Members Maddy6 Posted April 26, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CAROL & MIKE omg.....so sweet.....love a romance story!also loved the story about young love....I am still smiling LOVED the Beatles also....enjoyed the music Thank you for a happy story today BECKY.....YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!I LOVE the sign!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hcastro Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 I want to tell you all. That I love you for your support and caring words.I come from a family of 3, two boys and a girl, I loss my younger brother suddently March 13 th this year. It has been very difficult. I cared for my brother greatly and not being able to chat with him makes me very sad. I would have given my life for his.I want to tell all of you, who are grieving, I know how much losing a loved one hurts, and yes nothing else matters, and we feel tired and even exhausted. Think of your loved ones not as dead but as those who sleep, till we see them again.I pray and hope all of you continue to cherish and experience the love of your beloved departed, love is eternal and cannot be dissolved by the mortality of the body. Words cannot describe our pain, yet neither can words describe the intensity of pure love, that overcomes even death.Love you all.HC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 Mike and I have been married today for 48 years....48 years and six weeks ago we met, fell in love and married six weeks later. Sharing the joy with you all, this is what I put on my facebook this morning (with just a little editing here): To my sweetie...still sending you "all my lovin'," and 48 years has only increased the attraction. The Beatles sang our tunes, and we went along for the ride; the Beatles are no longer together...but just like their beautiful music, we have withstood the test of time and are still playing. The years have passed so quickly; why didn't they tell us? I have loved every moment, even the tough ones--they brought us closer and taught us the ride is not always downhill, and the joyous ones gave us reason to believe again. I loved you so much then, even more now, and will always love you, forever. "PS: I Love You." (Mike was stationed at the Air Force base, 150 miles from where I lived and we only saw each other on the weekends during those six weeks.. letters and phone calls kept us going during the week....this was our song... Happy Anniversary...Carol and Mike!!!!!!!! As Jeff would have said..."SWEET!" Have a good one you guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 Carol and Mike, 48 years...what a joy to know that two people met and fell in love in a short amount of time, and the love has not only lasted this many years, but grown and developed. How lovely. Happiness and more happiness to you both. Missing piece, I am sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling has got to be terribly sad and difficult. Let us know more about your situation when you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maddy6 Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 HC,Your words were incredibly comforting. What you said was profound. I read your words and reread them. You said:Love is eternal and cannot be dissolved by the mortality of the body. Words cannot describe our pain, yet neither can words describe the intensity of pure love, that overcomes even death.Thank you very much for your words. Did you write this? So beautiful, so insightful. I realized......that's it!! Love never dies and the body's death does not end love. Love lives forever. So much depth.....so much more to life....because we love.Thank you for your words so very much, you who are new to this site have blessed me. I am so very sorry for the death of your precious brother. My children have suffered greatly over the loss of their sister 4 years ago. Please come back and share with us. We understand your loss and your pain. My older brother at 17 died when I was a child of 9 years old. His death and my daughter's death were the most devastating in my life. My parents death did not affect me in the same way. We care about your pain and we are here for you.LOVE, MADDY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 Getting harder and harder to work the mouse on the computer to do pictures as I have loss of feeing and strength in my right hand. I am probably making it worse by using it, but I sat up last night when I couldn 't fall asleep, and was thinking about Jared trying to grow his hair long enough for dreads, and gave him some using my photoshop! This is just for you, Jared! My husband was watching me work on this, and I think he's worried I am losing my mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members westleysmom Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 Carol-Sorry I missed telling you happy anniversary on the day, such sweet pictures of you and Mike. I hope that you had an especially good day and felt young Mike's pride in his Mama and Daddy. Hugs to you both.Becky-So sorry for the trouble with the hand. Love the pictures of Jared, and hopefully seeing his beautiful young face will slow some people down on your road.HC-Beautiful words that remind me that I am not the only one who lost, my daughter lost her only brother, and I know she misses him and will always. I am sorry for your loss, which is so new.Kate, Robyn, Maddy, Dee, Sherry, Amy, Betty, Betsy, Trudi, Greg, Daniel's Dad, Dee, hope all are doing as good as you can. I think of you all every day and your angels too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maddy6 Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 Becky, love the picture........LOLgreat idea.....my 21 year old son wanted dreads recently also and began growing his hair out. His thick hair is all bushy now and I think he is struggling with starting the dreads off. Possibly abandoning the idea at this point!! The extremely thick hair in our family was once what Rachael told her brother was the "family curse," when he wanted to know what had gone wrong with his hair as he entered adolescence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 HAPPY 48TH ANNIVERSARY,........CAROL & MIKE. 48 WONDERFUL YEARS. !!!!!! .................... I LOVED YOURWRITING TO YOUR DEAR HUSBAND.......BEAUTIFUL TRIBUTE.Lilysmommy-------Oh my goodness.......how scary. I'm glad that you are ok, and Lily wasno doubt with you, and sent a guardian angel to help you.Becky-----Such a great pic of your dear son Jared . Also, so good that you were able toput up the sign with his picture. Hcmissingpiece-------I'm so sorry for your loss of your younger brother in March. I hopeyou can come back to BI because this site helps so many of us on this unwanted journey.I lost my baby girl years ago....she was 6 mo. old. My son, David, was 31 when he waskilled by a semi in 2003. This site can be a lifeline for those whose hearts a brokenbecause a loved one has died, and there is a longing need to have a connection withpeople who truly understand. PEACE BE WITH ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted April 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 carol-congratulations! i really enjoyed the pics and listened to p.s. i love you. haven't heard it in so long. so happy your whirlwind courtship turned into such a loving lifelong adventure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members aim630 Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Happy 48th Anniversary Carol and Mike! Carol, Many prayers to you on the 7th. I'm glad your daughter will be with you. We will all be with you in spirit.Betsy-Happy Belated Birthday! I know it's hard to celebrate without Rich being there.Lily's mom-Glad you are ok. Your little angel was looking out for her mommy.My husband had a blood test Wednesday, and the doctor called Thursday and wants to see him next week. The receptionist wouldn't tell him what was wrong. We think either diabetes or high cholesterol, but it must be serious. Both those conditions are manageable. I've been after him to lose weight. Katie still seems depressed at college, but insists she's fine. They aren't done until mid-June. It's been extremely stressful at work. One of my coworkers made a huge mistake, which I should have caught because I was supposed to be checking her work. I did check it, but not the particular thing she messed up, which was an extremely stupid mistake on her part. Two other people also didn't catch the mistake, so they are not really blaming me, but it's taken 4 of us several days to fix the mistake (double paying about 200 employees). Then one of the other companies we do payroll for discovered they sent last week's pay information to us again this week, so 200 people either got underpaid or overpaid.What a mess! I am ready to consider a job as Wal-Mart greeter after this.With all this stress, I haven't been sleeping well.We Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members aim630 Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Happy 48th Anniversary Carol and Mike! Carol, Many prayers to you on the 7th. I'm glad your daughter will be with you. We will all be with you in spirit.Betsy-Happy Belated Birthday! I know it's hard to celebrate without Rich being there.Lily's mom-Glad you are ok. Your little angel was looking out for her mommy.My husband had a blood test Wednesday, and the doctor called Thursday and wants to see him next week. The receptionist wouldn't tell him what was wrong. We think either diabetes or high cholesterol, but it must be serious. Both those conditions are manageable. I've been after him to lose weight. Katie still seems depressed at college, but insists she's fine. They aren't done until mid-June. It's been extremely stressful at work. One of my coworkers made a huge mistake, which I should have caught because I was supposed to be checking her work. I did check it, but not the particular thing she messed up, which was an extremely stupid mistake on her part. Two other people also didn't catch the mistake, so they are not really blaming me, but it's taken 4 of us several days to fix the mistake (double paying about 200 employees). Then one of the other companies we do payroll for discovered they sent last week's pay information to us again this week, so 200 people either got underpaid or overpaid.What a mess! I am ready to consider a job as Wal-Mart greeter after this.With all this stress, I haven't been sleeping well.We Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Amy, I well understand the stress aspect of y our not sleeping well. I hope that you and the team find all of the mistakes and then are able to sleep again. Prayers too, for your husband. Scary, why not just tell folks to come in that day so that the anxiety of waiting can be reduced?Sleep time,good night all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrsduc Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Tell me how and why does the pain and heartache seem to intensify as each day passes. It is not helping me get over my loss at all. It is just makingit worse for me to even get out of bed. I don;t have any desire to do anything not even eat. I use to love the spring and the summer and loved to sit outside and just take in the trees coming to life and the flowers blooming, but i look out my bedroom window and just do not care and then close the drapes so my room is closed off from the world and keep my door closed so I stay in my room most of the time. I see no point in getting dress, for no one comes to see me. So what is the point of gettting dress so that I will