Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Angela---Charsmom------Yes---the sight of little Char's Skechers must have been so very bittersweet

for you, and the crying began again. So understood by everyone here, I'm sure. Peace to you.

Dee----I hope Jon & Shannon's flight landed without incident, and that the newlyweds will have lots

of wonderful stories & pics, to tell of their lovely honeymoon to Hawaii. I'm still feeling very 'down in the dumps'

about the death of my kitty, Brownie. Guess it will pass in time, but right now ....I cry.

Carol------My heart also skipped a beat when I read your post about Ralph. I am praying hard for

a good outcome, and like Dee said.........all the prayers from here at BI, and your friends, neighbors,

and family will send energy to space, and God will hear. I wish you peace, and hope you can find

some comfort in the difficult times you & your family are facing. God Bless.

Lorrie------Yep-----I, too, think that along with seeing our dear beloved children again.......there will

be a grand reunion with them and all the little wonderful pets...like little Trixie, and Brownie. I told

my husband what you wrote about Brownie being a little gift for Lisa on her Angel Day. He said he

had not thought about it that way (neither did I )....so Thanks again, friend, and fellow Pet Lover.

Kathy-----Sorry that you are in a dark place now. I , so, understand that kind of period when we don't

seem to have any tears left, and sometimes it can be more painful than the 'tsunami' of tears that

will come again. This lousy grief road is so bumpy and cruel........I'm sending thoughts & prayers for you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

Lorrie------Yep-----I, too, think that along with seeing our dear beloved children again.......there will

be a grand reunion with them and all the little wonderful pets...like little Trixie, and Brownie. I told

my husband what you wrote about Brownie being a little gift for Lisa on her Angel Day. He said he

had not thought about it that way (neither did I )....so Thanks again, friend, and fellow Pet Lover.

SHERRY AND I DIDNT MEAN TO LEAVE OUT YOUR SWEET BOY EITHER, IM THINKING HE PROB PULLED SOME STIRNGS FOR HIS SISSY....HUGGS MY FRIEND

[summergirl]

Carol - How do you do it ?? Here you are facing another challange and a huge one at that with Ralph and yet you take the time to write a post to encourage others here....You are an amazing woman/wife/mother/friend and I for one wish I had half of your strength and wisdom. I am honored to know you my friend and Ralph is at the top of my prayer list right next to you. Please take care of yourself as best you can and know that we are hugging you tight. Keep us informed as much as you can. Lots of love being sent your way.

My problems seem so very small next to many others here and it makes me feel like a selfish person to say "I had a really bad day" when others here are facing such diffaculties and worries not to mention those that are so new to this journey...it is heartbreaking to read yet at the same time I just want to "FIX" everyone here....but I cannot FIX what is wrong in my life so not much I can offer anyone else except love, prayers, hugs and to let you all know that I think of you often and pray that you find the strength within to take one breath at a time.

Take care my friends and talk soon, Kathy

[mikesmum]

Carol ~ They say we are only given what we can endure....not to sure that applies any more. I think you have endure sufficent and have been shown to be of strong faith, dedication and strength. The news for Ralph is devestating, the fallout for you is overwhelming.

Let the tears fall as you rest your weary brain your aching heart. Ralph seems to have the right mindset, they caught it early. I would go with that strength and as you two have done throughout your lives no matter what, be strong together.

One breath, one step at a time.

My prayers with you both...

[Susie_q512]

Carol - I am so sorry for the situation that Ralph is now facing with his health. What a frightening and uncertain place to be. So glad you two have a close, loving and supportive relationship. I will continue praying for God to hold the two of you very close. Praying He provides the wisdom needed to make critical decisions where treatment is concerned. Praying that His hand guide the doctors involved in Ralph's care. Praying for His guidance, comfort and peace to be ever surrounding and leading you through this new journey. Much love to you both.

[ericasmom]

To All, spent a good evening with my sisters Mary Anne and Eileen and two nieces, Kate and Laura. We laughed loud and often. Like medicine to my soul. We always feel Eri with us which again, medicine for the soul.

Leah, hang tight young lady, hang on, know that one day there will be a more peaceful way to live. I pray for you to enjoy a quieter time and a less turbulent time. Prayers for your Daughter as she finds her way. Prayers too, for your Mom..

Sherry, thanks, JOn and Shannon are home and feeling quite rested and happy. They will come to dinner tomorrow so we will hear more stories from their trip.

thanks for asking. I know that you are blue Sherri, little cat paws left their mark on your heart. Find and read, The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. Kid book with universal and ageless message about pets and that unconditional love.

Kathy, chances are that tomorrow will feel good to you, least wise I hope so.

Char's Mom, don't worry about knowing who we are, we will become familiar to you after a couple of weeks. Yes, it is unbelievable that she is not here, and those tangible things serve as reminder that indeed she was here not so long ago. She will always love you completely as you will her.

Carol, goes without saying that the prayers can practically be seen reaching Heaven. They travel upwards and out like smoke from a chimney curling and reaching toward the blue-black sky and then they gather in formations the size and consistency of clouds, floating over the earth, half-way between us and our Angels, collecting the energy needed to swirl into Heaven adn out again to surround Ralph and You and all of the Family.

[Guest msnher]

Sitting here at 1:45am sipping on a hot cup of sleepy time tea. The kitten is laying half on my belly and half on the keyboard, purring with contentment. The cold, snowy weather has my hips and knees pounding out their rejection of winter...which winter confidently ignores. I do love this time of night. All is quiet except for the soft purrs of Jasmine's kitten and the ticking of the kitchen clock. I love to look at the city, out my living room picture window, with the white carpet of snow adding a sense of serenity while the city lights flicker in the distance.

Carol, I woke with you and Ralph in the forefront of my thoughts. Sending prayers immediately.

Dee, I am so glad you and your sisters had such a good time. I echo your words to Char's mom, don't worry about keeping us all straight.

Leah, Kathy, Sherry, - Sending prayers your way, too.

Diane and Rhonda, missing you both...???

This kitten is making it hard to type. I put him down but he hops right back up here. He has become such a central part of our family so quickly. He and Shelby (our dog) even play together now. Who knew? (shrug)

Trudi - praying for rest for Mal (and you).

[ericasmom]

Tethered

My strings unravel and I am left to wonder how to stay tethered

to something in this world-

something of value to my heart

something that allows my grief but also my joy-

it may simply be to tie myself to the bird's song this morning,

singing me through both.

dee

So I am thinking of you all on this very dark morning, the sound I hear is a lone bird call, a beautiful sound cutting through the November gray and damp. Some birds stay for all seasons, just like our Angels, forever with us.

Susannah, up in the quiet of the night, a luxury to a busy Mom/Grandmom, that quiet that allows you the time to be Susannah safe and sleepy on a snowy night. Carol, Hope is a strong word, it is filled with so many pieces of everyone in your life that you love. I send you HOPE.

