Loss of an Adult Child

[aim630]

Katie's just been rushed to the ER after drinking too much. She is 3 hrs away and the hospital will tell us nothing due to HIPAA laws. Her friend said she will be ok, but I didn't even know she drank. We are going there now. Please pray she will be ok, and this is just something she learns a lesson from.I can't go through this again.

[aim630]

Triple post

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[ericasmom]

Amy, I am holding your hopes and prayers alongside mine. I know what your heart is doing right now, so just get there safely and hold her close when you see her. I think that she will have learned a huge lesson in this and prayers for complete recovery.

Patti, forgive me for not knowing, what do you mean first night alone? How do we do this is a good question, and as you go along, even when you don't want to, you will find How to do this. I pray for you to have a sign or moment of Justin that gives you a bit of light.

[aim630]

Thanks, Katie is fine. She really didn't even drink very much, but she had taken cold medicine, and that intensifies the effects of the alcohol. She is almost 20, so it's not like I didn't expect her to experiment, just not to the point she had to be taken t the hospital. I told her she should not be drinking at all at her age, nd she should NEVER mix alcohol with any kind of medication. She is lucky she is ok. I think she learned from this. She said she just wanted to have fun. I know it's hard on a college campus, because there is underage drinking everywhere, but I think she knows how much she scared me.

She misses her big sister so much, and said she doesn't want to talk to us about her, because she would make us sad. I told her she can always talk to us, and suggested counseling.

Well after 6 hrs of driving, and no sleep, we just got back home. I will try to catch up with everyone later.

Sorry for the triple post earlier, but I couldn't figure out how to get rid of the extra ones.

[ericasmom]

I am so pleased that Katie is fine Amy. So nice of you to let us all know so quickly. Yep, the mix is a dangerous one. My Girl Eri, went to the hospital at age 15 for drinking too much. I was flabbergasted and sad by it, she was 15 for heaven's sake.

I would say that everyone on a college campus has had drinks and some more than others of course. I knew that Eri was smoking pot, which I consider less worrisome than alcohol, though I know it is a lot stronger than the pot of the old days, (1970's).

Katie doesn't want to talk with you about Ashley's death because she is afraid of making you too sad, I think Jon felt that way too though he in general did not want to talk about it. It took several years before he was able to bring her name to the table. I told Jon that his talking about Eri won't make me sad, instead it will make me happy to hear her name from his voice but also to share in the memory, even if it is a tearful sharing, would be good. Katie is at that hard age of not wanting to speak to therapists-wanting to be independent for all thingsbut maybe this will open up a dialogue about her sister with you. I am so glad that she is okay and that you can rest for a bit now.

[ericasmom]

I've not heard back from Kate so far...

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[daveydow1]

Lora----Your kitties sound so nice. We had a Maine Coon-type (although she

had medium, not long, hair). she was called Brownie, and we had her from

a small kitten until she turned 15. She got sick,and had to be put to sleep

due to a lg. internal cancer. That was over a year ago, and I've just lately

wanted another cat. The new one is gray....about a little over 1 yr. old. She

is beginning to settle down a bit from bringing her home from the cat shelter.

Kitties have such a calming effect, don't they?

Dee----I do remember that you said you had two cats....Stormy & Bullet.

Also, that you had the vet come to your home when the time came that

they had to be put to sleep. Yes...as Lora said.....these dear pets do bring

back such bittersweet memories.....especially when our beloved children

were here with us, and that they played with,named, and loved these pets.

Amy----So glad that your Katie is OK now. Thoughts & prayers.

Patti----So sorry that you are in that dark place right now. May your memories

of dear Justin, and all the love you shared, bring a warmth to your heart.

Peace & comfort.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,

Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, Brownie had a fine life with you and this kitty will as well. Does he go outside or is he de-clawed? Any signs of snow? Minnesota is getting about a foot I hear, and maybe Wisconsin will see some, Colleen? Any yet? Lora, it is rainy here too, just not quite to the temperatures we would need to have snow. I do so want snow, want to think that winters will be normal again, but I know that we have to really start repairing the environment if that is to happen again. Heck, the city planners for Chicago won't plant certain trees anymore knowing that our climate is changing. Scary but it is not too late to make changes, we must. Listening to music and talking to you all here, might watch a movie soon. If not soon then never as I fall asleep when I sit too long. Have a good night with nice dreams.

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

This is my tree, I just put it up today, and it has all the pictures of Jared that I printed last year, this time. Wow I don't even remember printing so many! Autopilot was what I was on.

