Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Raining here today, overcast, as are my emotions.

Saw a jogger out here on our road just a bit ago, and I want to scream at them, get off this road!! Don't you know how dangerous it is? My daughter has stopped when driving to warn several bikers, and walkers, to be careful.

[daveydow1]

Lora----The necklace sounds just beautiful. I know what you mean

about stores shamelessly rushing the Christmas season. Makes them

look so very greedy. I tend to avoid the ones that do that.

David----so sorry that your son has left the facility. Sending thoughts

and prayers that he may find his way back to the help he needs. Try

to be easy on yourself.....although I know that it is so difficult when

the worry is there. Peace to you, friend.

Kate-----The snow on all the trees must be lovely to look at, but as

you say.....there can be damage when the snow is so wet & heavy.

Ahhhh.....baking ! One of my favorite things to do in winter's cold

months. Seems to cheer up the whole house, doesn't it?

Susan-----I'm so sorry for your recent loss of your dear son, Dustin.

Please come back to BI when you feel you can. We're always here.

Peace & comfort.

Dee----

Cold here too.....( going down to the 30's tonight.) We built a fire

in the wood stove today, and it was so nice & cozy. It helps on the fuel

bills too. Had nice visit with my son, Chris, this weekend.

BEtter news at the dentist Sat., so am just recuperating until

the end of Oct. to get the root canal finished.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[BrendaDup59]

Hi , well I had to tell you all I had a good weekend my grand daughter Kala (my middle son Brett's daughter ) stayed over night and we had a good time then my daughter in law came over with the rest of the kids in their costumes and to my SURPRISE there stood my son Brett I got the biggest hug from him ,it made my day I love him so much I could just feel Brian smiling ... Do I think things will change NO ... I know Brett I would love for him to be apart of my life and I will take what I can get .... but I just feel safer telling myself enjoy him when he comes over and let the times go when he doesn't , I could feel his love when he hugged me and that's all that matters. the kids looked so cute. I wanted to share some photo's of them . I think I have some of the prettiest granddaughters . My son's and grand children give me a reason to just get up and go on. Brian has been on my mind so much,

Dee just wanted to say Hi to you and Thank you for being here you are such an inspiration and a blessing to every one here.

David I hope you are doing OK thinking about you .and every one here.

Love Brenda

[Jeff's Mom]

Brenda, so pleased that you had a special moment with Brett! Accept all that is offered as it comes. Time has a way of healing.

Sherry, hope your dental work gives you some relief!

I agree... Dee, things are way too materialistic these days. The stores seem to pounce on the consumer before one occasion is over before hitting us with another. We need to take a step back and really think it through.

It was a hectic few days. Drove into the city yesterday to run errands. I was overcome when I heard a song on the radio played by Yo-Yo Ma. (Classical) I became totally overwhelmed by the loss of my son. The pain washed over me and I almost lost it. It was as if he was there with me. I saw his face and felt his touch. My loss was profound. I quickly turned the music off. However the feeling remained with me for the day. It was hard to shake it off. I had a ton of things to accomplish. When I returned home I spent hours baking for the Church luncheon today. All went well. It was a huge success. Listening to them all talking of their families as they anxiously anticipated their gatherings tomorrow was almost too much to bare. I gather this is the way it will be from now on. We are joining a family tomorrow for dinner. They have kindly asked us to join them. How strange it seems for me. Has it really come to this? In a split second our lives have been altered in a way that we could never have imagined. Years of family and preparation for special occasions. All gone...dead and buried.Now we are left here alone. In truth, it never occured to me that this would happen. Joining another family that took a sense of pity on us. Perhaps this is my lesson to learn in this life. To accept a form of charity with graciousness and good spirit. Kind and good people. Giving was easy. Accepting is hard for me. It is hard to be in this position. And so I pushed up my sleeves and baked two pumpkin pies and plan to attend with all good cheer. I know Jeff will be there with me...wearing his pumpkin coloured sweater and encouraging me to continue...or kick my sorry butt if I don;t! Who ever thought it would come to this? Lessons to learn all around.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Brenda, I am so glad that this day brought such sunshine to your life/ lives. I imagine that the kids and you had time to connect but your seeing your Boy...well that is just plain wonderful.I hope that Brett will hold onto the way it felt to hug his Mom and the way it felt to be hugged back, the love that crossed into him from you, cracking that shell. I agree though, absorb it while it is present and try not to expect it, just let it be.

I have to agree about the beauty of your Grand kids. So cute and that your grand daughter in the chair...gorgeous.

Hi Kate-nope we never think that this is what would happen, if we did, nobody would have kids, we would avoid the extreme pain never knowing the ultimate love. Jeff is with you around every turn and loving you through each day.

Sherry, so glad that the day felt cozy with the fire going. very happy too, to hear that the dental issues are not as drastic as you worried they might be. Good. Now just rest up.

Becky, sounds like a day of united hearts to me. I am glad for the time you spent with your family. Yes, the very dangerous road conditions continue, not enough awareness and willingness to slow down. Change is hard to come by, but change comes through the patience and tenacity of folks such as yourself.

[Sholl1955]

This weekend hit me like a ton of bricks and I can honestly say I was not ready, or expecting it but probably should have. On Friday I could not get out of bed. First time that has happened. By the end of the day I was sick of the bedroom so couldn't stay there every day. Yesterday I cried all day while I cleaned house all day and missed my Sarah so bad. I so wanted to talk with her. Actually I didn't just cry all day I sobbed horrible sobs that were as bad as the first days after her loss. I know now that this had to be triggered by Sarah's friend Megan who I asked prayer for a couple of weeks ago who is the same age as Sarah and dying of breast cancer like Sarah did. I have been there for her mom who will have lost her husband, son and daughter within the last 5 years when Megan is gone and has no one left. They thought she was not going to make it through the night last night but she is still here but it won't be long. But my thoughts and deep pain this weekend were missing Sarah. I made myself take my husband out for lunch today but cried during lunch. My sister came to town to spend time with my mother and wanted to go to lunch yesterday but I turned her down, something I have never done. My brother died and his funeral was last Wednesday in California and we could not go, so I guess that is also a contributing factor too. Isn't it crazy that this is all just dawning on me as contributing factors. I also resigned from my job of 20 years on the 28th of September and am looking for a new job with hours that will accomodate the hours I need to also care for my grandaughters (Sarah's babies) and my husband with early onset alzheimer. Although I am at peace with that and know I have to do it it to care for my family. So, as I write this I realize how crazy it all sounds and wonder why I didn't put all of these pieces together before I wrote this message. However, i will go ahead and send it as I need to tell someone how bad I hurt right now and know you will understand even though you may think I have lost my mind. Maybe I have.

