Loss of an Adult Child

[mrsduc]

That is what I was thinking to. But part of it is also my way of representing the song that I sang to him "You are my sunshine" and his love of the ocean.

[tobyfreefoot]

my remaining sons, my daughter, her daughter, my parents, my partner and me. we lack the energy and high spirits forest always provided but we are trying to hold it together.

[tobyfreefoot]

That is what I was thinking to. But part of it is also my way of representing the song that I sang to him "You are my sunshine" and his love of the ocean.

seems perfect

[ericasmom]

Linda, making plans for the tattoo is a way to honor your feelings of your Robert, and to honor what he means to you. I am sure that having his ashes mixed in will be a way to carry him forward in all you do. A physical way to take him with you. He will go with you everywhere in your heart and in your spirit. I think I understand what you mean about being kind of happy for him, you knew he was hurting and now he is not. It sounds like very controlling family issues have caused some big negative issues in your Childrens' lives. I am so sorry for that. Robert clearly loves you, leaving the messages for you and hoping you would understand. His dogs survived in the hardest of circumstances, perhaps that is Robert's doing, making sure somehow that they would be taken care of at some point. He is a handsome boy/man. Always your Son, nothing takes that away.

Please be careful with your health, our immune systems get knocked around when we grieve and mourn. Our chemical makeup changes to adjust to the shock of loss, and then the anxiety that takes over along with the absolute depths of sadness...all of these things serve to knock us down, and we must take really extra good care of us to go on. We wonder why bother sometimes, but really the last thing our Angels want is for us to die before our time. Drink plenty of water and eat small meals that have plenty of whole grains and protein in order to stay healthy. Such nice photos Linda. I do so agree with Betsy, I don't think that Robert was alone when he left this place. Angels met him.

Gretchen, love the photos too, you have your Mom's smile, and it is contagious.

Robyn, I know that the small breaks from the excruciating pain are a wonderful rest for you and the family. Chrissy must be smiling on you all. You are healing slowly and there will be days when you doubt you really will, but remember the day when you felt that it was a bit better, that sense will continue to grow over time. Be kind to yourselves.

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends...it has been quite a long time since I have been here and no way of catching up with all......Sorry once again to see new ones here, my heart breaks for you... I have been keeping myself very busy as it has been nice out so working on the gardens and of course "Jessica's Garden".....The pond is up and running and fish are happily swimming around....

I have been doing alot of thinking and rethinking on alot of things and have realized that no matter how much time passes I am forever missing my Jessica, yes it is softer but the pain never really goes away...I talk to her alot, tell her about Tavian and how wonderful he is, how much he has grown although I know she sees all of this herself. I have not been to the cemetery for awhile but am planning to go this weekend (weather permitting) and put down some sod and plant some flowers....Tavian wants to help so that will help me keep my tears in check...

My hubby is up island tonite fighting a huge fire...firemen from as far away as Brooklyn have come to help. Tavian got so upset when I told him, started to cry and told me to call him and tell him to come home....about 5 minutes later Barry called to let us know that he was ok but would probably not be home tonite. Tavian was so happy to hear from him and is now much more relaxed. Quite a few homes have been lost already but no one hurt....Please say a prayer for all the volunteer firefighters who put their lives on the line....I am calling on all Angels to watch over them....I know Jessica is watching over her dad....

I miss you all and think of you often, always in my prayers and thoughts...Hugs to all of you, Kathy

Tavian showing off his Easter Egg....love this boy

My little brother Billy...went to Heaven Feb 28, 2002

My Jessica.......

[robyn]

Hello my dear friends...it has been quite a long time since I have been here and no way of catching up with all......Sorry once again to see new ones here, my heart breaks for you... I have been keeping myself very busy as it has been nice out so working on the gardens and of course "Jessica's Garden".....The pond is up and running and fish are happily swimming around....

I have been doing alot of thinking and rethinking on alot of things and have realized that no matter how much time passes I am forever missing my Jessica, yes it is softer but the pain never really goes away...I talk to her alot, tell her about Tavian and how wonderful he is, how much he has grown although I know she sees all of this herself. I have not been to the cemetery for awhile but am planning to go this weekend (weather permitting) and put down some sod and plant some flowers....Tavian wants to help so that will help me keep my tears in check...

My hubby is up island tonite fighting a huge fire...firemen from as far away as Brooklyn have come to help. Tavian got so upset when I told him, started to cry and told me to call him and tell him to come home....about 5 minutes later Barry called to let us know that he was ok but would probably not be home tonite. Tavian was so happy to hear from him and is now much more relaxed. Quite a few homes have been lost already but no one hurt....Please say a prayer for all the volunteer firefighters who put their lives on the line....I am calling on all Angels to watch over them....I know Jessica is watching over her dad....

I miss you all and think of you often, always in my prayers and thoughts...Hugs to all of you, Kathy

Tavian showing off his Easter Egg....love this boy

My little brother Billy...went to Heaven Feb 28, 2002

My Jessica.......

Many, many prayers for Barry and the other heroes fighting the good fight! We have angels here, too.

[Maddy6]

Hello Everyone,~~~I have been very busy lately, but did want to say hi. I have kept up reading every day.I wanted to wish a belated Happy Heavenly Birthday to ERICA, I know her love was shining down on you that day as every day Dee.~~~~Linda, I am so glad you finally found this thread. In the beginning, I, and a couple of others had told you about this thread. But I think it was such a difficult time for you that it may have been confusing. Anyway, I am so very happy that you have made your way to this thread now. You will find much love and support, and many who care and comfort you. I have been reading your posts daily and thinking of you. I am sorry your son did that on Easter. My heart is with you. ~~~~Kate, thank you for thinking of me. Yes we had a wonderful Easter. I surprised my kiddos with baskets and small gifts. In addition to candy we put gifts such as ITunes cards, shower gel, car wash, hairbrushes, suntan lotion etc. They LOVED them!! Hubby and I snuck into their rooms early in the morning while they were sleeping and left them where they would see them upon waking. They were thrilled with the surprise. Then for my 30 year old daughter, she came over around 11, we bought a colorful party tub she would be able to use later by her pool and I filled it with candy and magazines, iTunes card etc. She was also thrilled. So all of my kids I think felt like they had their old mom back, because those are the types of creative things I used to do for my kids before Rachael died. It is not that I have not done anything like that since Rachael died, But I enjoyed it in a way that I have not since Rachael died. Hubby and I filled the baskets together and had great fun. Hubby was happy to see the old me again too.~~~~~~~~~~Then my 18yo son likes to cook and insisted he cook Easter dinner, and he did!! He would not allow me or anyone else to help. He cooked the entire meal, and he is a very good cook. So that was also enjoyable and everyone enjoyed his cooking. He takes a culinary arts class in high school.~~~~~~~~~~So I think it was one of the nicest holidays for us and our family continues to heal from our great loss of sister and daughter, but Sunday was a nice day!~~~~~~~~~~Robyn, I was so glad to see you and be encouraged by your sweet spirit.~~~~~To everyone else, Carol, Trudi, Betsy, Betty, Gretchen, Susan, Becky, Vivien, and all others, and I am sorry for the newbies that you are here, but I am lad you have found us. And you are in my thoughts and I read all of your posts every day. My heart is with you.~~~~~~Oh, one more thing. Last week when we went for the 2nd opinion for Carson in Dallas. We had a wonderful, responsible surgeon. I think it was Carol, (thank you Carol, if it was someone else I apologize), who had given me wonderful counsel about seeking a 2 nd opinion and told me of her experience. Anyway, there is no other way to say it, but............the first doctor must be a quack. This surgeon in Dallas knew what the first doctor had told us, and she spent over an hour teaching us what she was looking at on the EKG etc., all to show us why Carson DID NOT have to have surgery. She said it was not the first time she has disagreed with that particular doctor. She also outlined why there would never be the risk taken during surgery (if he did get it) that would cause Carson to ever need a pacemaker. Her diagnosis was 180 degrees opposite what that first doctor told us.~~~~~Now all of this was going on while DFW was getting hit by 12 tornadoes that day! My kids were at school and work going into lock downs and precautions being taken. It was a very crazy day. But we are so thankful Carson is fine, and will NOT get surgery, and WILL NOT be put on heart medication. Very, very thankful.~~~~~~~LOVE,MADDY❤

