Loss of an Adult Child

[sadmomm]

HEllo Indigos Reading everyones posts and everyone feels about the same. The pain from the guilt is very intense. The pain is the worst i have ever felt in my life. And it ebbs and flows. I wake up every morning with it on my mind. It is very painful it actually wake me up. I want to live for the other kids but am barely making it through my day. I want to leave this place. it is not home. I left home and guiding my child which obviously he needed. and time spent. now this place seems like you know what. it is so lonely. so isolated. I was such a fool and i see every mistake i made. unfortunately don't feel that enabled to change it. He my ex says we will move when my daughter graduates from high school this year. .... i am glad i am here to share with you guys. i can see we are all in a very different life than where we were. happy thanksgiving. carrie

[Jeff's Mom]

HEllo Indigos Reading everyones posts and everyone feels about the same. The pain from the guilt is very intense. The pain is the worst i have ever felt in my life. And it ebbs and flows. I wake up every morning with it on my mind. It is very painful it actually wake me up. I want to live for the other kids but am barely making it through my day. I want to leave this place. it is not home. I left home and guiding my child which obviously he needed. and time spent. now this place seems like you know what. it is so lonely. so isolated. I was such a fool and i see every mistake i made. unfortunately don't feel that enabled to change it. He my ex says we will move when my daughter graduates from high school this year. .... i am glad i am here to share with you guys. i can see we are all in a very different life than where we were. happy thanksgiving. carrie

Sorry to see you are having such a hard time. I just finished reading all the posts from last evening. I am still trying to get to know people on this site. Many I know the names of but have forgotten their personal stories or family names. PTSD can do that to you. I frequently draw a blank or feel dissociative in some ways. Other times I am awash with memories that are crippling.

I know this much...I could not go through this alone. I feel as if I am walking up a very steep and winding hill that has many twists and turns. One day I'm good and the next...well, you know. Yes, our lives have been forever changed by what we have experienced. My heart goes out to so many that are dealing with other serious issues as well in their personal lives. Carol and Ralph...love the pic! How I wish I could ease some of this burden for you. Please know that I am praying and sending the best vibes I can your way.

I did have a nice day yesterday. But today I woke up feeling bottomed out again. Perhaps it will lighten up a little once the holidays are over. I can't seem to begin to find a new way of celebrating Xmas. I am still locked in the past and years of family. This is all so strange to me to be alone. So in many ways it's doubly whammy..losing Jeff and now feeling as if I have let the family down.

Had a lady ask me a few weeks ago if we were going to sell this place. Said people were talking about how surprised they were that we could live in here after what happened. And get this...to expect difficulity in selling as somebody killed themselves in there! NICE! Well, I can honestly say.GO take a hike! Not moving anywhere and NO this place is NOT haunted! Sickos! The only feeling we have in here is good.

Well here I am rambling. Sorry to read of the young woman that died of breast cancer. Sure hope they find a cure soon. Definitely sending prayers to each and everyone on this site that is in need of affection and support. Wish I could do more.

Kate

[shorty16]

Just a hello to my Indigo friends.

I am OK, but having a difficult time with the holidays - like I am sure the rest of you are.

I think of you-all everyday and our angels.

Take care my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[designer2]

It is so hard without my "bubby", I miss him so. I devoted my life to him for 27 years, and we were just two peas in a pod. We were our family. Now I am so alone that I'm terrified and I don't know how to be. I have never experienced this kind of pain (always gnawing at my heart just below the surface). Even before my son died I was on medication for anxiety disorder, and now it is a constant battle to feel functional. I hate my life now, but I have no choice except to go on. I sat in his room and looked on his computer for the first time on Saturday and found music that he mixed; I never realized that he had such talent for creating music! One song was titled "I ain't never gonna die", I know that I shouldn't have put myself through that, but it was something of Dylan's that was left for me, and it was hauntingly beautiful. My son was somewhat shy and unpretentious that it is kind of startling to find this song titled the way it is. Oh, I have so many regrets, I wish I had paid more attention to who he really was! We were just becoming friends. Only God knows...

[daveydow1]

Cynthiag-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Dylan. We here at BI (formerly call Beyond Indigo),

never really want to have new parents come on, because we know the reason is loss of a child. But, this is

a good place to come and just read/post your feelings, and everyone here understands the devastation of

losing a beloved child. Please come back to BI. Peace to you, friend.

Colleen----Good to see dear Brian's smile. Sorry that you have been having a rough time of it......and the

approaching holidays only adds to the sadness, I know. Thoughts & prayers.

Kate-----I, so understand the awful ups & downs that strike on this lousy raod we're on. So difficult &

painful, I know. May you somehow find some peace & comfort.

Carrie------Sending thoughts & prayers your way. Sorry for the pain you feel, that wakes you up. May

your good memories of your son find their way to soothe your heart.

Trudi----Glad to hear that your husband is on the mend. Prayers for him, and for Melissa too.

Sorry to hear of your dear co-worker's death. She sounds like she was a very warm and kind woman.

May she rest in peace.

Carol------Yes----we had Brownie when Dave was still with us. When he lived with us the last 2 yrs. of his

life, he worked the 3-11 shift, and Brownie would wait on him.....then he would play with her when he came home late. After he

passed, she would not sleep downstairs where his bedroom was at......she then climbed the stairs to

go up where the rest of us slept. Man......I miss her so much. Thanks for the great pic of Ralph.

I know that it must be so difficult to try to remain positive about Ralph's health, but I think it is a good

thing to do if you are able. Of course, the fears still intrude, for sure. I'm praying hard for a good outcome

for you, Ralph and your family. The rules you have set down for Davis are entirely reasonable...... sending prayers for him.

Rhonda-----I'm sorry that you are in that 'black hole'. To top it off......with the holidays coming up, ...it can

get to be too much, and then we can slip back. Yep......I understand how you can't shop without thinking

of Westley so much.....it's only natural. I still can't go into stores without thinking about Dave, and how

he would comment on this or that . The holidays are so difficult. Praying that you will be feeling better

soon. Wish there was something I could say to help. Just know that I am thinking of you, friend.

Lorrie-----Another sign from sweet Kourtney......for sure. Who can explain these quirky little things that

pop up on electronics. Once, I was tuning the radio......trying to find something to listen to late at night,

when I came upon an area that had a sound like a heartbeat. Just a steady regular heartbeat.

Dee------Colder here today. It goes back & forth. Yesterday in the 50's......today barely above 40, gloomy

and rainy. How was your dinner with Jon & Shannon..?? ( sorry if I somehow missed a post that you might have

told of the glad reunion with them).

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

It is so hard without my "bubby", I miss him so. I devoted my life to him for 27 years, and we were just two peas in a pod. We were our family. Now I am so alone that I'm terrified and I don't know how to be. I have never experienced this kind of pain (always gnawing at my heart just below the surface). Even before my son died I was on medication for anxiety disorder, and now it is a constant battle to feel functional. I hate my life now, but I have no choice except to go on. I sat in his room and looked on his computer for the first time on Saturday and found music that he mixed; I never realized that he had such talent for creating music! One song was titled "I ain't never gonna die", I know that I shouldn't have put myself through that, but it was something of Dylan's that was left for me, and it was hauntingly beautiful. My son was somewhat shy and unpretentious that it is kind of startling to find this song titled the way it is. Oh, I have so many regrets, I wish I had paid more attention to who he really was! We were just becoming friends. Only God knows...

Oh Cindy, you are not alone. Your "Bubby" Loves you still and he knew how much you loved him. I know how hard it is to live without the one we felt a maternal love for and need to protect. Your love shouts out in your post. He is in a better place without pain and suffering. And he knows how much his Mom loved him. You will be reunited again one day. That is my own personal belief and that is what keeps me going. It sounds as if Dylan was quite the artist in his love for music. My Jeff was a huge lover of music as well. Sensitive souls I called them. Stay strong, my friend. You are going to find a way out of this pit. And you will carry Dylan's memory and love with you and hold it high.

