Loss of an Adult Child

[Zoes_Momma]

Hello everyone. I have been posting in the main "loss of a child" area and it was suggested I come here.

My daughter, Zoë Elise was 20 when she was diagnosed with malignant metastatic pheochromocytoma, a very rare and fatal form of adrenal cancer. She died 5 weeks after she turned 21; just a few short months after her diagnosis. It has been one year, one month, and 11 days.

I was a single parent most of Zoë and her little sister, Tyler's, youth. We did everything together. My life revolved around my girls. We were the Three Musketeers. Zoë left behind her loving husband, her 15 month old son, my younger daughter Tyler (19 at the time), her dad, little (half-sister--though we hate that term) sister, adored "2nd mom" (mother-in-law), cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents. Her friends are simply devastated. They talk with me about how hard it is to be without one of the best people they had ever known. She was the glue.

Her husband and I (see below) spent every day and night with her in the hospital for the 3 months of her illness. The doctors and nurses told me that they felt a sense of "reverence" whenever they opened the door to enter. She had that kind of effect on people. The lobby/family area of the floor she was on was often full with family and friends who just wanted to be near her sweet spirit before she left.

I missed 9 days of time with her because I unknowingly allowed myself to be exposed to someone with the flu (I knew she had been sick but didn't know she was still contagious). I couldn't be in the same house or room with her as she was going through chemo and had no immune system. I knew if I went to be with her I would literally kill her, but my guilt at not being there has weighed heavily upon my weakened spirit. There were days when I chose to not spend as much time with her as she wanted; I was pulling away. I didn't want her to go. I feel horrible about that, too. I know i cannot change these things and I do not dwell on my guilt, but it is still there, under the surface. I have forgiven myself as I know she has, but I cannot forget.

My life has been getting worse and worse since her illness and death. I have no money, no desire to pay my bills or be responsible, my health has suffered. I am a walking bag of bones because I have had no appetite for over a year now. I eat only to show her sister that I will live. Everyone worries about me. I feel so bad about that. You see, I know that I will continue to live because I have no choice in the matter, but they worry that I will kill myself to be with her. Life goes on like it or not.

We have always been "silly girls" laughing and joking and playing around like children. I still have absolute joy and true laughter much of the time, but there is always a little bit of sorrow in every laugh and smile because she is not here to complete our circle. The only time I truly feel happy, without that aching pain, is when I am with her sister.

I feel like I am rambling. Thank you all for reading this. I hope that my honesty helps others who are going through similar feelings. I am so sorry that you all have lost a precious child as well. Much love and peace, izzi

[Jeff's Mom]

I have been feeling really overwhelmed and sad… My son Cameron was in a car accident on 11-11-11. A lady ran a red light and ran into the side of his car while he was on his way home from the graveyard shift at the hospital. I am very glad he was not hurt to badly just bruised ribs, neck, and back. When he called he was pretty upset and when I got off the phone my hearing started buzzing and everything went all fuzzy around the edges just my blood pressure soaring I guess. The car on the other hand might be totaled and he just paid it off 20 days ago. I keep telling him the car can be replaced and that I am glad he is okay but try to tell a 22 year old that???

I have been reluctant to post to much lately it’s just makes me cry so much.. In a way I know it’s therapeutic but some days it’s hard to feel it in my face ready to slap me so brutally. Reading it seems many of us are feeling poorly and for that I am so sorry pretty sure it’s just the time of year that makes it worse than usual. In the beginning I used to tell others and myself “I just need to get a grip” but I have found that just doesn’t work. Today I just don’t care… Maybe tomorrow I will.

Sorry for the rambling feeling kind of disconnected today…

Peace and Love Indigo’s

Polly-Chad’s Mom

Polly, sorry to read about the car accident. Thank heaven Cameron was not hurt. Bummer about the car however! Sorry you are having a blue day and "no" you are not rambling. Hang in there!

Kate

[lolynbo]

YOU SOUND LIKE US...IZZI (?) WE HAD 11 DAYS FROM DIAGNOSIS TO KOURTNEYS TUMOR BURSTING AND THEN LOTS OF SURGERIES AND RADIATION 7MO AND 2 DAYS LATER WE NEVER LEFT HER SIDE , KOURTNEY DIED FROM HER BRAIN TUMOR...I NEVER DID GET AHEAD OF IT, STILL HAVENT

WE ARE GOING ON 4 YRS NOVEMEBER 15 THE DAY THE TUMOR BURST (2007) SHE NEVER SPOKE AGIAN..AFTER TUMOR BURST..

HUGGS AND PRAYERS TO YOU...KOURTNEY WAS 21 ALSO 22 WHEN SHE DIED..

[Zoes_Momma]

Your daughter is lovely. I personally love to see that huge smile on the screen!

I've caught up on all the posts now. What an amazing group of folks here. So glad that I found my way here. I have grown to care for each of you and hold you all very close to my heart...Think of your angels daily.

Crystal - Sorry to hear of your friend's passing, but so happy that she left this world knowing that you will watch over her kids. I am sure she gave your boy a big hug from you upon her arrival. Also glad you are eating...four days in a row!!! That's wonderful news.

There is much I need to "try" to accomplish today...we'll see how that goes

p.s. Still no reply back on how to downsize Shannon's pic....until then, she'll be coming through on this very large

scale.

Also wanted to mention that there is a mother who has posted in the general Loss of a Child forum. Her child was

harmed by a relative....very terrible circumstances....he suffered tremendously....maybe some of you could reach out to her??? Can't imagine being in her shoes. Her post is "without my boy or son or child"...should be easy to find.

[Zoes_Momma]

I am so sorry. People have told me how fortunate we are all that "Zoë passed so quickly that she didn't have to suffer much." I so do not agree with that statement. She suffered horribly as do we. We never had time to absorb what was going on; neither did she. May I ask what type of tumor? I am so sorry for your loss. izzi (yes, that's my name!)

YOU SOUND LIKE US...IZZI (?) WE HAD 11 DAYS FROM DIAGNOSIS TO KOURTNEYS TUMOR BURSTING AND THEN LOTS OF SURGERIES AND RADIATION 7MO AND 2 DAYS LATER WE NEVER LEFT HER SIDE , KOURTNEY DIED FROM HER BRAIN TUMOR...I NEVER DID GET AHEAD OF IT, STILL HAVENT

WE ARE GOING ON 4 YRS NOVEMEBER 15 THE DAY THE TUMOR BURST (2007) SHE NEVER SPOKE AGIAN..AFTER TUMOR BURST..

HUGGS AND PRAYERS TO YOU...KOURTNEY WAS 21 ALSO 22 WHEN SHE DIED..

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello everyone. I have been posting in the main "loss of a child" area and it was suggested I come here.

My daughter, Zoë Elise was 20 when she was diagnosed with malignant metastatic pheochromocytoma, a very rare and fatal form of adrenal cancer. She died 5 weeks after she turned 21; just a few short months after her diagnosis. It has been one year, one month, and 11 days.

I was a single parent most of Zoë and her little sister, Tyler's, youth. We did everything together. My life revolved around my girls. We were the Three Musketeers. Zoë left behind her loving husband, her 15 month old son, my younger daughter Tyler (19 at the time), her dad, little (half-sister--though we hate that term) sister, adored "2nd mom" (mother-in-law), cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents. Her friends are simply devastated. They talk with me about how hard it is to be without one of the best people they had ever known. She was the glue.

Her husband and I (see below) spent every day and night with her in the hospital for the 3 months of her illness. The doctors and nurses told me that they felt a sense of "reverence" whenever they opened the door to enter. She had that kind of effect on people. The lobby/family area of the floor she was on was often full with family and friends who just wanted to be near her sweet spirit before she left.