[BrendaDup59]

I lost my handsome 32 year old son Saturday March 17 2012, to a Motorcycle accident at 2.30pm my life changed as I know it, it will never be the same.when I found out he had bought a motorcycle I got so upset I knew just looking at it that that was what was going to kill my son! I ask him if he was licensed ? wore a helmet? and he said yes to both questions, then after the accident I found out that he did neither, as for what happen his tire hit some gravel and when he came around a curve he crossed the center line and hit a car head on and died at the scene, I have since found out even if he had worn a helmet he would have died, when he hit the car it was with his upper body and my sister having been a paramedic was told what happen when he died she is pretty sure he tore the artery to his heart and bled out. His best friend was there when it happen and I am grateful for that, he didn't die alone. I will never forget my husband walking up to me with this look in his eyes and I knew, I just lost it I wanted to die too ,I wanted God to take me right then and there I have never felt so much physical pain in my life.

MY son was a loving husband and wonderful father to 6 children ages 15 years to 17 months my heart just breaks for them everyone keeps telling me it will get better, it will get easier, well right now I don't think it will ever get better, or easier, all I know is a part of me died on March 17, and I just don't know how to go on without him in my life. I know I have to for my 9 year old and my 28 year old who is also married and has 5 children.I just feel so empty and lost. I cant look at his picture without feeling like someone punched me in the stomach, I tried watching the videos he sent me one of his youngest daughters birthday and almost thought I was going over the short ledge I feel I am already on I miss him more then I ever thought was possible April 3, he would have been 33. Never in my life did I ever think I would be going through this.. I know at that minute when he was riding he was having the best time of his life. and I was told that 4 people appeared at the accident and were praying for him . I am praying and asking God to give me the strength to just get through one minute at a time I wish I could just have 1 more time with him just to hug and kiss his sweet face. I will forever miss my beautiful son but I have 5 grandchildren that he loved so dearly and I found out my daughter in law had donated his organs so I pray somewhere out there he is helping someone have a life. God Bless each and every one of you that are walking the same path I am , It's just one day at a time. Brenda

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I forget who posted the picture that gave me this idea to do this picture, of my daughter at the gravesite, but thank you! It took a while, as I have been, and still am feeling physically awful. Going to make an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow.

Love to all,

[Amber37]

JD's Mom- wow what an amazing picture! So touching. Can I ask, is that his picture I see on the gravestone? I've been contemplating doing that for my daughters headstone but I was worried how the picture would turn out on there. Once again, amazing photo!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Yes, it is his pic on the marker. We were supposed to come up with some words for each of us, but it was just too hard at at the time, and so I put on a poem that Jared had written years ago in school.

JD's Mom- wow what an amazing picture! So touching. Can I ask, is that his picture I see on the gravestone? I've been contemplating doing that for my daughters headstone but I was worried how the picture would turn out on there. Once again, amazing photo!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sorry, Double Post!

[Amber37]

That looks great. Thanks for posting that. His marker is beautiful

[ericasmom]

Brian's Mom, Brenda? I have to go to bed, sooo tired, but just want to quickly tell you to hang on Sweetie, this is very early in your journey, please hang on and realize that we are all around you, we all gt what it tis you are facing adn what it is your are feeling. Please come back and post and tell us all you want and are able...a lot of folks are going to respond to you in the next day, don't worry about remembering names, that does not mater right now, what matters will be the words that others post letting you know that we are here.

Peace one day,

dee

[dhathc00]

I lost my handsome 32 year old son Saturday March 17 2012, to a Motorcycle accident at 2.30pm my life changed as I know it, it will never be the same.when I found out he had bought a motorcycle I got so upset I knew just looking at it that that was what was going to kill my son! I ask him if he was licensed ? wore a helmet? and he said yes to both questions, then after the accident I found out that he did neither, as for what happen his tire hit some gravel and when he came around a curve he crossed the center line and hit a car head on and died at the scene, I have since found out even if he had worn a helmet he would have died, when he hit the car it was with his upper body and my sister having been a paramedic was told what happen when he died she is pretty sure he tore the artery to his heart and bled out. His best friend was there when it happen and I am grateful for that, he didn't die alone. I will never forget my husband walking up to me with this look in his eyes and I knew, I just lost it I wanted to die too ,I wanted God to take me right then and there I have never felt so much physical pain in my life.

MY son was a loving husband and wonderful father to 6 children ages 15 years to 17 months my heart just breaks for them everyone keeps telling me it will get better, it will get easier, well right now I don't think it will ever get better, or easier, all I know is a part of me died on March 17, and I just don't know how to go on without him in my life. I know I have to for my 9 year old and my 28 year old who is also married and has 5 children.I just feel so empty and lost. I cant look at his picture without feeling like someone punched me in the stomach, I tried watching the videos he sent me one of his youngest daughters birthday and almost thought I was going over the short ledge I feel I am already on I miss him more then I ever thought was possible April 3, he would have been 33. Never in my life did I ever think I would be going through this.. I know at that minute when he was riding he was having the best time of his life. and I was told that 4 people appeared at the accident and were praying for him . I am praying and asking God to give me the strength to just get through one minute at a time I wish I could just have 1 more time with him just to hug and kiss his sweet face. I will forever miss my beautiful son but I have 5 grandchildren that he loved so dearly and I found out my daughter in law had donated his organs so I pray somewhere out there he is helping someone have a life. God Bless each and every one of you that are walking the same path I am , It's just one day at a time. Brenda

[mrsduc]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you are feeling for I am still very new in this newlife that I am having to be in that I call hell on earth. My son killed himself on Jan 4th and was found on the 17th in his apartment dead. I found out from his father, my ex on the 18th at 5:50a.m. and that is when my life changed forever. I will never be the person I was before his death. SO believe me I so understand how you are feeling and I am here for you and it might help if you feel like it to tell us about your son so that we or me can get to know him. It has helped me and I have posted many pictures in the gallery. I am in no way over the cruel pain that is the worse thing that I have every had to endure. I feel empty and at the same time so upset. I am depressed alot of the time and the tears have not stopped and they are gut wrenching tears. How ever you grieve do it. Your way is the right way and however long you need to do it do not let anyone say to you that you have got to move on or something like that or you are not grieving right. There is no right or wrong. You are right and let yourself grieve and be kind to yourself and get as much rest as you can. God bless you and I wil keep you in my prayers.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Here is me at the gravesite, with my angel over my shoulder.....

