Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sandy, It is they that aren't coping! Wow. I do try to hold my tears until I am alone, only because my husband and daughter and I all are experiencing this "walk of pain" differently. I don't want to bring them down if they are having a good day. Somedays I will having a pretty good day, and they aren't, one or the other of us will be moody and confrontational, but thankfully, not all at the same time, and we do seem to have an understanding, and have talked about it when we are all in a place where we can examine how we are coping, and how we can improve on it.

It's been fourteen months for me, and I rarely get through a day without crying. I was never one to cry easily at all, but that has sure changed. I know I did the heavy sighing for months, and physically just felt tired at the least exertion at all. That at least, has gotten better with time. Hang in there.

[shellyku]

Good Morning to All...thought I'd stop by and wish everyone here a measure of peace on this

Tuesday morning. Been busy with "things" as I'm sure all of you are but try to read every day.

On Sunday, Dec 9 candle-lighting, my husband and I took a trip to NYC. I couldn't bear to not

light a candle for our angels, so I lit ours at 7AM before we left. I was so happy to see that it was

still burning when we got home at 9PM. I'll bet it was a beautiful sight for our angels to see from

heaven, all those flickering flames.

I think of you all often, even though I haven't introduced myself the the "newbies", please know

that you are in my heart and I'm sorry for your loss. There is such a kinship on this site that I

never want to be without! Have a blessed day all! Shelly

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I am praying for you to continue to work things through as you ae with a therapist and in your heart. I am sorrry that your family cannot deal with your grief, it is their issue however, but one that makes you sad and for that I am most sorry. As I have said a thousand times here over the years, would we ever 'get-over' thier births? No. Then why would anyone expect us to get over their deaths? These are lives that ended early, they don't go away because their life did. They will always be our children, ALWAYS. That is our solace, they will always be our children, and we, their parents.

Shelly, so glad to see you today. How nice that you went to NYC. Were the lights and sounds a sweet winter scene? I am happy that you were able to light your candle, and yes, I think that our Angels were joyous at the flickering golden light shining up through the atmosphere.

[Guest]

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[justinlsmom]

Hello, I want to thank everybody on here, you guys are a god send, its bad enough going through this but knowing there are others out there dealing with the same things as you do day in and day out help, people who are further ahead in this pain share their invaluable wisdom, us newbies need this.

I have situation and I am wondering what everybodies take is on this. My son passed away on August 4th, we have a 16 year old daughter at home with us (thank goodness). We both come from large families, my husband has 3 brothers and 1 sister, I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. Since the funeral, we have seen none of my husbands family, just his 1 brother who we have always seen and supported him and his wife through her breast cancer, which she had just received the all clear!! We are going to his families for christmas on Dec 15th, I am not looking forward to only because I feel why bother, they havent had the decency to even call, text or email to see how we are doing, nor have they contacted my daughter, my daughter just flat out refuses to go, she said she would go in the morning to spend time with her grandparents but wants nothing to do with her aunts, uncles and cousins. Do you think I should make her go? We have always gone to every family get together as a family, my son never missed one, even when he was living away from home, its going to be hard for us. We are not staying for supper for 2 reasons, 1 I don't think I could handle it without Justin, he was the grandson who made every one laugh, who would spend time with the little kids, who hugged the grandparents, he made everyone feel good. He lit up the room, Second, and this is an issue for my husbands parents, before they firmed up their dates our friends got together and decided to have a friends dinner for us, our friends have been phenominal through this whole ordeal and as we will be leaving to go to ireland on Dec 25th they wont get a chance to see us over the holidays. So what do you think, should be make my daughter go and/or should we postpone our friends dinner and stay with the family (I use that word losely anymore)????for supper?

The same situation with my family, just no conflicting dates, I have barely heard from any of them, only 1 sister and 1 brother who have been a part of my grieving and only when I have contacted them. I am going for my mothers sake but once again my daughter does not want to attend this get together either, she has lots of cousins on my side and not a phone call or a text.

