Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Greg, the song made me cry, so pretty and speaks to what I believe. I walked under what appears to be the full moon, which makes perfect sense when I think of the behavior of many kids in our school today...anyhow, pretty halo around the moon and I am made to believe that our Angels are looking at the same moon. We are all connected and while it isn't the same, it isn't like having our Babies here, it is what we have and it is precious. I am sending thoughts to you and your wife as you face the struggle of your neighbors and your own pain surrounding his death.

Kate, eyes on the skies, the heavens abound with lights. How are you today?

Kathy, hard to see and hear and assist in an accident but I am glad for the woman who sat in shock that you did stay with her and help her wait for her Husband. How hard.

The photo you posted is a classic of Jess, love it.

Susannah, I have taken and enjoyed many writing classes over the years. History sounds good too, and you will do a lot ofthinking but there is no class you can take that won't cause you to FEEL. It is fun to look forward to a class though, so maybe many of us will sign up for something for the winter.

Dee, doing much better, thanks. Have to admit the shopping experience at the mall the other day triggered some panic feelings. Too many memories when I saw the Christmas decorations, etc. Wanted to run and hide, but there was nowhere to go. Gave myself a good talking too and I am Ok for now.

Susannah, if you are thinking of taking a writing class you are sooooo going to love it! I went back to University a few years ago, and studied Canadian Literature and writing. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and met so many great new friends. It will do you so much good and help you to channel your thoughts into writing. GO GIRL!

As for my comment on Northern Lights...well, if anyone has had the opportunity to view Northern Lights, they are a spectacular sight. Check it out on google. One way of God saying,"You guys have firecrackers, but beat this one"! Awe inspiring.

[Guest msnher]

Hello Indigo's,

I've tried to post a few times this morning and keep hitting the wrong button or something to lose my post. I'm out of time, now, so I just want to say good morning and I'm thinking of you all!

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[echofc]

Hoping everyone has a good day. I thank you all for your support and pray for everyone on this list. Bless you all and may you find peace traveling this journey.

Love,

Sue (Stacy's mom)

The picture below is of Stacy (in pink) with her friend at the country music festival in Nashville. She was a huge country music fan. At her funeral we played a video with the song "Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts.

[westleysmom]

It has been a crazy busy week for me and I just haven't had a chance to sign in. Went back and tried to get caught up on the past few days. Even when I don't get to post, I am thinking of you all.

Dee-The pictures of the wedding were beautiful. They make a lovely couple. I hope that they are enjoying their honeymoon and you are recovered from the festivities.

Susan-Shannon is a beautiful girl, it makes me smile back every time I see it.

Betty-I know it was a few days ago that you were on, but I was glad to hear that you are doing okay and just taking a break. I kind of feel like that's what I'm doing too. The sadness of the "lasts" is still stronger than the joy of them. I try to be grateful for the time that we had with Westley here, but the future seems so long without him. Hugs to you.

Lorri-Glad you survived the earthquake and the hateful person who thinks you're too emotionally invested or whatever crazy term she used.

Kathy-Tavian is such a help to you, I'm sure in more ways that just making soup. You are in my thoughts as you deal with BJ's addiction.

Carol-I'm glad you are back and hope that Davis is doing better as well. There's no place like home is there?

I have to get to work, but just wanted to say hi. Hope that the day is kind to you and your angel's presence is felt all around you

[echofc]

OOOPs. Don't know what happened to the picture. Second try.

Sue

[Guest msnher]

I just got back from Jonathon's hearing appt. I totally forgot he had a hearing loss in his right ear...he's doing so well. He barely spoke for the first four years of his life. His first foster home tried to teach him sign language so he could communicate. By the time we got him, at four years of age, he rarely spoke and when he did he stuttered horribly. As I said before, his biggest problem was he was over compliant. Wonderful for me, but not normal for a four year old boy. We were very patient with his speech. Now we can rarely shut him up - not that we want to. Last year, when they tested his hearing, I was a different woman and Jonathon was a different boy. We were both still heartbroken of his mother, my daughter's, death...and, we were still learning how to live together. He still lived in fear and I was just angry and sad. Today as I sat there I realized the change. He was confident and spoke for himself. He jumped up to see if he could reach the top of the shelf as we talked to him and he answered normally as if jumping up to the top of the book shelf was the most natural thing in the world. The hearing person (I have no idea what he's called) asked Jonathon if he remembered any sign language and Jonathon signed "I love you". I taught them that sign. As a family we can say I love you and I'm sorry in sign, english and spanish. I was so proud of him. My heart soared as he skipped, jumped and ran in front of me, stopping only to hold the door for me. So different from last year. Last year we were both lost, finding our way together.

Just when I think I haven't grown at all something like this happens to prove me wrong.

[sadmomm]

HI INdigos. Read a while as i usually do. Now walking around the house moaning. sad.. crying.. thought i had started to wall it off. I am no wall. It is nice to have you as friends . Nothing really works for happiness. Some of the mares are in foal... hope they don't foal in winter thought hope is not the ticket because they will. that is obvious.. so more attention for them with their new lives... they will be cute. but i have lost all interest. Though it was there that I saw the smiley face cloud. And I have had dreams. I am planning on moving back to MD ... Won't have as much free time.. Because property is so high there.. Am planning on doing farming and horse boarding and trucking and perhaps some sewing. The sewing has been so slow.. like nothing.. My daughter drives a mini cooper don't like that but it gets great mileage. My son wants a camaro.. that is neat. they are both working and going to school. Cass is a senior... wow.... Lee is almost done with junior college is really a good artist. he smokes. yikes. i have been also since this horrible thing. with my sweet angel Morgan. How... why... did... Morgan was the philosopher ... I wish he'd philosophy me right now... love to you all Carrie

[daveydow1]

Hello to All Indigos...........I've been off BI, and am so far behind.....have lots

going on and been so busy. Thanks to everyone for the lovely pics, poems,

and videos. Keeping all of you and your angels in my thoughts & prayers.

Will try to get caught up a bit, but....miss a day or two, and I get really behind

with the posts. PEACE TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - " Just when I think I haven't grown at all something like this happens to prove me wrong" - Susannah - I love how you write, I feel as though I was right there with you at the "hearing doctor" Had to quote you as that sentence is so very true....just when I think I have not grown at all Tavian will do something to prove me wrong.....Thanks...

Yes, it was hard to watch someone being cut out of a car as I sat with the driver of the other car.....The woman is not doing well, alot of internal injuries and at the age of 81 with some heart problems all we can do is pray....it is in God's hands.... Just so thankful that no one else was involved as there were other vehicles coming but thankfully they were paying attention and avoided a possible 5 car pile up....

Greg - absolutely beautiful, the sign language along with the singing - wow - so very emotional....Thinking of your neighbors and their pain as well as yours...

Yes, Dee that is a classic pic of my Jessica....one of my favorite among many.....I have boxes of pics that I promise I am going to go through each and do my albums - say it each winter and then when I start going through them I get too emotional and put it off again....The day will come though when I will be able to do it....

Tavian and I are off for the next 3 days and it is supposed to be good weather, a bit cold, but we will have fun.... I do not know if I mentioned it or not, think I did, but anyway....Tavian now goes to bed by himself - one night he just looked at me and said "I don't think I need you in here anymore mi-mi" !!! I was very excited at the time as it has taken him 5 years to get to this point but as I walked out of the bedroom I almost fell to my knees realizing that he is really "growing up" and that makes me sad, happy and sad, I don't know....it was the part where he said "need you in here anymore" that went straight to my heart......I knew the day would come but didn't know how unprepared I would be for it.....

