Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Jared, you are loved and missed each day. May your love fill the broken hearts left behind.

[mysonrich]

Jared, we honor you today in the light which still shines today in your memory. Your Mom, Dad and sister, all very strong people, taking steps and a plea for change. Though they are shattered, in small steps , as I have come to read the words of your mom, she has strength in your name to march on. As portrayed in her pictures she knows that you stand beside her. Always.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I taken this section of a passage taken from the autobiography by Mark Twain and placed it on my FB page. Can it be years ago now? Some may recognize it for what it is, the words written that describe what Twain was thinking at the time of his daughters death. WE, the parents on BI or grieving will recognize the meaning and felling behind the words. Others, as we all know, will not grasp the depth of this knowledge. WE will have to endure the words and actions of others in days,months and years to come because they are clueless. But it is something, this knowledge, the death of a child or children that we don't want anyone else to be educated on. if you would like to read Twains work it can be found at google books; http://books.google.com/book

This passage read over the years has helped me in some way. Not in acceptance of Rich’s death. Maybe a help in understanding what I was feeling and living.

"It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live. There is but one reasonable explanation of it. The intellect is stunned by the shock and but gropingly gathers the meaning of the words. The power to realize their full import is mercifully wanting.

The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss--that is all. It will take mind and memory months, and possibly years, to gather together the details and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss. A man's house burns down. The smoking wreckage represents only a ruined home that was dear through years of use and pleasant associations. By and by, as the days and weeks go on, first he misses this, then that, then the other thing. And when he casts about for it he finds that it was in that house. Always it is an essential--there was but one of its kind....

[BrendaDup59]

Jared may your mom and dad & sister feel your love and presence today .

[tantraman8]

Dear Community,

I have been gone for a long time. I apologize for my absence. This grieving and life without Josh is hard to navigate.

For a while I thought I was doing well. I was not in the deep tears every day. My work had created family medical leave, so I was/am working four days a week, instead of five. I had/have been walking every day in the pre-dawn hours, going to my acupuncturist, talking to my best friend daily.

But, the last two days (Monday and Tuesday), I have actually felt suicidal, unlike any other time in my life. I won't, I have three surviving adult children, and I won't send them the message that that course is OK for me to visit upon them. But, anxiety and depression have been powerful visitors these past few days.

It's funny, I have created my life with very few close friends, and as I get older, a possible future is just fading away in my loneliness. For a while after I joined this site, I would read every day and post often and then, I couldn't handle the pain and the messages of never being joyful again.

You see, loving people, I had created a lot of fear, sadness, and loneliness in the tapestry of my life BEFORE Josh passed ( April 25th of this year for those who don't know). Two years previously I had lost my beloved Catherine, the woman I had loved most and who had loved me the best of any partner. So, I know I've lost two huge relationships in a very short time.

But, I believe...still do... that God calls me to live a life where joy and peace, and rich connection with people are the RULE, not the exception. I have done a lot of work around my childhood trauma ( a lot of being raged at, hit, and experiencing that happen to my sibs). But, prior to Josh passing, there still has lingered a tendency to isolate, and to worry.

I am not in a partnership/relationship. So, I come home from work to an empty casita. I know a relationship would not be a panacea, but sometimes it feels like it would be nice to have someone to hold and be held by...AND....I believe that any relationship I try to create would be impacted by my view of life. And, I want a partnership, at some point, that is rich and joyful and playful.

One last thing for this post. Thanks JD's mom for reaching out to invite me back, and Kate, Dee, and Sherry for all the posts that have touched my heart and offered solace in the time I was here.

I am slated to fly back to Ohio in December to be with my three surviving children and my grandchildren. I am NOT looking forward to it, as of now. I LOVE THEM beyond words, and.....I feel like I need to be "together and strong" in there presence because they all have plenty of their own "stuff" to deal with.... kids, finances, relationships, and in my other son Gregg's case, trying to put a sober life together. Other than work right now, I don't feel like I have any joy or peace to GIVE.

Please pray for me people. I am doing everything I know how to heal. For a while it seemed like things were getting lighter. In these last few days, they have been darker than ever before in my life. Again, I apologize for being gone. Hopefully, I will be able to provide encouragement and support to others. Right now, it's good just to let these words pour out.

Love,

David

[517958]

Jared be with your mom today.

[westleysmom]

Jared, sweet boy, you are always loved and missed by your Mom and Dad, Jasmine and many friends.

Becky-Thinking of you all today and hoping that you find a sweet memory to comfort you a little.

[Guest]

Jared/JD, continue to give your mom and family your love and presence today on your 1st Angelversary.

I hope you don't mind Becky, just a little tribute to you and Jared. I see every day the love you have for him and how much you miss him.

[westleysmom]

David-I'm so sorry you are having one of the dark times. I read a book early on, several books really, so I don't remember exactly which one it was in, but a lady in one of them said something about an abyss, and how sometimes she found herself there. That stuck with me and is how I see the times when I feel so low that I can't see the way out. It is the abyss where despair lives, and no matter how far away from it I think I am, just like that, I can fall in it. That was especially true during that first year, which is where you are now. There is no need to apologize for your absence, although I do the same thing because I'm afraid that people will think I don't care when I am not posting, which isn't true. There are just times when I can hardly bear the weight of my own grief, and can't carry any more than what is mine alone. I hope that doesn't sound like I don't care, I do care. As far as isolating from others, I think we all do it to a certain extent. While we share our feelings here with others who understand, grief is a pretty solitary endeavor, because our relationship with our child who is lost was personal, only between us and them. Hang on, dear friend.

Betsy-Thanks for the Mark Twain quote. I may have seen it before, but I want to be sure to save it this time.

Leah-So good to hear from you and crossing my fingers that the program your daughter is in works for her. That is a beautiful picture of the girls, I'm sure you treasure it.

[Jeff's Mom]

Jared, surround your family with your presence and love as this first year is remembered. Becky, sending love and deep felt friendship to you today. Stay strong. (HUGS)

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Dear Community,

I have been gone for a long time. I apologize for my absence. This grieving and life without Josh is hard to navigate.