Trudi, my across the world friend, how is Mal today?

[Jeff's Mom]

Tethered

My strings unravel and I am left to wonder how to stay tethered

to something in this world-

something of value to my heart

something that allows my grief but also my joy-

it may simply be to tie myself to the bird's song this morning,

singing me through both.

dee

So I am thinking of you all on this very dark morning, the sound I hear is a lone bird call, a beautiful sound cutting through the November gray and damp. Some birds stay for all seasons, just like our Angels, forever with us.

Susannah, up in the quiet of the night, a luxury to a busy Mom/Grandmom, that quiet that allows you the time to be Susannah safe and sleepy on a snowy night. Carol, Hope is a strong word, it is filled with so many pieces of everyone in your life that you love. I send you HOPE.

Trudi, my across the world friend, how is Mal today?

Dee...that is just lovely and worded. Glad you had a great time with your family. I'm sure the kids came back looking tanned and very happy.

Susannah...you are food for my soul. I love the way you write. It's soothing.

There are so many here these days that I am not able to mention every one for fear of missing somebody. Suffice to say, I am thinking of all of you today and whatever it may bring. Prayers and warm wishes to all those who are feeling it today.

We had our first real storm yesterday. My husband was in Calgary on business for the day. Was stuck at the airport for over three hours... as his plane was delayed. It is an hour drive up to our place from the city. The roads conditions were wicked. I pleaded with him to stay in the city for the night. He did not listen. So, at around 3:00 he walked in the door. My nerves were frayed picturing him driving alone on the deserted highway. The temps had dropped to -18C.. And on top of it our dog who suffers from vestibular disease was in full blown mode. What a day. However, we woke up to sunshine glistening on the freshly fallen powdery snow. And so another day begins, but on a more positve note.

Wishing you a peaceful day.

[ericasmom]

revisiting a poem I wrote many years ago when I was newer on this road going through the holidays for the first time without Erz.

Missing From the Table

Warm lights pour outdoors

From within where they gather-

Around a large table,

Laughter is heard

And everyone is smiling-

I am a voyeur.

And from the wet pavement

I walk with my memories-

Remembering our warm lights-

The faces and the laughter

Around our large table-

But now a void, an empty chair,

She is missing from the table.

[Chads Mom]

Carol: I just hate that you & Ralph have to go through this….. I hate the word cancer I just hate it…Sending my prayers, my love, and my hope outward and upward for you, for Ralph, for your family to be granted the strength to weather this storm.

Dee: Such beautiful expressive words… Very touching…..So glad you had an enjoyable tiem with your family. J

Susannah: A warm kitty and a cup of tea ahhh. The beauty of the night sounds so nice…

Susan: I was reading the posts this morning and my husband asked who the young lady was with the pup and I told him thats Shannon one of heavens most beautiful angels. I think it made him feel bad because he left the room and came back with red puffy eyes. My husband is a pretty manly man but he has such a soft heart that he hides from the rest of the world.

Trudi: My Father-in-law was diagnosed with shingles about 2 months ago can I ask you what is the best battle plan to get through a bout of it. He just seems so miserable and the cream the doctor gave him seems to make it almost worse. I am sorry your husband has to go through this I understand it can be terribly painful.

Well my adult son is again causing me emotional pain and grief. You would think at 22 he would be done and ready to take the next step in life. The lump is again back in my throat, the worry is back in my head. He packed stuff last night and then left the house. He doesn’t want rules he doesn’t want responsibility. He calls me names that I just don’t deserve. But I have grown thick skin and a backbone over the course of the last few months with him. I try to help him but what good does it do. I push he pulls. I scream he yells. I love him but I hate him. I just don’t know anymore……

Sorry for the rambling drama just a rough week I guess…

Peace and love to all Indigo's not a day goes by that I don't think of each of you.....

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[daveydow1]

Susannah----What a quiet and peaceful scene.......you trying to type, and the sweet little kitten

purring, and 'trying to help' at the keyboard. So cute. Also, love to hear of a dog & cat playing

together. the phrase "Fighting like dogs & cats" sure doesn't apply to your two pets. Jasmine

must be thrilled with her new kitty.

Dee----Love your two poems......how bittersweet and true the words reflect the feelings. Yes.....

it's nice that some birds stay around all seasons.......just like our angels, so that they are

always with us. Your dinner with Jon & Shannon will be a great time of love & sharing. I will

check at the library for the book you suggested. I love children's books.....they have a lot to

offer....not only to children, but to anyone who reads them.

Lorri-----Yep....I think that Davey & Lisa are both enjoying the company of Brownie now. What

was your little Trixie's problem, that she had to be put to sleep ? I remember you telling us

but can't recall the circumstances now. Also, remember that you were so very sad about it.

Carol------Basketsful of prayers for Ralph, you, and your family.

Polly-----So sorry that your son is so difficult to deal with right now. I know that it is so hard to take,

on top of the grief and heavy heart that you feel for your loss of dear Chad. Sending thoughts & prayers, friend.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

Trixie sue was 16 and she just was what they say lathargic had to carry her to potty. Wldnt eat or drink. So had 100$ in blood wrk done and vet sad A HEALTHY DOGS IS 120 SHE'S ABOUT 220 SHE'S A VERY SICK GIRL. (give or take a number or so). It was kodys bday but I didn't want her to suffer any more. It was about her not me. So we let her go. Monty me and the vet cried together. She's buried on the side of the cellar she wld stand on. She has large cross marker. Miss u trix

[lolynbo]

Trixie sue was 16 and she just was what they say lathargic had to carry her to potty. Wldnt eat or drink. So had 100$ in blood wrk done and vet sad A HEALTHY DOGS IS 120 SHE'S ABOUT 220 SHE'S A VERY SICK GIRL. (give or take a number or so). It was kodys bday but I didn't want her to suffer any more. It was about her not me. So we let her go. Monty me and the vet cried together. She's buried on the side of the cellar she wld stand on. She has large cross marker. Miss u trix

[ericasmom]

Polly, so sorry for the angst with your Boy, you are not rambling, you are giving voice to the worry and frustration of One you love. I sure do get it.

Sherry, I think you will like that book as well as Cat Heaven. It is beautiful. Can't remember the authors name but I have a copy at school of both.

[Jeff's Mom]

revisiting a poem I wrote many years ago when I was newer on this road going through the holidays for the first time without Erz.

Missing From the Table

Warm lights pour outdoors

From within where they gather-

Around a large table,

Laughter is heard

And everyone is smiling-

I am a voyeur.

And from the wet pavement

I walk with my memories-

Remembering our warm lights-

The faces and the laughter

Around our large table-

But now a void, an empty chair,

She is missing from the table.