I missed 9 days of time with her because I unknowingly allowed myself to be exposed to someone with the flu (I knew she had been sick but didn't know she was still contagious). I couldn't be in the same house or room with her as she was going through chemo and had no immune system. I knew if I went to be with her I would literally kill her, but my guilt at not being there has weighed heavily upon my weakened spirit. There were days when I chose to not spend as much time with her as she wanted; I was pulling away. I didn't want her to go. I feel horrible about that, too. I know i cannot change these things and I do not dwell on my guilt, but it is still there, under the surface. I have forgiven myself as I know she has, but I cannot forget.

My life has been getting worse and worse since her illness and death. I have no money, no desire to pay my bills or be responsible, my health has suffered. I am a walking bag of bones because I have had no appetite for over a year now. I eat only to show her sister that I will live. Everyone worries about me. I feel so bad about that. You see, I know that I will continue to live because I have no choice in the matter, but they worry that I will kill myself to be with her. Life goes on like it or not.

We have always been "silly girls" laughing and joking and playing around like children. I still have absolute joy and true laughter much of the time, but there is always a little bit of sorrow in every laugh and smile because she is not here to complete our circle. The only time I truly feel happy, without that aching pain, is when I am with her sister.

I feel like I am rambling. Thank you all for reading this. I hope that my honesty helps others who are going through similar feelings. I am so sorry that you all have lost a precious child as well. Much love and peace, izzi

Oh Izzy, I am so sorry for your loss. Zoe sounds like she was truly an amazing young woman. I know it is hard for you to try to understand that it will improve with time. You are still in shock and feeling raw after your experience. You need to try to find the strength to focus on taking care of yourself. One day at a time at this point is about all uou can expect of yourself. The others here have all suffered tremendous loss and totally understand your hurt. Hang in there and keep positng.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Your daughter is lovely. I personally love to see that huge smile on the screen!

Susan...don't downsize Shannon's pic! She is a ray of sunshine!

[Zoes_Momma]

I should have read your "about me" page before I asked about what kind of tumor. That just sounds awful. And yes, your family's story sounds so familiar. Just married, just starting life, your best friend... it all just SUCKS! And I am still so angry at cancer for robbing me of what was mine. I saw your album...what a lovely family. I have an album of Zoë, Tyler and myself as well. I hope you'll take a look. She was so lovely.

YOU SOUND LIKE US...IZZI (?) WE HAD 11 DAYS FROM DIAGNOSIS TO KOURTNEYS TUMOR BURSTING AND THEN LOTS OF SURGERIES AND RADIATION 7MO AND 2 DAYS LATER WE NEVER LEFT HER SIDE , KOURTNEY DIED FROM HER BRAIN TUMOR...I NEVER DID GET AHEAD OF IT, STILL HAVENT

WE ARE GOING ON 4 YRS NOVEMEBER 15 THE DAY THE TUMOR BURST (2007) SHE NEVER SPOKE AGIAN..AFTER TUMOR BURST..

HUGGS AND PRAYERS TO YOU...KOURTNEY WAS 21 ALSO 22 WHEN SHE DIED..

[Zoes_Momma]

Thanks Kate. Today is just a hard day. I woke up crying, AGAIN. I'm tired of it. It's like every so often out of nowhere someone hits me in the gut with a baseball bat. I just never know when it's coming. And today I just can't stop crying. I appreciate your words of compassion and hope. I need them.

Oh Izzy, I am so sorry for your loss. Zoe sounds like she was truly an amazing young woman. I know it is hard for you to try to understand that it will improve with time. You are still in shock and feeling raw after your experience. You need to try to find the strength to focus on taking care of yourself. One day at a time at this point is about all uou can expect of yourself. The others here have all suffered tremendous loss and totally understand your hurt. Hang in there and keep positng.

Kate

[Zoes_Momma]

I agree with Susan! Keep it big. She's lovely and brightens my mood when I see her.

Susan...don't downsize Shannon's pic! She is a ray of sunshine!

[Zoes_Momma]

Hi Polly. I am so glad that Cameron is okay. I am terrified that I may lose my other daughter, Tyler so I cannot imagine the scare you had. I am in Utah as well. How 'bout this weather?! (yuck...I'm from California, so I am not into this!)

I have been feeling really overwhelmed and sad… My son Cameron was in a car accident on 11-11-11. A lady ran a red light and ran into the side of his car while he was on his way home from the graveyard shift at the hospital. I am very glad he was not hurt to badly just bruised ribs, neck, and back. When he called he was pretty upset and when I got off the phone my hearing started buzzing and everything went all fuzzy around the edges just my blood pressure soaring I guess. The car on the other hand might be totaled and he just paid it off 20 days ago. I keep telling him the car can be replaced and that I am glad he is okay but try to tell a 22 year old that???

I have been reluctant to post to much lately it’s just makes me cry so much.. In a way I know it’s therapeutic but some days it’s hard to feel it in my face ready to slap me so brutally. Reading it seems many of us are feeling poorly and for that I am so sorry pretty sure it’s just the time of year that makes it worse than usual. In the beginning I used to tell others and myself “I just need to get a grip” but I have found that just doesn’t work. Today I just don’t care… Maybe tomorrow I will.

Sorry for the rambling feeling kind of disconnected today…

Peace and Love Indigo’s

Polly-Chad’s Mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Kate. Today is just a hard day. I woke up crying, AGAIN. I'm tired of it. It's like every so often out of nowhere someone hits me in the gut with a baseball bat. I just never know when it's coming. And today I just can't stop crying. I appreciate your words of compassion and hope. I need them.

Let the tears fall my friend . It helps. When my son died I would just break down at any given time and ball like a baby. This is going to take time and you can only try one day at a time. The others will tell you the same. Yoy have been through a lot and you will start to move forward when you are ready. Hang in there. And please eat something,ok?

Kate

[Zoes_Momma]

Thanks Kate. I am so used to crying now. I have stocked up on waterproof mascara and no longer put it on my lower eyelashes (lol). Family dinner tonight so I will be eating (they all watch me so closely). I think that's why the past couple of days have been so hard. It just sucks when everyone is together but she isn't there. And never will be. Thanks for talking with me. I like this forum better than the fb site because people are replying so quickly. I feel like I could be here all day. I feel so out of place everywhere else in my life.

Let the tears fall my friend . It helps. When my son died I would just break down at any given time and ball like a baby. This is going to take time and you can only try one day at a time. The others will tell you the same. Yoy have been through a lot and you will start to move forward when you are ready. Hang in there. And please eat something,ok?

Kate

[ericasmom]

Izzi, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this sad state. WE are all with you on this road, some of us many years ahead but never so far that we don't get it, we are simply here to let you know that you will find your life again, that you will find a way to survive and shine your Daughter's light again. My Girl, ERica, was 19 when she was killed 8.5 years ago. She was alone in her car and struck by an Amtrak at a broken crossing, in Kalamazoo, Michigan. She lived there with my Son, Jon, her big bro. She died 6 days later. All of her friends came to say goodbye, those 6 days held the magic of such strong friendship. Erica was the glue like your Girl.

Eat some gentle foods if you can, mashed potatoes, yogurt, bananas, well you know and try to boost your immune system with extra vitamin C everyday. Lot's of water too and sleepy time tea for your ability yo relax. One hour at a time and try to understand that moods will shoot around like crazy and there is nothing one can do but allow it, give yourself permission to cry, scream, and rant...it is all part of it. I will check your gallery soon.

[ericasmom]

Izzi, your gallery is lovely, the two Sisters joined by such strong love, beautiful smiles. I am so sorry for your ache. Does Zoe's Child and husband live near you? Are you able to see them often? How is your Daughter doing? My Son was 21 when Eri died, it was so very hard on him, he really survived through the love of friends and family. He stayed to himself a great deal, does not share his emotions about Erica's death very often, he just can't. I worried all the time about him, just as you are doing now with your Daughter, most of us report having hyper-fear relating to our Children after losing a Child. Jonathan got married one week ago today to a lovely woman named Shannon. They are in Hawaii now on their Honeymoon.

Lorri, have your anti-biotics begun to kick in yet?

