Loss of an Adult Child

[Susie_q512]

Good grief...you know that's not true! I was just thinking about you earlier this afternoon. How are things going..apart from the tarot cards?

Aside from wanting to rip his face off....I don't know. Even after making that comment to me, I still cooked his dinner: Country Fried Steak and gravy, creamed corn, navy beans and asparagus. He thanked me for the food, then asked if I had poisoned it...."I wish !", was my response. Both yesterday and today have been difficult days for me....go figure. I am angry on so many levels at this moment that I really can't answer how I'm doing.....I'm here....I have a pulse....and I'm mad as hell....that's about all I can say. Thank you for asking...I'm not angry anyone here.

[517958]

My husband, the "Emotional Vampire", just told me that it's my fault that Shannon is dead, because I own a deck of tarot cards. He told me that I brought evil into the home, and God took her as punishment.

Show him the picture of my Charlotte and tell him I've never even seen Tarot cards (aside from the movies) and I go to church every Sunday and my Char was taken too. Here's to hoping he's just dealing with his pain the only way he knows how - by lashing out at you (unfortunately). He's displacing his anger. I have to try not to do that to my husband as I've caught myself doing that too.

[ericasmom]

Susan, is his medication or his illness coming out in this angry way? Or is he also mad as hell and you are the convienient target? If the second choice is correct, let him know that you can not be his anger target. I am holding you up and if we ever meet, can we do tarot together? I do not think that they are evil, and LORD knows that you brought only good things to Shannon's life a constant love.

[mysonrich]

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

Saying your name out loud!

[Susie_q512]

Susan, is his medication or his illness coming out in this angry way? Or is he also mad as hell and you are the convienient target? If the second choice is correct, let him know that you can not be his anger target. I am holding you up and if we ever meet, can we do tarot together? I do not think that they are evil, and LORD knows that you brought only good things to Shannon's life a constant love.

His illness, medication and guilt ridden grief are all part of his comment toward me, but it is mostly just his character shining through. Unfortunately, he's the typical bully....tear someone else down just to feel better about yourself.....very difficult man to live with. Shannon and I were his usual targets. He even went so far as to involve his family in matters and put us down constantly to them. They also verbally attacked Shannon (behind my back) for a few years.....then they started doing it on facebook, and still I stayed quite...trying to take the high road. I finally blew up. They were doing this publicly to a minor, so I dealt with each and every one of them publicly. I literally "Rocked" the facebook world that night. Threatened all of them with both physical and legal consequences. Shannon wanted me to get the two of us way from him/them. I couldn't/can't leave him because of his illness. I am loyal to a fault. Most people involved have had a change of heart since Shannon's death. I try very hard to believe in their sincerity, but I will never forget what was done to her nor the tears she shed because of them and their cruel judgments. I don't speak of these things now with my husband. I typically tell him that we probably shouldn't go there whenever the conversation starts heading in that direction. I understand he has guilt, and he should, but I'm not the one to be talking to about it. So, for him to make this comment to me, really makes me angry. Just Monday night he made a comment to his sister who was visiting that all my books are Satan Books....no one was talking along those lines....just another jab....another smear....that's his character. Knowing this about him, I question the real motive behind the comment.

I've only piddled with the cards a few times, so I'm not skilled at all, but yeah, we can do tarot together (hopefully) someday.

[Guest msnher]

Susan, no wonder your husband is such a bully, he thinks God's one, too.

[aim630]

Susan-I'm sorry your husband said hurtful things to you, and as for his family being mean to a young girl, I have no words for that. None of us did anything to deserve what happened to our kids. You can tell from Shannon's bright smile that she was well loved by you.

[aim630]

Sherry-I'm so sorry I missed Lisa's angel day yesterday, and that you had to put your beloved cat to sleep. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

Sweet little Lisa, send your mom and dad some butterfly kisses and let them know you are safe with your brother Davey and now Brownie.

[aim630]

Carol-Sending prayers your and Ralph's way. Although I know you are very worried about both Ralph and Davis, you still take the time to ask us about our families and send encouragement our way. You are always there for us. I know Mike is very proud of you, and sends you signs to let you know! I hope the test shows that nothing is wrong. We will all be praying for you.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Susie_q512]

Susan, no wonder your husband is such a bully, he thinks God's one, too.

Love your sense of humor I, fortunately, don't believe God to be a bully.....I have all the spiritual connection and near death experience books too. My collection began long before Shannon's passing, but the following week I purchased a new book on new death experiences. Nothing {short of Satanism} that I won't do to maintain my beliefs and my connection with her. Haven't ever gone the road to being an atheist, but I left church several years ago very bitter, hard-hearted and disillusioned. Jeff always has to have his way, and he chose a church that was very legalistic....hard core fundamentalists. I complied as best I could because I worked in the Christian school that they had to cover the costs of the girls tuition, but I was aware of how male dominated both the church and school were. After 8 years, I left....just couldn't do it anymore. Jeff remains there, but it feeds the critical nature of folks and also the "men rule, period" mentality. One of those places where women have to wear dresses, must remain silent in the church, must be obedient to their husbands, no secular music, and movies....most don't even own a television.....so far off the mark for me. I finally had enough....bred nothing but rebellion in me...and moved the girls to another Christian school that had values but were not controlling. Fought my husband tooth and nail, but once I've had enough, I've had enough. After he was diagnosed with cancer, I moved them both to public school. Shannon was in 9th and Ragan a Senior. Jeff was mad, but I just said too bad...couldn't afford private school any longer, not with the cost of his medical care. Think we still owe them about 8, 000 in tuition, but I'll pay them when he passes. So, I still maintain my faith in God, but I don't go to church. I am a non-practicing Christian with very strong spiritual beliefs. Drives Jeff and his family crazy, but so be it.....I'm no longer compliant.

