Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Morning Everyone, I woke up this morning to a fantastic blue sky. The sun is shining brightly and they are calling for the next several days of 23C.

Carol, I hope that you and KIm were able to get a decent sleep last night. You must have been exhausted after several days of anticipation and strain. Please say "HI" to Ralph for me and tell him I am really pleased that the surgery was a success!

I'm thinking of everyone today and hoping you are all keeping well and taking good care of yourselves.

Kate

[westleysmom]

Carol-I hope you got some rest and that Mike did too. I'm with Trudi if we're voting. Sending prayers for healing.

It is a sad day, one of many to come, for a friend of a friend and I am asking for your prayers for the family of Jacob Schwalley, killed in Afghanistan yesterday or the day before. He was in the Army, and the same age as Westley. That is all that I know right now, his mother and somebody I work with used to work together and live in the same neighborhood. I may have spelled his name wrong. One of that bunch of boys that grew up together is getting married Saturday, and there will also be a funeral. So sad and so senseless. So much death. I don't know if it makes it any easier to bear if your child dies in the service of his country, but somehow I doubt it. I think they have decided to bury him in Arlington, he was stationed out of Fort Bragg I believe. He leaves his mother and father and a sister to mourn him, and many friends. And hopefully, a grateful country.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I am so sorry for your friend, for her loss, for her Boy who had so much more to do, but he will do what he needs from his new home, and Westley will be nearby. There is a soldier buried near Eri, he died the following year, In the war like your friend, he made it to his 20th birthday, unlike Erz. His birthday is two days after Eri. Sean Christopher will also help pull your friend's boy up.

Carol, I imagine your heart and head are swimming in the glut of information coming to you and all I can pray for right now is your getting some rest, some time with Mike, and a sense of calm.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

So very relieved for Carol and Mike!! I agree with Maddy, that it could be longer than the 2 years. My older sister had a cancerous brain tumor that they weren't sure she would make it through surgery, and she did, although they couldn't get it all either, and she still had to do more radiation, but she is still kicking, and it's been 18 years! A lot of prayers as well as what the doctors did, so keep the faith!

I went for my appointment today, and I do have to have neck surgery. They have now ordered a CT to see how extensive the bone spurs and deterioration are to decide which surgery, either a fusion of three, or to take out the middle vertebrae altogether. First would be 3 month recovery, and the second would be 6 months. He doesn't want me to put it off, as he said the compression is serious enough that a fall could do great damage. No ladders, and got to teach hubby to use the zero turn mower... oh lord....

This is the nicest surgeon ever, he is a brain surgeon, but does these neck operations frequently with good success. When we were done talking about me, I asked if he could take a minute to explain Jared's autopsy report to me, as there was so much medical terminology that I hadn 't been able to find by googling it. He not only read the whole report, but took an hour of his time to sit and explain things to me and to just talk to me about losing Jared. He explained that the amount of force it took to cause the fractures not only to his cervical spine, but to his skull, would have immediately shut down his lungs and heart, and that he would not have felt anything. Thank GOD for that! So, I leave, knowing I face surgery, and a long recovery, but very calm, knowing that my baby didn't suffer. It also restored my faith in the goodness of man, for between showing me my MRI and talking to me about me, and then Jared, I was at the office for 2 hours! About 15 minutes of that was filling out paperwork, and the rest with this kind doctor. I know Jared was smiling.

[ericasmom]

Becky, I am relieved that you found a good doctor to discuss so many things with. That you need surgery does not surprise me, knowing that the compression is what is causing your arm and shoulder pain. Eri and Jon's Dad had surgery to the spine, I believe that they fused his and he did very well with it. He was no longer in that deep pain and his recovery was uneventful. So I hope that you can do this soon and get it behind you spending summer time to heal. I am very glad for your Doc taking the time to go in depth with your loss of Jared. What a good soul. I hope that the measure of peace you feel carries over into the next day and the next.

[summergirl]

I am voting with Trudi for the "long haul" Carol...so happy to hear that things went well...you and Ralph have been on my mind...hugging you both

Things are better around this house...hubby and I are taking it slow and working it out, after 38 years of marriage neither of us want to "let go"....We have been though some rough pot holes through the years and the loss of a child can make or break a marriage....Losing Jessica, raising Tavian has put a strain on our weary souls but we will see the sunshine again. Tavian is a blessing and neither one of us could imagine life without him but it is hard sometimes....Right now he is sitting on the couch reading his book and he just looks so cute !! But there are days when he can zap my energy. Anyway, all will be well

Missing my Jessica so much as always....

Tavian at the Ocean on Sunday.....we had such a good time. It was chilly but that boy was determined to go for a swim so he rolled down the hill right into the water. Then he dug holes in the sand....reminds me why we are blessed to have him...

[Jeff's Mom]

So very relieved for Carol and Mike!! I agree with Maddy, that it could be longer than the 2 years. My older sister had a cancerous brain tumor that they weren't sure she would make it through surgery, and she did, although they couldn't get it all either, and she still had to do more radiation, but she is still kicking, and it's been 18 years! A lot of prayers as well as what the doctors did, so keep the faith!

I went for my appointment today, and I do have to have neck surgery. They have now ordered a CT to see how extensive the bone spurs and deterioration are to decide which surgery, either a fusion of three, or to take out the middle vertebrae altogether. First would be 3 month recovery, and the second would be 6 months. He doesn't want me to put it off, as he said the compression is serious enough that a fall could do great damage. No ladders, and got to teach hubby to use the zero turn mower... oh lord....

This is the nicest surgeon ever, he is a brain surgeon, but does these neck operations frequently with good success. When we were done talking about me, I asked if he could take a minute to explain Jared's autopsy report to me, as there was so much medical terminology that I hadn 't been able to find by googling it. He not only read the whole report, but took an hour of his time to sit and explain things to me and to just talk to me about losing Jared. He explained that the amount of force it took to cause the fractures not only to his cervical spine, but to his skull, would have immediately shut down his lungs and heart, and that he would not have felt anything. Thank GOD for that! So, I leave, knowing I face surgery, and a long recovery, but very calm, knowing that my baby didn't suffer. It also restored my faith in the goodness of man, for between showing me my MRI and talking to me about me, and then Jared, I was at the office for 2 hours! About 15 minutes of that was filling out paperwork, and the rest with this kind doctor. I know Jared was smiling.

Becky, sorry to hear about the surgery...but if it gives you some relief then it is definitely worth it. The Doctor sounds like he is indeed a rare gem. Taking so much time with you to explain the autopsy report I hope helped you to feel some peace.

Carol, thinking of you as the day progressed. I hope you are getting some decent rest and taking care of yourself. All the best to Ralph.

Dee, thinking of you. Will the kids be planting the gardens soon?

Maddy hope your day was decent.

Not too sure how I feel about the upcoming Sunday event. Mother's Day to most. Guess it will be here before we know it. Can't wait for it to be over. The same as every special occasion since he died. I truly wish it was not like this. It is a sad fact of life. Guess we'll take flowers to the cemetery for my MIL and then to the site for Jeff. Am I the only one feeling this way?

Watched the finale of The Voice tonight. I was pleased with the outcome. Sending good thoughts to all who are struggling tonight. Take care.