She wants to spend the time with her new friends (which are Justins friends) they are slightly older then her but have spent so much time with her over the last 4 months, they treat her like a little sister and she loves it. What do you think FAMILY or FRIENDS for my daughter??? Such a hard decision as going forward they are her only family besides me and her dad, no brothers, no sisters.

Thanks for the input. take care Justins Mom

[tobyfreefoot]

in a blue spot dealing with lots of issues. don't seem to have any time to read much less write. am going to post some of the memorial pics then sleep in front of the fire.

front-reflecting sunset makes it look gold!

back

me and kidsmarshall, me, logan, allison with madelyn

at night

box in back

i designed the stained glass piece that les crafted and did the back art work and all the lettering. les sandblasted it and i painted it. will write when feeling better. love to all.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have another layer that has been added to my life in this walk of grief....a few days after the Memorial...I bought every book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross....the "idea" came to me to do that...for I had read just a little of her work....for all on this forum..I cannot tell you the "small but strong" message it brought to my deep sadness....for that is the only words that even came close to what I was feeling...so deep it reached...and I was so surprised at the "real" pain...then I knew what was meant by "a Broken Heart".....it radiated through out my whole body...and yes..it brought me to my knees at times....for the first time I had to understand what "self care" really meant.....for nobody could care for me....and I didn't want them to care for me...just leave me alone...and I will heal on my own time...in my own way....and for the first time...I learned what "become selfish" meant when it came to your own survival in this foreign and strange land I found myself...for I had never lost a John David before....and I had to discover...on my own....the path.....many of you have probably found out as I have..that the loved ones around you...friends...REALLY don't know how to deal with a Mother or Father...who has lost their child...and I did not know how to relate either...so there is no "blame game" going on here.....the simple fact is....you don't know til you walk in those shoes....and no....we would not wish this on our enemy....too raw. Christmas and holidays are so very, very hard....but "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep"....our family was a daughter and 5 sons.....I am 66 years old....we have 13 GRANDchildren and a gift from God and Heaven....a baby boy....is due any day now....yes...we simply have to be grateful for our Blessings....and I would never want to be an ingrate....but I wish I could simply pole vault over this time of year....

[shorty16]

Sandy

The people you speak of have not lost a child (have they?).

My mother died of breast cancer (65 yrs old) 4 months before my son was killed in 2008.

The sorrow I felt for my mother was dwarfed as compared to the devastation Brian's death causes us.

I love my mother and certainly mourned her death, but Brian did not even get to finish High School. He died at 16 years old. How does a perfectly healthy 16 year old boy die?

What I have learned over the last 4 years is that grief will not be denied. Grief is our constant companion and needs to be heard. In the beginning - grief is heard ALOT!!

But as time goes on (a long time) we learn to "Put our grief in a box and put it on the shelf" We will come back to it.

You are not to that point yet. And that is OK.

We understand, Sandy

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Mermaid Tears]

Hello, I want to thank everybody on here, you guys are a god send, its bad enough going through this but knowing there are others out there dealing with the same things as you do day in and day out help, people who are further ahead in this pain share their invaluable wisdom, us newbies need this.

I have situation and I am wondering what everybodies take is on this. My son passed away on August 4th, we have a 16 year old daughter at home with us (thank goodness). We both come from large families, my husband has 3 brothers and 1 sister, I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. Since the funeral, we have seen none of my husbands family, just his 1 brother who we have always seen and supported him and his wife through her breast cancer, which she had just received the all clear!! We are going to his families for christmas on Dec 15th, I am not looking forward to only because I feel why bother, they havent had the decency to even call, text or email to see how we are doing, nor have they contacted my daughter, my daughter just flat out refuses to go, she said she would go in the morning to spend time with her grandparents but wants nothing to do with her aunts, uncles and cousins. Do you think I should make her go? We have always gone to every family get together as a family, my son never missed one, even when he was living away from home, its going to be hard for us. We are not staying for supper for 2 reasons, 1 I don't think I could handle it without Justin, he was the grandson who made every one laugh, who would spend time with the little kids, who hugged the grandparents, he made everyone feel good. He lit up the room, Second, and this is an issue for my husbands parents, before they firmed up their dates our friends got together and decided to have a friends dinner for us, our friends have been phenominal through this whole ordeal and as we will be leaving to go to ireland on Dec 25th they wont get a chance to see us over the holidays. So what do you think, should be make my daughter go and/or should we postpone our friends dinner and stay with the family (I use that word losely anymore)????for supper?