Jeff's there tonight....going to the same church that denied us the funeral we had planned for Shannon. Didn't find out about that til we got there with her in a casket and 700 people in attendance. The preacher actually planned her funeral without any contact with any member of her family or funeral home personnel. It was a service fit for a 90 year old person....Ragan was so angry that she couldn't be controlled....she took over the pulpit for a while and stayed there until the people who were to speak were able to speak....She told the preacher when he tried to take back control to sit back down, "I've got this." We didn't have the music we had chosen played there....songs weren't "approved"....nor where the speeches, but Rae didn't care about a stamp of approval....We played our music for Shannon at the graveside...that's where her real service, the service we planned for her had to take place. Haven't spoken to Preacher nor been back since.....that last experience was enough for me.

Your comment made me smile....first smile in 2 days. Thank you.

[summergirl]

LISA, LISA, LISA....SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD AND PRAYING THAT YOUR SWEET MOM IS FEELING YOUR PRESENCE AND YOU ARE SMILING UPON HER.....

[Guest msnher]

Amy - Amen, amen and amen...regarding Carol!

Susan - Good for you and good for Ragen! Look for Shannon, Susan. She'll show herself to you. Maybe not in the way you want to see her, but she's around you. No body is better at seeing their child's presence than Ralph and Carol. Their faith helped me start looking, too. Dee has the story/experience of the light beam showing up immediately on a walk after talking to Eri. I had a wild bird land on my shoulder. I believe our children are all around us. I believe they brought each one of us together. Even baby Xavier had a hand in bringing his mommy to us. I believe he is surrounded by our angels. I know Stephanie is all over him and Lisa and playing with Zachy...You know Jessica and Kourtney are right there too...and, Lord knows Eri, Brian (both of them) helped Char's mommy find us. Shannon is among them.......I've seen it.

I've never really "claimed" to have the gift. Just sometimes I get to see stuff and/or souls. Funny....during my bible thumpin', Jesus savin' days my pastor said I had the gift of revelation. My "gifts" were widely accepted then...until my nephew who killed himself started showing up. Then they said it was Satan. Well, I knew that wasn't right because my grandfather, who died when I was 5, was with me during my first foster home (it was abusive). I was 10. A couple of angel's from this site told me some things and I shared it with their moms and it turned out to be right on and I got real arrogant and thought I was psychic. Well, I'm NOT psychic...I don't even have the gift of revelation. I didn't know that until I totally screwed up what I thought I knew about Diane's son's death. I meant no harm, but I was WRONG!! Since then, I've turned off all circuits to the unknown...except for trying to conjure up Steph through prayer and candles. It didn't work, but I scared myself. Anyway...there is no reason for me to share all that with you other than the fact I talk a lot......I say a lot of nothing to get to my point and my point is your daughter will reveal herself to you. Not because I know, but because I believe.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

SUS YOU CAN CHANNEL KOURTNEY ANYTIME U WANT. I WONT HOLD IT AGAINST YA

[Guest msnher]

Lorri, I wish! She just showed up without notice that one time. "Tell my mom to quit trying so hard." I promise if she ever shows up again you will be the first to know.

[lolynbo]

I know I think of that often. I still thank you

[Susie_q512]

Amy - Amen, amen and amen...regarding Carol!

Susan - Good for you and good for Ragen! Look for Shannon, Susan. She'll show herself to you. Maybe not in the way you want to see her, but she's around you. No body is better at seeing their child's presence than Ralph and Carol. Their faith helped me start looking, too. Dee has the story/experience of the light beam showing up immediately on a walk after talking to Eri. I had a wild bird land on my shoulder. I believe our children are all around us. I believe they brought each one of us together. Even baby Xavier had a hand in bringing his mommy to us. I believe he is surrounded by our angels. I know Stephanie is all over him and Lisa and playing with Zachy...You know Jessica and Kourtney are right there too...and, Lord knows Eri, Brian (both of them) helped Char's mommy find us. Shannon is among them.......I've seen it.

