Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

lora--the brain fog is awful and kind of frightening. if you have chances to ride instead of drive i recommend it. i seemed badly disoriented for months, i even ended up in the men's room at my local walmart. i am doing better now but still have some trouble.

our cemetery also has the granite requirement. we got permission to sandwich the acrylic between two 4" slabs of black granite on top of a granite base. it has taken us 13 months to design it. i think what ever you choose the people you talked to probably advised you well to take the time to decide what makes you have the most peace and feel like you have represented her as well as you can to others. i'm sure most of us have wandered graveyards looking at memorials and thinking of the deceased and their loved ones and read quotes etc. and pondered their lives. this seemed important to me also my son touched many kids lives especially "misfits" and i wanted them to have a place to come to remember him.

to those that can't cry...i've been having this for about the last 4 months or more. well this morning at work (i work alone in a windowless room in a very loud copper tubing factory) i was listening to a song on my mp3 and suddenly was sobbing and screaming NO NO NO! over and over and forest oh god don't leave me please please for about 45 minutes. luckily it is so loud out there no one ever heard me. so i guess my comment is guess what..i think it is all still in there squelched into a space so you can keep on dealing with life and probably some day the dam will break and out it will come. i thought i wasn't going to have these break downs ever again but now i'm thinking it will probably just keep resurfacing when my subconscious just can't keep it at bay any more. i was miserable but also relieved i could wail for my child. in a way it felt good to let myself feel that terrible for awhile. i deserve to feel the love that causes the pain and my son deserves to be mourned.

becky--wanted you to know your sign about texting is still being shared by others on my fb page

Gretchen, I did the same thing. Actually I am still finding myself at times drifting into another place. When I start to think of Jeff in a really intense way... I find myself disassociating. I have at times found my cell in the fridge...walked into a room and stood for ages having forgotten why I was there in the beginning. Stood at the bank having totally forgotten my pin number, etc. Finding things in places I have absolutely no recall of having placed there. And on and on. The mind has a way of protecting us from the worst kinds of pain. It does get better with time. But it does take a huge amount of patience and time to slowly begin to find yourself feeling as if you want to continue. It will happen. Bit by bit and day by day small happenings will occur to bring a sense of happiness again into your life.

Susan...believe us when we tell you that this awful hurt you feel at this time will slowly begin to gently ease. It took a full two years for me to even think I could live a life of meaning again. I had to teach myself how to live with Jeff no longer in my life. It is really hard. I am a person that does not really accept change all that well. Like an old oak tree I put down roots and stand my ground. When I found myself out of my comfort level after he died I had to begin to form a whole new life. It was something I had never expected or imagined. But the will to survive kicked in and you will find that it will for you as well. Accept all support you can. Do whatever it takes to help yourself get through this. Be kind to yourself and know that you must take it at your own speed. Forget what others tell you. You are in control here. There is no set time frame in grieving. Everyone goes at their own pace. Hope your meeting today helped a bit. Thinking of you and sending love and prayers.

Dee...thanks for posting about the surgeon's experience in his NDE. You know I am a true believer in life after this. It gives such strength to us when we are at our lowest and hurting and afraid. Just to know that this is not permanent makes it bearable.

Sherry...I can't understand the actions of others regarding their lack of support. I am sorry that you had to experience hurt like that. People are often so afraid to say anything out of fear that they will say the wrong thing. Mostly, people are afraid of death. It probably is the number one and dreaded fear that most people face. As if they can turn away and escape it. I loved your description of the rabbits holding a salt and pepper shaker. I can just picture the little guys merrily munching away on your carefully and lovingly nurtured vegie garden. I remember one early morning a neighbour of mine told me she was out for a walk and stopped to watch a family of deer feasting on my prize tulips in a large perrenial garden...whle I lay fast asleep. Instead of chasing them away she told me they looked so happy that she just left them to go at it.

Well, hang on everyone. David hope your day is a decent one. Leah...how are you? Carol...always such a kind word for everyone. Hope you are doing ok. (hugs)

Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you all so much for remembering my precious Andy. I have to share this with you because it was so amazing! Bunny, right after I read your comment saying "please send your mom the biggest sign today", I looked up from my computer and my entire living room was covered with rainbows. The sun must have been shining through the window just right, but that has NEVER happened before. I took pictures of it because it was so beautiful and it made my day!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY ANDY ANDY!

I love you forever my beautiful boy. Thank you for the rainbows!! <3

Blessings to all...

Love,

Pam

Hi Pam,

Just wanted to share this picture that my daughter took on her bedroom ceiling not quite one month after we lost Jared. Just one of many signs we have experienced!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[BrendaDup59]

Hi Becky I would like to post this on my face book if you do not mind. you did a wonderful job on this and people need reminding,

I will always feel the woman involved in my sons accident was at fault, there was no investigation just put the blame on my son saying he crossed the line ,they took the woman's word what happen. I guess I just have to live with it.

I am finding myself feeling so angry at everything, my husband,Kaleb, the poor dogs I am snapping at everyone, I feel like this valcano that is slowly boiling and I feel I cannot stop it . I guess I am at the angry stage, I keep thinking if only he had listened to me, but then I feel bad for being mad at him I know when he went on that ride that day he was enjoying himself and never thought he would not return, but I feel so angry he is gone why... my son? why do I have to watch my grand children grow up without him? they only way I can make it through the day is not think about him,then all it takes is someone mention his name and I am on this downward spiral the rest of the night. I miss him so much I guess it is time to get on some medication because I do not like myself right now..

