Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sandy, I have a few friends like that, that haven't lost a child or sudden loss of someone close, but that keep in touch and offer their friendship. I let them call me, kinda selfish, but I feel like if they make contact then they are up for conversation with me, which will always include my beautiful son, Jared. I can't help but talk about him. Sometimes it does make me feel better, and other times, I am completely exhausted having put on my game face for that length of time.

Brenda, Your pictures are stunning! That's a great hobby you have! I have a hard time pulling myself away from my computer, as I do a couple of websites, and this list and facebook, and working on my campaign for the changes in laws and speed limits,but I have started cooking meals again... well ok, in the crock pot, but I still am experimenting with different spices and combinations of veggies, etc., to use.. Does that count as cooking?? Nobody seems to be complaining. Now if I could only convince myself to do a fall cleaning....

David, so glad you are moving ahead. I know it's so hard to do, but I think you are right in saying our kids would want us to be happy and productive again. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Keep telling us about Josh, he sounds like he was quite a character! Love it!

Colleen, I am so glad to see you on here posting more regularly. I love hearing from you! What you described about hearing Brian in your head, I have experienced that too, and I think I told it before, but there are times when I feel like I am looking at things literally through his eyes, like he has become a part of my physical being.

Susan, and also Cassidy's mom, hang on, We are here for you, and are sending good vibes and prayers your way.

Shawn's Mom, thank you so much for the song! It made me cry, but it was beautiful!

I am sure I have missed someone, but to all here, I wish peace for you and yours.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks everyone! I am just so thrilled tonight. It was an incredible moment. There were six witnesses. The waitress, my companion( an Anglican Minister's assistant) and the four women seated at the far table. One of the young women turned pale and looked frightened. I was just so pleased and relaxed, but still shaken. We will be reunited with our children again when the time is right. I had seen many signs, but this was a huge clunk over the head from my son from a stranger. Message received loud and clear, Jeff. Time to move on.

[Guest]

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[Angel'sSon]

I am glad you want to be here to tell Dustins story. Your family just wants you to get better because they care, they need you. Please take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Susan.

Lora

So far I'm still here and not in the hospital. My family worries about me especially when i start drinking. Which I have for the last couple of days. I'm not going to hide that fact. I'm doing the best that I can with losing Dustin. I posted pictures of him on my profile. My family does need me. I'm trying to take one day at a time and hope I can get thru this. I miss Dustin so much!!!!!!!

[Angel'sSon]

I can't stop thinking about my son, Dustin. God knows I loved him and he loved me. I wake up and go to sleep thinking about him. I just posted the last picture of him taken with his baby girl just right before he passed away. All I can say is I have to get thru this. I don't know how or when the thinking will let up. I love you and miss you so much my son!!!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

So far I'm still here and not in the hospital. My family worries about me especially when i start drinking. Which I have for the last couple of days. I'm not going to hide that fact. I'm doing the best that I can with losing Dustin. I posted pictures of him on my profile. My family does need me. I'm trying to take one day at a time and hope I can get thru this. I miss Dustin so much!!!!!!!

Susan...I know you can work your way through this. Honestly, you can. But you have to stop drinking. It only complicates the other issues. As we have all mentioned already...this grief process takes a long time to work through. We all miss our child so much! That will always remain. In time you will find that the sharp edges of your grief will begin to soften. Please go easy on yourself and try to get out of the house today and do something that will take your mind off of it for even just an hour. Stay strong and again....please quit the drinking.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate, of course I worked both jobs today and everyone is off of here and i am walking through the door at 10:30 pm, and I am reading your post and I am smiling. I am so happy for you. Jeff still is the loving caring young man, making sure you know he is okay and his mom is going to be okay.

Brenda, very nice pictures, I love the red bird pictures the best. You are talented.

Sandy, she is a true friend, even if she has not lost a child she is willing to listen to you and let you talk about Sarah. I am glad that today was a better day.