Kate

[Susie_q512]

Haven't logged in for longer than I had realized. Too "unmotivated" to catch up on the posts.....maybe tomorrow? I'm still here. I still have a pulse....it's weak, but my heart's still beating. Saturday is my birthday, and then Sunday Mother's Day. A double whammy of a weekend coming up for me....two "firsts" back-to-back. Lost in memories. Praying for a sweet visit from my girl this weekend.....that would be the perfect gift. Take care. I'll try to check-in and catch-up tomorrow.

[Maddy6]

Hello Indigo family ~~~~~~~~~~~~~Becky, not surprised either about the surgery needed, but with so many postings from others saying they have, or know, or good success, that is very encouraging. Sooooo very happy for you about the doctor reading the autopsy report. What a wonderful doctor. When we find a doctor like that it is such a treasure. May he be richly blessed for the comfort and peace he provided for you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Kate, hope you had a good day. Please keep me posted about AI. We disconnected our UVerse to save money and prevent us from being couch potatoes. We still have Internet and Netflix. But no AI :-( what will I do now I cannot be a couch potato anymore ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dee, Are the kids getting excited as the end of school for the year draws near? My children are counting down. Another friend is counting downon FB. So fun and exciting to see their eagerness for summer holidays to begin ~~~~~~~~~~~~Rhonda, I am so sad and sorry for everyone who loves Jacob. I am so sorry for the pain and heartache it brings to you being so close. So young and it hurts me when I see it is a young soldier. My 5th born is joining the Marines when he graduates. It has been his dream since childhood. While the other kids were playing video games, he would be watching the military channel for fun. So I know this is his dream, and his life, but I must bottle up the fear and forget about it so I may enjoy today. I hope you are doing okay.~~~~~~~~~~~~Carol, prayers and thoughts to you and Mike. Let us know. I vote with Trudi also. ~~~~~~~~~~Gretchen, How is your dad? Is everything okay?~~~~~~~~~~~ Sherry, Thank you for your counsel and support, I appreciate it.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~All other Indigos, Leah, Susan, Colleen, Vivian, Betsy, Trudi, Betty and anyone I missed......thoughts and love are sent your way.LOVE, MADDY

[tobyfreefoot]

So very relieved for Carol and Mike!! I agree with Maddy, that it could be longer than the 2 years. My older sister had a cancerous brain tumor that they weren't sure she would make it through surgery, and she did, although they couldn't get it all either, and she still had to do more radiation, but she is still kicking, and it's been 18 years! A lot of prayers as well as what the doctors did, so keep the faith!

I went for my appointment today, and I do have to have neck surgery. They have now ordered a CT to see how extensive the bone spurs and deterioration are to decide which surgery, either a fusion of three, or to take out the middle vertebrae altogether. First would be 3 month recovery, and the second would be 6 months. He doesn't want me to put it off, as he said the compression is serious enough that a fall could do great damage. No ladders, and got to teach hubby to use the zero turn mower... oh lord....

This is the nicest surgeon ever, he is a brain surgeon, but does these neck operations frequently with good success. When we were done talking about me, I asked if he could take a minute to explain Jared's autopsy report to me, as there was so much medical terminology that I hadn 't been able to find by googling it. He not only read the whole report, but took an hour of his time to sit and explain things to me and to just talk to me about losing Jared. He explained that the amount of force it took to cause the fractures not only to his cervical spine, but to his skull, would have immediately shut down his lungs and heart, and that he would not have felt anything. Thank GOD for that! So, I leave, knowing I face surgery, and a long recovery, but very calm, knowing that my baby didn't suffer. It also restored my faith in the goodness of man, for between showing me my MRI and talking to me about me, and then Jared, I was at the office for 2 hours! About 15 minutes of that was filling out paperwork, and the rest with this kind doctor. I know Jared was smiling.

Your dr is so right about doing this surgery right away. i had back surgery after the compression in my spine had already caused some permanent nerve damage effecting my leg. i work with several people who have had a similar neck surgery that seems to have been very successful. i am so glad this doctor was so compassionate to you and gave you the kind of news that brings peace to your heart and relieves that terrible nagging wonder about jared.

[tobyfreefoot]

Haven't logged in for longer than I had realized. Too "unmotivated" to catch up on the posts.....maybe tomorrow? I'm still here. I still have a pulse....it's weak, but my heart's still beating. Saturday is my birthday, and then Sunday Mother's Day. A double whammy of a weekend coming up for me....two "firsts" back-to-back. Lost in memories. Praying for a sweet visit from my girl this weekend.....that would be the perfect gift. Take care. I'll try to check-in and catch-up tomorrow.

i'm so sorry. i also will be doing a double this weekend. saturday i will go on stage to receive forest's master's degree then mother's day. my first birthday was 19 days after he died.

[tobyfreefoot]

Hello Indigo family ~~~~~~~~~~~~~Becky, not surprised either about the surgery needed, but with so many postings from others saying they have, or know, or good success, that is very encouraging. Sooooo very happy for you about the doctor reading the autopsy report. What a wonderful doctor. When we find a doctor like that it is such a treasure. May he be richly blessed for the comfort and peace he provided for you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~Kate, hope you had a good day. Please keep me posted about AI. We disconnected our UVerse to save money and prevent us from being couch potatoes. We still have Internet and Netflix. But no AI :-( what will I do now I cannot be a couch potato anymore ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dee, Are the kids getting excited as the end of school for the year draws near? My children are counting down. Another friend is counting downon FB. So fun and exciting to see their eagerness for summer holidays to begin ~~~~~~~~~~~~Rhonda, I am so sad and sorry for everyone who loves Jacob. I am so sorry for the pain and heartache it brings to you being so close. So young and it hurts me when I see it is a young soldier. My 5th born is joining the Marines when he graduates. It has been his dream since childhood. While the other kids were playing video games, he would be watching the military channel for fun. So I know this is his dream, and his life, but I must bottle up the fear and forget about it so I may enjoy today. I hope you are doing okay.~~~~~~~~~~~~Carol, prayers and thoughts to you and Mike. Let us know. I vote with Trudi also. ~~~~~~~~~~Gretchen, How is your dad? Is everything okay?~~~~~~~~~~~ Sherry, Thank you for your counsel and support, I appreciate it.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~All other Indigos, Leah, Susan, Colleen, Vivian, Betsy, Trudi, Betty and anyone I missed......thoughts and love are sent your way.LOVE, MADDY

things seem to be settling down.. they finally gave him a shower after i stomped in and started quizzing-he'd been there 7 days! unbelievable that this place is in the top 19% of nursing homes in the state. also my job contacted me about my fmla because it was written for one day a week but i forgot as things went down hill so i might be in hot water there. i put my son marshall on the bus to san diego tonight to go see his best friend graduate from the marines. 27 hour and 6 buses! when i watched him file down the aisle looking for a seat i caught my breath and called my girlfriend crying. seeing just part of his body and hair through the window for a minute he looked just like forest. they both have that same tall lanky body and and longish hair. it just caught me off guard. the sweet thing was marshall was wishing i had a taser because he didn't want to leave me in the bus station without protection and made me park my car in a no parking zone so i wouldn't have to walk through the worst part of town. <3

[tobyfreefoot]

I am voting with Trudi for the "long haul" Carol...so happy to hear that things went well...you and Ralph have been on my mind...hugging you both

Things are better around this house...hubby and I are taking it slow and working it out, after 38 years of marriage neither of us want to "let go"....We have been though some rough pot holes through the years and the loss of a child can make or break a marriage....Losing Jessica, raising Tavian has put a strain on our weary souls but we will see the sunshine again. Tavian is a blessing and neither one of us could imagine life without him but it is hard sometimes....Right now he is sitting on the couch reading his book and he just looks so cute !! But there are days when he can zap my energy. Anyway, all will be well

Missing my Jessica so much as always....