I've never really "claimed" to have the gift. Just sometimes I get to see stuff and/or souls. Funny....during my bible thumpin', Jesus savin' days my pastor said I had the gift of revelation. My "gifts" were widely accepted then...until my nephew who killed himself started showing up. Then they said it was Satan. Well, I knew that wasn't right because my grandfather, who died when I was 5, was with me during my first foster home (it was abusive). I was 10. A couple of angel's from this site told me some things and I shared it with their moms and it turned out to be right on and I got real arrogant and thought I was psychic. Well, I'm NOT psychic...I don't even have the gift of revelation. I didn't know that until I totally screwed up what I thought I knew about Diane's son's death. I meant no harm, but I was WRONG!! Since then, I've turned off all circuits to the unknown...except for trying to conjure up Steph through prayer and candles. It didn't work, but I scared myself. Anyway...there is no reason for me to share all that with you other than the fact I talk a lot......I say a lot of nothing to get to my point and my point is your daughter will reveal herself to you. Not because I know, but because I believe.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

I, too have had many experiences. I'm not psychic, but I do have gifts....thinking I may have been too close to Shannon to get the info needed at the time of her passing. I was having dreams that I knew were disturbing and important, but I could never remember them. Shannon was too...for several months prior to her death. The day of the accident, she awoke from a dream. She came straight to me. She said, "Mommy, I had the worst dream ever. I dreamed Lexi (her new puppy) was killed in a terrible accident. It was horrible. It was so horrible." She mentioned this dream about 4 or five times in the course of maybe 2 1/2 hours. Every time she mentioned it, I had this awful feeling, but I kept telling myself that Lexi did not represent Shannon in the dream. Premonitory dreams are almost never about the dreamer, but rather someone close to them or somehow connected to them. Still, I had a feeling. When we were leaving the house, me to go to work, her to stop by Johnny's pizza and visit Ragan then head to her babysitting job, we did the usual hug, kisses and goodbyes. I had that feeling. Told her to be careful driving. No using her phone. Straight there. Straight home. Call me when you get there, call be when you leave. I got to my car and stopped. I looked at her. I felt like it would be the last time I would see my daughter alive. I went back to her. Hugged her again. Told her I loved her. Repeated everything about being careful driving. Got into my car, still had that feeling. Stopped behind her car, let down the passenger window, and said "I mean it, Shannon. You be careful. I'm serious." More I loves you's. She laughed at me and said, "Don't worry, Mommy. I love you too. I'll be careful. Nothings going to happen, I promise. We'll watch movies together and have a girls' night when I get home." I pulled out. She pulled out in the opposite direction, and 3 minutes later was killed in a terrible accident that was both awful and horrible. Can't tell you how many times that replays in my mind and I wish I had paid attention to my intuition and stopped her from driving. I will always carry that guilt and regret. wonder why I've been able to "see" so many things but missed the most important....the threat to my daughter. One day I may trust that intuition more....wish I had trusted it that day.

[ericasmom]

There are so many would have, should have, stories, I have several as well. I had nightmares-4 in total surrounding ERi and something terrible about to happen to her. Had those in April and May of 2003 and it was July, just 30 minutes after i love you Eri on the phone, she in Kalamazoo, Michigan, me in River Forest, Illinois and she was hit by the train. I have had visions and dreams in my life as well, that have indeed unfolded but those of ERi were so frightening and then they turned into real life.

It will one day feel softer, not for a while but one day.

Susan, I don't like organized religion either, no offense to anyone, but I feel the love and strength and joy of God in my life, always have. I don't like that you are being bullied and I really have no room in my spirit for those who do. I am sorry that your Husband and his family think it is okay to be mean. Mean and Christian, what do you know about that? A shame.

[Chads Mom]

Susan: I was just heart sick to read your post. You do not deserve that, you just don’t.

I am so sorry… I am also so angry that you are in this living hell and someone you should be able to rely upon would want to hurt you in such a deliberate way. I truly hope it is just his pain, confusion, and his illness rearing it’s ugly head. It makes me think of how toxic others can be on this awful journey…….

My heart goes out to you and I pray Shannon’s Dad will himself feel your daughters sweet spirit surround him and let him know there is no one to blame…Least of all someone that loves her so much…

Carol: Still thinking of you and Ralph…..Sending good thoughts your way…

Angela: I enjoyed the pictures you posted of Char so much!! What a beautiful child….

Susannah: Yes, please start channeling………I know Chad’s there but sometimes you need a person with that special talent to be able to receive and hear what needs to be said. Don’t turn from your gift Susannah I believe it was given to you for a reason. I’m still waiting for Diane to have more dreams with my sweet boy in them…”One of the best days of my life”

Colleen: My bookmark for BI is the first welcome this site. I love seeing Brian’s handsome face every time the page opens.

Cynthia, Terraca, : My heart hurts so much to see new parents and new angels but please keep coming back and share with us. We are interested, we won’t turn our backs, and we do understand……..

Kathy, Dee, Trudi, Betsy, Kate, Sherry, Lorri, Amy, Rhonda, Diane, Leah, Betty, Dan, Greg: I wish you a peaceful night..

Love and Hugs to all Indigo’s I better go my tired typing is looking sloppy… I must find a bed I think it’s here somewhere????