Thanks Dee..it really hit home reading that today. Funny how memories can be triggered in the most unlikely ways. Sat in the car with our dog while my husband ran into a convenience store to grab something. I was trying to find somehting on the radio to listen to. They have now added a holiday music station. I had forgotten about it. There out of the blue someone was singing a Christmas|Carol and it hit me like a cement wall at full speed. I felt panic rise and an overall feeling of needing to run. But to where? He was suddenly there in everything all around me. I watched the flag blowing in the wind and the grey skies and shifting clouds. Has it really been almost two years since I last saw Jeff?

The pain was crushing and it hurt to breathe. I cannot wait for the season to be over. Everything is a reminder of that night. So darned close to Christmas, December 12th. Sitting looking at my Dickens Village on the mantlepiece as they wheeled him past me in a body bag. We had just shared dinner a mere few hours before. There were no signs that this was his intention. How could I have known? They re holding a memorial celebration for the families of deceased at our local hospital. Everyone is to bring an ornament for the tree. I honestly do not think I can go. We'll see. Family still not talking to us since we came out about what happened. At least that makes it a bit easier.

Hope I can make it through. I miss him so much. He did know that. We had a great relationship. Sorry to sound so down. Now it's my turn. Sorry.

[Guest msnher]

Y'all know how much I love to feel and all...NOT. I avoid anything that brings the tears on. I learned not to cry a very, very long time ago. I don't like it. After Steph died I couldn't stop crying for the first 18 months...well, I finally seem to have gotten control of my tears and avoid anything that makes me feel TOO deeply. I've learned to divert my attention quickly when I feel that familiar punch in the gut that warns of a sob fest. Nope. Not going there. I still grieve Stephanie...I just shut off the water works...and, then I watched the movie "Remember me". Dumb, dumb, dumb for someone like ME to watch. I'm still bawling!

[Jeff's Mom]

Y'all know how much I love to feel and all...NOT. I avoid anything that brings the tears on. I learned not to cry a very, very long time ago. I don't like it. After Steph died I couldn't stop crying for the first 18 months...well, I finally seem to have gotten control of my tears and avoid anything that makes me feel TOO deeply. I've learned to divert my attention quickly when I feel that familiar punch in the gut that warns of a sob fest. Nope. Not going there. I still grieve Stephanie...I just shut off the water works...and, then I watched the movie "Remember me". Dumb, dumb, dumb for someone like ME to watch. I'm still bawling!

Tears are healing and soothing... as if I was standing under a waterfall and closing my eyes and letting it just run over me. I need to feel again. To let the feelings come back that make me feel whole again. He was my son and still is! He is in every breathe I take. I have tried to divert my attention and for the most part I feel I do ok. But right now it does not work. Because he is gone and his friends have moved on and he is yesterday in their lives. Like all of us he will never have a family of his own or a future. It is very hard. They have moved on and he is in an urn in ashes. It is very hard to deal with.

[ericasmom]

Sus, I can't help but feel, feel everything ...to the core. My Mom used to say that I was made of too many tears. I remember when I was little and my Mom and I watched movies and the news together, I cried and cried watching those old 1940's movies and then I cried when I heard the news. I have never been able to help it and sometimes it is embarrassing. I love meeting authors and having them sign a book and each time...I cry like a babbling brook. I am so in awe of their work or their persona. Yesterday at school we had an author visit, Andrea Davis-Pinkney...she sang a few lines of This Little Light of Mine and I was crying, not just a few tears wetting my eyes, a full barage. It is something I cannot help. There is no turn off button or wait till later button. I speak of Eri freely with folks and sometimes I am in mid sentence and I am choked and crying and other times I am steady and able to tell the whole story of my Girl. There is no telling when or what conditions will bring it on. Music however, often makes me cry. The kind of crying that cleanses.

Kate, you are nearing some heavy times, holidays and the two year mark. I remember my hardest marks, and one of them was the summer of 2005 when I was approaching our two year mark. The emotions that took over the month prior and post the 2 year mark were incredibly strong. I woke one morning at around 4:00 and sat and listened to Neil Young over and over singing, YOU CAN"T BE 20 ON SUGAR MOUNTAIN...Eri never got to her 20th year, dying at 19. I ahve to say that after that hard reckoning of Erica being gone for 2 years, I began to climb up a bit and out of the heavier end of grief into a new phase that allowed for more, for more remembering of the goodness in our lives and there was more room for the memories of ERi that were good, letting go of the replay of the saddest days of our lives. It is there, it rears itself but not like the first year where it was in charge of me rather than me in charge of it. I am so sorry that the saddest days of your life will meet a second anniversary, I am so sorry.

Allowing the sadness is necessary I think, so as to let go of what we keep in the caverns of our hearts, acknowledging the strength of living in this world without our Babies.

Blessings all

[mikesmum]

The sun is shining here after 24hrs of downpour. We are due for more thunder and lightening this afternoon. Muttley is not pleased.

Polly ~ Mal was given high dose anti-virals in the first 48hrs. They are supposed to ease the pain and spread. It was a 7 day course and today was the last day. It might have eased the spread but did nothing for the pain. He was also prescribed high dose codiene (sp) for pain and Valium to allow him to rest. It was also suggested he take anti-inflammatories. He has been so zonked out, he manages about 4hrs a day up then back to a dark cool room. He has no energy at all.

Dee ~ The words from the heart and soul of one who has travelled far without leaving home. Love your connection. Hope Jon and Shannon are back safely and enthralling you with tales of Hawaii..

Carol ~ Sunday here. Hoping and praying you make the Tumour rounds set for this Tuesday. Also hoping the 'A' Team are in this weeks clinical rounds.

Lorri ~ Trixie Sue is such a beautiful pup. Being with you for so long she truly is part of your family. Now Kourtney has her and I can't think of a better place. Other than home here of course.

Kate ~ I am sorry that Christmas gives you such vivid visions that night. "There were no signs that this was his intention. How could I have known?". That's just it, you couldn't have known. As for the ornaments at the local hospital, you can only do what you feel capable of at the time. If you aren't sure or not comfortable its okay. I guess the family not speaking gives a respite of sorts. Something about a child taking his life is it?

I have not given much thought to the upcoming holidays other than being available for grandies while their parents work. Melissa is still healing so she isn't working these holidays. There hasn't been much talk of where the family will gather. Their plans centre more around their in-laws. I refer to them as the intact families. Those who make plans as we all once did excited and enthused to come together.

The sun is still shining so best make the most of it before the rain......

