Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I have tears of joy and bittersweet love for the loss and the confirmation that someone is noticing, someone sees that he was here, he does exist, he did do the work, he is FOREST. Such a lift to your soul. Go Forest!

Kate, perfect time to post such a message, with so many new to this walk. Thanks for even an old timer like me, needs to be reminded sometimes.

Peace out,

dee

[BrendaDup59]

LOOK!! I got this phone call a moment ago!!

my son logan who graduated in december when forest was 'spose to graduate will be able

to go through the spring convocation also so he will still get to graduate with his brother!!!

That is really wonderful!!

[Sholl1955]

Well, Sarah died on March 14th and we buried her on the 19th. I returned to work on the 21st. Today my boss asked me that now that this is all over and behind me am I feeling better and feel like I am back on track?????? I wanted to tell her that no, I am not on track and it is not behind me and that every day is much more painful than the last. However, she has not lost a child and wouldn't understand. I think it is going to take me longer than this before anything feels like it is back on track.

[mrsduc]

I am so sorry that your boss said that to you. Alot of people say things when they don't understand. It is not the samething as loosing someone else when you loose a child. I am proud of you that you are able to even work. I have a hard time even getting out of bed most of the time. I cried and cried all the time the first two months. I can't cry right now because of a medical problem and it causes too much pain to cry. But some people just say the wrong thing to us people that are on this new path that we did not ask to be on which is called the survival of loosing a child journey. Our lives are changed forever and we will never be the same. And no it is not something that you just get over and it is behind you. And if it is then I would say that that person did not really love that child. But I know you loved your Sarah. I am so sorry for your loss and I do promise you that I know what you feel and what you are going thru and I am so sorry that you are on this road that so many of us are on now for the rest of our lives. I call us the choosen ones. And I do not know if that is good or what but for whatever reason we are the ones that were choosen to loose a child either by illness or accident or suicide. We all have lost a child here and it hurts so deep that sometimes it makes it hard to breath but everyone wants us to put on a happy face and we have to pretend with the outside world that everything is alright. Well here you do not have to pretend and when you are not at work you do not have to pretend. You grieve. You are intitle to that and take as long as you want. And remember what someone told me here when I came just two months ago everyone here cares they really do. I will pray for you and hope you will keep coming back. Just take care of yourself. You are in a very weak state right now.

Well, Sarah died on March 14th and we buried her on the 19th. I returned to work on the 21st. Today my boss asked me that now that this is all over and behind me am I feeling better and feel like I am back on track?????? I wanted to tell her that no, I am not on track and it is not behind me and that every day is much more painful than the last. However, she has not lost a child and wouldn't understand. I think it is going to take me longer than this before anything feels like it is back on track.

[Maddy6]

Sandra,I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Sarah. You have returned to work very quickly and I admire your strength. I wanted to comment also that what your boss said was heartless and cruel. It does not take a rocket scientist to understand that the loss of a child is extremely tragic and painful. I am so sorry for that comment and how painful it must have been. We know the raw pain you feel and we hurt with you. We have an imaginary book on here where people say they are adding the "dumb things people say" to it. I would say the comment by your boss should go in there. And yes, Sandra, you are going to hurt for a while, and we are here to support you. We care and we know your pain. The beginning is a fog. Continue to take care of yourself and when you need to talk you may come here. We all understand. You may come here and cry, rant, talk, share. We are here for you and we all have been where you are. It is still very early for you in this walk and you need to rest and eat properly as you are still in a state of shock at this point. I have learned much from those on this site who are further on this road than me and it has helped me immensely. We are all here for you and we care.LOVE, MADDY

[Maddy6]

Linda,I am amazed and so very proud of you. Dee once told us that reaching out and helping others was an important part of the healing process. I have tried to heed that advice and found that as I helped others it improved my healing just as she said. I am still so glad that you are on this thread now also. Anyway, I just wanted to say that because you may not realize it, but I can see your continued healing and it makes my heart sing. Anyway, my boys are cooking for us a midnight snack of eggs and bacon so I must run. I am praying for your surgery/procedure(?) on Friday. Please keep us updated. And try to stay comfortable until then.Love, MADDY

[hoosiermom]

Hello dear Indigos.....

Sarah's mom--I just cannot imagine what makes people say the things they do. I am so sorry for your loss and the insensitivity of your boss. You "get over" the flu or a cold....NOT the loss of your precious child. I noticed you are in Ft Wayne and just wanted to let you know that I am a Hoosier as well--I live near Marion, which is halfway between Indy and Ft Wayne.

Gretchen--love the notice you received for your son's graduation. He will be there for sure! My Brianna would have "graduated" this year (she was special needs and in the Life Skills class at high school) I doubt if the school remembers her but it's okay. We will celebrate in our own way

Maddy--reading your posts is like watching a flower bloom So glad that you are doing better and finding some happiness again, you deserve it!

Becky--Your precious JD shares the same birthday as my oldest daughter, she will be 24. Love his monument, it's beautiful. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Susan--thinking of you and Ragan...how goes the plans for Shannon's monument?

Dee--I'm sorry I missed posting a Happy Birthday for Erica but I was thinking of you both on that day....my baby girl turned 16 on the same day. Funny how our so many of our kids share the same birthdays...just makes me believe even more that they lead us here

Kate, Colleen, Rhonda, Trudi, Sherry, Sean's mom (drawing a blank on your name--so sorry!) Betsy, Lorri (Kourtney's momma), Carol, Polly, Diane, Kathy and anyone else I may have forgotten...sending you love.

I see new faces here and I am so sorry for your losses. We certainly never want new members but we welcome you with open hearts. I found this place a year after I lost my 15 year old Brianna. She was a special needs child and died from sepsis caused by an infection. Your child will be loved and remembered and celebrated here, and we never tire of hearing all about them. The first year after my loss is a fog to me, a lost year, I cannot remember much and don't really care to. But I can assure you that the all-consuming, gut wrenching grief and pain does ease after some time. I will not tell you it goes away because personally I will grieve my daughter until my last breath. We grieve them so much because we love them so deeply. No shame in that.

I have some exciting news....I'm gonna be a grandma! My first grandbaby, I am just over the moon! My oldest daughter is due November 13. She was 21 when her sister died, and then 7 months later her 18 yr old stepbrother was killed in an accident, so for me, her dad and stepmom, the promise of a new life in the family is like a ray of sunshine thru the darkness.

To all Indigos...may you always feel your angel near you.

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Hi to all! I am sorry I have missed so many posts, but am starting to feel a bit better. My neck still hurts, but not as much as it did over last weekend. Now hubby is home from work with stomach virus. I am trying to steer clear!

I came on last night to try to read and get caught up, and was so sorry to see new folks here that share what we all have in common. I am so sorry for your losses. I hope that you find this list a great source of enlightenment and comfort. I know I have.

Gretchen, how wonderful about the graduation for your Forest. That is so precious!

I still wake everyday with thoughts of the experience of losing my Jared (JD). I still wonder at all the things that led to his being there at that moment in time that allowed this to happen, and the miniscule differences that could have prevented it. I don't understand, don't pretend to understand why this happened to my precious baby.

We added Jared's picture to the sign we put up right where he died.

The JDW2 is because my daughter, Jasmine Dara, and Jared, Jared Daniel, both shared the same initials, JDW. We also referred to them as JDW1 and JDW2, or "thing 1" and "thing 2".

[westleysmom]

Jenn-Congrats on your news about the new grandbaby coming soon. That is so exciting. I have two grandies now and they are a reason to keep breathing when I need one. That first year is kind of a lost year, which may not be a bad thing, since it was so painful. I am trying to adjust to the permanence of my loss of Westley. It has been very hard lately. There are 5 people in my office, four of us had kids who were almost the same age. One of them is now graduating from college and trying to get into medical school, the other two are almost out of college and both of them have gotten engaged in the last few months. I feel the pain so deeply for what Westley missed in life, while at the same time trying to keep the happy congratulations face on for them. I am so happy for them and their kids, but it hurts so bad to know that those milestones will never be a reality for Westley.