have more clothes to wash. Why not stay comfortable and stay in my nightgown. I had this problem before Robert died but it has only gotten worse. I cannot explain how alone I feel. I have no girlfriends that can call me or come by to try to help me think about something else. I am stuck all the time with myself and my thoughts. It has gotten so bad that I don't even play with my little wonderful loving chihuahuas that are my babies. I don't even allow them in my room. I make my husband take care of them. I just have no desire for nothing. I hate this of me but I do not know how to change this for I have no reason to get out of bed each day. I have issues that stem way back into my childhood but I am not physicallly or mentally able to go out into the world and even get a part time job so to not think about myself and my pain of Robert. So I am stuck 24/7 with my mind. So I do not know what to do and how to stop this cycle that I am in. For I think if I had a reason to get out of bed and something to do productive besides cleaning house or cooking then I might be able to do it. But I have lost interest in sewing and even reading books anymore. I barely watch tv but have it on 24/7 so that there is always noise in my room. I just feel so lonely and I guess that is the way it is suppose to be because I do not have the capablities to make decent friends that might want to do something with me. I just don't have that in me and it is not something that I can get right now. So I stay alone and every once in awhile my husband will open my bedroom door to see if I need anything but over all I am alone. Thanks for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maddy6 Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Linda, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It really reminds me of some of the ways I went through the beginning stages. Although I went to work full time about 3-4 weeks after she died because I knew if I didn't I would feel as you described. I knew I needed something to keep me going. When I was home I got in the habit of watching Chiller Channel. I hated those types of movies before and would tell my kids not to watch them cause they were full of weird stuff and lots of killing. LOL.....well, in my tremendous pain, I could not get enough of them. My husband thought I was crazy and would say WHAT is that you are watching??? I didn't care as long as no one was happy and everyone was getting killed by killers, zombies, evil creatures etc. It was how I zoned my mind out. It was too painful to think....and those crazy movies helped me to veg out. I found an outlet at work, I worked with disabled kids and adored these children immensely. I poured myself into working with these kids and was easily loved by them. They helped me to maintain my sanity and gave me joy in my pain. If it were not for the kids I was working with things would have been really bad I knew. However, since the Hurricane Katrina thing had happened we had no friends here in Texas. In New Orleans we had many, many friends. I was not in a mental state to make friends since I was so needy and in pain. My poor children were used to a house in New Orleans where people stopped by frequently etc. and in this new life we were in there were absolutely no friends to stop by and help us. There still aren't really. I have barely any friends now. I feel bad for my children and how this changed our lives so dramatically. I was just finishing decorating our house since we had moved in only within that year when she died. I could care less about my house since she died. It is kept clean and maintained, but little, by little I care less about things like that. But I will say to try to force yourself to allow your dog to come to you. They will help you. Their joy and physical contact will help the depression you are experiencing. My son got a happy dog during this timeframe and our whole family latched onto him and the glimmer of joy he gave us. That little dog allowed us to hang on. You are very depressed and you need to force yourself so you do not sink deeper in depression. The first 3 years of work it was rarely, if ever, I was out sick. I forced myself to go to work even if I felt bad and poured my heart and soul into working to find relief and respite from my pain. My children are daily improving now and that helps. Seeing their pain compounded everything and so as they have had much healing it helps me. So I guess what I am saying is that I know how much pain you are in, but you must try to force yourself, or it will get worse. Could you go walk once a day? Perhaps take a walk in the morning? Something to make yourself move physically? Also holding your pets, as the physical contact is comforting. Even if you do not feel it, their contact and love can help you. I know it is very, very hard to make yourself,I remember......but please try. We care about you.LOVE, MADDY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maddy6 Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Amy, I hope it works out with your husband and is not very serious. Since he did want to see him, but not for a week, perhaps it is something of concern but not very serious. Actually my sister had a similar thing happen to her where the doctor said he wanted to see her the very next day. That was Thursday, and I will probably talk to her in the morning as I have not heard from her yet.~~~~~ Also, I am so sorry for the problems at work from the error. That sounds like a pretty big error to fix with all those people working overtime. In the beginning I used to feel like problems at work were good since they kept me from my pain. I know that sounds crazy, but Inwould think well, at least this keeps me from thinking about my problems because of this problem etc.~~~~~~~~Well I hope it goes well for your husband's situation and please let us know. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. LOVE, MADDY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrsduc Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 I thank you so much for your advice. I do try to hug and love my dogs everyday because I feel so guilty for not doing it. And after awhile they tend to be just like puppies do and they get in trouble and I tell them no that is bad and they lay down in this so cute position but that is when I just give them back to my husband. But there are alot of days that I will just go into my husband's room and hold them for alittle bit and kiss them and tell them I love them and then tell them to stay and leave them with their father. I just have no desire to do anything. I just don't think that i am going to be able to pick myself up this time. I have so many times but i have said this time is different. The last couple of days I have learned that I am lower then I have ever been and I am not able and really don't have the desire to pull myself up. I wish and believe that things might be alittle different for me if my other boys wanted me in their life and would allow me to see my granddaughter but I even called and asked Chris if my husband and I could ride to his house and spend time with him and his wife and my granddaughter just for acouple of hours (and it would take us close to 3 hours just to get there) and he said well I am not sure of that but we will see. and the tone in his voice was so cold. Just dont have anything to give to them anymore. I really wish that I had gone with Robert or God forgive me if any of my boys had to die why did it have to be the only one that allowed me in their life and we were close. Then I feel guilty for thinking and feeling that way. Then I wonder what if I had done something to stop the drug use by going out there and put him in a hotel and made him detox with my husbands help. Then I know in my heart it might of stopped Robert for a couple of months or even years but he would of eventually of done it because he was not happy in this world and he was carrying so much pain. I just feel like i am a fairer as a mother once again because of not protecting them when they were young and also because of not saving Robert and not being able to get Tom and Chris for the last 10 and 13 years when they turned 18 to try and show them that I loved them and that I am here and would love to know about them as an adult but I feel it is my fault that I must be doing something wrong because their dad was not there for them growing up and he only lived right behind the grandparents house and did not see them too much. He had gone on with a new wife and two new kids. But Tom and Chris go and spend every weekend with him and he is allowed to keep the baby and I just do not understand what he has that I don't have except that they have been filled with lies that I don;t love them and God knows what else because Chris told me that he would never allow me ever to see my granddaughter because to him I am crazy and need professional help. So I know that there is no relationship with him or my granddaughter. so yes I am depressed and I am on meds and have been for 8 years but since Robert's death they have add one more and upped the others. But I could care less if I die today or tomorrow. I do not see why God put me on this earth to have so much pain. I know I am a good person but I do not understand what I am doing wrong to have all this pain thrown at me since the minute I was born. so I am too tired to pick myself up anymore and I just don't see the purpose. So I can clean house and maybe read a book and play with my dogs and then know that I have two sons that never want anything to do with me. Just is not the kind of life I have wanted. It is way too painful to see that kind of life. I see nothing when I look at my future. And I just don't have the strength or the know how to even change it. So I thank you for allowing me to speak but I just dont think anyone can help me. I am just too down to pull myself up. Thanks anyway I am just meant for pain to carry and I am sure there will be alot more before I die and I guess I will never know why me. I just don't understand what I have done to be treated by life the way that I have. I am probably one of the loneliest people in a the world and even if I was in a room of people that might care about me. I jjust am the most loneliest person and that is the way it is suppose to be. me and my brain have always been the only way I have survived but now my brain is my worse enemy and it never shuts up even with the meds that are suppose to help. I just feel doomed to live a lonely life with no purpose and nothing to do. and for that I don't think it is worth it.Linda, I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. It really reminds me of some of the ways I went through the beginning stages. Although I went to work full time about 3-4 weeks after she died because I knew if I didn't I would feel as you described. I knew I needed something to keep me going. When I was home I got in the habit of watching Chiller Channel. I hated those types of movies before and would tell my kids not to watch them cause they were full of weird stuff and lots of killing. LOL.....well, in my tremendous pain, I could not get enough of them. My husband thought I was crazy and would say WHAT is that you are watching??? I didn't care as long as no one was happy and everyone was getting killed by killers, zombies, evil creatures etc. It was how I zoned my mind out. It was too painful to think....and those crazy movies helped me to veg out. I found an outlet at work, I worked with disabled kids and adored these children immensely. I poured myself into working with these kids