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[Susie_q512]

Good Morning Everyone,

Hoping today will be better than the last two days. I am behind on the clean-up and reorganizing of stuff downstairs, so much needs to be done....really hoping my body and mind are willing to operate today. As far as hubby goes, I've been dealing with him for more than 2 decades....thinking grief makes if harder. I seem to be much more sensitive and more easily provoked than normal since Shannon's passing.

Carol - Thinking about you and Ralph and praying for a positive outcome.

To all who were supportive and encouraging to me yesterday: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you !!!

Holding each of you close to my heart, as always.

[Guest msnher]

Susan, grief makes everything harder. For me, in those early months, I felt like I had been skinned and completely raw. It was odd because I also felt more love for people during those first months. I forgave more easily and was more affectionate (not me at all). ALL my emotions were exposed...even the positive ones. Thank God I got over that one. That first Christmas I gave away all of our savings account to a charity. I brought home two complete strangers from Wal Mart and fed them. I bought a young mother a car...it was an old, used car, but I still did it. Whenever I parted company (with anyone) I would say "If you die before I see you again please know that I love you!) My husband was so patient with me.

I would tell people I had bad days and worse days. There were no good days, only better moments. Please be patient with yourself. Grief sucks. Period.

Carol, I hope I didn't offend you with my post about God the other day. It's not like I KNOW. I'm just a little too good at sharing what I THINK .

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, sure hope today is a better one for you. Stay true to yourself and don't let anyone bully you!

Carol and Ralph...thoughts,prayers and fingers crossed today.

Greg...if you are reading. Hope you are doing a litle better. Miss reading your posts.

Dee...good luck at school with the concert?

Everyone else...holidays can be really, really hard when dealing with this loss. Try not to let your hurt and anger keep you from enjoying what time you have left. Life is so very short. They would want you to be happy. You do not have to feel guilty that you are here and they were taken. God's call. He gave them to us for a brief period to care for, but they were his. From what I have read you all have been such loving and caring parents. They would want you to carry on. Hope today is better for all of you. Take care.

[ericasmom]

Kate I very much echo your thoughts about the holidays. Do what makes you feel right in this new life. If a tree is not for you anymore, then don't do it, don't force it, you will only resent it. I did not do a tree for the first 6 years, then did a tree one year, then didn't last Christmas and probably won't again. Maybe if I had little ones at home I would. One thing I do that I have always done with my kids and now do with my classroom of kids is adopt a local family that is in need. We go through an organization as we did when jon and eri were little humans and we shop for the things on their wish lists. This year, my students will shop online for three children and their Mom. I will put a lot of the money in for the gifts but the kids are bringing in donations from their families as that is what I asked of them instead of buying a teacher gift. So we buy and wrap and I take the gifts to the church that organizes this each year. My gift to my husband is the gifts I buy for the family. One year ERi and I ran around and shopped for a local emergency care orpahnage and they needed 5 black baby-dolls and 3 kids needed pajamas and slippers, and various other things. We found all that was needed and wrapped them up and then we wrote a letter to John C. the husbnd and told him that at that moment, 5 kids were opening gifts that they otherwise would not have, and that they were purchased with the money that we would have used on him. He cried.

So do what feels good if you can find good. Change your traditions if you think you should, go serve at a soup kitchen if that helps you see the meaning of Christmas, read stories at a retirement home if that helps you because helping others is often what makes us find our broken pieces start to mend a bit.

No concert today, but a presentation to parents tonight about reading. YIKES! I have to present.

Susan, I continue to be amazed at the husband's response. Of course your tolerance is shortened since Shan died, it only makes sense where not much else does.

Peace out,

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...we are on our way home and just wanted to thank you all for your good wishes, your thoughts, and your prayers. We take all of you with us in our hearts and feel so blessed to have you with us.

Sus: as for your post, the last thing I feel is "offended"....I love you and all of your loving words that come straight from your heart warm my soul. I know that you all can imagine where my brain/thoughts have taken me these last few days, and I must confess that yesterday I even had the thought "why bother praying if God already knows the plan? " oh, our mind can be almost evil sometimes, can't it! Well, I think I've mentioned what before that I have a prayer book that Ralph gave to me a number of years ago and I try to read it everyday. Each page is a day. I missed the last two days, and when I read this morning, I "caught up" and then turned the page to today. The quote at the top of the page was "pray unceasingly."and. At the bottom of each page there is usually a short statement and the one for today was a little girl whose mom told her that God already knows what we need and the little girl said "well, why bother praying?" The mom answered "Because it is an act of love. " Now, I have been reading this same book for at least 8-9 years and each year I come across things I don't ever remember reading before though I know that I have because I start this book on january 1st and finish on december 31st. This is one that I don't remember reading before. Oh, of course I've read the Bible quote before many times in my life, but I really appreciated having that one there on that page today ... I needed that reminder. I pray for strength to help us through whatever we are faced with.

The doctor that called the other day and spoke with Ralph about the prep, etc., said the procedure can take up to 3-3 1/2 hours, so it will be a long afternoon--starts at 1:30--but we is will have all of you there with us, and Mike, of course will likely have all of our precious angels gathered round.

Thank you all again.

We love you all, carol and Ralph.

