Loss of an Adult Child

[shellyku]

Good Morning and Happy Thanksgiving to all "Indigos"! It's been such a long time since I've posted but I read nearly every day. I would love to address you all individually, but for now I wish you all peace and comfort on this Thanksgiving Day. I'd like to come back soon and update you on what's been happening in my life and chat with all of you. These holidays can be so hard and yet I will give thanks for the good in my life, and a huge part of that good is that I got to be Sarah's mom. Love to all!

[darlenestark]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. This is my first without my son Ali. I'm realizing just how much his life and his death have changed the meaning of "thankfulness" in my life, I spent the past week going through boxes of artwork and school papers and photos of all my children - 35 years worth of artifacts of our lives and our love. All these memories are life's true treasures...

[westleysmom]

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I've been very busy and not able to keep up with the group very much, but I think of you every day and am thankful for friends that understand. I know for some this is the first Thanksgiving without your precious child and it is so very hard to be thankful for the time we had with them while we still miss them so much. Hugs to you all.

[mperez13]

Today is Thanksgiving but I don’t feel much to be thankful for. Two days ago was my son Christopher’s birthday. Only he wan’t here to celebrate. He would have been 28 years old. Three months ago today he drowned in a swimming pool after passing out from a seizure brought on by years of drug addiction. It started when he was 16, first with marijuana, then oxycontin and finally heroin. From the first time I discovered he was using drugs I had a premonition this would happen and so I lived for all these years in a state of worry, anxiety and dread. Addiction runs in our family. My brother died from it. I am a recovering alcoholic (26 years sober) and my son’s grandparents on his mother’s side were alcoholics. Even before using drugs we knew something was wrong with Chris, starting around the age of ten. He had bouts of mild depression and an obsessiveness which, at times, was unending. We had him tested and discovered that he had ADD which accounted for his difficulty in school and also led to a lack of self esteem. He would start a project and never finish. He gave up easily if a task was too hard. He has temper tantrums and was often nasty and rude to us and much later on, in the full throes of addiction blamed us for making him feel abnormal and different by taking him to doctors and therapists to try to help him. A catch 22.Despite all this he had an IQ of 135. But this didn’t matter. Genetically and psychologically he was ripe for addiction. The correlation between ADD and addiction alone is high and when you add all the other issues, my son was marked with a disease that kills so many young people. We did everything in our power to help him conquer his addiction: 5 rehabs, numerous therapists and addiction specialists, outward-bound programs. For a period of 4 years he was sober and it looked as if he had won the battle.

In those years he was so respected and considered special by the last rehab he went to they hired him to help other young addicts. But five years ago an accident that caused severe nerve damage and constant pain incapacitated him for while and, of course, the doctors put him on highly addictive painkillers. It was the perfect storm from which he never recovered.

Arrests, car accidents, disappearances, unpaid bills. This was his life from that point on. And our nightmare. 24 by 7.

What was my son like if you stripped away the addiction? He was a lovable, teddy bear with a smile that would melt your heart. He was extremely good looking, generous, loyal and had

such charisma that everyone who met him fell in love with him-and never forgot him. He had an aura about him even people who had every reason to hate him couldn’t get over. At his service three months ago over 400 people came and filled the church. People came from as far away as Australia. I was stunned by the outpouring of love and affection all these people had for Chris. Stunned because all I saw for so many years was the affects of addiction: the terrible times, the accidents, the overnight trips to California to get him out of trouble, the midnight phone calls…How many people told me to “focus on the good times”.

How could I? I was like the soldier who comes home after years of battle and fatigue and fear with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, the therapist I am seeing now told me that this is what I have. After so many years of trying to save his life, he dies. Now what? My hope for him dies with him. My yearning to see him recover and become a happy young man dies with him. The future dies with him. When I look at his smiling, innocent picture, taken when he was 7 years old, before all the trouble started, it becomes immensely sad. A lovely, healthy young boy becomes frozen in time and neither he, nor his mother nor I know then what was in store. We were oblivious. How I wish that little kid could walk in the door. Knowing what I know now I fantasize about taking him in my arms and telling him it’s going to be alright-because I know where it’s going and I’m not going to let that happen. I tell him that I will protect him. An impossible dream which only leads to despondency and a sense of helplessness.

Everyone who has lost a child understands what this grief is like and although everyone goes through this journey in his or her own way there is one common elements which we all share: there is a hole in our hearts which will remain until the day we die.

I miss my son. I want him back but know I cannot have him, or see him or touch him ever again. The pain of this knowledge, at times, is unbearable. The sadness is so deep it has no bottom.

I can only pray that what I hear from so many people who lost a child that time does lesson the intensity of the pain from the loss. And that we can even learn to laugh again without feeling guilty.

I am not there yet. By any means. Someday I hope to be and remember my son and his smile and his basic decency and goodness.

[mperez13]

Today is Thanksgiving but I don’t feel much to be thankful for. Two days ago was my son Christopher’s birthday. Only he wan’t here to celebrate. He would have been 28 years old. Three months ago today he drowned in a swimming pool after passing out from a seizure brought on by years of drug addiction. It started when he was 16, first with marijuana, then oxycontin and finally heroin. From the first time I discovered he was using drugs I had a premonition this would happen and so I lived for all these years in a state of worry, anxiety and dread. Addiction runs in our family. My brother died from it. I am a recovering alcoholic (26 years sober) and my son’s grandparents on his mother’s side were alcoholics. Even before using drugs we knew something was wrong with Chris, starting around the age of ten. He had bouts of mild depression and an obsessiveness which, at times, was unending. We had him tested and discovered that he had ADD which accounted for his difficulty in school and also led to a lack of self esteem. He would start a project and never finish. He gave up easily if a task was too hard. He has temper tantrums and was often nasty and rude to us and much later on, in the full throes of addiction blamed us for making him feel abnormal and different by taking him to doctors and therapists to try to help him. A catch 22.Despite all this he had an IQ of 135. But this didn’t matter. Genetically and psychologically he was ripe for addiction. The correlation between ADD and addiction alone is high and when you add all the other issues, my son was marked with a disease that kills so many young people. We did everything in our power to help him conquer his addiction: 5 rehabs, numerous therapists and addiction specialists, outward-bound programs. For a period of 4 years he was sober and it looked as if he had won the battle.

In those years he was so respected and considered special by the last rehab he went to they hired him to help other young addicts. But five years ago an accident that caused severe nerve damage and constant pain incapacitated him for while and, of course, the doctors put him on highly addictive painkillers. It was the perfect storm from which he never recovered.

Arrests, car accidents, disappearances, unpaid bills. This was his life from that point on. And our nightmare. 24 by 7.

What was my son like if you stripped away the addiction? He was a lovable, teddy bear with a smile that would melt your heart. He was extremely good looking, generous, loyal and had

such charisma that everyone who met him fell in love with him-and never forgot him. He had an aura about him even people who had every reason to hate him couldn’t get over. At his service three months ago over 400 people came and filled the church. People came from as far away as Australia. I was stunned by the outpouring of love and affection all these people had for Chris. Stunned because all I saw for so many years was the affects of addiction: the terrible times, the accidents, the overnight trips to California to get him out of trouble, the midnight phone calls…How many people told me to “focus on the good times”.

How could I? I was like the soldier who comes home after years of battle and fatigue and fear with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, the therapist I am seeing now told me that this is what I have. After so many years of trying to save his life, he dies. Now what? My hope for him dies with him. My yearning to see him recover and become a happy young man dies with him. The future dies with him. When I look at his smiling, innocent picture, taken when he was 7 years old, before all the trouble started, it becomes immensely sad. A lovely, healthy young boy becomes frozen in time and neither he, nor his mother nor I know then what was in store. We were oblivious. How I wish that little kid could walk in the door. Knowing what I know now I fantasize about taking him in my arms and telling him it’s going to be alright-because I know where it’s going and I’m not going to let that happen. I tell him that I will protect him. An impossible dream which only leads to despondency and a sense of helplessness.

