Loss of an Adult Child

[bus1851]

Hello everyone,

My heart has been so heavy lately. Every turn I take brings emotions, memories and sad thoughts. Tomorrow will be 4 months since I lost my baby Marley. I miss her so much, I cry all the time. I am not myself anymore and I can't find happiness anywhere. My therapist says I have situational depression.? My doctor says medicine will help but not solve my problem. Only time will provide relief. I wish time would speed up so I can feel like my old self again. My coworkers don't know how to approach me so they just stay quite mostly...I don't blame them. I only have 1 or 2 word answers to questions, where before I was the chatter box. I miss my baby, I miss my life. Daddy loves you Marley.

CJ

[lolynbo]

DEE SORRY I MISSED ERIS DAY.....I WAS OUT OF IT...STILL AM...

I PRAY YOU AND HER HAD NICE SNUGGLE TIME AND THOUGHTS TOGETHER

[daveydow1]

E.J. ........E.J.......E.J..........SAYING YOUR NAME, AND REMEMBERING.

Greg----Thanks for the beautiful picture for ANGELS WHISPERING......also, forgot to say that I loved

the video of Alyssa singing. So sweet. Such a pretty little lady.

Betty----Thanks for looking at Davey's pic when he marched in the Bicentennial Parade. I didn't think to

scroll over to show the complete pic......( in a hurry, I guess ).

Dan-----Lovely greeting with the pink rose for ERI. So perfect for the angle ERZ, who loves the color PINK.

Bonnie----Oh,....congrats on the little 10 mo.-old girl coming to you and your husband. Wishing you good luck.

Leah-----Sorry to hear your mom is not feeling up to par, and hoping she will feel better soon. I hope & pray that

your daughter's ex stays away from you & your family....including your daughter. Peace & prayers, friend.

Sus----Thinking of you as the days are leading up to Stephanie's angel day. Hoping that sweet memories of

her will give you some peace and tranquility.

Betsy----Have a safe trip. Will be thinking of you.

Dee----Thanks for the UTube song. Bittersweet words for sure.

Lorri----Take care of yourself, and hope you'll be feeling better soon.

C J------Sending thoughts & prayers.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

EJ...EJ...EJ... saying your name, always holding you dear, please surround your mom with your sweet spirit this day, and let her know you are near.

Dawn: on these two days...the day your wonderful son came into your life, and the day that he left it, your heart will always be centered on...I hope you are able to center on his birth more now, as time goes by, and on the wonderful years that you had with him.

[mikesmomrs]

Hey everybody: just coming on to say hello and "check in." It has been a busy couple of days, myself not feeling up to par, and then Ralph seeming to be taken over by the same thing...just a 24 hour thing for him, but I have been kind of out of it most of the week...my doctor changed my heart medicine and it did a tune on me somewhat. I think I am getting used to it now, as I am feeling better.

Speaking of feeling better, Susannah...I do hope your broken rib is easing up on you...I have never had one, thankfully, but I have heard they are very painful, especially if you need to cough. I read of your plans for Stephanie's ashes...and how Curtis has told you he doesn't want them...our Kim had a similar situation, except hers was that with the work she does she was afraid she would lose it and so we got her a glass dome with a hook hanging in it...very small, about 5-6 inches high, and there is a hook inside the top of the dome and she hangs the cylinder with some of Mike's ashes there. Just a thought... Mike was able to tell us that he wanted some of his ashes put into "keepsake" urns for his family. We each have one, as well as one for each of his boys, and Sarah, of course. It was a very tough thing to do, but it was his wish. Since then, we've been able to spread some of his ashes in some of his favorite places, sometimes with his boys present, sometimes not.

Betsy: Do have a good trip to the city and you and Sarah have fun getting her settled in. How exciting for her! I send my best wishes to her!

Betty: I didn't reply to your post the other day, when you said "Carol, how about that Jeter?" Yes, how about that! He seems like such a nice guy, and of course his only problem is that he is a Yankee... , but his accomplishment was pretty awesome! I am glad that you were able to spread some of Stephen's ashes in some of his favorite places. Something none of us ever thought of having to do, but this is our life...dong things we never dreamed of, doing things we'd rather not have to do, but thankfully, eventually find the strength for, to honor our child.

Dee: Was of course thinking of you today and wishing I could be there at Eri-fest! Did Colleen come this year? It seems you had beautiful weather, though hot, but as you said, better than rain! Thank you for sharing the beautiful song. When I am feeling down about Mike's not being here and how his life stopped, I try to remember that he, indeed, always saw "The Whole of the Moon." That is how he lived his life, thankfully.

Lorri: I do hope you are up and about soon...you need to show off your improvements! Of course, from what I've seen in pics, I didn't see any room for improvement, but if that is what you want, then go for it, I say. I am afraid if I went for something like a "tummy tuck," they would likely say "Tummy tuck?!?! Tummy!?!?! Where is this "tummy" you speak of?!?!?" I think i passed the description of having a "tummy" a loooong time ago!

CJ: I am so very sorry that you are having to walk this journey. Your precious Marley is always with you, but we totally understand that we don't just want them to be with us spiritually, we want them in front of us, so that we can hold them, love them...my heart goes out to you on this early part of this journey.

Leah: I am glad that you are putting your foot down about your daughter's ex...I pray he just stays away from you all. I am glad that your other granddaughter is staying with you...I am sure even in her youth, she sees you as a haven in a stormy life.

Bonnie: Speaking of "havens," your little one has certainly found a wonderful one with you and Rich...two wonderful people, so perfect for this challenge...this sweet child will absorb your love and will flourish.

Sherry: The pic of Davey holding the flag...how cute! Mike entered a July 4th parade, I think it was in 1985, just before we left for italy. He decorated his bike in just about anything red white and blue that he could find, including the straw hat with the banner around it! We did have a pic, but I haven't seen it in years. I am so glad that you have a picture of this wonderful memory. I noticed that it is starting to show age, and I copied it and "restored" it for you, so it doesn't fade any more. I will send it to you, if I can figure out how to attach a pic to a message from BI. We have so many colored pics of the kids that have "reddened" up over the years, and I have been able to restore some, but have a lot to go. Some I've had to turn into black and white so they could be seen more clearly.

Trudi: When you finish your "clutter clear out" you are more than welcome to come tackle mine! I was looking for something in our linen closet the other day and noticed I have blankets on three different shelves..."why?" I asked myself...why not all together? I murmured "someday" to myself and walked away. I love the pic of the kids...and you right there in the back of them, loving them all!

Rhonda: Thinking of you, holding you near. How is CJ (I can't recall if that is his name...though I am pretty sure) doing? I think the last you spoke of him, he was working for your husband. A great thing for your husband to do, I do hope it is working out.

It has been really hot here ...today in the 90's til early evening, and more of the same tomorrow. Cathi's Jamie is away at camp with his dad, so she and I might attempt to go to the beach for a bit tomorrow. I will have to get some extra strong sun screen...these meds I am on multiply the effect of the sun, so caution is necessary. I am glad it now comes in a spray.

Ralph and I went out for a hamburger tonight for supper, and on the way home, I was looking at the people walking on the sidewalks as we passed through town...we had to go by a few of Mike's favorite haunts...places he loved to go, especially in summer. The summer air just brought so much back to me, my heart was overcome and tears were not very far. Mike LOVED summer and it loved him...he truly suffered from seasonal affective disorder, though of course, it was a while before we knew what it was. Some winters it was almost like he just shut down and went on auto pilot. Then summer would come, and like the fields, he would blossom and shine. Mike, I know you are truly shining now, and the season doesn't matter...I just wish I could bask in your light. I love you so much and miss you so very, very much...

to all my indigo family, I send my heart and my prayers to you all...

[ericasmom]

Lorri, no worries whatsoever, I did not ask how you are feeling? Are you home and resting now? You just rest until the doc says otherwise.

You too Sus, a broken rib hurts big time, so just rest.

Carol, so sorry that you were feeling poorly adn Ralph a bit too. The feeling is that after so much rain around here in the early spring that there is far more allergens roaming around and many folks are getting secondary infections from the sinus issues presented by the allergens. I was feeling out of sorts for about three days last week, tired beyond belief, sore ear, and dizzy. Please take good care of yourself, don't push it Carol.

