Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

LISA: SWEET BABY GIRL, FULL OF LOVE AND GRACE...surround your precious momma and brush her cheek with your angel spirit, Sherry---thinking of you and sending love and strength.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa!! My heart to you Sherry!

[aim630]

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa-Sweet baby, surround your family with love.

Sherry-sorry I missed the actual day yesterday, but sending hugs your way...

[mysonrich]

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, the love that surrounds your mamas heart. Sherry, sorry I missed Lisa's angelversary With a hope and a prayer that the day was kind to you all.

[Guest]

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[shorty16]

Hello my friends.

I wanted to make sure all of you are aware of the Bereaved Parents "World Wide Candle Lighting" taking place on Dec 9th, 2012 at 7pm in whatever time zone you are in.

My family has participated in this event for 4 years now.

For a 24hour period, candles are being lit at 7pm by bereaved parents and their friends. This happens over the entire planet!!!

I think this whole thing is really cool.

I will light my little corner of the world for my Brian and for all of our children who were taken too soon.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[sabine]

I am new here and like all of us, wish I would not need this . but here I am , after my only child, my son Dominic , 30 years old, was killed on july 12,12. he was working for 911 dispatch in riverside and was on his way to work, riding his motorcycle. At 5:45 am a truck with a illegal, non licensed, no insurance,2 x DUI convicted man, turned into a street in front of my son and the head on collision killed Dominic instantly. When I received that dreadful, earthshattering call, my life changed forever and I will never be the same. of course my first thought was....no way that can be and then I was trying to find a way to end my life. my sweet boyfriend however made sure I didn't get a chance to do that. Now 4 month later I a glad I didn't get a chance to end my life and looking for ways to get used to a "new normal". Dominic and I had a truly awesome relationship from the time he was born. We were best of friends, hung out and went on awesome vacations together. We both had motorcycles and enjoyed rides together. When I divorced his dad 9 years ago, we became roommates and got along great and many people always commented on how strong our bond was. He made a lot of friends who now look after me. I am hurting so deeply and miss him so much and everywhere I go, inside the house or driving around the city, I am constantly reminded of him. He was very active in our city and known by so many. I have a great support system and feel so blessed, but there are times I just don't know how to go on. Being here will help me get through it. Thanks for reading and now being part of my sad world

[ericasmom]

Sabine, I am so sorry for your deep ache in your loss of Dominic. IT sounds as though you both share a great deal of love and one thing I know from being on this road so long is that that love remains. It does not lessen in time, it stays strong and constant. Dominic will love you for all of time and you him but I know that that does not help with the lonely feelings that surround our losses. Being here will help, you are right, and some of us also went for some private hep with a therapist. I lost my Girl in July of 2003. she was 19, lived for 6 days after an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I live just outside Chicago, she and her big Brother lived there going to school. There is no bigger ache than this Sabine, allowing yourself time to mourn is important and allowing your moods to change as they do is also important. We cannot rush this adjustment. We are here, all of us listening and sending love and hope. I am so glad that you have a strong support system.

[sabine]

thank you Dee....it is comforting to connect with other who KNOW what I feel. I am having some rough days and will post more later, but wanted to thank you for the kind words

[BrendaDup59]

Hi everyone, I have not been able to post lately ,I do try and read, tomorrow will be 8 months and it has not gotten any easier , and the holidays are just so hard, the medication doesn't seem to make me feel any better I still have trouble getting myself to go anywhere when I do I start having terrible stomach pains. oh well. I did want to tell you all my niece's baby girl Ryleigh is doing wonderful she is such a beautiful baby. I am so glad my sister and I put in and got her a monitor that alerts Jennifer if she stops breathing as it has gone off 3 times so far. she still breaths fast and shallow at times I sure hope that gets better. I am also sorry for missing angelversarys (sp) or birthdays . and I also wanted to welcome the new people I am sorry you have to be here but you have come to a wonderful group . Take Care Love Brenda

PS Ryleigh is a about 3 weeks old and my sister caught her smiling

[Jeff's Mom]

Just a quick stop by to say how sorry I am to see more people that have found themselves in this sad situation. Sabine...I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son.

Colleen....the candlle light celebration is a lovely way to pay tribute to our sweet children.

Lora....Thanks, for you thoughts and prayers..I appreciate it.

I have been thinking of everyone daily. Wishing you all comfort and peace in your life again soon.

Sherry, I now see that I missed Lisa's special day. Sorry. Thinking of you!

Yes, the weather has turned into full blown winter. I too am feeling very down with the holidays around the corner. I sure miss Jeff. It is so hard to believ that it is almost three years since he died. In many ways it still seems as if it were last year. I guess it doesn't help that we do not have any family support. C'est la vie.

Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Brenda, one hour at a time some days...we know. Just hang on, those marks of time are accentuated by the holidays. Hang on because that is what Brian would have you do. SO glad to hear that Raleyigh is doing better, continued prayers for fully strong and healthy.