Gretchen-That is wonderful news that Forest will be honored at the convocation.

Sarah's Mom-Some people are idiots. That's all I have to say about your boss. I'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of person.

Kate-Thanks for the list. I still have not touched Westley's room and hardly anything else in my house where I think I will find things that will bring on the tears. I just can't do it. Good luck with the MIL's things.

Carol-Hope you and Mike are feeling better soon.

Dee-I hope that things go well for Matt as he begins treatment. I have been sleeping poorly lately and have a check-up today and will talk to my dr about it. It does wear me out when I wake up several times a night, it feels like I didn't sleep at all. I've been having hot flashes, but my older sister had early breast cancer 10 years ago, and she was told not to use hormones or soy products because of the nature of the cancer, so I haven't tried any of the OTC remedies, because I was afraid to. But I'm going to have to do something. I have to go to bed really early to get enough sleep in with all the waking up.

Robert's Mom-I hope your surgery gives you relief from the pain and you feel better soon.

Kathy, Susan, Leah, Trudi, Betty, Betsy, Maddy, Diane, Colleen, Greg all here are in my heart every day as we try to find our way through

[westleysmom]

Becky-We posted almost the same time. I hope the picture of your beautiful JD does slow them down. I do the same thing, or used to, I guess I got tired of thinking how things could have been a little bit different that last day that Westley was here, where he would not have died at the end of the day. I still do it sometimes, but recognize now that it doesn't change that it did happen, and that makes me so sad. Nothing I can do will bring him back and that is the burden that we all bear. We had that stomach bug a few weeks ago, I hope you miss it. Hope your neck is better soon.

[mrsduc]

I did not sleep at all last night. I was thinking of Robert and my surgery. And sometimes my mind just won't shut off so that I can sleep even with the meds that the doctors have given me. So I went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen then sweeped and mopped all the first floor and then did 2 loads of laundry and rode my excersize bike 2 miles and by then it was close to 6 so I went to the grocery store so that my husband would have simple stuff to eat and got my dad who my husband takes care of his stuff. And when I got home my husband was heading over to my dad's and then going to his pain management doctor for his pain from his almost deadly accident last year and I could not sleep worrying about the outcome of that because his doctor is not listening to my husband and my husband has been in so much pain he is throwing up because this stupid doctor has him pegged I believe because he has tattoes all over his arm and back as a biker (especially since his accident was on a motorcycle trike when a deer jumped out at him on Valentine's Day) and he thinks he is a drug seeker. But my husband is not and never has been. So I called my cousin and his wife who are very religious and ask them to do heavy prayers about it this morning and it worked. His doctor was not there and he saw one of the associates and the doctor told him from looking at his complete chart and the accident report and the surgeons notes from the shock trama center that his injuries are very serious and will be for the rest of his life. He has permanent nerve damage and so this doctor gave him his regular medicine that the other doctor gave him but also gave him this time release pain medicine so that hopefully that will help him. Unfortunately it won't be in until Monday or Tuesday but my husband came home and once the medication started to work because he had been out of meds for 2 days because his pain doctor never gives him enough meds to last until he sees him again. Like he sees him in a month which is 30 days he will only give him a 28 day supply of meds. Which is if you ask me stupid and cruel. But his pain doctor said to my husband that I am already giving you more meds then any of my other patients. But he keeps trying to push this surgery to have this stimulator put in his back. I just am not sure about that. My neighbor said she had it and it worked for awhile and then stopped and then you have to go back in and have it removed. Just not sure about this. But I have said what I thought and will stand by my husband on his what he decides he wants to do. But I am so glad that he is finally able to rest. I just rested for about 2 hours and that was it. I will be up and hopefully tonight I will be able to sleep. I have to be at the hospital at noon and surgery is at 2. I am alittle worried because of it being so close to the eye but I have been told by other doctors offices that this doctor is the best in the field of surgeons doing eye duct surgery. SO that is good. Plus she has a great bed side manner and that means alot to me. And even though I will not be on could you all please do me a favor and talk to Robert for me and tell him if he can't come to me to look down upon me while I am in surgery and while I am sleeping at home and give me a silent kiss and maybe if he can let me know he is ok. I would love to hear from him if it were possible to ease my mind. Anyway I will be thinking of all of you and will be back on when I can probably in a few days. Thanks,

[BrendaDup59]

Well this has been a really bad day, all I have done is cry, I had to put Brian's pictures up , every time I look at them I just feel sick , I just keep saying to myself that I cant believe this has happen , you hear about it happening to other people but you just never think it's going to happen to you, I miss him so much it hurts and I know all of you have felt this, I have prayed so hard for God to help me . I have become snappy at everybody, i just don't care about anything any more, I cant close my eyes without seeing Brian, things he said to me , or I will see him every where I look , I go to the microwave and stop , he helped put it up for me, I see him at my front door , or walking up the sidewalk, I can hardly look at my spiral shrubs he was the last one to shape them up and he was going to redo them again for me this spring, this is the most horrible gut wrenching thing I have ever been through, I just want my son! I just don't know how to do this. I am not any good to anyone right now . Brenda

[mikesmum]

Becky ~ I so love that sign..not just for its reinforcement of the message. Its what I call 'honouring our children'. Its so that others who might otherwise 'roll' down that road without checking speed now have a prompt. Brilliant.

To all I read every day, part of my 'new normal'. Its hard on this journey, life and lives keep moving while at times it feels that while I'm moving, its at a glacial pace.

The dumbass things people say I believe come from ignorance of the highest order. Their perception is skewed by their lack of experience. They suffer a blurred tunnel vision, while those who have lost have a different perspective, harsh, cold realities we never imagined bathed in flood lighting.

I realised this after reliving my first day back at work. My manager (who was there on the day) approached me in the first hour of my return. I was dispatching at the time. She had "a mountain of paperwork". She needed me to sign off on my leave applications. It was made up of bereavement, carer's, sick and leave no pay. They had been kind enough not to deduct the hours between 10.50am and 6pm on that day. That was the time I was with Mike, then with my children telling them he'd gone. She smiled when she told me that as if it was a gift, them to me, 7hrs 10mins free time....Sheesh

Gretchen ~ How you must feel receiving that call. To have your boys graduating together I think is a sign Forest is still around.

Kate ~ Beyond Surviving...I guess that's how we came to be here. Looking for ways of understanding and failing that surviving this journey. Thank you. No matter how long its been I still need to remember ways of 'surviving'.

Yesterday I had a grandma grand-daughter day in Melbourne with Emily and Jeya. The weather was amazing as was time spent with these two very different girls.

We 'lunched' and then wandered. We took the 'City Sightseeing Tram'. Em is into photography so my new camera got a work out.

Today, after being 'present in the moment' I am one tired Grandma

So here are my grandgirls ~ the reason I take that next breath, next step and why my heart will beat though broken....Micheal would dote on these two, his Harmony part of the trio of beauty.

The day begins

In the fountain

On the tram

Hosier Lane ~ Freelance Graffiti Artwork

Time flies, in other ways I never seem to move entirely with it.

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

so busy this week that I hardly have time to write, and so I read but often later on at bed time and I have no energy to post. I do however read your posts and am so proud of the steps so many of you new to this are taking when you pull someone up and support them. It is the circle we make here, a circle of support and healing. Never do we get past the loss of our Babies, but we take it in and we add it to the fabric of our souls, and we live, we live in their light.

Love all the photos, the girls Trudi, are magnificent, so grown now that Em. Beautiful. Like their Grammy.

I love the new sign in JD's honor, I so agree with Trudi, it is brilliant. (She says it with a really cool accent however).

