Loss of an Adult Child

[Maddy6]

Jared

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Send love and comfort to your family,

You will forever be loved, you will NEVER be forgotten,

You will be be held close in the heart of your family till you meet again.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you all for your birthday wishes for Jared, and for thinking of me and my family today. It has been exhausting, but so worthwhile! It was on the cool side and windy, but we had a good time of fellowship with all Jared's friends and sent our message balloons up to heaven in helium balloons! It was great! I will try to post some pics here.

Dee, thank you for the song!! OMG, he so loved Bob Marley, and the scenery pics were beautiful!

Betty, I love the card you made!! Wow! I am adding that to my pics from today to save!!

[Maddy6]

I am so happy for you Becky, I am smiling warmly looking at your pictures and thinking of you and your family enjoying the day together and remembering Jared. So, so happy for you

LOVE,

MADDY

[mikesmum]

Becky ~ The day looks like it went well. I love the words you wrote for JD...I am even more impressed by the way he expressed himself in his own writings. The balloon launch looks amazing, they would add to the party going on way up high. I'm sure JD would be so proud of how you honour him. Your writing, your efforts to raise awareness so others may be spared this journey all in JD's name.

Dee ~ It does hit hard, without us knowing, seeing our childrens peers moving on with their lives. I know you would be nothing but elated for Eri's friends, but there will be part of your heart that misses these milestones with your 'Tink'. I ran into one of Mike's friends at the local mall. Adam was just going out with a young girl back in 2005. Now he's married with a 4yr old son. Time passes without even trying.

Linda ~ I'm so glad you are taking the cruise. Catching up with your birth sister might just be what you need about now. Hope you find a time to just be while you are away.

Well winter has found its way here with avengance. Its 8C and as dark as night here. Tomorrow is ANZAC day. The day we remember those who were killed on the beaches of Gallipoli. We also remember those who served and continued to serve in the ensuing wars, police actions.

Dawn service is part of this day. The fighting would cease at sunset and begin again at sunrise. So tomorrow I will be attending Dawn Service as I have in past years. This year though my eldest grandson Zak will be part of the uniformed guard. He is a cub scout. Youngest son Steven will wear my fathers medals....a first for him.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young. Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow. They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted, They fell with their faces to the foe. They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember them. Lest we forget

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, well these last 6 weeks have been such a living nightmare, I can relate to everything Robertsmom says and feels, I have just been unable to write much ,just helping my 9 year old with his homework has been difficult. I am still dealing with the raw pain of just realizing I will never see my son again, and dealing with the the fact his brother is still not speaking to me or my family, and it just make my pain worse. I found out last night from my DL that my sons corneas were used and helped 2 people to see, his heart valves , soft tissue and bone and they said an ear bone, were all used and that was all she could tell her I have such mixed emotions , my head tells me this is wonderful and what Brian would have wanted , but heart breaks at the thought of my son does that make since? I am a Donner ,I have never thought of not being one but I guess it just makes my mind really except he is never coming back. I know everyone says it gets better , I just feel like everyday gets worse, I still have trouble looking at his pictures. I just hate this. Brenda

[vivkib]

Brenda, 6 weeks is still such a short time. I'm almost 7 months along this horrible path and it still hurts so very much. I am finding a few more good days then bad, but sometimes it hits so hard I can't move. Most of the time I smile when I look at my son's pics but I have times I can't because it brings a flood of tears. I think I'm between depression and numbness. I feel bad when I have a good day but I hate the teary ones because I know my son would be so sad to know my pain is from a bad decision on his part that took him from me. Some days I don't know how to go on but what choice is there. Anyway, I guess this is just a long way of saying, I understand and I'll be praying for you. The pain will ease a bit, take care of yourself. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[Maddy6]

Brenda, yes, everything you say makes sense to us. While I read with envy at the thought of someone else having your son's eyes, and wished that had been the case with my Rachael, I DO understand what you are saying. That it means he is not coming back, and they are using organs that were necessary in his life. So the harsh reality hits and it is all so much to deal with. I am sorry your son is still not speaking to you. He may be in a lot of pain and this is how he is processing things. My children had so many issues in the years after losing their sister. Two of my sons, 16 months apart, were best friends. So much so, that I had NEVER heard a cross word between them in their entire lives. I am not exaggerating. Before the most difficult grieving years were over, they were having some pretty rough arguments at times. Sometimes we strike out at the safest people in our lives , the ones that we know will still keep loving us no matter what. Also, Brenda it will eventually get better. Please trust me when I say that. But it is a a long journey, and we are here for you. We know your pain. We grieve with you, and our hearts are broken with yours. I am so very sorry for the heartache of losing your beloved son. So very, very sorry. We are here to listen and we care. LOVE, MADDY

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky...what a lovely tribute to Jared. I'm so glad the day went well for you. The pictures were lovely.

Trudi...Very nice picture of your Dad. He looked quite happy there. Yes, we will never forget the bravery of those who fought for our freedom. You must have been very proud to have seen your grandson Zak in the ceremony. And how nice that Steven was proudly wearing the medals.

Sorry to see that your winter is settling in. We are just starting to experience a bit of spring these past few days. Today they are calling for a high of 22C. Not too bad.

Brenda...it is still so very soon into this process for you. I can not begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss and that you have had to join this site. Be patient with yourself. It takes courage and strength and a ton of time to work through this pain. Take care of yourself.

Kate

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----thanks for your kind greeting. I've been reading, but just not doing too much posting.

Hoping that with the advent of spring, your heart & spirit can be lifted. Westley is surely smiling

down and sending love to you.

HAPPY BELATED HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ..............JARED.

Linda ----Wishing you peace & comfort at this time of your great sorrow.

Becky ------I read JD's writing, done at age 13. He was so insightful and wise for one his age.

Shelly------congrats on your new precious little granddaughter, Grace.

Carol-----Your pics are so great. Looks like everyone had a good time at FENWAY. Thanks for posting them.

Davis & Damien are such handsome guys!!

Betty------Thanks for the nice pics. thanks for your kind words, friend.

Brenda-----Sorry that you have been in a dark place. Sending peace & prayers.

Dee-----Sorry that you've had some rough times when sadness seems to wash over & tears flow. Prayers.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[JD's Mom, Becky]

OMG, I am soooo excited!! I just noticed when looking at my pics from yesterday, that there was a green glow in front of one of our friends, and I didn't notice it before. I wrote to ask her if she had her cell phone out, thinking that it might be a reflection off of it, but she didn't! Her phone was still in her pocket! Here is the picture again, and the 2nd one shows it zoomed in!

It looks heart shaped to me!!

Is this a sign?? Is this the spirit of my baby floating through? I knew he was with us, watching us, but this..... wow!

[Jeff's Mom]

OMG, I am soooo excited!! I just noticed when looking at my pics from yesterday, that there was a green glow in front of one of our friends, and I didn't notice it before. I wrote to ask her if she had her cell phone out, thinking that it might be a reflection off of it, but she didn't! Her phone was still in her pocket! Here is the picture again, and the 2nd one shows it zoomed in!

It looks heart shaped to me!!

Is this a sign?? Is this the spirit of my baby floating through? I knew he was with us, watching us, but this..... wow!

Becky, I looked at the picture a couple of times. It sure looks like a heart shaped glow to me. And it looked like a pretty nice party...can't imagine Jared would have missed it for anything.

[Maddy6]

Becky, Wow and wow!!! That is absolutely amazing. It is green and it is heart shaped and it is incredible!!