Kate, any news on your Hubby?

Doing an overnight with my sisters and my nieces at a hotel in town to celebrate my sis Mary Anne's 60th birthday. WOn't be on later so all have a good night, dreams of our Angels perhaps...

[Guest]

 

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[daveydow1]

Sabine-----I am sorry for your loss of your beloved son, Dominic. Being so

early on this sorrrowful journey, there's not much that can be said that

can soothe the pain in your heart......but I am glad that you found your way

to this site. Everyone here understands, firsthand, the pain & grief you are

going through now. While other people...those who have not lost a child....

can have the truest of intentions, there's just no way that they can fully

comprehend the pain and shock of the loss of a child. We always wonder why

these terrible impaired drivers are on the roads to kill other innocent people.

My son, David, was 31 when he was killed by an impaired truck driver in 2003.

The pain these terrible drivers bring onto others is immeasurable. You must have had

a wonderful relationship with Domonic, and as Dee has said......the love

always remains. Please come back to BI and post or read as you feel that

you can. Wishing you peace and comfort.

Brenda-----

I hope that you will be feeling better soon. The pic of little Ryleigh

is so cute. Thanks for posting it.

Kate---Thanks....(Lisa's angel day). It was a quiet day for us. I do hope that

your husband will get encouraging news about his health. Sending prayers.

Brrrrrrr........Winter there. We are not into it full-swing yet. It's been rather mild.

I. so, know what you mean about the passage of time since our dear children

has died, and how it seems like such a short time ago, on one hand......and then

like so very long since we've been able to be with them and talk to them etc.

Take care, friend.

Dee-----Have seen a few deer lately......running around through the fields and

along the woods line. My husband got out to the garden center and bought

all his supplies to start feeding the birds again.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tobyfreefoot]

sabine-on july 3rd, 2011 i lost my 28 year old son forest when his girlfriend fell asleep at the wheel and drove under a parked semi. i too would not believe it then wanted to join him. now 16 months later i still can't believe it and still have moments of wanting to join him. i am terribly sorry for your loss. i am very close to forest also and this whole thing sucks but there is not a damned thing i can do to change it but finding this site has helped me a lot as i hope it will you.

carol and kate thinking of you.

brenda-the baby is precious!

the memorial is set to be dedicated on nov 25th. we are working furiously to finish it and get details prepared. will post pics. so grateful and excited to finally a place to be and a marker to show the world my beautiful son and how much i love him.

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Lora, Dee, Sherry and Gretchen...thanks for your kind thoughts. I had attempted to send a longer message yesterday, but it somehow got lost. Typical me! Anyway, thinking of all of you as your Thanksgiving holiday fast approaches. I know this can be a time filled with bittersweet memories. Stay strong.

Our weather has turned in quite nice. A brilliant sunny sky and temps to reach around 2C. (35F) today. Off to the city to face some dreaded Xmas shopping. I am just dreading it. The music is overwhelming when I hear carols I almost break down into a heap of tears. I actually considered wearing ear plugs as I walk through the mall. It needs to be done and I have to face this no matter what. Get in and out as fast as I can.

Tried to send an email to my brother this week. He will not tolerate depression or sadness. Tough upper lip and all that...financial people have a coldness about them. His way of handling it? Does not reply. I have to fight a rising feeling of panic and bitterness. Guess it is his way of facing grief. December 12, 2009 is the night he died. And it still is so fresh and painful. Nothing could have prepared me for the shock. It was so unexpected and sudden. Well, we actually have turned on the lights outside and I have to admit they are quite cheery. I used to love decorating our home for the holidays. Not now.

Hope everyone has a decent enough day. Stay strong.

Love, Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Well, just quickly stopping by to say that I arrived back home in a much better mood then I had anticipated. I gave myself a good talking too and got my sorry butt into motion. The stores were packed as one would imagine with line ups and what have you. Everything seemed to fall into place like a beatifully shuffled deck of cards. Cars were circling the parking lots like crazy and I just slid into the first close available spot with so much ease. It was as if it was the parting of the Red Sea. Line ups with people holding articles in their hands and a cashier comes up to me and tells me he will take me next! I have to say I was a happy camper when I left the store. Mission accomplished. I did make a good start to the dreaded stocking up for said event. I have to say it was fun shopping for two little girls. I actually forgot about my sadness for almost the entire outing. And as I drove back up to the cottage I felt as if Jeff had walked beside me all of the way. It helped to give me strength.

Hope everyone else is doing okay. Thinking of you all.

Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

Well, just quickly stopping by to say that I arrived back home in a much better mood then I had anticipated. I gave myself a good talking too and got my sorry butt into motion. The stores were packed as one would imagine with line ups and what have you. Everything seemed to fall into place like a beatifully shuffled deck of cards. Cars were circling the parking lots like crazy and I just slid into the first close available spot with so much ease. It was as if it was the parting of the Red Sea. Line ups with people holding articles in their hands and a cashier comes up to me and tells me he will take me next! I have to say I was a happy camper when I left the store. Mission accomplished. I did make a good start to the dreaded stocking up for said event. I have to say it was fun shopping for two little girls. I actually forgot about my sadness for almost the entire outing. And as I drove back up to the cottage I felt as if Jeff had walked beside me all of the way. It helped to give me strength.

Hope everyone else is doing okay. Thinking of you all.

Kate

hey kate that sounds like it was pretty good day of shopping for anybody! people asked me if i would be doing the black friday thing lol no way!

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Lora, I understand your feelings about the upcoming holiday season. Jeff bought me a pair of ear plugs a year before his death to deafen my hubby's snoring. We laughed about it. I actually did consider taking them to the mall....to block out the carols. Can you just imagine if I had? He would have been mortified. However, I made it through the whole process without breaking down this year. It does get better with time. Love your story of the bear and two cubs. I saw a racoon sitting on the gas meter of a small country church on the way into the city. He looked so comfy and as if he was on his own turf.

Why is it called Black Friday? Is Thanksgiving always held at the same time in the States? Is this a bigger day then Christmas?

[ericasmom]

Hope all are well, I am going to bed but want to say that I am glad Kate that shopping went well and Kate, Black friday used to mean one thing but now means the shopping day that helps put retailers in the black.

On that day, since Eri died, I take the public trans downtown Chicago and watch the ceremony in which the Lions that grace the Art Institute receive their wreaths. I usually cry some as it is a moving ceremony, joyous and I am happy to be in the throngs of folks by myself, and with my Angel.

[Sholl1955]

So much has changed in 8 months. Here the Holidays are upon us and it doesn't seem possible. Last year at the Holiday Season Sarah was in active treatment and the doctors were still giving a positive prognosis. However I know we were all thinking it could possibly be our last Holiday Season together. We had family pictures taken and Christmas decorations and the tree were in the pictures. We are blessed to have those last pictures of the family all together but oh how difficult it is to be approaching the holidays now. Thanksgiving will be so different. My younger daughter Rachel will be spending the day with her in laws. Sarah's husband and the grandaughters will be with his family. It will be the first time ever that we have not had anyone with us for Thanksgiving. A friend invited us to their family gathering, but I declined. I just don't think I can be with a large amount of people yet. Does it make sense that I truly do know all that I have to be thankful for and I am thankful but the sorrow and pain still overwhelm me to the point that I can't deal with others on a day that I have always loved so much? We will work to make Christmas special for Maddie and Becca as much as we can. It is amazing to watch these little girls. They have both struggled more the past few weeks missing their mama. At school they are doing Thanksgiving activites and preparing for Christmas programs and the involvement of thier little friends mama's is not lost on these two bright little girls. They are crying for her more and the pain in them is heart breaking. So we do alot of different activities to keep them busy. Today I started teaching them how to make pot holders. Do you all remember the little weaving looms, well that is our project this weekend. Being out of work I won't be buying many Christmas presents . Our celebration will be a quiet one this year and maybe some of the traditions not done. I miss my beautiful Sarah; We loved preparing together, and enjoyed the shopping and food planning I so miss our trips to the store and our lunches out. None of that this year. Well, I took a sleeping pill and am starting to get goofy so before I say something really crazy I wll go now.. I just felt the need to share where I am today. i know you all understand the feelings.

Blessings to you all.

Sandy

[tobyfreefoot]

lora-watching is probably a lot more fun than trying to fight for a cabbage patch doll lol!

also a couple of weeks ago a mountain lion ran across I-40 right in front of my car, i had to brake, a mile east of shawnee (pop 30,000) weird so close to town. i did see one about 4 years ago bound across a rural hwy at 1 am. we supposedly don't have them here but other people report seeing them too. recently they saw a black bear about 3 miles from my house (very rural) they sometimes follow creeks i hear into this part of the state. i love seeing wildlife but not on the highway!

[ericasmom]

Mountain Lions and Bears---oh my. Those would scare me for sure, but I am in awe of their beauty and fearful of their habitats being taken away.

Sandy, the quiet you will share with your husband on Thanksgiving will be a huge change but this first year, it may be a good thing to just be with yourselves and your sweet Angel. The girls off to the other Grandparents and your other Daughter to her inlaws. Life changes completely Sweetheart, and for those changes I am so sorry. You will find a rhythm again, but not this early, now is the time to simply find ways of living in this moment and then the next. Be gentle with yourselves and know that time will unfold and new traditions will be made and that it is okay to cherish all those traditions that came before. Your Grand girls must be a source of great joy but also watching them struggle---great heartache too. That bittersweet that life has taken on now is hard to find balance within but you will and so will they. Sandy, each summer for the last two I have volunteered with a camp that serves kids who have lost a parent. The youngest patrons are about 8. You may want to look around your area and see if there is such a program this summer for the girls. It is a theater group and the kids dance, make sets, sing songs, and connect through their like losses. IT is very cathartic and most kids who attend, try very hard to attend the following year as they gain so much from it.