For a while I thought I was doing well. I was not in the deep tears every day. My work had created family medical leave, so I was/am working four days a week, instead of five. I had/have been walking every day in the pre-dawn hours, going to my acupuncturist, talking to my best friend daily.

But, the last two days (Monday and Tuesday), I have actually felt suicidal, unlike any other time in my life. I won't, I have three surviving adult children, and I won't send them the message that that course is OK for me to visit upon them. But, anxiety and depression have been powerful visitors these past few days.

It's funny, I have created my life with very few close friends, and as I get older, a possible future is just fading away in my loneliness. For a while after I joined this site, I would read every day and post often and then, I couldn't handle the pain and the messages of never being joyful again.

You see, loving people, I had created a lot of fear, sadness, and loneliness in the tapestry of my life BEFORE Josh passed ( April 25th of this year for those who don't know). Two years previously I had lost my beloved Catherine, the woman I had loved most and who had loved me the best of any partner. So, I know I've lost two huge relationships in a very short time.

But, I believe...still do... that God calls me to live a life where joy and peace, and rich connection with people are the RULE, not the exception. I have done a lot of work around my childhood trauma ( a lot of being raged at, hit, and experiencing that happen to my sibs). But, prior to Josh passing, there still has lingered a tendency to isolate, and to worry.

I am not in a partnership/relationship. So, I come home from work to an empty casita. I know a relationship would not be a panacea, but sometimes it feels like it would be nice to have someone to hold and be held by...AND....I believe that any relationship I try to create would be impacted by my view of life. And, I want a partnership, at some point, that is rich and joyful and playful.

One last thing for this post. Thanks JD's mom for reaching out to invite me back, and Kate, Dee, and Sherry for all the posts that have touched my heart and offered solace in the time I was here.

I am slated to fly back to Ohio in December to be with my three surviving children and my grandchildren. I am NOT looking forward to it, as of now. I LOVE THEM beyond words, and.....I feel like I need to be "together and strong" in there presence because they all have plenty of their own "stuff" to deal with.... kids, finances, relationships, and in my other son Gregg's case, trying to put a sober life together. Other than work right now, I don't feel like I have any joy or peace to GIVE.

Please pray for me people. I am doing everything I know how to heal. For a while it seemed like things were getting lighter. In these last few days, they have been darker than ever before in my life. Again, I apologize for being gone. Hopefully, I will be able to provide encouragement and support to others. Right now, it's good just to let these words pour out.

Love,

David

David, you never have to apologize for feeling so down. There is not one of us on this site that is not going through this roller coaster ride of emotions. It could not be otherwise. I am so sorry to see that you are having such a difficult struggle these past few weeks. I am also really pleased to see that you are giving it your best and trying as hard as you can to keep above the dark cloud that is trying to envelop you. And you will do it! Keep posting on this site. Talk about anything you feel you would like to. We all do it. I am glad you are going to visit your children. It will do you the world of good to get away... and there is nothing like the activity of young people to help to lift your gloom. It also will be a golden opportunity to talk to them openly and honestly about how you are really hurting. DO IT! They are your family and they need to know.

You have been hit twice in the last few years by such tremendous loss. This depth of loss would knock anyone off of their pins. Correct me if I am wrong...did you tell us previously that you are a grief counsellor? If so...perhaps listening to so many heartfelt and painful stories at this time is perhaps what is causing this overwhelming sadness and of course it would constantly remind you of your own losses that are so very close to your heart. You will indeed find a sense of peace and a new direction in time. It takes ages. Look at me. It will be three years in December since Jeff died. I am still fighting a constant battle to stay above the depression that is forever at my back door. It takes real hard work. Some days I just alllow it to seep in. And that is OK. As long as I can get up the next and function. I remember you mentioning that you had one or two close friends. Are you able to perhaps become involved in a weekly get together of sorts doing something that you enjoy? Just having that to look forward to can really help. Also, remember that you are never alone as long as you have us. Heck, we have all formed a strange kind of bond here. We are all from so many different walks of life...yet, we all understand and will never walk away. I have been absent the past few weeks due to computer problems and a need to regroup with issues of my own. But I always read and want you to know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well today. Please do not lose hope.

Kate

[Guest]

....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Jared/JD, continue to give your mom and family your love and presence today on your 1st Angelversary.

I hope you don't mind Becky, just a little tribute to you and Jared. I see every day the love you have for him and how much you miss him.

How beautiful and so thoughtful of you! Thank you so much!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[ericasmom]

David, it is good to see you again. I almost did not wonder where you were, knowing that when folks come early after a loss they often need to pull back after a bit in order to go through the next phase. The phases can be like waves that wash us out to sea and we slowly get closer to shore when another wave takes us out again. We need to let ourselves be taken by the waves if we can, it is scary and there are dark dark days where the edge of the horizon is barely decipherable, but if we let our pain be felt fully and do not try to hide it or squelch it, we find what we need out there in the lonely black waters of grief, we find enough to come back in for a while before the next phase and wave come for us again. Each time, as the first year bleeds into the second, each time we find overwhelming pain, we come back with a bit more, a bit more energy and room in our lives to build some of those shattered pieces back together. Our hearts are never the same, but many would argue that they are rebuilt a bit bigger to accommodate the hole that holds a lifetime of memories of our Child. We come back and we stand again, with the light of our Baby shining on us. We are not the same, but we begin to see who we have become and mostly I think, our Children are proud of their parents.

Lora, it is reprogramming for sure. I loved shopping with adn for Erica so when she died, I made sure that I purchased clothing for a girl around her age for the Adopt Holiday Program where we buy things for others who are in need. I bought clothing that I know Erz would have liked for the young lady and while I never get to meet the kids we donate our efforts for, it makes me quite glad to know that in Eri's name, someone or many someones, have gifts to open for the holidays. Eri loved the holidays.

Be well all, going to do some grading.

[aim630]

Jared-Remembering you today in heaven.Send your mom and family a sign to let them know you are near.

Becky-Beautiful tributes to Jared, both the pictures and poems. Sending you and your family hugs today.

