Loss of an Adult Child

[Maddy6]

Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5 NASB)

[Jeff's Mom]

Linda...glad your surgery went well. Thinking of you and wishing you a speedy recovery.

Vivian...So glad that your Mom came through the surgery ok. Prayers and positive thoughts sent your way for many years to come spent with your mom.

Maddy and Trudi...Oh yes, PTSD. I'm sure all of us have suffered from this at one time or another while walking along this road. Not fun. I am happy to report that today is a good one. No cell phones in the fridge, etc. I gave myself quite a scare. Goodness knows what the others thought.

Trudi...I am so happy that you will be coming over for a visit. September is a beautiful month to travel for the most part. Is this your second time? When exactly are the dates? We are off to Banff for a visit with our son and grandaughters in September. It is a special anniversary year and birthday year for us and so we decided to take a drive out to see the kids. By driving we can also take our dog along with us. She is far too fragile to leave in a kennel. If there was any way I could manage to make it to Chicago.. I would definitely love to meet everyone. Perhaps.

Thinking of all and wishing you the best day you can have.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Forgot to mention that last week we were discussing shrubs, trees, and gardens. There is a small town in Manitoba about 185km northwest of Winnipeg... called Neepawa. Some of you may be familiar with it, as it was the town where Margaret Laurence was born and raised. You may recall she wrote Stone Angel and The Diviners, etc. Lovely little place and in the summer they hold a Lily Festival in July. There is a parade and activities going on all week long. The Lily Nook is world renowned for its exotic lilies. They have a web site and can be purchased on line. The quality is top notch and the lilies are astounding.

On the top of the hill in town there is a cemetery. Every grave is planted with petunias. The entire grave area. It is just one large mass of colour. Perfectly and stunningly beautiful. There is also a monument on a grave of a large Stone Angel. This is where Margaret Laurence got the idea for the name of her novel. The Stone Angel. Just a little trivia.

[ericasmom]

Kate, the lilies sound amazing. I love Asian lilies, and day lilies -we have several types. Our anenomes and bearded iris are open in the wind and rain, (finally rain last night though accompanied by strong storms) and the lilacs and lilies of the valley, all giving such sweet aroma. A flurry today of rough winged butterflies, must have all hatched today, at least 30 in the yard and I just came home from a wedding shower for a little girl I used to teach and mentor, the shower was west by 30miles and there too, a zillion of the same butterflies. Isn't that amazing, they get the word it is opening day and they open. Ahhhh, the science and magic of it all.

Another storm coming, going to get outside before she blows. Be careful all in midwest as storms rip through. Gretchen, did you get through more storms?

[vivkib]

Hope you all are doing good today. Always praying for the comfort and healing of all on this journey. Mom had made small improvements though they still have her in a med. induced coma and will for some time yet. Some of the tubes have been removed and her blood pressure is stable. She isn't out of the woods yet and we won't know much till they bring her out of the coma. I'm trying to keep in mind what a strong woman my mom is and she's a fighter. I also know if it's her time to make the final journey home to be with the Lord, she will be greeted by those who went before her, my Dad and son Kevin will be the first to welcome her. I'm just not ready for that, I sttill need her here. Hugs and prayers to all. Vivian=Kevin's Mom

[ericasmom]

Vivian, I pray that she is able to be here with you for several more years, and whenever her time comes knowing she will be guided and greeted by Kevin and your Pops is comfort.

Well Chicago did not get the brunt of the damaging winds and tornadoes this weekend, we had some big winds, still have gusts up to 40mph, but it was Wisconsin and Iowa and Oklahoma again, I hope that everyone is fine. Just in from a walk, a gorgeous blue and mango sky as the sun rose, birds singing from tree to lawns to trestles, happy with the seeds to find everywhere from the wind and the worms out from wet ground. Off to the shower and school.

Love and hugs

[vivkib]

Thank you Dee. My sister-in-law set up a care page on the hospital site to keep us all updated on Mom. This is a wonderful feature the hospital has. I'm still traveling OTR with my husband from coast to coast (he drives a semi) and getting info can be diffecult at times. This will give me some relief knowing I can check her page anytime. Knowing Dad and Kevin are waiting for her at Heavens gate does help a bit, I just pray they have a long wait. Selfish? Maybe, but as I said I still need her and am still at a weakened state. Thank you again. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

‎28 Weeks today, Jared. ♥ U and miss you so much. Dad & I opened the pool yesterday, and couldn't help but remember that you were the last one in it during the hurricane last September. I can still see the wind whipping you around in circles as you rode the round raft, having the time of your life. You were laughing so hard, that it made us all laugh watching you. My biggest concern was that you would slip and fall running around the pool with all that wind and rain. I stood inside the backdoor waiting with a dry towel. I remember fussing at you, telling you to get in and take a shower before we had no electricity, and before you caught pneumonia! The pool company had just come and closed the pool on the day you left us. I have no pictures of your last swim, but it will forever be etched in my mind, along with your contagious laughter and huge smile. I love you!

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate, the lilies sound amazing. I love Asian lilies, and day lilies -we have several types. Our anenomes and bearded iris are open in the wind and rain, (finally rain last night though accompanied by strong storms) and the lilacs and lilies of the valley, all giving such sweet aroma. A flurry today of rough winged butterflies, must have all hatched today, at least 30 in the yard and I just came home from a wedding shower for a little girl I used to teach and mentor, the shower was west by 30miles and there too, a zillion of the same butterflies. Isn't that amazing, they get the word it is opening day and they open. Ahhhh, the science and magic of it all.

Another storm coming, going to get outside before she blows. Be careful all in midwest as storms rip through. Gretchen, did you get through more storms?

Morning All...I am envious of you Dee.. Oh, what I would give to have lilacs in bloom right now! Ours come out much later. End of May to be precise. The wind howled all night and the trees were swaying to the point of my being very concerned that one would fall on the roof of our home. We have several pine trees in our front and they have shallow roots. They are really tall and it makes you wonder when winds get up that high if they may come down. On Saturday our temps reached +17C. Mid sixties. Last night it went down to -7C. That is just plain crazy! My garden is so confused and so am I wondering what is going on????

Hoping everyone is safe and was not affected by the storms in midwest. How is Colleen? Did you get the high winds they were talking about? It was all over our weather network with accounts of Oklahoma and the devastation.

Dee...that is a lovely indication of how highly you are thought of when you are still in contact with students after all of these years. I'm sure you are a great teacher. How nice to see someone grow up and move forward in a positive way. It must do your heart good to be a part of it.

Well, off to get some things accomplished. Wishing everyone as best a day as you can have under the circumstances.

Kate

[briansdad]

Thought I’d share this. My daughter her baby and her boy friend live with us.

Not the best situation but we manage. The Babies name is Brianna. She is named after her Uncle Brian. She’s five and never met her uncle Brian. Brian’s birthday is coming up. The other day Brianna walked up to her Daddy and said “I miss Brian. “ He said, why?

She then proceeded to tell him that Brian has been coming to see her in her dreams.

They play games like tag and talk all the time. Her Dad said what does he look like?

She pointed out a picture of Brian and said like that. I don’t know why a 5 year old would make stuff like that up. I have to believe Brian is coming to visit her. I envy her though. I haven’t had a dream with him in it for a while.

Thought you guys might like the story.

Greg

[Jeff's Mom]

Thought I’d share this. My daughter her baby and her boy friend live with us.

Not the best situation but we manage. The Babies name is Brianna. She is named after her Uncle Brian. She’s five and never met her uncle Brian. Brian’s birthday is coming up. The other day Brianna walked up to her Daddy and said “I miss Brian. “ He said, why?

She then proceeded to tell him that Brian has been coming to see her in her dreams.

They play games like tag and talk all the time. Her Dad said what does he look like?

She pointed out a picture of Brian and said like that. I don’t know why a 5 year old would make stuff like that up. I have to believe Brian is coming to visit her. I envy her though. I haven’t had a dream with him in it for a while.

Thought you guys might like the story.

Greg

Greg...that is so beautiful. I completely believe it! It also gives us hope that the kids are still there, but behind a thin veil.

[BrendaDup59]

Thought I’d share this. My daughter her baby and her boy friend live with us.

Not the best situation but we manage. The Babies name is Brianna. She is named after her Uncle Brian. She’s five and never met her uncle Brian. Brian’s birthday is coming up. The other day Brianna walked up to her Daddy and said “I miss Brian. “ He said, why?

She then proceeded to tell him that Brian has been coming to see her in her dreams.

They play games like tag and talk all the time. Her Dad said what does he look like?

She pointed out a picture of Brian and said like that. I don’t know why a 5 year old would make stuff like that up. I have to believe Brian is coming to visit her. I envy her though. I haven’t had a dream with him in it for a while.

Thought you guys might like the story.

