Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

a photo from today's wreathing of the lions. ( I hope)

[ericasmom]

The other lion in orange and yellow. Very different wreaths this year, non traditional, which is just fine with me.

[mikesmum]

Jobaby - I am sorry that you lost your son - no parent should have to endure the  loss of a child, yet here we are.  Time here is irrelevant and the understanding is immeasurable. 

If you can and when you are able, pls tell us more about your boy, his life. 

My son Mike passed in Jan 07.  Sadly, for him,  the pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying.  He was 31. 

Terrie - I have to say the etchings and the article are amazing.  Adam most definitely impressed by the ability his parents have in honouring his memory every day.

Lorri - Ouch sorry about the car, never easy right on Christmas.

Dee- Love the majesty of the lions......love the colours!

Had a minor meltdown today.  Saw a Marvin the Martian coffee mug, reaching for it "Mike would love that"......bam!  It happened with Steven the other day. We were chatting and without thinking he said, how's Mike doing. I just said, 'he's going okay I think, not much backchat from the urn'.....we both smiled....he meant Melissa!!

Our dinner turned out to be lunch.  The restaurant was 1hr+ drive, it was right on the beach overlooking the bay.  The food was delicious, the wine hmmmmmm.  The waitress was from St Louis!! 

There were some deep and honest exchanges. I held an expectation that Mal of all people should be able to understand what I think/feel.  He felt there was nothing he could do short of bringing Mike back that would soothe my broken heart - he had lost his 'wife'.

We talked about the travelling.  Three months next Feb/March from the East Coast to the West and back.  His leave forms will be in on Tues.  Fingers crossed.

Take Care Indigo's

[hotrod]

Good Nite Indigos,

Thank you for sharing your Thanksgiving thoughts , triumphs , and tears.  Youl helped get me thru the day and the day after. Lite candles for all our angels at church and had a quiet day  Did look at old pictures of Thanksgivings past and they were Bitter sweet. 

Mary Ann, I too volunteered at a homeless shelter and felt I had contributed,

Dee loved the pcitures of Chicago Lion's

Carol; understand the feelings surrounding your thanksgiving.  You are such a warm caring person.

Trudi  So glad you and Mal are talking  I can see both sides.  I too think my Peter should be able to understand me and he too feels no understanding will be enough   Only the return of Stephen would do !!  In a way in my case he is RIGHT. I believe your trip soulds perfect

Terrie  Beautiful article and  pictures.  The memorial stone and verse for your wonderful angel Adam was a treasure

Betsey  Thanks for the thoughts during the Thanksgiving Parade.  Stephen and i did go to watch the blowing up of baloons the night before the Parade and the parade on many Thanksginings!!  I have warm memories of this Thanks for thinking of me.  I certainly loved your idea to honor Rich.  Having the flowers delivered to your sons's GF is a gentle approach and   I trust she will honor your request.

Claudia, Coleen, Leah,Sue, Sherry and all other Indigos please treat yourself with gentleness and extra kindness this holiday season

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[jobaby]

I don't know you but I completely understand what you were and are going thru!  I keep questioning GOD and why he took my son.  My son died of a cocaine overdose which according to the coroners report my son was not a user of drugs.  It is hard not to blame others. My son Charlie passed away December 3rd 2008.  This is a very hard time for me right now.  My parent's helped me beyond belief with my son and I really am trying not to burden them.  I am the last of 13 children.  My mom is 80 and my father is 79 going thru radiation for prostate cancer.  My parents and I raised my child so basically he was one of their children.  I was 16 when I was blessed with him and luckily I had parents and family who supported me.  Not that my parents were thrilled with the fact that was preganent but never once did they use it against me or Charlie.  Anyway it is kinda nice just to get some of this out.

[jobaby]

Thank you sooo much for your reply.  I think actually this will help!!  I hope..  My thoughts are with you on your drive.  Again, thank you..

[rlolheiser]

I have had trouble sleeping, thought I would check in here one last time and work my courage up.

Terrie, what a great article, and cause.  What a wonderful day in the cave, I still say one day I am going to see the inside of one.  It looks like you were having so much fun.

Dee, thank you for caring.  I have already hinted that I need somebody to help me with this.  My daughter doesn't drive, she told me she would go with me, but she is not comfortable doing this alone.  I have played it over in my head.. how a person just dreads to do something.. anyway... I guess I have to face it that I am the caregiver and I don't know what to call it.. I pay my dues each day and take care of her cause I just don't know what else to do..  sorry, I shouldn't talk like it is such a job..  it just gets harder some days.. but again, thanks for caring  hugs   I will have to go to the library and see if they have that book, I could do with a little irreverant :-) Love  your pics, makes me want to travel and see the world

Carol, I hope everything works out for your traveling.  meltdowns are tough, I have them lots especially this time of year.  I see so many things that I just know JaBoa would love.

Betty, thanks....  I wish I could find some pictures.. but through the years of moving I have lost many and my daughters have forged through and taken some.  I think this year I might try to find some of my daughters and take them back (hopefully)

Jobaby, It sounds like your parents are great.  But I have to tell you, standing next to your child who finds themself pregnant isn't that hard.  My oldest daughter was 16 and my youngest was 17...  when you love your children the rest just comes  and your parents love you and they love Charlie. I pray you find some peace this season, I wouldn't worry about burdening your parents, come here for the times you need, for any reason whatever... but I think your parents still welcome comforting you in times of need too.  (just my thoughts)....  I know as a parent I still like to think my kids need me for emotional support, granted not as much as I get from them sometimes.. but it is nice to be needed. 

I guess.. I gotta go pack a bag and get everybody on the move.  I will check back when I can... thanks for thinking of me.. and hey.. I could use a couple prayers out there :-) take care my friends.. I will be thinking of you

Leah

[nicksdad]

Colleen...THat is super about AJ and how he did, yes those matches do sometimes go on forever....

Summergirl...As long as you know the candle and poem meant alot that is really all that matters. I'm sure Jessica & Dad knew you were thinking about them.

arc4ever...The back of the stone is great looking...very nice.