Everyone who has lost a child understands what this grief is like and although everyone goes through this journey in his or her own way there is one common elements which we all share: there is a hole in our hearts which will remain until the day we die.

I miss my son. I want him back but know I cannot have him, or see him or touch him ever again. The pain of this knowledge, at times, is unbearable. The sadness is so deep it has no bottom.

I can only pray that what I hear from so many people who lost a child that time does lesson the intensity of the pain from the loss. And that we can even learn to laugh again without feeling guilty.

I am not there yet. By any means. Someday I hope to be and remember my son and his smile and his basic decency and goodness.

[mperez13]

Today is Thanksgiving but I don’t feel much to be thankful for. Two days ago was my son Christopher’s birthday. Only he wan’t here to celebrate. He would have been 28 years old. Three months ago today he drowned in a swimming pool after passing out from a seizure brought on by years of drug addiction. It started when he was 16, first with marijuana, then oxycontin and finally heroin. From the first time I discovered he was using drugs I had a premonition this would happen and so I lived for all these years in a state of worry, anxiety and dread. Addiction runs in our family. My brother died from it. I am a recovering alcoholic (26 years sober) and my son’s grandparents on his mother’s side were alcoholics. Even before using drugs we knew something was wrong with Chris, starting around the age of ten. He had bouts of mild depression and an obsessiveness which, at times, was unending. We had him tested and discovered that he had ADD which accounted for his difficulty in school and also led to a lack of self esteem. He would start a project and never finish. He gave up easily if a task was too hard. He has temper tantrums and was often nasty and rude to us and much later on, in the full throes of addiction blamed us for making him feel abnormal and different by taking him to doctors and therapists to try to help him. A catch 22.Despite all this he had an IQ of 135. But this didn’t matter. Genetically and psychologically he was ripe for addiction. The correlation between ADD and addiction alone is high and when you add all the other issues, my son was marked with a disease that kills so many young people. We did everything in our power to help him conquer his addiction: 5 rehabs, numerous therapists and addiction specialists, outward-bound programs. For a period of 4 years he was sober and it looked as if he had won the battle.

In those years he was so respected and considered special by the last rehab he went to they hired him to help other young addicts. But five years ago an accident that caused severe nerve damage and constant pain incapacitated him for while and, of course, the doctors put him on highly addictive painkillers. It was the perfect storm from which he never recovered.

Arrests, car accidents, disappearances, unpaid bills. This was his life from that point on. And our nightmare. 24 by 7.

What was my son like if you stripped away the addiction? He was a lovable, teddy bear with a smile that would melt your heart. He was extremely good looking, generous, loyal and had

such charisma that everyone who met him fell in love with him-and never forgot him. He had an aura about him even people who had every reason to hate him couldn’t get over. At his service three months ago over 400 people came and filled the church. People came from as far away as Australia. I was stunned by the outpouring of love and affection all these people had for Chris. Stunned because all I saw for so many years was the affects of addiction: the terrible times, the accidents, the overnight trips to California to get him out of trouble, the midnight phone calls…How many people told me to “focus on the good times”.

How could I? I was like the soldier who comes home after years of battle and fatigue and fear with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, the therapist I am seeing now told me that this is what I have. After so many years of trying to save his life, he dies. Now what? My hope for him dies with him. My yearning to see him recover and become a happy young man dies with him. The future dies with him. When I look at his smiling, innocent picture, taken when he was 7 years old, before all the trouble started, it becomes immensely sad. A lovely, healthy young boy becomes frozen in time and neither he, nor his mother nor I know then what was in store. We were oblivious. How I wish that little kid could walk in the door. Knowing what I know now I fantasize about taking him in my arms and telling him it’s going to be alright-because I know where it’s going and I’m not going to let that happen. I tell him that I will protect him. An impossible dream which only leads to despondency and a sense of helplessness.

Everyone who has lost a child understands what this grief is like and although everyone goes through this journey in his or her own way there is one common elements which we all share: there is a hole in our hearts which will remain until the day we die.

I miss my son. I want him back but know I cannot have him, or see him or touch him ever again. The pain of this knowledge, at times, is unbearable. The sadness is so deep it has no bottom.

I can only pray that what I hear from so many people who lost a child that time does lesson the intensity of the pain from the loss. And that we can even learn to laugh again without feeling guilty.

I am not there yet. By any means. Someday I hope to be and remember my son and his smile and his basic decency and goodness.

[mperez13]

Today is Thanksgiving but I don’t feel much to be thankful for. Two days ago was my son Christopher’s birthday. Only he wan’t here to celebrate. He would have been 28 years old. Three months ago today he drowned in a swimming pool after passing out from a seizure brought on by years of drug addiction. It started when he was 16, first with marijuana, then oxycontin and finally heroin. From the first time I discovered he was using drugs I had a premonition this would happen and so I lived for all these years in a state of worry, anxiety and dread. Addiction runs in our family. My brother died from it. I am a recovering alcoholic (26 years sober) and my son’s grandparents on his mother’s side were alcoholics. Even before using drugs we knew something was wrong with Chris, starting around the age of ten. He had bouts of mild depression and an obsessiveness which, at times, was unending. We had him tested and discovered that he had ADD which accounted for his difficulty in school and also led to a lack of self esteem. He would start a project and never finish. He gave up easily if a task was too hard. He has temper tantrums and was often nasty and rude to us and much later on, in the full throes of addiction blamed us for making him feel abnormal and different by taking him to doctors and therapists to try to help him. A catch 22.Despite all this he had an IQ of 135. But this didn’t matter. Genetically and psychologically he was ripe for addiction. The correlation between ADD and addiction alone is high and when you add all the other issues, my son was marked with a disease that kills so many young people. We did everything in our power to help him conquer his addiction: 5 rehabs, numerous therapists and addiction specialists, outward-bound programs. For a period of 4 years he was sober and it looked as if he had won the battle.

In those years he was so respected and considered special by the last rehab he went to they hired him to help other young addicts. But five years ago an accident that caused severe nerve damage and constant pain incapacitated him for while and, of course, the doctors put him on highly addictive painkillers. It was the perfect storm from which he never recovered.

Arrests, car accidents, disappearances, unpaid bills. This was his life from that point on. And our nightmare. 24 by 7.

What was my son like if you stripped away the addiction? He was a lovable, teddy bear with a smile that would melt your heart. He was extremely good looking, generous, loyal and had

such charisma that everyone who met him fell in love with him-and never forgot him. He had an aura about him even people who had every reason to hate him couldn’t get over. At his service three months ago over 400 people came and filled the church. People came from as far away as Australia. I was stunned by the outpouring of love and affection all these people had for Chris. Stunned because all I saw for so many years was the affects of addiction: the terrible times, the accidents, the overnight trips to California to get him out of trouble, the midnight phone calls…How many people told me to “focus on the good times”.

How could I? I was like the soldier who comes home after years of battle and fatigue and fear with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, the therapist I am seeing now told me that this is what I have. After so many years of trying to save his life, he dies. Now what? My hope for him dies with him. My yearning to see him recover and become a happy young man dies with him. The future dies with him. When I look at his smiling, innocent picture, taken when he was 7 years old, before all the trouble started, it becomes immensely sad. A lovely, healthy young boy becomes frozen in time and neither he, nor his mother nor I know then what was in store. We were oblivious. How I wish that little kid could walk in the door. Knowing what I know now I fantasize about taking him in my arms and telling him it’s going to be alright-because I know where it’s going and I’m not going to let that happen. I tell him that I will protect him. An impossible dream which only leads to despondency and a sense of helplessness.