Love, Strength and Prayers, Kathy

Another classic of my Jessica - sneaking cereal out of the box - I remember that morning as if it were today....so funny when she caught me taking the pic....my girl, my girl

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I read your post at lunch today but had student council come in right afterwards and a full afternoon so I am responding now. I love that you saw the difference a year has made in both your life and Jonathon's. One could expect that the same is true for the girls and your Husband. So when we tell folks to hang on, there must be times that folks are saying, " what for, who cares, why bother?" but then you see that even when you don't fully realize it, you are making progress each day when you face the hard facts upon waking and when you shut your weary eyes each night hoping for sleep. It does not feel like progress, it feels like hell more times than not for a long while, but still you find when you look over your shoulder and see from where you came...you have made progress. Don't lose sight of that, it took a lot of love and work to get to this point.

Sue, I love the photos of your smiling Beautiful Stacy that you posted.

Sadmomm, you are making changes and I hope that they turn out to be good for everyone involved. When do you plan to make your move to MD? Have you already found where you will live? Are you moving before the kids finish school? I wish you well and will send positive energy your way.

Rhonda, thanks for that, I loved the wedding and the sense of joy so evident in Jonathan and Shannon's demeanor.

Jon just called and told me that he and Shan bought good goggles while in Kuai today and went swimming in a little cove with their new goggles on. There were fish Jon said, the color of highlighters a kid uses in school, and best of all, he looked to his left and there sitting next to him was a giant maybe 100 pound sea turtle. He said the turtle was eating and just sitting there not worried at all. Jon said it was the very best thing he could ever do was to hang out with a giant sea turtle. He touched his back and the turtle remained with him just chewing on some seaweed. Jon and Shan were going to a luau tonight so I am sitting here smiling at the wonderful adventure they are sharing. Happy hearts.

[rlolheiser]

sorry I haven't been on to post much lately.. just been down. I am trying so hard to keep strong. My grandaughter is finally out of jail, she called me last night and all i could do is yell at her and cry. I made her cry.. can't say I am sorry.. I just told her to stop it.. I can't do this anymore. She made all the promises.. I just hope I can believe her.

JaBoa's mom is still in jail, nobody has the colaterol (sp) or the money to get her out.. I just dont have 2,900 laying around.

I don't know what to think anymore.. I went to the human service center to try and start process of getting my little grandson, and my husband turned around and told me no. I am kind of mad at him.. I worry for that little guy. I have a hard time grasping the thought I can't have him. I got really sick... right after..seems to be the way my old body is behaving lately.. I get sick with stress.. maybe I can't take the little guy... but I fear that we won't ever see him.. maybe it is just silly.. but I have a dark feeling on this one. Little Sena.. JaBoa's sister is really upset that her brother isn't coming here.. just another thing that is happening in her life.

Mom is doing ok.. physically anyway. but her mind is so going. She forgets so much and wants me to tell her things all the time. She was talking to me today about the accident.. how it wasn't so bad, but she forgot she lost so much.. and the worst was our girl.. I don't know.. just rambling.. I have so much to be ok for.. but telling my brain to stay positive is hard.

Susan, I love your picture of your daughter Shannon.. such a beautiful sight to greet when I open the pages.

Carol.. so glad your trip has gone so well.. I think of you and Ralph often.

Kathy.. all I can say is hugs..

I should write more.. but I am tempting the fates.. it is the first time in weeks I haven't been booted off the site and have to log on 10 times...

Thinking of all of you.. always on my mind.. you and your angels are in my heart

[lolynbo]

Just heard there was a bad wreck passed my house. Haven't heard any details yet

Thought I had me a zpac called in but didn't happen today. Maybe tomarrow God I wished I'd get better

[Susie_q512]

Still waiting for a response from admin as to how to shrink the picture....maybe soon I will get an answer.

Susannah - Hate hearing about the accident. Even though I did not hear the sirens and sounds associated with Shannon's accident, I know the sounds were great....so many firetrucks, ambulances, and police (both city and county) were on the scene. No doubt those sounds filled the area. I freeze every time I hear these sounds or see them flying past on the way to respond to whatever emergency they are headed to. I always say a prayer that it's not as serious as Shannon's accident....always pray that another family is not being placed on this path. On a positive note, you are an excellent writer. i do enjoy reading your posts.

Leah - Wishing I had something useful to say that would encourage you and lift your spirit. Keep hanging on and doing what you're doing. I wonder though why you husband is against getting your grandson? Does he feel your plates are full and cannot handle anything else right now? Is is finances? Just curious about it. Not many people have that kind of money to spare....I sure don't. Besides, often people have already relied on others to bale them out so many times, that the well just runs dry. Do you think it is best for her to stay in jail? Does it help her reach "rock-bottom" in this situation so that she will agree to seek help and possibly bring positive change to her life? Think of you often. Know your heart is heavy.

Another great pic of Jessica. The look on her face reminds me so much of Shannon when she was caught unawares.

Dee - So glad that the newlyweds are enjoying their honeymoon. How cool to hang out with and pet a sea turtle! Happy that their happiness and joy brings you so much happiness and joy. What a blessing!

My day has been bad. Very weary and sad today. Hoping I can sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a little better. Haven't accomplish anything the last two days. I seem to be hurting from the inside out. Just can't believe or accept that this is real...that I've lost Shannon.

Thanks to all for the love and support. So many of you I wish to respond to, but my mind is a tangled mess at the moment. I will reread the posts and respond tomorrow...hopefully. Goodnight all.

[mysonrich]

Hello, just wanted to share a picture or two. My little brother, Robert with his boys. Robert, USAF. Christopher on the left, now a big,bad US Marine. Combat Veteran,now 27. My forever little nephew Patrick, in Gods army of angels. Pat died at 14 years young from liver cancer. Little kids usually don't get this form of cancer. Usually. He was gone in 6 months. He and Rich had some of the same features.

A pictur I took near Washington Crosing State Park. In one of my silly moods I added his request. Also a Vet.

A very rare pic of the Marines landing on a beach during WWII. Should have marked which beach and who sent it to me.

Reading and enjoy your pictures everyone. Our beautiful children.

[shorty16]

Good Morning my Indigo Pals

I just wanted to say hello. I read all your posts, but the words just do not seem to come to me.

I think of you and our angels every day. It snowed yesterday. None stuck. Brian loved Winter, the only one of us that did. He had a season pass for 4 years straight at Sunburst Hill (we do not have mountains in WI). That is why we donated the lannon stone table and bench set to Sunburst with a plaque in the middle. Name - Dates.

Just seems hard lately.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Good Morning, everyone. I wish there was something that I could say or do to help all of you to feel a bit better. If we all lived closer I'd invite you over for dinner and we could all just be together and chat. The days can be hard for sure. Anyway, thinking of each and everyone of you. (HUGS)

Kate

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

day off which is lovely, I spent 10 hours in bed, oh my. Guess I was zonked. It is Veterans Day, hope I am not too late for the service done at a local park. My thoughts to all that serve and have served in our military, may they all feel the hope we have for them to live with the wounds of war (emotional and physical) .