Just had Thanksgiving with wife and daughter and candle in other spot for Nick...Quite day sorta glad it's over.

[hotsauce]

CINDY, want to wish your angel TANNER a happy birthday in heaven.  i hope he send you many beautiful signs today.  hugs

BETTY, i am so glad you also volunteered on thursday,  my back and feet hurts so good when i went home, very long day, but it was good.

LORRI, sorry about the car but thank GOD, your daughter is okay.

good morning to the rest of the member here on BI, hope your all have a good weekend.

TERRIE, got the clickfree backup for the photos, but it will not work on my computer. always something.

wish i was better at the computer, but BRIAN, was always here to give me help.  someday i hope to take some classes so i know what i am doing.

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

 

 

[hotsauce]

MARCIA, forgot to ask how is your ankle?

has any one heard if AMANDA had her baby yet?

 

thank you all for being here, enjoy reading and seeing all your picture.

 

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[Guest]

Leah - I missed it.  Where are you going?  You will be in my prayers!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Good morning Indigo's!

Another day.  Yesterday I made the firm resolution that I would make Christmas special for my grandchildren.  And, I will attempt to do just that.  But, right after my resolution of "I can do this." I ended up in a sobbing heap on my bedroom floor. 

I just don't get it.  I don't know how or why my emotions change so quickly and without notice.  When I want comforting, my husband gives it to me, but basically, I prefer to grieve by myself (except for you guys). 

Another day, again.  I'm going to try to begin decorating for Christmas today.  It's my grandchildren's first Christmas with us in years and the first real Christmas they get to celebrate.  Last year they were forced to stand in the back and watch others open Christmas presents while they didn't get any.  Obviously, we want to make it special for them. 

It will be bittersweet, because while we celebrate with them and try to heal past wounds, their mother's death will weigh heavy on all our shoulders. 

Life does seem so unfair so often.  I recently read a near death experience in which the author states, "we are not human beings having a spiritual experience.  We are spiritual beings having a human experience."  I've also read, recently, that the harder our human journey, the greater our chances are of spiritual advancement, later. 

I'm not sure what I believe about all that, but it does help me set aside some of the anger and questions.  There are moments I am able to accept and deal with what life has dealt me.  It is much more difficult to deal with what life has dealt these three innocent children.

The DA called me last week to announce that the perpetrator has agreed to a plea deal.  She will plead no contest (which is still guilty without her having to say so) and get 9 months in county jail...9 months in transitional jail and 5 years probation.  It's a 5 yr suspended sentence in prison.  So, if she screws up at all she goes straight to prison.

They are dropping the 2nd degree sexual assault and she will be charged with 2 felony counts child abuse.  She will not be on their data base as a sex offender.  I told them I understood that, but she was, indeed, a sex offender.

They know. 

My husband and I agreed to this, however, because it's basically the best we would get in a trial and this way the kids don't have to testify.  And, it can be over.  It's been a long haul.

The disposition for the state will be the 18th of December.  (Two completely separate legal battles).  At that time we will find out if the judge will give us our grandchildren permenantly.  Hopefully, by Christmas, this will all be behind us and we can get on with our lives.

Well, thanks for "listening".

You are all in my thoughts and prayers!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

My heart to all of you ......

I read and the pain that everyone feels is palpable.  I wish I could do something.

We will survive the holidays, we are not really given a choice in any of this.

I'm in a purge my house mood ...... where did that come from?? Makes Rich happy!

So, we have an errand to run this morning and then I'm going to "purge"......

The sun is shining, the wind is still a little on the gusty side but it's suppose to be in the low 50's .....

It's another beautiful day in Virginia.

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jasons Mom

[shellbellsmom]

Good Day BI friends.  Leah will definitely send prayers your way.  Safe travels and hope the sad memories stay as minimal as possible.

Terrie in our neck of the woods….many years ago our wrestling helpers were called “mat maids”, not sure if the name has changed to one more politically correct.  When our kids were little we also took them to Mammoth Cave in Kentucky….my kids loved it but I later found out my husband wasn’t crazy about them. (Claustrophobic).   Looks like they did a great job with the article. Does the magazine have a website with the article online…I would love to read all about it.

Trudi loved the comeback- backchat from the ur.  I have gotten called Michelle so many times from people who haven’t seen me in awhile and just spurt out the name before they realize that they were calling me my daughters name who died- I know her lose was on their mind heavily so it just comes out before they can catch themselves.  They are devasted by it, but to me its nice to hear her name being said.  Hope the travel plans work out-

Dee your walk yesterday sounded so peaceful and relaxing…which is hard to believe it was in downtown Chicago which is not typically noted for it's quiet surroundings.  Keep sending the sunshine over the lake…we need it. 

Kathy thanks again for your nice message on my daughters guest page.  I love it when I get emailed someone stopped by to pay her site a visit. 

Betty thanks for ligting a candle for all our kids yesterday.  Great job AJ.  Sorry about the frog donations Bonnie, charities are getting hit hard this year- our group the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society has had to cut so many positions as donations are down almost ½ of what they used to be.  Jobaby so glad you were able to write about your son’s passing….each and every time it will become easier and more therapeutic.

Last night over drinks with my friend and my husband we were recalling the New Years Eve- we rang in 2000, remember the whole Y2K scare night.  We’ll my friend had a New Years Eve party that night and we did a timeshare box to open in the year 2010.  We filled out forms on what we wanted to have accomplished/or what we thought we would be doing in 2010.  We also interviewed everyone at the party about their thoughts too, and added stuff that was from the year 1999- menus and other stuff.  A friend of our is the mother of the lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers (AK) so he signed lots of stuff from his albums too.  We really don’t remember all that is in there- she later found some pictures of couples who were together who today are remarried or no longer together anymore.  She found a cute one of my daughter and her cousin.  So, she said she would have to have another party to open up the timeshare box.  I said I wanted to view the video before the evening because I had no idea what my daughter said on the tape, and I knew I would lose it watching it in front of others- She said – we can’t as we told everyone it wouldn’t be open up until the eve of 2010, which is next month.  Now I am all stressed about opening it.  She said think of it as a gift- new memories of Michelle you have never seen before.  I will lose it…and that is not like me to in front of others.  That evening almost 10 years ago my daughter was alive- she actually was our DD for the 1^st time- she had her drivers permit, and we allowed her to drive us home.  She had her whole life ahead of her….she never lived to see the timeshare opened.  I think the night for me will be HELL, and as far away from a celebration as Mars.  Now, I have yet another thing to stress out about over the holidays….