[daveydow1]

Dee-----So glad that Jon & Shannon are having such a nice honeymoon in Hawaii. Swimming

with the new goggles, and seeing beautiful fish and the large turtle. What an experience !!

I love how you described the color of the fish as the shades that the highlighters school kids

use. Perfect description.

Zoe's mom---I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Zoe. Although it is hard

for any of us here to say "welcome" (to this site), to someone new,

and in such sorrow for the loss of a child,......it is a good site, and everyone understands

your pain and sorrow. Please come back to BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo).

Leah-----So sorry that you have all these troubles raining down on you. Yes,----stress can

indeed make us sick. Do take care of yourself, friend. Your love for JaBoa will always be

a big part of your life because you love her so much. Peace & prayers.

Susan-----Such a lovely young girl.....your Shannon. She has such beautiful eyes. Thanks

for posting her pic. Her smile just radiates.

Betsy-----Thanks for the pic of your brother with the two boys....Christopher and Patrick. I remember you posting awhile

back that dear little Patrick died of liver cancer. Yes, it must be a rare cancer in children. He's

such a beautiful child, and now a beautiful angel.

Colleen---- The lannon stone table & bench with plaque is such a nice tribute to honor dear Brian. I, so, know

what you mean about having anger for the other two boys involved in the accident that claimed Brian's life. I

often feel the same anger towards the truckdriver who killed Dave. I try not to think about him, though. Sometimes,

it seems that all people involved want to do is get out of the charges, and put it all behind them. Sorry you are not feeling well, and having a difficult time of it. Prayers & hugs.

Kate-----Yes,....sometimes we do have a tendency to put our grief 'on hold' when there are other pressing things

in our lives......which they always seem to pop up. But, the grief always comes out ....no way to stop it. I guess we

just have to work our way through it, and everyone has to do it on their own timeline. Glad to hear that you are finding

some 'good days', though. When they come along for us, it does give us hope, and also to know that our dear angels

would want us to have good days.

Carol-----Glad to hear that you are back home from your trip. Also,......now it will be easier to post messages.

I don'tknow how you put up with typing post with one finger........yikes.....so tiresome. .

Jenn-----Oh....the holidays coming up. They sure can be a source of stress and extra sadness. I try to keep it

all low-key if I can, but I do know how difficult that can be sometimes, when others want to have us join in etc.

Sometimes we just don't feel very 'festive'. Wishing you peace and comfort.

Lorri-----So sad that the young man meant to kill himself. He no doubt felt that there was nothing left for him.

Such a tragic loss of a young life. I hope that you will be feeling better real soon, friend.

Cindy-----Good to see Tanner's nice smile. Sorry you are having a hard time of it now. Sending prayers.

Pam-----I wish you luck with the move to another home. Andy will always be with you wherever you may go. I fretted

and worried when we decided to sell our house where Dave lived with us for 2 yrs. before his death......worrying

about leaving all the memories behind etc. But, we have moved twice since he died 8 yrs. ago, and we have found

that he is always with us.....our memories are just as full and strong, and when we pass the old places, there is no

real pull there to haunt us. I do hope all will go well for you. Peace to you.

Rhonda-----I so, know what you mean about seeing someone that reminded you of West when you were going down

the street. That has happened to me also, and I , too, had the biggest urge to just look at the person,. but didn't. Once,

it happened in traffic, when a car pulled up next to us in the turning lane. The guy looked so much like David. I kept

looking for a short time, but the light turned, and he drove away. Hope you are doing ok with the coming holidays.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Chads Mom]

Izzi: I am so sorry for the terrible loss of your beautiful daughter it makes my heart hurt so much, but please know you are not alone. If you can’t find someone to talk to come here, If you think others don’t get IT come here, if you need to talk it out come here, and if you need encouragement & comforting come here. I know that it has helped me a great deal to be able to express myself to others that understand the state I’m in.

I too lost my oldest son to cancer. We found out in April and he passed away on May 30th…of this year. My youngest son Cameron is my only living child so it was pretty frightening to get his phone call that he had been in an accident, I have been trying really hard to not smother him but it’s so hard when he is all we have left.

Dee: Congratulations on your sons marriage! I hope they are having the time of their lives and soaking up the sun in Hawaii!

Kate: So true and great advice. “let the tears fall”

Lorri: I can’t even imagine going through what you did with your beautiful Kourtney. You are one brave lady!

Susan: My thoughts are with you and your husband you truly should not be made to endure more.. My grandmother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and I remember she kept a lot of the details from us in the beginning and when we would bring it up she would say “lets live today & not worry about was hasn’t happened yet” I always wondered how she was able to do that? I sure wish it were that easy…

Love and Peace Indigo’s

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[summergirl]

Izzi - I am so sorry for the loss of your Zoe....she sounds absolutely wonderful ... Please listen to others here when they say take care of yourself, no matter how hard it is to eat you must - I know how hard it is as I went through the same thing when I lost my Jessica...everyone watched me and it made me crazy and everything I tried to eat tasted like card board...I lost a lot of weight but have gained it back and then some !! Take your time, one baby step at a time, cry when you want, scream, get angry, be sad....anything you want.....here is the place where you can be who you are, no judgments, just others who walk this journey with you....

Carol - thanks for the pics....always love to see "our Angels" written in the sand or anywhere else for that matter....

Dee - just love to read your posts.....

Much work done in the yard today as winter is slowly moving in....achey tonight but a good ache from a day of outside.

Polly - so very glad to hear that Cameron is ok - After losing a child there is a definite strong fear of losing another.....We are raising our grandson Tavian and I freak all the time.....if he doesn't feel well I get nervous....I over react many times but that is my life and when people tell me I over react I tell them "get over it as they have no idea"......Hold tight and God Bless

Have to agree - I love the pic of Shannon so large....she is just beautiful and I love it.....makes me smile each time I see it and that is a good thing.....you can learn to downsize and change it if you want but I would miss it...

I will say good night and know that I am thinking of you all as always....you are never far from my thoughts and i am thankful for each and every one of you.....thankful that you have gotten me where I am today, almost 6 years later.... Kathy

[mikesmum]

Indigo’s, I bow to you all for having the courage to come to this site, to guide,to cry,to share,to get mad,to understand.

Have been reading, there are so many posts its hard to catch up.

I often wondered how much of who I am now is age, menopause, physiological or grief. I remember the minute I realised I had altered. I had returned to work 4 weeks after Mike died. I was dispatching ambulances, one to a young 31yr old male, query deceased in his car. I was angry at the calltaker for not getting better location details, better information as to whether this 'boy' was actually dead or alive. I screamed across the control room at her to get me better information...something I never did before. I took my break and was still shaking when I came back. After that the memory went, the care factor left and as Dee says, I'll never know how I might have aged.

The TPO ~ Is that a Temporary Protection Order? This thing called grief/loss amplifes every part of our existence. Dealing with an ex who threatens your wellbeing can take so much of your energy. The reality that we have lost a child skews are perception when we think of our surviving family. The overwhelming exhaustion that comes from our daily lives is beyond anything I have ever known. Even working many years of shiftwork I never felt so tired.

I am blessed to have surviving children I know this, but with that comes the constant fear that they too might be taken from me. Seeing a grandchild next to a running creek sends me into a panic that takes my breath away...the senario of loss plays on my mind.

I think the funk is here, today its rearing its head after a weekend of being grandies. I love them to bits, they are my oxygen, my life line to earth. They keep me grounded on the days when I wish I was given wings to fly..

Tired from a millions tears, will say goodnight for now.

Carol ~ always the images of sunsets/sunrise, our angels on the sands of time bring a smile.

Miss Jeya, Zak and Muttley after one very long weekend..

[

[ericasmom]

Oh Trudi, don't know how but that Zak, feature for feature looks the least like you out of all the grandies and yet, there is something so TRUDI about him. That sideways glance and I have a feeling he is like you in personality. I love seeing the kids and Muttley, watching everyone grow up.

