Loss of an Adult Child

[cas1984]

Im so close to my yr without my boy! My Birthday passed in June and celebrate without him Im sry there was nothing to celebrate. It wasnt the same. The house feels different he lit up a room w his smile .When I learn how to work this site Ill finish my profile & post pictures.. I dont feel he finished his purpose in life. I have.He is just like Mama, We wanted our animal absolute no kill shelter . He brought home every stray human or animal. Never knew the word no & many girls saw him coming they knew he is a push over! Whats unfair is why him why not me? Im 46 full of illness one extreme to another hes 27 so healthy full of life just very depressed over not being able to see his daughter since his wife prior to thier marriage put another guy on Eternity Loves Birth certificate so other than her 2nd mobth to her 6th month and 6 months they lived w us when she was 2 yrs old all he got was very seldom pizza n park visits under a hr but very costly so some dads dont want to be there and then the ones that do, the girl uses baby as weapons bank deposits. sad! The drastuc horrible thing about the 1 yr mark coming in 4 months is its supposed to subside w time not hurt more & tho life goes in & ppl who he helped & didnt want nothing but a thank u & to be loved! Where are all those ppl not even a dollar store fake rose in his casket. He saw that 30 ppl attended his wake & most hadnt even textd him un yrs until they needed something At 27 30 ppl how sad and we often talkd about whats tabboo for alot we wanted to knw casket or cremated he said neither! Great Thx Cassidy! Not possible We talkd about us coming back somehow to let the other know what happens after & if we are ok to comfort the other bcus we were closer than most due to my disassociative abnesia regressing to a 17 yr old for a yr. Ill share at a later time.Tomorrows is going to play in my head like a video 8 months Oh Lord Its going to be like Mother's Day, My Birthday,and his Daddy's Day& he £ovez Easter so all hard hard emotional times just heart crushing but Easter especially bcus he stated last yr llets go get our Easter Bunny pictures Mama this is my last. I took it to heart & off we went to the mall.Cas my hero my protector right hand he put my wheelchair in my Honda trunk & then Turkey Day he said the same thing! I never doubted he'd die before 30 yrs old but I thought Id go first, it was enevitable. To all I may have offended w the God questions like a kid but if I don' t ask I'll never know pls dont take anything I say personal! I dont think before I say

thinkn isnt my fortay, isnt my practice Might be a good thing but right now I dont or havent cared about paying my bills! I knw life goes on move on cas wud want that blah blah no he wudnt he truly wanted us to die together when i found out another valve wasnt working. so I know how attatched we are& hated/ hate being apart! ie:10 months Military academy nitemare couldnt breath All are diff hes selfish that way me too!

[aim630]

Glad to see your post Carol. I know the past few weeks have been difficult without Ralph. I love seeing your profile picture on Facebook. You both look so cute in your wedding picture. A beginning of a lifetime of love and support for the two of you, but not long enough, I know. Mike and Ralph are so good at sending you signs! Keep "rambling", not that it's rambling to us. You've been such a great support and comfort to us all.

Cassidy's mom-I'm sorry for the loss of your son. All the "firsts" are so difficult. Keep coming back and talking about Cassidy. It helps to share with others that understand.

Robin-I understand about a counselor not understanding unless they've been through this themselves. This group has been my "counseling" although others have felt great comfort and help from seeing a professional. We all have to get through this in our own way.

Saturday was pretty difficult (my mother in law's gravesite service.I saw people I hadn't seen since Ashley passed. They wanted to know the whole story, and I completely broke down telling it. My husband's step-niece, Teri, was pregnant with twins several years ago. they were born several months prematurely. One died and the other (who is now 4) has cerebral palsy and is autistic. I will never forget at Ashley's funeral, she came up to me and said that Ashley was taking care of her (Teri's) baby now in heaven until Teri could be with him. Strangely, that comforted me somehow. She is only 30, but understands, and knew the right words to comfort me.

Katie is coming home in about 2 wks (her first time driving the 3 hrs by herself). Of course I will worry about her until she's home, and then when she's driving back on Sunday, but I'll be glad to see her.

Several of you posted rainbow pictures recently, and I saw a double rainbow last Friday evening. I didn't have a camera though. Maybe some of our angels were sending us signs!

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Amy, I know that Saturday must have been difficult, the retelling and all that funerals do to our hearts after the hardest loss of all.

Glad Katie is coming home for a weekend, have a great time. Is she still enjoying her studies?

Cassidy's Mom, it sounds like you are feeling the absolute heartache that everyone here understands. Facing the onward march of time without our precious Ones is the ultimate sacrifice. The thing is, we don't get to know why they left early and trying to figure it out is a torment to your soul. All we can question in my estimation is HOW? How will we deal with this day? How will we live in their light? How will we make the most of the time that we are here because WE ARE HERE for a reason of some sort? How will we honor our Child with our lives?

Let us know more about Cassidy when you can.

[shorty16]

Hello everyone,

It has finally cooled-off here - YEAH!!!

Just in time for the Green Bay Packers vs the Chicago Bears tonight at Lambeau Field!!!!!

Go Pack!!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

Cassidy's Mom,

Who said the pain is suppose to subside in just one year?? The pain does subside, but one year is not a long time to deal with the loss of a child.

I was still in denial and terrible pain at one year. Still wishing it was me instead of Brian - he was only 16 years old. How does a perfectly healthy 16 year old die? That question will never be answered for me.

Be kind to yourself

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[darlenestark]

Hello Everyone - I haven't posted for quite a while, but I've been here almost every day, sharing in the heartbreak with all of you...

It's been 36 weeks since my son Ali died. As I approach the 9 month mark, I find myself reflecting on the time Ali lived inside me, the time he's been gone, and the 9,695 days in between - how his joyful spirit and kind heart could always lift me up to a place of peace and strength. His spirit is my companion, always reminding me to be kind, to be understanding, to find joy in this life, to be a better person. And when the grief overtakes me, when the break in my heart opens up and allows the pain to pour out of me, I can see his beautiful smiling face, and I can't help but smile...

His baby girl River is 15 months old now. Her scars from the accident are barely noticeable, a faint reminder of the miracle that happened on that icy

road on that day her daddy saved her life. She is so much like him - those big beautiful eyes, that big smile, so full of joy...