The same situation with my family, just no conflicting dates, I have barely heard from any of them, only 1 sister and 1 brother who have been a part of my grieving and only when I have contacted them. I am going for my mothers sake but once again my daughter does not want to attend this get together either, she has lots of cousins on my side and not a phone call or a text.

She wants to spend the time with her new friends (which are Justins friends) they are slightly older then her but have spent so much time with her over the last 4 months, they treat her like a little sister and she loves it. What do you think FAMILY or FRIENDS for my daughter??? Such a hard decision as going forward they are her only family besides me and her dad, no brothers, no sisters.

Thanks for the input. take care Justins Mom

I am new to the forum....I lost my son, John David on August 3rd...you lost your son on August 4th.....so we are "sisters" on the time line of grief....just read your post....my 2 cents...at least for this year....is....go to your friends...just have your "own" original Christmas this year....be with your daughter...for sometimes...young ones know for true "the right and the wrong" of a situation...when we get older....we try to "rise above it all" so we let people "get away" with all kinds of things that we would never allow...to keep "face and family'......and keep the peace...so to speak.....hope this helps you in some way....

[Guest]

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Edited February 26, 2017 by Guest

[hessley0503]

Hello there my friends!!! To all the newbies it brings an unfortunate welcome. Very glad you found this place though it really is a wonderful place to vent or whatever you may be feeling at the moment.

Sorry I haven't been here in a while as some of you know I began that crazy adventure of jumping feet first into college this semester and taking 5 classes at that!!! Needless to say it has kept me very busy for the past 16 weeks which to be honest was a blessing. I am not sure how I would of pulled through if I hadn't of done it. But here I am now finished this semester with my little Guardian Angel by my side the whole time and did it maintaining my 4.0 status!!! I know Rai was with me because on those darkest days it was my "Rai" of sunshine that brought the reminder of why I am doing this and the motivation to keep putting those feet in front of the other in her honor!!

We are almost 8 months into this "new normal" now and wow you guys were right this stuff is EXHAUSTING!!! We somehow managed to survive Thanksgiving without her so I know someway somehow we WILL make it through Christmas too. Just NOT really wanting to but I also know there aren't many other options if we want to keep her vivacious little spirit alive within us and live like she would want us to. So as I have done up to this point I will trudge through this new life figuring it out one second at a time.

I have seen some of you discussing what to do this year without our babies...well I say do what feels right for YOU!!! If you do what feels right for you then you won't be going wrong. And if you make plans and on that day decide you just can't do it well don't beat yourself up that's OK too!!!

I will be checking back my friend I really have missed you!!

Much love,

TracieMissing my "Rai" of sunshine

[ericasmom]

Hello Tracie,

Wow, you have taken a full load of classes and maintained a 4.0! That is amazing. AMAZING. Congrats. To have done this in the face of early grief is a bold move. I hope that you will allow yourself rest in between semesters. I know that rest probably worries you a bit, too much time to think, but with the busy season you will likely find a balance. The holidays can be very hard, but if we change them up some, we can find a balance there too. Finding what it is we want to do and how much we can do so as not to over-do, and t omake clear to others that their expectations of the holidays should not fall on those of us who have lost a child. Our expectations have changed.

Patty, at 16 it is hard to make a child do something, and one always wonders should I? In the light of this early grief, it makes sense to let your Girl make some of her decisions but with your boundaries too. Sixteen can feel grown up to some kids especially those who have gone through grief, an innocence gone in one fell swoop. So I agree to an extent, letting her not go to family events but will see Grandmom, and will attend the friend dinner with you.