Love to all, going to relax a bit before bed, which needs to come early tonight as this old girl has had a busy day with third graders.

talk more tomorrow,

dee

[Jilly's mom]

Our family went on our first vacation all together without Jilly last week. I was missing her one afternoon, up in the mountains. I had my camera with me, thank God, because right about the time I was telling her how much I wished she were with us, I looked up and there was a perfect J (for Jillian) in the sky. It only lasted a few seconds, but the timing was incredible. Just wanted to share it. Going away was a nice break. Coming home, the grief hits you in the face with a knockout punch! I am so glad for this site. When my family can't/doesn't want to listen to me say her name, I can come on here and all the other parents understand why I feel the need to say her name at least once a day. No, it won't bring her back, but she won't be forgotten either!

Louise

[ericasmom]

Louise, Jilly was right there holding your heart just as you hold hers. She showed you she was there, how wonderful. Yes, you should be able to say her name at least once per day to someone, if not just to her out loud, that is the name that was given to a person you love forever, she is real you did not make her up. WE say the names of our Angels because those names are music. JILLY JILLY JILLY

Jenn, happy birthday then to your Girl!

[Maddy6]

Linda,I will be thinking of you and praying for you for your surgery tomorrow at 2pm. I know everything is going to be fine and yes, I will ask Robert to watch over you and send you a kiss, to comfort you and send you assurance that he is okay. We are all here for you and we care and are concerned for your comfort and healing. Robert will be with you and you will sense his love surrounding you. He has never left you, his sweet spirit will be with you. Love never dies.....his love is with you now. Thinking of you and praying for you,Love,MADDY

[Sholl1955]

Each day this pain gets worse. And watching the rest of my family grieving is also so hard, especially my grandbabies as they miss and cry for their mama.. At 5 and 3 they are grieving, and it breaks my heart. We are getting them involved in a grief support program for children, and they began seeing a child psychologist when their mama was fighting the cancer, but oh how hard it is to see their pain.

[mrsduc]

In the last hour or alittle more the over whelming loss and pain has come back and it is taking everything I can do not to cry because of the pain in my eye. But it just came on me all of a sudden and I was just surfing the net doing nothing special. I just all of a sudden realize he is not coming back and I am mad and hurt and now the tears are coming. I just don't think it is fair that some kids are born and for whatever reason they are constantly in pain in their mind and then they kill themselves. Then what was the purpose for them to be born in the first place to be in such pain. Robert had a very painful childhood and I had no way to protect him from any of it. It is a wonder that because of my life even before Robert, that Robert and I had not become something like a murder or anything evil, but we both are very good people. We both always would say we wear are heart on our sleeves and alot of time that can get you in trouble. And like me Robert and I could not hide our feelings because everyone could read it in our face. Guess neither of us could play poker. Lol. He was so special and I miss him so much. I think of the times that I turned my cell phone off so he couldn't call me because he stopped really talking to his friends and he was using me as his therapist and I sometimes needed to recharge my brain. And I was trying to help him undo what was done to him all his life. But it just was too big for him. The only reason that family did not destroy me was I have been having to survive since I was 3 when my birth family dropped me off at a junk yard and left me with a elderly couple who apparently loved me and some noisy neighbor called social workers and I was taken from their and put in a foster home that beat me and would not let me go to school when i was 5 and did some mean things to me. But I survived for whatever reason. Strengh, guts, the Lord and Angels helping. But I had to learn along time ago to fight for me all my life it was in me. But Robert was born into that family that kills your soul and you are just a controled robot that is brainwashed and constantly put down if you did not do what the grandparents said and your father calls you a faggot because you told him that he was gay. His father disowned him three times since he was 16teen but even before that his father did not come around he told me when he was living at the grandparents house very much and when he did he really did not interact with him or his brothers. His father had moved on Robert said to his second family and his two kids. I just do not understand the purpose of why Robert was born just so he could live this kind of life and die when he did. ANd I believe that God decides when we are going to be born and when we are in the womb he knows our whole life and knows when and how we are going to die. So please can someone tell me why Robert was put on this earth or other children are put on this earth to either have to die from cancer or suicide. I just do not understand that kind of God that can do that to our children. Why bring them into the world to have this kind of pain and then when they leave have the ones left behind in so much pain and changed forever. I don't understand anymore this kind of God. Please someone help me know why my son was even born. i am not saying I am sorry he was born because I loved him so much. But if he had never been born then I would of never of known him. But also he would of never had the kind of inner and other pain in his life that made him kill himself. thanks for listening. I am just really confused about it all now.

Such an innocent child already being controled and the way that it was done was so sutle that you don't know what is happening until it is too late. I love this picture of Robert. He was 6 months old here and I was given this beautiful sweater top and bottom and he looked so cute in it.

[mrsduc]

Thank you so much for caring for me. I appreciate everyone here that has wrote back and said things to me. I know that I am not were some are in this journey that we are on. SO I just do not see how you and others can just not feel the same way that I feel today is about the same way I felt when I was told that he was dead. It is still so raw. How does it heal. I am afraid that if it heals that it would be like Robert never exsisted. And I don't want that to happen. Plus I do not at this time know how to live without him and how to stop this pain that is inside of me. Tonight is so bad and I have no idea why. thanks for thinking about me tomorrow

Linda,I will be thinking of you and praying for you for your surgery tomorrow at 2pm. I know everything is going to be fine and yes, I will ask Robert to watch over you and send you a kiss, to comfort you and send you assurance that he is okay. We are all here for you and we care and are concerned for your comfort and healing. Robert will be with you and you will sense his love surrounding you. He has never left you, his sweet spirit will be with you. Love never dies.....his love is with you now. Thinking of you and praying for you,Love,MADDY

[mikesmomrs]

Linda...my prayers go with you also for your surgery. I pray that you will soon feel relief from the eye problems that have brought you so much physical pain. I can't give you any answers to your 'why' questions, Linda. I do agree that, as you said, if Robert had not been boen, you would not have had his love, experienced giving your love to him by always being there for him...him knowing you loved him and your knowing that he loved you. My heart goes out to you, dear, as well as my prayers. the picture of Robert is so very precious...he is beautiful! Thank you for sharing.

Sarah's mom...I am so sorry that you are having to see those beautiful grandbabies grieving for thei mommy, but I am so glad they have you to love them. Their mommy is watching over them and is with them always, I am sure, but you are there in their physical world, to surround them with love on this earthly plane.

Maddy...I too am so glad to read of your endeavors and your finding some joy in your family again. Racheal is looking at you with love and pride.

Becky.. Love the new sign for JD...he is proud of you. I know that it hurts, and that sometimes you may wonder if it serves any purpose, but whatever you do will be known by your sweet JD as an effort of love in his name and honor. I am glad thatnyou are feeling a little better. Hope hubby has a brief stint with the stomach flu.

Gretchen: Oh, the news about your Forest's graduation being honored and that his brother will get to do the day with him is just awesome! I am so very happy for you! Thank you for sharing your joy! I am so sorry that your boss found it necessay to tell you that you "need to get rid of this" regarding your picture of Forest. Those here on BI longer have heard me tell of what my boss said to,me when she very 'coldly' asked me how Mike was doing, after his second brain surgery for brain cancer. (and this was the first time she had even mentioned it, even thoug we'd been dealing with his illness for overtwo monthsby this time!) When I told her that we were told he is 'terminal' she said "Well, aren't we all, really!" I had to leave work for the day so I wouldn' t punch her. Another member, I think it was Lynn, who was in the lunchroom at work one day, when one of the women (I think it was her supervisor) was talking about the problems she was having with her teenagers. She looked at Lyyn and said "You are lucky, you won't have to deal with this," referring to the fact that Lynn's daughter had died and Lynn wouldn' t have to deal with theproblems of raising a teeneager. (I apologiize Lynn, if this was not you, but I am fairly sure it was.) I rememver when I read that, I gasped out loud and my husband jumped and said "What's wrong, what's wrong?")

Susan...how are you, and how is Ragan doing?

Kate...thank you for sharing the list you found in your MIL'S suitcase. I am sorry you are having to experience so much and send good thoughts and prayers to you for strength. Thank you for your good wishes. I have been able to get some rest, thankfully.

Louise...oh, the clear, blue 'J' that your beautiful Jillian sent to you to show you that she is indeed right there with you, always, no matter where you are.