Greg

Greg

I just lost my son Brian 3-17-12 he was killed on a motorcycle , my heart is so broken, but what I wanted to tell you I do not thing the little ones make this up, my son has come to his children he had 6 and the 4 year old is really having a hard time, his last time he talked to us about his dream , he said his dad came and took him to the park and to MC Donalds but when it got dark he took him home and went back to heaven. he has seen Brian several times. it warms my heart to know he is watching over his children. I wish he would come to me. I miss him so much . I am so sorry for your loss. I still feel like it is a bad nightmare. well Take Care . Brenda

[tobyfreefoot]

‎28 Weeks today, Jared. ♥ U and miss you so much. Dad & I opened the pool yesterday, and couldn't help but remember that you were the last one in it during the hurricane last September. I can still see the wind whipping you around in circles as you rode the round raft, having the time of your life. You were laughing so hard, that it made us all laugh watching you. My biggest concern was that you would slip and fall running around the pool with all that wind and rain. I stood inside the backdoor waiting with a dry towel. I remember fussing at you, telling you to get in and take a shower before we had no electricity, and before you caught pneumonia! The pool company had just come and closed the pool on the day you left us. I have no pictures of your last swim, but it will forever be etched in my mind, along with your contagious laughter and huge smile. I love you!

i can tell it is forever etched in your mind. by your description i can picture this whole scenario. you're a good momma!

[tobyfreefoot]

Thought I’d share this. My daughter her baby and her boy friend live with us.

Not the best situation but we manage. The Babies name is Brianna. She is named after her Uncle Brian. She’s five and never met her uncle Brian. Brian’s birthday is coming up. The other day Brianna walked up to her Daddy and said “I miss Brian. “ He said, why?

She then proceeded to tell him that Brian has been coming to see her in her dreams.

They play games like tag and talk all the time. Her Dad said what does he look like?

She pointed out a picture of Brian and said like that. I don’t know why a 5 year old would make stuff like that up. I have to believe Brian is coming to visit her. I envy her though. I haven’t had a dream with him in it for a while.

Thought you guys might like the story.

Greg

thank you for this story. it is so beautiful and gives me hope.

[tobyfreefoot]

everyone i know personally survived the last round of tornadoes. however 6 people dead in woodward including 3 children. very sad.

[mandy832]

It is almost four months since my only child Eric passed away (12/23/2011). Ever since then I fell empty inside and my life doesn't seem to have a meaning. Every morning I used to get up from bed and started making breakfast and lunchpack for Eric. Then I woke him up and brought to kitchen. I enjoyed the look on his face when he saw his favorite pancakes with maple syrup. When I wake up now I have this strong feeling to go to the kitchen and start making pancakes. But then I realize that he's not here anymore. I lost the purpose to live and even if I try to fight it I don't think I'm able to stand it any more. I'm loosing the will to live.. Can someone help me? Is there anyone with same feelings?? How do you deal with it? Any reply is more than welcome. Thank you

[briansdad]

Greg

I just lost my son Brian 3-17-12 he was killed on a motorcycle , my heart is so broken, but what I wanted to tell you I do not thing the little ones make this up, my son has come to his children he had 6 and the 4 year old is really having a hard time, his last time he talked to us about his dream , he said his dad came and took him to the park and to MC Donalds but when it got dark he took him home and went back to heaven. he has seen Brian several times. it warms my heart to know he is watching over his children. I wish he would come to me. I miss him so much . I am so sorry for your loss. I still feel like it is a bad nightmare. well Take Care . Brenda

BRENDA,

My Brian also was killed in a motorcycle accident Sept 30th 2004. He has a daughter she was 5 at the time. My wife and I were out buying some clothes to wear to the funeral. I was holding Alyssa when she took my face in her hands and made me look at her big brown eyes and said " Grandpa....smile for Daddy ".

I guess she knew he was happy where he was. A night or 2 after he died she said Daddy came and was tickling me last night.

Hang in there, and when you think you can't take it another minute come here to let it all out. Take it one day, one hour, one minute, or one second at a time.

It's a terrible road we have to walk but it will get better.

Greg

[briansdad]

It is almost four months since my only child Eric passed away (12/23/2011). Ever since then I fell empty inside and my life doesn't seem to have a meaning. Every morning I used to get up from bed and started making breakfast and lunchpack for Eric. Then I woke him up and brought to kitchen. I enjoyed the look on his face when he saw his favorite pancakes with maple syrup. When I wake up now I have this strong feeling to go to the kitchen and start making pancakes. But then I realize that he's not here anymore. I lost the purpose to live and even if I try to fight it I don't think I'm able to stand it any more. I'm loosing the will to live.. Can someone help me? Is there anyone with same feelings?? How do you deal with it? Any reply is more than welcome. Thank you

Sam,

Take care of yourself first. Here is a link that may help answer your questions.your feelings are normal.

http://www.bpusastl.org/nIn_the_Beginning.htm

Hang in there.

Greg

[BrendaDup59]

It is almost four months since my only child Eric passed away (12/23/2011). Ever since then I fell empty inside and my life doesn't seem to have a meaning. Every morning I used to get up from bed and started making breakfast and lunchpack for Eric. Then I woke him up and brought to kitchen. I enjoyed the look on his face when he saw his favorite pancakes with maple syrup. When I wake up now I have this strong feeling to go to the kitchen and start making pancakes. But then I realize that he's not here anymore. I lost the purpose to live and even if I try to fight it I don't think I'm able to stand it any more. I'm loosing the will to live.. Can someone help me? Is there anyone with same feelings?? How do you deal with it? Any reply is more than welcome. Thank you

Dear Samantha , I know exactly how you feel , I just loss my 32 year old son 3-17-12 to a motorcycle accident ,my heart so broken I don't think I will ever pick up all the pieces . I am so sorry for your loss, my son left 6 children and he was such a wonderful father , I go from being so sad I knew when he died he was having the best time of his life , but then I get so angry that he bought a bike ,I tried so hard to tell him to not get it, for some reason I knew when I saw it it was going to get him killed, a month later it happen, I keep hearing he is in a better place. and we have had several signs he is with God. ,I sure hope so, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of seeing him again. I also have to go on I have his little brother to raise that has special needs, but I still think some days I cant deal with this . I wish I knew how to help you but like others said to me it's just a very hard road we have to travel . I will keep you in my thoughts in my prayers. Brenda

[daveydow1]

Samantha-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Eric. He's such a handsome young

man. The feelings that you are having right now are so sorrowful and devastating. I do hope

that you can come back to this site. Everyone here knows, firsthand, the agonizing pain of

losing a beloved child. We are all at different stages on the timeline of our loss, so there is

help and understanding from different stages of the grief process. My son, Dave, was killed in

a wreck in 2003, and baby Lisa died years ago. Please come back----once you come on this site,

you are welcomed here, and are one of the Beyond Indigo family.

Dee-----Good to know that Chicago escaped bad storms and tornadoes. It is windy here today,

and warm. So nice that you have been out for your walks. Nothing like nature to perk up one's

spirits, and warm the soul. Our iris are in bud, and the rhubarb is coming along nicely. I have

a nest of bluebirds in the birdhouse on the end of the grape arbor....the box I fixed with slate.

Also, another nest in the box at the other section of the grape arbor on the other side of the barn.

Flowers all over. So good to see spring.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

It is almost four months since my only child Eric passed away (12/23/2011). Ever since then I fell empty inside and my life doesn't seem to have a meaning. Every morning I used to get up from bed and started making breakfast and lunchpack for Eric. Then I woke him up and brought to kitchen. I enjoyed the look on his face when he saw his favorite pancakes with maple syrup. When I wake up now I have this strong feeling to go to the kitchen and start making pancakes. But then I realize that he's not here anymore. I lost the purpose to live and even if I try to fight it I don't think I'm able to stand it any more. I'm loosing the will to live.. Can someone help me? Is there anyone with same feelings?? How do you deal with it? Any reply is more than welcome. Thank you

Samantha...I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Eric. You may wonder how you will ever survive the enormous emptiness and grief that you feel. The support and caring of the members of your family,friends and the people on this site can make an enormous difference...and help you to face a future that has a different shape from your past. We discover strength that we did not know we had, your belief, faith, and your values will become your anchor in this storm of life.

Please do take care of yourself and continue to post.

Kate

[mikesmum]

Thought I’d share this. My daughter her baby and her boy friend live with us.

Not the best situation but we manage. The Babies name is Brianna. She is named after her Uncle Brian. She’s five and never met her uncle Brian. Brian’s birthday is coming up. The other day Brianna walked up to her Daddy and said “I miss Brian. “ He said, why?

She then proceeded to tell him that Brian has been coming to see her in her dreams.

They play games like tag and talk all the time. Her Dad said what does he look like?

She pointed out a picture of Brian and said like that. I don’t know why a 5 year old would make stuff like that up. I have to believe Brian is coming to visit her. I envy her though. I haven’t had a dream with him in it for a while.