I hope everyone as a great weekend.  Going to the cemetery to add the wreath with the solar lights, hopefully I won’t see any new graves like Carol did.  I stop by the other  young angels and say my hello’s…  Other than that laying low today, relaxing and will try and chill out my depressing thoughts (for my son and hubby).  Making soup sounds good- who every mentioned that- thanks. To everyone else here….wishing you all a wonderful peaceful day.  Sue

[mikesmomrs]

Col:  So glad you went to AJ’s meet…I know it must have been terribly difficult…so sorry that Mike’s family had to be there.  I am glad that AJ did so well. 

Terrie:  the ARC Angel Run…so great, so happy for the article…likely it will produce more supporters…I know that Adam is so proud of both of you.  Glad you found the old pics and so glad there some of Dam in them.  Love the pics, also, thanks for sharing.  Yes, I would also like to have that soup recipe, and maybe even the roast…whenever I cook one, I just don’t do it very well, unless it’s a pot roast that cooks all day in the crock pot.

Sue:  I am so sorry about your upcoming New Year’s party…I don’t know what I would want to do, but mostly, I would want to see the video first, and I would think that others would understand  your viewing it first.  But, of course, it’s not in your possession.  Perhaps if you told her you couldn’t come unless you’ve seen it first…I honestly think that is what would be my first thought about it…maybe I would change after thinking about it, but I am not sure.  Indigos?  What do you think? 

Sussanah:  I am glad to read that some of the legal issues are coming to an end, at least on paper.  The probation is of course, the best part, because as you said, if she screws up, she goes back and has to do the full time.  I know that your grandbabies are blessed to be with you, and likely their Christmas will truly reflect that.  As for the emotions coming on unexpectedly…I believe it’s because we do try to keep them buried all the time, sometimes we are bursting with grief, and now and then, they just have a mind of their own and spill over…it’s to be expected…we are on a road that is unpredictable in every way except that we know that at the end of it, we will be with our precious child again.  This is what keeps me going. 

Betty:  I am glad that you were able to get out on T-day…perhaps it helped?

Bonnie:  When you are done purging at your place, you can come here...we still haven't unpacked the back room...

Leah:  thinking of you on your trip today…prayers that it will go well and will not add to your anxiety.  I can’t imagine having to pass the site nor go into the church…perhaps you could explain to your mom how you feel about going there…   By the way, I think you may have confused me with Trudi, Mikesmum from down under (Australia).  She is going to take a trip with her husband in the spring.   I am Carol,  Mike’s mom, from NH.  She always goes by “Mikesmum” and I go by “Mikesmomrs.”  I hope you are not upset by my mentioning it, as you have done such a great job of associating people’s names with their children.  I know that it bothered you earlier that you couldn’t seem to, but you have certainly done very well, and it can be really daunting and usually takes a while

Mary ann:  I also got the click free backup for photos; haven’t had a chance to try it yet..it just came the other day. 

Dan:  So nice to see Nick’s handsome face again and to hear from you.  Glad your day was peaceful, though quiet. 

Dee:  my suggestion for hubby to cook was met with silence.  So, I cooked (reheated, actually), but I think he saw that I really wasn’t feeling well when we sat down and I ate hardly anything…then he felt sorry.  Too late.  But, he did clean up---almost.  Found out this am that he left the gravy pot (with gravy in it) on the stove all night.  Ugh!  So, it’s in the sink, waiting.  I hope it doesn’t turn out like the suitcase on the stairs in “Everybody Loves Raymond.”  (He had taken a trip and left the suitcase on the stairwell for a couple of weeks---every day it was looked at, but never taken on up.  Debrah said she wasn’t about to, and his dad told him that it would be foolish for him to give in now, so Ray put some stinky cheese in it so it would smell, hoping to force the issue…don’t think I need to relate the rest of that story!)

Lorri:  So glad that Kimberly is okay…I know about the “drama” stuff…Davis is always getting into some kind of “problem.”  I think he calls here twice a week, frantic,  “I lost my keys.  Can you look for them at your house?”  two minutes later he calls back “I found them.”  Or, “My car sounds really funny, I am afraid to drive it; I should take it to John’s” [his mechanic].  Or, even more frantically “I left my phone charger at my mom’s house, what am I doing to do?”  Or, (calling from work) “I can’t find my locker key..did I leave it there?”    He stays with us a few days a week because we are closer to his work, and his lives with his mom, who is 45 minutes from his work, so he is here often.  We are trying to work with him on his organizational skills…since the first grade!   (he’s 24….lol!)  Oh, well, he’s a delight otherwise…

Jobaby:  I am glad that it is helping you to talk about things here…it sounds as though your parents have been very supportive, but it is nice to be able to talk to others who have been down your same road…

Trudi:  “I just said, 'he's going okay I think, not much backchat from the urn'.....we both smiled.”  It was so nice that you were both able to smile about it, even though we know it likely wrenched your heart at the same time.  I am so glad to hear about your dinner turned lunch went so well, and the site sounds lovely.  Your talk seems to have been rewarding, at least in the level of exchange

I hope everyone has a good rest of the weekend...and has nicer weather than is here currently...cold, windy and damp.

Love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs 

 

[Guest]

Jobaby - I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  There are always so many unanswered questions and "if onlys" we all seem to have.  Again, I am glad you found this site, and I am so sorry for the circumstances which bring us all together.

