Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

I have something to say but not all will understand. I have no idea what it is to loose a child to an accident like a car accident, or do I have any idea about loosing a child to murder or thru a illness. But I do believe with an illness like cancer you do have some way to say all that you need to say so that part you will not feel guilty about. Does it make it any easier no. Loosing a child anyway hurts and it puts us parents in a continual living hell inside that we will live with fot the rest of our lives. But I think that since I know how it feels to loose a child to suicide that is what I am going to talk about. Sure all of us would love to have our child back that commits suicide, but we want them to not feel the way they did before on this earth. Well it does not work that way. We are in our hell and pain, but try to remember that our children are now at peace with God and being showing them everything that made them feel the need to kill themselves on earth so that they feel nothing but want and happiness and especially love. I find when I hurt so badly for Robert and then I remember how unhappy he had been in this life for so long and all the therapy that he had been doing for years and I know that he had been working very hard in therapy because i have spoken to his therapist after his death. But I use to pray for the right thing to say to Robert to help him feel good with himself. But now I know it was not enough. I know that he knew I loved him and I know he loved me. And I know for a fact that all our children that kill themselves it has nothing to do with us and if they knew that we would be hurting as badly as we do, I know for a fact atleast my son would not have done it, and I believe that others would not of too. I believe that they are happy finally where they are up in Heaven and that they come to some of us once in awhile in one way or another to let us know that they see us and hear us and our watching. So I believe to always try to do whatever I can to make Robert proud of me. For even though he is gone I want him to look down and know that I love him and no matter what I am so proud of him and nothing can change that. And he must understand now that I must carry this pain with me forever long my life may be. But to me he did nothing wrong. I hope this little bit helps others. We must stop trying to hurt ourselves with what ifs, could of, should of and so on and on. It is not good to us and by doing that I believe it is keeping our wonderful child from coming to us because we are really not ready to reseve their spirt. We just see our pain and how much we want them back. Thanks for listening.

Thank you LInda and Shelly...I agree totally. To lose a child to suicide is beyond tolerable. But to lose a child to suicide before your very eyes trying to save him is my hell on earth. Why? Why did this have to happen? He had so much to offer. He was liked and admired by everyone. If only he had not given up on himself. He saw the bad side to life. And the best. Where did he cross over to the other side? I just do not know. And I do know that he loved us. He would never have deliberately chosen to hurt us like this. He could not see beyond his pain. He needed release. The trouble was he was too sensitive. He cared too much about others and not enough about himself. That is my fault. I taught him that. But this is a dog eat dog world we live in.

Did I fail him? There were so many others that needed us at that time. They were old and dying. I always thought I had time because he was young. I could focus on him after they were gone. But I was caught in the sandwich generation. Five people that we had to look after as they died. It took all of our time and energy. Then this. He needed me. Yet I was forced to put my and my husband's family first. I did not see his pain. Walking into Safeway my husband and I carrying separate lists of things needed for all of them. Groceries, meds, etc. I am broken. Tired and mentally spent. Totally wasted. And now I will live with this on my conscience for the rest of my life. He should have been first. He of all of them should have been first. They sucked me dry! Would I do it again? God forgive me Jeff. I let you down.

[ericasmom]

Kate, you did not do this to Jeff. Jeff left because he was in too much pain, but you did not cause the pain Kate.

Linda, I agree, Robert is free and untroubled now.

[Ivy]

Hi! My name is Ivy. My husband and a police officer came to my work on March 11, 2012 to inform me that my 17 year old son, L.J died. I was sobbing and screaming. They told me that he was at a condo with some friend and that he was leaning against a paned window, it broke and he fell through. They were on the 29th floor. I remember, I started screaming hysterically. How does someone leaning against a paned window, fall through it? What are the chances of that happening? There must of been some mistake? They did not take him to the hospital because he died on impact or shortly after. They would not let me see him because they had to perform an autopsy. We had to identify his body two day later, the coroner office strongly suggested that I shouldn't be the one to do it. We all know what that means, or what it implies. My husband (his stepfather) did it. We had the funeral two weeks later. The funeral director said that he was now suitable for viewing. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him in that state. I was numb, in shock and in denial at this point. It was a difficult decision, but at last minute, I decided that since I didn't see him or hold him for two weeks that I would do it. He didn't look bad, it wasn't traumatizing. They did their best given the circumstances, but it just didn't look like him...at all. Its been almost 2 months and for the most part I am still numb. in shock and in denial. I do think of him. but when I think of him, I don't think of all the good memories. All I think of is, the nature of his death, the feeling in his gut as he was falling, the terror he was feeling, was he calling out for me, his mommy?, was he praying? He must of know he was going to die. Those are the first thoughts in my head when I wake up every morning. This is how I start my day, everyday. It is extremely painful. So for the rest of the day, I try not to think about it, about him. Right now its easier to forget him then to remember him. I know, trust me I feel really guilty about the way I feel. I can't help it. I just cant accept the nature of his death. When people find out he died, they automatically assume car accident. When I tell them the truth I get the same responses. "What the #%#$, or what the hell? That's exactly what I think. He didn't fall through a open window or off a balcony. He fell through a paned window. Its a freak and random accident. This doesn't happen in real life. This happens only in movies. I apologize if this post is too graphic or morbid, but I just feel the need to be heard, to know that I am not alone in this hell hole. I am in counseling., it helps a bit, but i think it would be more helpful to know that there is a place I can visit where I am amongst people who can sympathized with me and relate to me.

[Maddy6]

Kate, please do not torment yourself. You were taking care of all those people and that was a good thing. Because you took care of those people is not the reason Jeff died. You did NOT do this and it is NOT your fault. You were being selfless and giving and a good example of helping elderly relatives for Jeff. You loved Jeff tremendously and would have died for him. You loved him so much that now you want to blame yourself for his death. I understand that cause you know how long I was doing that. Kate,you are always upbeat, so I want you to know it is okay if you feel down and sad with us. But, please do not feel sad because you blame yourself. It simply is not the truth. PM me if you want to talk about this. I beat myself up to the moon and back.....I only just quit recently......and who knows, I might be back again whistling the same tune. But you were a good mom, and you did the best you knew how. That is all that any parent can do. ~~~~~~~Ivy,I am so very sorry for the death of your son. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel over his tragic death. Many of us, but not all of us, on the site have lost our children suddenly and unexpectedly. We know the heartache of seeing,or talking to our child one moment, and the next they are gone. I did the same thing wondering constantly about right before she died. My 22 yo daughter and her boyfriend died of accidental drug intoxication. I kept wondering about even after she died. What did she think when she realized she died. Also, the day she died and everything I did is imbedded in my memory. Ivy, this is a long journey and we are here for you. Please come back and tell us more about your son L.J. you can post pictures in the gallery also. We are here for you and we know your pain.~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[mikesmomrs]

KATE: (and all parents here who have suffered the loss of their child by suicide): I cannot begin to imagine the pain a parent feels when they lose a child to suicide, but I can imagine that one of the first feelings experienced by them would be guilt. (Mike died of brain cancer, and yet for over a year I felt tremendous guilt that I had not taken care of him, I had not insisted he see a doctor when he first started showing symptoms...it was hell for me, until I finally accepted that I was not at fault, but even still there are times---though, thankfully, fewer and further apart---when the guilt rears its ugly head and grabs me in the gut and I am down again.) From reading other posts on BI, I have seen each parent who suffers the loss of their child to suicide go through the terrible pain of feelings of guilt. I am so very, very sorry that you (and the other parents here in the same circumstances of losing a child in this way) have to experience this, and wish so very much I could take it all away. When we give birth, we develop such a strong sense of responsibility for our child. We understand and accept the fact that it is our responsibility to take care of them, to make sure they are healthy, cared for, and safe. When they are hurt or hurting, we want to make things better; make the pain go away, so of course when something happens to them, we immediately feel the weight of guilt bearing down on us. Please understand that I am not trying to trivialize your pain or your feelings of guilt and make you (or anyone else) feel as though you should just shrug it off...that would just not be possible---the feelings are very real for you and you see them as justifiable. But, like Dee and Maddy, I would try to tell you that you are NOT to blame for this, you are not responsible for the decision that Jeff made. I spent over 20 years working in the mental health field, including 4 years at an inpatient facility. Many times when patients were brought in by their families or in an ambulance for treatment after an unsuccessful suicide attempt, we would hear from the families "We didn't even know he was feeling this way. We had no idea. Everything was fine. He never said anything. I feel so guilty." The person feeling such a need to end their life is usually so very good at hiding their pain, that even if we were with them 24 hours a day, every day, we may not see it. And, unfortunately, even if we do see their depression, so often there is little we can do or say that would change things for them, at least not effectively. It is something that they have to work out for themselves. We can love them, and we can be there for them, but we cannot make decisions for them, nor can we force them to accept help that is offered if they choose not to. As hard as it is to do, we must now try to take our love for them and their love for us and try very hard to, again as Dee says, "Stand where they cannot" and honor their lives by living ours as fully as possible. They want to see us happy, they want joy to be in our lives. As much as we may feel, through guilt or whatever, that we should stay in a world of sadness and sorrow, we cannot allow that to happen. We must take the road that will lead us to the joy-filled moments in life that our angels want for us. This takes much time, but the healing will come along the way, much to their eternal joy.

