him about it and he is trying to not make so many negative comments, but I see he is struggling.

Yes, I did send her to see a counselor and she hated it, in her words " her lips move funny when she talks" and "she asks to many questions and just stares at you until you answer", I managed to get her to go two times and both times she came back miserable, she said she feels worse after these sessions, my guess is it just brings out the pain she is really in and avoids by keeping busy with friends etc. I told her we wont make her go anymore, but that we will revisit this in the spring once things have settled down and we have a "new normal" maybe then she may want to go, we will see.

This forum is so comforting, you always know when you throw out a question somebody who is going through the same thing as you are will always comment and help you see things from a different perspective. Sometimes you can't see the forest for trees.

Thank you and take care.

[Sholl1955]

Patty,

I think that siblings of any age struggle with the loss of their sibling in ways far different than we as parents do. I have 2 girls. When Sarah died that left my youngest as suddenly an only child. She and Sarah were very close. She has changed (as we all have) and right now she is angry and it comes out directed at me. I remember right after she died she said that she had always thought that she would have her sister. She knew that when her father and I were gone they would face that together and now she will have to deal with it alone. She also expressed that when something happened to us she would be an orphan and alone. These comments came right after Sarah died and she does not speak to me about Sarah now. She is not 16, she is 31 years old married, with a child and expecting again. She has been so angry and I will be honest and tell you this has been very hurtful to me as this is not how she usually is. I have had to step back and pray that someday our relationship will be what it once was before we lost Sarah. I think that just as our world has changed and we struggle to live in a world that will never be the same again, so do our living children. Maybe it would not be as hard for them if they had other brothers/sisters, i don't know. The Compassionate Friends online have some resources that are specific to siblings that may help her and she could connect with other siblings going through what she is, if that is something she would want to check out. You are in my prayers as your family face the days ahead. Also praying for you just because you are the mother of a 16 year old:-) Have a peaceful day.

Sandy

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[Sholl1955]

I have been reading but not alot of posting. The Holidays are difficult but we are trying to provide a nice Christmas for the girls. I don't want Christmas to always be a sad place for the girls so we decorate and talk about it and encourage anticipation. They are excited but daily they each struggle with missing Mama. At 4 and 6 they remember last year and Mama was a huge part of Christmas and it is hard. Grief affects even the youngest in our lives. Soooo, one day at a time, one tear at a time and one joyful moment at a time.

I wish everyone a calm day.

Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

I just want to say that there is a lot of wisdom = caring in the postings....and I get some healing and comfort with any words that are shared....sending blessings....and with the gift of Faith...and God's sweet Grace....we will carry on...

[justinlsmom]

Sandra that is exactly what is happening right now, it seems that she is turning all her hurt and anger about this situation towards me, I know she doesnt mean to be so hurtful. She doesnt do this with her dad because she wouldnt get away with it, I am a much easier target. She has said the same things as your daughter, she is now an only child, she will never be an Aunt, once we are gone she will be on her own and that her kids, when she has them years from now, will not have an uncle, she always said Justin would make the best uncle, he was fun and cool and relaxed, and he loved little children, he was always making them smile and they really enjoyed being with him,they knew he liked spending time with them . He had such a sunny, happy disposition. I get that she is scared and upset I just wish she could see she is making things much harder on herself by behaving this way. Lora, we talk about Justin all the time, we all bring him and we all share funny stories about him, I too want everybody to be comfortable about talking about Justin whereever and whenever they are reminded of him or just want to talk about him. I try to give her as much attention as I can, which can be quite trying sometimes when she is not in the mood, but I bite my tongue and smile through it. I am just not sure how much longer I can bite my tongue, sometimes I just want to scream and yell at her and tell her to smarten up, that at least she is here and she has a life to live and she is fortunate, she wants for nothing (materialistically). Its painful listening to her, I am afraid that she will always have this negative outlook on life and be miserable for the rest of hers, I am upbeat for the most part, always have been so I try and be upbeat with her and remind her of the good things but it gets exhausting when all you get is negative feedback. I am hoping this trip will help us all. As much as I am looking forward to it, I am already dreading the feeling of when I get back and walk through the door at my house and realize Justin still isnt here. I keep expecting something to change and it never does, this is such a strange feeling. Thank you and take care everyone.

[daveydow1]

Dee----Not much snow here either...at least not yet. We got about an

inch or so. Wind is kicking up and it's cold. Glad that you are now

off school for a nice rest. I imagine the kids were sooooo excited on

their last day. How I remember those days.....(long ago, but I still remember. ).