Trudi...so glad you got to spend the day in Melbourne with Em and Jeya. Thank you for sharing the pics...just beautiful. Your camera is terrific, but with such beautiful subjects, it doesn't have to work very hard. :-)

Brenda...my heart to you, as I surround you with prayers. We all know this pain you are feeling, and we all reach out you in understanding, sending you comfort in your grief. It is truly amazing what we hear from others who do not understand, though as some here have said, I think most times it is just because they truly don't know, but I think that also sometimes I think they just don't think before they speak. I am sorry your sister couldn' t be more understanding of your need to keep looking at Brian's facebook. Mike didn't have a facebook page, but I created a memorial website for him, where I posted many stories about his life, along with many, many pictures. This proved to be true therapy for me.

Jenn...my congrats on the new grandbaby, also. I am so glad for you!

Rhonda...it is so very difficult to see those who are the same age as our child, living, growing, experiencing life on this earth, and we cannot see our child achieve those milestones that are so much a part of life. We want to be happy for those around as their childeen move through what life has to offer, and yet our broken hearts find it difficult to fully immerse ourselves in their joy while suffering the loss we know as part of our every day. I was fortunate enoug to see Mike marry and finally find the happiness he had looked for for so long, but yet my heart aches to see his children move through their lives without their dad. I am so glad that you domhave the grandchildren you do have, but so very sorry that you will not realize the children of your precious Westley. My heart to you.

Dee...I am sorry that you've been working so hard and are feeling so tired, and I hope you were able to relax before bed., as well as being able to get some sleep when you got there. I am very familiar with the thoughts keeping me awake routine. Sometimes I can turn them off, but sometimes the effort just produces more thoughts! Hubby and I are feeling better. He had a couple of tough days and could not go to the gym on Wednesday, but he is better today and will be going tomorrow, though I will not, as it is opening day at Fenway and Cathi, young Mike's friend Denis, and I will be heading out about 9:30 am or so in order to get a parking space and to have some time to take in the sights and sounds that only an opening day at FENWAY can offer. Today Davis and I went down there because we thought it was Open House for the100th birthday celebration, but we had gotten the dates mixed up. We had a really good time though, and a good indicator of how far he has come since this time last year was seen in his reaction to this news. He was really quite all right with it, and chose to look for the good thi gs instead of focusing on only the negative and becoming angry about it. We instead just walked around the area, went into the Sports store where he got himself a really great hat, and even split the expense for a hat for his mom that has the "Opening Day ---100 Years" logo on the style of hat that she really likes. He is really excited about that and can't wait for her to see it. We walked around a little more, then headed out of the city, towards home, and stopped at this really good sandwich/deli place and had lunch. We talked a lot and really had a great day. The actual 100 Birthday Open House is next Thursday, the 19th, and we will attempt it again, if the weather is good. He has Thursdays off from work, so it hits at the right time.

Leah, I hope you are doing okay. Betsy, Diane, Betty, Robyn...thinking of you, and ALL, you are in my prayers every day.

[Amber37]

Adrianna has been gone 8 weeks today. I've come to hate Fridays as it always marks another week. It's seems to get worse everyday. I guess I was on auto pilot before- just doing what I had to do for my kids, my husband, my job. Now I find it hard to even get out of bed. It's harder now to slap on the fake smile and try to be " normal". How did it become April? I'm stuck in Feb! Time seemed to stop for me on Feb 17th. Where have I been these last 8 weeks? Im just existing not really living. I miss my girl so much I can't breathe. I'm so thankful to have my other 2 daughters and they miss their sister so much. I'm just having a mad day I guess. Really angry at the whole situation! I don't know how to be this person and I don't like this stupid new life that I was forced into. Ugh... thanks for letting me ramble

[vivkib]

I haven't been on for about 2 weeks and not suprising, I missed alot.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Erica and Sarah, Happy Angelvirsiry. Hope your warm lopving presents were felt by your moms.~~~~~~~Becky, your pictures always amaze me, I love them. Do you have a special program you use?~~~~~~~Just a quick comment about signs from our loved ones, I believe we get them all the time. Sometimes it just takes awhile to understand that's what they are. I was talking to my mom the other day about signs, something I never in a million years would have thought she believed in. My dad past June 2010 and maybe up to that point she didn't, but she shared some signs my dad has given her to help ease her pain. She has been such a support and source of stranght for me since my son passed.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Anyway, you are all in my thoughts and prayers. May all of us have a sign of love from our children. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I know, Amber, what you're feeling. I hate Mondays and continue to, and it's been over 6 months since Jared was killed. I have sat and wondered at myself, and how I acted and behaved in those early weeks. Everyone would comment on how strong I was, and I think that in general, that may be true of me, but in this instance, I was numb. Walking, talking, breathing, eating, bathing, but like you say, not really there. I would walk like a zombie through Walmart or the grocery store, like seeing everything around me for the first time. Amazed that people couldn't look at me and know what had happened by my look. Felt like I was wearing the Scarlet Letter, only it would have been the letter D for death, or G for grieving.

The things that have kept me motivated to get up in the morning is that I feel absolutely compelled to have Jared's truth be known, as he isn't here to speak it, and to right the wrongs I have found along the way, like with the way too fast speed limit on our road, and the non-existance of laws that would have allowed the police to act differently in this situation. At some point, I want to do something publicly to educate and inform youth as well as drivers in the hopes that one life somewhere might be saved. Our local high school has stopped offereing driver's education, and it's a good thing, because they really weren't teaching them what they need to know. The 'you get what you pay for' is true in that situation.

There are some things I have come to do somewhat ritualistically, like turn on the photobox with Jared's pics loaded on it each morning, and kissing the urn both morning and night, and sometimes in between. I talk to him just like he is here, because I know that he can hear me and see me. I so long to see him. It is like a physical pain, the longing, but I have found some release in being able to express those feelings in the computer art that I have done, and in writing poetry. I haven't written anything lately, as I have felt so bad physically. I was finally forced by pain to stop and rest, and it was long overdue.

I also am glad I have my family, my husband, Jerry, and my daughter, Jasmine to share this journey with. We talk often about how we are feeling, and it seems we are never totally down all at the same time, and the one that is a bit "up" will pull the others up, and vice-versa.

Most days, I go along trying to get myself involved in doing things that need to be done, housework, yardwork, management of the football & cheer teams, but then right in the middle of anything, there are times when I just become overwhelmed, and just have to stop and cry. This is the new me, because the old me never or rarely cried about anything. I often said, I wish I had the luxury of a nervous breakdown, but never had the time!

Sometimes I would show a "pouty" face to Jared when trying to make a point to him, and he would laugh and look at me and say "you're not really crying". I did cry one night just a few weeks prior to his death, when I was talking to him about how much I worried about him when I couldn't reach him on the phone, and I told him that if anything were ever to happen to him, that I wouldn't want to go on living. We were riding in my van, and on the way home from a late call to pick him up from town, and I was upset and frustrated because I didn't think he cared or realized how much stress he was putting on me. Dad would have exercised "tough love" so I was always the one that Jared called. I looked at him when I made that statement about anything happening to him and I saw tears roll down his cheek. I knew I had reached him. I also told him that night that no matter where he was, or what he was doing, I would never hesitate to come and get him. I didn't want him not telling me where he was, etc., and I wasn't inviting that kind of behavior, but just wanted him to know I would always be there for him. Those next weeks, he was calling me at a decent time if he were with his friends and needed a ride home, and was answering his phone or texting me right back. That was why I knew something was wrong the night this happened and he didn't answer my texts or my calls. I always went and picked him up from his friends house if he rode his bike there during the day, and if it was evening by the time he was ready to come home. He never rode these roads at night. .. Someone stole his bike two days before the crash that took his life. One of the many things that happened that if it had not been so, this would never have happened to him.

More than once, I have said, I just can't do this anymore.... but what else are we to do?

