Members davincidanes Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Hi Everyone. Today would have been my Sean's 29th Birthday. I am praying to God for the strength to make it thru this day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members davincidanes Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Hi Everyone. Today would have been my Sean's 29th Birthday. I am praying to God for the strength to make it thru this day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 My Friends,I want to share with my friends what happened to us this weekend.We have told our youngest son, Aaron "If you see something that needs to be done around the house - - do it - -do not wait to be told."Friday night we came home to our Golden Retriever shaved. He looked like a lab and seemed very happy. I said "Aaron, did you shave the dog?" He said "Yes, he needed a hair cut." "You said if I saw something that needed to be done - do it - so, Copper needed a hair cut."WOW, if that is not a full-circle-funny that will stay with us a long time.I posted on Brian's FB page that Aaron shaved his dog.Too FunnyColleen, Brian's Mother Forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BrendaDup59 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Hi Everyone. Today would have been my Sean's 29th Birthday. I am praying to God for the strength to make it thru this day. Hi Linda, what a beautiful tribute to him , I have already had to deal with my sons first birthday in heaven , I lost him on March 17 ,2012 and his 33 birthday was April 3 , it was hard , so I hope you try and have a good day . I will be thinking about you . BrendaHappy Heavenly Birthday Sean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Linda,The first b-day after our childs death is very difficult. That is why I am sending prayers your way to soften the ever-present sadness in your life.Life will not always be this way.Please know you are not alone. Please feel our angels around you - Most of us have been through what you are going through right now.Be kind to yourself. Happy Birthday, SeanColleen, Brian's Mother Forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members andy88 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Happy Birthday Sean!!!! Hello Friends,I'm all moved into the new house. Unpacked...well not quite haha! There were a lot of tears this week going through all of Andy's things. I found a sweet diary he used to keep. God, he was a great kid. Sending you all a big hug and ray of sunshine today.With love,Pam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hotrod Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hotrod Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEANHappyBday.bmp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 517958 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Thanks Kate and Susan. I've been having rough times lately where I'm lower than "normal". I think maybe I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my other babies. I still smile at my son who is now 14 months because he's so happy and smiling and exploring the world. My 4 year old is still grieving heavily for her sister which breaks my heart. There are so many "worst" parts about this whole thing. It just sucks. I know I have to be patient. It has to get better right? Sometime I think one day I'll just have to choose to be happy or some semblance of happy. I hope that isn't a betrayal of my Charlotte - maybe to prove that I loved her so so much, I should be extremely sad forever. pove to whom I don't know.Ugh! Never mind me. Just the usual mind f%^£ I put myself through daily. Thanks for sticking in and trying to help each other ladies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Duplicate, sorry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 What a beautiful tribute! Happy Heavenly Birthday, Sean!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members davincidanes Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Thank you all so much. I'm sure Sean is enjoying all of the attention today. If you have a chance, please honor his memory by watching a couple of his videos.Classical Piano Piece that he wrote and performs... http://youtu.be/Q8mWMonzOScA song he wrote, sings and playes guitar....... http://youtu.be/39fwbBG4pBYI miss him so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members davincidanes Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 It is........ I feel completely lost........... Linda,The first b-day after our childs death is very difficult. That is why I am sending prayers your way to soften the ever-present sadness in your life.Life will not always be this way.Please know you are not alone. Please feel our angels around you - Most of us have been through what you are going through right now.Be kind to yourself. Happy Birthday, SeanColleen, Brian's Mother Forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY........SEAN.Dee-----I can certainly understand how you can't look at the papers detailing all the surgeriessweet ERi underwent in order to take her tissues for organ donation. Though it warms yourheart to know that her tissues have helped others, it is so understandable that it gives youpain also. Dave didn't have the 'organ donor' designation on his drivers license.At any rate, it may not have mattered anyhow since he had a massive blood loss, and wastransfused with so many units of blood in order to try to save him, They told us that 'crushing-type injuries' sometimes prevents organ donation. He died before they could contact us. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN!!!dear linda,thanks for sharing the videos of your son. i remembered he was a drummer. i didn't realize he had all kinds of musical talent!! i looked at the video of him at a drum off also. it was awesome. my son was 28 when he passed in july. his 29th was jan. 30th. i hope you can feel the eternal love you share with your son strongly today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members westleysmom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Happy Heavenly Birthday Sean!Linda-I watched the videos, he had amazing talent. I'm so sorry for your sadness, it is so hard to remember the happy times that we had with them when we miss them so much now. Thinking of you and hoping you feel his presence with you today and always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members davincidanes Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Thank you for watching Rhonda & Gretchen. Yes, he was an amazing talent and I am so proud of him. He'd been performing most of his life...... sitting in with live bands starting at the age of 5. One of the hardest things for me, as his mother who loved to hear him play piano, is knowing that I will never see those long strong fingers grace the piano keys again. It makes me very sad, but I am so thankful to have the videos to watch when I'm missing him. Thank you all again...... ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Happy Birthday, Sean.Kate...Jeff's Mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN!May you sing and play music in the Heavens, our Children dancing and celebrating your talent and your DAY. Kiss your Momma as you travel through this day, each day. She loves and misses you so very much. And your Beautiful Daughter, surround her with the care and protection that comes from Angels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maddy6 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Happy Heavenly Birthday Sean send love and comfort to your familyyou will be missed and remembered forever So I am trying yet again. I am using this Body by Vi shake stuff that has helped a lot of people to lose weight. I am back in the gym yet again.......as I had stopped the last couple of weeks. So today I did 20 min on the recumbent bike and went into a cycle class and lasted for 45 min out of a 1 hour class. I warned the instructor that I wouldn't last the whole class and how bad of shape I am in. So she was very impressed and told me so. I was very encouraged. So I think if I can do this I will improve. However, physically pushing myself I think I could have made it the whole class..........LOVE,MADDY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members westleysmom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Oh Maddy, I so know what you mean. I had told Dee before, and she may or may not remember, but I was a walker, we have a long driveway, and the only exercise I ever stuck to very long was walking up and down the driveway. But After, well, it was winter and I never liked to walk in the cold, but in the spring, I started trying to walk again, and everytime I started down the driveway, I would start crying. I would just start thinking about him and everything would just hit me so hard when I was truly alone with my thoughts, so I just gave it up. I tried one afternoon last week and made it to the road, but by the time I got back to the house, I was crying and I just gave it up. So yes, understand completely, although you did great for staying with it as long as you did. I know that my depression has not been helped by the lack of physical activity, a lot of sitting on the couch when I am at home, although I do try to keep doing my housework, such as it is, before I sit down for the evening. I have walked with my friend at work at lunchtime with some success, although the early hot weather meant that we haven't had much chance to do that. Last year, I don't know exactly what I did. I've lost some weight, but I think that's mostly from diet, certainly not exercise. My appetite isn't gone completely, but just don't want to eat as much as I did before. Being courageous gets tiresome after a while, huh? That's how I feel too.Kate-Sorry you are feeling the weariness. I try to be upbeat and positive, too,(I know sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but I try) but it gets so hard day after day. Some days, we're just too tired to carry the burden of our grief, and we can't put it down, because its part of us now. It would be like putting down your arms or more accurately, your heart. Can't do it. We are so close together in time of loss, and I understand the up and down of it that you are having. We'll make it though, its just so hard. Dee-Hope you're doing okay. It is so wonderful that Eri was able to help others and I'm sure she watches over those who she helped even now. Sherry-How's your weather? Our's is crazy, hot and dry, just a little shower a few minutes ago, but we need rain. Good to see you.Hope everybody is having as good a day as they can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Happy Heavenly Birthday Seansend love and comfort to your familyyou will be missed and remembered foreverRealizing the lack of exercise has played a large part in my depression.....just in case you'll haven't noticed.....I am very depressed :-). So I am trying yet again. I am using this Body by Vi shake stuff that has helped a lot of people to lose weight. I am back in the gym yet again.......as I had stopped the last couple of weeks. So today I did 20 min on the recumbent bike and went into a cycle class and lasted for 45 min out of a 1 hour class. I warned the instructor that I wouldn't last the whole class and how bad of shape I am in. So she was very impressed and told me so. I was very encouraged. So I think if I can do this I will improve. However, physically pushing myself I think I could have made it the whole class.........BUT, I started thinking of Rachael and I was immediately sapped of all my strength. I was ready to fall apart right there on the bike. All these horrible thoughts, and it seems to deplete my physical strength to push myself. That is when I stopped. It was like I was doing pretty good keeping up and the minute the thoughts of Rachael surfaced I became weak and limp and had to quit. Do any of you'll have that happen to you too? I have no one to talk about this stuff with. No one. Thank you guys for always being there. It hurts so much. Then I tell myself I need to be courageous and that is a bunch of crap too.LOVE,MADDYHang in there, Maddy! I am impressed about your exercise class. It is a good way to work off some of the pent up emotion. Sorry you are feeling down these days. Depression is like that. It is like sitting on a roller coaster ride. Still, you are doing exceptionally well considering the circumstances. You do not have to be courageous with us here. Just let it all out. Speak from your heart. People understand. Colleen...I loved your story about your son shaving your dog! What a surprise you must have had when you arrived home. I certainly hope your weather is warm and sunny. He will most certainly notice the lack of hair.I would also like to ask you all to say a prayer for a good friend of mine that has cancer. She is fighting a good battle and keeping her spirits up as well as she is able. She is a real trooper and I have to give her credit. She's giving it all she's got. She lost her husband not long ago and her daughter suffered a major stroke. She would not take the prognosis from the Docs and so she worked with her daughter daily on a rigid therapy routine. Today this girl has now remarried, is driving a car outfitted for her disability, and volunteering a couple of times a week at a local hospital. Now she is fighting the fight of her life. Anyway, if you would keep her in your thoughts it would be appreciated. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 Another damned Monday, this one makes 30 weeks. Woke up this morning to noise of trucks out on the road and looked out to see that they are starting work on paving the road that goes off of our road and leads in town. Jared has ridden his bike on that road quite a few times, as there is not as much through traffic as there is on our road. They had the end blocked just as they did that night, to control traffic while they work on the road. It brought back all those memories from that night, seeing that blockade because of the crash that Jared was killed in only a quarter mile up our road. There just seem to be constant triggers, that quickly catch you off guard and threaten your sanity. Maddy I know exactly what you are feeling in those periods of physical weakness from thinking about our lost children,. I have felt that too. It will strike so suddenly, and you feel like your limbs weigh a thousand pounds and you just are too tired to move! Awful feeling. Put the license plate on our vehicles this weekend in which I used the same pic of Jared that I made for the Adopt-A-Highway signs. I will go out and take a picture. Also the vanity tag for Jared's car that his dad is restoring came and we put that on as well. Jerry is all about working on that car, as it was a project that he and Jared had planned to do together. In DE you only have one plate for registration, which goes on the back, so that left the front to put our JDW2 plates! I just don't know what I will do when I run out of creative ideas to honor him. You can see we still have a lot of work to do on the car, but Jared would have been so excited! He loved this car, and though he couldn't drive it on the road yet, he sat in it and played the radio and I am sure imagined driving it. We did let him drive it in the field a couple of times to practice parking. This is my van, the 13 year old vehicle that I have about run the wheels off of transporting Jared to all his sporting events, as well as back and forth to school, and of course the nights that I went into town and picked him and his bike up and brought him home as he wasn't allowed on the road after dark. Just had a used motor put in this, as I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 my son had a yellow 1990 300zx that he had been restoring after an accident 3 weeks after he got it. i had helped him buy it coz he had been wanting it forever. he hugged me and started crying when i gave him a check for part of it. he was so happy. he put all his money in it trying to get it fixed. it still has a few things that need fixed so i had it towed to my house. my youngest thought he might want it. my middle son logan just had his birthday on the 7th and stayed home alone at my house instead of going to the dinner at our friends. i went out there today, ducked under the tarps i covered it with to see if the key was in it. sure enough along with a bottle of rum, a jigger that had been in logan's room and a box with pot and a pipe. this is my son that lived with forest and ashlie and had to move in with his sister and her husband when they died. so he told me he read a book while we were gone which he probably did but he also obviously sat drinking and smoking alone in his dead brother's car on his 23rd birthday. i know he is having a terrible time. my daughter says she hears him crying at night. i just feel so sad for him. i sure haven't been too full of upbeat thoughts on here lately. seems like we are all kinda having a bad bout of it lately. when i had left word for forest's landlord that he had been killed in a car wreck she called back sobbing. she told me her sixteen year old daughter had been killed in a crash 25 years earlier. she said it would get better but she demonstrated that at times it comes back full force. i think i will be able most days to feel the spirit and blessing of being chosen to have forest as MY son. no other mother got that joy. and i guess that unbearable sadness rushing back is the proof of our overwhelming love and feeling that love is what has made our lives as mothers so wonderful. even though the pain is so bottomless i guess it reflects the depth of our love. i know that loving people especially my children is probably what i came to this earth to experience. i also realize i have to find a way so i can continue to show my other children the same. i am so sorry we are all here but i guess we know that our love was strong enough to break our hearts. i am striving to experience the unbreakable bonds that love surely has forged. this is so new to me but i am bound and determined to find the way for this glorious love to sustain me the rest of my life. i appreciate all of you so much as i struggle to figure out how to go about this. love to all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members davincidanes Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 That is beautifully said, Dee. Thank you.HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN!May you sing and play music in the Heavens, our Children dancing and celebrating your talent and your DAY. Kiss your Momma as you travel through this day, each day. She loves and misses you so very much. And your Beautiful Daughter, surround her with the care and protection that comes from Angels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mysonrich Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 We all know how things become tangled, woven,distorted and sometimes forgotten when a death occurs. We have a member here at BI that feels