We do all have much to be grateful for and with, but we are wounded deeply and it is okay to sometimes lose sight of the good in a day, just know that one day it will be easier to see and feel.

While with my sisters and nieces the other day, I kept feeling that there were six of us rather than five, and I realize that it was Eri walking alongside of me and sitting on the train, and laughing with us as we made our way. Tears fell as we viewed the tree in Macy's from the 7th floor, so many memories of we sisters with our kids waiting in line to eat in the Walnut room around the giant beautiful tree. On Friday night in our hotel room, there were two double beds and one cot. I asked to sleep on the cot as I am a restless girl and so we all got ready for bed and sat up laughing and talking, I fell asleep first. When I woke, (one of the many times in the night) I looked at my sister Mare lying next to her daughter Laura, and my sister Eileen, lying next to her daughter Kate, and I felt the extreme ache of the physical absence of my girl lying next to me. But gratefully, I did sense her right there with me.

I will always miss my Girl, always love her to the fullest. My sweet Angel, thank you for walking alongside of us.

[daveydow1]

Kate-----I know just what you mean about dreading the Christmas

shopping thing. It is especially difficult in the first few months/years

after losing a child. I still keep it to a low-key activity. It seems that

all the gaity, decorations, music etc. that we see/hear in stores just serves

to remind us of our sorrow. I hope that in time, it will become less

stressful for you. I'm sorry that your brother is one that does not

tolerate depressed people. My mom is like that too. She won't listen

to anyone's problems or sadness. She says they are just 'whining'.

So I don't discuss my feelings with her. Sending thoughts & prayers

your way, dear BI friend.

Gretchen----- It must have startled you to see the mountain lion

cross the road, .....I agree....but enthralling to see such

a beautiful wild animal. I'm glad that it was not hit by any cars.

Sandy-----

Thinking of you, and praying that you can somehow find

some measure of peace with all the upcoming holidays. Be kind to

yourself....pace yourself to go along with your level of strength.

Peace to you.

Dee-----So nice that you and your sisters and nieces had a nice time

going downtown Chicago for your yearly tradition. ( I was thinking

that the placing of the wreaths on the lions at the Art Museum was a

ceremony the day after Thanksgiving.) It must be so exciting to see all

the stores decked out at Christmas......especially since there has been

a demise of large downtown commercial shopping anymore, and a

shift to malls. I remember the excitment of years ago....going to downtowns

( of varying sizes) to do shopping at Christmas, and it seemed to be more

fun than all the look-alike stores in malls. (just my opinion) . Sadly,

there aren't any places to go without driving a far distance in my area, so

malls and discount stores are it. I can so relate to your bittersweet feelings

in the hotel room with your sisters & their daughters. ERi must have been

right there with you though......sending her little pink spirit into your heart.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

of the fun.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I probably did not explain well, the overnight was for my Sister Mare's 60th, and going downtown was something we used to do with all the kids at Christmas time, though I go there often and my kids grew up taking the train to the city with me as I too, prefer shopping outdoors to individual shops rather than a mall.

The day after Thanksgiving, I will indeed get back on the train and go watch the wonderful lions receive their necklaces. I do this alone and started this tradition the first Thanksgiving without my Girl. I needed something to welcome the holidays in a new way. There was no way around them, so being outside amongst the many happy souls gave me cheer and then each year I wander the many galleries inside. I always tell my students that if I have to be indoors, I like it to be at the Art Museum.

My husband and I took a walk in the woods today, we saw several deer grazing on the tall grass. The Des Plaines River is very low, very shallow, it smells due to it and I worry with these lovely temperatures that we are not going to have a real winter again. While it pleases some, the world is out of sinc...we have to change this.

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen it is fun watching but I am also the person they take out their bad mood on, most people don't want to be there. I just make them more angrier because I am so nice to them. lol I love any kind of living thing and I don't like to see them on the highway either.

Dee, I can understand feeling that way when you were with your sisters, it is the first thing I thought of when I read what you were doing. I thought to myself Eri will be there is spirit but I knew seeing your sister and nieces together would make you miss being with Eri physically. When I work at the store, It brings on a sadness for me when I see a mother and daughter shopping together. Cara is always with me, but I will always miss her not being here physically.

Your black friday tradition sounds like a good one, we do have to make changes in our life now. You are right, it will never be the same.