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[Sholl1955]

Well, I went to the viewing for Megan tonight. It very clearly brought back feelings and emotions from 7 months ago when Sarah died. I didn't feel I was improving much, but found out tonight that some of the pain had changed because I feel so very bad tonight. I cried so much while there that I don't think I was much support to Megans mom. The funeral is in the morning. Sarah and Megan were both such sweet girls and fought with everything they had to beat the beast known as Breast Cancer. They both fought to be able to stay with their babies. At 33 years old it is just to soon. Part of me just wants to leave and go somewhere that no one knows me But wouldn't do that to my family. I hope I can keep it together at the funeral and not cry and be more supportive... Guess I will try to sleep some, I hope to some down soon to be able to come here and talk about positive things.

God bless all of you for being here.

Sandy

[Angel'sSon]

I'm on chat tonight which is really helping me. I'm still feeling lost!!!!

[Angel'sSon]

What a handsome man Dustin is. Susan, the pain is extreme because so is the love. The reaction to losing our Kids is like walking a mountain pass in the dark without a guide. There is no 'friggin' guide, there is no way of knowing what the next step is, where does the road narrow, where does it turn, what if i fall, what if I fall? We simply feel alone, raw, like an abandoned soul, and as alone as you are in that you are Dustin's Mom, we are all here knowing, shaking our heads up and down because we get it, because at some point in our tragic losses, we were there where you are now. Lost and alone. Please hang on, hang on and know that as much as you love Dustin, he loves you and nothing will ever take that away.

yes, lost and alone is so right. I love Dustin and I know he loved me. I just have to hold on to him and let the grieving take it's course. I went to my counselor today and I really don't want to go back. What good is it doing when all I think about is Dustin when i get home. yes, I'm scared of falling!!! I will have to take one step and one day at a time.

[Angel'sSon]

One day I would love to be a counselor, especially since going to counseling this morning. Just reading over all the posts on here are so overwhelming. At my age, I know that will never happen. My youngest daughter will be in town tomorrow. I can't wait to see her. I'm sure there will be tears shed over the loss of Dustin!!! My daughter will get to see Dustin's baby girl walking at 10 months old. It still makes me sad that he is not here to see his baby girl walking!!!!

[tobyfreefoot]

whoops double post

[tobyfreefoot]

these statues are actually bronzed fiberglass. not nearly as heavy or expense as they look. one represents this broken hearted mom and the other, my four children. i saw these last year and again this year at the state fair.

[mikesmomrs]

SUSAN and SANDY: I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time...my heart holds you both close and you are in my prayers for strength to get through these days. We do indeed have to hold onto that love that we knew, those memories, those moments we can bring forth to help us through the next minutes. SARAH, having to go to Megan's services is an incredibly painful thing to do...I am sure it brings everything up again and tears at your heart and keeps you in tears. A friend of mine had his baby granddaughter die of cancer (she was 5 years old) shortly after our Mike died, and her services were on the one month anniversary of Mike's passing. The pain I felt standing there, waiting during the wake and then the funeral the next day remains with me even now. You were very loving to go and be there. Even if you cried the whole time, I know they knew your pain, and understood your need to cry.

PAM: A very happy belated birthday to your beautiful boy, Andy. I am sorry I did not post earlier. I hope that he surrounded you with his sweet spirit and I am so glad to hear of the rainbow...beautiful. Just beautiful.

[mikesmomrs]

Today is my husband Mike's 70th birthday. He wanted so much to be here for that, so very much. It has been a very difficult day for me, filled with tears. My daughter is still here, and my younger daughter, Cathi, will be here tonight for dinner, so we will be together for the evening hours. I talked with Cathi earlier, and she is having a very difficult time also, so I guess we will be here for each other and perhaps bring about a smile or four, as we all wish their dad a happy birthday in heaven. We will try to put the tears aside and bring smiles with the love and memories we have stored in our hearts and warming our very souls. Kimberly and I went for a short hike yesterday, through a beautiful area known as Islinglass River (a favorite of young Mike's). We hiked down to the falls, which is where young Mike's boys scattered some of his ashes for his birthday the year after he died. While we were there, I came across a beautiful heart shaped rock, about three inches across, right next to the area where Mike always took his boys and they would rest there before looping back to the parking lot. Kim took a picture of the rock, and then I picked it up to bring it home with me. I set it on the kitchen counter and this morning I went to get it and bring it to the other room, when I noticed there was a dark spot near the bottom of the rock. There is a tiny heart now right near the bottom, and it was not there yesterday. I have the picture we took yesterday and we checked and it was not there. So, I guess our "two Mikes" have sent us a sign that they are here with us, indeed, and will celebrate with us tonight the sweet life that each of them lived and that we were blessed to share. Tomorrow some of the grandies will be here and we will celebrate more, and honor young Mike for his angelversary on Sunday. We will likely take some pumpkins to the memorial site again, and also let some balloons go in celebration of these two so very important people in our lives. A mixed emotion of a weekend, for sure, with hubby's birthday today and our son Mike's angelversary (6th, unbelievably!) on Sunday.

DEE: In your note on Care Pages today, you wished "may there be a heart in your day." Your message came at 7:30 am or so, and I found the little heart on the rock around 8:30 am. Thank you, dear friend, thank you.

Sharing our" heart finds" with you: (the hearts look a little bit different, but that's because the first picture was taken while it was still in the dirt and covered on some of the side.)

Happy birthday to my wonderful husband, MIKE...I hope you have an awesome birthday in heaven, with our son, Mike. Fly free, my loves, fly free. (and thank you for the hearts!)

[daveydow1]

Susan----Your son, Dustin, is indeed a very handsome young man.

Sandy----It must have been a very sorrowful experience to go to

sweet Megan's wake. So understandable that you would have so

many sad feelings. So good of you to go, as I know you wanted to

do it to honor Megan, and for her family. I'm so sorry.

Becky----That is such a good sign that you posted about Distracted Driving.