[daveydow1]

David----Glad to se your post, but also very sorry that you are in

that black hole that we all know can be waiting just around the

corner. No need to apologize for being away from BI. After being

here, along with Dee, for these 9 years, most everyone who has

come to this site has felt the need to just step back and not be

on the site, because of the sorrow and pain that can overwhelm

us. Whenever you need to step back, you will always be welcomed

when you feel you can return to BI. Sometimes.....especially in the

first painful and sorrowful year, one feels just that they cannot really

participate in the site, and that is definitely ok. You must go along---

on this unwanted road of grief.....at your own pace, and take it one

day at a time. As Dee said.....this journey can feel like waves pushing

us, and pulling us. Just try to take care of yourself, and get enough

rest. I wish you peace and comfort, as you navigate this road after

the loss of your beloved son, Josh. Thoughts & prayers, friend.

Amy------Good to see Ashley's sweet smile.

Kate----Also, good to see your post. How's the weather 'up north' ?

It's warm here now, but is to turn colder in a day or two. Leaves are

in full color.

We have been cleaning up the garden, as it is done for the year now.

I cooked the last of the beets (small ones), but they were very good.

My husband picked all the gourds. Only thing left is the pumpkins.

They will be for the grandies for Halloween.

Dee----

Sorry that you have the cold/allergies. I hope that you get some

relief soon. It seems that everyone is getting sick...even before the flu

season gets here. I'm still battling with the infection (am on antibiotics)

& dental problems.

Great-----they can put a man on the moon, but dental procedures seem

to be still in the dark ages.....in a lot of cases. Painful..... but to be

'modern'.... so expensive.

Take care.

Becky-----Thinking of you today, and wishing you peace, as you honor

your sweet son, Jared.

Rhonda----

Good to see your post, and Westley's nice smile.

WISHING PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Angel'sSon]

Love this, Greg! I like the cross picture too. God bless you for being here on this site for so long. Thanks, Sherry for posting a remembrance to Jared. I appreciate all of you here so much!

Remembering Jared today and always!!!!! I miss my son more and more each day!!!! This is so hard to accept!!!!

[heartbeataway]

David,

I don't post often, mostly lurk.

But, your post made me want to respond and let you know that we are listening ( with our eyes) and I personally am sending you light and positive energy.

I remember a time when I felt the same way ...... life seemed too sad, too overwhelming and I just didn't know that I had the energy or the will to trudge through that heavy wet sand that seemed to be the path of my grief journey.

My husband, who I love dearly, changed my thinking. He first told me he understood, he didn't know if or how life was going to compensate our loss either. But, he asked how I could do "this" to he and the other folks who love me. He said he didn't know how he could handle losing me.

He made a vow to be there for me and ask me to be there for him. When I thought I couldn't do "this" anymore and dark thoughts entered my mind, call him and he would always do his best to be there. He kept his word to me. There were many times I called him while traveling or in a meeting and he answered.

Try and let your fellow Indigos do that for you. You may feel that life is too heavy but try to stop and think of those who do love you and call on them. They share your loss and your sweet memories.

I send you the best and pray you find hope to make your dark days brighter ......

[Sholl1955]

Friends I just feel like i need to write and apologize for a post I wrote 2 days ago. I wrote in depth about the pain my little 5 year old grandaugter is experiencing since the loss of her mama, my daughter on March 14th,2012. I am afraid i may have offended parents who have lost their children before they had the opportunity to Marry and give them grandchildren. My babies are in pain and grieving hard and I am thankful to have them, I just did not mean to offend anyone who may grieving the loss of every having grandbabies. I want to be sensitive to others feelings too. I also belong to Compassionate Friends and know many of them also lost their loved one before that had children. I am so sorry if I offended anyone sharing about my babies.

Sincerely

Sandy

[BrendaDup59]

Friends I just feel like i need to write and apologize for a post I wrote 2 days ago. I wrote in depth about the pain my little 5 year old grandaugter is experiencing since the loss of her mama, my daughter on March 14th,2012. I am afraid i may have offended parents who have lost their children before they had the opportunity to Marry and give them grandchildren. My babies are in pain and grieving hard and I am thankful to have them, I just did not mean to offend anyone who may grieving the loss of every having grandbabies. I want to be sensitive to others feelings too. I also belong to Compassionate Friends and know many of them also lost their loved one before that had children. I am so sorry if I offended anyone sharing about my babies.

Sincerely

Sandy

Sandy, I worry also about sharing info about my grandchildren , like you I have to watch my grand children suffer after losing their father who was such a big part of their life, he was more of the stay at home daddy, my 5 year old GS has seem to take it the hardest.I some times write and will read what I wrote and will erase the whole thing because of not wanting to seem to brag about them.Like you I want to be sensitive to others..Take Care Brenda

[mikesmomrs]

BONNIE: So good to hear from you and to see your sweet boy and his "sunshine scrubbed" face and smile. I do remember those words that you posted before, about Rich asking you those questions and the promises made and kept. There were days when I read your posts and I knew it took every fiber of your strength to push your fingers onto the keys. Thank you for being there, and for being here now, even if only reading...but your now and then posts, like today, lend so much to someone in need.

DAVID: I am so very sorry that you are in such a dark place...yes, the "abyss," I remember Trudi naming that awful place at one time...a place that waits for us all. I am in and out of that place right now...falling in many times a day, remembering, crying, remembering, smiling, remembering, longing. My present sorrow is like that of yours when you lost your sweet Catherine, as I have just lost my precious spouse, Mike, and yours is now like that of when we lost our sweet son, Mike, in 2006....and now these sorrows for each of us are mingling and causing our hearts to ache unbelievably and endlessly. I offer my prayers for you, and agree with and believe in your statement "But, I believe...still do... that God calls me to live a life where joy and peace, and rich connection with people are the RULE, not the exception." I do hope that each day beings each of us closer to that place where the abyss is not present for a while...maybe to a point where we won't see it for days on end...could that be? Oh, I know it can...I have reached that place before, and through faith, love and support, especially of those here and that of my family, I will again, and so will you, David, so will you. You are held close in my heart in prayers and sending good thoughts for strength. Keep posting, we are here for you. We are here for each other.

BECKY: I wasn't here earlier today (still running around, erasing my hubby's name from all that is legal, but never, ever from the one thing that counts...my heart) but have thought of you today, many times, and your baby, Jared. I love the picture you did of the memorial stone and all of you there. Thank you so much for sharing. You do some beautiful work with photos. The collection of poems, tears as I read them, each one speaking of your sorrow and knowing it well from my own. Sharing the words, though, beautiful and a gift from your heart.