and was easily loved by them. They helped me to maintain my sanity and gave me joy in my pain. If it were not for the kids I was working with things would have been really bad I knew. However, since the Hurricane Katrina thing had happened we had no friends here in Texas. In New Orleans we had many, many friends. I was not in a mental state to make friends since I was so needy and in pain. My poor children were used to a house in New Orleans where people stopped by frequently etc. and in this new life we were in there were absolutely no friends to stop by and help us. There still aren't really. I have barely any friends now. I feel bad for my children and how this changed our lives so dramatically. I was just finishing decorating our house since we had moved in only within that year when she died. I could care less about my house since she died. It is kept clean and maintained, but little, by little I care less about things like that. But I will say to try to force yourself to allow your dog to come to you. They will help you. Their joy and physical contact will help the depression you are experiencing. My son got a happy dog during this timeframe and our whole family latched onto him and the glimmer of joy he gave us. That little dog allowed us to hang on. You are very depressed and you need to force yourself so you do not sink deeper in depression. The first 3 years of work it was rarely, if ever, I was out sick. I forced myself to go to work even if I felt bad and poured my heart and soul into working to find relief and respite from my pain. I was terrified over being home alone. I knew I would become severely depressed and possibly suicidal. My children are daily improving now and that helps. Seeing their pain compounded everything and so as they have had much healing it helps me. So I guess what I am saying is that I know how much pain you are in, but you must try to force yourself, or it will get worse. Could you go walk once a day? Perhaps take a walk in the morning? Something to make yourself move physically? Also holding your pets, as the physical contact is comforting. Even if you do not feel it, their contact and love can help you. I know it is very, very hard to make yourself,I remember......but please try. We care about you.LOVE, MADDY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Linda, your last line alone tells me to urge you to talk with a therapist. I know that the drugs help some, but can't do it alone, the mind that has been ravaged by this kind of loss is not going to learn how to heal without some help. We are help, yes, but some of us, me included, needed some therapy to help us learn some ways in which to help ourselves in this journey. Many of us have talked about the lonliness factor, seems to be inherent in our loss. Even in a room full of folks, we are alone in our loss. We are the only ones feeling just as we are, getting tools from a therapist to help us work through the deep deep lows is important. It never means getting over the sadness, it means learning to get through it to find a life that we can carve from the remnants. You may feel that you have nothing to carve from, the other children dismissing you, but something good is there for you because Robert is good and he loves you. He will always love you. Hang on please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Susie_q512 Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Hi Everyone - Can't remember the last time I logged on to the site....maybe a week, or two, or three? The concept of time has changed. I just passed the 7 month mark on the 20th, and boy, the changes in me are huge. I seem to be crying a bit more now, where before I only cried sometimes. The sadness, loneliness and pain seem to be setting in deeper...like the roots of a tree. I have been obsessed with finding an understanding of how life left Shannon so very quickly. I need to be able to connect the dots in order to understand the process, I suppose. I read the reports included in the case file, and I cannot fathom how things played out. From the time of the accident, to the time the investigating officer arrived to take control of the scene, was only 27mins. In that short time, the accident occurred, the calls were made, responders arrived, she was removed from the car, the EMTs worked "relentlessly" on her, efforts to save her were stopped, and she was covered up. Hard to fathom how all of this took place in 27 mins or less. I keep questioning how long it takes to work "relentlessly" to revive someone??? I'm not looking to blame anyone....only trying to understand what happened physically to my daughter that caused life to leave her so quickly without any hope of saving her. Drives me crazy. The Death Certificate lists generalized chest trauma as the cause of death, but I have the police photos and can see no chest trauma. Instead, I can see obvious head trauma....maybe it was both??? I've been reading about traumatic brain injury and studying the areas that appear would have been damaged. I've read about the temporal lobe, the cerebellum and the brain stem in an effort to to determine what type of injury would cause immediate death. I've read about brain shear and the chemical and cellular processes that occur at the time of trauma. I've read about spinal shock and broken necks. I've read about arteries in that area of the brain, arteries in the chest and arteries in the upper arm. Now it seems that I have a better understanding of what happened to her physically. It also helps me to understand what would have happened had she lived.....either way, my daughter would have died. The pictures of her car were far worse than I had expected, but the pictures of her, were not nearly as bad as I had envisioned. I also have a clear impression of what distracted her.....attempting to eat yogurt while driving. In all the force it took to destroy that car and take her life, the yogurt remained in place....the fork she was using and the top of the container are clearly photographed resting between the drivers seat and door. Yogurt!!!! How F'ed up is that???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrsduc Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Well you can forget about me seeing a therapist because I have no insurance and they are way too expensive for me to see and pay cash. I have looked into grief support groups but the ones that are free only meet once a month and they have a 8 month waiting list because they only allow 11 people at a time. So I have learned to have to do things in my head by myself. I have felt the same way Robert felt many many times feeling like I don't belong in this life and I have had many many many pains and heartache in my life maybe not more then others but more then most. But I learn to figure out how to pick myself up on my own and I see that I will do it this time too. Just because I feel and think that God put me on this earth for whatever reason to have all this pain and hearache in my life and I feel like whats the point does not mean I will kill myself. I just do not understand the purpose of my life at all. Did not understand it before Roberts death and I don't understand it now. I just exist and so that is the whole truth about me. And I really do see that I do not belong on this sight at all. I thank you for trying to help me but I know that this is something that once again in my life I am alone and will always be alone in this world. And for some reason that is the way God wants me to be for I try and try again to reach out and just like Robert we both tend to open up way too fast and then we realize our mistake and then it is too late. So thank you and I am sorry for wasting someone elses time.Linda, your last line alone tells me to urge you to talk with a therapist. I know that the drugs help some, but can't do it alone, the mind that has been ravaged by this kind of loss is not going to learn how to heal without some help. We are help, yes, but some of us, me included, needed some therapy to help us learn some ways in which to help ourselves in this journey. Many of us have talked about the lonliness factor, seems to be inherent in our loss. Even in a room full of folks, we are alone in our loss. We are the only ones feeling just as we are, getting tools from a therapist to help us work through the deep deep lows is important. It never means getting over the sadness, it means learning to get through it to find a life that we can carve from the remnants. You may feel that you have nothing to carve from, the other children dismissing you, but something good is there for you because Robert is good and he loves you. He will always love you. Hang on please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Susan, I remember reading up on the brain after Erica died. Her brain-stem was nearly severed but she hung on anyway. The docs said that her heart was amazingly strong, but the brain-stem was going to be what kills her, only a strand left connected and brain bleeds all over plus the broken neck. Had we lived in Europe she would have been able to be declared brain-dead and we could have harvested that amazingly healthy heart, there was a 10 year old boy being groomed for it at another hospital in Michigan, but in our country, as long as there is one tiny bit of brain work, they cannot be called brain-dead. Eri still had one pupil that very slowly dialated with light indicating brain activity. So we had to decide when to take her off life support and let her go, her eyes, heart valves, bone, going to others, but I always think of that 10 year old boy, hoping that he received a wonderful heart. Eri's donations have been used in over 20 operations. Eri would have died in a matter of a week or less but it was time after 6 days, to let her go, to stop the machines that raised her chest with each breath. Let her go free.I know that reading what you did and reading 27 minutes must make your head swivel, how can it be? And as far as time, it will always be the most abstract entity since Erica died. It is a bit more normalized now after this long, but still stuns and surprises me in many ways. Back that first and second year, time moved in ways that I could not even guess at. As hard as this is right now, it seems you are traveling through a stage that is necessary to your heart and spirit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Linda, why do you feel you don't belong here? We all belong here, we all suffer the loss of one so dear. You don't bum anyone out, you are where you are due to circumstances that suck. I am sorry, I did not mean to offend if I did about therapy. In my town and surrounding area, there are sliding scale centers that can assist those without insurance. I just know that feeling like you are out there in the wind without anyone is such a lonely feeling and I wish I could help in some way. I know that therapy helped me and being here of course. We gather here and while we are alone in our own grief, we are connected to each other in theirs letting us know that there are others that get it. We get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 dear susan,i wish i knew how life left my son too. i have the police report that said died at the scene and the death certificate says blunt force trauma. the kids were pronounced dead 4 minutes after the 911 call. i got no pictures of the scene only pics of the car taken at the junk yard. i keep looking at them trying to figure out exactly what happened. the car was so destroyed. when i see a car like it parked i try to compare the photos to see what part is what and how far