Loss of an Adult Child

April 7, 2012

Just lots a long post....arrrhhhgggghhhhh :angry: So here is an abrievated version.

To those who are facing the first angelverary, my heart to you. May you feel your angel in some way. May a memory flit across your mind that brings a tear and a smile.

Recently I watched a story of a young man who lost his fight with bowel cancer. He was made "famous" through a YouTube tribute to his wife on her birthday. There was an interview with his widow where they asked her how she was doing. She said she found it getting harder as the reality that he was 'really gone' 'never coming home'. Up till then she had thought he was just away. How true this is...the longer we are on this journey the longer we face that same reality.

Easter, another family time where the sound of Mikes absence is deafening.

He was the early riser when he was a child. He lead the Easter egg hunt, helping his siblings when they were a bit unsteady or unsure of where to look. That spark continued as he grew older. He would hide the eggs for Em's hunt. Watching his smile grow as she neared the 'secret stash', my heart would melt. It still does when I think of him.

Tonight is Saturday night, the Bunny comes tomorrow. How different life is now from back then. Sleep eludes me as it does most nights.

Looking out of my window the silver moon is smiling down at me. My camera and I are still getting to know each other, but I wanted to share my first attempt at a night shoot with you all.

Indigos and the moon.....

This is the orchid Mike Melissa and Steven gave me on my 40th. I finally got brave enough to split it last November. I gleaned 8 plants from the original...5 have bloomed this year.

April 7, 2012

...one hundred days...

April 7, 2012

LILY a name given to the Beauty of YOU.

LILY

we say your name to let Momma hear that melody she longs to hear, once here, always present in our hearts.

Lilly's Mom, holding you in prayer and thought and hope as you find your way through and beyond these firsts to enter the second year. It is difficult in different ways but I have long felt that the first year is the hardest of all. Your Girl is casting her love in many ways upon you.

April 7, 2012

Darlene, all of us that have several years of this road know what it is you are feeling as you look forward...all I can advise is to look at this as the 265th day, the 265th day of the hardest days of your life. Try not to predict how you will feel at 365 days, for each is different but we all know that the anticipation of it can be more difficult than the actual day. There could be some nuggets of gold or silver that you might feel or find in the next 100 days, one never knows. Usually, the anticipation takes on a whole life of its own the month before for many. I am holding you too, in prayer and hope and thought as these steps are your firsts, and yes, the seconds means that there will be thirds, fourths...but there will be light again, and some of that light will be from Ali, given you to find your way. He is proud of His Dear Momma.

Trudi, the orchid is gorgeous. So not only are you a gifted photographer, (love the moon, same one I spoke to last night) but you are a calligrapher, a writer, and a gardener. Plus you are funny as all get out. Loving you as you meander through Easter, seeing the years past through the present events, always bittersweet. I know.

Peace somehow-

April 7, 2012

Lily-beautiful baby girl with a beautiful name, always loved and missed.

Lily's Mommy-My heart to you on this very hard day.

April 7, 2012

Betty-So good to see Stephen and hear that you are taking off some time that you need to. I'm kind of doing the same. Its been a hard couple of weeks and I just don't have much to say. Hugs to you sweet lady.

Trudi-Your pictures are amazing. I know you miss him more than words because that's true of all of us.

Darlene-Counting the days is so hard. Thinking of you as you count them up.

Gretchen-Hope the birthday goes well and you feel Forest's presence at the celebration.

Sarah's Mama-It is so soon that it is probably still hard for you to breathe. I'm hoping that you make it through this holiday, we don't want to, but somehow we have to.

I guess those words to Sarah's Mama are for all of us struggling through another family event without someone we love so much. Thinking of you all

April 7, 2012

Just lots a long post....arrrhhhgggghhhhh So here is an abrievated version.
To those who are facing the first angelverary, my heart to you. May you feel your angel in some way. May a memory flit across your mind that brings a tear and a smile.
Recently I watched a story of a young man who lost his fight with bowel cancer. He was made "famous" through a YouTube tribute to his wife on her birthday. There was an interview with his widow where they asked her how she was doing. She said she found it getting harder as the reality that he was 'really gone' 'never coming home'. Up till then she had thought he was just away. How true this is...the longer we are on this journey the longer we face that same reality.
Easter, another family time where the sound of Mikes absence is deafening.
He was the early riser when he was a child. He lead the Easter egg hunt, helping his siblings when they were a bit unsteady or unsure of where to look. That spark continued as he grew older. He would hide the eggs for Em's hunt. Watching his smile grow as she neared the 'secret stash', my heart would melt. It still does when I think of him.
Tonight is Saturday night, the Bunny comes tomorrow. How different life is now from back then. Sleep eludes me as it does most nights.
Looking out of my window the silver moon is smiling down at me. My camera and I are still getting to know each other, but I wanted to share my first attempt at a night shoot with you all.
Indigos and the moon.....
This is the orchid Mike Melissa and Steven gave me on my 40th. I finally got brave enough to split it last November. I gleaned 8 plants from the original...5 have bloomed this year.

Trudi, thanks for sharing your wonderful photos. The picture of that orchid is amazing. We have to get together at some point and you can give me some pointers on how to grow and nurture orchids. I have never been able to successfully keep one going.

The full moon was brilliant!

Wishing you a lovely day tomorrow.

Kate

April 7, 2012

Havent been lookin forward to this day..Lily..i luv and miss u more than words can express..at first i wanted to do somethin special for her..now i just kinda want everyone to disappear..but today is not about me..its all about rememberin and honorin my little princess..even one year later it seems like i was jus holdin u in my arms yesterday..let your light shine the brightest today babygirl..i love you

LILY A symbol of innocence; purity and beauty.

Lily's Mom...thinking of you on this difficult day and keeping you in my heart and prayers.

Kate

April 7, 2012

Hi Kate, how is the weather up in your part of the world? Ours is warmer today, in the low 60's, which I love. Hope that it is peaceful and a good day for you.

Rhonda, sometimes being quiet is where we find some new kind of the strength to move forward...I hope that you are doing okay and that getting through yet another family kind of day will be more sweet than bitter.

Sara's Mom, It must be very hard to see the young ones missing their Mom while you miss your Daughter...no easy thing about this very hard time. Hold on.

April 7, 2012

Hi Dee, it has been a very hectic day for us. Gimli was just packed with seasonal people returning for the long weekend. Ran some errands and then just relaxed and enjoyed a peaceful cup of tea.

Our weather is just horrible today. It started off promising to clear up with a hint of blue sky. Then it became quite overcast and the wind picked up from the north. The temps plummeted to 5.9C as I write this. Darned chilly. So much for wearing a spring outfit to church tomorrow! Well, at least we didn't get the snow they had in Edmonton and Calgary!

I treated myself to an absolutely stunning Hydrangea plant that is the most brilliant shades of purple blue and and azure blue. It is called Mathilda. Can't wait to plant it in my garden when weather allows!

Hope you are well and have a good day tomorrow. Best wishes to all and keeping you in my thoughts as you make your way through this weekend. Take care.

Kate

April 7, 2012

I haven't forgotten you all, but I can't sit up here at the computer. Something bad wrong with my neck. Can't turn it one way or the other, or up or down. Got like that for a month after Jared died, finally got over it. I have significant arthritis and loss of cushioning between the cervical spine from a very old injury. I couldn't cry without more pain! Bless you all and will get back here as soon as I can.

April 8, 2012

It's been about 5 days since I've checked in, and I have found that I missed 2 very important angel dates:

Dee - I am sorry that I was not here to send birthday wishes for Eri your way. I read your post, and I'm sure that she was with you, as she is every day. It is a wonderful tribute to her that you remember her with a joyful spirit.

Lily's Mom - I missed your sweet girl's angelversary. My hope is that you were able to feel her spirit surrounding you and loving you still.

Well, tomorrow is Easter....our first without Shannon. I picked up a few treats for Ragan today. It felt odd not picking out treats for Shannon. As I was leaving the candy aisle, my eyes landed on Hershey's Cookie-n-Creme candy pieces.....Shannon's favorite candy is Hershey's Cookies-n-Creme, so I bought the bag for her. I'll place them in her room tonight just like I've always done. To many, this may sound silly, but she's still my girl. There is a sunrise service in the morning at the cemetery, so I guess my husband and I will attend and visit with Shannon. Ragan hasn't been to the cemetery since we buried Shannon, so I'm doubting that she will attend. Monday morning she will be speaking at Ghost Out which will be held at the high school she and Shannon attended. This is a program that re-enacts accidents due to distracted or intoxicated driving. The fire chief has promised that she will not have to view videos or the re-enactment of the accident. I am sure it will be a difficult day for us as well as the students in attendance.....it hasn't been that long ago that many of them gathered to say goodbye to their friend. Ragan will be speaking at another area high school later this year, and then every high school in the county next year. I am hoping that her involvement in this outreach and educational program will help her through her grief journey.

I have read the post of so many who are hurting, and my heart aches for each of you. I hold all here close to my heart every day. Prayers that some peace will find you soon.

April 8, 2012

Susan, I am glad that you bought the candy for Shannon. She is smiling. I hope that you will give Ragan an extra hug from me, I am so impressed with her ability to do this work. If she continues doing it, GREAT, if not, what a great thing to try. Her Sis is smiling some more. Jonathan rarely if ever went to the cemetery, and his Dad, Mike, never went after we buried ERi, couldn't. So last fall, when we buried Jon and Eri's Grandmom's ashes at the same cemetery as Eri's space, his cousins from Mass. wanted to visit Eri's grave, Jon could not come with, he left the cemetery. The cousins came with me and visited Erica. It is just too raw to have your sibling there instead of here. For Jon, there remains so much anger and sadness.

Becky, that necks sounds very painful, I have had similar happenings in my life, used to have a neck brace for it. I go to a chiropractor when my lower gets bad adn my neck. My Son has disk issues and was in excruciating pain for a long while, could not move his head, went through long therapy with that. I hope that you get better soon, it is very exhausting to have back and neck issues. Old injuries, me too, and then the stress of all that has happened...go get looked at.

Peace to all on this and each day. As hard as it is to ever think that you will one day feel differently than you do today I promise you that you will. The long road will lead you to a new place and one day you will realize that it is a gentler time. It does take a lot of walking however, and many miles. It is worth the work.

April 8, 2012

Is it normal that I think about and miss Sarah nearly 24/7. I am able to to to work and take care of my husband and grandaughters but I never am not thinking about and missing her. Every morning I wake up and my first thought is that she is gone and I go to sleep thinking about and missing her. It seems as if everything in life reminds me of her

April 8, 2012

Thank you, Dee....and thanks to Kate for her PM. I really appreciate the support.