[Guest msnher]

(((((Kate)))))

[summergirl]

Well my adult son is again causing me emotional pain and grief. You would think at 22 he would be done and ready to take the next step in life. The lump is again back in my throat, the worry is back in my head. He packed stuff last night and then left the house. He doesn’t want rules he doesn’t want responsibility. He calls me names that I just don’t deserve. But I have grown thick skin and a backbone over the course of the last few months with him. I try to help him but what good does it do. I push he pulls. I scream he yells. I love him but I hate him. I just don’t know anymore…… Polly, I am there with you my friend and so very sad for you that you are dealing with "an adult son"....yes, one would think at 22 he would be done but I say that about my 34 year old !! Most on here know the history but not those who are new here....lets just say I feel what you feel....I love my son but HATE what he has done and hate that I have to deal with it....But this week I made a decision that has been a long time coming and as hard as it was it needed to be done...I AM NOT AN ENABLER ANY MORE....and I am sooooooo proud of myself. I love my son but I have a life, a grandson to raise and a daughter whom I miss every day. I know I am doing the right thing and he is now forced to make the choice to save himself or not but I will no longer be a part of saving him.....Now I will pray but I WILL NOT LET GUILT STRANGLE ME !! Hang tight my friend and if you ever want to talk you can PM me....

Hello to all....was a good day today (thanks Dee)....Tavian had 2 friends over for a play date that has now turned into a sleepover !! They are being really great....playing, laughing.....I baked them chocolate chip cookies, it was relaxing.....it is good to hear the laughter in this house.

Got alot of yard work done, fish pond is officially closed for the winter, all summer stuff stored away....Now if I had a big old fireplace I would have it burning and curl up with a good book in my comfy clothes....

I think I spoke to soon, Boys need me so must go ...... have a wonderful night, sweet dreams and hugs, Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Kate, I realized I must have missed something when I read Trudi and Dee's post to you. I scrolled down and saw that you had already spoken of the pain you are in and your son, Jeff, before I posted my - once again - attempt at bad humor. Please know I was trying to use sarcasm and humor to let you all know I was sobbing and not to please with the whole thing.

Hugs to you, again, my friend. You couldn't have known. How could any of us have known? Please forgive my post asking questions that you've already answered. Peace and love to you! Stephanie's second angelversary was more difficult for me than the first. We are here for you! I am here for you, too.

[Guest msnher]

Polly, I also missed your post. I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time with your son.

[lolynbo]

YES TRIXIE SUE IS HAPPY WITH KOURTNEY, TRIX CAN HEAR AGIAN AND SEE...AND MAYBE DONT WOBBLE SO MUCH....

SO I HAVE NEW IPHONE, YOU CAN TEXT OR PRESS A BUTTON AND SPEAK AND IT TEXTS FOR U....I HAD TXTED KIMMY "OK BB LOVE YOU".....SAT IT DOWN AND PICKED IT UP CUZ I HEARD A BEEP...AND IT SAID (AS IF FIXN TO SEND MESSAGE , NOT FROM KIMMY)...."HELLO HOW ARE YOU"...SO WHO TYPED IT OR WHO SPOKE TO TEXT IT?...IM LIKEING TO SAY IT WAS KOURTNEY...WHAT DO U THINK...IVE HEARD THEY LIKE ELECTRONICS

[Guest msnher]

I have written many "manuscripts". One is titled "Too scared to cry".

[Jeff's Mom]

I have written many "manuscripts". One is titled "Too scared to cry".

Susannah...It's Ok. I know! I posted and then signed out. Thanks everyone for your support. Dee...you got it right! Two years SUCKS! A whole new meaning to moving forward. Still it is without them, right?

Why did this have to happen? Why to us? More importantly, Why to them? I may just as well say it CRAP! It is not fair!!!!! I willl most likely go to the memorial and stand at the back ready for quick retreat. You guys would have loved him. He was so likeable. I had no idea how down he was at that ime. It came out of the blue. He was however a very sensitive person and felt such a deep responsibility for everyone. He was too young to shoulder such a responsibility for the people that walk the streets. He did not have the experience to know what to do to actually help them. \He took each person and their life on personally. In the end...it broke him. He lost faith in the establishment. And I'm afraid to say that in many ways he was right.

I'll be fine...you know me. Tomorrow is another day. Thankds for your support. HUGS to all of you. Turning off for tonight.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, a Scarlett O'Hara close for the night, "I will be fine tomorrow." Honey Kate, there was no way to know that Jeff was going to leave this planet in such a way and I so wish that you did not have to feel this ache.

May you sleep deeply and have dreams with a visit.

Kathy, sadness for your Boy and for you and Barry too. I will pray for your Son and hope that he find that way to turn it around again. I am glad that it was a good day today.

Lorri, you have been a great pet owner, loving your dogs with a full heart as you have.

[Guest msnher]

Night Friends.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Susannah, Dee and everyone... for your caring and support. I know you are right in that I need to let the pain come in order to deal with it. Really didn't have a chance to allow that. Helen was so sick and needed our full time attention right up until the end.

Where I love in Canada is eveyone's idea of what Christmas is like. The only thing missing up here are the elves. The scene is straight out of a movie. Snow, lights,sleigh rides, etc. Any other time it is a cause for real celebration. But after Jeff died it has become a nightmare. I have tried to be as strong as I can because I do not want to bring others down during a happy time of year. Next weekend is the memorial at the hospital and there is also a lantern light and release over the lake for deceased family. All this while a group of people are dressed up in costume from a Dickens novel singing carols. Seem so surreal to me.

Well today is another day. A huge football game in the city on TV. They are playing outside if you can believe it! Sitting outside in the stadium at -12C. can't be too warm. My husband will no doubt be cozily curled up in his fave chair with a bowl of munchies remarking at how crazy it is for someone to sit there frozen like an ice cube watching the game. I'm planning on cooking a nice chicken with all the trimmings.

Thinking of everyone today. Keeping you all in my prayers. God bless.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, the area you live sounds like a movie set for a winter wonderland. I hope that the beauty of the place can hold some of the magic for you again. As far as being able to go to the lantern launch and memorial, take it moment by moment if you are able, figuring out that day if it feels like something you want and can do. One thing I would like you to know though, that no matter if you are blue or if you are raging against the odds that leave you in this tangle, or if you are weeping uncontrollably...YOU ARE STRONG. Nobody lives a day beyond their child and not be strong. We develop a strength we wish we never had to know, but since we do I find it a comfort to know that I am strong, I cry at cotton commercials for heaven's sake, but I am strong. Sometimes what keeps me going is knowing that the strength that we now have is going to be what drives my motivations from here on out. Finding ways to shine their lights.

Yesterday my husband said that I looked sad and I said that the holidays coming have put that sting in my eyes at every turn, and he said if he could have a mgaic want he would take away the sadness, and I said that if that was possible, it would mean ERi never died. HE said that he knows that when I am sad that it is a part of me and that he knows he cannot change that, and I can honestly say that I am very glad that I have the room to be sad when it hits.

I hope Husband and you have a cozy day, I am presently at school getting a bit of work done in the quiet and will also watch some BEARS FOOTBALL later on today. Went to the gym with Shannon for a bit and might nap some later...