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello Everyone,~~~I have been very busy lately, but did want to say hi. I have kept up reading every day.I wanted to wish a belated Happy Heavenly Birthday to ERICA, I know her love was shining down on you that day as every day Dee.~~~~Linda, I am so glad you finally found this thread. In the beginning, I, and a couple of others had told you about this thread. But I think it was such a difficult time for you that it may have been confusing. Anyway, I am so very happy that you have made your way to this thread now. You will find much love and support, and many who care and comfort you. I have been reading your posts daily and thinking of you. I am sorry your son did that on Easter. My heart is with you. ~~~~Kate, thank you for thinking of me. Yes we had a wonderful Easter. I surprised my kiddos with baskets and small gifts. In addition to candy we put gifts such as ITunes cards, shower gel, car wash, hairbrushes, suntan lotion etc. They LOVED them!! Hubby and I snuck into their rooms early in the morning while they were sleeping and left them where they would see them upon waking. They were thrilled with the surprise. Then for my 30 year old daughter, she came over around 11, we bought a colorful party tub she would be able to use later by her pool and I filled it with candy and magazines, iTunes card etc. She was also thrilled. So all of my kids I think felt like they had their old mom back, because those are the types of creative things I used to do for my kids before Rachael died. It is not that I have not done anything like that since Rachael died, But I enjoyed it in a way that I have not since Rachael died. Hubby and I filled the baskets together and had great fun. Hubby was happy to see the old me again too.~~~~~~~~~~Then my 18yo son likes to cook and insisted he cook Easter dinner, and he did!! He would not allow me or anyone else to help. He cooked the entire meal, and he is a very good cook. So that was also enjoyable and everyone enjoyed his cooking. He takes a culinary arts class in high school.~~~~~~~~~~So I think it was one of the nicest holidays for us and our family continues to heal from our great loss of sister and daughter, but Sunday was a nice day!~~~~~~~~~~Robyn, I was so glad to see you and be encouraged by your sweet spirit.~~~~~To everyone else, Carol, Trudi, Betsy, Betty, Gretchen, Susan, Becky, Vivien, and all others, and I am sorry for the newbies that you are here, but I am lad you have found us. And you are in my thoughts and I read all of your posts every day. My heart is with you.~~~~~~Oh, one more thing. Last week when we went for the 2nd opinion for Carson in Dallas. We had a wonderful, responsible surgeon. I think it was Carol, (thank you Carol, if it was someone else I apologize), who had given me wonderful counsel about seeking a 2 nd opinion and told me of her experience. Anyway, there is no other way to say it, but............the first doctor must be a quack. This surgeon in Dallas knew what the first doctor had told us, and she spent over an hour teaching us what she was looking at on the EKG etc., all to show us why Carson DID NOT have to have surgery. She said it was not the first time she has disagreed with that particular doctor. She also outlined why there would never be the risk taken during surgery (if he did get it) that would cause Carson to ever need a pacemaker. Her diagnosis was 180 degrees opposite what that first doctor told us.~~~~~Now all of this was going on while DFW was getting hit by 12 tornadoes that day! My kids were at school and work going into lock downs and precautions being taken. It was a very crazy day. But we are so thankful Carson is fine, and will NOT get surgery, and WILL NOT be put on heart medication. Very, very thankful.~~~~~~~LOVE,MADDY❤

Maddy...set another place at the table. I'm moving in! Your Easter day sounds like it was a ton of fun! We used to do things like that for the kids too. And to have the meal prepared for you? How cool is that?

So happy to read that Carson did not require the surgery after all. Yep, there are definitely people practicing that should not be. Another good reason to celebrate this past weekend.

Becky...thanks for sharing your picture. Very touching.

Linda...whatever idea you choose to honour Robert will be a lovely tribute.

Brenda...I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. You are in my thoughts and prayers today. Please do take care of yourself.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Becky, the stone is so very beautiful, and so fitting to have the poetry on it, representing the creative Son. the photos are amazing.

Maddy, so good to hear that Easter felt like a time of renewal for your whole family. My but your Daughter must be smiling on you all. So happy to hear that your Son has seen a specialist who is more positive and that the news is good.

Linda and Brenda, Brian's Mom, I am sorry for the pain in your life, there is nothing that will fill that void for now, only time and good memories and ways to rebuild your life in Robert's light will help with that. You will need time to do these things, as your good advice suggests to an even newer parent, you must grieve as you do, no wrong way to do so, as long as you are not hurting yourself in the process. We all get it.

[mrsduc]

I just think Robert in some way had a hand in what happened last night. First of all yesterday I had told my husband that I knew that if Robert was alive he would be telling not to worry about the surgery that I am having on Friday and that everything will be fine and at the same time I would be able to hear the worry in his voice. But he would still of called me and try to assure me. Well last night my new adopted I guess you can say son, who was Robert's friends who helped me clean his apartment and when above and beyond everything that a friend could do. But he told me that him and Robert and this girl that also helped so much Cheryl did not have family in CA so they became each others family and they were torn apart almost as bad as me. James is still grieving so badly like me for Robert. He know him as Rob. Robert had his family only call him Robert. But anyway James called and while we talked the next thing James did somewhere in our conversation he told me that everything would be alright and I would be just fine with my surgery and it was just seemed like a minor procedure since I was coming home that very day. When I got off the phone with him, I just felt the need to email him to tell him how much that meant to me and then i told him that Robert would of done the samething. And that very day when I had been talking to my husband i had told him that because I knew Robert would of called to reassure me that it just made it worse for me. So do you think it was Robert kind of helping me in his own way? I just know that it helped to hear it. James and I felt a connection from the first moment that we met. He is not Robert but boy I can see why Robert and he were so much good friends and had been since they were 17. So that is along time. I am physically drained today. My sinus are really bad and I am thinking ok are they going to be doing the right surgery because they say it is all becauce my eye duct is clogged. But I have always believed this pressure and pain I have had off and on for years but never like this was my sinus. But they tell me that it is all connected. I hope so because I worry so. So that is what is going on with me. thanks for listening.

[BrendaDup59]

I just think Robert in some way had a hand in what happened last night. First of all yesterday I had told my husband that I knew that if Robert was alive he would be telling not to worry about the surgery that I am having on Friday and that everything will be fine and at the same time I would be able to hear the worry in his voice. But he would still of called me and try to assure me. Well last night my new adopted I guess you can say son, who was Robert's friends who helped me clean his apartment and when above and beyond everything that a friend could do. But he told me that him and Robert and this girl that also helped so much Cheryl did not have family in CA so they became each others family and they were torn apart almost as bad as me. James is still grieving so badly like me for Robert. He know him as Rob. Robert had his family only call him Robert. But anyway James called and while we talked the next thing James did somewhere in our conversation he told me that everything would be alright and I would be just fine with my surgery and it was just seemed like a minor procedure since I was coming home that very day. When I got off the phone with him, I just felt the need to email him to tell him how much that meant to me and then i told him that Robert would of done the samething. And that very day when I had been talking to my husband i had told him that because I knew Robert would of called to reassure me that it just made it worse for me. So do you think it was Robert kind of helping me in his own way? I just know that it helped to hear it. James and I felt a connection from the first moment that we met. He is not Robert but boy I can see why Robert and he were so much good friends and had been since they were 17. So that is along time. I am physically drained today. My sinus are really bad and I am thinking ok are they going to be doing the right surgery because they say it is all becauce my eye duct is clogged. But I have always believed this pressure and pain I have had off and on for years but never like this was my sinus. But they tell me that it is all connected. I hope so because I worry so. So that is what is going on with me. thanks for listening.