Sarah's Mama - It is absolutely normal for our children to be prominent in our thoughts. I have described it as having a divided mind. I am going through the motions of functioning, but the other half of my mind is fully focused on Shannon. Actually, it's more like she is at the front of my mind, and what I'm doing is in the back of my mind. Never stops....not even if I fall asleep. She is ever present, whether awake or dreaming. Not sure if this will ever subside.....I kind of hope that it doesn't. My husband has mentioned times that he finds himself not thinking of her or what's happened, and he feels terrible guilt when this happens. He says he feels as though he is forgetting her or betraying her. As for me, I have not had a single moment in which she and what's happened is not forefront in my mind. Prayers for you as you struggle with this pain and heartache.

April 8, 2012

Thank you everyone..it was a hard day but it ended amazin..i spent the day at the cemetery alone..which is what i wanted..as i lay there i saw a bird in the sky..just floatin there for.a while..then disappeared..to my suprise thats the only bird i saw all day..it was a windy afternoon which made it hard to light the lanterns..out of 60 lanterns, 3 actually got lit..the rest wouldnt light up..but my princess is 3 years old now so i guess that was her sign..after the third went up..we got a few drops of rain..then it just stopped..so i know she was watchin..now onto the second year..we will all have a difficult day tomorrow but at least we have each other to understand what we're goin thru..have a blessed night..im goin to attach a link of the 3 lanterns..

April 8, 2012

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-KLir8LABSw%26feature%3Dyoutube_gdata_player&feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=-KLir8LABSw&gl=US

April 8, 2012

Sarah's momma: Yes, as Susan has said, what you are feeling is completely normal for what you are going through. Mike has been gone from this earthly plane for over five years (I still find that as hard to say as it is to believe!), and there is not a day goes by that he is not in our conversation. I do not wake up every morning with that horrible, gut-wrenching thought of "Mike is dead" any longer. But there are still times when it will grab me out of the blue and it is like it was yesterday that we held his hand and told him it was okay for him to go. This child we lost is a part of us, from beginning until forever. They may not be physically with us, here on earth, but they are "with" us forever, until we meet again. It has been mentioned here on BI by other members (I believe it was Bonnie, mom of Jason) that this constant back-thinking is like the background noise in our lives; always, always there, but sometimes just in the background. Another, Betsy, has arrived at the point where she has been able to describe it now as her beautiful Rich being the "background music" in her life. I think it is that whatever stage you are at in your grief, you will find your own terminology. I find that both work for me---painful memories (regrets, times/events that were less than ideal, unnecessary arguments, things not said or done that should have been, etc.), are the background noise, and the beautiful, heart-warming memories (loving words that were said, fulfillments of wishes, witnessing the growing of Mike into a good man and father and husband, as well as watching him grow personally, are the background music.

Susan: I too am impressed with what Ragan is planning to do. It is wonderful that she has the support of her very special mom behind her. I hope you all have a very blessed Easter, and enjoy the day with the very best of sweet memories of your beautiful Shannon to help ease the sorrow of missing her so from this family holiday. My heart to you.

Kate: that is pretty wild weather. Hubby and I were talking about that today with a visitor we had (an old friend from his office). We were telling her about how we narrowly missed getting an assignment (while he was in the Air Force) to Cold Lake, Canada. When we heard where it was located, and how cold it got, etc., (and if I remember correctly, the kids would have to attend a school in another town, Mon thru Fri and come home for the weekend, but I may be confusing that with another place), we truly did not want to go there. Though we had always wanted to see that part of the world, the extreme cold made it fall off of our wish list. We were lucky and blessed enough that we were able to switch the assignment for one in Guam...quite the opposite, weather wise, and likely every other aspect, as well. We spent two years there and it was wonderful. I love it when you describe how beautiful it can be there, especially after a fresh snow (I truly love the snow, especially when it stays clean and serene as it does in the wooded areas), but as we have gotten older, it is more difficult to maneuver through, etc. This winter saw very little snow here in the area, actually only two small storms all winter, after that weird early one October 31st. I have missed it, especially missed being able to snow tube with the boys. Your hydrangea plant sounds wonderful! I finally got one planted two years ago, that was successful. My mom always had one in her yard, and I had wanted one forever, but the couple of times I tried one it did not pan out. This one we had professionally installed and it has thrived. Guess my green thumb does not reach to hydrangeas. This one has done quite well, though, and has given us blooms from the second season on. They are white and turn a beautiful pink hue when the summer wanes. I hope to one day have a blue one planted. This year I am focusing on possibly planting a forsythia. We had beautiful forsythias at our old place, alongside of a huge lilac bush, with another alongside a pink weeping cherry tree, and when they were all in bloom it was an oasis that I loved to come home to! (We lived pretty much in the woods, and it was so serene.) I will have to look for your "Mathilda" and see if I can get one planted. (I just cannot personally do the bending and kneeling any longer that is required for such a task---I still do some flower gardening, but have to be selective and pick things that I can manage.) I would imagine if the "Mathilda" will survive in the cold of your part of the world, it should survive well here. I will have to check at the nursery next month. Do you have a lot of flowers in your yard? Dee has a wonderful garden that her husband helps with (when we met him during our trip to Minnesota, we called him the "Garden Gnome." A truly terrific man!) If I can locate them, I will post a couple of pics of our forsythia and weeping cherry tree. I do miss them so much! (Just for fun, I also posted a pic of Jamie I found while I was looking for the forsythia pics...I love this picture of him...that smile just lights up my heart!

Becky: I too have experienced this terribly painful neck, as you and Dee. Mine started a few months after a lyme-tick bite, even though it had been treated with antibiotics. I had many "after" impacts from that bite, but I think the neck pain was the worst. Three months of intensive, three day a week physical therapy, and it was almost six full months before I could turn my head to the normal range of motion. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, and likely the stress you are under is adding to the terrible pain you are experiencing. I agree with Dee, likely a doctor's visit would be helpful, and likely necessary at this point.

Trudi: loved your story of Mike's leading his little sister and brother to the goodies! So cute. Good memories for you. Do Melissa and Steven do the same with their kids? Did they come for a visit on Sunday? We never had the tradition of hiding the kids' baskets; they were just placed beside their beds for when they woke up. I guess it is all in what you grow up with yourself, and that is the way I had it in my family when I was a child. We did have "treasure hunts" for other times, though, especially birthdays. We would have "hint cards" planted throughout the house, with clues to the next "hint card," until the final one led you to your gift. The cards were usually riddles that had to be solved in order to find the next one. The kids really enjoyed them. I remember one time, getting a gold Air Force ring for hubby one year for his birthday. I remember that his last card read "You'll have to go fishing for what you've been wishing!" It took him quite a while to figure out what it was referring to, and if I remember correctly, it was the kids who figured it out. We had a fish tank in our living room, and the ring was tied to a string, and was sitting in the water, on the bottom of the fish tank. Another time, we sent young Mike on a treasure hunt for a guitar and he just about exploded when he found it...I have a picture of him when he opened the closet door where it was hidden. As the kids got older, they took part in the creation of the "hint cards" for whomever the hunt was being held for, and we really enjoyed it all around. And your picture of the moon...awesome. I think that camera had your name on it from the day it was put together in the factory..."Take me to Trudi; she will know exactly what to do with me from the very start." As Dee said about her viewing that moon, it was the same big moon that Mike and I were looking at on our way home from church. And the orchid...oh, just beautiful. The picture was so great, I almost could feel the flower through the picture!

Easter is past now in your part of the world...I hope all went well and you were able to allow the sweet memories to carry you through the day. Cathi, Jamie, and Kameron, along with his mom, Karen, will be coming tomorrow for dinner. Karen and Mike had a very special friendship that never should have escalated to a boy/girl thing...they were not compatible in that department of love. They were, though, very close, and once they realized that they made better friends than lovers, they got along fine, and remained close friends always. Of course, had they not tried the "lovers" part, we wouldn't have Kameron so, as we've all said before, usually things that are meant to happen, happen, and luckily with this happening, it turned into joy. Anyway, they will be here tomorrow for dinner with us, and it should be a good day. After dinner, we are planning to watch the DVD we had made of all of our earlier home movies (from Kim's age of about 1, up through Mike's age of about 8, and all in between). It should be fun. I am sure that tears will flow, but good memories usually bring heartwarming tears, don't they?

I used to put out a display of stuffed bunnies and a couple of ducks around the living room for Easter. One of the ducks had a voice box inside, and when you patted its head, it would honk, in the form of a tune, such as "Old MacDonald Had a Farm." Each time you would pat the head, it would honk another note. I didn't acquire this particular part of my display until Mike was in his early teens, and he absolutely hated that duck! (though I am sure that if he were to the one who brought it home, he would have felt differently...it was just his cup of tea for teasing someone with) He would groan when he would see me bring it out each year. Over the years, he came up with more and more creative ways of "making it disappear." One year, I could not find it at all. I found it one day after Easter, when I was down in the basement doing laundry...I happened to look up, and there it was, hidden in the rafters!

Sonya, Lily'smommy:: I too hope that you were able to feel your sweet child's spirit about you and felt comforted by the precious memories you have of her beautiful life. The three lanterns...of course, your Lily was right there with you.

Betsy: are you spending time with Sarah over Easter? Perhaps if you are in New York with her, you might catch the "Easter Parade." That is, if they still do that...I will have to look it up to see if they do. Used to be quite the thing, back in the day.

Rhonda: thinking of you. How are things going at home? Is CJ still living in the house that you and your husband made available to him? I hope that he is still doing well. I too hope that this holiday will be more sweet than bitter for you.

Betty: Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are able to get out more, now that some spring days are making their presence known. Could you post the link to your live-cams...I would love to watch them.

Sarah's mom: I am so sorry that you are witnessing the pain of the little ones missing their mom, and your heart is broken over missing their mom as well, your sweet daughter. I am glad, though that you can be there for them, and share memories of their mom with them. In time, those times will bring more peace to your heart as well as theirs, and the sweet memories that you share with them will help their hearts to heal, as well as your own. As Dee said, hang on, things will get softer over time. It is painful to go through these hard times, but we are here for you, always. I felt that pain and anguish with Mike's older boys (his baby was only 18 months when Mike died, and does not remember him). They were pretty "stoic" for the first couple of months, (they were 8 and 9 at the time) but at Christmas (two months after Mike died), they spent the night here the night before Christmas eve, and Sarah (Mike's wife) brought Damon over they stayed the night as well. The next day, while opening their presents (their dad had left one for each of them), the middle boy, Kameron started to cry softly, and then came over to me and leaned into my shoulder, with body shaking sobs, until he just finally broke down and let the sounds and the tears come. His older brother soon joined him, and I sat there on the floor, with them on each side of me, circling them with my arms, and let them cry until their heartbreaking sounds slowed down, and they exhausted themselves into silence. We sat there a bit longer, and then we talked about their dad a bit, and they rejoined everyone by the tree. The rest of the day went well; they were more relaxed, and felt able to talk about their dad and their memories a little easier. They both cherished the Christmas before, when they all spent Christmas with their dad and Sarah and Damon, in Mike and Sarah's house, for the first time ever, together. Mike had remarried in November the previous year, and lived with us that first Christmas. Then, the next Christmas (Mike's last) he and Sarah and Damon (their baby) had their own place, and so the boys could come and stay for Christmas with them. If I remember right, Christmas that year fell on a Sunday, so they had the whole weekend together. Kameron has often said that is the best Christmas he had ever had and would "remember it all his life." They treasure the pictures of that time.