Sue - I hope your friend has a change of heart and allows you to view the video before everyone else so you can be prepared. 

Sending you all love and peace.

Susannah/Stephanies' mom

[ericasmom]

Good Day Indigos,

Dan, so good to see Nick's handsome face, and to know that you are well. We had the same very quiet Thanksgiving. Jon and his Girl, Shannon, and my husband and me. It was a warm and special night. I lit two candles, one for Eri and one for Michael, but I did not mention it as sometimes that is enough to throw Jon off. It was my Son's first since his Pops died. He is having a very hard time, and I feel quite helpless in helping him. Anxiety takes over for him. Prayers.

Being in the city among the throngs of people is so lovely to me. I just walk and walk and take in the sites. Sites I have known but see with new eyes sometimes, and sites that are new, new buildings, new sculptures, new gardens and always the beautiful lake. It is always the crown jewel of our fair city. I will try to post a few new photos from yesterday's venture.

Leah, good luck on the drive, be safe, be mindful of what youare and are not able to do.

JO, Charlie sounds like a very loved young man, both by you and your parents. Goodness knows that it is hard to raise a child, to have your parents in full support is a testament to who raised you. I am so sorry that you have to face this time this upcoming anniversary. I am also sorry that your Dad is ill. Wow that you are one of 13 kids. What strong parents you have. Where do you live? What was Charlie like? Sports? music? school?

Hi Maryanne, how are your feet feeling today? I think that it is wonderful that you helped out and felt your contribution. Betty, you too. COol.

Sue, I think that if you don't want to go to that pary, then you should feel absolutely strong about telling your friend just that. It sounds like the video might be great to see, but I too would need to see it in private. I sob. So perhaps this party isn't what you need, certainly the upset and anxiety you are already expreincing are indicating this. I guess it is a matter of what do we need as opposed to what others perceive we need. You get to decide, you are the expert of you.

Trudi, I am very hopeful and happy that you and Mal are speaking about the things that matter.

Soup sounds great.

a sunny day here, going to classroom to feed the frogs and water the plants, then a walk in the sunlight.

dee

[arc4ever]

For anyone interested in reading the article in the RideOn magazine, here is a link:

http://www.rideonmag.com/archives/2009_12/2009_12_p28.htm

In the photo it is hard to read the article.

When I get a few, I'll post the "recipe" for the roast and the soup, they were incredibly easy and not really recipies just happened to turn out well, but I'll share how we made them.

It is sunny today but pretty cool out, we may try to get out and ride a bit BRRRR. I'll dress well.

Love Terrie (Adam's mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Well, got up this morning to have "the letter" in my in-box. I am officially a member of the "love to hate my mother-in-law" club, as well as this club. My son is estranging himself for a while, as his heart obviously is to protect his bride from the evil mother-in-law.... I AM paraphrasing, but it's pretty much the way of things now.... I have to remind myself they are 20-something... and they will grow up and realize what is important in life.

I think back and just cannot believe that in a matter of 3 weeks I went from being the mom who was looked to for ideas, planning, advice and most of all to share the joy, am now just estranged...... I guess I don't even have to describe what that feels like or how much more difficult grief has become.... What ever happened to a time when parents and people older than ourselves are respected, looked at as having gained some wisdom in their years, deserving of the honor your mother and father thing, just because if it weren't for them, you wouldn't be here?? What happened to families being able to share joy openly, and unrestricted??? I was told by son this morning that he would continue to outcast himself from me for a while, and maybe in the future we can be restored to the great family that we once were.... Marriage really changes people sometime...instantly...

I am just at a loss too great for words.............

[shorty16]

Hello Indigo's

Thanks for appreciating my post concerning AJ and wrestling.

I know some of you have lost your only son's.  Sometimes, I feel bad posting concerning my surviving son.  I do not want to send anyone in a grief journey more than they already are.

I have a favor to ask of you-all.

The 4 of us are going on a 4 night, 5 day vacation to CA for Christmas.  My 2 kids Michelle (19), Aaron (16) are still arguing and hissing at each other.  Michelle flips out over Aaron being a slob, us not disciplining him the way she wants, etc.  I swear I will lock her in the bathroom in the hotel room if she goes off.

What can I do to slow this down for 5 days?  How can I make Michelle realize she is not everyones Mother.  That 16 year old little brothers are suppose to be slobs, they grow out of it.  Her idea of a slob is not toweling-off in the shower, because the bathroom rug and floor may be wet and she will get her socks wet.  Stupid stuff that seems so useless now since Brian's death.

PLEASE HELP ME

Colleen, going crazy in WI

[shorty16]

Claudia,

I am so sorry for the "Mother-in-law" club thing.  What a bummer.  As if we have not already lost so much.  How can people put so much value on thier own opinions and not consider what it is doing to others around them - My daughter is famous for that. 

I will pray that your son and his wife see what a wonderful person you are.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Claudiea, I am so sad for you right now, so sorry that you are dealing with this kind of loss. I do think that Your Son will come around, but that right now he is blinded by the manipulator, how she is paraphrasing for him? I think that I would send them a letter, hard copy in the mail, letting them both know that while your heart hurts right now, you are hopeful that you will all be able to restore the bonds that hold you. I would remind them your take on how this quick about-face took place, and your read on it. Ask for clarity from their point of view, how did your words or actions turn into this?

I wish you deep love and understanding here.

Col, no idea except that Michelle has a great need to keep her brother at bay, perhaps due to the ache in her heart that Brian is not here, Arron is not Brian and she is pissed, or if she allows herself to be too close, her heart is too vulnerable so keeping him at arms-length is her defense. Family therapy? A sibling class for grief?

love all,

dee

[Guest]

Colleen - I have no words of encouragement to help you keep your sanity.  I don't mean to minimize the frustration two bickering teenagers can cause...especially in a motel room, but it did make me smile, picturing Michelle flip out over water on the floor.  

When my kids were teenagers, it was the other way around.  My son was the picky, bossy one.  Stephanie was very bossy, too, so the two of them batted heads a lot.  They were both neat freaks and thought their way was the only way.  They would purposefully leave a mess just to annoy the other.

