Loss of an Adult Child

[Chads Mom]

I am kind of glad I have been feeling a bit emotionally numb the past few days it made it easier to get through the day. We went to my mother in laws and it was lovely as always but I felt myself wanting Chad to be there and be fed ice cream and mashed potatoes. (his favorites) My MIL brought out her photo albums which was very hard to look at… Chad was on almost every page. I waited till we got in the car and silently cried while we drove to the cemetery. We stopped to visit Chad at the cemetery and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving when we got there we noticed a red fox running away from where his spot is. My SIL noticed a red fox in the cemetery about a month ago near his graveside…This little fox just stopped at the fence line and looked over his shoulder at us…. Then when we left he slowly walked back to the tree by Chad’s Grave and laid down…. Hmmmmmm.....

Sending my love and wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope we each were able to find something to be thankful for today. I for one am thankful I found all the special people here at BI not sure where I’d be if I hadn’t….. Thank you all for that…

Love and peace……………………….

P.S. I have attached a pic of Chad at Thanksgiving when he was just a little tyke...

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[ericasmom]

Polly, how lovely that Chad let you know of his presence, the Fox. The wise creature who walks freely through the forest. I love that your MIL doesn't shy away from memories, what a nice thing, though holding in your tears till later, not something I have ever been able to do. Blessings to you, I too am most thankful for those here, for a place such as this.

Going downtown now to witness the lions at the ARt Institute receive their necklaces.

[Guest msnher]

Polly, because of my own experience with the wild bird and owls after Stephanie died, I absolutely believe animals are messages from our children. In China fox are believed to be messengers of the spirit world. There are some native american tribes who believe the same thing. Some also say that it is a reminder to be aware of our surroundings. Whatever it means, it was a wonderful gift for you. Fox are also playful, jokesters and agile. If I were to guess at a spiritual meaning behind your fox I would guess that it was Chad letting you know he is in a new body and having a great time and that he is watching over you.

[Chads Mom]

I just noticed the picture from my post last night was not attached.

This is my Dad & Mom with Chad when he was just a little guy on Thanksgiving...

Going to be brave today and do a little Christmas shopping...

I agree Dee & Susannah I think this is sign from Chad letting me know he's okay and that we are going to be okay...

Love and Peace Indigo's..........................

[shorty16]

My Dear Indigo Friends,

Well, we survived another holiday, but not without a few tears.

Rhonda, I read your post, and it was like I was typing it. These holidays have forever changed for us and not for the better.

My head knows Brian has been gone for 3.5 years, but my heart still thinks Brian died the day before yesterday.

We were able to smile, laugh, eat, talk and have a generally good time. I must also say that this Thanksgiving was better than 2010. I remember crying through most of that one.

I thought of each of you on this journey with me. Without you, I would not be as far along as I am....For that, I am thankful for each of you and our angels.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Col, I do understand that your heart feels differently than your head. I am glad though, that you had a good day yesterday. John and I will have Thanksgiving tomorrow with JOnathan and Shannon and two of Jon's friends.

I went downtown to see watch the Lions receive thier necklaces, and once again, blue skies prevailed and warm windy temps. The crowd gathered and there was a gospel choir singing, all very festive. The Lions have the old fashioned necklaces this year, the balsam wreaths with red ribbons. Traditional and not fancy, perhaps in light of the economic pattern, being too fancy would not be in good taste. Don't know. I walked the parks and took photos and enjoyed being alone in a crowd. I went then to Macy's and bought a few items for gifts for the holidays and then through the basement of Macy's you can enter the subway to catch the train. I came home and now I am going to start baking for tomorrow. I will make an upside down apple cake, so good, and two pumpkin pies.

I hope that everyone is well and feels able to relax.

Betty, I looked for you in the crowd at he Macy's parade in NYC on tv yesterday. I wonder if you were there. Scenes from Central Park brought you close in my mind'seye and I am hugging you.

[daveydow1]

Susannah------Sending prayers for dear Amanda. Bless her.

Dee----How was your trip downtown? It sounds like a nice experience, and like you said....who cares

if strangers see a few of your tears? There is bound to be others in the crowds who also have

some grief of some kind in their hearts. That's the good thing about being alone in a crowd. One

somehow feels a 'kinship' of sorts with them. Seeing the wreaths placed on the necks of those

majestic lions at the entrance of the Art Museum would be such a nice experience. I would like to

do that someday......see the wreaths placed, and be part of the festive atmosphere. I would have to

pass on the ice skating..........never could ice skate....tried it, didn't do well at all. . Sorry to hear of the

man at the lecture, who lost his son. Also, for the loss of the college student who was shot over a

minor dispute. Prayers for all their families. We went to Becky's for Thanksgiving. I took the pumpkin

pies, and baked corn pudding. Very nice time. The little ones kept us amused, too. Glad your day

was relaxing. I, too, will be making a dinner on Sat. or Sun........roast chicken, dressing & all the rest.

My husband loves the leftovers.

Rhonda-----Coffee with Bailey's Irish Creme......sounds so yummy and comforting. Peace to you, friend.

Carol-----Thanks for the poem......we had this same poem published with Davey's yearly memorial.....June 14.

I think that it is a lovely poem. I visited Mike's Memorial site, and love the Amazing Grace music. I have the

same song on Davey's memorial site .....(not with words.....just instrumental ). I tried to put other songs on

but did not have the MP3 format, so was unsuccessful, but I do love the Amazing Grace hymn that was

available at the time, on the site. They no longer offer music, so I think it will always be Amazing Grace.

Continuing to pray for Ralph's health, and for Davis' struggles. I believe that you were right to be upfront

with him. He is no doubt very sad about his grandpa, but at the same time probably needs to be reminded

of certain things. Peace to your whole family, Carol.

Betsy-----I hope that your workplace gets better..... Stress that you do not need right now., I'm sorry. Your

story of Rich's first haircut as a cute toddler was so nice. I don't remember ever taking Davey to the

barber for haircuts. Probably just trimmed it myself. I do so hope that Rich's ashes were not disturbed.....

very upsetting, I'm sure. Peace to you, friend.

Sue----Good to see Stacy's smile.

Polly----such a beautiful little fox being near sweet Chad's grave. Surely, Chad is giving you a sign that he

is ok. Animals are indeed, emissaries for angels......this I believe. I once had a snow goose that approached

me by the side of a lake......stood by me for a short while, then went back into the lake and glided away

around a bend. I took it as a sign from David. That was about several months after Dave passed. Also, I

always look for the crows and cardinals. Yes----animals give us messages from our dear angels.

Lorrie---Glad that you still have the two little dogs. Had to LOL about the bad breath thing ......so funny.

Also....thanks for the reminder that our angels don't need chairs......they dance on the tables. I will def

try Kourtney's Buttermilk pie.......thanks for the recipe.....sounds yummy. Also.....too funny about Monty

making the pies without the sugar.

Kathy----Love the pic of Tav's haircut. He does look so 'grownup' , which boys his age always want. Glad

that he loves the new haircut. Yep---I agree......sometimes we must put 'steel armour' around us in order

to get through the days. Peace to you.

Leah-----Oh, do be careful about lifting heavy furniture. ( I should take my own advice.) I'm guilty too, though.