Gretchen: How did the birthday go? I hope that you were able to find some peace-filled moments to calm your heart.

Diane: thinking of you.

We got wonderful news today. Jamie, Cathi's youngest, was chosen today at tryouts for the new baseball team this summer. He is 13, and that is kind of an "interim year" for the boys his age. Too old for little league, and pretty much too young physically for the step up to the Babe Ruth league, so they often get left behind for that year. They have to compete against older boys (the league consists of 13 to 15 year olds), and usually the older boys get the slots that are open because, of course, being older, they have played longer and can play better. Jamie was heartbroken thinking that he might not get to play this year.

He understood that that is the way it goes and realizes that life is not always fair, but he is so passionate about playing that we knew he would be terribly disappointed if he was not selected. Well, it seems that they wound up having enough boys for two teams, so instead of 19 boys trying out for only 12 slots on the one expected team roster, two teams meant there were more slots to fill, so more boys were chosen and he was one of them. He was pretty excited about it and we are so happy for him. He has been having a difficult time lately (I think I had written about his having problems with schoolwork, and they finally created a one-on-one plan for him and that has helped a lot) at school and also at his dad's house. His dad and his dad's girlfriend broke up (He'd been living with her for over two years, after dating for almost three) and his dad left. His dad is now in transition of looking for another apartment, and there is no permanent aspect to his living situation. The girlfriend has a son Jamie's age, (one year older than Jamie) and after some initial normal rivalry type problems from Jamie being there more frequently, even staying overnight on some weekends, they had become close over time and Jamie considered him his "stepbrother." Jamie unfortunately witnessed some of the at times hateful arguments his dad and the girlfriend had before they finally decided to go their separate ways, and then when they finally broke up, Jamie felt so confused and lost regarding the relationships he had established with the girlfriend and with her son. He is still friends with the son, as they go to the same school and play sports together, but the animosity between the girlfriend and his dad does not allow for any visiting plans for the boys, at least not for now. So, this accomplishment with the baseball team is going a long way towards helping him to cope with the other aspects of the disruption to his life that the breakup has caused. As we all know, kids can be so very affected by disruptive and sad changes in their lives, especially the change of losing someone from their life who was a big part of it. Sp, this day was a great day for Jamie and of course, thus, for us.

Well, I guess I will try to get some sleep. My computer has been driving me crazy since we got it back, and early yesterday (Friday) my email quit working. I couldn't send or receive. It kept asking me for the computer password, which I had no idea what it might be and the ones I tried were incorrect. It was really odd, because when the notice would come up to enter the information, the information was already there, including the encrypted password. But, it just would not accept it. Unfortunately, my computer guy was off for the weekend. But, in the evening, hubby tried to access our email through his iPhone and it allowed him to change the password (I wasn't even given that option on the pc, just kept denying me access), and we finally were able to get into the email. It had really frustrated me because I had spent so much time getting the computer back to normal after the repair, and now this email unsolvable problem was taking my last nerve. I had called comcast, but they couldn't help. They said it was a computer issue and I would have to resolve it with a computer tech. Comcast is very, very good at taking your money and lots of it, but when it comes to providing service or help, not so much. They used to offer 24 hour technical assistance but have changed that to "purchasing a maintenance service" that runs anywhere from $25 to $75 a month, in addition to the week's salary they already charge for the internet and TV. So, overall, it's been a very frustrating week in that regard, and I think it is finally wearing me down to a sleep state. The resolution of the issue has given me great relief, and I no longer want to pitch the PC out the window. At least for now, anyway...

I wish all of you peace over this weekend, and pray that you will find some sweet, loving memories to engage your mind and to fill your heart. The days spent with your beautiful child will always be in your heart, and though for some the pain is so new and raw right now that the bitter outweighs the sweet more often than not, there will come a time when the sweet will truly outweigh the bitter and you will find softer steps through this journey. My love to all, and as always, you are all in my prayers.

April 8, 2012

Our beautiful daughter, Cathi, posted this on her facebook today, in honor of Easter, and wishing everyone peace for this day.

"My 31 year old brother Mike believed & had faith in God through his battle with brain cancer. The battle lasted 2 years. Still he had faith. Since his passing, I've seen miracles to blow the agnostic mind. How could I ever disrespect him with doubts? Happy Easter, peace."

Cathi, with Mike when he was 3 and she was 11, on Guam..pic is little blurry....the shirt Mike has on is one that I had made for him. He just loved his little "Guam" shirt! The other pic is Cathi with her Jamie, and Mike with his two older boys, when they were just little tykes... the next one is Cathi, when we were in Texas. This pic is also blurry, but I just had to share it anyway

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Sorry for the long posts, everyone. I got started and my fingers and my brain just wouldn't stop! :unsure:

April 8, 2012

Is it normal that I think about and miss Sarah nearly 24/7. I am able to to to work and take care of my husband and grandaughters but I never am not thinking about and missing her. Every morning I wake up and my first thought is that she is gone and I go to sleep thinking about and missing her. It seems as if everything in life reminds me of her

Sandra ~ I think its safe to say that for my first 3yrs my day began with thoughts of Mike and ended the same. The verosity of my pain and tears lessened, softened if you will.

Mikes being gone still does underscore my life. So much relates to him. When you think of it, so much we do in our lives links us to our kids, here or not.

My psych once said I 'presented well'. I functioned in a 'normal' way 'playing' the roles of wife, mother, grandmother. But the fractures were there.

Carol ~ I'm so loving seeing Mike with those locks of dark hair. Wonderful memories.

Our family Easter began Saturday. With Melissa just out of surgery we were prompted to visit earlier than anticipated. She has had a reaction to the adhesives used after surgery. Blistering around her ankle wound causing some discomfort. It amazing how much like the little girl I remember she becomes when she's in pain and tired....

This morning my step sons arrived around 10am for Easter buns and eggs. They're not much on 'planning'. We did get one days notice from the eldest. After an hour it was enough for me. 'An intact family' moment is something I struggle with. The eldest decided we should have 'brunch' and headed out to get supplies. After 3hrs they finally went.

This afternoon I went to my youngests. His partner had morning tea for her family before heading out the door for work just before we arrived.

Tonight I'm working on my itinary for my upcoming trip. I am heading around the world to family. Its a family bond that was forged 5yrs ago and strengthened in 2009 when I got to meet them personally.

There is a heaviness in my heart tonight...like Carol says, there are times when it grabs me out of the blue, tonight is one of those times.

I am off now to break with the 'healthy' eating and devour some much missed chocolate

April 8, 2012

Sarah's Mom, it is inevitable to be consumed with your Girl day and night. There is no other way at this stage in grief. And as Susan pointed out, sometimes when we find we are not consumed, when one day we find we were not tearful or not filled with anxiety, we feel guilty, which is also a stage in our grief. We get through our stages in our own time, but I needed guidance in mine beyond this wonderful place. I went to thearpy to help me understand my stages and to help me through subsequent PTSD. I would have still gone through the stages of grief, but my hope was to better understand them and to learn how to handle being stuck at times. You will be in this 24/7 mode for as long as your soul and spirit need to be, just remember to be kind to yourself and to understand that your body and mind work together, so don't ignore your physical needs.

Lily's Mom, I am glad that you spent the day as you chose. Three lanterns seems a message from your Angel to me.

Trudi, hoping that the chocolate was worth its weight in deliciousness. I love that you are planning your visit!!! I am selfish that way.

Carol, what a wonderful post, so filled with news. I hope the computer behaves from here on out. I love the photos and that Jamie smile is priceless. Great news of his getting on that team, he has baseball in his genes. I loved when my kids played baseball, both on teams from the time they were about 8 until about 13. I just loved going to those games and watching them be part of a team. Thanks for sharing what Cathi wrote about faith.

I am going out soon for a walk and commune with the powers that be and our Angels. I keep praying for ways for our leaders and our people to help cities and other areas too that are plagued by violence. Each weekend the toll is reported like the weather and I am aghast at the numbers. So it is on this day, that I ask that special prayer and put forth extra hope that somehow, as a people, we are able to infuse our peace across the lands and insist on the freedom of being safe no matter where one lives.

Amen

April 8, 2012

Good Morning Indigos

Carol Beautiful touching memories and such a sweet picture. I ready loved what Cathi posted to Face Book about Faith I must agree 100% As requested here are 3 of the nests that I visit The favorite is the Eagle nest with 3 little eaglets growing and thriving.

lhttp://www.allaboutbirds.org/page.aspx?pid=2433

http://www.livestream.com/nytnestcam

http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles

Trudi I too enjoyed your touching re memories of Mike showing his sister how to search for candy. Loved you pictures as well

Rhonda Westley handsome face touches my spirit each time I see and read about him. I understand how you feel

Dee Thank you for your kind and gentle spirit You are an inspiration

Kate, Becky, Betsy, Lorri, Lori Colleen, Leah, Sue Amy, Susan, Diane and all Indigos, I pray you have a Blessed Day filled with precious memories of your special Angel.

April 8, 2012

Good Morning Indigos
Carol Beautiful touching memories and such a sweet picture. I ready loved what Cathi posted to Face Book about Faith I must agree 100% As requested here are 3 of the nests that I visit The favorite is the Eagle nest with 3 little eaglets growing and thriving.
lhttp://www.allaboutbirds.org/page.aspx?pid=2433
http://www.livestream.com/nytnestcam
http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles
Trudi I too enjoyed your touching re memories of Mike showing his sister how to search for candy. Loved you pictures as well
Rhonda Westley handsome face touches my spirit each time I see and read about him. I understand how you feel
Dee Thank you for your kind and gentle spirit You are an inspiration
Kate, Becky, Betsy, Lorri, Lori Colleen, Leah, Sue Amy, Susan, Diane and all Indigos, I pray you have a Blessed Day filled with precious memories of your special Angel.

Betty, check out google on Hecla Island. It is approximately an hours drive north of our home. They hold an Eagle Fest every October to celebrate the migration of the Bald Eagle. There are thousands of them. And it is an amazing bird sanctuary. We usually try to go up there about twice a summer to hike the trails and view the wildlife. Beautiful spot.

Thanks for sharing your pictures! Hope you are having a good day.