Great memoir from a sister's point of view about her brothers death is Name All the Animals by Aliison Smith. I loved it, read it during that first year of loss. Read many memoirs of those who have lost a child, including Isabelle Allende' Paula, and her book ten years after losing Paula, The Sum of Our Days. Lovely and heart wrenching in a way that we really get.

[Guest]

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Jeff, Jeff, JEFF... Touch your mom today, let her know you are near!! Thinking of you, Kate! ((Hugs))

[tobyfreefoot]

JEFF JEFF JEFF

Come today and give your mother peace.

[ericasmom]

JEFF

JEFF

JEFF

Flying freely and stopping in to make contact with your Sweet Mum and Dad, with your Bro and his family, with your friends whose lives you shared. You left early Jeff, but you lived a full life, your circle made complete.

[BrendaDup59]

Jeff .....I pray you hug your mom tight today .. Kate just know I am thinking about you I hope you are taking care of yourself. Love Brenda

[daveydow1]

JEFF......JEFF....JEFF.....SAYING YOUR NAME

AND REMEMBERING YOU....AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

Kate-----Holding you close on this day. Prayers for peace & comfort.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[hessley0503]

Jeff....Jeff...Jeff!!!! Shouting your name out today remembering you sweet angel boy!! Wrap your mom and dad in your arms tightly letting them know you are there today and for ALWAYS!!!

Thinking of you today my friend. May you find strength and peace today on this Angelversary.

Much Love!!!

[hessley0503]

Dee,

Thank you!!! Yes it was definitely a challenge and a very BOLD move to take on that many classes. But I am certainly glad that I did because it helped me tremendously with keeping me busy and not entirely too much time to think. I took the right amount of time to grieve during the semester yet balanced school as well. I am trying hard to "rest" during this break but I am finding I really don't like the "rest" that is coming with it. You are right it is giving me WAY too much time to think. With trying to come up with new ways to get through this time of year without Raivyn isn't helping either. Raivyn was always the reason for putting up our tree or other little traditions that we had made. And while I know we should do it to keep her memory alive I am finding I want to do things that will still keep the memory alive but in a new way to go with this new normal. For instance, our Christmas tree this year is decorated in lime green and blue...happened to be the popular colors this year and it also is the "Donate Life" colors. Considering our sunshine was an organ donor seemed to be the only option for our theme this year and the years to come. Still have other things we will have to revamp but I know it will come to me. She will show me what I should do just like with the tree. I have to say through all this so far my favorite times are the ones where she gives me signs she is still with me. Little "Raivynisms" as we have came to call them. We can't ever get her back with us in the physical form so for that I will take any Raivynism that comes my way. Has anyone else done anything different this year yet? I would love some other ideas as I am struggling. I have never been big on wanting to do the "commercialized" Christmas stuff so I always fought that till the last minute but this year I REALLY don't want to do it. I just can't bring myself to go to the store and buy gifts for others when I can't buy her a gift. Suggestions???

[Mermaid Tears]

I am also trying to figure out this "new normal"....and I, too, keep myself very, very busy.....and I just can't get out the traditional Christmas ornaments...so...will have a new kind of tree this year....finally will go and get a live tree...took me a long time to let that happen....will decorate with my 9 year old GRANDdaughter...she and I will just make some things to put on it...as much as I would like to simply ....sit and think ....and think and sit.....I still have my grandchildren that look to "Nonnie"...that is my Grandmother name....they loved John David, also....and my daughter is having a very hard time in dealing with his passing....we are all in this together....I want to thank everyone that post what they are thinking and going through..it is a balm on my broken heart....