Carol, that ocean wave picture with the crest of the waves in pink...well you know where my heart goes.

Kathy, glad that you spent the day outdoors in the garden. My husband chopped down the Canna, and soon after the first deep frost, he will pull the bulbs and we wash them and store them in the basement.

Sherry, so good to see you tonight, I know that you said you had some catching up to do, well apparently you caught up. Hey one of Shannon's aunties is living in Columbus, isn't that where you are? How is your weather? we are having some very strong winds tonight and tomorrow, so could be that you will get this the next day. Thanks for your warm wishes for Jon and Shan. Yes, Jon told me the fish were the colors of the highlighters that my students have.

Did a bit of homework, not nearly enough, but tomorrow I will do the lions-share. I am off to bed, lay down my tired head and I will count our Angels as I fall asleep.

[517958]

Hello. I'm new here. Actually, I've been watching this site for a few months now but I'm finally deciding to write. I see that people are usually invited to this forum even if they haven't lost an adult child so let me know if I'm okay here or not. I lost my beautiful 5 year old daughter Charlotte four months ago. She drowned in a swimming pool while I was at work. There is still pending litigation but someone who should have known better caused her death. Nobody meant to harm her but they made a stupid decision and it cost my beautiful baby her life and ruined my life forever. I don't think I can go on anymore. I miss her every second of every day. What am I supposed to do now? I don't want to be here anymore but I have 2 other children (3.5 years and 9 months). I still ask God every night to turn back time so I can save her. She was so special and smart. I couldn't wait to see what she was going to do when she grew up. Everyone who met her loved her instantly. She was a light in the world and the light of our family and now she's gone. I don't understand why this happened to us or why this happened to her. Maybe I did something to deserve this terrible life sentance but certainly Char never did anything to anyone. Why did this happen?

[mikesmum]

Angela - Charlotte's mum. I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl. I wish I had some words of wisdom to answer your questions, to ease the ache, but unfortunately I have none that would suffice.

I am glad that you have decided to post here. You will find those here are like no other family you have known. This is the place to come, to share thoughts, feelings and most of all the story of your child. Yes, it does say Loss of an Adult Child, but I think you will find the ages of the children lost here range from 'stillborn' through to older adults. The loss of a child is just that, a parent has lost their child. So you are in the right place.

Just looking Charlottes picture, I can see what you mean about her being the light in your life.

One thing I will tell you, and I believe this with all my heart...none of us have done or could ever do anything in this world that deserves the life long punishment that is the loss of a child.

Come here often, post when you can, read if you like. Tell us more about Charlotte and her siblings when you are able...sometimes it helps to talk to those who truly understand.

Be kind to yourself over these days ~ Trudi

[517958]

Thanks Trudi. I'm feeling pretty low right now. I know nobody can say something to take away the pain but it does help to hear from others that understand this terrible state I'm in. I yearn for my baby so much. I don't know what to do without her. Sometimes I just think I'm going crazy. My mind doesn't work. I'm so tired I've got to go to bed. I'm glad I reached out though and will post more maybe tomorrow if I'm able.Thank you for responding.

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: My heart wrenched as I read of your dispatching an ambulance to a 31 year old male, when just 4 weeks before, you stood in that same room, not knowing that the ambulance being dispatched was to your own 31 year old son. And your employers thought you weren't traumatized...they must be made of stone!

Love the pics of the kids...like Dee says, that Zak, looks the least like all of you, yet there is that Trudi look in his eyes, catching your heart as he looks askance at you. And that precious Zeya, all cuteness and her little toes curled into the sofa, snuggled against the grandma she loves so much. Rest easy, my friend. The grandies are great to have around, and as you say, they are our oxygen, but we need the rest also. I am sorry that you are feeling the funk right now. I am reaching out, hugging you, and sending love and peace out to your heart.

Angela: I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl. You are so new to this journey, the pain is searing, all-consuming, and it is so difficult to think of your other babies right now. Take one day at a time, one moment, one minute if need be...try hard to take care of yourself. As Trudi says, not one person on this site has done anything to deserve this pain that we hold in our hearts, the pain of losing a precious child. Please come, when you are able, and tell us about your beautiful Charlotte. All of us here love to hear about each other's angels.

Betsy: Thanks for sharing the picture of your brother and the two boys...Chris and Patrick. I am so sorry that you and your brother had to suffer such loss.

Lorri: I hope the Zpac has helped you to feel better. I always find that when I am really sick like that, my emotions are more raw than usual, and all of the pain and feelings of loss come back as though everything happened just a week or so ago. I hope you are feeling better soon, though I know that with the coming dates and holidays, your strength will be drained. My heart goes out to you.

Kathy: Glad to hear that you were able to get some yard work done. Were you and Barry able to finish the set up for Jessica's garden this summer? You may have mentioned it, but I don't recall. I remember seeing pictures of it before you moved, and it was beautiful.

IZZI: I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. As others have said, this is the place to be and you will find comfort, understanding and compassion. You can share your memories, your sorrow, and your love for your Zoe.

Polly: I am so glad that your son, Cameron, was okay through the accident. Yes, as you said, the car is replaceable, and I am glad that Cameron made it out all right. As others have said, we tend to worry so much about the children we still have, and it is hard to let them live their lives without hovering over them to be sure they will be okay.

Colleen: So very sorry that you are feeling closer to the "pit." As these holidays loom, and the colder weather, along with the early darkness, I find it seems to contribute to that "step back" that we experience. Prayers for you, as you work your way through it, again.

Dee: Your advice to those new to this site is always so kind and loving. But then, you are a kind and loving person. I hope that Jon and Shannon are having the time of their lives...when are they expected back?

I've some more pics to share...some of the beach, some of the state park near the beach, where we walked for a bit. The heart arch is a public access way to the beach, and the bushes have grown over to form this beautiful arch. At the beginning of the walkway, was a heart carved into the sidewalk before the concrete set. The last four pics were taken at my sil's house in Western Virginia. The one of the mountain is the mountain that we went OVER instead of taking the highway into her town, like we should have. The area surrounding where she lives is just breathtaking. The last one, of the road, is the actual road into her property. I can't even imagine trying to get out of there through the snow. I will post some pics of the girls tomorrow.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Char's mom - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful five year old little girl! I have no words, I just wanted you to know you are welcome here! There are others here who have lost younger children. I'm glad you found us.

Zoe's mom - I'm equally sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. You've come to the right place. We can't take away the pain, but we will hold your hand as you walk through it.

It will get softer for all of you newbies.

[Guest msnher]

We are not cat people. We are dog people. But, somehow, this 2 pound kitten is the new ruler of our home. The whole family, including the dog, stop to watch his antics. Even Gary has been won over. He is now taking pictures of the feline sleeping.

[Susie_q512]

Dee - As always, words of wisdom and compassion flow from you toward others. You are indeed a very special woman !

Angela - So very sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful daughter, but glad you found you way here. Her exuberance reminds me of my daughter, Shannon. That huge smile and full of life and love expression....breathtaking! All of us understand wanting to turn back time. We all wrestle with the "what if" and "if only"...maybe we always will. I often refer to this grief as being a real entity with a life and mind of its own. It's a real monster that we battle every moment of every day. Some days we win the day's battle (at least to some degree), most days we lose. One foot in front of the other. One moment at a time. Sometimes all we can do is breathe, and that's enough. Like others here often say, try to take care of yourself. Rest when you can, cry when you need to, try to eat a little something every day. I was told by a lady who lost her son earlier this year in a car accident, "You're going to want to die, but you have to be strong and remember that you have another daughter who needs you." This woman was a stranger to us, but she came to the funeral home, shed tears for Shannon and our family, and gave me words that I believe I needed to hear. Had someone else said those words to me, I may have taken offense, but she and I shared this grief of losing a child....both broken heart-ed Mothers...so her words were received and I actually heard the truth in them. I am so thankful that she was compelled to come there, put her arms around me, and speak this truth to me. I am not quite 8 weeks into this journey, but everyday I remember her words. Although I am functioning with only 1/2 my heart, I remind myself daily that Ragan is still here with me. She is the other 1/2 of my heart, and she needs me, so I get up and do what I can and don't worry about what I can't do. Big hug to you and prayers for comfort and peace.