ERI-fest is all wrapped up for the year. It was a beautiful party, very much fun and yes Carol, the weather was fine. We were hot but it starts at 3:00 so it is beginning to get shady in our yard at that time. I made cucumber olive and feta salad, (greek) French potato salad, Itallian Caprese Salad, (tomatoes basil and fresh mozzerella) and a huge fruit salad. We served Italian beef sandwiches, and other folks brought some side dishes that were delicious and got eaten up. We had a keg and plenty of wine and water and juice. People brought brownies and cookies and cupcakes and cake. I did not bake this time, enough to do.

It was a lovely time and we had our balloon launch to the Bob Marley music that Eri loved, Three Bird. The kids wrote messages on the little notes and away they flew.

I am beat, but stayed up till the kitchen was clean. We will clean up the outside tomorrow. Everyone was gone by 11:00.

It is now imperative that I go to bed. Love to All.

[mikesmum]

Dee ~ Oh yes, the words, the music...another underscore. The only way to soothe my aching heart and appease my confused mind is to think of Micheal as described in the words of this song.

Glad Erifest went well....maybe next year I will find my way to your 'celebration'.

Carol - Oh yes, I have a multitude of sheets yet can never find the size needed. So with my trusty marker I labelled the sheets, put them on the SAME shelf! I rattled through cupboards and marvelled at what I had and the enevitable WHY DO I HAVE THIS??

Betsy - I remember the day Mike died, I phoned Lauren to tell her. She called back that night and said I can't believe it, I watched the news and there was no story on Micheal Hendrie dying today....I wish it was that simple. I loved the story of a Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I hope Sarah settles in and you enjoy visiting the big Apple.

Marley's dad ~ I miss my baby, I miss my life. Never truer words were spoken.

During our visit with grandies Zak came down with a 24hr bug. He kindly passed it to Mal and in turn he passed it to me. After working the decluttering detail I fell into bed around 5.30pm and spent the night between the bathroom and bed.

This morning Steven called. The market near his home was on today and yes Harmony was there with her mum. I couldn't raise my head let alone be away from the bathroom for more than a minute. He told me not to worry, that she would be there next month.

[mikesmum]

When I wonder where Mike might be I think of thesse lyrics. Thanks Dee, I most definitely see Eri, she saw the whole of the moon.

I pictured a rainbow

you held in your hands

I had flashes

but you saw then plan

I wondered out in the world for years

while you just stayed in your room

I saw the crescent

you saw the whole of the moon!

The whole of the moon!

You were there at the turnstiles

with the wind at your heels

You stretched for the stars

and you know how it feels

To reach too high

too far

Too soon

you saw the whole of the moon!

I was grounded

while you filled the skies

I was dumbfounded by truths

you cut through lies

I saw the rain-dirty valley

you saw Brigadoon

I saw the crescent

you saw the whole of the moon!

I spoke about wings

you just flew

I wondered, I guessed, and I tried

you just knew

I sighed

but you swooned

I saw the crescent

you saw the whole of the moon!

The whole of the moon!

With a torch in your pocket

and the wind at your heels

You climbed on the ladder

and you know how it feels

To reach too high

too far

Too soon

you saw the whole of the moon!

The whole of the moon!

Unicorns and cannonballs,

palaces and piers,

Trumpets, towers, and tenamets,

wide oceans full of tears,

Flag, rags, ferry boats,

scimitars and scarves,

Every precious dream and vision

underneath the stars

You climbed on the ladder

with the wind in your sails

You came like a comet

blazing your trail

Too high

too far

Too soon

you saw the whole of the moon!

[lolynbo]

IM PRETTY TUFF OL BIRD BUT OMG...IM HURTING....I HAD ABOUT 2 INCHES PULLED UP FROM THE TOP OF MY BELLY TO UNDER MY BOOBS....IM DYING I ASKED MONTY TO JUST SHOOT ME, IF I EVER THINK ABOUT EVEN GETTN A NIP YAL KICK MY ASS.....I TRUELY FEEL OK EXCEPT FOR THE LEFT SIDE....I THINK MY GUTS FEEL OUT (THEY DIDNT BUT).....

I TOLD MONTY...HE GOT RID OF THAT UGLY STRETCH MARK I HATED.....HE SAID I NEVER NOTICED.....WHAT A GUY...

THINKING OF YAL....LORTAB OUT

LOL "WHERES THIS TUMMY U SPEAK OF" FUNNY STUFF GIRL

[shorty16]

Lorri

We, as women, notice all our stretch-marks, sags, blemishes, and "big" parts. But our husbands see us as the person they love. We, on beyond indigo, see you as the person we love. We do not see those "bad-spots" that you see.

I wish you a speedy recovery. Remember, we have survived the worst thing that could ever happen to us, the loss of a child. All other pains pale in comparison.

You are beautiful!!!

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Carol------I so know what you mean about going into the areas that Mike liked, and the tears that just

follow. The memories can be sweet, but often overpower us, and then we cry. My husband & I

recently went to the small town where we used to live, and where Dave went to High School, and

grew up. Sometimes, I get the dumb idea that maybe I will feel 'good' if I visit the place where he

grew up and made friends etc....., but like the other day, it has just the opposite effect, and I feel so

down. I was very near tears when we drove out of the town. Seeing how there has been changes

that Dave will never see......some closed- up stores he used to go to etc. Well, I know that you know

just what I mean. Oh, thanks for the work you did on Davey's photo with flag..... at the Bicentennial

parade. Many of the older photos that I have....( in the 70's ) need 'fixed'. I do have PHOTOSHOP

software on my computer, but Yikes !! Some of it is complicated. I do hope that someday, you will

run across the pic of Mike in the parade with his bike all decked out with red, white, and blue. Hope

you and Ralph will be feeling better very soon.

Dee----Wow....the ERI FEST must have been a big success. You had such an "International" menu of

foods......sounds just Yummy., and plenty of drinks and desserts to round it out. The balloon launch

was so nice with Bob Marley music. Perfect for an lovely outdoor gathering. You are so good at

planning things like this. I've never had the nerve to have much more that a weiner roast, really.

Betty------So nice that you spread some of Stephen's ashes around at some of his favorite places. I

understand that it could never be easy though. Thinking of you today, friend.

Trudi---Thanks for the words to the song "Whole of the Moom". They are so true & bittersweet. I hope

that you and everyone will get rid of the 'bug' very soon.

Lorri----Just rest & take good care of yourself. Surgery is never any fun, of course, but in time, you will

feel like your old self. Sending prayers, friend.

Colleen----You said it so well......we at BI have survived the worst thing that can ever happen to a parent---

the loss of a beloved child. How we survived ???? Many would wonder how we did it......we, ourselves,

wonder how we survived. But, we're still on the bumpy road, and with the help and understanding of all

the people here, we keep on going whether we feel 'up to it' or not, right ??

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[shorty16]

Dee

There was no question in my mind whether Erifest would be a sucess or not. Also, Bob Marley's Three Birds is also Brian's song. Brian just loved life, he was just happy and wanted to be a teenager forever.

The food sounds great. I am sure it was mostly gone. Did the banners arrive on time for you to fly them? Also love the balloon idea. We did that for Brian's First angelversary. We also wrote names of angels on this site on the balloons and set them free.

My comapny picnic was boring, so next year is Erifest!!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Hey tough-old-bird, tough or not, surgery is a shock to the whole system, so be good to your new-improved self. Hell, thee stretch mark you hated...let me count the lines on me. After Jon, 42 lbs. later, I had many stretch marks, but after ERz, 60 lbs later, I was a giant stretch mark with a name. hydrate!

So now the whole midwest is under this impossibly hot wave for many days they are predicting. I am glad to be inside and just laying low. Happy we had our day yesterday adn not today as today is nearing 98 with 98 percent humidity. ICK!