back it was torn apart. did they cut the roof back over my son or was it ripped off by the semi? how did they get the car out to get to the kids? they were not going to let anyone view him at all until they heard me screaming and wailing on the floor of the funeral home. the mortician told me she could hear me and knew she had to do something so the next day they allowed viewing. they covered my son's face in the casket from the bridge of his nose down with fabric. when i leaned in to hold him they warned me not to disturb his right ear. it was covered by his hair. i could see under the edge of the fabric my son's face was wrapped heavily in white, looked almost rigid like a cast. i did talk to the justice of the peace who went to the scene. she said they definitely were never conscious for a sec after impact. forest's girlfriend's father only got to go identify her by her thumb. she was covered with a sheet except from her elbow down. he said he could tell she was completely crushed from her waist up. they went into the back of a parked semi at 67 miles an hour. they were apparently asleep she driving. i just wonder did they awaken a split second before and feel terror? when i drive past a semi and look at the heavy steel bumper i always am imagining what happened. i've gotten to hate trucks. i don't even know if his legs were intact. i kinda doubt it. i could see his hands were cut and bruised. i guess it was for the best i didn't see his injuries but at the same time that is my baby and i feel like i should have. i could have just laid on him with my arms wrapped around him forever. i felt overwhelming love and peace holding him even though he was dead. that doesn't make a lot of sense unless he was holding me too. god i love my son soo much. it is making me cry. i didn't want him embalmed so i could hold him but they had to bring him home from texas and their law required it. for days i couldn't say the word embalmed. it took texas 3 months to get me a corrected accident report. they kept sending me incorrect stuff. 15 phone calls later including being yelled at and hung up on i finally got it. i hate texas now too. sorry maddy and others but i'm from oklahoma-natural rivals - then my son died there, they made me release him for embalmment and the dept of trans. was so unbelievably awful to a bereaved mom i ended up in having a couple complete on the floor break downs after talking to them. i'm sorry susan for rambling on and on and not addressing your pain also. your post just brought up so much in me. i am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter and sorry that you have to deal with that sliver of time and the glimmer of the chance that she might have somehow been saved. i know you are aware of the realities but i would be eternally rewriting those 27 min. i am sorry. i have been trying to work on how to incorporate forest into my soul (when i think of that word i think of the video where he drags out that word when he says "you think the camera steals your soul". replaying the tragedy is getting less necessary as i strive to be one with consciousness but i still fall back to it. it still seems somewhat needed to me, maybe because i am still trying to fit all the pieces or i'm trying to be there in my son's last moments. i need the intimacy of being there with him as he goes through dying. i wailed "oh god forest don't leave me" once by the casket but immediately became aware my 18 year old was in the room and had enough cognizance to spare him witnessing me continuing. probably a good thing or i'd probably be there still. aw well love to you. i hope your journey gets easier, not less intense but somehow more meaningful and filled with undeniable existence of shannon's love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Susie_q512 Posted April 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 28, 2012 Thank you Dee and Gretchen. I suppose that we all struggle to find that understanding.....that little piece of something (anything) that will help make sense of the loss of the physical lives of our kids. I often think that the TV reality shows, movies and books paint such a different picture, that we then expect things to follow the same course. Most show some miraculous recovery of some sort. The same seems to be true for grief as well. I find myself comparing my response and process to what I think in my mind is appropriate or expected....what I expected is not the reality at all - not even close! Linda - I am afraid that where I am in my own grief journey causes me to be rather useless to anyone right now, but I do want you to know that people here do care for you. No one can walk the steps for us, but we are not alone in our journey. We hold each other close to our hearts and always in our prayers. If any of us could take the pain away from another person suffering so, we would. We cannot stop or ease the pain, but we can share the journey through understanding and compassion. Prayers that some measure of peace will find its way to you, and that you can know that at least here, you are not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maddy6 Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Susan, so glad to see you today. I was hoping everything was fine. I am sorry for what you are going through right now and the angst over the reports on Shannon. I did stuff like that too, I think we need to do those things until we no longer need to do them. ~~~~~,Linda, I wanted to tell you that my sister when she was younger was a homemaker with 3 young boys. Her husband had an affair and walked out. To make matters worse he had no remorse and even placed her in a very difficult position financially so she had to struggle. She would work as a sitter all night with sick people and put herself though school to become an RN. She had to pay her ex-husband back for his fair share of their house etc. He did not even bother trying to see his kids until they were in their teen years. Through all of this I never once heard her say anything unkind about him in front of her children. Then, when they became adults, all 3, but especially the younger 2 deeply desired a relationship with their father. They all became very close to him and on top of that he told them unkind things about their mom to try to justify what he did. I say all of that to say that kids have that need to have a relationship with their dad, regardless of what he has done. It is not you. I think kids overlook things that would be to painful to admit to themselves because they desperately want their father's acceptance and love.~~~~~Linda, I am sorry you are feeling so down and despondent. This is a painful journey. We are here for you and we care. We all know and understand the deep hurt and sorrow. You have had much sorrow in your life and you are an inspiration in that you still show courage, you have overcame so very much. All of that perseverance you learned through all those painful events in your past have made you the strong and courageous woman you are. I KNOW that today you feel as if you will never, ever feel happy again or have joy in life again. But you will. It will come in time, but eventually it will. Hang in there and come back often and talk to us, we care and we will listen. Share whatever you like, rant, rage, scream, cry, ramble......we are here and we care.~~~~~~~~~Dee, I enjoyed reading your amazing story of Eri. How wonderful that she gave life donations to 20 people in operations. Oh, I would so love to have been able to do that with Rachael. I also cannot imagine the disappointment you must have felt over the 10 year old boy, knowing Eri would have been honored with the giving of such a gift. Have you ever had the opportunity to meet any of the people who received Eri's gifts? When my niece died, an elderly lady received her eyes and my sister-in-law was able to meet the lady.~~~~~~~~~Oh Gretchen, I am sure they did not wake up before the impact of the crash. Please try not to think such painful things. Although I understand the need to. Also.....do not worry one bit about hating Texas over that. I am sure they deserve it. I am here because they opened their arms and heart after Katrina to us. But......you have apparently never heard my story about how they told us and the coroner report etc. So if they did to you what they did to me, there is no question they deserve your disdain. Also, did you know that Rachael died with her boyfriend on the same night? You are amazing and strong and I think Forest must be so very proud of you.Susan, I almost forgot. I did want to let you know our family got a kitten. The kitten and the dog are friends and play together. It is providing much laughter in our home. We cannot wait until she gets bigger and the dog is in for a big surprise because he can get the upper hand now. But as she grows we think he will not. So I wanted to tell you about that animal lover that you are.~~~~~~~Carol, prayers and thoughts for the 7th.So I will go now as there is another art festival in a neighboring city and hubby and I may go this evening.~~~~~~LOVE, MADDY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Hi Maddy, good words to Linda, and I agree, sometimes kids need to just be with the parent that they missed all those years, even if the reason they missed them is the parent who made it that way. Go figure.No Maddy, I have never met the woman and the man who woke with vision the day after ERi died, each of them receiving one of Eri's eyes. I have never met the man who received her full knee and the young teen who also got a knee, nor any of the babies who needed bone for surgeries to correct bone issues nor the people that received her valves or any other pieces. I actually think the number of surgeries was way higher than 20, but my memory does not serve well and the paper is in a drawer with so many other papers and photos that I don't want to look at right now. Too much. I am thinking that the number of surgeries is more like 50. I will check one day. I am so pleased that Eri was able to assist so many. Had she not been taken of of life support, she would have been able to give her lungs, liver, heart, kidney...but with oxygen deprived time, not viable.I am sure that Eri was happy to give what she could. She was/is that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesmum Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Linda ~ The worst part of this journey is being in world surrounded by people who haven't been touched by this experience. The have the ability to make us feel more isolated. The ache, the sadness the loss is still so raw for you. I can say that it took the better part of 3yrs before I got to 'feel' anything but lost. Harder to believe it was 'normal'. The need for counselling and support from those who know is hard without insurance. Don't know if there is an opportunity for you to access these services through community support networks. As for not belonging here...well that's the beauty of this site. While we might not think we belong ~ we don't want to belong ~ this is the one place you are able to connect, to find others that know the path you have embarked on. There is so much to this journey that takes its toll.Back here, well lets just say its not all sunshine and roses......heavy heart.I hope that you are all enjoying the Spring...we didn't use the summer so it should be great for you.The local doctor here (not my regular) asked how I was doing....when I told him I still have 'down days' he launched into the basis of 'seasonal depression'. You mean I feel like this cause its cold and dark!?? Nothing to do with Mike being gone....cause that was sooooo long ago...Nite All. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 hey maddynice of you to say so but not feeling too strong or amazing right this minute. went to bed last night and tonight and wept and screamed. two steps forward one step back?i have some left over xanex from the first month forest died so i got up ate ice cream and took one because i didn't want to keep feeling. don't know what brought this on. maybe just want it to all be over.just so tired of him being gone and beginning to know how forever that is makes me just want to check out sometimes. i'm sure i'll get it back together tomorrow but for tonight i just couldn't and didn't want to try but also didn't want to be stuck in the nightmare of him being gone so - better living through chemistry i suppose.i do remember that rachael's boyfriend also passed and i believe was drug overdose? he on the couch she in the bed? don't answer if you don't want but was curious if they just accidentally both did too much of whatever or it was bad drugs? i was guessing by what i remember it wasn't suicide. i still have some trouble keeping everyone straight. seems like these pills are starting work so i'm out of here. btw what town are you in? i live between konawa and maud in south central ok..attached is cute new photo of madelyn dayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrsduc Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 I cannot go to a therapy place that excepts sliding scales because of the situation that we are in. We live in a house that my father owns and since he puts money directly into my account so I can pay bills and by food while I take care of him and he claims us on his taxes I cannot get him into trouble so I have to keep quiet. So that is where that stands. Now I understand about Tom and Chris wanting to be with their father but it has always been hard for me to understand why Robert kept hitting his head up against a brick wall when it came to his grandparents but especially his grandmother. He told me that he loved and adored her and all he wanted from her was what he got fromm me unconditional love and exceptance. But I kept trying to tell him that some people are not able to do that and it was not anything that was his fault. But I know that had alot to do with why he killed himself. My love was great but it was not what he was seeking. Just like the other boys they tell me that all I will ever be is a birth mom and nothing more but that they love me anyway. It is not anything that their father has said or done. If anything he has been trying to get them to get all of us together even with my husband so that maybe this family could start to heal. But they hear I am going to be at my ex's house and the boys refuse to come. SO it sends the message to me loud and clear. SO I am too tired to try with them anymore. With Tom I have been trying for over 11 years and with Chris I have been trying for only 10 years but now he has not allowed me to be in my granddaughters life and she will be one this July. The first time I met her was when I went to my ex's house the day that we found out RObert was dead on Jan. 18 and then I saw her at the memorial the grandparents had on feb. 25 and that is it. Nothing more. I even called him and asked him how he would feel about me and my husband coming to visit at his house for acouple of hours on a saturday or a sunday and he was not too nice about it and said I don't know I will talk to my wife. SO it has been over a week so I know the answer is no. But there father gets all fun but his father told me when we were married that he would always come up smelling like a rose and he was right. he gets to have our granddaughter all night long and he gets to spend most weekends with her. Just hurts and their is nothing I can do but close my heart to protect myself. But I blame not only all the adults in Roberts life growing up (me too) but especially his grandparents for the desire that Robert had to die. he felt that it was no ones fault. But that was how sweet he was he could not allow anyone to believe that it was their fault and have to live with that. But they decided even before the death certificate that Robert had not killed himself. And if I ever said that they went off on me. Someone had called them and said I had posted on Facebook that Robert had killed himself. First of all I was keeping the suicide video away from all that side of the family because I did not want them to be hurt like that. And I also knew that it might kill my ex mother in-law and as much as I know she is my enemy I still did not want her to hurt. I sent her symphathy flowers but nothing from her came to me. But anyway Robert's grandparents called me up and started cussing me out and I put them on speaker so that my husband could hear and he so wanted to go off on them but I put my finger to my lips because for the first time after so many years I had someone hearing just a part of how I was treated on a moment by moment basis when I was married to their son. I just thought that death was suppose to bring families together but I guess if you don't have a relationship in the first place then I guess it just makes the gap worse. Right now I am down to 12 days until my birth sister comes to be with me and I am trying to focus on that. It is not that I don't think and talk to Robert every second of the day in my head. But I know that Kim my birth sister and I are so close and when she heard about Robert's death she dropped everything and came to be with me from another state. She is going on the cruise with me and we are sharing a room together. I am more excited on seeing her then anything else. So that is what I am working on now. Or should I say trying to keep my eye on. I have already spoken to Robert and I know Robert so well that I know he would want me to go and have fun and laugh. I will do the best I can for atleast 4 days. But I know that he will be with me for he has my heart. Linda, why do you feel you don't belong here? We all belong here, we all suffer the loss of one so dear. You don't bum anyone out, you are where you are due to circumstances that suck. I am sorry, I did not mean to offend if I did about therapy. In my town and surrounding area, there are sliding scale centers that can assist those without insurance. I just know that feeling like you are out there in the wind without anyone is such a lonely feeling and I wish I could help in some way. I know that therapy helped me and being here of course. We gather here and while we are alone in our own grief, we are connected to each other in theirs letting us know that there are others that get it. We get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Susie_q512 Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Stephanie................Stephanie..................Stephanie !!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!! May your sweet angel spirit surround your mom and those you love today. May they be filled with beautiful memories of the wonder of your life and the blessings you brought to them. May they feel your angel hugs and kisses, and may they know that you are always with them.Susannah - not sure if you still check in or not, but know that you and your girl are not forgotten. Much love to you today, my friend.Linda - Hoping that the time you get to spend with your sister will be a blessing to you. May it be a balm for your broken heart and wounded spirit....if only for a short while.Kate - I think of you often and truly hope that you are doing well. Carol - My thoughts are with you and your hubby constantly. Prayers are lifted on your behalf that the days, weeks and months ahead will be gentle and filled with many miracles.Dianne - Are you still with us??? I think of you often as well.Colleen - June is approaching, and I think of you every time I think of Shannon's birthday. Our angels share that special day. Know that you and your sweet boy will be held close to my heart on that day.Becky - How can I not think of you? Our angels being teenagers and both lost to a senseless accident....your posts of your own struggles so closely reflect my journey.Ronnie - How are you? I don't check in often or regularly, but I haven't seen you post.....hope you are okay???Daniel's Dad - I think I read a post about answering the question of how you are doing....my response is typically, "I have a pulse." Negative response, I know, but still it's about all I can say on that matter unless I am speaking to others who understand (through experience) of where I am in this nightmare. Every day that is now behind me is one day closer to being reunited with Shannon....most people consider that to be a negative thought as well, but it does have it's positive side to it....maybe one day we'll feel something other than this pain, sorrow and hopelessness??? My heart to you as you too struggle to find your footing on this new path.So many others that I wish to communicate with, but my mind won't allow me to make all the connections to posts that I've read. Please know that I carry each of you in my heart daily.I seem to be transitioning into another place on this journey....not sure where I'll land, but I'm moving somewhere. Shock, disbelief and denial are still with me. As well as the anger, but depression has definitely taken up residence within my soul. The last few weeks have been difficult as I seem to be experiencing and increase in emotion. More tears, even sobs, are escaping me. That may be a good thing as I have been so closed off emotionally since Shannon's death. The pain has seemed to be held hostage somewhere deep inside of me, so maybe it's time for it to seek release? I've conquered the battle of trying to piece together what happened physically to Shannon that caused life to leave her so very quickly without hope of being saved. I think that was necessary for me to move into this new phase....so now I wait to see what this new phase will actually be? I still want to curl into a ball and die, but that's not an option, so I wait. I am miserable, at best.....and lost. Being lost is a terrible feeling. Unsure where to go or what to do....so I just wait for the next round in this battle. Trudi, Rhonda, Maddie, Betsie, Gretchen, Dee, ...(?)