Kate, black friday is the begining of the madness of shopping for christmas, some stores are opening on thanksgiving day at 8:00 pm with really good deals that people will wait in line for all night if they have to. Like our store is having tons of good deals, one is our small appliances are 8.00 dollars, coffee pot, toaster oven, mixer, you name it. All stores have these kinds of deals on this day. People are crazy, I once had a man yell at me because he could not hear the christmas music and then went on a rant about the soldiers fighting the war. I am not sure really to this day what he wanted.

Well I just got home from work and am going to read a little. I hope everyone has a good night.

Lora

Lora, thanks for explaining about Black Friday. I know everyone loves a bargain. When our other son lived in Dublin for three years he told us of a very different way of spending the holidays. They appeared to be more family focused and less materialistic. No big ticket items so to speak. The kids got a stocking from Santa and one present only that was fairly modest. The families attended their churches and gathered for the meal. Sounds good to me. And no bills after the big day.

Dee, I think what you have done as far as attempting to start a new way of celebration is a great idea! And I will go so far as to say that it can often be the only thing that we can focus on in the beginning. I can listen to music these days, but not Christmas Carols. It just hurts too much. We have decided to opt out of a gathering at our church for Carols followed by a dinner. We just can't do it. However, I am baking up a storm for a fundraiser

for Christmas Tea and baking sale. It keeps me busy and my mind off of hubby and his health and other concerns. Staying busy is the only answer for me.

Gretchen...we have quite a few wolves, coyotes, bears, raccoons, and other various animals where we live. So far, we have not had a problem. We are careful of how we dispose of our garbage and take other precautions.

Sherry, yes, it is hard the first few years to get through the biggest holiday of the year with a significant loved one missing. Some adjust fairly well in time. Others are not as lucky. Support for family, friends, etc. is a huge help. I truly feel for those carrying this load alone with nobody to talk to. I am looking forward to seeing our son and grandaughters for the holidays. Unfortunately they will only be back for two to three days. But It will be a fun filled period.

Thinking of everyone today. Take care.

Kate

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[tobyfreefoot]

Kate, the way they celebrate Christmas in Dublin, is how it should be, every holiday is so commercialized. I think you are doing the smart thing, you know that it would not be an enjoyable time with the caroling so you are doing what you can for the church and keeping busy. How is your husband, did he find out anything? Have fun baking.

I am not sure if anyone else feels this way, but when I have a long period of time where my days are going okay and seem to be able to function well, I think there is something wrong with me. I know it gets better as time goes by and I know I have left myself feel every feeling and I have cried and still do on occassion, but I guess I am afraid that I am not going forward and will eventually have a nervous break down or something. Or maybe I just don't allow myself to feel anymore. I feel fine but I want to make sure I am going through the process. I have a sadness and I miss her. I still live day to day. I am not saying I am wonderful but I am better than i was in the first few months. Not sure I am making sense. I guess as a parent you think that you should never feel okay since you lost your child.

Lora

i had the same feeling of am i kidding myself? am i avoiding grief? am i numb? am i fine? then one day i fell apart again wailing and screaming for about 45 mins. since then i've been pretty good. i have read several books that were very helpful to me. i think mine just comes in spurts partly because i am the breadwinner at my house and i have 3 other children 19-25 and a granddaughter turning one day after tomorrow and i don't want them to feel that i have nothing left for them.

[daveydow1]

Gretchen-----I think that you are doing ok on this journey we're

on. It's never easy.....that's for sure, and when the crying, and wailing

comes, and we feel that we are in the darkest hole....we are nonetheless

taking those small steps forward that we need to take. I, too, felt that

I must be slipping backward when the painful heartache hit with all its

powerful force. Each person who is grieving must take those steps at

their own pace. Peace be with you, friend.

Kate-----It will be nice to have your son and little granddaughters visit

for the holidays. Do they live far from you? I think you are wise to do

what you are able to do and no more....for the holidays. I guess that it

does no good whatsoever to force oneself into things that seem too

sad or stressful. You must have a lot of wildlife there to see. Glad you

have not had any problems with them.

Lora-----I agree.....the craziness of Black Friday and other Christmas

shopping days is something that I don't ever take part in. From incidents

that one sees on t.v. and reads in the newspapers,....many people just

don't use good sense. To me, there's no 'great deal' that will bring me

into all the madness....traffic jams, crowds, etc. Guess I'm too old-fashioned.

I believe that you are going through your grief of losing Cara at the pace

that you can manage. As you say.....she's always with you. I have been

feeling very 'down' lately.....missing Dave.....and also wondering what my

angel Lisa would be like if she had lived to grow up. I guess that the holidays

always makes people a bit melancholy. We tend to go in and out of it,

along with the joys that other family members bring to us.

Dee----I do remember now......that you said that you go to downtown Chicago

alone the day after Thanksgiving to see the wreaths placed on the lions at

the Art Museum. What a wonderful place. My husband and & had gone there

several years ago. Love downtown, and hope to go again sometime. Your

walk sounds nice, and seeing the deer an added surprise. I hope that Greenpeace

is able to keep making headway. I walked down the road to visit the 4 horses

in the neighbors field. They came over to the fence and I petted them. They

are curious and friendly.