Lorri - Sure hope you are feeling better. Tuesday will be the 8 week mark for me and another dreaded date for you. I will hold you extra close to my heart that day.

Izzy - Beautiful pictures of Zoe. Especially love the ones of her and her sister. Although I treasure all the pictures I have of Shannon, I truly love the ones of her and Ragan just being sisters....they loved each other so much, and what a deep and special bond they shared. Looks like the same is true for your girls. One of the hardest things for us to do is take care of ourselves....eating poses a great challenge. I recommend Ensure, Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks and bananas...even a bowl of cereal will do. The weaker we become physically from lack of eating, lack of sleep and the emotional stress we are under, the harder it is to get through the minutes of our days and nights. If those things don't work, maybe you can contact your doctor about an appetite stimulant? So early in this journey, and yet you show great strength, wisdom and a genuine concern for others. So glad you found your way here.

Polly - Can't imagine what you felt when you found out Cameron was involved in that accident, but so very thankful that he is safe. So sorry that you too are struggling with such sadness. I agree with folks here, that with the holidays approaching, we are in a funk....well, a "bigger or more difficult" funk than the usual everyday funk.

Trudi and Carol - LOVED the pictures you two posted !!

Leah - You doing okay??? Think about you every day.

Susannah - I love your "ramblings", so keep rambling

Kate - Beautiful words, "Let the tears fall." Really wish some days that the flood gates would open and my tears could fall like rain....still waiting for that to happen.

No lie, I love seeing Shannon's BIG beautiful face when I post !!!

Susan

[ericasmom]

Susan, I would say the same to you, so new on this road and yet offering your hand, your heart to those new as well. Kindness springs forth.

Char's Mom, I love the photo of your precious Girl, love her name it suits her so. YOu are aching as we all know and I am so sorry for the sadness that led you to us. We will hold you in our hearts from here on out, just come and talk as we do and you will come to know us. Do not worry about learning our names or our Angels names, it will happen just by reading here. I think your Girl is shining on you as you struggle to find sense in the day knowing that you must for your other children. I did not have such a chore as you, my Son was 21 when Erica died, and he lived with friends though moved back home to his Daddy's house, (two blocks from me) after she died. But I did not have to take care of anyone but me when Erica died so I tip my hat to all of you that must still operate for young ones. Sometimes it forces you to find the goodness in a day, other times it can place your grief in a jar that only can be opened when you are alone, it is tricky. Be kind and careful with yourself, understand that reaching out for help is a good thing, hard for those of us who are and always have been greatly independent. But if you need someone to make dinners for a while, see if there is such a person. Lord knows if we lived near each other, we would be your taxi, your cook, your housekeeper, your shoulder. From here however, we can be your sisters and brothers and your friend.

[Zoes_Momma]

Morning Char's mom. Oh, I am so very sad to hear of the loss of your precious baby. I have just begun coming here as well. You are right: no one can say the right thing to take away your pain. It is yours and yours alone. But sadly all here know how devastating it is to lose a child. I too do not know how to go on, though I keep breathing. My mind is distracted so often. It's like I am living outside myself. Zoë is never out of my thoughts. Some days are so hard I wish I were completely alone in the world so that I could just crawl in a dark hole alone and be still. Other days I am so very grateful I am not alone so that I still feel a sense of purpose to continue. I guess what I am saying is that I can relate to everything you are saying and I am so sorry we are going through this. My thoughts are with you today. Hoping you slept well and thank you so much for being here. I feel less crazy and less alone being here. Love and peace, izzi

Thanks Trudi. I'm feeling pretty low right now. I know nobody can say something to take away the pain but it does help to hear from others that understand this terrible state I'm in. I yearn for my baby so much. I don't know what to do without her. Sometimes I just think I'm going crazy. My mind doesn't work. I'm so tired I've got to go to bed. I'm glad I reached out though and will post more maybe tomorrow if I'm able.Thank you for responding.

[Zoes_Momma]

Dee, thank you for writing, Zoë's husband, Aaron, and son, Riley just moved here (along with her "2nd mom/mother-in-law) a couple of months ago. I have to admit I was so very excited to know they would be here with me but the first day we all got together it was just a horrid reminder that Zoë is gone. I bawled for hours. Now things are better though every time I see Riley I ache for his loss. And when I see Aaron I cannot help but wonder how does a young (24 years) widower make a new life without his beloved wife and the mother of his child. He still does not work and is not in school. He rarely leaves the house. He carries Riley on his shoulder all day and all night. My heart just breaks for him. MY daughter Tyler has many struggles. We are not from Utah. When Zoë got ill she, Aaron, and Riley were living in his hometown of Waco, TX and Tyler and I were home in Northern California. We all (Tyler, me, Aaron, and his mom Tina) quit our jobs and everyone relocated to Utah to take Zoë to the Huntsman Cancer Center. (We have family in Utah.) Now that she is gone we are staying in Utah because this is where the family is and I need my mom. Tyler has no friends here. She cannot relate to kids her age and their "stupid, trivial issues" after watching her sister die such a horrible death. She cannot sleep and drinks herself to sleep each and every night. I am terrified that she will die from her addiction and so is she. But she cannot cope and will not get help. She doesn't want to move out because she worries about me (and she relies heavily on me for her comfort). Like your son, Tyler does not talk about Zoë's death or her pain much. Never to others; occasionally to me. She says "she is dead and that's just reality. Why talk about it?" Every boy she dates drops her very quickly because she has a very strong personality and says was she thinks without considering how it affects them. Basically, she scares the sh•t out of them. She is so lonely. It is so hard to watch my beautiful, smart, and funny 20 year old waste away in this apartment. Any way, she does try: she has a job, goes to family functions, hangs out with her little nephew Riley, and she and I spend most of our time laughing and enjoying one another. I guess what's hard is that we feel alone in our experience. I wish she would talk with other sibling survivors, but she won't. It is just sad. Thanks for letting me spill my story out. quote name='ericasmom' timestamp='1321139515' post='80565']

Izzi, your gallery is lovely, the two Sisters joined by such strong love, beautiful smiles. I am so sorry for your ache. Does Zoe's Child and husband live near you? Are you able to see them often? How is your Daughter doing? My Son was 21 when Eri died, it was so very hard on him, he really survived through the love of friends and family. He stayed to himself a great deal, does not share his emotions about Erica's death very often, he just can't. I worried all the time about him, just as you are doing now with your Daughter, most of us report having hyper-fear relating to our Children after losing a Child. Jonathan got married one week ago today to a lovely woman named Shannon. They are in Hawaii now on their Honeymoon.

Lorri, have your anti-biotics begun to kick in yet?

[517958]

Thanks everyone for the thoughts. This journey is so hard and there's something new every day that tears my heart more. Today I found out my cousin had a baby boy. She had her oldest daughter the same time I had Charlotte, her middle daughter the same time I had Julia and now a son, 9 months after I had my son. So now her family is what my family was and should have been. Just 9 months ago I was right where she is. My family was finally complete and we were blissfully happy. I thanked God every day for what he had given me. Now it's ruined.

I'm sorry for your losses as well. Maybe we don't even have to say "I'm sorry" to each other because we all know how horrible, painful and devastating this is. I appreciate the words of wisdom and hope.

[Zoes_Momma]

Susan--> Thanks for looking at my pictures of Zoë and our family. I so love looking at them. We were all so happy then. Food is an issue. Like Jessica's mom said: everything tastes like cardboard. However, I did eat a slew of my "famous" potato salad last night! mmmmm. It's nice to enjoy the taste of food. Most days I have to remind myself to eat. I always eat something at night because Tyler is watching me and I know that for her to be okay she must SEE that I am okay.