Kate

April 8, 2012

Sarah's momma: Yes, as Susan has said, what you are feeling is completely normal for what you are going through. Mike has been gone from this earthly plane for over five years (I still find that as hard to say as it is to believe!), and there is not a day goes by that he is not in our conversation. I do not wake up every morning with that horrible, gut-wrenching thought of "Mike is dead" any longer. But there are still times when it will grab me out of the blue and it is like it was yesterday that we held his hand and told him it was okay for him to go. This child we lost is a part of us, from beginning until forever. They may not be physically with us, here on earth, but they are "with" us forever, until we meet again. It has been mentioned here on BI by other members (I believe it was Bonnie, mom of Jason) that this constant back-thinking is like the background noise in our lives; always, always there, but sometimes just in the background. Another, Betsy, has arrived at the point where she has been able to describe it now as her beautiful Rich being the "background music" in her life. I think it is that whatever stage you are at in your grief, you will find your own terminology. I find that both work for me---painful memories (regrets, times/events that were less than ideal, unnecessary arguments, things not said or done that should have been, etc.), are the background noise, and the beautiful, heart-warming memories (loving words that were said, fulfillments of wishes, witnessing the growing of Mike into a good man and father and husband, as well as watching him grow personally, are the background music.
Susan: I too am impressed with what Ragan is planning to do. It is wonderful that she has the support of her very special mom behind her. I hope you all have a very blessed Easter, and enjoy the day with the very best of sweet memories of your beautiful Shannon to help ease the sorrow of missing her so from this family holiday. My heart to you.
Kate: that is pretty wild weather. Hubby and I were talking about that today with a visitor we had (an old friend from his office). We were telling her about how we narrowly missed getting an assignment (while he was in the Air Force) to Cold Lake, Canada. When we heard where it was located, and how cold it got, etc., (and if I remember correctly, the kids would have to attend a school in another town, Mon thru Fri and come home for the weekend, but I may be confusing that with another place), we truly did not want to go there. Though we had always wanted to see that part of the world, the extreme cold made it fall off of our wish list. We were lucky and blessed enough that we were able to switch the assignment for one in Guam...quite the opposite, weather wise, and likely every other aspect, as well. We spent two years there and it was wonderful. I love it when you describe how beautiful it can be there, especially after a fresh snow (I truly love the snow, especially when it stays clean and serene as it does in the wooded areas), but as we have gotten older, it is more difficult to maneuver through, etc. This winter saw very little snow here in the area, actually only two small storms all winter, after that weird early one October 31st. I have missed it, especially missed being able to snow tube with the boys. Your hydrangea plant sounds wonderful! I finally got one planted two years ago, that was successful. My mom always had one in her yard, and I had wanted one forever, but the couple of times I tried one it did not pan out. This one we had professionally installed and it has thrived. Guess my green thumb does not reach to hydrangeas. This one has done quite well, though, and has given us blooms from the second season on. They are white and turn a beautiful pink hue when the summer wanes. I hope to one day have a blue one planted. This year I am focusing on possibly planting a forsythia. We had beautiful forsythias at our old place, alongside of a huge lilac bush, with another alongside a pink weeping cherry tree, and when they were all in bloom it was an oasis that I loved to come home to! (We lived pretty much in the woods, and it was so serene.) I will have to look for your "Mathilda" and see if I can get one planted. (I just cannot personally do the bending and kneeling any longer that is required for such a task---I still do some flower gardening, but have to be selective and pick things that I can manage.) I would imagine if the "Mathilda" will survive in the cold of your part of the world, it should survive well here. I will have to check at the nursery next month. Do you have a lot of flowers in your yard? Dee has a wonderful garden that her husband helps with (when we met him during our trip to Minnesota, we called him the "Garden Gnome." A truly terrific man!) If I can locate them, I will post a couple of pics of our forsythia and weeping cherry tree. I do miss them so much! (Just for fun, I also posted a pic of Jamie I found while I was looking for the forsythia pics...I love this picture of him...that smile just lights up my heart!

Becky: I too have experienced this terribly painful neck, as you and Dee. Mine started a few months after a lyme-tick bite, even though it had been treated with antibiotics. I had many "after" impacts from that bite, but I think the neck pain was the worst. Three months of intensive, three day a week physical therapy, and it was almost six full months before I could turn my head to the normal range of motion. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, and likely the stress you are under is adding to the terrible pain you are experiencing. I agree with Dee, likely a doctor's visit would be helpful, and likely necessary at this point.
Trudi: loved your story of Mike's leading his little sister and brother to the goodies! So cute. Good memories for you. Do Melissa and Steven do the same with their kids? Did they come for a visit on Sunday? We never had the tradition of hiding the kids' baskets; they were just placed beside their beds for when they woke up. I guess it is all in what you grow up with yourself, and that is the way I had it in my family when I was a child. We did have "treasure hunts" for other times, though, especially birthdays. We would have "hint cards" planted throughout the house, with clues to the next "hint card," until the final one led you to your gift. The cards were usually riddles that had to be solved in order to find the next one. The kids really enjoyed them. I remember one time, getting a gold Air Force ring for hubby one year for his birthday. I remember that his last card read "You'll have to go fishing for what you've been wishing!" It took him quite a while to figure out what it was referring to, and if I remember correctly, it was the kids who figured it out. We had a fish tank in our living room, and the ring was tied to a string, and was sitting in the water, on the bottom of the fish tank. Another time, we sent young Mike on a treasure hunt for a guitar and he just about exploded when he found it...I have a picture of him when he opened the closet door where it was hidden. As the kids got older, they took part in the creation of the "hint cards" for whomever the hunt was being held for, and we really enjoyed it all around. And your picture of the moon...awesome. I think that camera had your name on it from the day it was put together in the factory..."Take me to Trudi; she will know exactly what to do with me from the very start." As Dee said about her viewing that moon, it was the same big moon that Mike and I were looking at on our way home from church. And the orchid...oh, just beautiful. The picture was so great, I almost could feel the flower through the picture!
Easter is past now in your part of the world...I hope all went well and you were able to allow the sweet memories to carry you through the day. Cathi, Jamie, and Kameron, along with his mom, Karen, will be coming tomorrow for dinner. Karen and Mike had a very special friendship that never should have escalated to a boy/girl thing...they were not compatible in that department of love. They were, though, very close, and once they realized that they made better friends than lovers, they got along fine, and remained close friends always. Of course, had they not tried the "lovers" part, we wouldn't have Kameron so, as we've all said before, usually things that are meant to happen, happen, and luckily with this happening, it turned into joy. Anyway, they will be here tomorrow for dinner with us, and it should be a good day. After dinner, we are planning to watch the DVD we had made of all of our earlier home movies (from Kim's age of about 1, up through Mike's age of about 8, and all in between). It should be fun. I am sure that tears will flow, but good memories usually bring heartwarming tears, don't they?
I used to put out a display of stuffed bunnies and a couple of ducks around the living room for Easter. One of the ducks had a voice box inside, and when you patted its head, it would honk, in the form of a tune, such as "Old MacDonald Had a Farm." Each time you would pat the head, it would honk another note. I didn't acquire this particular part of my display until Mike was in his early teens, and he absolutely hated that duck! (though I am sure that if he were to the one who brought it home, he would have felt differently...it was just his cup of tea for teasing someone with) He would groan when he would see me bring it out each year. Over the years, he came up with more and more creative ways of "making it disappear." One year, I could not find it at all. I found it one day after Easter, when I was down in the basement doing laundry...I happened to look up, and there it was, hidden in the rafters!
Sonya, Lily'smommy:: I too hope that you were able to feel your sweet child's spirit about you and felt comforted by the precious memories you have of her beautiful life. The three lanterns...of course, your Lily was right there with you.
Betsy: are you spending time with Sarah over Easter? Perhaps if you are in New York with her, you might catch the "Easter Parade." That is, if they still do that...I will have to look it up to see if they do. Used to be quite the thing, back in the day.
Rhonda: thinking of you. How are things going at home? Is CJ still living in the house that you and your husband made available to him? I hope that he is still doing well. I too hope that this holiday will be more sweet than bitter for you.
Betty: Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are able to get out more, now that some spring days are making their presence known. Could you post the link to your live-cams...I would love to watch them.
Sarah's mom: I am so sorry that you are witnessing the pain of the little ones missing their mom, and your heart is broken over missing their mom as well, your sweet daughter. I am glad, though that you can be there for them, and share memories of their mom with them. In time, those times will bring more peace to your heart as well as theirs, and the sweet memories that you share with them will help their hearts to heal, as well as your own. As Dee said, hang on, things will get softer over time. It is painful to go through these hard times, but we are here for you, always. I felt that pain and anguish with Mike's older boys (his baby was only 18 months when Mike died, and does not remember him). They were pretty "stoic" for the first couple of months, (they were 8 and 9 at the time) but at Christmas (two months after Mike died), they spent the night here the night before Christmas eve, and Sarah (Mike's wife) brought Damon over they stayed the night as well. The next day, while opening their presents (their dad had left one for each of them), the middle boy, Kameron started to cry softly, and then came over to me and leaned into my shoulder, with body shaking sobs, until he just finally broke down and let the sounds and the tears come. His older brother soon joined him, and I sat there on the floor, with them on each side of me, circling them with my arms, and let them cry until their heartbreaking sounds slowed down, and they exhausted themselves into silence. We sat there a bit longer, and then we talked about their dad a bit, and they rejoined everyone by the tree. The rest of the day went well; they were more relaxed, and felt able to talk about their dad and their memories a little easier. They both cherished the Christmas before, when they all spent Christmas with their dad and Sarah and Damon, in Mike and Sarah's house, for the first time ever, together. Mike had remarried in November the previous year, and lived with us that first Christmas. Then, the next Christmas (Mike's last) he and Sarah and Damon (their baby) had their own place, and so the boys could come and stay for Christmas with them. If I remember right, Christmas that year fell on a Sunday, so they had the whole weekend together. Kameron has often said that is the best Christmas he had ever had and would "remember it all his life." They treasure the pictures of that time.
Gretchen: How did the birthday go? I hope that you were able to find some peace-filled moments to calm your heart.
Diane: thinking of you.
We got wonderful news today. Jamie, Cathi's youngest, was chosen today at tryouts for the new baseball team this summer. He is 13, and that is kind of an "interim year" for the boys his age. Too old for little league, and pretty much too young physically for the step up to the Babe Ruth league, so they often get left behind for that year. They have to compete against older boys (the league consists of 13 to 15 year olds), and usually the older boys get the slots that are open because, of course, being older, they have played longer and can play better. Jamie was heartbroken thinking that he might not get to play this year.
He understood that that is the way it goes and realizes that life is not always fair, but he is so passionate about playing that we knew he would be terribly disappointed if he was not selected. Well, it seems that they wound up having enough boys for two teams, so instead of 19 boys trying out for only 12 slots on the one expected team roster, two teams meant there were more slots to fill, so more boys were chosen and he was one of them. He was pretty excited about it and we are so happy for him. He has been having a difficult time lately (I think I had written about his having problems with schoolwork, and they finally created a one-on-one plan for him and that has helped a lot) at school and also at his dad's house. His dad and his dad's girlfriend broke up (He'd been living with her for over two years, after dating for almost three) and his dad left. His dad is now in transition of looking for another apartment, and there is no permanent aspect to his living situation. The girlfriend has a son Jamie's age, (one year older than Jamie) and after some initial normal rivalry type problems from Jamie being there more frequently, even staying overnight on some weekends, they had become close over time and Jamie considered him his "stepbrother." Jamie unfortunately witnessed some of the at times hateful arguments his dad and the girlfriend had before they finally decided to go their separate ways, and then when they finally broke up, Jamie felt so confused and lost regarding the relationships he had established with the girlfriend and with her son. He is still friends with the son, as they go to the same school and play sports together, but the animosity between the girlfriend and his dad does not allow for any visiting plans for the boys, at least not for now. So, this accomplishment with the baseball team is going a long way towards helping him to cope with the other aspects of the disruption to his life that the breakup has caused. As we all know, kids can be so very affected by disruptive and sad changes in their lives, especially the change of losing someone from their life who was a big part of it. Sp, this day was a great day for Jamie and of course, thus, for us.
Well, I guess I will try to get some sleep. My computer has been driving me crazy since we got it back, and early yesterday (Friday) my email quit working. I couldn't send or receive. It kept asking me for the computer password, which I had no idea what it might be and the ones I tried were incorrect. It was really odd, because when the notice would come up to enter the information, the information was already there, including the encrypted password. But, it just would not accept it. Unfortunately, my computer guy was off for the weekend. But, in the evening, hubby tried to access our email through his iPhone and it allowed him to change the password (I wasn't even given that option on the pc, just kept denying me access), and we finally were able to get into the email. It had really frustrated me because I had spent so much time getting the computer back to normal after the repair, and now this email unsolvable problem was taking my last nerve. I had called comcast, but they couldn't help. They said it was a computer issue and I would have to resolve it with a computer tech. Comcast is very, very good at taking your money and lots of it, but when it comes to providing service or help, not so much. They used to offer 24 hour technical assistance but have changed that to "purchasing a maintenance service" that runs anywhere from $25 to $75 a month, in addition to the week's salary they already charge for the internet and TV. So, overall, it's been a very frustrating week in that regard, and I think it is finally wearing me down to a sleep state. The resolution of the issue has given me great relief, and I no longer want to pitch the PC out the window. At least for now, anyway...
I wish all of you peace over this weekend, and pray that you will find some sweet, loving memories to engage your mind and to fill your heart. The days spent with your beautiful child will always be in your heart, and though for some the pain is so new and raw right now that the bitter outweighs the sweet more often than not, there will come a time when the sweet will truly outweigh the bitter and you will find softer steps through this journey. My love to all, and as always, you are all in my prayers.