Not that I am any kind of expert, or know absolutely anything concerning photography, but I have certainly taken lost of pictures over the years and I have NEVER seen something like that in a picture before. It is distinct and exactly heart shaped and it does not look like any kind of reflection of of anything. It certainly appears to be a sign from Jared. Amazing!!

LOVE,

MADDY

[ericasmom]

Fabulous Green Heart given to you from Jared upon his Birthday Celebration-

A reason to take heart, he showed you his. Green---life everlasting, evergreen.

[aim630]

Happy Belated Heavenly Birthday Jared!

I know you were with your family as they celebrated, and you sent them a heart to let them know you were there!

Becky, I love what you wrote to Jared, and I'm glad the party went well. The "firsts" are always difficult. I am writing this from my iPad, so no colors. Sometimes I can figure it out, but mostly I can't.

Carol-I am so glad you had a good time at the ballpark. Damon was such a good sport, posing with the hot dog, even though he didn't really care for it.The boys all look like young Mike. I am gla Mik showed you he was there, as the dragonfly flew by. Katie and I are probably going to an Indians game May 4th. We have free tickets that have to be used in April or May. She is covering the baseball team at OU for one of the websites she writes for, so we have to work around their schedule also.

Just got over the flu, which I was surprised to get, since I had the shot. Guess It's not 100% foolproof. No one is a bigger advocate than me about the shot, since basically Ashley died from complications of the flu...

L

[mikesmum]

Becky ~ YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES....I know others might think I'm crazy, but I'm very much a believer in signs....The light shining through....a Hi from JD to let you know the balloons are cool and he gets that you love him......So happy you got your sign....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you, all of you for confirming this precious sign from JD!! My daughter has been the happiest since yesterday's celebration of Jared's birthday, that I have seen her since this happened. Reconnecting with friends, making new friends with Jared's friends, all good.

I have to tell you though, that two of the young people brought us sympathy cards, which I didn't open until after everyone had gone, so I thought they had brought birthday cards, and was so surprised to see these two sympathy cards, as it reminded me of how many of those I have already read at the time of his death and his funeral, over 500. I said to my husband and to Jasmine, these people don't get it, yes, we're still very sad, yes, we are still grieving his loss, but today was a day of remembering when Jared came into this world and into our lives, and I will always celebrate that!

It was on a Monday night that he was killed, and so every Monday since has been as Dee said "an assault on my being", but yesterday, thanks to loving family and friends, it was easier to face another Monday night. I looked at my watch several times, when it was between 7:10 and 7:14pm when they think he was killed, and thought of it, but with the party still ongoing, didn't dwell on it. I know there will be plenty more Monday's to deal with those harsh memories, but his birthday? A blessed day.

Becky ~ YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES....I know others might think I'm crazy, but I'm very much a believer in signs....The light shining through....a Hi from JD to let you know the balloons are cool and he gets that you love him......So happy you got your sign....

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, Becky yes, I too am a believer in signs from our angels. If it were not for that, I would be crazier than I am. We have seen many signs from Mike, and they began very soon after his passing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sign that Jared sent to you...so perfect, so true, so blessed. He was there, celebrating with all of you, and he wanted you to know. I am so glad to hear that this has impacted his sister in a positive way. Yes, "all good," so very good.

Blessings of sweet memories to you all.

[mikesmomrs]

Amy, I know that you and Katie will have a good time at your ballgame. Thank you for your kind words about the pics.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing the pics I posted. I still feel my heart jump when I look at them...such a day of memories. Such a gift, that day, such a gift.

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky ~ The day looks like it went well. I love the words you wrote for JD...I am even more impressed by the way he expressed himself in his own writings. The balloon launch looks amazing, they would add to the party going on way up high. I'm sure JD would be so proud of how you honour him. Your writing, your efforts to raise awareness so others may be spared this journey all in JD's name.

Dee ~ It does hit hard, without us knowing, seeing our childrens peers moving on with their lives. I know you would be nothing but elated for Eri's friends, but there will be part of your heart that misses these milestones with your 'Tink'. I ran into one of Mike's friends at the local mall. Adam was just going out with a young girl back in 2005. Now he's married with a 4yr old son. Time passes without even trying.

Linda ~ I'm so glad you are taking the cruise. Catching up with your birth sister might just be what you need about now. Hope you find a time to just be while you are away.

Well winter has found its way here with avengance. Its 8C and as dark as night here. Tomorrow is ANZAC day. The day we remember those who were killed on the beaches of Gallipoli. We also remember those who served and continued to serve in the ensuing wars, police actions.

Dawn service is part of this day. The fighting would cease at sunset and begin again at sunrise. So tomorrow I will be attending Dawn Service as I have in past years. This year though my eldest grandson Zak will be part of the uniformed guard. He is a cub scout. Youngest son Steven will wear my fathers medals....a first for him.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young. Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow. They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted, They fell with their faces to the foe. They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember them. Lest we forget

Trudi...reading your post sparked major deja vu. In our province of 100,000. lakes we have honoured all those who lost their lives in service during war by naming a lake, river, island, etc. after them.

Not long after a close Uncle of ours died... we were going through his things. Jeff and I headed down to the basement of his home to begin the chore of cleaning up. We found an old steamer trunk filled to the brim. We opened it up and found a treasure of memorabilia. We sat down and started to sift through old letters, uniforms, medals, and the realization of a life that we never knew existed. He had kept his life at that time a complete secret. It explained so much. The old guy was human after all. He just had buried it by his experiences. He had a heart of gold that he had learned to bury. It explained so much. God bless them all for the sacrifices they made to allow us the priviledge to live in peace.

[dhathc00]

Another day of horrid mixed emotions, pressure from others involved to settle for insurance money, many people asking how I'm doing. and business dealing with customers complaining about trivial "to me of course, to them, worlds going to end if their a/c don't work in this 80 degree heatwave." I have decided to just say I'm doing "OK" to the people who ask how I'm doing,, there is no good honest answer that i can think of. Most of the time it is people i meet on the "street" and given the moment I could answer with anything from its a pretty day to I wish I was dead. I know they don't know what else to say,, and like I've said many many times "there is good and bad in everything" this has been my mantra for over thirty years, its dam hard to say it with the same spirit as i used too,, but it is still there, Someday I hope to view the world around me without seeing it as not having my son in it anymore. It is almost 6 months,, I can tell by my readings here that someday................. But as for the good and bad we live In a small town so almost everyone knows everyone,, it is hard to be "chin up" and a good example of a reasonable human being. But for matters of this consideration it is often best to just present this fa-cad and go on, I imagine most would be traumatized if i truly told them how I am doing. I suppose I will go on, I have a 15 yr old daughter I must consider,, otherwise.... Everything is just a reminder that Daniel is missing,, he's not here, never will be. Everything I look at is like a family picture except Daniel is not in it. I look at things and say to myself Daniel will never see this, I torment over his short life and what he didn't see or experience. I suppose I should be thankful for the years we did have him, and am, but so much is ruined. I hope I don't cause anyone here more pain I'm just venting, I hope I haven't said things that are hurtful, but how stupid is that anything said that causes a reflection of reality is probably going to cause pain, so very sorry, it has to get better. Past two weeks I've suffered from shoulder injury i caused when i got upset and strained muscle in my back/shoulder. Hurts like hell at times, hard to sleep for very long without waking to severe pain. Almost a blessing tho it distracts me at times, breaks my thoughts, at least I can know it will get better, it will heal, I've done it before, its just a muscle, Hows my arm? getting better. F**K!!!