Polly--> Thank you for all of your words of compassion. You are so right that it helps immensely to be in a place where others truly understand. I am so very sorry that your son had cancer. It is just a horrifying disease. Can I ask what is was like for you when you learned he had cancer? For me it was like a fast train to hell. To lose Zoë so quickly...I never had a chance to exhale. I think I'll post the whole experience in a separate post.

Sherry--> Two children... I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for welcoming me. I feel so much less alone here. And I feel such love. Thank you.

To you all--> Thank you for being here on this journey with me.

[aim630]

Izzi-I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful Zoe. I'm also sorry that Tyler is struggling to cope. My 18 yr old, Katie, finds it difficult also, listening to some of her friends' trivial problems. I wish there was some group, such as we've found here, to help them cope. I haven't found one yet.

Angela-I'm also sorry you lost your sweet little Char. My heart goes out to you. It is especially difficult to deal with other families who seem so complete, yet we have a huge hole in ours.

You have both come to the right place. Please continue to share stories of your angels. It really does help.

I lost my 23 yr old Ashley to complications of the flu about 21 months ago, and really don't know how I would've survived without the people here.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Susie_q512]

Hello Everyone - So far, so good for me today. I've been productive, although working at a much slower pace than in the past. Kitchen and living room thoroughly cleaned, stuff taken to the garage for me to go through later this week, about to start dinner and clean the bathroom... hallelujah !!! Still have so much to do. My co-worker is giving me her old sofa, love-seat and tables....another prayer answered as I need to clean out an extra room downstairs so that my niece and her kids can have their own space. Didn't know how I was going to furnish it, and now the way has been provided. Still a lot of cleaning out and reorganizing to do, but her husband is bringing the furniture this coming weekend, so that's my motivation to keep going with the clean-up.

Thanksgiving is working itself out. Both Shannon's boyfriend and one of Ragan's friends will be alone this holiday. We can't stand that thought, so I will cook a simple meal and they will be with us that day. Normally we visit Jeff's family and get our tree Thanksgiving Day, but we didn't want to do that this year....all in all, I guess things are working out okay...or at least as they should. Glad I can focus on making their holiday a little brighter rather than focusing on how stinky ours is at the moment.

I gotta get off my butt and get busy. I'll check in later tonight or in the morning. Much love and many prayers for peace being sent to each of you.

[Guest msnher]

I stared at the picture of Stephanie's face on her virtual memorial with Sarah McLachlan singing "I will remember you" . The loss is just as deep now as it was two years ago. It's not as sharp though. I think the raw hole her death left has scarred over and now it's just a hollow hole that seeps once in a while. The hole didn't get filled with anything else, I've just learned to live with it. Maybe it was so painful initially because it was such a fresh wound. The wound hasn't healed. It won't ever heal. There will always be a hole there, but it has developed a callous so it doesn't sting as badly when the wind blows through or the sun shines. Before the sun on her absence was like salt on an open wound....now I can feel the sun and enjoy it. There are times, however, that the hollow, empty sound of the wind blowing through the hole my daughter's death left is so loud that all I can do is stop and listen to its silence.

[summergirl]

Well this is the 4th time I have tried to post and have lost the last 3 so I think I better just say I love you all and I will come tomorrow evening and talk......Sweet dreams and Peace, Kathy

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

I stared at the picture of Stephanie's face on her virtual memorial with Sarah McLachlan singing "I will remember you" . The loss is just as deep now as it was two years ago. It's not as sharp though. I think the raw hole her death left has scarred over and now it's just a hollow hole that seeps once in a while. The hole didn't get filled with anything else, I've just learned to live with it. Maybe it was so painful initially because it was such a fresh wound. The wound hasn't healed. It won't ever heal. There will always be a hole there, but it has developed a callous so it doesn't sting as badly when the wind blows through or the sun shines. Before the sun on her absence was like salt on an open wound....now I can feel the sun and enjoy it. There are times, however, that the hollow, empty sound of the wind blowing through the hole my daughter's death left is so loud that all I can do is stop and listen to its silence.

[lolynbo]

Just took kody to town for a burrito. On the way home it took my breath away to think Tuesday's coming and I don't want it to. 4 yrs since I've heard kourtneys voice. I don't think anyone understands or frickn. Area what that day means. I thought I wld stay home from kourtneys Kloset And then my sister says "i want u to go to the doc with me". I wish I had the BALLS TO SAY IF THE Day doesn't mean anything to you why wld the doc mean anything to me. I dont know what I will do that day maybe god will be good to me and not even bother to wake me up at all.

[Susie_q512]

I stared at the picture of Stephanie's face on her virtual memorial with Sarah McLachlan singing "I will remember you" . The loss is just as deep now as it was two years ago. It's not as sharp though. I think the raw hole her death left has scarred over and now it's just a hollow hole that seeps once in a while. The hole didn't get filled with anything else, I've just learned to live with it. Maybe it was so painful initially because it was such a fresh wound. The wound hasn't healed. It won't ever heal. There will always be a hole there, but it has developed a callous so it doesn't sting as badly when the wind blows through or the sun shines. Before the sun on her absence was like salt on an open wound....now I can feel the sun and enjoy it. There are times, however, that the hollow, empty sound of the wind blowing through the hole my daughter's death left is so loud that all I can do is stop and listen to its silence.

Susannah - You really should consider writing...you have a gift !

[ericasmom]

Tuesday will be tough Lorri, but you know tough don't you? I know that you are aching Lorri, but I for one am glad that you woke up today and I will be glad when you wake up Tuesday as well. So many around you that love and depend on your Big Heart.But I get it, I do, the pain bigger than the day and even your bones are sad.

Kathy, how frustrating, good night. I am soon to follow and should have gotten to bed by now but want to post something from a book I finished reading today.

The book jumped off the shelf at me due to its title: I Have Just Lately Started Buying Wings. It is a series of stories adn letters written by the author to various people in her life. Author is Kim Kuppermann. Anyhow there were parts of this memoir that I loved, some parts that were too long and I got bored, but for the most part, I enjoyed the way she writes. Anyhow, at the end, the author says: The day my mother died she reminded me to take care of memory as if it were my child. Infuse it with images and sounds and that invisible thing in the gut that falls through the center of the body when one is alarmed or aroused, stunned or stunning. I believe she was telling me instead to take all that I remembered with me, as if it had a hand I could hold, a body I could love, the acuity to rename everything possessed of a beating heart.

I love that paragraph and when I read it this morning I thought that I would share that here with all of you as a means of comfort in the ache that unites us. We take it with us, the memories, the sounds, the visions, the ache, the loss, the human we lost. WE take them with us everywhere we go, they are as much a part of us as we are a part of them.

[Guest msnher]

Thanks, Susan. Writing is good therapy for me. It has been since I was young. I'm just too lazy and undisciplined to do anything about it.

Lorri, you and I will probably live to be 110.

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: I have the same song on Mike's memorial site...it is not on the first page, but on the page that is dedicated to Mike and Cathi. As most of you know, Cathi sang the song at his service, at his request, and we put her recording of it with her page for Mike on his memorial site. When I see that page and hear the song, I hear not only the words, but I feel the missing that she was feeling while recording it, even before he was gone, she was missing him. She recorded the song in a studio, about a week before Mike died, so of course, the beauty of that was that he actually got to hear her sing it for him. The hole you spoke of so eloquently (and yes, you are eloquent when you write, my friend) and the times when you can "only stop and listen to the silence" speaks so loudly for all of us here. You are able to put into words what we feel, what we know is in our heart, but can't sometimes find the words for. Thank you for sharing your gift with us, for helping us find words for our feelings.

Kathy: I am so sorry that you posted three times and lost your post each time...truly frustrating. I hope you have a good week ahead, one with peace-filled moments, reflections of the good memories that warm your heart.

Dee: Thank you for sharing your book with us. I love the paragraph you quoted...yes, we do take those memories with us, thankfully. Painfully at first, but as time goes by, they are our core, our strength. Our treasure.