Carol, Happy Easter you and Mike/Ralph. I enjoyed reading your post this morning. I have to say that your Jamie is a dead ringer for my son Jamie! Our older son when he was a boy had the same mischievous smile and red hair to boot! Got to love that smile!

Sounds like you made the right decision to go to Guam, as far as the weather is concerned. Cold Lake is quite a bit further north and east of Edmonton. Approximately 300 miles... on the Alberta/Saskatchewan border. It is approximately 1300 km from where we live. We are situated on Lake Winnipeg. The small town outside of where we live is called Gimli. It was orginally settled by the Icelanders and is called New Iceland. It has become a thriving community of what was once seasonal cottage owners to now many permanent developments that are popping up for retirees. There are many lovely golf courses, sailing, and nature trails through a huge provincial park area. Our summer weather is usually amazing and we enjoy long hot summer days.

Yes, I love to garden. I find it very therapeutic and peaceful. I loved the pictures of your trees and shrubs. Just stunning! We have many spruce, oak,ash,fruit, aspen and dogwood. I plant perrenial and annual flowers, but as you can tell, our season is short. I am more inclined lately to have many hanging pots that are easier for me to water. I have to also be careful of what I plant because the deer love to eat certain flowers. Another Hydrangea that you may like to scout out is called Endless Summer. Depending on the ph level of the soil you can actually control the colour of the blossom. As in pink or bright blue. I also have limelight. An almost lime green colour. Very nice as well. They all dry out beautifully and can be kept indoors all winter in a vase. Just lovely.

Dee...I agree with you about world peace. We had another two murders in the city this past week. I hope your day finds you enjoying the bird watching and scouting interesting pictures. Enjoy!

To everyone else. I am thinking of you and hope you are doing ok. Have a good day.

Kate

April 8, 2012

Hoping that everyone is getting through this holiday and finding some joy, or comfort or peacefulness. The sunrise service at the cemetery was difficult.....just couldn't believe I was at a cemetery instead of at home waiting for the girls to get up and compare their Easter surprises. Many tears flowed, and my soul was in torment. It was a beautiful sunrise, but it's beauty was marred by my sorrow. My husband and I were asked to participate in the releasing of the doves. The sounds they made were lovely, and it was a strange mixture of emotions that went through me as I watched them soar and circle several times before heading to their home. I suppose that I was imaging the freedom of Shannon's spirit soaring with them, and wishing that I could join them in flight.....it would be so nice if my spirit could soar with Shannon's.....I so long to be where she is.....just to be with her. This journey would be so much easier to bear if I could reconnect in spirit with her sometimes....just relish in the love we shared and the sweetness of her spirit. God, I miss my girl.

Ragan was pleased with her treats....healthier candy than the norm. Skinny Cow candies and chocolate rice cakes. She posted on twitter: My momma got me rice cakes and skinny cow treats for Easter she's the bestest. She didn't go to the sunrise service, and that's okay. She needed a lot of hugs and kisses this morning, and I understood that she was missing her baby sister. She went to church, and then on to a family dinner with her boyfriend. Glad she has someone to include her in his family holiday functions. He and his family have been a wonderful support for her since Shannon's passing. I am so thankful that she has good friends who love and care for her.

Thinking of each of you and all our angels.

April 9, 2012

Blessed Easter to all of you wonderful indigos. I know we all have special places we go in our hearts on Holidays to remember our children, and the emotions that live there are unlike any others. Here is something to help. It has helped me today.

Love, Cindy (Dylan"s mom)

http://youtu.be/HKnxmkOAj88

April 9, 2012

Here is a video I made with the only movies we have of my Dad. He is the guy with black hair and glasses.It was probably 1955. He died in 1960. The pretty lady in the candy cane looking dress is my Mom.

I know my Pop was waiting when Brian arrived. That is a good thing. Anyway I like to share this with my friends and all of you here are my friends.I spent many a sleepless night here trying to save my sanity.

April 9, 2012

Blessed Easter to all of you wonderful indigos. I know we all have special places we go in our hearts on Holidays to remember our children, and the emotions that live there are unlike any others. Here is something to help. It has helped me today.
Love, Cindy (Dylan"s mom)
http://youtu.be/HKnxmkOAj88

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April 9, 2012

Blessed Easter to all of you wonderful indigos. I know we all have special places we go in our hearts on Holidays to remember our children, and the emotions that live there are unlike any others. Here is something to help. It has helped me today.
Love, Cindy (Dylan"s mom)
http://youtu.be/HKnxmkOAj88

this is such a beautiful version of this song. are you aware that the talented young man singing, jeff buckley drowned in the wolf river at the age of thirty? my heart was so sad for his mother now here i stand with a dead 28 year old son myself. i remember forest helping me find videos of him. thanks for sharing it.

April 9, 2012

those who asked about my son logan's birthday-i guess it was ok. we did sing and give him a couple gifts. we played a game i bought him. he just wanted to be alone for most of it. he listened to a jules verne book on his phone while we went to dye eggs and have dinner with family friends. he didn't want to go. today he went with us for easter at friends. here is a picture of him with two little girls he didn't know that cuddled right up to him (the other boy is my youngest, marshall) and another with my granddaughter. he is so loving but i worry so because he is reclusive and now that he has graduated he is living with his sister, her husband and baby and just drinks. he lived with forest and his girlfriend when they died. he isn't doing very well now that he isn't distracted by school. other than that we did have dinner with long time family friends that 3 of their children are gone right now to the military so it wasn't just forest missing, that helped. hope all of you found some peace somewhere in your day.

April 9, 2012

Hello Indigo’s, I really needed to get away and take a break from the daily grind so last week I set out on a road trip. Here is a link to some pictures I took if you care to visit . I missed an exit right after I entered Delaware. Just cruising down the road with the radio on and next thing I know, I can't get back along the coast road as easily as I would have liked. I skirted Washington, DC and due to a traffic jam somewhere in Virginia, I took an exit and followed Historic Route 1. ( Rt 1 near home is really the last road I would take),but, this Rt 1 was great. I went past Quantico, Va and also in the pic a replica of Iwo Jima.

Getting tired I finally pulled over in Williamsburg, VA. A great place to visit. I must go back! On to Virginia Beach. ( I left a day before the jet crashed and thank goodness everyone is ok)

I drove to Chincoteague Island , Va. .$12.00 on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge and Tunnel. Over and under! There I walked along trails at the National Wildlife Refuge. Up a trail to the Assateague Light House at the National Seashore. It is in operation. I even went in the ocean up to my knees and boy was it cold!

Gone for just 4 days and saw much. I even said hello to Nicks dad,via FB, as I drove on down the highway.

So, I am tired but in a good way.

Carol, thank you for asking of Sarah. She came back “home” and we enjoyed a great Easter Day together. We enjoyed a great dinner in the town of Lahaska, PA.

Rhonda, Pecan pie was a choice for dessert, I had a small piece and Sarah and I spoke of Rich. Sometimes that is still hard to do with her. Or I am not reading her body language correctly.

Everyone, Rich loved Pecan pie. He loved the little pies in the little pie tins but I can't seem to find them anymore.

ERICA ERICA ERICA, another Taurus the bull. Heavenly Happy Birthday !!

I think of you all and all of our angels. I was feeling very low and needed to pull myself back up. Lots of reasons and during this low period I found that missing Rich in our life,lives, started to take me more than a few steps back.

I'm sorry if I missed any angelversaries or birthdays. A wish for a peaceful sleep to all.

Thank you Greg for sharing the video.

http://ehaldeman.smugmug.com/Roadtrip/Williamsburgand-VirginiaBeach/22261889_6ddPV3

April 9, 2012

2 more things, Erica is an Aries!

When I went out to the boardwalk on Virginia Beach I sat on a bench so that I could enjoy the ocean view and drink my coffee. There was a plaque on the bench, “ Rhonda Kay Williams” . Left her earthly home March 2011. 27 years old. When I sat on Rhonda's bench I had a feeling she was right there with me. I know Rich was.