Thinking of everyone and goodnight,

Lora

Thanks Lora. I have to say that without a doubt both my husband and I had the best sleep of the last three years. We woke up feeling wonderful and completely refreshed. I know that there are many naysayers to the possibility of what happened to me yesterday. I simply do not care. I know what happened and so do the others sitting in the room yesterday afternoon. Yes, I've had several signs from him over these past few years. I already was certain that he was in a great place. Because he was such a wonderful and giving young man. If he didn't make it then God help us all! Still, the nagging little doubt that lingered from my upbringing as a Roman Catholic still lingered. Now I know for absolute certainity that he is just fine. This woman was a normal looking lady. No gimmicks. Nothing to set her apart from anyone else. Just a kindhearted younger woman that extended her gift to include me and walked over offering what she could. I am certainly not a Bible thumper...but I am most definitely a spiritual person and I am a true believer. I was not looking for this to happen. In fact, it was the furthest thing from my mind. It came to me. I know I am going to be fine now. What an amazing feeling this is.

[ericasmom]

Kate I love that the woman saw your JEFF! HOw lovely and I am thrilled that you slept deeply last eve. I would write more but the work computer is very odd today, very old and not able to do much I am not on much this week as it is conference week so I did 11 conferences yesterday after teaching all day, my body and mind were very tired. and 10 more today. 23 total. Today is a half day so that at least is good.I am presenting at a writing/reading conference on Saturday for teachers, so a bit heavy of a week.

lora, you are such a hard working woman. I don't know how you balance it all, but glad that you can.

Susan, drinking will make all things more complicated, it may feel tha tyou are numbingh the pain, but it really isn't. It makes your whole self even more depressed as your body needs good healthy actions to help your through this very horrible time. WE can not separate our body from our mind, they must work together so when one is kept down through illness or sadness, the other needs extra good actions to help so that you are not making yourself more prone to illness. Our immune systems get very depleted through grief and the last thing we need is to make ourselves sick. Getting outside for 10minutes for the vitamin d, walking to find some endorphins, eating some proetein a few times a day and drinking plenty of water as we dry ourselves out with tears. Alcohol will make all of this worse and sadly put you further from actually grieving. Only one way through it, and that is to face it each dayand learn what you can that is going to assist you rathert than make it workse.

I am praying susan that you can get some assistance with this so that you can live in dustin's light.

[Angel'sSon]

Kate and Dee, I've gotten myself in a mess with drinking. I've been up all night thinking about Dustin and listenin to music. I know drinking is not the answer but here i am. Drinking and staying up for days at a time just wanting Dustin back. My counselor and phychiatrist isn't helping me. When i come back home I just get to thinking all over again. i want the pain to end and at least take one step forward to my life. I'm angry with god for taking my son. If my daughter's radiation doesn't work for her breast cancer, I don't know if i can handle it. I feel so hurt, angry and saying god, why me. I know we are all in this world of losing a lost one and I so wish it weren't true. It's going to take awhile for me to understand the why's and how's of it all. I have to make it thru this. My family isn't happy that I'm drinking again. They are so afraid that I will do something stupid again and have to get stitches and end up in the mental part of the hospital. No, I have not thought about ending my life. I just think about wanting Dustin here. it's going to take a lot of time!!!!!

I put a picture on here of Dustins baby girl. I hope I did it right. maybe it will be in my gallary. I will have to check. goodnite friends and thank you for your help!!!!

[Guest]

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[tobyfreefoot]

KATE!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOO HAPPY FOR YOU! HOPE YOU DON"T MIND I SHARED YOUR STORY ON FACEBOOK HOPING TO GIVE FOREST"S FRIENDS SOME HOPE!

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen, I do hope that it gives encouragement to others when they read it.

[daveydow1]

Kate----I want to hurry up & post before something goes whacky

with my computer. Your story of the woman in the tea room, and

the message from your dear Jeff is just so inspiring. It must have

just warmed your heart in a big big way. So glad that happened

for you. Our darlings will always be with us, and very nearby to us.

They are just on the other side of the thin veil in that other realm,

and send their love in so many ways. I am a firm believer that they

can hear us when we talk to them also. So glad for this peaceful

and comforting message for you......from your dear son, Jeff.

Lora-----I agree......sometimes, councelors may not be able to reach

us......to help.....especially in very early days. My son died in 2003,

and I found this site, but didn't start posting for almost a year. I

would just pop in and read from time-to-time. I found that after awhile,

I was beginning to see some light for myself, but still didn't post.