[mikesmomrs]

Daniel's dad...just checking in before I go to sleep and saw your post. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I am glad though that you are reading, and encouraged that you went ahead and posted. You are not causing any of us more pain by posting about yours...that is why we are here...to help each other, to feel that this is a safe place where we can vent and say how we truly feel, and to seek comfort when we are ready. Sometimes all we can speak of is our pain, and in the beginning it is not just 'sometimes' but pretty much all the time. But you are right and I am glad that you have noticed the posts by those of us here longer that tell you this will get softer; you will find your joy again. Your Daniel is right there with you and he will lead you to a smile at a sweet memory---perhaps even one of the memories that now make you wince with the pain of it... But all of that does take time, and the journey to that

moment of renewed joy in your memories can be long and painful. But please know that the destination is there and you will one day reach it and you will feel that warmth of a sweet memory fill your heart. Our tears never completely end; they can show up just about any time, and for all time they live behind our eyes. But eventually a time will come when you experience them just a little less at first, so little you may not even notice it at first. But it will happen We who have been here a while have been where you are (and sometimes can still find ourselves there) and we promise that one day you will realize that you have felt joy, felt love, felt hope within your heart again and you will see and feel the sun again. Meantime, please come and share more about your Daniel..we love to hear about our angels and those angels of our fellow Indigos. My heart holds you close and I send strength to you in my thoughts and prayers.

[mikesmum]

Dwayne ~ It really is a topsy turvy world this world of grief. Just when we think we might be able to take a breath something from somewhere hits us like a huge wave knocking us off our feet.

Dealing with so many things without our normal reserve of strengths is also part of this journey. Posting here, let it all out in a supported community like BI can sometimes be the thing that allows us that space to gain that breath.

One of the best things about this site and the people here, you are able to 'dump' without fear. Sometimes reading, posting or just letting it all out is enough, but never feel you can't.

Today has been an odd day. Starting with Dawn Service. Steven and family attended in the wee small hours. I gave Jeya the picture of my dad in uniform...She was taken by the slouch hat being worn by the regular Army men at the service..."Its just like Great Grampa's"! Zak wore the medals today. You could find your way following his beaming smile.

We wandered into town here to watch the 10am service. The town is closed down to allow the service personal and families to march to the Cenotaph. Its something else to see a community of all ages come together.

Now for the odd ~ Five years ago my manager and the CEO of the company I worked for rejected my application for WorkCover, due to stress. They believed that working when Mike's call came in wasn't 'stressful'. They believed I was 'trained' for just such an event. The court battle went 4 days with me in the stand for one of them. . They were the ones who bought all the posts from here and Micheals site to court to prove I was grieving (DUMBASSES), not stressed. I wasted much energy on 'disliking' these gentlemen

Well today I have learnt that they have both been fired. Yep, one for failing to be proactive in the workplace & failing to meet required standards. The other...who cares, he's gone!!! The other bit of news, the Team Leader who was on that day who said she didn't know what to do with a 'grieving person', well she has now gone into the funeral business

Like I said ODD!

Nite Indigos

[shorty16]

Daniel's Dad

You sound alot like me at the 6th month mark, except your responses are much kinder. Sometimes when asked "How are you doing?" I would respond "I am standing upright and breathing."

Only 6 months after Brian's death, I met with a friend and she ssid to me "There will be some good that comes out of this." At first, I wanted to punch her. But 3.5 years later, I see a person in the mirror that I like. I have changed and I like who I have become. I would trade it all to have Brian back, but I cannot.

Hang in there my friend. You will find your way in this new world and you may be suprised what you find.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever.

[Maddy6]

Trudi, The odd? Nahhh, that's what happens to people who are nasty. It eventually comes back and bites them in the butt!! Glad you had the opportunity to see it.

As far as changes since her death? Some good changes within. Changes that could never have taken place otherwise. It is bittersweet and the changes will never, ever be fully valued by me because I paid too high of a price. I feel cheated and then that makes me angry. So I go back to putting one foot in front of the other, trying to keep good will in my heart at all times, and looking for the positive in life. Gone is the person who was confident and so sure life would reward her with a prize for her efforts. Gone is the person who blindly trusted with naive innocence and hope. Not sure if I want that person back..........but I would love the person back who somehow believed that there was a happy ending to the story.............just because. Perhaps the child in me is what died, perhaps I finally became an adult......I had forgotten about that. I was always accused of being childish for my fun loving antics. If I took my kids to the park you would find me ON the swings with them, or even on the monkey bars.....this behavior into my 40's. As Carson was 8 years old when she died and he would have still been being taken to the park. When my teens had crazy water gun fights etc. I was in their midst and HAD to have a water gun also to participate. The list goes on, you get the picture. That is the person who died. The person who was silly, and fun. The person who snuck with her kids and helped them put shaving cream all over their dad's face while he slept. The light hearted person who was full of silly antics, loved to hang out in the middle of the kids, was ready to throw yet another party at a moment's notice and had never truly grown up...........no, refused to grow up. Refused to take a hardened, cynical view of life and cease having fun. Well, the parties over. I guess that person was a nice chum for the time being. But I doubt she will ever make her appearance again, not in this life. I think that is the person my children miss most. They remember their fun loving mom, and she died with their sister.Thanks for listening. Until I just wrote that, I truly had completely forgotten that person.Thanks for listening,Maddy

[Jeff's Mom]

Trudi, The odd? Nahhh, that's what happens to people who are nasty. It eventually comes back and bites them in the butt!! Glad you had the opportunity to see it.

As far as changes since her death? Some good changes within. Changes that could never have taken place otherwise. It is bittersweet and the changes will never, ever be fully valued by me because I paid too high of a price. I feel cheated and then that makes me angry. So I go back to putting one foot in front of the other, trying to keep good will in my heart at all times, and looking for the positive in life. Gone is the person who was confident and so sure life would reward her with a prize for her efforts. Gone is the person who blindly trusted with naive innocence and hope. Not sure if I want that person back..........but I would love the person back who somehow believed that there was a happy ending to the story.............just because. Perhaps the child in me is what died, perhaps I finally became an adult......I had forgotten about that. I was always accused of being childish for my fun loving antics. If I took my kids to the park you would find me ON the swings with them, or even on the monkey bars.....this behavior into my 40's. As Carson was 8 years old when she died and he would have still been being taken to the park. When my teens had crazy water gun fights etc. I was in their midst and HAD to have a water gun also to participate. The list goes on, you get the picture. That is the person who died. The person who was silly, and fun. The person who snuck with her kids and helped them put shaving cream all over their dad's face while he slept. The light hearted person who was full of silly antics, loved to hang out in the middle of the kids, was ready to throw yet another party at a moment's notice and had never truly grown up...........no, refused to grow up. Refused to take a hardened, cynical view of life and cease having fun. Well, the parties over. I guess that person was a nice chum for the time being. But I doubt she will ever make her appearance again, not in this life. I think that is the person my children miss most. They remember their fun loving mom, and she died with their sister.Thanks for listening. Until I just wrote that, I truly had completely forgotten that person.Thanks for listening,Maddy

Maddy. I can relate to all that you are saying. I too was a very upbeat person and always saw the good in others. But you are... and were... definitely NOT a chump. That was your personality shining through. And a lovely one at that. As proven with your Easter activities for the kids. We have all gone through a terrible shock and loss. Our hearts have been ripped out and we are left standing broken in a million pieces. It is up to us to find the way to try to put some of them back into place. It will never be the same again. It is a chapter closed in a book. But we surprise ourselves at times with our strengths and determination to push forward. Even at our lowest our will to keep going kicks in and we just do it. As hard as it is we find a way to put that foot in front of the other and keep walking. If this is the new you...then I like the person you have become. Despite your adversities you have chosen to remain strong and supportive and positive. Good for you!