Tavian at the Ocean on Sunday.....we had such a good time. It was chilly but that boy was determined to go for a swim so he rolled down the hill right into the water. Then he dug holes in the sand....reminds me why we are blessed to have him...

love the pics!!

[mikesmum]

Carol ~ Hoping you and Mike have managed to at least rest. I guess the quicker you are home the quicker you can recover...hospital is no place to be if you are recovering.

Becky ~ Sorry to hear about the need for surgery. But glad you found a surgeon with compassion and expertise.

Gretchen ~ Bittersweet time accepting the Masters for Forest, a proud moment. Aged care is such a dark area. I hope you are able to make your concerns known with an improvement in care for your dad.

Susan ~ Some days a pulse and being above ground is all we can manage....take your time. You might have noticed we aren't going anywhere. Sorry to hear you're down.

Dee ~ OMG school holidays already....any plans?? Rest, relax, read and just be I hope..

Kathy ~ Yes you certainly have had your share of 'testing' in these past years. I hope you and Barry find some 'couple' time...the time you need to reconnect and re-energise. Love the pics of Tavian....my goodness he has grown so much.

Rhonda ~ So tragic to lose your child overseas in service of your country. I think the losing is the hardest part. Another marker that our childrens friend's lives are moving forward... Don't know how I would feel about a child going into service having already lost one son.

Its Mothers Day here too on Sunday. I have one son gone, one son estranged and a daughter who might be working (nurse)....Might just take the dog out for brunch, buy myself some plants for the garden and just be.......

[westleysmom]

Kathy-I'm glad to hear that you and Barry are working it out. I can't imagine how hard it must have been and continues to be raising Tavian while you still mourn Jessica. Not that its not worth the effort that it takes, but I just know how weary I am most of the time. The curls are back! That boy is going to have the girls running their hands through them before you know it. Hugs

Susan-My birthday is next Tuesday, I think last year I called May the Trifecta of Trials or something like that, because I have my birthday (never on Mother's Day because its the 15th, and if its on Sunday, its the 3rd Sunday, and Mother's Day is the 2nd Sunday), Mother's Day, and my granddaughter's birthday, all days very much filled with memories of Westley that while they make me smile, its only through my tears. I hope the weekend goes as well as it can and I will be thinking of you. I have birthday and Mother's Day cards from Westley and I only allow myself to look at them on the day, I miss him so much.

Kate-I feel the same way, that holidays are my least happy days anymore because everybody else is so dang happy. I know its not true, (other people surely have sadness, even if they don't let on), but I still feel like I just wish it would get over with and I could go back to my regular days, crying when I feel like it, or whatever.

Becky-I think that kind of surgeon is who I'd want operating on my neck if I had to have it. I am so glad he was able to put your mind at ease somewhat about what Jared experienced. I never did find anybody who would talk to me much about Westley's autopsy report, but then again, I never actually read it through. I glanced at it, but just couldn't bring myself to read it entirely. Hope you can get on the mend soon.

Maddy-Westley had talked about joining the service, the Marines is how he was leaning. A recruiter came to the house once, but I wasn't there. But he never did go through with it. It must be very difficult to let your son or daughter go these days, with all the armed conflicts that we have going on around the world. Will your son graduate this time? Or is he younger?

Carol-Hope Mike is feeling better and you are getting your rest when you can. It is so hard when someone is in the hospital to feel like you have had any sleep at all. Hugs

Gretchen-Will be thinking of you too as you accept Forest's master's degree. I know it will be hard, but he will be so proud of you for doing it in his name. I'm sorry that your father is not getting good care and hope you are able to make headway with the facility that it will not be tolerated.

Dee-Hope you are doing okay with the end of the school year madness.

Have a good day all if you can, and if you don't, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of all of you today... as you try to get through another day. Working through health issues, etc. on top of everything can often seem so overwhelming. I can only say...hang in there. We have each other to vent with. Thank God, for that. Wishing everyone as best a day as is possible under the circumstances.

Another lovely say shaping up. Intense blue sky and a warm cheerful sun. Just about to take my dog for her stroll. Having some work done at our place and the noise is pretty loud. I plan to get out for the day and keep as busy as possible. Talk to you later.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Kathy-I'm glad to hear that you and Barry are working it out. I can't imagine how hard it must have been and continues to be raising Tavian while you still mourn Jessica. Not that its not worth the effort that it takes, but I just know how weary I am most of the time. The curls are back! That boy is going to have the girls running their hands through them before you know it. Hugs

Susan-My birthday is next Tuesday, I think last year I called May the Trifecta of Trials or something like that, because I have my birthday (never on Mother's Day because its the 15th, and if its on Sunday, its the 3rd Sunday, and Mother's Day is the 2nd Sunday), Mother's Day, and my granddaughter's birthday, all days very much filled with memories of Westley that while they make me smile, its only through my tears. I hope the weekend goes as well as it can and I will be thinking of you. I have birthday and Mother's Day cards from Westley and I only allow myself to look at them on the day, I miss him so much.

Kate-I feel the same way, that holidays are my least happy days anymore because everybody else is so dang happy. I know its not true, (other people surely have sadness, even if they don't let on), but I still feel like I just wish it would get over with and I could go back to my regular days, crying when I feel like it, or whatever.

Becky-I think that kind of surgeon is who I'd want operating on my neck if I had to have it. I am so glad he was able to put your mind at ease somewhat about what Jared experienced. I never did find anybody who would talk to me much about Westley's autopsy report, but then again, I never actually read it through. I glanced at it, but just couldn't bring myself to read it entirely. Hope you can get on the mend soon.

Maddy-Westley had talked about joining the service, the Marines is how he was leaning. A recruiter came to the house once, but I wasn't there. But he never did go through with it. It must be very difficult to let your son or daughter go these days, with all the armed conflicts that we have going on around the world. Will your son graduate this time? Or is he younger?

Carol-Hope Mike is feeling better and you are getting your rest when you can. It is so hard when someone is in the hospital to feel like you have had any sleep at all. Hugs

Gretchen-Will be thinking of you too as you accept Forest's master's degree. I know it will be hard, but he will be so proud of you for doing it in his name. I'm sorry that your father is not getting good care and hope you are able to make headway with the facility that it will not be tolerated.

Dee-Hope you are doing okay with the end of the school year madness.

Have a good day all if you can, and if you don't, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Rhonda, I know what you mean. I too feel so hollowed out on special occasions. This one is a hard one. I miss Jeff so much and my memories of past Mother's Days are still so fresh in my mind. Listening to friends discuss their plans as well as I am happy for them... I also feel a twinge of envy to be honest. But more then that... I feel so sad about his loss. We plan to go out for brunch on Sunday and then go for a long hike. It is supposedly going to be in the high 20'sC on Sunday. A lovely day for everyone.