Patty----I'm sorry that your are having difficulties with your 16-yr. old

daughter. It has been so recent that you've been on this journey since

dear Justin left this world too soon. I believe that in the early days/wks/months,

that it seems everyone in the family is just trying, with so much sadness, to

find some kind of firm footing. Emotions run high at times, and along with

the 'lows', life can seem so confusing. Of course, the sorrow and pain

overshadows everything at the same time. I hope that the trip to Ireland for

the holidays will help alleviate some of the tension between you and your

daughter, and that everyone will enjoy the change of scenery along with

all the relatives. Peace and comfort to you, friend.

Sandy-----It's good that your daughter is able to express her feelings and

fears to you, rather that bottling it up. The early time on this lousy journey

we're on can be so stressful and such hard work.....especially with the

sadness that pervades your life. It's good that your daughter opens up to

you about her concerns, and keeps the lines on communication open. In

time, it will get 'softer', and you can always talk about sweet Sarah, but right

now it is very rough....I'm sorry. Thoughts & prayers.

Lora------

Wow....you've already read a book on your Kindle ! That's impressive.

Now you can go on to another good story. I do know what you mean about how

things can get pushed aside when one is into a very good book. I've had days

where there was plenty of jobs around the house to be done, and there I'd be

blissfully reading one of my favorite author's novels or a good mystery, and couldn't

seem to close the book and get to work. Oh well. . My grandies haven't

seen Misty yet. She is getting more used to our household now, but can still

tear through the house like she's 'possessed' . Typical kitten behaviour'.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Sholl1955]

Can someone please help me understand what is going on tonight. Just out of the blue, I feel like a scab has been ripped off and the wound underneath is so painful and raw. I can hardly breathe and the pain is much like the day she died. Maddie and Becca have struggled all week missing her more and I am able to give them love and attention and reassurance. But over the past hour I just dont know what is going on with me. 9 months of working through this awful journey and I don't think I should have slid back so far. Thought I had a handle on it but guess not. Have had memories pop into my head all day of her final painful days. Tonight little Maddie 6 year old was having a sad time and stated' "I wish next year on my birthday that Mama could be here. Her birthday was the 12th. I hate this.

Sandy

[shellyku]

Oh Sandy - I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I know how hard it is to have lost

your daughter, but to have her babies' sorrow to deal with must be heartbreaking. If I may,

I don't believe 9 months is very long at all...backsliding is part of this deal. As Dee points

out, even when you backslide, it means you have moved forward, and you will continue

to move forward. This time of year is so very hard so please be kind to yourself and just

feel it...it hurts so much but the feeling it is helping you through it.

I had a meltdown several weeks ago and my Sarah is gone 2 years and 4 months. She spent

her last 7 weeks at Penn and Jefferson hospitals in Philly. I started listening to music again

only 3 months ago...couldn't until then. I had my ipod on at work and the song "Streets of

Philadelphia" by Bruce Springsteen came on..."I was bruised and battered, couldn't tell what

I felt, I was unrecognizable to myself...saw my reflection in the window, didn't know my own

face, brother you gonna leave me here wastin' away on the streets of Philadelphia?"

I and my family walked those streets of Philadelphia looking for a milkshake she could take

her many pills with (she hated taking pills), or to find something she could eat that day.

I literally fell to my knees at work because it all came flooding back. I miss my girl.

I pray for your peace and comfort Sandy. It has come to me by The GRACE of God. Our

younger daughter had a baby girl in April...her name is Grace Sarah. She has brought

light into our otherwise darkened lives and it has helped greatly. I plan to let Grace know

what a wonderful auntie she had but I believe she already knows Sarah. One more quick

story: my Sarah, when she was older would pat me on my back when she hugged me. She

was the only one that ever did that. Well, about 3 weeks ago, Grace started patting me on

the back when I hold her...I believe that's Sarah's spirit.

I'm sorry this is so long. I pray you have a blessed Christmas. Shelly

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

yesterday was our Holiday Sing and party at school and then get home, change, gather our gifts for my God Children and go to my sister's home for our annual Christmas gathering. We bring the Italian Beef, sister makes lasagna and ham and tortellini, other sis brings cheesy potatoes and eclair cake, brother and wife bring sweets... we eat and laugh and watch kids open gifts. My family gave me an envelope at the end of the evening and in it, $300.00 for the ERICA fund at school. I am always so amazed at the generosity of my nieces and nephews and sisters and brother. They give even in these economic hard times and they do it twice per year, now and in July at Eri-fest.Got home about 11:30pm and when I went to bed about an hour later, I slept and slept. SO tired. I am grateful and feeling joy. My niece Kari and her daughter Alex and husband, Troy flew in from Florida yesterday to spend Christmas with the fam. So wonderful. Eri loved spending time at their home in Florida when she and I visited many years ago. She and Jonathan are blessed with so many cousins that they love through an through. They are all close.