Sherry, we were very lucky with the weather and yes, the food was good, many poeple brought other kinds of salasds as well, tuna shell salad, tortellini spinach salad, oh so many, and it all got eaten but we have some beef left over which we tend to want as husband can feast on Italian beef sandwiches for a few days without me complaining about his diet...got to eat the leftovers honey, and after all he did for the last several weeks to ready our yard and to make yesterday go smoothly including cleaning up every bottle and can from last evening...well I have to give the Sweetie some leeway. Jonathan will more than likely come over and join in on a beef sandwich today before he goes sunset fishing with his buddies. He loves to fish, always has.

Col, you are always welcome to ERI-fest, as you all are, but did not hang the pennants this year. I hope nobody minds, I love them too, but my little great nephew had a hard time with them last year, made him fret the whole day about each angels story, so I thought at the last minute to not hang them. I will however send them on to Bonnie for Pinnacle Days and anyone else who may need them first. I love our flags, love them, but sometimes I have to think of the ages that are here.

Trudi, I am so glad that you too love that song and that you posted the words. I played it again this morning and wept again. I know that the words must hit us all so square in the heart, too high, too far, too soon, you saw the whole of the moon.I am sure that Stephen calling you was a call to your heart too, but your body needed to be in bed and thankfully you followed it. Next month Trud, you can wear a disguise if need be and catch Harmony's beauty from the stand you can carve out....Oh how I wish I could go with you and help you through that one.

I sure know what Sherry means when she says that after going somewhere she thinks might be good for the soul ends up making you ache. I sure get that . In some ways Sherry, I think we are meant to go there to help ourselves further our pursuits, but the ache is real and we need to take care of that as well. I know that today and last night I felt like sobbing for all the stories of ERz, and the photos the kids wanted to go through, but also because so many of her cousins, the little ones she never met on this plane were here growing up and being wonderfully fun, and she must have been laughing and smiling and making comments, but I did not get to see her, hear her, and I miss her each day.

[daveydow1]

Dee--- I understand your decision not to put up the banners, due to the little ones fretting

about the stories at last year's ERI Fest.......must make them sad too. So good of your

husband to be so much help & support for the fest. It takes a lot of planning to pull off

something like that......food, drinks, and all......and also the big job of cleaning up afterwards.

I so know what you mean about wanting to cry after the ERI Fest was over. I think we can

get caught up in the moment & excitement sometimes, and then end up with a rather empty

feeling when it's all over. Yep.....it's hot here too......(we don't have A/C , but I escape to the

basement family room......a nice steady 67 degrees ). I know that we here in OHIO are lucky

that we are not living in Ariz., Texas, Okla., and the Southwest where it's in the 100's. We could use

rain, of course. Maybe Monday, the weatherman says.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mysonrich]

Back home and my feet are killing me.

Dee, sounds like a wonderful time with cherished friends,family, good food and happy memories, sad heart but also a joyous celebration of Erica's life.

Sherry and Carol, I ride by Rich's Vo-tech school often. Its with a weary heart and I try to remember the great time he had there and his teacher, Mr Nash. When Rich graduated from vo-tech, up on stage Mr Nash got the biggest hug from Rich. He meant a great deal to him.Rich graduated with a cert in automotive technology, won at the state competition, made it to a regional competition. My poor boy came down with a terrible headache the night before. Nerves. He did ok, he told me he over-thought on a timing belt and took too long. He was so hard on himself. I told him that he should be honored by the opportunity and proud that he was chosen and gave all that he had.

I must say that I feel much better after seeing where Sarah lives and enjoying a great night and day exploring. The ride there did not send me into a anxious traveler. Maybe because I wasn't alone driving but the nerves were settled.

You may know that Sarah now drives Rich's car. When I would ride with Rich I had the hardest time with the seat belt. What A struggle, it always got stuck . Rich, being a fussy person with his cars would say, “ easy mom. Don’t' tug on it” as I abuse the seat belt. On the way to NY, it did the same thing and when I did get it latched it tightened up to the point where I was fastened in, not able to move a half inch. Sarah said it never happens to anyone else. I told her , “ its Rich”!!!

A couple pic's and off to bed.

silly Sarah

we looked up and saw SUN written across the sky. If there were more, and I'm sure there was, we could not see it.

Court yard at jher frontdoor. smelled beautiful.

taken while aboard NY water taxi.

I looked down and there he was. There is a tree right above but it was blocked by USPS truck.

Eri- Fest EVE NYC style

[ericasmom]

Sherry, thanks for your understanding. I am so in awe really of our flags, I love looking at them, I loved making our Eri flag but the little ones know what ERI-fest is and so we deal with the subject of death with them and don't want to over-do. When little Michael, 9 years old was writing a note to Eri, he said I miss you even though I don't remember you. I hope that you love heaven. The littler ones, Nayeli and Anna wrote Hi ERICA, we are your cousins. My heart is in one moment is weeping and so full of joy.So Sherry, how does your basement stay at 67 degrees without air conditioning? It was beastly out today, and the air quality was very poor. I had a hard time getting a good full breath. I went for a walk, a slow two miles this evening after dinner. It was more manageable then, but tomorrow should be even more so.

I just counted the money that was collected in the ERI-Fest box, (pink) and once again am made to cry through the very generous gifts from the folks that were here. $1226.00 will be added to the Erica Reith fund tomorrow when I deposit it in the bank near school. WOW!

[ericasmom]

Betsy, we posted at the same time, so I need to say thanks so much for the ERi-eve photo, how wonderful to have seen pink wisps and reflections and to bring it here as gift, thanks so much. I love the photo of Sarah being silly. She has a beautiful smile, welcoming to all that see her I am sure. Her students will be calmed immediately by her happy face. I am glad that you are feeling more at ease with her decision to move and in her choice of apartment. It looks as though you two had a lot of fun exploring the city. I love the thought of you and Betty grabbing a bagel together one day. Cheers to Sarah for embracing her change, and to her Mom for helping her feel supported. and to Rich who watches over them both and gets Mom stuck in the seatbelts.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Dear Betsy I am so glad you enjoyed your trip to the City. Sarah looks beautiful I loved the color and design of her top, . Your pictures were lovely and it appears that you enjoyed your trip. That water taxi trip is a great bargain and adventure. Loved all your pictures. Hope we do connect when Sarah becomes a New Yorker and is settled. Rich was certainly with you-- playing tricks with the seat belt . Very special I too wish Sarah a beautiful successful experience in her new life path.Best Wishes to you both

Dee I do understand about the flags I too remember how very important it was to finish Stephen's by Pinnacle Day. In fact I made an extra one so I have it in his room and can remember. So glad that everyone was so very generous with their donations I know the little ones who benefit from this event is served with such love.

Lori please take care Must get a new bathing suit and take a picture!!!

I am Going to Atlantic City to gamble, relax by a pool, see some shows and eat of coarse. I think the weather will hold. I believe I will have a good time.

Sherry it is wonderful that your game room stays so cool. Nice to have an escape to retreat to. I do undersstand visiting places from the past and the pain. i still have a hard time at my sisters home and cannot go to the house, or town where Stephen lived as an adult. It is still too painful.

When I thought about how we parents do it after the loss of our child, BI was a major factor in my being willing to venture into a new, undesired life. I went in with anger, sadness and took small steps to have "fun". It was hard and two steps forward and one back but with he encouragement I found here I did not give up and kept on going. It will never be the same but I am healing with a deep sadness that lives within me. Thanks to you Sherry , Dee, Colleen, Sus and all Indigos.

[westleysmom]

I have been inside my head for a few days and couldn't get up the energy to post. It is hot and getting hotter here, I hope you all are staying cool.

Lorri-Keep those Lortabs coming until you feel much better. I'm sure you will find it was worth it when you get to feeling better.

Dee-Eri-Fest sounds like a wonderful success. I completely understand about the banners around the little ones. I think my niece and nephew (10 and 14) would be disturbed by them too. But of course, we try to see the life and not the death that they represent, and even as adults, it is so very hard to do sometimes.

Betty-I hope you have a good time in Atlantic City.

Betsy-Sarah is a brave girl and I'm sure you're so proud of her. Great pictures.

Trudi-And the pictures of your good time with your grandies was great. I hope you get to see Harmony soon, even if you have to go all Mata Hari to do it.