Lorri: Oh, Lorri, I wish I could spend Tuesday with you. I would let you talk about Kourtney, talk about your feelings, your pain, your memories. I would let you just talk all day if that is what you want, or I would let you sleep all day, if that is what you want. I could only hope that either would bring you some respite from the pain you feel over losing our beautiful daughter. Watching Mike die of cancer, unable to stop its insidiousness, helpless in everything but loving him, killed a huge portion of my heart. But I can't imagine watching over him for months, hoping every moment of every day that he would wake up and all would be well again. The dates you speak of will be with you always. We can't help it. Our minds take us back there, even though we want to stop the thoughts from coming. My heart to you, dear, as you make your way through these next months.

Susan: I am glad that you were able to accomplish some things today and feel good about it. We did a lot today, also, putting away the stuff from our trip, gathering laundry (I KNOW I did laundry while we were gone, so HOW did we come home with so much of it to do?), etc. Even now, when doing those kinds of things, I must stop and regroup in my brain, and regroup in my body, because both shut down at times, refusing to cooperate. But, we did manage to wade our way through most of it and get it put away. Thankfully.

Amy: How is Katie doing? Does she get home often? I am assuming she will at least be home for Thanksgiving? How is your hubby doing?

Betsy: Will Sarah be coming to your house for Thanksgiving dinner? We haven't decided yet what we are doing. I heard a commercial on TV tonight where someone asked what they were making for Thanksgiving dinner and the answer was "reservations." Sounds good to me. Or, as some here have said, let's just skip it. It's really odd, though. Cathi used to not care much about Thanksgiving day. She saw it as an endless chore, winding up with a few minutes together at the dinner table, eating food that she didn't even like, though she did put on a good act and pretended that she was enjoying it. Now, it is as if the day MUST happen, and we MUST have those things that Mike loved...the squash, the turkey gravy, the desserts...pumpkin pie with a carton of cool whip dumped on top. Mike loved all those "family" type things and relished the experience.

Ralph and I were talking today about how much we miss Mike, and we both realized that what we miss now, for some weird reason, is the "grown up" Mike that he was still becoming. I know that he was 31 when he died, but he had only just 2 years before his diagnosis begun to "settle down." He and Sarah had married, he had gotten a new, steady, good-paying job with really good benefits at a great company, they had just had Damon. Things that were happening were encouraging him to realize that his dream of the "family" type of life he had wanted for himself as an adult were finally happening, and we were truly enjoying watching all of this happen. Then...it all stopped. His field of vision (figuratively) was involuntarily narrowed so much, so soon, after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer (5 months after he and Sarah married)..first he couldn't work any longer, then he had a few months with no chemo, no radiation, and no tumor....a brief respite for which we were all so thankful. Then, it was all back, a new, inoperable tumor, and from then on he never had a chance to "grow" into that life he had so longed for--he was caught up in trying to make it one more month, one more week, one more day. We miss that stage of his life, that whole period of time when he would have watched his kids grow, would have shared his adult life with his wife. We miss it for ourselves, and for his sisters, but mostly we miss it for him. I am afraid that I sound selfish, and I sincerely apologize for that, because so many of you never got to see your kids grow up at all, and we had Mike til he was 31. And we have his kids. But, as Mike always said, "It is what it is," and for each of us, the journey is different, and yet so the same. Each of us had our lives altered, forever. Each of us lives with that "hole" that Susannah described, and the pain is forever. Different over time, but forever. I am so very, very sorry for those of you who didn't get to see your child grow to adulthood and experience all of the life that happens along the way. I see that pain in my sister's eyes. Her children were 16, 14, 12 and 8 when she lost them. She is now 84, come next month. And she misses them terribly, even now, after almost 40 years. But I think what she misses the most is who they would have become; who else they would have in their lives, as adults. Being near 84, I think she feels she is closer than ever to seeing them again, and this give her a sense of joy. I wonder if they will be grown? Jamie (our grandson by Cathi, who is now 13) once said "Children who go to Heaven can decide whether or not they want to grow up." He said this completely out of the blue one day, when he was about 6 or 7. I wonder.

I am rambling. I apologize. Too many thoughts rushing through my brain at the same time. My fingers should not be on the keys when this is happening to me.

Tomorrow, (Monday, actually, today) Ralph goes for his 2nd six month check for his kidney cancer surgery. A few things have happened recently to make me concerned and I am glad he is going for a full check up with the surgeon. He will do an MRI, lab work, etc. Please murmur (or scream, whichever is your style) a prayer that all will be well, or that we will be able to handle whatever comes our way.

I will end this post with a few more pics, to include some of the girls and Kim, taken mostly at the beach. Rebekah is 14, and Rachel is 10. Rebekah used to be very shy, very introverted. She has now blossomed into a very well-spoken young lady. She will carry on a conversation with you and leave you wondering when she will come back and talk to you some more, and hoping that it will be soon. Rachel is one of those kids who is "10 going on 30." She is a joy, a puzzle, a 10 year old who is enjoying being 10, but has the wisdom of someone much older and the compassion of someone who has lived through much sorrow, which, unfortunately, she has. She hasn't let it crush her spirit though, and her smile melts you, and her laugh encourages you to believe that life can bring you joy, no matter the path of pain the joy has to wend its way through.

(for some reason, I was unable to make a few of the pics small. You will have to right click on the one of Ralph, the one of Kim with the girls, and the last one, a picture of Rachel that I "fiddled" with on my computer program, and turned it into a "dry brush" rendition) The picture of the red leaves was taken while Kim and I sat in a parking lot waiting for a seafood restaurant to open. We had gotten there 30 minutes early and sat there chatting. This scene was directly across the street from where we sat and it just jumped out at us...Mike saying, "helllloooo... I'm over here.")

[ericasmom]

Carol, I did as you asked and will continue to murmur prayers and hope for Ralph's check up. I stared at Ralph by the sea, your lovely husband with the backdrop that eases all worries, and asked Dear God, to help him receive good news and feel joy.

Your photos are like the way you write Carol, beautiful and filled with the elements that allow the reader/viewer to be right there. Love you.

All those new to this place, please know that the quote I posted is as Carol reminded, it isn't always a possibility to take all memories with you at the early stages and many panic that they will indeed forget the goodness and joy from the past. Let me please assure you that you will not forget and that those golden memories will be there later on for you to ponder and leaf through. They will remain a part of you for all of time, as they always will be a part of your Angels. They take us everywhere with them as we do the same taking them everywhere with us.

[Susie_q512]

Dee - Beautiful quote from the book; So true. Thanks for sharing it with us today.

Carol - Enjoyed the pictures you posted of your girls. Rachel's smile and expression remind me a lot of Shannon. I understand what you mean by having to regroup when busy trying to accomplish the things we need to be doing....think that's why I work so much slower nowadays. I do catch myself being envious of those who had their child for longer than I had Shannon, but then I think of those who have lost children at much younger ages. Although 16 years was not nearly enough time, I am thankful for the time that she was mine. I miss and long for the future that was ahead for her. She had plans, goals, dreams....I hate that those things were taken from her and from her family. I will be saying prayers for Ralph....I know how difficult it is to wait for the results of these kinds of tests. My sister-in-law has stage 4 non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. She has been in remission for about 2 years, but now her scans are revealing that it's back. She started treatment, but it wasn't working, so they stopped it. She had a bone marrow biopsy on Friday, and now the waiting to get the results has begun....cancer is the black cloud that just hangs over those who have it....even if you get a respite, it's still hanging around. Won't know what treatment, it any, will be available for her until the results come back.

Well, I need to get myself up and try to get some things done.....fingers are crossed.

Love to all !

[Guest msnher]

We are blessed with many gifted writers on this forum and you, Carol, are one of them. You are also a gifted photographer...so is Betsy. I love the photos you posted. Love the one of Ralph on the beach. Kiss his cheek for me. And, the one of Rachel laughing on the beach with a wave behind her....that could be a greeting card...well, so could the sunset and, well, all of them!