I also dragged a large recliner upstairs to the main floor from the basement family room. I, too, was really feeling my age by

the time I got it up there. I had mentioned it to my husband, but he was resistant about helping, so I

just used my mom's motto......."If you want a job done,......do it yourself". I did the job one day when he wasn't

at home. My mom always just jumped right in on something like that, and she will be 92 in January. But, seriously, take it easy, friend, and I will try to follow my own advice.

Trudi----Sending prayers for Mal's recovery from shingles. Thanks for the lovely pics.

PEACE AND A GOOD NIGHT'S REST FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dee----We posted at the same time....... I'm glad that you had a nice time downtown Chicago, and

the lions getting their wreaths, walking in the parks, shopping etc. Sounds like a nice day.

[summergirl]

Carol - I visted Mike's memorial site - Ralph has a beautiful voice, I listened to it twice and he is "amazing" - please tell him I love his voice and to keep on singing!!! I am sorry that Davis is angry with you but know that we are in the same boat, Bj called today, wanted $$$ and I said no, he replied with "I can't believe you won't help me, everything is always about Tavian with you" !!! Well, the words flew out of my mouth and even though it hurt to say them I was not going to give in and how dare he say that about Tavian !! We are both doing the right thing by not enableing anymore so we will both stand strong and you take care of yourself and Ralph because that is what it important. Hugs to you both.

Thank you all, I too love Tavian's haircut as long as he is happy I am happy....It only makes me sad as he has his mommy's beautiful hair and when those curls get cut off - well enough said. I just have to realize he is gonna be 10 years old, not a baby anymore and I have alot more to get used to in the future....thank goodness you are all here to help me through it

A very good friend of ours, one of our camping buddies and someone we have know for a long time found out he has prostate cancer !! His doctor (actually 5 doctor's) said they caught it at a very early stage so the prognosis is very good. He is doing chemo every other Monday and then in Januray he will have an operation. Please keep him in your prayers.

I am gonna say good nite as I have already lost a post and not taking a chance on losing another. Wishing all the best and love and hugs to all

[lolynbo]

IS ANYONE ELSE IN A BAD MOOD. I FEEL LIKE IM FIXING TO WIGGGGGGGG OUT

[Susie_q512]

Hello Everyone - I'm still here, still have a pulse, although I can't figure out how the hell my heart continues to beat. It's been a rough and busy 3 weeks. I've finished the rooms downstairs....that took 2 weeks. I am exhausted on every level. Many of Shannon's things were in the playroom so it was very emotional going through everything in that room. I painted, but preserved all of the impulsive things she did to the walls. Then when I had finally finished and gotten a much needed shower, I was called to take my elderly mom to the e/r. Didn't get home till 4 in the morning on Tuesday. In bed around 5 and got some last things done in the house before getting a call that she had to go in to see her primary care doctor. From there she was admitted to the hospital. I made it home Thursday evening in time to put flowers at the roadside memorial, put some stuff in the oven, head to the cemetery, then back home to finish dinner. Think we ate Thanksgiving dinner around 9 or 9 30 that night. Mom is still in the hospital, but my brother and his wife were with her today, so I have been able to stay home and work on laundry. She can no longer stay alone, so we have to make decisions about her long term care.

Thanksgiving was horrible....our first without Shannon. I functioned and did the necessary things, but felt no joy....only deep sadness and loneliness. Can't imagine how difficult Christmas will be....wishing I could hibernate for a very long time.

Each of you were on my mind yesterday and in my heart. Sorry I haven't been checking in lately, but it's just been really bad for me lately. I can feel something taking root around my heart. Don't know if it is a deeper level of sadness and pain or possibly anger, but I can definitely feel it happening. I did get a sign from Shannon on my way home from the cemetery last night. I am always thankful for the signs, but I describe them as a small band-aide being placed on a very large and gaping wound. I love and appreciate the signs, but they afford only a small and temporary measure of comfort.

I have been invited to meet with other mom's who have lost children.....2 of the ones that will be in attendance are the mother's of 2 girls Shannon knew and went to school with. She was good friends with one of the girls who passed away. Such a small world. Never knew when Shannon came to me crying about Kylie dying and me taking her to the viewing that I would be in the same boat as her mom just a short time later. Kylie's best friend, Ashely, whom Shannon also knew, was killed in a boating accident the following year. Also found a picture of one of Ragan's birthday parties. A few pictures are group pictures. In them are Shannon and a girl I used to babysit after school. Her name was Bonnie. She was killed at 16 in a car accident. There they were: Shannon and Bonnie. Both killed at 16 in a car accident. Both smiling in those pictures....who knew???

Hugs and prayers for each of you.

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

ASHLEY-ASHLEY-ASHLEY

Your beautiful smile reminds us of what we daily miss, but daily give thanks for ever having known such joy. A perfect day was made when you were born into your Mom's life, stay close and let her know of your presence. Watch over your family and bless them with your light.

[ericasmom]

Carol, I am unable to listen to Ralph but I do not know why, it simply will not play. I will have to ask the Husband about it. How did you all do with the Holiday gathering?

Thanks Sherry, it was a nice day to just wander about and the weather made it quite pleasant, though now the winds are churning again with cooler temperatures and maybe some rain starting tomorrow. Your Thanksgiving day sounds like it was good with the family and the grandies. I know that you were feeling down building up to the holiday.

Susannah, I am reading an intriguing novel called: The Language of Flowers. It is pretty heavy and has all to do with a woman whose early life was spent in many many foster homes, only to be returned over and over but the story line is pretty amazing. You may find some common threads within the pages.

Lorri, not in a bad mood, but I was second guessing everything I did for the last two days which is frustrating and tiring. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Susan, your days have been packed full with duty and more duty. The changes you are feeling around your heart are probably some of the shock wearing away some and letting you feel a bit more of the depth of this unimaginable ache. I think that it will be beneficial to you to meet with other parents that have lost a child but don't do so until you feel ready. How is your husband doing? HOw is Raegan? And now your Mom needs care so I do hope that your Brother can do most of the arrangements for that.

[mikesmum]

IS ANYONE ELSE IN A BAD MOOD. I FEEL LIKE IM FIXING TO WIGGGGGGGG OUT

Yes Lorri I'm in a very bad mood and as the day progresses it just gets worse.

Trying to organise with family for Christmas isn't easy. I make no demands for the actual Christmas Day. My family got back to me this past Thursday to let me know they can both do Christmas Eve night. Mal's eldest's GF sms'd me Thursday asking what we were doing, what were Mals parents doing for Christmas. I got that message today, Saturday. sms'd back there was a BBQ for Christmas Eve, no idea what his parents had settled on what were they doing. I got nothing back.

Mal sms'd they would be welcome here Christmas Eve. He got a return message suggesting maybe he should do something for Christmas with just his boys. Each year they can't give you an answer as to when they are available to do Christmas till 24th December. So we plan around them. They give you 2 days notice at best that they will 'be available'. These past Christmases I have candles set to light before we eat. They are for Mike, my parents, my nephew. Its not a big 'ceremony' just a silent lighting. Apparently it brings people down...not the spirit of Christmas. Well people its the spirit of my Christmas now. If you can bring Mike back to our table, Harmony with him, heck even mum and dad I might for go the candles, till then......