Sherry-It makes me sad sometimes too when I ride in the country at night. Westley was not one to go run around town, he liked to stay out in the country where we live, and when I ride at night alone, I always end up in tears. I just look around and wonder how come he's not here with me, or somewhere in this beautiful country?

Susannah-I hope your rib heals soon. But having an excuse to read in bed is good too. Nobody has to know exactly when your rib feels better, but you.

Carol-CJ is doing pretty well, he's still living with his sister and her family right now. He had a meeting with probation officer last Friday that my husband took him to, since it was after work time. I had told him I would take him, but my husband said he would since they were already on that side of town. We are trying to help him save money to pay his court fees and all. He has 3 years to pay a pretty big sum of money back, but I told him if he would just do it a little at the time, he could do it. I hope he sticks with it. I hope you get the meds straightened out soon.

Bonnie-You are such a blessing to this little girl, I hope that all is going well.

Leah, CJ, Tony, Dan, Greg, Colleen, Amy, Karen, hoping that you all are doing okay and have a sweet memory of your angel today.

[rlolheiser]

Just wanted to let all know that I am thinking of you. I fear my computer has seen better days.. I have such a time getting online muchless the writing .. some of the keys don't work any longer and I have to do things the long way and then it makes me crash and lose things.. (I know .. complaints)

Susannah, sure hope those ribs start healing faster.. can't imagine all you do with all that pain.

Dee, I sure wish I could download the music people post. My dialup takes much to long, sure am looking forward to cable connection, it can't come fast enough. Any title with moon in it touches my heart as JaBoa's name means moon face. Not sure I told you all that her name came from a werewolf movie my daughter watched as a child. She said right then that she was going to name her girl JaBoa.. Eri Fest sounds wonderful.. so happy for all that attended. My son loves Bob Marley's three bird song... he sings it in the back seat a lot when we go places.

CJ, my heart goes out to you for your loss, so tragic.. Time is hard to wait on, as you know.. the pains are up and downs and how i wish there was an easy answer for any of it. So many people don't want to discuss the losses we have, they are uncomfortable, only if they knew that it makes us feel so much better to brag about the beauty of our angels, they may have left this earthly state, but they are all around us (or I feel they are) and talking about my girls makes me sad.. but happy hard to explain it. I have also learned that I will never be my old self.. and can only help with the angels help I become a better self. I love to hear you write about Marley.. I am sorry she had to join our family, but she is loved by many.

Lorri, take care of yourself and heal fast, thinking of you!

Sherry, thanks for thinking of us.. I worry a lot, I try not to, but it is what i do best. I know it is hard to go to certain places at times.. the loss just overwhelms us when we least expect it. I know when I go into jaBoa's old school.. I can't .. everybody just stares at me.. of course now I haven't had to opportunity for a couple years now.. I don't know how I would do.. it has been many months since I have cried. It scares me.. makes me wonder if I have just hardened, or saving it up for something bad.

Carol, I am sorry You have been down.. hope you continue to feel better. My last post I had written to you, but had lost it... and forgot to add it again (old age).. I think of Ralph a lot with the COPD (since mom has it) I hear so much difference in her breathing in the heat, I worry.. it reminds me of her drowning, and I can't do anything. The dr. just tells me to get used to it, it is the way of summer. I really can't remember this much humidity in ND.. I think I actually miss winter.

Betsy... my feet are the first thing to go on this old body.. by the end of the day shoes come off and stay off.. that is if I ever put any on to start with. I loved looking at your pictures. I never read the book A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, but it was my favorite movie for many years, I would watch it in a heartbeat even today.

Betty, I hope you have fun in Atlantic city.. and rest well. It always makes me feel better to get online to read, and post when i can. I never did get my flag done. I had all sorts of ideas and people told me they would help here, but I never got it done. Makes me feel bad, I need to get to a store that will help.

Rhonda, I hope your feeling ok, the heat is so exhausting.. mom doesn't understand how much I hate taking her places. I tell her for her health, it is .. but I am getting weak .. throwing the wheelchair in the trunk and moving the oxygen.. just isn't made for hot weather.

I guess I better get moving... today I made everybody breakfast and then got online.. gave me a bit more time. Bless you all..

[ericasmom]

Leah, so nice to see you again. I did not know that JaBoa had to do with moon, how pretty the moon-faced little girl. I love moon references also, and have always felt the power in her silver glow whether it be full or crescent. lovely.

Rhonda, I hope that you have a good week. I know when you have those long periods of inward times, it can be hard to come out of but we go there for reasons not always apparent at the time.

I had dreams last night that I was sobbing everywhere I went, and knew I was going to and apologized to folks ahead of time, but sobbed heavily. Prehaps that is what I am doing inwardly and outwardly this weekend, I let it out. Truly, I have not sobbed so hard in a long time, I needed to, it just would not stop when that song, Whole of the Moon played. Now I replay it to allow my tears their venue, cleaning my house and my heart of built up salt stalagmites. I feel a bit lighter for it and I have slept more soundly maybe in part from that and because our party is over and I can rest easy in knowing everyone had a good time. Hooray.

It is very hot, maybe a storm in a minute or so, then more and more hot. Very humid.

[andy88]

Hello Dear Friends,

Just got back from a week at the beach. It was fun but bittersweet. It was the beach we always went to with Andy. I must have 100 pictures of him at this beach. I cried a lot lot lot. Maybe it wasn't the best choice, but hey, it was a week off I went fishing for the first time in years and I caught 2 fish! Woo hoo!

I'm so far behind, please forgive me for not responding individually. I do want to remember EJ's birthday. EJ EJ EJ!!!!!!!!!

Sending love and sunshine to each and every one of you...

Pam

[mikesmum]

Morning Indigos.

Dee - I get that you didn't hang the pennants. I am beginning to see the place 'time' plays in this journey. Things I needed desperately to 'hang onto' to see to are becoming less important, their importance now finding more perspective. Seeing their faces is such a bittersweet experiences, to know they are 'there' but not here is hard to explain sometimes.

Rhonda - Half the battle is having the kids be accountable and building on their experience. CJ sounds like he's on the right track. More strength to him to stick with his commitment. As for seeing Harmony, well the 'plan' is to approach the market next month. Will try not to look too conspicious

Betsy - As always your pics tell a brilliant story. So glad you had a great time with Sarah. Amazing how we credit our kids with being around us...the seatbelt oh yeah that's a giggle for Rich.

Pam - Ahh yes the beach...the fishing...the pics of years gone by, most definitely bittersweet.

Betty - Enjoy your time away, sounds like a place to be.

Lorri - Hope the physical healing is going well....how many days till you dazzle on the high seas?

Youngest grandson is off to the Dental hospital today. Trip to the 'big city' with mum. His front baby teeth are holding on and impeding the growth of his second teeth. One baby tooth broke off and the other is wedge tight against the new tooth. So he is for a GA so they can pull his teeth. Nervous day for all. I mentioned the tooth fairy might need to give him a bit extra to which I was told by his mum "I think the $800AU to remove them might impact on the tooth fairy payout"

Well I'm off to start my second year in Calligraphy ~ something I attribute to my BI family giving me the strength to venture out. Other study is on hold for the time being. Its all about balance......

I am healing with a deep sadness that lives within me

[ericasmom]

Pam, I am happy that you had time away, and yes, sadness prevails, tears happen and in fact are necessary to release, but sometimes in an old familiar place, set next to water or the forest or the mountains or even a new big city, we can travel with our ache and take our Baby with us as we see the sites of another place.

Trudi, it is all about balance, you are right-on there. I found that in order to capture some balance and maintain it a few years ago, I had to say no to activiites or to people where I normally would not have. I needed to preserve and conserve, knowing that time alone is needed in each day now, and whether that seems selfish to some, it was what allowed me to do the work I do with a smile on my kisser. One must find their balance, it is not in the same place as it once was. I am so glad that you are finding yours.

Give sweet grandie-boy a hug for his troubles today.

[summergirl]

Dee - I am so sorry that I missed ERI day....you know that my heart and hugs were with you as always and I am so glad that ERI-FEST was as beautiful as Eri.