I hope so very much that I haven't offended anyone here by my words...I do not claim to know the pain you are feeling as the parent of a child who completed suicide; and I cannot compare our sorrow, because I have not experienced this horrific nightmare that you experienced. As I have said, my son died of brain cancer, and though the journey with him was so very painful, I still consider that I was fortunate and blessed enough to be able to have the time to tell him how much we loved him, to help him on his journey, and to be there with him as he left this earth. I just want to try to help you to understand that the "blame" or the responsibility does not lie with you. There is no blame, there is only the result...the result of a decision made by someone who sadly, tragically, could see no other way out of their pain. I believe it was Trudi who has said that "It appears that he found the pain of living outweighed the pain of dying."

Please try to remember, they want us to have joy. The pain they experienced in their life cannot be changed; how they chose to leave this earthly plane cannot be changed, but the way in which we now live our lives, the way in which we remember them and honor them, can be. We can make the decision to walk forward, carrying their love and sweeter memories with us. And all of us will help each other to make that decision and to take those steps, just as we have been doing all along, and will continue to do, because that is what BI and all of us here are about. Sending love and strength to you.

[mikesmum]

Betsy ~ I read with total disbelief of Morgans death. To re-connect and spend some quality time then have it taken away in such a violent act beggars belief. I hope you are okay, and I mean as they say 'doing as well as can be expected'...a phrase that is inadequate about now.

Carol ~ I hear the clock ticking and feel your angst through the pages of BI. To find your next 'sign' FAITH is truly something to behold. None of us knows what our futures hold. Here is were we see such blink of an eye changes to one's life. I know you have faith, love and unconditional support from here and on high.

Linda ~ Sorry that you are stuck between wanting to be well, the cruise and finances that seem to dictate our lives. I hope the sea air will clear the sinus problems. I also hope that you are able to find some peace as well.

Ivy ~ I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. The circumstances are you say are not something from 'real life'. There is no sense as to why you might lean on a window other than you might never have believed it would break. I am glad you have found your way here....losing our children is one thing, being able to speak about them, our feelings and our numbness for the rest of the world does help.

On the subject of losing a child to suicide ~ Since losing Mike I have met many parents who have lost their children in many many ways....none of them is easy. A child dies. Would I want Mike back....yes, but only if he could have the life he wanted...pain free.

I am the mother of another child who has struggled with addiction for 16yrs.....I have seen him close to death, I have seen him rise up and fight the good fight.. For me the torment is watching this struggle raise it ugliness yet again and permeate his life knowing that losing him is something of a possibility. There is not one word or one thing I can do that will turn his life around....so the pain of seeing him self destruct is parrallel to that of losing him.

I pray he finds his way. I hope his brother is holding him. I wish with all my being that his children never have to face a life without him....

Tired beyond belief tonight Indigos.....

[tobyfreefoot]

linda-i am glad to see you know that robert never meant to hurt you and that he is now released from his agony. it must have been so great. i'm sure he would hate to think he was the cause of so much pain when he loved you so. take care and know robert is proud of every step you are able to make.

kate-i'm sad to see you feeling guilty. as maddy said you were a fine example of caring. i think most people that kill themselves are pretty determined for reasons deeper than we can usually fix. i do believe there are people that are just too sensitive for this world and my guess is your beautiful caring son was one of them. please know you were a great mom and it isn't your fault. it isn't his fault. in some way we don't understand he may have served his purpose here and is now being rewarded for a job well done.

ivy-i am so sorry to hear about your son. it must be terribly hard to think of your him without having those horrible thoughts go through your mind. my son and his girlfriend were killed when their car hit a parked semi at 67 mph. police assumed they were asleep but i have worried about the moments before. i hope that as time goes by you will be able to think of every wonderful moment you have spent together so you can enjoy the blessing of being his mom. my son will be dead 10 months tomorrow. i do pretty well for about two weeks at a time then i end up screaming "no no no" and crying and rolling around. i think it is necessary for me somehow to release the grief again and again to lessen it so i can better receive the gift of the love of my son. i have found this to really be the only place i can talk about my feelings, my son, the accident etc. and know the people here understand. it has helped me a lot to not feel so alone. we welcome you sadly but with open arms to listen with our broken hearts in hopes of providing comfort.

[mysonrich]

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share Morgan with you all. As you read of her short life you may also understand and see the person that she was. As with our children here at BI, to me, the cream of the crop.There is something extra special .I question the selection process, if there is one. the "why" will always remain unanswered.

Be back later.

http://www.kirkfuneralhome.com/sitemaker/sites/KirkFu1/obit.cgi?user=619938Myers

[Maddy6]

Gretchen, What you said to Kate was so beautiful. You said " I do believe there are people that are just too sensitive for this world and my guess is your beautiful caring son was one of them." I agree with you. I think that was why Rachael chose to use drugs. She was very loving and very sensitive and someone she cared for committed suicide and it was very painful for her. ~~~~~~~~

Carol, Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am going to reread them a few times as I think I need the encouragement also. Like Dee, I found solace from the beginning working with children, only they were disabled. I found a tremendous outlet loving them, and helping them. I shopped for them for classroom rewards and such, going above and beyond to help them in any way. They were a realm where my pain did not exist. That was how I was able to survive, I adored these kids, they were my escape. However, added to the torment of Rachael's loss was my own verbal self inflicted torment. Not until coming here have I grown and quit that completely. When I went to the gym on Monday, I saw a glimmer of who I once was. Full of passion and drive, able to successfully achieve whatever I set my mind to. Although I do not outright "blame" myself any longer. I have gotten tremendously better, and I thank you kind and loving souls on BI for tolerating me with my psychobabble. If I had been able to say good bye I think there perhaps would be some closure.~~~~As her mom I feel responsible. It is silent and it is just there. The feeling of it. Will that feeling ever leave?is there something I can do to overcome it? ~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Alot of talk of suicide lately.

That is a tough one for me. I do not feel I can comment on this because I am not in your shoes. But what I can say is that each one of us are good parents. We loved our kids so much and that is why the pain is so intense.

Please be kind to yourself. Identify the "Voice in Your Head" that tells you ---you are a horrible person for not being able to save your child. Give it a name - I call it the "Demon on my Shoulder"

It would whisper horrible untruths in my head. It was not until I came here and heard that other parents actually survived the loss of a child, that I realized - I need to fight this!!!

So now when I have those thoughts of worthlessness, I tell the "Demon on my Shoulder" to take-off.

I know this sounds wierd, but this works for me.

Hope it helps

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mrsduc]

I believe not only Robert, but all of our kids that kill themselves do not mean to hurt us or anyone, for all they are thinking about is how terrible their pain is and how unbearable is to live that way anymore. Because most people that commit suicide do not do it over night. It can take years and it can be something real small to us that will make them go over the edge, but it is like their last straw. It is none of our faults, all of them do not blame us for their pain and heartache. I know this. We cannot bring them back. And I know that I would not hestitate for one moment to kill myself if I knew I was guarenteed to be with Robert, but just like in life there are no guantees and I am sure it is that way in death. So that is the only thing that keeps me going. But I spoke to Robert this morning when I found this sweat shirt that he had bought me many years ago and I will not be able to ever wear it again for fear that something will happen to it. But I cried to Robert that I loved him and missed him so much and why did he have to leave me in this world alone. And that is what I feel. I love my husband and my birth sister and a few others but they are not Robert and if God told me today that I would be with Robert tomorrow if I die today, then I would do anything to make sure I died today. But I know that will not happen so I have to go on and pretend that life is what I want. I use to believve no one was worth going to jail for so I was always careful all my life even when people were hurting me, I would turn it all inward just as Robert did. But the difference between me and Robert was that I had my first six years living in foster home that was very cruel to me and I had to learn to survive without anyone to help me and then I went to my adopted familly and then started to get beat and molested and I had to learn to take care of myself again until they got rid of me when I started talking when I was 16 and then I really had to learn that I was all alone in the world and I had to struggle and make things work until I married my ex, Robert's father who beat me and threw me out of a car at 9 months pregnant carrying Robert and left me in the rain for 2 hours. The best thing that happened was by the time he took me to the hospital they kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks before Robert was born. I felt like I was on vacation. No pain. But see I had to learn from an early age to survive and Robert was born into a family that told him how to think and what to do. He was not allowed to express his own thoughts or wants or feelings and when he did they would make life a living hell verbally and physically. But he just could not make it in this world because he was never given the tools to try and survive no matter what. And that is why I understand why he did what he did. Does it make it easier for me? NO! But I know that no matter what he is someone that I admire and am so proud of. He tried so hard to make it for so many years. He was so sensitive and loving to all but himself. But I tried to build him up when I felt he was doing good. I would try and give him not answers but examples of if you do it this way this might happen of if you do it this way this might happen. I tried to tell him that the great thing about being an adult is that you get to choose but that no matter what way you choose there are always consequences whether good or bad and that you have to be willing to except them. I also told him that he would never make it as long as he had one leg in VA with his grandparents and he other in CA where he was trying to become independent. I told him all you are doing is the splits and it won't work. He said he went to his therapist and after therapy he called me and he said mom you are so wise. That what I had told him was so true. But he was not able to change it because without being taught the steps to survive and making it on your own it is hard to let go of the people that are paying all your bills and still controling you. This I completely understand all of what Robert was going thru. But I still want to be with him. I do not want him back into this lousy world that is mean people and a dog it dog world not like the old days when i was growing up and I watched all the grown ups looking out for each of their neighbors. Not anymore. Most of the time people our so into their own life they don't even know their neighbors. And to me that is so sad. I go to the doctor this afternoon for my eye. I am not looking forward to it because she has not believed me so far about my pain and the tenderness when I touch it again. But my husband is going to help me get her to understand. I do not want to be hurting when I go on my cruise atleast not from my eye. I will have enough knowing that Robert will not be with us. But i am going to try my hardest to put him to the side just for 4 days. I can not promise that I can do that but everyone that is going with us I have explained that I have no control of when I will cry and i just told them to maybe rub my back and get me thinking of something else. I just know that Robert would want me to have fun. then when we come back I have 8 weeks until we go to CA to celebrate Robert's birthday at the beach. I think that will be hard but I am very much looking forward to seeing James and Cheryl the ones that loved Robert as family and did most of the cleaning of Robert's apartment with me along with taking his dogs one for each of them. I told them that for now on they are in my heart because they are alot like Robert the most sweetest people I have met in a long time, but they are now my family and anything they need and if I am able to help just call. cheryl is taking care of her 31 year old sister who has a very rare cancer and it is getting pretty rough for her. I told her that I am only a 5 and 1/2 hour plane ride away that I would come and give her a break for alittle bit. She said that she did not want to burden me and i told her it would help me get out of myself. People mean well but i don't think that they understand that if I am doing something else then I will always have Robert in my mind but I will be trying very hard to concentrate on what needs to be done. So I will see. I will stop for now. Once again I am rambling. Thanks and maybe once or twice something I say might help someone else. Just hope so.