Thought you guys might like the story.

Greg

Greg I so believe that Brian is around her. We have the same with my youngest grand daugter Jeya. She was 6 weeks old when Mike died. She met him twice. Once when she was born, then again 2 weeks later at the family Christmas. The two of them sat for ages staring into each others eyes.

Jeya has talked about missing Micheal. She describes him to a T. She says he makes her laugh and plays games with her. My youngest son says Jeya has always said she 'knows' Mike. Works for me.

Samantha ~ Losing your only child is something I can only imagine. Here is a place to share Eric's life, you love for him which never dies and find some comfort in knowing you aren't alone on this journey. I always believe our children are more than that one day. Eric is a handsome young man and I hope when the fog of grief allows you can find away to sharing some of his stories with us here.

Glad to hear so far that everyone is 'safe' after the storms.

Kathy???? How did your family in Iowa fare??

Well its a down day today so I need to walk the pup, seek the sunshine and look for Mike in the myriad of colours that is our Autumn.

[ericasmom]

Samantha, I am sorry for your deep pain and for the hole in your heart after Eric's passing. He looks like such a sweetheart, I know that you are feeling lonely and lost right now. As others have said, when you are up to it, share your story here with us. We won't get frightened off. We all of us here, know the ache in your heart, wish we didn't, wish you never did, but we are joined in this sorrow. One day you will not hurt as you do now, but it will be much further down the road. For now, you must be good to yourself, just as Eric would have you be. Rest when you can, drink plenty of water and juices, and eat some protein every few hours. We tend to not take good care of ourselves when in grief. Try. Hang on Samantha, we all get it and we are all here even though we never thought we could be.

Greg, I love the story of Brianna. A gift to be sure. Same with Trudi and Jeya, so many young minds and hearts ready to accept the spirits that come to them. Brenda, you too with Brian visiting his Boy. Thank you Children for visiting those most in need of your presence.

[mikesmomrs]

Samantha: I amso very sorry for the loss of your precious child, Eric. He is truly beautiful ,though he may not have liked to hear that he is "beautiful," more likely would have preferred a more manly term of description. :-) But, they are beautiful to us, their mothers (and their fathers), and they will always be beautiful to us, no matter the age. My son, Mike, died at the age of 31, from brain cancer. He left behind three beautiful...there's that word again :-)...boys, now 15, 14 and 7. As others have said, having other children, I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling having lost your only child, but my heart and mind know the pain of losing my only son. I don't know what to tell you as far as how to deal with wanting to die because you feel you have nothing to live for. A year or so after Mike died, I was told I had kidney cancer, and one of my first thoughts was that I would get to see Mike sooner than expected, and it brought me joy. Even then, I knew i was being selfish, because I do have two daughters, and seven grandchildren, and a husband who would need me and would miss me terribly. Still, at that point, my concern was how much I missed Mike.The diagnosis for me was an error, and here I am four years further along this road, and very glad that I didn't die. It took me a long, long time to feel that way, and it sure didn't happen overnight. The only thing I can say to you is to keep coming here to BI...we are here for you. We want to hear about your wonderful son, Eric, whenever you are ready to talk about him. (I, as well as likely anyone here, am ready to talk about Mike at any time, day or night, to anyone who will listen... :-) But, whenever you are ready, please do share more about him. As for a memorial site, I must say that creating Mike's memorial site was another thing (beside BI and my family) that saved my life. I worked on it for many, many nights, sometimes all night long, only to then shower,dress and go to work for the day. I do need to do updating, especially with pics of his boys, etc., but if you would like ot look at it, the address is:

http://james-michael.virtual-memorials.com

Many of us have memorials to our children, at different sites. I have found Virtual Memorials to be helpful, and a good site to work with.

VIVIAN,praying for your mom and for you, as you anxiously await news day to day. I am glad that you have the hospital site...we have Care Pages for hubby (he has pancreatic cancer and is expected to undergo surgery the first of May) and it is very helpful, especially when he is in the hospital. Glad you can check while on the road. LINDA:Thank you so much for sharing the poem. It is really beautiful. I am so very glad that your surgery went okay. I am very sorry that you are having to go through all of this, and so very sorry for the loss of your precious son,Robert. I am so very sorry also for all that you have been through, not only in your adult life with having your children turned against you, but also as achild, when you had to deal with so much. Praying for your continuing recovery.I am so very glad that you found BI, as I can't imagine not being able to comehere and talk about the things we need to talk about, whether they deal withour horrific loss or deal with what we are currently going through. People here get it, and are always understanding of each other's needs. When we are goingthrough a personal crisis, it is nice to know we can come here, where there arepeople who do understand that the crisis may be of a bigger proportion to uswho are already so devastatingly damaged by the loss of our child, thussometimes making it more difficult to just "deal with" other issues.In some ways I feel stronger since Mike's death, stronger in that I know that Ihave come through the worst that could happen in my life...losing my baby, myonly son (even thopugh he was 31 when he left us, he was still and always willbe my baby...our last born, our only son). But, then of course, come the dayswhen I feel as weak as a kitten emotionally...those days when it hits me out ofthe blue that Mike is truly, truly gone from this earth. All the thoughts about how much he is near us always seem to fade to the background for those few moments and it takes a firm resolve in my heart to being them to the foreagain, in order to take my next breath. BECKY: I love the story you shared about JD and that day at the pool. Those memories will live on in your heart forever and I am so glad they bring you joy at the thought of them. I am glad to hear that you are feeling better physically. Also, the picture you created is truly beautiful. SHERRY:Good to hear about the bird's nests; we have one our back but have not had any"renters" yet...I guess if they were going to be there, they would be there by now. Perhaps I need to upgrade a bit to a nice place for them? Perhaps some gingham curtains? GREG: thank you for sharing the story of Brianna and her uncle coming to play with her. We do know that our angels are about, and hearingstories like this just confirm that believe even more. BRENDA: It is so sweet that Brian comes to his children. Thank youfor sharing that. A couple of weeks after Mike died, his middle boy Kameron, 8at the time, called me one day to tell me that his dad had come to him thenight before and they had "flown" through the sky, to visit New YorkCity, and then his dad took him to Texas, where they flew over Texas for awhile, and then he brought him back to his bed. Kameron had no way of knowingthat his dad had always wanted to visit New York City, (as far as I know, Mike had not mentioned it in quite a while), and he also did not know that his dadalways wanted to return to Texas, where he was born but only lived there til hewas 2. Kameron told us that in the same way he always talked, just matter-of-factly, like it was an everyday occurrance. Many here have sharedsimilar stories of their angel visiting the children in the family in one wayor another. AMBER: You are so new to this journey, breathing is about all we can manage at this time. Please knowthat we are all with you in thought and prayer. The feelings you are experiencing are so very painful, and yet they are part of this new life we live. There willcome a time when this will be softer, but it takes time, lots of time, and the"timetable" is different for everyone. My heart to you. KATE: I agree with Dee, the lilies sound amazing. I don't haveany in our yard, but am thinking of putting a few by the bench at Mike'smemorial site. If I keep them close to the bench, I may get away with it. I amglad that none of your pine trees fell in the wind, and glad that you had no otherdamage. Those temps sound crazy! My daughter Cathi has four HUGE pine trees in her back yard, and is always fearful of one of them (or more) falling during high wind. She did have a 15 foot branch fall and clip the corner of the roof over her bedroom one night. The roof needed repair, but luckily no one was hurt. She would have them taken down, but it would be hugely expensive. As for your flowers, the lilacs around here have not bloomed either (we don't have any here at our house but had lots at our old house), though the forsythia are going into their green leaves phase. My allergies are telling me that there is more going on than what we see. My yard is due for spring cleanup and the man who we have do that is supposed to be here tomorrow. I used to do all of that,but can no longer, so it is good that I have this guy, Gil, who used to live near us, come to do it. His prices are very reasonable and he does a very good job. I will not be here to plant my annuals, due to hubby's surgery, but hopefully will get them in after I get home. Many of my hostas disappeared this winter (I guess due to the lack of water), so they will have to be replanted. I noticed today that those perennials beginning to bloom are wilting and I will need to water them soon. TRUDI: I SO love to read of your plans to "blow into" the states again...the days of the Minnesota 6 are still so very strong in my heart. Friendships formed forever. I love the pics you've been posting...obviously that camera and you were meant to meet...you compliment each other beautifully. I was happy to hear the story of your feeling a connection with Mike through the sunset...so appropriate, so loving and so wonderful. The sunset pics...awesome! I am sorry to hear about the dogs and all that is going on with that. There is always something going on, eh? I hope it gets settled satisfactorally for all, though I imagine the wait will be more than difficult. MADDY: I am so glad that you were able to use FB to get in touch with some of your previous friends from NO. It must have been such a terrifying experience for all of you. You are a very brave and strong woman to have come through all that you have come through. I know you suffered mightily, but I am glad to see that you are beginning to experience some joy. COLLEEN: I was so happy to read your post and that you are doing so well. Yes, it is good what you've done in turning over your anger to God. He can carry it much better than we can, and He is always willing to take it from us. GRETCHEN: I too was so glad to hear that the tornado did not being harm to your family. Yes, precious Madelyn will love this story as she grows up. She is truly beautiful. BETTY: I was so glad to see your post and sweet Stephen's face. I am glad to hear that you are planning to be at any gathering that may come about in Chicago. I think it's a great idea! If at all possible, I will certainly be there, even if it does mean flying into O'Hare airport...UGH! But to see my fellow Indigos and meet new ones (though of course, I wish there were never new ones) would be such an incentive to board that plane again! COLLEEN: I don't think you have the "beast" any longer...what will I do? I must say regarding your visit here, you will not need to stay at a hotel...AND...you would NOT be a bother at any point! Hugs are waiting to be given and gotten. SARAH: Thinking of you and those beautiful grandbabies. I know it must be very bittersweet for you to see them growing without their mommy, but I am so glad that they have you in their lives to help them to remember their mommy. Praying for strength for you. BETSY: How are you?