all alone in the world due to a family estrangement. So to start, I would like to mention my sister in-law Laura. Laura died last April from breast cancer. My brothers wife and they lived in Fl. At Laura’s funeral I met her children and grandchildren. I met her daughter Morgan. At the time with all the family present I felt out of place,intrusive and tried to blend in with the woodwork. I was there to support my brother and that is what mattered. Before Laura died she wanted all 4 of her girls to visit. She wanted to take them to Saint Augustine and the park along the Saint Johns River to picnic. And that is what we all did after her service within the next couple of days. Laura was/is a Mormon. I only mention that because I believe that this family came from a very close community and our beliefs differ a little. So, as I said, I tried to stay out of the very personal grief these children were feeling at the time. Many years ago Laura’s 1st husband gained custody of the children. So much depends on income and the ability to care for children. Laura told me many times that after her 1st husband remarried, gifts she sent to her girls were returned or never received but I know how much she loved them all. One daughter, Morgan seemed to notice my standoffish behavior during our visit. Maybe she understood my reason. She was the woman in her sorrowful state that talked to me the most. We enjoyed a walk around Saint Augustine and I bought her a tee-shirt. I mention this because I knew she didn't have much money and that is what my sister would have dome for me. I wanted to buy it. I wanted her to have something to take home. I felt her essence in that brief time and knew she was a good,loving person and I liked her. It was with great horror shock and sadness that I have learned of her death. My brother called and asked me if I was sitting down. I DIDn”T WANT TO SIT DOWN AGAIN!!!! This is a link to the news story of Morgans death. My brother said words to me that only a parent of a dead child could understand. It was best that Laura died first. I told him I understood. He also lost a son, Pat,at age 14 from cancer. To say I am sick does not even cover the tip of this emotional iceberg. I ask for your prayers for Morgan and her children,4 children and 2 step-children,sister,brothers,step-mother and her community. I know Laura was there to take hold her hand as she,Morgan, entered Heaven,a new realm of energy,a new form. Maybe she met Rich. Maybe she knows my sister now. She somehow felt like a sister. Thank you all for listening, again. http://rapidcityjour...1a4bcf887a.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BrendaDup59 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 We all know how things become tangled, woven,distorted and sometimes forgotten when a death occurs. We have a member here at BI that feels all alone in the world due to a family estrangement. So to start, I would like to mention my sister in-law Laura. Laura died last April from breast cancer. My brothers wife and they lived in Fl. At Laura’s funeral I met her children and grandchildren. I met her daughter Morgan. At the time with all the family present I felt out of place,intrusive and tried to blend in with the woodwork. I was there to support my brother and that is what mattered. Before Laura died she wanted all 4 of her girls to visit. She wanted to take them to Saint Augustine and the park along the Saint Johns River to picnic. And that is what we all did after her service within the next couple of days. Laura was/is a Mormon. I only mention that because I believe that this family came from a very close community and our beliefs differ a little. So, as I said, I tried to stay out of the very personal grief these children were feeling at the time. Many years ago Laura’s 1st husband gained custody of the children. So much depends on income and the ability to care for children. Laura told me many times that after her 1st husband remarried, gifts she sent to her girls were returned or never received but I know how much she loved them all. One daughter, Morgan seemed to notice my standoffish behavior during our visit. Maybe she understood my reason. She was the woman in her sorrowful state that talked to me the most. We enjoyed a walk around Saint Augustine and I bought her a tee-shirt. I mention this because I knew she didn't have much money and that is what my sister would have dome for me. I wanted to buy it. I wanted her to have something to take home. I felt her essence in that brief time and knew she was a good,loving person and I liked her. It was with great horror shock and sadness that I have learned of her death. My brother called and asked me if I was sitting down. I DIDn”T WANT TO SIT DOWN AGAIN!!!! This is a link to the news story of Morgans death. My brother said words to me that only a parent of a dead child could understand. It was best that Laura died first. I told him I understood. He also lost a son, Pat,at age 14 from cancer. To say I am sick does not even cover the tip of this emotional iceberg. I ask for your prayers for Morgan and her children,4 children and 2 step-children,sister,brothers,step-mother and her community. I know Laura was there to take hold her hand as she,Morgan, entered Heaven,a new realm of energy,a new form. Maybe she met Rich. Maybe she knows my sister now. She somehow felt like a sister. Thank you all for listening, again. http://rapidcityjour...1a4bcf887a.html Betsy, I am so sorry to read the story of Morgans death, it is hard enough to lose someone but for it to be so senseless is just awful. my prayers are with you and her family. Take Care Brenda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shellyku Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Oh Betsy, I'm so sorry to hear of Morgan's death. How horrendous to read of the way she died.My prayers to your brother, her daughters and you. Life is just too hard to bear sometimes.Sean and Stephanie - HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, albeit belated.I pray for all Indigos that you may find some peace this evening. Shelly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesmomrs Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 BETSY: I am so very, very sorry about what happened to Morgan and the terrible sadness and heartbreak this brings to all who love