[ericasmom]

Tracie, I have always purchased gifts for others for the holidays, for families that cannot provide gifts...since my kids were little, and they would help me get the kid gifts. So after ERz died, I did what I always did but I added some girls on, single need gifts for girls from our local foster emergency care center and from other organizations. I had no problem entering the stores with these little children, sometimes teens in mind. the purpose was strong and Erz was always a great little shopper so with that I was fulfilling a need and it was fun all in one. That first year, the second too, I just did things more minimally when it came to must-do things. I have not had a tree except for one year, (year7) since Eri left and this is our tenth Christmas season without her. I did buy some pretty flowers and placed some evergreens in the vase with them, I put out some small decorations that I have always loved and bought an evergreen wreath for the door. I will take Eri's little tree to her gravesite on Saturday and that is it for decorations. I decorated my school display window with all of my snowpeople and winter books. I bought gifts for three families, two from the school using Erica fund money, and one family that the whole class adopted and shopped for. Makes our hearts glad, knowing that our efforts will go a long way to making some children and their Mom smile on Christmas morning. And so we go on taking our Children with us as we do, in all we do.

Love the color of your ornaments...perfect!

Mermaid Tears, I do hope that being with the Grandkids helps you to feel the real meaning of these holidays even through the great hole in your heart. I think that you are all working together in such a good way, there is nothing, NOTHING easy about traveling through grief like this. Life changed very abruptly and finding our footing is not an easy task, but somehow being around Kids helps us know better how to do so. Peace out.

[aim630]

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff-send your family a sign to let them know you are near.

Kate-Sending hugs and prayers your way.

[Mermaid Tears]

ok.....will do my best....will try to post photos of my grandchildren in creating a new kind of tree....love to all...

[ericasmom]

Mermaid Tears, Our best is all we can do, and our best changes from day to day in grief. Those around us have a hard time realizing this sometimes, that we are doing our best. Some days we have the energy of a child, while others we simply can not drum any energy from any source. It is okay to feel this way. And sit and think? I do a lot of that, as I have said before, grief has made it so that I need more time to myself alone. Much of it is while I take walks, but just need to be alone for chunks of time. Then I am more able to be present with others if I have my time.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have found that I need to shelter my alone time...and then gear myself up to go out and about....it is as if I have to say "Show Time".....and go on stage....put the smile on and talk "normal"....but 2 to 2 1/2 hours is my window of time....then have to move on....and then I have these little "meltdowns"....and just want him back...it isn't going to happen...

[Mermaid Tears]

Mermaid Tears, Our best is all we can do, and our best changes from day to day in grief. Those around us have a hard time realizing this sometimes, that we are doing our best. Some days we have the energy of a child, while others we simply can not drum any energy from any source. It is okay to feel this way. And sit and think? I do a lot of that, as I have said before, grief has made it so that I need more time to myself alone. Much of it is while I take walks, but just need to be alone for chunks of time. Then I am more able to be present with others if I have my time.

Thank You....what you say is so true...I wish others around me could understand...

[briansdad]

It seems like I can only post songs lately.There is not much I can say here that hasn't been said.Time is our only ally.That and all my friends here.

[ericasmom]

Greg, what better way to add your support and connection than through music? That was a gorgeous song, thanks for sharing.

Susan, that you can paste on that smile and face the world for 2.5 hours is a feat, not easy, be proud of your efforts. No, many around us just don't get htat. They don't want us to change, they love us the way we were, but the ways we were have changed. You will get through this, and parts of you will be who you have always been, but there are changes that cannot be helped, and so me of those are not yet evident.

[Mermaid Tears]

wow Dee....you are so right on the page....even my children have said..."Mom..please don't change".....thank you for the support and words....

[daveydow1]

Mermaidtears----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, John David.

Your grandkids will no doubt be a source of comfort for you in the

Christmas holidays and beyond. As you say.......one can only do the best

that they can. Your need to have your 'alone time' is so very

understandable....especially this soon on your journey of grieving. I

remember being the same way, and still am that way to some degree.

I've been on this road for over 9 yrs....since my son died, and many years

since my baby girl, Lisa, died. While the holidays

are particularly difficult, and all the 'firsts' that must be endured, just

try to do what you feel you are ready to do, and let the rest go by the

wayside. Peace & comfort.