Daniel's Dad...I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Everyone here truly does understand. In time the pain will soften ever so slightly and you will be able to breathe again. Take care of yourself.

It is now two years for me. I did not have an opportunity to grieve for my son... as we had another family member that was very ill and needed our care. It was only this past winter that I have truly absorbed the full impact of what happened. I have found that after this period of time that I need to be even stronger then I ever imagined because there is absolutley no support whatsoever. None. My husband has gone into shutdown mode due to the shock and trauma of what we witnessed that night. Our other son has literally never mentioned Jeff's name since it happened. As if he never existed. I feel as if I am trying to keep his memory alive and at least give him the deserved recognition of a life well lived. It is so easy to be forgotten in this busy world we live in. Not necessarily intentionally done. But it happens. I guess I am not ready to let him go just yet. Somehow I have to find that strength. I would give anything to just have him walk through that door again. I am about to attend a wedding of one of his closest friends. It is killing me to go. A reminder of all that he will never experience. I am very happy for the young couple and wish them the best. But I will only see Jeff when I look at them. The life he will never have. A sad and tragic waste of a young life. If only.

[vivkib]

Danielsdad, I'm so sorry for your loss and your need to be here. I lost my son Kevin almost 7 months ago. Don't be sorry for coming here to vent, we all do and we all understand. It IS so hard to now how to answer that same old, tired question "How are you doing?" Well, Duh!!!!!! How in the world are we suppose to feel when our lives have changed forever? I would love to have thier trivil problems. Bring on the no A/C in 80 degree weather or whatever the life shattering problem is for them. I understand the "good and bad in everything", I've also tried to see it in my life also, but your right it's different now. Now I have to really look for the good. I will say we have found a number of things that are good that have come as a direct result of my son passing. I know, how can that be? I have a son in prison that gave his life back to the Lord after years of away from his beliefs. He wants to be with his brother again some day. My ex-husband has apolagized to the kids for the way he put himself first for so meny years and is trying to make it up to them. My 19 yrs old son stopped parting because he realized his life could be gone in a minute and he wants to make his big brother proud of him, and has he ever. He has turned into the most mature young man. I get told all the time what a wonderful, loving, resectful young man he is. I've even been told "Thank you for bringing him into this world". There are meny other things I could mention but you get the picture. These things and more would not have happened if Kevin was still here. I wish there had been another way but this is the way it had to be I guess. I miss him everyday and I know I always will. I hope your shoulder gets to feeling better. The pain we feel on this journey is a very real physical thing. Sometimes it just hurts to breath, but we will all make it some how. Again, vent as much as you need to. Hugs and Prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[davincidanes]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to stop in and say "Hi" to let you know that I'm still here...reading when I can an supporting all of you in your sadness. I find it's better for me to force myself to do things rather than spend alot of time dwelling on the loss of my wonderful son. Last week I had a positive appointment with my oncologist and the good news is my cancer has not returned, so for that I am thankful. However, she finally talked me into trying anti-depressants and some sleeping pills..... I didn't sleep much at all. So I am getting some rest finally, but I don't like taking pills...... It's just not me, but it does feel good to sleep. I'm able to get some creative work done, finally which is also a good for me.

There are certainly times when I nearly fall to my knees with sorrow, especially now that Sean's first earthly birthday in heaven is approaching next week. I don't know how in the world I'm going to get thru that day. Hugs to all.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Just wanted to share that they came and put the Adopt-A-Highway sign up today that is dedicated to Jared, on both ends of our roadway. I signed a group of volunteers up to keep our roadway clean, and in return they post the signs. I would like to have seen them change the 50mph sign to a 35mph, but I am thankful for what progress we can claim.

I know how you feel, Daniel's Dad, as I am the same way when people ask me how I am. I have been very verbal in my poetry, which is published on FB and on the football site which I manage, but most of the time I just say "taking one day at a time, that's all we can do". None of them get it, because they can't. They haven't had this devastating loss in their lives, and there is nothing else to compare it to. I have to appreciate the fact that they ask, because many don't even mention it, I guess because they just don't feel comfortable talking about it. I think thinking about your child's possible death is more than most can even begin to contemplate, so they just avoid it.

[Jeff's Mom]

Danielsdad, I'm so sorry for your loss and your need to be here. I lost my son Kevin almost 7 months ago. Don't be sorry for coming here to vent, we all do and we all understand. It IS so hard to now how to answer that same old, tired question "How are you doing?" Well, Duh!!!!!! How in the world are we suppose to feel when our lives have changed forever? I would love to have thier trivil problems. Bring on the no A/C in 80 degree weather or whatever the life shattering problem is for them. I understand the "good and bad in everything", I've also tried to see it in my life also, but your right it's different now. Now I have to really look for the good. I will say we have found a number of things that are good that have come as a direct result of my son passing. I know, how can that be? I have a son in prison that gave his life back to the Lord after years of away from his beliefs. He wants to be with his brother again some day. My ex-husband has apolagized to the kids for the way he put himself first for so meny years and is trying to make it up to them. My 19 yrs old son stopped parting because he realized his life could be gone in a minute and he wants to make his big brother proud of him, and has he ever. He has turned into the most mature young man. I get told all the time what a wonderful, loving, resectful young man he is. I've even been told "Thank you for bringing him into this world". There are meny other things I could mention but you get the picture. These things and more would not have happened if Kevin was still here. I wish there had been another way but this is the way it had to be I guess. I miss him everyday and I know I always will. I hope your shoulder gets to feeling better. The pain we feel on this journey is a very real physical thing. Sometimes it just hurts to breath, but we will all make it some how. Again, vent as much as you need to. Hugs and Prayers. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

Becky...glad to see that progress is being made.

Vivian...I had a lovely elderly couple stop in front of our place yesterday to ask how I was doing. I was never happier to see them. They lost both of their sons a few years apart. They are now totally alone. They smiled at me kindly and knowingly when they sincerely asked how I was. I wanted to hug them. They do understand and there are only so many ways a person is able to express it. We often in our pain block out the sincerity of those words. Maybe to some it is hollow...but others can only offer up what they are able to.

Seans Mom...I am very pleased to see that you had great news from your oncologist. That's wonderful. Take care.

[lilysmommy]

Today i went with my bf from houston to laredo on his semi..we flipped over and skid about 100 yards..i was asleep in the sleeper and woke up when we flipped..i never wear my seatbelt in the back..but i woke up a little after i fell asleep and just put it on so i could snap in Lilys bear i take with me everywhere..she saved my life..as i hung onto the net..i saw everythin breakin under me and shattin and flyin out the windows..she saved my life..we're ok..my chest is a little swollen and i have bumps and bruises everywhere but we're fine..thank you Lily..even though i would do anythin to see you today i guess its jus not my time yet..

[ericasmom]

Lily's Mom, so glad that you were saved by the Bear that Lily loves, you woke to strap in, some sort of Angel message to you, unspoken but nevertheless, given and received, and there you were turning upside down but saved. Thank Heavens, and your Beautiful Angel. Wow, now take it easy and heal.

Daniel's Dad, coming here to vent is what we all do, and that becomes conversation and connection. We all vent here, it is our Safe Place, our little Shelter for we Misplaced Parents. As Colleen posted, six months finds many of us in a very raw and terribly sad place. It is a mark of time that forces us to see the year mark down the line and it is horrendous. We know, so come here and let it out. You won't scare anyone away, we all get it.

Vivian, I love the good news from your Family, the inspiring changes your Children have made in light of their Brother's death. He sheds his light on you All in hopes that you see him as a lantern, a source and a constant.

