Loss of an Adult Child

[shellbellsmom]

Amanda he truly is a beautiful boy... I love this song

and am sending it to you.  John Lennon's version is great too. 

...surprised to see we have some mosh pit mamma's on this site. 

Carol glad today went well.

My friend called me to tell me she had a change of heart and said its OK to open up the timeshare box before hand- she doesn't want others to know and we will have to tape it back up really good afterwards- I asked her why she changed her mind and she said after thinking about it she thought it was the right thing to do.  Stress is relieved some. 

Hoping for a good nights sleep, and many wonderful dreams of my angel.  Peace, Sue

[summergirl]

To all Indigo's - thank you so much for all your support, concern and most of all for your wonderful advice.  I have been so stressed all day until I could come here andd talk.....Tavian is doing fine, I asked him tonight if he was still upset and he hugged me and said "no, mi-mi, i'm ok"....LET THE SMACK DOWN ON GRANDMA BEGIN!!!!!!   Ok, first I am taking a little time to calm down before I talk to grandma..right now I am too angry and upset to face her.   First things first is that Barry and I have full custody, we say what happens, where he goes, who with etc, so grandma better remember that because we DO NOT have to let him go there.....the final custody paper's only have her in there because of her son, she had to be present during visitations, not allowed to make any major decisions without consulting us first. We can stop the visitations any time we want and she would have to take us to court to get visitations with him.....BRING IT ON !!!  I know in my heart that she loves Tavian but she has a different way of thinking then we do, she thinks when Tavian is with her then we are not to be concerned with what she does, ask her no questions, no contact...it is her time with him.....she told me that she does not ask me questions about what we do here as it is our business so we need to do the same with her...WRONG AGAIN.......when you tell Tavian you have a "surprise for him" and you take him to a jail for a visit with DD.....well that is quite surprise huh.....I had talked to her quite some time ago, I told her that I knew something was going on with her son but it was not something we had to talk about if she didn't want to, but if there was something she wanted to tell Tavian then I needed to know so we were both on the same page......that did not work out so well did it????   On top of everything else, Tavian took his nintendo with him to grandma's, when he came home at least 12 of his games are missing from the case.....I asked him what happened and he said his little cousin got into them and when he asked Grandma to help him find them she said "do not ask me to find them, they are your's and if you lose them it's your fault and if you say anything more about it I will throw your nintendo in the garbage",  so I told Tavian I would call grandma and tell her I wanted them back and he got so upset and said "no, mi-mi, grandma told me I could not call her and ask for them so please don't call her"..........what is wrong with this woman??? Well, bottom line is she will go by MY RULES or she WILL NOT have any visitations and visitations will be cut to once a month from Friday after school to Sunday afternoon.  NEVER TELL TAVIAN TO LIE TO ME OR KEEP A SECRET...IT IS THE SAME THING AND IT IS TOO MUCH FOR HIM OR ANY CHILD TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH, HE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!!!       Wow, I am so glad I have this place to talk.....and I have done some talking tonight but you all just bring it out of me........thank you so much for letting me get it out.     I will think on your advice Dan...a very wise man.

Dee - thanks, I will talk to the counselor at school, Tavian goes to what is called Banana Splits....they meet once a week and talk about their feelinGs...children who have lost a parent ot parents are divorcing...I will talk to them......thank you so much for that info....I did not even think about it as I have been so angry.......my wise, wise friend...

Greg - HOB LOB = HOBBY LOBBY..........thank you......

Amanda - I am in love with Ashton, what a beautiful baby he is and what a beautiful family you are....I love the pic's, keep them coming.  

LORRIE - IF I LOOKED LIKE YOU THE PAPPARAZZI COULD TAKE ALL THE PIC'S THEY WANT - YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.....INSIDE AND OUT....

I got in touch with a woman last night on FB, she lives not far from me and lost her 19 year old son Travis in a car accident almost 2 years ago. It was nice to talk to her and I am going to give her our Indigo's site......maybe she will join us.