Sandy

[Angel'sSon]

Up late...mind in a whirl, but came on to read and saw your posts, David and Susan, and just want to offer my prayers for both of you. I think of my BI family in my prayers often, but will keep you both especially on the forefront now...DAVID: I am so sorry about Gregg. The worry about those of our children still on this earth who are making bad decisions and we can't help does indeed use up our energy and our minds tend to be filled with worry about them. Our grandson, who has lived with us most of his life (he is now 27), and does now, has had a rocky 8-10 years and there were a few times over the last 3-4 that we thought we were going to lose him. When his uncle died, he especially was inconsolable (they were more like brothers) and then a friend died, and then before he could recover from that, another very close friend died last year in May. The brother of this last friend is a severe depressive/alcoholic and our grandson was trying to hard to help him, but he (the friend) has been that way for nearly 10 years and he has not yet reached a stage where he is willing to accept help or to help himself. Our grandson, in his effort to stay sober and drug free, has had to step away from him so that he can seek and maintain his own drug free status. He slipped up, badly, early last year, and has been on the straight and narrow now for almost a year...last year at this time we had to lock him out of the house and it was the hardest couple of months of our lives. My husband was in the hospital most of the month of December, and it was SO hard to not let Davis just come here and be out of the cold, but thank God, we prevailed and he came through it. His grandfather (my husband) dying the end of August brought new worries to my mind and heart and we (his mom and my other daughter) have been trying to keep him in our close sights to be there to help him get through this. So far, he is staying clean, but it is a daily worry for me, as he navigates this new sorrow that is holding him hostage. I am so sorry about Gregg and do pray that he will find his way again and help himself, as well as pray for strength for you to walk this painful path.

SUSAN: It is as DEE has said, we do need to do this in our own timeline and I am so glad that your mom seems to be understanding of your need to just "be" for now and that really helps you to not feel "pressured" into wearing that awful mask that we find ourselves wearing when we need to be "on" and just can't find it in ourselves to push that button to get ourselves going. You will find your joy again; it will take time, and it will take "your" time, not anyone else's. I can still remember the first time I laughed after our son died...I stopped short and looked around before I realized it was me laughing and I couldn't believe the sound came from me. One of the things that our son said to me before he died is actually in my signature on my posts: "Mom, you can't die because I do." The day he said that to me, I was having an especially hard day, as we knew we did not have much more time with him...we actually only had a couple of more months after that...and it saddened me to my core to know that time was running out. Even though Mike had been married for 18 months when he died, he and I were especially close throughout his life and I thought my world had ended when he left this earth. It had, actually. The world I knew before his illness and death ended for me and I had to find a new one to live in. I am still trying to smooth the edges of that new normal, and now I must add the sorrow of losing my husband to that search for a new normal for me. When our son Mike died, we had each other to lean on, to draw strength from, but now with my husband gone, the source of my heartbeat is gone and it is so hard some days to even keep breathing. I do so because I know that is what they want. Dee has often said "We have to stand where they cannot," and this has caused me, many days, to find that last bit of strength within to get my heart started and find my breath again, even if only for that day. I will think about tomorrow when it comes, and though it is so very hard to do that (not think about tomorrow, today) I find that it does help to try to keep myself in this moment. Thinking about my life without my son and my husband is a thought I just can't deal with most times, and I have to force myself to focus, focus. If that means I have to stay in my pajamas all day, or even in bed, then so be it.

My prayers for both of you are that you will find that inner strength that the memories of your sweet ones will provide for you, and when you do you will recognize it and treasure it and hold onto it for dear life. For now, your sorrow is too painful and raw, but you will, eventually, find your sorrow is a bit softer, a bit less piercing, and you will find that joy again. Your babies are with you, always, and they surround you with their own joy...please try to keep that in mind on those days/times when you can't think of anything except how much pain you are in.

I've wondered for several weeks now why I can't cry. Well, today it hit me and boy did I cry and just saying Why!!!! Mom came over to be with me and told me to cry and grieve as long as it takes. She told me not to think about what the rest of the family says,,,that I should move on with my life. Which so many on here have said!!!! I told mom that I have no life right now and I'm still in a daze. My mom is understanding, thank goodness!!!! I found out later today that Dustin's baby girl, 10 months old today, started walking and I cried even more because he isn't here to see her. She loved her DaDa. As I write, the tears are rolling down my face, just missing my son. At least I don't feel guilty and wondering why am I not crying!!! Another day of not being able to stay focused. Another day of sadness without my son!!! I will try to remember what you said, THAT OUR BABIES ARE WITH US, ALWAYS AND THEY SURROUND US WITH THEIR OWN JOY!!!!! Thanks, Susan

[mikesmomrs]

SANDY: I am so sorry this weekend has been so hard for you. My prayers, also, for Megan's mom and Megan and the rest of their family. So much loss, so very, very sad. You yourself have had so many changes in recent months and it must be very difficult to push yourself forward. I hope you are able to find some peace soon, even if only for a short bit at a time.

SUSAN: So glad that your mom is such a good support for you. Bless her. I do know the feeling of crying because your son isn't there to see his baby learn new things. Mike's youngest was only 18 months when his daddy left, and all of his "milestones" since (as well as those of the two oldest, one of which has just gotten his first job and his driver's license!) have brought such joy, but always a tinge of sadness that I can't hear my son say "Look, look at that!" I know he surrounds us always, and this brings me peace, but sometimes, sometimes...nothing keeps the tears back. Your mom is right, Susan, don't worry about what others are thinking/saying. This is your journey, and sad that it is, it must be walked in your own way, on your own terms, to meet your own needs, not anyone else's. Love to you.

BRENDA: Your post brought such joy to my heart. I can only imagine how it must have felt when you hugged your son, Brett. Your grandbabies are just beautiful and thank you for sharing the pictures. So, so cute.

BECKY: What a wonderful stand that you all took together. I am sorry that you are still having such a difficult time getting people to slow down on your road, but I am glad that you were all together.

SHERRY: So glad that you have found out that your dental work will entail less than you thought. Mind did, too, in a backwards sort of way. I do need the work, but can't afford what he said I ought to do, but will have to go with the less expensive fix. I have had something similar a number of years ago and truly hated it. I am going to go to the community dental place that is connected with the hospital here and see if I qualify for their assistance. Since I do have some dental insurance, they may be willing to help and then I will be able to get a better fix for the problem (a permanent bridge is broken and needs replacing, and it will involve the removal of another tooth in that area). You fire sounds cozy and warm. So nice.