On August 25, we all gathered in Munising and hiked 6.6 miles round trip to Chapel Rock, to remember and honor my remarkable son. It was a perfectly beautiful day at Pictured Rocks on Lake Superior, playing with River where the warm waters flowing from Chapel Falls meet Superior's cold waves. Chapel Rock has a large tree growing on top of it, nurtured only by one root that stretches across to the mainland cliff. Ali loved that place so much he wrote a song about it. His ashes are now spread among his loved ones and the places he loved. There is no gravesite in a cemetery, no headstone to mark his time on this earth. Chapel Rock is his marker - and I think maybe God made that magnificent monument just for Ali...

"Cling so tightly to your life, don't you ever let it go

It is yours to keep and hold so dear, you can overcome, you can persevere

Like the tree on Chapel Rock, just one root is all you need" --- Ali Stark

[tobyfreefoot]

dearest carol,

i am so comforted by your double signs. i'm hoping you felt your loved ones now healthy vibrate souls holding you up and and saying "we are here, we are here!

[briansdad]

I have a couple of things for my friends here. As some of you know Brian's angel date is looming. I told my wife that it feels like a wet blanket has been thrown on my back. The weight, no energy you all know the feeling. Anyway our bedroom TV has been going on by itself at all hours and my wife thinks it's Brian. Just last week I said to him " Hey B it's been a while since the TV has gone on could you turn it on a couple of times just to say HI "

Well last weekend it went on 4 times while we were trying to sleep. I guess he heard me.

Also here is a link to a special lady. I didn't know her but I work with her husband. She really did make lemonade out of the lemons she was given.

http://www.kmov.com/...-169648846.html

Take care my friends,

Greg

[daveydow1]

Amy----Good to see your post. I'm sure you'll have a nice visit with Katie when she comes home

from college.

Cassidysmom------I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Cassidy. This is a good site where

you can always come and read/post....anytime...day or night. Everyone here understands.

Darlene----- The hike to such a beautiful place in nature was a lovely way to honor

your son. Sending thoughts & prayers.

Not much to say today......one of those days.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[517958]

Carol, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I haven't read any posts in a while so I'm sorry I missed being able to offer my condolences last week. I am thinking of you and praying for you.

[ericasmom]

Greg, love that Brian listened and gave you the evidence of his presence. I love that He made himself known loving you and probably laughing and grinning when you woke.

I also wept at the video of the amazing woman whose life is testament to her soul.

I have been crazy busy this week so very little posting time, just making contact.

Darlene, I agree, that walk around the rock in honor of your Boy...he must be smiling a beautiful smile.

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

Aren't our children amazing?

Darlene,

I love, love, love Ali's words!

"Cling so tightly to your life, don't you ever let it go

It is yours to keep and hold so dear, you can overcome, you can persevere

Like the tree on Chapel Rock, just one root is all you need" --- Ali Stark

[Mistie Thomson]

Hello Everyone,

I lost my son 2 yrs ago next month from a drug overdose. It was 3 days after his 27th birthday. He lived with me 1 wk out of the month when he would come home after working 3 weeks straight on a tug boat in New York. I knew when he came home that last time something just wasn't right. Isn't it funny how a parent can pick right up on the signs. Jason had been struggling with drug addiction for several years but had been sober for almost 2 years. I came home from work and found him dead on his bedroom floor. That's the day that a large portion of me died as well. He was a big guy, 6'2 & 225lbs but still my baby. I have a wonderful 32 year old daughter, a loving boyfriend, family and friends but nothing compairs to the bond that he and I had. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that he was close to the Lord and no longer has that monkey on his back.

I've searched for a grief support group online for along time now and feel like I've finally found one where people are very supportive and it's really ok to spill your guts when you're having those rough days. I've read several of your post snd honestly feel confortable here. Hopefully I'll be of some help for you all as well.

Hope that everyone is having a nice day out there!!

Mistie

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I want to make lemonade out of life's lemons, (thanks for that post, Greg), I pray for strength to do that everyday.

I am so sorry for the new folks on this forum, that you have found it necessary to be here, but hope that those that share will help you along this road of grief. My heart to all of you!

Here are a few pics of Jared and his sister, Jasmine with past puppies...

[cas1984]

This is Lisa Kaye at age 4 mo.

It makes my heart melt! again look at this precious girl what did she do we know so many ppl say God has a plan or you are here to do a job even if the job is a lesson to someone to appreciate life more why does a innocent angel have to be the bate. This is what I desperately need help with! Im deeply truly sry in my heart for ur loss. My throat is dry w a lump & my heart dropped. Im so sry & tho Im hurting so deeply for words for my son Cassidy age 27 I have alwayz felt the need and passion to help others and all of us here in bi know I can help you just never been able to help myself. Other ppls lives happiness alwayz came before mine and sometimes only bcus Cas is gone do I regret puttn all my what I believed were true friends first so regret dropping what I was doing to be there for a friend. I worked from age 16 to 19 w mentally handicapped & developmentally challenged & loved it but again puttn so many hrs in volunteering in a group home for one yr at actually 15 yrs old and in a institution later to be hired for the state in a group home environment wheelchair bond ng tubes etc to hirer functioning point being always puttn their needs tons of over time above being w my family. I felt Im needed! Alwayz had to be needed but my beliefs are messed up again as when I was 9 looking for my faith like John Smith (Mormon) Im rambling Im so sry u have to be in a room like this u and I as well as alot of us ever thought we cud be in a room like this but it appears to be... if we gotta be in a grief room this seems to be really caring understanding w no drama. Adorable little £isa gone too soon

[tobyfreefoot]

dear mistie,

so sorry for the loss of your precious son. i have 4 children, my oldest, forest died in a car wreck a year ago july 3rd. i had a special bond with him as you had with jason. i hope we can give you some support and compassion on this long journey we are on and you can share your strength and hope with us also. when you feel like telling us more about your son please come back. i have found this site to be very comforting and helpful in many ways. i am sorry we are here but i feel these people understand and are my friends like no one else. may they offer you the same

[cas1984]

Hello Everyone,

I lost my son 2 yrs ago next month from a drug overdose. It was 3 days after his 27th birthday. He lived with me 1 wk out of the month when he would come home after working 3 weeks straight on a tug boat in New York. I knew when he came home that last time something just wasn't right. Isn't it funny how a parent can pick right up on the signs. Jason had been struggling with drug addiction for several years but had been sober for almost 2 years. I came home from work and found him dead on his bedroom floor. That's the day that a large portion of me died as well. He was a big guy, 6'2 & 225lbs but still my baby. I have a wonderful 32 year old daughter, a loving boyfriend, family and friends but nothing compairs to the bond that he and I had. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that he was close to the Lord and no longer has that monkey on his back.