[shorty16]

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear

A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother, as these days for her are hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know

Though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.

She thinks of ways to honor me, sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells

She still buys me gifts, and writes to me as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best

I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Brian’s Dad, Greg posted this on Beyond Indigo

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks, Greg...and thank you Colleen for taking the time to post this. It sure does pull at the old heart strings. And oh, how true!

Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you all for your concern for my surgery. I am working today trying to get some things done beforehand. It will be at least a month, because there are two more appointments I have to keep, nerve conduction and CT, then my appoinment back to the surgeon is June 13th. I will just have to be careful in the meantime.

Here is a song I wrote years ago, but the message I think is still relevant today.

I loved the mother's day poem from heaven! Anyone know who wrote it?

[ericasmom]

SChool lets out on June 1st, too soon in my opinion. We keep getting out earlier and earlier only to begin earlier in August when it is boiling outside and we are in, for the most part, an un-airconditioned building. I'd much prefer staying in school until June 10 or so and starting later. My classroom is so hot the first two weeks now that we begin so early, sometimes the room is 99 degrees, no breeze as our windows face east and we rarely get a breeze from the east. This is happening all around the USA due to wanting more time at the front end of the school year in order to get more info in the kids so that by March, when it is time to do the standardized tests, they have more info. WELL let me tell the fools who say this, that if it is 99 or 100 in the classroom, all that info you think that they are gettting is not getting to them, it is too DAMN hot for that. Way too much is based on tests in education these days and it is sad as there are so many wonderful opportunities to teach relevant material but we are made now, to teach toward the tests.

Well that is my rant...

I do love my summer break, but I will deeply miss this particular group, they are a handful and a half, but a loving group and we have enjoyed so many days together.

Mothers Day, Fathers Day, both very hard especially that first year. Be good to yourselves, set aside some time to do what you feel will be best for your spirit. My first Mom Day without Eri, Jonathan and I went to the zoo. That felt very special.

Susan, Rhonda, all of you with birthdays and anniversaries on top of Moms Day, one breath at a time.

Gretchen, the Masters Degree will be a very bittersweet moment, but I am so glad that they are honoring his work and his memory and presenting that to you.

Trudi, yep, the crazy run for the finish line has begun, we are trying to finish up our poetry collections, our space packets for science, get through one more unit in math...ARGH, and many fun trips and things as well. So much to do...

[daveydow1]

Hello Indigos.-------I hope I can get this post finished and posted.......I have LOTS of problems

with my computer........viruses??......corrupted files..... "error messages "..... many other warning-type messages,

so I hope to get it all straightened out......may have to get help from an expert.

Darlene-----I can so relate to your post about Omar's wedding, and the way everyone broke

down in tears when "Over the Rainbow" was played. Your sweet Ali was looking down

on his brother's big day with smiles for the entire family. I, too, had the heart-wrenching

experience of having my daughter's wedding just a few short weeks after my son, David,

was killed. It is, indeed, a bittersweet time......happy for one child.......yearning for the

one who left this world so soon. Peace & prayers, friend.

Becky-----Sorry to hear that you will have to have surgery. It's good that you have a very

good doctor who is willing to sit down and explain everything to you, and answer your

questions and concerns. Hoping that everything will turn out well, and that you will be

free of the pain and numbness you have had to endure.

Carol------So glad to hear that Ralph has the surgery behind him, and am sending prayers

that he will do well now. I know this must be a very stressful and fearful time for everyone

in the family. Hope you get some good rest.

Susan----Sending thoughts & prayers for you as your birthday and first Mother's Day without

your beloved sweet daughter nears. May her dear spirit keep close to you on these upcoming

days & weeks.

Rhonda----I can relate to what you said about West possibly joining the Marines, but ended up

not joining. That same thing happened to us with Dave. Recruiters were at the high school,

of course, hoping to get seniors signed up. David's dad was a Marine Corp. vet of the Vietnam

war., so Dave might have looked on that as an influence for his future. However, his dad was not

in favor of his joining.......being fearful of a child's safety in the military is so real.....with so

many wars going on....as you said. Dave ended up not joining the Marines or any other branch.

My husband was a bit rough on the recruiters. Vietnam veterans were not treated well after

their return. I guess that influenced my husbands outlook. Of course it was ultimately up to

Dave whether to join or not, but that's how it ended up.....with seemingly no regrets on Dave's

part. He didn't talk about it after those young years. Strange how we think and remember

those 'steps' in our dear child's lives, isn't it?...yet not so unusual.

Dee-----Rainy & stormy here, but everthing needs the rain.

Betty------Thanks so much for the Birthday wish of LISA, and for your thoughts of her.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I missed Baby Lisa's Birthday, I am so sorry.

LISA Dear, you are a sweet little Angel guiding the way for so many with your luminous smile. Bless your Little White Soul as your Momma says. May the day that marks your Birth resonate with you as it does with your sweet Momma.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all: this computer I am using is shutting down in 2 minutes for restart...I am just going to copy in the UPDATE that I did for Mike's Care Pages, and will post again later. (i know I have already posted some of this, so please forgive my repeating, I don't have time enough to edit)

Mike's surgery was cut short, after nearly 4 hours. They could not get the tumor out, as it was wrapped around an artery. One of the possibilities that the doctor had discussed with us earlier. It took them a long time to get to that point of the surgery, because they were having a lot of problems with his blood pressure during the surgery, and had to stop many times to stabilize him. The doctor said that if they had been able to get the tumor out, they would have been in there until 10:30 or so at night, because of having to stop so often. Also, he said that Mike’s recover time would have been extensive, and his quality of life during that time would not be optimal. Likely it would have been at least six months before he was feeling like himself again, if indeed he was able to reach that level of health again.

The really GOOD news was that he said there is NO further spreading of the tumor, and that he believes that the radiation treatment was successful in killing at least 80% of the tumor and that whatever cells are left, he believes, will be very slow growing. So, the bottom line to that is that Mike should likely have two more years or so, maybe a little less, maybe more. We are choosing the “maybe more” route and feeling very blessed. The doc had told us earlier that if he found further metastasis when he went in, that he could not do anything, and Mike would have about 6-12 months. However, he now says that because there was NO evidence of any spreading, he feels that the two year scenario is more likely.

We had a pretty scary and tough night after the surgery. His blood pressure kept dropping and when they gave him meds to help correct that, his heart rate would shoot up, and vice versa. They tried many combinations, without much luck, and were going to have to cardio-covert him (paddles), but they hesitated doing that because of the “assault” on his body that the surgery had done, and the incision was quite long (12 or so inches), and very painful, and they didn’t want to have to work around that. So, eventually they called cardiology in and they tried digoxin. It did work, but they then had to use more. Digoxin is a heart medication that does not cause the blood pressure to drop, but it is very hard on the kidneys, so it was used with much caution, since Mike’s one kidney only operates at about 20%. They wound up having to double up on his pain meds, and this also helped reduce some of the stress to his heart. This all went on until about 4 am Tuesday or so, when things finally stabilized. We had two doctors and two nurses in the room with him at all times throughout this time. Tuesday was a game day…blood pressure down, heart up, more “trials,” experiments with blending of meds to strike a balance. Finally, around 11:00 last night (Tues), he stabilized for longer than an hour and they were satisfied that the regimen they had “created” was working. However, he is still on the Digoxin, so they are having to “create” another plan. Meantime, he is doing well, and they actually had him up today. The first time they got him up to sit up, his heart rate climbed again, but the second time it remained stable.