Thinking of all of my Indigo family, always, every day. You are all in my prayers every morning.

To all: It has been a couple of day since I've posted, mostly due to our having Mike's three boys here since Saturday morning until Sunday night. We had a truly wonderful time (I will post pictures) but I must say, we were completely exhausted after we took them home! A good exhaustion, for sure, though. We did a lot,including going to Dunkin Donuts for vanilla bean coolattas...their dad's favorite drink next to egg nog), going to the beach to fly kites (though without much success as I think they were tied wrong, but we had fun anyway), going to the playground at the local school--where the boys had a marvelous time---going out for supper, playing legos, playing legos, and playing more legos (they LOVE to do this...all of them), then church on Sunday, followed by playing outside, more lego playing, then off to the batting cages, which was changed to laser tag after we got there. By this time, Cathi and her Jamie had joined us, so Cathi and I sat outside while Kam and Chan played laser tag withJamie. Damon had been picked up at the play center by his mom, and they were off playing miniature golf. Damon is always SO excited to see his big brothers,and when he found out he was going to be able to stay the night at our house with them, I thought he was going to explode right out of his skin. When Sarah brought Damon over early Saturday morning, she told me in the kitchen that Damon has been telling her that he wants a coolatta from Dunkin Donuts. She told me that Damon has NEVER had a coolatta, and neither has she, and has never been to Dunkin Donuts for a coolatta with anyone else. We think perhaps Mike was planting this idea in his little one's head to let us know he is with us, as always. So, when hubby and I and the boys left for the beach, Dunkin Donuts was the first place we went. Damon finished his vanilla bean coolatta in 4minutes! I couldn't believe it...I always get brain freeze even when I just sip at it, but he was happily slurping away. The last two weeks before Mike died, he (Mike) was in bed at our house, in hospice care. Many people came to visit, and many of them brought him a vanilla bean coolatta. Sometimes he would drift off to sleep and I would put it in the fridge for later. In the middle of the night(which was when he was at his most awake state) he would say "Boy, I would love to have a VB coolatta about now" and I would go and get it from the fridge, and he would always say "Where do you get these at 2 o'clock in the morning?" It is a nice memory and watching the boys with theirs was a bittersweet memory, but seeing those smiles on their faces made it more sweet than bitter, and I know that Mike was watching over his boys with a huge smile on his face!

(sorry for the looong post...)

I will post some pics from the weekend..(Kam is now 5'11 1/2", One and 5/8ths inches taller than Chan): (the tree heart was taken on a trip to boston with Davis, on Thursday. We stopped for him to get a drink and I had to drive around the other side of the store to meet him, and parked in front of this tree. Looked up and saw the heart.) the pics of Cathi and I are at opening day, along with one of us sitting by the brick we had installed at Fenway Park in Mike's memory (brick area is highlighted), and the other is one of Cathi and I, showing off the embroidery Diane (Nathan's mom) so sweetly put on our Red Sox shirts for Mike. And notice the HUGE heart that the boys are sitting above on the beach...we looked up from where we were playing, and saw it there...how sweet! Also, the heart avove the tree they are leaning against. I believe their dad was here with us the whole weekend. Hearts were everywhere! (Boy, I hope all these pics post!)

[ericasmom]

Carol, always impressed with the breadth of your messages, so full of love and light for everyone.

Kate, our lilacs are way too early, though we enjoyed them, they usually don't bloom until early May, they are going to be done in a few days. So much so early. The butterflies that hatched yesterday were probably cocoons in the lilacs because they were covering the bush but also when I walked through the neighborhood, each time I passed a lilac bush the butterflies, or were they moths, were hovering allover the bushes. Very cool.

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends....it has been a while but found myself drawn here tonite - it must have been a sign as I see that you TRUDI have asked how my family is in Iowa...I talked to my sister and they are all ok but alot of damage to house and property from large hail and damaging winds but she is just thankful that no one was hurt and all are safe...Thank you for asking. I am so sorry for the ones who have lost lives from this wild weather...

Samantha - I am so sorry to welcome you to this site but glad that you have found us as there is no place where you will find the support, love and friendship like you will here. Four months is a very short time and I can honestly say I know how you feel as all of us here do...I lost my daughter Jessica at the age of 26 on Feb 18, 2006, I have been on this journey for 6 years and I can tell you that it does get softer with time, lots of time but you are no where near believing that is true.....I can only ask you to hold tight, come here if you can as there are so many here with so much wisdom and strength and believe me when I say that there are those here who saved my life, who saw me through my darkest days and nights, who gave me strength when I was so weak, who heard my screams, who let me say what I wanted, listened to my cries and still today are here for me.....I am so sorry about your Eric, he is a handsome young man and I hope that you can tell us more about him and you when you can...God Bless and Hugs

I just can't seem to get myself out of this hole that I am in and the worst part is I do not know why I am in the hole....been very down and cry at any given moment....it is not all the time as I am always happy when I am with Tavian but the saddness lurks just below the surface ..... I miss my girl --- went to the beach today and thought of her the whole time, it was hot and sunny ....my "summergirl".... I said her name out loud and I know that she smiles.....

We have a new member in the family....she is a hamster, she is all black and cute as can be.....Tavian loves her - he has named her "Jess" .....I asked if he wanted a different name and he said "no mi-mi, I want Jess so don't be sad"..... I had to smile.....

I am tired so I will say good nite to all.....I love and think of you each day....Hugs, Kathy

[Amber37]

2 months today. How will I ever get through 2 more months. Even 2 more days?

[ericasmom]

Kathy good to see you and to know that your family in Iowa is okay after the storms.

Carol, love the photos, had to look at them this morning as yesterday I was one tired woman. So sweet the three boys...all of them with a strong resemblance to Mike but each so different.

Love that you and Cathi were at the game loving the time together under the umbrella of Mike's passion.

When Trudi graces Chicago with her wonderful spritely-self, she will have a room of her own here and if I clean my office this summer where I now sit, she will have full access to computer and art supplies galore. She will fairly have room service as John and I will be tripping over each other to make sure that she has all she needs. (kidding about room service).

[BrendaDup59]

well I agree with Amber ,

Today is 1 month ago that I lost my son Brian, yesterday was a very hard day ,cried most of it . this is just so horrible . I just take it one minute at a time. We went to a benefit for my DL that all of her friends put on Saturday to help raise money for her my son had 6 children and I know my DL is so over whelmed. but I have told her we are here to help in any way we can the hard part is they live in Northern KY anyway the benefit turn out was great it is so heart warming to see how many people love my son , he just never thought so a lot of people judged him by what they heard and some thankfully found out differently before he died. I miss him so much just getting up and trying to do normal things is so hard for me. all I want to do is crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head. well I have to get Kaleb on the bus he is my 9 year old who God blessed me with , he looks and acts so much like his brother. Brenda

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I guess what I am experiencing is pretty normal. I looked at the page that Greg posted, and it talked about those left behind in a sudden unexpected death, and how they would relive it over and over again, a form of denial. I am glad that my family wasn't at odds with Jared,(JD), and although we have gone through the "what ifs", we have the comfort of knowing that he knew he was loved, and he knew that we always had his best interest in our hearts.

Carol: You are amazing! To address each one that has posted, and be able to offer some comfort. You're my idol! I loved the pictures you shared. How precious!

Samantha: I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I hope you come and share with us about him. My son was just 15 when he was killed, and I can tell you that it has helped me a great deal to come here and be able to share my thoughts and emotions.

Thanks to all that have inquired about my health. I am waiting to hear back from the Spine Center, to see how we will proceed with my very stiff neck and pain into my right arm and fingertips now numb. The pain has lessened, thank God, because for a few days I thought I was going to lose my mind! My husband says my fingers are numb from being on this computer! lol Well, I type with both hands, so I don't think that is it!