While no one disputes that drunken driving is insane and deadly, the truth

is that distracted driving is worse because a drunken driver will have slow

reaction time to a potential crash/accident, but a distracted driver......texting,

speeding dangerously, on the cellphone, sleeping at the wheel, or other distractions that will take his eyes and concentration off the road ahead will have NO reaction whatsoever.

I admire all your efforts to bring attention to this deadly problem.

Kate-----I guess the deer must have had a good time eating all your tulips. We

had the same problem a couple years ago where deer got into a tulip bed in

the front yard. This spring.....strangely enough....they left the tulips alone.

They have cleaned up literally every one of the chestnuts that had recently

fallen in the backyard from two trees. Not a one to be found. We didn't get to

catch a glance of the deer this fall because they would come at night, and our

outdoor security light is burned out right now. Must get the electricians

out to fix it. It's on a high pole so they have to use a bucket-truck.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY........MIKE. ANOTHER NEW ANGEL.

Dee-----I walked awhile today. Chilly, with a brisk breeze, but the scenery was

just lovely with all the trees/leaves & colors. It's to go down to the 20's tonight.

We've built a fire in the woodstove. I went to Sears and bought my mom an

electric blanket and took it down to her. The other one she had quit working,

and she had to pile on the covers (she's 92 and always cold), which caused

her arthritis to act up and she was losing sleep. I called her this a.m. to make

sure the blanket was working, and she said she got a nice night's rest last night.

She has very bad arthritis, so being cold just aggravates it. They combined our

soybean field yesterday........lots of dust in the air.....looked like a dust storm.

Lora-----Wishing you comfort.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[BrendaDup59]

Happy Heavenly 70th Birthday Mike ...

Carol what an awesome sign your Mikes gave you.My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughters. Love Brenda

[Angel'sSon]

SUSAN and SANDY: I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time...my heart holds you both close and you are in my prayers for strength to get through these days. We do indeed have to hold onto that love that we knew, those memories, those moments we can bring forth to help us through the next minutes. SARAH, having to go to Megan's services is an incredibly painful thing to do...I am sure it brings everything up again and tears at your heart and keeps you in tears. A friend of mine had his baby granddaughter die of cancer (she was 5 years old) shortly after our Mike died, and her services were on the one month anniversary of Mike's passing. The pain I felt standing there, waiting during the wake and then the funeral the next day remains with me even now. You were very loving to go and be there. Even if you cried the whole time, I know they knew your pain, and understood your need to cry.

PAM: A very happy belated birthday to your beautiful boy, Andy. I am sorry I did not post earlier. I hope that he surrounded you with his sweet spirit and I am so glad to hear of the rainbow...beautiful. Just beautiful.

First, Heavenly birthday to Andy!!!!! I went to my counselor and it really didn't help me. Being here helps me!!!! My thoughts are just being at Dustin's funeral and wanting him to just open his eyes. I still don't get it,,,why us!!!! I never would have thought that I'd get a knock on my door with my daughter in law telling me my son shot himself. I was in shock and kept saying no, no not my son. She wanted to tell me the bad news, instead of policemen coming to my door. I miss him more and more!!! I can't even think about the good memories for thinking about the funeral!!! I'm just writing what comes to my mind...I hope this is normal!!!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, thinking of you over the next few days. I also see that it is young Mike's anniversary in the next two days. Sending love and prayers your way. Happy Birthday, Ralph!

Kate

[ericasmom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET MIKE---you are missed but you are celebrated for all the glory you brought to the world, for the most lovely smile on the face of your sweet wife, that smile when she tells a story of you. Cheers Mike, we raise our teacups and wine glasses to you tonight---May your Birthday in Heaven be a huge joy.

Carol, finding the heart rock was a great and wonderful sign, and then the baby heart ! which is undeniably a heart and put there by your Sweethearts. And from Heaven to Earth the power of ones heart is known.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, the walk sounds lovely and returning home to the stove fire is nice. So nice that your Mom had a good cozy night of it last night with the new blanket. Sweet.

Susan, I am glad that being here is helpful and yes, it is fine to just say what comes to mind, that is what we all have done here. Just knowing that you are communicating is good, that you are able to let folks know how you are is important. That knock on the door must have been so very devastating. It will be a while until you are able to let go of the constant replay of the funeral and the fantasy of Dustin opening his eyes. Hang on.

Sandy, I hope that you are resting after so emotional a week as you have had with the wake and possibly the funeral today. Lord knows the drain of going through another one so soon and also so closely related to your Loss. Nothing easy about that. I am glad that you are able to see and feel however, the steps you have taken when you take that backward glance.

[Guest]

....

[Angel'sSon]

Sherry, the walk sounds lovely and returning home to the stove fire is nice. So nice that your Mom had a good cozy night of it last night with the new blanket. Sweet.

Susan, I am glad that being here is helpful and yes, it is fine to just say what comes to mind, that is what we all have done here. Just knowing that you are communicating is good, that you are able to let folks know how you are is important. That knock on the door must have been so very devastating. It will be a while until you are able to let go of the constant replay of the funeral and the fantasy of Dustin opening his eyes. Hang on.

Sandy, I hope that you are resting after so emotional a week as you have had with the wake and possibly the funeral today. Lord knows the drain of going through another one so soon and also so closely related to your Loss. Nothing easy about that. I am glad that you are able to see and feel however, the steps you have taken when you take that backward glance.

Thanks Dee...I've been on chat for the second time. I love being on there. It brings me a little peace to know what to say that comes to my mind. I have tears in my eyes as I write. Thank you,,,Dee!!!!!