I sent for the autopsy report on my own. Tired of the waiting game. Everyone seems to have an agenda, but very inconsiderate of what we are feeling. What I feel is I have to know all of it, for any kind of closure.

Thanks to all that voiced concern for my recent physical state. I appreciate the good thoughts and prayers!

Adrianna has been gone 8 weeks today. I've come to hate Fridays as it always marks another week. It's seems to get worse everyday. I guess I was on auto pilot before- just doing what I had to do for my kids, my husband, my job. Now I find it hard to even get out of bed. It's harder now to slap on the fake smile and try to be " normal". How did it become April? I'm stuck in Feb! Time seemed to stop for me on Feb 17th. Where have I been these last 8 weeks? Im just existing not really living. I miss my girl so much I can't breathe. I'm so thankful to have my other 2 daughters and they miss their sister so much. I'm just having a mad day I guess. Really angry at the whole situation! I don't know how to be this person and I don't like this stupid new life that I was forced into. Ugh... thanks for letting me ramble

[ericasmom]

That first year we take the day of fhe week our Kids died as a personal affront to our spirits. The fog lifts and we are more exposed and in pain than before because the shock of their leaving has lifted. Be kind and careful with yourselves, it will not always feel this way. Promise.

[daveydow1]

HELLO TO ALL INDIGO FRIENDS...........I've been reading the posts, but haven't been posting.

I'm sorry to see so many new parents on BI. So very sorry for your losses. Peace & prayers.

Carol, Dee, Rhonda, Leah, Trudi, and ALL my other BI friends........I keep reading but am

so behind on posts. Peace to all.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Sorry for all of those who are new to this journey and are hurting so very much today. Really don't have much to say or to add that has not been said today. Prayers and thoughts to everyone walking this road. Take care.

Kate

[mrsduc]

I want to thank everyone for their prayers. It makes me fee like I have people really care for me. I have not had alot of people who have cared for me in my life. It took me along time to like the word I love you from people because those words from other people meant pain for me. So words are hard for me to believe I need the walk the walk. So thank you so much for making me feel wanted. The surgery went good. I am drugged up now and that is the only way I am able to get on. But felt the need to thank everyone. I do think that once again Robert had a hand in putting a person in my life for a brief moment. I was in pre-op and the second nurse came in while the first nurse was finishing up on putting the IV in and somehow we all were talking and it came out by me that my son had died in Jan. The second nurse came to the side of my bed after the first nurse was finished and was putting my bed back and she whispered to me how did he die and I told her and she said I am so sorry. But then after the doctor had come in and all papers were signed and I was just waiting on the OR nurse to come in the second nurse came in and closed the door. I had a weird feeling like I had done something wrong. But she said to me I understand what you are going thru having a son kill himself because she said her son killed himself when he was 20. I cannot remember how long ago she said but it has been awhile. And we spoke for a few more minutes and the OR nurse came in and she stopped talking and as she was leaving I told her thank you and God Bless You. Do you think my instincts are right or I am just wishful thinking that Robert had a hand in bringing this lady into my life just before surgery to ease me? I don't but that is kind of how I thought. Well need to get off nose is dripping blood but they said is normal. Will see how I feel tomorrow and if I'm ok I will get on. Love you all. Linda

[BrendaDup59]

I want to thank everyone for their prayers. It makes me fee like I have people really care for me. I have not had alot of people who have cared for me in my life. It took me along time to like the word I love you from people because those words from other people meant pain for me. So words are hard for me to believe I need the walk the walk. So thank you so much for making me feel wanted. The surgery went good. I am drugged up now and that is the only way I am able to get on. But felt the need to thank everyone. I do think that once again Robert had a hand in putting a person in my life for a brief moment. I was in pre-op and the second nurse came in while the first nurse was finishing up on putting the IV in and somehow we all were talking and it came out by me that my son had died in Jan. The second nurse came to the side of my bed after the first nurse was finished and was putting my bed back and she whispered to me how did he die and I told her and she said I am so sorry. But then after the doctor had come in and all papers were signed and I was just waiting on the OR nurse to come in the second nurse came in and closed the door. I had a weird feeling like I had done something wrong. But she said to me I understand what you are going thru having a son kill himself because she said her son killed himself when he was 20. I cannot remember how long ago she said but it has been awhile. And we spoke for a few more minutes and the OR nurse came in and she stopped talking and as she was leaving I told her thank you and God Bless You. Do you think my instincts are right or I am just wishful thinking that Robert had a hand in bringing this lady into my life just before surgery to ease me? I don't but that is kind of how I thought. Well need to get off nose is dripping blood but they said is normal. Will see how I feel tomorrow and if I'm ok I will get on. Love you all. Linda

Hi Linda, so glad your surgery went good, and I think your son had a lot to do with it, my thoughts and prayers are with you Linda , Take Care of yourself. Love Brenda

[ericasmom]

Indeed LInda, sounds like someone special led this woman to you. When we open up a bit, we find we open doors for some others as well. She was able to come to you because you were so able to let her see what you have been going through, who you are missing. I am so glad taht you are feeling pretty well. Rest now, do as the doctors say.

Kate and Sherri, I have been reading too, but not a lot of posting, very busy these days at school, little down time but that is the nature of Spring with third graders.

Love to All,

dee

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I feel like you're watching over me, JD....

[tobyfreefoot]

linda-- i think whether robert brought her to you or god or what it definitely seems there are some sort of cosmic connections going on. makes me think there must truly be reason behind everything including our sons' deaths even though we can not yet know what that could possibly be. glad your surgery seems to have gone well and you had the understanding of that nurse to comfort you.

i had to ride out a tornado this afternoon in my daughter's bathroom. put madelyn and my daughter in the bathtub with a mattress over them. luckily it skipped up over her neighborhood, felt the air rush under the bathroom door though as it passed. there were no fatalities and miraculously only a handful of injuries. went over to check on forest's lifelong friend susan as her neighborhood was hard hit and ran into forest's favorite professor. her child had been in daycare next to susan's house. we got to visit a long time. i've been wishing i could talk to her. so that was my cosmic connection today. maybe forest and robert are up there tweeking our worlds and laughing together as we try to figure out how these things keep happening. i hope so because forest loves to laugh and it is so nice to think of he and robert having a good time together isn't it?

so attached are pics of madelyn riding out her first tornado in the tub professor klien and i looking some storm damage.

been taking care of my dad for the last couple days so i've missed everyone's posts.

back under tornado watch until 4 am better get off to avoid getting my computer fried by lightning. expecting more tomorrow and sunday. any of you in oklahoma pay attention. take care everyone.

[mrsduc]

I first am so glad you and your daughter. I feel so bad when I hear all the destruction and when people get hurt or die caused by nature or by human hands. SO it makes me happy that atleast you survived. Now what you said about Forest and Robert made me laugh because I just remember when he was younger and this is so funny I am laughing. I think he was about 7 or 8 and he took a empty jar without anybody knowing and apparently he had farted in it and handed it to his brother and me and told us to open it and we were like there is nothing in it. His brother was about 5 or 6 and he opened it and yes it stunk. And all Robert could do was keep laughing. I can see it now. So yes Robert could be behind that. I could see for sure.