Mal had his review today. He has had complete hearing loss on his left side since he got the shingles. Its a possibility that this is permanent damage. Something that will affect his career....ahh the hits just keep on coming.

Tomorrow would be our 5th anniversary. Its another of those timestamp moments you can't think about without the tag......its only 6 weeks till Mike has been gone 5yrs. It would be unfair to say Mike's death was the only factor in our seperate lives because it isn't, its just a symptom of a bigger problem.

Have Jeya with me tonight. She is a bright light in my dark day today. We made our first carmel macadamia slice...not so good, but watching her measure sugar, sift flour makes my heart lighter. She is in her bubble bath as we speak creating her princess crown of bubbles. PJ's baby powder and then dinner ..... ahh the simplicity of life with a cutie pie.

Tomorrow the love of Mike's life is visiting. Lauren and Mike were together for 10ys. She has moved on with her life, as many along this journey do. But she always touches base with Mikes family throughout the year..

Time to feed the almost 5yr old....Night Indigo's

[Guest msnher]

Remembering Ashley!!!! Amy, I'm holding you close in thought and prayer!

[Jeff's Mom]

ClarchK...thanks for the info. Anything that can help is worth a try.

Could barely get out of bed this morming. My heart ia actually hurting today. I mean it. Chest pains, etc. I have been walking around these past few days with a dull ache in my stomach wondering how I can possibly go on. I have no desire to try any longer. We did not go to the memorial last evening. It would have been a perfect night for it. Weather is still very good for this time of year. I would gone have in the past to support others...but this is my pain and I want to curl up in a ball today and not get up

I have not quite literallly done one thing for Christmas shopping. I have a new grandaughter anda three year old grandaughter that will be coming to the city for the holidays. Staying with DIL family. Don't even care about that. .Just want to give my son the money and tell him to do the shopping for me. I simply do not care. This is way too hard to get through.

[Jeff's Mom]

ClarchK...thanks for the info. Anything that can help is worth a try.

Could barely get out of bed this morming. My heart ia actually hurting today. I mean it. Chest pains, etc. I have been walking around these past few days with a dull ache in my stomach wondering how I can possibly go on. I have no desire to try any longer. We did not go to the memorial last evening. It would have been a perfect night for it. Weather is still very good for this time of year. I would gone have in the past to support others...but this is my pain and I want to curl up in a ball today and not get up

I have not quite literallly done one thing for Christmas shopping. I have a new grandaughter anda three year old grandaughter that will be coming to the city for the holidays. Staying with DIL family. Don't even care about that. .Just want to give my son the money and tell him to do the shopping for me. I simply do not care. This is way too hard to get through.

[ericasmom]

Things suck for a lot of folks right now and I am so sorry.

Kate, two year mark is a very hard mark indeed and for me, the hardest anniversary. All shock now gone and the hard business of living on is in place. One day, I swear, it will not be this awful, it will not hurt so badly. I remember the pain of loss, the physical ache in my heart, in my bones.

I have been needing more time to myself as well as the holidays come flying toward us. My only remedy for this is to carve out small times when you can be in communion somehow with nature. It is the sustenance of nature, the constant, the cycles of time that really re-set my spirit and remind me that we are here for a reason. We have a purpose that is embedded in our loss and we mine it from the dark and find it and shine some light on it if we can.

Trudi, I am so sorry that Mal's family causes so much upheaval and that his health is also in question now. I hope to heavens that his hearing does come back. HOw hard it will be for him to not be able to return to his job.

Give Jeya a big kiss and hug for making her Grandmom feel some gentleness to the day.

Lorri, how does today feel?

Amy, thinking deeply of you and hoping that you feel Ashley nearby.

[Guest msnher]

Hello Indigo's;

Susan, I am so sorry for the sadness of all the loss between you and Shannon's friend's mothers. I pray commaradarie, hope and strength will be found among all the tears that are sure to be shed. What you're dealing with your mother is hard enough without the added burden of grief on your shoulders. I don't envy the next few weeks for you...already been there, done that. I hope your siblings are supportive?

Diane, Rhonda - both of you are close in my thoughts constantly....sending prayers right now!

DeeThank you for recommending the book. I will download it to my kindle asap. I'm glad you enjoyed your day in the city. I, too, often find solitude and peace on the busy streets of the city. I shouldn't say "often", I should say once a year or so. Today is your Thanksgiving celebration with Jon and Shannon, isn't it?

Trudi, Wow, a complete hearing loss in his left ear! Now he can claim that he really didn't hear you. I think it will all work out. I think the upcoming holidays and Micheal's angelversary approaching is magnifying the sense of despair. I don't assume it's feasable for you to go to the ocean right now, but I wish you could for at least an hour or so. The water seems to always offer you a sense of peace and connection. As for your step children...I go through the very same thing with mine. It's a small pain in a long list of pains.

Lorri, Yes, my attitude has taken a deep dive as of late. Today my focus is to bring it back up or at least practice restraint of my tongue until I can play nice.

Kate, I think giving your son the money to buy what they want is a marvelous idea! I did that the first Christmas after Steph died with everyone but Steph's kids who live with us. I tried to make it as nice a Christmas for them as I could. You are in a similar place as Trudi. Be patient with yourself as the worst day of your life approaches. Stephanie's second angelversary was much more difficult than the first one. It was also a turning point in this new journey. Not a lot changed on the outside, but on the inside I didn't feel the depth of despair I had felt until then.

Well, with all the interruptions - kids, dog and cat - it has taken me almost a full hour to write this short post. My prayers are with all of you!

[Zoes_Momma]

Kate, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Unfortunately, I feel the same most days. It is so hard to explain to others my overwhelming sense of not caring. The grief you and I (and so many others here) are experiencing changes the way the world is colored. It is now so many shades of dull gray. I wish that I could take some of your pain away and allow you some peace, but all that I can do is tell you I understand your feelings and you are not alone. My heart goes out to you. izzi

[Zoes_Momma]

This is simply lovely. Thank you so much for posting this. izzi

[Zoes_Momma]

Hello fellow Indigoes. Well, I made it through Thanksgiving. The 2nd without my precious Zoë Elise. This year we had two dinners to attend: one at my mom's with my side of the family, and the 2nd at Aaron's, Zoë's widower (awful word, widower), and his family. Last year at Thanksgiving I said nothing as my turn to state what I am grateful for came around. This year I chose to start the Thanksgiving statements by saying how thankful I am to have Zoë as my daughter. I then thanked each member of my family for everything they did for me while Zoë was ill and after her death. I ended by telling her sister, my oh so precious daughter, Tyler, how much I love her and am grateful for our special friendship. I cried through the entire speech. I am still so very angry that life is what it is today.

The more time that passes since she died the more the "timeline" of our plans is at the forefront of my mind. You see, Zoë, Aaron, and baby Riley were planning to move from their home in Waco, TX to SLC in February of 2011. Zoë had called me one day and said that she missed me too much to live without me near. CA was too expensive for her and Aaron, but SLC was more affordable and my mom (Zoë's beloved Grandma Diane) lived here, too. She asked me if I would leave my home to come and live in SLC so that we could grow old together, as a family. She and Aaron had saved money and worked together to make sure there would be employment for him when they arrived. Tyler and I had agreed to move from our hometown in Santa Rosa, CA to SLC in September of 2010. That way we could be established and have a place for us all to share while Zoë's husband found work in SLC. The plan sounded so perfect. She and I had already planned out how to spend our 1st Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years', birthdays, etc. etc. etc. together. Instead we all moved here in August of 2010 and watched her die in front of us. Along with all of our dreams and plans.