[Angel'sSon]

Before I go to bed, I want Dustin, my son, to know how much I miss him and love him. God, this doesn't seem real. The tears in my eyes are real. I just can't understand how my son could do this...end his own life!!! He had everything going for him. I want this nightmare to end. I want to believe he is still here with me...but he's not. I don't have my best friend to talk to!!! Why and how...I will never understand!!!! I love you and miss you so much son!!!!! MOM loves you!!!!! I don't know how I will ever begin to get over this...but I guess someday, somehow I will!!!

[Angel'sSon]

I was finally able to add some pictures to my gallery on here. With tears in my eyes, I posted each one and just saying WHY!!! I'm so proud of my son now and always!!!!!!

[Angel'sSon]

I so wish that I could talk to someone on here. I feel so lost and I can't sleep. It keeps goiing over and over in my mind how this could happen to my son. What was it that made my son take his own life. I can't have him back as much as I want to. Just to say I love you son and have him say I love you mom and give me a kiss on the cheek. I miss that!!!! I miss everything about him. I'm sorry if I keep posting on here...but I feel like this is my safe place!!!! I hope that makes since!!! Thanks to all of you on here who have helped me with dealing with the loss of my son!!!!! You do make a difference in my life!!!! Rather what life I have left on this earth!!!!

[ericasmom]

Susan, I am glad that being in chat helps you out, I know it is hard when nobody is there and you cannot sleep. Writing here though when that occurs is good, sometimes you will catch someone also not sleeping and have a conversation.

I think when parents lose a child to suicide, it poses a ball of so many loose ends that always end up with the end question of WHY? I am so sorry for this kind of turmoil. Is Dustin's wife any help in sorting through what was going on with Dustin?

My thoughts to you and I hope you can grab a nap,

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, so verry sorry that you are having such a difficult time. It is totally understandable that after such a short period of time that you are experiencing all of these emotions. I agree with Dee in that continuing to keep an open dialogue on the forum can help beyond measure to get it out. You are sharing with others that are going through the same grief process and therefore totally understand.

We sat across from our family Doc many months after Jeff died while he read the autopsy report. We were in a fog of pain and denial and terrible shock. It was so unexpected and came at us like a brick wall. In the end, he told us that we could question everything until the day we died...but in truth...we would never have the answers we longed to know. Since that day...we have worked very hard at focusing on the positives of everything Jeff was. We remember all of the good times and the best of him. In time you will find that you will start to do the same thing. It hurts like hell to think you may have done something to have helped him from that dreadful action. We felt the same way. However, in the end he made a decision and followed through. We do not love him any the less. We are not angry with him. We feel the utmost compassion that he suffered from his depression in silence. You could not possibly have known what was in his mind that fateful day. Please hold on to the loving memories and go easy on yourself. This is going to take ages to work through. Be patient and hold on to the fact you will be reunited again one day. One day at a time. Please try to take good care of yourself. (HUGS)

Kate

[shorty16]

Kate

I feel, the doctor that told you "You would question everything - but in truth - we would have no answers" is a wise man.

He gave you a gift that took me over 2 years to obtain. I will never know why Brian climbed on the hood of that car, Why his friend drove 68 mph with 2 kids on the hood, and Why Brian died and the others walked away.

Like Greg said, "I will beat my head against the wall until I just cannot do it anymore" That is exactly what happed. But those 2 years of torturing myself were tough.

I like your doctor's advice.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Hi Dee

Is is raining by you?

It is by us!!!

Cloudy, rainy, the perfect day for candles, a movie and a warm drink.

Thinking of you, my friend!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

It is raining Col, chilly windy rain. Tomorrow we walk in the Ron Santo Walk for Diabetes for Kids...we walk for my Daughter in Law's nephew. It should be a big muddy field in which to gather along the lakefront as it is supposed to rain most of the night. It is such a heart warming event so that will keep us walking.

How are you Col? And I agree, Kate's doc gave good advice.

I am reading a book by Allyson Packer and in it is a story that describes early grief to a tee. The mom can't wait till her husband and daughter leave for the day so that she can spend 7 uninterrupted hours laying on her son's bed and listening to his favorite music. She is obsessed with this routine since his death, that is as far as I have gotten but it is in books such as these that I have found so much healing over the years. that folks write these feelings out and build stories around them, letting those that don't know get a view of life for us now. Good stuff.

I was thinking that we should all post our favorite books that deal with grief, either non-fiction or fiction for our newest members, perhaps it will help a bit.

[cas1984]