Susannah - try not to be so hard on yourself, it was very diffacult for me when we first lost jessica having to deal with a 4 year old, trying to explain where his mommy went and then trying to be all that he needed me to be....i failed many times, became as you said "a shell of who I once was" but Jessica and God held my hand and gave me the strength I needed to do what I had to do......the melt down times came when I was alone, when Tavian was asleep or at daycare...I sometimes felt as though I never "grieved for my Jessie the way other people did because all of my energy went into Tavian...but there was no choice and grieving comes in many different ways......I now know that without Tavian with me I would not be where I am today......baby steps my friend and I bet if you put the music on and start dancing you just might find yourself having a little fun....it is ok.

I am very tired tonight so am going to read for a bit and maybe I will sleep tonight.

Thanks again my friends and Bless you all.

[jobaby]

Don't know the complete history of what is going on but I am very happy for you that it seems like things are going better..  Be strong.  Ok started reading history and maybe it is not so much better but with custody I hope things will get better. It is a very hard situation and it sounds like you are being the adult and reasonable person.  No person should ever use a child against anyone in any situation. You obviously are a very strong and compassionate person.

[lolynbo]

AMANDA I WILL BE RIGHT OVER IN MY PJS TO KISS ON HIM HE IS A ROUND ONE...SOOOOO FRICKIN CUTE....YOUR SO LUCKY TO BE BLESSED 2 SWEET BOYS AND AN ANGEL....TO KEEP THEM SAFE

[lostwoher]

Good evening Indigos! Wow, if I was to post a single message to each of you then it would turn into a novel. Dont worry, I wont/cant do that to you. Just wanted to stop in to say hello and wish everybody well. I do read daily/nightly to try to somewhat keep up. Im with you all thru your trials and tribulations no matter how good or bad it may be.

Ive been down for 2 days with the worse head cold ever. Im not one to get sick so this is kicking my butt. I blame it on our trip to Minnesota over the weekend. It was so cold but so great to be able to get away. Took in my first professional football game ( vikings vs bears), first train ride, and was able to get 8 autographs from retired viking players while at the Mall of America. It was AMAZING.    I have the day off tomorrow and am thinking I will stay in my jammies and not do much of anything.

Be safe, warm/cool and know that Im here.

Love & hugs to ALL,

Lynn  aka Travis & Kayla's mom; then, now and forever

[ericasmom]

CAROL< thanks so much and wow! You are right, Shell is adorable in her dance/Christmas outfit. NOw when I scrolled up, there she was attached to Sue's latest post. So I am unsure if my machine is just a reflection of me (slow processing) or if it is something more technical but it takes me much longer to change.You are so dear to do that Sweetie.

Carol, so glad that the outcome of today is good. Tell when you can.

AMANDA, those photos are fabulous, really beautiful. I am so glad that your family is joyous, that you are home again and that Ashton is home in all of you.I agree with Susannah, He is beautiful, gorgeous, and I want to hold him and bury my nose in his little neck.

Go-- moshing Claudia.

I have a mosh story but too tired tonight.

Kath, I would not let him stay with Grandma at all, I might let her have supervised visits once per month, she knows how you feel and still broke the rules of the agreement, she kept him from you last spring for several days of not knowing where he was...she kept him from saying goodbye to his teacher adn his classmates which kept him from developmentally important times, and then to present his Dad being in jail as I have a surprise for you...well she is not appropriate with this little boy. She is harming his level of trust, his level of safety, she is damaging his sense of right and wrong...I thing that she is a loose cannon Kathy. Please excuse me for talking about this when you did not ask for more, I just feel very strongly that she is a bad person to allow alone time.

Lynn, so good to see you here, take care of that cold. Kids in class hang on to the cough part of this cold, so stay hydrated adn do stay in your jammies.

Sherry, thanks so much. That poem cried out of me as I wrote it.

Love to Everyone here,

dee

[jobaby]

Erica's Mom,  I was unaware I had to label who I was speaking with so I do not believe you got my messages.  I am learning.  Your responce to me meant a lot. Really.  Tomorrow will be a year since Charlie passed.  I think I am holding up pretty good. It still seems like it just happened tho.  I decided to go ahead and work tomorrow so I can keep my mind on other things. Anyway just wanted to say thank you for letting me vent to ya'll

[mikesmum]

Wow a year, my heart to you on the Charlies Angelversary.  It flies by yet it seems though we are anchored in suspended time to that last day.......