....names are flowing through my mind, but having trouble connecting the dots to the posts and my thoughts Love to all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 I cannot go to a therapy place that excepts sliding scales because of the situation that we are in. We live in a house that my father owns and since he puts money directly into my account so I can pay bills and by food while I take care of him and he claims us on his taxes I cannot get him into trouble so I have to keep quiet. So that is where that stands. Now I understand about Tom and Chris wanting to be with their father but it has always been hard for me to understand why Robert kept hitting his head up against a brick wall when it came to his grandparents but especially his grandmother. He told me that he loved and adored her and all he wanted from her was what he got fromm me unconditional love and exceptance. But I kept trying to tell him that some people are not able to do that and it was not anything that was his fault. But I know that had alot to do with why he killed himself. My love was great but it was not what he was seeking. Just like the other boys they tell me that all I will ever be is a birth mom and nothing more but that they love me anyway. It is not anything that their father has said or done. If anything he has been trying to get them to get all of us together even with my husband so that maybe this family could start to heal. But they hear I am going to be at my ex's house and the boys refuse to come. SO it sends the message to me loud and clear. SO I am too tired to try with them anymore. With Tom I have been trying for over 11 years and with Chris I have been trying for only 10 years but now he has not allowed me to be in my granddaughters life and she will be one this July. The first time I met her was when I went to my ex's house the day that we found out RObert was dead on Jan. 18 and then I saw her at the memorial the grandparents had on feb. 25 and that is it. Nothing more. I even called him and asked him how he would feel about me and my husband coming to visit at his house for acouple of hours on a saturday or a sunday and he was not too nice about it and said I don't know I will talk to my wife. SO it has been over a week so I know the answer is no. But there father gets all fun but his father told me when we were married that he would always come up smelling like a rose and he was right. he gets to have our granddaughter all night long and he gets to spend most weekends with her. Just hurts and their is nothing I can do but close my heart to protect myself. But I blame not only all the adults in Roberts life growing up (me too) but especially his grandparents for the desire that Robert had to die. he felt that it was no ones fault. But that was how sweet he was he could not allow anyone to believe that it was their fault and have to live with that. But they decided even before the death certificate that Robert had not killed himself. And if I ever said that they went off on me. Someone had called them and said I had posted on Facebook that Robert had killed himself. First of all I was keeping the suicide video away from all that side of the family because I did not want them to be hurt like that. And I also knew that it might kill my ex mother in-law and as much as I know she is my enemy I still did not want her to hurt. I sent her symphathy flowers but nothing from her came to me. But anyway Robert's grandparents called me up and started cussing me out and I put them on speaker so that my husband could hear and he so wanted to go off on them but I put my finger to my lips because for the first time after so many years I had someone hearing just a part of how I was treated on a moment by moment basis when I was married to their son. I just thought that death was suppose to bring families together but I guess if you don't have a relationship in the first place then I guess it just makes the gap worse. Right now I am down to 12 days until my birth sister comes to be with me and I am trying to focus on that. It is not that I don't think and talk to Robert every second of the day in my head. But I know that Kim my birth sister and I are so close and when she heard about Robert's death she dropped everything and came to be with me from another state. She is going on the cruise with me and we are sharing a room together. I am more excited on seeing her then anything else. So that is what I am working on now. Or should I say trying to keep my eye on. I have already spoken to Robert and I know Robert so well that I know he would want me to go and have fun and laugh. I will do the best I can for atleast 4 days. But I know that he will be with me for he has my heart. Linda, I am truly sorry you are having so many problems with your family. I am also very glad to see that you will be able to visit with your birth sister really soon. It will do you the world of good to get away and just try to relax and regain some energy. I also believe it would be a very good idea for you to give the videos to your husband to put away in a safe place. Perhaps it would be best not to look at them for some time until you are stronger. You are just tormenting yourself with watching them. You cannot bring Robert back. What happened is now over and you will at some point start to move forward with your life in a new direction. It takes so much effort and time. But it will happen. And at some point you will start to see that the good days outnumber the bad. Yes, your life it forever changed, but you will find the strength to keep going. If things seem overwhelming then take just one day at a time. Focus on only that day and getting through it. Make a to do list of things that you can do that will help you to feel as if you are accomplishing something... and then stroke them out as they are done. It helped me. And it worked. Beating yourself up over guilt and what if's and if only's will only make you feel worse. Focus on the positives about Robert and his love for you. And also know that you were a loving mom. And do check out counselling opportunities in your area for positions such as yours. I am sure there are free grief sessions run by hospitals, churches, etc. Go on the cruise...try to enjoy it and then come home and find some support from counselling. It will help you to feel better in the long run...these people are there to help with the hurt and pain. Try it. Please. Take care.Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 hey maddynice of you to say so but not feeling too strong or amazing right this minute. went to bed last night and tonight and wept and screamed. two steps forward one step back?i have some left over xanex from the first month forest died so i got up ate ice cream and took one because i didn't want to keep feeling. don't know what brought this on. maybe just want it to all be over.just so tired of him being gone and beginning to know how forever that is makes me just want to check out sometimes. i'm sure i'll get it back together tomorrow but for tonight i just couldn't and didn't want to try but also didn't want to be stuck in the nightmare of him being gone so - better living through chemistry i suppose.i do remember that rachael's boyfriend also passed and i believe was drug overdose? he on the couch she in the bed? don't answer if you don't want but was curious if they just accidentally both did too much of whatever or it was bad drugs? i was guessing by what i remember it wasn't suicide. i still have some trouble keeping everyone straight. seems like these pills are starting work so i'm out of here. btw what town are you in? i live between konawa and maud in south central ok..attached is cute new photo of madelyn dayneGretchen..so sorry to see you are having such a difficult time. It comes in waves at the beginning. When the initial fog lifts and and you begin to get into some sort of routine you find that you are getting along alright. Then it hits you out of the blue that this has happened. It is a form of blocking out in a way. It can sweep over you without warning. The first couple of years are definitely the worst. But there will always be hard times when you recall your child. It is just a fact of life. They are missing and there is a huge void left in our lives. That void will never be filled. But we can help ourselves by trying to keep going forward. If someone were to ask me what was the biggest help in all of this... I would have to say by keeping busy and active. Trying to help others who are also going through this has helped in a way. Knowing we are not alone in this and that people on this site do get it does help tremendously. Still when we sign off we are alone with our pain and faced to deal with it as best as we are able. I would like to also add something about drug addiction and alcohol abuse in young adults. It appears to be on the rise from all articles I have been reading and posts I have viewed. Kids today need to be educated properly about the dangers of what can happen to them if they get into a place they cannot control. Alcohol poisoning is all too common in young adults. Drug overdose is something we are all too familiar with...particularly on this site. I would like to see the dealers put away for life with no opportunity for parole. My son did not die from addiciton..but he did have access to this junk on a daily basis given his career. It can break people...ruin their lives and destroy families. He saw it daily working with the street people. Decent, good people in many ways that could not control their needs. I blame the dealers. Corrupting young kids. They should be made an example of and starting now. Life in prison. End of story. That's my opinion anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 dear susan,i wish i knew how life left my son too. i have the police report that said died at the scene and the death certificate says blunt force trauma. the kids were pronounced dead 4 minutes after the 911 call. i got no pictures of the scene only pics of the car taken at the junk yard. i keep looking at them trying to figure out exactly what happened. the car was so destroyed. when i see a car like it parked i try to compare the photos to see what part is what and how far back it was torn apart. did they cut the roof back over my son or was it ripped off by the semi? how did they get the car out to get to the kids? they were not going to let anyone view him at all until they heard me screaming and wailing on the floor of the funeral home. the mortician told me she could hear me and knew she had to do something so the next day they allowed viewing. they covered my son's face in the casket from the bridge of his nose down with fabric. when i leaned in to hold him they warned me not to disturb his right ear. it was covered by his hair. i could see under the edge of the fabric my son's face was wrapped heavily in white, looked almost rigid like a cast. i did talk to the justice of the peace who went to the scene. she said they definitely were never conscious for a sec after impact. forest's girlfriend's father only got to go identify her by her thumb. she was covered with a sheet except from her elbow down. he said he could tell she was completely crushed from her waist up. they went into the back of a parked semi at 67 miles an hour. they were apparently asleep she driving. i just wonder did they awaken a split second before and feel terror? when i drive past a semi and look at the heavy steel bumper i always am imagining what happened. i've gotten to hate trucks. i don't even know if his legs were intact. i kinda doubt it. i could see his hands were cut and bruised. i guess it was for the best i didn't see his injuries but at the same time that is my baby and i feel like i should have. i could have just laid on him with my arms wrapped around him forever. i felt overwhelming love and peace holding him even though he was dead. that doesn't make a lot of sense unless he was holding me too. god i love my son soo much. it is making me cry. i didn't want him embalmed so i could hold him but they had to bring him home from texas and their law required it. for days i couldn't say the word embalmed. it took texas 3 months to get me a corrected accident report. they kept sending me incorrect stuff. 