[ericasmom]

Ivy, what a very hard time for you and for all those who love your Son. I too often wondered if ERi saw what was coming at her, if she felt terror, but I would like to think that it all just happened too fast to feel that. (she was struck by a train in Kalamazoo, Michigan, almost 9 years ago. She lived for 6 days, but never awake...severe head trauma.) Anyhow, as Colleen spoke and others here, the voices in your head will be intense, it will be hard to change the pictures of your Boy's accident to the pictures of YOUR BOY, the wonderful SON, the amazingly loving Boy that you will always know, and always love. He will always be your Son, he will always love you. RIght now, it is all I can say besides take care of you the way you would want a friend to take care of themselves in similar circumstances. It is going to be hard and it will get more intense, eventually, yu will feel the rawness of it, but that is anecessary stage of this rough road. I promise that it will not always be as it is now. The first year or two are very hard. We are here, no worries about graphic explanations...we get it completely. We often need to repeat our stories many times in order to digest them ourselves and to make clear the story that caused this complete loss. Come back and post whenever you are able.

[Jeff's Mom]

Ivy, I am really sorry for your loss. Dee is so right. You are going to go through a really rough ride during this struggle. Please do take care of yourself and try to get proper rest and eat even if you have to force yourself. You have fopund a good place to come to vent. It has been a life saver for me.

Thank you everyone for your kind words of comfort and support. For the most part I am doing as best as I am able. But there are days like yesterday that the reality of what happened just swoops in and almost consumes me. The thing is our family doc told us he did not have to die. I was so focused on the others that I was not there for him when he needed me. Perhaps he would have reached out to me and opened up. But he was so gentle and kind. He never wanted to cause conflict in any way or upset. he held it all inside. I find myself trying so hard not to be angry with those that took my time and attention. A couple of them were people that were childless. They lived their lives as they wanted establishing careers, etc. Then when old age started to settle in and health deteriorated they were at our door step for assistance. One aunt had alzheimers. The uncle had heart issues and dementia. I had a call one July from her neighbour that she asked me to drive into the city. I found her sitting on the edge of her bed in tears. She had the clothes closet open, but was unable to process how to dress herself. Another time I walked in to find her dressed for winter complete with fur coat and gloves. It was ninety degrees outside. She had turned on the heat instead of the air conditioning. She could not process any of it. She called me incessantly. Up to fourteen times a day. I was going mad with it all. Taking them to doc appts. arranging for hair cuts, nail clippings, hospital tests and doc appts. and taking them. Shopping for groceries, arranging for meds. and on and on. I had to fight to get her the help she needed. We hired a private woman to come in to live with her and paid for it ourselves. Finally we had to have her put into the hospital and refused to allow them to discharge her. My MIL also had an inner ear problem called "muinere's" sp? disease. It would flare up continually. I would pack up an overnight bag and head to her place to stay for what was often be two to three days at a time to look after her. I cleaned her soiled linens, cooked for her and did everything I could to help her. Then just after Jeff died the cancer hit. She was a very stubborn and difficult woman. Many times I would get a call from the Home Care that she refused to get out of her chair and would not get up to be dressed or do whatever. Again, I had to go over and talk cold turkey to her. This time arranging for nursing materials and all things needed for her illness. I sat with her for almost two months at the hospital as she lay dying. I watched her deteriorate into a wasted shadow of her former self. But I swear her stubborness still remained in that room long after she had departed. Every last one of them fought an amazing fight to stay with us. When they were faced with their own demise they were not about to go easily. And who could blame them. My Mom in a hospital for four years due to many health issues as well as emphysema. So demanding for attention. It did not matter what you did for her that day but she focused on the next and how she may be alone. One time I broke a couple of my toes due to a stress fracture from walking!!! I arrived at the hospital to find her dressed to go out sitting in her wheelchair with her oxygen waiting for me to take her out. I told her my foot was killing me and I could hardly walk. Simply did not matter. We went out. I literally ran from one place to another to help them all.You see during all of this I put my sons on the back burner. I always made sure they had everything they needed. But I omitted one huge part. ME! And now I carry this with me that had it been different perhaps Jeff would have felt more inclined to talk to me. I was always there to listen. But I guess he did not want to bother me and put more pressure on me.

He was such a good guy. He deserved to live a long and happy life. The pain I am carrying is unbearable. I will never forgive myself. I can't.

[Maddy6]

Kate, we all make mistakes as parents because we are not perfect. In spite of this, the majority of the human race survives our less than perfect parenting skills. Some even survive failed parenting and even horrendous abuse to the point that we do not understand how they even survived it. So although I struggle the same way, as I rationalize it to you, I see the logic in that I am not at fault. I also see that as long as I continue the self blame, I am not going forward. So as I realized as I talked to Carol on my last post, I am still feeling responsible, and can't imagine never not feeling that way. I am hopeful in that one day, perhaps I will fully accept the truth of the logic I stated. Because I believe that is the truth. We are not, and never were in control of their destiny. We don't have that power.........now, when I can fully grasp that truth I will perhaps be one more step in recovery.~~~~

LOVE,MADDY

[Jeff's Mom]

Maddy and everyone else who has given me support and friendship. I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I know I have not always been easy to get along with. I am carrying a ton of hurt inside. I also know that I could not control what Jeff did. he was responsible for his own life. In feeling annoyed with the others it is just that they were so demanding and often ungrateful. The stubborness my MIL demonstrated was beyond funny. It was not admirable as much as she would have liked it to be. I will give you a couple of examples and you can decide for yourself what you think. We had her placed ina an Independent Living Facility before she took sick with cancer. She had her own apartment ...but the meals were served in a main dining room downstairs. When you told MIL not to do something...due to her safety...well, that spelled"Hey, let's check it out." So a while back the building behind this facility was doing major repairs. They posted yellow taping around everything with glaring signs not to go near the work site. Well, Helen being Helen decided to check it out. Again I received a call from security that she had fallen and they were just loading her onto the stretcher to take her to the hospital to check her out. She fell while stepping over the broken concrete. She had nine lives...EVERY YEAR! Then another call came from my very good friend Rob...God Bless him! Security kid that was an angel ...that MIL was seen crawling along the driveway back up to the building. She slipped and fell while out walking on a day that they were all advised to stay inside, as it was dangerously slippery. BUT she NEVER hurt herself. Not ever. Here I am on high blood pressure pills, a heart problem, and now I have developed a tick in my eye like the guy in the Pink Panther movie. The one that went nuts. Sound familiar?

And get this...the aunt that we tried to have paneled many, many times for a nursing home was beyond clever. They took her into the kitchen and asked het to show them how she would prepare a meal if she had company. She walked back into the living room as we looked stunned. They asked her why she would not try. She said:"Simple, I'd tell them to come after the meal." AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And so now it is my time to try to get my life back to normal. If I can. Looking back on all of these incidents and I could write a book about them...that explains why I am not missing her much.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for thinking of me.

Kate

[daveydow1]

Carol----I'll be praying hard for Mike as he undergoes surgery, and for each and every

one in your family, my friend.

Tylersmom.----Sorry to hear of your stepdad's death from esophagus cancer. (my dad

also had that form of cancer, and died 17 yrs. ago). . He's surely with your mom and

Tyler now. Peace & prayers, friend.

Betsy-----Oh my goodness.......I'm so very sorry to hear of dear Morgan's death, and in

such a violent way. You have had so much sorrow in your life. I pray you can somehow

gain some strength and comfort. Rich was there to take Morgan's hand when she left

this world.

Rhonda------Our weather is warm/hot one day, cool the next. We could use some rain,

but so far not much of it. Westley must be looking down on you and sending you

his love. I've been thinking so much about Davey lately.......as usual, and thinking of

all the memories. We must keep those memories alive to comfort us, and remind us

of the love that we shared with our dear deceased children. Peace to you.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO EACH AND EVERYONE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Kate, the only way through grief is to actually go through it. We think it will destroy us, but trying to keep it at bay is much more destructive because it beats us down and then we still have to suffer through the grief. So here it is. You have nobody else to take care of now, and the full weight of your sadness is filling every space in your lives. I am so sorry that it is this way right now. I usre remember when all the room in the sky, the fields, the day was filled by the horror of losing Erica. Now the sky is blue, well gray today, but it is sky, the birds sing loud and clearly, Eri is with me and I am moved by her energy rather than frozen in her loss. But I was frozen for a time, each piece of grief is a process, a step through this time.

Jeff, wrap your arms around your Mum tonight and let her feel your presence.