Col, I am so sorry that you are feeling so blue but I sure do get it. It was perhaps at this point in my journey that I took a rather long break from this place just to be quiet and figure a few things out before returning. YOu do what is needed to feel some spark in your spirit and I shall hope that whatever it is you find, it fill you in the spaces so longing right now.

Betsy, love those photos, thanks so much. You went out last week and had a fun time with some old friends I believe and I am happy for your fun night out. I hope this weekend holds some peaceful moments or laugh filled moments as well.

[briansdad]

I have been in a real funk lately. I find myself questioning if my loss has become a crutch for my real faults. It’s so hard to explain. I’ve stepped away from my parents group to see if I feel any different about life in general. This life is so stupid. I feel guilty if I do extra things to remember Brian. It’s like something in the back of my mind is saying “come ON already”. If I screw up at work I think to myself is it because I still live in this distracted world or am I just incompetent.

I think is the loss of Brian sucking my energy or have I just become lazy.

I had a lady at one of the last meetings say to someone when they asked why she was still so down. She replied because I want everyone to know how bad this sucks and how much it hurts and that I will never be Miss cheerful again. I thought to myself …..that sounds a lot like me. I don’t want to be that way but I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that this is what I am now and It REALLY bothers me.

[ericasmom]

Greg, I do believe that it is almost impossible to figure out some of what we may feel is a crutch and what just is...because the death of our Children have changed some of the basics in our world so we live differently. I have long contended that the basic parts of us remain, but we have been altered. I don't think it is a bad idea to every once in a while try to untangle the many strings that we find ourselves hanging from, but we can never know how we would have aged had we not gone through the loss of our Dears. I hope that you are not too hard on yourself though, we all screw things up and we all know that we get distracted perhaps more easily now than before our tragedies. I do understand however, we have to watch that we do not become reliant on our Losses being our go-to-excuses in all things that we do not do well.. Hard balance for sure. I think it is a harder balance when many years pass and folks look at us like: WHAT< YOU STILL FEELING BLUE IT"S BEEN YEARS...so we are put in check so to speak. I guess my reply to myself when there is this doubt in myself and to others is this, it is my first time being 8 years without my Girl and going forward, I don't know how I will be when it is 10 and then more than she was here, it will always hurt but I am still here for a reason. If I can spread some light in the world I damn well will, and when my light is dull, I will sit with that dulled sense until I can figure it out and get brighter again.

sorry, i think i just had a total conversation with myself

[Susie_q512]

I have been in a real funk lately. I find myself questioning if my loss has become a crutch for my real faults. It’s so hard to explain. I’ve stepped away from my parents group to see if I feel any different about life in general. This life is so stupid. I feel guilty if I do extra things to remember Brian. It’s like something in the back of my mind is saying “come ON already”. If I screw up at work I think to myself is it because I still live in this distracted world or am I just incompetent.

I think is the loss of Brian sucking my energy or have I just become lazy.

I had a lady at one of the last meetings say to someone when they asked why she was still so down. She replied because I want everyone to know how bad this sucks and how much it hurts and that I will never be Miss cheerful again. I thought to myself …..that sounds a lot like me. I don’t want to be that way but I guess I have to resign myself to the fact that this is what I am now and It REALLY bothers me.

I am sure that you are not incompetent or lazy. This loss does change us. I am early on in this journey, but know that I am forever changed. I wonder if I will ever feel happiness or laughter again, and I'm talking about really feeling it, not just going through the correct responses or motions. I also wonder if I will experience guilt should I ever get to the point where I am a little better and able to feel something positive. Depression sets in and can be chronic and long term. It's understandable....who wouldn't be depressed after losing their child? Don't know if this is a possible explanation for where you are right now and the things that are giving you trouble. Medication helps to some degree...maybe you have already tried that? If not, it may be worth a try. Seems to me that you are functioning normally in this "new normal" I've been told about. Distraction may always be a battle front for us. Our grief and loss dominates our thoughts. Concentration is very difficult for me. My mind wanders, and I seem to be working on "automatic behavior". Unfortunately, I make a lot of mistakes when working in that capacity. My body is performing, but my mind is absent. Wish I had an answer for you. Hoping that you give yourself a break...It's okay to not be okay. For what it's worth, I can easily see myself where you are now years down this road. Really don't think I will be on top of my game ever again or functioning at full capacity. But that's okay. If we get through the day, we've accomplished more than most people do. Just breathing and putting one foot in front of the other is enough. Others don't understand the effort that those simple actions take. Hate to see that you are thinking negatively about yourself. Grief isn't a crutch; It's an entity. The fact that you go to work and make effort speaks that you are not using it as a crutch. I've rambled....If I have offended you, please accept my apology.

[ericasmom]

Well put Susan. As one early on to one who is long on this road, One day is too long, and learning to live on this side of Loss is daunting adn exhausting and nothing we could ever explain to those not touched as we have all been. Each day takes 200% of one's energy, and so those that just don't understand our new selves, oh well, that will have to be their issue, we have enough to contend with.

Leaving to go to the ceremony now, peace one day one hopes.

[Jeff's Mom]

I agree with Dee...well put Susan. I am only now coming up to the two year mark. I feel that as my mother-in-law took up a 100% of our time after Jeff died that I am only now truly feeling his loss. Grief put on hold if that is at all possible. I do however find there are now good days for me. Days that are ok. But life is forever altered. It will never be the same. How could it? I need to move forward trying to make the best as I am able too with Jeff no longer in our lives. It changes you. That is normal as well. You will find yourself again.

Don't be too hard on yourself BD. You are doing the best you can. Grief has no set limit or time frame. Meds can help to take the edge off if necessary and they are just fine if needed. I guess what I am trying to say is that it will start to improve with patience and time. One day at a time is all I could focus on in the early days. I would make a to do list to try to focus on something. If I accomplished anything I considered it a good day. Some days were a write off. And that was fine too.

Off to the Remembrance ceremony.

[rlolheiser]

Good morning all

I don't usually get the chance to get on right away, but I had it and took it.

So much fighting in my family.. my girls and grandaughter.. all of their lives are so chaotic. I can't believe it, but I am finally smart enough to know I can't do anything about it. I do however tell them.. that they are all each other have.. when the smoke finally clears from their problems.. they are lucky.. they have a loving family and better figure out family is a wonderful thing to have.

Susan, I think my husband is backing out because we have spent so much of our time with grandchildren and children in our lives, out of our 10 years of marriage we have only had one year without people living here turning our world upside down. The finances worry him too. I told him that we would get a small amount.. but one more kid in the mix isn't going to hurt anything. I know he worries about me, my health isn't that great, I take care of my mom and our son, and JaBoa's sister full time. He watches me get sick when the stress takes its toll. I know he feels guilty for saying no right now. I figure I will take some time and maybe he will soften again. There are times I know I shouldn't have him, and there are times I want him so bad I cry. I still am hoping that somebody will come through for her to get out of jail. I am hoping that they can find her a place to live and be put back with her son. I don't know if any of you have paid attention to news of ND and the boom in Williston (my hometown and where my family lives).. but it is terrible there.. lots of jobs, but no place to live. the drugs are plenty.. the booze .. crime... but no houses, you can't find a dr. to take you if your on medicaid.. It isn't a good place to be.. so I worry..IF she has to finish up in Williston, will it pull her down more?. I have a lot of fears.. a lot of doubts.. and all I can do is sit and wait... but thank you for asking... (sorry.. got a little lengthy)

I am taking the kids to town this morning, Sena wants her hair cut, her mother never let her get it done. So.. I said the heck with it, she isn't great at brushing out her hair so make it easier on her and get what she wants.. if my boy wants his hair cut I figure I will splurge on him too.. I am the only one that has ever cut his hair in 8 years.