Tracie----The new Christmas tree with blue & lime colors is a nice idea

for something new in the 'new normal'. I have found that for a time after

my son, David, died...I had the feeling that I could not....or should not

change things like traditions, and yet many of the old traditions caused

me more pain when I tried to do them again. I had later found that it

is ok, and many times helpful, to change things, and do things differently.

Your Raivyn will always be with you, and sending signs to let you know

she loves you. Many times these signs come when we least expect it.

Dee----Your shopping for others with children & teens helping is such a

good thing to do, and I'm sure that it is very much appreciated. Our decorations

will be kept to a minumum also. Nothing too big or elaborate. Now, with the

kitten....(she's named Misty due to her silver-gray coloring)....we must be

vigilant because she's into everything----just like a kitten. She goes to the vets

on Mon. for her checkup. I want to get her status cleared up as to age and

other stuff, since there was a mixup at the cat shelter as to which gray kitty

was which. Still not sure we got the one that matches the records. ---two

kitties looked very much alike, and the volunteers weren't quite sure.

To all parents who are approaching the 'firsts'----holidays, Angeldays,

birthdays etc. Peace and tranquility to all.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

..

[ericasmom]

Susan, I am glad that we are able to speak the feelings you are experiencing. There is a sense of relief knowing that others really do understand.

Lora, I remember the night of the six month mark of time. I was weeping and said almost the same thing...how could this much time have gone by while wondering why it felt so raw and recent, like just days had gone by. This sense or lack of sense of time is much better now but it still is at issue for me. I often recall something in the wrong time-frame, ever since Eri died time is very abstract for me.Wrap up in a blanket and hopefully some sleep, perhaps a good dream of Cara.

Sherry, maybe it is a good thing you aren't putting up a tree with that little mischievious Misty underfoot. Does she sleep near you in the night? Is she pretty social?

[Mermaid Tears]

It was six months today that Cara died. It is hard to believe in someways it has been that long and other times it feels like a life time.

When I read the obituaries and see someone my age or close to it, I always think this could be me, I wish it was me. there are some days I think how many years do I have to live like this. I imagine in time this will get better but I am sure I will never be afraid of dying. Anyone else feel this way, not suicidal, just okay with dying. Weird day for me, just tired.

Good night

I am new to the forum....but I saw your post and just want you to know how it touched me....and want you to know...you are held in my thoughts and prayers....for you are held in your love and memories...a place I cannot go....but...I am "with" you....geez....this is so hard....but....we will get through this...and when I post the same thing....I know I will hear from you.....grief is a very physical thing I find out....

[Mermaid Tears]

Mermaidtears----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, John David.

Your grandkids will no doubt be a source of comfort for you in the

Christmas holidays and beyond. As you say.......one can only do the best

that they can. Your need to have your 'alone time' is so very

understandable....especially this soon on your journey of grieving. I

remember being the same way, and still am that way to some degree.

I've been on this road for over 9 yrs....since my son died, and many years

since my baby girl, Lisa, died. While the holidays

are particularly difficult, and all the 'firsts' that must be endured, just

try to do what you feel you are ready to do, and let the rest go by the

wayside. Peace & comfort.

Tracie----The new Christmas tree with blue & lime colors is a nice idea

for something new in the 'new normal'. I have found that for a time after

my son, David, died...I had the feeling that I could not....or should not

change things like traditions, and yet many of the old traditions caused

me more pain when I tried to do them again. I had later found that it

is ok, and many times helpful, to change things, and do things differently.

Your Raivyn will always be with you, and sending signs to let you know

she loves you. Many times these signs come when we least expect it.