I plan to try to go through a trunk of pictures this week. I started to do so before the funeral, and just got to a point where I couldn't do anymore. That whole time is like a blur, I remember selecting pictures, and scanning them onto a flash drive to take to the funeral home, and I think I spent the better part of three days doing that. If the people that were around me at that time, could only see me now.... I am a mess... I cry everyday.... he is never more than a milasecond from my thoughts. I do one day at a time, can't think about weeks or months in advance.

Here's a pic I played around with last night.... It's one he took of himself, I just brought in the rasta colors that he loved.

2 months today. How will I ever get through 2 more months. Even 2 more days?

[Amber37]

Jd's mom- I'm so sorry the police investigation has brought you so much pain on top of the pain of losing your son. It's just so wrong! I too picture what it must have been like when my daughter was hit and have all these awful images in my mind. Brenda- we are both so new to this horrible new life. Like you said, one minute at a time I guess.

[mandy832]

First of all, I would like to thank all of you, Greg,Brenda, Sherry, Kate, Dee, Carol, Kathy and Becky for your replies and support.Knowing I am not the only one living in this horrible nightmare and that thereare others who struggled and overcame – as much as it is possible – the grief,came back to everyday life, really helps and makes me see a thin light at theend of the unbelievebly long tunnel.

Greg thank you for the link. I found it very helpfull. Carol,you have made a wonderful memorial for your son Mike. Thanks to your advice, Itoo decided to set up a memorial for Eric. I searched the sites and finallyjoined a different one, with which I felt more comfortable – one that feltright, just like I imagined it should be ( http://www.memmento.com/Memorial-at-Memmento/667/Eric-Hill ).

I just don’t know if I will be ableto take the whole journey, to not limp. Every second without Eric seems like aneternity.

[mikesmomrs]

Samantha: thank you for your compliments on Mike's web site. You have made a beautiful beginning for Eric's site...it can be a difficult thing to do, making the web site, but at the same time, it can also be very healing, as you not only bring the story of your precious son's life to others, but also write down his story for the future, for the purpose of remembering somewhere other than in your heart. I can remember when Mike died, as silly as it may sound, I wanted to stand on the roof of our home and scream to the world "MY SON IS DEAD...WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL RUNNING AROUND, LIVING YOUR LIVES?" over and over. Creating Mike's web site helped me to do that, but in a different, more constructive and healing way. I am glad you were able to find a web site that you felt comfortable with--that is so important. Just like finding BI...a place in the world where we feel comfortable, where we can share, most important, be understood. I look forward to hearing more about your sweet son---love the Harry Potter story---and also please remember, you can come here and cry, talk, share, rant, whatever you need at the time, but over time you will find that you are healing. It takes a very long time, and as I've said, that timeline is different for everyone. As many here, I still remember the first time I laughed after Mike died. I remember stopping and thinking who was that who laughed, and realizing it was me, the guilt overwhelmed me. But as the laughter came more frequently, I realized it was the healing, the love, the remembering that was allowing me that gracious gift...the gift of joy. Wishing you a day of memories that will help your heart to heal.

[ericasmom]

JD's Mom, your back/neck issues sounds like what my son has endured and it was vertebrate related. He had to go to Phys. therapy after diagnosis, and it helped.

To All those new to this, all we can say is it really will be one minute at a time for a while, then you will find that you get through an hour one day without falling apart or feeling like you might, and then it will slowly extend into half days and so on. Watch out to not fall into the guilt trap we do sometimes which is that we feel guilty if we go a half day without crying,many feel it is letting go of their child to do this but I assure you, it is not, it is making room instead, for more room in your memory for the good things. I have been on this road nearly 9 years, and I promise you, you will not forget your child but you can live a full life again one day.

[Jeff's Mom]

Samantha: I amso very sorry for the loss of your precious child, Eric. He is truly beautiful ,though he may not have liked to hear that he is "beautiful," more likely would have preferred a more manly term of description. :-) But, they are beautiful to us, their mothers (and their fathers), and they will always be beautiful to us, no matter the age. My son, Mike, died at the age of 31, from brain cancer. He left behind three beautiful...there's that word again :-)...boys, now 15, 14 and 7. As others have said, having other children, I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling having lost your only child, but my heart and mind know the pain of losing my only son. I don't know what to tell you as far as how to deal with wanting to die because you feel you have nothing to live for. A year or so after Mike died, I was told I had kidney cancer, and one of my first thoughts was that I would get to see Mike sooner than expected, and it brought me joy. Even then, I knew i was being selfish, because I do have two daughters, and seven grandchildren, and a husband who would need me and would miss me terribly. Still, at that point, my concern was how much I missed Mike.The diagnosis for me was an error, and here I am four years further along this road, and very glad that I didn't die. It took me a long, long time to feel that way, and it sure didn't happen overnight. The only thing I can say to you is to keep coming here to BI...we are here for you. We want to hear about your wonderful son, Eric, whenever you are ready to talk about him. (I, as well as likely anyone here, am ready to talk about Mike at any time, day or night, to anyone who will listen... :-) But, whenever you are ready, please do share more about him. As for a memorial site, I must say that creating Mike's memorial site was another thing (beside BI and my family) that saved my life. I worked on it for many, many nights, sometimes all night long, only to then shower,dress and go to work for the day. I do need to do updating, especially with pics of his boys, etc., but if you would like ot look at it, the address is:

http://james-michael.virtual-memorials.com

Many of us have memorials to our children, at different sites. I have found Virtual Memorials to be helpful, and a good site to work with.

VIVIAN,praying for your mom and for you, as you anxiously await news day to day. I am glad that you have the hospital site...we have Care Pages for hubby (he has pancreatic cancer and is expected to undergo surgery the first of May) and it is very helpful, especially when he is in the hospital. Glad you can check while on the road. LINDA:Thank you so much for sharing the poem. It is really beautiful. I am so very glad that your surgery went okay. I am very sorry that you are having to go through all of this, and so very sorry for the loss of your precious son,Robert. I am so very sorry also for all that you have been through, not only in your adult life with having your children turned against you, but also as achild, when you had to deal with so much. Praying for your continuing recovery.I am so very glad that you found BI, as I can't imagine not being able to comehere and talk about the things we need to talk about, whether they deal withour horrific loss or deal with what we are currently going through. People here get it, and are always understanding of each other's needs. When we are goingthrough a personal crisis, it is nice to know we can come here, where there arepeople who do understand that the crisis may be of a bigger proportion to uswho are already so devastatingly damaged by the loss of our child, thussometimes making it more difficult to just "deal with" other issues.In some ways I feel stronger since Mike's death, stronger in that I know that Ihave come through the worst that could happen in my life...losing my baby, myonly son (even thopugh he was 31 when he left us, he was still and always willbe my baby...our last born, our only son). But, then of course, come the dayswhen I feel as weak as a kitten emotionally...those days when it hits me out ofthe blue that Mike is truly, truly gone from this earth. All the thoughts about how much he is near us always seem to fade to the background for those few moments and it takes a firm resolve in my heart to being them to the foreagain, in order to take my next breath. BECKY: I love the story you shared about JD and that day at the pool. Those memories will live on in your heart forever and I am so glad they bring you joy at the thought of them. I am glad to hear that you are feeling better physically. Also, the picture you created is truly beautiful. SHERRY:Good to hear about the bird's nests; we have one our back but have not had any"renters" yet...I guess if they were going to be there, they would be there by now. Perhaps I need to upgrade a bit to a nice place for them? Perhaps some gingham curtains? GREG: thank you for sharing the story of Brianna and her uncle coming to play with her. We do know that our angels are about, and hearingstories like this just confirm that believe even more. BRENDA: It is so sweet that Brian comes to his children. Thank youfor sharing that. A couple of weeks after Mike died, his middle boy Kameron, 8at the time, called me one day to tell me that his dad had come to him thenight before and they had "flown" through the sky, to visit New YorkCity, and then his dad took him to Texas, where they flew over Texas for awhile, and then he brought him back to his bed. Kameron had no way of knowingthat his dad had always wanted to visit New York City, (as far as I know, Mike had not mentioned it in quite a while), and he also did not know that his dadalways wanted to return to Texas, where he was born but only lived there til hewas 2. Kameron told us that in the same way he always talked, just matter-of-factly, like it was an everyday occurrance. Many here have sharedsimilar stories of their angel visiting the children in the family in one wayor another. AMBER: You are so new to this journey, breathing is about all we can manage at this time. Please knowthat we are all with you in thought and prayer. The feelings you are experiencing are so very painful, and yet they are part of this new life we live. There willcome a time when this will be softer, but it takes time, lots of time, and the"timetable" is different for everyone. My heart to you. KATE: I agree with Dee, the lilies sound amazing. I don't haveany in our yard, but am thinking of putting a few by the bench at Mike'smemorial site. If I keep them close to the bench, I may get away with it. I amglad that none of your pine trees fell in the wind, and glad that you had no otherdamage. Those temps sound crazy! My daughter Cathi has four HUGE pine trees in her back yard, and is always fearful of one of them (or more) falling during high wind. She did have a 15 foot branch fall and clip the corner of the roof over her bedroom one night. The roof needed repair, but luckily no one was hurt. She would have them taken down, but it would be hugely expensive. As for your flowers, the lilacs around here have not bloomed either (we don't have any here at our house but had lots at our old house), though the forsythia are going into their green leaves phase. My allergies are telling me that there is more going on than what we see. My yard is due for spring cleanup and the man who we have do that is supposed to be here tomorrow. I used to do all of that,but can no longer, so it is good that I have this guy, Gil, who used to live near us, come to do it. His prices are very reasonable and he does a very good job. I will not be here to plant my annuals, due to hubby's surgery, but hopefully will get them in after I get home. Many of my hostas disappeared this winter (I guess due to the lack of water), so they will have to be replanted. I noticed today that those perennials beginning to bloom are wilting and I will need to water them soon. TRUDI: I SO love to read of your plans to "blow into" the states again...the days of the Minnesota 6 are still so very strong in my heart. Friendships formed forever. I love the pics you've been posting...obviously that camera and you were meant to meet...you compliment each other beautifully. I was happy to hear the story of your feeling a connection with Mike through the sunset...so appropriate, so loving and so wonderful. The sunset pics...awesome! I am sorry to hear about the dogs and all that is going on with that. There is always something going on, eh? I hope it gets settled satisfactorally for all, though I imagine the wait will be more than difficult. MADDY: I am so glad that you were able to use FB to get in touch with some of your previous friends from NO. It must have been such a terrifying experience for all of you. You are a very brave and strong woman to have come through all that you have come through. I know you suffered mightily, but I am glad to see that you are beginning to experience some joy. COLLEEN: I was so happy to read your post and that you are doing so well. Yes, it is good what you've done in turning over your anger to God. He can carry it much better than we can, and He is always willing to take it from us. GRETCHEN: I too was so glad to hear that the tornado did not being harm to your family. Yes, precious Madelyn will love this story as she grows up. She is truly beautiful. BETTY: I was so glad to see your post and sweet Stephen's face. I am glad to hear that you are planning to be at any gathering that may come about in Chicago. I think it's a great idea! If at all possible, I will certainly be there, even if it does mean flying into O'Hare airport...UGH! But to see my fellow Indigos and meet new ones (though of course, I wish there were never new ones) would be such an incentive to board that plane again! COLLEEN: I don't think you have the "beast" any longer...what will I do? I must say regarding your visit here, you will not need to stay at a hotel...AND...you would NOT be a bother at any point! Hugs are waiting to be given and gotten. SARAH: Thinking of you and those beautiful grandbabies. I know it must be very bittersweet for you to see them growing without their mommy, but I am so glad that they have you in their lives to help them to remember their mommy. Praying for strength for you. BETSY: How are you?