He is still in the ISCU, which is a “step-down” from ICU, but he has his own nurse, etc. We don’t know when they will transfer him to the regular post surgery unit.

Take care and thank you again for the prayers, comfort, love and concern. Prayers have been answered. We feel very, very blessed. God is with us, always.

Love, and God bless you all.

Carol and Ralph

[Maddy6]

Recently I mentioned about my 18 year old son having made the decision to join the Marines upon his graduation from high school next year. I had told you'll how I did not like it after the loss of Rachael, but it was his dream since childhood. I wanted to share with you all what I found on his facebook wall tonight. It is his, misspellings, no capitals, and all :-) actually, I think this is how most of the kids text nowadays. I am so proud of him and I cried when I read it. I want you all to see why I cannot stand in his way for his dream, but must accept his choice in life. What Sammy wrote is as follows:

"today i saw a slodier in the army as i was coming home from school,and i stopped and decided to talk to him. i was in my r.o.t.c. uniform and he asked me if i was joining the military and i told him yes, after he was telling me stories about when he was in iraq i told him i needed to get home he said by and i said thank you for fighting for us.as i walked away i realized ive always wanted to join the military to get the respect and honor that is given to these soldiers and to travel the world and see what most people will never get to see or expierence, and to say i believe not in killing for freedom but defending it."

TTYL .....Love,

Maddy

[mikesmum]

Carol ~ Great news..hoping your man is moved to a less technical accomodation...Glad too that you managed some sleep

Maddy ~ Yes it does the heart proud to read how someone's chance meeting confirmed what they felt in their heart was their destiny. Hard to let them go....but his words can't be underestimated, spelling, punctuation grammer and all

[davincidanes]

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear

A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother, as these days for her are hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know

Though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.

She thinks of ways to honor me, sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells

She still buys me gifts, and writes to me as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best

I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Brian’s Dad, Greg posted this on Beyond Indigo

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! THANK YOU FOR SHARING IT.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Slightly revised....

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky...very nicely written.

Carol...this has indeed been a long and stressful week for all of you. I am glad to see that Ralph is making a slow and steady improvement. Sounds as if he has some excellent people working alongside tomake this healing process a positive one. Please do take care of yourself. And tell him we are all thinking of him and sending our very best wishes.

Dee....yes, it must be extremely difficult to teach a classroom of kids that are overwhelmed by the heat. I did not realize that you got out so early for the summer holidays. When did you say they start back again? August? Up here the private schools close middle of June for the summer. Public schools go until the last dog is hung. June 31st. much to their chagrin. They start back after Sept. long weekend or a few days just before.

Maddy, you must be very proud of your son. A lot to think about in the upcoming year.

Thinking of all of you. Linda....hope you are Okay?

Kate

[westleysmom]

Sherry-I'm so sorry that I didn't post a Happy Heavenly Birthday to Baby Lisa. I still think often of your dream (I think it was a dream) of her in her little dress with the buttons in the back. That is an image that stays with me as I have always loved when holding a baby to snuggle them up and smell that sweet baby smell of them, right there at the back of their neck.

My daddy was in the Navy during WWII, he joined when he was 17, Big Mama had to sign for him to join. I think that wasn't uncommon at the time, this would have been 1944 or around there. My Daddy was a hero in my eyes, he was on the USS Franklin when it was bombed by Japanese kamikaze and many on board were killed instantly. Those few who were left had to get the ship back to port and take care of the bodies. He never spoke of it to me, but talked to my husband about it some in his later years. Most of his brothers were also in the Navy, but Westley never mentioned the Navy, probably because he was not very big on water, not a good swimmer at all. I'm sure that would have been an issue with the Marines as well, but he never had to cross that bridge.

In my grief, I forget many things. When Westley first died, I thought I needed to remember everything that happened, so I could tell him when I saw him and it would be as if he didn't miss anything. I know how crazy that sounds, but of course it didn't last long, that feeling. Now sometimes, I realize that I can't even remember things that happened when he was here, and that is even more scary. The other day, we were at my BIL's new house that is being built and talking about picking up rocks when you're clearing land and my husband told us that one time, he was plowing in the back and Westley was supposed to be picking up rocks, and when my husband started to empty the buckets, they were full of not rocks, but big dirt clods! We laughed about it, and I thought that he'd never told me that before, so I have a new story about Westley, all this time later. I didn't ask when this happened, so I don't know how old Westley was, but I can just see the look on my husband's face when he realized he had buckets full of dirt. It made me sad though, when the thought came to me that all the Westley stories have been made that will ever be. There were lots, but not nearly enough for me.

Carol-Sending you and Mike hugs and hoping that the medications get straightened out soon. Don't forget to take care of you, dear.

[Maddy6]

My dad was also in WWII. In the Navy and on IwoJima with SeaBeas (don't know spelling of all this). I am thinking Sam got the idea from this possibly. My husband was in the Navy also. But we have never encouraged him to join the military. He just wanted to. He hung pictures of his deceased grandfather in uniform etc. on his wall. While his brothers played Xbox in the summer, he watched the military channel. On trips to Barnes and Nobles, and trying to show Sam all the latest popular fiction books, and Sam would select a huge book about a branch of the military.~~~~~~Recently he was getting his hair cut and I decided to walk into the Marine recruiting office several stores down. I went in and spoke to them. I slipped up and said...."my son wants to join the Marines. We have tried to talk him out of it, and we can't." :-) oops! ~~~~~~~~So while it scares me, and saddens me, I have to let go of this kid to live his life's adventure as he sees fit. I would prefer to forbid him from joining the military....ha! Which would not work anyway. I was terrified for so very long over the thought of losing another child. Then I met Lorri in here, on this site. Her strength made me realize I had to let go of my kids and the fear of losing another child. Yes, it could happen, that is true. But while I sit and cower in fear, I realize I am losing today and even tomorrow. I am failing to enjoy the present fully with my son. I choose to be strong for today and grasp the present with joy. To be proud of my son and see all the positive qualities it takes to make the choice he is. And to forgive myself for not being able to save Rachael. ~~~~~~~~I will see Rachael in a very short time when compared to eternity. .~~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry-I'm so sorry that I didn't post a Happy Heavenly Birthday to Baby Lisa. I still think often of your dream (I think it was a dream) of her in her little dress with the buttons in the back. That is an image that stays with me as I have always loved when holding a baby to snuggle them up and smell that sweet baby smell of them, right there at the back of their neck.

My daddy was in the Navy during WWII, he joined when he was 17, Big Mama had to sign for him to join. I think that wasn't uncommon at the time, this would have been 1944 or around there. My Daddy was a hero in my eyes, he was on the USS Franklin when it was bombed by Japanese kamikaze and many on board were killed instantly. Those few who were left had to get the ship back to port and take care of the bodies. He never spoke of it to me, but talked to my husband about it some in his later years. Most of his brothers were also in the Navy, but Westley never mentioned the Navy, probably because he was not very big on water, not a good swimmer at all. I'm sure that would have been an issue with the Marines as well, but he never had to cross that bridge.