DEE/SHERRY: I had the first of my dental work done...(thank you Dee for sending the energy) two fillings, one in the front and one on the side. The front one was extensive, and the novacaine spread up through my eye socket and, weirdly, really messed up my sinuses for the rest of the day...sneezing uncontrollably at times, my nose running and my not even being able to feel it...just a mess, until well into the evening. But, the procedures themselves were not as bad as I had thought, and in fact, turned out quite well. I had let some real needs go while taking care of hubby, and I thought in fact that I might even lose the front one that was filled. I do still need bridge repair on the other side, though, but need to apply to the Community Dental program here as there is no way I can afford it at regular prices, even with my dental insurance. DEE: I do hope your cold is better...that is actually what I thought was wrong with me yesterday...a sudden onset of a terrible cold, but the continued, almost unstoppable sneezing clued me in that it was something else. Thank heavens that finally stopped.

KATE: I do imagine it is getting cold up there...it's not been too bad here, though poor Kim, who is still, blessedly, still here, has been shivering. Her fiance told her that today it was supposed to be near 90 (she lives in Norfolk, VA) and she misses that warmth. She will be going home soon (likely next week) but oh, how grateful I am and blessed that she has been here this long. It has been very difficult going it alone, and having her by my side has made it doable. Legal errands and follow-up phone calls to those errands have about run me into the ground, but I think I am nearing the finish line. Well, except for the SIX MONTH wait that the VA has told me it will take before they approve or disapprove of my application for continuation of hubby's VA benefits that were my portion of them.

LORA: Such a beautiful picture you put together for Becky of JD...nice work. I too dread the winter coming. Usually, hubby and I kind of hunker down and try to ride it out by not going out into the weather any more than we needed to. My hunkering down will be alone now, and I will try to pull on the the many memories I am blessed with of those years when he was here with me. I know summer will come again, and for that I am thankful.

BETSY: how are things going with you? Thinking of you and sending strength and love.

GREG: Love the cross, so beautifully made. I didn't know that about Gaughan, either. I do have a writing from Abraham Lincoln that especially speaks of the sorrows that he has suffered and how he describes that these will subside over time, and he knows this because he is "experienced in" this...great and comforting words from a great man.

LEAH: I too was glad to hear that your daughter is in rehab and pray that this will be a good, forward step for her. I also pray for good fortune in your efforts to gain custody of your grandson. Thank you, by the way, for your prayers and support through these recent weeks/months. With all that you have to deal with, it was so very kind of you to be there, offering your love and comfort.

KATHY: Thank you for the beautiful poem. I can't believe the pics of Tavian...wow! He sure has grown some this past year! You are doing a great job with him, Kathy. How is BJ doing? Are those his posts I see sometimes on FB?

SANDY: Oh, I am so sorry for Sarah's little ones...missing their mama and the pain you are feeling over not being to bring her back to them. I can remember holding Mike's two older boys that first Christmas without their dad...they were 8 and 9 (his baby was only 18 months and did not remember his daddy). It was the first Christmas after losing their daddy (in Oct of 06) and the first time they broke down and cried and cried. We sat there on the floor, on Christmas day, holding each other and crying, their little bodies shaking with sobs. It was good for them, though, and afterwards we were able to have a reasonably happy Christmas day with them. I am so sorry for Sarah's babies having to listen to other's cries for their mommy being answered while they continue to wonder where their own mommy is and why isn't she coming to them. Prayers to you and for them, as well. No, you aren't droning, my dear, just being a mom grieving for her baby and helping her baby's babies cope...bless you for that. Prayers, too, for GRETCHEN's son, and your daughter, that they will see the answers aren't in the places they are looking, and for strength for them to find the strength within themselves.

GRETCHEN: i am so very sorry you are having to see your son, Logan, go through this...I pray he finds the strength to overcome this sad road he finds himself on. Our grandson, Davis, has been through a lot of the same bad choices, but has been doing really well and I pray that your son will find this strength too. I do know how worried it can make you, though, and send my love to you.

BRENDA: Love the pictures of the birds, really beautiful. I agree with Dee, perhaps you can find someplace to publish them?

GREG: So sorry I did not post about Brian on September 30th. I pray the day was kind to you and that you felt Brian's presence even more than you usually do. the picture of Alyssa...wow...she is growing so very fast. I know that Brian is so very proud of her...and of you, for all that you do.

Time to go...still a lot of paperwork to tend to, wonder if I will ever reach the end of it? I do have a great story to share, though, about my car. I will post it tomorrow. Hoping to sleep some tonight. Love to all here, and know that I think of and pray for you all.

[mikesmomrs]

PS: TO SANDY AND BRENDA: Please don't ever think that you have to not post about your feelings and sorrows for your grandbabies...this subject has been broached here before, many times, and it is understood that we all have our own path to follow, and yes, some here have not seen their babies have babies, but that doesn't mean that we cannot speak of such. We all here offer support to each other, and we all bring different mixes to this site...some of us have grandchildren and some of us don't and some of us have older children who never had children yet, but we are here for each other. I know that I speak for the others here, as this, as I have said, has been brought up before and we want to hear from each other, to help each other, and we can't do that if we don't know what you are needing comfort for. Watching our grandbabies suffer the loss of their parent is very painful, but sharing our pain and our joys here is what we do. Please don't feel you have to stifle those feelings and not seek support and comfort for them.

love to you both...

Carol

[Angel'sSon]

Friends I just feel like i need to write and apologize for a post I wrote 2 days ago. I wrote in depth about the pain my little 5 year old grandaugter is experiencing since the loss of her mama, my daughter on March 14th,2012. I am afraid i may have offended parents who have lost their children before they had the opportunity to Marry and give them grandchildren. My babies are in pain and grieving hard and I am thankful to have them, I just did not mean to offend anyone who may grieving the loss of every having grandbabies. I want to be sensitive to others feelings too. I also belong to Compassionate Friends and know many of them also lost their loved one before that had children. I am so sorry if I offended anyone sharing about my babies.