April 9, 2012

Today was indeed very difficult. We tried to keep things as normal as possible for my grandaughters and i believe they had a fairly happy day. The 5 year old did have a melt down and cried that she missed her mama while at church. it is so heartbreaking to watch. i visited Sarah's grave and it felt just as hard as the day we buried her. Her grave was covered with straw, in preparation for the grass to grow on it, but it looked so desolate. Soon there will be nothing to show that she was even here. My son in law is ordering her marker but it will be awhile before it gets completed. Of course I know she remains alive in so many people's hearts and she enjoyed her first Easter in Heaven, but I still hurt and cried as I played some of her favorite music . I am glad I went by myself and didn't bring my grandbabies with me. My husband has early onset Alzhiemers so going to the cemetery is not good for him either. Oh how I wish we could turn time back. Thank you for listening.

April 9, 2012

Betsy, so good to see Rich's smiling face and to know that you felt his presence on your trip. I love the gypsy in you, able to go look around and discover places on your own. I lift my tea cup to Rhonda Kay, as her space allowed you a moment to feel her spirit, how nice her name is written so that others can know there is this person who matters. WE get it. Welcome home to you.

Sarah's Mom, hard hard times for you all, with the little ones sad, you are of course sad, and your Husband having early onset...a lot on your plate Dear, be kind to yourself please. Hang on and be kind.

April 9, 2012

I am so tired all the time and so empty inside. But it seems that I am still breathing and hating that I am. All I want is my son around me either him here on earth or me with him. But I am not going to kill myself to get to him. I just pray that God would allow me to not wake up so that I can be with him. But when I wake up the next day all I can think atleast I am one day closer to being with Robert again. I know that is not living on this earth but it is hard to do. I fake it so much around my husband and other people when I drag myself out of bed. But I do not want to be here I do not like to eat I have no desire for anything but my son. I eat because I have to but it brings no joy. I write in a journal that I call Robert's journal where I talk to him almost every day in it. I miss him more now then when I first found out that he was gone. Sure I have learn to try and fake it. But since he has been gone, so many things have happened to me that has never happened before. Some of it I believe is God's way of having me focus on something else so to ease my pain. First I waas so sick for over a week and I hardly ever get sick and then for the last two weeks my eye has been so swollen and in pain that it hurt so much. I had gone to my regular doctor and he put me on steroids and that did not help so when I finished them and the swelling was getting worse and so was the pain I went to the ER and they told me that I need to see a eye doctor and put me on some antiboitics. I went to the eye doctor and they said it was not my eye that it was my nasal passage way. So I said to him so now I have to go see an ENT and he said no you need to see a specialist which they did not believe when my husband called them that it really was an emergency and told him for me to come in a week from Thursday and my husband told them that was not good enough that if they could not see me today that they needed to find someone to see me. Well they said if I could be there in 20 minutes they would see me. My husband did 90 on the highway to get me there. And when I walked in and they took one look at me they started telling that they were so sorry that they thought that we were lying that it really wasn't an emergency but they said I truely was an emergency. It turned out that my eye duct is so clogged that it has caused a bad infection from my tear duct to my cheek and nose area. It looked like someone had hit me without the coloring, that was how swollen I was. So now I am going to have surgery on Friday to open the tear duct and drain it and then they are going to make a new tear duct and put a drainage tube in that will be in from either 2 weeks to 3 months. I am very nervous and I miss Robert so for he would be saying to me in a voice that was trying to hide his fear and worry but I would know he was, but he would tell me mom everything will be fine. And he would find someway to make a joke about it. And he would of been the only son that would call my husband to see how surgery went. So I will miss him on that day as I do every day. thanks for listening

April 9, 2012

Hi Indigos

Robertsmom I am so glad that you have posted here in our loss of adult child community. This wonderful group has truly saved my sanity and my life. I am o very sorry for the loss of your precious child and do understand the deep pain of which you speak. Please come here often and post Remember to be very gentle with yourself and follow the doctor's directions. It is good that you attended to he problem with your eye. Please know you are not alone and we do care.

Sarahmom and Forestmom please remember to rest, try to take small walks and keep coming here sharing. it is important to know you are not alone and that this wonderful family of Indigos truly do care.

Kate thanks for h information on the Eagles I hope maybe I can get here to actually see them Sounds wonderful. I am spoiled as I sit at my computer and feel so close to them and the babies.

Betsy I visited smug mug and enjoyed all your pictures So glad that you took that road trip.

Dee Hope your day provided inspiration for a new poem from your creative spirit

Sherry Miss you Hope your Day was filled with love and kindness.

Trudi I hope that you and Sir Mutley are enjoyin g those walks and coffee

Carol prayers always for you and Ralph How is the exercise class going?

My Dear Indigo family I pray that the love of you angels continue to warm your heart

April 9, 2012

really enjoyed everyone sharing photos and videos!

heading back to work tomorrow night. my father seems more stable so i will be just taking one day a week off work so i can visit him twice a week while things are running pretty smoothly.

everything is really green here. bought some plants today to try to get them established before it gets really hot. going to go sleep a couple hours then get up and plant.

last summer when forest died not only did i stay with my kids as much as i could but we had something like 40 days of more than 100 degrees so everything at my house burned up. hoping for some better luck this year. seeing green growing things always lifts my spirit.

once i wanted the kids to come look at my vegetable garden and they were kinda dragging their feet when forest said "come on guys, you know part of being one of mom's kids is looking at her garden" so everyone came and looked. i always remember how sweet that was.

April 9, 2012

Its Easter Monday here in the land downunder. Its freezing cold with rain and hail. Winter bypassed Autumn. After 2 days of Easter I fell into a heap today. I slept till 11am being wakened by the youngest step son and toddler. They were letting mummy sleep :blink: They left I returned to hibernate rising again around 5pm. Still feel as though I need to sleep another 100yrs. :huh:

I love your pictures Betsy. Having seen the beauty of Virgina I am now trying to work that into part of my trip.

Greg ~ Precious to have such footage. I look at pictures of my dad with me, the bride, his first grandchild, Mike and all the others that mark the adventures of the first man in my life and smile. He died within 6 months of retiring. He got to see all my children born, he now has Micheal with him. I am sure it was Dad who reached out and bought him through ~ they were connected from day one.

Sarah & Roberts mum's ~ Hard times all round. Grandies missing mums, the body wearing down without warning and the wanting for things to be back the way they were all take such a toll.

Peace and light to my Indigo family..."thanks for listening"...

April 9, 2012

Hello my Indigo Pals,

I just wanted to stop in and say HI!!!

Our Easter was much better than anticipated and I am very grateful for that.

We spent the day in Appleton, WI.; with Scott's family.

Both our kids came!!!!!

The weather was windy, but the sun was out for most of the day.

I think of this group everyday, and pray your path is smooth.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

April 9, 2012

I feel very alone now without my son, my best friend. He was such a great person. But my husband cannot understand how I feel because he was his stepdad. And my so called friends and other two boys have nothing to do with me after they heard about Robert's death. I think about Robert being in his apartment for two weeks without any of his so called friends or even neighbors did not notice that my active son who always went out many times a day with his dogs to walk or run them. And my son was very talkative even with his dog. So if he was heading outside people could hear him. I just get sick to my stomach knowning that no one even thought to check on him. He had left the door unlocked and his sliding door open alittle so that they would hear the dogs bark like they usually do when someone would walk by. Robert had everything planned down to a tee except not thinking that no one would come right away. I know that must of been terrible on his soul because he loved those dogs so much. He even said in his video that the dogs were the most of why he had stayed alive as long as he did. I know i should stop thinking about this but it is hard to know that my son was alone dead for two weeks and his dogs survived and we do not know how they did because there was no dog food in the house. I knew where my son kept his dog food which was kept up high in a cabinet. I guess from the grace from God. I just wish I could get a sign that he is all right. Apparently I have been posting on the wrong place all this time and I do not want to repeat myself so if you do not understand what I am talking about I would suggest either you ask me privately or try and look back at my other post because it talks of the history of everything that has led up to Robert's death. I miss him but I am so proud of him for some weird reason. I guess becau.se for one he did what he wanted to do. I knew he was in so much pain and torment most of his life. I am so glad that he got out of the family that helped to created the pain and torment in his life, even though I have been lost to Robert and we can never have anymore together time or talk on the phone like we did every day. I morn the future that will never be. I do not morn that Robert killed himself because I guess because of his life and what people had done to him he felt he had no choice and they kept causing him torment and anguish even though he was 32 and so he was having a hard time stopping or erasing the tapes that they put in his head. His therapist and I had tried many times and together we did tell him that he was a good person. See if you don't understand my son was taken from me and was brainwashed and controled and was never taught how to be a grown up. He was 32 years old and they still controled him (his grandparents my ex in-laws) because they had to have control. They have a even bigger hold on my two other boys who are 28 and 31 this year. They will bitch at the boys who live in condos taht they paid for and tell them that they have to come to work at there business or they will never make anything of themselves. They were not allowed to pursue their own talents and wants. But if they did not go to work the grandparents still put money into their bank account and they paid all my boys and my ex's bills. So why would the kids want to work. they had it mad. They listen to the bitching and go own. But Robert wanted more. He knew that the things that they were doing was not right but his love for his grandmother was so deep taht he could not tare himself away from her destructive love. And to me alot of that kiled my son. They told him and his brothers that I never loved them and refuse to let me visit them and I could not fight them because I was barely making enough money to survive and these people had the money and the power and they showed it when they fought me when I left their son with the kids. With Robert being the oldest I know that he took alot of the burden on, for he told me so in the past couple of years. I told him that I was so sorry for how his life as a child was but being adult now is a great thing that he got to choose his family and how he wanted to do things. But he just could not stop those tapes and I believe that is what put my son over the edge to kill himself. Does not in some ways to help my pain of my loss. My heart is empty without him. I feel so empty and lost in I do not know where I belong now or who I am anymore. I just feel so lost and down. I have picked myself up so many times in my life but this time I am having such a hard time picking myself up. I want my son back if he could come back without his pain. But since he can't I wish so much that I could get a good sign that I know for sure came from him that he was all right. Just because he is gone, I just can't stop wanting to make sure my boy is allrght. Thanks for listening, Linda

April 9, 2012

Linda-I'm so sorry fro your loss and your pain. I've seen your posts from time to time lately, but I haven't been able to post as much as I had earlier on. It is kind of hard to tell for sure where you're posting here, I think Betty explained it to you very well because here you are. A few years ago, my aunt, who was only 2 years older than me, died at home in her bed. She had been in very bad health for a long time, and didn't work or get out much. She had been dead for several days before anybody went by there to check on her. She had been something of a recluse. My aunt and uncle went by there, and he told my aunt that he was going to go in the house first, because they both had a feeling that something was terribly wrong. They had tried to call her and couldn't get an answer. She was in her bed with the covers over her like she was sleeping, but she had been gone for a while. I have felt really badly that this happened to her, when we were younger, she was one of the most fun people you'd ever meet, but after she started having health problems, she became somewhat addicted to painkillers because she was in a lot of pain most of the time, if not all the time. During this time, I had my hands full with my kids teenage years, and I wasn't as close to her as when we were younger. That is my only experience of somebody dying all alone, and it made us all feel terribly guilty that we should have known and done something. I can not even imagine how you feel, and I'm so sorry. Like I said, I don't post as much anymore, but there is almost always someone here posting during the day and night. Even when nobody responds to me, I know that they read it, and were nodding their head in agreement, if not crying outright, but are unable to find words to comfort, because sometimes there just isn't anything to say. Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone. My heart to you as you find your way.