My heart is heavy though and have had a few meltdowns that brought me to my knees.....easier to breathe once I have gotten through them but with the 21st coming at me the pain has not eased. I guess I will never be accepting of the fact that with each anniversary, holiday, birthday it will NOT BE EASIER....yes, softer as there is no other word I can find in my vocabulary that explains it. Jessica would be 32 this year and I am overwhelmed by that number - she was 26 when she left us on Feb 18, 2006. It seems as though I do things by numbers now...the day she left, the day of her birthday, the months, days, hours, minutes she has been gone, the age she was, the age she would be, how old Tavian is and was, what grade he is in now, how tall he is, how many times I have asked why, how many tears I have cried.....on and on and on.....

I do have to say that we have been very busy this summer, doing lots of things with Tavian as a family and even a few nights by ourselves to just breathe. We have been camping, fishing, lazy Sundays at the Ocean, bike riding....all done in the evenings and weekends as I work M-F, 8:30 to 4:00....Things at work are a bit tougher for me now as the girl who works with me has only been employed one year (me 18) and she just got promoted to Administrator Assistant which puts her above me plus a huge increase in pay - I am not unhappy that I did not get the job as I did not apply for it knowing how much more work it would be and I do not need any more than I have now....I guess it is more the "attitude" of the girl then anything so the other day I had to set my boss straight on a few things......she was good about it so we shall see how it goes...I just want her to know she is not my boss, I do not answer to her and she needs to respect the fact that I have been there 18 years and am also about 19 years older then her so do not get the "high and mighty" with me.....RESPECT is all I ask and deserve. Felt alot better once I got it out.....

We are in for a HOT week so hubby and I are thinking of going camping by ourselves for the weekend....hard to believe we have never been by ourselves as our friends always go with us - a group thing but some of them are away this coming weekend so I thought it would be a good time for us to have a few days alone....it really makes me happy thinking about it...will let you know.

Tavian is getting ready for bed, up and early tomorrow for camp. On Thursday he is going on a huge boat out into the Ocean for some deep-sea fishing.....YES I am nervous about it but know that he is in good hands, however, I will not rest easy until he is home and that will never change.. Last night we went to the skate park and he took a bad fall....I don't think I have run that fast in many years...lol......he got pretty bruised up but nothing broken - I was so scared when he screamed and I saw him on the ground I felt the panic rush through me....All is well today but I am sure there will be plenty more scares along the way. Thank goodness I have you guys even though I have not been here as I used to.....I love you all and think of you often......I know the day will come when I will come back as I want to...

Love, Peace and Strength to all....Kathy

A couple of pics - Tavian with the lobsters for dinner....they were yummy. The other is him and Whitney (his new older love) at the Ocean...

[Guest msnher]

Hello Indigo's;

I'm glad Eri Fest went well, Dee. The salads sound yummy. I understand not hanging the banners, too. I haven't even made one for Stephanie, yet. I still have the blank banner Bonnie sent sitting with my "to do" things on the desk. I'm just not "there", yet. It's odd that I beat myself up for so many things but not that. I dreamed of Stephanie last night. First one in a long time. I dreamed she was alive and picking some of her things up from her sister's house. They faked her death so she could be free of me and live happily. My dream ended with her telling me how much she hated me and wanted me out of her life. I don't think that's a dream from Stephanie. I think that's my subconscious mind exposing itself.

I love the pics you posted, Betsy. I'm glad you are more comfortable with Sarah's new home.

Lorri - How's your pain? After going through this damn rib thing I know I would never intentionally inflict pain on myself. I'm just too big a baby. I tip my hat to you in respect. I tried duct tape once. Honest. Didn't work.

I am on pins and needles until Saturday, Trudi! I hope what's her name's heart has softened and she will realize Harmony needs you in her life as much as you need her. I admire you and your calligraphy. Today I realized that my self esteem is at an all time low. I've become this needy woman always saying "I'm sorry." I hate that! I've never been like that. Maybe I'll take a class next fall at the college.

You work all day and then still remain active with Tavian, Kathy! Another tip of my hat. I don't know how you do it all. You are creating wonderful memories for Tavian.

I hope all of you are staying cool in this heat. It was so good to see your post, Leah! My thoughts are with you and the rest of our BI family every day.

Each one of you pop into my mind throughout the day. I can't collect my thoughts enough to respond to each of you, individually, when I post, but the desire is there. I've come a long way but I wouldn't have made it without you.

I am on the mend both with the rib and the emotions. I have a lot of self esteem work to do again. I've always thought so highly of myself it's ironic to think so lowly of me now. It's almost intertaining, but it's really quite annoying.

Peace to each of you, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

my spelling is not entertaining, however.

[mysonrich]

Thoughts...is it possible for my heart to break even more when I see the pictures that Sarah has around her home of Rich, several on her desk alone, does my heart break and ache for her and the grief and missing I know she feels, shattered as it is, my heart feels heavier with her longing.

Trudi, I don't know why I have this image of you in a nuns habit walking around the market for a chance to spot Harmony. Why a nun? Lol

Betty, have a great time in AC with the sand between your toes. I forgot to tell you this; while getting ready to go out on Sunday a song came on the radio, “ Little Victories”. I quickly asked Sarah who sang it, she didn't know , but I found this . http://youtu.be/ae_T-B1OA2M

Pam, the ocean always puts life into prospective for me. The smallness of us and the vast ocean,earth,space. As sad as it makes me at times to feel the vastness, infinite universe, I also believe more,that this time.this place is just one realm .

Leah, my “m” key keeps falling off and when I try to press it back on I get this..mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Or maybe that is as far as my thought process travels on that given day. You do so much for so many . I understand that getting your Mom out and about takes a lot more then just hopping in the car plus her health making it a matter of what she wants and what is best for her. Role reversal.

Susannah, still on pain med's? I have had very weird and scary dreams in the past while on pain med's. The pictures I see are big and thank you. Its like having you guys along for the ride.

Carol, how are you? Busy?

Rhonda, the inside of my head is very dark at times and I struggle to talk myself back out. I'm sorry you are there.

Lorri, one word, ouch! Feel better.

Dee, bittersweet notes from Erica's cousins. Do you ever see Erica in her relatives? Mannerism, features? I know I see Rich in a quick glance of a stranger so I would guess that we see the same in relatives.

Sherry, 67 degrees sounds good . Do you have a stone foundation? Its is 10PM and still 88. Two more days of this stuff. BTW, cops caught two young men, 19 and 21, that stole my aunts plows,scaffolding,pole digger etc..these 2 young men also stole manhole covers and storm drain grates among other things. Lots of work, an honest living may have been easier.

I'm going to crank up the air, toss a light blanket over myself and zzzzzzzzzzz.

Indigo's, may you all rest well,

[hotrod]

Dear Indigos

Betsy Thanks so much for the connection to the song "Little Victories" How thoughtful of you!!! Stephen choose that name because he said it took many "Little Victories " over himself to complete the Race Car many times he wanted to abandon the project, push the car into the ocean and call it "Big XXX Mistake". How proud he was that it was one of the top running cars.two years running.

Betsy when you talked about Sarah's sadness and the grief that you felt seeing her loss I understand.. Keep on keeping on That is the best we can do

Leah great to hear from you I too had an obsolete computer until last summer when it just gave up Best Buy had a great sale and I am glad I treated myself. I really connect positively with the world with my computer.

Trudi Good luck with your new class. Is Sir Mutley still a Service Dog bringing happiness to the ill?

Dee I agree all the food at EriFest sounded so special So glad you had a successful event.

Sus Please take care of yourself and know that you are an intelligent, wise, creative person who has a great courage, and wisdom and is capable of much love and compassion. Your daughter is and I am very proud of you.

Sherry Staying cool I hope

Rhonda, Pam, Carol, and all Indigos stay cool

I could not get out of town today Am leaving tomorrow early am for AC Will connect when I return.

Rhonda and Pam Carol, and all Indigos stay cool

[ericasmom]

Betty, a great trip to Atlantic City. I hope that the days are filled with peace and with fun and laughter.