Sincerely

Sandy

I don't see a reason for an apology. My son has 2 nieces that are having to go to counseling since he passed away. They are my grandchildren and I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned them. one is 17 the other is 11. To me this is a place for us all to get out feelings out. I will tell you that today has been a terrible day for me. I miss my son really bad. I'm just going to say that you have not offended me in any way!!!!! huggsss, Sandy

[mikesmomrs]

SUSAN: I am so sorry that you had a terrible day today (Wednesday). Holding you close and sending love and strength.

[tantraman8]

Dear All of my loves in the BI community who welcomed me back and, once again, provided the empathy and understanding that is balm to my soul. Thank you, more than words can adequately express.

I am currently on Family Medical Leave from work. The way this unfolds for me, is that instead of working five days a week and seeing 25 patients, I work four and see 20. I have an extra day (Friday) ,each week, to potentially recharge, receive, create gentleness, to find joy outside of work, to heal.

Often, I find myself feeling VERY ANXIOUS about that time. How do I fill all of that unstructured time. How do I keep the void, the "not Josh" from devouring me???

For years, I have heard, known, glimpsed the expression of "being in the moment." They are easy words to roll out in print, or to say, but actually doing it, actually experiencing the possibility of being able to to choose how I am creating my life; almost a foreign experience/concept.

I TRULY believe JOSH wants me to live a joyful, peaceful life. It was not the life I was creating before he passed. Funny, but during the HUGELY DARK days of Monday and Tuesday of this week, it feels like I was faced with a choice....change how I create my life or leave this world. Since leaving this world would send a terrible message to my three surviving children, and would mean that my "old life script" had won/crushed me, I am choosing to move toward choosing peace and joy. Not sure how to do that AND to continue releasing the sadness and trauma in my body, but the old way of being is no longer tolerable.

Again, Carol, Kate, Dee, Brenda, Heartbeat, Becky, and anyone I missed, I feel your love and I send mine to you as well. I am SOOOOOO grateful for your presence on my path.

Love,

David

[Jeff's Mom]

Good Morning, everyone. Well, it is one of those days. I woke up to a howling wind outside and a driving rain pelting on the windows. The kind of stuff that makes you want to bury yourself deeper under the comforter and just get cozy for the day. Miserable weather pattern has hit coming from Alberta. They actually had quite a bit of snow yesterday in Calgary. It won't last, but it makes for a somewhat lousy long weekend for people planning road trips.

The good news is that the winds swirled the leaves in our yard into piles! It has never happened like that before. Now the need for raking is no longer. I can just scoop them up into bags. The rest we will mulch with the riding lawn mower. Thanks Jeff! He knew how I hated doing that.

Oh my goodness, as I look out I now see it is snowing fairly hard. Oh well, can't be helped. We had a long and beautiful season.

I am so sorry to see that many are having such a difficult period this past few weeks. I think of you all often.... and I hope that in some way a little bit of cheer will find its way into your life if even just for a few moments. It helps to give hope that this sadness will slowly begin to lift and life will start to take form again. It is a hard battle to fight.

Thinking of you all and wishing you a decent day.

Love, Kate

[bus1851]

Happy birthday my little baby girl. Words cannot express how much we miss you. You are always on our minds and in our hearts. Saddly missed by mommy, daddy, Kenna, Cooper and Colby our little angel Marley.

[westleysmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Sweet Baby Girl Marley, forever loved and missed.

CJ-Thinking of you and your whole family today. Hope you find a beautiful memory of your sweet baby girl Marley that brings a smile to your face.

[ericasmom]

Wow CJ, so good to see you here today but oh we know the ache of Marley's birthday and the sadness of her loss. Our thoughts and prayers.

How is the family doing? How are you fairing? I often think of you and wonder what is new in your world and how you are finding ways to go forward.

Peace to you CJ

[JD's Mom, Becky]

First, thank you so much, all of you here, for helping me through the first year after losing my child, Jared (J. D.) There have been many times I just read, and couldn't post for the heartache I was in, but I hope I have let you see a bit of what I am missing. Jared was such a precious gift to me, and I am beyond blue and beyond devastated by his loss, and I think I would have lost my mind if not for this list.

David, I am so glad you are back. I was really worried about you, but I am so happy that you have found a way to take another step. It's so hard, and we understand that better than anyone. I know in June, when I was facing my neck surgery, I felt like if I didn't wake up from it that I would be just fine with that. I wouldn't purpose to leave here sooner than whatever my intended time is, but I wouldn't be upset by leaving either. My husband and daughter were a bit upset with me for talking that way, but it's how I felt, and still feel to an extent. It is so hard to find happiness after this kind of loss. We can function and give the appearance of being "ok" but we're not at all ok.

Carol, God bless your heart, always finding the time to address each one of us, You are so precious!

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Baby Marley!

Kate, you have snow?? Wow, it's been so hot and hazy here this week, with temps in high 80's but feeling like 90's with the humidity. I like fall weather, even though our tragedy happened in the fall, somehow it makes me feel closer to Jared to be outside and experience the change in season. I only have felt that when I go out to take my sunset pictures, as in the daytime, it is still hot, but evenings a bit cooler. Had to wear my jacket a week ago, when I was taking the sunset pictures.

Lora, I posted the picture you made for JD on my facebook, crediting you, (Just Lora from my grief group). That was soo thoughtful, and many liked it!

[daveydow1]

Bonnie------So good to see Jason's radiant smile. Your words are so

true and encouraging. In the back of our minds, I guess that we know

we must go forward after the death of a beloved child, but we don't always

feel that we can, or even want to. But,...as you say.....the others in our

families still need us, and we have the knowledge that our child who has

left this world would want us to move forward.....just as we would want

them to go forward if we had left before them. Thanks for your post.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY.... SWEET BABY ....MARLEY.

CJ.......SENDING THOUGHTS & PRAYERS.

Sandy-----No need to apologize about posting about the grandies. We

all understand. While my son, David, died without being married, or

leaving any children.....I do have other grandchildren. This site is a

mixture of people in all situations, and everyone is welcome to come

and express anything that they want to talk about. I am sorry for your

loss of your beloved daughter Sarah. Peace and comfort to you, friend.