KATE: Yes, lessons to be learned all around. I remember so well when young Mike first died and I would see young couples about with their little one (Mike and his wife had an 18 month old at the time of Mike's passing...Mike's two older boys were from a previous relationship). It would hurt so much because all I could think of was that Mike was not going to get to be with this child as he grew into a little boy and a young man. When Mike had to do his chemotherapy and radiation, Sarah had stayed home with him that summer, and she and Mike, with the baby in the stroller, would go each day to the hospital, together in a force of love for one another, to fight this battle that was not expected so soon into their marriage. Life changes so brutally and your description of "in a split second" is so very accurate. Holding you close in my heart.

DAVID: Continued prayers for your son.

DEE: Yes, your wish for me to have a good thing happen today actually came true. A friend of Cathi's from when they were in high school in Italy came by today with some of her family...her husband and three of their five children. They are up in New England (they live near DC) for the "Leaf peeping" weekend of Columbus day and came by to visit. They were here for over 3 hours and we all had a good time reminiscing about our time in Italy, as well as sharing stories of raising children, etc. This girl (woman, now of course) is so sweet and funny. She gives the impression of being flaky and flighty (her own description) and you would never know that she is a multi-linguist, speaks 7 or 8 different languages and has a really intense job in DC. She is fun to be around and her family all seemed so sweet and nice. This was the first time we met her hubby and children. It was a good visit. I have another "good thing" to share, but it is kind of lengthy, though I will try to shorten it.

All of this going around and changing stuff/names on legal issues and finding out how much my income is actually going to drop has been truly stressful, as I am sure you can imagine. Well, when Mike bought his truck in spring of last year, we asked, as usual when we bought a vehicle, about life insurance to cover the vehicle, but we were told that we couldn't have life insurance coverage on it because he was "over 65." Well, since it was the loan officer at the credit union who told us that, we didn't question it. Then, this past spring, when I bought the SUV, I didn't even ask for it, as I certainly hadn't gotten any younger. However, about a month or so after I bought it, I heard from someone (can't remember who or how) that the age wasn't 65, but was actually 70. I called the main office of the credit union and spoke to the loan officer that has handled our car loans over the past 25 years (We hadn't gone to that office for the truck or the SUV due to having moved to Dover four years ago and so we went to the local office here in town, so had a different loan officer). She told me that, yes, it was 70 years, and not 65 and that we were still entitled to buy it for the vehicles, even though the loan was not new. I asked her if there were any restrictions, such as if someone died in the first year, or they were sick, or whatever, and she said no, there were no restrictions. She said you just sign the form and as soon as the first payment was made, it went into effect. Since the fee is only about $3.00 per month, who would NOT do that? So, we sent Cathi to the credit union (a different, closer branch to the hospital, as that was where we were still) and when she picked up the paperwork, the clerk there told her that since the loans on the vehicles had been signed for "more than 30 days ago" we would have to fill out some forms. Of course, those "forms" contained such questions as "Have you seen a doctor in the last five years," and "have you been diagnosed with cancer or heart disease," etc., etc. Well, that was right around the time mid-August when Mike started getting really sick, so I just tossed them aside and didn't both with them, because of course, his cancer had progressed so rapidly that the life insurance would now not be granted. Well, after he died, and I was thinking about how I was going to have to sell both cars and get something older and hopefully still in good condition, I got to thinking that if we hadn't been misled about the life insurance, we would have bought it, just like all the times in the past, and those vehicles would now be paid for completely. Being one who believes "it never hurts to ask," I called the loan officer that we had dealt with before in the past and told her what had happened. I said "You can look over our previous history and see that we have always purchased life and disability insurance on any car loans we've taken over these last 25 years and we would certainly have done it this time as well if we hadn't been told the wrong information." I also told her that when we bought the truck in spring of 2011, Mike was doing very well (from the kidney cancer) and there was no recurrence. I told her that we knew when we bought the SUV in late May that he had pancreatic cancer, but had been told at that time by the doctor that he had "a good year, and likely two" ahead of him, and figured that the SUV would be paid down considerably over the next year or so; however, things didn't work out that way and by the time we found out about the error of the 65 vs 70 life insurance information, he had become quite ill and we didn't fill out the paperwork then because of his health situation having gone downhill so rapidly, etc. She took down all the information, the name of the person who told us that, our history, etc., and said she would "check into it." Well, since it was a Friday afternoon, I didn't expect much and when she called me on Monday to tell me that she had researched the information and passed the paperwork "up the chain" for their input, I still didn't hold out much hope, but had some thoughts that if they did anything at all, it would likely be perhaps, just perhaps, that they might cover the truck (since that was in his name only) and offer to take the SUV back (since we'd only made one payment on it so far) without any repercussions to our credit history, etc. That was what I hoped might happen, but honestly didn't think even that would happen. She hadn't called back all week, and when I tried to reach her the following week, I was told she was on vacation til this past Monday (the 24th). So, I called her on Monday morning and she said that she hadn't heard anything, but did "see a couple of emails have passed through channels" and she would "check into it and get back to me later" that day. I missed her call and didn't talk to her til the next morning, when she called first thing. When I answered, she said "Carol, I just wanted to let you know that the paperwork came back, and that everything has been taken care of and the vehicles are paid off and we will be sending you the titles in the next few days." I honestly couldn't believe what I heard and had to ask her again, then I just burst into tears and couldn't get my breath. I still can't believe it and every time I get into the SUV, I hold onto the steering wheel and just sigh and thank God again for such a blessing. The total for these vehicles was over $28,000!!!!! The girls and I and Davis have joked that God must have an awfully sore shoulder from Mike and his dad tapping on it saying "Please, just do this one thing for her, please, please," etc., etc. I still have to pinch myself and still find it hard to comprehend that they would be so good about it.

So, I just wanted to share that, and sorry it was so lengthy, but there was just no way to shorten such a huge story!

I do pray that you all have a good week coming up, weather wise and life wise. Days of peace-filled moments to enjoy and savor.