Sandy, the hurt in your life is still fresh and those backward slides are all part of this road. Shelly reminds us that even when we fall back, we have still gone forward. The holidays are bound to bring so much up for the girls and for you and so this slide is not unusual for this new less-than-usual-life. It will get to where the slides backwards happen less often and when they do occur, they will have a shorter duration but we know that they are part and parcel to this loss. How could we not slide back now and again, even nearly ten years later we take some falls. The difference being that now we cut ourselves a break, we know its okay to fall, we know we will get back up and we won't have to start over. We are here, let the tears fall, let the armor clatter to the floor, you needn't carry it all alone.

Sherry, yep, I know that you do remember the excitement of the last day of school before a long break, it is wonderful and exhausting. Are your Grandies in school yet so that they too know this excitement? Cold here, but very little snow on the rooftops. HEy, the good news is the days will very slowly begin to get longer. My students record the sunrise and sunset all year, and now we can see that the sun will begin to stay out a minute or two longer each week. Nice.

[ericasmom]

I think that everyone is busy today, but I am here to say goodnight and sleep well. I hope that Everyone has some peace and maybe a message from their Angel tonight.

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[ericasmom]

Lora, so glad that you have a bit of time to do your last minute holiday things. You have Christmas Day off, so glad. Hang onto your hat with the wind. Enjoy Kiddo. Be well.

[Mermaid Tears]

I do believe John David is sending signs....I can't go into "all " of it now...but....I have had people..situations..circumstances...coming at me from every corner....people in need...people that need help...people that are in a "down and out" situation....right at my door step so to speak.....he knows that is what I do best...he knows his Mom would always have an answer...or avenue to know just what to do...."if you think my hands are full...you should see my heart"....Thank You John David for putting these people in front of me....keeping your little Mama busy this Christmas...I guess you and God and the Angels knew who to send them to....Blessings to all that is on this forum....and my wish for you and yours are GIFTS THAT CANNOT BE BOUGHT.....

[ericasmom]

Susan, I am very happy that you see the gifts being placed in your life and so glad that these are from your Boy. Yep, the gifts from Angels are like no others, they show that our Angels know exactly who we are in our grief and what our needs are. I look forward to hearing more about this. Thanks for sharing.

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[ericasmom]

I guess Lora, when folks say things like that,we can say in response, I wish that nobody ever has to go through a loss such as this again...Folks don't understand that sometimes what they say sounds to us like we look at our terrible loss as an event that we can get beyond, that time will erase. Of course they mostly mean well but they don't know how it tumbles around in our world, these words.

One thing I do to mark the new year that I find healing for me is to write down my worries, (long list) and take the list out on NYEve and burn the list, letting go of my worries. (symbolically anyhow).

A nap sounds like the perfect thing today and yes, that old sun feels mighty good when we don't see her that often.

Peaceful sleep tonight All.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos-----

Lora----

So good that you have a little time to get things done before Christmas.

I'm done......as ready as I'll ever be, I guess. I've been 'down'' lateley.....just the

season.,,Everyone here knows what I mean. All the holiday cheer and festivities

can be very draining and more than a bit depressing. This time of year is extra

difficult for all those who are so new to this road, and my heart goes out to each one.

Yes....the wish that people give to you, saying that they hope that next year will be

better for you, does give you reason to stop & think about it all, and sometimes just

dismiss the wish as not really possible. I know what you mean. I hope you get some good

rest over the next couple days or so. Peace & comfort, friend.

Dee----My grandies had their last day of school before the holiday break on Fri. 21st.

My daughter & husband and the boys are going out-of-state to visit family, so we

will see them after Christmas. It's pretty cold here too....also not a lot of snow, but

icy patches on the roads. We will visit my mom tomorrow & give her our present.

At her age....(93 soon)....she doesn't go anywhere for Christmas anymore. Stays home in

her nice warm house with her little dog, and naps when she pleases. She's pretty frail

anymore,and tires easily, but still keeps plugging away. Misty (kitty) has found a favored spot to rest...

in front of the woodstove (When we're using it), and on the couch otherwise.