15 phone calls later including being yelled at and hung up on i finally got it. i hate texas now too. sorry maddy and others but i'm from oklahoma-natural rivals - then my son died there, they made me release him for embalmment and the dept of trans. was so unbelievably awful to a bereaved mom i ended up in having a couple complete on the floor break downs after talking to them. i'm sorry susan for rambling on and on and not addressing your pain also. your post just brought up so much in me. i am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter and sorry that you have to deal with that sliver of time and the glimmer of the chance that she might have somehow been saved. i know you are aware of the realities but i would be eternally rewriting those 27 min. i am sorry. i have been trying to work on how to incorporate forest into my soul (when i think of that word i think of the video where he drags out that word when he says "you think the camera steals your soul". replaying the tragedy is getting less necessary as i strive to be one with consciousness but i still fall back to it. it still seems somewhat needed to me, maybe because i am still trying to fit all the pieces or i'm trying to be there in my son's last moments. i need the intimacy of being there with him as he goes through dying. i wailed "oh god forest don't leave me" once by the casket but immediately became aware my 18 year old was in the room and had enough cognizance to spare him witnessing me continuing. probably a good thing or i'd probably be there still. aw well love to you. i hope your journey gets easier, not less intense but somehow more meaningful and filled with undeniable existence of shannon's love.Gretchen...I am so sorry for your loss! I truly am! I am absolutley confident that they were correct when they told you that they went quickly and did not waken after impact. I know all of us relive those last few hours and try to figure out how it could have been different. It is a really horrible thing as a parent to have to continually think, dream, etc. of those last difficult hours. It is now two years for me and I am still having nightmares of what we witnessed. I try to block the memories of it during the day...but I have no control when I am asleep. All I can offer is that I hope you can try to only think of beautiful memories you have of the past when these flashbacks and thoughts occur. Try to not allow yourself to think of the bad stuff. Take care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Happy Heavenly Birthday, Stephanie!! I miss your posts, Susannah! I hope you check in to see that we haven't forgotten you or your sweet girl!Susan, you are never far from my thoughts either. I hope Jared and Shannon are BFF's in heaven, as Jared was always smiling and joking and making new friends. The last two days have been so hard. The autopsy report finally in from the medical examiner's office on my request. No photos, just the 4 page report. There was so much of it that I didn't fully understand because I am not familiar with the medical terminology, but then spent quite a bit of time researching it, and translating that info to Jerry and Jasmine, who still are plagued with questions of what if's. Like what if the medical response had been quicker, What if he had survived the crash, what state would he be in, etc. Thinking about it, and trying to understand it, has put us all in a funk. I didn't fall asleep last night until after 3am. Jasmine dreamed that he lived for a few days afterward, but wasn't able to speak to her. I wish I would dream anything, but if I ever dream anything, I don't remember it. From what I could glean from this report, I believe he died quickly. I can also see that had he survived the impact that he would have been severely brain damaged as well as paralyzed, and I would never want that for him. I believe God made the right decsion in that moment, but still don't understand why it had to happen at all. Add to that the feeling that there is no justice in this world, and the feeling that vile undeserving people have fared better than we have..... I just don't know what to think and feel anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 STEPHANIEMay this Birthday in Heaven find you touching the lives of your Babies so that they feel your presence, as well as that of your Mom and siblings. May you be free as a bird, free as the wind, free to spread your joy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Susie_q512 Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Becky - I have felt the same way about Shannon's accident and immediate death. I has helped me to view the police photos, although it was not an easy task. Had she lived, she would have been miserable....possibly never regaining any real consciousness or use of her body. I also wish that it had just never had happened, but for whatever reason, it did. I exhausted myself with trying to learn medically and physically what occurred within her body, but the effort was fruitful in providing me better clarity and understanding. My sister-in-law called me this afternoon to tell me that she ran into one of her old high school friends. This old friend of hers happens to be the 911 operator that was taking my calls that day and trying to assist me. She stated that she would be willing to provide documentation as well as meetings between me and the first responders. I may take her up on that offer, but for right now, I seem to have settled down somewhat. I guess I don't feel as driven and obsessed as I was before. Now the question seems to be, "What do I do with myself?" I have no motivation, yet can't sit still. What's a person to do?I like to think that our angels know one another. It's sweet to try to envision them smiling, happy, perfectly content, and enjoying all the wonders of their new world. I trust that they are with us, yet unable to be effected by our deep sadness....only love, peace and perfection. Maybe there is a greater understanding beyond the veil that separates our worlds?How is it going as far as charges against the driver? Are they refusing to press charges or pursue the case? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 Deleted, sent PM to Susan. Sorry!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesmomrs Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 HAPPY BIRTHDAY! SWEET STEPHANIE! Please surround your mom with your sweet spirit and celebrate your day with our angels. Brush by your babies and let them know you are with them always. Susannah...holding you close in thought and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hotrod Posted April 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 29, 2012 HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET STEPHANIE IN OUR THOUGHTS ALWAYS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Reality check...who are we kidding? I am two years into this and tonight it hurts like heck!. I try to give comfort and advice, but who am I? Is there really a time frame we can adhere too? It simply does not exist. In losing everything I have learned the true meaning of life. There is so price tag attached to this. It is not for sale and nobody would want to buy it. He is gone. And he is not coming back. How do I begin to live my life without him? Where do I start? So many good people out there that truly do care. Why am I feeling so abandoned? Am I really that stubborn and proud to not accept their help? Or is it always on my terms or theirs? Has his abscence taught me to question my everything? It has. I have been brought back to the basics. The primal feeling. Just to exist is all I ask for. This grieving has ripped me open. Taken my very heart and soul and made it open for all to see. The life I gave has been taken from me. I feel as if I have failed . I gave my all but it was not enough. How much is enough? Why did he die? Why? Was love not enough? Please come home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sholl1955 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Every day seems to bring a new reminder of the loss of our dear Sarah, and i know this is only the beginning of this never ending journey. Early in the week I went to have some blood work done and the Registrar was verifying the information on file. She asked if my emergency contact was still Sarah. It took my breath away for a moment and I had to change the one who had been my contact for so long. Today I was working on some paperwork for an insurance policy that she had. I began to think of her birth and that a couple of days after she was born, I vividly remember the nurse bringing me the paper work to fill out for her birth certificate. I remember saying to my tiny little baby, "I wonder Sarah how many times I will be signing papers for you?" Well, today I held her death certificate in my hands as I prepared the paperwork. I never imagined that the last time I would be signing a documentation for my baby would involve verifying her death certificate. Oh how this pain is tearing at my heart and soul. And again I know this is just the beginning. The pain gets worse every day, and I know that you all understand. Thank you for listening to me.Sandy (Sarah's Mama) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 517958 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 So is this it guys? Terrible sadness forever? What did I do to deserve this horrible life sentence I've been given? I keep wracking my brain trying to figure it out. I've said dumb stuff in my time and I made mistakes as a mother with Charlotte and my other kids. Char was so wonderful and special maybe I just didn't deserve to be her mom. I hate this. I can't take it anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Susie_q512 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Oh Kate - I wish I had the answers. I'd surely give them if I could. Two years?.....but it was just yesterday. It will always be just yesterday for us. Sometimes it feels that for every step forward, we are pushed so many more steps backwards....often to the beginning....back to those first moments - that first step. I'm not sure if you remember this or not, but I once posted about a lady who had lost her daughter suddenly 28 years prior to the time of the interview. She stated: It never goes away. It never gets any easier; it just becomes familiar. (I'm thinking that she's right. Her description of what I can expect seems the easiest for me to wrap my mind around.) I don't know, Kate. Maybe we just eventually get used to this misery and living in this constant state of pain? It definitely pierces us straight through to our very souls. I've read somewhere, and shared this earlier today with someone, that grief is an expression of our great love for that one so special and so cherished. If I have any advise worth giving, it would be this: Let your great love for your son flow.....every tear, every scream, every ounce of pain you feel is a testament of your great and endless love for him. Pour out your heart, Kate. Let the universe know of your great love for your precious boy.Sarah's Mama - The death certificate gets us all. We never could have imagined that we would hold that piece of paper in our hands. It's like a dagger to the heart. Sometimes it may feel as though her life was just a dream....that's how I've often felt. (Looking at my daughter's birth certificate has been harder for me. It tells me that she wasn't a dream....that she was really here....and that I lost her.) My heart to you.....God, I know how badly you are hurting. Wish I could wake us all up.Dee - Wish you were here....we could sure use your wisdom and insight tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Susan, I am here though can only offer what I truly believe...that the light of your Sweet Child will lead the way and you will not always feel this deep and desperate sadness. It will always be nearby, but eventually, what you will feel more than that is the love, our Children's love is very strong and it crosses over the barriers of time and space and it will be present in your lives one day. I am not making this up. Sure I get sad, saying 9 years makes me feel sad, but I also feel Erica in things I do, music I hear, acts of