April 9, 2012

RobertsMom, I don't believe Robert was alone. His dogs were there, the very reason he continued on in life. In death, the dogs were there for him. With Robert.

My ex, Rich’s dad ,was with Rich until the coroner drove Rich away. Rich's dad told me that it wasn't Rich anymore. The essence of Rich, his spirit,his soul were no longer contained in the shell of his body.

The body is what we arrived in,but our boys made an exit in a burst of glory and light.

The manner in which many millions of people live their lives, alone,may not always guarantee that we are found in “ a timely manner”. I have lived alone off and on for years, or even when my kids were younger and gone for a weekend, and the thought has entered my mind , what happens if I die alone? Most of the time an employer would call, if no answer, call 911. I guess I have always set up safe guards to insure that people know where I am, when I will return etc. Even during my road trip I touched base with a couple of people who knew where I was. A lot of times , especially when I was younger I didn't think this way.

Our society with the internet, email and social sites have taken away many ways that humans stay social in a true physical form. There are no longer as many face to face meetings. Even phone calls have diminished with texting, ( which I do not always Like!). I wish I could convey that I don't think its that people don't care,didn't notice Robert was missing. I believe its our society. I realize this probably doesn't help much, its just what I think.

I would try to think of Robert as he is now. Alive in a spiritual realm and out of pain.

April 9, 2012

Greg, thanks for sharing your video. I really enjoyed watching your family gathering. That was an excellent choice of music. I have always loved Nat King Cole. Was that you doing the fancy footwork as you were being held? Also the patty cake?

Susan...I can only imagine the bitterseet feeling that you felt as you attended the sunrise service yesterday morning. What a lovely idea to release the doves. How comforting and peaceful. I'm thinking of Ragan today and wishing her calm nerves and success in giving her talk to the school. Let us know how it went. She is one brave girl!

Colleen...glad the weather was lovely yesterday for you to enjoy a great family Easter.

Dee...thinking of you today...as always. Take care.

Gretchen...I am happy to see that your dad is now doing better and you are able to get back into bit of a routine of your own.

Sarah's Mom...Sorry that it is rough going right now. It is still so very early for you. I hope that you will soon find some peace and the pain will soften somewhat.

Linda...Betsy is so right. Robert is now alive in a spiritual realm and out of his pain. Take comfort in knowing this and please try to take care of yourself. This pain will start to lessen in time. Please do not blame yourself for not being there with him. I truly believe that we are never alone at the end.

Becky...hope you are ok.

Carol...always thinking of you and Ralph. Hope yesterday was lovely break for the load you are carrying. How are you doing with your exercises?

Trudi...when are you planning to take your holiday?

Maddy...I sure hope you had a decent day with the kids yesterday. Are your classes finished yet?

Well, after a few weeks spent in the dumps I decided to pick myself up and get moving. I bought a ham and prepared a traditional dinner last evening for the two of us. I did it for my husband. We went for a long hike in the woods and then to the site to lay some flowers. The trees managed to break the strong winds and the sun shone brightly as we walked along the path. It felt strange... and as so many have said in the past...the two year mark really does define the reality that this is not a bad dream, but actualy happening. And as each day flows into the next I become all too aware of the permanence of this situation. For the first time I had to admit to myself that I did not feel his presence there any longer. Something told me strongly and firmly that he has moved on. And so until I see him again I need to make my way ahead with my own life carrying him closely in my heart. Always loved and never forgotten.

Kate

April 9, 2012

I feel very alone now without my son, my best friend. He was such a great person. But my husband cannot understand how I feel because he was his stepdad. And my so called friends and other two boys have nothing to do with me after they heard about Robert's death. I think about Robert being in his apartment for two weeks without any of his so called friends or even neighbors did not notice that my active son who always went out many times a day with his dogs to walk or run them. And my son was very talkative even with his dog. So if he was heading outside people could hear him. I just get sick to my stomach knowning that no one even thought to check on him. He had left the door unlocked and his sliding door open alittle so that they would hear the dogs bark like they usually do when someone would walk by. Robert had everything planned down to a tee except not thinking that no one would come right away. I know that must of been terrible on his soul because he loved those dogs so much. He even said in his video that the dogs were the most of why he had stayed alive as long as he did. I know i should stop thinking about this but it is hard to know that my son was alone dead for two weeks and his dogs survived and we do not know how they did because there was no dog food in the house. I knew where my son kept his dog food which was kept up high in a cabinet. I guess from the grace from God. I just wish I could get a sign that he is all right. Apparently I have been posting on the wrong place all this time and I do not want to repeat myself so if you do not understand what I am talking about I would suggest either you ask me privately or try and look back at my other post because it talks of the history of everything that has led up to Robert's death. I miss him but I am so proud of him for some weird reason. I guess becau.se for one he did what he wanted to do. I knew he was in so much pain and torment most of his life. I am so glad that he got out of the family that helped to created the pain and torment in his life, even though I have been lost to Robert and we can never have anymore together time or talk on the phone like we did every day. I morn the future that will never be. I do not morn that Robert killed himself because I guess because of his life and what people had done to him he felt he had no choice and they kept causing him torment and anguish even though he was 32 and so he was having a hard time stopping or erasing the tapes that they put in his head. His therapist and I had tried many times and together we did tell him that he was a good person. See if you don't understand my son was taken from me and was brainwashed and controled and was never taught how to be a grown up. He was 32 years old and they still controled him (his grandparents my ex in-laws) because they had to have control. They have a even bigger hold on my two other boys who are 28 and 31 this year. They will bitch at the boys who live in condos taht they paid for and tell them that they have to come to work at there business or they will never make anything of themselves. They were not allowed to pursue their own talents and wants. But if they did not go to work the grandparents still put money into their bank account and they paid all my boys and my ex's bills. So why would the kids want to work. they had it mad. They listen to the bitching and go own. But Robert wanted more. He knew that the things that they were doing was not right but his love for his grandmother was so deep taht he could not tare himself away from her destructive love. And to me alot of that kiled my son. They told him and his brothers that I never loved them and refuse to let me visit them and I could not fight them because I was barely making enough money to survive and these people had the money and the power and they showed it when they fought me when I left their son with the kids. With Robert being the oldest I know that he took alot of the burden on, for he told me so in the past couple of years. I told him that I was so sorry for how his life as a child was but being adult now is a great thing that he got to choose his family and how he wanted to do things. But he just could not stop those tapes and I believe that is what put my son over the edge to kill himself. Does not in some ways to help my pain of my loss. My heart is empty without him. I feel so empty and lost in I do not know where I belong now or who I am anymore. I just feel so lost and down. I have picked myself up so many times in my life but this time I am having such a hard time picking myself up. I want my son back if he could come back without his pain. But since he can't I wish so much that I could get a good sign that I know for sure came from him that he was all right. Just because he is gone, I just can't stop wanting to make sure my boy is allrght. Thanks for listening, Linda

Linda,

No one knows the pain in our hearts and souls like God does. And sometimes, when that pain is so intractable that we can't stand it anymore, I think God takes us and then we see, for ourselves, all the glory and peace we were meant to experience. Suicide, for those who are raised in the old religious mindset (or worse, those who have never experienced this tragedy in their lives), is looked down on as a "failure" of some kind. The act leaves behind incredible pain and destruction with loved ones wondering, always, "was there something I could have said or done. Why didn't I see it coming?" The real story is this: Only God knows what is in our hearts. No one dies one minute later or sooner than God decides; He knew our "shelf life" before we were even born. I have read some of your posts Linda, and from them, I have learned that Robert was a good and decent man. But this life, and sometimes what we (or others) do, can be hard on those whose spirits are fragile and prone to pain. There isn't a person on the planet who can say with any assurance that they knew what was in a person's mind that caused them to take that last dreadful step. But God DOES know, and His love and undestanding surpass anything we can ever know in this life.

I believe, with all my heart, that Robert (and my darling girl) are experiencing a joy and fulfillment that we can all aspire to some day.

Think about it Linda- all their questions have been answered, they know the "plan", and they live in His glory every day! They are powerful and working for our good every day! They never leave us, and are just waiting for us to all be together again and never separated. You can know this with absolute assurance.

All of us in here have experienced the worst thing that can happen to a parent. Could it be worse? We know it can. I live, every day, with the knowledge that I could lose another of my children or my darling husband. Bobby and Craig are both cops, and Cory is a terrible driver, so, yes, it could happen again. My worst nightmare is that God will take all my loved ones from me and leave me here to outlive them all. But if He chooses it, I will STILL surrender and trust Him. There WAS a reason. Living by faith isn't easy Linda, and God never said it would be. We chose to "be as gods" and that comes with a terrible price, but we also have assurance. That assurance is that this is NOT all there is, and we WILL be with our children again- and forever. Right now, Robert and Chrissy are livng in "unapproachable light" with God, and we will too someday.

Much love,

Robyn

April 9, 2012

I have been away for a few days and have missed you, my dear friends. Family and school have demanded my time. I hope that you all had a wonderful Easter- He is risen!

Craig and I spent the day with our kids and grandkids- easter bunnies and chocolate bunnies all around! And don't forget them Peeps! Even though we were together, without Chrissy, the atmosphere was more relaxed. Maybe we are starting to heal a bit. I certainly hope that is the case. 4 months and 2 weeks doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it still feels as if it has been much longer!

I think of you, often, and keep you in my prayers!

Love,

Robyn

April 9, 2012

I have been away for a few days and have missed you, my dear friends. Family and school have demanded my time. I hope that you all had a wonderful Easter- He is risen!
Craig and I spent the day with our kids and grandkids- easter bunnies and chocolate bunnies all around! And don't forget them Peeps! Even though we were together, without Chrissy, the atmosphere was more relaxed. Maybe we are starting to heal a bit. I certainly hope that is the case. 4 months and 2 weeks doesn't seem like a lot of time, but it still feels as if it has been much longer!
I think of you, often, and keep you in my prayers!
Love,
Robyn

Robyn...so glad to see that yesterday was a good day for you. The bunny fest sounded like a lot of fun. There is nothing like children to put a smile on your face.