my prayers are w my new bi family. thanks for all ur support! means alot.. Susan;David,Dee,Carol, Erica's mom,kate,lora & brenda,Becky,jd's mom and anybody else my lost mind has accidently forgotten I want you to know you have my most sincere prayers. I to just want to stay in my pajamas all day & cry & do very often w my 3 yr old. most the time puttn up a front for him but he knows when i cry why im crying he hugz me and says Bubby loves you" I love u mama" I only hope I can be where alot of u are at soon as I cant take much more intense sadness. My roommate/best friend passed away 6 yrs ago 3 months after he my son my b/f and I bought our house together he too went to sleep only in my room laid at foot of my bed and never woke up then my step father died of a staf infection then my soulmate/ ex husband love of my life of 28 yrs lung cancer,my aunt cancer,my best friends mom emphasema,my favorite hair stylist cancer,my 27 yr old only God given child/best friend very close to a phobia (son) in his sleep,my other aunt kidney failure 1 month after my son died,my ex brother in law my sons biological dads twin just 3 months ago along w lots of pets dogs cat kittens bunnies thruout the past two yrs and 4 animal deaths after my son died! Its alot to take. I am a animal lover & so is my son Cassidy. He loved bringing home strays ppl & animals. wanted to save the world. We are so inbelievably alike its unreal! The biggest part of me died when I lost Cassidy! My heart is heavy. The tears dont stop.. Im so good at helping ppl Yet not myself..My husband knows Im not sleeping but an hr to 1/2 hr a nite as I have a bad bad sleep disorder but my sleeping pill is was very agressive called ambien & if u look up its history u wud see it has bad side affects all true my worst is memory loss. Dont need that I already have bad memory loss dont need to add on but otherwise I cant sleep & thats a bit scary & I have to be functionalable for Joseph our 3 yr old. Miss Cassidy's major help w him. He longed for a sibling for 25 yrs hating being an only child! In 2009 his ex gf gave her brother & I her 3rd baby at 26 days old. Being in a wheelchair w no cartillage in my hips cant stand or walk kinda bad timing but we never took it serious being who does that also being afraid she wud change her mind after we got attached but my son & her assured me that wud never happen when she cant handle the two she already had ( monsters) now she has another since then and after Cassidys demise word is she is pregnant w another! but just like I thought Joseph still isnt legally ours tho she signed over her rights twice once in 2009 & again in 2011 yet after lots of drama since my son left me I get lots of threats Joseph doesnt even know her name bcus he gets no calls or visits ever yet she wants him back but I cant see her taking him from her brother as hes never had kids of his own & she has no connection other than biologically! Basically I believe since my son didnt love her the way she loved him she blames me tho I never asked for a baby ever after 40 yrs old I get to look like bad guy The woman who took her biological baby on facebook more an attention getter but drama is something I dont need. In my eyes & my heart hes mine Especially after 3 yrs of never being away from eachother but once. Cas promised everytime she wud get mad at him she wud threaten me to take my little one & he wud promise she will never take him. Its a little hard now for him to keep his promise where hes at. I got so much depression tragedy so I dont need her drama dont need any drama in my life. I just want peace! I read all ur stories daily & just knowing my off the wall feeling that my few friends & family dont get at all they think I lost touch w reality especially when I say imagine ur kid in a casket before you and ur decision for the year is cremate or bury my child how wud u feel ur upset ur kid moved out but I never get to see mine again and Im nuts I lost it I need help but BI family really makes me feel Im not crazy Thank u all for sharing ur emotions honestly. My friends& family have either abandoned me or labelled me & given up on me. My best friend of 24 yrs hasnt seen me since the wake Jan 24th 2012. Ive alwayz been there for her for everything from her sister abandoning her to breakups personal dr check up worries to losing a job yet my son dies and she blows me off for 8 month 9 today Today is 9 months since I found my baby on our couch yelowish warm lifeless mouth open alone in my wheelchair trying my best to pull him off our couch and administer cpr which was very hard for me not being able to get leverage for the chest thrusts no cartillage in my hips bone on bone. I cried gave up knowing I wasnt making a difference and just threw myself on his chest & cried! I gave up!!Scared & alone w my 3 yr old and 911 yelling at me to fill his lungs w air or hes going to die I relive that every day like a video.. Im beside myself today. No Im just straight up devastated & crying for him like a baby. Theres nothing that could hurt me more. Cassidy is my week point Hes it! Everybody says Im strong after losing my baby in 1992 My car gettn blown up in my parking lot in1990 My navy husband cheating on me in the aids capital of the world my house gettn robbed by little gang members in 1995 My divorce, 6 yrs in this wheelchair w excruciating pain daily & losing so many family members friends pets but my son... He was it! Theres my w final straw. My world, reason, life.. I deeply feel like I cant live without him. Im trying but just waking up to another day knowing no calls, texts hugz,that big lite up the room smile, hearing my favorite sentences " Dont worry Mama, You got me!"&I love you Mama!" We have matching Infinity signs on our right hands wrist means so much! Our bond nobody could ever break or understand Inseperatable!! Having to wait till my death to see if what some ppl believe We will meet again. How I hope & pray thats true. How I hope thats not like an adult fairytale made up many moons ago so humanity can cope w loss. How I wish everybody had the same belief religion bcus reincarnation scares me profoundly! I cant imagine my son being raised conceived born to a bad, neglectful, unloving family or a bunch of drug addicts or child abusers molesters. Im scared his memory will be erased & his time w me was it! Our life together as mama & son is over. I hate thinking that. All the what ifs & Not knowing whats next.. Scary. Im venting Im babbling Im so lost & alone I need Cassidy so bad.. My world seems like its over. How did he get chosen? What did I do so terrible? I alwayz took less fortunate ppl in, helped my friends w money,rides, place to stay,worked volunteer w mentally handicapped developmentally challenged for so many yrs, mental institutions group homes, nursing homes, love the elderly but of all my sins as Im no saint, what cud be worth losing my only child well..God given child? I have no purpose. I need to be needed. Now that I dont work & just take care of my 3 yr old other than that whats my reason? God why? I need my son it hurts so bad I see no door opening for every closed door one opens..Nobody can or will ever replace him

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Dee and Colleen. Yes, he was so right in his advice. He knew us all as a family for years. Dee, now you are probably getting the rain that we had last weekend...mixed with snow. A perfect reason to curl up with a good book and a warm comforter. We have had a lovely week as far as the weather is concerned. Once the nasty weather system passed away we had sunny skies and a lovely sun.

Dee, I understand about the woman needing to walk through her sons routines. Many times I walk into Jeff's room and lay down on his bed curled up in his Minnesota Vikes blanket to just reflect and often fall asleep in a much needed release from the hurt. I actually does help do do that as far as I am concerned. Other times I throw his housecoat over me that still has his scent on it. To the lay person this would creep them out. But to me it is a necessary form of a type of therapy. A chance to reflect on the memories brought to the surface from the all too familiar smells that I remember. Good luck on your walk tomorrow!