No matter how strongly I felt that life, and the plans we make for our lives, were not a guaranty, I am now so bitter and angry that she is not here the way it was "supposed to be." Every holiday, every family event and dinner, every activity that we would have shared together is now tainted with an ugly coldness that I cannot shake. I wish that I could feel 100% happiness when these life moments happen, but without Zoë here to share them I so often wish they would just stop happening.

I used to be have a strong body/mind connection...now the world is black and I am disconnected. No rationalization and understanding of the world and the reality that all lives come to an end can supersede my anguish that things are not as they should be.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you Izzi, Dee and Susannah, for your support. I really appreciate it. Just before I leave for the Vet appt. I wanted to tell you of a dream I had last night. I have been so down this past several days. Jeff's anniversary date coming up and thinking of my mother-in-law that passed away May 30th. Before I headed to bed I said to Jeff how much I absolutely needed to feel a hug and needed some way to know he was ok. During ther night I dreamt that my husband was sitting in his favourite chair watching a hockey game. The wall beside him was made of glass and completely transparent. I looked and Jeff was standing behind that wall looking back at me. I called to my husband that Jeff was there and to look. He did not but continued to watch the game. So I called to Jeff to come and give me a hug. He walked over and held me and put his head on my shoulder. I could smell his hair and feel the warmth of his body and firmness of his hug. It felt so good and I said how much I had missed him and I was so glad he was back. The next thing I knew I was wide awake staring at the ceiling. It sure seemed real. The power of wishful thinking. I could have sworn he actually was there.

Wish me luck at the Vet's. This was Jeff's dog and she is a real sweatheart. Black lab that is so lovable that if a dog could smile this would be the one.

[Zoes_Momma]

I have had those moments when Zoë was here as well. I believe they are real...not wishful thinking. I am so very happy for you. What a precious moment. Love knows no boundaries.

Thank you Izzi, Dee and Susannah, for your support. I really appreciate it. Just before I leave for the Vet appt. I wanted to tell you of a dream I had last night. I have been so down this past several days. Jeff's anniversary date coming up and thinking of my mother-in-law that passed away May 30th. Before I headed to bed I said to Jeff how much I absolutely needed to feel a hug and needed some way to know he was ok. During ther night I dreamt that my husband was sitting in his favourite chair watching a hockey game. The wall beside him was made of glass and completely transparent. I looked and Jeff was standing behind that wall looking back at me. I called to my husband that Jeff was there and to look. He did not but continued to watch the game. So I called to Jeff to come and give me a hug. He walked over and held me and put his head on my shoulder. I could smell his hair and feel the warmth of his body and firmness of his hug. It felt so good and I said how much I had missed him and I was so glad he was back. The next thing I knew I was wide awake staring at the ceiling. It sure seemed real. The power of wishful thinking. I could have sworn he actually was there.

Wish me luck at the Vet's. This was Jeff's dog and she is a real sweatheart. Black lab that is so lovable that if a dog could smile this would be the one.

[ericasmom]

Those moments are REAL, those are visits, at least that is what I consider them to be, if I wake from a visit dream I feel wonderful all day long, as though Eri infused her energy into me, that is how I know the difference between visit dreams and dreams. ON the occasions that I have her near me while awake, I KNOW it and am so grateful for that. SO grateful.

Those of you newer on this winding path, well, all I can say is hang on, we can't give back what you so deeply want, nobody can, but one day you will be able to access the joy piece of your Child without the constant replay of the actual tragedy. Not completely without knowing that the tragedy piece is right next door to the good stuff, but you will one day find out how to access one without the other in a more spirtual way and you will begin to feel something close to healing, though healing is a word that offends many. I don't mean HEALED, these wounds are always wounds, but healing as far as finding yourself able to smile without forcing, laughing when something strikes you funny, and without as much of the anger that we all share when we lose our Child. Mind/body connection can be found again, but it may take a different path to finding it, you may need some help with that even as far as a class to find your ability to center your thoughts again. I do find being outside to be my great leveler.

I just peeled 16 or so potatoes, and another 8 sweet potatoes, baked pies and a cake last night, turkey all 23 lbs. of it are roasting brown and wonderful...

I wish everyone a dream visit, a sighting or a breath on the back of your neck that says, " Mom, Dad, I'm home."

[Chads Mom]

Amy: Thinking of you on Ashley’s special day. I hope you feel your daughters love and warm presence all around you…

[Jeff's Mom]

Those moments are REAL, those are visits, at least that is what I consider them to be, if I wake from a visit dream I feel wonderful all day long, as though Eri infused her energy into me, that is how I know the difference between visit dreams and dreams. ON the occasions that I have her near me while awake, I KNOW it and am so grateful for that. SO grateful.

Those of you newer on this winding path, well, all I can say is hang on, we can't give back what you so deeply want, nobody can, but one day you will be able to access the joy piece of your Child without the constant replay of the actual tragedy. Not completely without knowing that the tragedy piece is right next door to the good stuff, but you will one day find out how to access one without the other in a more spirtual way and you will begin to feel something close to healing, though healing is a word that offends many. I don't mean HEALED, these wounds are always wounds, but healing as far as finding yourself able to smile without forcing, laughing when something strikes you funny, and without as much of the anger that we all share when we lose our Child. Mind/body connection can be found again, but it may take a different path to finding it, you may need some help with that even as far as a class to find your ability to center your thoughts again. I do find being outside to be my great leveler.

I just peeled 16 or so potatoes, and another 8 sweet potatoes, baked pies and a cake last night, turkey all 23 lbs. of it are roasting brown and wonderful...

I wish everyone a dream visit, a sighting or a breath on the back of your neck that says, " Mom, Dad, I'm home."

Amy, thinking ofyou on this special day too

Dee, I can smell that turkey! The aroma is delicious.

Thanks, I feel as if the hug was an actual hug. I have only had one other occurence with him since his death. We were dancing at some function and again he held me close. It felt so good. Again, it was at a very down time for me. When |I told my husband this morming he did not push it aside. \he looked interested and told me he has had several dreams as well. They were both very close.

The visit to the vet went well. I learned how to give the insulin and it is a piece of cake. When we walked in the door the picture of Jeff that I keep on the mirror in our bedroom was sitting on the bed!!! Nobody here when we left. And a slight smell of his cologne. Wow, how is that for support? I feel so much better now.

[Guest msnher]

Kate, I absolutely believe your dream was a gift from your son. Accept it and hold onto it. Thank you for sharing it with us. It renews my hope.

[ericasmom]

Kate, love that Jeff's photo was a sign to let you know that he is with you and supports all you are doing.

[briansdad]

Sums up my holiday....

[Susie_q512]

Sums up my holiday....

Mine too

[daveydow1]

Susan----I'm sorry that your thanksgiving was so sad. I so know what you mean about being at

the wake of a young person.....only to lose your own child later on. My first cousin died in a fall

from a communication tower he was working on in Fla. I went to his funeral. 8 months later,

I was burying my own son, David. Little did we know. Sending thoughts & prayers, friend.