Linda , Yes I do think Robert had a hand in it, we all have had similar things happen since Brian died, I too have gained a couple of his friends that want to be close to us, his best friend is having a hard time dealing with what he saw and feels responsible. I worry about him . I hope you do OK and I think Robert will be right there with you . Hugs Brenda

[robyn]

Here is me at the gravesite, with my angel over my shoulder.....

Becky, you post the most beautiful pictures!

[robyn]

Sorry, Double Post!

Thank you so much for posting this- what a lovely heartfelt stone. And I love the poem.

[robyn]

I lost my handsome 32 year old son Saturday March 17 2012, to a Motorcycle accident at 2.30pm my life changed as I know it, it will never be the same.when I found out he had bought a motorcycle I got so upset I knew just looking at it that that was what was going to kill my son! I ask him if he was licensed ? wore a helmet? and he said yes to both questions, then after the accident I found out that he did neither, as for what happen his tire hit some gravel and when he came around a curve he crossed the center line and hit a car head on and died at the scene, I have since found out even if he had worn a helmet he would have died, when he hit the car it was with his upper body and my sister having been a paramedic was told what happen when he died she is pretty sure he tore the artery to his heart and bled out. His best friend was there when it happen and I am grateful for that, he didn't die alone. I will never forget my husband walking up to me with this look in his eyes and I knew, I just lost it I wanted to die too ,I wanted God to take me right then and there I have never felt so much physical pain in my life.

MY son was a loving husband and wonderful father to 6 children ages 15 years to 17 months my heart just breaks for them everyone keeps telling me it will get better, it will get easier, well right now I don't think it will ever get better, or easier, all I know is a part of me died on March 17, and I just don't know how to go on without him in my life. I know I have to for my 9 year old and my 28 year old who is also married and has 5 children.I just feel so empty and lost. I cant look at his picture without feeling like someone punched me in the stomach, I tried watching the videos he sent me one of his youngest daughters birthday and almost thought I was going over the short ledge I feel I am already on I miss him more then I ever thought was possible April 3, he would have been 33. Never in my life did I ever think I would be going through this.. I know at that minute when he was riding he was having the best time of his life. and I was told that 4 people appeared at the accident and were praying for him . I am praying and asking God to give me the strength to just get through one minute at a time I wish I could just have 1 more time with him just to hug and kiss his sweet face. I will forever miss my beautiful son but I have 5 grandchildren that he loved so dearly and I found out my daughter in law had donated his organs so I pray somewhere out there he is helping someone have a life. God Bless each and every one of you that are walking the same path I am , It's just one day at a time. Brenda

Brenda,

I lost my daughter on Nov. 22, 2011. She was just 33 too, and has two little girls. There was no physical reason for this healthy, joy-filled young woman to go- she just went to sleep and didn't wake up. Like you, I thought this has to be a bad dream or I'm going crazy...maybe both. I never thought one could experience that kind of pain and survive. I prayed to die, too. When I thought of the rest of my life without this amazing woman, it filled me with fear. I still have those moments when I cry so hard that it turns my stomach and makes my ribs hurt, and I pray for God to give me some peace. And you know what? He does.

In spite of anything you might read or hear, there are no hard and fast rules about grief. Your way will be your way. Allow yourself this, and give yourself time and patience. Don't be afraid to pull your family close and let the love of all of you, and your son, sustain you and comfort you. One day, one step, one breath, is enough.

I found my faith gave me a strength I never even suspected I had. God has helped me hold up my other children and my husband. My younger daughter, especially, has been devastated by this. And God has held me up.

You will be told dozens of times, as I have been, that "he is in a better place", until you want to scream. But here is the truth- this is not our real life and you can know with absolute faith that he IS in a better place, loving you, watching over you and waiting for you. When Chrissy left, I cursed God and blamed Him and hated Him for taking her, but in time, He reminded me that I couldn't possibly love her more than He does, nor has she ever been more mine that His. Chrissy was an amazing Christian warrior, and she is just where she should be right now. The way I see it, the strongest member of our family has the ear of the Creator of the universe, every day! It may take a long time for you to be able to see the wonder of having your son in your life for the time you did, but that's ok- God is patient.

Your son has given life to others even as he is gone home. What a wonderful blessing. Perhaps one of those will make a difference that will change the world!

Dear one, please be kind to yourself. You deserve it for giving the world such a wonderful young man. Keep posting his pictures and talking about him. All of us here WANT to know about him.

Much love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Hello Everyone,~~~I have been very busy lately, but did want to say hi. I have kept up reading every day.I wanted to wish a belated Happy Heavenly Birthday to ERICA, I know her love was shining down on you that day as every day Dee.~~~~Linda, I am so glad you finally found this thread. In the beginning, I, and a couple of others had told you about this thread. But I think it was such a difficult time for you that it may have been confusing. Anyway, I am so very happy that you have made your way to this thread now. You will find much love and support, and many who care and comfort you. I have been reading your posts daily and thinking of you. I am sorry your son did that on Easter. My heart is with you. ~~~~Kate, thank you for thinking of me. Yes we had a wonderful Easter. I surprised my kiddos with baskets and small gifts. In addition to candy we put gifts such as ITunes cards, shower gel, car wash, hairbrushes, suntan lotion etc. They LOVED them!! Hubby and I snuck into their rooms early in the morning while they were sleeping and left them where they would see them upon waking. They were thrilled with the surprise. Then for my 30 year old daughter, she came over around 11, we bought a colorful party tub she would be able to use later by her pool and I filled it with candy and magazines, iTunes card etc. She was also thrilled. So all of my kids I think felt like they had their old mom back, because those are the types of creative things I used to do for my kids before Rachael died. It is not that I have not done anything like that since Rachael died, But I enjoyed it in a way that I have not since Rachael died. Hubby and I filled the baskets together and had great fun. Hubby was happy to see the old me again too.~~~~~~~~~~Then my 18yo son likes to cook and insisted he cook Easter dinner, and he did!! He would not allow me or anyone else to help. He cooked the entire meal, and he is a very good cook. So that was also enjoyable and everyone enjoyed his cooking. He takes a culinary arts class in high school.~~~~~~~~~~So I think it was one of the nicest holidays for us and our family continues to heal from our great loss of sister and daughter, but Sunday was a nice day!~~~~~~~~~~Robyn, I was so glad to see you and be encouraged by your sweet spirit.~~~~~To everyone else, Carol, Trudi, Betsy, Betty, Gretchen, Susan, Becky, Vivien, and all others, and I am sorry for the newbies that you are here, but I am lad you have found us. And you are in my thoughts and I read all of your posts every day. My heart is with you.~~~~~~Oh, one more thing. Last week when we went for the 2nd opinion for Carson in Dallas. We had a wonderful, responsible surgeon. I think it was Carol, (thank you Carol, if it was someone else I apologize), who had given me wonderful counsel about seeking a 2 nd opinion and told me of her experience. Anyway, there is no other way to say it, but............the first doctor must be a quack. This surgeon in Dallas knew what the first doctor had told us, and she spent over an hour teaching us what she was looking at on the EKG etc., all to show us why Carson DID NOT have to have surgery. She said it was not the first time she has disagreed with that particular doctor. She also outlined why there would never be the risk taken during surgery (if he did get it) that would cause Carson to ever need a pacemaker. Her diagnosis was 180 degrees opposite what that first doctor told us.~~~~~Now all of this was going on while DFW was getting hit by 12 tornadoes that day! My kids were at school and work going into lock downs and precautions being taken. It was a very crazy day. But we are so thankful Carson is fine, and will NOT get surgery, and WILL NOT be put on heart medication. Very, very thankful.~~~~~~~LOVE,MADDY❤

Dear Maddy,

Praise God about the news on Carson!! I'm so glad!