Yes, Carol, that was me with the neck surgery in June, had a vertebrae and two disks removed, and the cage thing put in. I don't have the neck pain anymore, but hand and arm still partially numb on right side. May have to undergo another surgery on my elbow. Oh joy... Thanks for asking!

Trying to get everything lined up for new administration in Pop Warner, and this week there were a couple of people involved that really plucked my nerves, and made me realize I was doing the right thing to move on. I am not about drama.

Amy, I am so glad Katie is alright. God, that is so scary. I hope she did learn a lesson that she won't soon forget. ((Hugs))

I read everyday, but don't always feel up to posting, but I am so thankful to have all of you to reach out to!

[ericasmom]

Watched a movie, very touching and well done: The Soloist. Now must go downstairs and watch the start of SNL to see Cecily, Eri's good buddy. She is the gorgeous one with long black hair. New member to the cast. I cry everytime I see her on TV as I watched her grow up alongside ERz.

Love to all.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I haven't posted in a few weeks but i do stop by and read. to our new mom's and dad/s of angels, i am so sorry for the reason you are here. the loss of your beautiful child or children. I have found that while i may visit this page of compassion, and not always post, i gain a sense of being grounded. there sure are some tough days. My handsome son Rich left his earthly home 4 years ago this January 18. there still are days that the tears flow and i call his name, feeling the fool at times, as i continue on and try to carry on in a way that he would have liked. i hear the memory of his voice, such wisdom for his age, and his youthfulness that tends to cut through the BS of daily life, and i keep going.

after a particularly hard time yesterday i went out to do some shopping. My list of those to buy for has become very short. my daughter, Sarah. as i walk the isles in the stores the memories of Rich,mom,dad,sister, lost relationships echo in my mind. i am reminded of what I may have presented to them at Christmas, what each and everyone would have liked, melancholy as this is, there are times that the memory, the delight of a much wanted gift,or the warmth of family, smiles, shines through.

Reading of pets,i think Lora mentioned a cat with a short tail. this took me back to my elementary school days when we moved into a new home and our cat was waiting for us. she was a calico,and as my mother called her, a bobbed tailed cat. she was always 'mother cat" to us and she lived many years.

Becky, football is big in my new town. the "Friday night lights' i can see from the deck. i sit and listen to the distant drumming as the marching band plays and again, travel down memory lane to a time when Sarah marched in the band and Rich played on the field. i don't visit that memory for long. they were some of the best times but the hurt I feel, the sadness at times, makes me turn and close the door.

Dee, I've been reading of your visits to the city, your time spent with family and the festivities at school. You certainly are busy! i also know you the quiet moments spent on walks with Erica ever present at your side.

yesterday, at the hallmark store, ( no wrapping paper for Christmas:-0 ) I came upon a Willow Tree angel of comfort. this is my son and his dog, Cole. They are with us.

and i do watch SNL sometimes. thanks for pointing out Erica’s friend. i knew she was there but didn't know exactly which member she is.

Sherry, i believe the cat you lost recently was Davies? the new addition to your family will no doubt bring some laughs and though not Davies cat, a new comfort in a small way.

Betty, Carol, Karen, Amy!, so glad that Katie is ok. Thinking of you all.

I am working this evening so i ask that someone light a candle for Rich and say his name out-loud! thanks.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I will indeed light a candle and say "RICH" aloud to the night sky. As 'They' twinkle on us, we shall shine up toward 'Them', with hopes that we fill our Angels with absolute joy.

Be well Betsy, so good to see you this day.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

We will be lighting a candle tonight for all our indigo angels.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Jared's Santa hat, that he would be running around the house wearing at this time of year... don't know what happened to the pom pom on the end.

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Lit at 7pm Eastern Time.

[ericasmom]

I will light mine in a half hour, and join the shining all over the world. May our Babies see us smiling up at them, through our tears, through our stories, and always with our hearts.

Lora, the cemetery that Erz is buried is closed by 4:00 during the winter and 7:00 in the summer. It makes me sad that I can rarely go in the winter. Have to wait till weekends.

[Peanuts mom]

Lora,

May I ask how you get the lights to light at the cemetary... I have placed some at my Peanuts resting place, but the battery is always gone when I return...

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[mysonrich]

Thank you

[BrendaDup59]

I just wanted to post a photo my DiL Traci posted of them, while it is such a beautiful picture Brian is such a huge MISSING part, I just love them so much and miss Brian more everyday.