Sandy-----Oh, I'm so very sorry that you are in that 'dark hole' place right now. The

meltdowns can come just when we are least expecting them to happen, and it is

so very sorrowful and exhausting. As others have said, the holidays can push us

on into these dark places because we miss our children so very much, and it seems

like the rest of the world is going on their merry old way with all the celebrations

and festivities etc. Hang in, Sandy, and come back here to BI because everyone

here knows, firsthand, what it's like to be going through the holidays. You are not

alone when you're here at BI. Thoughts & prayers for you.

For all our BI friends who may be away from BI or perhaps just reading occaisionally....

Wishing all... Peace and Comfort.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, Misty is a lucky little Kitty to have found a home with you and your Husband. Curled in front of the wood stove is a great spot, smart kitten. Yes, the holidays are a melancholy time for parents in grief. Even this many years later I find myself feeling blue on these last days before Christmas. I just miss Erica's presence and can't help but daydream of Christmas's past. I do become agitated by the hype and find it necessary to find my quiet within the chaos. The meaning of the holidays gets lost in the hoopla. I buy so much less at the holidays than I once did. I adopted three families this year so did do a lot of shopping for kids in that fun and hope filled way, but less scrambling for family. I get what is wanted for the most part, trying to find a little special fun gift for Husband, Son, and Daughter in Law. I look forward to the gatherings but I also look forward to the quiet afterwards.

Carol, I pray that you are finding ways to rest amid the busy times upon us. I know that this holiday season finds you missing your Sweet Husband in addition to missing Mike. May they both send you messages in silver and gold.

[shellyku]

Good Morning my friends - I'd like to take this early morning to wish each and every

one here a Christmas filled with a measure of peace, however difficult that is when

longing for our angels...hope, not only for this pain we feel in missing our angels to

ease but also that no other mother or father has to endure this loss...and love, oh love,

the healer, the very thing that keeps us alive. My love to all of you, my dear friends, at

this place of comfort, peace, hope and love. Merry Christmas! Shelly

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all of my BI family; I have not been posting...have been trying to get through these days before the holidays, and not doing very well at it. I decided to have our tree up...got to thinking about all of those memories tucked away in the boxes and just couldn't lock away 48 years of Christmas thoughts and dreams and hopes in a closet, not to see the light of day again. It took me a while to get it done, but with some help I got the tree up. Will not be putting out as much this year, mostly the tree and the lights outside, because hubby really like the outside lights, especially the ones on the porch...just a little tree with lights,and three little lit-up presents sitting beside it. He always said "Well, you've put the tree outside now, it will snow pretty soon." And it usually did. This year, we've had no snow. Last year we had one storm. When I put the tree and presents out, I mentioned this to Davis. Three days later it snowed, gently, falling onto the tree and presents, just like always. A comfort and a twist of my heart, all at the same time.

I am so sorry that many of you are having a difficult time right now...the holidays can be so painful sometimes. Knowing that our sweet child is not here on this earth to watch their face as they open something that we knew would tickle them to see. Of course, you child is with you, in everything you do...the things you see, the things you hear, the things you feel...but we miss that physical presence so much that we sometimes forget to look for them in the things that surround us...the cold air blowing on our face, the sun coming out behind a cloud, fresh flowers in a grocery store, lined up for the choosing. The last bouquet of flowers I got for my husband, while he was in the hospital, were pink and white I think they were called asian lilies. He loved them so much, and they lasted almost two weeks. When I went to get them, there was a bunch of sunflowers beside them. In the middle of one of them was a perfect heart. I knew he would prefer the pink flowers, so I just took a picture of the sunflower with the heart. He was so please to see it. I am rambling, I know. sorry for that. I should post more often, then I won't have to ramble.

My heart is with all of you here as we go through another Christmas. We tend to simplify things when we lose someone so special as our child, and this my family has done over these six years. I didn't think I could "simplify" it any more than I had, until this year. Without my husband here, it was difficult to get anything started, but we did and managed to make the tree really beautiful. I will post some pictures.

We've had more than a few signs, letting us know that both hubby and son are nearby...thankfully. Treasures, each one. Our grandson Jamie was having a particularly hard day the other day when I had to pick him up for his mom. On the way home, he started talkign about his Uncle Mike and how he wished he had lived longer so that Jamie could have gotten to know him more. As he was telling me this, we saw a red punch buggy drive by. He then mentioned his papa, and how much he regretted when he would get upset with him or speak to him in a disrespectful way. He wished he could have him back to tell him how sorry he was and how much he loved him. As he said this, I said "Jamie, you aren't going to believe what is coming up on my right side to pass us." (we were in my car, driving down the road). He looked over and saw the yellow punch buggy coming by and his jaw just fell open and he was visibly shaken. He said "Oh, nana, I hear you and mom talking about this all the time, but this is the first time I have ever felt anything like this. Both of them. Listening to me and telling me they know." Gifts. True gifts.