We decided to hike into the site today. It has been several days since we had the opportunity. It was a serene experience. The birds have almost all left for sunnier and warmer climes. As we sat on the memorial bench we felt a close connection to Jeff. The busier times in the summer provide a diversion...birds, and all kinds of things to take away our attention. This time it was a difficult visit. We really felt the moment and walked away in silence and tearful reflection. As I walked away I put my hands behind me as I always do in an open way. Turned up. Asking him to give me a high five. A single butterfly flew out of the bush and followed us almost out of the woods. Must have been my perfume that attracted it.

Thinking of everyone on this chilly fall evening. Take care.

Kate

[cas1984]

A very heavenly happy birthday to daddy mike & u are very blessed to get the heart signs from ur boyz. To lose the son & father I cant imagine the double trauma depression & anxiety u are going thru but know u are very lucky very blessed to receive signs. I need that so bad but as cruel as this sounds as angry as my Cassidy was w God for my inability to walk then adjust then lose cartillage in my wrists shoulders then spine maybe his punishment is never to be ablee to communicate w me in any way for eternity. That is hell for my son & I bcus I have no way of explaining why he comforted my husband his best friend in a dream two days after he died but yet We are very very close talk about death alot open to dreamz where my husband never dreamz and Cas knows I receive dreamz well from my deceased best friend & have for 6 yrs. I need badly what you got, signs from ur boyz.. I have to know my son is ok just hearing it isnt enuf... Susan: I Know exactly how u feel in everyway. Cant stop crying cant get out of bed, want to know why why so many questions, life seems that it will never be the same without my bestfriend/son my right hand. He loved me so much he couldnt even see my wheelchair. Cas still saw his strong Mama who he believed cud fix anything & everything. Susan I desperately begged him as I rubbed his cold hands to pls open ur beautiful eyes and Oh God why you? How are you in a casket & not me? Im 46 yrs old, I lived my life And as scared as I WAS of death not knowing whats next, The blk body bag, autopsy being cut open like a slaughter house, Tho the thought of being burnt in an incinerator or burried covered w dirt being in a casket No matter how much fear I had of all that Id rather it be me then him. I raised my son he left behind a 4 yr old. I cried for a yr over a celebrity leaving behind his 3 kids I adore Michael Jackson the man,the son, the father. So for my family & friends think" 9 months today is long enuf, move on" They just dont know! and think Im morbid to ask them to understand my feelings emotions & what Im dealing with put urself in our place. This is why I Love my BI family you all get Susan & I. Susan I feel you I asked you to call me. Im here for you! Not just words. Every emotion feeling u have mentioned.. Im still there. Its not getting softer easier but Im trying so hard to be all I can to be the best Mama I can for my 3 yr old Joseph Cas adored adores him us my husband whos never ever here mon thru sat from 6 am to 9pm 10 even midnite in construction. So Im doing this alone! Very alone!!I want to help others but I cant help myself if nothing more... listen let u cry to me vent question express what u miss what took place before Dustin made that fatal decision that tore up ur life or just talk about his life So pls call 602 686 7004 anytime not just words hugz to you & all that are missing ur loved ones tonite Bunny Cassidy Lei's Mama <3

[Angel'sSon]

My daughter came in from out of town. We went to the cemetary. She asked me if I could handle it, I said come on let's go. Did I handle it, Nope!!! I broke down. Then after visiting with Dustin's baby girl...It was a nightmare all over again!!! My daughter has to go back home in the morning and she gave me a hug and asked if I was going to be alright!!! I told her yea and she said mom you are lying to me!!! She said she doesn't want to leave me, but she is a nurse and has to be back to work!!! I tried to tell her that I would be ok. After 2 months without Dustin, I feel like it's all starting over again. Did I go to the gravesite too soon...Yes!!!! Did I go see Dustin's baby girl at his house too soon....Yes!!! All I wanted to do was get out of that house!!! At the gravesite, I wanted to just dig down and grab Dustin and hold him close and tell him I love him and him saying mom, I love you and kissing me on my cheek!!! Nothing is right!! I almost feel like I'm posting on here for the first time, just in a daze!!!! I've had the support of being on here and slowly learning some names. I really am in need of support now. I don't want to be anywhere, but I can't do that!!!!!

[Angel'sSon]

I'm really scared...I don't want to be here anymore!!! Just want to be with my son!!!! Drinking and thinking!!!! I've done it before and I can do it again and be with my son!!!!

[ericasmom]

Susan, please stop! Your Daughter does not need to also mourn her Mom, please. PLEASE hang on.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[JDG]

Susan, I feel so bad for you. Today is 9 years since we lost Jason. I can hardly write this. I miss him so much.

We belong to a club that couldn't pay a person all the money in the world to join. You are lucky to have your sons daughter.

I would give anything for that. You need to grieve long and hard. When Jason died I was so lost I couldn't cry and ended up

in the hospital. Tears will relieve stress, though you will always want to die. We want to die to be with them, but we know that

taking our lives may be the one thing that will prevent us from ever seeing them. We are enduring the worst thing that can happen to a person. I'm here if you need to talk to someone. God bless, Dan.

[Sholl1955]

Susan please hang in there and keep coming to this site. I have a 30 year old daughter who was very close to her sister who died in March and she is having a terrible time dealing with losing her, they were very close and I think she is avoiding grieving and has shut me out for the time being. However, I KNOW if something happened to me it would be more than she could take right now. Our daughters and our grandaugters need us so much (I have 3 of them) They need us to help them through their grief, and that little grandaughter needs you her to help keep her Daddy's memory alive. No one can do that like you!! I know that the pain is relentless. I am finding that the caring people here, who have been here longer than I have, are able to offer alot of help and wisdom about this journey that seems like more than we can bear. Keep coming and talking and sharing your heart. Many care. I care.