I think about the comments about the losses we all endure, and I don't see them as a crutch, they cause a lot of change in everybody. There is no same way that any two people can handle it. Our remembrances of our children.. is so that some part of them remain with us. I will never let go of my grandaughter, I will always tell people about her, I will never apologize for it anymore. She was on loan to me from God.. she made a difference in a lot of lives.. so why shouldn't we remember them. To me our angels are just as important in our history as all the names in books we read from years past. They had an impact, maybe didn't do something great for the nation, but they did something great for us.

ok.. sorry... getting going again.. I love our angels and I speak of them often.. I even share stories with my children and grandchildren about your angels.. because they were here..they are here.. they are loved

[lolynbo]

BRIANS DAD I FEEL THE SAME WAY...BETWEEN LOSING KOURTNEY AND OCCASIONALLY BEING SICK I HATE HATE HATE LIFE...I SUCK AT IT...ITS LIKE IM A SLUGGG

WELL THERE WAS A FATALITY LAST NIGHT A 29 YR OLD GUY DIED IN A SINGLE CAR WRECK...I HATE IT FOR HIS FAMILY..ON OUR ROAD OF "LIFE" NOW

IM GETTN MY ZPAC TODAY THE DOC DIDNT GET HIS MESSAGE YEST SO TODAY ITS CALLED IN AND MONTYS GOING TO GO GET IT FOR ME..

ARTS AND CRAFT FESTIVAL HERE IN TOWN...ANOTHER ONE OF THE LAST THINGS KOURTNEY AND I DID....WONT GO CANT

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Last Sunday, there was a memorial in the paper to a young lady who was murdered in 1992 when she was only 19 years old (she was pregnant also) I remember the case very well and was sad to know that it's been so long ago. Anyway, the memorial was from the girl's mother, and it basically said that she can't believe her daughter has been gone as long as she was alive, and that she misses her every day, loves her very much, and wishes she could have known her grandson. It touched me that and reminded me that a mother's heart (or a father's heart) always grieves their child, no matter how many years go by.

I've been seeing my BF since May, and although we have known each other for a long time, having grown up/went to school in the same area, I have told him---the best of me died with Brianna, and this is what's left. I wish you could have known her and me before the whole world fell apart.

Don't know if it's the approaching holidays, the change of season, the early darkness, but I've been pretty blue lately myself. Missing Brianna, thinking of her, crying just about every day on my 40 minute commute to work. Youngest daughter had a Veteran's Day program this morning (she is in band and choir) and I found myself being weepy there too, which reminds me to say THANK YOU to our veterans and their families. We honor and salute you today and every day.

Love to all, Jenn

[Guest msnher]

Greg - YES! Thank you for putting how I feel into words! Same, exact scenerio. Makes me breath a sigh of relief. Maybe I'll give myself a break and not judge myself so harshly today. Maybe you can do the same for yourself??? Thanks again!

[ericasmom]

The ceremony was very well done and there were plenty of soldiers in uniform there to say thanks to, to acknowledge the sacrifice made. The memorial in Scoville Park in Oak Park, Illinois is from ww1, and it lists thousands of names from the area from that war, there in bronze are three soldiers, one from the sea, one on land, and one who battles in air and they are watched over by a woman Columbia who in granite looks to be their guard. So special. There was a color guard, a rifle salute, and many townspeople who came to honor those who have been changed by the wars.

Like us, they can never know who exactly they would be today without that war that changed them.

Lorri, hope that you begin to feel better soon.

Jenn, the holidays and the seasonal change can do a lot to change and dampen one's mood.

Later,

[shorty16]

Greg

I am right there with you. For the first 1.5 years after my Brian's death, I was sick to my stomach - literally for 1.5 years. I feel it coming back again. How my life has turned out without my boy just makes me sick.

For me, the fact that I can not forgive those 2 other boys for their role in Brian's death is really starting to eat at me. I do not want to give those 2 other boys any room in my brain, but it does not seem to be working.

How do I forgive someone who does not take any responsibility for their actions. Who thinks "Brian deserved what he got" or "Brian should never have been on the hood of that car in the first place" No Sh*t Sherlock!!!

My husband, Scott has noticed I am just not myself either. He keeps askimg me "What can I do for you" I think in my head "What I want, is not possible in this lifetime." But I respond "Nothing."

I think I need some time on that punching bag. To pound the heck out of something and not get thrown in jail.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...just popping on to say that, yes, we are back in our home. And, yes, it is true...there truly is "no place like home." I was glad to get back to my own bed, but weirdly enough, the house feels almost strange to me just now. I guess it might be the change in time while we were away...normally at the time we change the clocks in the fall, I have a couple of really gloomy days, so I guess that was delayed until we got home. The rest of our trip was good...we got in just after dark.

Damon came over yesterday and stayed overnight and all day today. Kameron is here now, and he and Damon are playing and Damon will go home after supper. He has been such a joy. However, when we went to get Kameron and he got into the van and started talking and laughing with Damon, my heart jumped in my chest...he sounds so much like Mike, it is almost eery. Most times I try to look at it as a gift, but now and then, my huge hole in my heart grabs at me and my joy is changed into sorrow at the remembrence that Mike is not here, that it is Kameron who is speaking. I would never let him know that...that sometimes hearing his voice makes me sad...I try to just accept it as a gift when he is here. He loves being just like his dad. He is even happier now that he sounds like him, as well.

I have some pics I want to post, but need to resize them before I post them. Got some really great pics in the mountains in Virginia and then again at the beach. Got up at sunrise three times (that's a record for me!) and took some pics.

Greg...I agree with everyone here...we do change enough that the things that are bothering you are our new normal...I get so distracted sometimes I scare myself. Of course, as Dee says, we do need to try to strike a balance, but that can be difficult--sometimes more difficult than others. Perhaps this is just a time for you when you do need to step back, as you have done with CF, and listen to your own heart.

Susan: Now that I am home, I am able to see your beautiful daughter's awesome picture...she just jumps right into your heart with those beautiful eyes and that "share the joy with me" smile. So very precious. '

Now that I am home I can also post easier, and not have to worry about mysterious spell check corrections that make me look like an idiot!

Leah: I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with all that you deal with...I understand the gratitude for families, as I am sure all here do, and it strikes me as very sad that some young people today just don't get the concept. Kameron's mom is one, and it is difficult to understand how she does not see how much her actions (or lack thereof) impact Kameron. I hope that things can work themselves out regarding your husband's not wanting you to take on someone else that needs taking care of. It is difficult to see those we love in need, no matter the need, and not want to jump in and "fix it" not even considering the damage such action may be bringing to our own selves or our own lives. You are in my prayers daily, Leah.

Sus: You do indeed crack me up sometimes. Your humor is good, well-placed and mood-lifting. Your writing is awesome and some of your in-depth but outloud thinking hits many of us at different times and we come to the same conclusion about ourselves as you do about yourself. It is indeed a rough, scary road we are on, and each here provides a little smoothness to an otherwise bumpy difficult road.