I am forgetting names again, but there is a MOM who had taken out an order of protection a few weeks ago on her husband and we have not heard from her much, anyone know how she is? I am concerned.

[Guest msnher]

You're thinking of Crystal - Tyler's mom, Dee. She lives in Elko Nevada and her son was shot when he and his girlfriend walked in on a burglary in process of their home. I've been thinking about her, too.

[Guest msnher]

Maybe she lives in Ely, not Elko.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Dee and Susannah...how are you two this morning? I was thinking of her as well. And by the way...has anyone heard from Greg? He sounded pretty down the last time he posted. He's such a nice person and I hope he is ok. He's really feeling it right now.

Thanks Dee and Sus...you have been a godsend to me this past while. And yes, Susannah you have hgelped to keep me in check. And I need that from time to time. I am sitting here as I write looking at a pileated woodpecker on the oak tree in front of our deck. The thing is huge. The size of a large crow and I am guessing the largest in North America. They have to be 18" high with a bright red head. Wonder if Woody Woodpecker was written about this guy? Anyway, getting ready to head to the site for probably the last time for several months. Will strap on our snowshoes and walk along the path in the woods to the site overlooking the lake. It has frozen up now after the storm and it looks very imposing with almost mini icebergs. Then back home for a warm bowl of soup and then the football game.

Hope you get a lot accomplished at school today Dee. Sus..thinking of you...in good ways! Have a lovely day.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sus, Crystal, yes, I am worried. And yes Kate, Greg, how is Greg? I hope that he is okay, he has been a strong supporter here for many years. Peace to all, enjoy that snowshoe walk, sounds so peaceful.

Diane, where are you?

Carol, hanging on okay?

Dan, what about you?

[ericasmom]

Kate, I forgot to mention the joy at watching that woodpecker. They are large, never have seen that particular kind here but many others, smaller in variety and with a red patch as well. Love them and love their sound that alerts me to one being about, I mean their vocalizations, it is a sound unlike other birds. They are masters of shyness though, at least around here, hanging in the tip-tops of trees and staying on the sides of trees difficult to see when humans are around. Once in a while though, when my binoculars are around my neck and I am still, I can watch the beautiful creatures for several minutes before they flit to another tree.

[Jeff's Mom]

Yes, they are indeed beautiful birds. Actually they are a deep woods bird that in the past few years have ventured into more inhabited areas. It is spellbinding to stand and watch them. They have a distincitve call and can actually do significant damage to trees. They actually bore holes through the tree bark that can be between three to four inches deep.

The walk was just what I needed. Sun shining on perfectly white snow. The forest was so peaceful and serene. Then back home to watch the game. We won! So our team is off to the Grey Cup next weekend. YES! My husband is in a particularly good mood today after the win. Guess I'll be planning a party next Sunday.

Hope to hear from Greg and a few others that they are ok. Saying prayers for peace again in their lives. Talk to you soon.

Kate

[daveydow1]

Kate-----Yes---the two-year mark can be so very painful.......a sorrowful reminder that we have not

seen our child/children for that length of time which seems like forever. Christmas, and holidays

can be such a 'chore' to get through when one doesn't feel ,in the least, like the rest of the world....

celebrating, jolly, etc. I understand so well. My prayers are with you, friend.

Dee-----I've always been the type who could sort of 'hold off' crying.......now, not so sure. For me,

it is very unpredictable. Sometimes I have good control, ....other times not so much. Oh, yes----

I just love the woodpeckers. Their hammering somehow seems so energetic, and happy. We

see many more of them in the winter....at the feeder, and hear them off in the woods in the summer.

I will check for the books on pet loss when I get to the library.....thanks.

Kathy-----So sorry that your are having a painful time with your grown son. Peace & prayers.

Lorrie----Trixie is a beautiful little lady. 16 is a long time to have a pet, and then have to go & have them

put to sleep, I know. We had Brownie 15 yrs. I'm still blubbering around. Your message on your

iPhone must have been a little sign from Kourtney. Yep---there does seem to be something about

electronics.....something in the airwaves that we can't find an explanation for. Kourtney coming

through for you, Lorrie.

Yes-----I agree with everyone that I, too, miss our new & old friends who haven't been on BI

for awhile. Hope they come back sometime soon.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

Susannah-I'm here, I've been trying to keep up with the posts, but just haven't been able to post lately. I am in the same two year funk that Kate is in. Her's is Dec 12, I think and mine is January 13, almost exactly a month later. I went to the cemetery today since its Sunday. It has been raining so I couldn't sit on my bench. I knelt beside the stone and told him again how sorry I am for everything. I don't know what it was that I did that I shouldn't have or didn't do that I should have. I don't know what to do now. Is it okay to find forgiveness for yourself when your child is gone? Is it okay to keep living when they are not and never will again in this world? I went Christmas shopping yesterday because I woke up one morning last week at 4:00 and couldn't go back to sleep because I realized how soon it would be here and I hadn't done the first bit of shopping. It is still unreal to me that I can't shop for Westley, unless you count Christmas flowers for his vase. I, of course, do not count that. I think the annual service at our cemetery will be 2 weeks from today. I didn't mention it to his friends last year, but I need to this year. The man who spoke at last year's service very nearly pissed me off (not hard to do then or now). All he talked about was his grandfather and what a great man he was and how his whole family loved him and still to this day people told him what a great man he was. I don't doubt the truth of this, nor does it make me feel any better that my only son died at 20 in his sleep on a friend's couch. He was a great person too, and has no children or grandchildren to mourn him, only his heartbroken Mama and Daddy and his sister, and a neice who was trying to remember his name the other night, and couldn't without my help. She's only 3 and I can barely talk about him without crying, so I don't bring his name up around her much, because it upsets her to see me cry. And I don't know if I can bear to look into that face again and have her remind me that he's nebber coming back, not ebber, again. Once was enough for me and almost too much. And I hold my grandson who will never know him, and I wonder what it would be like if he had lived. Would he have ever had children and what would they look like? I wonder why this happened, if its my fault and how I can ever expect to find much happiness in this life, or why I should. I feel like I'm in an alternate reality that sucks so bad. And then I realize that it is not an alternate reality, but I was right about the sucks so bad part. You may wish you hadn't asked where I was by this point, but that's where I am. Sorry to ramble about everything, but I guess that's why I haven't posted much lately, my thoughts are incoherent at best and at worst the ravings of a madwoman.

Kate-I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time too. I feel like you and I are in the same place and it sucks. I hate when everybody else is happy not because I wish they weren't, but because I wish I was.

Dee-Thank you for the poems. I'm not a very poetic person, but I can see the pictures that you draw with your words.

Trudi-I hope that Mal is feeling better soon. And Melissa continues to heal.