Thinking of all of my Indigo family, always, every day. You are all in my prayers every morning.

To all: It has been a couple of day since I've posted, mostly due to our having Mike's three boys here since Saturday morning until Sunday night. We had a truly wonderful time (I will post pictures) but I must say, we were completely exhausted after we took them home! A good exhaustion, for sure, though. We did a lot,including going to Dunkin Donuts for vanilla bean coolattas...their dad's favorite drink next to egg nog), going to the beach to fly kites (though without much success as I think they were tied wrong, but we had fun anyway), going to the playground at the local school--where the boys had a marvelous time---going out for supper, playing legos, playing legos, and playing more legos (they LOVE to do this...all of them), then church on Sunday, followed by playing outside, more lego playing, then off to the batting cages, which was changed to laser tag after we got there. By this time, Cathi and her Jamie had joined us, so Cathi and I sat outside while Kam and Chan played laser tag withJamie. Damon had been picked up at the play center by his mom, and they were off playing miniature golf. Damon is always SO excited to see his big brothers,and when he found out he was going to be able to stay the night at our house with them, I thought he was going to explode right out of his skin. When Sarah brought Damon over early Saturday morning, she told me in the kitchen that Damon has been telling her that he wants a coolatta from Dunkin Donuts. She told me that Damon has NEVER had a coolatta, and neither has she, and has never been to Dunkin Donuts for a coolatta with anyone else. We think perhaps Mike was planting this idea in his little one's head to let us know he is with us, as always. So, when hubby and I and the boys left for the beach, Dunkin Donuts was the first place we went. Damon finished his vanilla bean coolatta in 4minutes! I couldn't believe it...I always get brain freeze even when I just sip at it, but he was happily slurping away. The last two weeks before Mike died, he (Mike) was in bed at our house, in hospice care. Many people came to visit, and many of them brought him a vanilla bean coolatta. Sometimes he would drift off to sleep and I would put it in the fridge for later. In the middle of the night(which was when he was at his most awake state) he would say "Boy, I would love to have a VB coolatta about now" and I would go and get it from the fridge, and he would always say "Where do you get these at 2 o'clock in the morning?" It is a nice memory and watching the boys with theirs was a bittersweet memory, but seeing those smiles on their faces made it more sweet than bitter, and I know that Mike was watching over his boys with a huge smile on his face!

(sorry for the looong post...)

I will post some pics from the weekend..(Kam is now 5'11 1/2", One and 5/8ths inches taller than Chan): (the tree heart was taken on a trip to boston with Davis, on Thursday. We stopped for him to get a drink and I had to drive around the other side of the store to meet him, and parked in front of this tree. Looked up and saw the heart.) the pics of Cathi and I are at opening day, along with one of us sitting by the brick we had installed at Fenway Park in Mike's memory (brick area is highlighted), and the other is one of Cathi and I, showing off the embroidery Diane (Nathan's mom) so sweetly put on our Red Sox shirts for Mike. And notice the HUGE heart that the boys are sitting above on the beach...we looked up from where we were playing, and saw it there...how sweet! Also, the heart avove the tree they are leaning against. I believe their dad was here with us the whole weekend. Hearts were everywhere! (Boy, I hope all these pics post!)

Carol. I'm not sure how you do it! How are you able to remember the names and situations going on in all of our lives? I tip my hat to you in a big way. Thanks for posting your pictures. I just love looking at everyone's photos. Hope you and Ralph have a good day.

Kate

[Maddy6]

I found this today in one of my notebooks while I was working on bills. I apparently wrote this to my 5 living children 2/16/2012. Apparently I wrote it upon my decision to move forward for the sake of my children. It is my story of my grief and my guilt following the loss of my city, my home, and then my daughter as I begin to feel and come alive again. I am amazed at how far I have come in 2 months time. I do not even remember writing this. But I do remember that person who wrote it. I also know the life and joy I am currently experiencing. Yes, so many of you told me the truth when you assured me there will be life again. Yes, you were correct……there will be joy and feeling again. Thank you to everyone on this site who has been there for me and tolerated me, and helped to guide me. You are all lifesavers and may God bless you all.

Love,

Maddy

THE REAWAKENING

It begins slowly at first, the realization of your presence, your patience, your waiting. You love me, you need me, just like she did. I must let her go now. Not from my heart, for that could never be. I must refocus, I must jump into this life for you. I must conjure my passion that died. Can it be? Can I be a real mom again? Can I abandon my zombie mom cloak and emerge to find the woman I once was? Is it even possible? Like the stone that was formed by the Creator, can I create love of life again? Can I find a way to enjoy life again for your sake? You need me……you, and the gift of your life, are passing me by as I gaze longingly and regretfully into the past. Is it possible? Can I hold your hand and have joy for you as you explore your youth, yet maintain with love and care the memory of your sister?

Can we hold her and cherish her, remember her presence and move forward exploring your life’s adventure? Can I? Is it okay?

I did not mean to abandon you. I did not mean to leave you hurting in your grief. I had to go away for a while. I died when she did. I died when my city, my people, and finally my daughter died. I have no excuses that can explain and make it right.

But I want to be there now, to love, and to guide. I will put my pain in a bottle and hold it close. I will love her still as I love you. No more will I let my love for her prevent me from fully loving you.

I will not stop, never stop, and have not stopped loving you. Never will I do that. I would die for you, as I would have, and did die for her…… and with her.

I have reemerged into the land of the living. I want to comfort you and repair the damage I caused by abandoning you. I want to take joy in your life’s adventure. You mean the world to me. I am your mom.

[daveydow1]

Maddy------I'm sorry that your supervisor put so much stress & work onto you so soon after

your daughter's death, and the fact that your family was hurting and needed you so much.

Who knows why people seem to be so thoughtless or just plain unfeeling??