Sandy

[mscottfoster]

Hello everybody,

JD's mom said this were the most active conversation is. So I thought I post here. My wife and I lost our daughter, Nicaea, at 38 weeks. It was completely unexpected. Our first three children were born without very little trouble. It has been painful for the entire family. I wrote a few blog posts about it. Maybe they will help you. It helped me just to write about it:

1) http://mscottfoster....pt-1-questions/

2) http://mscottfoster....er-pt-2answers/

3) http://mscottfoster....inful-blessing/

4) http://mscottfoster....eaven-on-earth/

The content is very descriptive in parts and there are a few pictures. They could trigger something.

Warmly,

M. Scott

[Sholl1955]

I have been reading some of Dr.Alan Wolfelt's grief books and getting alot of help from them. There is a specific one for those who have lost a loved one to Suicide. I had the opportunity to attend one of Dr.Wolfelts Seminars a month after our Sarah died. It was hard to decide to go but very good for me and I respect his wisdom and compassion he has regarding the grief process.

Megan's funeral was hard, but it amazed me how many lives she touched in her short 33 years. It was the same with Sarah. These young women fought so hard and reached out to others in spite of what was happening to them. I think I have taken a few steps backwards from impact of the additional grief the past weeks as I am having vivd flashbacks to Sarahs last weeks with us. But I do know I will just have to keep taking one day at a time as I have had to do the past 7 months.

Thank you to everyone for your supportive and kind messages.

Sandy

[Jeff's Mom]

I'm really scared...I don't want to be here anymore!!! Just want to be with my son!!!! Drinking and thinking!!!! I've done it before and I can do it again and be with my son!!!!

Susan, I want you to listen to me very carefully. I know how much pain you are feeling... as do all of the others on this site. I want you to try to look into the future if you followed through with what you are thinking. How will it impact other family members? Do you have siblings,parents, children or grandchildren that will block out your name to surpress the memory of how you died. The pain that the survivors are left to deal with is so very hard. I know that when a person reaches that point that they are in a very dark place indeed. All rational thought is out the window. They think that maybe they are doing others a favour by not causing more tension and worry. Depression is a horrible illness. It is as legitimate as any other physical illness. It hurts like hell.

To those who are focusing on the worst of the memories about the first few days after your child's death....PLEASE STOP! You are hurting yourself beyond measure. They have left their physical bodies and are now in another place. Please as hard as it is try to remember the beautiful memories and good times you shared together. They would want that. As far as a Doctor performing an autopsy....it is done with the utmost of respect. They are after all professionals and they handle the body with dignity...as if it were one of their own family. But this procedure should not be focused on. They would not want you to carry on like this. In fact...they would probably be pretty ticked off at us for doing that. Why? Becuase they are at peace now and doing fine.

Susan I hope you will call your counselor and tell her you are having these thoughts. It is normal to feel panic and a need to be with them again at the beginning. But we all know that cannot be. Please try to get outside today and do something that gives you some comfort. Take a relaxing stroll and maybe drop into a coffee shop and just sit for a bit. Get out of the house and be with others. It will do you good. Please take care. And please keep posting.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

I have been reading some of Dr.Alan Wolfelt's grief books and getting alot of help from them. There is a specific one for those who have lost a loved one to Suicide. I had the opportunity to attend one of Dr.Wolfelts Seminars a month after our Sarah died. It was hard to decide to go but very good for me and I respect his wisdom and compassion he has regarding the grief process.

Megan's funeral was hard, but it amazed me how many lives she touched in her short 33 years. It was the same with Sarah. These young women fought so hard and reached out to others in spite of what was happening to them. I think I have taken a few steps backwards from impact of the additional grief the past weeks as I am having vivd flashbacks to Sarahs last weeks with us. But I do know I will just have to keep taking one day at a time as I have had to do the past 7 months.

Thank you to everyone for your supportive and kind messages.

Sandy

Sandy, it sounds to me as if you are working very hard to get throught his! Good for you. It is amazing how these two young women are reunited together again having suffered the same illness. I am really sorry for your losses. I'm sure it gives you a degree of comfort in some small way to know that they as best friends are with each other. The book sounds really interesting. Think I'll check it out. Thanks.

Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Hello everybody,

JD's mom said this were the most active conversation is. So I thought I post here. My wife and I lost our daughter, Nicaea, at 38 weeks. It was completely unexpected. Our first three children were born without very little trouble. It has been painful for the entire family. I wrote a few blog posts about it. Maybe they will help you. It helped me just to write about it:

1) http://mscottfoster....pt-1-questions/

2) http://mscottfoster....er-pt-2answers/

3) http://mscottfoster....inful-blessing/

4) http://mscottfoster....eaven-on-earth/

The content is very descriptive in parts and there are a few pictures. They could trigger something.

Warmly,

M. Scott

Welcome, M. Scott. I am so sorry to learn of your baby daughter's passing. I am amazed at your spiritual strength. I read all your writings, and thank you for sharing them. May God continue to bring healing to you and your family.

[mikesmomrs]

I am going in right now to have dinner with my family... Friday was Ralph's birthday and today is Mike's 6th angelversary...SUSAN: My prayers are with you for strength. I will come back later tonight to post mroe, but for now I just watned to tell Susan to PLEASE hang in there. It IS hard, it IS, for sure, but your children are here for you.

Right now, I want to post this picture memorial I made for Mike this morning...we all went up to the cemetery this afternoon, and it was truly difficult. There is no marker for my husband yet, and it is really hard. But, for now, today is Mike's anniversary and we are trying to honor their LIFE, instead of focusing on their not being here.

Here is the photo tribute I did for Mike today:

The pictures are: Mike and Sarah in Jamaica on their honeymoon; Mike at a Red Sox game, Mike in his "hippie hat," Mike holding Damon; Chandler, Mike and Kameron; Mike holding Kameron, Mike holding Chandler, and Mike looking over us all. I love him so much, and miss him terribly.