It sounds like you had an easter like ours! All I wanna know, is when did the Easter bunny become Santa???? Stuffed bunnies, chocolate bunnies, Peeps, Fisher-Price....good grief! I loved it! Our son did the cooking, too. He has a new grill and will waste no excuse to use it! He's pretty good!

It's wonderful to find that bit of joy coming back, isn't it?

Love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Dear ones,

I won't be posting again for a few days- going in for a cholecystectomy tomorrow morning . No big, but they are giving me general anes. and I know I'm going to be a miserable cuss for a few days!

But I will be thinking about all of you, and of course, you will be in my prayers.

Love,

Robyn

[BrendaDup59]

Dear ones,

I won't be posting again for a few days- going in for a cholecystectomy tomorrow morning . No big, but they are giving me general anes. and I know I'm going to be a miserable cuss for a few days!

But I will be thinking about all of you, and of course, you will be in my prayers.

Love,

Robyn

thank you for your wonderful words you posted to me , I will pray for you and I will try and write about my Brian , Love Brenda

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Praying for you!

Dear ones,

I won't be posting again for a few days- going in for a cholecystectomy tomorrow morning . No big, but they are giving me general anes. and I know I'm going to be a miserable cuss for a few days!

But I will be thinking about all of you, and of course, you will be in my prayers.

Love,

Robyn

[tobyfreefoot]

brenda-amazing! as new as you are you have jumped right in to comfort someone else. this forum touches my heart in so many ways everyday.

linda-i have become good friends with some of forest's friends. it feels like i have extended my family. many of the kids are having such a hard time. it helps me feel close to forest. i'm so glad you have "adopted" these kids that are in need of family.

becky and robyn-the pictures are awesome!

maddy-oh i love your old self!! don't you know rachael is so happy to see your sorrow lifting! i know forest would hate his death being the cause of so much grief. the news about carson is great! so glad all your family was safe during the tornadoes i am in oklahoma and was watching as those semis were flying around. yikes!

dee-always look forward to hearing from you. you are such a help to those of us with less time at this

it is beautiful out today. i started back to work last night (11pm-7:30am) so i should be in bed but i've been planting flowers instead. i hope all of you have azure skies to look up at as you breathe in the essence of your loved ones which surely must be all around us. thinking of you all and hoping the love for your lost child is blessing your life in spite of the pain.

i don't know who put the list of books up awhile back but am really getting much needed affirmations from walsch's "home with god". whoever that was thank you so much!

[tobyfreefoot]

whoops

[tobyfreefoot]

i don't know if i posted this but here is a pic of madelyn dayne ready for bed ha ha!! looks like it could be awhile. i am going to babysit her for the first time friday while my daughter and son in law get some counseling

[Amber37]

http://vimeo.com/37099082 Not sure if I posted this before. This is my Adrianna. She was pursuing her dancing career in L.A. I know she's dancing in Heaven now but I want her here with me dancing!

[mrsduc]

You will be alright but will be thinking of you and praying for a fast recovery.

Praying for you!

[mrsduc]

I am not doing too well emotionally and physically today. Its not like I want to boo hoo day. Its a blah and hurting day. I had surgery on my foot for the third time last year and they said that they were going to cut and bury the nerve so it would die. they told me i would never be able to feel anything on the left side of my foot and up my ankle again and to be very careful when walking especially barefoot. Well that was a lie. I kept going back to her and she finally told me that I must be insane that without that nerve I am not feeling the same pain I felt before surgery and that there was nothing else I can do for you. Well I know that I am not insane because I know what is real and not real. I have dentures on my upper gums and sometimes I do not wear them and sometimes I can still feel that they are there and I can feel a toothache and I know that is impossible. That is fathom pain. My foot is not fathom pain. It hurts to walk it hurts to lay any pressure on it. But besides that I have my eye and I am having to now prepare myself for surgery and for the next days until surgery on Friday I have to spray Afrin up my right nostril twice a day and in the morning of surgery. I do not understand why. Can anyone tell me if the eye duct and the sinus pressure could possible be the same thing. Because since I have been using it and it was the first time this morning I can feel all this stuff coming down into my nose and I am blowing out stuff almost constantly and the pressure all in my head and eye like I am stopped up. So I wonder to myself if I spray all this stuff out why have the surgery. But I do know that the surgeon told me that I most likely had this before and not known it because it was not as bad as it is now and then said that it would come back with my eye duct clogging and my face swelling and looking like someone had punched again and again. So am dealing with all of this today and it has exhausted me. I am so low anyway and now having to try and take care of myself which is not something that I do since Robert died. I just do not care to begin with. But I do know that since I am not dead yet, I know for a fact that I do not want that pain from an eye duct clog again. That is so painful. I know that this is not a grieving topic. Sorry

[BrendaDup59]

http://vimeo.com/37099082 Not sure if I posted this before. This is my Adrianna. She was pursuing her dancing career in L.A. I know she's dancing in Heaven now but I want her here with me dancing!

I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter , she passed 1 month to the day before I lost my handsome son to a motorcycle accident. 3-17-12.. I know what you mean, sometimes the pain is so unbearable . I was up until 2 am this morning crying my heart out . I am having trouble just getting out of bed , but I have to I have his little brother Kaleb to raise . I will pray for you . Brenda

[BrendaDup59]

I don't know how to deal with the images I keep having ? I cant get seeing Brian in the coffin , or picturing his accident as I think it happened then I feel this unbearable feeling of sadness I feel like I cant breath I just cannot believe this has happened! Brian would call me all the time because he lived an hour and 45 minutes away I would get calls when he was hunting and up in a deer stand, on his way to a job interview, at a tailgate party, and one of the last ones when Brian and Traci went out to dinner without the kids with some friends , he took a smoke break outside and called me and talked about all the different kinds of foods he had tried that night and how he had eaten so much he had to stand , I miss his calls so much, I miss my son so badly I can hardly type for crying, and to make things worse is to have my 28 year old son Brett go off on my sister the day after Brian's funeral , the hurtful things he said ,and accused me of are just unbelievable, I have always been there for my boys , I felt Brett pulling away from my side of the family for awhile, unfortunately he married someone who thrives on drama , but I have always tried to keep the peace with her so I could be apart of my grand-children's lives , but Brett is not talking to me. When he went off on my sister it started because both of my sisters told Brett he needed to be there for me , and he didn't like that, I know Brett is dealing with his own grief since he was not talking to his brother when he died, over money, I had hoped he would let go of what ever anger he had and we could be there for each other well I was wrong , you would think after losing his brother, family would mean more , I just don't even know who he has turned into and it hurts so much to know he doesn't love me enough to be here for me or my family or for us to be there for him ,I will always love my son I just wish he would grow up and act like the man I know he can be.but I think as long as she is in his life I wont be able to be apart of his or my grand children. what makes me really angry is he made it about him and it's not.. it's about Brian . and grieving my sons loss. Brian would have been so surprised at how many people he really touched , the line went out the door of the funeral home to pass his coffin , people were lined up around the room, his friends are putting on a benefit this Saturday for my DL and grand children, so many people have given things to raffle off , even the Cincinnati Reds team donated 4 tickets to the May game I could go on , Brian had no idea how loved and missed he is, especially by 2 my mom and I loved him unconditionally . I look at his children and my heart breaks that they will not have him as they grow up . but Brian has come to every one of them Jordan the 4 year old is really having a hard time . he has said his daddy came and took him to the park and to McDonald's and when it got dark he brought him home and went back to heaven, when my Dl was walking to his grave she had Jaci in a carrier well Jaci does this high 5 and all the sudden she kept doing that as they walked . I could just keep telling you things the kids have said, so I am confident Brian is watching over them. sorry this is so long and Thank you for your kind words . Brenda