Kate----Yikes....SNOW ! Soon it will be time to get out all the winter "woolies",

flannel sheets, coats/hats etc. It won't be long.

Carol.......Yep....Dental work is sooooo very expensive. Glad to hear your

filling went ok. I know my dental bill will probably look like the national

debt. ....and no insurance. Oh well....what choice do we have, huh?

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry and Becky, yes, we had a wet snow on and off all day. Strong winds blowing off of the lake and huge waves. This is the first time I can remember snow this early. Just last weekend I was out walking in capris and sandals. Hard to believe. Thank heaven I was able to plant my spring bulbs in time. Just got in under the wire. A strange but strong weather system moving in from the Arctic and the West.

Spent the day putting my summer things away and getting ready for this weekend. I decided to prepare a warm and comforting meal for this evening. Settled in after dinner to watch X Factor. They are really good this year. Also enjoying The Voice. There is a lot of great talent out there. Hard to find a fave. BUT I have a few. We shall see.

David...hope you are doing ok this evening. I wish I could figure out how to PM you. I'm hopeless on this thing. Please know that we are here and do care.

Leah...if you are reading? How are you? Hope everyone is holding up ok. How is your Mom?

Carol...So glad to see that Kim is still with you. I know you will miss her when she leaves. She sounds like a real gem. If you read this Kim...you are a real sweetheart.

Maddy...got your pm...having trouble with computer. Keep in touch.

Susan....how is Ragan. Are you ok?

Jilly, how are you?

Dee...hope you are ok.

Well, must take the dog out for her nightly....hope I don't get blown into the lake. Sleep well everyone. Hugs to all.

Kate

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends.... Carol. thank you, Tavian has grown so much, taller then me now....Yes, that is my son you see now and again on FB...he is doing GREAT ... he and his girlfriend, Dawn, bought a house and just got a new (new to them) Blazer....she has a great job at the hospital (she is a nurse) and right now he is a stay-at-home Dad...LOL - however, he is looking for a job for night time as day care is expensive and Dawn has such a great job...She is so sweet and I hear talk of a possible wedding in the future !!! I am so proud of him, he has been clean over 8 months now - I know it is one day at a time and I still worry but I stay upbeat and very positive when we talk...Thanks for asking

Sandy - No need ever to apologize here for how you are feeling....When we lost our daughter Jessica Feb. 18, 2006 she left behind her son Tavian who was 4 at the time....hubby and I have full custody of him and I have shared everything about him since I came here in 2007.....Those here came to be known as the "virtual grandma's" - they have watched him grow for the past 6 years from a 4 year old to a now 10 year old.....They got me through so many hard times when I didn't know how I could do one more day, so much wisdom here and I am and always will be thankful.....I will continue to share Tavian and hopefully the day will come when I post pics of him going off to college, traveling and some day falling in love....I for one love to hear of all grandchildren, siblings, nieces, nephews...everyone anyone wants to talk about.....So talk on sweet lady, talk on

We had very sad news a few days ago...the first time in the history of the High School here that a young man of just 16 years old took his own life...98% sure it was from being bullied for being gay - I am just heartbroken for him and his family. There is an Anti-Bullying Program at the school and they said he attended his first meeting last week, they said he did not have much to say but seemed to be very nice..... I am so angry at the amount of bullying that is going on in this world today, all of these young people taking their lives because of others negativities, racist thoughts and actions... Another family suffering - please say a prayer for them

I am very tired so I will say good nite....will be going camping tomorrow through Sunday, our last trip for the year...will take pics and post them....Love, peace and strength, Kathy, Jessica's mom always....missing you my girl

[Guest]

..

[shorty16]

David

I too took Family Medical Leave for over a year I worked 32 hours. The Friday allowed me to see my counselor and just rest from the lack of energy.

I see so many new postings from parents who find themselves in a life they no longer recognize.

Our family is doing fine. I think Aaron has lost his anger - has a full-time job - and is taking 2 classes at MATC. I am so proud of him. He floundered for a long time after Brian's death. Anger and rage were his companions. He seems to have dealt with those demons.

Michelle is also doing well. She started a new job as a care-giver for a privately-owned assisted living center. She is going to school for nursing with an ephasis in geriatrics (sp). She seems to like it - her comment "I have really learned patience waiting for these old people all the time."

It is amazing how much progress our family has made in the last 4 years. From utter sadness and destruction to actually living our lives again.

Thanks to all my friends here, I can say we are doing about right.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[ericasmom]

Lora, so sad about the boy in your town. Prayer.

Kate and others, you can PM folks by cli cking on thier photo and go to their page, PM is right there.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Dee, will do. I agree with you Colleen that time does help to heal a broken heart. And it does take a considerable amount of time and patience. It is good to see that you and your family are making headway in this grieving process. I think it helps to give hope to those that are new to this journey that this pain will indeed soften in time. It has taken me almost three full years to finally shake off the shock of losing my son under these horrible circumstances. We too are making progress, but I must say it is a difficult process most of the time. I have made some very surprising changes to my life that are a definite result to losing my son. Baby steps is all I can really handle at this time. Anything else is far too overwhelming and scary.

Well, I woke up this morning to a beautiful sight. Except...who asked for this? A mix of fall colours contrasted against the first snowfall. Many leaves had fallen over the past few days due to strong winds. The trees were breathtaking. Coated in white snow. We just came back inside to warm up after shaking as much as we could off of the trees that had branches laden and touching the ground. It is a heavy wet snow and many branches have broken off of our ornamental trees. It won't last more then a day, but has done some real damage. It is heading to the Whiteshell and Lake of the Woods. This is a really strong system and driving is not advised. Guess I'll push up my sleeves and do some serious baking for the Church luncheon following the service on Sunday. Tomorrow the forecast is calling for sun and warmer temps. Just in time for Thanksgiving.

Sending warm thoughts to all.