Well it has not been a good nite or should I say since I have come home from the hospital. I can't sleep because my mouth is so dry so I take a sip of water or suck on some ice and then I have to go to the bathroom. But the dry mouth is so bad. Just a cycle I can't seem to get out of. It is 3:30am and yes I am very tired but until I can atleast get some moisture into my mouth my mind and body won't let me sleep. UGH! I went down to get some ice and then I went into the living room and looked at Robert's urn and told him and GOd thank you for taking care and looking out for me during my surgery. And then I asked him if he could do me one more favor besides coming to see me, but could he please make my mouth stop being so dry. I know you all are laughing at me. Me too. I have alittle of Robert's sense of humor in me. Then I told him I missed and I was proud of him and I loved him but I had to stop because tears were coming and I can't let myself cry right now until I am alittle more healed. And then I kissed his urn and left. But I just had to tell you that I am glad you all are safe and that it broke me out laughing when you said that about Robert and Forest. Thanks I needed that.Linda

linda-- i think whether robert brought her to you or god or what it definitely seems there are some sort of cosmic connections going on. makes me think there must truly be reason behind everything including our sons' deaths even though we can not yet know what that could possibly be. glad your surgery seems to have gone well and you had the understanding of that nurse to comfort you.

i had to ride out a tornado this afternoon in my daughter's bathroom. put madelyn and my daughter in the bathtub with a mattress over them. luckily it skipped up over her neighborhood, felt the air rush under the bathroom door though as it passed. there were no fatalities and miraculously only a handful of injuries. went over to check on forest's lifelong friend susan as her neighborhood was hard hit and ran into forest's favorite professor. her child had been in daycare next to susan's house. we got to visit a long time. i've been wishing i could talk to her. so that was my cosmic connection today. maybe forest and robert are up there tweeking our worlds and laughing together as we try to figure out how these things keep happening. i hope so because forest loves to laugh and it is so nice to think of he and robert having a good time together isn't it?

so attached are pics of madelyn riding out her first tornado in the tub professor klien and i looking some storm damage.

been taking care of my dad for the last couple days so i've missed everyone's posts.

back under tornado watch until 4 am better get off to avoid getting my computer fried by lightning. expecting more tomorrow and sunday. any of you in oklahoma pay attention. take care everyone.

[Maddy6]

Trudi

The dumbass things people say I believe come from ignorance of the highest order......... I loved that comment and got a good laugh. Yes, :-) I completely agree!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have no idea why people can say such ugly things as well as be so heartless to a parent who is grieving. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Gretchen,I live in North Texas and they were notifying us of the storm going through Oklahoma with tornadoes and hail. I could also see in our weather that something was in the air and we are having strong winds. Many of my FB friends in Oklahoma posted pictures of what was going on due to the storm. I am so glad you and your family were safe and no one was hurt. Hubby says we are expecting similar bad weather on Sunday and he and our boys were making plans to protect things because large hail is expected. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Linda, I am so glad the surgery went smoothly and am wishing you a speedy recovery also. I agree with Dee that when we open up a bit, doors open that help us and others also. I also believe Robert was watching over you and his love will always be with you. Sometimes I marvel when we find out things people have endured in their lives. People we encounter every day who have lived through tragedies and have moved forward courageously. It can be so comforting and give us hope when we meet someone such as that nurse who reached out to you. I believe we did pray that Robert would be with you and yes, it certainly seems to be a divine sign to me. I am sure she gave you comfort and assurance to meet someone who has suffered similar tragedy right before your surgery.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Becky,The picture is beautiful. So much creativity. I enjoy seeing the pictures you are posting.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~To all other Indigos, I am reading every day, I enjoy the pictures and the heartwarming stories. I also sympathize and hurt with the heartache so many endure and also the newbies who I am glad have found us, but sorry they have found it necessary becauseof their loss. So many of you are thought of by me daily, Carol (saw a multicolored punchbuggy and thought of you:-), Dee, Vivian, Kate, Louise, Betsy, Sherry, Brenda, Susan (have missed you lately), Betty, and I know others.....but it is so late and I am tired and have class tomorrow morning. Thank you to all of you for your live, support, care, and concern.~~~~~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[mikesmum]

I can only imagine riding out any storm in a bathroom let alone the kind I see on the news here. Thank goodness you are all okay.

Maddy ~ That day, the day Mike died I had been dispatching for 2hrs straight. One of the 'young ones' was running late so I covered her. That first day back I was supposed to be 'eased' back. Unfortunately there were a number off sick so I was back in the thick of it. My first dispatch was for a young man who had gasse himself in a public place. I felt like I was free falling the whole time. Usually calm under pressure, I remember standing and yelling at the calltaker to 'get me a better location', something I never did. Changed is an understatement.

Well we have two grandies tonight. Jeya and brother Zak. Its been a tough day. Eldest stepsons Amercian BullDog (think size of small pony) and his GFs red heeler escaped and set upon a King Charles being walked by an elderly lady. The King Charles is okay after being seen by the vet. The two dogs are now in custody awaiting vet and local by-laws report. I know Jake the Bulldog...gentle giant. He spends time with Muttley without incident. The other is an older female who isn't very social..She once jumped Muttley and for those who know....she was luck to survive! So we have spent the day with grandies, speaking to vets, talking with son about the reality of fines, dogs being seized and the possiblity that both dogs will be put down.

Last night was my night off from grandies and I guess having to be anywhere. So I watched the sunset over my town.. I felt a closeness to Mike that bought me to tears, as if he'd had a great day watching over Em, Jeya and I.

Just a note ~ Kind of a tornado warning if you will.....I'm heading to USA in September. As some of you might know a few Indigo's got together back in 2009 in MN. The friendships forge then have stood the test of time and distance. I am hoping to catch up with more Indigos this trip. I think the location this time might suit Chicago. Anyhew..,

For your enjoyment.

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen...so glad that you made it through the tornado safely! The picture of the baby is lovely. She is really cute.

Trudi/ thanks for sharing pictures. I always love to see your pictures of landscapes, etc. How lovely that you will be visiting th States this year. I know somebody that will be thrilled to see you!

Had a strange day yesterday. Perhaps it was because of going through my MIL's things...but I headed out late afternoon to the hairdresser for a manicure. I walked out leaving my watch, rings and bracelet on her table. Completely forgot about them. Thank heaven, she came running after me to give them back. I then arrived home to empty my things out of my purse into another one to find several things that did not belong in it. Such as a whole ton of twist ties from garbage bags???, a top to a kleenex box???, etc. Have no idea how they got there. My cell phone was missing and my husband found it in the fridge.

Flashbacks...woke up during the night from a dream. The ambulance was sitting out front of the house. The lights were flashing, but there was nobody there. Just me watching it knowing Jeff was dead inside. Everything was in slow motion...sounds were muffled. Do others have these kinds of dreams as well?

His dog was ill again yesterday. As if the diabetes and blindness was not enough her vestibular kicked in and I thought she was a goner again. Perhaps it was what triggered this forgetfulness. Today I am happy to report she is fine again. And so am I. But this forgetfulness is really scaring me. I got up to do the dishes last evening having forgotten I had already done them. I am so afraid of getting alzheimers. Could this be the start? Or is it my DID? I thought I had it under good control.

Today we are having cloudy skies with fog. We finally got that much needed rain, and my gardens are definitely going to benefit from it. A busy day lined up with my husband. I know he is worried about me. Poor guy.

Wishing everyone the best day they can have.

Kate

[shorty16]

Trudi – “Eldest stepsons Amercian BullDog (think size of small pony) and his GFs red heeler escaped and set upon a King Charles being walked by an elderly lady” – WOW Trudi, Glad everyone is OK. Do either of these dogs have past reports of escape? In Wisconsin, they are tough on this. Michelle was accidently bitten by our dog, Copper. Copper now has a police record and was on 3 weeks of confinement at home. – First and last offense for our poor dog.

Chicago!!!! I am there!!! Chicago is a beautiful city, especially in September. I also would like to travel to NH,VA area and see Bonnie and Carol again and others for the first time. I have already started saving my vacation for your trip.

Maddy – After Brian was killed, I ran (not walked) to the doctor and took a medical leave from work for 4.5 weeks. Then I worked 32 hours for over a year – under the family leave act. I am so glad you were able to calm that “BEAST” and only work the hours needed to complete the job. Your family needed and still needs you.

Gretchen – OMG, I am so glad you family is safe. OK has some of the nastiest weather. They are pretty flat and right in the middle of the tornado belt. I am praying for those who lost so much in the storms.

Linda – God puts people in our life at the right time and hopefully we can receive them - and you received this woman. You will have short encounters that make a huge difference in your life. It amazes me how many parents have lost children. I never realized how many until I became one. We are bound by our darkest days, but we bring light to each other. Glad you are recovering from your surgery. Isn’t it amazing how much love and caring there is on this site.