her. My prayers to them for strength, and to you, my friend, also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Betsy, I am so sorry for the sadness of this loss. Holy Cow, so much loss. I am sure that Laura was there for her Daughter, reaching out to Morgan and forever united. I am glad that you met Morgan and found a connection t o her, I am sure that the connection derived has a lot to do with the spirit energy that surrounds you both. I will say prayers for Morgan's Children and hope that she is able to somehow let them each know that she is always with them. Such a sad thing to die at the hands of such a violent man. Sadness. Maddy, you are courageous, crying and being afraid do not take away the courage that we show each day, but simply getting through the day intact as best we can. Exercise is good and I wonder Rhonda if your tears come while you walk your long driveway because you are able to be alone with the outdoors and your movement allows you to shed that which is balled up inside you. I cry often while I walk, I also exult at the wonders of the natural world, but I cry, there is some connection to our bodies and our spirit/hearts responding to the movement. I walk along and talk to Eri when the mood strikes, and it feels natural to me to speak with her as I wander. I know Gretchen that your heart feels splayed today, so many are low as you pointed out, so realize that this vulenrable heart is also going to be what allows you to move forward in Forest's love, it is allowing ourselves to see how little we can control that also allows us to live each day with gusto if we can. I pray for your Boy who cries in the night, may he find that Forest is also with him each day, and find some way to step into the sunlight. Prayers. Becky, falling to the sadness is not a bad thing, it is often when we are down low that we find something that glimmers in the dark and we carry it forth into the next phase, something that we can hang onto that makes us feel a bit of hope. Sean's Mom, I listened to Sean today over my lunch period, he sang and made my heart smile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesmomrs Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 SEAN...may you surround your loved ones with the sweet music of your heart today...as you celebrate your birthday with all of our angels. Sean's mom...holding you close. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesmomrs Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 I wanted to post some replies to those who posted today, but my emotions are running amuck as we draw closer to the day of hubby's surgery, and I am finding it difficult to organize my thoughts. I do have you all in my heart, as always, and of course in my prayers. I would like to use what thought process I can gather to share something with you that happened today. Before we went to the gym today, we met our Pastor, Father Andy at church so that he could administer the "Blessing of the Sick" to Mike, in preparation for the surgery Mike faces next Monday. It was a moving few moments that settled into my heart, easing some of the anxiety I've been increasingly feeling these past few days. Later, after finishing our program at the gym and listening to hubby telling our workout classmates that this may be his last day there before his surgery, and his adding that "if I make it, I will be back," my heart was again weighed down with the anxiety that only an hour or so before with the prayer ceremony. On the way home we stopped unexpectedly at Olive Garden for lunch. We had a really nice lunch, playing with the iPhone hubby got a while ago, and taking goofy pictures of each other, using a new camera program Jamie showed us called "cam-wow" that allows you to create some pretty funny pictures. Mike even was able to eat some soup, like he did when we went out for our anniversary. My mood had lifted somewhat, at least temporarily. When we were finished eating and getting ready to leave, I was gathering my stuff as hubby went on ahead to unlock the car. I sat there for a moment, alone, and my thoughts got totally out of control and next thing I knew, i was thinking "After next week, will I ever sit here with him again, or will I never want to come here again because he won't be with me?" The tears were burning behind my eyelids as I stood up, and I tried to shake off my haunting thoughts as I made my way to the car. As I came out the door to the outside, my eyes fell on the car parked across the parking lot, but right behind our van. The tag on the car caught my eye and my anxiety was swept away as quckly as it had settled on me while I was in the restaurant. Once again, I felt "spoken to," and could not ignore the message. The tag read "FAITH" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 betsy i gasp aloud when i read the news story. i am so terribly sorry. you should never have to suffer so much pain and sorrow. i sometimes tell myself when i am filled with self pity -many people are having to live on in a war zone with unfathomable losses. then i read your post and thought on my gosh you must feel like you are. what a tragic and terrible shock. sending heartfelt thoughts to you, morgan, baby, laura and all the family members that must be reeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mysonrich Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. In so many ways I am removed from this horrific death;geographically and in the days and years ahead,further still. Morgan was someone I met along the path of life here and I liked her and her kids. I found a few pictures of her kids on the beach that day, and have emailed them to my brother. Morgan wasn't in any because I remember her being at the oceans edge. Being from South Dakota I don't think she ever dipped her does in the ocean before that day. Gretchen, it is not self pity you feel and struggle with. No one should ever feel that the Indigo's here are attending virtually one big pity party. Your son died and this is a place of nonjudgmental sharing and compassion. Events will undoubtedly continue in our lives, compounding our grief at losing a child. We feel more. We feel deeper. We are all aware of the ramifications ,some far reaching, all contained with-in our hearts. ((hugs)) Gretchen. Carol, ((hugs)) to you and Mike too. There are times when I feel like