This next weekend will be rough around here...Friday is Mike's birthday, and Sunday marks young Mike's 6th year being gone from this earth. As much as it will hurt, I cannot let my husband's 70th birthday go by without celebrating and honoring it. He wanted so much to see 70, but it was not meant to be. I don't know how I will "celebrate" his birthday and then honor Mike on his day, but we will find a way. When the weekend is over, Kim will be leaving for home. I feel so blessed that she has been able to stay this long, but I know her girls miss her terribly, as she misses them, and we must make yet more steps forward. She has been such a wonderful presence here and I will miss her terribly, but I will find joy in the memories made while she's been here.

Take care all.

[Angel'sSon]

This weekend hit me like a ton of bricks and I can honestly say I was not ready, or expecting it but probably should have. On Friday I could not get out of bed. First time that has happened. By the end of the day I was sick of the bedroom so couldn't stay there every day. Yesterday I cried all day while I cleaned house all day and missed my Sarah so bad. I so wanted to talk with her. Actually I didn't just cry all day I sobbed horrible sobs that were as bad as the first days after her loss. I know now that this had to be triggered by Sarah's friend Megan who I asked prayer for a couple of weeks ago who is the same age as Sarah and dying of breast cancer like Sarah did. I have been there for her mom who will have lost her husband, son and daughter within the last 5 years when Megan is gone and has no one left. They thought she was not going to make it through the night last night but she is still here but it won't be long. But my thoughts and deep pain this weekend were missing Sarah. I made myself take my husband out for lunch today but cried during lunch. My sister came to town to spend time with my mother and wanted to go to lunch yesterday but I turned her down, something I have never done. My brother died and his funeral was last Wednesday in California and we could not go, so I guess that is also a contributing factor too. Isn't it crazy that this is all just dawning on me as contributing factors. I also resigned from my job of 20 years on the 28th of September and am looking for a new job with hours that will accomodate the hours I need to also care for my grandaughters (Sarah's babies) and my husband with early onset alzheimer. Although I am at peace with that and know I have to do it it to care for my family. So, as I write this I realize how crazy it all sounds and wonder why I didn't put all of these pieces together before I wrote this message. However, i will go ahead and send it as I need to tell someone how bad I hurt right now and know you will understand even though you may think I have lost my mind. Maybe I have.

Sandy

Sandy, I'm so sorry for your losses!! With your brother passing away has to be really hard on you. Today my son's baby girl, 10 months old started walking and I am really sad that he isn't here to see her walk. I didn't realize that Sarah had breast cancer. My oldest daughter has breast cancer and is going through radiation treatments. We are hoping for the best. I do not want to lose another child. Losing my son is so painful and it's not getting easier. Yesterday I stayed in my pajamas all day. Today Is no better. Prayers for Megan!!!! At least you will be able to take care of your grandaughters now. I've written so many times and just hoping it all makes sense. We are not losing our minds, in my opinion, there are just so many emotions that take over and to me, It's like a rollercoaster going over and over in my mind. My son has been gone a little over 7 weeks and I believe this has been the longest 7 weeks that I've ever had. Just why and how!!! I can't get past the bad to think about the good times. He seemed so happy with life and for him to end it all is so hard to imagine. He was my best friend and I miss him so bad. Today is just the worst day that I've had!!!! It's helped me so much to read your post....I'm always afraid I'm going to say something wrong and I sure don't want to offend anyone on here!!! Just another thing that goes on in my mind!!! Susan

[ericasmom]

_{Carol, I am grinning ear to ear at the workings of Angels, YOUR ANGELS! Goodness knows how this will help you out and relieve some of the worry that dogs us when we have so much already on our plates. HOORAY FOR THE DOUBLE MIKES! Thanks for sharing Carol, prayers and hope continue as you carry on in this new day.}

Sandy, what deep pain in your world right now. The reason you did not piece it together at first on your own is because you are in the midst of it which makes the whole picture very hard to see. When we write we find our life in many ways, we see the steps it took to get to this day, and while the day maybe filled with sadness, at least now you see why you are feeling this way. Gosh, I know nobody that would not be down from what you are going through right now. It is a lot. It is a huge amount of loss and most therapists would put your issues on a timeline and see that you have about 6 big things all within the same time frame, all of these are life-changing so do treat yourself as gently as you can and take a breath and know that your Angel is with you as you face all of these struggles. I wish I could be there to give you time to just go off for a walk by yourself.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, it was about the same temp here this morning and with the day off for Columbus, I walked a nice long walk, snapping photos of all the colors of the trees. So pretty. I walk throughout the winter, I find it very peaceful, just have to wear layers and good boots that help you navigate the icy walks. Something very quiet adn spriitual about a winter morning. I will say however, that when spring sticks her head out, I am grateful. I hope though that we get a real winter this year. I worry about the warm winters and lack of snow for all sorts of reasons.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[becky, When I see rain in the forecast it always changes my mood, I am not looking forward to the winter either. We have a few roads like the one that Jared was on the night you lost him. Not a lot of room on the side of the road and people just fly down them. I can only image your heartache when you were walking down that road and realize that he did not have a chance that night. Hopefully, you will get some satisfaction and will get the speed limit and the laws changed.]

Lora

Thank you, Lora, and others that spoke to this experience we had. It was awful. We had gone to take pictures to show how much light was still in the sky on the same night one year later, and of course to go to the sign with Jared's picture, that we placed in the spot where he died. The inattention of the drivers that whizzed past us in our reflective garments and our lantern, was just unreal. It made me literally sick to my stomach, as the realization hit me that my poor babyboy didn't stand a chance in hell against THIS kind of driver. He could have been lit up like a Christmas tree, but if you're not paying attention driving, it wouldn't matter. I don't know if there is anyway to use this experience to readdress DelDot or not. Very, very disturbing.

[tobyfreefoot]

becky-i'm so sorry people still don't pay attention even with your sign. i'm sure you must have lived the whole thing in your mind once more.

since people had talked earlier about grands i am posting a picture of madelyn dayne named for her uncle forest dayne.

also some pics of the acrylic that has been cut finally-first step to his memorial and the basic design pics. hopefully we will get it installed around the end of the month. it will have stained glass in the heart and an acrylic box in back with a waterproof journal. everyone thinks i'm nuts for investing this money but it was insurance money from the accident so i couldn't think of a better way to spend it.

love to all.

[daveydow1]

Gretchen----Thanks for posting the pic of your sweet little Madelyn Dayne.

what a cutie.

Lora----This is our first experience with woodstoves, (although we had them

in our house when I was growing up.....years ago, of course). The stove was

here in the house when we bought it 3 yrs. ago, and we just didn't get around

to trying it out. Also....plenty of cut & stacked firewood left behind by the

previous owner that is coming in handy. My husband had no experience with

this heating method, and wanted to sell the stove. I kept resisting, and now

he loves the stove, and the heat it puts out. It helps save on the heating oil

expense too. Thanks for posting the saying from Our Daily Bread.