Then starting to post, I found that the people on here, at the time,

were so very kind and helpful, and most of all......they could really

understand my floundering around in grief because they, too, were

in grief for the loss of their own children. It made a lot of difference

to have people who really understood the gripping sorrow and

bleakness of losing a child. I could tell by the words they used in

their posts. While I know that there are times when no words can

bring about comfort, this site has been a lifeline for myself, and so

many others who have come & gone, and who are still here. I'm glad

that you have found your way here after your dear Cara's death, and

hope you keep coming back. Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Susan-----Such a beautiful little baby girl. Thanks for posting the pic.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

See above video, the YouTube one works better!

[ModKonnie]

Becky,

What an awesome tribute. Your voice is beautiful, and your son is beautiful.

ModKonnie

[Angel'sSon]

Susan, I am going to echo what Kate and Dee are saying, alcohol is not the answer. I feel I am a very strong person, but in the beginning this put me in a place where I was not sure I would make it. The pain of this loss is so hard, especially when it finally hits you that they are not coming back, that this is real. I remember waking and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest, I can't even explain the pain that I felt because there is no word that can describe what I felt. The best I can come up with is my heart shattered into billions of pieces, I wanted to die. I still have no fear of dying, when it is my time. When I woke up the next day feeling the same pain, I started to think, why did he take her and not me? Because she loved everyone with her whole heart and forgave everyone? Then I started thinking if I let people in and start to love everyone with my whole heart, god would take me, too. I soon realized that I had a lot of work to do on that. I will do anything for anyone, I love my family with my whole heart but I am very guarded with my feelings to outsiders. I found this site because I did not want to share my feeling with a counselor, that is how guarded I am. I was always the “protector,” even when I was married; I was the one to keep everything together. But in the past couple of months on here, I am sharing things on here that I would never even think of sharing because I knew if I did not, I would not survive this. I share also, to let the parents just starting on this journey, that there is hope. As Dee is telling you, you need to take care of your physical self and it will get better, we all know that you can do this, but you have to take the first step and with each step it will become a little easier. We are your cheering section on here, we have all been there. You can do this. The picture you have of Dustin’s little girl is adorable, she is so cute. What is her name? Take care.

Dee, I have always worked that much, I think I always have to be doing something. But I do take care of myself. I can only imagine how tired you are, I know to sit through a staff meeting or all day conference for my full time job, I am mentally exhausted.

Kate, when I first read your post, I thought about a movie that my children and I had watched repeatedly because we loved it. I believe in all signs, the double rainbow at the beginning of Cara’s memorial soccer game, which was so bright, it was Cara, radiating the love she always did. If someone thinks I am crazy, so be it. I always liked this quote from the movie, Angels in the Outfield, (One of these boys is the child who can see angels. He could stand up right now and tell you what's going on and I'd know you'd just laugh at him. But, when a professional football player drops to one knee to thank God for making a touchdown, nobody laughs at that. Or when a pitcher crosses himself before going to the mound, no one laughs at that either. It's like you’re saying it's okay to believe in God, but it's not okay to believe in angels. Now, I thought that they were on the same team.) I believe!!!

Take care everyone,

Lora

I go to a counselor and I know she isn't helping me. When I get on here i feel like I have friends who are going thru the loss of a loved one!! I went to the gravesite and then to my sons, daughter in laws house. I thought I could handle it. I bought some beer and i've been drinking every since. As far as my drinking, It's just something that i tend to do when things are bad. I don't know when I will stop. My family is really concerned for me with the drinking. I just can't begin to stop right now. I usually get on here everynight and post and read what everyone else. That's what helps me. Thank you Lora and may we all get thru this one day at a time!!!!!!

[Angel'sSon]

Susan-----Such a beautiful little baby girl. Thanks for posting the pic.

Thanks for looking at the picture of Dustin's baby girl!!! She is a sweetheart and Mam-Maws pride and joy!!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

I go to a counselor and I know she isn't helping me. When I get on here i feel like I have friends who are going thru the loss of a loved one!! I went to the gravesite and then to my sons, daughter in laws house. I thought I could handle it. I bought some beer and i've been drinking every since. As far as my drinking, It's just something that i tend to do when things are bad. I don't know when I will stop. My family is really concerned for me with the drinking. I just can't begin to stop right now. I usually get on here everynight and post and read what everyone else. That's what helps me. Thank you Lora and may we all get thru this one day at a time!!!!!!