Everyone who has lost a child understands what this grief is like and although everyone goes through this journey in his or her own way there is one common elements which we all share: there is a hole in our hearts which will remain until the day we die.

I miss my son. I want him back but know I cannot have him, or see him or touch him ever again. The pain of this knowledge, at times, is unbearable. The sadness is so deep it has no bottom.

I can only pray that what I hear from so many people who lost a child that time does lesson the intensity of the pain from the loss. And that we can even learn to laugh again without feeling guilty.

I am not there yet. By any means. Someday I hope to be and remember my son and his smile and his basic decency and goodness.

[mperez13]

Today is Thanksgiving but I don’t feel much to be thankful for. Two days ago was my son Christopher’s birthday. Only he wan’t here to celebrate. He would have been 28 years old. Three months ago today he drowned in a swimming pool after passing out from a seizure brought on by years of drug addiction. It started when he was 16, first with marijuana, then oxycontin and finally heroin. From the first time I discovered he was using drugs I had a premonition this would happen and so I lived for all these years in a state of worry, anxiety and dread. Addiction runs in our family. My brother died from it. I am a recovering alcoholic (26 years sober) and my son’s grandparents on his mother’s side were alcoholics. Even before using drugs we knew something was wrong with Chris, starting around the age of ten. He had bouts of mild depression and an obsessiveness which, at times, was unending. We had him tested and discovered that he had ADD which accounted for his difficulty in school and also led to a lack of self esteem. He would start a project and never finish. He gave up easily if a task was too hard. He has temper tantrums and was often nasty and rude to us and much later on, in the full throes of addiction blamed us for making him feel abnormal and different by taking him to doctors and therapists to try to help him. A catch 22.Despite all this he had an IQ of 135. But this didn’t matter. Genetically and psychologically he was ripe for addiction. The correlation between ADD and addiction alone is high and when you add all the other issues, my son was marked with a disease that kills so many young people. We did everything in our power to help him conquer his addiction: 5 rehabs, numerous therapists and addiction specialists, outward-bound programs. For a period of 4 years he was sober and it looked as if he had won the battle.

In those years he was so respected and considered special by the last rehab he went to they hired him to help other young addicts. But five years ago an accident that caused severe nerve damage and constant pain incapacitated him for while and, of course, the doctors put him on highly addictive painkillers. It was the perfect storm from which he never recovered.

Arrests, car accidents, disappearances, unpaid bills. This was his life from that point on. And our nightmare. 24 by 7.

What was my son like if you stripped away the addiction? He was a lovable, teddy bear with a smile that would melt your heart. He was extremely good looking, generous, loyal and had

such charisma that everyone who met him fell in love with him-and never forgot him. He had an aura about him even people who had every reason to hate him couldn’t get over. At his service three months ago over 400 people came and filled the church. People came from as far away as Australia. I was stunned by the outpouring of love and affection all these people had for Chris. Stunned because all I saw for so many years was the affects of addiction: the terrible times, the accidents, the overnight trips to California to get him out of trouble, the midnight phone calls…How many people told me to “focus on the good times”.

How could I? I was like the soldier who comes home after years of battle and fatigue and fear with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, the therapist I am seeing now told me that this is what I have. After so many years of trying to save his life, he dies. Now what? My hope for him dies with him. My yearning to see him recover and become a happy young man dies with him. The future dies with him. When I look at his smiling, innocent picture, taken when he was 7 years old, before all the trouble started, it becomes immensely sad. A lovely, healthy young boy becomes frozen in time and neither he, nor his mother nor I know then what was in store. We were oblivious. How I wish that little kid could walk in the door. Knowing what I know now I fantasize about taking him in my arms and telling him it’s going to be alright-because I know where it’s going and I’m not going to let that happen. I tell him that I will protect him. An impossible dream which only leads to despondency and a sense of helplessness.

Everyone who has lost a child understands what this grief is like and although everyone goes through this journey in his or her own way there is one common elements which we all share: there is a hole in our hearts which will remain until the day we die.

I miss my son. I want him back but know I cannot have him, or see him or touch him ever again. The pain of this knowledge, at times, is unbearable. The sadness is so deep it has no bottom.

I can only pray that what I hear from so many people who lost a child that time does lesson the intensity of the pain from the loss. And that we can even learn to laugh again without feeling guilty.

I am not there yet. By any means. Someday I hope to be and remember my son and his smile and his basic decency and goodness.

[ericasmom]

MPerez, I am so very sorry to welcome you to this place where parents/grandparents grieve the dearest of people. Chris sounds like a wonderful kid whose life was dictated somewhat by the chemical makeup of his body/brain. I teach third graders, I see the amazing facets of kids and how differently they process and comprehend and react to life. Those with ADD and ADHD have a much higher likelihood of depression and self medicating. My Daughter was ADD to the hilt but would never accept this and when meds were prescribed in 5th grade, she rarely took them. She hated my trying to find tutors for her needs, as she also had big learning issues especially surrounding math. Eri hung out with the brightest of bright kids, quirky and wonderful and they loved Erz even though her ability in school was low, but obviously she was quick witted and had a sophisticated sense of humor and timing. She knew how to be a great friend, she was charismatic and charming in so many ways. I will always miss her and always be grateful for being her Mom, nothing, not even a fast moving locomotive can take that away.

My Daughter, Erica, died at age 19 when a train (Amtrak) hit her car at a broken crossing. Accepting her death was something that Eri helped me with. I felt her sending me her peace early after her death. Somehow, I knew that she was showing me a glimpse of how amazingly peaceful she found herself. SHe has given me messages along the way, and I relish in them still, nearly 10 years later. It is true that you will not see how Chris managed his life in the future and somehow you have to find some way to put away those dreams for him, no easy task. What I think is most powerful however, is that Chris cleaned up his life for 5 years, the tenacity and strength that he showed is testament to the man he is. He showed you and his friends and the rest of the world, most importantly himself, that he was capable of doing this. He rose above the fray and now he has risen above the fray again, leaving his sweet love amidst the broken hearts. Hearts do heal, they will never be the same as they once were, but with hope and with work and with time our hearts do find a new shape that includes all of our memories and all of our pain but also all that awaits us in our lives. One day you will laugh and wonder how does a parent do this when they have lost a Child. BUt Chris will hear that sound of laughter like a bell, a lovely bell and he will take such delight to know that his beloved Dad is finding his way forward just as he hoped for you.

I just got home from a very lovely walk today, so pretty outside, nearly 60 with winds. I was down at the slough and talking to Eri and wishing I could see some sigh today, but the train whistle kept blowing, and I thought that was Erz saying hi, then I said aloud, as though she gave me the words to read, eyes to the skies, and I looked up---there a hawk circled round and round, lifting in the winds and gliding so gracefully. Thank you Eri.

[ericasmom]

Carol, may those that gather round the table with you today embrace all the time that came before this day and look forward to the days that follow. Your grieving heart is full of such ache and such love. Never feel you must keep that grief from us here, it needs to be shared. Just as you have encouraged others, we encourage you to let it out Sister.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, a lovely way to spend a special day. So glad your sweet girl gave you a sign. How nice!

Carol, you of all people should never feel you are not able to show your true feelings on this site. As long as I have known you you have always been there for others with a kind and softly spoken word of encouragement. I think of you often. I know this day is a hard one for you and I am sending tons of good wishes and love.

MPerez...I too am so sorry for your loss. I can completely understand your heartache today. Please know that we care and are here for you. Sending prayers and warm wishes.

Lora...I hope your evening out was a good one the other night. My thoughts are with you today. I have to tell you that I now see our stores are also jumping on the bandwagon and offering Black Friday all weekend. This in an attempt to keep shoppers here on this side of the border. Go figure!