Betsy, I sure do see ERz in many of her cousins and her littlest cousins too. In name as well, One is Aeri-Moon, one is Nayeli Erica. But there are mannerisms that definitely bring her youth home to me again adn again.

Love the song Little Victories, thanks for posting it.

Kathy, hang tight to the love that is in you and around you. Jess is everywhere that you are, her birthday remains a great day as it ushered in the Girl of your Dreams. Hang on.

Sus, low self esteem is something that we know inside out and yet when bouts of it move in like so many unexpected storm clouds, we feel surprised by it. The reason we are surprised by low self esteem is because for longer periods of time now, we are not plagued by this drain on our spirits. We are getting storonger and so we have longer times of feeling good. Abused children grow up with wounds and damage, the biggest damage is that wounded self esteem. We can not always be on guard and so sometimes it slips. It slips especially when we are ill, (broken rib) on meds, (broken rib), and facing the dates that tear us up. You will get it back, no more apologies then, just stand tall, (when you heal) and remember what it is you have lived through. It is a lot, and many would be crushed under the weight of it all, so stand tall and know that you have much to be proud of. Those three kids come to mind real quick.

Your dream was definitely not from Steph, it was another byproduct of the low self-esteem. But remember Sus, we cannot control all things, if we could we would have changed things from the time we were little so that life would have felt pretty when we were little...we are not the reason the bad things happened, we are not the cause, we are the survivors.

[mikesmum]

I just LOVE the dental system here. A trip into town (40mins) day off work for Melissa and then told she needs to hold a health card before they will do the surgery. She earns too much for a health card, but not enough to pay for dental insurance

So my baby grandson will be having his work done in a local paeds dentist, under gas, costing around $900AU....

Kathy - Its that 'they were this age when I last saw them' that hits my heart. Mike would be 36, we were 20 yrs apart in age. Hope Tavian enjoys his deep sea adventure!

Betsy - Will let you in on a secret. My baby brother and many others over the years have likened me to Sally Fields, yep the flying nun. Just a bit obvious for sneaking around the market though

You be the judge. Dee, Carol, Bonnie, Colleen and Marcia you can help out you've seen the real thing ..

[ericasmom]

I can't stop laughing TRudi. The Flying Nun is perfect. HOLY S--T, sister Trudi.

[shorty16]

Kathy,

I have recently turned down a position as manager of the quality department where I work. I too knew it would be so much more work, much more pay, but I cannot commit to more than I am doing now. I do not know if you wanted that position as administrative assistant, but when we are trying to find joy in a new life, adding more work and time away from our families is not the way to do it for me. I send you a hug.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Hello my indigo friends

I want to appoligize for not responding to all your posts, but I just do not have the energy.

I have been conducting audits yesterday and all day today. Even though I do not have a physically exhausting job, I have to use my brain. By the end of the day, I feel like I ran a marathon. The audit is going well.

Take care my friends. Just because I do not answer each one of you, does not mean that I do not think of each one of our angels. They are together.

Love Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

I seem to have gotten the pain in my ribs under control without the use of narcotics. 800mg of ibuprofen every two hours for 24 hours. I began yesterday afternoon and I was able to get out of bed "virtually" pain free this morning. My energy healer friend (also my doc's nurse) put me on that regimine. It's working. I'm impressed with ibuprofen. Hard on the stomach, though. I take it with milk or food.

I find myself at the place I was a few months after Stephanie died. Well, not quite the same...it doesn't hurt like it did then. There's a whisper inside my head that says, "Stephanie's dead" and from another part a surprised voice says, "Really?" I suppose that's normal as her second angelversary is fast approaching. It's so surreal. It is what it is, I guess.

Well, gotta get busy.

Love to you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Pam-I'm glad you had a reasonably good time. Tears are inevitable I suppose for now anyway.

Kathy-Always love the pictures of the little fisherman. I'm glad the supervisor is understanding of your position, even if the new AA is not. Power goes to some people's heads more easily, even a little power. I hope you are able to get away with your hubby for some alone time.

Betsy-The last few days have been better, thank you. I have carried my granddaughter to Vacation Bible School the past couple of nights, and it has robbed me of my solitude, but in a good way. It goes for two more nights, and I'll probably take her if my daughter says she can go. She's the youngest one there, so I have to stay to help with her. But its good to be around all the happy kids having a good time playing and singing and making crafts.

Colleen-Good luck with the audit, know how that goes. It's draining in a way that physical work is not, hard to explain to my husband why I'm tired when he's been in the 90+ heat all day and is covered in sawdust.

Susannah and Lorri-Hope you are both feeling better. And Susannah, your spelling is always intertaining.

Trudi-I'll have to go back and look at the picture of you and your grandies to see if I can find Sally Fields in the picture. The only famous person I ever was told I look like is Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched, who I only wish I looked like. They started showing that at one time on TV Land or something and my daughter told me she thought I looked like her. But I don't know who would play me in the movie of the week version of my life, better not to go there. Hope the dental work goes okay, one of my nephews had that same issue with baby teeth.

I have to tell you all this, it was so funny. Sunday afternoon at my MIL's we were all sitting around trying to digest the fish, french fries, slaw, beans and hush puppies that we had for lunch. My husband and SIL had gone fishing and we cooked it all at once and just ate until we couldn't eat anymore. My granddaughter Laney had an audience, and she had a pen and paper and started pointing at each person in turn and asking if they were a number, then when they answered she would make a mark on the paper, like she was writing down the information. She pointed at her Mommy (my Amy) and said "Are you eleven-old?" (the numbers didn't actually make sense, but the right answer was always "yes") Amy said "Well, I'm not old, but Papa is". Papa is my husband, and Amy was teasing him. Laney looked at her Mommy without blinking or dropping that little finger that was pointing at her and said "I'm not pointing at Papa, I'm pointing at you, are you eleven-old?" Well it was all we could do to keep a straight face, Amy most of all, because of course, Laney was pointing at her and looking straight at her with that baby blue stare. So Amy conceded to being eleven-old, even if under protest. It seemed like the easiest thing to do under the circumstances. We all just broke apart laughing. She is such a joy. And she is making her Mommy pay for her raising, as the saying goes.

Leah, Dee, Betty, Bonnie, Sherry, Lori, Karen, Amy, all Indigos, sending hugs to you all.

[ericasmom]

Elizabeth Montgomery was one of my idols Rhonda. She could just blink and curl her little nose and ta-da, all things were good. I loved that show for the escape and humor it offered when I was a girl. And if reruns are on when I am looking for something to watch, I am all in for those, but that is rare. Same is true for Dick Van Dyke and a few other shows. I don't like reruns of most things, but once in a while. Flying Nun was never a favorite show but I watched it because I loved Sally Fields and I had a crush on the playboy in her life. Forgot his name.

Trudi, I think you could pull it off, you have the heart of the sister and the words of a sailor, which I adore in you.

Col and Kathy, it is all about finding your balance as Trudi said, knowing when too much is too much and steering your ship another direction.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hi everybody. I just wanted to stop in and say hello again. I know I don't post as often, but I do think about all of you and pray for you every single day. I have not had a lot of time to catch up on posts. I have just been so busy at work. I have learned that being busy is the best thing for me at this time in my life. Having free time allows me with far too much time to think. It is soooooo very hot here in Wisconsin. Hopefully this heat wave will come to an end very soon.

We are going on 8 months without our Brendan. My heart is so broken. Learning to live every day with a broken heart is so hard. Knowing I will wake up tomorrow and every day with a broken heart is so hard to accept. I just miss my son. I want to hold him, hear his voice and see him smile. I pray that God has a plan for my family. I know that his way is now our way, but I sure wish his plan didn't involve any of us losing our kids.

Thinking about you all.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[daveydow1]

Betsy----You mentioned riding past Rich's Vo-Tech school, and all the memories flooding in with pain. So nice that he

won at the state competition for Auto-Techology. You must have been so proud of him. Davey also went

to the local vocational school (graphic arts ). As a senior, he was the president of the Graphic Arts Club.

I told him I was proud of him for being elected the president. This is what he said to that......"Aw, mom....

no one else wanted it ! " He was always a humble person......and like your Rich.....tended to be a bit hard

on himself too.