Kate

[Angel'sSon]

My son, Dustin has been gone for a little over 7 weeks. I know I had a dream about him last night, but I Just can't remember it. Having a dream about Dustin and remembering it would be a dream come true for me. I've slept all day. At least when I'm sleeping, I don't think about him constantly. I want the pain to end and I don't know when it will happen. The days are so long. Just doing nothing but think about my son. I hate this feeling of numbness. I get on here and read other comments and it does help to relate that I'm not alone and it will get better. It's just not knowing when the thinking about wanting Dustin back will get better!! It hurts so bad not having him here. I've lost my best friend. We could talk to each other about any and everything. So, I keep all my feelings in my mind and I don't let them out until I see my counselor, which only helps when I'm talking to her. I come back home and it starts all over again. This wasn't suppose to happen. I don't understand how it could happen. I have times that I feel so alone. Life is terrible, but I can't be with Dustin and I can't bring him back. If I could just hear, MOM, I LOVE YOU one more time!!! I feel that my heart is breaking a little more each day. Thanks for listening!!!!!!

[tantraman8]

Dear Susan,

I'm only a little bit more than five months in. My son, Josh, passed away on April 25th of this year. I am SO sorry for your loss. At seven weeks in, I was back at work and the "being busy" forced me to focus on something other than the huge pain of my not being able to call my son, or ever hug him again. Until last night, I was taking meds to sleep and sometimes meds for anxiety. Our loss, yours and mine is SO HUGE. I don't think about Josh all the time now, but the "missing him deeply" is still there and physically, it is challenging to get through each day.

I was gone from this site for a while, but it is one of my main supports, so glad you are here, not for the reason, but there are amazingly loving people here and your deep feeling of being ALONE is the most challenging for me. I post on Facebook too and often, when I do, people who love me either "like" my posts, or comment with words of love and support. I also started a journal of sorts, entitled "Letters to Joshua." At first, I wrote almost every day. Then, in my numbness and exhaustion, I didn't write for days. But, whenever I do, it helps to get my thoughts and feelings down on paper.

I think (time is distorted still for me) that I started a deep heart cry today, but there are days when I don't find myself thinking of Josh.

I could write more about my experience, but the main thing I want you to know is that I HAD to respond to your post, to let you know I GET the indescribable ache, and that I care.

I also believe that Josh wants me to live a more joyous, peaceful and connected life than I was living before he passed. I'm working harder to take care of myself than ever before and I think Dustin would want you to be gentle with yourself. Early on, I told myself there was no way I could " do this grieving wrong."

Sending love from Tucson,

David

[ericasmom]

Susan, be kind to yourself, this is a very difficult spot on your grief timeline. When we feel numb and unable to feel any life within it is hard to manage the day to day, those long days feel like a ridiculous waste of time but without your even noticing it right now, you are healing just a bit at a time. Healing does not mean getting over grief, healing means learning how to live with grief. Dave says that there is no wrong way to grieve and I agree, as long as you are not harming yourself, you grieve the way you need. If it is staying in your pajamas all day and not going out then that is what you need to do. YOu are going to therapy which is a huge step and while it feels that it only helps while there, that is an hour that is better than had you not gone so those tiny increments of help will one day add up to more and more. The tools we learn in therapy and here with others who 'know' become the tools that help us build strategies to survive and eventually to live full and productive lives again. I wish you some peace on this day.

[ericasmom]

Well if the hummingbirds had not yet left today would be the day to take cover. Our high was 50 early on and it dipped into the freezing temps last evening. Tomorrow is the Marathon in the city and it promises to be cool which is great for the runners.

It sure is quiet here today. Hope everyone is doing as well as you can. Know that when seasons change you may experience a new rawness to your grief...it is normal in this new world you find yourselves. It is another sign of time passing without our Baby. One day the seasonal changes might make you smile again as it does for me because it indicates that indeed the world does move forward and the cycle of life continues.

If you are up late, watch Saturday Night Live and watch for Cecily Strong, one of Erica's dear friends. SHe has been on quite a lot for a new cast member. I am going to take a nap so that I am able to watch for Cecily. My cold is slowly getting better and I went to the doc yesterday just to make sure it was not an infection; sinus, ear...it isn't but it sure kicked my butt.

[tantraman8]

Hey Dee and BI Family,

Rough day, rough week. Not sure how much more I can take. Found out today that my second son, Gregg, has left the 3/4 way house and, is apparently in relapse. What this elicits in me is the fear of losing a second son in one year. I know I'm jumping the gun here. Just have had so much loss in the last two and a half years, (mate and son), still so physically compromised after losing Josh, ( IBS, anxiety, sleep difficulties, bouts of depression). I'm not sure I would be strong enough to choose to stay in the world if I lost another son in the near future. Please prayers from all, for myself, for my son.

This journey takes SO MUCH energy...exhausting, fearful, and poor sleep...YUUCH!

[BrendaDup59]

David, I am so sorry your having to go through this with your son, I will keep you both in my prayers, my son Brett has not spoken to me going on 7 months and it hurts... it hurts bad .. to think my own son would treat me like this at the worst time in my life, but I also know he has his own demons to deal with. all we can do David is pray ..and take care of yourself.. you still have other people who love you. Take Care Brenda

[Angel'sSon]

David and Dee,,, As I read your posts, I do need to learn how to deal with grief. I'm finding myself sleeping more and I don't think sleeping is the answer. I truly believe that Dustin would want me to move forward. I get on facebook everyday and post a lot about him. I know he would not like that. But, it's a way of holding on to him. I know I have to let go and I'm not wanting to do that. I read on here about how long it takes to get through a grieving process and what I read is different for individuals. I want to be able to laugh and talk about the good times with my son. I can't bring myself to do that! Our losses are so hard and I still say, why and how!!!

David....My counselor talked to me about writing a journal when I was ready. There's no way I can focus on doing that now. I want to write for Dustin's Baby Girl, 10 months old and give it to her at a later point in life. Being here makes me feel like I'm not alone!!!

Dee...I did stay in my pajamas today. I believe as far as going to my counselor and being on here, I have to say that being on here is helping me more. Probably because I can get on here whenever I want and just read all the posts and write. That's what's helping.

Today, hasn't been any better. I know in time the grieving will become less. I don't think it helps that I've been on meds. for depression and anxiety, sleep for years. My depression has taken over along with the grief, if that makes sense.

Mom wanted me to come to her house and eat supper earlier today and I just couldn't get out. She does understand me not wanting to get out or do anything. She knows how close me and Dustin were. I just still have trouble with is this real?? yes, it is!!