Moshpiters - oh you guys are scary!   I watched respectfully from my seat. Thank goodness I was with Mikes mate Mike (yep it does get confusing) who is a quad in a wheelchair....my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

Kathy - you know my heart where this issue is concerned.  I would like to know by whose authority did grandma get permission to take Tavian to the prison?  Breath deeply and as you say take a minute.  Trying to see it from her side, I understand her wanting to have her son and grandson together, but she needs to understand there is a process.   As for the Nintendo games - Bullshit.  He went with those games he comes home with those games - cousins or not.  If he was irresponsible and just lost them that another story, but this Granma sounds like a nightmare in the areas of responsibility, action and consequence. 

Sue - So glad your friend has had a rethink.  May you be able to see this historical clip and though there will be tears, there will be your baby girl too....

Amanda - You have such a beautiful boy, and judging by your 'past efforts' its genetic!  Love that new born smell, the one after bathtime, not the poopy one (lol).  I'll be showing Mal, he is about to experience a newborn grandbaby on Mon.

Tired beyond belief today.  Meltdown in the car lasting for longer than usual.  Think it was a song on the radio but either way the tears fell.  Amazingly everyone was sooo busy no one asked if I was okay.......oh well.....

Nite Indigo's....

[jobaby]

Mikesmum,  thank you for angelversary..  Never heard it put like that.  It is very much like still being there.  This time last year I was calling him every hour wondering why he was not answering.  Just thought it was Charlie being Charlie.  Little did I know.  He was not found til Dec. 3rd at 1:02 p.m. but I know in my heart he had passed many hours earlier.  Thank you for your support 

[mikesmum]

Similar for us.  Mike rang and left a msg the afternoon before.  I was to ring him back on my first break the next day.  As I left the dispatch terminal for that very break, his address came up on screen as a cardiac arrest.  Never got to speak to him again....Angelversary isn't mine, its something from here that makes it easier to say.  Thoughts with you.  Trudi

[jobaby]

Trudi,  now I now how to address you.  I'm Joline most people just call me Jo.  Luckily or unluckily my boyfriend is a fireman so he was able to contact people concerning the circumstances.  Unfortunately several people were told about my son's death before my parents and I were contacted.  I got a phone call at work from a family friend that he had heard my son was "not doing well"  when I asked what he meant he informed me that a mutual friends son told his mother that Charlie's roommate had found him dead that morning.  Needless to say I was stunned.  I phoned my father and within 15 minutes I was told by him that Charlie was dead.  It then took what it seems forever for my boyfriend to confirm that the fire dept. was called, 911, and he had been gone for awhile.  The police nor the coroner attempted to contact me or my family in the 5 hours that I was trying to figure out what was going on.  Finally, that evening we got ahold of coroners office who confirmed.  He was so nice to say he was planning on calling us shortly.  Sorry a little bit of sarcascim... That felt good to get out.  Anyway!!  Big day at work in the a.m. so I should try and sleep.  Once again I can not begin to thank you.... I really actually do feel a lil better

[Guest]

Hello Indigo's.

I can't sleep so I thought I'd check in.

jobaby - I don't know what to say as you walk through the one year anniversary since Charlie passed.  "Angelversary".  I like that too.  What a horrible way for you to find out your son had died.  I don't suppose there is a good way, though.  I do wish it had been more gentle for you.   I relive the events of the day we got the call over and over again, as I'm sure you do.  Every act of kindness, or lack thereof, is remembered.  I'm glad you're here to share your sorrow with us.

I've read that friendship doubles your joy and divides your sorrow.  I don't know about the divide part, but it sure does help.  And, I sure do share in the joy of little Ashton.  There's another little boy in the picture at the hospital, Amanda.  Is he your son, too?

Tina, my grandchildren's perpetrator, entered her change of plea yesterday.  Next will be sentencing.  There will be a pre-sentencing investigation, first.  It was kind of a bittersweet event.  Glad to have it done and sad that it happened. 

I woke thinking of Stephanie this morning.  And Michelle!  "Shellbell" kept going through my mind.  Not sure if it means anything, but it was clear as day.  There was laughter in the feelings.

I'll check back later this morning.  I'm going to try to get some sleep. 