Dee----I agree-----we must keep things in our lives in a balance. Sometimes it is very easy to get 'out of balance'.

It can be a very slippery slope, when many things, events, and demands on our time crowd in. Then, we must be

the one to say 'no'.....not because we are mean or anything, but just having to preserve ourselves with the

energy that we have.....which sometimes can be very little. Grieving is hard work. Such sweet & darling things

that the kids wrote to ERi......straight from their hearts. Our basement is a deep basement, and the walls are

of a double concrete block construction.Also, brick exterior. I guess that's why it's cool .....a real lifesaver in this heat. We had a

very violent storm yesterday at 5 p.m., and then again at 2:30 a.m. Very electrical. Lightning struck a limb on

a tree in our yard.......way up high. Luckily, the tree was some distance from the house. It was solid thunder &

lightning for 45 min. from 2:30 a.m. to about 3:15 a.m. Needless to say, we didn't get any sleep to speak of.

So glad that the ERi Box yielded such a good amt. of money for the Erica Reith Fund.

Betty-----Yes,....I can see that it would be too painful to visit the place where Stephen lived. All those memories.

Hope you have a real nice time in Atlantic City.

Rhonda-----That Laney........so cute with the 'numbers'. I, too, loved Elizabeth Montgomery & Bewitched.

Leah-----I'm glad that you are coming to BI again, although I know that it is not always easy. Going by JaBoa's

school is painful, I know. We put so much into the children and their schools.....it's such a big part of their lives,

and ours. You mentioned that you can't seem to cry. I so understand that. I've been that way lately, too. Sometimes,

I feel like I would feel better to just cry and cry....to let out all the tension. But, of course, we don't always have a

say in that, do we? Wishing that you will be feeling better soon. Also, how's your mom doing ? Peace to you, friend.

Pam-----Your week at the beach sound like it was so much fun for you. However, I do understand that it was also

bittersweet, with the memories of it being a favorite of Andy's.

Tony----This 8 mo. period is so painful. The shock wears off, and the reality sets in. I'm so sorry. Sending

thoughts & prayers your way.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Colleen - could not have said it better.... I love what I do now and there is no way I will take on anything that will take away from Tavian and my time with him. I did not want the position even if did mean more money......it is the smile on Tavian's face when I say "ok, let's forget the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning and lets go for a bike ride....or fishing....or camping...or whatever...THAT is what is important to me. So I go to work, do my job and go home to my family.

Had a few hours out with the girls tonite, it was different and quiet fun...was on the ocean in the sand, band playing and just talking...home at 9 pm !! lol Used to be able to stay out but now 9 seems late...

Love, Peace and Strength to all, Kathy

[briansdad]

I found this in Brian's CD case. He did like his techno

[mikesmomrs]

Tony: I am so very sorry that you are finding it difficult to traverse this journey. Eight months is a very short time on this particular roadway, and the pain you are feeling is so very heartbreaking, we know. It is likely good that you are busy, as you said, it does keep you occupied. At the end of the workday, though, it just all comes rushing over you again. Unfortunately, time is the only thing that will allow us to become more able to rebuild ourselves, and of course, that is what we must do. As Dee has said, we aren't the same, how could we be? Please know that you are thought of here, and carried in our hearts as you move through this pain. Holding you close in my heart.

Colleen: I know what you mean about the mental exhaustion...I felt that many times in my work before I retired. Cathi now works in a place that audits performance, also, and some days her job is just non-stop, especially if there is an incident. Please rest and recoup...I know the heat is likely taking its toll as well, and not being so far out from Brian's birthday has likely left you emotionally drained, as well. Sending love to you.

Susannah: I am glad that the ibuprofen regimen is working for you. I am sorry that you had that horrible dream, but I agree with Dee and I can't remember who else that said it could be the meds you were taking (I think it was Colleen, but I have moved too far ahead to be able to look back). And, I agree, your spelling can be "intertaining." (I don't know if that was a deliberate misspelling on Betty's part, but even if it wasn't, it was pretty funny) Approaching Stephanie's second anniversary....that's a tough one. I don't think there is anyone here who has already gone through that who would not say that the second year was the hardest, and for me, that second annniversary kind of put the final words to losing Mike...he was gone, he was NOT coming back, and I was going to have to learn to live with that fact. The "learning" has been hard, as we all know, but being here at BI and all of those sharing this journey has certainly given me much strength to try. My heart goes out to you, dear friend.

Rhonda: I loved the story about little Raney...she knew what she was talking about and WHO she wanted to talk to...so cute. Glad you've been able to experience taking her to Bible School, also...that is always fun and entertaining.

Pam: I too am so glad that you had a good time. It must have been very difficult to be at the beach that Andy loved so much. It was pretty tough for us the first time we went to "Mike's beach" it was truly a place we loved, and we lived 15 minutes from it for over a year...he was ecstatic about that. I'm sure that Andy is also glad that you had a good time.

Betty: Sorry for the delay in your trip to AC...hope you got off today okay and that you have a wonderful time. Being at the shore will be nice, too...are you going to spend any beach time? I have only been to a gambling area once, and that was when we lived in California and we went to Lake Tahoe where there are many hotels offering gambling, etc. We went there for a show to see Anne Murray (I am dating myself here), and Jerry Seinfeld was just beginning, and he was her opening act. Ralph won $75 at the one-armed bandits, but there was no one available to come get his winnings out for him (at that time, anything over $50 had to "unlocked" by a floor walker) and while he was waiting for someone, they called our name for seating at the show. I was so upset because he didn't want to leave his winnings, but we had to go in together...I jsut knew we would wind up at the way back part and not see anything. But we gave the usher a tip and he seated us right by the stage, so it wasn't so bad. Have fun! I love that Betsy shared the "Little Victories" song with you...very sweet, Betsy. I know that Stephen was approving, also.

Betsy: I am so glad that you got to see Sarah's new place and feel better about her being there. The pics were just awesome! Sarah is a beautiful girl, and that red hair...I am jealous...I have always wanted red hair. Sarah seems so very happy, too! I love the pose she gave you for the pic! We have a "posed pic" similar of Mike when we unexpectly stopped at the Statue of Liberty and went to Ellis Island, on our way back from Virginia once. He was SO excited when we said let's go, but when we got there it was too late to go up inside the statue, but we got to go into the base part. Walking through Ellis Island's facilities was spine tingling...so many memories, so much history...tears came easily viewing the life size pictures and imagining what went on. I hope you get to share many more days of touring New York with Sarah...I know you will both have a good time. The seatbelt? Definitely Rich, finding a way to give you an extra special, very tight hug!

Lorri: I loved what hubby said about your stretch mark...he is a great guy, but you likely know that already!

Bonnie: I hope the little one is doing well, but I know that the love she is getting from you and Rich is balm to her little soul and this can only contribute more to her sweet personality. I can't even imagine taking on the care of a 10 month old now...there is definitely a reason why our natural progression through life includes the end of "reproduction" around the ages that it ends...beyond that would be way too much for me! From your description, it sounds like she is just so sweet. That age is just great, too.

Trudi: The flying nun! Wow...that takes me back. I thought Sally Field was just about what every young girl would want to be...back then. I think however, as someone else said, you would really stand out in a crowd in that outfit, so maybe that isn't such a good idea after all. I can, however, see where someone would think you looked like her back then... I am glad that you are going back to the calligraphy class...it seemed to be something that you really took to, and it would be a shame not to pursue it further. I don't know how I would go about approaching Amanda at the market, but I would definitely have to at least try, even if only to get a glimpse of the sweet Harmony. Perhaps being in a public space and having Harmony there she might not want to make a scene? I too wish I could be there and go with you. I am sorry about the dental treatment problems...we have that problem here a lot, too...too rich to be poor, and too poor to be rich...I hope that all went well for the little guy.