I've searched for a grief support group online for along time now and feel like I've finally found one where people are very supportive and it's really ok to spill your guts when you're having those rough days. I've read several of your post snd honestly feel confortable here. Hopefully I'll be of some help for you all as well.

Hope that everyone is having a nice day out there!!

Mistie

Mistie it hurts, its devastating,no words make it better! How do we go on without our boyz. My son just turned 27 too. Why them? When does it get better? What is so great about drugz how did we miss the signs of any major depression? Why after all this time does it still feel like yesterday ? Each day is longer without a hug a kiss our bond seems to finally be broken. I feel all ur emotions and I wish so sincerely I cud bring our kids back give us a 2nd chance.Stop remembering Friday Jan 13 th like a video that plays everyday.. It seems like when I hear God has his reasons or a better plan then why give him to me in the first place. Hes our creator not destroyer. I really feel ur loss as my own & Im sry we are the chosen ones to " prove our strength sry for any typos no real punctuation, Im just blurting and the tears just wont stop yesterday was 8 months without hearing "£ove you Mama!" "You're my world!!" God a prayer is all we have to turn too. You me & all the Indigos have eachother! So not much of a picker upper when it all goes back to Cassidy! Our children didn't deserve to leave this world before us...Hang on plss ur not alone.

[daveydow1]

Mistie----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Jason. You have come to a good site

where everyone understands your sorrow. I've been here for 9 years...after losing my son

David in an accident caused by an impaired driver of a semi rig. David's car was crushed

in an override by the semi., and 29 other people were sent to the hospital after the horrific

wreck. He was MedEvac'd to the trauma center, but sadly, he died in

surgery within the hour. Tell us more about your dear son, when you are able.

Cassidysmom--- Thanks for your kind words about my baby Lisa K., who died at

the age of 6 mo. from accidental choking,... years ago. She would have been 1 yr. older

than David, if she had lived. We worried so much about Dave, and now he is gone too.

Your work with DD people as a volunteer tells how you have a good heart, and sympathy

for others. You must have been very close to your Jason. Please keep coming to BI

and read/post when you can. Just know that you are not alone, and that you are with us,

and we're all on this rough road together. Peace & prayers, friend.

Becky-----Oh....Thanks for posting the pics of your pet, Marissa, and her new little family.

They are so cute. Also, of Breeze and JD. You can see how much JD loved his dog.

So good of you to be right there near the 'dog room' to help the mama with bringing

her new family into the world. I'm sure your presence was very reassuring to her. They

are all beautiful dogs.

Charsmom----Good to see sweet little Char's smile. Thoughts & prayers.

Dee----Today was warmer than first predicted......nearly 80.....quite balmy. Then, winds

kicked up in the late afternoon, and the temp dropped about 15 degrees and became rainy.

We fertilized the rhubarb patch. Still trying to get rid of the congestion & after affects

of the flu.....gosh, it sure hangs on awhile...too long. My daughter, Becky, rescued a

newborn kitten that was somehow in her backyard......eyes not even open yet. She's

been taking care of it. She said that there were people who moved out of a house

in the neighborhood, and left a bunch of cats behind. How awful.....to leave pets

behind to shift for themselves.....and with new little kitties. Someone called to report it,

and the woman did come back and get some of the cats, but left some, I guess. Crazy !!

Anyhow......Becky had to go buy kitten formula and bottle to feed the kitten. She's so

busy with college, two kids, etc., but is still doing her best to keep the little kitten alive.

Hope she succeeds. Do you have any remaining flowers in your backyard now? We

have loads of marigolds by the garden....planted from seeds. Some zinnias, and

cosmos too. The snake has pretty well taken care of the mole population under

the shed....for now.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

(this is a post that I had put on FB earlier today, but due to the personal nature, I edited it for FB but would like to post the original here) A very busy, long day, filled with saddening errands...each one seeming to separate me further from the life I shared with my sweetheart...remove his name from this, file this certificate for that, take him off the cell phone plan, change my Retired Military dependant's ID card...you are no longer married..."HE IS GONE" screaming at me from all corners, all day. Truly heartbreaking errands that nevertheless have to be done. (Thank God daughter Kim is still here and she blessedly held me up all day, along with strength from God.) Came home finally, wasn't in the house for 5 minutes when the doorbell rings...a huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers from a sweet friend and her family...sending love and caring all the way from Wyoming...thank you so much Susannah, Gary, Mariah, Jasmine and Jonathan...you couldn't have timed that any better! I love you guys!

There are many new people here, and I am so sorry that you have a reason to be here, but here is the place to be for comfort, understanding and sharing. We do support each other, offer love to one another and truly understand when those moments just blow us right back to square one, no matter how "far" we think we may have come.

Mistie: I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Jason. Drugs are so evil and hurt so many people. I am glad that you had a close relationship with your son to remember him by and those memories do keep us going, don't they... Your J is a very handsome youngman.

Becky: The pictures of your new "babies" are just wonderful! So sweet, along with all of the other pics you posted. Yes, you can surely see how much JD loved his dog!

Sherry: Such a sad story about the kittens (no, I can't understand how people can do that, either), and I do hope your daughter is able to take care of it, though it does sound as though she already has her hands full! It was warm here today, too, 82 all day until after dark. It is sad to see darkness coming so early now...I feel as though I stepped from spring, right over summer, into fall,having been in the hospital with Mike for two months. I wouldn't have had it any other way,though. I am so thankful that I washealthy enough to be able to be there with him all that time. I saw the picture of your precious Lisa thatyou had posted in an earlier post. It isso sad that you don't have more pics, but I so very glad that you have what youhave, as I am sure you are as well. Sucha sweet little bit.

Greg: Love, love, love themessing around Brian has been doing with the TV...thanks for sharing.

Dee: Yes, I imagine thatschool is really "buckling down" now, after those first days ofsettling in after the summer. How is your class this year? It is likely too soon to tell, but sometimes someone will stand out early...hopefully it will be for the good! :-) My allergies are acting up, also. I truly got my medication schedule jumbled up while at the hospital with Mike, and must get back on a regular schedule. My insurance company switched my Nasonex to a different spray and the new one smells like freesia...seems rather contradictory, but so far it seems to beworking. And I do love the smell offreesia! I will try to watch for Eri'sfriend...how sweet!

Angela and Gretchen: Thank you both so much for your good thoughts. It has been a very raw couple of weeks, and I don't imagine things will heal over any time soon, but the comfort and sweetness offered by others hasbeen a true blessing, making it just a little bit easier to breathe. Being with someone, looking at them prettynearly every day for over 48 years truly makes you feel empty when you look beside you and they are gone. I sit in his chair now, because I can't stand to look across the room and see the chair he was always in, now empty. I draw on our memories but, as we all know, in the beginning, those can bring more pain than joy, but we also know that eventually they provide us with strength.