[Maddy6]

Brenda,I am so very, very sorry for your heartbreak and your loss. We are with you supporting you through this pain and tragedy. We know the raw pain you are feeling. I have typed messages to this site while weeping many a day and night. That is okay. We all understand and we know your pain. We "get" it. Your son Brett is dealing with his own grief issues and may also have guilt since he was not speaking to his brother when he died. He is in much pain and may feel overwhelmed and confused. In a family, everyone has a certain place and an order. When one is lost, everyone has to learn their new position and role. He may feel overwhelmed and scared at what his new position is and covering it with anger. One of my son's who was easy going and laid back has become angry since he lost his sister. He was the closest to her and it deeply affected him. The fallout of grief in my children's lives has been very difficult for me to watch. It is 4 1/2 years now and the terrible pain has subsided. I would still say we are in recovery mode. We probably were slower at healing than others, as we were just recovering from relocating to Texas and living for a year in a hotel when she died. I thought I could not live again. Many a day I walked around feeling I was in someone else's body and I was disassociated from this world, I was alive physically, yet dead inside. It is still very early for you. You need to be kind to yourself. We are here for you and we want to support you. We care and you are not alone. Allow yourself to grieve and realize the world does not, and will not, 'get' it. All of us have experienced a similar loss and we 'get' it. We will be here for you to listen, comfort, and care. Come back as often as you need to. Write and tell us whatever you need to. We are here for you. I, and many others read every day. We are listening and there for you.~~~~~~LOVE,MADDY

[Maddy6]

maddy-oh i love your old self!! don't you know rachael is so happy to see your sorrow lifting! i know forest would hate his death being the cause of so much grief. the news about carson is great! so glad all your family was safe during the tornadoes i am in oklahoma and was watching as those semis were flying around. yikes!REPLY:

GRETCHEN, Thank you so very much. What you said about my daughter being happy o see my sorrow lifting helped me so, so much! I had not thought of that. I also admire your attitude and your strength. I marvel that your loss is so recent, yet you reach out to me and help me and others. You are an amazing woman and Forrest is proud of you I am sure!~~~~~and yes, those tornadoes that day were incredible! Are you close to the DFW area in Oklahoma?LOVE, MADDY

[mrsduc]

BrendaUp.

I want you to know that I truely understand how you feel and what you are going with with your other son. I ask you to go and take the time and read alot of the post that I have written that I have poured out my life and things that have been going on and have gone on so that you will really know that I truely do know how you feel. I am so sorry and I wish I could make it better for and everyone on this sight. None of us want to be on this new road that God has decided that we are to be on. For whatever reason our children were the chosen ones to be taken home and we are left to grieve for them. But remember that your child loved you and you know he knew you loved him. He would not be calling you while he was hunting or out with friends if he didn't. And remember that you and you alone were the one out of all the women in the world that God chose to be his mother. Just like me I was the lucky one to be Robert's mother out of all the women in the world, even if it was for only 32 years. I hope you know what I mean. You must try to rest as much as you can and I promise you like they told me the deep pain that you are feeling will soon subside and you will become numb and possible empty inside. But the most important thing to remember is his love he had for you and the love he knew you gave him.

I don't know how to deal with the images I keep having ? I cant get seeing Brian in the coffin , or picturing his accident as I think it happened then I feel this unbearable feeling of sadness I feel like I cant breath I just cannot believe this has happened! Brian would call me all the time because he lived an hour and 45 minutes away I would get calls when he was hunting and up in a deer stand, on his way to a job interview, at a tailgate party, and one of the last ones when Brian and Traci went out to dinner without the kids with some friends , he took a smoke break outside and called me and talked about all the different kinds of foods he had tried that night and how he had eaten so much he had to stand , I miss his calls so much, I miss my son so badly I can hardly type for crying, and to make things worse is to have my 28 year old son Brett go off on my sister the day after Brian's funeral , the hurtful things he said ,and accused me of are just unbelievable, I have always been there for my boys , I felt Brett pulling away from my side of the family for awhile, unfortunately he married someone who thrives on drama , but I have always tried to keep the peace with her so I could be apart of my grand-children's lives , but Brett is not talking to me. When he went off on my sister it started because both of my sisters told Brett he needed to be there for me , and he didn't like that, I know Brett is dealing with his own grief since he was not talking to his brother when he died, over money, I had hoped he would let go of what ever anger he had and we could be there for each other well I was wrong , you would think after losing his brother, family would mean more , I just don't even know who he has turned into and it hurts so much to know he doesn't love me enough to be here for me or my family or for us to be there for him ,I will always love my son I just wish he would grow up and act like the man I know he can be.but I think as long as she is in his life I wont be able to be apart of his or my grand children. what makes me really angry is he made it about him and it's not.. it's about Brian . and grieving my sons loss. Brian would have been so surprised at how many people he really touched , the line went out the door of the funeral home to pass his coffin , people were lined up around the room, his friends are putting on a benefit this Saturday for my DL and grand children, so many people have given things to raffle off , even the Cincinnati Reds team donated 4 tickets to the May game I could go on , Brian had no idea how loved and missed he is, especially by 2 my mom and I loved him unconditionally . I look at his children and my heart breaks that they will not have him as they grow up . but Brian has come to every one of them Jordan the 4 year old is really having a hard time . he has said his daddy came and took him to the park and to McDonald's and when it got dark he brought him home and went back to heaven, when my Dl was walking to his grave she had Jaci in a carrier well Jaci does this high 5 and all the sudden she kept doing that as they walked . I could just keep telling you things the kids have said, so I am confident Brian is watching over them. sorry this is so long and Thank you for your kind words . Brenda

[ericasmom]

Linda, you can talk about the things that go on in your life, you needn't stay on the topic of loss alone, we have lives that intertwine and cause upsets and cause some joys, talking about those is our conversation, our grief is ever-present, so don't apologize for the conversation. By the way, yes, the spray for the nose will un-clog some of what is impacted in your sinus and they directly affect our eyes and ears and all areas where sinus can drain. Afrin, when my docs use it for me, is only used for two days I think, as they said it then has the ability to be part of the problem, so it is used in very short time frames. The surgery? I don't know why that is...did they try antibiotics first to help, or a netti-pot?

Thanks Gretchen for your sweet words.

Robyn, I do hope that your time in the hospital is short and painless.