To everyone else...too many names to mention...thinking of you as you celebrate this day in Thanksgiving for the gift of life and the joy of sharing it with our loved ones...both here and gone.

Kate

[mperez13]

MPerez, I am so very sorry to welcome you to this place where parents/grandparents grieve the dearest of people. Chris sounds like a wonderful kid whose life was dictated somewhat by the chemical makeup of his body/brain. I teach third graders, I see the amazing facets of kids and how differently they process and comprehend and react to life. Those with ADD and ADHD have a much higher likelihood of depression and self medicating. My Daughter was ADD to the hilt but would never accept this and when meds were prescribed in 5th grade, she rarely took them. She hated my trying to find tutors for her needs, as she also had big learning issues especially surrounding math. Eri hung out with the brightest of bright kids, quirky and wonderful and they loved Erz even though her ability in school was low, but obviously she was quick witted and had a sophisticated sense of humor and timing. She knew how to be a great friend, she was charismatic and charming in so many ways. I will always miss her and always be grateful for being her Mom, nothing, not even a fast moving locomotive can take that away.

My Daughter, Erica, died at age 19 when a train (Amtrak) hit her car at a broken crossing. Accepting her death was something that Eri helped me with. I felt her sending me her peace early after her death. Somehow, I knew that she was showing me a glimpse of how amazingly peaceful she found herself. SHe has given me messages along the way, and I relish in them still, nearly 10 years later. It is true that you will not see how Chris managed his life in the future and somehow you have to find some way to put away those dreams for him, no easy task. What I think is most powerful however, is that Chris cleaned up his life for 5 years, the tenacity and strength that he showed is testament to the man he is. He showed you and his friends and the rest of the world, most importantly himself, that he was capable of doing this. He rose above the fray and now he has risen above the fray again, leaving his sweet love amidst the broken hearts. Hearts do heal, they will never be the same as they once were, but with hope and with work and with time our hearts do find a new shape that includes all of our memories and all of our pain but also all that awaits us in our lives. One day you will laugh and wonder how does a parent do this when they have lost a Child. BUt Chris will hear that sound of laughter like a bell, a lovely bell and he will take such delight to know that his beloved Dad is finding his way forward just as he hoped for you.

I just got home from a very lovely walk today, so pretty outside, nearly 60 with winds. I was down at the slough and talking to Eri and wishing I could see some sigh today, but the train whistle kept blowing, and I thought that was Erz saying hi, then I said aloud, as though she gave me the words to read, eyes to the skies, and I looked up---there a hawk circled round and round, lifting in the winds and gliding so gracefully. Thank you Eri.

[mperez13]

To Erica's mom-thank you so much for responding to my lament about my son Christopher. This is the first time I have ever joined a blog-I don't use facebook or Twitter so seeing your words on the screen and talking about my son as if you actually knew him --reading the kind, decent, encouraging words was more than i can hope for. In so many ways your description of Erica in school, her ADD, refusal to take medicine, her quick wit and sophisticated sense of timing is all a carbon copy of my son. I have heard similar stories of so many kids with ADD an d so many of them (not your child) fall into addiction because of the often low self esteem they develop. It's hard to say this but I think the death of a child which is the worst nightmare of any parent also teaches us to love in a deeper, more intense way. The love you have for your daughter jumps out of the screen, it';s palpable and intense and lovely. God bless. Manny

[BrendaDup59]

Hi everyone,

Well saying Happy Thanksgiving just doesn't seem right to say to us.. this is my first one without Brian I did get to see my grand children today so that I am Thankful for . I have been really sick for the last week not sure if I have pneumonia or just a bad upper respiratory I usually get bronchitis this time of year but it doesn't feel like that. I still managed to cook the stuff I do every year but I could not eat a bite .my niece made me some pineapple salad I had a little of it. but I am back home in bed . Thank you all for your wonderful comments about Ryleigh , she is a doll but I stayed away from her today .

Kate how is your husband? I got behind reading all the post so I am not sure whats going on . I hope he is OK .

I hope everyone is doing OK ,I think about you all often Take Care Love Brenda

[ericasmom]

Manny, I am like you, no twitter, no facebook, when I joined this wondrous place a bit more than 9 years ago, I was a pioneer just as you are now. Looking into the new terrain, seeing what I could and seeking help. We are most definitely here Manny, and comfort is what we aim for here when so little of that is available in a loss such as your Loss of Chris. Eri and Chris do sound very much alike, may of our Kids here have similar personalities. Er=i had low self-esteem as well, so hard as a parent to see that and not know how to help. Eri did get involved with smoking pot and some drinking, I know that she tried some other things as well but I also know that her blood work showed none of this when she was struck. I was glad of that. Eri lived with my Son, Jon, in Kalamazoo, Michigan when she was struck. She and I spoke 30 minutes prior to her being hit, I am thankful for that communication as well. JOn was 21 then, and he moved back in with his Dad just two blocks from me and husband. His Dad, my first husband, died 3.5 years ago from leukemia. My Son is married now, to a lovely woman, and they live in the house 2 blocks away. Nice for us all.

I agree that the death that we all have experienced brings into sharp focus the deep love we have in our lives. May we continue to grow it. Keep coming to read and post, never worry about posting too much or scaring anyone away, we get it. This is community, not one we ever aspired to joining, but so glad that it exists for those of us who have a tragic loss as we do.

Brenda, get rest and stay in bed and heal if you can. School is filled with very germy kids, fighting illness all the time. I do believe we are more susceptible to illness those first two years of loss, our immune system is definitely impacted by our sadness, our stress, our lack of good sleep. I am glad that you saw the kids today, Brian smiling on you all. How are they all doing these days?

[BrendaDup59]

Today is Thanksgiving but I don’t feel much to be thankful for. Two days ago was my son Christopher’s birthday. Only he wan’t here to celebrate. He would have been 28 years old. Three months ago today he drowned in a swimming pool after passing out from a seizure brought on by years of drug addiction. It started when he was 16, first with marijuana, then oxycontin and finally heroin. From the first time I discovered he was using drugs I had a premonition this would happen and so I lived for all these years in a state of worry, anxiety and dread. Addiction runs in our family. My brother died from it. I am a recovering alcoholic (26 years sober) and my son’s grandparents on his mother’s side were alcoholics. Even before using drugs we knew something was wrong with Chris, starting around the age of ten. He had bouts of mild depression and an obsessiveness which, at times, was unending. We had him tested and discovered that he had ADD which accounted for his difficulty in school and also led to a lack of self esteem. He would start a project and never finish. He gave up easily if a task was too hard. He has temper tantrums and was often nasty and rude to us and much later on, in the full throes of addiction blamed us for making him feel abnormal and different by taking him to doctors and therapists to try to help him. A catch 22.Despite all this he had an IQ of 135. But this didn’t matter. Genetically and psychologically he was ripe for addiction. The correlation between ADD and addiction alone is high and when you add all the other issues, my son was marked with a disease that kills so many young people. We did everything in our power to help him conquer his addiction: 5 rehabs, numerous therapists and addiction specialists, outward-bound programs. For a period of 4 years he was sober and it looked as if he had won the battle.

In those years he was so respected and considered special by the last rehab he went to they hired him to help other young addicts. But five years ago an accident that caused severe nerve damage and constant pain incapacitated him for while and, of course, the doctors put him on highly addictive painkillers. It was the perfect storm from which he never recovered.

Arrests, car accidents, disappearances, unpaid bills. This was his life from that point on. And our nightmare. 24 by 7.

What was my son like if you stripped away the addiction? He was a lovable, teddy bear with a smile that would melt your heart. He was extremely good looking, generous, loyal and had

such charisma that everyone who met him fell in love with him-and never forgot him. He had an aura about him even people who had every reason to hate him couldn’t get over. At his service three months ago over 400 people came and filled the church. People came from as far away as Australia. I was stunned by the outpouring of love and affection all these people had for Chris. Stunned because all I saw for so many years was the affects of addiction: the terrible times, the accidents, the overnight trips to California to get him out of trouble, the midnight phone calls…How many people told me to “focus on the good times”.