[mikesmomrs]

coming on to say hello to all and make the connection on this Worldwide Candle Lighting day/night. BETSY: So good to see your post and your sweet smiling boy. I have spoken aloud the name of your precious son, RICH, as the candle glow pierces the cold air in the night, sending our love and gratitude to those who are gone before us, paving the way, and waiting for us to be together again. I love that you found the figure that so reminded you of your boy and his dog. AMY; I am so very glad that Katie is okay. I can't imagine the feelings that must have held you in their grip as you traveled to see her. BECKY: So beautiful, your tributes. Thank you so much. Just as JD is a wonderful son, he has a wonderful mom...so giving and thoughtful. DEE: I do like Lora's suggestion to you for something to share just between you and Eri. Such a sweet idea. We haven't taken our wreath up to the cemetery yet; it is not finished. We of course had to get a larger one this year, as we will not only be putting pics on for Mike, and some of the items representing things he liked, but now will need to put pics on for his dad, and some things that he liked as well. It has been hanging on the railing on the front porch, and when Cathi came over the other night, I took it off to show it to her. She looked at me with a very strange look and said "Mom, it's a heart! How did you do that?" Sure enough, it is a heart shape. It is a large wreath and thus heavy, so the bottom has kind of weighed it down in the middle across the bottom part, and a few branches have fallen down at the top of the open circle part, to form the top shape of the heart. This is exactly what happened to the very first wreath we put up for Mike. I will take a picture of it when we finish with it. Cathi and Jamie are coming over tomorrow night to help us put it together. Kameron (Mike's middle son) came over on Friday night and early Saturday, he helped me put the tree together, but had to leave for home before we got to put anything on it, so we hope to finish it up tomorrow night with Jame and Cathi. For some weird reason, I can't get my keyboard to insert a new line (I am working from a laptop, which I am taking back next week cause I really don't like working with it), so this post will look kind of strange, as in "running together." LORA: We do have a solar light up at the cemetery that works quite well...but I like your idea of the snowflakes as it seems more festive. I know that "festive" is not a word generally used in reference to a cemetery, but our children (and my hubby) deserve to have that word used, I think. So, "festive" we shall be and get some new lights up there. We too are not allowed in the cemetery after dusk, and I think that it is as Lora has said and it refers more to kids being in there and possibly causing damage. Today was a day when they were dedicating the mass to hubby, and I forgot to tell the kids about it, so I wound up at mass by myself and of course, tears fell each time they mentioned his name. Davis usually comes to church with me now, but today he was really tired as he had worked a double shift the night before and hasn't been feeling well, so I was alone. Church can be a HUGE reminder of my husband no longer being here, because we always stood close and at a few points during the service, would usually hold hands. I can't even allow myself yet to look to my right when I am there alone, so profound is the sense of his absence. I had to go to a gathering today that I really did not feel up to going to, but did. On the way, I called Cathi and told her how I was feeling, but that I was going to go and give it my all. Just after I hung up, I pulled into the parking lot and right up the front was a yellow punch buggy. hmmmm....when I went to order, I was going to order scallops but they were far too expensive, so I quickly said "haddock nuggets" but didn't know why, because I never order them. However, hubby very often did, before he lost all of his appetite. j When they brought it to me, right on top, was one of them in the perfect shape of a heart. I guess hubby was telling me he was proud of me for trying. TO ALL: I hold each one of you and your beautiful children close in my heart always, and as always in my prayers as well. Thi is a painful journey we are all on, but because of our association with each other, we are able to have a little bit of lightness to the steps we take together as we move forward in our lives, as our children want us to do.

[mikesmomrs]

BRENDA: Just awesome picture, beautiful children. thank you for sharing such wonders.

[ericasmom]

Lovely thought Lora, I do stand in the yard in the last footfalls I last saw Eri in, and I stand there several nights or mornings after a walk and talk to her there. From that spot int he yard, a solar light blinks on and off, as though it will soon be dark, but it has been doing that since ERI-fest in April. Just that one. So I do think it is Erz shining her light, helping me see her light and reminding me to shine it back to her. Thanks. I do have several things that are just she and I. I am grateful for them each.

Carol, our cemetery has giant iron gates that lock out anyone and everyone at dusk. I am glad that you went to the gathering today and found evidence of Mike. The church service must have been very emotional-holding Mike's hand in church, now you can hold your other hand and remember the warmth. I hold my other hand while falling asleep, helping me remember the feel of ERi's hand in mine.

Brenda, a wonderful photo. That little Jaci has her Momma's eyes. What a lovely group.

Thanks Becky for the photos.

I went for a 15 minute walk at 7:00 tonight, just after I lit the candles. I needed to walk and cry, and talk to Eri and the others. I spoke the names of all I know and remember and I said RICH out loud so that he heard from several folks and knew his Momma sent in reserves. Blessings to you all, and as Carol said, we are here to help each other take those steps forward.