Kathy----Sorry that you are having trouble with BJ , and for the hurtful remark that he made.

I give you credit for standing up to him, though, and being determined not to enable him anymore.

Also......sending prayers for your friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer. Hoping the

treatment will make him well.

Trudi-----I, too, hope that Mal's hearing loss is only temporary. Prayers for his recovery.

ASHLEY-------ASHLEY-----ASHLEY-------SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU.

WISHING YOU PEACE, AMY.

Kate----What a wonderful dream you had of Jeff, and the sweet hug he gave you. Definitely

a good and positive message from your beloved son, that he is ok. Lots of luck at the vet's

today with your black lab. Pets are such wonderful comforters to a broken heart. I'm missing my cat, Brownie,

like crazy.

Izzi------So very sorry that all your plans for the family to live in Salt Lake City did not work out.

May your memories of your sweet daughter warm your heart, and ease your pain.

Dee-----YUM......I can almost smell that turkey roasting all the way here in Ohio. .....also, the pies.

Jon & Shannon and your husband will be delighted with your great dinner, I'm sure. Getting

very gray & gloomy again this evening. Guess rain is moving our way. Our local library did not

have the two books you recommended, but I can also try another larger area library. I checked

out a book on loss of a pet. This is the first time I have ever been hit so hard when a pet was

lost.

Lorrie-----Yep !!!! Count me in as one whose mood is not the greatest, and I feel I could also just.....WIG out.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - Been one of those days when I just should have stayed in bed - I am sad, angry, leave me alone, I don't give a crap, want to cry, want to scream kinda day.....aaaarrrrgggghhhh !!!!

So I will just say hello and love you all - Kathy

[summergirl]

ASHLEY, ASHLEY, ASHLEY....SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD ALWAYS.

Thinking of you Amy and sending hugs to you....

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan----I'm sorry that your thanksgiving was so sad. I so know what you mean about being at

the wake of a young person.....only to lose your own child later on. My first cousin died in a fall

from a communication tower he was working on in Fla. I went to his funeral. 8 months later,

I was burying my own son, David. Little did we know. Sending thoughts & prayers, friend.

Kathy----Sorry that you are having trouble with BJ , and for the hurtful remark that he made.

I give you credit for standing up to him, though, and being determined not to enable him anymore.

Also......sending prayers for your friend who has just been diagnosed with cancer. Hoping the

treatment will make him well.

Trudi-----I, too, hope that Mal's hearing loss is only temporary. Prayers for his recovery.

ASHLEY-------ASHLEY-----ASHLEY-------SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU.

WISHING YOU PEACE, AMY.

Kate----What a wonderful dream you had of Jeff, and the sweet hug he gave you. Definitely

a good and positive message from your beloved son, that he is ok. Lots of luck at the vet's

today with your black lab. Pets are such wonderful comforters to a broken heart. I'm missing my cat, Brownie,

like crazy.

Izzi------So very sorry that all your plans for the family to live in Salt Lake City did not work out.

May your memories of your sweet daughter warm your heart, and ease your pain.

Dee-----YUM......I can almost smell that turkey roasting all the way here in Ohio. .....also, the pies.

Jon & Shannon and your husband will be delighted with your great dinner, I'm sure. Getting

very gray & gloomy again this evening. Guess rain is moving our way. Our local library did not

have the two books you recommended, but I can also try another larger area library. I checked

out a book on loss of a pet. This is the first time I have ever been hit so hard when a pet was

lost.

Lorrie-----Yep !!!! Count me in as one whose mood is not the greatest, and I feel I could also just.....WIG out.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Thanks Sherry, the thing is I am so afraid people will think I have totally lost it. But I can say without hesitation that the dream was so real. Except for the fact that he was not like he was at the end. But a few years ago when he was at his happiest. More youthful somehow. He could not have been more relaxed and peaceful. It is me that is so distraught. He tried to console me,. " Mom, It's Ok, he said." It really is.

[aim630]

Dan-Thanks for the beautiful picture of Ashley. You are so creative, and never forget our angel's special days.

Everyone else, thanks for remembering Ashley's 25th birthday.

Thinking of you all as we get through the holidays.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[lolynbo]

DIDN'T POST MUCH LATELY. THINKING OF ASHLEY ASHLEY ASHLEY.

COLD WINDY AND DRIZZLY HERE. WENT TO CEMETERY AND THE BOW HAD BLOWN LOSE FROM KOURTNEYS FLOWERS. HOPE IM CRAFTY ENUFF TO FIX IT

PLANS FOR TOMARROW IS TO WEAR OUR. WEAR GREY IN MAY SHIRTS. ME KIMMY KODY CODY AND DAD. TO CEMETERY AND HAVE FAMILY PIC MADE. WITH KOURTNEY ON HEADSTONE FOR MY WEAR GREY IN MAY FB PAGE. IF WEATHER COOPERATES

HAVE BLESSED NIGHT

[Susie_q512]

Amy - Held you close to my heart today as you remembered Ashley's birthday. Hoping you found some measure of peace and joy in the memories of your time with her.

Martha - I am so sorry that I did not acknowledge Rob's special day. I did see the posts, and I did hold you close and prayed for you. I should have acknowledged it personally, but I think it was a little to "real" that day for me to do it. I remember thinking, "One day, it will be Shannon's special day", and I couldn't handle that thought....so, I played the coward and signed out. Please forgive me.

Kate - I have also been having a rough time. I understand how "physical" the pain can be....wish I could curl into a ball and just hibernate or cease to exist. Hoping that it gets easier and more bearable for you soon. I think of each of you as dates approach and arrive.....knowing that my turn waits for me. From what I have gathered so far, it seems the 2 year mark is very difficult for many. I still cannot fathom that amount of time, but know that it will come....Oh, how I dread the time. I am very happy for you that you had your dream visit and the photo being moved onto the bed.....I am a firm believer that this was indeed an actual visit and sign. I think of these moments as "Mercy Gifts".

Colleen - I also wrestle with the contradiction of head knowledge and heart knowledge. I often wonder what the outcome would be should the two ever meet and become one?

Polly - The fox that has been seen at or near Chad's burial site is truly a sign to you and others. Hoping you find comfort and joy in that knowledge.

Izzi - You are so right in describing the colors of our world being colored differently now. No more bright and vibrant colors, only a dullness, like they have lost their life as well. Dull and gray and dreary. I wonder if they will ever be beautiful again? I am also struggling with anger, bitterness and coldness....it has settled around me and in me. We have lost our plans, our dreams, our hopes for the future for our children and the experience of sharing life with them. It is a robbery. I cry for what Shannon has lost, for what I have lost, for what her sister has lost......and I am very angry. I see the wicked live, sometimes long and prosperous lives of destruction, and I question why the good die? I will NEVER understand it.

Nick's Dad - Thank you for always remembering the special dates of the Angels here.....gifts from you that are filled with such thoughtfulness and kindness.