Colleen-I tried to get caught up on posts, but didn't see any from you in the past few. I may have missed it, though, if you did post lately. I hope that you are making it okay.

Carol-Thinking of you and Ralph and Davis. Hugs

Kathy-It is so hard to do that tough love thing. I hope that things start to get better

All of you are in my thoughts every day and I hope that you all are feeling the presence and not the absence of your angels.

[westleysmom]

Sherry-And I meant to say hi to you and hope that you are doing okay. I am on my computer at home, which is a laptop that I bought for Westley in 2008 when he went to college for all of 3 weeks, and I can't do much with it. Hugs to you too

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends.....Quiet here but always postings when I come. Thank you for your prayers and I know that with tough love, all your prayers and wonderful Angels watching down from above my son will find the strength to get back on the straight road again...It would certainly bring me much needed rest as the worry can wear you down..

The 3 boy sleep over was totally exhausting - stayed up till midnight after the giggles for almost 45 minutes....it was all good but this mi-mi was totally wiped out but they had a good time. It was a beautiful day today so they played outside for most it, both boys left at 3 and Tavian climbed on the couch and tuned into some cartoons and that was it....

A quick story for you guys.....it made me believe that there truely are some wonderful people out there and our Angels are among us....I received a card today with 600 dollars in it from someone I barely know....the card said "We decided this year not to exchange gifts with each other and instead give the money we would spend to you for Tavian, we would like for him to have the best Christmas as we know it has been a diffacult time for him and nothing would make us happier. God Bless and we believe in Angels." I sat there with the lump in my throat and the tears rolling down my cheeks.....After all of the "oh no you did not juat say that people" and the "oh no you did not just do that people" it was like a beautiful rainbow after a storm....there really are some "GOOD" people out there (besides all of you guys). Today was a good day and I know my Jessica is smiling right along side of all our Angels...

I am going to go spend a bit of time with Tavian before bed time. I love you guys and am always, every day, thankful for finding BI when I was at the point where I had no where to go, no one to talk to, no one who understood, and then there you all were saving my life one post at a time.....God Bless, Strength, Love and Peace, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kathy, what a wonderful gift from some unsung good soul. I bet Jess is smiling wide with your joy upon opening that envelope. Joyous.

Rhonda, I am sorry that you struggle with the sense that somehow you are to blame for your Westley's death. That somehow you were to know what was going to take place...I pray that you are able to forgive yourself and allow yourself to live a happier existence. I hate that you feel you may not deserve to. I know that if anyone on this site said those same words, your post would tell them that there was nothing that they could have done to prevent the loss, and you would mean it, but you are unable to let that advice be for you, won't let yourself off the hook. I think that the guilt has taken over Sweet Rhonda, clouding any joy from entering your world and I wish that I could blow some of those clouds away and let you feel the sunlight on your face and in your heart again. I was glad to see you today, it has been a while.

Colleen is struggling right now too, not posting much but hopefully feeling the love. I imagine that Karen may not be here for the same reasons right now, seasonal celebrations on top of grief are a difficult mix. To All, I wish that your Angels have a visit and let you know that you are loved beyond measure and that your happiness is important to them too.

[lolynbo]

MY PHONE DID IT AGAIN. THIS TIME IT SAID. HEY. KOURTNEYS BFF SAID SHE WENT TO HER COMPUTER. AND IT SAID. HELLO.

[Jeff's Mom]

Rhonda and all my indigo friends...I wish tonight that my arms were long enough to wrap them around all of you to give you warmth and comfort. Nobody said this road was an easy walk. How could it be? Yes, it does indeed suck! Using a Jeff term which he used quite frequently! All too frequently actually! We cannot beat ourselves up that we are here and they were taken. We did our best as parents and they had to have known that we loved them. I'll bet that when we see them again they will say," For the love of God, why did you guys go on like that?" We are actually happier then before. We were worried about you!

Rhonda, yes the holidays are hard as as you mentioned and I am really feeling it like the others. But we are not alone in this, as you have seen. There are many good and kind people that are going through this. So, when you are feeling so down. Just let us know. We will be here.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Susannah-I'm here, I've been trying to keep up with the posts, but just haven't been able to post lately. I am in the same two year funk that Kate is in. Her's is Dec 12, I think and mine is January 13, almost exactly a month later. I went to the cemetery today since its Sunday. It has been raining so I couldn't sit on my bench. I knelt beside the stone and told him again how sorry I am for everything. I don't know what it was that I did that I shouldn't have or didn't do that I should have. I don't know what to do now. Is it okay to find forgiveness for yourself when your child is gone? Is it okay to keep living when they are not and never will again in this world? I went Christmas shopping yesterday because I woke up one morning last week at 4:00 and couldn't go back to sleep because I realized how soon it would be here and I hadn't done the first bit of shopping. It is still unreal to me that I can't shop for Westley, unless you count Christmas flowers for his vase. I, of course, do not count that. I think the annual service at our cemetery will be 2 weeks from today. I didn't mention it to his friends last year, but I need to this year. The man who spoke at last year's service very nearly pissed me off (not hard to do then or now). All he talked about was his grandfather and what a great man he was and how his whole family loved him and still to this day people told him what a great man he was. I don't doubt the truth of this, nor does it make me feel any better that my only son died at 20 in his sleep on a friend's couch. He was a great person too, and has no children or grandchildren to mourn him, only his heartbroken Mama and Daddy and his sister, and a neice who was trying to remember his name the other night, and couldn't without my help. She's only 3 and I can barely talk about him without crying, so I don't bring his name up around her much, because it upsets her to see me cry. And I don't know if I can bear to look into that face again and have her remind me that he's nebber coming back, not ebber, again. Once was enough for me and almost too much. And I hold my grandson who will never know him, and I wonder what it would be like if he had lived. Would he have ever had children and what would they look like? I wonder why this happened, if its my fault and how I can ever expect to find much happiness in this life, or why I should. I feel like I'm in an alternate reality that sucks so bad. And then I realize that it is not an alternate reality, but I was right about the sucks so bad part. You may wish you hadn't asked where I was by this point, but that's where I am. Sorry to ramble about everything, but I guess that's why I haven't posted much lately, my thoughts are incoherent at best and at worst the ravings of a madwoman.

Kate-I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time too. I feel like you and I are in the same place and it sucks. I hate when everybody else is happy not because I wish they weren't, but because I wish I was.

Dee-Thank you for the poems. I'm not a very poetic person, but I can see the pictures that you draw with your words.

Trudi-I hope that Mal is feeling better soon. And Melissa continues to heal.

Colleen-I tried to get caught up on posts, but didn't see any from you in the past few. I may have missed it, though, if you did post lately. I hope that you are making it okay.