Leah---Betty.....Colleen......Carol.....How are you, my friends? Hope you are doing ok.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[justinlsmom]

Kate, the way they celebrate Christmas in Dublin, is how it should be, every holiday is so commercialized. I think you are doing the smart thing, you know that it would not be an enjoyable time with the caroling so you are doing what you can for the church and keeping busy. How is your husband, did he find out anything? Have fun baking.

I am not sure if anyone else feels this way, but when I have a long period of time where my days are going okay and seem to be able to function well, I think there is something wrong with me. I know it gets better as time goes by and I know I have left myself feel every feeling and I have cried and still do on occassion, but I guess I am afraid that I am not going forward and will eventually have a nervous break down or something. Or maybe I just don't allow myself to feel anymore. I feel fine but I want to make sure I am going through the process. I have a sadness and I miss her. I still live day to day. I am not saying I am wonderful but I am better than i was in the first few months. Not sure I am making sense. I guess as a parent you think that you should never feel okay since you lost your child.

Lora

Cara's mom, this is exactly how I feel. I am so glad you put it down on paper for me to read. I can so relate. I actually have been afraid to mention this to anybody. I too feel that I have let myself grieve, cry, read, see counsellor and join a group of other moms who have lost their children, so I feel like I am doing the work I need to do, what I am having a problem with is some days I feel okay, I go to work, I laugh, I go out with friends for supper and then when I am alone I think, wow, what is going on.... am I okay with this, have I accepted the death of my son??? Don't get me wrong, I have my days where I cry and I spend a lot of time thinking about him and his smile and the way he made me feel special and respected, but there are times where I don't think about him, it may not last long, but I catch myself thinking, wow, I havent thought about him in the last half hour, this is new to me has only started over the last 2 weeks or so, I too am afraid that this is the calm before the storm. I don't understand it, why do I seem to be accepting this, is it just the way the mind works, after months of shock, stress and grief am I getting a reprieve to build my strength before I get hit again with the pain. Its scary and hard to explain to anybody who isnt going through this. I appreciate any input on this, i need to know if this is normal(ish) I know there is no normal as this is all new to all of us. I guess I just need to know that I am not alone and that other people are feeling this way as well. Thank you

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Lora, I agree about a less stressful Christmas period and more focus on the true meaning. I am baked out! I have made dozens and dozens of shortbread that we will be serving at our church Tea on Saturday. Hope we have a good turn out.

Woke up this morning to a beautiful day. Very calm and sunny day which makes for an enjoyable hike. Sherry, our son and his family live approximately 1,100 miles from here. Just a little too far for regular visits. They moved back to Calgary when the economy in Ireland took a downturn. And so while it is not an ocean away...it still is not around the corner. We have no other family close to us. It does make for an exciting time when we do get together to see the kids.

Thinking of you all today as the holiday fast approaches. To those new to this journey...holding you close to my heart while you get through this difficult time. Take care.

Love, Kate

[shorty16]

Lora and Justin's Mom

I too felt like there was something wrong with me when I would have several days that are OK. For me, I realized what what happening. I felt guilty for not crying and feeling happy when my son, Brian is dead - How can I be OK, when this has happened?

It is OK to feel this way. Our minds are just starting the let go of their grip and allow other thoughts into it. We are actually thinking again.!!!

This will be our 5th Thanksgiving and Charistmas without my sweet Brian. The thought of that never gets easier.

I am praying for all the families new to this pain can find at least one thing to be thankful for. Even though we are no longer an intact family, both my surviving kids and my husband have formed a new life with Brian in spirit.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest]

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[daveydow1]

Justinsmom------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Justin.

He is a handsome young man. You described that there are times

when you feel 'o.k.' and can laugh etc. Then you are afraid that

this may be the calm before the storm. I, along with Dee, have been on this road

going on 10 yrs, and what you describe sounds like the way that

I was at that early stage. I was no stranger to grief when my son,

Dave, age 31 died IN 2003, as I had a baby girl, Lisa, 6 mo. old who died years

ago. While the grieving for each one was harsh.....they were two

different griefs. You are early on this journey, and I believe that

shock does kick in and protect us. As each one here will tell you,

every grieving parent must progress at their individual pace. There

are steps forward, and then some steps backward. You are doing

all the right things to help yourself to make progress. Being early

on this journey, one cannot expect too much from themselves....

just do the best they can. And....don't let other people tell you

how quickly or how far you should progress at any certain stage.

They are not you......they have not lost dear sweet Justin.....and

though they may mean well, we can't let them tell us how to grieve.