How could I? I was like the soldier who comes home after years of battle and fatigue and fear with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, the therapist I am seeing now told me that this is what I have. After so many years of trying to save his life, he dies. Now what? My hope for him dies with him. My yearning to see him recover and become a happy young man dies with him. The future dies with him. When I look at his smiling, innocent picture, taken when he was 7 years old, before all the trouble started, it becomes immensely sad. A lovely, healthy young boy becomes frozen in time and neither he, nor his mother nor I know then what was in store. We were oblivious. How I wish that little kid could walk in the door. Knowing what I know now I fantasize about taking him in my arms and telling him it’s going to be alright-because I know where it’s going and I’m not going to let that happen. I tell him that I will protect him. An impossible dream which only leads to despondency and a sense of helplessness.

Everyone who has lost a child understands what this grief is like and although everyone goes through this journey in his or her own way there is one common elements which we all share: there is a hole in our hearts which will remain until the day we die.

I miss my son. I want him back but know I cannot have him, or see him or touch him ever again. The pain of this knowledge, at times, is unbearable. The sadness is so deep it has no bottom.

I can only pray that what I hear from so many people who lost a child that time does lesson the intensity of the pain from the loss. And that we can even learn to laugh again without feeling guilty.

I am not there yet. By any means. Someday I hope to be and remember my son and his smile and his basic decency and goodness.

Hi, I just wanted to also welcome you to the group nobody wants to join. I am so sorry for the loss of your son as I read about him I too saw my son Brian , I lost Brian age 32 in March on St. Patrick's day to a motorcycle accident . the absolute worst day of my life he was a husband and father to 6 and my oldest , both of my older sons had ADD But Brian fought any help I would try and get him , he often when he was younger self medicated and was in a bad car accident in 2000 he ended up with a plate in his hip and stayed in a lot of pain with his back so finding a job that didn't cause him so much pain was hard so he ended up being more of a stay at home dad and was so good at it. he was a wonderful father and for that I am blessed . I also have a 29 year old son who is also a husband and father but sadly he has chosen to distance himself and I have only seen him once in 8 months breaks my heart because I feel like I have lost both of them.I also have a 10 year old with special needs (mild autism) I believe God gave him to us because he knew I would need him ,Kaleb is from my second marriage and is so much like his older brother ,looks and acts like him. well I just wanted to say welcome. I hope you will be able to post some pictures of your son. Take Care Brenda

[daveydow1]

Dee----Such a nice day here today....60 degrees. We're back home

from going to our daughter's for dinner. Nice day all around,.....

good to be back home....tired. Becky was to meet with her girlfriends

later, to get into the mob and madness of early holiday shopping at

the malls.. ...most stores opening earlier this year. Not me.......I'm

staying home.

Carol-----Good to see your dear Mike's smile. Hoping that you had

a passable day, although it must be extra painful with your dear

Ralph so recently getting his angel wings. He and Mike was surely

smiling down on the family. Peace to you, friend.

Becky----I sure hope that you get some relief from your neck discomfort

soon. I, so, know what you mean about your husband getting upset at

the injustice surrounding JD's death. My husband is the same....even now.

He likes talking about David and Lisa, but in Dave's death....by the impaired

truck driver....he also has so much frustration about the light punishment

that person got in court. (so do I ). I just try to not think about it too much

after all these 9 years, but the pain is always there. Wishing you peace & comfort.

Manny-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Christopher. This is a

good site to come to and post/read as often as you care to. I have been on

this site for 9 yrs.....along with Dee.....and have found that it has been a lifeline

for me, as I had very few people who had the patience to hear about my pain

and sorrow. It can, indeed, be a lonely road at times, and this site offers a

place where grieving parents can come to anytime, and everyone here can

understand, so well, the pain of losing a beloved child. Please come back

to BI. We are here to help if we can. Peace & prayers.

Rhonda-----Glad to see West's smile. How are thing going for you, and

how is the weather in Tennessee? It was unseasonably warm here for the

past week, but we're looking for cooler changes soon, I guess.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

...

[BrendaDup59]

Manny, I am like you, no twitter, no facebook, when I joined this wondrous place a bit more than 9 years ago, I was a pioneer just as you are now. Looking into the new terrain, seeing what I could and seeking help. We are most definitely here Manny, and comfort is what we aim for here when so little of that is available in a loss such as your Loss of Chris. Eri and Chris do sound very much alike, may of our Kids here have similar personalities. Er=i had low self-esteem as well, so hard as a parent to see that and not know how to help. Eri did get involved with smoking pot and some drinking, I know that she tried some other things as well but I also know that her blood work showed none of this when she was struck. I was glad of that. Eri lived with my Son, Jon, in Kalamazoo, Michigan when she was struck. She and I spoke 30 minutes prior to her being hit, I am thankful for that communication as well. JOn was 21 then, and he moved back in with his Dad just two blocks from me and husband. His Dad, my first husband, died 3.5 years ago from leukemia. My Son is married now, to a lovely woman, and they live in the house 2 blocks away. Nice for us all.

I agree that the death that we all have experienced brings into sharp focus the deep love we have in our lives. May we continue to grow it. Keep coming to read and post, never worry about posting too much or scaring anyone away, we get it. This is community, not one we ever aspired to joining, but so glad that it exists for those of us who have a tragic loss as we do.

Brenda, get rest and stay in bed and heal if you can. School is filled with very germy kids, fighting illness all the time. I do believe we are more susceptible to illness those first two years of loss, our immune system is definitely impacted by our sadness, our stress, our lack of good sleep. I am glad that you saw the kids today, Brian smiling on you all. How are they all doing these days?

Hi Dee, most of the kids are doing OK except for the 5 year old Jordan he is still having a hard time, he woke up this morning upset and made his mom call Brian's cell well they have already given out his number to someone else, so that didn't help ,I worry so much about him he looks so much like his daddy, they really did have a special bond Brian named him after a friend he grew up with that had passed away, I think Traci may have to get some counseling for him.

my grand daughter Jaci the youngest is having to have surgery on her teeth, she feel down and broke one of her front teeth off and they have to go in and remove the part in her gum and then they found out she has really bad teeth since she was a preemie and had failure to thrive, when she was 6 months old she still only weight about 8 lbs she is now 19 lbs and she is 2 she also has a heart murmur and a valve did not close that should have after birth there is a name for it but I cant remember what it is. anyway when they looked in her mouth almost all her teeth have cavities and they are going to have to cap them and pull what they cant save , Traci brushed her teeth but I guess since she could not tolerate milk she is low on calcium and they always put her to bed with a bottle because of her not eating , this scares me the thought of her being put under anesthesia ,she is having this done Dec.5 I am going to try and go up there that day..Traci is doing good .well I didn't mean for this to be so long, I am posting a few pictures I took today. Jordan is in the blue shirt, Jayden pink,then there is Jakob , Justin is the oldest. I have not heard anything from Brett and I know I wont .. I miss my son & grand kids, I am just so tired of the emotional roller coaster they keep me on. well have a good night. Brenda

[Guest]

.

[mperez13]

thank you all for helping me get thru my son Chris's 28th birthday and Thanksgiving...this site is a godsend and i know will help me on this journey which, at times, will be a lonely one but less so now. God bless you all. My wife and I are leaving today for 2 days to visit her dad's grave site in Concord Mass and on the way back we'll visit my son's grave site (Madison CT_ where I will put a small token into the ground-a ltitle token AA gave me when I achieved 3 months of sobriety. Chris was 2 years old when that happened 26 years ago. Seems like yesterdays. Manny, Chris's father.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, sounds like a very nice day with your daughter. Yes you have the same weather we had but today, right now, it is 32 out, and going down. Hope you have your long johns available. I am getting ready to go to the wreathing of the lions, I will dress very warmly.