Tyler's Mom, I am sorry too for the loss of your Stepdad, may he be free from all pain and join in the peace of the next place where our Angels live.

[Maddy6]

Question for those longer on this road (Dee, Colleen, Carol, Trudi, Sherry, & others):

~As her mom I feel responsible. It is silent and it is just there. The feeling of it. Will that feeling ever leave? Is there something I can do to overcome it? ~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate, the only way through grief is to actually go through it. We think it will destroy us, but trying to keep it at bay is much more destructive because it beats us down and then we still have to suffer through the grief. So here it is. You have nobody else to take care of now, and the full weight of your sadness is filling every space in your lives. I am so sorry that it is this way right now. I usre remember when all the room in the sky, the fields, the day was filled by the horror of losing Erica. Now the sky is blue, well gray today, but it is sky, the birds sing loud and clearly, Eri is with me and I am moved by her energy rather than frozen in her loss. But I was frozen for a time, each piece of grief is a process, a step through this time.

Jeff, wrap your arms around your Mum tonight and let her feel your presence.

Tyler's Mom, I am sorry too for the loss of your Stepdad, may he be free from all pain and join in the peace of the next place where our Angels live.

Thank you Dee and Maddy... I have never actually allowed myself to face this head on. Today I gave myself a good talking to and told myself to shape up pronto. A grown woman talking about her MIL like that? It was not nice...I would never have done that in the past, no matter how true it is. I have to take my own advice to others and stay as busy as possible. I'm off on the weekend to check out a nursery about a two hours drive from here. They have a spectacular new climbing Hydrangea vine. Also another new one that is called Pinky Winky, silly name, which grow five to six feet tall and wide. The panicles are white and turn to a deep rosy pink.

I have decided to buy a tree that is also new to this area. I am going to plant it in memory of Jeff in our yard. It's called a red rocket red maple. The colour is spectacular. Dee tell your husband that there is a new Iris out called Anaconda. The colours are amazing. And it goes beautifully with the new cranberry echinacea.

I just miss him so much. The silence is deafening. I have to get through this. He'd want that.

[ericasmom]

Maddy, yes, with help and with time, you will one day feel free of feeling that you could have prevented Rachel's death. I hung up th ephone with Eri and she went out to get a meal at Jimmy Johns, had we stayed on the phone longer, had I called her a few minutes later, so many what ifs...but none of those happened and while I know the circumstances are different, the result is the same. We lost our Girls. As parents, we feel responsible for their lives, even when they are older. The thing is, we could no more change their direction that fateful night than we could move the moon. It was out of our hands. One day, that sense of letting that go will happen, and your Daughter will do a cheer because I am sure that she wants you to find a life without that guilt. It is a process though, you may have to do some active self-talk to help yourself change the looped tape that you listen to in your head. Sometimes we have to actively go after it.

Kate, I think going off on the many ways that you spent your energy on MIL is not a bad thing, I think in fact, that it is healthy, allowing your frustrattion and anxiety out instead of burying it inside. Jeff is rooting for you too Kate, but he knows that Moms and Dads have to mourn, have to allow it so that they can move forward some, so let those tears fall, let yourself weep if you feel it, it will make room inside for more joy one day. Not today, today is a day when you are facing the extreme harsh reality of Jeff being gone, so don't scold yourself for anything today, simply let the sadness wash over you and acknowledge it for what it is. One day you will look back at this time adn see the many steps you took to get back inot the sunlight. We all must visit the depths of those underground tunnels before we can feel the sun again. Catacombs,, like one of my favorite songs...by Poi Dog Pondering. I have posted it before, but it may be a good time to do so again.

[ericasmom]

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends - quite some time since I have last visited but always think of you all with loving thoughts. I have been through some changes at work which is a good thing, some changes at home with hubby which are not so good, and very busy with Tavian as always. Missing my Jessica each day, something that will never change.

Maddy - our wonderful Dee has the wisdom and her post to you is something I cannot add too as she has said it all......The guilt is part of the grieving process and one that we must go through, as Dee said - the struggles with the "if only I had"...I no longer carry the guilt and once I released it there was a sense of peace knowing my Jessica was happy that I let it go. I now am thankful for the moments we had that night she left so suddenly, thankful I made her come see me before she went to dinner, thankful she hugged me good by and said I love you and I saw that beautiful smile as she walked out the door......The day will come when you too will find that peace....

I sure wish I could come here more often but now is not the time for me....I feel helpless and at a loss to help anyone here, although I know that is not expected of me - I have so much to share, to say but cannot find the words right now....I pray with time I will be back among you my friends...I miss you... Love Kathy

Tavian loving his marshmallow REALLY toasted...love him !!

Pic of Jessica and I made by a very special lady.....

[mikesmum]

Question for those longer on this road (Dee, Colleen, Carol, Trudi, Sherry, & others):

~As her mom I feel responsible. It is silent and it is just there. The feeling of it. Will that feeling ever leave? Is there something I can do to overcome it? ~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

Maddy ~ As a mum, the nuturing role extends to protecting. When our child is injured or ill we look at ways to help them heal. We rethink things rework things in an effort to futher protect.

When our child dies, our mind seeks answers to apease our hearts. First call for me was "there must have been something I could have done, seen, knew" that would keep my son safe, alive. Like the intial roar of grief that deafens, the whatifs subsides to a gentle whisper every now and then.

Cold, wet and dark here today.

Brighter note ~ Cooking for the school tomorrow with Grade 4

*Potato Bread

*Potato & Leek Soup with Crunchy Bacon

*Potato Crisps

Guess what vegetable they planted!!!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

Hey Trudi, some people would think you were Irish using all those potatoes! The soup sounds great. My son James lived in Dublin for three years and came back with some awesome recipes. Sounds like you may need some of them given the kids planted potatoes. Have fun.

Kate

[shorty16]

Maddy

I was the Queen-of-Guilt for a long time. "What did I say or not say to Brian that made him think car-surfing was ok?"

A wise man on this site (Greg) posted to me once "You will beat your head against the wall until you just can't beat it any more"

That is what happened to me. I analyzed and over-analyzed that night in my head a million times (not kidding). The conclusion was always the same "I would have done the same thing knowing what I knew then."

It takes a long time to do that and the timing is different for everyone. But, please be kind to yourself.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[tobyfreefoot]

colleen,

two of my four kids did the car surfing thing. you simply can't be there every second and tie your children to your side. my kids told me about it. i warned them of the dangers over and over. but i had to go to work etc. i couldn't keep teenagers in my sight all the time. the fact is my kids are smart. very smart. they knew it was incredibly dangerous. they did it anyway. teenagers think they are invincible, it does have something to do with brain development. my oldest apparently leaped between two buildings ten stories up. i didn't find that out until years later. i remember doing foolish things when i was young too. i knew i was taking a risk that was the fun of it. kids are just kids. accidents happen. nothing you could have done to prevent it. my child died in a car wreck in which he was a sleeping passenger. i feel like i failed him too. because a mother's job is to protect her child and when he died it was my fault. how could i have let my child die? i just had a short binge of that grief last night. i even thought it might have been that i didn't eat black eyed peas on new year's (southern superstition) it had to be my fault somehow. my friend's 15 year old died of a stroke. she said everyone in her grief group thought it was their fault some way.

maddy,

same for you. really everyone. kids do what they do. having grown up through the sixties and seventies i did my share of drugs. it had nothing to do with my misery. most of us did it for teenage fun. stupid but true. most of us quit when we grew up. some died before we got there. my kids have always told me most of the things they do right or wrong, they rarely hide anything from me. my daughter was a meth addict for a couple of years. in and out of the hospital-it took her deciding to quit. i couldn't do it for her. i was there for her but that was all i could do. just as i see my middle son drinking way too much. i've talked to him. i know he is in pain. i cannot fix it. i pulled out my biggest gun recently. i appealed to his very very sensitive nature (the reason he is in pain anyway on top of the death of forest) i told him. that he could quit if decided to and i hoped he would before he did damage to his body. that i have had 3 friends die waiting for a liver so i've seen what it can do. that i just couldn't lose another child. (my daughter had told me the worst part for him was watching the pain i was in. he was there when the officer came to tell me and i lie on the floor screaming "it's not true, it's not true" over and over. he lie down on top of me and said "mother you have to believe it, you have to believe it's true") i know he doesn't want to be the source of my pain and i'm hoping that i planted a seed to kick start sobriety.

and then there is the quote from forest "i will not tiptoe through life, just to arrive safely at death" that is not what killed him by sheer luck.

i don't know rambling i guess. gotta go deal with my dad's problems. i moved him to find him restrained and drooling alone in the foyer. not what i had been told would be the loving care he was to receive.