Kate---Your pumpkin pies sound delicious. Hope you have a nice day. I do

so know what you mean about holidays, and missing our dear children who

left this world too soon. The yearning is always there.

Becky----So sorry that the people speeding on the road seem to just ignore

the danger of such actions. I applaud all your family's efforts to get something

done about the negligent and dangerous driving & speeding. Peace to you.

Brenda----So nice that you had a visit from Brett, and the grandies. Also

thanks for the pics.

Sandy----I'm so sorry that you are having such a bad time of it. There's been so

much sorrow in your life. Sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Peace

and comfort, friend.

Susan-----Sending prayers for Megan and your daughter.

Carol----Good news about the insurance covering the cars! Mike and Ralph

must be looking down and smiling. So good that you

took the effort to 'dig around' and find out about it. As you said, it doesn't

hurt to ask......that's for sure. So nice that you had such a nice time with the

family that came to visit you. Cathy has been so sweet to be with you, and I

imagine that her family will be glad to get her back home too. Thinking of you

as Ralph's birthday and Mike's angel day approaches. So many bittersweet

memories & feelings, I know. Peace to you.

Dee----Yep----I guess we can all let go of the last days of summer.....they're gone.

Fall is such a beautiful time, though, and even winter.....at times. We've been

spending time outside getting the woodpiles arranged, after some collapses of

the stacked wood. I think that the 'resident' groundhog who has been living under

the one wood stack will, no doubt, probably take to the fields or woods when

we start moving logs around and making racket etc. He's been there all summer....

snacking on our cucumbers at times.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

Sherry-My brother always says when his garden comes up in the spring that the rabbits are all gathered around with salt shakers ready to start eating! It sounds like your groundhogs do that too.

Carol-Your angels were working overtime to make your worries one or two less. I think of you much and hope that the days are being kind to you. My daddy wanted to get to his 80th birthday and did not quite make it, he was 79 when he passed, from almost the same diseases that claimed your sweet Mike. Daddy had a rough time there at the last, but still fought to stay with us to the end. Hugs

Gretchen-What a cute grandbaby! I hope the monument turns out just as you want it to.

Brenda-Your grandbabies are precious too. I'm so glad you got a good hug from Brett.

Dee-Haven't had much time to post lately, been in a very blue mood. One of Westley's friends is getting married Oct 27 and we've been invited. Another got married Saturday night, not a real close friend, one he used to play basketball with when he was younger. All of them moving on has gotten me very sad, and we've been having some amount of trouble with CJ lately. He has some legal trouble that may prove to be his undoing, and I'm so afraid that all we've done to try to help him get on his feet was not enough. I feel so inadequate, as I already feel that we failed Westley, and now to have failed to make a difference that lasts for CJ has me feeling very broken.

Kate-Thinking of you on your Thanksgiving Day and hoping that the dinner goes well. This time of year is so hard, I blew off a family reunion yesterday because I just couldn't make myself go and talk to distant relatives about how wonderful their children are. Just. Couldn't. Do. It.

Sweet Dreams to all tonight, hopefully of your angels

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, good to see Westley's smile tonight. I am sorry for the ache it sure is hard. Watching Cecily on SNL on Saturdays makes me very wistful too, knowing that Erz would be on a plane to NYC to go watch a show in person of her good buddy, or we would watch on the telephone together maybe, laughing that Cecily is doing impersonations of RAchel Maddow. I wonder some days what that would be like and then I remember that Erz is privy to it all, watching Cecily from her best seat in the house, cheering her brother on in his and his wifes endeavors, holding me when I am unable to sleep. I just some days, ache from the weight of missing. CJ might not be able to rally right now Rhonda, but it is not from what you and your family wasn't able to do, it is because CJ isn't able to follow through on things and isn't able to grab hold of the life jacket you have thrown him more than once. You have been so supportive of him, you are not letting him down, he is letting himself down. Sadly. But one day he will pull himself up perhaps, and it will be because he has the strategies that were taught him by you. We don't always see the fruits of our love and labor until much later.

Sherry, I can picture those piles of wood, and smell the sweet smell of the woodsmoke. Stay cozy.

Gretchen, the artwork being readied for installation is INCREDIBLE! I am glad that you have chosen your way to honor your boy in this way. Amazing. The little one is adorable, just adorable.

[Sholl1955]

Thank you to all of you for your kind words of encouragment. It means so much. I just wanted to share that Sarah's friend Megan lost her battle with breast cancer about 3 hours ago. Please remember her mom as she now has lost both of her children and her husband within 5 years.

Sandy

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you to all of you for your kind words of encouragment. It means so much. I just wanted to share that Sarah's friend Megan lost her battle with breast cancer about 3 hours ago. Please remember her mom as she now has lost both of her children and her husband within 5 years.

Sandy

Oh, Sandy, I am so very sorry to hear that. So very very sad.

Carol, what a blessing about the cars! Wow!

Gretchen, I agree the grandie is adorable! The memorial is looking really great! You do whatever it is that YOU need to do!

Rhonda, my heart to you in these struggles you are facing.

Brenda, precious grandies!!

Sherry, thanks for your support. I know you understand how important these undertakings are to us.

Dee, you always manage to say what I need to hear, speaking of how our angels can see everything that we see plus so much more!

David, are you out there? I hope you are doing better, think of you often.

[ericasmom]

Sandy, may she fly freely into the arms of your Dear Daughter and Her Daddy and Her Sibling. Goodness knows she will be surrounded with love. Now the worry is for her Mom, her aching heart. Deep prayers and for you too as you face this very familiar territory.

Becky, you are working so hard to make it possible for others to be safe, your Boy must be very proud. I do believe that Jared is near and cheering you on.

[Vijayabanu]

Thank you to all of you for your kind words of encouragment. It means so much. I just wanted to share that Sarah's friend Megan lost her battle with breast cancer about 3 hours ago. Please remember her mom as she now has lost both of her children and her husband within 5 years.

Sandy

Sandy...I m very sorry for Megan...for her mom... For all of us here who can feel th pain of Megan's mom...hope Megan has reached God and is having a blast in heaven...and send signals to her mom that she is fine and will meet her on the assigned day...