The other two kids didn't care.  They were slobs and quite comfortable with themselves.

I will pray for peace for you, however, because it does suck to be caught in the middle. 

Each one of my four kids accused me of loving the other child more and allowing the other child to get away with stuff I didn't let them get away with.  Now they are all grown, with families of their own, and they realize how silly they were.  Sometimes they point out how I'm more lenient with the grandkids than I was them and I just tell them I'm a much better grandparent than I was a parent.

I'm rambling......it just brought back pleasant memories.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

More about Stephanie.........

One Saturday, when Stephanie was about 8yrs old, she came home bragging about all the money she had collected that day.

She and a friend filled her wagon up with rocks from the neighbor's rock garden and sold them door to door for 4-H.

Neither Stephanie nor her friend had ever belonged to 4-H.

Both girls had to return the money and apologize to the neighbors for lying and then put all the rocks back in the other neighbor's rock garden and apologize to him, too. 

Another memory that makes me smile.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia:  I am so very sorry that this is happening...I feel so badly for you...it's not like you can just hop into your car and run down the road to try to straighten this out...you are essentially caught in the middle and Patrick is, as you said, taking the side of his new bride.  And likely, your heart is being ripped into shreds anew...like you needed that!   It is just so unfair that other people can climb into your feelings and mess them up so much...

I can only imagine how heartbroken you are right now, Claudia,and I send my prayers to you and to your son and his new bride, that peace will settle soon and you will hear from him soon. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Hey Indigos - Its been raining here all night.  Yeah!!!  The weather is mild and the hills are green.

Sue - I remember when we were in MN.  Carol, Marcia and I had all bought DVD's with us.  They were of and about our kids.  They had not been shared outside our safe places and believe me there was hestiation about even viewing them with our Indigo family.  But share them we did - with people who knew that falling apart was part of it.  It has to feel right for you.  If you want to see it and share it then they have to know it might bring on a meltdown.  If not you might want to take it after they open the box and view it surrounded by a chosen few. Either way its your choice.

Terrie - I love the article and the pics.  When does the 2010 ride leave.  Might need to get my bike licence.  Such a tribute to the A.R.C. man.

Colleen -  Since losing our kids we have all changed.  Michelle might see the change in you and 'steps up' to the role of mother unintentionally, in  her way taking the pressure of you without realising it only adds to it.  Its her way of dealing with the loss of Brian and in someways the loss of the family dynamic.  She might also feel that she needs to be 'all over him' to stop from potentially losing him.

My hope is that you can 'destress' and together with Scott reassure her that its okay to just be Michelle. 

Dee - Its hard, Jon has at a young age gone through the 'loss cycle' enough.  My heart to you both at this time - best I can offer is hugs, hug him, doesn't matter the age, hugs heal.

Claudia - """Welcome to the 'hate my mother in law club""

What can I tell you that you probably haven't figured out for yourself.  Its kinda Psychology 101.  You were Patricks first 'love', you know so much more about him than she ever could.  The bound is solid and in someway without even trying you are seen as a threat.  It's damn hard, because in all honesty you only want for your boy to be happy.

Steve's partner is very similar.  While Steven was in the depths of addiction everyone turned their back on her (including her own parents).  When she became pregnant they shunned her.  When Steven served time they took her in but reminder her everyday what a shambles she had made of her life.  She came to me for support and understanding.   Now when things are good I see Steve on family occassions or when I run into him at Trade school.  To organise a visit is like trying to see the Pope!!!    Hang in there, Patrick still loves you, he just needs to show he loves her more for her to be secure. 

There is a break in the weather so hut hut hut off for a walk and a Latte. You are all welcome.....Trudi

[daveydow1]

Carol---Dee----Thoughts & prayers for your families.

Colleen---Congrats  to  AJ & your family.

Claudia---So sorry about the estrangement from your son& his wife, and prayers that

it can be resolved soon.

      Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry 

[lolynbo]

WELL KIMBERLY THE CRAP JUST KEEPS FALLIN ON HER..POOR GIRL...WE WERE ON THE PHONE TODAY..WHILE I WAS DRIVING TO TISHOMINGO TO GO LOOK AT THE MUSTANG (HAD CHECK IN POCKET)....AND IN MY CAR IF U CALL U ARE ON BLUETOOTH THRU THE SPEAKERS EVERONE IN THE CAR HEARS CONVO.

SO KIMMY  AND I ARE TALKING AND I HEAR A MAN SAY :SLOW THE F DOWN, U DRIVE THRU HERE ALL THE TIME SPEEDING THERE ARE KIDS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD..." ETC...SHE SAID "I HAD ON MY CRUISE I WAS GOING 25"...WELL THIS GUY POCEEDED TO CUSS HER OUT INFRONT OF HIS CHILD.....AND SO SHE STARTS CRYING AND THOUGH SHE SAID SHE WASNT SPEEDING""""".I JUST TOLD HER HE LOOKED DUMB INFRONT OF HIS CHILD CUZZING AND SCREAMING AT A YOUNG GIRL....

ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING,...MY STRESS LEVEL FOR HER IS LIKE SNAIL LEVEL LOW....ANYWAYS...

I WENT TO LOOK AT THE CAR....LOOKED GOOD EXCEPT...NOW I UNDERSTAND IT IS A 94'..BUT I DIDNT NO..THE WINDSHEILD WAS CRACKED..(400), THE DRIVERS DOOR WINDOW NEEDS WORK OR NEW MOTOR (100 OR LESS). THE DRIVERS DOOR WAS MISSING PAINT LARGE AREA (MONTY DOES BODY WORK SO PRICE OF PAINT AND BELLY ACHING  BLAH BLAH BLAH)..NEEDS TO FRONT TIRES (400 OR SO)... SO I OFFERED HER $4000. SHE SAID SHE HAD TO HAVE $4500 SO I SAID ID GIVE $4200 AND SHE SAID WELLLLL.....SO I LEFT WITH OUT IT....IF SHE NEEDS TO SELL IT SHE HAS MY NUMBER..   BUT I SURE CLD MAKE IT LOOK NICE FOR ABOUT 2000$ AND JUST KEEP IT FOR MYSELF ALWAYS..SO IF ITS MENT TO BE SHE WILL CALL ME SHE HAS MY #

I GUESS  I MISSED THE STORY OF "MEAN MOTHER INLAWS"... IF ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE THE SHORT VERSION IT WOULD BE GREAT...BUT MAYBE I CAN FIND IT..