Kate

[mikesmomrs]

Just a quick note to all...the hospital called this morning and we are to be there at 9am for an appt with the surgeon, then the ocologist, then the radiologist. I guess they got the biopsy results, eh? I keep telling myself that maybe they decided it was pretty small and early, so they want to go in and get it, or they are all going to tell us that "No, he is not a candidate for the surgery." My brain flooded with thoughts of everything!

I did manage to talk to my sister today. I spoke with my SIL this morning, after the phone call from the hosp, and she said that she really thought I should tell her. It is true what my SIL said; Dorothy has always been sort of the Matriarch of the family, and with me being the "baby," she and I have been really close, and she would want to know. So, I called her. She actually did thank me for calling to let her know, but of course, she was pretty upset. (I think I had posted earlier that her husband died of pancreatic cancer, so I was fearful of the doors that would open for her. I am glad that I called her, though, it was good talking to her and hearing her words of encouragement.

We want to thank all of you, again and again, for all of your prayers, good thoughts and love and support. Some people say that "words" are just that, "words." But, oh, words from those we love and care about are always balm, living in our hearts whenever we need to pull on them for comfort or strength. Your words mean a lot. All of them. Always.

love from us,

Carol and RAlph

ps: Bubby's mom: I am so sorry for your loss. I know that you have come to a good place, where people truly understand and offer the comfort, love and support that helps us through this life after we've lost a huge part of our heart. Please tell us more about your sweet son when you can. I love it that he was talented with music...he had to have had a sweet heart.

Col: Glad to hear from you. Sending love.

[lolynbo]

Lorrie-----Another sign from sweet Kourtney......for sure. Who can explain these quirky little things that

pop up on electronics. Once, I was tuning the radio......trying to find something to listen to late at night,

when I came upon an area that had a sound like a heartbeat. Just a steady regular heartbeat

WOW HOW NEAT...I CANT DO HEART BEATS MY HEAD WAS KOURTNEYS CHEST WHEN I HEARD HER LAST ONE...

TRIXIE SUE WAS MY SISTERS DOG SHE GAVE US AROUND 8-11 YRS OLD AND CAME TO OUR HOME WITH AN ATTITUDE AND WAS VERY GRUMPY....SHE MELLOWED OUT THE LAST FEW YRS AND DIED A SWEET LIL GIRL

PRINCESS IS KOURTNEYS BB GIRL THE BLACK AND WHITE SHITZU THATS AFRAID OF THUNDER AND LIGHTING...LOL

[ericasmom]

Lorri, those messages are what Kourt figures can let you know that she is near, never far, always loving you, her best friend. I love it!

Cynthia, I am so sorry for your Loss of Dear Dylan. Your heart is shattered right now, we know having pieced the pieces back as best I could of my own heart...My Girl died 8.5 years ago, so I am one of the OLDIES on the site here to hold the hands of the Newbies as they come to find us here as well as to be a part of a family of sorts. THe folks here are friends over the years that really get what we come to this place with. Hang on to us as you can and tell us more about you and about Dylan. We have many Angels that are big music fans as our many of we parents. How old was your Boy when he passed away? My Girl was 19.

Many of us post several times a day, you will learn our names in due time, don't worry yourself over that, just read and post when you want. We are an active site probably the most active at posting than any other. Sometimes we chat, so if ever you want to chat and you are posting, tell us and if we are right there at the moment then we can join you. This grief is the worst kind of pain, but I am here to tell you that you will not always hurt this deeply, one day in the far off distance, you will begin to heal and begin to feel some light again. Promise.

Carol, I am so sad that you received a call that kind of tells you that it is time to think about this Now. But I am glad too that the docs are being proactive. Hang on Sister, this is going to be a lot of energy and worry and I wish that I could come be with you while you are in waiting rooms and such. What hospital and will you set up those pages to communicate again?

Please give Ralph a big old hug from me and tell him that being afraid is normal, he has many angels on his side watching over him and you.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, yes we had a lovely dinner with Jon and Shan. I made a cherry pie, a big favorite here and it was well appreciated. We heard many funny stories of their trip, many pretty places that they visited and had adventures with. Snorkling, zip-lines, biking and horse back riding...so many wonders to see in this world, I am so glad that they saw these with one another.

What will you be doing for Thanksgiving Sherry?

[Jeff's Mom]

Just a quick note to all...the hospital called this morning and we are to be there at 9am for an appt with the surgeon, then the ocologist, then the radiologist. I guess they got the biopsy results, eh? I keep telling myself that maybe they decided it was pretty small and early, so they want to go in and get it, or they are all going to tell us that "No, he is not a candidate for the surgery." My brain flooded with thoughts of everything!

I did manage to talk to my sister today. I spoke with my SIL this morning, after the phone call from the hosp, and she said that she really thought I should tell her. It is true what my SIL said; Dorothy has always been sort of the Matriarch of the family, and with me being the "baby," she and I have been really close, and she would want to know. So, I called her. She actually did thank me for calling to let her know, but of course, she was pretty upset. (I think I had posted earlier that her husband died of pancreatic cancer, so I was fearful of the doors that would open for her. I am glad that I called her, though, it was good talking to her and hearing her words of encouragement.

We want to thank all of you, again and again, for all of your prayers, good thoughts and love and support. Some people say that "words" are just that, "words." But, oh, words from those we love and care about are always balm, living in our hearts whenever we need to pull on them for comfort or strength. Your words mean a lot. All of them. Always.

love from us,

Carol and RAlph

ps: Bubby's mom: I am so sorry for your loss. I know that you have come to a good place, where people truly understand and offer the comfort, love and support that helps us through this life after we've lost a huge part of our heart. Please tell us more about your sweet son when you can. I love it that he was talented with music...he had to have had a sweet heart.

Col: Glad to hear from you. Sending love.

Ralph and Carol..although I have never actually met you... I feel as if I know you fairly well from reading the posts. Now Ralph, I want you to stay strong and keep a positive attitude. We are all behind you all of the way! Carol, please post if and when you are able.We are all anxious to hear how both of you are doing. Stay strong and look after yourself as well. (HUGS)

Kate

[rlolheiser]

Carol, I am thinking of you and Ralph, your in my heart always. Sending you both love and prayers. Your amazing people with an amazing angel watching over you.

Cindy, sorry you have to be here, but it is a wonderful place to share our angels. I hope I don't overstep my bounds here, but you say only God knows.. I think your Bubby knows too.. he knows you loved him and loves you in return, I feel deeply your find on the computer is his way of letting you know.

I have been doing my winter cleaning. Instead of spring cleaning, it is how I deal best with the holidays. I never thought about it before, I let the house go all year (just doing what I have to) and then bang.. I clean top to bottom, I am sure everybody is happy it is finally getting done.

I hope all of you are doing well. I know it gets difficult at times. In case I don't get back on until after my trip to see my daughter, I wish you all strength and a closeness to your angels.. how I love them all.

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

thinking of Carol and Ralph as they make their way to the appointments that will spell out the next several weeks and I am sending huge prayers and hope.