Kate, the wedding may be a very hard step to take, but it will also offer you some kind of good too. I left ERi's friend's wedding and wept for an hour or more, uncontrollable, this was around 4 years after Eri died, but seeing Tamara grown and married also let me feel Eri's joy at this, she was there, standing beside her beaming friend, so glad that we celebrated it with them. Now Tamara has a Daughter, and many of Eri's friends are moving in that direction, I know Erica, she is so incredibly happy for her Buddies. I do get caught in the missing, like a net that I am unable to get out of for a while. It is all part of the process, and with each step, we find our bearings.

Trudi, how odd that those folks that mistreated you are now out of work. I remember those days where you had to prove yourself and they refused to see what was involved in yoru particular case. It made me so mad that you had to try to prove what was making your life at work so difficult. I get all riled up again thinking of it.

The ceremony today sounds like a very lovely one.

Becky, so good to see the Adopt a Highway Signs in JD's honor. What goodness you are creating in His Name.

[ericasmom]

Sean's Mom, I am thrilled that you are in the clear with the cancer, so good to know. And that you are getting some sleep is doubly good news. I know that you don't want to take pills, but the up side is probably going to outweigh the negatives. I hope that your sleep is sweet and that dreams are as well.

[mysonrich]

Hi Indigo's, here and well. Thinking of you all and reading some days. I needed a break from many things, regular day to day life in general.. My birthday was yesterday and I took a few steps back. Another year for me. Stuff just creeps into my mind, the thought process changes,the mood changes and I take a turn again and back, to step forward in another direction. Shake off the bad so to speak. I decided that I wouldn't be mad at Bruce Springsteen anymore. Last time his tickets went on sale the 99%'s,or many, were locked out of ticketmaster by resalers scalpers etc. I caved and bought tickets to his September show. You don't know what your missing Greg

Dee, he added a 3rd Chicago show.

Words to a song on his new CD. Made me think of us all. A youtube link too.

Rise up shepherd, rise up

Your flock has roamed far from the hills

Stars have faded, the sky is still

Sun's in the heavens and a new day's rising

You use your muscle and your mind and you pray your best

That your best is good enough, the Lord will do the rest

You raise your children and you teach 'them to walk straight and sure

You pray that hard times, hard times, come no more

You try to sleep, you toss and turn, the bottom's dropping out

Where you once had faith now there's only doubt

You pray for guidance, only silence now meets your prayers

The morning breaks, you awake but no one's there

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

There's a new day coming

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

(I'm a soldier! )

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

There's a new day coming

Happy Birthday Jared !!

[mikesmomrs]

Lilysmommy...your sweet angel was there with you, and made sure you were safe...you still,have things to do in this life and she came to be sure you are still around to do them. Life is so strange sometimes, and I don' t think we will ever understand, but I am glad you are safe and I am sure your precious Lily is smiling as she sends her love to you. thank you for sharing this.

Speaking of sharing, BECKY! thank you so much for sharing the signs put up on your roadway...a beautiful tribute to your sweet JD...a birthday present to him...one I am sure you never would have wished for, but in the process of your grief, you are working to ensure the safety of others who come after him and your sweet boy is smiling proudly.

TRUDI: Again, speaking of sharing, thank you so much for sharing your dad's picture and the ceremony honoring those who fought to ensure our freedoms that we enjoy. I can just imagine how you felt when you 'passed the torch' to the younger generation...what an honor for them to have in their lineage. I too remember those horrible days when your employer's reps came to BI! invading your privacy, and how horrific it was formyou. I totally dislike the words "sweet revenge" and choose to think of it as Karma...something that is the stuff of what this world is made of, and rightly so.

VIVIAN: The changes in your family are such wonderous things to behold, and I am so glad to hear of them, as I am sure Kevin is to see theKATE:m...and yet we here understand the pain felt over the missing still,of our beloved child. Perhaps these good things that we see happening are gifts sent to help ease our tremendous sorrow.

KATE: We will all be with you as you attend the wedding, sending you strength and holding you close. Jeff will be there, also, right by you, surrounding you with his sweet spirit.

SEAN'S MOM: So glad to hear of the news from your oncologist. thank you for sharing. I'm glad to hear that you've found something that will help you to sleep. We totallyunderstand the 'falling to your knees' especially as you see this first birthday without your precious child here on earth with you. We will be here for you, holding you close.

We are moving towards the 7th so much quicker than I would like (Mike's surgery date), and yet, we are anxious to put this part of hubby's journey behind us and, prayerfully, move forward with his healing again. The surgery is so dangerous and I must admit to my fear, while struggling mightily to hold strong to my faith that 'all will be well.' Mike has had some very close calls, three times in fact, since young Mike died, and each time I have asked God to 'give us more time,' and my prayers have been answered. I fear my continuing utterances of 'not now' will one day not be heard and my fears will be realized. My prayer now is "not yet, please, not yet." Kim comes in from Virginia next Wenesday morning. We look forward to seeing her again and being together for a bit.

My thougts are with you all, my prayers speak your names, and my wish is for each of us to sleep with sweet memories of our angels filling our nightime hours. I did not sleep well last night, spending the night fighti

ng off the fears that lurk in my brain when my guard is down, so hopefully sleep will come tonight as I am in sore need of it.

[mikesmomrs]

BETSY: So good to hear from you and see Rich's sweet smile. How is Sarah...still loving New York? Sometimes when we are on our way to Boston for a gameat Fenway, as we pass the brownstones that are such a part of the city, it makes me think of New York and I think then of Sarah and wonder how she is doing. I don't even know what type of building she lives in, but for some reason I associate these buildings with her and her brave steps she took to move into her adult life. I know you miss her being near, but you must be so proud of her.

MADDY: I too like the person you have become...you are sweet, caring and determined and this has been proven by your deliberate moves of late to be a mom to your children again...you may not be the 'same' mom, but perhaps an improved one who has been blessed with the fortitude to find a way to be there for your children and show them that we can rise to life's challenges and perhaps be an even better person in the end.

[ericasmom]

I am so glad to see you Betsy, and happy belated birthday, you and I are 4 days after me. I hope the steps you are taking are fulfilling and hold good things to come. Certainly looking forward to Bruce will give you a something special to look forward to. I heard he added a show in Chicago, I am not much for GIANT shows anymore, at one time though, I sure loved giant shows. I do like the songs on his new album, well all two that the radio station I listen to plays. the words to the one you posted are very much like us at BI, soldiers traveling over rocky ground to be sure. And so when the ground is smooth, enjoy it, we get those smooth times mixed in between the rocky times.

Carol, I wish you and your Beloved the very best as the date for surgery approaches, faster as you said, than you'd like on one hand, and yet, how nice to be on the other side of it. Having Kim with you next week will be sweet and your family can rally around your Mike, what better medicine is that?

Blessings and perhaps deep sleep. I count you guys when I cannot fall asleep, instead of sheep, I count parents and their Angels.