goodness that I witness, and so I know she lets me know that she is FINE, more than fine. I miss her each day, I know that I always will, but I also feel with every fiber of my being, that she needs us to live our best lives in her light. In her honor. She loved life, I need to live mine well for her, for my Son, for the people who will always love her. I went on Amazon Books this eve, read the first 5 pages of a book called " When the Bough Breaks" a book on grief and mourning. It seems a well written book, at least the start of it, and the words that open it are very familiar to those spoken here. Perhaps a good one to read right now for many. I may get it too, because even 9 years is not so far away that it was just yesterday that Eri and I were on the phone laughing. We are forever connected to our Babies, and of that I am most grateful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 So is this it guys? Terrible sadness forever? What did I do to deserve this horrible life sentence I've been given? I keep wracking my brain trying to figure it out. I've said dumb stuff in my time and I made mistakes as a mother with Charlotte and my other kids. Char was so wonderful and special maybe I just didn't deserve to be her mom. I hate this. I can't take it anymore. Please do not go by me. It may seem like a long time, but two years is not all that long, as we had other family members dying. My MIL was dying from cancer. I too am lost in finding my way. It will be a year on May 31st. since she died and I am still exhausted. You will find peace in time. You will begin to start to feel better. I have and will continue to try. But the bottom line is that it takes a ton of time. You are going to be forever altered from this. Hold onto the positives and beautiful memories you have of your child. But it is a constant battle. And you did deserve to be her mom. You did nothing to deserve this...nor did we. You loved her. And she loved you. What more can we honestly ask for? The sadness comes in waves and can overwhelm you. Then you will find yourself going for ages doing ok. It will begin to lift. That is the norm in this process. It will never completely go away. How can it? There is no magic formula to make the pain erase. We have to take it as it comes and deal with it.Thanks Susan...just not feeling great tonight. Hope you are okay Susannah...glad to see you are still here with us. How are the kids doing? TCarol thinking of you and Ralph this weekend. Hope you are having a good visit with your daughter.Trudi...take care. The ups and downs are constant. I admire your determination to rise above the sadness.Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dhathc00 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 I would like to ask for help/ advice on how to handle dividing an insurance policy between the victims of the accident my son and his friend were killed in. First the driver of the truck was over 21 and one of the passengers were over 21. The other 3 were 18. The driver is charged with two counts of manslaughter and leaving the scene. The other 21 year old and the 18 yr old that were in the back of the truck received emergency room treatment and do not appear to have any long term injuries. The driver wasn’t hurt. I and my ex are being asked to settle with the insurance company by the parent of the other death victim. My problem is I feel its way to early (6 months since the wreck) to agree to any settlement for I do not know all the facts about how things happened that night. I would expect that if this goes to trial many of the details will come to light. Right now I do not feel I should agree to allow the other two victims any money beyond the extent of their medical bills, I even think they shouldn’t receive anything at all for they survived and they have the rest of their lives to pay what bills may have come from this,, especially the over 21. I do not think their med bills are all that much. There is some evidence that the boys all met at the other death victims parents house before they left to go out by the lake. I do not know if the parents were privy to the plan but they were at their house. Also I do not know who purchased the alcohol that night but I think it would be one of the 21+ yr olds,, And if in fact It was the 21 yr old that survived I would feel it is the wrong thing to have him receive any money for his part in the death of the two boys. For me the money we receive is incidental because it does nothing to cure my loss. But the thought that someone who contributed to my sons death were to receive money would seem totally wrong to me and I would regret kinowing they did. I tend to think the policy should be divided 50-50 between us and the other death victims family, if they didn't have any knowledge about what the group was doing that night otherwise If they had knowledge and allowed the boys to go then they are partially responsible as well and again I have a hard time allowing someone who contributed to receive any money from this. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesmomrs Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 My heart aches for all of you tonight...the pain we feel at the loss of one so special to us...one of our children...no, it should never be that we hold the death certificate of our child in our hands...I remember so vividly holding Mike's birth certificate and a special second one presented to us by the Base Commander...it had Mike's footprints on it and I remember running my fingers over those tiny footprints and thinking "where will these feet take you, my son, as you make your way through life. I pray they take you to places of joy and love." What joy I felt then! Holding his death certificate...my thoughts ripped through my heart and my pain was bottomless. I know that Mike had much joy and much love in his life, but I know that he also had sadness, as well. He got to do many things and for that I am grateful, but no matter what he got to do, my heart sometimes reminds me that it was not enough...just like your babies...they didn't get to do enough, and I pray that they are now doing it all. I don't know how to take this pain away from you all...I so wish I did and I could undo all of the sorrow and bring our children back. I can only reiterate what Dee has said...we do eventually feel the love of our children transcending the sadness and we begin to live more fully in their honor. They are with us, always, and when they see this renewal of our life and see us find joy once again, they are joy-filled for us. I know this is what they wish for us, that we do go on and live joyfully, live with the sweet memories of them and begin to see them in all of the good things that occur, the good things we see around us every day. Mike wanted us to live, as he said those words to me "You can't die because I do, mom." We know that he delights in our joyous moments, no matter how little they might be...they are monumental in our healing, and we are blessed to have them. My wish and prayer for you all is that you feel joy, even if only briefly...that you feel joy again, and that you feel in your heart that your sweet child approves, mightily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Susie_q512 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Angela - Geez....I've asked those same questions and thought those same thoughts a thousand times over. So many of us are so new to this journey, and our pain is so raw....how do we begin to help each other? As I said to Kate earlier, I just don't know anymore....the answers escape me. I have thought of you often and wondered how you were doing. I am sorry that you are hurting so terribly. Dee - Thank you for responding to those of us hurting. Your words bring much wisdom and give hope to me.Carol - Your response to those of us hurting, were some of the most beautiful words I've ever read. They brought me much comfort and encouragement. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Daniel's Dad - Not sure what to advise about the insurance money. I do understand where you're coming from, and I do think it wise to have all the facts before making a final decision. That being said, I do think that medical bills and funeral/burial expenses, if life insurance was not adequate to cover those expenses, should be considered in the settlement....but it seems that insurance would cover those expenses anyway, especially the medical costs. Seems like there should be a separate amount allotted for injury claims??? Insurance policies are confusing to me. Maybe some legal counsel or counsel from someone familiar with the insurance industry could shed more light? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrsduc Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 I am not sure the laws in your state, but I think that you need to talk to an experience lawyer to get advice from one to know exactly the best way to handle the settlement and if he/she thinks its too early they can file in the courts to ask for a delay which is easier for a lawyer to do then for you to do. I would like to ask for help/ advice on how to handle dividing an insurance policy between the victims of the accident my son and his friend were killed in. First the driver of the truck was over 21 and one of the passengers were over 21. The other 3 were 18. The driver is charged with two counts of manslaughter and leaving the scene. The other 21 year old and the 18 yr old that were in the back of the truck received emergency room treatment and do not appear to have any long term injuries. The driver wasn’t hurt. I and my ex are being asked to settle with the insurance company by the parent of the other death victim. My problem is I feel its way to early (6 months since the wreck) to agree to any settlement for I do not know all the facts about how things happened that night. I would expect that if this goes to trial many of the details will come to light. Right now I do not feel I should agree to allow the other two victims any money beyond the extent of their medical bills, I even think they shouldn’t receive anything at all for they survived and they have the rest of their lives to pay what bills may have come from this,, especially the over 21. I do not think their med bills are all that much. There is some evidence that the boys all met at the other death victims parents house before they left to go out by the lake. I do not know if the parents were privy to the plan but they were at their house. Also I do not know who purchased the alcohol that night but I think it would be one of the 21+ yr olds,, And if in fact It was the 21 yr old that survived I would feel it is the wrong thing to have him receive any money for his part in the death of the two boys. For me the money we receive is incidental because it does nothing to cure my loss. But the thought that someone who contributed to my sons death were to receive money would seem totally wrong to me and I would regret kinowing they did. I tend to think the policy should be divided 50-50 between us and the other death victims family, if they didn't have any knowledge about what the group was doing that night otherwise If they had knowledge and allowed the boys to go then they are partially responsible as well and again I have a hard time allowing someone who contributed to receive any money from this. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Greg, are you out there after the bad weather in your area on Saturday? Let us know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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