[BrendaDup59]

Thank you for your kind compliments , I did get my candle lit for Brian , I have tried twice today to get lights outside and both times as we got started it rained, then I was laying on my bed crying missing him so much and all the sudden I smelled cig..smell my door was close and no windows were open, so I know he came to comfort me. I have not had a sign in a long time. I really needed it tonight .

[briansdad]

Here is my picture from last nights worldwide candle lighting.

[Mermaid Tears]

not sure how to post something..am new here...

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[BrendaDup59]

Hi, thanks so much Lora and Dee, yes there is such a big hole and I am finding it harder as the days get closer , I just try and put it out of my mind. I am almost done with the decorating hopefull this week I can finish and I will post pics . I had such a bad migraine yesterday and it is now coming back today,I did have a doctors apt and she wants to do another MRI on my neck she thinks it might be causing my headachs to get worse. I don't think so but I am in pain with my neck and arm. I also told her of 5 instances where ...well it's really hard to describe but I feel a disconnect for a few secomds I alomost feel a little dizzy but nothing is moving it only last a couple of seconds but is a little scary when it happens. when I mentioned it she didn't seem worried but if they keep up I will ask them again. I kinda feel like it's a warning sing of a stroke? I sure hope not. all I know is it is such a weird feeling .. well Traci is going to get help for Jordan , she called her doctor today ... I dont remember if I told you all what he said before , that he was getting a motorcycle when he grows up so he could go be with his dad, then yesterday he ask Traci if everyone went to heaven ? as she started to answer him Jayden spoke up and said he told her he was going to jump out the window! so she tried to tel him he had to grow up and get old and be a good person , what do you tell a 5 year old who is so crushed he lost his daddy? I worry so much about him. Jordan is the one in the front of the picture with Joe who has dark hair. ,Jordan is so much like his daddy . Please keep him in your prayers . well my head is really hurting so I am going to close I will TTYL

[ericasmom]

Brenda, some of what your little guys is saying is what happens to little ones who have anger and lots of unanswered questions. He needs help. The ssocail worker should be contacted immediately, not to scare you and your DIL, but to get him appropriate help right away. The school should have a social worker that can advise or see him. Most towns have a place with a sliding scale for therapy. This little guy needs some help, needs to find help with tools in which to use when he is so sad. WIthout those tools he is left to fantasy about when he sees dad again, and his statements, while young, are also disturbing and frightening. Some may say he is trying to get a reaction, but nevertheless, that reaction needs to be in the form of help. Please ask your DIL if you can call his teacher or the social worker at the school and discuss this.

[ericasmom]

Sorry Bren, I did not read your whole post before I reacted, now I see that your DIL called the doctor. If the doctor does not make a referral, remind him/her that it is their job to do so.

The dizzy might be from that sinus issue you have recetnly had and with all the pressure and upset, a bit of panic in there?

[ericasmom]

Mermaid tears, you are at the right place, please tell us about your Boy. I am sorry that you need to find this place, but this is a good place to be under the circumstances.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Just write whatever is on your heart and mind, and we'll be here to listen.

not sure how to post something..am new here...

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[Mermaid Tears]

My son, John David, died on August 3, 2012....he was 42 years old....his birthday was March 10, 1970.....I have been reading posts for some time..and thought it would be good for me to be able to share with others that find themselves in the strange land....for I have never lost a John David before....I have discovered....that no matter how "old" the child is...the parent suffers the "loss of a child"....and no matter how hard you may think it will be....it is harder than you can ever imagine...

[ericasmom]

Mermaid Tears, Susan, I am so sorry that you lost your Boy. And man, you said the whole truth, that no matter how hard you know it is going to be, it is so much more so. It is good though that you are here and letting others know about your Son. We are the folks that really get it, others will try to be supportive but may not know how to be, or may think that not talking about John David will be best. You may feel like many of us here that talking about your Son, his life, his habits and joys, are what will help you in the short and long term. I am ten years out come this July. I talk of Erica in some way each day and I talk to her each day, out loud. Generally I am by myself when I do, but you know, when I am moved to acknowledge something to her, I will. Eri was 19 when she was killed in Kalamazoo, Michigan. An Amtrak from her home city, Chicago, hit her car at a broken crossing. Reported broken on paper for 11 months in a row but only called in once. ANyhow, Eri lived for 6 days afterwards, though never awake. Her life is always going to be a big part of my life, just as John's life will always be a huge part of yours.

Tell us more when you are able and know that in the middle of the night, you can come here and let your ache cross the screen, someone will reply at some point within the next few hours if not sooner. My name is Dee, don't worry though about remembering our names, eventually you will see our names and our Children's photos and the connections will be made.