I'm glad that you reported this unfair and difficult situation. The fact that the supervisor

made it difficult for you for a time afterward, shows that she was resentful that you would speak up.

Sometimes people can be so clueless. Easy for them to 'forget' our tragedy, but not the

case for us.

Colleen-----Your flowers sound just lovely. I, too, have one lone little bleeding heart that

warms my heart when I look at it out my bathroom window. It's on the west side of the

house in a relatively shaded area. I love lily-of-the-valley, but don't have any of them. We

did have hyacinths, but they are winding down too. Lilacs have very small buds. Still

quite nippy at night, so it will be awhile for them. I have a bluebird nesting in the box on

the grape arbor. I fixed the box to make it stronger, ....with slate. Last yr. something.....a

raccoon or hawk or owl got into the box and destroyed the nest. This yr. I decided to

really reinforce the box by wiring the slate pieces to the back & roof. I believe that the

'remodeling' of the box will keep out the predators this time.

Dee------Glad you are getting a bit more rested. Sometimes seems like there's not enough

hours in the day, doesn't it? Then, on the other hand, time can weigh heavy on the heart

when we think of our babies in heaven. the spring and all its lovely signs helps to make

the heart lighter, though.

Betty------Good to see your post. I've been doing ok, and hope you are too.

Sorry for all the new parents who have come on BI in the past few weeks. Prayers for you all.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Its sunny here today. I few hectic weeks followed by more of the same.

I have had a break from having the ambulance in the drive....5 weeks of no ambulance and no uniformed paramedic in the house. I felt good. I guess I thought I was getting past the anxiety depression that comes with having that trigger around me...Wrong.

The day before 'it' comes back I can only describe as ratty. I'm manic. My brain is rattled, my heart is all over the place and I am so wired I can't sleep.

The beast came back yesterday and I was back 5yrs. Hard to live with harder still to have someone living with you that thinks 'aren't you over that yet'. I used all the strategies I learnt to stave off the 'psycho' lady, but with no luck.

Today I am numb. I am however working on getting past this stumble. I am searching the net for flights, airports, dates so I can organise myself for the September trip.

The dates for my week in Chicago will I hope be arr 15th heading out on the 23 or 24th...Love to see you all.....

[summergirl]

Trudi - sorry the beast came back....and more sorry that the "aren't you over that yet" arose....Be as manic as you like cuz sometimes it is just ok !! I have been off work the past 2 days, first time that I have taken off "just because"...did not want to be there so I went to the beach and slept, read and just had "me time" along with many memories dancing around my heart.... Sure would LOVE to see you...

Colleen - I tried to PM you but for some reason it won't let me, actually won't let me PM anyone...will have to e-mail Eric for some help. Maybe you could try to PM me if you find the time and see if I could reply...

Maddy - what beautiful words you wrote....brought tears to my eyes...

I will say good nite as I have to get Tavian to bed....busy at school with State Testing so he needs a good nites sleep..... Before I go I would like to introduce you to my new grandson....His name is Josiah Jesse Lee Bennett and he is just beautiful.... Love, strength and Prayers, Kathy

[aim630]

Kathy-Congratulations! Beautiful baby boy! Aunt Jessica is surely smiling down on him.

[ericasmom]

WOW! What a beautiful Baby Boy Kathy, congrats. Holy Cow. Gorgeous.

Hi Amy. What is new with you?

Trud, so sorry that the hard ache of loss and time is with you right now. I am sorry that the triggers got you and that the words over it, revisited. Not good. Wish I could change the way others see and react to pain. Love to you.

Maddy, I agree with Kathy, your words in reawakening are lovely. I am glad that life has color again and shape and purpose.

[mikesmum]

Its when we are at our most vunerable that the 'bumps' on this journey take their toll.

I spent time today with the 'incarcerated' puppies, walked my own and tried to work out my itinary for September. Some might say distraction, I think more focussing on the positive

Kathy ~ That is one beautiful baby boy ~ the significance of the names chosen not lost here.

When there is a day of heaviness, of losing what ground I thought I had gained, I come here. Here I can spill out all that is weighing heavily on my heart...here is where "I hear you" comes from those who know and its power is immense.

Headache and fatigue overtake me....puppy and I are off ~ Nite Indigo's

[BrendaDup59]

Good Morning,

well the sun is shining here in KY but I wish it would shine in my heart, I do want to apologize to all who have written to me and I have not written back, I sincerely appreciate it, but some days just reading is hard for me , it was 1 month ago I lost my beautiful son Brian, I am just so heart sick, I tried to go to my moms yesterday to take her shopping and I got in my car and by the time I got to her house I felt a panic attack and just a over whelming feeling of sadness, I ended up just doing a few errands and coming home, like right now I just feel sick at my stomach , I have to call my BL and cut his hair and all I want t do is crawl back in bed and just not do anything, I am even a little angry that he wants me to cut his hair, I just want to scream at him your hair is the last thing I care about but I wont, I am so hurt that my son Brett continues to not speak with me , I have heard so much crap that I am being blamed for that is unbelievable, I heard yesterday that my X 's family blames me because Brian wasn't a part of their life? I have never discouraged my sons about my X's family they are the ones who never contacted them , I cant even believe I am having to deal with this . I think most of the time I am still in shock that this has even happen, I miss him so much that my physical pain is so indescribable. I just don't think I can take another day. I know I have no choice I have a 9 year old , I just keep praying to God for understanding and peace. I just don't know how to do this. well I guess I had better call and get it over with . Take Care Brenda

[Maddy6]

Sherry, Thank you for your kind words. I guess I needed to share that because it was one of the most painful memories. I always took such pride in my work and going above and beyond. Then having someone try to take advantage of me by thinking they could and all at a time when I could not think clearly. It is one thing to deal with the loss of our child, but when others add to the pain, and I hear stories from so many others on here, it boggles my mind. There truly needs to be more grief awareness taught. Just my ho~~~~~~~<

Kathy, Your grandson is beautiful....congratulations, and I love the name !Also, thank you and Dee, for commenting on my written words. I wanted to share it so others in the beginning of these journey, perhaps may be encouraged and gain insight through my failures. I like to write, however, unlike others on here such as yourself Dee , I lack any artistic talent in it. But I like it, so I write, but not so eloquently. I think I wrote that and it was a turning point for me. So I wanted to share it.Although after I do, I often feel embarrassed for spilling my guts ~~~~~~< Trudi, I am so sorry you are struggling. I know it is hard and the pain is deep. It sneaks up behind me also when I least expect it. We are here for you, and I am so sorry. ~~~~~~~~ <Carol, I too am impressed with your thoughtful writing to each of us. I have always been so impressed by your loving kindness. You are a shining light o so many of us.~~~~~~~~~ <Kate, hello, I love to read you heartwarming and kind, loving posts. You are an inspiration to me.~~~~~~~~~~ <Becky, I am so sorry for you physical pain and pray the Spine Clinic is able to diagnose everything and give you help. The recent pic of JD was awesome!!~~~~~~~~~~~<

To all other Indigos, I keep up with reading every day. Just not able to write as often, but I am here and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for the newbies and the recent loss. I am so very grateful for all of you here. The recent websites posted were helpful to me also. ~~~~~~~~~<

LOVE, MADDY

[Maddy6]

Brenda,, The pain you are having is normal. You have lost your son and you are in indescribable pain at this point. The only people who fully understand are those of us who have gone through it. Also, everything is intensified and more painful for you. Even small things may feel overwhelming for you. You have incurred the greatest shock a parent can experience. The pain is raw and severe. To make matters worse, the rest of the world doesn't always understand. They may expect you to just keep going as if nothing happened. Some think after 1-3 months you should be over "it." I also incurred callous people in the beginning. I think somehow we all do at some point. Please try to disregard the accusations of your x's family. You should not have to fend off cruel accusations. Possibly they are dealing with guilt concerning their relationship with your son and find it easier to point the finger at you. You deeply loved your son and that is all that matters, you do not owe them any explanations. Also, about the BL hair, perhaps you should tell him you do not feel up to it? If he does not understand, you cannot concern yourself, you need to take care of only what is importtant right now. Take each day one day at a time and do the best you can. If people expect more than you can give, which you should not be expected to give at all at this point, just disregard it. Take care of yourself and your 9 year old son, that is what matters most at this point. In the beginning I just put one foot in front of the other and did the best I could. We all do. Try to get the rest you need, eat and sleep properly, and take care of your 9 year old. We are here to listen and we care. We understand what you are going through. You will get through this. I know right now you cannot imagine that is possible, but you will. It is 4 years for me and I have begun to live again and have joy. It will happen, you will eventually heal and not feel the overwhelming pain you are in. For now, please be comforted in that you are not alone. We have all been exactly where you are and we know and understand. I am so sorry for your hurt and pain and wish I could remove it. Wish I could change things for every one of us. I am here to encourage you and let you know that you will be okay and you will make it. LOVE, MADDY