[Maddy6]

Wow, thanks Gretchen. I love the way you explain things. I really like what you told Colleen too. So very balanced. You must be a fun mom. I used to be a fun mom too :-) (once upon a time that is). I had to chuckle over the black eyed peas. Yes my dad ate them and cabbage too. Isn't that funny how we do that to ourselves and can see the humor when it is someone else,yet we will torment ourselves relentlessly. And you're right about the risk we take when we are young. I remember once when I was young....New Orleans party city and 18 years old was legal drinking age (by the time I turned 21 I was barely interested in alcohol), anyway, some friends and I got in the car of this middle age guy we worked with while out drinking. I guess he was trying to show off,or was crazy, but he did like 90 mph through city streets running all stop signs and lights. We were all terrified and I can remember expecting to be hit. We probably would have been killed. But for the grace of God we were not. Other crazy stuff too, but that is one that sticks out in my mind for years. The odds of no one passing at the time his car went through those intersections. I guess it is the same way with drugs. We went to a family grief place in the beginning. I struggled cause I hurt for all the other people and it was too painful. Anyway,one lady, her daughter was only 17. She was graduating early cause she was so smart and she was a year ahead in school. She went out to celebrate her graduation with friends and it was the first time she ever used drugs, and she died. I guess we think we are in control, but we are not. I remember for Hurricane Katrina..I had done this very large painting for the principal of our school of the mascot.The kids had all signed the frame. It was beautiful and it was my baby, even though it was no longer mine and was given to the principal. He hung it too high in his office. Every time I would see it hung at the wrong height, my artist eye would see it and be annoyed. When the flood waters came in from Katrina, the fact that the picture was so high protected it, it was one othe few things he was able to salvage after getting into the building in a boat because the water sat for 2 weeks. Every classroom was destroyed. Mine was full of my personal artwork because I had given a presentation to the students choosing electives the Friday before (I was the art teacher). My class was on the 2nd floor and every class had mold and destruction even up to the 2nd floor excet for mine. I was able to get all of my artwork. Some is discolored, but I still have so much of it that survived Katrina. There was no explanation why my classroom stayed so intact while the building was in shambles around it. I guess I saw over and over in that situation my lack of being able to control. I will hopefully feel like that about Rachael one day. Anyway,thanks for listening. Especially about Katrina, we have never had anyone to grieve with over that cause we were in Texas for the recovery.~~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy, good to see the sweet smile on your Jessica's face. I am so sorry you are having turmoil and pray that you will find calm again, soon. We miss you, too, Kathy.

Ivy: I am sorry I have not been on to welcome you to BI. I am so very sorry for your loss and the terrible tragedy of your son's horrific death. Please come here and tell us about him, share his life with us, and we will try to help you through this process of finding out how to breathe again without collapsing into a torrent of tears. My heart goes out to you.

It is late, and I am actually tired, so just want to say hello to all, let you know that I am thinking of you, keeping you in my prayers as always.

Kim (my oldest daughter, who lives in VA, for those who are new to BI) came in early yesterday morning, and after a busy afternoon. Cathi, my youngest daughter and her oldest sone, Davis and I took Kim to her first ballgame and first visit to Fenway Park Wednesday night. It was absolutely freezing there and the Sox lost, but we had such a terrific time! A memory maker for sure! We have a lot of crazy last-minute running around to do tomorrow and then Saturday everyone is coming to visit and go to a pizza place for lunch, then back to the house for make-your-own sundaes, before hubby goes for his surgery on Monday. I will post a picture that we had done at Fenway.

We leave on Sunday afternoon to head up north to be ready for hubby's surgery on Monday. We know that likely it will be some time before he can have visitors following his surgery, because one of the most important things to his recovery is that he remain as well as possible, with no exposures to infections of any kind. We are scared, anxious, hopeful, and holding each other up, but we are pulling on our faith to bring us through this to the renewal of health for hubby. We know this is a very serious surgery, with many possible complications, and a very lengthy recovery time, so we are not going into this blind, but we are certainly hoping and praying that things will go as easy as possible for him and that he won't suffer and setbacks. (for those new to BI, my husband, Mike, has pancreatic cancer and is going into the hospital on Monday for the "Whipple" surgery, and extensive, drastic attempt to allow him to live a little longer, and to have a good quality of life while he is doing so.) Meantime, I know that you all are keeping us in your prayers and sending good wishes and thoughts, and for this we are extremely grateful. I will keep you all posted of his progress.

Amy: I hope that you had a good time at the ballgame..I forget again which day you were going, but I think it was the third, if I remember right. Anyway, whatever day it was, I do hope it was a good day for both of you. The Indians are coming to Fenway on the weekend of the 12th, and Cathi and I had gotten tickets for the game for her birthday and Mother's day, which for her is only one day apart this year, but of course, I won't be able to go because I will still be at the hospital with hubby. Cathi is planning on taking her youngest, Jamie with her and going to the game, if all is going well with her dad.

To all: Keeping you in my prayers, and thinking of you each day. Dee, Maddy, Susan, Betty, Brenda, Trudi, Betsy, Gretchen, Colleen, Kate (the idea for the tree in honor of Jeff is just awesome), Linda, Leah (you okay?), and anyone I haven't mentioned...you are close in my heart each day, along with all of your angels...may you feel the spirit of your own precious angel, at least one time today.

[Jeff's Mom]

Morning Carol, and we are all holding you and Mike in our hearts and thoughts. That game sounded awesome... and I am really glad that you have your family surrounding you with love and support. You guys of all people deserve it! Pizza and sundaes are just the ticket as far as I am concerned. Good luck Ralph ...you are going to come out of this with flying colours and celebrate another anniversary with your sweetie.

Kate

[shorty16]

Gretchen,

Thank you so so much for sharing that your kids did car-surfing too.

Sometimes, I feel like I have a big "L" on my forehead for "Loser Mom"

But, when I hear other parents have experienced the same, I do not feel so bad.

It amazes me how much love I receive from this site. I hope I give as much as I receive.

Thanks again

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen,

Thank you so so much for sharing that your kids did car-surfing too.

Sometimes, I feel like I have a big "L" on my forehead for "Loser Mom"

But, when I hear other parents have experienced the same, I do not feel so bad.

It amazes me how much love I receive from this site. I hope I give as much as I receive.

Thanks again

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen, you are far from a loser Mom. Gretchen is right when she says that kids do things that are dangerous. Especially teen boys. They do think they are invincible and nothing is going to happen to them. And yes, accidents happen. We just never think it will be to us. Jeff and his friends used to go camping when he was in his late teens. At the memorial some of his friends spoke of the antics they got up to. It was like sitting at a wedding and hearing funny stories revealed by friends. I was horrified that one of them had not been hurt at some point. They looked back as guys do with fondness of time spent having a blast. Enjoying their youth. Brian was having a good time at that time. And you most definitely are a loving and caring Mom.

[Maddy6]

Colleen,

I competely agree that Gretchen has a way with words that made me feel so much better also

Go Gretchen and thank you

I am at school and one of the perks in Digital Art Class is that I can play hooky and jump over here when I take a break, so I have to run now but will.......

TTYL,

MADDY

[briansdad]

good tips

8 Tips for Understanding Grief and Rediscovering Gratitude in Times of Loss

By Melissa RousseauOn December 9th, 2008, our lives changed in an instant. I had rushed my mother to the emergency room after her level of confusion became alarming. We received the gut wrenching diagnosis that she had a brain tumor. Later that week we would find out that it was lung cancer that had metastasized. She had also received a diagnosis of breast cancer earlier that November. So all of a sudden, in a single moment, my vibrant, beautiful, colorful, brilliant artist of a mother was riddled with cancer.