Brenda, prayers for the little one needing the work on her gums and may her heart repair and be strong and healthy. I know that you worry about them all, that sure seems normal in this new normal. Worry is my weakness, and since Eri died, also with symptoms of PTSD a few years following her death, I tend to worry beyond reason. What I know however is that we don't have control over the future, we simply have this moment and the next and have to make some sort of peace with that. It is hard. I am looking right now at my daily reminders book which I have opened and kept open to this:

Be where you are.

Otherwise, you will miss your life.

BUDDHA

I need daily reminders of this and chant it to give my day that necessary kick in the pants. I can only know this moment and in this moment, I am alive.

Manny, I am so glad that you and your wife are going on this memorial trip. It will be emotional and cathartic. I love that you shared your treasured button with your Boy. He knows you are with him, he is also with you.

Lora, I sure hope you come back with some good stories for us of the madness of the day in the store. I get the feeling that you make the experience quite nice for those in need of direction. Love that you and Son went out yesterday and let the day unwind as it did. Good for the spirit.

[mikesmomrs]

Yesterday was a tough day, but we got through it. Love, patience, my friends here on BI, and my family all came together to make it a day filled with love. Tears fell, but good memories won out and allowed us to make more good memories. My daughter Cathi, writes, and I would like to share what she wrote about yesterday. Her writing can make you stand up and take notice, or sit back and take comfort...she has embodied both of these elements in this description of yesterday. I hope her words will allow you all to find a little bit more comfort not only in the love that surrounds you now, but in the love that you hold deep in your heart for your precious child. I have to go and pick up my grandson Damon (Mike's youngest, who is 7) and we are all going to see"Wreck it Ralph" today...I will come back later and "talk" to you all...thank you all, for being here.

http://bullyforme.wo...2012/11/23/370/

[Jeff's Mom]

So glad to see that everyone survived the holiday in whatever way they could. Lora...look forward to hearing about your day at the store. Good luck!

Brenda...hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Manny...I hope this trip away will help to give you some sense of peace and comfort.

Carol, so glad to see that you had the comfort and support of family yesterday.

Dee...enjoy your day! Sorry to see the weather has taken a dowward spiral. It is definitely chilly this morning. Cold front moved in from Alberta bringing more snow and cold temps. The good news for outdoor buffs is that they can now bring out the snowmobiles and skis. The high today is a chilly -11C. Going down to -21C tonight. Thinking of everyone and sending love.

Kate

[MarisasMom]

Hi everyone,

I have just joined this forum. My daughter, Marisa, died of severe brain trauma 1) accidentally or 2) as the result of violence last March at age 42. - the police have said her boyfriend has an alibi but have not closed the case. I appreciate the honesty I have seen in your posts, and look forward to sharing my own thoughts on this new post-Marisa world. She had many struggles in her life, and the suffering she went through makes no sense. I feel I failed her on many levels - I know this goes with the territory of grieving but it just seems like a fact as well.

Thank you all for being there,

Marisa's Mom

[daveydow1]

Marisasmom,-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear daughter.

I hope that you can come back to this site and tell us about your

daughter, Marisa. I understand your pain and sorrow. There is

a special kind of pain when someone else is responsible for the

death of a child. Sending thoughts & prayers.

Brenda----Sorry to hear of little Jaci's dental problems. Also,

sorry for Jordan's sorrow.....poor little guy. I hope his mom can

get him some help. Thanks for the pics. Sending prayers for Jaci's

upcoming surgery.

Lora-----So nice that you and Jared had a pleasant outing.....having

lunch at the little cafe, and the movies.

Dee-----Yep----It's rapidly getting colder here too. Hope you kept

warm at the wreath on the lions ceremony. Thanks for the Buddha

saying. There is a lot of wisdom in the Buddhist beliefs.

Carol-----Glad that you had a nice Thanksgiving. I know what you

mean about the occaision being tinged with sadness, even though

there is thankfulness and joy with family. There's always the empty

chair to remind us. Thought & prayers, friend.

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Marisa's Mom, I am sorry that you have found the need to be here, but it is a great place for those that have lost a Child. Tell us more about your Girl, Marisa. Such a pretty name. I know that losing our Kids no matter the circumstances, is just the most horrendous thing to live with, but if things are still not settled and Marisa met with violence, it causes a whole other aspect to your grief. I pray that the police soon find some definitives so that you can know for sure.

THis place is filled with our stories, our love, our support and strength, and our tears. We get it so tell us what you can and we are here for you.

Carol, the day sounds like a very poignant one and your Cathi captured it so well in her words. She gets her ability to write from you I think. Please let her know that I fully enjoyed her piece, that it made me cry and smile all at once. The truth of bittersweet was right there. I am sure that there were moments of great ache in your heart yesterday, and likewise, moments of great beauty. I wish you more beauty than ache Friend.

I hope Wreck it Ralph was a hit.

The lions wreathing was lovely made lovelier still by meeting an old friend. When I boarded the train to head downtown, I saw a woman I smiled at, she was with 3 other women. They talked excitedly about seeing the lions get their wreaths and that this would be the first time, so I said, oh it is a lovely experience. I looked at the woman that I smiled at and asked if she was Renata? Sure enough, she was Renata, an old friend from 7th adn 8th grade. She went to a different high school so we never kept up but oh, what a joy it was to see her. She looked so much the same to me, a beautiful woman. We caught up as best we could in a 20 minute train ride, and I showed she and her sisters where to get off and we walked together in the biting wind to the Art Institute. We stayed together for a bit and then went our separate ways. My heart was so full by this. I dressed for the weather so it did not bother me a bit. I like winter, I would like to have a normal midwestern winter this year. Snow flurries flitted about as I strolled the parks surrounding the museum. I enjoyed my quiet time in the city of millions. I did a tiny bit of shopping, but the stores were too crowded for me, I preferred being outdoors. I did feel Erz with me, especially when snowflakes fell.

Going to bed, sleep well All, dream sweetly.

[JD99501]

after losing my son there is simply no joy in anything. I feel like a blunt pencil looking for paper to write on. When I wrote "the lunacy" I wondered if I was really the only one feeling this way,Or have I lost my mind completly and I am really alone in this? I know everybody is coming here looking for hope and such. For me I just want to know if I am alone in this madness? Does finding your child dead just put you in a catagory of just plain too far gone?

The song my Gorilla Zoe "lost" fits how I feel nowdays

[ericasmom]

Hey Newbie,

I see from your posts in a different forum that you have been dealing with your grief for some time. Me too, since 2003. Please inform us, help us know what you have been through and who your Son is/was. My Daughter Erica, Eri, Erz, died when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. She lived for 5 more days but never awake again. Grief is each day, but we find ways to be who we need to be and honor our Child as we do. Peace one day.

[ericasmom]

Missing From the Table

Warm lights pour outdoors

From within where they gather-

Around a large table,

Laughter is heard

And everyone is smiling-

I am a voyeur.

And from the wet pavement

I walk with my memories-

Remembering our warm lights-

The faces and the laughter

Around our large family-

But now a void, an empty chair,

She is missing from the table.

Accumulation

Accumulated ache and loss-

a giant bank from which there are no withdraws-

only more to put in.

A savings of grief, days old, weeks, months, how many years old.

Deposits mined from

deep soul,

remnants.

Ash and salt.