Colleen: I am so sorry that you seem to be going down to the depths again...I don't think it is a place that the door is ever shut completely to...it leaves itself open, even if only a crack, for us to fall back through now and again, and we never know how deep we are going to go until we arrive at the bottom. I think that this is a normal part of this road we find ourselves on, and I am so glad that we all have each other to help us find out way back up and to that light again. My heart to you.

Dee: I am so glad that the ceremony was nice. They do one here in Dover, but we did not attend today. Our bones are weary from travel, and it was kind of raw weather here today...something that Ralph needs to avoid. I am glad that you were able to have a day off and find rest in the hours, as well.

By the way, Ralph says thank you to all who have remembered this day as Veteran's Day...he has seen many signs outside of businesses, etc., and it does feel good that people want to honor the time our troops have served. He was never actively involved in the up front stuff, but during his 27 years of Air Force duty, he had many many times when he had to be there to provide support to those who were. I can remember during the Arc Light campaign during Vietnam, when he was stationed at Pease and worked in the assignments for those who went to Guam for six months of B-52 (bombers) duty. There were many times he would come home at midnight or so, after having worked since 6 am or so, grab some food and go right back to work again. He was always stressed when "assignment" time came and he had to be part of the "choosing" process for who would go next for that six month tour. It was always so hard when someone wouldn't come back with their team...some loss was, of course, inevitable, but the inevitability of it did not make it any less painful to be around. Fortunately, many teams came back intact, but those times when one did not, it was heartbreaking. When Kim was 13 months, he went to Thailand for one year. I knew that he would not be in the "front," but every week was like a month, and though we wrote every single day, sometimes it would be a week without a letter, and then 5-6 would arrive at once. We started numbering the envelopes so we would know what to open first! On our way home from Kim's, we stayed overnight at Dover Air Force Base, in Delaware and outside of the hotel he bumped into a couple of guys who were around his age and of the same rank when they retired, and they talked for almost an hour about "how it was then" and compared where they were, when, and for how long, etc. Ralph really seemed to enjoy the camaraderie and so did the other two guys.

Got to go for now, the boys want supper. Will be back later, hopefully to post some pics.

[westleysmom]

Just stopping in for a minute or two. I went to the funeral home for my friend's grandmother who died this week at 92. Our funeral home. On the way, there was a boy walking down the street with a big long shirt on and a white ball cap turned backwards. It took my breath away, he reminded me so much of Westley. I wanted to turn around and go back and look at him for a while, but I didn't. I spent my day off sorting through some pictures, only ones taken "after." I seem to have lost the last year of pictures "before" and don't know where to look. It's probably a blessing in disguise.

Greg-I am certain that I am not who I would be if this hadn't happened. I'm not sure that it matters who I would be, but sometimes I am sad for that loss as well. But I identified so much with your comments. Peace to you as you grapple with it all.

Gotta run to get the grandbaby from day care. Hugs to all

[andy88]

Hello Friends,

I, too, have been very blue lately. I'm so sorry that there is so much sadness in our circle lately. I wish everyone a ray of sunshine. Maybe I'm sad because my cousin became a Grandma today for the first time. Even though I am so very happy for her, it's a harsh reminder that I will never be a Grandma. Maybe it's because today is 9 months since losing Andy...I miss him more than I can possibly put into words. Maybe because it's close to Thanksgiving, Christmas. Maybe because I'm afraid this is as good as it will get. Probably all of the above.

I've decided to sell my house and move to a little bungalow. To be honest, I'm kind of ambivalent because Andy lived here, but on the other hand, this house means sadness to me. Plus I need to have a project. I think Andy would be pleased. He knows how much I like to find new houses, haha! I like to think it will be a fresh start in a house with no sad memories, just the right size for one person, and in a neighborhood we lived in and loved in the past.

I think of you all each and every day, especially in this holiday season. I'm sending you love and glimmers of happiness. Thank you for being there for me. You have made this journey so much more bearable, and I am grateful to you all.

With love,

Pam

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello Friends,

I, too, have been very blue lately. I'm so sorry that there is so much sadness in our circle lately. I wish everyone a ray of sunshine. Maybe I'm sad because my cousin became a Grandma today for the first time. Even though I am so very happy for her, it's a harsh reminder that I will never be a Grandma. Maybe it's because today is 9 months since losing Andy...I miss him more than I can possibly put into words. Maybe because it's close to Thanksgiving, Christmas. Maybe because I'm afraid this is as good as it will get. Probably all of the above.

I've decided to sell my house and move to a little bungalow. To be honest, I'm kind of ambivalent because Andy lived here, but on the other hand, this house means sadness to me. Plus I need to have a project. I think Andy would be pleased. He knows how much I like to find new houses, haha! I like to think it will be a fresh start in a house with no sad memories, just the right size for one person, and in a neighborhood we lived in and loved in the past.

I think of you all each and every day, especially in this holiday season. I'm sending you love and glimmers of happiness. Thank you for being there for me. You have made this journey so much more bearable, and I am grateful to you all.

With love,

Pam

Hi Pam, I am so happy that you are able to make this move. Andy will be there every step of the way encouraging you to be happy. New beginnings and holding Andy close. I too am finding it hard. I have found that my son's friends are moving forward. I have now been asked to attend another wedding. It is so hard to know that Jeff will never have had this opportunity to experience marriage or family. Still, I am very happy for his friends and I would not miss any of their celebrations for anything...as hard as it is. They have been wonderful in including my husband and myself. Life does go on without them like it or not. Life goes on and we must participate. It's up to us how we do it. My faith sustains me and the knowledge that I will see Jeff again. I'm not a particularly religious person, but I am certain that he will be with me again. And because of that I am able to celebrate in his friends happiness. Good luck with your move.!

Kate

[tanmanmymagicman]

Colleen.......I do know that sick feeling is just THAT!!!!!! I wake up to it and fight it at times durning the day! I feel like we are (sister) mothers trying to live on without our(sparkle of life, love, joy, funny, crazy, rapping) boys........! I have a few family worries and then throw in Tanners birthday(his 21st) this month and then the holidays so thats what i atribute this sick feeling to???? (either that or I have finally...... gone insane and am in denial)? ....when people ask me....how I am I just tell them "i am feeling OUT of sorts????? .... Im actually doing better this past week?????.... I do understand how you could feel towards the other boys!!!!!!!!!! Especially if they have no remorse??? the fact that Tanner was driving and his friend that was with him also died......makes me often think how devasted Tanner would of been if he lived and his friend didn t (he would been having a tough time living with it) we would too...... as his parents ...................... DO you still have to see them at times????

I have missed coming here..but am thankful its still here to come back to........ since I have taken THE backwards steps also lately..........My husband told me to ask my couselor how to stop me from being so upset and letting (it ALL) bother me.......I told him (my husband)................ he will tell me to give my worries to GOD:)

Yes Dee, my mobile notary business has been so very successful....... What a blessing its been.....I love my job!!!! I will never forget your suggestion of bagging groceries:) i actually had thought of going to save mart and doing just that:) Glad to see you are still here with your careing HEART!

Cindy Tanner s Mom!!!!

[Guest msnher]

Hi Everyone!

I've written and deleted several posts. They're just ramblings. Me writing about me...analyzing who I was, who I am and how I got here and whether it's good, bad, better or worse. I've decided it just is. I think I like this new me better. I'm not who I once was. I'm not even sure I remember who SHE was. Oops, there I go again, analyzing. Anyway, just sending you all love and light.....