Brenda, so glad that your Boy has let the kids know that he is nearby...those are the signs that so many need to understand that while we can't see and touch them, they are just beyond our reach, behind a veil, always near. As far as the images replaying over and over, that happens to many of us, it did me too, for some months and then I had to work on stopping the repetition as it became a habit and for a time I felt that if I didn't have it on a loop it might mean that I would forget Erica, or that I would be letting her go, but I learned that infact, I would have more room inside me for the good stuff, the wonderful Eri things to remember if I gave up the constant loop of the accident and her funeral. So for now, it may be necessary to view this but you may need to do something to help yourself change that habit. I went to therapy at around 6 months on the journey, there I learned some good tools in which to use when I was struggling most. I am sorry that your Son Brett is not able to reach out during this very hard time, but at this point, you need to take care of you, and hopefully he will find his way back to you.

Sleep tight All

[Maddy6]

Robyn, Will be thinking of you and praying for you. Get well soon :-) And yes, the Easter Bunny did become Santa!! LOL I realized I could do whatever my heart desired to show my kids some much needed lovin on and so yep, I did !! And hubby has never liked the Easter candy thing cause of the candy and wellllll he was just thrilled to see his wife back in action So there is life emerging again!Brenda, yes, I also wanted to tell you that I did that too with the images. I would wake up in the middle of the night tormented by images of my daughter in the coffin etc. As I recovered It got better. I did not go to therapy and probably should have.Linda, I am so happy to see you on this thread where others can reach out to you, although I am sorry for the reason that you are here. I am also sorry for the physical discomforts you are having. And yes, like Dee said, you can talk about whatever you like. In the beginning I posted constantly on here and was worried I had exhausted some limit. I was so encouraged when Dee told me I could post as much as I needed to. Linda, we are here for you and we know your pain. We will listen and we care. Post as much as you like about whatever you need to talk about. It must be so difficult for you right now to have these painful discomforts while your heart is broken over Robert. I will pray for you for everything to go well on Friday. Dee, nice to see you and enjoyed your posts last week with your beautiful poetic writing also. When Trudi posted a picture of the moon, the same beautiful moon was here last Friday and I thought of you and the 'orb' you described with the moonlight when I saw it.~~~~~~~~Our family has gotten a new kittenand who would think that 4 teenage/young men would go gaga over it, but they are. The dogs are making/playing with the kitten and it is all great fun!!LOVE, MADDY

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all...I am really, really tired but have not been able to sleep a lot these past few days. I just wanted to stop in and let you all know that I read every day, and you are all in my prayers. I know there are new people here and I must tell you that I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I am so glad that you have found this site. We are here for you; those of us who have been traveling this road for a while now know that being here has saved many of us...no, actually all of us. As I think back, I do believe that everyone here has said at one point or another that being here not only helped them through, but has actually helped to save their sanity. Being able to speak to those who have gone before you can sometimes help us make it through a difficult day, or hour, or few minutes. We all share the same thing...the loss of our child, and this gives us an immediate connection and that connection gives us all strength.

Robyn, wishing you luck with your surgery. My daughter just had the same thing a week or so ago and she is feeling better every day. They were able to do it laparoscopically, so they were able to avoid the incision, which is what usually gives her a huge problem with the healing. Let us know how you aredoing.

LINDA....I am so very, very sorry for all of the physical pain you are experiencing. I have found that sometimes, in this new emotional state that in those first years is so "always there," any physical pain was very intensified. I can't explain it, but I know that I experienced it. I agree with Dee about your sinus problem; likely the spraying is cleaning things out to get ready for the surgery. I wish you the best with it and you will be in my prayers. Your precious Robert will be with you, and his spirit will surround you with a love that I pray you will feel all the way through to your heart. Also as Dee said, please don't feel that you cannot or should not discuss any problems here other than your grief...the problems we have are part of our lives, and sometimes we need to be able to discuss them with others who are in the same emotional status that we are in, so that we can feel understood and feel comforted. And also, I truly believe that Robert somehow had a hand in your call from James. You seem to have gotten much comfort from your talk with him.

AMBER: we also,have a stone similar to the stone Becky has for JD. We have a picture on it that was taken of Mike when he was in Costa Rica, on a school trip. It was one of his favorite times in his life. I don't have it on my tablet, so can't post it from here, but will post it tomorrow. It is still the same as when we first put his stone in place.

SUSAN: glad that you too were able to have a good Easter and thus so did your family. Very sweet, and they, I am sure, truly appreciated your efforts.

BRENDA: I am so sorry about what you are experiencing with your son, Brett. It does indeed sound as though he may be dealing with a lot of guilt and this may indeed be feeding his anger. I hope that he will perhaps seek help and find understanding of his feelings and a way to deal with them other than turning them into anger towards those who love him. I am truly sorry about the loss of Brian. My heart holds you close.

MADDY: good luck with the new kitten...they can be so much fun. I am very glad for you that you had a good Easter. It was me who suggested the second opinion for Carson. I am so very glad that you took him somewhere else, and so very glad that he did not need surgery. You sound so very happy about that turnabout, and rightly so. I am glad that you had such a wonderful Easter and that your family feels as though they are connecting with you again, and you with them. Wonderful! Rachael is smiling and happy for you and very proud of all of you, I'm sure.

GRETCHEN: Your sweet granddaughter is so adorable. Thank you for sharing her with us...it brought a smile to my heart seeing her precious face.

KATHY: prayers for Barry and all of the other firefighters. We are all so grateful for all they do. the forest fires are so much more than last year. And, yes, of course sweet Jess was making sure that Tavian knew his grandpa was okay.

I know there are others I had wanted to speak to, but I am finally feeling sleepy and so I will go and try to hit my pillow before that sleepy feeling goes away. I will come back tomorrow and write more.

Love to all...

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, sorry to read that you are not sleeping well. Do take care of yourself and try to get some rest. I am glad that Maddy decided to take your advice and seek another opinion. The outcome was excellent.

Maddy...you do my heart good to read your upbeat posts. It is just lovely to see that you are feeling more like your old self. I'm sure sure the entire family will come to love their new pet!

Robyn...wishing you a speedy recovery and hope all goes well.

Dee...all the best.

Susan...how did the talk go for Regan with her school? I hope I got the dates right.

Linda...I truly hope you will find some degree of peace in your day today.

To all those who are new on this journey... I hope that you will take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. That even when you feel at your darkest you can always come here to talk to those who truly understand. There are no short cuts through this grief process. It takes tremendous effort and strength to walk straight through the the middle of it. And it takes time and patience.

Just returned from walking my dog. Woke up this morning to a brilliant sky. Intense blue with a lovely warm sun glistening on the lake. Up at the crack of dawn, as hubby was off to Calgary on business, for the day. Early morning is by far my favourite time of the day. Looks like a lovely day shaping up. Thinking of all of you.

Kate

[mikesmomrs]

Kate: thank you for your good words. I am going to try to rest some today. I am not going to the gym today as hubby is not feeling up to it. Just one of those "off" days for him, and I don't want to leave him here by himself.

The weather up there for today sounds like it will be delightful. Here it was supposed to be raw and raining, but it has been sunny/cloudy and on the warmer side (up to 55 now). I hope you have a good day.

You are right, Kate, there are definitely no short cuts through this grief process.

To all...thinking of you as always. Thank you all so very much for being here (though I truly wish none of us, or anyone, ever had to seek such a place).