[daveydow1]

Dee-----How nice that you just happened to meet one of your old

school-mates on the train to downtown. So nice to visit, and I

imagine that the little group was glad for your directions, since

it was their first time to see the wreaths put on the lions. Thanks

for the poems......so very true.....I've done exactly that same thing...

walking on the street and seeing warm interiors with people

enjoying fellowship. How it cuts to the heart....the empty chair

at the table. Especially difficult at the holidays. I also like the

winter. This morning, I was looking out the kitchen window,out

over the plowed fields all the way back to the woods. Saw a small

group of deer crossing the field. A light snow was falling....showing

up the red outbuildings/barn and pine trees. Birds were visiting the

birdfeeders near the back porch, and a dove was perched high up on the

iron dinner bell, looking down on the other birds.

Newbie----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son. You have found

a site here that has many parents, who are at various stages in their

grief. Some are very new on this rough road, while others have been

on it for awhile......some for years. Everyone knows the pain &

sorrow of losing a beloved child, and all the confusion that befalls

when a child dies. All the 'whys' etc, and the feeling of despair, and

of thinking we might be going crazy trying to make sense of it all.

I have lost two children.....many years apart. I hope that you can come back to BI.

We're here to help each other. Peace & comfort .

Lora-----Yes----the Christmas shopping madness is a bit crazy.....with

some people doing crazy things. I just read a short article in the local

paper where a man left a 2-yr. old boy in the car while he shopped in a

discount store. Someone called police, who forced the door of the car

open. They later caught the man, who said that he had lost the boy in

the crowd in the store, and had called someone else for a ride home.

Of course he was lying, and he will face charges of child endangering.

( He must have left the area when he spotted the police and the commotion

surrounding his car). Luckily, the child was not harmed.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mperez13]

To all who responded to my making a trip yesterday to visit my son Christopher's gravesite. It was the right thing to do, however sad and tearful. It's only been 3 months since he died but when I looked down at the plaque where he was buried I was flooded with memories, all hitting me in fast motion and in no order. Seeing his name in bronze on that plaque left me with a completely empty, senseless feeling: his entire 28 years of history-and mine with him, his speech, his looks, his smile, the good and the bad all reduced to just a name on a plaque. I felt as if he died again, at the moment and I was sickened with a sense of helplessness and even anger that I couldn't save him. He was summarily taken away. Removed. gone forever. I wanted to talk to him but I can't. I took the small token I was gibe when I achived three months of sobriety in AA and buried it with him in the strange hope that it somehow will do him some good. Perhaps it can work for him in some parallel universe-or as the Buddists believe, in a reincarnated spirit.

I'm in a lot of pain today but am grateful I can say anything on these p[ages and you will all understand and not judge me. I have not accepted his death yet, have not learned to live with the pain yet and maybe I never will. But I pray I do. Thank you all listening. Manny

[shorty16]

Mperez 13 – Visiting your son Christopher’s grave site was the right thing to do, for you. Our Brian died at 16 in a car crash in 2008. Believe it or not, he told us he did not want to be buried, but cremated. So that is what we did.

It amazes me how different we each handle the same situations, and each way is right for us.

The physical, emotional, and mental pain you feel at the 3 month mark is really high. I am 4.5 years into the death of our Brian and that pain you feel does subside. It takes a long time, but it does.

Manny, I also did not accept Brian’s death for almost an entire year. I look back and I could not help what I felt, but not accepting his death did not help me to move forward. What did help me is to help others in anyway I could. That act took away that pain if even for a minute. The minutes turn into 10 to 15 minutes and so on.

Hang on my friend. We are here to tell you we can survive the death of our children.

Colleen, Brian’s Mother Forever

[shorty16]

JD99501,

Yes, you are a member of a group with the highest membership dues and that no one wants to belong to. Even though the worst thing has happenedd to us (my son, Brian was 16 and died in a car crash in 2008) we do not have to live in that place.

What I mean is, yes, we lost alot, and we can sit on that dead-end road and think about what we lost, but then we have to get up, get onto the road of life and think about what we still have.

I visit Brian's dead-end road, but I do not stay there. I bring Brian with me in this new life without him. I really do not like this new life, but I have no choice. I have a loving husband and 2 surviving children (both adults now) that need me in the life of the living.

Even if we start to travel off that dead-end road for 15 minutes a day - those 15 minutes will turn into more IF we let it. YES it is hard and NO I wish I could just stay in bed forever, but I cannot.

Happiness does not come running down the stairs to us anymore - we have to go out and find it!!! Sometimes, in suprising places. This process is alot of work....This is what worked for me - not necessarily for anyone else.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

To All those New here,

I agree with Colleen, there is a process we must go through in order to find our way in grief. In the beginning it is just finding ways to breathe and eat and do some of your daily things. Later, it is figuring out if you can work and if you can deal with the tasks as you did prior to the loss of your Beloved. Once we figure out that nothing, NOTHING, feels the same and it probably won't ever feel the same, we set about finding out how to do life in this new format. Or we sit there and refuse to do life in the new format. Most of us know that our Children would urge us to find a way. It takes so much energy and yet, there is a life waiting for us to live. If we are going to honor our Kids, we try to find ways to live our lives well, live them where our Kids cannot, live them because we are still here and perhaps we have a job to do while here. It is not easy, and no matter what, there is no timeline in which to follow. SOme of us are inclined to find our way earlier on, while others cannot do so. There is no wrong way to grieve unless you are hurting yourselves.

While in early grief, let me remind you to drink a lot of water and juices as our tears do dehydrate us and we need to replace those. We don't think about it but it is so. Stress also causes our immune systems to go awry, so taking some extra vitamin C does help with that but check with a doctor first. Try to eat some small portions 4 or so times a day if eating is difficult and try to make sure that some of those meals contain protein. Try even if it sounds like the most lame idea, to get some fresh air and sunlight on you each day. Often people find that the time they spend outdoors helps them even if it is for those few minutes. Be kind to yourselves, your Children would like that.

[Sholl1955]

Today we celebrated Thanksgiving with my family. Not the best of days. Discouraged!

Sandy

[Guest]

.

[mperez13]

Lora: thank you for your kind and understanding words. They help as only a parent who has lost a child can help.

Ericasmom: thank you , too for expressing what cannot be expressed.

Manny

[mperez13]

Coleen: I forgot to thank you, too for responding to my lament after I visited the gravesite of my son Christopher. Today is better. I woke up, as always , with him on my mind, but i have to do simple things, like shopping for food, taking my wife to the movies, answering emails, preparing for a video shoot-and I'm going to do all of that knowing that I have to live this new life without him, without both the love I felt for him and the grief, too in trying for so many years to help him get straightened out from drug abuse. But there were wonderful times, too and he was a really decent kid who simply had a disease which killed him. It could have been cancer, or a car accident or a thousand other things. In the end what does it matter. A loss is a loss. And this journey make take on different colors for all of us but in the end we all on on the same journey. Manny

[Jeff's Mom]

Sorry I have been working a lot and don't seem to have the extra energy to post but I agree with Dee and Colleen, you are in control of your journey, it is your choice how it will turn out.

Dee, glad you enjoyed the lion wreath ceremony and ran into an old friend. Glad Eri's presence was with you. Loved the poems, did you write them?

Kate, I hope your tea went well. Waiting to hear how it went.

Manny, going to the gravesite makes everything so final, it is hard. Tears are healing, I went from a person crying once a year for stress, to crying everyday for months when I lost Cara, and still do. I allowed myself to grieve and still do. I know physically we can't talk to our children, but I talk to Cara everyday, I feel she has been with me this whole time, she gives me strength. In my darkest hours, I asked Cara and God for comfort and it has worked for me every time. Christopher will always be with you.

Sandy, I hope you can find some enjoyment today.

Sherry, I all can say is that poor child, that man should not be allowed to have this child without supervision.

Gretchen, thinking about you today, I hope the ceremony for Forest's marker goes well.