Ps..again, posting from ralphs cell, so state my disclaimerfor any auto-corrections that make it seem like an idiot posted! :--)

[rlolheiser]

just checking in with you before I crash this computer again.

My daughter called and is out of jail. Now I guess we wait, I pray she does what she needs for herself and her children.

I have to take mom to the dr. this afternoon, she is sick again, I worry about her.

Dee, you and your family sound so loving, you are the essence of Christmas.

Carol, thinking and prayers going your way. I know waiting is so hard.

Kate, Christmas traditions have changed here every year for the last 5. We can't seem to find one that fits anymore. I do however have an angel on the tree for JaBoa, it is always in the place of honor and means a lot to my little ones.

Susan, hoping your day goes well.

Susannah, you always write from your heart and are always a friend to all.

Sherry, I missed Lisa's day, fighting with the computer.. my thoughts are with you and your loss of your beloved pet..

I better get this closed before I lose it yet again..

I always have you all in my heart

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate I very much echo your thoughts about the holidays. Do what makes you feel right in this new life. If a tree is not for you anymore, then don't do it, don't force it, you will only resent it. I did not do a tree for the first 6 years, then did a tree one year, then didn't last Christmas and probably won't again. Maybe if I had little ones at home I would. One thing I do that I have always done with my kids and now do with my classroom of kids is adopt a local family that is in need. We go through an organization as we did when jon and eri were little humans and we shop for the things on their wish lists. This year, my students will shop online for three children and their Mom. I will put a lot of the money in for the gifts but the kids are bringing in donations from their families as that is what I asked of them instead of buying a teacher gift. So we buy and wrap and I take the gifts to the church that organizes this each year. My gift to my husband is the gifts I buy for the family. One year ERi and I ran around and shopped for a local emergency care orpahnage and they needed 5 black baby-dolls and 3 kids needed pajamas and slippers, and various other things. We found all that was needed and wrapped them up and then we wrote a letter to John C. the husbnd and told him that at that moment, 5 kids were opening gifts that they otherwise would not have, and that they were purchased with the money that we would have used on him. He cried.

So do what feels good if you can find good. Change your traditions if you think you should, go serve at a soup kitchen if that helps you see the meaning of Christmas, read stories at a retirement home if that helps you because helping others is often what makes us find our broken pieces start to mend a bit.

No concert today, but a presentation to parents tonight about reading. YIKES! I have to present.

Susan, I continue to be amazed at the husband's response. Of course your tolerance is shortened since Shan died, it only makes sense where not much else does.

Peace out,

Dee. good luck with the presentation this evening! I really agree with your take on changing traditions, when it comes to the holidays. All great ideas and good for YOU! For thinking of ways to be of help and using it as a learning tool for the kids.

I guess for me it isn't so much about adhering to the old ways, but about continuing on and finding some small way to feel I am pushing forward. Life can be enjoyed again. Only differently. I have not left Jeff behind... I am taking him along with me.

Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate the precious time spent with our loved one that is now gone... and to be grateful for the time we did have with them and the beauty and joy they added to our lives. We will see them again. That keeps me going.

Carol, hope you make it through this afternoon in one piece! You are going to be exhausted tonight. (HUGS)

[Jeff's Mom]

just checking in with you before I crash this computer again.

My daughter called and is out of jail. Now I guess we wait, I pray she does what she needs for herself and her children.

I have to take mom to the dr. this afternoon, she is sick again, I worry about her.

Dee, you and your family sound so loving, you are the essence of Christmas.

Carol, thinking and prayers going your way. I know waiting is so hard.

Kate, Christmas traditions have changed here every year for the last 5. We can't seem to find one that fits anymore. I do however have an angel on the tree for JaBoa, it is always in the place of honor and means a lot to my little ones.

Susan, hoping your day goes well.

Susannah, you always write from your heart and are always a friend to all.

Sherry, I missed Lisa's day, fighting with the computer.. my thoughts are with you and your loss of your beloved pet..

I better get this closed before I lose it yet again..

I always have you all in my heart

Hope all goes well at the doc with your mom this afternoon. Really glad to hear about your daughter. Really hope things work out.

Your Christmas ornament sounds like a lovely idea. I may just do that very thing myself. Thanks for the idea. Maybe I will buy one every year as a small gift to Jeff and give one to my other son as well as one for ourselves. Good thought there!

[517958]

Well this is a new one for me. I told someone today that my daughter passed away 4 months ago. The lady said, “Oh I’m sorry, that is a bummer.” A Bummer? I don’t know what kind of weight “Bummer” carries in her life but for me it’s like, “Oh man, my DVR forgot to record my favorite show. That’s a bummer.” At first I was like, “WTF????” But then I just know that some people will never get it and I have to know that and not expect people who don’t know to understand. I’ll just pray that lady never has to know what a “Bummer” it REALLY is to lose a child. I’ve been thinking about it since this morning and I’m almost laughing about it now because it was so ridiculous. I bet if she thinks about it later, she’ll probably want to kick herself in the head. Oh well.