It is a gray day, rainy and the trees are allbut down by now. I walked over lunch just to get that perspective I need to ground me for the afternoon. The kids are hyped as they have no school until Monday after today while we have an institute day with a speaker that costs a fortune from a big multi-million dollar company and hired to give us a pep-talk to build morale. REALLY? What we would love in a year that has our pay frozen and tax payers raised taxes to support the deficit our district has incurred, to not see stupid spending and instead spend that money on our own team building activities and curric. training where there has been none. OHHHH, i am getting bitter.

dee

[westleysmom]

Dee-It's crazy what some people think motivates other people. Big bucks on "motivational" speakers when there were no pay raises at all? And there were still tax increases? I went to eat lunch at the day care with my granddaughter and the 3 year olds were pretty wound-up too. I can imagine that your bunch is just bigger and bouncing off the walls harder. I am trying to feel better and have invited CJ to eat lunch with us on Thanksgiving. His family is getting together on Saturday, the family that he lived with most of his life. But I thought it might make us both feel better to spend Thanksgiving where Westley would have been. I miss him so much, I have been just in puddles almost all of the past few days, it just comes on me and I can't stop it. Everything makes me cry, even like you said cotton commercials. Oh and coffee commercials and telephone commercials. But I'm trying to get through it the best way I can. It's all anybody can do.

Carol and Ralph-You are both in my thoughts and prayers as you find out more about what you're dealing with. Hugs to you both and all of your family.

Leah-Winter Cleaning sounds like a great idea. I hope that you don't overdo and that you take a little time out for you.

Sherry-I am going to do a little shopping for CJ this year. I know he needs some shoes and a watch maybe. Mostly he needs to get all of his court costs paid off, but that is going to take a long time. I am still trying to help him keep his head above water on the various debts that he has. He is working almost every day, it is very hard if he sleeps late or feels bad in the morning, because he still doesn't have a car and if he misses his ride, he misses the whole day of work. It helps me to feel better to help him, but I don't want to do too much and prevent him from 'growing up' and accepting responsibility for his choices. It is such a fine line.

I hope that all of you are doing as good as you can today and that you feel your angels close by

[mikesmomrs]

Just want to let u know we just left the hospital after being there for over seven hours. Everyone was so nice and kind and most importantly, optimistic albeit guardedly. Will fill u in more later this evening. He does indeed have pancreatic cancer but they r very optimistic abt options. On our way to the truck I was going to go get it and pick Ralph up at the door but he said no, he wld come with me. On our way, we were discussing what the docs had said abt our options. When we told got to the truck, the car parked next to the truck had license plates that read "LPFAITH."

Will post more details later.

[mikesmum]

Just want to let u know we just left the hospital after being there for over seven hours. Everyone was so nice and kind and most importantly, optimistic albeit guardedly. Will fill u in more later this evening. He does indeed have pancreatic cancer but they r very optimistic abt options. On our way to the truck I was going to go get it and pick Ralph up at the door but he said no, he wld come with me. On our way, we were discussing what the docs had said abt our options. When we told got to the truck, the car parked next to the truck had license plates that read "LPFAITH."

Will post more details later.

Carol ~ What a great sign. So glad to hear the meeting with the Drs gave you some positives. Thinking of you both

Cooler here today. Been house bound this last week and think cabin fever is setting in. Getting much done in the garden and around the house. The neuralgic pain from the shingles isn't easing for Mal but he is up and about more.

Peace

[aim630]

Carol-I'm glad the doctors are optimistic, and there goes Mike sending you signs again! He is telling you to be faithful and never give up hoping for the best outcome. Sending hugs to you and Ralph. since they did catch it early, I'm hoping there will be a lot of treatment options.

Rhonda-I know what you mean about crying at the least little thing. Yesterday was very stressful at work, basically I am the go-to person for a lot of the newer people. I had so much going on yesterday, plus a horrible headache, and I couldn't keep anything down, plus Saturday is Ashley's 25th birthday, plus the holidays, you all know what I mean. First thing today my boss yells at me for not following through on something. I immediately burst into tears, and she told me to knock that crap off, and leave her office until I could get myself under control. I mumbled something about this being a hard week as it is Ashley's birthday. I went into a stall in the bathroom and locked myself in there until the maintenance man kicked me out so he could clean. My boss then hugged me, but never really apologized for yelling at me. This is the one who is extremely religious and never misses church. She was on her office floor a couple of weeks ago bawling just thinking about her dog dying. I love my pets, and will cr and be sad when they die, but can't she understand this is my child. Of course once I start crying, I can't stop, all day...Westley is very proud of you for helping his friend CJ.

On a bright note, Katie and Jeff are on their way home, and should be here within the hour.

Thinking of all of you as we face the holidays...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[daveydow1]

Lorrie----Poor 'Princess'.....being so afraid of storms. That was how my cat was also. She would head for

the small walk-in closet in my bedroom when she heard thunder. Do you still have "Princess" now?

Dee-----Such a nice dinner with cherry pie for dessert, with Jon & Shannon there. They must have

had a wonderful time in Hawaii, and will always remember it. I know what you mean about school

districts spending money foolishly, and going 'hat-in-hand' to the taxpayers for more money with levies.

The district (where we used to live) had an addtional levy (asking a sizeable amt.)

voted down for the third time. While times were good, and money was supposedly flush....they would

spend, spend, spend. Then the voters got tired of it. Now, they are having to bite the bullet with layoffs etc.

Sorry that your district saw fit to hire hig-priced speakers, when there is so much need elsewhere in the

system. I can see your frustration. We will be going to Becky's for Thanksgiving, and my older

daughter is going too. Becky lives about 40 mi. from us. I will be baking the pumpkin pies, and taking baked corn

pudding, as I usually do. Today it's Gloomy...GRAY....dark . Sort of matches my mood.

Carol------Sending thoughts, prayers, and hope for a good outcome for your dear husband, Ralph.

Leah----I wish I had more energy for house cleaning, but don't have it right now. Your house will be

sparkling for the upcoming holidays. Wishing you better times in the days ahead, friend.

Rhonda-----Sorry that you are crying so much lately, but I do understand. The Holidays can send us into

a tailspin......that's for sure. Missing your dear Westley makes the gaiety of the Christmas seem somehow

out of kelter, doesn't it ? You are right to try and have a balance with CJ. It is hard to do, I know.

Amy-----Sorry that you've been under such stress lately, with dear Ashley's birthday coming up, and all

the stress at work....including your boss putting you down and no apology from her. She cried about

her dog dying.......??.......and believe me,....I cry about my cat who died just a wk. ago, too......but the loss of

a pet...while very sad......does NOT compare with the devastation of losing a beloved child. I'm sorry, Amy.

I hope that things will level out a bit at work, so that you can devote the needed time to grieve, and reflect

on your sweet girl, Ashley. It's nice that Katie is coming home from college to spend the holidays with

the family. Peace to you.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Amy, I'm glad your boss apologized. I'm too mad at her right now to make any other comments.

Carol, LPFAITH. Too cool!!!

Amanda called me this evening. Turns out she spent the day in Concord at Dartmouth, too. Dr Kenneth Deloge will be putting a pacemaker in her on December 1st. Last week she called to tell me they thought she had brain cancer. Today we found out it isn't cancer. I can't remember what she called it. It isn't M.S. but is treated with the same medicine used for M.S. The spots on her brain have something to do with her nerves and spine. I was so overwhelmed when she was telling me all of this I didn't retain it all. She and Bryan are planning on getting married June 9th. This will be her third marriage and his first. We did the whole big wedding thing for her the first time which only lasted a month or so - he was sleeping with her best friend...they were all just 18 or 19, I think. She and her second husband had a very quiet wedding. We loved him very much. Amanda went through a very hard time after her inside pouch was put back on the outside of her, forcing her to wear a bag again. And, he turned to her best friend (different best friend) for comfort. They both made my you know what list real fast. Anyway...we're happy she's happy now. But, I asked her if she had a choice between us being there for the wedding or just giving her the money it would take for us to come, which would she choose. She said, "The money." Smart girl! She told me his dad offered them some money to elope. I told her we'd match it. LOL Bryan wants to elope. It's his mother that wants the wedding. She's already making me nuts about it. She sent me an email and signed it "Love, Amanda". I answered it thinking I was talking to my daughter. It was about what dress I was going to wear to the wedding...It was innocent enough, but it rubbed me wrong! She gets along well with her future mother in law. And, that's all that matters....