KIMBERLYS IMAGE OF KOURTNEYS HEADSTONE..KODY IN BACKGROUND AND KIMMY..KINDA NEAT

 

[summergirl]

Claudia - so sorry about the situation with son and "new wife", you know Patrick loves you and is torn between you and new wife....what is her problem with you anyway???  I fell so hurt for you my friend...I would take Dee's advice and write a letter to them explaing how this makes you feel.....will pray for you and them.

Colleen - sounds to me that Michelle is having some anger issues and taking it out on little brother - anger is sometimes the way a person deals with the grief, as Trudi said maybe she is afraid of losing another brother.....very hard to figure out but maybe some counselling would help....teenagers are very hard to deal with especially when there has been such a great loss in the family.   I know Tavian, even though he will only be 8 uses anger as an outlet for his pain...don't we all sometimes?    Can you have a day away with just you and Michelle, talk about what is going on and allowing her to speak freely....you can tell I am no expert on this but am trying to help as best as I can.

Lorrie - so glad Kim is ok.....Very Bad man to be cussing and screaming at Kim and making her cry - smack down for him.....    Gald you got to see the mustang and I will say an extra prayer for you.....what shall be will be....Hang in there girl...other people go on with their lives happily as they do not walk along this path as we do and yes, I would love to tell them to stop being so happy and cheerful but...........

Trudi - glad the weather is good. Thanks for the walk....it was wonderful.   Nice to hear you and Steven got to laugh together... Thrilled about the plans you and Mal are making....fingers always crossed my friend.

Jobaby - Your Charlie sounds wonderful and would love to hear more about him. So glad that you have family that supports you in this nightmare.  My sister was 17 when my niece was born, her name is Jenny and she is now 37, lives in California and is doing wonderful, she had her own business "dog walking" and has now expanded to renting a large warehouse and converting it into a doggy daycare and training facility...she is an amazing woman and wonderful daughter. When my sister and I talk she has a hard time talking about Jenny to me as she feels as though it hurts me because of losing my Jessica......I tell her I love hearing about her and to never stop talking about her to me.  AS we do here, never stop talking about our child/children - it is here where we find what we cannot find anywhere else...total understanding......love/hate having you here.

Long day shopping with my friend Linda....had flash backs of shopping for Jessia and almost lost it but Linda got me together and ended up a nice time.  Jessica's best friend is Ashley and she and I keep in touch all the time, her son Damien is 6 months younger than Tavian and they are best friends......last year I bought Ashley a pair of Uggs for Christmas....this year I will buy for her again.....I buy her something that Jessica would have wanted as they were so much alike in every way except Jesscia was the much stronger personality....it helps me to buy something for Jessica for Ashely......

Dan - thanks, just what I needed to hear.....dad and Jessica knew it was there and that is all that matters to me...tomorrow I am going to start the website for Jessica so wish me luck....

Well, hubby needs me to go do some research on the internet so will say goodnight, peaceful dreams to all.  Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Thank you all for such great and supportive encouragement. I, too pray for healing and restoration...time...maybe.

Reader's Digest condensed version for Lorri and Kathy:

Sow w/ girlfriend almost 6 years. Married Oct 17th. All relationships in tact and actually GREAT up to that point. While at the wedding son says he will send copy of prof photo disk when they get it. Mom (ME) psyched and full of joy...give copy of all pics we took to the bride and groom before we left. 3 weeks later, Dear Mom letter essentially stating they do not want to share pics, and to please do not post any of their prof pics (which I had taken from the prof web site from the postcard that WE ALL got at the wedding dinner/reception. Mom )ME) became a bit confused and upset, not understanding why the reversal of heart regarding pics..and did not do a good job at hiding my hurt. (Proud mom only wanted to share the joy openly w/ family & friends.) Mom seen as pushy and pressuring...DIL sends long letter speaking on behalf of them both, very prissy and self-centered. Mom (ME) sends letter back, still hurt and not understanding any of this...(I guess I took it way too personally.) Did not handle my hurt very well, said that I felt limited in motherhood already and expressed my love for son--which bride and son took to say I love him more than she does...NOT what I said at all. DIL wrote scathing multi-page rant on Thanksgiving morning, claimed to regret having ever been close to me enough to share her heart and thoughts, and much worse things. Mom(I) wrote letter to son pleading to please forgive me for the offenses I made, but also please see how my confusion and hurt to all of this and why it even was necessary to begin with, etc. Son sends Mom (ME) this morning an e-mail basically to tell me he is standing by her and for me to take a hike till he's ready to talk again, b/c the fault of the whole situation is with me.

I obviously paraphrased a lot and shortened things up. In a nutshell, not such pleasant exchanges between any of us, and what were desperate pleas from me looked like forceful antagonistic accusation to them. There's no way I can come out well in this, except to stay silent at this point and let time do its thing...hopefully. A letter will do nothing at this point. I've already explained my heart in the matter, and apparently it's just too much for them to consider at this time. They are their main focus..as it should be. I am just devastated that basically what I am hearing is that a relationship with me is conditional at best and OPTIONAL at worst.... sigh.... And so, yeah...I am now officially in the "Hated Mother-in-Law Club".