In my grief, I forget many things. When Westley first died, I thought I needed to remember everything that happened, so I could tell him when I saw him and it would be as if he didn't miss anything. I know how crazy that sounds, but of course it didn't last long, that feeling. Now sometimes, I realize that I can't even remember things that happened when he was here, and that is even more scary. The other day, we were at my BIL's new house that is being built and talking about picking up rocks when you're clearing land and my husband told us that one time, he was plowing in the back and Westley was supposed to be picking up rocks, and when my husband started to empty the buckets, they were full of not rocks, but big dirt clods! We laughed about it, and I thought that he'd never told me that before, so I have a new story about Westley, all this time later. I didn't ask when this happened, so I don't know how old Westley was, but I can just see the look on my husband's face when he realized he had buckets full of dirt. It made me sad though, when the thought came to me that all the Westley stories have been made that will ever be. There were lots, but not nearly enough for me.

Carol-Sending you and Mike hugs and hoping that the medications get straightened out soon. Don't forget to take care of you, dear.

Rhonda, thanks for sharing your story about Westley and filling the buckets with dirt clods! He probably was thinking the rocks were covered with dirt. It is lovely to recall all the funny antics of our kids. One time I was here with Jeff and we had a huge snowstorm. My husband was away on business. I sent Jeff out to shovel for me. Of course he had to look cool at all times. So, he headed out in the cold wearing a leather jacket that was open and no toque. In case it messed his hair. He proceeded to try to push the shovel down the sidewalk with one hand. Just could not be done. All the while trying to look as cool as can be...and not a girl in sight for miles. I opened the door and told him it would work better if he used two hands!

Memories of stories from the war is something I grew up on. My elderly aunt that died of alzheimers lost her husband after two years of marriage during the war. He was shot down over Germany in a bombing raid. Another couple of uncles spent time in a POW camp when they also were captured by the Germans. The Uncle who also died not long ago however never would mention the war years. He fought in the front lines and stored his memories in a steamer trunk along with his uniform and medals in his basement. My own father was in the Air Force and worked on radar off of the east coast of Canada. One interesting piece of information is that there is a street in Winnipeg called Valour Road. On this street there were three young men that went to war in 1914-1918. They were all killed during that time and awarded the Victoria Cross for their heroism. None of these guys knew one another yet they lived within two blocks of one another. The VC is the highest Medal awarded in Commomwealth countries. The odds of that are astronomical.

Not far from where I live there is an old Air Force base that was used during the war to train soldiers. In the past few years it has been used for car races, and small plane parachuting outings and flying lessons. But one interesting thing that they did with it a few years back was to offer a course for bodyguards to wealthy and famous people. It was an intensive course and they used the runways for car get away practice. Many interesting things have happened in this small community. I guess the most famous was the landing of the Gimli Glider. A huge Air Canada passenger jet that ran out of fuel. We saw it glide over our house as we wondered why it was so low. The pilot landed it safely with no time to lose. Dan Ackroyd was in the making of the movie.

Many proud and precious memories and yet so much pain. Anyway, a trip down memory lane. It would be nice to see people post about funny or happy memories we have of our kids when they were young. It would help to lighten the heartache this weekend on Mother's Day. Happy tears as we fondly remember our sweeties. Just a thought.

[Maddy6]

Kate and Rhonda, LOL :-) love the stories of our kids. Enjoyed the rocks, and the looking cool :-)

I would like to tell my favorite one about Rachael. I was in the house running bathwater for her little brother. She was around 5 or 6 years old and was playing in our back yard. She was having a conversation with the boy who lived behind our house. He was the same age and his yard talking to her over the fence. He was showing her his new kitten. He handed the kitten over the fence to Rachael to hold. The fence was a large wooden fence and the kids were on swing sets talking. So she had to go over to the fence and reach up high to the top of the 6 foot fence. Wellllll, we had a dog name "Sarah," that Rachael had named. She was mixed breed, but as large as a German Shepherd. Sarah starts going crazy and running in circles around Rachael when she sees the kitten. The kitten gets frightened and latches onto the first thing available, which was the top of Rachael's head as she is being handed over the fence. The kitten is sprawled over Rachel's head with it's little paws handing down the side of her head and digging into her head. Meanwhile, something told me to go in the back yard and check on Rachael. I open the door just in time to see Rachael with this terrified kitten stuck to her head and the dog frantically running circles around her!

I slowly walked into the yard, took her by the shoulders and said.....Rachael, do not move. Just walk slowly with me where I direct you. Then all the neighborhood somehow found out what was going on. The neighbor had a Veterinarian friend visiting and everyone was coming running because they thought Rachael's head was going to be in shreds from the poor terrified kitten. We walked slowly into the garage and immediately shut the door to prevent the dog from getting in. THe kitten relaxed and releaed its claw hold on Rachael's head. Of course Rachael was undaunted and immediately wanted to play with the kitten! She was unaware of the horror she had just escaped!

We still tell this story and fall all over laughing about Rachael walking through the yard with a terrified kitten stuck to the top of her head!!!

Well, thanks for listening :-)

Sherry, I am also sorry for not wishing a Happy Heavenly Birthday to Baby Lisa.

I am so sorry we have all lost our precious children and the pain we all experience to this day. My heart and my love are with each of you. We will see our angels again. In just a little while.....

LOVE,

MADDY

[westleysmom]

Kate and Maddy-Loved the stories of your sweet Jeff and Rachael. I can just see him carefully shoveling the snow and her with the kitty cat "hat". It is still hard for me to remember things that Westley did without crying, but I'm trying. He was a funny kid and had a very dry sense of humor. I miss him more than words and I know you feel the same about your angels. I hope that some others have time to tell us something that their kids did or said, it does help to lighten my mood to remember that they LIVED. I don't want anyone to forget them.

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate and Maddy-Loved the stories of your sweet Jeff and Rachael. I can just see him carefully shoveling the snow and her with the kitty cat "hat". It is still hard for me to remember things that Westley did without crying, but I'm trying. He was a funny kid and had a very dry sense of humor. I miss him more than words and I know you feel the same about your angels. I hope that some others have time to tell us something that their kids did or said, it does help to lighten my mood to remember that they LIVED. I don't want anyone to forget them.

Maddy & Rhonda, just loved your stories! Kids you gotta love them! Hope others will be happy to share a few funny and warm memories. I know it is hard Rhonda to remember without feeling sad.But I am trying really hard to remember the good times and hold them close. I will never forget them.

[ericasmom]

Remembering is good, and we find sometimes, that we remember stories that were hidden behind so much ache. I love the dirt clods Rhonda, and the cat-on-head stories as well. I have had a terrified full grown cat on my head, it hurts. Funny stuff. It is scary to have forgotten some of the stories, but they come back to us at different times. I remember once when Eri was about 12 and looking through old photos of she and her brother and cousins, she remarked, " MOM, why did you dress me in such '80's' style when I was little?"

Well, you born in the 80's Erz.

Funny little Lady.

Carol, so glad that the docs seemed to get the pressure issue straightened out. Prayers continue and hope that you all start getting some much needed sleep.