[rose20]

Char's Mom,

first let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your dear daughter. You are just four months into this journey of grief, and as you can see people can say some of the most 'off the wall' sayings. It has been many years for me now. I can't believe it even as I write this how the years have gone by. But here I am, still needing to talk of my dear son because from the very beginning I had no one who could understand this pain. After the first few months life was back to normal for everyone else and the death of my son was "old news." But for me and my family the shock took a few years to just wear off and then the intense pain of reality came rushing in. I am glad you found a grief support forum, I am new to this one I just joined today. I haven't been a part of a grief support forum in years. I hope this is a very supportive and caring place. Again, I am sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the ultimate of all losses. It just never seems real.

May God bless you on this journey in your life.

[Guest msnher]

Char's mom, "What a bummer" goes in our "Oh, no, you didn't just say that" book. I always say God forgive the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid. I would have responded, "Ya, it was a real downer." in a slow, quiet stare holes in her head, voice.

Rose20, Welcome to the site none of us ever wanted to be a part of. Although I am so sorry you have reason to be here, you won't find a better group of people.

Kate, I am glad you try to have such an upbeat attitude. I could picture you sitting by your fireplace, listening to classical music and sipping on hot eggnog. Very comforting. I'm glad you're here, too.

[ericasmom]

Carol, may the news be good. Thanks for keeping us posted. Rose, I have no time to welcome you appropriately as I have to go feed Jon, (my son's) cat and come back to school for a presentation this evening. I have had a loud day, LOUD, with the third graders. I do welcome you though seeing that you have been missing your young one for some time and finding us...I hope that we are what you are looking for. Never have been to a more loving place. Post and let us know about your loss, about you and how you have gotten to this point.

dee

[mikesmum]

The things people who don't know say never ceases to amaze. BUMMER doesn't quite cover it for me.

Carol ~ Thinking of you and Ralph today. Hope the procedure goes smoothly & you don't have to wait too long for results. Fingers crossed for the best outcome.

Dee ~ LOUD grade 3's yep I can see that. Enjoy the presentation and the energy that these young ones bring.

My other half has shingles. Its taken a toll, he is in a lot of pain and not used to be unwell. He is taking an antiviral medication that should have eased the progression but after 5 days there seems to be no such luck. If anything they have become more aggressive. They are around the back of his head, to the side of his ear and across the top of his scalp. The other problem...its affecting his hearing.

So off to the drs for further review and hopefully a more affective treatment.

Peace to all Indigo's

[Jeff's Mom]

Char's mom, "What a bummer" goes in our "Oh, no, you didn't just say that" book. I always say God forgive the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid. I would have responded, "Ya, it was a real downer." in a slow, quiet stare holes in her head, voice.

Rose20, Welcome to the site none of us ever wanted to be a part of. Although I am so sorry you have reason to be here, you won't find a better group of people.

Kate, I am glad you try to have such an upbeat attitude. I could picture you sitting by your fireplace, listening to classical music and sipping on hot eggnog. Very comforting. I'm glad you're here, too.

Thanks Susannah, believe me...I have to push myself. Like everyone here it is really hard. Some days are just brutal...and others are ok. I hate to think of the alternative.

As far as bummer as a reply? Well, that takes the cake! I bet she is going to really regret it for a long time to come. Or perhaps she is just brain dead. Or both. Ha! Ha! Her loss.

[ericasmom]

YES, what a bummer indeed, my goodness. A bummer? Goes in the book for sure.

Trud, oh ick, shingles and so near his ears. Give him a long distant get well for me and you stay well.

[lolynbo]

IDA HAD TO WAVE MY BUMMER OF A MIDDLE FINGER AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE..."GONNA BE A BUMMER AS I KICK YOUR ARSE ALL OVER TOWN"..

[Guest msnher]

I just love you, Lorri!

[Guest msnher]

Trudi, I hope your sweetie gets better quickly!

I misspelled your name the first time...sorry.

[daveydow1]

Thanks so much to all......Dee, Susannah, Carol, Polly, Kate, Rhonda, Betsy, Amy, Kathy, Lorrie,and Leah....for the nice

messages for Lisa's Angel Day. It is greatly appreciated. Also, to everyone who posted such nice messages

for my loss of my dear kitty, Brownie.

Charsmom,----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear little daughter. this site is a place where you can always

come and read/post anytime. Everyone here knows the sorrow & pain of losing a child, and we understand.

Peace to you.

Xaviersmom----Also, am sorry for your loss of your dear baby. ( I, too, lost a 6 moth-old baby girl many years ago).

Everyone here is understanding, and we welcome you to this site.

Lorri----Thanks so very much for your post saying that Brownie is now a little gift for Lisa.....especially since

Brownie left this world on Lisa's Angel Day. Such a nice message, and I thank you for it.....also the lovely pic.

Susan-----So sorry about your premonition before Shannon's fatal accident. I guess so many people have

the "what ifs" that run through our heads after such a devastating loss. Also, I'm sorry that your husband

said such a hurtful thing to you about Shannon's death is because of the tarot cards you happened to have

in the house. I believe that tarot card reading is purely for entertainment....nothing more. I don't blame you

a bit for leaving that church which was so very restrictive and controlling. It's hard to imagine that a preacher

could set himself up as such an authority and try to control a funeral......not honoring the wishes of the family

to be first and foremost. I'm glad that Ragan stood her ground for your family.