Dee----Your shopping for others with children & teens helping is such a

good thing to do, and I'm sure that it is very much appreciated. Our decorations

will be kept to a minumum also. Nothing too big or elaborate. Now, with the

kitten....(she's named Misty due to her silver-gray coloring)....we must be

vigilant because she's into everything----just like a kitten. She goes to the vets

on Mon. for her checkup. I want to get her status cleared up as to age and

other stuff, since there was a mixup at the cat shelter as to which gray kitty

was which. Still not sure we got the one that matches the records. ---two

kitties looked very much alike, and the volunteers weren't quite sure.

To all parents who are approaching the 'firsts'----holidays, Angeldays,

birthdays etc. Peace and tranquility to all.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

thank you so much for your words and caring.....

[GriefandSympathy]

The holidays are one of the most difficult times for families who have lost a beloved child. It's difficult to decide what to do. Whether to keep to the old traditions which can be painful, or move on. One of the most positive things I think is to try and make it a celebration of the loved one's life, and raise a glass to them at this time. Treasure the memories of Christmases past and those times spent together and be thankful for them.

My mother has some positive ideas about how to cope with these occasions - I hope they will be of some comfort and help:

http://www.griefandsympathy.com/griefandtheholidays.html

[Mermaid Tears]

They say

I must release you

Some days

I do know how.

Other days

I take it back

To fight

The fight unfair.

[shorty16]

I am sickened by the loss of innocent life in Conneticut.

18 children killed by someone who did not value human life.

So close to Christmas.

My heart breaks for them.

Brian, you have a big job today - You are on the welcoming committee in heaven.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[tobyfreefoot]

lora-i have been ok with dying, as in not afraid, since my best friend died when i was 19. i figured if he could do it so could i. it must not be that scary.

i remember the 6 mo. mark. my heart goes out to you. it was a hard day for me. i tried to take off work but my boss wouldn't let me. he had no children. i remember that feeling of it has been a million years and it was yesterday. i still have that.

also i'm ok with dying because being here is hard now. even if there is no afterlife i will get to lay in the ground next to my son. that sounds restful and like heaven itself. i like to lay right on top or next to his grave now. i know how close he is coz when my granddaughter was born i went to tell him he was an uncle at midnight in the pouring rain. the grave had not been filled properly and i was on my knees in mud reaching shoulder deep into a sink hole pulling out mementos we had left when i realized i was clawing at the vault. at the time it was terrible but now it is kind of comforting to know how close he is. morbid? i don't think so because of course he is my son. one of the worst things i find is the prospect of so many years ahead of me. i am 56. i know i need to be here for my other children but it will be such a relief. i love being a mom. it is the only thing i was ever good at. now it seems motherlove has completely broken my heart and at the same time gives me my only reason to live. i really am amazed by those here that lost their only child. i can't imagine how hard they have to work to find joy in life. i feel like all my joy now will never be as bright for there is part of my heart that can't feel it anymore. my aunt was 82 when my 55 year old cousin died of breast cancer. i always think how lucky she is that she isn't going to have to live for decades this way.

one of the worst parts for me is sudden flashes of "forest is dead" or that officer saying "no ma'am he didn't make it" or of telling my other children and it feels like a shock and causes me to yell "NO!" out loud and many days i still can't believe it is true. and i just want him back. all those years ahead of us...

[tobyfreefoot]

oh my gosh i just heard the news. how can this be happening? colleen may forest join brian in welcoming these young souls

[daveydow1]

Prayers for all the families affected by the horrific tragedy at the school

shooting in Connecticut. My heart goes out to those poor parents and

families who have lost their precious children in this senseless, evil act

of violence. So very sad.

Dee------Yes---"Misty" is a very sociable kitten....that's one thing that

endeared me to her at the animal shelter...causing me to pick her for

my pet. She will lie on the couch with us, and loves being on one of

the soft throws. At night.....she has to be shut in the small laundry

room because she just tears through the house if left loose. (she had

us up at 2:30 a.m. the other night when we experimented with letting

her have the run of the house. There are too many things she can get

into. She was tearing around the house playing her 'kitty games', I guess...

meowing etc. She can leap at amazing heights....(we had forgotten how

kittens are so very agile). We had to then confine her back to the laundry

room where she has a nice bed.....food dish/water, and litter box. Had to

say "sorry kitty"!