Sherry – How is life in Ohio? My lilies of the valley are coming up!! My bleeding-heart is in bloom, The sunflowers are peaking up from the soil and the Hyacinths’ and daffodils’ are ending. My clematis and trumpet honeysuckle are climbing their trellis and showing buds and the daisies, coneflowers and iris’ are leafing-out. How is your garden?

Dee – Scott and I still take Brian’s DOB and DOD off of work. These 2 days are within a month of each other; therefore June-July is tough for us. It is important to me that we relax that day. Thanks for sharing and I will be at Eri-fest this year!!!

JD’s Mom – Love your pictures. I think of you often, as our son’s were close in age and in their teens – not even of legal age yet. My younger son is now older than Brian ever was. If that does not distort time, I do not know what does. Hang on my friend. I pray for you often.

I know it does not feel like it, but you are doing OK. The first year is filled with wondering around in the foreign world, we find ourselves in, and trying to find our place in it. This takes a long time. Things do look foreign to us, because they are. We have never looked at a can of peas (or anything else) through the eyes of a grieving mother. You will get there and I am praying for you and the others in the 1st year.

Amber37 – When I read you post – that was me 3 years ago. I just hated every minute of this “new life” and wanted my Brian back. Please give yourself a TON of credit for waking up in the morning and going to work!!! That is huge. Like I said to JD’s Mom, we are foreigners in this world now. We must re-learn how to live without our babies. That takes a long time. Please remember, there are many of us out there – you are not alone.

Carol – I bet you are so excited for Trudi’s visit. I would also love to see you!! I would fly out by you and stay in a hotel near-by. I promise to be no trouble. I just want to give you and Trudi a huge hug!!!!!

Sarah’s Mom – You are doing all the right things with those 2 little ones. Right now, the journey is one-day-at-a-time and sometimes one-breath-at-a-time. I also pray for you often.

As for me, I think I have finally conquered my demon of hatred and judging. 1 week ago, I received a phone call for Rose Moylan, our Victim’s Advocate in Waukesha County WI. She informed me that there was a terrible mistake in her office and she had something to tell me.

Back in Dec of 2009, the driver’s lawyer wrote to the judge in the case asking that the condition of his probation: (10 speeches a year for 5 years on the dangers of car-surfing) be changed to 50 hours of community service. The reason – The driver’s physiologist stated the speeches would hinder the driver’s recovery.

In Feb. and April of 2009, I did 6 speeches on the dangers of car-surfing to driver’s ed classes. I did them, because I thought the driver was doing them and also it was the right thing to do.

As I was listening to this phone call, I was surprised at how calm I was. I thought for sure I would be in the fetal-position in the corner crying. Then I would get up and storm into the court house and raise hell. But I did not feel that way. I felt I did what was right at the time. The driver will have to answer for his own choices. I can no longer hate or judge him. I AM FREE

I feel lighter, happier and just free. I no longer carry the stone-of-hate around my neck – I gave it the Lord to carry – and he took it from me.

I tell you this, because, for the last 3.5 years, I was enveloped and controlled by the hurt I wanted the driver to feel. I wanted him to hurt as much as me and my family are hurting. Now, I hand his judgment over to the Lord. He, not I, will stand before the Lord and answer for his actions that ended Brian’s life.

YEAH for ME

Colleen, Brian’s Proud of Him Mom!!

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

"

Just stopped by for a minute and would like to say "HI to Sherry, Colleen, Trudi, Carol, Rhonda and Dee'because I read your recent postsas well as welcome to the many new Indigos who have recently joined us

I do not have time to address each one, but would just like to add that you have found a beautiful Oasis in this world. Here you will be understood and encouraged by people who truly know as few others can.

That said If I am not our of town and committed (literally): :

Chicago Visit--- Indigo Gathering I WILL BE THERE

Have a Blessed Weekend

[vivkib]

This was sent to me in an E-Mail and I thought I'd pass it along. Hope it helps.~~~~~~~~~

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance

The stages have evolved since their introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief 's terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.

Denial

This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

Anger

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, "Where is God in this?

Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn't attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn't around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – - your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

Bargaining

Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. "Please God, " you bargain, "I will never be angry at my wife again if you'll just let her live." After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. "What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?"

We become lost in a maze of "If only…" or "What if…" statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining's companion. The "if onlys" cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we "think" we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

Depression

After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It's important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you're in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn't get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

Acceptance

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being "all right" or "OK" with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don't ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves.

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember your grief is an unique as you are

[ericasmom]

The stages of grief that are posted were posted a few months ago by Trudi...These are important to realize and reread as you go through the porcess of grief. It is a process and it does take time and energy and all sorts of emotions to get through. Getting through it never means forgetting our Child. Getting through it means we find ourselves able to breathe and live in a way that is less painful than those first two years...finding ways to reconcile oneself to this life without the physical presence of that wonder who left this earth. Thanks for posting it.

Colleen, yeah for you indeed. I am so glad for this freedom you are now living with. Brian must be as well.

Trudi, you being here is a treat indeed. If folks want to come to the area to meet up, we can plan that. There are some hotels in Oak Park, the next town over, two miles from my home, and great restaurants and sites to see. We are only 20 minutes drive from downtown Chicago.

Boy Gretchen, so glad taht the tornado did not bring harm to your family and that in the clean-up you were able to see the gift of running into the professor that Forest so respected. Madelyn is gorgeous and will love the stories of riding out her first tornado in the bathtub.

Linda, glad that you are healing.

Betty, love to see you, what is new?

Kate, cloudy here too but warmer and filled with bird song.

[mrsduc]

I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I finally got alittle sleep at 5:20am and kept waking up each other to go to the bathroom. I finally gave up a nine and have been up in pain ever since. Finally took meds and i think they are starting to work so I am hoping that I can relax and sleep some. But I truely appreciate all the prayers and letting me feel wanted and loved here. All my life as those that have viewed my other posts know I have not had too much luck with friends or love in my life. But I keep trying. Would you believe that my youngest son who is keeping my granddaughter away from me called me the morning of surgery and told me that he would be thinking of me and that he would call Donald to find out how I was doing. I was shocked and hopeful. But then I remember he had hurt me so much on the last 10 years that I am going to be very causious this time. He knows that he holds my heart on and string and alot of times he has come in to my life just to get me feeling like we are just starting to get to know each other again and then he leaves and does not talk to me for year or so. I told him at Robert's memorial with tears running down my face when he and his wife told me that they would give me one more chance and maybe one day we would be mother and son. I immediately told him we are mother and son and I loved him and he could not change that. But with tears rolling down my face, I told him that I cannot have him keep coming in and out of my life that it hurts me too bad and takes each time more and more to pick myself up. I also told him that I do not know what I did wrong and I cannot be afraid to be me and I feel like with him saying he will give me one more chance that I will have to be careful what I say or touch or anything for fear he will be gone again. But he did not respond or seem to even have concern on his face with the tears running out and down my face. But I do understand since he was only 4 when they took him away from me and so he is the most damaged in that they were able to really get to his mind and I know for a fact because Robert told me that they always told him and his brothers that I did not love them. people can be so cruel to children. I remember being in this foster home when I was 3 until I was 6 and they never let me play with anyone or go to school or anything. I use to have terrible nose bleeds and they would just put me in the bathtub and leave me there and blood would run down my face and neck and i would cry. I had to share this bed with this other foster child and I remember the bed was not all the way up against the wall and apparently in my sleep I rolled and fell out of bed and my foster mother came in with the fly swatter and beat me for waking her up. They kept me on the bottle until the day I left. And standing on the steps getting ready to go with the social worker to live with my soon to be adopted parents I will never forget what my foster mother said to me. She said "You are the worst child I ever had and I feel sorry for whoever gets you." What a terrible thing to say to a child. I have never forgotten it. So I tried so hard even though I was not shown love in growing in my foster home my real parents home or my adoped home, that I did not know how since I was not taught but my brain told me that I was going to make sure that everyday that my kids would always feel wanted and love by me. I as I said did not know how to do this but I figured in my brain that I would do what I had always wanted a mother to do for me. Play with me not tell me I can't talk or I'm too busy for them all the time. And hug and kiss them and tell them out loud how much I loved them and what they meant to me. I allowed them to be who they were and did not try to change them except they did need correcting. To learn the right and wrong of things. But I did that out of love. I tried the best I could in a terrible situation that I was in and they were in. But anyway I am hurting and I am going to stop and lay down, but please know that I am thinking of you all. And I wish I could pray that we would never have to get new members. But I know that is not going to happen. And for that it makes me so sad that someother mother and father and siblings and family have to go through what me and all of us are going through. It hurts me so down deep. It use to upset me before and I would say a silent pray for them but I would forget about it very shortly but not anymore. I will be checking in from time to time. Thanks for listening.