Sending all you Indigo's love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[jobaby]

Susannah  probably did not get name correct.  Sorry.  Can't sleep either.  Should tho.  My boss will just love me in the morning....  Hey but at least I show up. People have been coming out of the woodwork the past couple days because of the fact that it is Charlie's Angelversary... I like that a lot more than oh the day he died. I appreciate what my friends are trying to do but it kinda makes it harder.  I work in the service industry and have a xmas party for 45 people thursday plus the bar and the rest of the restaurant to deal with I really have tried to explain to peopl that I am gratefull for their support but today is not the day to bring it all up.  It is going to be hard enough without having to deal with people talking. I hope I don't sound ungratefull. I know people are just trying to help.  I really should try and sleep.  I am just being kinda selfish today.

[Guest]

It's a hard time, Jo.  On one hand I'm upset people don't ask about my Stephanie more but on the other hand I want to be in charge of who, when and how they talk about her.  I can tell you this, it's hard to be my friend right now.  That's why I like this group of Indigo's so much.

My friends are damned if they do and damned if they don't. 

You sound like a banquet waitress.  Are you?  Hard work!! 

You got my name perfect!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

I'm going to try to go back to sleep.  I hope you can get some rest, too, Jo. 

 

[mysonrich]

Good morning BI, looking at Trudi's pictures brought back some memories of my own. After talking to my mom one day I realized that we were carrying on a tradition. I'll call this Christmas Pajamas. Each Christmas Eve my kids, Sarah and Rich, would get a bath and were each allowed to open their Christmas Eve gift. Each one received Christmas pajamas. I did this every year and for some reason they both guessed what the gift was before they opened them. Go figure  Last year I ordered a lot of things online. I waited at the door for the UPS/USPS person. Christmas Eve was fast approaching and it seems each day I would receive an email, " out of stock". Very inconvenient as I had to travel soon. Well, last year Rich's Christmas PJ's arrived but I didn't have time to mail them to him. Sarah didn't get Christmas PJ's last year, :?, but she will this year. So here is a pic of us with them both in Christmas PJ's. And the robe I am wearing in the pic is the same color of the robe that Rich gave me last year.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

 

 

 

 

[mysonrich]

Jo, may you feel Charlie close by, on his angelversary.

[ericasmom]

Charilie Dear, Fly freely and let your peace fall like snowflakes onto your Momma, Grandad, and Grandmom. Let them feel your presence so that they know you are with them on this journey.

Joline, what a pretty name. I am so sad to hear the way the coroner handled the very saddest news in your life. My goodness, when folks behave as though they are telling us that our check bounced or something...IT IS OUR CHILDREN YOU IDIOTS. Sorry I am reacting to your story.

May this day be filled with heart and the love that has directed your life.

Dee

[ericasmom]

Betsy, thanks for sharing that photo, thanks to everyone for your Christmas photos. I will try this weekend, no time right now.

Rich sure does favor you in this photo Betsy, both of your Kids seem to have your coloring and pretty smile.

Thinking of you Deary.

[ericasmom]

Susannah, yep, sometimes people asking feels like fingernails on a chalkboard, and yet, thank heavens that some people ask. Blessings for you in the days ahead, I know it must be hard figuring it all out for the kids, same to Leah, making sure that Christmas goes along well for the kids, all that are taking care of kids...

Remember that putting away your grief does not mean not acknowledging it. Trying to go forward without fully allowing grief is a brick wall. A delicate balance of both stepping fresh into the day and allowing the broken heart in your chest to go through the process of grief...but an important balance as the kids too will need to find that same kind of balance only on kids time.

Blessings,

dee

[Guest]

Thank you Dee. 

I hope you got some sleep, Jo.  I got a couple more hours.  You will be in my thoughts as you trudge through today.

What a wierd night.  "Wierd" isn't the right word...

Waking up to "Shellbells" and coming to Beyond Indigo.  I've never ventured outside of Loss of an adult child, but last night (or early morning) I decided to look at the other forums.  And, right there was Shellbellsmom's post in "Tell us about your child". 

I thought I was having some kind of psychic connection.  So, I sat there, in the dark, waiting.  Nothing.  I'm still not psychic.

But, for some reason, I can't seem to find the same thread this morning.  Wierd.  I'm sorry, Michelle's mom....your name escapes me (again).  But, thinking of your little girl last night brought a sparkle to my heart and a smile to my face.  I hope that brings some comfort to you.  Beats me why she would connect with me (if, in fact, she did) but it was sure beautiful!