I spent some time with one of my neighbors this afternoon. Her 46 yr old daughter died of cancer last week. She lost her oldest daughter about 20 yrs ago...she was shot and murdered. Her three yr old grandson has a brain tumor. I sat with her while she cried. That's her life. That's our life. We know it doesn't just happen to the other guy. It happens to our neighbors, it happens to our family, it happens to us. We know that a day of fun can turn into a tragedy in an instant. We know "happily ever after" isn't, well, happily ever after. We know children get stolen, our children, we know babies die from looking at a gun, children of all ages get cancer. We know healthy, happy teenagers die suddenly because they're heart stopped. Just stopped because..........We know the devastation of suicide firsthand. We know regret and guilt as few others do. We know.

That's what my neighbor and I kept saying to each other, "I know".

That's what we say to each other here. We know.

We find our footing again, but it's different footing. We are stronger and more vulnerable than ever before. We are the epitome of irony. We are the definition of true contradiction. We know it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. We know we have hope but we are so tired. We have found joy in more simpler pleasures...a walk, a child's laugh, a kitten's play, a little boy's energy, a bird, a deer, a wisecrack, a song. We know it's no longer money, prestige, possessions or prestige that will define who we are or make us happy.

Oops...I STILL did it! Darn it! I hate that about me. I can't seem to help myself. I've thought about getting a bumper sticker that says "Help, I'm talking and I can't shut up!"

I love you all....not because you've suffered tremendously, but because, well, you know.

Greg, I think you're doing great and I think it's okay to not want to do as much as you've been doing. I don't think you're using Brian's death as a crutch...I think Brian is still gone....after all this time. How can that make any one of us feel better? It's okay for you to take a break...you will find your groove again...or your footing again. It might be different footing, but you get to call the shots. In the beginning we tell others not to let anyone tell them how to grieve or how long to grieve. I would think that rule will apply until we're done grieving...and, that will be when we're reunited with our child. Until then we will do the best we can with what we have. We allow hiccups in the beginning of this horrible journey, I would think they're still allowed.

I'm done now.

[lolynbo]

I spent some time with one of my neighbors this afternoon. Her 46 yr old daughter died of cancer last week. She lost her oldest daughter about 20 yrs ago...she was shot and murdered. Her three yr old grandson has a brain tumor. I sat with her while she cried. That's her life.

WOW SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS IT WORSE.

I FOUND OUT THE BOY THAT DIED IN THE WRECK MENT TO KILL HIMSELF. HE HAD HIS PHONE ON SPEAKER FOR HIS GF TO HEAR THE WRECK. HE HAD BEEN DRINKING AND WAS SPEEDING. SO SAD SND NEEDLESS

STILL FEELING BAD MAYBE TOMARROW WILL BE BETTER DAY

[Guest msnher]

Yes, Lorri. Yet, while I sat with her she wanted to compliment ME for doing so well. Working in my garden again, riding bikes with the kids...she's been watching, she just hasn't left her house. That's one of the things "we know" together.

[summergirl]

Greg - well I guess I am joining "funk town" becuz I also find myself in a "funk".....Have to agree with all the respones from those here, such wise people..

Thought today would be a good day as Tavian and I took off and did some shopping together, he was happy as he turned in some of his x-box 360 games he didn't play anymore and made 46.00 so bought 3 new games, went to McDonalds for lunch and then on the way home we were chatting and I told him how proud I was of him for going to bed by himself at night now after 5 years of me laying with him...he replied "I was scared mi-mi", I asked him why (although I knew in my heart the reason) and he said "I thought you would be gone when I woke up like mommy was" and then he started to cry and then I cried !! Although I was glad he finally said it it also made my heart so sad to know he "had to say it"..... I often times think he has forgotten many things about his mommy as he was just 4 but he remembers so much more then I thought....

It was cold and windy today - The change of season, the getting dark early, the Holidays looming do alot to those of us who are on this journey, I used to love the Holidays and I still do with Tavian but if not for him I would not do any of the things I do....I would sleep right through them and you could wake me up when they were over.

Colleen - I do not know how you get those boys out of your head, how you stop thinking about them and feeling as though you want to "hurt" them as you are hurting...(I know you would never actually hurt them !!) I am not in your traveling shoes in that way, I have no one to blame for Jessica being gone....I know I felt guilty as a mother becuz I should have known something, done something, anything but I have come to know that nothing I said or did would change the outcome .... I am so sorry that these boys haunt you and I pray the day comes when your mind can move away from them.

I found this today when I was "cleaning out" some things in my closet and I love the words...

"There are a hundred places where I fear to go - so with her memory they brim. And entering with relief some quiet place where never fell her foot or shone her face I say "There is no memory of her here!" And so stand stricken, so remembering her"

Peace, love and strength my friends, Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Cindy: So good to see your handsome Tanner's face, and to hear from you. Good to hear that your Notary business is doing well. Sorry, though, to hear that things are hitting you hard again, and you are feeling once again that you have taken some steps backward. I do believe, however, that we all do that, no matter how long it has been for us on this road. I hope that things lighten up for you and you are able to bathe your heart in the good memories shared with Tanner.

I do have the pics ready to post and will do that before I try to clean up. We have so much to put away and I don't feel like doing any of it. We also have to finish up the "outside" cleanup before the cold weather. We did a lot of it before we left, but some things were left undone. The freezing temps will be here soon enough, so I'd best be getting some things done.

Some of these pics were taken in Virginia, at Ralph's sister's house, or on the way. The others were taken at Virginia Beach. Our stay there was just awesome. I know that Mke was there with us, as we saw some definite signs of his presence.

the first is a pic taken right out our window, at sunrise

the secondis Kim and I, after we had paddled the "paddle bike" for over two miles on the boardwalk... but it was fun!

and the third is a tribute to all of our angels, who are always with us, no matter where we go...

[Susie_q512]

Pam - Nine months....I can't imagine that amount of time. Praying Andy's spirit will surround you tonight.The bungalow sounds nice. I have often thought of something like that, but I think I'll be staying where I'm at. With my husband's health, finances are always a mess. If we can keep from losing everything before he passes, then I will pay off the house with insurance money and stay put. This is really the only home we have had as a family....too many memories, especially of Shannon, for me to give it up anytime soon. I may have to make a change when I am older, but it looks like this is it for me. As for being a Grandma, I do have another daughter, so it's possible that one day she will have a family, but I am acutely aware that Shannon won't. I'll never be a Grandma to her kids or share in the wonder and joy of that experience. She so wanted to be a Mommy. Breaks my heart.

Rhonda - Sorry to hear about your friend's grandmother. It must have been difficult returning to the funeral home. I've had to go back there once since Shannon was there, and it wasn't easy. The night after Shannon's accident, there was a candle light vigil at the accident scene. It was very dark, and at one point someone in front of me moved and I thought I saw the back of Shannon. Can't describe the feeling that came over me, nor the disappointment and heartache when I realized it was her friend. This girl has the same color hair, was in jeans and a light blue tee-shirt, and had her hair up in a messy bun...same way Shannon was most of the time.

Carol - Glad you made it home safely and had such a good time on your trip. I will miss that spell-checker....those posts were often entertaining. I liked your analogy of this grief being like a door that never completely closes...how true.