Love to All

[tobyfreefoot]

Another day of horrid mixed emotions, pressure from others involved to settle for insurance money, many people asking how I'm doing. and business dealing with customers complaining about trivial "to me of course, to them, worlds going to end if their a/c don't work in this 80 degree heatwave." I have decided to just say I'm doing "OK" to the people who ask how I'm doing,, there is no good honest answer that i can think of. Most of the time it is people i meet on the "street" and given the moment I could answer with anything from its a pretty day to I wish I was dead. I know they don't know what else to say,, and like I've said many many times "there is good and bad in everything" this has been my mantra for over thirty years, its dam hard to say it with the same spirit as i used too,, but it is still there, Someday I hope to view the world around me without seeing it as not having my son in it anymore. It is almost 6 months,, I can tell by my readings here that someday................. But as for the good and bad we live In a small town so almost everyone knows everyone,, it is hard to be "chin up" and a good example of a reasonable human being. But for matters of this consideration it is often best to just present this fa-cad and go on, I imagine most would be traumatized if i truly told them how I am doing. I suppose I will go on, I have a 15 yr old daughter I must consider,, otherwise.... Everything is just a reminder that Daniel is missing,, he's not here, never will be. Everything I look at is like a family picture except Daniel is not in it. I look at things and say to myself Daniel will never see this, I torment over his short life and what he didn't see or experience. I suppose I should be thankful for the years we did have him, and am, but so much is ruined. I hope I don't cause anyone here more pain I'm just venting, I hope I haven't said things that are hurtful, but how stupid is that anything said that causes a reflection of reality is probably going to cause pain, so very sorry, it has to get better. Past two weeks I've suffered from shoulder injury i caused when i got upset and strained muscle in my back/shoulder. Hurts like hell at times, hard to sleep for very long without waking to severe pain. Almost a blessing tho it distracts me at times, breaks my thoughts, at least I can know it will get better, it will heal, I've done it before, its just a muscle, Hows my arm? getting better. F**K!!!

nothing you can say can make any of us feel worse don't worry. we are all way to intimate with our broken hearts, empty arms and the trauma we have been through. my son forest died july 3rd, 2011. i have had so many of these same thoughts and feelings. i have only stayed alive because i have 3 other kids. really strangely i have had some kind of change come over me in the last week or so. i have been reading this book called "life after death" by deepak chopra. it takes a very open mind to read but i am starting to feel so calm, actually happy, peaceful and different than ever before in my life. i swear it is like forest has actually become part of me-like are souls are eternally entangled or something and i feel like he is actually with me, and he will never leave me. i'm not sure how to explain it. it isn't like i've moved on. i couldn't possibly move on. instead it is like we have moved forward together. i don't hear him talk or feel his presence beside me, it is more like he is part of my very breath, my life, me. instead of that horrible empty aching hole (i am not saying i don't feel sad or miss his physicality because of course i do) but i feel like in a way i am more complete. he and i are so incredibly close and now i won't ever be without him again. i began trying to be aware of my spirit that is separate from my body. i was thinking of helen keller today. her lack of sight and hearing didn't diminish her soul. she was as much if not more because of her awareness of her being as something other than her physical senses. i began to believe so much more strongly that our bodies are just a physical manifestation of spirit existing outside the notion of time and space. i realize i am rambling and you are not at this place but i swear at 6 months i thought i would just die. i absolutely didn't care about anything. i didn't even want to feel happy because i thought i would lose my connection with my son. i seem to be having some kind of epiphany. i hope you don't think i'm crazy--i just wanted to impart this experience because it has been so wonderful in a way. i love my son and would love to have him here in the flesh but since this horrible thing has happened my eyes are opened now to the possibility that there truly is no end for us. i had to work to get my mind around the concepts in this book and am trying to meditate and incorporate it into my heart. i had to do something because i was so bereaved i couldn't love or care about anyone around me. i couldn't live my life like that because i was abandoning my other children in place. anyway i am writing this to give you hope. i wish you and everyone else will find the perfect path to reach a place in you hearts that will make you feel like you are cuddled up with your children in the softest blankets of love.

[tobyfreefoot]

Trudi, The odd? Nahhh, that's what happens to people who are nasty. It eventually comes back and bites them in the butt!! Glad you had the opportunity to see it. As far as changes since her death? Some good changes within. Changes that could never have taken place otherwise. It is bittersweet and the changes will never, ever be fully valued by me because I paid too high of a price. I feel cheated and then that makes me angry. So I go back to putting one foot in front of the other, trying to keep good will in my heart at all times, and looking for the positive in life. Gone is the person who was confident and so sure life would reward her with a prize for her efforts. Gone is the person who blindly trusted with naive innocence and hope. Not sure if I want that person back..........but I would love the person back who somehow believed that there was a happy ending to the story.............just because. Perhaps the child in me is what died, perhaps I finally became an adult......I had forgotten about that. I was always accused of being childish for my fun loving antics. If I took my kids to the park you would find me ON the swings with them, or even on the monkey bars.....this behavior into my 40's. As Carson was 8 years old when she died and he would have still been being taken to the park. When my teens had crazy water gun fights etc. I was in their midst and HAD to have a water gun also to participate. The list goes on, you get the picture. That is the person who died. The person who was silly, and fun. The person who snuck with her kids and helped them put shaving cream all over their dad's face while he slept. The light hearted person who was full of silly antics, loved to hang out in the middle of the kids, was ready to throw yet another party at a moment's notice and had never truly grown up...........no, refused to grow up. Refused to take a hardened, cynical view of life and cease having fun. Well, the parties over. I guess that person was a nice chum for the time being. But I doubt she will ever make her appearance again, not in this life. I think that is the person my children miss most. They remember their fun loving mom, and she died with their sister.Thanks for listening. Until I just wrote that, I truly had completely forgotten that person.Thanks for listening,Maddy

oh maddy that is me to a t. i still hang out with people 20-35 years younger than me. but now they are my comfort. i was hoping my old fun self might one day return. i can feel happy and have some fun but i fear my silliness and lust for life may be gone. i'm not giving up yet but ii am pretty sure i will never be as happy as when all my children were alive. forest never wanted to grow up. we called his younger siblings the kids but he was leader of the pack. so wildly fun and spontaneous and i got to live my teen years over and over with him.

[tobyfreefoot]

Hi Indigo's, here and well. Thinking of you all and reading some days. I needed a break from many things, regular day to day life in general.. My birthday was yesterday and I took a few steps back. Another year for me. Stuff just creeps into my mind, the thought process changes,the mood changes and I take a turn again and back, to step forward in another direction. Shake off the bad so to speak. I decided that I wouldn't be mad at Bruce Springsteen anymore. Last time his tickets went on sale the 99%'s,or many, were locked out of ticketmaster by resalers scalpers etc. I caved and bought tickets to his September show. You don't know what your missing Greg

Dee, he added a 3rd Chicago show.

Words to a song on his new CD. Made me think of us all. A youtube link too.

Rise up shepherd, rise up

Your flock has roamed far from the hills

Stars have faded, the sky is still

Sun's in the heavens and a new day's rising

You use your muscle and your mind and you pray your best

That your best is good enough, the Lord will do the rest

You raise your children and you teach 'them to walk straight and sure

You pray that hard times, hard times, come no more

You try to sleep, you toss and turn, the bottom's dropping out

Where you once had faith now there's only doubt

You pray for guidance, only silence now meets your prayers

The morning breaks, you awake but no one's there

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

There's a new day coming

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

(I'm a soldier! )

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

There's a new day coming

http://youtu.be/kYUYnoWqct0

Happy Birthday Jared !!

i heard this today. i really liked it. funny one time when i saw him years ago he refused to do the tour until the promoters brought the tickets back down (in the good old days when the tickets were $10)

[tobyfreefoot]

forest's best friend susan posted this today on the facebook page we set up called "may the forest be with you":

I called Forest at 1:15am in January and said, "haaalp!!! I'm leaving for Costa Rica at 8 in the morning and I just found out that my rental car will be a stick shift."

He then very patiently taught me how to drive a manual in the middle of the night over on Crestland Drive in the cold, and was actually pleased that I wanted to learn, for functionality's sake. I was really scared of grinding the gears and screwing up the transmission and he was like, "eh, this is the perfect car for that. At least it can serve a bit more purpose on it's way out. You need to learn this by now."

He was always incredibly encouraging and the best coach ever.