LORA: I do know what you mean about when people say "I hope next year is better for you." Better? Never better. Maybe softer. Maybe a little less painful. But better than before, better than when we had our baby in our life? (and for me, better than "when my soulmate was here by my side?") No, I don't think so. Not next year, or the year after, or the year after that. We will find a new way, but not a "better" one. I found it quite interesting what you said about the priest saying your Cara's name was ERICA and then having the first thing you have to send out be to Kalamazoo..yes, many of us here have long believed that our angels brought us together at a time when we truly needed each other.

DEE: I agree with Lora, it sounds as though your family gathering was just a most wonderful Christmas time together. I am glad that your family is so close and that Jonathan has so many cousins in his life. Your wishes for me to get messages in "silver and gold" are right on...I was here the other day with Damon and then took him home for supper. When I got there, I was telling Sarah about Jamie's experience with the red and yellow punch buggies. I was telling her about how we've seen many things in "twos" and it has been heartwarming. Two hearts, one inside of the other is the most frequent, but two flowers blooming, (and usually one of each "two" will be smaller than the other) and when I got home, on my desk were two silver bows, one larger than the other, side by side. When I went to the jewelry store the other day to get a bracelet that hubby and I had talked about getting this Christmas...I wasn't going to go, it would be too painful, I feared, but I went. And on the day I went, I asked did they have any dragonflies for the bracelet. She said "yes, in fact we just got them in today. It is a silver ball, with golden dragonflies around it." At the same time, there was a small silver heart next to it in the tray...it was a larger heart, with a smaller one inside of it. Twos.

SHERRY: I love the picture of your kitty sitting in front of the fire. So sweet. She sounds like just the right fit for you and your husband.

SUSAN: I too look forward to hearing more of the gifts you've been seeing. It is always good to see and then to share. We love hearing about them. (At least I hope we still do...especially after seeing all that I wrote just now about the ones I've seen lately...) :-)

SANDY: I am sorry also that you are having to deal with the sorrow of seeing your Sarah's babies missing her so much. It is hard enough to grieve your loss, but to have to see her babies in sorrow also is heartbreaking. When our son had been gone two years, his littlest one (who does not remember ever seeing his daddy, as he was only 18 months when his daddy died) was getting ready to come to his daddy's memorial birthday party, and when his mom was helping him get dressed, he said to her, "I hope my daddy is somewhere getting dressed up for his birthday party so we can see him there." It breaks your heart to see their sorrow. We had to live through that with our son's two older boys, who were 8 and 9 when their daddy died. The baby was too young to know when it happened, but the older two boys spent some serious time grieving. They are doing much better now, and carry many happy memories with them. It is good that you are trying to keep Christmas from being a sad time for the girls.

SHELLY: I love that you have beautiful Grace Sarah in your life...what a blessing for all of you. The sadness of your own daughter not being there to share is there, but the joy of that wonderful new life is a heart-softener of the best kind!

PATTY: So very sorry to hear that your daughter is having such a difficult time and seeming to take it out on you. It is a difficult road, and I hope that you are able to work out some things with her soon.

JOHN: Your song for your son Andrew is so very beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to a good place, with good people here who truly understand and will help you through this journey. Dee once said that we who have been here longer leave the footsteps for those new to this road to follow in. I agree with her. Sometimes when we think we are just going crazy, we can come on here and see that someone else is going through, doing, or feelling the very same thing, and we are reassured that we are not so crazy after all...that we are grieving.

BECKY: I am glad that you seem to have gotten someone to at least start to listen, and I think it is a good thing that you sent JD's picture so they can deal with more than just a "number or unknown someone." WhenI went around after my hubby passed, and had to do so many legal things, I brought a picture of him with me, and showed it to whoever was helping me at the time. It seemed to bring a more personal, connected response from them.

To all of the family that have gathered here, Leah, Betty, Colleen, Trudi, Susannah, Lori, Kathy (oh, that beautiful BOY!), Betsy, Rhonda, Amy, Lynn, Marcia, Bonnie, Greg, Claudia, and anyone I may have left out...my wishes for a peace-filled day over this Christmas-time, love to you all. KATE: I hope you are doing well and I am praying for you and your hubby.