Lorri - I thought of you on Thanksgiving Day while I was visiting Shannon's grave (I hate that word)....remembered you commenting about visiting Kourtney and covering your mouth to keep from screaming. I just buried my face in the ground and screamed. I couldn't stop the sounds from escaping me, nor did I want to. Think I could have stayed there and screamed for hours had dinner not been in the oven back at the house. As far as being in a bad mood, I'm absolutely there. I'm angry and sad and I want my girl back. I resent all the happy people going about their happy and complete lives. I hate the seasonal decorations and commercials and sales papers and music. I dread all the "Merry Christmas" wishes that (innocent) people will make to me. It's not their fault that Shannon is dead, but I will probably want to punch them in the face whenever I hear those words. I am practicing my "proceed with caution" stare so that maybe "the look" will be all it takes to make people close their mouths before those words spill out. I was never this way before. I don't like this new part of me, but it is what it is, and I am what I am.....at least for now.

I am happy for all of you that found some pleasure in celebrating Thanksgiving. I felt dead inside, except for the pain and anger. For those struggling with this terrible loss, with troubles within your families, with illness that threatens, I pray for you and hold you always in my heart.

My facebook status sums up where I am tonight:

Went by a consignment shop and purchased some frames for Ragan so that she can put some pictures of Shannon in her room. While I was in line, the lady in front of me was causing a ruckus because a hat that she wanted to purchase didn't have a tag on it, therefore it couldn't be sold to her at that time. I waited patiently for awhile, but then my blood began to boil. I didn't mean to express myself, but before I knew it, words were flying out of my mouth. "Nine weeks ago yesterday I buried my 16 year old daughter. THAT is something worthy of bitching about !! Whether or not you can buy a "used" hat today is nothing.....try burying your kid !! " After a few I'm sorry's, the young male associate asked if I had had a good Thanksgiving week....REALLY???? The young lady helping me looked at him like he had 2 heads and said, "Probably not." I just looked at him and said, "No. The last 9 1/2 weeks have pretty much sucked, and now the holidays are here. I think it'll be a few years before I can use the word "good" to describe anything in my life." Before I left, I remembered my manners and thanked them and told them all to have a nice evening.

[Guest msnher]

I'm sorry, I haven't read any posts, but I have to stop by to tell Dee I am engulfed in "The Language of Flowers". I'm sure I will be up all night reading. Hope your dinner is going well.

Love to all of you!

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my indigo family: I am sorry that I haven't been on, helping my "family" through this holiday...some of you experiencing for the first time the day without your angel, and some of us, having gone through it before, knowing what to expect, and yet, not knowing how we will feel on that day. We had a quiet Thanksgiving, and the worry that lives like a parasite in our brains right now was put aside for a few hours. Cathi was here, as planned, with Jamie, and Davis came by, though was pretty sullen the whole day, and so we just tried to bring him out of his funk, but didn't make a big deal of it. Events later in the evening were upsetting involving him, but we got through them and through the night. We had intended to have Damon over today for a few hours of some fun, but his mom called and said he has the sniffles and is coughing, and we just can't take the chance that Ralph will catch something and not be able to do the tests he may have to do next week, so we had to pass on his company. We did have Jamie and Kameron here on Friday for a few hours, and Cathi and I actually got to spend some time together. We went to an al-anon meeting, and then went to a chinese restaurant for an hour or so. It was good to be with her and to feel her company and her warmth. I count my blessings that she is near and we are close.

There have been so many posts over the past couple of days and my mind is reeling so I think I will just let you all know that you have been in my prayers and thoughts and I am so sorry for those new to this who are having such a difficult time. Susan, Greg, Kate(your dream was a visit, for sure...how wonderful for you), Izzi (very, very sorry that your plans did not work out for your move and your new life with your daughter and her family near...such sadness in your heart), Colleen, Kathy, Lorri, and all who have expressed their pain over these last few days...I hold you close and dear in my heart.

AMY: I am so very sorry I didn't come to put a message to Ashley and to you. I hope that you felt your sweet angel near you as she likely celebrated with all of our angels, her 25th birthday. My heart holds you near.

Trudi: So very sorry for Mal's hearing loss and I pray that things will clear up for him, and that some of the neuralgia he is experiencing will be alleviated.

Sherri: I had an experience of going to a funeral such as yours...my younger brother died in January of 05, and Mike came to the funeral with us...first time ever he had been to a funeral for a member of my family. (all the other times --my mom and dad, my sisters, we were out of the country). He and I discussed how short life really can be and how important it can be to do those things you really want to do. (My brother and his wife did a LOT of traveling and she had pictures of their trips scattered about the rooms.) Four months later, Mike was told that he had an incurable cancer that he would die from. We got 17 months after that, but it was so surreal that we had discussed such things just a few months before he was diagnosed.

Dee: I do hope that your dinner went very well, but I am sure it did...with you and John as hosts and your wonderful son and new daughter-in-law as guests, how could it not? I love that you share your traditional day after Thanksgiving with us...I love your telling us of the wreaths being placed about the lions necks and then your walking amongst the crowds and doing some shopping. I feel as though I am there with you.

Susan: I am so sorry about your encounter at the consignment shop. Yes, it is very difficult for us to tolerate the rantings of others over insignificant things that mean so little now. As for your hating the word "grave," I am with you on that. We do not call it Mike's grave. We refer to it as Mike's memorial site. I guess it came about mostly because he is not buried there. We sprinkled some of his ashes into the ground under the stone we had placed, and from the beginning we referred to it as a memorial site for him. Being in the cemetery can be a difficult thing for many. I've heard mothers say that they want to lie down on the ground, and cover the site with a blanket so their angel will not be cold. Surreal thinking? I think not...it is the thinking of a parent who has lost a part of their heart and "rationality" does not exist for them at some points.

Greg: How is Alyssa doing? Is she excited about the upcoming holidays? I know that you are feeling very down right now, and I pray that being with Alyssa will help to lighten the burden weighing down your heart right now. May Brian send you a sign that leads you to a better time.

my love to all of my indigo family and prayers for strength.

[Guest msnher]

Sherry - Losing a pet isn't like losing a child, we all know that, but it is a significant loss. When I am reunited with my daughter I hope she is holding little Claws with all the dogs I've lost over the years in tow. We love our dog, Shelby, and Jasmine's new kitten, Peanut. They have brought joy, comfort and loyalty into a harsh world. If they go before we do, and we hope that will be the case, we will feel real grief. I'm just telling you I understand.

Susan - What you want to bet that lady doesn't buy the hat at all...and, if she does she will be too afraid of running into you to wear it? This is the best story, yet, for our book that I hope Dee will write someday. As long as my line, "God bless the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid" makes it in its' pages, I'm okay.

Trudi - Mine and Gary's 5th anniversay will be December 9th. He, more than I, have really had the opportunity to prove whether we really meant the vows we made that day. Congratulations on surviving five tough years still married!

Kate - Yep. I'd say your Jeff is definitely letting his mom know he's still with you! So, so cool!

Dee - I couldn't take it. I never can. I hate it about me. I get so caught up in the story and my eyes won't stay open any longer but there's no way I can close them until I know they all make it through okay. Yes. That's me. I cheat and read the end of the book a lot! I will go back and pick up where I left off...before I cheated...but knowing the end will help me sleep. I AM ready to buy a paper copy of flowers and their meanings so I'll be prepared to plant them come spring. Yes, I think I will turn our whole yard into a garden and give all of it meaning.