Susan. lovely pic of your precious grandaughter.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Becky,

What an awesome tribute. Your voice is beautiful, and your son is beautiful.

ModKonnie

Thanks so much! I put it on YouTube. I think the quality of picture is better here,

I didn't realize until I started trying to sing this song, just how tight my vocal chords are

from the surgery on my neck. I guess it will get easier with time.

[Angel'sSon]

Thanks so much! I put it on YouTube. I think the quality of picture is better here,

I didn't realize until I started trying to sing this song, just how tight my vocal chords are

from the surgery on my neck. I guess it will get easier with time.

A beautiful video!!!!!!

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Becky, what a lovely way to pay tribute to Jared. He knows all about your love as he lives in it each moment.

Lora, the week was long but I am happy to be rested today.

Susan, sometimes we are getting help from the counselors and we don't even know it, but sometimes we have to shop for the right counselor. That is hard when we are grieving. Again, I know that you know drinking won't help, I know it is what you do when you are at wit's end, but you know that it will only make things worse. There are choices, even in grief. No, we don't get to choose to not be in this situation, but we do daily make decisions as to how to find some tiny piece of help. Drinking can dissolve any good you do find. I am rooting for you and hoping that you can know that there is going to be better days one day way donw the line. It won't be for a while as it just can't be this early.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks so much! I put it on YouTube. I think the quality of picture is better here,

I didn't realize until I started trying to sing this song, just how tight my vocal chords are

from the surgery on my neck. I guess it will get easier with time.

Beautiful tribute to a beautiful young man! Thanks Becky!

[Jeff's Mom]

Good Morning everyone,

Well, it appears to be another gloomy day. We are finally getting that much needed rain which is terrific for the gardens before winter settles in. Becky, I loved your video to Jared. You really have a beautiful voice and filled with much love for your boy.

Lora...thanks for you kind response. Hope today is a good one for you.

Sherry...yes, it was and still is so comforting to finally know that my son is at peace and in a wonderful place. Encouragement to move forward with my life without carrying the concern I had. A heaven sent gift for which I am most thankful!

Susan...I hope that today is a better one for you. I agree with Dee that you many not quite be in a place to see that your counselor is actually helping at this point. Stay with it though. Determine yourself that you can show your family that you are going to be as strong as you can. You CAN give up the need to drink and find another healthy way to find support. Look after your personal health, get out of the house and do something for yourself that is healthy. Sounds as if your daughter could use your support right now. She needs you! Stay strong for her, Dustin and most impprtantly for yourself.

Brenda, sorry that the painting caused your back and neck to hurt. Your drawings are great! Keep posting them whenever you get a chance. They are so nice to see.

Trudi...thanks. Hope your day goes well.

Gretchen...thinking of you.

Wishing everyone a decent day. We are off to yet another small town to do some shopping and grab lunch. Take care everyone.

Love, Kate

Kate

[ericasmom]

Susan, when was your Daughter diagnosed with breast cancer? How hard it all must feel to have so much to worry about on top of dealing the with the death of Dustin and the wondering that surrounds his death. I don't mean to sound like a bully when I say there are choices, I know you don't feel that there are any choices, so forgive me, but I will take thetough role knowing what happens to folks when they do drugs or drink to get through grief. I have seen the loss of more than a few good women andmen to the bottle . It is not weak to grieve, it is not weak to cry and weep, it is what grief demands, and letting it out is the only viable way to go forth.

[tobyfreefoot]

becky,

i love the fact that eric comes and fills your house with those familiars sounds. that sound wonderful to me.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

becky,

i love the fact that eric comes and fills your house with those familiars sounds. that sound wonderful to me.

Eric is such a good kid. When he comes here, the first and last thing he does is to hug Jerry (hubby) and I, and tell us he loves us. He hasn't had the easiest life, living with a grandparent, due to inability of parents to take care of him. Jared seemed to gravitate to kids that fit that category, and those kids have all told me how much his friendship meant to them. Jared was popular, and a good looking kid, so he could have pretty much been friends with anyone he wanted to, but the fact that he always stood up for the underdog just shows me the heart that he had. Some of the posts that I read on Jared's FB page, were from kids that recalled times when he had stood up for them when they were being bullied.

I miss you so much, Jared...