Anyway, my 32 yr old daughter does not have brain cancer, which we were sure she did (I didn't want to say anything). But, she does have spots on her brain, not MS, but the MS medicine should help it. And, she has to have a pacemaker. I was scared at first but she and Gary both calmed me. Gary said I could fly out there but it's next week and the surgery is supposed to be minor and only take about 30 minutes. Amanda said she would call me as soon as it is over and I said "you will call me before you go in!" And, I told her to make sure the doctor and hospital know that if anything happens they are to call me. We'll see if I can NOT be there.

It will be good because it will regulate her heart beat so they can fix her ostomy and back. With her low heart rate they can't operate on her now.

Well...thanks for listening.

[ericasmom]

Listening to GIVEN TO WINGS right now and smiling that we have such powerful Angels watching over us. Carol, your Angel Boy is carrying you and Ralph through this storm as best he can, letting you know that you need to believe, how wonderful of him and of you to watch for and notice the signs.

Amy, that boss should have a video of her actions, she might be amazed at her shortcomings. So glad that Kate will be home soon, give her extra hugs from your BI family.

Rhonda, I am thrilled that your reaching out to CJ over the holiday in addition to all you have already done...and that it makes you feel a bit better or to have a bigger purpose, so good. I know we just cannot predict how we are going to be through all of the glitz and glimmer of the holidays but one day the confusion there will subside some. I get much more tearful for sure, but I am more able now to make decisions that determine what I will and will not do for the holidays and that alone feels empowering. I will be ge4tting on the train on Friday morn and go downtown to witness those old lions in front of the Art Institute receive their wreaths. That is a tradition I began after Eri died, I go by myself and join the hundreds on the walkway surrounding the museum, a stranger in the midst of many, and I love it. I cry, but I don't care if it is funky. I usually then take a stroll through the museum and then go walk around through the gardens surrounding the lakefront or I go ice skating alone. I cry then too, thinking of all the times I skated away my hurt as a child and the joy I had skating with my children.

Sherry, so glad that you will take your specialties to your Girl's home and that your Older Girl will also attend.

Susannah, God Bless your Amanda that she get the care she needs to make her life a bit easier than it has been. breathe.

[mysonrich]

I'm so sorry Indigo's. Its been a bad few weeks for us all. After endless prodding today in an ongoing problem with a co-worker , ( its not just me) I went into my supervisors office today and stated, “ I come in here everyday and do the best job I can for you and if you think my work sucks , there is nothing else I can do about it”. On the verge of tears while I watched a couple jaws drop and heads spin. Holding myself together she said “ I don't think you suck.I think you are a true professional” We talked. Maybe there is a solution to this problem.

This I know is a by-product of what has been happening at Aunties. I haven't said anything out of respect for her but I think she is manic. I have such a difficult time keeping up with her. I clean and take out trash and clean,clean,clean. Sometimes I just try to walk around with blinders on. She gets really bad around holidays and this Thanksgiving she has 18 people coming over. Last Christmas or Thanksgiving I had the kitchen just about finished, just needed to mop the floor. The living room was almost ready. Understand, she gets 5 billion pieces of junk mail a week. I go into the living room to vacuum and it looks like a tornado went through. She had stuff allover the place because she now needed a checkbook that she didn't need. Now, today, its started in the kitchen. The closer we get to the holiday the worse it gets. I really can't keep up and told her DIL this. For my own sanity, I am sane right?, tomorrow I will hop on a train and let her children handle this. I know I am rambling but this is truly very very difficult.

On top of that I have this irrational fear ,but not totally unfounded, or not, that someone has gone into the chest that holds Richie’s ashes. They are in an urn inside an antique chest and I Feel that something was different last time her one set of kids made a visit. The one DIL even said she was in my bedroom and this really creeps me out. They may just be super nosy but come on!

I'm sorry. Thanks for listening.

Carol, you and Ralph are in my thoughts and prayers. I escaped this last Saturday to Old New Castle, Delaware. Very old colonial town on the River and as I was walking you both came into my mind. Maybe you passed by on your trip back home from Va.

Dee, Philadelphia Flower show 2012 in march is Hawaiian theme. It really is so good to read of the terrific time Jon and Shannon had.

Kate, it was a few months after Rich died and someone commented on how well I was handling his death. I wasn't. I was still in shock and denial trying to absorb his death and that he will never be back.I may have appeared upbeat but when I fell, I fell hard. The hardest part of that persons comment was that it came from someone that also lost a child. The comment felt like such an insult to my son's memory. As if I could get over his life and death quickly. As if he was not important to us. So I understand that what may appear to be upbeat is sometimes a wall against reality. IN my case at least.

Amy,Rhonda,Trudi,Sherry,Leah,Cindy,Lorri, everyone, This sucks.

[lolynbo]

Lorrie----Poor 'Princess'.....being so afraid of storms. That was how my cat was also. She would head for

the small walk-in closet in my bedroom when she heard thunder. Do you still have "Princess" now?

SHERRY YES SHES 7 HER AND HER BROTHER AVERY BOTH LIVE WITH ME...THEY WILL BE 8 IN JAN..I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I NO THEY ARE JUST DOGS BUT I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON THEM...BAD BREATH AND ALL...AND I DONT MIND THEIRS EITHER LOL...

MONTYS MAKING BUTTERMILK PIES, THE ONES KOURTNEY ALWAYS MADE FOR HIM....SURE WISH SHE WAS HELPING....

IVE DECIDED PPL NOT TO THINK OF THE "EMPTY CHAIR"...CUZ OUR ANGELS DONT NEED A CHAIR THEY FEAST EVERY DAY AT THE BEST OF THE BEST...AND CAN DANCE ON THE TABLES....

HUGGS TO ALL HOLD TIGHT ONE HOLIDAY ALMOST OVER WITH...

[summergirl]

Carol - so happy for the "good news" and the wonderful sing LPFAITH....that is just too cool. I will keep you and Ralph in my prayers that the doctors are right and they caught it in time...many hugs to you my friend.

Susannah - I am also very happy about your daughter....my sister-in-law had a pace maker put in and it was a simple quick proceedure but that is not how it feels as the mom, always that "worry" know matter what. Sounds like a nice plan for the wedding....simple. Nice to know that you can say "that is all that matters" about the soon-to-be mother-in-law....she rubs me the wrong way just by doing it to you.....

Amy - what a terrible thing for your boss to do - I also am very angry at her and if I was there I would give her a good smack down !! Yes, I loved our lab Kaylie and cried terrible when we had to let her go but I would do it a million times over to have my Jessica back !! There are always gonna be "those people" along this path and the longer you travel it the easier it becomes to wear the "armor of steel"...I have found that the things that people said or did to make me cry in those early years have no effect on me now....I forgive but I NEVER forget. There is one thing I do know for sure and that is NOTHING in this world that anyone can say or do will ever hurt me as much as losing my Jessica. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time and belive me we all understand.....it will be 6 years for me and I still have days of nothing but crying - many hugs to you and may your days get a bit brighter.

Well, Tavian is at Damien's house for a sleep over as I have to work tomorrow and school is out... He will be going to his OTHER grandma's for Thanksgiving and he is actuall happy about it....the girls are home from college and they are having a large family dinner with alot of his cousins so he will be a very busy boy. I will miss being with him but do not want him at my mother-in-laws house as there is nothing for him to do there and no other children AND do not want him spending the day with in a house filled with tension....My sister-in-law has not talked to me for a long time, no idea why and at this point don't really care - BUT it will be hubby and I, sister-in-law and hubby and their son and his girlfriend so all in all it doesn't sound like a fun time to me.....I really want to stay home but hubby said we HAVE to go as his mom is all alone since his dad passed 3 years ago....Well, I feel all alone to sometimes since my Jessica is gone and why should I have to go spend a day with people that don't talk to me......but I love hubby so will do my duty and leave as soon as possible.....Thanks for listening, needed to get that out...