Peanut is purring loudly and rubbing his head into my chin telling me its time for bed, so I bid you all goodnight.

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Carol, seeing your post reminded me...for some reason I missed your Happy Thanksgiving message...I just got it today! I found it on our way to a dinner party so I had planned to send you a note afterwards. Although our paths are different they seem to run parallel. Cindy, my daughter in law (whom I adore) and I went to an Alanon mtg today too. We both left feeling differently than when we went in. She felt like she found a place where she belonged with people who understood and I walked out realizing I had to mind my own business, but be available if needed. Shoot. This morning I was ready to pay for a lawyer for her myself...stipulating that she gets us in the divorce. Turns out there isn't going to be a divorce and if there is it's their's to work out. After Curtis found out that I'm aware of the very naughty boy he's been lately, however, and that we both went to an alanon mtg, he has been sweet as candy to Cindy.

My thoughts and prayers remain with you and Ralph. I sure love you, my friend!

[Guest msnher]

Carol, seeing your post reminded me...for some reason I missed your Happy Thanksgiving message...I just got it today! I found it on our way to a dinner party so I had planned to send you a note afterwards. Although our paths are different they seem to run parallel. Cindy, my daughter in law (whom I adore) and I went to an Alanon mtg today too. We both left feeling differently than when we went in. She felt like she found a place where she belonged with people who understood and I walked out realizing I had to mind my own business, but be available if needed. Shoot. This morning I was ready to pay for a lawyer for her myself...stipulating that she gets us in the divorce. Turns out there isn't going to be a divorce and if there is it's their's to work out. After Curtis found out that I'm aware of the very naughty boy he's been lately, however, and that we both went to an alanon mtg, he has been sweet as candy to Cindy.

My thoughts and prayers remain with you and Ralph. I sure love you, my friend!

[ericasmom]

Glad Susannah tha tyou love the book, me too. I love the whole idea of the language and the meanings. I will soon put pink carnations on Eri's grave, as I have in the past for their color adn ability to live long, but now for what they mean, REMEMBERING.

Dinner was lovely, absolutely wonderful. John makes a great turkey. Going to the gym and then school work all day long. Greg, so good to see you yesterday, the music fit the mood. Thanks

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello my indigo family: I am sorry that I haven't been on, helping my "family" through this holiday...some of you experiencing for the first time the day without your angel, and some of us, having gone through it before, knowing what to expect, and yet, not knowing how we will feel on that day. We had a quiet Thanksgiving, and the worry that lives like a parasite in our brains right now was put aside for a few hours. Cathi was here, as planned, with Jamie, and Davis came by, though was pretty sullen the whole day, and so we just tried to bring him out of his funk, but didn't make a big deal of it. Events later in the evening were upsetting involving him, but we got through them and through the night. We had intended to have Damon over today for a few hours of some fun, but his mom called and said he has the sniffles and is coughing, and we just can't take the chance that Ralph will catch something and not be able to do the tests he may have to do next week, so we had to pass on his company. We did have Jamie and Kameron here on Friday for a few hours, and Cathi and I actually got to spend some time together. We went to an al-anon meeting, and then went to a chinese restaurant for an hour or so. It was good to be with her and to feel her company and her warmth. I count my blessings that she is near and we are close.

There have been so many posts over the past couple of days and my mind is reeling so I think I will just let you all know that you have been in my prayers and thoughts and I am so sorry for those new to this who are having such a difficult time. Susan, Greg, Kate(your dream was a visit, for sure...how wonderful for you), Izzi (very, very sorry that your plans did not work out for your move and your new life with your daughter and her family near...such sadness in your heart), Colleen, Kathy, Lorri, and all who have expressed their pain over these last few days...I hold you close and dear in my heart.

AMY: I am so very sorry I didn't come to put a message to Ashley and to you. I hope that you felt your sweet angel near you as she likely celebrated with all of our angels, her 25th birthday. My heart holds you near.

Trudi: So very sorry for Mal's hearing loss and I pray that things will clear up for him, and that some of the neuralgia he is experiencing will be alleviated.

Sherri: I had an experience of going to a funeral such as yours...my younger brother died in January of 05, and Mike came to the funeral with us...first time ever he had been to a funeral for a member of my family. (all the other times --my mom and dad, my sisters, we were out of the country). He and I discussed how short life really can be and how important it can be to do those things you really want to do. (My brother and his wife did a LOT of traveling and she had pictures of their trips scattered about the rooms.) Four months later, Mike was told that he had an incurable cancer that he would die from. We got 17 months after that, but it was so surreal that we had discussed such things just a few months before he was diagnosed.

Dee: I do hope that your dinner went very well, but I am sure it did...with you and John as hosts and your wonderful son and new daughter-in-law as guests, how could it not? I love that you share your traditional day after Thanksgiving with us...I love your telling us of the wreaths being placed about the lions necks and then your walking amongst the crowds and doing some shopping. I feel as though I am there with you.

Susan: I am so sorry about your encounter at the consignment shop. Yes, it is very difficult for us to tolerate the rantings of others over insignificant things that mean so little now. As for your hating the word "grave," I am with you on that. We do not call it Mike's grave. We refer to it as Mike's memorial site. I guess it came about mostly because he is not buried there. We sprinkled some of his ashes into the ground under the stone we had placed, and from the beginning we referred to it as a memorial site for him. Being in the cemetery can be a difficult thing for many. I've heard mothers say that they want to lie down on the ground, and cover the site with a blanket so their angel will not be cold. Surreal thinking? I think not...it is the thinking of a parent who has lost a part of their heart and "rationality" does not exist for them at some points.

Greg: How is Alyssa doing? Is she excited about the upcoming holidays? I know that you are feeling very down right now, and I pray that being with Alyssa will help to lighten the burden weighing down your heart right now. May Brian send you a sign that leads you to a better time.

my love to all of my indigo family and prayers for strength.

Carol and all my indigo friends. So many personally to reply too and no time today. Ralph...did you manage to clean the carcass from that bird ? You are like me, I love the drumsticks, wings, etc! Best part is the next day eating the leftovers.

Dee sounds as if things are really busy in your neck of the woods these days. I'll bet you are counting the days until holiday time!

Well, must get moving. Hugs to all and thinking of you. BTW... first attempt at injection for dog this morning went really well! She is slowly improving...sure is worth the effort to see her happier.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Carol, so good to see your post, and I so wish that Davis was more able to allow some jovial family time again. I stand beside you as you use the strength of ten-thousand to be able to care for him with your heart and use your brain to say no to him. SO HARD but so important. What he does with this is up to him, I know you know, but just a reminder when you begin to feel guilty for his lifestyle.

No Kate, I don't look forward to the holidays though working with kids does indeed make it poignant and special. It all moves too fast and I love teaching so I am looking forward to having several full weeks with the kids. They make my heart work better, make my mind clear the cobwebs and focus on the NOW of things. What a gift that is. We have much to do to ready for the holidays for sure.

Right now my sweet Eddie Vedder is singing one of his new songs with his ukelele. Oh how he rocks me in his words and sentiment.

[Jeff's Mom]

Amy - Held you close to my heart today as you remembered Ashley's birthday. Hoping you found some measure of peace and joy in the memories of your time with her.