[tantraman8]

Dear All,

It amazes me how my moods change from minute to minute since Josh passed. I have four good friends here in Tucson and I talked on the phone with two, spent time with one, and FB communicated with another, but, back in my casita, I find myself wishing there was someone with me now. It feels, in the moment, like I'm a bottomless pit of needing reassurance and support.

I did not go to work today. I awoke, after a fitful night of pseudo sleep, feeling major depression. I felt this a week ago also, on Monday and Tuesday. I took the plunge, called my doctor and am now on new (non benzo-diazapene) meds for sleep and an anti-depressant. I resisted the anti-depressant for a long time, but the DARKNESS of last Monday and Tuesday and today convinced me, that in spite of all the hard work i'm doing to take care of myself, I need to give myself the break of anti-depressants for now. I AM SOOOOOOOO hoping I actually get a decent night's sleep. Ambien ( the sleep med I was on) is a violent drug. It knocks you out, and then when it wears off, you awake suddenly, in my case with anxiety, and not at all gently.

Anyhow, actually feeling some tiredness. Could the med be kicking on this quickly. All of your support is precious to me. I wish we could all video conference or be together. Of course, for me, living alone makes it challenging.

It's not even 9:30 here in Tucson, but I'm going to try and crash. What I wouldn't do for a whole night of restful sleep.

Love and support to all,

David

[Angel'sSon]

I woke up crying this morning. I've felt so guilty because I haven't been able to shed a tear in a long time. I've cried almost all day. Reality has hit me and I'm missing Dustin really bad. Then when you think things can't get any worse, I get a call from my daughter who lives in another state, telling me my oldest grandchild had a wreck and totalled her car. my 11 year old grandchild was with her. My daughter left work and headed to the E.R. saying that she didn't know anything yet. Seems like the waiting was forever. I was thinking the worst and thinking I can't lose either of them. Thank God, they both had minor injuries!!!! I have pictures of her car that my daughter sent to me on my phone and as bad as the car looks, it's a miracle that they were not hurt any worse. I'm so glad to have both of my grandchildren still here. My thinking is back to Dustin. Just a nightmare!!!

Sandy, I'm so sorry about Megan losing her fight to breast cancer. I will remember her mom and you also in prayers. So sorry!!!! Another one gone too soon!!!

David, I don't live alone, but I feel so lonely at times. These last 7 1/2 weeks without my son, Dustin seems like forever. According to my counselor, I am dealing with major depression. I've dealt with depression for years. I've had a change of one of my meds. and it's not helping. I don't think any med. can help in the situation of losing a loved one!!! The one I have for sleep,, knocks me out and I tend to sleep a lot, then wake up and the thinking begins all over again. Why and how my son could do this!! it's just tearing me apart. So, I get on here and write. It either makes sense or it doesn't...I don't know. Goodnight friends!!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

Sandy, I am so very sorry to read that Megan lost her fight against breast cancer. How I wish they could find a cure for that dreaded disease.

David, taking meds to help you slowly adjust to your loss is often necessary for most of us. We tend top go on adrenaline for ages and then crash big time. I was given strong sleeping pills after Jeff died. I fought taking them. However after weeks of not sleeping properly I finally had to break down and stop fighting the help offered. I broke them in half. It did help to get me back onto a more regular sleeping pattern...which I desperately needed. My ability to cope was non existent when I was sleep deprived. Anti-depressants are many out there...and when we take something that does not agree we need to get off of them as quickly as we can and try a new one. If they can honestly help to balance the mood swings and depression it is a huge help. Contrary to many out there I am a firm believer that it takes at least three to four years to even begin to find your feet planted on the ground again after suffering such a major loss. Go easy on yourself. You are going to get through this. You are stronger then you give yourself credit for. Glad to see you are making an effort.

Carol, Becky, Sherry and Rhonda....thanks for your Thanksgiving wishes. It turned out to be a great day... and we had a wonderful time. I met several new people and we shared a great meal, many laughs, and good conversation. The beginning of a new phase for us. But a good new beginning. Glad we accepted the invitation. We have found more kindness from new found friends than from others we have known for over thirty. Their abandonment of us and judgement towards the circumstances surrounding Jeff's death is positively disgraceful. I guess we are cleaning house...so to speak. And a very good thing too! This is positive change and it feels good.

Susan...I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this added stress from the accident. How awful! So very glad that they were not hurt! I know the pain of losing Dustin is overwhelming at this time. My heart goes out to you as you try to continue on with your daily tasks. Please take care of yourself.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Susan, I agree with Kate, so glad that the grandkids are fine after a scary time. We find our nerves on hyper-aware after the losses we suffered.

Peace one day.

[Guest]

.

[tobyfreefoot]

sandy--i am soo sorry to see that you have lost megan. i just had such a sad pang in my heart as i read it. i can envision sarah reaching out her hand in the light of a golden afternoon and helping her loving friend over to her.

lora--my son has been gone for 15 months and lying in an unmarked grave for soo long. i lost patience. i financed a used water jet for the sculptor but he has had one trial after another trying to get it up and running. i finally had to raise a little money so he could have the basic granite structure cut by someone else. he will still do the artwork and craftsmanship. he was disappointed not to be able to do it all but i was starting to feel really sad and having anxiety attacks over it. he was in an accident breaking his pelvis in 17 places so we had to wait for that to heal before we could start. like you i want something that represents not only my son but how much i love him and how awesome he was to complete strangers. i use to read that book and i cried everytime i read it too. who would have known it was not going to go in the order of the book. my son was 28 unmarried without any children yet. his girlfriend was driving (fell asleep at the wheel and went under the back of a parked semi at 67 mph) she also died. the book still speaks to my heart because as long as i'm living my baby he will be. the artist and i have been working on the concept since a year ago september. it has been a long process but i think it is what has kept me sane as i have been able to be involved with something i could do for forest. i am guessing others may have that feeling of still wanting to mother them, buy them things etc. anyway it has helped me a lot as has the sculptor who is quite unusual but very spiritual. anyway good luck and i hope designing and thinking of how you want to portray cara will be a comfort to you also.

like lora and kate i found a few of my friends (some pretty good ones at work) have yet to speak to me! they may say hi as they walk by but don't stop. i no longer count them as friends-it has been 15 months!! i have made a couple of really nice friends that are glad to hear about forest and ask things about him which makes it seem so normal and nice to include him in various conversations.

susan-i'm so glad your grandkids are ok!! my little granddaughter recently choked on a cheerio and my daughter had to do the heimlich maneuver. sometimes i feel afraid for any of my kids to have any kids because something might happen to them.. i know it takes the joy from life but i'm just afraid.