giving up. Not on life but a location, a situation, unhappiness as it is. I remember the words I told my kids while they were growing up, “ never,ever give up”. I have to pep talk to myself sometimes. I have to find an answer from with-in and a solution. I suppose this is faith. My situation here is far from ideal,however I am not facing another surgery of a husband nor grasping for more strength still, not to the degree that you have been for the past couple of years with Mike/Ralph. I am sorry if my post in any way added to your worry . Happy Heavenly Birthday Sean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Carol, the FAITH plate was a wonderful message. I kept reading your account of your sad and worried heart and thought, there must be a message coming...and there it is. FAITH. No matter the storm we come through, the tattered hearts we share, we stand in this place knowing that the love in our lives will prevail, will walk along with us to the next day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Betsy,I am speechless!!! I read the article and I am just.......cannot even think of what to say.What I know is that Morgan is being welcomed by many, many angels.Those angels welcome her and her unborn child into the arms of angels.My prayers are with you, your brother and his family.Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Carol, FAITH is a wonderful thing.I am praying for you and Mike as you prepare for his surgery.I am CALLING ALL ANGELS to watch over him before, during and after surgery.Love to you, my friend.Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crystalann Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Hello all! I am so glad I found this site! It helps so much! I think of you all the time. It helps knowing Im not alone on the crazy feelings that come.My heartbreak seams to get worse as time goes on! My stepdad has gone to be with my mom and Tyler. We only knew of the cancer for a month.The tumer in his esophagas burst a hole. I took him to the er. They put him on pain meds amd kept him asleep till he passed. That was so hard I sat with him for 41 hours. Played old gospal amd country music for him.Now we head to a new path. My oldest daughter is moving to his house with her husband and my grandson. I am nrevous about it so many have died at that house! We are trying to have it saged before they move in. They have set the guys trial for June 14 and 15. Not looking forward to that at all.Thanks for being here!Love and Hugs, Crystal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members westleysmom Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Betsy-I am so sorry for your loss and your brother's and Morgan's family's. There is so much pain in the world that it seems that there can be no more, and then there is more. The senselessness of tragedy mocks our efforts to live and live well, but what other choice do we have? None, unless we give in to the chaos, and like you told your kids, we must never ever give up trying. It is so hard some days to find the strength. HugsCarol-I'm so glad that you found your FAITH again so quickly. Everybody has moments of doubt and feels the panic of fear. I hope you are taking care of you as you take care of Mike and prepare for the surgery. Sending you and Mike good thoughts for a successful outcome and a speedy recovery. Dee-I'm sure that is true, that I keep my grief inside me and the aloneness of walking brings it bubbling to the surface. I don't know when I will be able to deal with it, I'm afraid that I have not truly "accepted" that he is gone and not coming back. Ever. It doesn't seem that could be true, with all the tears that I've cried, you would think that I understood perfectly, but I wonder sometimes. Colleen-It is always good to see Brian's face and hear from you. Robert's Mom-Hope you are feeling better today. Crystal-We posted about the same time. I'm so sorry to hear about your stepdad. I can only imagine how much you dread the trial. The 2nd year is very hard or at least was for me. And with your new loss, I would think it would be much harder. Hope that all are doing as good as they can today and find something in this day that makes it worth living. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 betsy you are right. i guess it is not self pity but just such sadness that dogs my days. this is a place for comfort, to talk and be understood. i love it here. just sometimes when i'm feeling mopey reading your stories and hearing of the atrocities around the world makes me able to step outside myself. knowing that many struggle with more losses than i do gives me some inspiration that i too can take another step.today i have to put my father in a nursing home. he doesn't know it yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Skip the ad that comes on, but the song is a message that seems needed right now and right out of Colleens words, Calling all you angels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maddy6 Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Betsy, I am so sorry for the hurt and sorrow over Morgan, and her death. It is clear from what you relay, that in that brief moment in time she touched your life in a special way. I am also sorry for the heartache you must feel. The love and kindness you shared with her that day were sweet memories and I am sure she was greeted by Rich and all of our angels as she entered eternal bliss. I pray your brother and his family will have comfort during this difficult time.LOVE,MADDY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maddy6 Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Carol, your strength, kindness, compassion, and FAITH continue to be an inspiration to so many of us. You are not alone and we will be with you in spirit on the 7th, and we are standing with you now. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me Psalm 23:4~~~~~LOVE, MADDY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Just stopping by to say I am thinking of all of you. Particularly those who are struggling this week. Carol...my thoughts and love sent your way next week.Maddy...hope you are feeling a bit better.Betsy...I too am very sorry about the loss you have suffered this week. Dee...thanks, for sharing that music with us. The wording is perfect.Gretchen...good luck with your father today. I know how hard a transition like that can be for everyone.Well, it is coming up to the one year date since my mil passed away on May 31. I feel nothing. Just like stone. And it is bothering me terribly. I feel so guilty that there are no emotions whatsoever. She was in my life more years then I care to share. Since Jeff died I feel so disconnected to most things. I still can cry, yet I have the ability to be able to just block when it becomes too intense. I did manage to clean her things out. It felt strange, but still I felt nothing. Maybe I have seen so much death that it has desensitized me. I hope not. My faith is such that I do not worry about death at all any longer. Just another phase. I truly believe that even after two full years I am still in shock from what I saw. It simply does not register. I just won't let it. I feel as if I am gliding through the days. My feet not actually touching the ground. Not part of either world. I still find it difficult to stay concentrated when people are talking. I drift off. I guess that is normal. Is there a normal to this? In truth, I want to run from it and find peace. But I can't. The best part of me longs to be with him again. I feel weighted to this life. It breaks my heart to read of so much sadness and heartache. I want to make it better for everyone but I can't. Life is hard. And for now I need to find some laughter and happiness again. Start to enjoy things as best as I can. Sorry to be on such a downer. I'm very worried about my friend. I can't take another death...not just yet. I feel like the last man standing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mikesmomrs Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 BETSY: You wrote: "I am sorry if my post in any way added to your worry ." No apologies needed...sharing our worries here is the one safe place where we can do that and find the comfort we need at the time, without having to be concerned that we will add to anyone else's worries or sorrows. Coming here to "share" is what makes BI such a comfort. And the "sharing" is whatever we need to share at that moment..be it worry, joy, fear, confusion, sorrow...it doesn't matter. You are being held close to my heart and are in my prayers, as is your family. The one thing that we never run out of is words for prayers, no matter how many are needed. Sending love to you, my friend.Thank you to you all for your concern and offering of prayers and comfort to me and my family at this time. It is indeed a time of high anxiety, and having all of you thinking of us does certainly give us strength. Gretchen: Holding you close on this day. Sending strength and love.Rhonda: I pray that one day you will find comfort and solace as you walk, and you will feel Westley walking beside you, surrounding you with his sweet spirit. Crystal: So very sorry about your stepdad. I pray that as your daughter and her family move into the house, they will feel surrounded only by the sweeter memories that were created there through time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shellyku Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Good Evening all Indigos - If I may pick on something you said today Kate, I find I have been feeling "disconnected"from everything for quite a while now. As I look back since Sarah died, it has been such a roller coaster ride. But Ican't remember feeling so empty, so vacant. Even with the birth of our grandbaby Grace, I have no real joy. Don't getme wrong, I love the little bunchkin, but my life doesn't seem to have meaning. Has anyone felt this? Some momentsI feel like I should check myself in. I don't have the passion I used to have for gardening, cooking, etc. Everything issuch a mountain to climb. I go out to the garden to plant or fuss, and I end up coming right back in the house walkingaround knowing I should do something but just don't have the desire. I'm sorry to unload like this, but when I readCarol's post about coming here and sharing, I couldn't resist.Speaking of you Carol, I pray that God comforts you and Mike as you look ahead to his surgery. May He give youthe peace of knowing that He is with you both.Kate - I can totally relate to what you said about the disconnect and also about drifting off when you're talking with someone. I have never been the brightest bulb in the pack, but I find I'm so much more forgetful and just not all there.I pray for your comfort and peace.Gretchen - So sorry your Dad must go to a nursing home. My father is 92 years old, and still in decent mental andphysical health, but I worry what the future holds when that is no longer so.Rhonda - I hope when you are ready, those walks will become easier. I find that lately I don't really like being alone,but then I'm not crazy about being with other people either. This is a tough road we walk.Crystal - so sorry to hear about your stepdad. Amen to being glad this site exists. I come here and read every dayand am just so thankful to all here for listening when we feel we need to vent. Have a blessed evening, ALL Indigos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrsduc Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 I am so sick of pain. My eye is almost as bad as it was before surgery except for all the swelling. But it has the pressure and it is so hard to keep it open for more than about a half an hour and it hurts so bad that I can''t even think about my son Robert. So anyone that has lost a child knows I must be in pain. But the doctor just says you should not be in pain it should be all better. Why do doctors do that. Like I am lying or something. So to me I have just wasted $7000 because I had to pay cash because I have no insurance and pay it up front before surgery. I had to pay the hospital the surgeon and the doctor that puts you to sleep. And I pawned a few things and had some savings and did it because they said I needed it. Now she is talking about well maybe it is my sinus and I probably will need a CT scan so she can tell. Well that will have to wait because the little bit of money I have left since I paid my bills this month along with my dads bills is going with us on our cruise in 11 days. I am so afraid that I will be in so much pain that I will not be able to enjoy myself. But that seems to be the story of my life. well it hurts too much now to write anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Shelly, I love the word Bunchkin. Yes, it is like that for many of us, the sense of uselessness. It is something that I fight when it hits, but I am also lucky because I work with Children, and so everyday, I feel a purpose even if everyday, I don't have the same energy level. Kids make it imperative to give from your heart. I think that they helped my heart to stay full. Linda, I am so angry at those doctors for insisting on pay before surgery. I am worried that they did not do a cat scan to begin with, to see if indeed it was the sinus...time to hold back and stop seeing them. It may be that you need to see a representative from that hospital and get some support that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrsduc Posted May 2, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 I have something to say but not all will understand. I have no idea what it is to loose a child to an accident like a car accident, or do I have any idea about loosing a child to murder or thru a illness. But I do believe with an illness like cancer you do have some way to say all that you need to say so that part you will not feel guilty about. Does it make it any easier no. Loosing a child anyway hurts and it puts us parents in a continual living hell inside that we will live with fot the rest of our lives. But I think that since I know how it feels to loose a child to suicide that is what I am going to talk about. Sure all of us would love to have our child back that commits suicide, but we want them to not feel the way they did before on this earth. Well it does not work that way. We are in our hell and pain, but try to remember that our children are now at peace with God and being showing them everything that made them feel the need to kill themselves on earth so that they feel nothing but want and happiness and especially love. I find when I hurt so badly for Robert and then I remember how unhappy he had been in this life for so long and all the therapy that he had been doing for years and I know that he had been working very hard in therapy because i have spoken to his therapist after his death. But I use to pray for the right thing to say to Robert to help him feel good with himself. But now I know it was not enough. I know that he knew I loved him and I know he loved me. And I know for a fact that all our children that kill themselves it has nothing to do with us and if they knew that we would be hurting as badly as we do, I know for a fact atleast my son would not have done it, and I believe that others would not of too. I believe that they are happy finally where they are up in Heaven and that they come to some of us once in awhile in one way or another to let us know that they see us and hear us and our watching. So I believe to always try to do whatever I can to make Robert proud of me. For even though he is gone I want him to look down and know that I love him and no matter what I am so proud of him and nothing can change that. And he must understand now that I must carry this pain with me forever long my life may be. But to me he did nothing wrong. I hope this little bit helps others. We must stop trying to hurt ourselves with what ifs, could of, should of and so on and on. It is not good to us and by doing that I believe it is keeping our wonderful child from coming to us because we are really not ready to reseve their spirt. We just see our pain and how much we want them back. Thanks for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrsduc Posted May 2, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 I have something to say but not all will understand. I have no idea what it is to loose a child to an accident like a car accident, or do I have any idea about loosing a child to murder or thru a illness. But I do believe with an illness like cancer you do have some way to say all that you need to say so that part you will not feel guilty about. Does it make it any easier no. Loosing a child anyway hurts and it puts us parents in a continual living hell inside that we will live with fot the rest of our lives. But I think that since I know how it feels to loose a child to suicide that is what I am going to talk about. Sure all of us would love to have our child back that commits suicide, but we want them to not feel the way they did before on this earth. Well it does not work that way. We are in our hell and pain, but try to remember that our children are now at peace with God and being showing them everything that made them feel the need to kill themselves on earth so that they feel nothing but want and happiness and especially love. I find when I hurt so badly for Robert and then I remember how unhappy he had been in this life for so long and all the therapy that he had been doing for years and I know that he had been working very hard in therapy because i have spoken to his therapist after his death. But I use to pray for the right thing to say to Robert to help him feel good with himself. But now I know it was not enough. I know that he knew I loved him and I know he loved me. And I know for a fact that all our children that kill themselves it has nothing to do with us and if they knew that we would be hurting as badly as we do, I know for a fact atleast my son would not have done it, and I believe that others would not of too. I believe that they are happy finally where they are up in Heaven and that they come to some of us once in awhile in one way or another to let us know that they see us and hear us and our watching. So I believe to always try to do whatever I can to make Robert proud of me. For even though he is gone I want him to look down and know that I love him and no matter what I am so proud of him and nothing can change that. And he must understand now that I must carry this pain with me forever long my life may be. But to me he did nothing wrong. I hope this little bit helps others. We must stop trying to hurt ourselves with what ifs, could of, should of and so on and on. It is not good to us and by doing that I believe it is keeping our wonderful child from coming to us because we are really not ready to reseve their spirt. We just see our pain and how much we want them back. Thanks for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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