My husband and I were talking earlier about how much generations are changing. My mother-in-law did and said some of the most insensitive things ever just after Joey died, and I was beside myself and livid. I shared my feelings with hubby, but never in a million moments of anger and frustration ever considered sending my MIL a scathing letter. Nor did I expect hubby to abandon MIL. After all, he wouldn't be here in this world and in my life if it weren't for MIL. Taking MIL out of our lives and making her "optional" was never part of the equation. What is happening to young people???? No sense of respect for family whatsoever. It's all about them in the moment....and they don't consider or care that they hurt the ones who love them most.......

Anyway, that's how it is now. Almost 6 years of terrific relationship with DIL, and now one month of marriage and estranged.... Marriage really does change some people....

[jobaby]

wow!!! the responce I have got from all ya'll is amazing!! For all this time I have just felt so alone.  Granted I have family but ya know.  Charlie loved drawing, cooking, as my mother always said changing all the ingredients.  He had the longest eyelashes ever.  Women would fight to have them. He played alot of golf,  he would practice in the front yard.  We went thru alot of storm windows!!!!  Finally we got smart and bought a golf net for him to hit at.  Still did not work.  Ha! Thank you soo much for letting me get all of this out.  I miss my son beyond belief.  I was 16 when he was born and we would always joke how he would have my grandkids, I could live in his house and make sure they would cause him as much trouble as he did me.  God, how much I would love for him to be here annoying me...  Really, I would not even complain about him not rincing the dishes or how many soda cans he left in his room.

[4everjoeysmom]

Jobaby, your love for Charlie gushes through the words you share, and the sadness of missing him so... HUGS!!

[shellbellsmom]

Good Sunday morning to you all.  It’s a quiet foggy morning here and my boys are still sleeping…so it’s just me, my coffee and my keyboard hanging out.  Yesterday I did manage to put the ornaments on the tree and a few Christmas decorations around the house.  We have probably 8 large boxes of stuff- but only put out about ½ of one.  That’s all I need- the stockings, the tree, and a couple centerpieces- and one music box.  I probably have about 25 Christmas music boxes of all kinds and love all the  memories of my Michelle when she was little dancing around half naked with her long hair flipping around from side to side…and her turning them all on at once.  It was so cute, but then after an hour it drove me crazy….what I would do to see her do it again. 

Claudia thanks for the recap…I am so sorry the DIL and your son are making life so hard on you.  My family (as well as my husband’s) has done and said many things that have upset me/us, but we always just forgive and forget about it.  I always told my children we would always be there for them ALWAYS! And I am sure you son knows that and is just giving in to his wife for the time being.  Hang in there and have faith things will turn out better real soon.

Kathy I hope you find working on Jessica’s website a healing experience.  Mine took weeks and I still add things from time to time- I cried every page I made….and wanted to share her with the world.  I wanted everyone who never got the opportunity to meet her to learn about her life.  Good luck with yours.

Jobaby, Charlie sounded like a wonderful son so full of life and personality.  Yes, we would take our kids back in a heartbeat...bad habits and all. Don't those bad habits seems so trivial now.  

Colleen regarding any advice….Everyone's advice was good.  I guess I would too just sit Michelle down and talk with her and let her know what the bickering is doing to you and how you want the Christmas vacation to be relaxing and as happy of a time as it can be everyone, and then tell you son to do his part in not stressing out sis either- Wish it was that easy. 

Lorrie hope she decides to take your offer.

My husband and I went out shopping yesterday for a bit…and of course over dinner the box issue came up. He was firm and adamant on us NOT OPENING  IT UNTIL NEWS YEARS EVE- AND ALL TOGETHER.  But he said….when they play the video we will probably just need to excuse ourselves and not watch it with everyone else.  He isn’t at all stressed out about it so maybe I am making a bigger deal about it than I should.  

Everyone enjoy your day and find some quality time for yourself to relax and reflect on something positive in our lives.   Sue

[nicksdad]

[user=17871]summergirl[/user] wrote:

Dan - thanks, just what I needed to hear.....dad and Jessica knew it was there and that is all that matters to me...tomorrow I am going to start the website for Jessica so wish me luck....

If you need any help just shoot me a line i'll be around all day.

[cameronsmom1]

Hey I just wanted to write and tell you

 

I'm having a baby tomorrow!!!!

[lolynbo]

WELL THAT MEANS ALL OUR ANGELS WILL BE WITH YOU..AND WHAT A GREAT DAY FOR YOU AMANDA...IVE KINDA BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, I LOST A BABY B4 I HAD KODY..NOT AS NO WHERE NEAR AS FAR AS ALONG AS YOU WERE..BUT WHEN I HAD KODY MAN, WHAT A FEELING,,(OF COURSE WITH THE GIRLS TOO BUT JUST DIFF)..OF "MY ANGEL OF ME"..FEELING...

IM PRAYING FOR YOU, TELL KOURTNEY TO VISIT ME WHEN SHES DONE SEEING THE MAGICAL MOMENT

[ericasmom]

Prayers and hope for a peace filled day for everyone here, and for all those we don't know.

I slept in the deepest way, something I have not done in a while. I just slept like a bear in a log. Oh my I needed that.

Ditto the weather Sue, there is even thunder which is kind of cool. ERi loved storms. She is smiling the seasons battle to show themselves. After so warm a November, Autumn wrestles to find its usual level. I give you a lot of credit, I have not had a tree or put up more than a tiny angel in the 6.5 years of Eri's leaving. This is our 7th Christmas without her adn I am made astonished by that. I still picture her opening the new boots that my husband picked out for her, how amazed she was that he was able to pick a cool gift. Oh boy, the abstraction of time. It somedays feels as though time is a simple turn of the head.

thunder and lightening now, wow how cool.

Jobaby, keep talking, we will always listen, you can uncover your years and your joy and your grief and we are all here listening/reading. Golf...sounds like Marcia's Daughter Bethany. Cooking and long eyelashes, a girl's dream.

Peace and hope,

dee

[lolynbo]

JOEYSMOMMY, IM SORRY...THIS IS JUST MY 2CENTS...AND BELEIVE ME ITS LESS THEN THAT WITH INFLATION..(OF MY BRAIN,OR LACK OF AIR)...