[Maddy6]

Yesterday I went with friends to the city gardens where our family last took a family picture together almost a year before Rachael died. The icon picture of Rachael was taken then. She had spontaneously bent to smell a rose and the photographer snapped the picture. The wind blew her hair at the same moment giving the picture an amazingly angelic and peaceful appearance. Little did I know it was a precursor. As we entered the particular garden where the pictures were taken I relayed this to my friends. Of course I knew they would not understand the inner pain and turmoil I felt. I went to several of the locations where we took a family picture with the photographer and let memories return. Thing was,it was so lonely as my friends were oblivious to my pain. Their demeanor was simply one of....oh, that's nice. How could they remotely understand the depth of the pain and sadness I felt? The memory even, of who I once was. I searched for that particular rose bush and could not locate it. I realize now as I write where it was. Perhaps I will return and smell the blossoms where her spirit once savored the life of a budding rose upon its branches. Kate, I was not saying I was a chump. I was calling myself a "chum," as in being a good friend, or pal. Sorry if my writing was confusing. But I appreciate your care and concern when you thought I was putting myself down. You are a source of inspiration to me.Gretchen, I enjoyed reading your posts and yes, you said the correct word. Spontaneity. That is what I once was full of that I have lost. I thrived on it actually. I have no idea how to recapture that person. The journey I have been on has lost her. In the beginning, some of that was still there actually, because it was part of me. But as the journey has continued I have lost it. I do so enjoy all of your posts and enjoy your personality so much. You do actually remind me of myself at times.Betsy, Thank you for the lyrics and the link to the song. The words spoke to me.Carol, you are in my prayers for the 7th and we are with you.LOVE, MADDY

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Oh, Maddy! ((HUGS))!! I am so sorry. I have experienced this same type of thing, and it does seem that nobody realizes the extent of our pain, and the triggers that are all around us. Sometimes even my husband will say something like "what's wrong" when I have just done a deep sigh. I look at him like "really"?? I dunno, I know they feel it too, but I don't think anyone feels it more than a mother. I hope you do go back and find that bush and relive that memory of Rachael there. Sounds beautiful.

It's cloudy here today, and my spirits are a bit cloudy too. We were so elated after the birthday celebration for Jared, but today I just feel sad. I woke up with the image of him on that stretcher in the hospital. and then thoughts of how if he had been a foot further towards the side of the road, maybe he would just be hurt and not dead. I miss him so much!

Yesterday I went with friends to the city gardens where our family last took a family picture together almost a year before Rachael died. The icon picture of Rachael was taken then. She had spontaneously bent to smell a rose and the photographer snapped the picture. The wind blew her hair at the same moment giving the picture an amazingly angelic and peaceful appearance. Little did I know it was a precursor. As we entered the particular garden where the pictures were taken I relayed this to my friends. Of course I knew they would not understand the inner pain and turmoil I felt. I went to several of the locations where we took a family picture with the photographer and let memories return. Thing was,it was so lonely as my friends were oblivious to my pain. Their demeanor was simply one of....oh, that's nice. How could they remotely understand the depth of the pain and sadness I felt? The memory even, of who I once was. I searched for that particular rose bush and could not locate it. I realize now as I write where it was. Perhaps I will return and smell the blossoms where her spirit once savored the life of a budding rose upon its branches. LOVE, MADDY

[westleysmom]

Betsy-Happy birthday, just a little late! Loved the song, thanks for that. I know what you're talking about, my birthday is next month and I've felt very inside my thoughts if that makes any sense. I realized just last night, that this will be my 3rd birthday since Westley was here, and it took my breath. How did that happen? What the hell? I wonder sometimes if I will every truly be happy again, and I'm afraid of the answer to that question. Where do I go from here is another that I change the answer to almost daily. Good to see you, though I understand the need for time away.

Maddy-I know what you mean about others just not understanding how the sadness can sometimes backhand you with no warning. It leaves your face hot and stinging and your balance off and your eyes leaking tears, if not flooding them. I know they can't know what we are going through, but it is hard sometimes not to hate them for their innocence, that we would give anything to own for ourselves again.

Becky-I loved your little poem about the lack of understanding. The big days, angelversaries and birthdays and holidays, for me have been very different every time. One time, the dread of the day is worse than the day itself, another time, the day sneaks up on me and is horrible, but then its over, and sometimes, I'm fine until its over and I realize it came and went and NOTHING CHANGED, and then I fall apart. He didn't come back miraculously, I didn't wake up from the nightmare, it was just another day in a long line of many that I must get through without him.

Carol-I hope you get some rest and that Mike is ready when the 7th comes. Enjoy your time with Kim and the whole family as much as you can and take care of yourself.

Gretchen-Your Forest sounds like the kind of son any mother would have been proud of, what a good friend to help out in the middle of the night with a stick shift lesson! I love the name of your facebook page, although I've never been to facebook. May the Forest be with you always.

Lily's Mommy-So glad you are okay and that your Lily whispered in your ear to buckle up. Take care of yourself, is BF okay? I can't remember if you said and can't see back that far.

Daniel's Dad-So sorry that you are having such a hard time. My husband is a carpenter and Westley worked for him. I don't know sometimes how he's doing, he doesn't like to talk about his feelings much, and I try not to torment him with my guilt and sadness any more than I have to. Take care of that shoulder, if you're like my husband, you work too hard! It is hard not to when so many people need something from you and don't mind saying so. But coming here where everyone understands your pain and grief helped me and I hope it will help you too. 6 months is about the time that I found this place and it saved me. I found out I wasn't going crazy, that my feelings were "normal" and most importantly, that even though it seemed impossible, that it would get more bearable with time. Not without a lot of tears and bad days and sleepless nights, but it does happen. My heart to you as you find your way.

Trudi-I'm not surprised at all that those jerks are out of a job. I wasn't here, didn't realize the lengths to which your employers had gone to discredit you. I'm so sorry for the pain that they added to your already full plate of it.

Dee-Hope you are making it through the last bit of school, when are you out? I think its just about a month until graduation here.

I think of you all every day and hope that you find something that brings a smile in each one.

[Jeff's Mom]

Rhonda...how nicely worded your post is. Kind and encouraging words to all. It really is a day to day battle with this heartache. Bits of happiness shining through here and there. But the realization our life is forever altered. I personally am dreading Mother's Day. It is not long off and it is next to Christmas the hardest day to get through. I saved an attached card on Jeff's last Mother's Day attached to lovely long stem red roses. I'm not sure why I kept that card. As he had also bought a hallmark card as well. Yet the small card attached was so beautifully worded by him. I have had to wrap it in plastic as the ink is starting to fade. That part bothers me as it is an indication of time marching along. It gives me great comfort when I look at it. And to all teachers out there(DEE) as well...the efforts that your students make to prepare home made cards, and little gifts are lifelong treasures to their parents. I have saved every single thing my boys have made for me. And now and again when I have a touch of melancholy I will bring them out and read them. It truly warms the heart and fills my soul with beautiful memories of times past.

Belated Birthday Wishes to all! Betsy, Gretchen, and anyone else that I may have forgotten. Wishing you a peaceful year of healing and beautiful memories of your lovely children.

Carol...definitely thoughts and prayers and best of wishes sent to you... and to Ralph for a successful surgery. Extremely pleased that you daughter will be there to give both of you support. Rest assured that all of us here will be with you in spirit on the 7th. and sending good vibes.

Betsy...happy that will will be able to take in a Springsteen concert. Should be a good one. Yes, the lyrics to that song made me stop and wonder if he had read this site when writing it. It certainly could have been written for all of us here.