Mike...living on in our hearts and our memories...always, always remembered and spoken of, speaking your name every day. MIKE, MIKE, MIKE...loving you.

Thank you all so muich for being here. Sending love and strength.

[BrendaDup59]

Carol I just wanted to tell you I was thinking about you and I pray both your husband and son are with you and holding you tight tonight , your memorial was beautiful of your son. Love Brenda

[ericasmom]

JDG and M.Scott, welcome though of course we wish you never had the need to find a place to grieve. We are however grateful for this place, many of us knowing that it is one big reason that we find our footing in life again. JDG, I have been here for 9 years, Erica was killed in July of 2003. M. Scott, sadness with the loss of your little baby-girl. Prayers and hope to you both as you step into this place and get to know us. Don't be daunted by the number of us, do not try to learn our names at this point, simply share with us and as you read our posts you will come to know us.

It is windy and strange here in Chicagoland today. We walked for Juvi-diabetes this morning under very heavy skies and after a night of rain but it did not rain one drop on us until the walk was over and we were headed for our cars. Thank you heaven. Then later on I walked some more as it was so pretty out, the colors and the sky changing with each wind. When I wandered home I needed a nap realizing that I was tired and when I lay down the tornado sirens went off. I still napped and we did not have a tornado but it sure was wild weather.

[ericasmom]

MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE

Six years is a long long time for your Family to not see and hold you but you sure have been a busy Angel showing them through each turn that you are ever-present in their lives, loving them from every place you are. Keep sending your heart to Mom and the kids and your sisters. I know that you have your Dad with you now, your first anniversary with your Pops by your side, I expect that you are two bright orbs in the night sky.

Please always know how your story and your words to your Mom and Dad have reached the hearts of so many.

Carol, you hold so many together with your spirit and your strength, if ever you need to lean, I am here.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I am going in right now to have dinner with my family... Friday was Ralph's birthday and today is Mike's 6th angelversary...SUSAN: My prayers are with you for strength. I will come back later tonight to post mroe, but for now I just watned to tell Susan to PLEASE hang in there. It IS hard, it IS, for sure, but your children are here for you.

Right now, I want to post this picture memorial I made for Mike this morning...we all went up to the cemetery this afternoon, and it was truly difficult. There is no marker for my husband yet, and it is really hard. But, for now, today is Mike's anniversary and we are trying to honor their LIFE, instead of focusing on their not being here.

Here is the photo tribute I did for Mike today:

The pictures are: Mike and Sarah in Jamaica on their honeymoon; Mike at a Red Sox game, Mike in his "hippie hat," Mike holding Damon; Chandler, Mike and Kameron; Mike holding Kameron, Mike holding Chandler, and Mike looking over us all. I love him so much, and miss him terribly.

Mike...living on in our hearts and our memories...always, always remembered and spoken of, speaking your name every day. MIKE, MIKE, MIKE...loving you.

Thank you all so muich for being here. Sending love and strength.

Love the pictures! My heart to you, Carol. Stay strong, lean on those near you, and of course all of us here. I know you are sad, but the thought of both Mike's together today is precious. Hold on.

[daveydow1]

mscottfoster----So very sorry for your loss of your dear sweet

little baby girl. I hope that you can come back to BI and read/post.

This site is always here.....everyone understands. Peace to you.

Carol---Thanks for posting the memorial pics.

Becky---I admire your dedication in trying to get some laws changed

to make roads safer. Yes...I agree that police do need to have

some sort of specialized training to ascertain whether someone

caused an accident when using a cellphone to talk or text. There

was a fatal accident a couple years ago near here, where a young

girl went left of center hitting an oncoming car head-on, and killing

the elderly couple. In that case, she did admit to being on her cellphone.

They did cellphone records checks, and the calls made, were indicated

to be at the time of the crash. Drivers also should be checked for alcohol

and drug use in any fatal crash....and not after several hours. Then....in

the case of our son, Davey's, death.....the truck driver admitted that he

fell asleep. The Highway Patrol that talked to us said....."what else could

he do but admit it.....there were 50 witnesses.....why else could someone

crash into many cars in broad daylight....the truck was checked for any

problems, and none were found". Very hard for the police or other drivers

to pin down a drowsy driver, unless he/she is weaving all over the road.

You are honoring your dear JD's memory by all your efforts to change laws.

Kate----I think that the way you lie down and cover with Jeff's blanket, or

use his housecoat is such a very good thing to do, and to those who have

not suffered the horrific loss of a child.....it may sound odd. But....to all of

us here at BI, I think we all understand. I still have two prs. of David's jeans

that I don't wash. Seems like that would be just putting him more into the past.

No way do I think that these things are odd. They are our little ways of being

close to our dear children. After my little Lisa died, (a couple days after she

died), we were gone from home for what must have been all day, and when

we came home......everything of Lisa's was GONE......crib, clothing, toys,

playpen, bottles etc. My family came and cleaned it all out......thinking that the

sight of these items would upset us more. To this day, ( over 40 yrs. later), I

wish they had not done that. I didn't cry & fight with them for doing it, (not my way),

but wish they had left things alone. I still have a few of her clothes, & a few toys....

that's all. So nice that the weather was good and you were able to go to Jeff's

gravesite. Peace to you.

Dee-----I've been doing a lot of walking. Now that the soybean fields are all

harvested, there's a clear view, and easier to walk to the woods. 70 degrees

today, but rain tonight. Had lunch with my daughter, Becky, today. Such a nice

time we had......don't get together like that too often.....she's so busy with a

very heavy load for college....classes & student teaching.

Susan----Sending thoughts & prayers for strength and comfort in these very

sad and difficuld times. Wishing you peace.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

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