[daveydow1]

Gretchen-----Glad to hear that you now have a headstone on your

dear son's grave. Yes....it is very important for us to have our

children memorialized in whatever way we can provide. Peace to you.

Rhonda----

Yep----I guess anyone who does gardening has to accept that

there are going to be little critters taking advantage of the open salad

bar. Sorry to hear that CJ is having legal problems, and hope that there

can be a resolution soon. I ,so, know how heart-wrenching it can feel

to see your dear Westley's friends going on with further big steps in

their lives....like getting married etc. We feel that the world is moving on

and leaving the memory of our child behind. I, too, feel that way whenever

I see Davey's friends progressing on life's road, and even seeing electronic

gadgets like Sony Walkman players being noted as obsolete. I still have

a couple of Dave's players.....can't seem to let go of them. Sending thoughts

& prayers for you, friend.

Sandy-----So very sorry to hear that Sarah's friend, Megan, has passed on.

So very sad. Prayers for all.

Becky---I, so, know the frustration of trying to change laws etc. and make

people more aware of dangerous drivers and roadway conditions. It's only

trying to help save someone else from having to be hit with the agonizing

news that a loved one has died. From my experience, it's like pulling teeth

to get anything accomplished. The wheels of governments/lawmakers and

even the public can grind along at a maddeningly slow pace. I admire your

dedication, and wish you success.

David----I hope that your change of meds will begin to give you rest, and relief

from your anxieties. Sometimes it takes awhile with fine tuning one's meds to

find the right fit. I hope that when you are feeling lonely, that you will continue

to come here to BI. Peace & comfort, my friend.

Dee----I can see how seeing Cicely on SNL can make you feel melancholy.

There seems to be no way that we can get away from those wistful thoughts

when we see our child's friends going on with their lives, is there?

Susan----I agree that one can have people around them, and still have those

lonely feelings. I guess it is just part of this road we're on, and they can creep

up on us at any given time. Hope you feel a bit better, and that your memories

of dear Dustin will warm your heart.

Lora----All the things that you mentioned to help yourself are excellent things

to do. I don't think that in the early months after my son died that I did many

of those things, but in due time I came to realize that they were very self-

preserving things to do. So sorry for the grandchildren's accident....and am

glad to hear that they were not seriously injured. You are right, though,......

after we lose a child, we become more sensitized and apprehensive that something

could happen again.

Kate-----

I'm so glad that you had a nice time for Thanksgiving with the people

who invited you, and with meeting new friends. I do know what you mean about

how some old friends sometimes just seem to drift away and seem so insensitive

to our loss. That has happened to me. We were friends with a woman & her husband

and family for 35 yrs. Our families were close.....kids etc.

My friend had a heart attack while she was in her car and died instantly, (this was

several years ago). My husband and I were there for her husband &

grown sons,.Her husband, especially, showed appreciation. When our son, Dave,

died, we never heard a word from him, nor did he contact us in any way. My husband

bumped into him one day a few years later in a store and told this guy that our son

was killed. He just mumbled "Yeah,....I read about it in the paper". That was it.

That experience has left us to wonder why this would happen. I'm sorry that this

has happened to you after Jeff's death. Seems so unfeeling, on old friends' part.

WISHING ALL INDIGOS PEACE AND A GOOD NIGHT'S REST.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, thanks for understanding. Bang on! Same thing happened several times these past few weeks. To everyone reading...it hits to the core. We learn from our experiences...would I have helped these people knowing what I do now? I'm not so sure. I would hope so. I'm just being honest. I reacted at the time out of compassion and a need to be of help. Today after being neglected...well, it takes a huge amount of forgiveness and tolerence. That is the really hard part. To do it anyway. Jeff did. That is why he is there and I am not. Good grief....lessons to learn seem unending. Facing your own demons is the hardest. It's easy to see the shortcomings in others...but when faced with your own failures, well? OUCH! And then the work really begins. And it is hard as can be.

Sending love to everyone tonight. The rain finally stopped. Snow has melted and the sky is filled with a billion stars. As I drove back home this afternoon a lone deer slowly walked up from the ditch and stopped and looked at me. She appeared so gentle and unhurried. Unfrettered in her manner. What a lovely sight. The air is crisp and clean. This is truly God's country. I count my blessings. Until we meet my dear son. I am forever your loving mom. Love never dies.

Kate

[Angel'sSon]

First, thanks for everyone's support. My grandchildren are sore with bruises and cuts. I'm so grateful it wasn't worse. Today is no different from any others. Just in a daze, watching T.V., but not paying attention to what I'm watching. Crying and missing Dustin more. I'm to the point that I'm just hanging in there and wondering what the next day will bring. 8 weeks without my son. The longest weeks of my life!! I'm very grateful for this Grieving site, but sad that we are all here. At least I can read post over and over and I'm not alone when I'm here. I'm wanting to be happy and think about the good memories with Dustin. They just won't come to me. I remember patience from Dee!!!! I have to give the grieving time and it's how much longer is this going to last!!! I'm not pushing it. I'm still at the point that I want my son back and feeling like this is a nightmare and it's going to end. Thinking about Dustin every waking moment. I never would have thought that I'd be a mother who lost a son!!! It's so hard!!!

[andy88]

Hello All,

I know I haven't been here in quite awhile, but it is now officially Andy's 24th birthday. 10/10/88 - the best day of my whole life. Missing him so, but also remembering the beautiful gift of 22 years with the most wonderful son in the world. I would like to ask everyone to do one small act of kindness today in memory of him. Thank you, with love.

Pam

[cas1984]

Hello All,

I know I haven't been here in quite awhile, but it is now officially Andy's 24th birthday. 10/10/88 - the best day of my whole life. Missing him so, but also remembering the beautiful gift of 22 years with the most wonderful son in the world. I would like to ask everyone to do one small act of kindness today in memory of him. Thank you, with love.