Complete and utter disbelief. Every cell in my body felt the sharpness of our new reality. I fainted. Our world turned instantly upside down. That disbelief & shock held their ground and then shifted into fear. Fear held on too, but eventually turned to sadness. Sadness stuck around but turned to anger. The doozy was that at any moment, any one of those feelings would take charge again and spin us around so fast, that we would loose our balance and our breath. All of the big questions flooded our minds: How, why, when, and what can we do? For the next year I was my mother’s right hand gal, driving her to Dana Farber and Brigham & Women’s Hospitals for daily radiation and chemo appointments, researching other healing systems, consulting with natural doctors, booking her massage & reiki sessions, making playlists to keep her spirits up during our awful commutes, cooking her meals, forcing her to drink green juice and smoothies packed with cancer killers, encouraging her to make life lists and plan for future trips to her favorite places like Tuscany and the south of France. And eventually bathing her, helping her get dressed, and cleaning up the destruction state that chemo had left her weakened body in. As I look back, I realize that I was somehow taking impeccable care of myself as well: green juicing/smoothies, working out, walking in the woods, meditating, praying…I had to be at my strongest to bear the load of her grief, anger, sadness, and depression. I see now that I didn’t have time to grieve. I was too busy trying to save her life. On January 12, 2010 at 5am, after a year and a month of fighting, we lost her. My best friend, mother, and soul mate was gone from this world. It’s been 2 ½ years since that day and the disbelief and shock are still present. I still endure moments of crippling sadness and mindblowing anger at the universe. Many days of these past years have been spent in bed with the most debilitating depression of my life. Somehow, someway, I managed to refocus my career sites on wellness, and made it through muscular therapy school, graduating at the top of my class. And I continue to pursue my wellness career with a holistic nutrition program that will be finished in June. Although bits and pieces of the past years are completely blurred, with many details totally erased from my memory, grief’s nasty, slimy claws are slowly releasing their grip on me. There are the days now of real clarity when I realize that my mother isn’t gone at all, she’s just changed form. And the realization that she left so that I would discover and pursue my true passions in life: wellness, nutrition, healing, helping others relieve their own pain. Reflecting back on this journey, I am aware of some patterns of knowledge and tools that were imperative to my healing, and continued healing: 1. Understand that grief manifests itself differently for everyone: I have spent much of my time constantly questioning why I wasn’t making progress putting my life back together and why my father and sister seemed to be so capable of moving on. How are they not in as much pain and suffering as I am? A medical intuitive that I sought out during one particularly rough patch said these words to me: “Their grief is none of your business.” At first those words stung a bit. But she was right. They were doing what they needed to do. The fact that my father began dating right away and my sister was able to get right back to her life with her kids in Vermont, as painful as it was to watch, really was none of my business. My one and only goal was and is to focus on my own path and healing, one day at a time, one breath at a time. 2. Understand the inconsistency of grief and allow it to come: Grief can come at any moment, and in any form. Hearing a song on the radio would reduce me to sobs. Seeing a mother and daughter shopping together was a knife to my heart, that would quickly turn in to anger, cementing the crystal clear truth that I was never going to be able to share life’s big moments like getting married and having babies with her. And I felt like I could never prepare myself for these shots to my system. That concept alone was exhausting, but I began to tune in and understand that what I was feeling is part of the grief picture and healing. I began to give myself permission simply to FEEL. I made the conscious choice to be more patient and kind to myself during those times. 3. Sit in nature: The FOG I have felt and continue to feel is also part of grief. For most of the past years, I had been feeling dizzy, numbed, living as a shell of my former self. Not always fully aware of my surroundings. My processing of the world around me seemed in slow motion. Conversations were hard to follow. Too many loud noises at once destroyed any concentration that I had left. The one comfort from this feeling that I found was sitting in nature and really tuning in to the sounds, the movements of leaves and creatures, the fresh air blowing, the earthy smells. It has helped to reawaken my dulled, numbed out senses that were feeling too sad to feel anything at all. 4. Follow a routine: However simple or mundane as that may seem. I forced myself to get up, do my breathwork, meditate, drink my green smoothie, shower and cry. Every morning. 5. Exercise: Without a doubt, exercise has gotten me through this time. As a massage therapist, I am huge believer that emotions, when not properly released, can get caught in our tissues, muscles, and cells, with the potential to cause extreme long-term physical pain. Exercise forced me to move some of that grief out and re-oxygenate my body with positive, fresh O2. It allowed for a time and space where my brain could focus on something other than the excruciating pain of loss. It was a release and relief. 6. Find solace in other people’s grief journey: I couldn’t read while I was caring for my mother. Could barely leaf through a magazine just looking at the pictures. I watched countless movies instead. After she passed, however, I found Joan Didion’s book, The Year Of Magical Thinking and devoured it. It was just what I needed. I had begun isolating myself from everyone, feeling as though no one understood what I was going through, or that they had expectations that I should be moving on faster than I was. I found comfort that I was unable to find anywhere else in Joan’s words and processing of her husband’s passing. 7. Have faith that time does shift the sharpness of the pain: I used to get so angry with people who would say “Oh just give it time…” It would make me venomous. But I have slowly come to believe that this is true. The pain will never fully go away. A piece of my heart will forever be missing, but the pain has begun to shift, becoming less sharp, piercing, and invasive. 8. Practice gratitude: This has been a tough one for me. I have been too angry at the universe to say thank you for anything at all. I realized this a few months ago during a particularly challenging meditation. I was repeating my gratitude mantras when I saw so clearly THAT I DIDN’T MEAN IT. I wasn’t grateful. I was pissed and furious and fearful to continue in this world without my mother. In that moment I decided to shift my mantras to simply asking for HELP TO RELEASE myself of any fear and anger. Just to see what happened. I knew that they were no longer serving me in any way. They were blocking me from living. And something started to click into place. My mother left this world so that I could continue on the path that I was meant to follow: helping others overcome their pain and fill their own lives with passion and wellness. She cleared the way for me to finally open my eyes and really investigate my own true intentions for this life. And finally, for that, I feel overwhelming, wonderful feelings of gratitude.

[mikesmum]

Colleen ~ My girl...June Cleaver was a figment of someones imagination. I used to think she was the perfect mother. With just a look, a 'talk with your father' she managed to dispell any harm that might have befallen her beloved Wally and the Beave!

When the young are testing their 'world' they believe they are invincible, made of titanium. I think of you and the word loser never comes to mind.

Open, honest, heartfelt carer, heart broken mum, but never a Loser Mum. You would have done anything to keep your boy safe.

This is truly part of the I failed cloud that flutters by and rains on us some days.....Hope the sun breaks through soon.

Outside my door.....pastels on a cold crisp evening

The leaves are turning.

[Jeff's Mom]

good tips

8 Tips for Understanding Grief and Rediscovering Gratitude in Times of Loss

By Melissa RousseauOn December 9th, 2008, our lives changed in an instant. I had rushed my mother to the emergency room after her level of confusion became alarming. We received the gut wrenching diagnosis that she had a brain tumor. Later that week we would find out that it was lung cancer that had metastasized. She had also received a diagnosis of breast cancer earlier that November. So all of a sudden, in a single moment, my vibrant, beautiful, colorful, brilliant artist of a mother was riddled with cancer.

Complete and utter disbelief. Every cell in my body felt the sharpness of our new reality. I fainted. Our world turned instantly upside down. That disbelief & shock held their ground and then shifted into fear. Fear held on too, but eventually turned to sadness. Sadness stuck around but turned to anger. The doozy was that at any moment, any one of those feelings would take charge again and spin us around so fast, that we would loose our balance and our breath. All of the big questions flooded our minds: How, why, when, and what can we do? For the next year I was my mother’s right hand gal, driving her to Dana Farber and Brigham & Women’s Hospitals for daily radiation and chemo appointments, researching other healing systems, consulting with natural doctors, booking her massage & reiki sessions, making playlists to keep her spirits up during our awful commutes, cooking her meals, forcing her to drink green juice and smoothies packed with cancer killers, encouraging her to make life lists and plan for future trips to her favorite places like Tuscany and the south of France. And eventually bathing her, helping her get dressed, and cleaning up the destruction state that chemo had left her weakened body in. As I look back, I realize that I was somehow taking impeccable care of myself as well: green juicing/smoothies, working out, walking in the woods, meditating, praying…I had to be at my strongest to bear the load of her grief, anger, sadness, and depression. I see now that I didn’t have time to grieve. I was too busy trying to save her life. On January 12, 2010 at 5am, after a year and a month of fighting, we lost her. My best friend, mother, and soul mate was gone from this world. It’s been 2 ½ years since that day and the disbelief and shock are still present. I still endure moments of crippling sadness and mindblowing anger at the universe. Many days of these past years have been spent in bed with the most debilitating depression of my life. Somehow, someway, I managed to refocus my career sites on wellness, and made it through muscular therapy school, graduating at the top of my class. And I continue to pursue my wellness career with a holistic nutrition program that will be finished in June. Although bits and pieces of the past years are completely blurred, with many details totally erased from my memory, grief’s nasty, slimy claws are slowly releasing their grip on me. There are the days now of real clarity when I realize that my mother isn’t gone at all, she’s just changed form. And the realization that she left so that I would discover and pursue my true passions in life: wellness, nutrition, healing, helping others relieve their own pain. Reflecting back on this journey, I am aware of some patterns of knowledge and tools that were imperative to my healing, and continued healing: 1. Understand that grief manifests itself differently for everyone: I have spent much of my time constantly questioning why I wasn’t making progress putting my life back together and why my father and sister seemed to be so capable of moving on. How are they not in as much pain and suffering as I am? A medical intuitive that I sought out during one particularly rough patch said these words to me: “Their grief is none of your business.” At first those words stung a bit. But she was right. They were doing what they needed to do. The fact that my father began dating right away and my sister was able to get right back to her life with her kids in Vermont, as painful as it was to watch, really was none of my business. My one and only goal was and is to focus on my own path and healing, one day at a time, one breath at a time. 2. Understand the inconsistency of grief and allow it to come: Grief can come at any moment, and in any form. Hearing a song on the radio would reduce me to sobs. Seeing a mother and daughter shopping together was a knife to my heart, that would quickly turn in to anger, cementing the crystal clear truth that I was never going to be able to share life’s big moments like getting married and having babies with her. And I felt like I could never prepare myself for these shots to my system. That concept alone was exhausting, but I began to tune in and understand that what I was feeling is part of the grief picture and healing. I began to give myself permission simply to FEEL. I made the conscious choice to be more patient and kind to myself during those times. 3. Sit in nature: The FOG I have felt and continue to feel is also part of grief. For most of the past years, I had been feeling dizzy, numbed, living as a shell of my former self. Not always fully aware of my surroundings. My processing of the world around me seemed in slow motion. Conversations were hard to follow. Too many loud noises at once destroyed any concentration that I had left. The one comfort from this feeling that I found was sitting in nature and really tuning in to the sounds, the movements of leaves and creatures, the fresh air blowing, the earthy smells. It has helped to reawaken my dulled, numbed out senses that were feeling too sad to feel anything at all. 4. Follow a routine: However simple or mundane as that may seem. I forced myself to get up, do my breathwork, meditate, drink my green smoothie, shower and cry. Every morning. 5. Exercise: Without a doubt, exercise has gotten me through this time. As a massage therapist, I am huge believer that emotions, when not properly released, can get caught in our tissues, muscles, and cells, with the potential to cause extreme long-term physical pain. Exercise forced me to move some of that grief out and re-oxygenate my body with positive, fresh O2. It allowed for a time and space where my brain could focus on something other than the excruciating pain of loss. It was a release and relief. 6. Find solace in other people’s grief journey: I couldn’t read while I was caring for my mother. Could barely leaf through a magazine just looking at the pictures. I watched countless movies instead. After she passed, however, I found Joan Didion’s book, The Year Of Magical Thinking and devoured it. It was just what I needed. I had begun isolating myself from everyone, feeling as though no one understood what I was going through, or that they had expectations that I should be moving on faster than I was. I found comfort that I was unable to find anywhere else in Joan’s words and processing of her husband’s passing. 7. Have faith that time does shift the sharpness of the pain: I used to get so angry with people who would say “Oh just give it time…” It would make me venomous. But I have slowly come to believe that this is true. The pain will never fully go away. A piece of my heart will forever be missing, but the pain has begun to shift, becoming less sharp, piercing, and invasive. 8. Practice gratitude: This has been a tough one for me. I have been too angry at the universe to say thank you for anything at all. I realized this a few months ago during a particularly challenging meditation. I was repeating my gratitude mantras when I saw so clearly THAT I DIDN’T MEAN IT. I wasn’t grateful. I was pissed and furious and fearful to continue in this world without my mother. In that moment I decided to shift my mantras to simply asking for HELP TO RELEASE myself of any fear and anger. Just to see what happened. I knew that they were no longer serving me in any way. They were blocking me from living. And something started to click into place. My mother left this world so that I could continue on the path that I was meant to follow: helping others overcome their pain and fill their own lives with passion and wellness. She cleared the way for me to finally open my eyes and really investigate my own true intentions for this life. And finally, for that, I feel overwhelming, wonderful feelings of gratitude.