[vivkib]

Well, this is not such a good night for me. Still realing from lossing my dad 1 1/2yrs ago and my son 6 1/2months ago, I found out tonight my mom had a heartattack a few days ago and a triple by-pass on Friday. I just don't know if I have the strenght to keep going. I know whatever happens I have to go on but I just can't loose my mom too. I'm trying to stay positive and not think the worst but it's just so hard right now. How much more can I take?

[ericasmom]

Prayers for your mom Kevin's Mom, and for you as you feel yourself worry yet again. I will be saying some extra prayers. Did your Mom already have the surgery or next Friday?

Goodnight All--may you sleep deeply and wake refreshed.

[tobyfreefoot]

Well, this is not such a good night for me. Still realing from lossing my dad 1 1/2yrs ago and my son 6 1/2months ago, I found out tonight my mom had a heartattack a few days ago and a triple by-pass on Friday. I just don't know if I have the strenght to keep going. I know whatever happens I have to go on but I just can't loose my mom too. I'm trying to stay positive and not think the worst but it's just so hard right now. How much more can I take?

i hope your mom is going to be ok. that is way too much. i was feeling sort of sad tonight and going to come on here and talk about it. i read your post and felt so bad for you. i realized though my heart hurts i am not facing another overwhelming event at this very moment and need to be grateful for the breathing room. i am so sorry that you have so much on your plate to worry and grieve for. will be thinking of you and sending you my best.

[Maddy6]

Vivian,I am so very sorry for the heartache and loss you have suffered. I know losing your dad, your son, and now the serious condition your mom is facing is overwhelming. I wish I could ease your pain, I wish I could ease all of our pain. I am truly sorry for what you are going through and want you to know that we are here for you. Many of us have endured much heartache in our lives and understand the pain you feel. It is still so very early in the loss of your son and you are still very fragile. It is understanding that you would feel so vulnerable and scared over your mom. Try to not think of the 'what ifs' for now. There are many people who have bypass surgery and live long lives. Try not to allow yourself to worry unnecessarily. I know when you are in such a fragile state already from the loss of your dad & son that other difficulties can feel be felt more intensely. Realize that you will not always feel these strong emotions so deeply and time will ease your pain. It will not always hurt as deeply as it does now and you are going to make it. You are stronger than you realize, all of us are, and we are here to support you and help you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.......and stay strong.......you can do this. We are her for you.LOVE,MADDY

[Maddy6]

Colleen,It was so wonderful to read your post. I am so happy for you, for the freedom you have grown into! Reading your post brought a wonderful smile to my face. ~~~~~~~~~Vivian, Thank you for posting the stages of grief. I read a lot of grief books after the death of my daughter initially, but I think I was so wigged out that I don't really remember them. It helps me to read and reread them as I continue to heal. Thank you so much.~~~~~~~~~~Linda, That is so wonderful about your son calling you before surgery. I think you are right to proceed with caution and protect your heart from anymore hurt. Although you are in pain, I can tell your spirit seems a little lighter and am so happy for that for you. Continue to heal up and we are here for you and we care..~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hope everyone gets restful sleep tonight, LOVE, MADDY

[mikesmum]

Well, this is not such a good night for me. Still realing from lossing my dad 1 1/2yrs ago and my son 6 1/2months ago, I found out tonight my mom had a heartattack a few days ago and a triple by-pass on Friday. I just don't know if I have the strenght to keep going. I know whatever happens I have to go on but I just can't loose my mom too. I'm trying to stay positive and not think the worst but it's just so hard right now. How much more can I take?

Kevin's mum ~ It does beggar belief that after the assault on our being that is losing a child we are still hit with 'life'. I remember being here in those early days when losing Mike took everything...my son, my work, my mind, body and soul. The next wave of 'stressors' came in one after the other. I didn't believe I would survive..how could I? Yet we do, we take one breath, one step and somehow we work through the storms.

Losing a child makes being 'positive' harder. But again, we seem to 'put on the happy face' and be brave for those around us. I hope that your mum's surgery goes well. I am thinking of you.

I am always in awe of those who tell us 'god only gives us what he believes we can handle'. Seriously, there needs to be an audit of just what he is giving out sometimes..

Miss Colleen ~ I am beaming at the signs of strength and healing you have shown...my goodness you have come along way since MN 09. I guess we all have

Maddy ~ Ahh PTSD. When I see ambulances, hear radio traffic for dispatch, travel near my work, spend time with Mikes siblings or friends, I can guarantee the 'flashbacks' begin. The worst where I dream I am 'working' unable to see screens for locations, raise paramedics on air, hear the address where the ambulance is needed. Harder still is when Mike is there as a young boy who can't seem to tell me where he is..Used to drive me insane...now I'm insane I just get up, walk, sit on the computer or just cry....There really isn't much I can do....

I too wish there were no more Indigos. I want children to 'run the course' of their lives and outlive their parents. I have lost both parents, for me it was the natural life cycle. I have lost a child there was nothing natural about it.

The Stages of grief mean different things to each of us. As Kubler-Ross and friends have noted these are in no particular order. There verosity is as individual as we are, they never completely leave. They can be revisited at any given time without warning.

It will be great if Indigo's can come together, I will leave the details to those in the know.

Its an Indian summer evening here. Its been blue skies and sunshine bringing out the brilliance of the autumn leaves, hues of reds, golds and browns mingled with the greens that don't want to leave just yet.....Night Indigos.

[mrsduc]

Thank you everyone for your continual support and prayers for my recovery. I am having a hard time getting any sleep. I sleep for an hour or two and nothing. So I am writing to you all to let you know first that I truely feel like you care for me. And that means so much to me. But also I have a memorial on Legacy.com that I paid for to last for a whole year and that way I told Robert's father and brothers of it and anytime they or I or anyone can right in it and add pictures or whatever. Well my first cousin called me today to see how I was doing after surgery and I told her about the sight and she wrote in it and I would like to share what she put in a poem of sorts that she found on the Internet that I hope will help anyone who has lost a child.

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...

but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.

Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.

Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,

God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.

As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.

I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.

There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.

And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.

God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years

because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.

Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.

But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.

I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;

but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...

that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,

then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."

And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,

knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,

just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;

I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,

remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)

©Copyright 1998

http://www.ruthann1.com

[vivkib]

Thank you all for the encouraging words and prayers for my mom, it means alot. Her surgery was this past Friday. They had to wait a few days to do it because she was not stable enough to make it through. She has a few other health issues that have gotten worse since my dad passed. They say the procedure went well but have had her fully sudated since. I'm just so scared of lossing her too, I'm not done with her yet. She has been my rock through the loss of Kevin, always there for me to be able to call and talk, cry, vent, and encourage me whenever I need her. Some times we just need our moms and she's one of the best. Thank you all again for being here. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[vivkib]

Oh, Robert's mom, I'm glad your surgery went well and sending prayers for a speedy recovery. Also glad to see you are becoming stronger on this journey we call grief. There are set-backs, as we all know, but with each one we still have steps forward. Glad to hear you are seeing more of the signs from your wonderful Robert. Our kids sure are amazing even after they're gone aren't they? Hugs and prayers to all. Vivian-Kevin's Mom