Maddy, typical me. I did not have my glasses on. Still, you know what I meant.

Gretchen...your son Forest sounds like he was a terrific friend to have! What a great thing he did in helping out with his friend!

Becky...sorry today is not a good one for you. So frequently it happens that way. Take care.

Daniels Dad...it truly does take time and patience to slowly find your way again. It is a really hard process to try to know how to respond to people around us. I think you are handling it really well! I hate to say the old one day at a time over again, but it is so very true.

Lily's Mom...Thank heaven, you came out of that mishap safely. Somebody was definitely looking out for you. Stay safe and drive carefully.

Trudi...I need more of your lovely pics. I;m going through withdrawel of gardening scenes and lovely trees in flower. Hope you are feeling a bit better today. Any pics of the grandies at the memorial service?

Well, that's about it for today. Thinking of you Susan and hoping you are keeping well. Linda...hope you are sailing along smiling with a cool drink to sip on...Enjoy.

Kate

[robyn]

Yesterday I went with friends to the city gardens where our family last took a family picture together almost a year before Rachael died. The icon picture of Rachael was taken then. She had spontaneously bent to smell a rose and the photographer snapped the picture. The wind blew her hair at the same moment giving the picture an amazingly angelic and peaceful appearance. Little did I know it was a precursor. As we entered the particular garden where the pictures were taken I relayed this to my friends. Of course I knew they would not understand the inner pain and turmoil I felt. I went to several of the locations where we took a family picture with the photographer and let memories return. Thing was,it was so lonely as my friends were oblivious to my pain. Their demeanor was simply one of....oh, that's nice. How could they remotely understand the depth of the pain and sadness I felt? The memory even, of who I once was. I searched for that particular rose bush and could not locate it. I realize now as I write where it was. Perhaps I will return and smell the blossoms where her spirit once savored the life of a budding rose upon its branches. Kate, I was not saying I was a chump. I was calling myself a "chum," as in being a good friend, or pal. Sorry if my writing was confusing. But I appreciate your care and concern when you thought I was putting myself down. You are a source of inspiration to me.Gretchen, I enjoyed reading your posts and yes, you said the correct word. Spontaneity. That is what I once was full of that I have lost. I thrived on it actually. I have no idea how to recapture that person. The journey I have been on has lost her. In the beginning, some of that was still there actually, because it was part of me. But as the journey has continued I have lost it. I do so enjoy all of your posts and enjoy your personality so much. You do actually remind me of myself at times.Betsy, Thank you for the lyrics and the link to the song. The words spoke to me.Carol, you are in my prayers for the 7th and we are with you.LOVE, MADDY

Dear Maddy,

I'm so sorry for the hurt. Some things are just triggers that set off a flood of memories- some are big things and some are just small. When I had my surgery this last time I couldn't help but remember that with my other surgeries last year how Chrissy was always there when I woke up. It had me on my feet and demanding to leave within an hour of waking up. I just couldn't stay. But once I got home and started praying and talking to Chrissy, I realized she WAS ther, the whole time- just like always. They never leave, Maddy.

Much love,

Robyn

[daveydow1]

Betsy----Thanks for the poem. Good to see your post, friend.

Becky-----Oh yes!!!.....That is certainly a green heart, and from your dear son, Jared.

Thanks for the pic of the Adopt a Highway sign with Jared's name. such a nice &

helpful way to honor your dear son.

Amy------Good to see your posts. Also, sorry that you had the flu, but glad that

you are over it.

Danielsdad-----You never need to apologize for telling us here at BI about the pain and

sorrow you are having. You mentioned people asking you how you are doing, and that

you respond with "OK". This is what is good about this site.........we don't have to

say we are just "OK". Everyone can tell how they REALLY are feeling......what kind of

a day we are having. We can be honest about our feelings here, and everyone understands.

There wouldn't be much sense in having a site like this unless we were able to express

how we truly feel in our grief process.

Maddy-----Racheal's avatar pic with the rose, shows just how beautiful and spiritual she is.

Seansmom......Nice to see your posts.

Gretchen-----How dear....that Forest was teaching you to drive the stick shift car. Many times

it's the parent teaching the child to drive one, but in your case.......your sweet son did the

teaching. I'm sure that's a bittersweet memory for you. Peace & comfort.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[robyn]

Hi Indigo's, here and well. Thinking of you all and reading some days. I needed a break from many things, regular day to day life in general.. My birthday was yesterday and I took a few steps back. Another year for me. Stuff just creeps into my mind, the thought process changes,the mood changes and I take a turn again and back, to step forward in another direction. Shake off the bad so to speak. I decided that I wouldn't be mad at Bruce Springsteen anymore. Last time his tickets went on sale the 99%'s,or many, were locked out of ticketmaster by resalers scalpers etc. I caved and bought tickets to his September show. You don't know what your missing Greg

Dee, he added a 3rd Chicago show.

Words to a song on his new CD. Made me think of us all. A youtube link too.

Rise up shepherd, rise up

Your flock has roamed far from the hills

Stars have faded, the sky is still

Sun's in the heavens and a new day's rising

You use your muscle and your mind and you pray your best

That your best is good enough, the Lord will do the rest

You raise your children and you teach 'them to walk straight and sure

You pray that hard times, hard times, come no more

You try to sleep, you toss and turn, the bottom's dropping out

Where you once had faith now there's only doubt

You pray for guidance, only silence now meets your prayers

The morning breaks, you awake but no one's there

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

There's a new day coming

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

(I'm a soldier! )

We've been traveling over rocky ground, rocky ground

There's a new day coming

Happy Birthday Jared !!

Betsy,

I can't say that I am a Springsteen fan, but I really like this song! Thank you!

Robyn

[robyn]

Today i went with my bf from houston to laredo on his semi..we flipped over and skid about 100 yards..i was asleep in the sleeper and woke up when we flipped..i never wear my seatbelt in the back..but i woke up a little after i fell asleep and just put it on so i could snap in Lilys bear i take with me everywhere..she saved my life..as i hung onto the net..i saw everythin breakin under me and shattin and flyin out the windows..she saved my life..we're ok..my chest is a little swollen and i have bumps and bruises everywhere but we're fine..thank you Lily..even though i would do anythin to see you today i guess its jus not my time yet..

I'm so glad you are ok! It must have been frightening! It's a good thing Lily's bear was holding onto you!

Robyn

[JD's Mom, Becky]

You know I just couldn't leave those Adopt-A-Highway signs out there with just Jared's name on them.... today I put up the two extra signs with his picture that I ordered when I ordered the ones for his memorial sign next to where he died. I think these signs look much better now! Holes didn't line up right, so had to drill one new one on each sign, and managed to cut my finger and bleed all over the drill..... but they're up!!

Lilly's momma, I am so glad you are ok. Your little angel was certainly watching over you!

[mikesmomrs]

Mike and I have been married today for 48 years....48 years and six weeks ago we met, fell in love and married six weeks later. Sharing the joy with you all, this is what I put on my facebook this morning (with just a little editing here):

To my sweetie...still sending you "all my lovin'," and 48 years has only increased the attraction. The Beatles sang our tunes, and we went along for the ride; the Beatles are no longer together...but just like their beautiful music, we have withstood the test of time and are still playing. The years have passed so quickly; why didn't they tell us? I have loved every moment, even the tough ones--they brought us closer and taught us the ride is not always downhill, and the joyous ones gave us reason to believe again. I loved you so much then, even more now, and will always love you, forever. "PS: I Love You."

(Mike was stationed at the Air Force base, 150 miles from where I lived and we only saw each other on the weekends during those six weeks.. letters and phone calls kept us going during the week....this was our song...