I will say goodnight and talk to all tomorrow......I am gonna try to post a pic of Tavian of before and after the "hair cut" - Yes, he got all his beautiful curls cut off, I cried and he loves it !!!!!! He looks so different and I just keep saying those curls will grow back... Love and Peace to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kathy, glad that Tavian loves his new hair cut, I do love his curls but the boy is growing up and needs to make some of these decisions now. HOw is his new school so far?

Betsy, I am sorry for the exhausting time of it with Auntie. I would probably go nuts taking on the anxiety and mania from another, and yes, it seems the best thing to do is let her Kids deal with it. I would be creeped out as well had someone been in my room without a reason or an invite. I am glad that your boss let you know what she really was thinking of your work, good for you. You are carrying so much with you as you deal with this co-worker and your Aunt is winding up for the holidays. Have a fun time with Sarah Betsy and let everything else go if you can.

Lorri, what a great way to look at where our sweeties are, dancing on the tables indeed, and flying free. Hey, remember the first time Monty made the pies without sugar wasn't it? Can you re-post your recipe? Maybe we should all post our favorite dish or desert for the holidays.

Love to you All,

[mysonrich]

Dee, It's good to know someone gets this situation . The anxiety does flow over to me and I find myself very breathless and stiff at these times. I'm the one that needs the nerve pill. I explained to her DIL again that I tried and I now understand why most of her kids have pulled away,but ultimately it is their responsibility And, if I should move ? Someone told be to write up a list and under one heading,” not my problem”, this would be written. I love my aunt dearly but now see part of the problem, Actually I have dealt with this for over a year and just stayed quiet about it.

Kathy, Tavian does look grown up with-out his curls,but this summer, they will be back!

I took Rich for his first official haircut at the local barbershop, Tonys. I wish I took a picture. Rich's back was to me during most of the time,me sitting with “the men”, it was an all guy barbershop. When Tony spun Rich around in the chair to face me ...Surprise! Where is my baby?

Rainy day here.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy, you said, "Kate, it was a few months after Rich died and someone commented on how well I was handling his death. I wasn't. I was still in shock and denial trying to absorb his death and that he will never be back.I may have appeared upbeat but when I fell, I fell hard. The hardest part of that persons comment was that it came from someone that also lost a child. The comment felt like such an insult to my son's memory. As if I could get over his life and death quickly. As if he was not important to us. So I understand that what may appear to be upbeat is sometimes a wall against reality. IN my case at least" Well said. I fell hard, too. I feel for what you and your cousins are going through with your aunt. I had my sister's support when it came time to make some difficult decisions about my mother, but the decisions were left up to me. Very hard time. I'm glad your boss understands what an asset you are to your work place.

Kathy, I love Tavian's new haircut! I sure wish I had his curls. Soft and beautiful.

[lolynbo]

KOURTNEYS BUTTERMILK PIE

1 9" UNBAKED PIE CRUST

2 EGGS BEATEN

1 CUP WHITE SUGAR

3/4 CUP MELTED BUTTER

1/4 TEASPOON SALT

1 TABLESPOON ALL PURPOSE FLOUR

1 CUP BUTTERMILK

2 TEASPOONS VANILLA EXTRACT

PREHEAT OVEN TO 350'........PLACE BEATEN EGGS IN MEDIUM BOWL. GRADUALLY BEAT IN SUGAR, STIR IN MELTED BUTTER, SALT, FLOUR, BUTTERMILK AND VANILLA EXTRACT...MIX TIL SMOOTH...POUR INTO PIE SHELL....BAKE FOR 50 MINUTES REDUCE HEAT TO 325, AND BAKE 10 ADDITIONAL MINUTES...PIE IS DONE WHEN TOOTHPICK IS CLEAN IN CENTER

KOURTNEY USE TO MAKE THIS FOR HER DAD....SHE GOT TO DO IT FOR ABOUT 2 HOLIDAYS...(2 YRS)...SO THE YR AFTER KOURTNEY DIED MONTY DECIDED HE WLD MAKE THE PIES (HE ALWAYS DOUBLES IT)....TOOK IT TO HIS SISTERS HOUSE DISPLAYED THEM WITH PRIDE....BROTHER IN LAW TOM TOOK A BITE AND SPIT IT OUT....MONTY FORGOT THE SUGAR SOME HOW......HE BLAMED ME, BUT I STAYED OUTTA THE KITCHEN SO I WLDNT BOTHER HIM SO I NO IT WASNT ME...HE SWEARS TO THIS DAY HE PUT IN THE SUGAR......KOURTNEY SHOWED HIM WHOS THE COOK...

[ericasmom]

THANKS Lorri, super. I hope that the skies are blue and that the sun is shining on you today.

Well leaving school now, with much of next weeks reading lessons planned so that is good. Michigan aunt and uncle in (husband's side) and staying at our house, so must go now.Happy pretty day to All.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I love Tavian's haircut. I do love the curls (Jess's curls), but yes not a baby boy any more. Caleb (8yr) had his first 'hairdresser' cut last week. Picking him up from school I watched as this little man walked the crossing. Taller, more confident and changed in appearance. His two front teeth are now down filling his face more. But that smile and those blue blue eyes....can't fool me that my baby grandie Caleb Brian!

Betsy - I love the idea of a list headed "NOT MY PROBLEM". As the holidays approach (we dont' get Thanksgiving and for that I'm thankful), Mal's youngest boys GF wants to 'lock in' for Christmas. Told her, "can't, Mal's sick, I don't care, my kids are with in-laws". She told me to call her when Mal is ok and we'll 'do Christmas'.

Carol & Ralph - Thinking of you both. I know the visit to the specialists was a positive one and hope that you are able to build from there.

Lorri - I so believe Kourtney was there....like in a movie, just watching over her dad and with a wave of a hand and a giggle the sugar was gone. They are 'her' pies!

Thanksgiving I think is tomorrow for you all. Can't begin to imagine another celebration where family and friends gather....another 'missing you' moment.

Borrowed this from a post on FB. It goes in someway to explain why these holidays are hard on us all

No matter how your child dies, there is an undeniable sense of failure among bereaved parents. We carry that guilt in our already shattered hearts, and we relearn every morning when we wake up that the loss of our children is something we will never get over. Or past. Or through. ~ Linton Weeks

[ericasmom]

What a gorgeous quote Trudi, really pertains to us all each day. I sat today with 750 others through what I found to be a monotonous and poorly timed motivational inservice, but nevertheless, and I watched the man in the row in front of me, just a few seats to my left: His name is Earl and he is a custodian at our school, facing his first Thanksgiving without his Son who was shot to death in Chicago this summer. His 18 year old gone, he has faced what we do but is so unable to talk about it, and there he sat, once in a while a smile to the corners of his mouth as the speaker hit a note of funny to him...or he was putting on the face while others laughed. Today on the news, another family faces life without their college Boy as he was shot to death in DeKalb, (60 miles from here where Northern Illinois University stands) he was at an off-campus party last night where he exchanged some words with another young man. Apparently the other man found a way to shut the 22 year old up, and now his parents are facing the sad facts of loss. The shooter is still on the loose, so able to get a gun, so able to end a conversation and disappear in the night. And now parents and siblings will forget how to sleep at night, won't know how to work the same way, eat, enjoy, communicate...I HATE GUNS< I HATE THE ACCESSIBILITY OF THEM and I HATE THAT FAMILIES HAVE TO WONDER WHY SOMEONE WAS ABLE TO CARRY THAT INTO THE DAY, because if they hadn't, their kid would be at the table tomorrow.