[BrendaDup59]

Hi , well I probably hurt my sisters feelings! she called asking what I was doing well I happen to be reading my sons Face Book page from when he was still alive all the things he posted , and she said " that is not going to help you all your doing is keeping your self depressed!, and torn up , well I told her I was already depressed , I just get mad when someone tells me what they think I should or should not do when it comes to Brian, I didn't mean to sound hateful but it's gets to where I don't want to tell them anything . I was on my computer looking at his pictures and reading things people write on his page and my husband says "you need to put that stuff down your just upsetting yourself!.. well I didn't like that either I know he meant well . Mike has been wonderful ,he has been so supportive and I know he hates seeing me so upset all the time. I find it's so hard to just be a good mom to Kaleb, my 9 year old meaning I am not happy, I know he sees me cry all the time and I feel so bad I love my little boy so much but I am just having a hard time moving on . anyway I just wanted to thank all of you who have sent me messages they are greatly appreciated . Love Brenda

[tobyfreefoot]

Hi , well I probably hurt my sisters feelings! she called asking what I was doing well I happen to be reading my sons Face Book page from when he was still alive all the things he posted , and she said " that is not going to help you all your doing is keeping your self depressed!, and torn up , well I told her I was already depressed , I just get mad when someone tells me what they think I should or should not do when it comes to Brian, I didn't mean to sound hateful but it's gets to where I don't want to tell them anything . I was on my computer looking at his pictures and reading things people write on his page and my husband says "you need to put that stuff down your just upsetting yourself!.. well I didn't like that either I know he meant well . Mike has been wonderful ,he has been so supportive and I know he hates seeing me so upset all the time. I find it's so hard to just be a good mom to Kaleb, my 9 year old meaning I am not happy, I know he sees me cry all the time and I feel so bad I love my little boy so much but I am just having a hard time moving on . anyway I just wanted to thank all of you who have sent me messages they are greatly appreciated . Love Brenda

if it helps to know we (forest's best friend, sister and i and many of his other friends i have a feeling) look at forest's facebook and pictures on line all the time. my son in law recently sent me a thread of comments posted on a game site called cybernations that involved my son. his friend susan said she is going to print off his entire facebook before they change the format and we lose some of it. she is keeping her old phone because it has old texts. i lost mine just before he passed away so i only have one which was just that his car was broken down at the gas station. we troll the internet all the time trying to pick up any smidgeon of him we can. my boss put his hand across my son's picture and said " you need to get rid of this" i gasped "DON"T" out loud then cried all the way home. good heavens honey you just lost him. those of us that have suffered this know there is no way you can "move on" yet. actually i don't think it is moving on, more like assimilating it into your life. i think it is betsy that says her son is the "music in my heart" i was thinking about that last night while walking into work and it seems true. my son is ever present in my heart and all around the corners of my mind and in everything i look at. it is like he is the background music playing all the time. sometimes his song is the only focus but as time is going by i see how he is absolutely going to be with me every step i will ever take.

i don't know how you continue to parent your little one. my other children are grown and out of the house. i do know that i agree with you that it is important to be there for kaleb but right now i don't know how you can. maybe others can help. i imagine you are in that overwhelming terrible grief that is so all consuming. maybe letting kaleb know that you will get better but for awhile you have to feel very bad because you love brian as much as you love him and it just hurts so badly that he is gone, but like a bad injury it will slowly heal but it will leave a scar on your heart that will always remind you of him and your love. not advice-- just a thought of what i might do to let my child know not to worry his mom will be back. anyway thinking of you and hoping some others can give you their insights on this difficult situation.

[Maddy6]

Yes, Kate & Carol, I competely agree that there are no short cuts to this grief process. I believe I am a testament to that. I was in denial, or something, in the beginning, just couldn't deal with it, there was so much pain since the Katrina thing had just happened also. So I kept running full speed ahead to try to escape it. Here I am 4 1/2 years later dealing with what was too painful to deal with in the beginning. Grieve now, or grieve later. The grief will come, the processing of the tragic loss. Brenda, sisters mean well, it is just that when someone has not gone through this, they do not know. The desire to help you is what is there, so for that it is a good thing. My sister has told me some horrible things about my need to move on. I just listen and then I ignore her and forgive her because I know she has no idea what she is talking about. I guess you could say I became good at just listening, ignoring, and doing what I wanted to do anyway. They won't understand no matter how much you try to tell them anyway. Shoot, I wouldn't want them to be in my shoes to understand! We all need to grieve in our own way and we need the space and acceptance to do it. This support group has been a lifeline for so many of us. This is where we all understand, we care, we support each other.

LOVE,

Maddy

[ericasmom]

I agree with all that has been said here today...move at the pace you move, and it does not mean giving our Kids up, it does indeed mean assimilating to the new way that life has unfolded. Gretchen, good words to use with Kaleb, I work with third graders day in and out, we give them what they can handle, not more or less. They are quite wise, so tell them the truth but in increments perhaps, as they ask for more information. My students know that I have a daughter named Erica and that she died when she was 19. When they asked how, I told them in a car accident. Several years ago, when a child who knew more because his older brother went to the wake asked, " was Erica's car hit by a train?" I said, " yes." From there we simply talked about how to stay safe, how to live your best life, and how much a person is loved forever. It was not morbid or difficult for the kids. I have a photo of Eri up in my room surrounded by little messages that mean a lot to me. Each year the kids meet her this way.

Carol, I sure hope that this off day will just be one off day and that tomorrow is better for you both, you getting more sleep, Mike just feeling better. I am beat today, not sleeping well for a couple of nights sure does catch up with you. I think I went to bed with too much on my mind and so I kept waking up for long periods of time. I felt anxious all night. I am worried about my nephew, the young one who is addicted. Prayers for Matt as he heads to an outpatient program today for his first session.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee and Carol, sorry to see that you are both feeling a bit under today. Take care of yourselves. I hope that you will both be able to get that much needed rest at some point today.

Well, I decided to tackle a job I had been putting off for ages. Going through my MIL's things. I have only just completely finished Jeff's stuff and knew this also had to be tackled. As it happens we tucked her small suitcase in a spare room after she died and I did not even open it up until today. It had been at the hospital with her for two months. Out of the side of the luggage fell a pamphlet from the hospice nurses. I would like to share with you some of what it said. It was written by Iris M. Bolton in her book Beyond Surviving.

Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can.

Struggle with why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers.

Anger, guilt,confusion and forgetfullness are common responses. You are not losing your mind,you are grieving.

Beware you may feel anger at the person,at work, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it.

Remember to take one moment or one day at a time.

Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk.

Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing.

Give yourself time to heal.

Remember, the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another's life.

Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be only experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece.

Try to put off major decisions.

Give yourself permission to get professional help.

Be aware of the pain of your family and friends.

Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand.

Set your own limits and learn to say no.

Know that there are support groups that can be helpful

Call on personal faith to help you through

It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief,e.g. headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep.

The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing.

Wear out questions,anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go does not mean forgetting.

Know you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond hust surviving.

Caring is at the heart of what it means to be human. We all spend a lot of time and our energy worrying about what will happen to us. Life has a way of teaching us that it's not what happens to us that is the most important...but the response that we make. In facing death we will come to see that alongside the suffering and even horror that surrounds it there is a depth of humanity to be discovered that can not be found elsewhere.

"What we once enjoyed and deeply loved, we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller

I hope that by printing what I found today in Beyond Surviving it may help a few of you who are struggling with this process today. Take care.

Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

LOOK!! I got this phone call a moment ago!!

my son logan who graduated in december when forest was 'spose to graduate will be able

to go through the spring convocation also so he will still get to graduate with his brother!!!