Carol-Thinking of you and Ralph and Davis. Hugs

Kathy-It is so hard to do that tough love thing. I hope that things start to get better

All of you are in my thoughts every day and I hope that you all are feeling the presence and not the absence of your angels.

Rhonda...know what you mean about the happy thing. You are entitled to your down days like each and every one of us. Look at yesterday? I was a wreck. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. This is a wild roller coaster ride living and working through grief. You have us. You are definitely not alone. Hang in there.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Rhonda...there is something else I wanted to say. It is not your fault about what happened!!! You must not blame yourself. Believe me my friend that I do understand what you are saying. Yesterday I was in a real state. It hit me like a brick wall. Today my husband and I walked into the site to visit for the last time until the warmer weather. It simply is not possible to access this site in the winter up here. The snow is far too deep. I turned to walk away and looked back as if I was deserting him. My husband had tears in his eyes as we headed back.

I know I often appear far too upbeat..I am not really. I am trying to hold myself together to get through the days as best as I am able. The pain that you are experiencing is very normal and real. We are all going through this in our own way. Your son will never be forgotten. He is held firmly in your loving embrace and heart. Your family will remember as you wish him to be remembered. The little guy could place an ornament on the tree on a yearly basis to remember him. The memory only dies if we let it. We cannot fixate on them but we can keep them alive in a realistic way by honouring their memory in a positive way. You loved him and it shows in your posts. I'm sure he knew it.

Any time you need to talk we are here to listen.

Kate

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all: First I want to thank all of you for your prayers, good wishes, and kind thoughts. It truly means a lot to both of us that so many care and send us good thoughts. The past few days have been rough, with Ralph not "bouncing back" from the procedure he had on Thurs. I finally had to call the doctor yesterday, as he was having a lot of dry heaves and also dizziness. She reassured me that the heaving is likely a result of the coughing he's doing with the COPD, and the esophagus being irritated by the endoscopy is making the coughing more often. I told him this morning that I think he needed to fight the lethargy as I truly believed that if he got up and tried to walk around, he might feel a little stronger. So, we did that last night before he went to bed, and again this morning. Seems the dizziness is almost gone today, and he was actually able to, with my help, get out to the car and we went for an ice cream. It was 63 degrees when I came out of church today, and I called him and told him we needed to take advantage of the sun to take in a bit of cheer.

Home again after our forray, he asked me, out of the blue "So, does this mean I have had a death sentence handed to me?" Up to this point, he really hasn't talked about it much. I had told Cathi that I would not tell him, but if he asked, I would not lie. Mostly, I want him (and me, of course) to talk to the doctor for more information. I didn't tell him the details of what I know but did remind him that we have to focus on what can be done instead of what can't be done (advice from a very dear friend, on the other side of the world). We agreed to wait until we see the doctor before we drive ourselves nuts speculating. But he seemed down for the rest of the day. He hasn't been sleeping, or eating, so I am sure that is zapping his strength. He did take a tylenol pm tonight, so hopefully that will help him sleep.

Kathy: What wonderful news about your anonymous donor. There are truly kind and generous people out there. I think perhaps your Jess is pretty happy over this, and likely had a hand in it somehow. I am glad that Tavian had such a good time with his overnight, and though tiring for you, of course, he I'm sure is grateful that you let him. Your comment "my son will find the strength to get back on the straight road again...It would certainly bring me much needed rest as the worry can wear you down.." certainly resonates with me. I am so sorry that BJ is not sticking to being clean, and of course, it does have an impact on you (and Barry) and does add to the stress and worry that you carry over it. Is he living near you again? We are planning on giving Davis some new boundaries this week, and I know that he is not going to take it well. We told him this past payday that he needed to be sure he holds money out from his check for his expenses, i.e., cigarettes, food, gas, etc. He never answered one way or the other, but I did tell him that I could not and would not be listening to him telling me how hungry he is and how he just has to have cigarettes, etc. I think one of the bigger boundaries that is going to fall this week is that he can no longer call us after 10 pm. He doesn't usually get out of work til 9:30 and he has been calling to ask if he can come over for a bit. Then he first goes to a friend's, and calls MUCH later telling me he will be here "soon." That is going to stop. It happened a couple of times last week, and I finally texted him and told him not to come by, it was too late. Of course, he did not save any of his money out for expenses, and he even spent all of the tips he earned last night already, and then spent the last 34 dollars in his account from payday. (he busses on Saturday nights, and gets tips from the waitresses). I was able to get an appt with his therapist on Saturday and we talked for a bit about what I can do to bring myself out from under this stress, etc. Of course, I KNOW what I need to do, but I don't know how I am going to handle it if indeed the woman he is staying with lives up to her statement that he has to find a place to live by December 1. It is very cold here, and pretty much impossible to sleep in your car. Davis's therapist (he has given her permission to speak to me on a limited basis regarding him, but she and I kept this discussion at "if someone had a drug addicted person in their life, etc. for the purpose of this conversation) has reinforced my strength by reminding me that even though he does not have a place to stay, that it is HIS own doing...he DOES have a way to stop...he just doesn't want to do it. He does not want to spend those days sick, with withdrawal, etc., and so he is avoiding it by continuing to do drugs. There is not anyplace around here right now where someone could do a detox...they all have waiting lists that are months long. But, she said, if someone really wanted to stop, he could go to meetings, get some help, some support, and do it.

Wow, rambling again. So sorry, guys.

Sherry: I am sorry for the sorrow you feel over your precious "Brownie" no longer being there with you. Didn't you say once that it was also David's pet? I am sure this adds to the sense of loss, as well. And, Lorri, didn't you say that Trixie was Kourt's dog? Forgive me if I am wrong in my "remembries." And Lorri, I too believe that Kourt has sent you these two messages on your new phone. It is well know that sometimes electronics are used to leave that "sign" that we all so look forward to.

Ralph and I went to the library on Wednesday to return the books on cd that we had borrowed for the trip. This was two days after the doctor had told him of the cancer, and one day before we were to go up there for the test they were going to do. We talked about it all the way to the library. Ralph did not go in to the library; he just waited in the truck. When I came out, I found myself at the front door (we had parked out back) and started to call him on our cell to ask him to pick me up at the front, as my knee was really giving me fits, and I would have to go up another flight of stairs to go out the back way. Midway through dialing, I decided to just cope with it, and I shut the phone and headed up the stairs to the back door. Outside, as I came up behind the truck, there was a little purple heart-shaped piece of craft-type foam lying on the ground, right behind his truck. I picked it up and gave it to him, telling him "I think this was sent to you."

Dee: I loved the poems you posted. As usual, they find their way into our hearts and bring us comfort in their expressiveness. I am glad to hear that Jon and Shannon are back and that they had such a good time on their honeymoon. I am so happy for you and John, and for them, also. I hope you have a good week at school. It is nice that it is a short week, and I hope you enjoy the time off.