Sorry, my view on gun control is clear, we lose so many kids and young people each day due to the easy access to these horrid in a moment you are gone tools. What other purpose do they have?

Trudi, thank you for that quote, I didn't mean to rain on like that, but oh! I am glad that you don't feel compelled to lock in a date for the son-in-law and gf. Time to just ease into the days as Mal repairs.

Lorri, I remember how I laughed when the pies were delivered to the table and were without sugar adn I wholly agreed then and now, an Angel had her hand in the sugar bowl to be sure. So great that she showed you she was near and then again recently with the electronics.

Susan, Kate, Polly, and all those newish to this place, are you hanging on? Can we do anything to help you through these holidays?

[aim630]

Kathy-Tavian looks so grown up now! Bittersweet, I'm sure. I got tears in my eyes when I read about the couple who unselfishly decided to help you make this a good holiday for Tavian. It does make me feel good to know for as many mean unthinking people there are some good ones out there.

Lorri-Kourtney's pie sounds wonderful, I'll have to try it. Funny, the trick she played on Monty, with a gleam in her eye. I love how she sends you messages on your phone!

My boss apologized profusely today. I think sometimes she "forgets", because I guess I have put a "wall" up, which I have to do to function. I think that is why I collapse every night and don't want to do anything, because I've pretended all day, and that uses all my energy. I am still hurt she took her anger out on me regardless of whether she knew I was upset about Ashley or not. One of the other dept heads noticed me crying yesterday, and made a point to ask me if I was ok today. That made me feel better.

Well I hope everyone has the best Thanksgiving they can, especially the parents who are going through their first holiday season without their angels. Like Lorri said, they are dancing on the tables!

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmum]

Dee ~ I'm with you on the gun thing. Here it would seem that the way to 'shut someone up' is by walking away then king hitting them. Once on the ground the 'mob' mentality sets in with those 'close' friends who are 'protecting' the honour of the one believed to have been wronged. I'm more up for a game of walk away no speaks. Those who haven't died from these senseless attacks usually part of a party or night of drinking, are forever handicapped...a different kind of loss.

I have to admit, I read that note on FB and thought 'you're preaching to the choir'. Those who need to get the message that dead is a forever nothing like you've ever experienced unfortunately live in that world of 'can't happen to me'. We unfortunately know it can..

Mal worse today than he has been since this started. He's worried that this neuralgic pain that comes with shingles is permanent. Back to Drs sat.

Sun is shining here. Warm mild day with the light breeze. New seed in the bird feeder, grass cut, edging done, now for the dusts and clutter of the inside

Here are some of the pics from our albeit brief trip to the Alpine High country

After the bushfires the trees are bleached white by the snow and winds of winter.

This stone viewing platform sits on the edge of an escarpment that falls away to nothing..

This is the view of the Alpine region of my state Victoria into the next New South Wales..

This is one pooped pup and one sick husband on the way home...

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee ~ I'm with you on the gun thing. Here it would seem that the way to 'shut someone up' is by walking away then king hitting them. Once on the ground the 'mob' mentality sets in with those 'close' friends who are 'protecting' the honour of the one believed to have been wronged. I'm more up for a game of walk away no speaks. Those who haven't died from these senseless attacks usually part of a party or night of drinking, are forever handicapped...a different kind of loss.

I have to admit, I read that note on FB and thought 'you're preaching to the choir'. Those who need to get the message that dead is a forever nothing like you've ever experienced unfortunately live in that world of 'can't happen to me'. We unfortunately know it can..

Mal worse today than he has been since this started. He's worried that this neuralgic pain that comes with shingles is permanent. Back to Drs sat.

Sun is shining here. Warm mild day with the light breeze. New seed in the bird feeder, grass cut, edging done, now for the dusts and clutter of the inside

Here are some of the pics from our albeit brief trip to the Alpine High country

After the bushfires the trees are bleached white by the snow and winds of winter.

This stone viewing platform sits on the edge of an escarpment that falls away to nothing..

This is the view of the Alpine region of my state Victoria into the next New South Wales..

This is one pooped pup and one sick husband on the way home...

That is one very relaxed pup sitting on his lap. Hope tomorrow is a good one for you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Kathy-Tavian looks so grown up now! Bittersweet, I'm sure. I got tears in my eyes when I read about the couple who unselfishly decided to help you make this a good holiday for Tavian. It does make me feel good to know for as many mean unthinking people there are some good ones out there.

Lorri-Kourtney's pie sounds wonderful, I'll have to try it. Funny, the trick she played on Monty, with a gleam in her eye. I love how she sends you messages on your phone!

My boss apologized profusely today. I think sometimes she "forgets", because I guess I have put a "wall" up, which I have to do to function. I think that is why I collapse every night and don't want to do anything, because I've pretended all day, and that uses all my energy. I am still hurt she took her anger out on me regardless of whether she knew I was upset about Ashley or not. One of the other dept heads noticed me crying yesterday, and made a point to ask me if I was ok today. That made me feel better.

Well I hope everyone has the best Thanksgiving they can, especially the parents who are going through their first holiday season without their angels. Like Lorri said, they are dancing on the tables!

Amy/Ashley's mom

Amy...glad things worked out on a positive note at the office. Have a great day tomorrow!

[Jeff's Mom]

What a gorgeous quote Trudi, really pertains to us all each day. I sat today with 750 others through what I found to be a monotonous and poorly timed motivational inservice, but nevertheless, and I watched the man in the row in front of me, just a few seats to my left: His name is Earl and he is a custodian at our school, facing his first Thanksgiving without his Son who was shot to death in Chicago this summer. His 18 year old gone, he has faced what we do but is so unable to talk about it, and there he sat, once in a while a smile to the corners of his mouth as the speaker hit a note of funny to him...or he was putting on the face while others laughed. Today on the news, another family faces life without their college Boy as he was shot to death in DeKalb, (60 miles from here where Northern Illinois University stands) he was at an off-campus party last night where he exchanged some words with another young man. Apparently the other man found a way to shut the 22 year old up, and now his parents are facing the sad facts of loss. The shooter is still on the loose, so able to get a gun, so able to end a conversation and disappear in the night. And now parents and siblings will forget how to sleep at night, won't know how to work the same way, eat, enjoy, communicate...I HATE GUNS< I HATE THE ACCESSIBILITY OF THEM and I HATE THAT FAMILIES HAVE TO WONDER WHY SOMEONE WAS ABLE TO CARRY THAT INTO THE DAY, because if they hadn't, their kid would be at the table tomorrow.

Sorry, my view on gun control is clear, we lose so many kids and young people each day due to the easy access to these horrid in a moment you are gone tools. What other purpose do they have?

Trudi, thank you for that quote, I didn't mean to rain on like that, but oh! I am glad that you don't feel compelled to lock in a date for the son-in-law and gf. Time to just ease into the days as Mal repairs.

Lorri, I remember how I laughed when the pies were delivered to the table and were without sugar adn I wholly agreed then and now, an Angel had her hand in the sugar bowl to be sure. So great that she showed you she was near and then again recently with the electronics.

Susan, Kate, Polly, and all those newish to this place, are you hanging on? Can we do anything to help you through these holidays?

Thanks Dee, for thinking of us. I appreciate it! I am going to make it through somehow. I sure hope you have a lovely time tomorrow with your family.

I agree on your take on gun control. Do not get me started. It is much more

controlled or restricted in Canada. Thank heaven! But it still does happen.

Thinking of all of you tomorrow and wishing you a brighter day. Let's be thankful for the time we had with our kids! What could we be more thankful for then time with them?

Greg...thinking of you. Take care.