Well, I am actually going to try to get a couple of hours sleep before we get started on the day's activities. Church at 4 pm, then Cathi and Jamie will come here with DAvis and me, and we will do Christmas eve here, Davis will stay here with me over the night (he usually goes to his mom's for Christmas eve, but thankfully is staying here with me this year) then go to her house in the morning for Christmas. We will all be here at my house for dinner later in the day.

I would like to post the picture of the tree we finally put up...it came out truly beautiful, jsut about the prettiest it's ever been, and I like to think it is because we have two wonderful angels surrounding it with their sweet spirits and love. We also created a wreath for both Mike and his dad, to bring to the cemetery...with the pictures of each of us with my hubby/their dad, and pictures of Mike with each of his boys, as well as some things that were special to each of them. I also did a collage of a picture of Mike's dad, with a picture of all of the grandkids with Santa...(also, notice the opening in the wreath...a true heart! <3

I wish you all a blessed Christmas, and may our sweet angels surround you with their beautiful spirit and let you know that they are with you, always.

I also am putting in a link to a beautiful song that someone had posted in remembrance of the beautiful angels and their teachers who so sadly left this earth way too soon, in Connecticut. It is a beautiful song and brought me much comfort.

It is "Once in While," by Cindy Campo:

[Mermaid Tears]

Blessings to each of you....I was raised in a small Texas town....and my family was well to do...my Grandfather was a rancher..and my Grandmother came from a very prominent ranching family on my Mother's side...and my Grandparent's on my Father's side were the Eldridge's...but I was taught by their example of giving and caring...I have many stories of my youth of how I was a part of it all....so....I have carried that forward in my life...we have 6 children..Randa, John David, Jason, Aaron, Jesse...and Jeremy was born way behind the five...when my children were in school...growing up...and they had friends or classmates..(some they barely knew)...that were "in need"....they would bring them home....I remember when John David was in high school...he told one.."Don't worry...I'll take you home to my Mama...she will know what to do"...and that was what each one of my kids would do...if someone needed either something physical...or a hot meal and encouragement or advise. I was also taught...and this was strict....not to ever..ever tell or boast about what you have done "for others"...that was very taboo....you simply keep it to yourself...so I am not going to go into detail about "what" I have done...I just wanted to set the stage. At this time of year...I have always been "doing" things....but this year...I have simply been "creating and giving" wreaths to many people that needed something bright and pretty for their Christmas....I have not been out and about...but have needed more "alone' time....for grief is such a physical thing....and also...my tears can come at the drop of a hat...so...if I have to be social...I sorta have to put on a costume and be ready for "showtime"...and that is exhausting. I own a small apartment complex here in Brenham....just 16 units. Oak Creek Apartments...(no we do not live on site)..they are always 100% occupied...I am very strict...I do all the managing...me and Daniel....I do all the renting...I even do my own make-ready jobs...for I am very anal about how I want them to be...and when a new tenant moves in...I want them to say....this is the cleanest and prettiest apartment ever. I am also what you may call a resident artist....everyone here knows me by that, also....I have many things I have created in different places here in Brenham....none for sale...I have not sold any artwork in years....it is a gift I have and I use it for different venues...I now love to paint furniture. Anyway...that is why I created the wreaths...for when I am creating..it takes the grip of grief and softens it. I have been dreading the pain I know was coming my way during the holidays....But..seven days ago....one of my tenants...who is 89...I have 3 Golden Girls living at my complex...each is sharp..active...very social....was taken to the Emergency room by ambulance early in the morning...I was called...and I went to the Emergency room to see about her....she had a kidney infection and was put on IV....then I found out her only daughter who lives in Austin ..who is very devoted to her...was very sick with the flu and could not come...so I stayed til they put her in a room...later...I visited her that night..took flowers...and then...picked her up the next day and brought her back to her apt. and ran errands and got her prescription....her daughter cannot come til she is all well the Dr. said...so...I have her to take care of....then a young 8th grader...who is very close to my grandson and daughter's family started coming to my house after school...his "Mother' has practically abandoned him and he is now living with his sister...and he "was in need"...then there is a family my daughter took some gifts to...that "needed" me...then there was another tenant that called and "needed" me....and this girl who was friends of John David in high school has reached out and "needs" me.....so....I have been "called upon"....from so many different directions...and I think John David and the angels are sending me these people and situations...for I have been so busy "doing"...that I have not been in a deep grief...wow...and will be "doing" some things today...that I had no plans for yesterday for others....but...I can hear John David saying..."it's ok...we'll take you to my Mom..she will know how to take care of it"...amazing....our son, Aaron, is a Dr. in the Navy...he is an Emergency Room Trauma Surgeon and is now in Afghanistan....he was deployed in late August...he told me..."Mom...that is where my gifts can be used...I can save those soldiers when they get blown up or shot or prevent them from losing their arm or leg"....so ....please say prayers for our troops. One of my tenants lost a beautiful 20 year old daughter last year...and 6 months later...lost her husband...I have been very attentive to her...little did I know that we would share this grief....I created the most beautiful angel wreath for her...will try to post some photos of the wreaths I have made for others.....we did decorate our tree...rather my husband did...and I have a small memory tree kind of thing for John David...I got out "some" of my Christmas stuff....not all...my daughter said it was enough. I have a poem that Jeremy wrote when he was 12 years old....I think ya'll would like it...for it fits what each of us have been sharing....with our thoughts about memories and Christmas....this is long...but I can only pray that each of you will know how deeply I care...what a blessing this forum is to me....few around me really understand...and that you find comfort with what I share....