Carol-----Continuing to send prayers for Ralph and Davis.

Dee------So nice that your class has adopted a needy family to help for Christmas.

I'm not sure I will have a Christmas tree this year either. Too sad right now to even think of it, and

when it's time to put one up, I may just forget about it. My husband doesn't care whether I do or not.....

either way is ok with him.

Leah-----I hope your daughter will find her way now. Prayers for her. Also, hope your mom is doing better.

Rose20----I agree----it takes a long time for grief to even soften, and of course, it will always be with us.

Trudi----Sorry that your husband has shingles. I hope that he only gets a mild case of them. My dad had

a case of shingles when he was so sick with cancer, but it was a mild case.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

LOL WELL THANK YOU LOVE U TOO.....IM SO DONE WITH DUM ASSSES

SHERRY YOUR WELCOME...I FELT IT SO DEEPLY WHEN WE WAS LETTN TRIXIE GO AND WARMED MY HEART...SO I NO LISA WAS THERE FOR YOUR LIL BROWNIE...AND SIDES THAT I NO WE WILL EVEN GET TO SEE THEM AGAIN WHEN ITS OUR TURN

[summergirl]

The word "Bummer" !! Really !! Yes indeed that goes in our "some day to be published Stupid things people say" - You are probably right though and kicked herself in the butt when she had time to think about it later......Glad you got a laugh out of it though...

The "funk" is still hanging with me and I REALLY need to get over it.....I have not cried for quite a while and that bothers me but have been through it before....the tsunami will come and my tears will all but drown me.....There are so many days when I can think of Jessica and I smile and can go through the day knowing all is ok....and then the dump truck full of bricks falls on me and I am a useless, sobbing mess who cannot breathe, cannot leave the house - and then the storm blows over and I return to the land of the living once again...but always, always missing my girl....damn this sucks....

Love, Peace and Strength, Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Just a quick update. Ralph has been told there is a 95% chance that he has pancreatic cancer. We are to go before a tumor board either this coming Tuesday or the following Tuesday to decide the best course of action. i have read about this disease until I am half blind. He did say that it is located on the head of the pancreas, and is small, but because of Ralph's overall health condition, it may well be too difficult for them to proceed with for him. I guess this will be decided at the tumor board.

Right now, I am still reeling and feel as though I am falling into a deep, endless space. I had to drive home (2 1/2 hours or so), as Ralph had general anesthesia and was told not to drive, and I don't know how I did it. I was trying not to cry. When Ralph noticed the tears, he said "Don't worry honey. They found it early, he said, and that's good news. We will beat this." They also found a cyst in the middle of the pancreas but the doctor said he is pretty sure that it is only a cyst. They took a sample to check.

I wish I could turn off my mind. I wish I could turn off this horror show.

I love you all, and thank you all so much for "being there" with us today. It meant a lot to know that people were really thinking about us and praying for us and truly cared.

Trudi: I am so sorry about Mal's shingles. I had them myself and know they are terribly painful. I hope it runs its course quickly. (for you and for him!) I sure could use that walk and that "cuppa" about now...I am sure you could, also.

Kathy: so sorry for your sadness. Hoping you soon return to the days when you can think of Jess and smile and go on and have a good day.

Susan: I am so, so sorry about your premonition also. And I am sorry that your husband is treating you so badly. I know that his illness is likely causing him much anger and pain, but I hope that he can realize that his behavior is terrible and you are suffering from it. As if you are not already suffering enough!

Dee: I love your idea for Christmas, and I love that husband John was so touched by it. But, he has lived with you long enough to know what a caring, generous person you are, and your doing this for Christmas is just incredibly brave and awesome. so glad that you involve the kids in your class as well. It is an important lesson for them all, being taught by a caring, gentle woman. They are blessed.

Sus: Thanks for your words to Ralph, and he says "yahoo" back to you! He is sounding a little weird right now, as his anesthesia hasn't completely worn off yet.

Rose20: I am so very sorry for your loss, and do hope you continue to post and receive the wonderful kindesses and support of this family.

Char's mom: I am speechless...and so very sorry that you had to be the recipient of such an inane remark. As you said, I am sure she has rethought her response and is kicking herself over it. At least, I hope she has and is.

Diane: I do hope that you are doing okay. Please let us know.

I am going to lie down on the sofa now, and not go to bed. I don't want to disturb Ralph as he finally fell asleep. Perhaps I can take this time to just cry all my tears now and regroup for the battle that lies ahead. But, we here on this site already know that you can never "cry all your tears." It can't be done, they are always there, ready to pop.

Sweet moments tomorrow, my friends, even if just one brief one.

I am at the end of my strength for this day and will close with another thank you to you all. You are kind, loving and the best of "family."