[mikesmomrs]

Just adding my wishes for everyone for tomorrow. Those new to this site, we know how difficult these days are, and we are with you all in spirit, holding you close, understanding your pain, offering love and comfort. If you can't do the day, I know that your angel understands. Just do what you need to do for YOU. It is oftentimes difficult for others to understand that, but I think that goes under Betsy's "NOT MY PROBLEM" list.

We are holding on, here. Praying every moment that we breathe, that the hope offered to us at the hospital yesterday will come to fruition. I don't even remember what I posted after we got home, (or, even IF I posted at all) and I can't look back as I am too far from it to check. So, I will just say that the doctor walked in and said "There is bad news and there is good news." The bad news is that yes, Ralph has pancreatic cancer. The good news is that there is a chance that they have caught it early enough to be able to do the surgery and despite Ralph's overall not-so-good health, they think they can handle the "issues." They thoroughly, and I do mean thoroughly described each step, and the possible side effects, etc., and we were in with the docs for over 4 hours. They had previously gone over the charts and tests, etc., that morning, together, and thus presented us with the options. There are four stages, with the fourth being the worst, and they believe Ralph is in the first, which is the one that offers the option of surgery. Many steps before that, but I will write about those at another time.

We are trying to get ready for the day tomorrow. The thought, of course, entered my mind, that with all that is going on, I just didn't want to do it and wished to just close the door and the curtains until Friday. But, despite the pitfalls of this road we are one, we DO have much to be thankful for, and how could I deny the celebration and recognition of all that and still be able to look at myself in the mirror? When I told Ralph that I had just gotten a turkey breast instead of the whole bird, he said "But, you know how I like to pick the bones..." So, over to the store I go and buy a fresh turkey and all the fixings. Cathi will be over tomorrow to help, and we will have the usual Thanksgiving day dinner. Including, of course, Mike's squash. And pumpkin pie. Mike loved pumpkin pie and would just "dump" the cool whip on top and dive in! All other issues will be put on hold for those few hours, and we will try our best to just enjoy the day. Coming together right now, I think is actually a good thing. We need that right now. One "fly in the ointment" right now may be Davis...he is very angry with me and when asked if he was coming to dinner, his answer was a curt "I don't know, I might," tossed over his shoulder as he went out the door. I flew out the door after him and gave him a huge piece of my mind. Well, not huge, actually, (I don't have that much left to give away a HUGE piece) but it was definitely loud. I said "You know that your grandfather may have only 3-6 months to live, if this surgery thing doesn't work out, and you MIGHT be over?" I was shaking, I was so angry. He is still smarting from my telling him on Monday that I would not give him ANY more money, and that if he calls us in the evening, it has to be before 9 pm. I told him that while I still love him and always will, my focus right now has shifted and I will not let anyone, especially someone who refuses to help themselves, step in front of that focus. My heart broke with each word I spoke. I also suggested again the "Labor Ready" place downtown that hires people by the day. Not a great place to be, I realize that, but if you need money, it IS a great place to be! And he does have three days off each week. He said "I will never do Labor Ready." I said "Then I can't help you." This all happened on Monday. He has barely spoken to me since. I do know that he is terrified of this issue with his grandfather, and that he cannot even speak of it. He has timidly talked to his grandpa, a few words here and there, and he has called each night to speak to him and ask how he is, but nothing more. After all the loss he has experienced over the last five years, including his loss of self, the thought of losing his grandfather likely has him crumbling. I can offer him love and comfort, but I can't offer him further enabling that is only helping him to destroy himself. I pray for strength. (He did mention to his grandpa tonight that the lady he has been living with has told him that he can stay longer, because of his grandfather's problems....don't know I had posted before that she had told him he had to move out by 1 December.)

So, enough of that.

I do so hope that you all have as good a Thanksgiving day as you possibly can. I know that our loss has our heart in shreds, but I do hope that we are able to pull forth all the memories that we have of our angels...those memories that made up their lives, that were a part of our lives, a part of our heart, and always, always will be.

Bonnie, Jason's mom, posted this one time, and I believe though may be incorrect, that she said she had it printed out and in a frame and on display when there are family gatherings. I printed it out and framed it. It sits on the table with us at every family gathering, along with a candle that has a picture of Mike on the front of it. We remember you, Mike. Always.

I know I am still with you in your

prayers, your thoughts, your heart.

And though you cannot see me,

I will always be a part

of life's sweet celebrations

in those times when you reflect

on how, though things are different,

through our love, we still connect.

We'll see each other someday

when our spirits all are free.

Until then, I am with you

Because you remember me.

The most important line in that, I think, is "Because you remember me." And that is what we here all do...remember our angels, remember each other's angels, by talking about them, posting pictures, remembering. Always.

Betsy, I am so sorry for all that is going on with your aunt, but I am so glad that you found the strength to speak up to her children and tell them that it is time for them to step up. I think I remember your saying that you and Sarah would be together for the day tomorrow, and I do hope you have a wonderful time together.

Trudi: I am also sorry to hear that Mal's shingles are continuing to give him such pain. I understand his fear of it being a type that comes and goes. I have known a man from church who has had that type, and each time it is very painful. I pray that Mal's will go away and stay away. I am so glad that you were able to speak up to Mal's son's girlfriend. It is surprising sometimes how we find our strength to "stand up" for something when our personal space is attacked. I like to think it might be a gift from our angels. Thanks for sharing the pics...they are beautiful. I especially like the "white trees," though am sad for the reason (the fire).

Amy: I know you are enjoying having your sweet Katie home for the holidays and on into next month. Enjoy.

Dee: Yes, it is terrible what guns can do...I cringe whenever I see that slogan "Guns don't kill people...people kill people." I do not agree with it one bit, and it just fires up my anger when I see it. I am so sorry for the family that now will have that "empty chair" in their home and that huge empty space in their heart. I do hope that you and John and Jon and Shannon (along with your visiting Aunt and Uncle) have a good Thanksgiving day. I am glad that you have a few days off to rest, also.

Susannah: I was so sorry to read your post about Amanda's troubles, but so very, very grateful that she does not have brain cancer. I am glad for her plans to get married, and I do pray for her as she faces yet more medical issues that need to be taken care of.

Kathy: I agree, Tavian does look so grown up now! I am sure you feel it, and it is truly bittersweet. I think, though, that you can take much comfort in knowing that your beautiful Jess smiles on you as you care for her son, as you are doing such a wonderful job.

All of those so new to this site, please know that we have walked in your footsteps and know the sorrow these holidays and such bring to your heart. We are with you, in spirit, and holding you close in our hearts.

Greg, Diane? Are you okay? Thinking of you.

[mikesmomrs]

By the way, I've added something to Mike's memorial web site, and I thought you all might like to check it out. Ralph recorded the song "Amazing Grace" while we were at his sister's house in Viriginia, and I was finally able to figure out how to load it onto Mike's memorial site (I kept using the wrong format). I consider this to be a beautiful gift from Ralph to his only son.

the following link will bring you directly to the page, with the song playing in the background.

http://james-michael.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=8228&page_no=17

[mikesmomrs]

Sorry, double post.

[Jeff's Mom]

By the way, I've added something to Mike's memorial web site, and I thought you all might like to check it out. Ralph recorded the song "Amazing Grace" while we were at his sister's house in Viriginia, and I was finally able to figure out how to load it onto Mike's memorial site (I kept using the wrong format). I consider this to be a beautiful gift from Ralph to his only son.

the following link will bring you directly to the page, with the song playing in the background.

http://james-michael...8228&page_no=17

Tell Ralph that it was absolutely beautiful! He has definitely earned picking those bones!!! Have a lovely dinner you guys. Thinking of you. And loved the poem. I am going to get a copy of it. Thanks.