Blessings!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Sue, I'm so glad your friend had a change of heart about the Time Capsule. That is a bit of a relief. My heart to you as you review its contents...

Kathy, I may be off, but it sounds like Tavian FEARS his other grandma. To plead with you to not call her about his Nintendo games... I don't know ANY kid that not do just about anything to get his or her cherished toys back. I think the issue is more serious even that is being discussed. She sounds like a person who is emotionally abusive, and relationships should NOT be rooted in fear.

Jo, Thinking of you today as your heart mourns and remembers the good times as well today, on Charlie's Angelversary, and always.

Betsy, I used to follow the same Christmas Pajamas tradition with my boys. As they got older it became Joe Boxers or Sweats, but it was always a treasured memory to store up. I'm so thankful to have memories like that! Great picture of you with your precious little ones!!!

Blessings to ALL!!! xoxoxo ~Claudia

[briansdad]

Went shopping last night for Brian. Bought a  toy truck with a bassboat and trailer at Bass Pro Shop. He loved to play fishing when he was little.Then I bought him a St Louis Blues Hockey T-shirt. Had a good time because it rained here and no one was at the mall.I like still shopping for Brian.Tonight at our BP meeting we will give the gifts to one of our parents to take to a childrens home for Xmas.

Take Care

Greg

[4everjoeysmom]

I love your new tradition, Greg. I remember it from last year. It's a beautiful way to honor Brian, blessing a kid who's here and needs to feel remembered.

[shorty16]

Greg

You are an awesome father.  You are still a father to Brian, you will always be his father.

I too love the new tradition.

We put up our fake 6ft Christmas tree w/lights, but it has no decorations on it.  Michelle cried when she saw it.  Like we are moving on and leaving Brian behind.  Can't seem to decorate that darn tree.

Colleen

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen:  Perhaps decorating the tree might be a way of moving forward WITH Brian, since all of the decorations were a part of his life, also, and he is right there with you as you are carrying on this family event/tradition.  But, of course, this has to be a decision that you make in your own time, when you feel it is right.  My heart goes out to you and your family.

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Sue - I hope I got the name right.  I apologize for not looking before I posted in the first place.

Thank you all for being here and your responses to me when I can't respond to you personally.  It really does mean a lot!

 

[mikesmomrs]

Well, here is my post from my "big non-day" in the surgical unit (lol), but I just wanted to share this story with you all...and please keep this lady and her family in your prayers...

Well, I did go to the hospital for the surgery.  I did get prepped for the surgery.  I was, for some reason, really anxious about this, much more so than other surgeries.  Eventually, I got sick to my stomach, so they held things off for a few minutes.  Meantime, the nurse who was assisting me, (questions, IV prep, etc.) and I were talking.  During our conversation, something came up that prompted hubby to mention Mike and that we had lost him to cancer.  She filled up instantly, became very emotional.   She took a minute to breathe again,  and said “We have a nurse here who recently lost her daughter; it is just so terrible.”  I asked if she got a lot of support from the people she works with.  “Oh, yes, we are all very supportive.”    We talked a little more about the process, and the grief, etc.   In the middle of all of this, I mentioned Mike’s memorial site.  I told her how therapeutic that was for me—that I could immerse myself for hours, sometimes all night long, and felt so close to him, felt like I was telling some of his story, etc., putting it down so it wouldn’t be forgotten, so HE wouldn’t be forgotten.  She said that sounded so wonderful, and asked me for the information (website address).   I was telling her how difficult it was when people try to “bring you back to normal,” etc., and that that just doesn’t work.  She was so empathetic towards us and her friend…it was so nice to see, actually.  