Kathy/Colleen: I can definitely relate to your not wanting to take on more responsibility. Just before I retired, they had changed the duties in my position at work. No more pay, no more "rank," just more responsibility and I know that I would have just hated it...it would have just been too heavy a load for me, so I am glad I was able to walk away when I did. Kathy, it sounds like you handled the situation presented to you very well. I love the pics you share of TAvian...wow, he is growing just too fast! It is so great that he is growing up with a love of the ocean and all it entails. I hope you and Barry have a wonderful weekend getaway...it looks like a beautiful place to be and very tranquil.

Leah: Thank you for saying that you think of Ralph...he is doing okay, but having some mysterious back issues that make him very uncomfortable right now. They are going to refer him for some steroid injections that hopefully will help. I too love that JaBoa's name refers to the moon...a mystical force. I hope that you are able to get your computer issues resolved...we all know how frustrating that can be.

Sherry: I love the sound of that basement that is at 68 degrees all the time. I shudder when I hear the AC kick on, watching my power bill climb as I hear it's whirring.

We try to keep it as low as possible, and don't use it unless we really need it, but with Ralph's COPD, we do need it more often than not, especially with this unusually hot weather we are currently having. It seems to be drying out some, though, so that will help. We've had humidity but not much rain, so of course, everything is just drying up and dying in this heat...we've given up on the grass...it just isn't worth fussing and worrying over. We used to have a beautiful front and back yard at our old house, and while we are fortunate to have a corner lot here that has trees lining the outside perimeter, the grassy parts, front and back, are quite sandy and not much good for a good base of healthy grass. Of course, because of the sand, we also have tons of ant hills that disrupt the soil as well, so I have pretty much given up this year, except for my flowers and tomato plants. Maybe next year will be more conducive to taking care of the grass. I sit out front under the big maple tree in front of our house, and just focus my attention to the front of the house and all the flowers and shrubs growing, and thank my lucky starts I have what I have.

Dee: Now that the camp is over, you must be getting in some reading and relaxing time? I know that you like to sit out and read and just enjoy...how are the flowers in your yard? Has this heat hurt them? I have a small area I have been putting together as a memorial to Mike and it was pretty much finished except for one filler plant. I just haven't found the right thing yet. I thought that I had, a couple of weeks ago I got a beautiful scarlet coreopsis, but it didn't like that placement and went to whereever plants go when they wither. For now, there are ferns, some small hostas and a couple of anemic dianthus there, but all are well placed and are nice and bright green. I do want to replace the dianthus though, but just don't know what with just yet. I was actually thinking of a small rose bush, but I've never had any before and don't like the thorns. I am glad that you raised so much money for the Erica Reith fund...I know that it will be bring that little extra to those who make use of it...or maybe even just allow the basics to be acquired. I know that you teach in an inner city school and the supplies (those supplied and those that are supposed to be brought in) can be in short supply.

Sarah and Damon were on vacation last week...they drove up to New York to visit relatives...Sarah sent some pics and the one on them in the boat at Niagara Falls just amazes me...that woman is such a mom! I know that she was terrified to go on that boat, but did it for Damon...she is determined not to transfer her fears to him. She carries a lot of anxiety, but tries so hard to overcome it for him. She is doing a wonderful job. We really missed them, but Damon was here on Monday and again today (Wed), so we are getting to see plenty of him. We plan on taking him to the pool again...even Ralph is planning on going in again! We will have to wait til late afternoon thought, because it is going to be blistering hot earlier in the day.

Cathi and I, along with her Jamie and Mike's Kameron, went to the beach this past Sunday...spent about 4 hours there, though we didn't get there til 4 in the afternoon because it was just too hot before then. We left as the sun shone its last rays through the clouds, leaving the water and fun of the waves reluctantly. The waves there are pretty decent and they body surfed for quite a while, and then I finally told myself that if I didn't go into that water and play, I would truly regret it, not only then, but even more so when the snow is flying and I remember that I was there and didn't even go in the water! So, I finally went in and we had such fun. Kameron shared his memory with me of his dad teaching him to body surf there, the summer before Mike was diagnosed. I was so glad that he remembered. Before we left the beach area, we stopped at the taffy store next to the beach...they make taffy in the window, putting it on the trays, then spreading it onto the stretchers, then putting in the filling and sending it for wrapping. I LOVE their peanut butter salt water taffy...so very good. Later, tired, but a good tired, we stopped at a seafood restaurant and had a late supper. Yum! I love seafood! I had flounder, Cathi had salmon, Kam had halibut, and Jamie had chicken fingers...he wouldn't eat fish if he was starving! Although, he does eat it for his dad... Anyway, we did have a good time.

Take care everybody, be careful in the heat, replace your water, stay cool if you can.

[shorty16]

My Indigo Friends

I do not know if I told you, but Aaron did pass his drivers test and is now a lisenced driver (OMG). I find my self in a panic each time he is out with the car. I really need to get myself under control with this. Aaron is not Brian, Aaron is living the concequences of bad decisions behind the wheel. But Brian used to respond to me that way too "I am not stupid, Mom" when I would tell him to not do something with the car.

Well, I went to dinner with my two friends who do not understand last night and it was not too bad. Of course when I brought up Brian, they frooze, but I have learned that I do not have to talk about him all the time. I have not seen them for almost 8 months; therefore, 3 hours of not talking about Brian is OK.

WOW is it HOT!!! It is suppose to be 98 degrees today with 90% humidity. Just terrible out there.

Keep cool my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Hey all. Off to a day of training (boring) but will be inside where it is cool. Try to stay cool wherever you are today. Hope that the day is kind to you all.

[ericasmom]

Carol, how nice your garden will grow, poured over with love and heart. I love the photos and the thought of you in the water cooling down also makes me smile. I have been gettingout Carol, but the heat is too much for me. I can't read under the tree this week, today 98 iwth same level of humidity. Prior to this week I could though. Camp is over, and yes, a bit more time to do some relaxing which I need. I need to recharge. Actually, the school I teach is not inner-citybut suburban Oak Park, just 5 miles outside the city limits to the west. Oak Park schools have a goodly amount of supplies and resources, but there are many kids that come to us that are just barely making it, having moved from other areas trying to get to good schools...It really is lovely to be able to help out.

I am going to run some errands while I can in this heat, everyone stay cool.

Col, Aaron is not Brian, just as you said, hang on to that if you can. I sure understand the worry.

Hang on Tony, I swear it will one day feel different than this, softer in ways I cannot explain.

[ericasmom]

Sus, I agree with Carol, if you find yourself in a deep slump as you approach the 2nd anniversary, you are traveling along the same kind of timelines that we did. I found myself unhinged at the second anniversary. I felt I was doing okay and then about 3 months before the second, I started to become more agitated again, felt myself losing my thoughts and focusing on the loss of Eri. By the time the anniversary came, I had a nice all day break down, which I needed and allowed, not sure I had a choice but I listened to music that undoes me and wept for all that was and all that could never be. I will say that from there, I was much more able to face year three and subsequent years. Sometimes we have to mine those caverns to find our newest directions.

[daveydow1]

Carol-------I agree, the A/C can be expensive to run (we don't have it here, but did have it where we lived before).

But,....it is a lifesaver for anyone with breathing problems/COPD. thanks for the pics of Sarah and Damon at

Niagara Falls. they must have had a great time. We took Dave there once when he was little. Will attempt to

post a pic. I, too, love the dianthus. We have a couple of the perennial types of dianthus in Davey & Lisa's garden.

Right now, the black-eyed Susans are blooming....so nice. fI like what you said about just sitting under the tree,

looking at your flowers & shrubs, and being grateful for what you have. Good motto to follow for all of us. Hope

the ants from the ant hills stay OUTSIDE.

Colleen----Congrats to Aaron on getting his driver's license. YIKES !! 98 degrees !! Too hot. Maybe it will

cool down in the days/wks. to come. I hope so. It is to be 95 here tomorrow.

Dee----Oh, I so know what you mean........"weeping for all that was,...and what can never be."

Sometimes we just have to cry and 'crash' and let out all the sorrow & pain.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Davey at Niagara Falls , age 4

[daveydow1]

Davey age 2, at Gettysburg, PA ..............OOPS. Will try once more

[daveydow1]

Davey, age 2 at Gettysburg, PA

Sorry......don't know why it came up twice., but everyone here knows I'm no whiz at this.