Kate

[lolynbo]

REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT IN THEIR CHAIR CUZ THEY ARE DANCING ON THE TABLE. MISSING YOU KOURTNEY LYNN MY LIL HELPER

[Guest msnher]

Carol, I will visit and listen to the new song posted to Mike's memorial site later. We are letting Gary sleep in this morning and I don't want to wake him retrieving my earphones. As painful as it was for you I am glad you spoke to Davis the way you did. We have to quit walking on eggshells around our addicts/alcoholics. It may be the thing that shocks them into getting help. My own son came over the other day and told me he wants to drink again. I told him that's normal and he just might have to. I told him to know I would still love him and not judge his decision but if he finds it necessary to drink again to please just pack his things and move. I told him no need to even say goodbye. I told him I was not willing to go another round with an active alcoholic/addict. It's not that I can't, it's that I won't.

I'm not cooking today. Thanksgiving has always been my biggest "work" holiday. I decorate and do the whole production. Not this year. This year we are going to celebrate at the 12/24 club with other members of the 12 step programs.

I'll cook all the fixings tomorrow with less pressure.

[rlolheiser]

just in for a few to wish all of my family the best Thanksgiving you can have. I know it is hard and we go through a lot of motion, but may you find some peace sometime today sharing with your angels.

Kathy, Tavian is getting so big.. what a cutie. I spent money I didn't have and got the little ones a hair cut. My son liked his, but my Sena didn't like hers and hated it. Oh well she chews her hair and I was trying to help her not be made fun of. I think her short hair is beautiful.

Betsy, I understand so much of what you are going through. I am thankful that mom keeps most of her mess in her room, she is forever going through it all, and throwing things away. I have to check her garbage all the time cause she throws things away that if she doesn't want, I do.

Susannah, I am glad you are having kind of a day off.. truth is it is never a day off.. hope your family has a wonderful time.

Carol, my prayers remain with you and hope you and Ralph have a great day.

Sherry, I never did finish all the house yet, but it looks much better. I carried up a big overstuffed lounge chair yesterday and I thought I was going to have a heart attack by the time I got it to the top of the stairs. After that I slowed down.

Last night the kids and I made 2 apple pies, 2 pumpkin, 2 banana and 2 chocolate pies along with various jello.. now I am waiting for nobody to show up.

Gotta run, mom wants her shower so no rest for the wicked..(just kidding)

my love to you all.. Lorri, Susan, Kate.. Greg, Bonnie, Trudi, Dee, Amy, Rhonda, Polly, Cindy, Dan, and everyone else that this old brain can't call up right now..

[Guest msnher]

Oh my goodness, Carol! Ralph can sing! Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! Tell him the next time I see him I expect him to bring his guitar!

[westleysmom]

Having my Thanksgiving coffee with Bailey's Irish Cream (there are still some things to be thankful for!) and wanted to say hi to everybody. Thanksgiving has changed for us all forever and not exactly for the better. I kept telling myself this morning as I lay in bed too long that old Beatle's song "It's just another day". It's just another day, they are no more gone than yesterday or tomorrow, and unfortunately no less. But somehow that helped me to get up and get going. I baked my pies and made my eggs last night to take to my sister's today. I'll make the macaroni & cheese in a little while so it will still be warm. I'll make it through and if I have my meltdown later, well, hell, I have one almost every day. It's just another day.

I want to be sure though to tell you all that when I do give thanks, I thank God for you all. I halfway remember a quote about those who have to give their children back to God. I can't remember it all, but I know that if it said we were more blessed, I would beg to differ. But I know that it is just about the hardest thing that we will ever have to bear. I couldn't bear it alone and I haven't had to thanks to all of you. I hope that you all make it through this family holiday the best way you can, cooking or not, and those in other countries who really are having just another day. Love and hugs to you all wherever you are and whatever is happening in your 'nother day.

[echofc]

I want to wish everyone the best possible Thanksgiving Day. Going to be with family for dinner. I'm really hoping people don't ask me how I am because I am feeling very emotional. It is days like this that scream "Stacy is missing. She isn't here with you anymore." Miss her so much. I am very thankful for the 31 years we shared.

Sue

(Stacy's Mom)

[ericasmom]

Susannah, enjoy the not-cooking today.

Carol, glad that you are gathering today with Cathi and the Boys, and I do hope that Davis can find within himself the motivation and lessons taught him over the years, to find himself not only attending the gathering but feeling grateful in his heart. I continue to pray for his ability to shove aside that magnetic pull to the life he is in and move to the places of discomfort but strength in letting that go so that one day he is happy and healthy. Prayers deep and ongoing. And my prayers for you and Ralph of course, I feel the docs are going to figure this all out. I am holding you close. Thanks for re-posting that great poem that Bonnie once posted, it will help our newbies as it did back then and of course help we oldies too.

John and I have enjoyed the morning with his Auntie and Uncle, they will be off to their Son and DIL and Grandboys home a few miles from here. They will re-join us this eve and stay over and leave for Detroit in the AM. John and I are doing nothing Thanksgiving-like today other than being Thankful for all the world has shown us, even in the face of so much loss, so it is a relaxing day adn we will cook on Saturday for Shan and Jon and Jon's old friend Tim whose family is in Louisianna, and Jon's old friend Megan who is a dear to us all, newly pregnant and a bit adrift at the moment. I am off to work out and later a walk perhaps with my husband in the woods.

May we all know what Lorri has spoken and thanks Lorri for the reminder, the chair may be empty but not our memories nor our hearts and our Angels are dancing on the tables-joyously and in perfect company.

[Guest msnher]

12:50pm and Thanksgiving dinner is over and I did NOTHING! Woo-Hoo!!! We are now all cuddled in the living room with our full tummies and grateful hearts. I appreciate your reminder, Lorri! We dressed in our Sunday best and did our hair pretty. Stephanie showed herself as we were leaving. A friend who went through treatment with her (not the last one...a different one...there were many previous rehabs before the last one) almost teared up as she saw Stephanie's children. I hugged her and called the children back and introduced each of them to Stephanie's friend. Very sweet.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Susannah, sort of drifing in and out today to read how everyone is getting along. Sounds as if your|Thanksgiving meal was delicious and the gathering was enjoyable. I'm so glad to see that others are enjoying their day as well.

[ericasmom]

HI All, just checking in, hope that you are all okay, I know how hard these days can be, but I do love what you said Rhonda, it is just a day like any other day. I hope that you find the day more than what you expected.

Leah, I am glad that you and the kids baked pies together, whether anyone comes or not, it is the process more often, that builds on the memories and gives pleasure. I hope the day is kind to you/

[lolynbo]

ONE THANKSGIVING DAY WE HAD TG DINNER AT OU MEDICAL...SEVERAL FAMILIES COMING TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY LOVED/LOVE KOURTNEY LYNN...WE EVEN ASKED OTHER PPL AT THE HOSPITAL TO JOIN US WITH THE DINNER.....LATER THAT EVE WHEN FAMILY AND FRIENDS WERE GONE, WE WERE BACK IN OUR "APARTMENT" (ICU WAITING ROOM) AND COLLEGE KIDS HAD CAME AND BROUGHT DINNER FOR ALL OF US IN THE ICU WAITING AREA...SAID "WE MADE IT ALL BY SCRATCH AND WANT TO FEED FAMILIES THAT CLDNT BE HOME"....I THOUGHT "I WLD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS A TTHEIR AGE AND WHAT A GREAT GROUP OF KIDS THEY ARE/WERE.....AFTER THEY FEED ALL OF US, THEY LOADED UP AND WENT TO THE OTHER WAITING ROOMS......THOUGHT SOMEDAY WE CLD SHARE THIS AND MANY MORE STORIES TO KOURTNEY...BUT I GUESS SHE KNOWS NOW...