David and Dee....Thanks and I'm sorry for your losses!!!! I'm always so afraid that the things I write don't makes any sense!!!

[Angel'sSon]

Hey Dee and BI Family,

Rough day, rough week. Not sure how much more I can take. Found out today that my second son, Gregg, has left the 3/4 way house and, is apparently in relapse. What this elicits in me is the fear of losing a second son in one year. I know I'm jumping the gun here. Just have had so much loss in the last two and a half years, (mate and son), still so physically compromised after losing Josh, ( IBS, anxiety, sleep difficulties, bouts of depression). I'm not sure I would be strong enough to choose to stay in the world if I lost another son in the near future. Please prayers from all, for myself, for my son.

This journey takes SO MUCH energy...exhausting, fearful, and poor sleep...YUUCH!

I really hope that Gregg will be alright!!!! You will get prayers from me for you and Gregg. I didn't know you also lost your mate. You've been through a lot!! I guess we all have. Prayers for you, David!!!!!

[ericasmom]

Dave, I will send positive energy your way, hoping that your Boy does not drift far off his mark, sounds like he has had a struggle and does not want to manage it right now, we get that don't we? Prayers and hope for him, for you, may he feel the love of his Brother and turn himself back around somehow.

Susan, you will move forward, you will, it is just not today is all. We all move differently, just as our kids are all different so are we. We do what we can to get through the days at first, and then when we feel hungry for the outdoors, we step outside and take it all in. Right now you are already on sensory overload, so adding driving, conversation, all of the energy it takes to do these things is not on your 'to-do' list. Dustin will want you to move on and you will, but you will have to do this on your timeline. I am over 9 years on this walk Dear, so I know that each of us takes the steps they can when they can. We push ourselves when we feel ready.

Brenda, good to see your orange-self today.

Sleep well Folks-

[mikesmomrs]

Up late...mind in a whirl, but came on to read and saw your posts, David and Susan, and just want to offer my prayers for both of you. I think of my BI family in my prayers often, but will keep you both especially on the forefront now...DAVID: I am so sorry about Gregg. The worry about those of our children still on this earth who are making bad decisions and we can't help does indeed use up our energy and our minds tend to be filled with worry about them. Our grandson, who has lived with us most of his life (he is now 27), and does now, has had a rocky 8-10 years and there were a few times over the last 3-4 that we thought we were going to lose him. When his uncle died, he especially was inconsolable (they were more like brothers) and then a friend died, and then before he could recover from that, another very close friend died last year in May. The brother of this last friend is a severe depressive/alcoholic and our grandson was trying to hard to help him, but he (the friend) has been that way for nearly 10 years and he has not yet reached a stage where he is willing to accept help or to help himself. Our grandson, in his effort to stay sober and drug free, has had to step away from him so that he can seek and maintain his own drug free status. He slipped up, badly, early last year, and has been on the straight and narrow now for almost a year...last year at this time we had to lock him out of the house and it was the hardest couple of months of our lives. My husband was in the hospital most of the month of December, and it was SO hard to not let Davis just come here and be out of the cold, but thank God, we prevailed and he came through it. His grandfather (my husband) dying the end of August brought new worries to my mind and heart and we (his mom and my other daughter) have been trying to keep him in our close sights to be there to help him get through this. So far, he is staying clean, but it is a daily worry for me, as he navigates this new sorrow that is holding him hostage. I am so sorry about Gregg and do pray that he will find his way again and help himself, as well as pray for strength for you to walk this painful path.

SUSAN: It is as DEE has said, we do need to do this in our own timeline and I am so glad that your mom seems to be understanding of your need to just "be" for now and that really helps you to not feel "pressured" into wearing that awful mask that we find ourselves wearing when we need to be "on" and just can't find it in ourselves to push that button to get ourselves going. You will find your joy again; it will take time, and it will take "your" time, not anyone else's. I can still remember the first time I laughed after our son died...I stopped short and looked around before I realized it was me laughing and I couldn't believe the sound came from me. One of the things that our son said to me before he died is actually in my signature on my posts: "Mom, you can't die because I do." The day he said that to me, I was having an especially hard day, as we knew we did not have much more time with him...we actually only had a couple of more months after that...and it saddened me to my core to know that time was running out. Even though Mike had been married for 18 months when he died, he and I were especially close throughout his life and I thought my world had ended when he left this earth. It had, actually. The world I knew before his illness and death ended for me and I had to find a new one to live in. I am still trying to smooth the edges of that new normal, and now I must add the sorrow of losing my husband to that search for a new normal for me. When our son Mike died, we had each other to lean on, to draw strength from, but now with my husband gone, the source of my heartbeat is gone and it is so hard some days to even keep breathing. I do so because I know that is what they want. Dee has often said "We have to stand where they cannot," and this has caused me, many days, to find that last bit of strength within to get my heart started and find my breath again, even if only for that day. I will think about tomorrow when it comes, and though it is so very hard to do that (not think about tomorrow, today) I find that it does help to try to keep myself in this moment. Thinking about my life without my son and my husband is a thought I just can't deal with most times, and I have to force myself to focus, focus. If that means I have to stay in my pajamas all day, or even in bed, then so be it.

My prayers for both of you are that you will find that inner strength that the memories of your sweet ones will provide for you, and when you do you will recognize it and treasure it and hold onto it for dear life. For now, your sorrow is too painful and raw, but you will, eventually, find your sorrow is a bit softer, a bit less piercing, and you will find that joy again. Your babies are with you, always, and they surround you with their own joy...please try to keep that in mind on those days/times when you can't think of anything except how much pain you are in.

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Lora, I am irritated too with all the hype of holidays long before their real season. Makes me mad. I think that the moon is doing a number on us, almost everyone I know and love had a hard time yesterday, bad moods, sad moods, agitated. Hopefully today will hold us in better stead.

Carol, so good to see you and read you today. I think of you all the time and wonder if today may have had some goodness to it, if balance returns if by minutes, but returns a bit to help you realize that the steps you are putting down are good steps. While we all root for you we also all admire your strength, the ability to carry your messages of hope to all when in fact, your heart aches. That is strength my Dear.

David, maybe today will be a good one, and if not, there will be some down this long road.