Lorri - Glad to hear you got your medicine. Hated to hear about the young man who lost his life in the car accident. My heart goes out to his family and friends. There are so many things that I may never be able to do again...places I may not be able to go to....but that's okay. I do what I can and don't worry about what I can't. Don't really care if others understand.

Kate - Due to my husband's illness, I also wonder if my grief will be delayed to some degree. Not sure that I will have the liberty to grieve until after he passes.

Colleen - How can forgiveness be granted or even attempted at this point in time? The others who were involved in the circumstances which lead to the loss of your son are not showing any remorse or regret. They have no concept of what Brian, you and your family have lost. They are too self absorbed and immature to think of someone other than themselves. It's possible that in time they will understand the truth and magnitude of their actions....maybe then, when the focus is off themselves, they will take responsibility and offer a sincere apology. Until then, there is little chance of forgiveness. Your anger is justified; it has been earned. The real battle may lie in not allowing your anger to turn into hatred. Most people think anger is wrong, but it's not. Anger is a natural emotion that serves a purpose. Hatred is wrong and has the potential to cause much destruction. Always thinking of you and your son.

Jenn - I too recently heard a mom say the same thing. It was on a report or documentary. She said that she had been without her daughter for longer than she had her. I cannot even begin to fathom that amount of time. Wanted to share with you the "Brianna" is my daughter Ragan's middle name. It's a beautiful name.

Dee - Glad you enjoyed the ceremonies today. I thought about doing something like that, but then decided against it.

I have enjoyed the photos shared, but hated to hear of Patrick and his battle with liver cancer. Hoping everyone has a decent night. Today has been better than yesterday, but not good by a long shot.

Goodnight All

[lolynbo]

I so understand the not going to places. Like the fall festival. Even the main bank which is just upstairs from kourtneys Kloset. The very last place kourtney was nov 15 th 2007. If I have a dep to make I have someone do it for me. Just can't do it.

Our new normal

[Jeff's Mom]

Greg...thinking of you tonight and hoping that tomorrow is a slightly brighter day for you. I noticed when I watched the candle vigil that you were using sign language. It was so beautiful. We had a man that worked for us that taught my husband how to sign. I once attended a Christmas play at his brothers school. It was absolutely beautiful and very moving.

Dee...glad you were able to make it to the service. We headed out, but decided to go to Jeff's site instead. It was sad in that it was a very dull and grey day. The lake is now beginning to freeze over and it seemed so lonely and empty there with all the trees bare and the birds gone.At least nobody had played any pranks this time! Punk teens stealing stuff I leave on the garden Heart shaped stones, stuff like that.. We had the bench coated with grafitti coating. That way if anybody sprays it it will wash off easily.

Susan...you are doing so well. I see strength in your messages as you are posting these last few days! Always thinking of you and your family. Make sure you are eating ok and looking after your own health too!

Susannah...you are so right. We don't have to look very far to see others going through difficulties. I have never actually known anyone lose a family member or friend to violence. Another unimaginable heartache. In the past few years I have nursed six family members through terminal illness. Each and every one was difficult but nothing prepared me for the loss of my son. This is a totally different level of grief. People do not get it. Try as they may it is unlike anything else. We learn to keep going and grab good days as they come. I know I am not the same person I was two years ago.

Well, wishing everyone a better day tomorrow.

Kate

[mysonrich]

Susan, thanks for mentioning Patrick. My brother was working for a military contractor , stationed in the United Arab Emirates when my brothers wife told me they were off to Children s Hospital of Philadelphia. After months of telling Pat's Dr that something was wrong other then the flu/cold, what have you, they ran a blood test. I picked up Sarah and Rich and met my sil at CHOP. We were all there when the news was delivered. My brother was on a transport plane trying to get back as fast as he could. Before Pat died he told his mom(step-mom) that a man was standing by his bed dressed in robes. He was not upset about this. The day Pat died and I had to tell my kids that Pat died at home,the only thing Rich would say is,” he did not,he did not,he did not”. Years later ,not able to get to the cemetery on Pats birthday I called Rich and asked him to go. I must say its rather difficult to give directions to a grave,in a graveyard. He found Pat and later called to tell me my directions were not good!! Brother and I were talking the other night, we all always go back a few steps. Thanks for listening.

I love looking at Shannon's picture. She is absolutely beautiful and her little dog is cute too. If I sign on and don't see her big,beautiful smile, I'll probably think I'm on the wrong site!

Cindy, its good to see that you business is doing well. A little story of how our children here at BI become part of my memory now. While talking to a man at work I repeatedly called him Tanner. This went on for a couple of days until one day he placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “ Its Tan. My name is Tan” . Well, I knew where I got the name Tanner from! He is remembered.

Greg, I forget sometimes that people here really don't know me. I joke around a lot and I believe its my way of functioning,but here, you can not see the twinkle in my eyes or the grin to know when I am joking. In all seriousness, I understand what you are saying. I have been afraid to mention this out loud to anyone but there have been times lately when I am so distracted to making mistakes at work and smaller things, forgetting where I just placed my sunglasses. I was wondering if I had the early stages of Alzheimer’s or something. Is it as Dee said, we will never know how we would have aged , we will never know exactly what is a result of trauma to our hearts,minds,souls,brains,bodies. I don't think in your case that you are using Brian’s death as a crutch either. It is what we have become. In my case,after now just voicing my fears here I will bring this up with my Dr. the thing is, in one job I have I mess up, in the other I am on top of my game. Maybe its just the stress factors are different. Maybe a trip to the doctor for you too? In any case, I wanted to thank you for being here. For sharing Brian, his daughter, your fishing videos. And even if you don't like The Boss, I think you are a great person. ( I'm grinning Greg,there is a twinkle in my eyes)

Carol, welcome home. I love the pictures. You have such a great eye for capturing the essence o your days.

Indigo’s, I bow to you all for having the courage to come to this site, to guide,to cry,to share,to get mad,to understand.

[crystalann]

Well it has been a rocky road since I last posted.I did see the D A. I took things that said who Tyler was.All the things I brought made him cry.So glad thats done.

I also went to the court and got a T P O on my husband.Now we can be at home in peace for a bit.He was just arrested yesterday on a 12 year old warrent.Very strange he has had many tickets and it has never come up.But for some odd reason he was pulled over at one in the morning on 11-11-11. It was from him getting drunk and trying to attack my mom amd breaking her storm door and DUI.

I think my mom was trying to teach him a leson.

My friend Michele has now gone to be with Tyler. Her service is today, I spent time with her before she passed and watched her kids take such good care of her while her husband did nothing.They have had to do it all the arrangements. They even had to go back and forth with papers for him to sign.Makes me so angry. Now he doesnt want her family there any more. Her son asked me last night if the family can come here after.Of course!

I told her before she passed. If you take care of mine I will take care of yours.She had a big smile with tears.

Today will be hard but I can do it!

I have also eaten three meals aday for the last four days! Yay!

I think of you all everyday.You all have become my rock! Thank you!

Love and hugs,Crystal

[andy88]

Pam - Nine months....I can't imagine that amount of time. Praying Andy's spirit will surround you tonight.The bungalow sounds nice. I have often thought of something like that, but I think I'll be staying where I'm at. With my husband's health, finances are always a mess. If we can keep from losing everything before he passes, then I will pay off the house with insurance money and stay put. This is really the only home we have had as a family....too many memories, especially of Shannon, for me to give it up anytime soon. I may have to make a change when I am older, but it looks like this is it for me. As for being a Grandma, I do have another daughter, so it's possible that one day she will have a family, but I am acutely aware that Shannon won't. I'll never be a Grandma to her kids or share in the wonder and joy of that experience. She so wanted to be a Mommy. Breaks my heart.