Martha - I am so sorry that I did not acknowledge Rob's special day. I did see the posts, and I did hold you close and prayed for you. I should have acknowledged it personally, but I think it was a little to "real" that day for me to do it. I remember thinking, "One day, it will be Shannon's special day", and I couldn't handle that thought....so, I played the coward and signed out. Please forgive me.

Kate - I have also been having a rough time. I understand how "physical" the pain can be....wish I could curl into a ball and just hibernate or cease to exist. Hoping that it gets easier and more bearable for you soon. I think of each of you as dates approach and arrive.....knowing that my turn waits for me. From what I have gathered so far, it seems the 2 year mark is very difficult for many. I still cannot fathom that amount of time, but know that it will come....Oh, how I dread the time. I am very happy for you that you had your dream visit and the photo being moved onto the bed.....I am a firm believer that this was indeed an actual visit and sign. I think of these moments as "Mercy Gifts".

Colleen - I also wrestle with the contradiction of head knowledge and heart knowledge. I often wonder what the outcome would be should the two ever meet and become one?

Polly - The fox that has been seen at or near Chad's burial site is truly a sign to you and others. Hoping you find comfort and joy in that knowledge.

Izzi - You are so right in describing the colors of our world being colored differently now. No more bright and vibrant colors, only a dullness, like they have lost their life as well. Dull and gray and dreary. I wonder if they will ever be beautiful again? I am also struggling with anger, bitterness and coldness....it has settled around me and in me. We have lost our plans, our dreams, our hopes for the future for our children and the experience of sharing life with them. It is a robbery. I cry for what Shannon has lost, for what I have lost, for what her sister has lost......and I am very angry. I see the wicked live, sometimes long and prosperous lives of destruction, and I question why the good die? I will NEVER understand it.

Nick's Dad - Thank you for always remembering the special dates of the Angels here.....gifts from you that are filled with such thoughtfulness and kindness.

Lorri - I thought of you on Thanksgiving Day while I was visiting Shannon's grave (I hate that word)....remembered you commenting about visiting Kourtney and covering your mouth to keep from screaming. I just buried my face in the ground and screamed. I couldn't stop the sounds from escaping me, nor did I want to. Think I could have stayed there and screamed for hours had dinner not been in the oven back at the house. As far as being in a bad mood, I'm absolutely there. I'm angry and sad and I want my girl back. I resent all the happy people going about their happy and complete lives. I hate the seasonal decorations and commercials and sales papers and music. I dread all the "Merry Christmas" wishes that (innocent) people will make to me. It's not their fault that Shannon is dead, but I will probably want to punch them in the face whenever I hear those words. I am practicing my "proceed with caution" stare so that maybe "the look" will be all it takes to make people close their mouths before those words spill out. I was never this way before. I don't like this new part of me, but it is what it is, and I am what I am.....at least for now.

I am happy for all of you that found some pleasure in celebrating Thanksgiving. I felt dead inside, except for the pain and anger. For those struggling with this terrible loss, with troubles within your families, with illness that threatens, I pray for you and hold you always in my heart.

My facebook status sums up where I am tonight:

Went by a consignment shop and purchased some frames for Ragan so that she can put some pictures of Shannon in her room. While I was in line, the lady in front of me was causing a ruckus because a hat that she wanted to purchase didn't have a tag on it, therefore it couldn't be sold to her at that time. I waited patiently for awhile, but then my blood began to boil. I didn't mean to express myself, but before I knew it, words were flying out of my mouth. "Nine weeks ago yesterday I buried my 16 year old daughter. THAT is something worthy of bitching about !! Whether or not you can buy a "used" hat today is nothing.....try burying your kid !! " After a few I'm sorry's, the young male associate asked if I had had a good Thanksgiving week....REALLY???? The young lady helping me looked at him like he had 2 heads and said, "Probably not." I just looked at him and said, "No. The last 9 1/2 weeks have pretty much sucked, and now the holidays are here. I think it'll be a few years before I can use the word "good" to describe anything in my life." Before I left, I remembered my manners and thanked them and told them all to have a nice evening.

Susan...I am so sorry that you are having a hard time as well. I hope that one day you will see the beauty in colours again and you will see Shannon in the beauty of a rainbow. This is going to be a really tough period for you and the family over these next few weeks. The first's of everything can be so difficult. And seconds, thirds, etc. In truth, it never gets better...it just becomes different. Yes, people do make some really thoughtless remarks. I remember the time my father died I was pretty young. He died suddenly of a heart attack and I was 20 years old. My parents had just sold their home and had moved into an apartment. Dad was not able to climb stairs, etc. I sat in the front entrance of the apartment building with my boyfriend(now husband) asI needed to be away from all the people in my Mom's apartment. This woman walked in and took a look at me as she waited for the elevator. She said to me, "Why don't you try smiling, you look as if somebody just died!" "Well, I said they did. My Dad!" She nearly dropped. Sometimes people can be flippant, but do not actually mean to say what comes out. I am so touchy these days when I feel someone does not respond as I would like. I'm not sure if everyone here would agree with me in that Christmas seems to be the hardest to get through. Is it because it is celebrated over such a long, long period of time? I mean the decorations, adds on Tv, etc, everything seems to go on and on forever!!!

And face it...years of memories of Santa and the whole bit with our kids is something that you don't just easily stick on the back burner. I mean, we make our best effort for EVERYONE else, but what are" they" actually doing to help us over this period? I speak for myself...not much! If anything! So, I am so grateful that I have you as friends to listen to me rant on good and bad days.

Dee...just thinking some time with John would be nice over the holidays. Glad your dinner was a success. Well, our home team is playing in the Grey Cup in Vancouver in a few minutes. Must run and catch the opening stuff.

Greg...good to see you back!

Susannah...I did not know that about pink carnations. Hope to pick up probably red ones for the site for the 12th. if we can get into the trail. It all depends on the snow.

[mysonrich]

[summergirl]

Kate - Props to you for "letting it out" in the consignment store !! So many things that we just cannot tolerate anymore, all of the things that are so trival. There was a day when I would have just laughed at the woman about the hat but NOW well I probably would have done the same thing you did. How much we change after losing a child, our whole way of living, thinking, doing....I am sorry that it happened to you but also glad you "said it outloud"...

Carol - thinking of you and Ralph as always and praying....

Suzannah - sounds like a great book you are reading....I must try it.

Tavian came home last nite about 9, his grandmother called and said he wanted to come home - of course I said bring him home. He was so happy to get here and was very huggy and loving all night...he and I stayed up and watched tv till midnight - he started to drift off so got him to bed. Funny how hubby and I need a break and then when we get it all we want is for him to come back home...Today I took him and his friend Will fishing for a bit as it was a beautiful day, almost 70 !! Crazy for almost being December....but not complaining.

Jessica has been on my mind so much, I do not cry, I cannot cry, I just cannot stop thinking about her....I was cleaning the pictures I have hung up on the walls the other day - there is one of Jess and her dad and as I was wiping it down my hand went along her arm and it was almost as if I could feel her skin, just for the briefest of moments but so real....I took a deep breath and just stood there staring at her and wondering WHY all over again.....

Prayers, Strength and Love to all, Kathy