Amy: thank you for your comments about my FB picture. Yes, I do love that picture...the beginning of a wonderful life with my soul mate. I am glad that Katie is coming home this weekend. Perhaps it will help dispel some of the sadness endured by you last weekend. Have a good time together!

Darlene : I love the hike for your Ali...such a beautiful way to remember him. I am glad that River is showing no ill effects from the tragedy she was part of. I am sure the love that surrounds her has a lot to do with that.

Trudi: Yes, the pics were totally awesome...such a huge production for so many little ones! Little "Miss Letter S" seems to be right in her element! Thank you for sharing such sweetness.

Colleen: Yes, I agree...one year is certainly not enough time for the pain to subside in the loss of a precious child. You have come a long way, and I know that Brian is very proud of you.

Betsy: I too loved what you said about watching the young man on the bike and thinking of Rich. I love the photos you've been posting, and I do hope you are enjoying your new surroundings. Certainly better than being "called to duty" and being shown no appreciation for what you do from the kindness of your heart. You do seem to be taking advantage of your new-found freedom in a good way. How close is your brother in distance?

Bonnie: Seeing that sunshine-scrubbed smile again...a heart - lifter! So very sorry about your friend Randy who was lost in the 9/11tragedy...so many lost so much!

Rhonda: thank you for your kind words, as well. I am glad that you were able to read about the service. We wanted it to be beautiful and honor our Mike, and I think it did. The military honor guard was so very impressive and distinguished. I can still hear the bugler blowing Taps...

Kate: How are you doing? I haven't seen many posts lately...everything okay? I imagine it must be getting much cooler up there, especially after the sun goes down. Do you do much walking about when it is cooler?

I am posting a picture of Susannah's flowers (above, hopefully, if my adding in works correctly), as well as a picture I came across in my camera last night when I was downloading an SD card...I took this of Mike one day last spring, on an "early warm spring day"when he had gotten out to go into the post office. I remember drawing in my breath when I saw it on the camera after I took it but had forgotten about it since until last night.

To any I've not mentioned...you are all in my heart and my prayers, always. I've been away for a while, (though I've been reading) and I have missed you all so much. I don't want to spill over my sadness onto all of you, as you are already dealing with enough, but knowing how kind and loving you all are, I come here knowing that I will be not only heard, but actually listened to. Kim is still here with me, though I don't guess it will be for much longer. She does have her own family who need her and miss her, so I will have to let her go soon. She has been with me each time I've had to go out, and it makes the coming back home again a little easier. Walking into the house, feeling the change in the whole character of it, is a little intimidating to me right now. Davis is of course here (and he is doing so incredibly good, blessedly), but the glow of my heart light is dimmed some right now. It was so strong and such a huge part of my being, though, that I am sure it will strengthen again over time,and eventually shine stronger and brighter more and more into my days and nights.

[cemobley]

Hello, I'm new here. I'm grieving the loss of my first born daughter, Michele. She died in her sleep before dawn 9/11 at her home. I'm having a very difficult time. She was such a wonderful woman. She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes about 12 yrs ago. It was all too much for her body. Extreme insulin resistance, neuropathy, thyroid disease, weight gain, and undiagnosed heart disease. She suffered so much. So much pain. But she was more worried about everyone else. She could barely get out of bed, but she took in a homeless young man and treated him as she did her own two sons. She was blessed with a wonderful husband who worshiped her. He is devastated. The memorial service is tomorrow and I'm hoping I can maintain some composure. My daughter wanted her body donated to science. "If it helps just one person, it'll be worth it." I've had type 1 for around 30 yrs. Yes I have heart disease, triple bypass, numerous stents, but it is controlled. Half of my daughters' heart was filled with plaque. We all urged her to see a cardiologist as she dealt with a rapid heart beat for a very long time. But she refused saying it would just be more bad news. I miss her so much and all I can do is cry. Am I doomed to this dispair forever? BTW 9/11 was my birthday. She turned 42 just 9 days prior. I know I am rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Cindy

[jennifersmom]

Today is 6 months since I lost my beautiful precious baby girl Jennifer. I say baby, she was 33 but, she was my baby and always will be. As mothers know, it doesn't matter how old our children are, they are always our babies. Life is so, so hard. She was my only child, she was my daughter, my world, my everything and my best friend. I think about her every second of everyday. I had doctors appts today and then needed to pick up a baby's gift for a niece. I was fine while I was in the store picking it out, came home and broke down. I read somewhere it isn't just our children we miss but everything that would have been, how true. Jennifer adored children and they adored her. She nannied for several years and was so good at it. She truly had a gift. I remember at one point she was watdhing 5 children all under the age of 5 and it was no big deal to her. Never lost her cool, nothing. And her plan was to have at least 3. She wanted to finish her degree, work in a hospital, marry a doctor and have children and be a stay at home mom until they went to school. She always had a plan and whatever she wanted, she got. I get so upset at times knowing I will never be a grandma or help plan her wedding. We use to talk about it so often and I always told her I get my grand babies every other weekend. She would say but what if I have 5 and I would tell her I don't care if you have 10, I want them every other weekend. She did become pregnant a couple years ago but, had a miscarriage. That depressed her so bad for quite some time. I just like to believe (it may sound really weird) that she is in heaven not only taking care of children but, is also with her unborn children. I break down sometimes so bad I just don't know how I can go on anymore without her. If it weren't for our belief system and my husband. When Jennifer passed such a huge part of me died. My husband said we have this big whole in our heart thant can never be filled, he is so right. There were so many things we were going to do yet, I'm so lost without her, every fiber in my body just aches for her.

thanks for listening

[ericasmom]

Sherry, please take good care of you, the residuals of the virus can go into secondary infections: sinus, ear...We do still have blooming flowers Sherry, one of our Sunflowers has been producing blooms for 6 or more weeks, pretty amazing. Our rose of sharon is also still producing blooms. The mums are coming into color and so we will have those to look forward to, but we still have black and blue salvia, marigolds, cosmos too but gets eaten right away, huge dahlias, and the cardinal flower and a lovely pink obidience flower. The whites opened earlier in the summer but now this pink. The garden however is looking worn out, it is saying, " I am just about done for the year."

Cassidy's Mom, it just is really so hard to try to understand why they went first. It makes no sense to us.

Misti, It is sad to know that you have had to find a place in which to grieve, but you have found a good place. We are here and we will listen and hold you as we have also been held. Tell us more as you go along.