[Vijayabanu]

Hi everyone!

I was not able to post any comments for some reason... I m trying trial and error method in the absence of my son Kiru... How's the Christmas coming along... I m dreadingnto face the new year.... Last year my sonnand myself went for a lunch... Don't know how to get thru the day... Those who can get thru Christmas.... Take one step at a time... I guess, it shd be ok, if u dont feel like decorating, celebrating... Or mini-scale the celeb if u must... For us grieving moms and dads here, getting thru the day in itself is like a celebration... Take care ...have a safe Christmas... And a Happy new year

[ericasmom]

Carol, so good to see your post on this special day. Please know that your words are like a song to many here, including me. So glad that the silver and gold were delivered and that your little guy actually felt the touch of the Angels while driving with you. All wonderful ways to affirm that our LOVED ONES ARE WITH US IN A NEW WAY. May this day and all that follow unfold with the love that is so evident within your family and circle of friends. Peace my Dear.

Trudi, Merry Christmas and may it find some magic in your home this year, causing some wonderment and joy and peace Sweetie, peace

To All- may there be some sense of peace and may the memories bring you some joy in knowing that our Angels spent a good life with us.

[johnsheppard]

hi everyone its a very hard day here for us crying most of the morning a lot of people have hung a xmas bulb on his tree which we put up on his grave dont know how to get through tommorow ill just take it as it comes i would like to wish everone a merry christmas and a happy new year and may tommorows light bring you a new day of happy memories of your love ones thankyou andrews dad john

[ericasmom]

Banu adn Mermaid Tears, how lovely to see you today, knowing that you are out there and making it through. I must have posted at the same time as you both.

Banu, do something on NEW YEARS DAY that will bring you closer to your Boy, a walk in a pretty area, something that reminds you of his sweet self. I know that you are moving forward, it is a process, and it is in that process that you will find your next steps.

Mermaid, how lovely that your family has taken on so many 'goodness- kinds- of -things' over the years and yes, I do believe that John David is sending you on 'goodness missions' to keep your heart full and on the mend. He knows as you sound to know as well, that reaching out is one way that we begin to heal because it is in those missions, that we feel our direction, that we feel our Babies and see their light. It is in all of this that we see that we are still needed here, right here where we last saw our Child. We will see them again when it is time. Keep doing the magic here that is making spirits brighter for all you put forth. Thank you for sharing.

[ericasmom]

Andrew's Dad, John, I know that the tears fall, they must, salt rivers are created in the missing of our Beloved Children. Somehow, we do make it to the next moment and the next, sometimes kicking and screaming, sometimes in a more peaceful manner but we find over time that we do find our way. The tears don't stop but will in time, lessen. The acute pain will soften so that there will be more room in your lives for the good memories, but all of this takes time. You are strong even when you don't feel that you are because anyone that greets the sun each day following the loss of a Child is indeed, strong. We are here in their light, living the best life we can in their honor.

PEACE.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sweet Dee....your words are like a healing balm on broken hearts....

[ericasmom]

Thanks for your sweet words, and your actions a balm on the hearts of those in need. I always ask Eri to help me do the best I can, to shine her light where it is needed most. I do believe John David is doing this as well.

[johnsheppard]

today as i went to the cematary a new grave was dug it is people i know from childhood today they lay their mother to rest on xmass eve my heart goes out to them i wish them the best and hope tommorow they share the good memorys of their mom not what they had to do today may gad bless them each and everyone andrews dad john

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[ericasmom]

I wish the weight of the burden of loss to lighten for you all Becky. Your poem is truly lovely and your Boy is smiling that beautiful smile on you all.