[Sholl1955]

Hello Friends,

I just have a questions for those farther down this road. For those who have other children, Have you had problems with your relationship with them since their sibling died? Sarah and my youngest daughter Rachel were always very close and became even closer as Sarah fought breast cancer for 2 years. We have always been a close family. She began pulling away right away but now she wants nothing to do with me. She has resorted to Texts only and does not want to know what is going on here (and there are quite a few things going on at the same time. She appears very angry with me but I honestly don't know why. She does very good with my grandaughters and will be here for them anytime they want or need her. She and her husband and my grandaughter live about an hour and a half away. I am beginning to suspect that she cannot handle seeing me cry and grieve and percieved it as weakness on my part. I have always had to be strong while raising them due to my husbands disabilites and have always been there for both the girls. She has never seen me be weak and in pain , but I cannot control this nor am I good at covering my pain and loss up around her. It feels like I lost both of them on March 14th 2012. Oh my heart is breaking. I so hope I get her back someday. I miss her too

Thank you for letting me vert '

I hope everyone has a quiet peaceful night and a good weekend.

[Sholl1955]

Hello Friends,

I just have a questions for those farther down this road. For those who have other children, Have you had problems with your relationship with them since their sibling died? Sarah and my youngest daughter Rachel were always very close and became even closer as Sarah fought breast cancer for 2 years. We have always been a close family. She began pulling away right away but now she wants nothing to do with me. She has resorted to Texts only and does not want to know what is going on here (and there are quite a few things going on at the same time. She appears very angry with me but I honestly don't know why. She does very good with my grandaughters and will be here for them anytime they want or need her. She and her husband and my grandaughter live about an hour and a half away. I am beginning to suspect that she cannot handle seeing me cry and grieve and percieved it as weakness on my part. I have always had to be strong while raising them due to my husbands disabilites and have always been there for both the girls. She has never seen me be weak and in pain , but I cannot control this nor am I good at covering my pain and loss up around her. It feels like I lost both of them on March 14th 2012. Oh my heart is breaking. I so hope I get her back someday. I miss her too

Thank you for letting me vert '

I hope everyone has a quiet peaceful night and a good weekend.

[BrendaDup59]

Hello Friends,

I just have a questions for those farther down this road. For those who have other children, Have you had problems with your relationship with them since their sibling died? Sarah and my youngest daughter Rachel were always very close and became even closer as Sarah fought breast cancer for 2 years. We have always been a close family. She began pulling away right away but now she wants nothing to do with me. She has resorted to Texts only and does not want to know what is going on here (and there are quite a few things going on at the same time. She appears very angry with me but I honestly don't know why. She does very good with my grandaughters and will be here for them anytime they want or need her. She and her husband and my grandaughter live about an hour and a half away. I am beginning to suspect that she cannot handle seeing me cry and grieve and percieved it as weakness on my part. I have always had to be strong while raising them due to my husbands disabilites and have always been there for both the girls. She has never seen me be weak and in pain , but I cannot control this nor am I good at covering my pain and loss up around her. It feels like I lost both of them on March 14th 2012. Oh my heart is breaking. I so hope I get her back someday. I miss her too

Thank you for letting me vert '

I hope everyone has a quiet peaceful night and a good weekend.

Hi Sandra, I too am feeling the loss of not only my son Brian but also my middle son Brett, when Brett met his wife he started distancing himself from me and my family and I feel that it is due to my daughter in law, I had hoped when we lost Brian that he would realize we are not promised tomorrow, but I have seen him 1 time that was last Sunday for a few minutes and 1 phone call in 7 months. so I too feel like I have lost both my older sons and it hurts, like you I just hope and pray he will change and come around more. I guess with your daughter she is dealing with it in her own way, but you need to grieve for Sarah she was your child . I hope she comes around for you . Brenda

[Angel'sSon]

Kate, Lora and Dee...I had a conversation with my mom about my drinking. Seems she is disappointed with me for drinking and is so so scared that I'm going to try to hurt myself again. I may be drinking , but My intentions are not to harm myself. I don't know how to get thru losing Dustin. I started drinking and he would be so mad at me. The last text that he sent to me was.....MOM, I just wanted to say that I loved you stopping by today!! Mother, I love few, but I love you the most. You overcame trials and won..You are the fighter I look up too. I had a lot to deal with and he knew it. Love you and miss you Dustin!!!!!! MOM