I then told her about BI and how it has helped so many of us, and that it is the one area where you can feel understood and free to express your feelings, and she wrote down the name.  Well, she left my area, as my doc had arrived.  I was telling my doc that I was a lot better since she saw me on Monday and she said she wanted to reassess the need for surgery.  (this was 5 minutes before the schedule time for the surgery).  She did the reassessment, and said that since my white blood count was down and things looked better, she thought it would be okay to not do the surg, and she would reassess on Friday.  YAY, YIPPEE, YAY!!!! She cried; I cried; she gave me a wonderful, loving bear hug (she is a most understanding person, who knows about Mike, and I have been seeing her for 15 years or so)… I thought hubby was going to get wet cheeks also, but he held it in til she left…  So, I got dressed, they took out the IV, etc., and I was getting ready to leave.  Just then, my nurse came in again.  She was very happy for me that I was not needing the surgery, at least not today, and hugged me, thanking me so much for the info that I had given to her.  I had this indescribable feeling come over me, and without even realizing I was going to say it, I said “You know, I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and I don’t always learn or know what those reasons are, but I can’t help but feel that perhaps I was supposed to be here today, and give you this information.   I told her how we on BI feel that we were led to that site by our children---that we all seem to “fit” together, and even people who come on new eventually, if not immediately, feel as though they should be there, they feel comfortable and comforted there; understood.  I also gave her permission to give her friend my phone number.   Perhaps I was supposed to give this information to her for her friend…who knows.  Is it a stretch?  Perhaps, but I have always said that I don’t believe in coincidences.  And I don’t know how this one will play out…maybe her friend will not look into the information I gave her, maybe she will.  Did God give me this problem so I could go there?  I truly don’t think so, but perhaps God led me to this woman, through my problem, to give her this info.  By the way, Tuesday, while I was doing all those errands, (and getting better as I was out and about) when I first went out, saw a red VW right away, right behind a yellow one (which is hubby’s color, as well as a reminder of sweet Bethany), and then I saw THREE more red ones between then and when I went home, including one at the shopping center we first went to, which is one that I have only been to once before.  I guess Mike was telling me that he was with me. 

So, bottom line, I didn’t have my surgery, hopefully Friday I will still be showing improvement, and eventually this woman who is grieving and mourning the loss of her precious daughter will reach out …

I truly appreciate all of your thoughts of good wishes and prayers.  It is always so good to know that we can come here and receive the support and caring that we sometimes need.  Thank you all so very much.

love and peace, Carol  mikesmomrs

[shellbellsmom]

Oh Susannah (catchy tune) what a surprise to hear about you thinking about my Michelle (Shellbell) yesterday upon waking up and feeling laughter.  I’ve always heard our children can come through others and she knows I come on here daily to read posts from others maybe it was her way of being funny- She was always messing with me,  and going in your head- Susannah rather than mine- Suzanne (so she missed a few letters….she always was a poor speller) was her way of introducing herself.  And who knows maybe she is hanging out with your Stephanie- she always was a social butterfly.  The link I posted about her can be found here; “Tell us about your deseased child” http://beyondindigo.com/forums/view_topic.php?id=872&forum_id=2

Jo wishing you peace today as you go through today with such sad memories of last year at this time.  I know its hard to do, but keep the happy memories in front of any sad ones.  Sometime when you get around to it we would love to see pictures of your Charlie and hear more of about your amazing child that left this earth way too soon.

Greg how wonderful to shop for your Brian and then brighten up some child’s Christmas morning by your thoughtfulness.  Brian is surely smiling down on you.   

Carol- thanks for posting Michelle’s avatar for Dee to see- love seeing her picture.  She was such a happy child. 

Betsy love your Christmas Blast from the past pictures of your kids on Christmas morning sitting on your lap.  I bet you cherish those memories and wish the clocks would just turn back to the good ole days.

Colleen hoping you find the strength to put up the ornaments with your Michelle.  I cried as I did mine especially seeing all the ones we bought for our children.  We actually bought a new tree  as my husband just couldn’t bear to put up the one we had for 21 years of her life. 

Today I am in the “its not really true” mode.  After looking for some pictures to post, my mind just is saying “it can’t be real…she’s just away for awhile”.  Here are some of my Christmas pictures of my precious angel.

[align=center]

[/align]

Here is a larger picture of Michelle in her dance costume. She's in the 4th grade. 

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[align=center] I think Michelle was probably 2nd grade here. 