JD99501, I have a long way to go in my grief, but I chose to have love in my heart for my daughter, I did not want to be an angry bitter person. Don't let the anger take over your life. Cara was a big part of my world, and still is, I will miss her everyday of my life and there will always be a sadness. I feel thankful that I had her in my life and would do it all over again, even with the pain. We all deal differently, what helped me most, was this site. Please tell us about your son, and share some fond memories of your boy. I hope you can find peace.

Thinking about all of you and wishing you comfort.

Lora

Lora...the Tea went fairly well. We worked hard but it was well worth it as far as the outcome regarding our fundraising. The day turned out to be snowy and very windy. We probably would have had a much better turnout if it had been better for driving. I'm sure you are beat with all the mad shoppers at the store these past few days. Take care of yourself!

Dee....glad that you had a good few days. Hope your Thanksgiving dinner with the kids was fun. I was pleased that you had a good time at the Lion Wreath Ceremony. Running into an old friend is always a pleasure and it's nice to be able to get caught up on their lives.

Gretchen...Thinking of you today. Good luck with Forest's memorial ceremony. The marker is just terrific!

Sandy...thinking of you and hoping today is a bit brighter.

Manny....that goes for you too! Don't be too hard on yourselves...it takes time and patience. Take care.

JD99501...Do not slip into a bitterness due to your loss. I know it can be an easy thing to do. Try to hold on to the lovely memories you hold dear to your heart and keep them close. As we have all mentioned in previous posts...it is a rough road to walk. It takes time and we go through stages at our own pace. Please do not be discouraged. Good luck with the video shoot today.

Carol, Leah, Susan, Becky, Sherry, and all others...sending love and hugs for a decent day.

Kate

[ericasmom]

HI Cara, yes, those are my words. I write a lot of poetry, most of it surrounding loss and much of it surrounding nature. Sometimes the nature of loss. I don't remember what I used to write about before Eri died. It is one way for my heart and spirit to express the journey.

Manny, I know that the trip will indeed replay itself but that the overall goodness of it will strengthen you more than you know. I remember seeing Eri's name engraved in stone, her dates the only clue to those who did not know her, but oh seeing her name, such a pain so deeply felt. How to live fully after this is the question, and the answers will unfold with the days.

The turkey is in the oven and three pies are made, tonight we will share a meal with my Son and his wife who just got back from Louisiana, and with my husband's uncle, whom we love dearly. A big meal to give thanks.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, sorry I thought you had already celebrated Thanksgiving. Have a great time and enjoy those pies! Your poems are heartfelt and moving.

[ericasmom]

No worries at all Kate, there is no way that I can keep up with all of the activities on this site. Have a nice day.

[shellyku]

Good Evening All! I have been reading most every day and posted a Happy Thanksgiving to all on that early morning. Wanted to come back and chat with you.

MPerez13 - so sorry for your loss. Visiting one's child's grave is so surreal...so unnatural, isn't it?

I was at my daughter's this morning to make ready for Christmas decorations, and I find I can't be there but I also don't want to leave her.

Brenda - hope your grandbabies will be ok. I believe one is having dental problems and one is struggling with Daddy being gone. Prayers.

Sandy - so sorry you're feeling discouraged. These are hard times around the Holidays.

Manny - my condolences on the loss of your son.

Carol - I never got to extend my heartfelt sympathies on the loss of your dear Mike. My prayers for strength and comfort are with you.

Colleen - the words you wrote about how you dealt with Brian's death in the beginning were profound.

JD99501 - I can't imagine what it must have been like to find your child gone...devastating.

Susan Marissa's Mom - so sorry for your loss. I pray they find the answers you are looking for.

Becky - hope your neck and arm are feeling better.

Lora - I'm sorry for your loss as well. 5 months is not a long time and you sound like you're keeping busy which I believe helps.

Kate - Hope all is well in Canada...COLD I'm sure. Your son's memorial spot sounds lovely.

Dee - The lion wreath ceremony sounds so cool...must be something to see. I do remember your poem about the table from last year and it is incredible. You're a gifted writer.

For those of you I haven't met or those who don't remember me, my daughter Sarah died 09/18/10 from leukemia. She was 29 years old and left a husband of 7 months (they got married in the hospital). I miss her more than words can express. Since then, her only sibling Jillian had a baby girl named Grace Sarah who is 7 months old now. My father died last month so we've been cleaning out the house that I lived in all my life. My mom died November 22, 2007 so the house will be sold. It is the strangest feeling to go through so many artifacts of a full lifetime of one's parents.

Sad but lovely at the same time.

Sorry for the super-long post, but I haven't touched base here for so long and as I said I do read nearly every day. As it's said in Shawshank Redemption: "I guess I just missed my friend(s)".

Have a lovely evening and I pray for you all each day. Shelly

[ericasmom]

Shelly, it is good to hear from you today. I am glad that you are reading posts and staying in touch. How nice to find you are a Grandmom, congrats to you and the whole family. A lovely Child setting forth this next generation and named for an Auntie that she will learn all about over time. I am sure that Sarah is smiling on her niece, beaming that radiant smile. Blessings.

Sandy, I am sorry that your family dinner was not what you had hoped. It is so very hard to travel the firsts such as Thanksgiving...it simply is glaringly different that first year, everything out of sync. I wish I could make it smoother, make it so that so many things didn't change in one short amount of time, and I will keep your family in my prayers. Remember to be kind to yourself as there are no training manuals as to how to do this journey, there is only this day teaching you what it can and then again the next until you piece together some sort of familiar way of living, and eventually, adding things in as you feel you are ready to do.

Carol, how goes it a few days post Thanksgiving?

Bonnie, Trudi, Betty, Betsy, Leah, how are all of you this holiday?

I wrote to Konnie to tell her that I cannot change font, color, nor size of letters. Is this also happening with you all?

goodnight and peaceful rest

[Guest]

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

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[BrendaDup59]

Hi everyone, well I am finally feeling better , I did go to the ER on Saturday and got some antibiotics and cough meds ,I still have to sleep almost sitting up because every time I try to lay down I start coughing my head off. really frustrating . Kaleb is wanting to get the Christmas decorating started.

Well I was sitting on my bed looking out the window and I happen to see this little squirrel sitting in my tree so I thought I would grab my camera and take a few pictures just as I almost got to my window I looked up and the Copper Hawk landed in the tree that is about 8 feet from my window. so I got some really good pictures of him , I tried to video him but I was so excited I was shaking and I don't think it came out. lol oh well I was just so happy to be able to get another chance to get it's picture , they are so beautiful , I was also glad it wasn't after any of my birds and now I know why the squirrel was sitting so still and in a ball ..

Thanks Sherry and Shelly ,Dee and Kate ,I will keep everyone posted on my granddaughter. my daughter in law is really going to have to get some counseling for Jordan the 5 year old he told her yesterday that when he grows up he is getting a motorcycle so he can go be with his dad , it really upset her and me , Jordan was so close to his daddy ,it is so heartbreaking to see him hurting so bad.

I also got a message from my other daughter in law my middle sons wife (Brett) he has not called or come over since the one visit I didn't even hear from him Thanksgiving , well she sends me a message that they would not be coming over to my moms for Christmas eve and if I would like to come over there I can ,so I ask her why my family and my mom is being treated like this? what has my mom ever done to them? she wrote back nothing she was welcome to come too. it has always been the tradition to go to my moms Christmas eve ,my son has made it very clear he wants nothing to do with us , I am so hurt and angry I am not good enough to get a call any other time but I am welcome at Christmas, I tried to call Brett last week he would not answer the phone. I am just so tired of the emotional roller coaster they keep me on , I just never thought in a million years Brett would turn out like this. I just cant even write back right now. sorry I just really needed to vent . Thanks I hope everyone has a good day. Love Brenda

[Guest]

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