So,...I hope that you will continue to come back to BI. Everyone

here knows the pain of losing a beloved child, and we're here to help.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Justin's Mom, your Boy is a dear and handsome young man. I am sorry for this painful time. Yes, we find ourselves as Sherry has said, on our own clock with grief. We are going to be dealing with this loss forever, the first year or two are the most roller-coaster like. I was like you early on, feeling like I knew I had to get out with friends, went back to work as a teacher when school started up again, (Eri died in July of 03, went back to school end of August) and generally went forward best I could. There were times that felt like someone sucker-punched me and I was down for the count. Those times felt as though any progress I'd made was gone, but I found later that those times that find us wailing and unable to do much are also valuable times in our grief. Those set-backs are really times that insist on our release. The fact that you are having days where you are not crying is not a bad thing at all, it is just the way your mind and heart are handling things now, this could change and it may not. Either way, you have suffered a loss and chances are, there is still shock in your system allowing your way through. As you shed the next layer or two of shock, you may feel more tearful more broken hearted. You might not, you may have resolved some of the facts of losing your Boy and feel his hope in your going forward. I felt Eri's peace which enabled me to press on. We are all of us different just like our Kids, but joined in our losses just as our kids are joined in their new world.

Lora, I hope dinner out with a friend was a great way to unwind and relax.

Peace out to all

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

And even though it is not enough...everyone that knows Cara is thankful for it. It is not enough and yet, it is golden. Have a good day with your Son.

Thanks for sharing Lora.

[hotrod]

Thankful Thought s of You this Thanksgiving.

My Dear Indigo Family

I could not let Thanksgiving go by without acknowledging and honoring each of you .

I am truly THANKFUL and Blessed to have found you.

.

Holding you all in my heart

Dee, Sherry, Betsy, Lorri, Susannah, Bonnie, Colleen, Leah,Kate,Dianne, Rhonda, Carol, Trudi, Claudia Justin's mom, Gretchen and all the New Indigos who have joined since I have been gone.

This is indeed a lonely and painful journey and without your support I would not have made it.

Thank You

Betty

, ....

[ericasmom]

Betty, so very nice to see STephen's smile this day, matching the sun shining outdoors. I hope you are well and that NYC is looking like it is getting back to its old self. I heard your power was out for a while, how long? Will you spend the day with your Sis? Wherever you are Betty, you are loved and kept close in my heart.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of all of you as you celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow. My hope is that you will all find some happiness in whatever way you can on this special day.

Love, Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Happy Thanksgiving Indigos!

Busy last few days, trying to get the leaves and yard cleaned up before it gets too cold. Spent 3 days raking and tearing down plants in the flowerbeds, and then need to give the grass a final cut. Everything I have hurts, and hubby's hurting too! Everything I look at outside has a memory of my Jared. He was always climbing something. He always helped with the yardwork, and we have made many many trips with tractor and cart hauling cuttings and leaves to the woods behind us. I really missed him today, wiping away my tears with my sweatshirt sleeve, so hubby wouldn't notice. He goes from sad to mad so quickly if we talk about Jared, that I try to keep myself together so that cart doesn't get tipped.

Going to my parents house tomorrow, only about 20 minutes away, for dinner, but all the family is bringing food so that my parents (late 80's) don't have to cook. We decided to have it there so that they wouldn't have to go out at all.

[ericasmom]

Becky, I know that you are missing your Jared. Is husband mad at the world when you guys talk about Jared or is he mad that you talk about him?

I am glad that you are going somewhere close to home. Nice of you all to gather at your Folks home so that they don't need to go out.

Be careful with so much lawn work, how is that arm and the nerves healing?

Husband and I will spend an incredibly quiet day tomorrow, which we both love. We will not be doing Thanksgiving meal tomorrow but on Sunday when Jon and Shan return from their trip to Louisiana to see Shan's dad.

So tomorrow, our block will be quiet, most families we know will be out of town. It is supposed to be around 60 degrees so long walks, maybe a bike ride, maybe a trip to the cemetery to sit with Eri...no obligations though, and truly, that is what feels the best to me. I will go buy a turkey on Friday and we will enjoy our big meal on Sunday late afternoon.

I wish everyone some sort of peace tomorrow-even in all the loss and broken-ness, there is a love that never dies, it goes on. FOr that I am most thankful.

Each year I ask the parents to donate money if possible to help our class adopt a family for the holidays. We go through an organization in our town that serves about 1000 families. I ask that they do not get the teachers in our room a gift but to instead, send us money so that the kids can work to choose things for the kids in the family. So on Friday we made our final picks and I paid online, KOHLS, and the gifts will come to us and we have a wrapping celebration later in the month. I have to deliver the gifts to the church that is the main operations center for the organization by Dec. 5.

My class has donated $260.00 so far and I do believe that there is more coming. I have spent about $500.00 total, I shopped for the family 3 in stores before the kids began shopping online. So my gift to Husband is a coat for each family member, and boots for the kids which makes husband very happy.