[Angel'sSon]

Hello Friends,

I just have a questions for those farther down this road. For those who have other children, Have you had problems with your relationship with them since their sibling died? Sarah and my youngest daughter Rachel were always very close and became even closer as Sarah fought breast cancer for 2 years. We have always been a close family. She began pulling away right away but now she wants nothing to do with me. She has resorted to Texts only and does not want to know what is going on here (and there are quite a few things going on at the same time. She appears very angry with me but I honestly don't know why. She does very good with my grandaughters and will be here for them anytime they want or need her. She and her husband and my grandaughter live about an hour and a half away. I am beginning to suspect that she cannot handle seeing me cry and grieve and percieved it as weakness on my part. I have always had to be strong while raising them due to my husbands disabilites and have always been there for both the girls. She has never seen me be weak and in pain , but I cannot control this nor am I good at covering my pain and loss up around her. It feels like I lost both of them on March 14th 2012. Oh my heart is breaking. I so hope I get her back someday. I miss her too

Thank you for letting me vert '

I hope everyone has a quiet peaceful night and a good weekend.

My son passed 2 months ago and my oldest girl, 35 yrs. old has had it out with me over me losing my son. She is dealing with breast cancer and taking radiation treatments. I love her to death, but she need not to talk to me and tellme to get over losing Dustin....Not going to happen...God forbid if I lose her to breast cancer, i'm not sure how i can handle it!!! she had a 17 yr old and a 11 yr old girl. My health isn't good or my mental state and I don't know if god could give me the will to go out of the state to take care of her husband and my grandkids. Praying she makes it thru this. She is sick from the radiation and I can't help it if she is upset with me....she has to be here for me and her family!!!!

[ericasmom]

As far as our children and their relationships with we parents after a brother/sister dies...My Son was 21 when his 19 year old sister was killed and I was so frightened of dangerous behaviors, whether it be drinking or drugs, or driving fast or just plain risky behavior. What we saw in Jon instead is that he moved back home with his Dad, two blocks from my husband and me, and he became more sullen. He did not abuse drugs or alcohol of which I am grateful. He was more reclusive, his depression worried me, he also took on the job of making sure his Dad was not alone and lived with his Dad's depression which is not the healthiest but he had a purpose in this. When his Dad got sick five years after Eri died, we saw a return of feeling guilty as we saw when Eri died. He stuck by his Dad through the illness that eventually took him. Depression again and deep loss. Each time I worried that he would become so distant that he would not be able to be around me. I gave him the space but had to really carefully edit what I talked about around him. When Erz died, I talked about her a lot, still do, but didn't around my Son as it sometimes shut him down. So if he spoke of her, I then would add to it, but I would not reminisce with he or his Dad. They could not handle it. Each year we have ERI-fest in our yard in July marking the death and her life and he was always able to greet everyone and thank everyone for coming, and he really appreciates the gathering for its ability to show that Eri lives on in us all. Basically, we step back and let them lead the way to when it is okay to speak freely about the sibling that died.

[Sholl1955]

Thanks Dee. This helps alot to know that other siblings react differently too. Rachel is such s sweet person and it hurts to see her in pain and I want to fix it, but this is another area in life I can't fix. I will try to be patient and supportive but take the cues from her as to what she wants to share. Thanks you.

Have a good Saturday.

Sandy

[Jeff's Mom]

Grief takes on many forms as we go through the stages. No two people are alike. When it comes to losing a sibling it is so difficult for a parent to watch how the remaining child deals with the loss. Each one has their own way of handling the pain and separation. Withdrawl and silence is often so common. Our other son to this day still has only mentioned Jeff once since his death. He told me that there is not a day that goes by that he does not think of him. We talk about him frequently....but still leave it up to the others to respond or not. Sometimes they are just not able too. It takes a long time to accept. A lot depends on how close they were to each other,age differences, etc. If the relationship was a good one or not. So many variables.

[Jeff's Mom]

My son passed 2 months ago and my oldest girl, 35 yrs. old has had it out with me over me losing my son. She is dealing with breast cancer and taking radiation treatments. I love her to death, but she need not to talk to me and tellme to get over losing Dustin....Not going to happen...God forbid if I lose her to breast cancer, i'm not sure how i can handle it!!! she had a 17 yr old and a 11 yr old girl. My health isn't good or my mental state and I don't know if god could give me the will to go out of the state to take care of her husband and my grandkids. Praying she makes it thru this. She is sick from the radiation and I can't help it if she is upset with me....she has to be here for me and her family!!!!