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda,, The pain you are having is normal. You have lost your son and you are in indescribable pain at this point. The only people who fully understand are those of us who have gone through it. Also, everything is intensified and more painful for you. Even small things may feel overwhelming for you. You have incurred the greatest shock a parent can experience. The pain is raw and severe. To make matters worse, the rest of the world doesn't always understand. They may expect you to just keep going as if nothing happened. Some think after 1-3 months you should be over "it." I also incurred callous people in the beginning. I think somehow we all do at some point. Please try to disregard the accusations of your x's family. You should not have to fend off cruel accusations. Possibly they are dealing with guilt concerning their relationship with your son and find it easier to point the finger at you. You deeply loved your son and that is all that matters, you do not owe them any explanations. Also, about the BL hair, perhaps you should tell him you do not feel up to it? If he does not understand, you cannot concern yourself, you need to take care of only what is importtant right now. Take each day one day at a time and do the best you can. If people expect more than you can give, which you should not be expected to give at all at this point, just disregard it. Take care of yourself and your 9 year old son, that is what matters most at this point. In the beginning I just put one foot in front of the other and did the best I could. We all do. Try to get the rest you need, eat and sleep properly, and take care of your 9 year old. We are here to listen and we care. We understand what you are going through. You will get through this. I know right now you cannot imagine that is possible, but you will. It is 4 years for me and I have begun to live again and have joy. It will happen, you will eventually heal and not feel the overwhelming pain you are in. For now, please be comforted in that you are not alone. We have all been exactly where you are and we know and understand. I am so sorry for your hurt and pain and wish I could remove it. Wish I could change things for every one of us. I am here to encourage you and let you know that you will be okay and you will make it. LOVE, MADDY

Thank you Maddy, well I did do my BL hair, so I at least have that over with, I did want to ask if you or anyone else knows of a book for my grand children , my 4 year old is especially having a hard time with the loss of his daddy, and I would love to send something to maybe help him ,I have looked on amazon but really didn't find anything right, so help there would be wonderful my son left 5 children of his own and a 15 year old step son but we have never thought of Justin as a step ,Brian was dad to him and is also having a hard time. I am going to have to learn to just say NO to people something hard for me. But like you said I have to take a day at a time. Thanks again Maddy

[Maddy6]

Brenda, someone posted this website a little while back and I have found it helpful <http://www.thegrieftoolbox.com/>Perhaps they have some books recommended. Also, the school counselor is another source for that. She loaned me several books for my 8 year old during that time. I was 9 years old when my 17 year old brother died and clearly remember people, and my mother, thinking I did not fully understand death. I did understand it, and found their attitude very frustrating. I ultimately processed and dealt with my brother's death in a positive manner. Although I did believe I would die when I was 17 like my brother did, I later learned that was not unusual for a child.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Also, I wanted to share with all dear, sweet Indigos. I am doing so well now. I am feeling like a mom again and enjoying my children so much. I think for me, my identity is so wrapped up with being a mom, blaming myself for Rachael, I lost all confidence in my parenting. Also, when mom feelings surfaced, the pain of the loss of Rachael would come with them, because Rachael was my child also. So I was repressing the mom feelings because of the pain. Don't know if that makes sense, or if it is even normal. But it is what I think I did. As I am improving and enjoying my children again, I feel like I am coming alive again. As I am coming alive and enjoying my children they are sensing it and I think for them, the world is alright again as they see their mom happy and enjoying them again. Now I feel like the ball is rolling uphill only gaining speed as it goes. It is so good to finally beginning to improve. Thank you to all of you who were so patient and tolerant of my grieving crazies, cause I know I was going crazy. You are all angels to me, and I thank you.LOVE, MADDY

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I can relate to the triggers that take us back to unpleasant memories, and seem to knock us right out of our socks. I am sorry Trudi. I seem to have a lot of them. Still have to stop in my tracks when going to the mailbox if I hear a car coming. I will stand there until it has passed before I venture on to get my mail. It still un-nerves me when I sit at my computer where I have a view of the road, and passing cars, and if they are particularly loud, or driving fast, another trigger.

Yesterday was beautiful here weatherwise, so I ventured out into the backyard to do some work on the pond. Warm weather had put a coating of algae on my waterfall, and I turned the waterfall off and sprinkled the chemical that helps to stop algae growth, and then went on to cleaning the filters, etc., when all of a sudden I hear the siren of an ambulance speeding down the road, in the direction where Jared was killed. My daughter was out, so the first thing I do is to call and make sure she is alright, which she was, and then I went out to the end of my driveway to see what had happened. It was too far away to make out, but I later learned it was two mini-vans that collided. It must not have been too serious, as I didn't see anything on the news about it, but the feeling that came over me listening to those sounds, was overwhelming.

I can't tell you the number of times I have walked to the end of the driveway and looked down our road, usually with the same amount of daylight that there would have been on that night, and just cry, because it seems so senseless, and there are still so many unanswered questions.

The man from DelDot wrote to me today, to say that one day when they were out here working on their signs, they noticed an improvement in people driving 50mph or under, and thought our signs had something to do with that fact. I hope so, not exactly what we are after, as we still want them to lower the limit.

I am trying to plan Jared's birthday party, and not sure where that will end up. We want to have it here at our home, as there is so much else going on in town around the park this time of year, with ball practices and games, etc., and we thought we would be more comfortable at home. I don't know how many people to limit it to, and half way feel to just let whoever wants to come do so, and hope it will be like the loaves and the fishes in the bible, and there will be enough food/cake for all. I plan to have them write with markers on balloons that we will fill with helium and release, and will do that in his favorite rasta colors of green, red, and yellow. I am not sure what else we will spend time doing. I first thought a more intimate group could watch videos, but I don't think I could fit all that may come in my living room, and I don't have an outdoor screen! We will put his car in the driveway for the kids to see. Jared and his dad were in the process of restoring. My hubby, Jerry, continues that work. It is running, and is inspected and tagged, and a vanity tag ordered, but still needs a lot of cosmetic TLC. Like everything else, it is a work in progress. They can play basketball in the driveway, as many of them used to do with Jared, or swim if it's warm enough. I will spend the day preparing for that on Monday, and I know that in itself will be bittersweet, as Jared often helped me prepare the yard, etc, for get-to-gethers.

Maddy, I loved your writing! That was so heartfelt. You should not feel any sense of embarassment. It was beautiful! I know it made me think about what I am doing as a mom for the rest of my kids, who are always your kids no matter how old they are.

Raining here today, and MUCH cooler. I need to check the forcast for Monday.

Thanks to all here for being so supportive to each other.

[ericasmom]

Brenda, no apologies for not writing to each person who wrote you, that is so not needed, we know how overwhelming it all is. Just read and take in what feels right, no need to comment to us...

Books for kids- The Next Place, by Warren Hanson- a book about where we go next.

Losing Uncle Time, by Mary Kate Jordan

Mama, by Eleanor Schick

Blackberry Stew, by Isabell Monk- a book about saying goodbye to grandpa...living on in her momories

Picture book to read to kids about how adults sometimes are after losing a child- THE SAD BOOK, by Mike Rosen

Maddy, love your writing, I think you do have a flair.

[tobyfreefoot]

i thought i was doing oh so well, so well in fact i was beginning to think was over medicated or just had come to terms weirdly or something. i got a call two days ago from my daughter saying my youngest son, marshall was really sick and had been to the campus clinic and they wanted him back for more tests and that he might have fibrosis in his lungs. he is pneumonia prone. so that night i'm taking a bath and i totally lose it. my boyfriend kindly comes in and holds me up out of the water for 15 mins or longer while i wail and catterwall and want to just drown myself. i come to norman to take marshall back to the clinic and get a call they are putting my dad back in the pysche ward because he is having episodes of violence. the dr. says marshall needs to come back in two weeks for more chest xrays and see where we stand. this morning i get a call that they took my dad to emergency in an ambulance because he hit another resident. my dad never has even raised his voice to me but the staff in the alzheimer's facility have no patience and exaserbate his situation. i feel like he should just go be with forest. he was the president of the oklahoma branch of the federal reserve and the state command sgt. major of the 45th infantry and now his quality of life is zip and he is treated so disrespectfully even though he is in the best eldercare facility in the state. i took my daughter and baby to the dr. this morning and on the way back we stopped by the cemetery. she said the same thing i thought. how could these things be happening to our beautiful family? we are by no means perfect far far from it but the love we share is tremendous and when ii see people that are mean and vicious get break after break i just don't get it. i'm feeling ok again but i did become aware of the feelings i have locked away. allison says probably grief comes in spurts to keep from killing us outright. anyway i know that many of you are also dealing with additional issues that weigh heavy on your hearts. sometimes it seems like we are getting way more than our fair share. <3