Robins, your Girl must be smiling on you now as you find ways to deal with the hole that has been left you. I am sorry, there are no words that will assist only the knowledge that others here get what it is that keeps you awake or drives you back under the covers. We get what it is to feel that the whole of the world is spinning a different way or in a different speed, that nothing really makes sense as it once did.

Cindy, to you too, so sorry to welcome you here at this most sad time in your life. Your Girl is rooting for you to know that she is near, watching over you and loving you always.

Carol, even in all you are dealing, you write to everyone with detail and care. You are 'something'.

Peace All

[tobyfreefoot]

cindy,

what a sad day memorialized for you in so many ways. these first weeks are awful. you found this site much earlier than most. we will be here for you as you go through the absolute worst and we will be here to help you deal with passing of time and dealing with adjusting to your new life. please come share when you can about your loving daughter. it will get easier but it takes a long time with 2 steps forward 1 or sometimes 2 steps back but it will get more bearable. i am so sorry and we do know what you are going through. my heart goes out to you.

[daveydow1]

Robins------The 6 month mark is a particularly painful point after the

loss of your dear child. It seems that it's when the stark reality of

your loss really sets in, and some of the protective shock wears off.

I hope that you can continue to come here to BI, because we all

understand your sorrow, and are here for you. Peace & prayers.

Cindy------I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear sweet daughter,

Michelle. Being so very new to this rough road, I know that everthing

can be so sad and confusing as you try to think straight. This site

can be a lifeline when you want to just talk and have people, who

genuinely understand, listen. BI is always 'open'. Please come

back and be part of the BI family. And now.....my heart goes out to you

in this time of your great sorrow. Peace & comfort.

Carol------Thank you for your kind words about Lisa. Yep---we hang

onto what few pics of Lisa that we have. I've taken some of them

to a photo shop to have them re-do the pics and enhance them

and 'fix' them so that the quality is better.....thanks to the new

Photoshop software etc.Also, thanks for

that lovely pic of Ralph. How dear and precious that pic is to you.

I know what you mean about how it is when someone in the family

passes, and how all the required legal and official stuff can seem like

our loved one is being pushed away.......almost like they're saying...

"he's/she's no longer here....not relavent anymore". Just another

thing to twist the knife a little more, so to speak. I'm glad that Kim

is still there with you, although it is understandable that she will

need to get back to her family in due time. And for you......missing

your sweetheart, Ralph, will no doubt be your daily companion,

as it is with your missing your dear son, Mike. The two of them must

be looking down on you with love, and to give you signs that will

ease your way a little bit each day. Peace & love, ....my friend.

Dee-----Wow. ....You do have a lot of flowers in your yard. We had some

of the lower-type sunflowers that came up......(we had given up on them

after the drought, and no sprouts after planting).....but with some nice

rain, they came up in a little row. They are about done now, and birds

have been helping themselves to the seeds....which is why we plant them...

for the birds. As you say.....the gardens in the upper zones are saying

goodbye to summer by this time. Leaves are turning here now, which we

sort of expected after having the drought in June, which stressed the

trees. The 94-yr old lady who lives alone in the nicely converted schoolhouse

down the road seems to do very well. She has grandsons who come and

take care of the mowing and yardwork (she has about 1 acre). They do a

wonderful job, as her place always looks so nice. She is active, and I

see her lots of times, out in her yard doing little jobs. I stop and talk to

her now & then. I will ask her if there's anything I can do for her, and

she usually says..."no, honey,......my grandsons and their wives take

good care of me,....but bless you for asking". She's such a nice lady.

One would never guess she's 94.

WISHING EVERYONE A PEACEFUL DAY,....AND GOOD NIGHT'S REST.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I agree, that photo of Mike was a delight to see and a gift for Carol. Flower wise, I forgot to add the honeysuckle vines are in bloom and are so aromatic and the autumn clematis as well as the autumn asters.

We are going to a wedding today, the Daughter of a teacher I work with adn the Son of my chiropractor. Fun and then tonight...Cecily on Saturday Night Live. I am so excited to see her on TV. I know that I will cry seeing a Child who I have known since she was 5 entering this next step in her life, a little girl who was a regular in and out of our home with Erica as Eri was at her home. I do think Erz will be sitting on the rafters watching and laughing as her friend takes her first steps into LIVE TV.

This week was jam-packed with meetings and busy times. The days are very busy, the schedule is such that there is little time for anything but teaching and preparations which is fine, I am enjoying the class. They have some challenges of course but we are learning, getting a lot done and having good conversations as we go along. On Thursday I took two former students on the train downtown after school to go to the Art Institute and out to dinner. They are fourth graders now. The child won the trip at the carnival last February, and invited a friend who also happens to have been in my class and could not find a day during the summer break to take our trip so we went after school on Thursday. It was great because of many things but one was that right when we got there, the sound was huge: drummers, horns and the voices of solidarity as thousands of teachers marched down Michigan Ave in a sea of red t-shirts and picket signs. The strike was in the 4th day. I am very proud of the teachers to stand up for what is right, the unions in this nation are getting kicked in the butt and at risk here are the lives of so many students and teachers. I do think that the strike may be over but the final vote is on Sunday night. But wow, it was powerful for the girls to see this show of solidarity and history in the making. We watched for a good 30 minutes and then went in the museum and strolled around for about an hour and then went to dinner. I got them home by 8:00. I was pretty tired by then. But it was a great day.

[cas1984]

His name is Cassidy not Jason I can only assume u were talking to me since u mentioned working w dd clients but I understand Ive read alot and names can get confusing Thanks for ur kind words.. Im so damn sry for ur two losses. My God why why somebody tell me how one isnt plenty enuf for us to be on this place called earth in hell. Im deeply crushed for ur Lisa and David. Pls believe me Im here Im a good person. when I lost my ability to stand and walk & have lots of money do favors for many Cas and my job I lost my so called friends. I alwayz say its so hard to find a true honest good reliable friend so when u do hand on its quality not quanity! Ill be here for u for as long as I can take being without Cassidy.Wish I knew u sooner cus believe me I wudnt turn my back on a friend just bcus I have no words bcus Id find words and if not words then I can just listen let u yell cry just talk about ur kids. 2 babies ur stronger than me God bless u Im sick!!! @Cassidys Mama@

Cassidysmom--- Thanks for your kind words about my baby Lisa K., who died at

the age of 6 mo. from accidental choking,... years ago. She would have been 1 yr. older

than David, if she had lived. We worried so much about Dave, and now he is gone too.