Greg, thanks for taking the time and effort to post this. Hopefully it will help those in need. Take care.

Kate

[ericasmom]

HEy Trudi, how was the potato work with the 4th graders?

Kate, how was the nursery and did you get the plant you wanted?

Greg, love the 8 steps, each are very important, and I see how we have traveled them all, sometimes many times.

Goodnight all, up late adn just having some quiet time after a loud adn boisterous week.

[Jeff's Mom]

HEy Trudi, how was the potato work with the 4th graders?

Kate, how was the nursery and did you get the plant you wanted?

Greg, love the 8 steps, each are very important, and I see how we have traveled them all, sometimes many times.

Goodnight all, up late adn just having some quiet time after a loud adn boisterous week.

Trudi...thanks for the photos. The sky is just spectacular. I guess this is your winter starting to settle in, eh? My husband just returned from the week spent up in Banff. The people that worked in the hotel where he stayed are mostly from Australia and New Zealand. Mostly university kids taking time off to work and ski. He remarked how really friendly they all are. He had a chance to drop by and see the kids on his way through Calgary. The baby is growing by leaps and bounds. Can't wait to get my hand on those little ones. Cute as the dickens. Hope you had fun at school yesterday.

Dee..today is the day we are heading out to buy the plants. Look forward to the outing. Our weather is less then desirable these days. Finally we are getting some much needed rain, but along with it is the cold. Very chilly for this time of year. Thought I'd send this now. Can't sleep. Husband and dog snoring to beat the band.

Well, thinking of everyone. Sending warm wishes and hoping you have a decent day. Take care. Carol...enjoy the pizza day!

Kate

[mrsduc]

Yesterday was one of the worst days since Robert died. It was the four month anniversary that he killed himself. I was crying from 1:30am on. Nothing helped me at all. I tried to talk to my other two boys but they did not want to talk to me. I felt so alone and my chest and insides felt like I was having not only a panic attack but like the pain was going to reap my insides right out of me. Well I called my birth sister Kim who I have gotten very close to and before I knew what hit me she was here to hold me. She lives in another state but she came when I asked her to. I told her after I had asked her that never mind don't come. Because I hate intruding or asking for anything. I don't like being this needy and fragile. But she came and held me and it meant more than I can say. We watched Robert's suicide videos and she helped me see another dimension of them that I had not seen which really helped put alot into prospective. Does it help my loss no. But it helps me to know that she listened to me and cared enough about me to come all the way from PA to MD which is a 4 hour drive and she brought her 80 year old mom because she was worried about leaving her with her grown kids because she had a cold and she likes to get out of the house and does not get out much. I am just so happy to have her hear. I know that my husband is not jealous of her because I have told him that he helps me too and i would not be here now with Robert died and if I did not have my husband I would of killed myself, no question about it. I just eat what i can but it won't stay in me. i am loosing weight weekly almost. Robert would of loved to have seen me now. I have gone down from and 18 or sometimes 20W to a 14, since he died. I am having more and more shaking and panic attacks lately. I do not understand why they are coming on. I am on medication for it. But my chest these last few days have been filled with doom and gloom and heartache and so much pain I can hardly breath. Right in the middle. So tight and i know it is a panic attack because I am shaking as i type this. My fingers my nerves are shot. Any suggestions. I am going on this cruise in a week and I told Robert out loud that I knew he would want me to have fun and be happy and I am going to try for just 4 days to do that. I told him I cannot promise him anything. Now in his suicide video that I cherish so much because alot of people don't even get a note, but he said that for all of us to take care of ourselves and not to worry about him that he was so tired of his pain and just had to do what was best for him and that was why he was going to kill himself. I do understand what he is saying but it does not help a mother's pain of loosing her child that meant so much to me and we were so close. But I am trying and I just can't seem to get past the fact that I am having to admit that he really is gone and i will never have anymore tomorrows with him. And as I write those words the tears pour from my eyes. It hurts so badly. I don;t know what to do anymore to stop the pain. I am I think doing the best that I can do. I would kill myself in a blink of an eye but I don't think I would be allowed to be with my son and that is why I don't consider killing myself plus I have had nothing but bad luck all my life so knowing me if I tried to kill myself I would not succeed so why bother trying. But this life sucks like a living HELL without him in my life anymore. I just don't like to think about all the tomorrows that will never be. Then I think about all the yesterdays that his grandparents kept from us that we should of been together, but they would not allow me around. Just so many years gone both ways I look. I seem to always get the short end of the stick so to speak. And I am as low as a person could go and I just am so down. anyway thanks for listening. Sorry for being so depressing all the time.

[Maddy6]

Linda,I am so very sorry for the agony and pain you are experiencing. How truly wonderful that in the midst of your heartache your sister would come to hold you and comfort you. You are loved, you are not alone, you are important, as evidenced by your sister's actions. You have endured so much in your life and now the loss of Robert, and it is the greatest pain a mother can know. I am so very sorry for the pain you have. I wish that I could remove it, bring Robert back to you. All of us here know and understand the raw unending pain you are feeling. I remember the ache in my heart that permeated into my physical body in the beginning. Having been trained by life to try to divert my mind and find a distraction, the loss of Rachael was too great a loss for that trick to work. There was nothing whatsoever that would bring solace. The pain is a pain so great that none of us would even wish it on our greatest enemy. We are here with you Linda. We care that you are hurting. In the beginning I continued to put one foot in front of the other, it was all I could do. Looking back the first year was a fog, the pain and shock was so great. Please do not apologize for being depressing. Many times in this journey, depressing was all I had to give and was lucky I could give that. Hang on Linda, keep going through the daily motions. Time will eventually soften the situation. Please take vitamins and try to eat something. Try to keep taking care of yourself. We all remember the day our world came crashing down and life as we knew it would never be the same. We know Linda. We know your pain. You are not alone.~~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[Maddy6]

I am heading to class today. I have to wrap up my portfolio for finals. I thought I would share with you all what I did last night. Since you all have been so faithful to listen when I am in pain, you may like to know when I move forward too LOL . Anyway, I think last night was the first time I went to something for a friend since Katrina, since Rachael?? Not sure, since we had no friends for so long in Texas, I know, soooo sad , but hey, life's improving now . Anyway, we went to the Senior Fashion Show for my designer friend who is graduating from TWU. It was the whole senior class and was around 200 pieces. My friend is very talented and her work was beautiful. I met her in a Drawing class 2-3 years ago and I do her portfolio work for her. Anyway I had never been to something like this and it was so awesome and so fun. Hubby went with me also, cause he is a good husband like that, but he enjoyed it also. It made me wish I knew another designer friend so I could go to the show next year!! So just wanted to share on a brighter note the musings of my life TTYL, LOVE, MADDY

[mysonrich]

Robert's mom, in no way does what I'm about to tell you compare to your loss , the death of Robert. I know first hand the death of a friend does not “compare” to the death of a child. After Richie died I read a lot. A whole lot.( I mentioned before that it took 4 months for a coroners report which I won't go into because it seems to upset people here.) (the rehashing) After the report arrived I read to make sense of what went wrong in my son's body. How could something so tiny kill a strong,seemly healthy happy young man? My personal physician offered to read Richie’s report and discuss it with me but I have yet to take him up on the kind offer. SO....around 7 years ago a friend of mine committed suicide. ( a friends brother)He was 56 years old and never recovered from his son's suicide. I also feel,in hindsight, that my friend was taking too many medications for depression and not being monitored correctly, these med's messed with his brain chemistry in the wrong way. What I never told my friend was while doing genealogy research at one time,not serious,just for fun. I found a relative of his that many.many years ago also committed suicide. This lead me to more reading . I know of guilt. (Why didn't I scan my son's body with the x-ray eyes and see something was wrong. When he complained of heartburn, why did I not know that it may have been a precursor to a heart problem? Forget the fact that he ate like any 20 year old. Some junk. Why did someone not know that when he was sick a week before he died that he was dieing and didn't have the flu?)

What I read of suicide and the deaths of my friend,his son and ancestor was that the biology of the brain is different. Not just a chemical imbalance due to depression but the entire biology of the brain and brain stem has found to be different. Is death to suicide different from the death of cancer,heart attacks and like Richie, cardiac dysrhythmia? I believe that science has yet to catch up and not studied enough to understand the “why”. When looking for an answer to “why” with Rich I found no rhyme or reason to “why” in a spiritual sense but when I understood the biology of how, I started to take an understanding step forward.

This week has been a emotional tug of war. On the bright side I finalized plans to attend my niece's wedding next month in Memphis,TN. Richie was born in June and Lisa followed that year in October. My bil has remarried and his new wife has filled the shoes of my sister. I have to admit I had some trouble when reading “our daughter” on the invitation ( wait ! Wait! My sister is her mother!) but have come to feel that Lisa is very fortunate to call her step-mom Mother and she is loved as a daughter.

In the murder of Morgan and learning that this man should have been locked up way before this,I now know that events are taking place to try to keep her children together.