[Sholl1955]

Just want to wish everyone here a peaceful thanksgiving. I am thankful for each one of you and the support you give to each other on a site none of us want to have to come to, but are so blessed that it is here for us.

Sandy

[Guest]

..

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Dee: No, Jerry doesn't get mad for me for talking about Jared, it's just that he gets upset quickly at the injustices surrounding Jared's death. We all do, but thankfully, not at the same time!

My neck is very stiff, despite the physical therapy. I don't have the range of motion, particularly in trying to look back over my shoulder, but not hard pain like I lived with before the surgery. My right hand is still half numb, and up the outside of my arm as well. I may have to have the nerve in my elbow moved, but am waiting a couple of months to see if any feeling returns. My whole arm and hand were numb before surgery, so it is improved.

Last year at Thanksgiving, it was only a month after Jared was killed, and we were still very numbed by his loss, and on Thanksgiving night, after dinner, my father fell and ended up in the hospital. My younger sister and I drove him there, so I know tomorrow will have to be better than that awful night.

God bless all of you, and I will be thinking of you tomorrow!

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...just popping on to tell everyone that I hope you have the best day you are able to tomorrow. It is difficult, facing these holidays, whether it's been a week or ten years. The memories are there, and sometimes they comfort and sometimes they cause pain, but the bottom line is that overall, we are glad we have them. I pray that tomorrow will bring a memory to you that will comfort you, that will bring a smile to your heart, even if just for a bit..

We have decided to go ahead and have thanksgiving tomorrow. My daughter Cathi had suggested that we "go out for "Chinese food" and at first I agreed, but then saw a special portion of a news show, that reflected on the gathering of families, the hearts brought together on this day; the memories shared and made, and I felt the need to honor those memories we had already made. We have always had a dinner here at our house; sometimes strangers were invited (from work, especially when we worked at the Air Base and some younger people were here alone), friends in need or just friends who wanted to share, and family of course. It will be difficult; it already has, just the preparations, but I pull on my faith, my love for my husband and son, and their love for me/us, and put one foot in front of the other. Had a terrible time at the store this afternoon, picking up some last minute things, but just went into the bathroom there and cried myself out. The poor kid who brought my groceries out, when he came over to get my debit card (they have a service there that they will bag your groceries and bring them to your car and then take your card in and pay the bill, bringing you the receipt to sign), I broke down again, and he just looked, not knowing what to say. I explained that I had recently lost my husband, and the young man seemed a little uncomfortable, but was very kind. By the time he came back out, I had "gathered myself" and he seemed relieved that I was no longer crying and shaking. We chatted a few moments; he said he just moved up here from FL to live with his grandparents, and we talked about his having to get used to driving in snow, etc. His grandparents live at the top of a hill and he is "leary of having to learn to drive up and down it when it's icy." He told me he is 19. I said "You will do fine, just take your time and be careful." When I got back into the car and drove away, I got to the end of the parking lot and had to pull back into a space and sit there because the tears were falling once again. Cathi and her youngest, and Mike's middle boy, Kam, came over later and we went to eat supper together. Being together helped a lot. They will be here tomorrow, along with Davis, of course.

I hope that you all are okay with my coming on here and posting of my heartache over losing my husband. I know that this is a "Loss of Adult Child" site, and I do have that connection also, having posted here (and found my lifeline here) for the past 6+ years, as our son Mike (for those of you who are new here) left us on Oct 14, 2006, at the age of 31, after he battled brain cancer for 17 months. I recently (Aug 30) lost my husband to pancreatic cancer and the loss of both of the men in my life has devestated me. I know that I will survive this, and though there are days when I wonder how, I have lived through the death of our son, and I likely will live through this. The days now are intermingled with such agonizing sorrow and the joy of our memories, so many we made together; as a family, as a couple, as a mom and dad to a wonderful son and two wonderful daughters. I have been blessed. I had my husband by my side for over 48 years. Sounds like a long time, doesn't it...it wasn't. Not long enough. Never long enough.

I know KATE that you already had your Thanksgiving day, but I will be thinking of you tomorrow...and praying for your hubby... (today, now, as I see it is 4:15 am), as well as all of us here at BI...Becky, Sherry, Dee, Betsy, Trudi, Betty, Gretchen, Lora, Sandy, Amy, Leah (I hope you are okay), Rhonda (long time since we've heard from you), Patti (Justinlsmom), Colleen, and those who have not posted in a while...Diane, Susannah, Lorri...Bonnie, Marcia...and any I've not mentioned...all of my BI family is in my prayers, in my heart, always.

I had a wonderful day on Saturday last week...many signs from my sweetie and our son...it followed a Friday when I just don't know how I made it through each hour. I will come back and share it with you all. For now, I must try to get some shut eye...sleep is more elusive than ever, but I know I must give my body rest.

love to all...