Your work with DD people as a

[cas1984]

how do i post pic on my profile? I cant find any instructions directions help plz

[cas1984]

how do i post pic on my profile? I cant find any instructions directions help plz

[mysonrich]

Cassidy's mom,

go up the blue area on the upper right hand corner of this page.

there is a down arrow to the right of your name. click on it

.click on "my settings"

under "your options" click on "profile"

on "change photo" left side, 4th down, you will be able to upload photos. there are instructions on that page to ad avatar.

[ericasmom]

Hey All, the wedding was wonderful last evening and even though the band was phenomonal and I love to dance (though don't dance well) and even though the bride and groom were both going to be playing as they are both amazing musicians, I felt compelled to leave in time to be at my Son's home with his party to watch Cecily Strong make her debut on LIVE tv last night on SNL. It was a blast to see her, and I know Eri was laughing and loving her.

It is a gorgeous autumnal day, blue skies, birds sounding, crisp morning making way to a warmer afternoon. Love this time of year, all accept the shortening of days. My students log in the sunrise and sunset each school day of the week, we lost 8 minutes of sunlight last week. Hard to let the daylight go but it means our Dearheart Trudi has eight more minutes of sunlight where she is and for her, I am happy.

[rlolheiser]

Just wanted you all to know I am still around and think of you all often and carry you in my heart.

It seems with the start of school everybody is getting sick again. Including mom and she takes so much of my time. It gets harder, but I feel I still have to keep her. She is so bitter and so needy sometimes I find myself having thoughts of finding a place for her, but then I think how much more bitter she will be. I guess I can put up with it for now.

My husband has been doing more work around the house and I try to help him whenever I can. His blindness is catching up on him too.. he won't admit it but I think it is getting worse for him to see.

My little guy is now in the 3rd grade and I think he is in love with his teacher. He is always making her cards and attaching little gifts like erasers or extra rulers. I hope she appreciates him, I have known her since she had my oldest daughters children too, and I like her.

Sena has been having problems, she isn't catching on to her math, I have been trying to work with her but so often she hides her homework. I have been in to talk to the teacher already. I try to tell Sena she has to do the best she can do, it is her job. I haven't heard from her dad in some time, his brother tells me that he is back in the drug scene so I imagine it is just a matter of time before he gets busted. Sena's mom (my daughter) is still lost. It breaks my heart. She has been told that she isn't allowed to see her son until she goes to rehab, and I can't get a straight answer from her about it. I am waiting for news on a complaint that I filed with social services because the social worker won't return my calls, and I don't think she has handled the case right from start. I still want to take on my grandson, but it seems it will be a fight as they want to adopt him out.

JaBoa is still on both the children's mind. they talk of her often and ask questions about what she was like. they ask me what she would look like now, is she growing up in heaven or is she still just 10. Hard questions.. all I can say is I see her as the beautiful little girl she was, with the laughter of an angel long before she passed. I have figured out when the Halloween decorations come up, they talk even more about her, I guess it is something to be expected. I try to think happy thoughts and let them have their holiday, if it helps them get through life so be it.

We could sure used some rain around here, there is always a fire watch and burn ban going on. I used to burn my extra garbage, but lately it just isn't happening.

I am working on my frame of mind. I think about all the sadness in life, and try so hard to look on a brighter side. when I get a flat, I think of how lucky I was mom wasn't with me.. when I hurt a muscle.. I am lucky that I can still walk.. when I decide I need to cry.. I think about all I have that makes me happy.. but no matter what the loss of JaBoa .. I just haven't found a happy side

All in all I can't complain, I have a good life, and I am thankful for it. I am thankful for this site and all the people here. I am so sorry to see all the new people here everyday.. how I wish it wasn't so.

Not sure when I will post again, sadly I feel that I don't have a lot to offer, but the wisdom of the members here does so much for the heart... I thank you all

Carol, I have followed you on the carepages and you are so awesome. I hope and pray that you take care of yourself I know you will), so glad that your family is there with you as you walk through this sadness.

Thinking of you all, Dee, sherry, Kate, Coleen, Trudi, Bonnie, Betty, Greg, Rhonda. Kathy, Lori, ... and of course the new people here and all the names that escape this so forgetful brain right now. Never be afraid to say what is on your mind, never fear that you have rambled.. always remember this site is yours and there is always somebody who cares what you are going through

[ericasmom]

Leah, I am so glad to know that you are out there and making do. I know that autumn marks a hard time in your lives, but it sounds as though you are working through the tangles that occur. I wish your Daughter could figure things out but nobody can make that happen but her. Thankfully, you have the kids. Peace and blessings to you my old Friend.

[mikesmum]

From friends on FB who know....

[shorty16]

Trudi

I love that saying - It is so true.

I am thinking about you often.

In my mind, we are riding down a wisconsin road in THE BEAST and enjoying the beautiful weather and even better company.

Love you Trudi

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

All my new friends,

The change in seasons used to be so depessing for me - and I never knew why until someone on here told me why.

The change in seasons represents the world going forward without our son's or daughters.

Their world did not stop like ours did. Other people are still moving forward in their regular lives and we would give anything to go back to that regular life.

I still do get a bit depressed, but now that I know why, I try to find the beauty in this season. I try to find happiness, because happiness does not come running down the stairs to us anymore.

Please try to find happiness today - in the littlest of things.

We walk this path before you to try to show the way.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[BrendaDup59]

Hi everyone , well I finally got to see my grand children (Brett's) my daughter in law Traci (Brian's) wife tried to call him, but he did not answer so she sent him a blasting text she said she was tired of seeing him hurt me and I cant tell you all she said.. , he did then send me a text saying even though we are not talking yet he did love me and we would talk soon. I texted him back and told him I loved him and maybe he could come over one day so we could talk . but his wife did bring my grand kids over and I got to enjoy them first time I have seen them in 6 months . they have all grown so much . they all grabbed and hugged me all but Kaitlin the youngest she is a twin to Dylan , I was disappointed Brett did not come but not surprised .. I will always love him and I will bite the bullet for the hundredth time with my DL , I will do what I have too to see my grand children. I thought I would post a few pics of them . going to try and keep busy tomorrow it is my 6 month mark . I hope everyone has a good week. Love Brenda

the first picture is Kala, (in purple ) we have a special bond ,then the twins they are 2 Dylan and Caitlin , Then Bradley ( my sons stepson) he is 12 , then my oldest GD Kirsten with the twins , and Kala with the twins.