Rhonda: So good to see you here again...and I am sorry that you are having this added pain when you even think about the holidays, along with thinking of never seeing West again. The "nebber, ebber," would not be something I would want to hear again, either. The longing, while you hold your grandson, the wondering, while these are all normal feelings, still they hurt so much. As for the feelings of self-blame, I totally agree with Dee in that I hope you are able to find a way to forgive yourself, and eventually that you will understand there is nothing, really, to forgive. We feel those feelings, because, I think, that as their mom, we felt we SHOULD have been there, that we SHOULD have been able to change the outcome. My heart goes out to you, and prayers that you will find some peace in your mind and heart, soon.

Kate: I agree, where you live sounds like the makings of Christmas cards and paintings. I am glad that your team won and you and your husband were able to find some joy for the afternoon.

Susan: Thinking about you and hoping that your days become more "even" and you do have a good week ahead.

Greg: Yes, I also hope that you are doing okay. We are all thinking of you. Diane: and you, also...hope you are doing okay. I know that with the holidays coming up, our hearts take on an even heavier burden than usual and the pain of our loss is magnified by the joy of those around us, celebrating their happiness over the holidays.

Susannah: I wish you a good week, also, with the children, and I am sure they are all bouncing up and down anticipating the upcoming "turkey day" and time off from school. I love that the kitty is making himself at home at your house, and blending in with all that is going on around him. Thank you, for your prayers and your words to Ralph.

Col: ?? You okay? Thinking about you, my friend.

Trudi: Sending wishes for Mal to start feeling better...I hope the meds have kicked in a little more than before. Sending strength for you to be able to handle the added stress. Are you still doing the running around with Melissa and the grandies?

My eyes are feeling heavy, perhaps I will sleep? It is a little late for the wish, but I do wish all a good night, with perhaps a sweet bit of a dream of our angels.

I am attaching a picture of Ralph, at his sister's house, in with his BIL, in their recording studio, recording a couple of songs. His BIL plays the music, you sing and he records it with the mixer, then he tracks in each different instrument, playing each one himself....starts off with acoustic guitar and the "beat" sound, then does the electric guitar, then the bass guitar, then the fiddle, and then mixes in some steel guitar. He is very talented and has played music much of his life. Ralph recorded "She thinks I still Care" a Merle Haggard song, and when we played it back, we were just about in tears at how beautiful it sounded. Then he recorded "Amazing Grace" and the tears did fall when that was played back. Then I recorded "Amazing Grace" and then Ralph did a George Jones song "Today I started loving you again." We had a truly good time with it.

(the pic has a lot of light captured from the ceiling fixture, and I can't seem to add any contrast to it.)

[mikesmum]

I have been clearing out files on this computer from many moons ago. I have found the centred intelligent documents of a time long ago when my mind was sharp and my thirst for knowledge was amazing. Then there are the ramblings of the insane mother who lost her child. Many many letters to the Coroner asking for answers, many answers to my company asking how the couldn't see being at work when Mike died being the cause of PTSD. Some from other Indigo's sharing questions, fears and seeking answers....they hit hardest.

To all ~ thank you for your thoughts for Mal and Melissa. The healing of both is slow but continues. Mal has been able to stay upright for over 4hrs this morning. I think he has turned the corner. Melissa unfortunately has gone back to crutches. Seems the breaks are healing but as they do nerve damage is becoming a side issue exacerbated by her walking too much. The limp is still very pronounced. Back to the ortho on the 20th December.

Kathy ~ There is something about a Random Act of Kindness that wipes all the 'oh no you didn'ts'. Such a special gift in the true spirit of giving. A gift that I'm sure means alot to you about now.

Carol ~ you must have been posting at the same time I was writing this. I can only imagine how hearing your man sing those beautiful words to your heart would take your breath away. Even harder to hear are those words "So, does this mean I have had a death sentence handed to me?" I know you have the ability to see hope in all things...I know you will always seek the best outcomes for those you love. Having said that Ralph is in good hands, yours. I am hoping you find the strength you need in regards to Davis. He does need to understand that about now all energy is needed for a greater good.

On a sad note, a young woman I worked with passed this week. When I joined the company 10ys ago she had just been given the all clear for breast cancer. At the time she had two small children. Her husband once a police officer was serving time. She did the most amazing cross stitch. One I remember was of her two kids. Someone had a computer generated image placed onto cloth and she worked on it most night shifts. When she finished it, it looked like a portrait. She worked for Fire Services, I worked for Ambulance. I remember on my return to work when all others walked the other way, she came and sat with on my break. Nothing said, nothing needed to be said.

Thoughts for Julies kids, now about 17 & 18. Still so young to be without your mum.

[Guest msnher]

4am and Gary and I have gotten little sleep because the feline and the canine are restless.

Carol - There are so many things going through my mind to say to help ease some of the fear you and Ralph are facing. But, in the back of all those thoughts is another thought that says walking through the fear while facing such uncertainty and more illness is part of the journey and if I were to preach on it shows a disrespect for what you are going through instead of validation. I have nothing but respect and affection for both of you and I would not want to appear to minimize the obstacle you are facing. It is huge, this obstacle in your path. "Does this mean I have had a death sentence handed to me?". Heartbreaking words. Each one of us are handed a "death sentence" with our first breath, never knowing when that sentence will be fulfilled. It is difficult for me to understand why one is allowed to suffer, however. Cancer, aids, diabetes, etc, etc.... "Only the strongest of souls can endure the hardest of life's challenges." That is something I've heard often throughout my life. Perhaps as a way of trying to offer comfort to the many obstacles placed in the path of my own life's journey. I'm not sure if it became my truth because I heard it so often or because I really believe it. I think it's because I really believe it. Believing that, however, doesn't make the burn hurt less when the fire hits my skin.

My dear friend, I pray God's angels surround and comfort you and Ralph. I ask that the arch angels, especially the arch angel Raphael, touch Ralph (and you) with comfort, strength and health. I ask that the love of the Holy Mother envelope both of you as a cradle holds a newborn babe. I ask that your hearts be filled with a confidence and security that you are loved far more than one of us could possibly comprehend. While the physical and mental challenge is tremendous, I pray that your thoughts be stilled with peace.

Do you remember in my hotel room and I was overcome with exhaustion and you, Amanda and Karen prepared to leave so I could sleep? You were sitting in a chair by the wall and I saw the biggest, brightest angel of light surrounding you? I think I said something like, "You have a big angel." And you said something like "Yes, I know." You don't walk alone......

"Does this mean I have had a death sentence handed to me?" Not today.

[sadmomm]

Sherry-And I meant to say hi to you and hope that you are doing okay. I am on my computer at home, which is a laptop that I bought for Westley in 2008 when he went to college for all of 3 weeks, and I can't do much with it. Hugs to you too