Lora-----

The 6 mo. mark that you are at right now is very very painful. I

so, remember that point so well. Almost like being in a netherworld or

something that seems unreal, yet our mind and heart knows the way it

is. I pray that you can somehow find some comfort...It's not easy....I know.

Wishing you peace today, and in the upcoming holidays which will soon

be here. Do whatever you feel you can, and let the rest go, Lora. It's just

too overwhelming to try to do everything that might have been done in

the past before your sweet Cara went to heaven. Peace to you, friend.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Gretchen------So sorry you are having a rough time. You mentioned

when the officer told you that Forest didn't make it, and what a

terrible shock it was to hear those dreaded words. I, too, remember

getting those same words from the police, and there are absolutely

no words to describe the horror that a parent feels at that tragic

news. I know that Forest is always near you, and I hope you get some

nice signs from him and his love will surround you & comfort you.

It is so hard to think of going on without your beloved child.....I'm sorry

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Beautiful, & so very true.

They say

I must release you

Some days

I do know how.

Other days

I take it back

To fight

The fight unfair.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I too, am sickened over the loss of lives in Connecticut today. What a horrible situation. 20 children, most of them in Kindergarten, and six adults including the shooter and his mother. All hasn't been revealed about the shooter yet, so I will hold judgement, as they are saying he had mental issues; although the guns used were registered in his mother's name, who he also shot and killed. Just makes me feel sick, knowing what those poor families face, and right here at Christmas time too.

Colleen,

I know my angel Jared, (JD) will be right there with your Brian to welcome those young souls into heaven. Jared so loved his nieces and would read to them when they came here and taught them how to swim and they loved to watch him skateboard in the driveway.

[ericasmom]

I have been weeping for the better part of the afternoon, I just don't get it. How could 5 year olds be your friggin target? How, why? How will the children who walked away from this and their families approach December from here on out? How can we better help those mentally ill in this world, to find ways for a peaceful existence and means to getting help when it is warrented? I just don't know but I know that our Angels are grabbing the hands of those little ones and guiding them to their new home so suddenly found.

More later, just so sad now

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Dee, ((hugs)) you are the first person I thought of when the news broke. I know this is way too close to home given your job with third graders. My husband is an elementary school counselor, and works with that age group too. Just horrifying. How on earth will those little children that survived even handle going back into a classroom with that many faces gone? God only knows what they witnessed. They are ALL victims now.

I don't understand why the shooter's mother had bought and registered weapons, & how her son gained access to them?? So much unknown at this point. God Bless the parents, all those touched by the loss of those precious babies and staff members,...

I have been weeping for the better part of the afternoon, I just don't get it. How could 5 year olds be your friggin target? How, why? How will the children who walked away from this and their families approach December from here on out? How can we better help those mentally ill in this world, to find ways for a peaceful existence and means to getting help when it is warrented? I just don't know but I know that our Angels are grabbing the hands of those little ones and guiding them to their new home so suddenly found.

More later, just so sad now

[hotrod]

Hi My Indigo Family

I too am so saddened by the terrible tragedy in Connecticut and needed to come here to connect with others who know all to well the dreadful loss of a precious child.

Dee, Sherry, Kate,Gretchen Colleen, Becky, Karen, Carol, Mermaids Tears, Lora, Leah and all other Indigos thank you for being here and keeping this such a safe nourishing place.

[hotrod]

Hi My Indigo Family

I too am so saddened by the terrible tragedy in Connecticut and needed to come here to connect with others who know all to well the dreadful loss of a precious child.

Dee, Sherry, Kate,Gretchen Colleen, Becky, Karen, Carol, Mermaids Tears, Lora, Leah and all other Indigos thank you for being here and keeping this such a safe nourishing place.

[Guest]

.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Jared, my angel, and all our angels represented here,

I know you will take these little ones by the hand and show them around their new home...