Pam

pam im bunny cassidys mama i hope ur angel in heaven gives u the biggest sign today on urs and his special day. i hope and pray he makes u very aware of his presence as i wud want my son too. you are much further in ur journey than i by far. my son left me Jan 13 2012 and id love to get a obvious sign or a little closure on his birthday. this day is going to be so hard i imagine even after a year as its going to be on December 23rd. So you and ur son will be in my prayers this day n nite happy birthday Andy tell Cassidy Lei Mama Bunny Lee lovez him Thanks sweetie

[cas1984]

First, thanks for everyone's support. My grandchildren are sore with bruises and cuts. I'm so grateful it wasn't worse. Today is no different from any others. Just in a daze, watching T.V., but not paying attention to what I'm watching. Crying and missing Dustin more. I'm to the point that I'm just hanging in there and wondering what the next day will bring. 8 weeks without my son. The longest weeks of my life!! I'm very grateful for this Grieving site, but sad that we are all here. At least I can read post over and over and I'm not alone when I'm here. I'm wanting to be happy and think about the good memories with Dustin. They just won't come to me. I remember patience from Dee!!!! I have to give the grieving time and it's how much longer is this going to last!!! I'm not pushing it. I'm still at the point that I want my son back and feeling like this is a nightmare and it's going to end. Thinking about Dustin every waking moment. I never would have thought that I'd be a mother who lost a son!!! It's so hard!!! from Cassidys Mama: Susan, 8 weeks I remember well! Because 8 months feels the same except it just becomes more real: Hes not walking thru my door or textn " I love you Mama" Be over soon "on my way" God that hurts! I miss that so much! Im at 8 months 3 wks 5 days and everything u said from in a daze to tv on not paying attention n the waiting for the next day which is not going to be any different bcus Dustin & Cassidy are still not going to be here in physical form so how does it get better for us? Im going to pray so hard that we dream of our boyz.We need closure!We desperately need answers. If nothing else just need to know their ok&adjusting without us. For some reason & I think we will find out soon why,why we have this connection.I hope &pray u have a easier tomorrow w less depression. I wish there was a magic pill that made us unaware of depression and made our day easier..Goodnite hugz Bunny Cassidys Mama w Dustin in my heart & prayers

[ericasmom]

ANDY ANDY ANDY

May this birthday give you the gift of being loved...knowing that your Mom loves you through and through. Please breeze into Mom's day leaving the distinct sense of your being near. You are the light of her life and this day marks the true joy of this world.

Pam, so good to see you on this special day. I do hope that it is spent with some time that allows you the joy of this date. Bless you each day.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, ANDY!!

[BrendaDup59]

Happy Heavenly Birthday ANDY!!!

[Guest]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ANDY!!! Surround your family with love and joy today.

[Vijayabanu]

Happy birthday Andy.. U r in my prayers today

[Vijayabanu]

Happy birthday Andy.. U r in my prayers today

[westleysmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Andy!

Pam-Thinking of you today and hoping that your wonderful memories of the day that Andy came into this world fill your heart.

[tobyfreefoot]

Happy Birthday Andy!! will definitely do an act of kindness with you in mind today!!

[andy88]

Thank you all so much for remembering my precious Andy. I have to share this with you because it was so amazing! Bunny, right after I read your comment saying "please send your mom the biggest sign today", I looked up from my computer and my entire living room was covered with rainbows. The sun must have been shining through the window just right, but that has NEVER happened before. I took pictures of it because it was so beautiful and it made my day!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY ANDY ANDY!

I love you forever my beautiful boy. Thank you for the rainbows!! <3

Blessings to all...

Love,

Pam

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,.......ANDY.

PAM.....THINKING OF YOU TODAY ON YOUR DEAR ANDY'S 24TH

BIRTHDAY. PEACE & COMFORT.

Kate-----I agree....it is not always easy to face up to our own shortcomings,

but we must try, of course. That person I mentioned.....we have never heard

one word from him, after all this time. Guess he's just moved on with his life,

with his three sons. But it still leaves me wondering about it from time to time.

He was quite rude & abrupt to my husband.....very puzzling. My husband says

"forget it" , so I do....for the most part.

I went to the cemetery today to remove the planters for fall cleanup. No one

around......just lonely and quiet.

Not too much to say today, my INDIGO friends, so I'll post later.

PEACE TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/heaven-real-says-neurosurgeon-claims-visited-afterlife-213527063.html

Here is a nice article that gives a view of heaven by a scientist who visited...

[Angel'sSon]

Heavenly Birthday to Andy!!!!!!

Today I felt like adding the picture of my son as my profile picture!!! 8 weeks today since Dustin left me. It's no better today. The crying, the pain and wanting Dustin with me!!! My counselor appt. is tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to going. Dustin, my son is another one gone too soon!!!! I'm not feeling much like writing today!!!

[ericasmom]

What a handsome man Dustin is. Susan, the pain is extreme because so is the love. The reaction to losing our Kids is like walking a mountain pass in the dark without a guide. There is no 'friggin' guide, there is no way of knowing what the next step is, where does the road narrow, where does it turn, what if i fall, what if I fall? We simply feel alone, raw, like an abandoned soul, and as alone as you are in that you are Dustin's Mom, we are all here knowing, shaking our heads up and down because we get it, because at some point in our tragic losses, we were there where you are now. Lost and alone. Please hang on, hang on and know that as much as you love Dustin, he loves you and nothing will ever take that away.

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Andy!

Pam-glad Andy sent you a sign to let you know he is close!

[Guest]

.

[tobyfreefoot]

lora--the brain fog is awful and kind of frightening. if you have chances to ride instead of drive i recommend it. i seemed badly disoriented for months, i even ended up in the men's room at my local walmart. i am doing better now but still have some trouble.

our cemetery also has the granite requirement. we got permission to sandwich the acrylic between two 4" slabs of black granite on top of a granite base. it has taken us 13 months to design it. i think what ever you choose the people you talked to probably advised you well to take the time to decide what makes you have the most peace and feel like you have represented her as well as you can to others. i'm sure most of us have wandered graveyards looking at memorials and thinking of the deceased and their loved ones and read quotes etc. and pondered their lives. this seemed important to me also my son touched many kids lives especially "misfits" and i wanted them to have a place to come to remember him.

to those that can't cry...i've been having this for about the last 4 months or more. well this morning at work (i work alone in a windowless room in a very loud copper tubing factory) i was listening to a song on my mp3 and suddenly was sobbing and screaming NO NO NO! over and over and forest oh god don't leave me please please for about 45 minutes. luckily it is so loud out there no one ever heard me. so i guess my comment is guess what..i think it is all still in there squelched into a space so you can keep on dealing with life and probably some day the dam will break and out it will come. i thought i wasn't going to have these break downs ever again but now i'm thinking it will probably just keep resurfacing when my subconscious just can't keep it at bay any more. i was miserable but also relieved i could wail for my child. in a way it felt good to let myself feel that terrible for awhile. i deserve to feel the love that causes the pain and my son deserves to be mourned.

becky--wanted you to know your sign about texting is still being shared by others on my fb page