[ericasmom]

Brenda, I am glad that the women in your family rose to the occasion. How hard on them and on you to not be in contact. I am sorry that your Son was not able to face you and the issues tha thave kept you apart, but it seems that you are moving forward in small steps. You can't rush this, though it must be very frustrating.

Peace to you and those lovely Grandkids, they are all very cute.

[ericasmom]

Col, good to see you today...hope that the seasonal change does not throw you too hard. It is the missing sunlight that gets to me. The shortening of days.

Have you been birding lately?

Trud, how true those words...miss you.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Dee: You always seem to have the right words! I hope your school year is going well. I think of you being there often, as my husband, Jerry is a school counselor in an elementary school, and he always has "stories" when he gets home. Bless his heart, he is still struggling with all the outside work, as I can't ride the mower for a YEAR after having this neck surgery. I am doing what I can to take care of the puppies, and that is a full time job right now!

Colleen:Good to see you here. I don't think I am depressed... not sure what I am, but still struggling with the realization that I will not see my son, at least not this side of heaven. I have prayed for a dream, but I don't seem to have one ever, but I do constantly talk to him as I am doing things around here, and there are moments that I feel he is seeing things through my eyes.... is that normal? It's like I feel his presense inside of me, that I am looking at things as he would, and I feel myself smiling as he would, just seeing what's in front of me as him. Have I gone over the deep end??

Brenda: Your grandkids are adorable!I I love the smile on the twin on the right, so sweet!!

Trudi: What a beautiful picture and poem. Thanks for sharing that! So true...

JaBoa's Grandmom: I was really glad to see your post. I have oftened wondered how you were doing. The last I remember, you had gone to court for custody of the one grandchild, and were thinking you would try to also get her brother. I know you have your hands full, and I pray for the best solution. My husband grew up in a home for boys in Philly, and I know from his stories, that it was really hard, as no family could take him, and he stayed there until he graduated high school, then got scholarshipped for college due to his ability to play sports. I pray that your grandson will end up in a better situation. My heart to you!

[ericasmom]

BECKY, I forgot to tell you how dear those pups and momma looked in your photos. And JD's dog, what a lot of love.You must be tired though, they take a lot of energy.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

50 weeks today, Jared. You are the sunlight breaking through the clouds ♥

[jennifersmom]

Walking this road without my baby girl Jennifer is not getting any easier, its getting harder if anything, Some days I wake up crying and can't stop. I cry so much that my eyes burn and the next day are so puffy and red, I'm just glad I don't have to be anywhere. I just miss her so, so much. This is the most horrible place to be. I just long to feel her and kiss her soft cheeks. She always had the softest cheeks, since she was born. And I get so pissed off and ask why? Why couldn't she get over the pneumonia? Why couldn't she get better? There were still so many things we wanted to do, still so many things she wanted to do. I just long to feel her prescense. So many people say they have signs and I know I have had a couple. I know I have probably even had some dreams cuz I have woken up a few times and know she has been in my dreams but I can't remember them. I just want to know she is OK, she is happy, no longer is sick and with our loved ones. That she is taking care of children which she had such a gift of taking care of children. She wanted children so bad, maybe she is even taking care of her unborn children now. I told my husband not long ago, now I won't even get to help her plan her wedding, he said to me ues you will, in heaven, how sweet. I don't know what I would do without my husband, he is so good to me, so understanding and so patient that I am grieving so hard for her. I am just so broken without her, I feel so dead inside. Some days I just feel like I can't go on but, I won't do anything stupid, I won't cheat death cuz even though the pain is so unbearable I won't take that chance that I won't one day be with her again forever. My whole body just aches though, I have never been so depressed in my entire life. I know I am just babbling but, I have heard it many times on this site it is OK to do that and to say what I am feeling. I know there are many mothers out there who understand this devestation of losing their child, their best friend, their world. I just wish I could have my baby back.

Thanks for listening,

robins (jennifers proud mama)

[Sholl1955]

Robin, Your daughter and mine died on the same day. Yes I feel and understand the same pain you are dealing with. Sarah too was my best friend. I miss her more everyday and the 6 month mark is hard. Actuallly every day is hard. We have to go on one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. It is hard to truly believe it will ever get better, but i cling to the wisdom on this site that it will. Right now it is just getting through each day. You will be in my prayers.

Sandy

[Sholl1955]

Robin, Your daughter and mine died on the same day. Yes I feel and understand the same pain you are dealing with. Sarah too was my best friend. I miss her more everyday and the 6 month mark is hard. Actuallly every day is hard. We have to go on one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. It is hard to truly believe it will ever get better, but i cling to the wisdom on this site that it will. Right now it is just getting through each day. You will be in my prayers.

Sandy

[Angel'sSon]

Robins, It's been a month and 2days since my 30 yr. old son passed away. It was so sudden. I'm still in shock and I want him back. My son, Dustin and your daughter Jennifer are watching over us. You have all the emotions that I have with losing my best friend, my son. Right now, at this moment I feel nothing, nothing at all. Then it will hit me later and I might be angry, saying God why my son!!! We are all together here on what we feel. I wanted to be with my son so bad, that I was taken to the hospital and I was almost with him. I hurt my family and friends during this process. I started drinking and couldn't stop for days. It wasn't my time to go. So, now I have scars on the inside and outside too!! Sounds like you have a wonderful husband!! Thanks for posting. It helps me!!!!

[Sholl1955]

Robin, Your daughter and mine died on the same day. Yes I feel and understand the same pain you are dealing with. Sarah too was my best friend. I miss her more everyday and the 6 month mark is hard. Actuallly every day is hard. We have to go on one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. It is hard to truly believe it will ever get better, but i cling to the wisdom on this site that it will. Right now it is just getting through each day. You will be in my prayers.

Sandy

[daveydow1]

Dee-----The trip with your two former students, to downtown Chicago sounds like

a very nice outing, and I bet they enjoyed the outing and the Art Museum. Also, getting to see the

teachers strike protest firsthand, was a good learning experience . Glad that you had

a nice time at the wedding, then followed up by seeing SNL and dear Cicely. Yep.....

the fragrance of honeysuckle is divine.

Cassidysmom-----thanks for your kind words. Sorry I made a mistake on your son's

name. I was trying to address too many posts and newbies, I guess.

Leah-----Good to see your post. Sorry that your mom is not doing well. Also, sorry that

your daughter has not found her way yet. You have a heavy load, but you seem to be

carrying it ok.......but I know that it can't be easy. Please take care of yourself. Thoughts & prayers.

Trudi-----Thanks for the lovely scene with saying. So very true.