[Guest]

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[tobyfreefoot]

Wherever our loved ones are tonight may it be shiny, beautiful and bright and may their love shower down and fill us all with peace and light. wishing warmth and love to you all

[daveydow1]

Dee------Yes---I agree. Even after this many years, we still need our quiet time.

After losing a beloved child, our lives do change forever, and there's no

getting around that change. We must start anew, somehow, and it takes a

lot of changes for us to settle in to a 'new' life. As you say, we will always

miss that child/children who went before us, and left us broken-hearted.

There's no "better" year next year, just maybe a bit softer for all of us. I made

an apple pie this a.m. We then went for a short visit to my mom, then on

to the cemetery to visit the graves.....Davey's, Lisas's, and my dad's. Then we came home and I

began cooking. I have been 'blue', and thought that cooking up a storm would

help me. I made stuffed cabbage rolls, cranberry/orange relish, and a pan of

dk. chocolate fudge. My duaghter, Tammy, stopped by and we had some nice

tea, and I she ate some cabbage rolls and mashed potatoes. Now, it's just a

nice peaceful time. Just what I need. 'Misty' now sleeps on burgundy velvet ! What a

life for a cat ! I had some remnants of upholstery cover in the basement, so there

was enough to wrap some around the pillow in her cat bed. That's living in style.....

especially for a kitty.

Carol----Good to see your post. So sorry that this Christmas is a particularly

sorrowful time with the loss of your dear Ralph, and of course dear Mike.....

missing them both so much. You are right.....after these losses, we often find

the need to just 'simplify' ......many facets of our lives, in order to survive.

Sending thoughts & prayers for you and your family. Take care, friend.

Thanks for the pics.

Mermaidtears-----So nice of you to make the wreaths to give away, and those

who receive them will no doubt really appreciate getting such a lovely decoration.

Yes,.....more 'alone time' is very important for the grieving heart. Sometimes we

do tend to forget this, and may try to keep up with all that others expect of us,

but when it comes right down to it.....we have to give ourselves that time so that

we have time to reflect on our lives, and how we're doing on this journey. If we

neglect this important time, then it somehow seems to catch up with us. Please

be easy on yourself and find your rest and 'alone' time. Prayers.

Banu---Good to see your post. One step at a time is all that can be taken on the

early days on this rough road......I agree.

John-----

Sending thoughts & prayers.

Becky----Thanks for the nice poem.

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[hotrod]

Good Evening my Indigo Family

On this Once Beautiful Holiday I needed to join my Family and connect with those who understand

Sherry I do so identify with what you described as your day. Waking through the difficult times at the cemetery, remembering and then returning trying to make new memories I do enjoy the quiet time when I can reflect on my re-memories of my "Days in the Sun : with Stephen

Misty's Burgundy Velvet bed sound lovely.

Dee your words are still like balm to the soul

You are each in my thoughts and prayers

[hotrod]

Sorry Indigos i forgot to atttach this message

[ericasmom]

Betty, so good to see you tonight. I wish you a very peaceful Christmas Sweetie. I think of you often and wonder how you are getting on. My husband volunteers at the local food pantry and brings to our compost the fruits and veggies that are not good enough to pack up for those coming to the pantry, so we have the biggest happiest squirrels in town. The birds and the squirrels are active from sun-up through sun-down in our compost. I think of you and your friendly little squirrel friend. I get such a kick from watching them run and chase all day long.

Lora, I am happy to feel your peace through the screen. I hope your morning walk will be filled with signs of calm and clarity and Cara. We have no measurable snow at this time and it looks to be that we are going to miss the next chance as well. Phooey, we need some white diamonds to walk in.

Sherry, I so agree---kitty has a good life laying on her burgundy velvet bed. I am glad that you had a visit with your Girl, tea and some dinner. I know you are blue, I do so hope that the time with your Daughter was just the right medicine.

Carol, your photos were lovely, i forgot to comment. I love the tree, it is beautiful, so filled, so pretty. The collage is great and the wreath is gorgeous. I would say that you have done a great deal of decorating and all of it so meaningful. Good for you and how nice for the boys to be a part of it. Hard steps to take I would think, but you take them with such grace.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL

and to those we don't hear from often, know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

[Guest]

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[aim630]

Merry Christmas Everyone. I hope you all are able to get through the day with some peace and good memories of your angels and Christmases past.

Love to you all,

Amy/ Ashley's mom