Thank you for sharing Mike's journey with us. It seems so unfair. If something were to happen to me I hope I can have half the grace Mike had. Prayers for Ralph, definitely. Please keep us informed! We are hoping to get out there next summer. I've told Gary so much about both of you he feels like he knows you already.

I asked my sister if it was harder to lose her son when he was two (drowning) or her 18 year old (suicide) or if there was a difference at all. A whole new set of guilt goes with the suicide, but she is also full of regret and guilt over her two year old. She said it's just different. Neither easier than the other. She said she grieves not being able to raise her baby. She also had more time to know James so she misses more about him. The pain is the same. This may sound cold or cruel, but I can make sense out of Stephanie's death. I don't like it (her dying) but I get it. I can see the wisdom behind it if there truly are spiritual forces at work, and I believe there are. It was a terrible price to pay...a huge sacrifice...but, it may have been the only way to save her children. I don't think it would hurt less if it didn't make sense.

Whether we lose them when they are young or mature our child is still gone.

Well.....I have a doctor's appt today. Yuck! I absolutely hate going to the doctor. I hate everything about it. I hate giving them my money to have them tell me what's wrong with me (which I already knew) and that there is nothing they can do about it. Well, that's not exactly true. They can do surgery on the cyst on my ovary, but I said just leave it. I'm glad I get to tell him I quit smoking, it might make the fact that I've gained 30 pounds a little easier. I have to have a complete physical because Gary has a new job and that means new insurance. I kid you not...I hate it!

[Chads Mom]

Izzi: Yes, a fast train to hell is a good way to sum it up. I think our reaction to finding out Chad had cancer was just numbness…. I felt like I was drowning, I felt helpless. There just wasn’t enough time to wrap my mind around the fact that he was going to die. I spend much of my time wishing there had been more time… I know selfish right?? But a little under 2 months was just not enough, I guess no amount of time would have been enough. I am so sorry you and all of us have to go through any of this I wish I could make it all go away. I understand your feelings with your daughter, my son will not touch on the subject with me at this point in time. A few days after Chad’s funeral he drank him self silly and ended up having his heart stop on my front lawn. When he came around all of the pain and misery came pouring out of him like a poison since then he hasn’t said a word and it scares me. If you ever want to go to lunch to cry, laugh, or just talk it out just say the word. I’m here and I understand………..

Angela: I am so sorry you are missing your sweet little girl Char. I wish I could give you a big hug.. When you are ready you should share some more pictures of her with us here.

Lorri: I wish Tuesday would just skip right over to Wednesday for you. Thinking of you and your beautiful angel Kourtney.

Carol: Thinking of you all and sending a prayer your way for a good outcome on the tests for Ralph. Your pictures made me smile somehow they were comforting, soothing, and proof that life can be good. Thank you for sharing.

Susan: I am sorry to hear about your sister-in-law it just seems so unfair to go through so much and have to go through more. My mind always goes to the same question: WHY? Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Dee: I am so glad you are a teacher god could not have chosen a better one. I think you would make a good grief counselor. I read somewhere that a good grief therapist would be someone who has walked in your shoes and truly understands your specific loss. When I am really upset I find your post make me stop and reflect. Thank you for being here…..

Susannah: Yuck I hate the doctor too. I am always so relieved when it’s over. Here’s to getting it over with and having a good outcome!

Well.. Hi ho Hi ho it’s off to work I go….

Love and peace to all Indigo’s I think of you and your angels every single day.

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[mysonrich]

Izzy and Angela, I am sorry for the loss of Zoe and Charlotte. Both beautiful and cool names. This path we walk is not one we ever imagined we would find ourselves on. There is no good way to say welcome here but I can offer my heart,my eyes and ears to all that you both now live and have lived in the life with your children and in this new life that I believe is not so far from Zoe and Charlotte.

Carol, great pictures. They always are but something is a little different. Did you get a new camera or lens? I will murmur a prayer for Ralph and a shout of thanks when he returns from his appt a-OK!

I will be going to NYC on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Sarah and I talked of viewing the parade but decided there would be way too many people present. We are going to watch as the balloons get inflated Wednesday evening. Thanksgiving day we may just have a sub,hoagie,grinder ( depends where you're from) , dinner isn't important to me. Company is as you know. Rich just seems to always be with us when we are together for holidays. The last Thanksgiving and Christmas were celebrated at his home so....Sarah and I will drive back Thursday so she can spend the evening with her dad. That is the plan right now.

Sherry, thanks for remembering Pat. I posted that pic because it was Veterans day and brother and surviving son are both vets. How did the fields turn out? I spotted a fox in a near-by field this weekend and one evening last week a beautiful buck ran in front of me as I drove. Thank goodness for peripheral vision and new brakes!

Dee, it may be that I am semi-old. Can I be semi-middle age instead?

Susannah, My mother lost at son at 14 and a daughter at 43.. My brother lost a son. I lost my son. There are many times I think we are cursed as opposed to spiritual forces at work. Good spirits anyway. I don't know. Could we ever say that our children faced a harsh, miserable life if they lived, therefore there was some kind of divine intervention?I don't know and its like my mom told me, “ there are no answers here and when we die we will know,but we won't care”. Still breathing,still caring,still lost in many ways but getting the feel of my footing in small steps.

I had a dream the other night and Maryann made an appearance. Maryann's son,Brian, died from Leukemia and she used to visited BI. I have no idea what she looks like but my mind conjured up an image. She was telling me something which I can't remember. I'll see if she still answers email.

Now, back out to the real world. Yeah,right.

[Jeff's Mom]

I had posted this in the suicide thread this morning. Thought I would mention it here. I listened to an interview this morning on CBC radio with a British psychologist and professor by the name of Stephen Joseph. He has written a book titled, What Doesn't Kill Us. He explains that we all have the capacity to triumph over adversity. He offers advice on how to cope with trauma and the loss of a child. Which by the way, he claims is the hardest and most difficult to deal with. He has offered support to people for over twenty years dealing with Post Traumatic Stress. Just thought I would mention it.

[ericasmom]

INdeed Betsy, you can be whatever term you would like, I tell my students that my ears are old, 55 year old ears that listened to rock way too loud, still do and it is hard for me to hear you when you don't enunciate and project your voices. So I blame my ears on my age, but kids mumble and I want to encourage them to SPEAK UP! Plus, my ears are old.

But yes, you can be semi-young, you could be semi-middle aged, semi-anything, just glad to know you.

Polly, why thanks so much, I hope that my experience will add something positive to those newer to this new life. Reaching out to new parents to this life is definitely part of who I am now, a purpose found in the ashes.

Peace out all,

dee

[summergirl]

Carol - it makes perfect sense to me "you miss the "grown up Mike" that he was becoming.....We too were lucky to have Jessica for 26 years, to have her child now with us and the many beautiful memories....Jessica was coming into her own also, had just been promoted at her job - she was sooooo excited, had just bought new furniture for her apartment (was delivered on Thursday, she passed on Friday night), had money in the bank and was just so very happy.....WHY was it all taken away from her, Tavian and us, I do not know and I have stopped asking as no one can answer that question and even if they did I would still not accept it......I too think I miss knowing what she would have continued to do with her life, would she have met the right man and married, would Tavian have had a brother or sister...so many things that could have been but as Dee said I carry Jessica with me wherever I go as she does me. I thank you for sharing

Yes, I hate losing posts and am afraid I will lose this one so won't stay to long.....It has been a hard day, many things on my mind.

Lorri - I for one will be very glad that you will wake up on Tuesday morning !!! You have accomplished so much in the name of your beautiful daughter Kourtney - you are needed here by many and besides that who is gonna make me laugh when I wanna cry !!! I know how much you miss her and hate this new way of life as we all do but Kourtney is smiling at you and talking about her wonderful momma to all our Angels

I love you all and pray that sleep comes with sweet dreams.....Kathy