IF U HAD 6 YRS GOOD RELATIONSHIP....I THINK IT WILL ALL BE OK...STRES FROM WEDDING, ON YOUR AND HER PART , AND MISSING JOEY...HER AND HUBBY AND YOUR PART...I REALLY THINK JUST GIVE IT TIME....I FEEL IT WILL ALL WORK OUT...SHE LOVES YOU, SHE LOVES YOUR SON.....

JUST MY 2 CENTS

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's. 

You and your new little arrival will be in my prayers, Amanda!  How exciting!

Sue - I could picture your blond, half naked little girl dancing to the music boxes.  What a cherished memory.

Claudia - When I read about your DIL I feel guilty, myself.  I was that daughter in law during my first marriage.  I was young, stupid and just an idiot.  I felt so threatened by my mother in law.  I took everything she said as criticizm It was impossible to have a conversation with me.  My ex MIL has since died, and I will never have the opportunity to apologize for treating her so badly.  I hope it doesn't take as long for your DIL to wake up as it took me.

Jobaby - Thank you for sharing Charlie with us! 

Indigo's, I'm trying not to forget anyone.  But, I know I have.  Like Jobaby, I have found a lot of comfort here.  I'm grateful you are all here. 

Wishing you all the best day possible.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[4everjoeysmom]

I am grateful for all the support here. I do believe that this latest "loss" will soften in time. It is, however, another loss my heart needs to process (when all I could see before was the gain of a DIL, which I was very supportive and enthusiastic about). Expectations I had fell apart, and I guess it's my fault for having them to begin with. Existing grief becomes a little more complicated and compounded, BUT I will get through it.........I have no choice.

Amanda, you're the best news in town, girlfriend! Prayers and thoughts for a healthy delivery and quick recovery. Blessings and hugs!! ~Claudia

[briansdad]

we went out to the cross to decorate here are a few pics.

[briansdad]

the other one

 

[ericasmom]

Beautiful Greg, simply a wonderful way to keep Brian right here for you and for Alyssa, not to mention for all who drive past. YOur Son smiles on you each day.

AMANDA- Holy Cow, Baby day cometh, and what a wonderful way to end the month of November, with the birth, a beginning. Lovely.

[mysonrich]

Hello everyone. it's a beautiful day here, sunny and 54. I thought I should get out for a ride and food. All I had was oatmeal and the salt in the bottom of the pretzel bag. I went to Wegmans, good buys there.

 

Nice little tree's Greg. IS that Alyssa? dumb question right.

 

Dee, enjoyed the pictures from Chicago. I agree, the color change of the wreath is nice. fallish .is that a word?

 

Everyone, hope you all are well. I don;t have much to say right now.

 

Expect. Amanda, the count down begins. We'll hear from you soon !

 

Betsy.mysonRich

[shorty16]

Greg

Our city will not allow us to put any memorial where our Brian was killed.

They would allow us to purchase a tree of their choosing to replace the trees lost in the accident.  I suggested they ask the kid who knocked them down to replace them. (I did not say that to them, but we thought it).  we declined their offer.

Cool you can do that with your Brian.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Nick's Dad

Love the new avatar!

Colleen

[lolynbo]

BRIANS DAD..IM SORRY YOU EVEN HAVE TO ATTEND OR DECORATE THAT SIGHT...SO HARD FOR YAL TO HAVE TO SEE THE "AREA, SPOT" WHERE THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED...IM SO SORRY...I DONT NO HOW YOU ALL FEEL....

IM WATCHING "AN EYE FOR AN EYE"...I DONT NO HOW PPL FEEL THAT HAVE LOST A CHILD TO VILENCE......BUT A GOOD MOVIE SO MANY THINGS SHE IS ACTING OUT WE REALLY FEEL..."THE SMELL OF A PILLOW"..HAS SALLY FEILDS IN IT..HAVE YAL SEEN IT???

[ericasmom]

Prayers for the families of the 4 murdered police officers in Washington State today. Our hearts open to those finding themselves in a place of great pain. Blessings.

Last night I had a disturbing dream. It was brief and I remembered it for just a moment this morning and then at the gym, while power walking the track, the dream unfolded again. In the dream I was in a store shopping and looking in the mirror at something I was holding up to me, while in the background I witness a woman in a bright green coat take my wallet out of my pocket or purse, can't tell. Anyhow I yell, " grab the woman in green, she stole my wallet."

So she is apprehended by those in the store and she yells, "I wanted to take your identity."

I said, "oh you want my identity, you want to wake up everyday with the realization that your daughter is dead? You want that identity?"

so wow, that hit me today, as I was super blue and out of sorts yesterday. Guess it came out through my dreams. I do feel better today, less in a funk. Now I have to get at my report cards, they take a great deal of time to do, and I have begun to put in reading and writing grades. It's the comments that take a great deal of time. All of it has to be done on the computer.

Hope everyone had a good weekend, that you realize your value each day to each one here...Thank you for all you do.

Love

dee

[daveydow1]

Greg----Nice pic of Brian's memorial cross & Alyssa. I'm glad that you were

permitted to put the memorial up. There is no way we could put a cross

up where Dave was killed ---a freeway, high up, with gaurdrail all along,

and steep steep downhill drop with heavy trees/vegetation on it.

Colleen----I'm sorry that you were not allowed to put up a memorial where

your dear Brian passed. Peace & tranquility, friend.

Jobaby----Thanks for telling us about your dear Charlie. He was a fun-loving,

dear son. I know you miss him terribly. Keep coming back to BI.

Claudia----I agree with Lorrie. I, too, believe that in due time, that the dispute

and hard feelings will 'mellow out' and that it will turn out ok.  Stress and

frazzled nerves can make relationships tense at times, but angry feelings

have a way of softening. Peace & prayers.

           Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[lolynbo]

HOPE THIS POSTS ITS FROM KOURTNEYS FRIEND JOHN, HE DIDNT BELEIVE IN GOD TIL KOURTNEY GOT SICK NOW HE DOES...