April 9, 2012

I feel very alone now without my son, my best friend. He was such a great person. But my husband cannot understand how I feel because he was his stepdad. And my so called friends and other two boys have nothing to do with me after they heard about Robert's death. I think about Robert being in his apartment for two weeks without any of his so called friends or even neighbors did not notice that my active son who always went out many times a day with his dogs to walk or run them. And my son was very talkative even with his dog. So if he was heading outside people could hear him. I just get sick to my stomach knowning that no one even thought to check on him. He had left the door unlocked and his sliding door open alittle so that they would hear the dogs bark like they usually do when someone would walk by. Robert had everything planned down to a tee except not thinking that no one would come right away. I know that must of been terrible on his soul because he loved those dogs so much. He even said in his video that the dogs were the most of why he had stayed alive as long as he did. I know i should stop thinking about this but it is hard to know that my son was alone dead for two weeks and his dogs survived and we do not know how they did because there was no dog food in the house. I knew where my son kept his dog food which was kept up high in a cabinet. I guess from the grace from God. I just wish I could get a sign that he is all right. Apparently I have been posting on the wrong place all this time and I do not want to repeat myself so if you do not understand what I am talking about I would suggest either you ask me privately or try and look back at my other post because it talks of the history of everything that has led up to Robert's death. I miss him but I am so proud of him for some weird reason. I guess becau.se for one he did what he wanted to do. I knew he was in so much pain and torment most of his life. I am so glad that he got out of the family that helped to created the pain and torment in his life, even though I have been lost to Robert and we can never have anymore together time or talk on the phone like we did every day. I morn the future that will never be. I do not morn that Robert killed himself because I guess because of his life and what people had done to him he felt he had no choice and they kept causing him torment and anguish even though he was 32 and so he was having a hard time stopping or erasing the tapes that they put in his head. His therapist and I had tried many times and together we did tell him that he was a good person. See if you don't understand my son was taken from me and was brainwashed and controled and was never taught how to be a grown up. He was 32 years old and they still controled him (his grandparents my ex in-laws) because they had to have control. They have a even bigger hold on my two other boys who are 28 and 31 this year. They will bitch at the boys who live in condos taht they paid for and tell them that they have to come to work at there business or they will never make anything of themselves. They were not allowed to pursue their own talents and wants. But if they did not go to work the grandparents still put money into their bank account and they paid all my boys and my ex's bills. So why would the kids want to work. they had it mad. They listen to the bitching and go own. But Robert wanted more. He knew that the things that they were doing was not right but his love for his grandmother was so deep taht he could not tare himself away from her destructive love. And to me alot of that kiled my son. They told him and his brothers that I never loved them and refuse to let me visit them and I could not fight them because I was barely making enough money to survive and these people had the money and the power and they showed it when they fought me when I left their son with the kids. With Robert being the oldest I know that he took alot of the burden on, for he told me so in the past couple of years. I told him that I was so sorry for how his life as a child was but being adult now is a great thing that he got to choose his family and how he wanted to do things. But he just could not stop those tapes and I believe that is what put my son over the edge to kill himself. Does not in some ways to help my pain of my loss. My heart is empty without him. I feel so empty and lost in I do not know where I belong now or who I am anymore. I just feel so lost and down. I have picked myself up so many times in my life but this time I am having such a hard time picking myself up. I want my son back if he could come back without his pain. But since he can't I wish so much that I could get a good sign that I know for sure came from him that he was all right. Just because he is gone, I just can't stop wanting to make sure my boy is allrght. Thanks for listening, Linda

Linda...first of all, thank you for sharing your picture of Robert holding his dog. He is a very nice looking young man. I'm not sure if you remember our discussions when you first joined the site. My son also died due to his own hand. Firstly, you must not torment yourself about past mistakes. It is going to make you very ill. From all that you have told us he was a really good guy that suffered from an illness. It was something that he could not control on his own. He was an avid dog lover and cared deeply for his pets. God will not punish him for what happened. He loves us and will show him compassion and caring. He is most certainly in a better place where he is free of his pain and anguish. And he would definitely want you to be at peace as well. I know it hurts so very badly. But you can and will get into a place where you will be able to cope without thinking constantly of the circumstances surrounding his death. It takes a ton of really hard work to try to get past that point, but it will start to soften. You will begin to focus on the fact he is at peace and in a happier state. You will remember the best parts of him.

Please do not torment yourself about the past. What is done is done. He knew you loved him. He most definitely loved you. Hold on to that with all your heart. Keep walking your dog and exercising, ok? Can you plant a flowering shrub or tree in his memory by your place? Do something positive to feel good about honouring him. And remember it was NOT your fault. Stay strong. Keep posting.

Kate

April 9, 2012

Kate thank you so much for your help. I do think and know that Robert loved me deeply, for he told me so alot and when I went and saw him in September he told me that I had been the only person in his life that has ever given him unconditional love. That made me fee great because it is true how I did love my boys but it felt good to know that Robert felt it. Robert left a suicide video that he made on Dec. 22nd, 2011 and he died on Jan.4,2012 so he did not just kill himself, he planned it. But on the suicide video for 20minutes he spook to me and told me how much I meant to him and I use to sing him the song "You are my sunshine" (because each of my boys got different songs just especially for them) and Robert sang the song to me and told me he loved that I use to sing it to him and he knew how I felt about him and I knew how he felt about me. What makes me hurt so bad is that there will never be any more of us. No more phone calls where we would talk for hours at a time atleast three times a day and we always told each other how we felt about each other in every conversation. If there was something bothering us about the other we could talk it out and he told me that I was the only person that he knew in his family life that could let things go after talking about it. I told him that is the way I am. I just cry because of me never having anymore time with his physical self. I am proud of my son in a strange way because he got out of that family in the only way he saw he could. I know that sounds strange to some, but there is nothing that he could do that I would not be proud of him. I got his autopsy report all 14 pages and it is not the prettiest thing to read, but after reading it that is when I became very calm and became very proud of my son. I just am not sure why but I believe that it is that he got out of that family and I know for sure he is happy and not in pain and torment anymore. My pain is my selfishness because I want him back but without the pain he had. I hope you understand. I am getting a tattoo with his ashes mixed in one on my chest kind of not too big but it is footprints going into the ocean (Robert loved the ocean) and in the waves very faintly they will take his ashes and mix it with the ink and write his birth year and then in another wave behind that they will write his name and then behind that in another wave they will write his death year. Then the sun will be rising and reflecting in the water. Then I am using more of his ashes to get a tattoo on my upper left side of my back a portrait of his face. That is one of the ways I am going to honor my son. Then in July my husband and my sister and his friends in CA we are all going to the beach on July 17th (which would of been Robert's birthday) and try to celebrate his life. Because in his video he did not want anyone to cry he wanted everyone to be happy and have a party when you thought of him. So I just felt the need since it will be the first birthday after his death that I go to California and do that. He would be gone then seven months exactly then.

Me and Robert with his dogs this past September.

A day I hope I never forget. Robert and I loved that day. He was so happy that day.

Linda...first of all, thank you for sharing your picture of Robert holding his dog. He is a very nice looking young man. I'm not sure if you remember our discussions when you first joined the site. My son also died due to his own hand. Firstly, you must not torment yourself about past mistakes. It is going to make you very ill. From all that you have told us he was a really good guy that suffered from an illness. It was something that he could not control on his own. He was an avid dog lover and cared deeply for his pets. God will not punish him for what happened. He loves us and will show him compassion and caring. He is most certainly in a better place where he is free of his pain and anguish. And he would definitely want you to be at peace as well. I know it hurts so very badly. But you can and will get into a place where you will be able to cope without thinking constantly of the circumstances surrounding his death. It takes a ton of really hard work to try to get past that point, but it will start to soften. You will begin to focus on the fact he is at peace and in a happier state. You will remember the best parts of him.
Please do not torment yourself about the past. What is done is done. He knew you loved him. He most definitely loved you. Hold on to that with all your heart. Keep walking your dog and exercising, ok? Can you plant a flowering shrub or tree in his memory by your place? Do something positive to feel good about honouring him. And remember it was NOT your fault. Stay strong. Keep posting.
Kate

April 9, 2012

I want to share a book that I read the other night when I could not sleep. It has made alot of difference in me but it still leaves me alittle doubting. But it makes you think. The book is called "The Other Side of Suicide" by Karen Peebles. It is only 76 pages long and very easy to read. I recommend this to all who child as died by their own doing, meaning they killed themselves.

April 9, 2012

Kate thank you so much for your help. I do think and know that Robert loved me deeply, for he told me so alot and when I went and saw him in September he told me that I had been the only person in his life that has ever given him unconditional love. That made me fee great because it is true how I did love my boys but it felt good to know that Robert felt it. Robert left a suicide video that he made on Dec. 22nd, 2011 and he died on Jan.4,2012 so he did not just kill himself, he planned it. But on the suicide video for 20minutes he spook to me and told me how much I meant to him and I use to sing him the song "You are my sunshine" (because each of my boys got different songs just especially for them) and Robert sang the song to me and told me he loved that I use to sing it to him and he knew how I felt about him and I knew how he felt about me. What makes me hurt so bad is that there will never be any more of us. No more phone calls where we would talk for hours at a time atleast three times a day and we always told each other how we felt about each other in every conversation. If there was something bothering us about the other we could talk it out and he told me that I was the only person that he knew in his family life that could let things go after talking about it. I told him that is the way I am. I just cry because of me never having anymore time with his physical self. I am proud of my son in a strange way because he got out of that family in the only way he saw he could. I know that sounds strange to some, but there is nothing that he could do that I would not be proud of him. I got his autopsy report all 14 pages and it is not the prettiest thing to read, but after reading it that is when I became very calm and became very proud of my son. I just am not sure why but I believe that it is that he got out of that family and I know for sure he is happy and not in pain and torment anymore. My pain is my selfishness because I want him back but without the pain he had. I hope you understand. I am getting a tattoo with his ashes mixed in one on my chest kind of not too big but it is footprints going into the ocean (Robert loved the ocean) and in the waves very faintly they will take his ashes and mix it with the ink and write his birth year and then in another wave behind that they will write his name and then behind that in another wave they will write his death year. Then the sun will be rising and reflecting in the water. Then I am using more of his ashes to get a tattoo on my upper left side of my back a portrait of his face. That is one of the ways I am going to honor my son. Then in July my husband and my sister and his friends in CA we are all going to the beach on July 17th (which would of been Robert's birthday) and try to celebrate his life. Because in his video he did not want anyone to cry he wanted everyone to be happy and have a party when you thought of him. So I just felt the need since it will be the first birthday after his death that I go to California and do that. He would be gone then seven months exactly then.
Me and Robert with his dogs this past September.
A day I hope I never forget. Robert and I loved that day. He was so happy that day.

i like the idea of the footsteps/ocean tattoo. seems very fitting and the fact incorporating his ashes keeps his physical self always with you.

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