Colleen-----I so know what you mean about getting the 'blahs' (depression) at the change of

seasons. I have had this same melancholy for a lot of years.....since Lisa died in November.

Something about the end of summer....end of flower gardens, for the most part,.....and the

change of weather to cooler days and nights. Put all that on top of missing our dear children,

and it is a recipe for blue times, for sure. May some sweet memories of your dear Brian bring

some smiles and comfort.

Brenda------Thanks for the pics of your grandies. They are all beautiful children. I'm glad

that you had a nice visit with them.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[BrendaDup59]

Hi

well today is the 6 month mark for me, and I woke up with a bad headache and in the bathroom all day , so I have not done anything but lay in bed and do puzzles ... but all through the day I kept smelling the cigarette smell .. my Brian was a smoker and when he would come over I would comment sometimes about it being so strong that is all I could smell .. I have a very sensitive sense of smell, he would always use my planter in front of my door to put his butts .. it never really bothered me .. but it is so funny to think that would be how he would let me know he was around,all of my windows are closed and nobody smokes in my house yet I can smell it so strong ... I am still seeing ORANGE every where but not as much as that week that I ask him to show me the orange vehicle .. then the color orange was every where. .. I miss him so much it hurts .

Thank you Becky for your compliments on my grand kids ,I think they are so cute but I am grandma. and I love the pictures of your Boxer ..I have 2 myself. and our older one is my 10 year old Kaleb's best friend. we got the white one who everybody thinks is a pit because she has a tail and her ears were never cropped, I got her from a Boxer rescue last December well she is a digger, chewer,a barker but we love her.

Robin I know how you feel ,Brian was my oldest and I feel like a part of me has died too, I will never get use to him being gone and I miss his calls so much , I went to see my grand children on Saturday and took a box that Brian had here at my house he had stored somethings here from when he and Traci had separated for a short time , he had an apartment and I found a toaster oven he had and few other things I thought Traci might like well in the box was a set of hunting cloths he had I thought my oldest grand son would like to have them well Traci sent me a picture of the cat Brian loved curled up in the box on the clothes it brought tears to my eyes his cat I think misses him about as much as we do ,when I put the box down Angel the cat ( they thought he was a she when they got him and the name just stuck and really fits him I love that cat) anyway he just kept smelling the box and rubbing up against it . I will post some pictures of him . just know you can message me any time your not alone here.

Carol, just wanting you to know your always in my thoughts .

Sherry , how is the kitten doing? hope you are doing good.

Kate I hope you are doing better , thinking about you .

Dee , Thank you for always being there and your comforting words. as for my DL Traci is just wonderful , and I am so lucky to have her . as for Brett's wife Sarah , I just do not know what to say .. I am just thankful she is willing to bring my grand kids over for me to see, as for Brett I hope someday he comes around .. just so hurtful to go through this without his support but I think he has his own things to work out I know how he treated his his brother and it was not very nice a lot of the time and Brian would do any thing for him , once Brian drove an hour and 45 minutes to sit in the school parking lot to watch Brett get on the bus because someone had threatened his little brother , Brian drove to GA to see Brett graduate from Basic , when there own father would not do it.. I could go on ,I do not know why Brett felt the way he did. Brian loved him so much . all I can do is just pray about it.

David ..How are you doing ?

and to everyone I missed you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Love Brenda

[ericasmom]

Becky I love the bear. On my computer at school some of the photos don't come up with the message but once at home, I get to see it all. I know that you are very close to that one year mark and want you to know that we are holding you in a circle of support as you travel this piece.

Brenda, the kids are adorable, so sweet, the twins are very different from one another. I love the story about the cat in the box of Brian/'s things. Eri's cat, Stormy went nuts when we brought home so much of what belonged to Erica from her apartment in Kalamazoo. I piled the boxes and stacks on the dining room floor one day, unable to even think about going through it at that time. Next thing I knew, Stormy was meowing and purring and rubbing against the clothing that belonged to Erz. I think she was there petting him, and then he too fell asleep in a nest of her things.

Robins, Sandy, and Angel's Son, you are all making your way along this steep and winding mountain of pain. One day you will find more even footing, but now it is just plain hard and extremely painful. We get it, we are surrounding you as you go and we support you as you make steps forward. Hang on as the road pitches and sways, but we found ways to get to the next bend and so will you. You are not babbling, you are grieving.

Sherry, rain here now and dropping temps which I find a relief as it means brisk temperatures in the mornings. I like that for my walks but boy, do I get it as far as lack of sunlight. It is difficult. Are you painting or doing any needlework?

[hessley0503]

Hello All,

Hate to say it but welcome to all the newbies! I know you are feeling lost and not sure where you are at in life, but know you are in a great and welcoming place here where you can get some amazing advice and guidance!!! This is an individual journey that unfortunately only you can walk. However, there are way too many of us on here that get it and can be here to lend you some advice or even just an ear or shoulder when you need it. So sit back and make yourself comfy and welcome to the "club" that none of us ever wanted to join.

To everyone else....sorry it has been a while since I was here. I have been swamped with college!!! I don't know what on earth I was thinking when I signed up for 5 classes this semester!!! WOW!! I know it will be worth it when I am done but holy cow! Whew! I will definitely be in the swing of things when I am done with this semester I will be a pro student again! It's all good though I actually love school just forgot how much was involved with it. Life has been going ok. Can't believe this week brings us to our 5 month mark. You all were right...pushing that 6 month mark does get a little harder. But I will push through and look for those little signs from little miss Rai. Speaking of today the hubby and I were out on the motorcycle and I looked up and perfectly in the sky was written out I <3 U!! I can't begin to tell you how big my smile was. She doesn't seem to like to come to me in my dreams so I will take that as something better than a dream because she wrote it in the sky for me! I love that even more. We have also started working on getting things in order to start a memorial scholarship fund in her name here so on top of staying busy with school and trying to raise organ donation awareness in our area I am working on that project as well. Oh and I am started working with the victims advocacy to help with other mom's that have lost their children lately too. I find strength in giving back to others. I used to wonder where Rai and our other girls got it from and here lately I am starting to see it. When I get busy doing things that I do I see they were actually learning from Momma and I just didn't want to see I was actually leading them by example and never wanted to admit it. Go figure I guess we do still learn things about ourselves sometimes.

Hope this finds everyone doing well. I have been trying to keep up with everyone and know that you are all in my prayers. There is no way that I can respond to each of you individually because I can't even keep my own thoughts straight half the time so please forgive me. However, I do pray for you all my friends I promise!!

Much love,

Tracie

Missing my "Rai" of sunshine