[westleysmom]

Wow, its quiet around here. I have to be out today and may not get a chance to post this weekend, but I want to tell everyone Happy Mother's Day. I know it will be hard, I have no doubt, especially for those that this is their first without their baby. I hope that it won't be too bad and that you have a happy Mother's Day memory that will bring you a smile. I know they would send that Hallmark card that hasn't been made yet, if only they could. My friend said that her friend whose son was killed in Afghanistan this Monday went online to check on his bank accounts and be sure that things were okay found where he had ordered her Mother's Day flowers to be delivered this weekend. Bittersweet, and mostly bitter right now, as they haven't even had the memorial service or burial at Arlington. Please keep the Schwallie's in your prayers, and there were two others killed, one was 24 and one was only 19 years old. My heart to you all, we'll get through this with each other's help.

[davincidanes]

Becky...very nicely written.

Carol...this has indeed been a long and stressful week for all of you. I am glad to see that Ralph is making a slow and steady improvement. Sounds as if he has some excellent people working alongside tomake this healing process a positive one. Please do take care of yourself. And tell him we are all thinking of him and sending our very best wishes.

Dee....yes, it must be extremely difficult to teach a classroom of kids that are overwhelmed by the heat. I did not realize that you got out so early for the summer holidays. When did you say they start back again? August? Up here the private schools close middle of June for the summer. Public schools go until the last dog is hung. June 31st. much to their chagrin. They start back after Sept. long weekend or a few days just before.

Maddy, you must be very proud of your son. A lot to think about in the upcoming year.

Thinking of all of you. Linda....hope you are Okay?

Kate

Thank you for asking Kate. I'm as okay as I can be. I'm a little stressed over Mother's Day coming and not getting the usual "HAPPY MADRE'S DAY" phone call from Sean. Also, we are making an 8 hour road trip to Richmond, VA this weekend to watch my fiance's youngest daughter's graduation from college. So, it's a long tiring weekend ahead that I'm really not looking forward to. It's good to see the milestones reached for his kids, but it's hard knowing there will be no more milestones on this earth for Sean. Big hugs to everyone out there.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends

Tomorrow morning, Scott and I are going on a guided tour of Horicon Marsh Federal Wildlife Area. We are registered for the "First Light Bird Tour".

The bus leaves at 6am sharp. It takes us about 40 minutes to get to Horicon Marsh. Therefore, we will leave the house about 5:10am at the latest.

This is my 4th time on this tour and every tour is different. The group identifies between 90 and 120 bird species. We even have a few that bring their spotting scopes. They set-up the scopes and we each get a view of birds we could never see otherwise.

I really enjoy that area and Wisconsin is lucky to have it.

I hope each of you find something to smile about this weekend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[daveydow1]

Hello to all INDIGOS..........I'm limping along with this computer problem, but it has improved

with all the things I've been doing to remedy it. I said a little prayer to Davey.....asking for

help in getting things straightened out....(he was a computer tech), so now, hopefully it will be ok.

Maddy-------Yep.....it sure is scary to let go of our kids....especially when we are grieving

the loss of another dear one who left this world too soon. I think that what you wrote about

Sammy always being interested in the military from a young age, shows that it is indeed a

dream of his to join up and be a part of it. Best of luck to him. Thanks for the birthday wish

for Lisa's birthday.

Dee------Thanks to you, also , for kind words & wishes for baby Lisa's birthday.

Rhonda------Your story of West filling the bucket with clods of dirt was so touching. Yes....after

our child leaves this world, it seems that we are madly grasping at thoughts, memories, and

experiences that relate to our dear child/children. We don't want one little thing to escape our

minds about the dear one. We think that we might forget and that these experiences will be

forever lost. But they are not lost........they are always with us. They can't all be recalled at once

of course.......and we are not able to 'catalog' or 'file' them neatly in our minds for instant recall,

but they will undoubtedly surprise us from time to time over the years, like a pleasant little

memory will do. I can tell you, that after these 40 yrs. since baby Lisa left this world, I still think

about little things, or memories will pop up about her and her short life here on earth....(just

6 months). Thanks for remkembering my little dream of Lisa and the little buttons on the back of her dress.

I think that your memories of Westley will always be with you......no need to worry

that you will 'misplace' them in your mind or heart.....you won't. Also, when a story pops up

that you had not known of before.....from someone else....it is like a little treasure.

My dad was also in the U.S. Navy in WWII in the Pacific. He sent home many 'trinkets' etc. to my mom,

and I still remember a grass skirt and photo of an exotic, beautiful little island girl with flowers in her hair. I loved that pic.

My dad used to talk about places he'd been to, but not so much as he grew older. He was in the Navy 10 yrs.

I was the oldest child. He saw me once, then was shipped out, and didn't see me again until I was 4 yrs. old.

Just keep all your memories in your heart, Rhonda,.......they will always be a source of comfort to you.

Carol----I'm continuing to pray for Ralph and you & your family. Glad that Ralph is holding his own.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Colleen------Oh how wonderful to go to the Horicon Marsh to view birds at first light. It must be a

birdwatchers paradise. I remember you had gone there before and found it to be such a rewarding experience.

The scopes would be great to view the birds that one doesn't always get to see. I know you will have a great time.

Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Colleen, your birding experience this weekend sounds terrific! Hope you will be able to take some good photos.

Carol, thinking of you and the family. Hope this next few days sees a huge inprovement for Ralph.

Hubby surprised me with a getaway for the weekend. We are having work done to our home and the inconvenience is a headache. I will be thinking of all of you on this special weekend. Especially all of those that are here for the very first time.

Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

could someone tell me if there is something wrong with me? my job has to be very precise down to 1/3 of a thousandth of an inch. as you know i have been dealing with moving my father to another nursing home as they are no longer able to care for him where he was. i keep screwing up at my job. a few seconds of inattention and boom the day's work is shot. my boss came in today and told me last week i worked one day, made one die, it was no good and when was i going to get over it? i asked if he meant the death of my child (never mind the other stress) he said yes and i told him i wasn't going to, i was just going to assimilate it into my life someway. he said well what are you doing about it? i mentioned this grief support and he said i was just listening to people that couldn't move forward and that most people were fine by now and had gone on about their lives, death is just something that happens. i called my mom to discuss my thoughts of paying off my debts and getting a low stress low pay job. she said to me "well, you are taking a long time to get over it" MY MOTHER!!!!

i don't just mope around, rarely shed a tear but i do talk about forest and i seem to be awfully absentminded. i do pretty well most of the time i think. i am happy with my "progress"

What is going on??? my dead fiance's dad told me his mother has never really "gotten over it" it has been 32 years since he died.. it has been 10 months since my son's face was completely destroyed except his eyes and forehead in a brutal car wreck so what the hell is wrong with me?? excuse me world i'm still doing firsts. so is it just us? are we just weepy whiny self pitying parents?? i don't feel like that. i think i am pretty strong and courageous and still trying to love life. but noooooo apparently because my focus seems scattered i'm being overly emotional and sensitive. f... them. i'm sorry to be so rude but i don't get it. i don't understand. these people aren't helping, they are making me feel terrible and so alone. jeez even my loving mother. now i'm just sobbing. people are so judgmental and mean. i am also watching my father wandering a nursing home in a big pvc device with his hands shaking, his pants falling off because they misplaced his belt and telling me we need to go to cowtown. oooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry so depressing. i am feeling very unstable right now. ok ok thank you i feel better. if you ask me this is therapeutic but lord knows i'm wrong.

so on another note since birds has been a topic--- an owl smacked into my kitchen window last night and broke it!