Rhonda - Sorry to hear about your friend's grandmother. It must have been difficult returning to the funeral home. I've had to go back there once since Shannon was there, and it wasn't easy. The night after Shannon's accident, there was a candle light vigil at the accident scene. It was very dark, and at one point someone in front of me moved and I thought I saw the back of Shannon. Can't describe the feeling that came over me, nor the disappointment and heartache when I realized it was her friend. This girl has the same color hair, was in jeans and a light blue tee-shirt, and had her hair up in a messy bun...same way Shannon was most of the time.

Carol - Glad you made it home safely and had such a good time on your trip. I will miss that spell-checker....those posts were often entertaining. I liked your analogy of this grief being like a door that never completely closes...how true.

Lorri - Glad to hear you got your medicine. Hated to hear about the young man who lost his life in the car accident. My heart goes out to his family and friends. There are so many things that I may never be able to do again...places I may not be able to go to....but that's okay. I do what I can and don't worry about what I can't. Don't really care if others understand.

Kate - Due to my husband's illness, I also wonder if my grief will be delayed to some degree. Not sure that I will have the liberty to grieve until after he passes.

Colleen - How can forgiveness be granted or even attempted at this point in time? The others who were involved in the circumstances which lead to the loss of your son are not showing any remorse or regret. They have no concept of what Brian, you and your family have lost. They are too self absorbed and immature to think of someone other than themselves. It's possible that in time they will understand the truth and magnitude of their actions....maybe then, when the focus is off themselves, they will take responsibility and offer a sincere apology. Until then, there is little chance of forgiveness. Your anger is justified; it has been earned. The real battle may lie in not allowing your anger to turn into hatred. Most people think anger is wrong, but it's not. Anger is a natural emotion that serves a purpose. Hatred is wrong and has the potential to cause much destruction. Always thinking of you and your son.

Jenn - I too recently heard a mom say the same thing. It was on a report or documentary. She said that she had been without her daughter for longer than she had her. I cannot even begin to fathom that amount of time. Wanted to share with you the "Brianna" is my daughter Ragan's middle name. It's a beautiful name.

Dee - Glad you enjoyed the ceremonies today. I thought about doing something like that, but then decided against it.

I have enjoyed the photos shared, but hated to hear of Patrick and his battle with liver cancer. Hoping everyone has a decent night. Today has been better than yesterday, but not good by a long shot.

Goodnight All

Gosh, Shannon is such a pretty girl! I love this picture!

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's,

Betsy, I'm glad you mentioned what Dee said because I totally missed her post. I also missed the post about your nephew. I got choked up reading Rich's response to his passing.

Carol, your Kimmy favors her mother! Love the picture. Love the writing in the sand for all our angels. Forever thoughtful, that's you.

Colleen, you and I have discussed forgiveness many times. Sometimes you helping me through the sudden rush of hate for my grandchildren's perpetrators. "Resentment is like taking poison waiting for the other person to die." I am capable of holding a grudge against someone for slighting me 30 years ago let alone someone who caused so much real damage and pain. Some days I do better at this forgiving thing than others. You're a good woman, my friend. This time of year is always difficult for you...for us...please be gentle with yourself.

Crystal, what does T P O stand for? I'm so sorry for the passing of your friend, Michele. And, for all you're going through. When does the trial begin, do you know?

[briansdad]

Greg...thinking of you tonight and hoping that tomorrow is a slightly brighter day for you. I noticed when I watched the candle vigil that you were using sign language. It was so beautiful. We had a man that worked for us that taught my husband how to sign. I once attended a Christmas play at his brothers school. It was absolutely beautiful and very moving.

Kate,

That's not me signing. He's a dear friend I've met on this jouney. His name is Mitch Carmody.

Greg

[ericasmom]

Susannah, TPO I believe is a temporary order of protection. And Crystal, good for you getting that. Call the police and ask them to once in a while drive by your home to let the husband know that you mean business. I am so sorry Crystal that your friend died but so glad that you were able to let her know that you will be here for her kids, just as she will be with your sweet Angel, Tyler. We will always be Moms and Dads and sometimes taking that role on with others gives our heart and spirit a bigger reason to stay healthy and strong. I am very happy to hear that you are able to eat and feel good about it. HOORAY!

Greg, how are you today?

Betsy, Jonathan reacted the same way when the ICU Doctor said that Eri would die, He screamed over and over again as he knocked his own head against the wall, " NO SHE WON"T, NO SHE WON"T," and his Daddy sat there with his face in a scream with no words coming out. I knew that we had been delivered to hell in that moment and climbing out from it has been very hard but also has been what I do believe makes ERica shine. She needs us to stand where she isn't able and live our best lives. It is tricky, what works some months might not work other months, we need to take very good care of ourselves in all of this ache.

Betsy, the forgetting I do believe has an awful lot to do with our ages, not old but there is wear and tear on our semi-old selves. My friends that have not suffered a loss also are going through similar forgetfulness and lack of focus as me.

[ericasmom]

CAROL welcome home and thank you for the delightful photos, thank you for our Angels on the beach.

[Susie_q512]

I've caught up on all the posts now. What an amazing group of folks here. So glad that I found my way here. I have grown to care for each of you and hold you all very close to my heart...Think of your angels daily.

Crystal - Sorry to hear of your friend's passing, but so happy that she left this world knowing that you will watch over her kids. I am sure she gave your boy a big hug from you upon her arrival. Also glad you are eating...four days in a row!!! That's wonderful news.

There is much I need to "try" to accomplish today...we'll see how that goes

p.s. Still no reply back on how to downsize Shannon's pic....until then, she'll be coming through on this very large

scale.

Also wanted to mention that there is a mother who has posted in the general Loss of a Child forum. Her child was

harmed by a relative....very terrible circumstances....he suffered tremendously....maybe some of you could reach out to her??? Can't imagine being in her shoes. Her post is "without my boy or son or child"...should be easy to find.

[Chads Mom]

I have been feeling really overwhelmed and sad… My son Cameron was in a car accident on 11-11-11. A lady ran a red light and ran into the side of his car while he was on his way home from the graveyard shift at the hospital. I am very glad he was not hurt to badly just bruised ribs, neck, and back. When he called he was pretty upset and when I got off the phone my hearing started buzzing and everything went all fuzzy around the edges just my blood pressure soaring I guess. The car on the other hand might be totaled and he just paid it off 20 days ago. I keep telling him the car can be replaced and that I am glad he is okay but try to tell a 22 year old that???

I have been reluctant to post to much lately it’s just makes me cry so much.. In a way I know it’s therapeutic but some days it’s hard to feel it in my face ready to slap me so brutally. Reading it seems many of us are feeling poorly and for that I am so sorry pretty sure it’s just the time of year that makes it worse than usual. In the beginning I used to tell others and myself “I just need to get a grip” but I have found that just doesn’t work. Today I just don’t care… Maybe tomorrow I will.

Sorry for the rambling feeling kind of disconnected today…

Peace and Love Indigo’s

Polly-Chad’s Mom