Hang on Susan.

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[Mermaid Tears]

is this the way to reply....?? So many that are in this forum....have that deep...so very deep sadness....and all around me...I hear my children...who are all adults now....and even my friends...and even people that don't know me that well say..."Please don't change".....well....I don't believe the core of me will ever change...but...of course...this does change me...and I see in a different way...I even think in a different way....I even live now in a different way.....there is something so profound...that is not held up to the light of day....and now I have to find my footing on this foreign path....and it is one day at a time...one step at a time.....I find that I cannot be in a social setting for more than 2 to 2 1/2 hours...then...I have to move on...for I know I am going to have a melt down....I am only good for that amount of time.....and when I am "out and about"....I have to measure my words....for I can start sobbing at a mere word....and something will "catch me"....and I have to hold on so tight...

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you so much....each of you that have reached out with your... words....caring...compassion...mercy.....

[BrendaDup59]

I know I need to turn Brian's Face book page in to a memorialized page but I am really having a hard time, I worry someone will report him being gone but worried if I mess with it I might be sorry but I think I will be really sorry /devasted if it disappears .. does anyone know who has to do this ? wouldn't my DIL Traci have to since they were married? I know people talked about this before but I cant find it.. Thanks Brenda

Susan, my son was 32 when I lost him in March .. so sorry you have to be here but you couldn't be in a better place, you have a handsome son there . Hugs Brenda

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[BrendaDup59]

Brenda, I think only family can have your son's account deleted. Here is a link to send in to memorilize an account but I strongly suggest that you talk to Traci because this will change a few things. Someone did it to Cara's site and anyone can do it, I was not happy in the beginning because to me this should be family only to do this but I am glad that no one not even me, can get into her account. I would not want to change anything on it because it would not be her account then.

http://www.facebook....305593649477238

Susan, I think everyone changes when they lose a child. I know I will never be the same, not in a bad way but never the same. Coming on here and talking about your son will help you a lot. It has me, I will talk about Cara to whoever will listen. Take care.

Lora , what kind of changes happen.. we sent out a private message to his friends that we are going to do this and if they want on it they need to do it. I wonder what happens to people who have you blocked , like my son Brett and Sarah does that effect it once we do this on his page? I just wondered.. I just don't want someone vendicitive to report it and I wake up one day and it's gone. I just don't think I can handle that. and I too have changed since I lost Brian.. much easier now to not take other s lack for a better word Crap .. I always had a fear I would lose Brett and my grand kids well it really happened a long time ago I just didn't want to except it.but since I got a lot off my chest to Sarah I am at peace .. I am OK .. sad I may never have a realationship with Brett but that is his choice . I love him and always will .. hope you have a good nght . Brenda

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[ericasmom]

I never did have a facebook account and Eri died in 2003 so she did not either. Brenda, good luck on getting his page to be where you need it. Lora, so nice that you attached links to find out how to do that. You are far more tech savvy than I.

I am so tired, going to bed but want to wish you all a good sleep if that is possible.

Susan, you just keep on coming here and voicing your ache and your discoveries. Yes, I have always believed that my core self is still who I am, but there are of course changes, some are subtle, some are not. I have less tolerance for some things and need more time to myself than even before. I am very social, teach third grade, so always busy, but I require more time for quiet now. Granted, I am 56 and Erz died when I was 47, so in addition to the changes that occur when we suffer such a great loss, I have also aged and gone through menopause. So I have changed but the main part of me is still recognizable to ME, to some others, maybe not as much. And as I have always said, sometimes we have to let the unease others feel with our changes to be their issue. We cannot take that on too. They have to adjust this time, or in some cases, they need to move on. We cannot pretend that we have not changed in order to preserve their sense of us.

[Mermaid Tears]

had to go and "create"....will explain later....gee....thanks to all of you that reached out to me....gotta go now...more later...but I guess each of you know...there is always...more later....

[Sholl1955]

Well, I am learning that there are many things that happen in life that we never ever expect to happen. The first and greatest heartbreak was losing my Sarah. That forever changed me as it has everyone on this site who have lost a child. My daughter and my son in law and Sarahs husband believe I should be over this after 9 months. Or at least different than I am now. I have always had to be strong and still am but I cry easy now which I did not before. My daughter and both son in laws believe that the tears mean I am not coping with my loss and are angry with me. However it is the opposite, i am working with a counselor on a weekly basis and working hard to trudge through this grief process. I apologize for whining but I am unable to sleep and thought sharing this with those who understand may help. I love my family so much, guess that is why this hurts so much. It is affecting my health so I need to make some more changes. Life sometimes is so difficult.

Sandy