[mikesmomrs]

Gretchen...I saw yourpost and only have a minute so I wanted to use it to tell you what my therapist told me when I told him of the hard time my supervisor was giving me about not being "further along than this" when I was only three months out..my therapist said "you can tell him for me that it generally takes a time frame of at least three YEARS before a grieving parent can expect to see a normal level of functioning again, and even at that it will be a NEW normal." I think that those of us here over three years would surely agree with that..and also that the "three years" is just an estimate....can be even longer for some.

Sending love and good thoughts to all.

[Maddy6]

Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5 NASB)

[517958]

Gretchen, if it helps at all, I see that you and I are about at the same place on this journey - my Charlotte died on July 6th of 2011. I'm still very absent-minded as well. I truely think going through this type of loss causes a form a brain damage. I really think my brain got damaged that awful day and while it's getting better slowly, I know I'll never be the same person and I wonder how much of it is caused by the damage done to my brain. They should do a study of the grieving parent's brain. I bet they'd see actual brain damage.

I also have people say dumb stuff to me quite often. I just keep telling myself that they just don't understand. I try to pray that they will never have to understand but honestly, sometimes when I'm feeling really low, there are people that have said such hurtfull things to me that I wish, just for a second, for them to lose a son or daughter so that they can know how it feels and understand how much they hurt me. I feel terrible, of course, for thinking that but I can't help it sometimes. That's another terrible thing about being "us" - that we have to feel lonely in our grief because those around us don't understand and never will. We just have to take the nonsense and live with it all. it's total bullshit. It's not fair. I wrote all the stupid stuff people have said to me in another post. It kinda felt good to list them out. I'm happy with where I am as well. I've decided to live and try to be happy for my surviving kids, my husband and for me. I keep telling myself that Char's death is PART of my story and not the END of it. I have to think Char's purpose on this planet was not to make me blissfully happy for 5 years and then miserable for 50. I talk about her to anyone that will listen. I can see people sieze up sometimes when I mention her but I don't give a ****. I'm angry today. Can you tell? I'm not angry every day though. So I guess it's just the journey. Take care and know you're not alone and you're doing as good as you can do.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi, I am like Carol in that I do not have a lot of time here. Yet, I feel I need to make some sort of comment. Gretchen, Carol is so right! iI takes a huge amount of time and effort to move ahead carrying along this grief with us. Nobody, and I mean nobody that has not been through this can begin to understand the level of loss. This is not losing an elderly parent...not to say that it is not heartbreaking...but to lose a child is the worst possible tragedy that can happen to a parent. Young lives cut short abruptly by many different circumstances is beyond tolerable when we actually try to process it. Just like the lives of those young servicemen that were mentioned earlier today that gave their lives for their country. Does that soften the blow for their families? I'm not too sure about that.

If people say things that upset you... then please do not take it personally. They are simply ignorant and have no understanding of how we honestly feel. You are after all fairly new to this and you are doing really good from what I have seen. And on top of it trying to help with your dad, etc. That is a lot on your plate to deal with. Maddy, God bless you. You go girl! Gretchen, just take one day at a time and block the idiots out. You know yourself what you need to do. As to the boss's comment about us being a bunch of wimps? Well, hello Mr. Know It All! When you are sitting around the table on Sunday enjoying Mother's Day take a good look at your family. Who are you willing to give up?

Have to get moving. Please take care of yourselves. And I will definitely be with you in spirit on Sunday.

Kate

[mikesmum]

Gretchen ~ I am so sorry that you have an 'out of touch' delivering such an uninformed opinion on the the subject of losing a child. Sadly for them to gain the insight needed they would have to pay the ultimate price...a price none of us wanted nor wish on another.

There is definitely an altering of our abilities after losing our children. We tend to have a heightened BS radar that sorts out what is important from what is insignificant. For me, I look back at the level I was working at and I am astounded. In fact to even think about doing that job again sends me into a panic. My ability to multiskill, well I can type here, hear the phone ring and check where the dog is and that' about it.

As for the pity party never getting over it being why we gather here....well again, misinformation from those who know no better. Here is where many have gained the strength, the courage and the vision to re-enter the world. To come here and 'download' the fears that bind us, the memories that keep our children alive is something that we do because honestly, many who don't know find it 'wearing' to listen to.

I haven't gone back to work....never will. My once intelligent mind has left me and even with 5yrs of therapy there is still a feeling deep down that with all my 'abilities' my training and everything I once knew to be true....I still lost a son...

Its Mothers Day tomorrow....heavy heart begins to take me. Today (Saturday) I get to spend time with my youngest and his kids. He is doing it hard. He has overcome so much to get to where he is, but he is still haunted by his past. His older brother would be his 'voice' of reason and I know he misses not being able to pick up the phone and just talk.

Cold here, sunny breaks....and of course my camera and I have been out and about....

[ericasmom]

Trudi, your photo is beautiful, the streams of sunlight reached right into my heart. Thank you.

I know that Mom's Day is looming for you, for many, and so I send hope and prayer to all that join here and all that never will find their way to a site such as this, and in my prayers I say, we will always be the MOM to that Child who is no longer right where we can feel them, see them, hear them...and they will always see us as Mom.

Carol, I am so glad for the steps forward you and Mike and the doctors and staff are taking. Slow and steady, each day a tiny bit of change. Good for you all. I do hope that some sleep is happening for you both. Prayers continue.

Gretchen, I echo the others here, that you have entered the world of OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!!! We have all encountered folks in our lives who say the most ridiculous things to us and we can hardly pick our chins off the counters when these friends, family, and co-workers begin to give advice or feel their expectations of us are of worth. YIKES! I do believe as others have said, that we go through a huge brain change, damage incurs, we are made different. Our recall disappears, our PTSD kicks in when we least expect it, we sometimes cannot do the same work again as it taxes us or no longer holds our attention, we are tired and yet can't sleep...ARE YOU OVER IT YET? I want to kick a-- when people say this. Over the loss of my child, my CHILD? No, I will never be over this, I will try to adapt to this tragedy and heart shattering sadness, but I will never be over it. To be over it means to no longer be affected by it. NEVER.

Do we get over the births of our Children? Do we forget what we felt and how we changed in that instance of becoming a parent? No. The change is a metamorphosis, and we never can be who we were before our Children. When one dies, we morph again, but we don't know what we will be, it takes a very long time, and the change can be excruciatingly slow and exhausting. We lose folks along the way due to their impatience with our changes, and sometimes due to our no longer finding value in relationships with these people,.There is nothing easy in this new life, but it will become easier, swear to you that. I am so sorry that your Mom said that to you, sometimes our most loved people just don't know what to say. I do think that you are doing well, working, making alternative plans for your dad which is so draining as it is a sad thing on top of tragedy. You are also trying to find your footing and your rhythm. This si not taking too long Gretchen, this is taking a journey that needs time. However much you take is the right amount.

So some of you know my father situation. I dislike him very much, have not had him in life for a long long time. He died today. I have no sadness at the news, just some relief and anger that bubbles up from that deep well of memory. He was a bad bad man, a really bad dad.

[tobyfreefoot]

thanks eveyone. i don't know what i would have done without you.