Trudi, beautiful pictures. Did you have the super moon last night? It should be better then last years super moon or so I hear. Also hard to photograph but I have read up on what to do with f stops etc and will give it a try.

Which brings to mind Diane. Anyone hear from her? Nathans mom.

Carol, you and Mike will not be alone in the waiting room and surgery suite. The spirit of so many people will be crowding in all around you both. Earthly and heavenly spirits!

Kate, Dee, Sherry, Betty,Gretchen, Colleen, Kathy, Karen, MaryAnn in Delaware, Shelly, Rhonda,Becky,Maddy,Greg,Dan,Crystal,Ivy,..Indigo's....I'm heading out to a 30 family yard sale. I don't need anything,its just something to do.

Thinking of you all and taking our angels along for a ride!!

[ericasmom]

Sending my love and hope out to all of you. Carol, as you and Mike prepare for this Monday, know that your Angel is smiling on all the gatherings, the ballgames, the love that is so easily exchanged and absorbed. He is so proud of all the steps your family continues to make. He is alongside in it all.

My heart.

Trudi, the photos are gorgeous. The leaf took my breath away, so detailed, each vein and blemish. Gorgeous.

Linda, as others have said, HANG ON> Wonderful that your Sis came to be with you. Wonderful.

[mrsduc]

Thank you so much for you and everyones support. It does help. But all I keep screaming inside is You guys are not helping me because you are not bringing my son Robert back. But I have to be honest with myself and Robert has not been happy for along long long time, if ever. He I know is happy and if that means I have to now live in this Living Hell without him then I will do that just to know that he is finally out of pain and shame and bad stuff that he indured all his life. Do I like it. Hell No. Does it help my pain any, NO. But I am happy and proud of my son and I will always be proud and always will love him. I reached out to both my sons yesterday afternoon and both tuned me away. I keep trying with them but I can't do it to myself anymore. How do you stop being a mom when your chid is DEAD? i don't know who I am anymore. All I see is that I am a mother who could not love her child enough to protect him when he was younger or love him enough when he and I butted heads when he turned 18. I am a mother who did not try to tell him what to do as an adult even though my whole insides wanted to scream at him and say stop doing that but I didnt I let him try to do somethings even though I knew that they were dangerous, like the drug use he was doing near the end. So I have to live with the fact that I bore a innocent child and I along with everyone else that loved Robert helped to destroy him. I do not feel that I can take as much as the blame as others (grandparents), because Robert told me in his video that I never judged him or put him down I loved him unconditionally and I allowed him to be himself. And he told me inthe video that he truely loved me. And the sad thing is that I knew he did, but I was just not enough to save him. Why tell me why, God would allow a child to come into this world knowing as the Great God he is that my son would die by his own hands when he was 32 and destroy me. Why then was Robert even put here on this earth to suffer so and now to have me suffer for the rest of my life. It makes no sense to me at all. What was Roberts purpose on this earth. To allow God to bring me this pain. I just do not understand. I may never I guess. Or like you all say I am still new in this crappy new journal of this life of hell that I have to be on now.

Linda,I am so very sorry for the agony and pain you are experiencing. How truly wonderful that in the midst of your heartache your sister would come to hold you and comfort you. You are loved, you are not alone, you are important, as evidenced by your sister's actions. You have endured so much in your life and now the loss of Robert, and it is the greatest pain a mother can know. I am so very sorry for the pain you have. I wish that I could remove it, bring Robert back to you. All of us here know and understand the raw unending pain you are feeling. I remember the ache in my heart that permeated into my physical body in the beginning. Having been trained by life to try to divert my mind and find a distraction, the loss of Rachael was too great a loss for that trick to work. There was nothing whatsoever that would bring solace. The pain is a pain so great that none of us would even wish it on our greatest enemy. We are here with you Linda. We care that you are hurting. In the beginning I continued to put one foot in front of the other, it was all I could do. Looking back the first year was a fog, the pain and shock was so great. Please do not apologize for being depressing. Many times in this journey, depressing was all I had to give and was lucky I could give that. Hang on Linda, keep going through the daily motions. Time will eventually soften the situation. Please take vitamins and try to eat something. Try to keep taking care of yourself. We all remember the day our world came crashing down and life as we knew it would never be the same. We know Linda. We know your pain. You are not alone.~~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[shorty16]

Maddy

It is obvious, to me, that you have come so far in the last couple months. Going out into the world and taking part in social activities can be very difficult, but you did it.

I am so glad you had a good time with a good friend.

Keep up the great work.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

It is overcast today in Wisconsin, and that tends to make me lazy.

I had a good week at work. We had a large customer come in and audit our Counterfeit Parts Process. We passed with flying colors. I work for a company that makes navigation, search and detection equipment for commercial and military applications. Counterfeit electronic parts are a huge problem and our team did a great job proving our process.

My daughter (Michelle) and her boyfriend (Michael) went to see The Avengers last night. They both said it was one of the best movies they ever saw. They are going again today. We are cheap and will buy the movie when it comes out.

Aaron is doing stupid things again; therefore, he is home with us this weekend (I do not know who is being punished). I realize he is 18, but MY ROOF MY RULES. A little bit of sweat-labor never hurt anyone.

So that is my weekend - lazy and mean mom. I am being really calm and nice with Aaron, but I do not like what he did, but I love him - I tell him that alot. We learn - don't we.

Colleen Brian's Mother 4ever

[Maddy6]

In class and taking a break .

Hi Betsy, yes, I had messaged Diane a while back (2-3 weeks?), she said she was taking a break for now. She was doing well. As well as possible that is. Hope you enjoy your garage sale today

Greg, thank you for the grief guidelines posted. I appreciate so much that many of you keep posting this information. The reminder helps.

Trudi, Love the pics . Our cockatiel kept laying eggs a while back and would not stop. Our vet said it was because it was summer in Australia . She stopped and now I realize why! The seasons have changed in Australia, which apparently her body clock is hooked up to?

Becky, How are you? How is it going with your back?

Carol, Thoughts and prayers for the 7th.

To all other Indigos..... Kate, Dee, Leah, Ronnie, Susan, Sherry, Betty,Gretchen, Linda, Rhonda, Ivy, and anyone I may have missed......hope all is well, we are here, and we care.

LOVE,

MADDY

P.S.-This fancy Apple computer at school with all the latest bells and whistles sure is fun. Aahhhhhh, add it to my one day wish list

[tobyfreefoot]

super moon in japan. hope everyone gets a beautiful view.

also madelyn is sitting up

[daveydow1]

Maddy-----As parents, we always feel responsible for our children....from the moment they are born, and

on......it's always there. The guilt we feel when our child leaves this world......no matter WHAT the cause,

can be like a 'monkey on your back' . The guilt does subside in time, as someone else said, but it does

have a way of rearing up at times---no matter what point we are on this grief journey. For myself.......after

these nearly 9 years, I have become more accepting of the fact that there wasn't anything I could have

done to prevent David's death. So I believe that it just takes time to 'soften' the sharp blades of guilt that

comes. Please be kind to yourself. ( OH.....that MAC must be fun to try out ). Prayers.

Ivy-----I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your dear son, in such a terrible accident. This being so

very soon for you on this road of grief, the agonizing pain of disbelief and sorrow are so understandable.

Please come back to this site where everyone understands the pain of losing a beloved child way before

their time.

Kate----Sorry that you are in that dark place. The ups & downs and wild rollercoaster of this journey can

put us down and make us almost immobile at times. Good to hear that you are getting out to the nursery

to select plants. The climbing hydrangea sounds just lovely.

Tylersmom-----Sorry to hear of your loss of your dear stepdad. May he rest in peace.

Kathy----Good to see your post. Thanks for the pics of Tav, and Jessica. Tav sure is growing into a

handsome young man.

Carol------Continuing to pray for Mike, you, and the rest of the family as the surgery date is coming up so soon.

Betsy-----I ,so, know the feeling of such regret. As you say, though,.......Rich was a young man with having

health and vitality. How could you have associated those signs as a heart problem in Rich.? Try not to

pull that shroud of guilt down around you, since it was definitely not your fault ........you could not have known.

Now,......I know that it is easier said than done......for sure. But, we all know, here, that if there was ANYTHING

AT ALL that we, could have done to save our dear child's life......we of course would have

done it......anything. A 30- family YARD Sale !!!! How Fun.

Linda----Sorry your're down. Sending thoughts & prayers.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Maddy6]

Colleen, congrats on passing the inspection so stupendously! Very awesome and offering a pat on the back

I like your - my roof, my rules - motto. Now.....if I could just get mine to BELIEVE that when I tell them. See, they are confused and think it is THIER house. No reminders of who pays the bills seems to be effective LOL. Also, thank you for noticing my improvement. I credit this site and the lovely souls, such as yourself, who have faithfully tolerated my ramblings and borderline meltdowns so patiently.~~~~Sherry, Thank you for those wise words about guilt. They hit their mark wiith me today and gave me a glimpse into not only the need to, but the acceptance to begin to release it. I really appreciate what you told me. More than you can imagine. Thank you.~~~~~Betsy, I realized I called your yard sale a garage sale. Wondered if it is called that in other parts of the country? LOL, hope you got some bargains!~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[Maddy6]

1336241755' post='87097']

super moon in japan. hope everyone gets a beautiful view.

also madelyn is sitting up

Gretchen, Gorgeous moon. Thank you! Madelyn is adorable and super cute!!! , another similarity......that's my name. Only spelled with the French spelling. Like the bakery. And btw, where did you get that gorgeous moon pic from?LOVE, MADDY