Susan. I hope the treatments your daughter is receiving will help to beat her illness. I know from radiation that it can cause you to become very tired and cause burns. Sounds like she could sure use some TLC from her Mom right now.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Susan, what kinds of reactions is your Daughter having to the radiation? Has she also had to do chemo?

Sandy, glad that we can help with things such as this. It is so hard to know how to measure the responses of the Kids when they are sad...should we intervene, can we make it better? So many variables in thier lives/our lives. I wish you and your Daughter well.

[tobyfreefoot]

i have three other children and they have all acted very differently. one would have nothing to do with me until just recently. it still is a little iffy. sometimes i think seeing me causes him heart ache that he just can't face. on the other hand my daughter has called me every day for 16 months just to say hi (i know she is trying to keep an eye on me) she grieves openly. my middle son is very quiet, very sensitive, close vested. he won't talk about it but he drinks constantly and hugs me three or four times when he tells me bye.

[Sholl1955]

Brenda, Gretchen, Kate and Dee, Thank you for your kind responses. They help alot. I do hope that none of my recent posts have been offensive to anyone. If so, I truly apologize. I would never want to hurt anyone in this forum. Think I will stick to reading the wealth of knowledge and encouragement for the time being.

Have a good Saturday.

[daveydow1]

Sandy-----No need to apologize. We all understand.

Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Susan-----Sending thoughts & prayers for you and your

dear daughter. Dustin will always be with you, and the

love is always there.....strong as ever.

My three surviving children seem to have worked through a lot of

the grief when David passed after these 9 years. They will talk

about Dave if I bring his name up. My older son is especially

open about discussing Dave, and has related many stories to

me about him......some I never knew of before. My youngest

daughter seems ok with talking about him, but usually doesn't

initiate the subject. My other daughter is the same, but she

also tells me things that warm my heart. She and Dave were

close. When Lisa died, the older two were very young. It was

very hard for them, but they did reconcile with her death over the years.

David was born a year after Lisa died.

Time is definitely a friend....in some ways......to help 'soften' the grief.

Of course that doesn't mean anything

when we first lose our beloved children, I know. We must each go a

step at a time, and each must progress at their very own pace.

There's no set timeline for grief. Peace to everyone on BI.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I don't know where or when you feel you may offend anyone, you have always been quite peaceful and supportive it seems to me. Feel very free to put your thoughts here, it is the best way to find some solace and connection.

Beautiful autumn day here, colors all about- an inspiration to be sure.

[shorty16]

I love the talk about our surviving children -- They are suffering too.

We have 3 children, Brian was our middle child - 16 when he died. Michelle was 17 and Aaron was 14. All tough ages anyway - let alone to lose a brother.

In the 4 years since Brian's death, both my kids have come a long way. We started at anger, destruction of property, and fighting in our family. After many years of listening to them, we no longer fight (other than Sister/Brother things, because Aaron is a slob). Aaron stopped destroying property and we have not had the cops at our house in almost 2 years!!!

It took alot of work - crying, screaming and just listening to them.

Hang on my friends... You will get a life back.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

PS: Aaron informed us that he is getting a tatoo tomorrow!!! A cross with Brian's name on it and wings on each side of the cross.

[daveydow1]

Colleen------So nice that Aaron is honoring his brother, Brian, with

a tattoo that signifies his love for his brother, and wish to

memorialize him. Your family has had a rough road, with your

other kids being in those vulnerable young years when Brian

died. My other kids were off on their own when Davey died, but

we all tried to keep the dialog open. It is very difficult ....that's for sure.

Peace to you, my Indigo friend.

Dee-----I think that our 'peak' time for colorful leaves has passed,

and the rain will also bring down lots of leaves. We're to get some

nice days next week. I hope so.....I need to finish up with my outdoor

painting of porch and other trim. Also, my husband and I need to go

back to the woods and cut another clothes prop. We strung another

clothesline, so now need another prop. Hope we can find a suitable

sapling/tree like we did the last time. Deer have cleaned up the yard

of all the fallen chestnuts. Nothing left now but those horrible spiny

hulls. They're a mess to dispose of . We'll put them on the field to be

tilled under. Have you been riding your bike on the trails lately?