[Guest msnher]

Carol, In my minds eye I see myself ignoring your warnings about the slippery rocks and the tide. I HAVE to be close to the water. I can smell the salt water. I can hear the waves. I love the wind hitting my face. I want to get as close as I can to the edge of the rocks...as if that will somehow change the view of the vast ocean before me. No. It doesn't change the view, but it does change the experience. I can take a deep breath right now and feel the salt air fill my lungs. I felt no sadness standing there. Only awe and wonder...and deep respect for the Creator of such Majesty.

Sometimes, too many times for some of us, all we can do is take a deep breath and say, "Thy will be done" and take the next right step. I so wish I were there to literally take that next step beside you...and then the next and so forth. Please KNOW I am taking that step with you in my heart. I am not afraid of the rocks or the waves...perhaps I should be, but I can't help my longing to be part of them. When it is too hard for you to walk out onto the rocks, I will walk for you. I offer myself as your intercessor during this next stretch. If you will allow, I will hold the lantern to help light the way through another tunnel of life.

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom and your friend!

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol and Ralph...Susannah is so right. This is not the news we were hoping to hear from you about the test. Ralph is going about it in the right way. Good for him!

Hope you were able to get some rest last night and to eat something. I'm sure Ralph was exhausted after the procedure. Stay strong you guys and know we are all behind you very step of the way!

Dee..trust the presentation went well last evening.

Everyone else...hoping for a better day and some happiness today for all of you.

Kate

[rose20]

Thank you all for your warm welcomes.

[Guest msnher]

Hubby and I are going to catch the 1:15 matinee. We both have another place to be this morning and will meet back at home to leave for the movies together. The following exchange took place a couple of minutes ago as he kissed me goodbye.

Me: "So, you want to leave about 30 minutes early?"

Him: "Oh no, we don't have to leave THAT early! I figure we'll leave about a quarter til."

True story.

[lolynbo]

CAROL PRAYERS FOR YOU AND RALPHIE...HUGGS MY FRIEND

[ericasmom]

Carol, my heart took two extra beats alongside your message, one for each you and Ralph. The worry factor machine is up and running I know. Your message the other day to pray on the calendar of days is a good reminder of what one thing we can all do at any time of day or night, send those positive thoughts and hopes into the atmosphere to surround the energy of the angels and then to be delivered to your sweethearts...my deep and constant prayers for a great outcome in all of this worry. May the needed treatment be kind to Ralph

and that this part of the journey find you both united by your years of love and hope. Remember on days when you feel weak,that you are allowed that sense though we know better, we know that weakness has never been a part of survival. Tired, yes, exhausted, of course, afraid and worried, indeed, but not weak. So on those days know that we are the beating hearts and loving arms and sturdy legs that take you back and forth, we are the tissue box holders for the times when tears are the only way to get to the next spot...Loving you.

[ericasmom]

Yes, the presentation went well, only six parents and that is two more than expected, we broke up into grade levels and spoke about the new curric. So the first and second grades had a few more folks but small was fine as we could adjust our materials to a smaller audience and answer many questions.

Windy windy day and Jon and Shan's plane should be about to land in 20 or so minutes, I am nervous...nervous about the wind and planes and all the scary parts...I am working now to try to rewire my paranoid thinking.

[rlolheiser]

Carol.. you and Ralph are in my prayers and thoughts, may God grant you both the strength to walk through this together.

Mom has a lung infection, so more nebulizer treatments, and antibiotics. With the little kids here I feel like this place is a walking time bomb for her. I keep telling myself though that this is where she wants to be.

I haven't seen my daughter yer, she wants me up there for Thanksgiving, but I told her maybe the Friday after. I want my mom to be completely healed. and then it is just for the day.

HOw I hate that drive to Williston.. makes me wish I could just stay home, but I have to face my fears and go on with life. JaBoa would want me to see her little brother and bring Sena to see him and mom. I guess I am overdo for a visit at my girl's site anyway.

not much else new around here.. I am trying so hard to get the house cleaned.. no energy. No drive to want to clean.. I need a kick in the pants.

Take care everyone.. thinking of you and your angels.

[517958]

There are so many people on here I can hardly keep up...

Carol - I'm praying for you as well. It's got to help that all these people with personal angels are praying for you. That's a lot of power!

I can't remember who asked me, but I do live in the Minneapolis area - just north of there in a suburb called Brooklyn Park.

Today I was doing well until I tried to locate Julia's boots in preparation for the snow we're supposed to get tomorrow and instead, I found Charlotte's shoes! The sight of them sent me into a 30 minute crying fit. She loved those shoes. They were light-up Skechers (pink of course). She used to go into the dark garage and stomp around in there by herself to see them light up. I bought Julia a pair of shoes at the same time but they didn't light up. She was only two and half then so she didn't know the difference. She would stomp around too, like her big sister, and Char and I would just share a laugh between us at how silly Julia was. Oh my God, how could she be gone? It still doesn't make any sense to me.

[andy88]

(((Carol))) My thoughts and prayers are with you and Ralph. I hate this for you. But I will put you at the top of my prayer list and I will ask Andy to pray as well. You have helped me so much over these past 9 months. Here for you any time, day or night.

With love,

Pam