Peace & comfort to all INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Here's a pic I took last summer, of a pond with waterlilies.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, we are probably in our last weekend of such brilliant color, leaves are down on many trees but the gingkos and the sweet gum are yet to change and fall. the bushes around town are brilliant crimson and cranberry color, some trees are bright oranges and golds and reds still. Lovely. Yes, we had the rain on and off for three days and now it is off to you. The water lilies are absolutely gorgeous, what a treat to see, thanks for sharing. You must get such a peaceful sense at the pond. No, I have not been riding much since mid-summer as our temps became so outrageous that I just had no interest, plus my back causes me issues so I haven't. Tomorrow however, I may ride. Husband and I might take a walk in the forest preserve tomorrow, so that will be priority.

Col, it is amazing at what time and hard work can do for a family in grief. It is impossible to see at the time, that life will take on some luster again, but you worked hard and the whole family benefited from that. I love the idea of Aaron's tattoo, take a photo of it if he does not mind so we can see his idea in full color.

Sweet night All, and when sweet is impossible please know that it won't always be like this, we promise.

[Jeff's Mom]

Here's a pic I took last summer, of a pond with waterlilies.

Sherry, your picture of the water lilies is just breathtaking. We have few leaves left on the trees on our property. The snow we had a couple of weeks ago and strong winds managed to cause significant damage. Even though it melted it brought many branches down. Most people have closed up their cottages and left for the city. We generally have our first snow that stays around Halloween. Hard to figure out what to put the kids into when they need to wear a parka under the costume. Wow...does that ever bring back memories. Some very crazy weather but good memories. Managed to plant my spring bulbs and am watching carefully for squirrels digging into the planters. So far...so good.

Carol...how are you? Hope your are managing.

Leah...are you doing okay?

Betty...still in Florida? Some of our friends are leaving shortly for the winter. Hope the weather is good down there.

Susan...know you will handle this really well. You honestly can do it. Thinking of you and sending prayers and good thoughts.

Just watching another Titanic episode. The making of this time. Actually pretty good. Did anybody see The Kennedy Family Documentary last night? It was beautifully done. Quite the family. Check out Gordon Pinsent doing the Justin Bieber Autobiography on U tube. Both Canadian. Really funny.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and restful night.

Kate

[Angel'sSon]

Susan, when was your Daughter diagnosed with breast cancer? How hard it all must feel to have so much to worry about on top of dealing the with the death of Dustin and the wondering that surrounds his death. I don't mean to sound like a bully when I say there are choices, I know you don't feel that there are any choices, so forgive me, but I will take thetough role knowing what happens to folks when they do drugs or drink to get through grief. I have seen the loss of more than a few good women andmen to the bottle . It is not weak to grieve, it is not weak to cry and weep, it is what grief demands, and letting it out is the only viable way to go forth.

My daugter was diagnosed about 3 months ago and just hoping the radiation works. Dee, No, you doon't ever have to say forgive you for what you write..I need to hear it. I guess after 2 months of losing Dustin, I thought it would be better. Nope, I was soooo wrong. I don't know if this sounds crazy or not, but earlier I saw something and I looked up and for a split second i saw Dustin. Then, i smelled his cologne..That's his way of letting me know that he is with me?? It made me feel that he is with me. I know I saw him and just cried...but it made me feel a little better cos of this happening!!!

[ericasmom]

I just came in from a beautiful walk, three miles through brightly colored leaves, families out raking,(brings memories) and under perfectly blue skies. It is in the mid-sixties, I am guessing this is the calm before the storms of November. Loving it. I will do some paper grading out on the deck and cleaning inside when I can pull myself in that is.

Just want to send a quote from a young woman who recently found she has an incurable illness: This is not the life I planned...but it is the life I have now.

Indeed Folks, this is never what a parent plans and yet here we are living in the plain truth of the consequences of loss. And while we never planned fo this tragic piece, we can find ways to live a purpose filled life again. Don't expect it to happen quickly, but do know that one day the life you didn't plan will take shape into something good.

[ericasmom]

Brenda, was it you who posted beautiful photos last week of birds including the Cooper's Hawk? Lovely.