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[align=center][/align][align=center]Christmas morning with the Christmas PJ's....what I would do for those days back once again.  [/align]

  Wishing everyone a peaceful day- Sue (Suzanne) Michelle (Shellbells Mom) 

[shellbellsmom]

Carol missed you post before.  I totally agree- things do happen for a reason and there are no coincidences.  You and the nurse were probably suppose to be there as a messenger for the new grieving mother.  I also agree that us finding this site was meant to be a comfort for us all.  Probably a little gift from our angels.  Hope all continues to improve with your health. Sue

[briansdad]

Carol,

 

I believe you’re so right about being directed to places so you can help.

I don’t remember if I shared this story. I was having a terrible day a few years ago and had the urge to go to the Angel of Hope to see Brian’s brick. As I walked up to the Angel I sat down on the wall and was soaking in the memories. These two ladies walked up and one was crying uncontrollably. I didn’t say anything. She looked at me and asked if all these bricks are children. I told her yes children of all ages. Then I showed her Brian’s brick. I asked her if she had lost a child. She started tell me what had happened and couldn’t so her friend who had brought her finished for her. It was so terrible. He was only three. I gave her my name and phone # and e-mail address and told her to call me any time. I would forward her newsletters and what ever I thought would help her over the months. We had a BP USA Gathering in St Louis which I told her about and she was there. I almost didn’t recognize her. She looked much better. She told me how much I had helped her. She told other friends of mine that I had saved her life. Anyway I believe I was guided to the angel that day. The right place at the right time.

Here is little Ben’s site I made for her.

http://benjamin-gollihur.memory-of.com/About.aspx 

Greg

PS,  Our Angel of hope candle light is this weekend. If any of you want a copy of the book the Christmas Box  PM me your address and I will send you one. They give them out free there.

[mikesmomrs]

Joline:  Thank you so much for sharing your Charlie with us…we all know how difficult it can be, but we also know that we want the world to know and to remember our beautiful children, and there is no better way to bring that about than by sharing them with others…the pain, the joy, the beauty, it is all there, and will be forever. 

CHARLIE:   Please surround your precious mom with love and sweet memories today, your angelversary. 

Trudi:  I hope that you had a good start to your Christmas shopping.  I know that your grandies will truly appreciate your efforts and you will enjoy their enjoyment, for sure.  I wish I could be with you and we could shop together, like in MN.   I still can’t do the mall here…Mike worked there part time, after his day job, for over 4 years…there were so many times we had to drive him to work because he had had seizures and had lost his license.  (You have to be seizure-free for six months before they give it back.)  Going there is still just too painful even now; I don’t go unless I REALLY have to. 

Claudia:  I am so glad that everything is okay, and I am glad that fire extinguishers and alarms are next up on the shopping list.   Speaking of “shopping lists,” any news about the Christmas baskets…I haven’t read anything lately, perhaps I’ve missed the post?  The last thing I remember is your saying that things hadn’t been settled about it yet…and I don’t recall how we did it last year…I think we just went on to the website for your organization, didn’t we?  Please update us if you can…thank you Claudia. 

Amanda:  You and hubby make beautiful babies…Ashton is just so precious…give him hugs and love from all of us, and a hug to that special big brother, Cameron.   Thank you so much for the pics of pure love.   

Betsy/Sue:  Signs that we missed….oh, a horror-driven road to go down!   Regrets are many…guilt is an ever-present shadow…lurking, just waiting for the opportunity to swing into action.  When we took Mike to the ER and he was diagnosed with that day with the brain tumor, I can still hear the ER nurse when she looked hubby and I and said “I can’t believe you waited this long to bring him in.”   How did she know the facts?  How did she know that he had just started a new job, 10-12 hours a day, new marriage, new baby, new meds, side effects…all “reasons” for his shakiness, sleepiness, weight loss (he was lifting 50 lb bags of roofing material for those 10-12 hours a day and attributed the weight loss to that.  So did we.  How did WE know that he had a tumor in his head the size of a grapefruit?!!?!?!?!  Even though I think sometimes that I’ve put that day to rest, still it comes back---word for word, breath for breath. 

Sue:  I am so sorry that you are having to bring up all those difficult, heartbreaking memories of Shell’s illness…but if they help to lessen the pain in the long run, then I guess it is worth it now…I hope that you see progress soon.  I am glad that you have your support group to talk with and process some of it.  I was also glad to read of your friend’s phone call about the video…I know that has relieved your stress greatly…you should have had the say, and now you do…I realize that the “rules” were made last year, but it was nice to see that at least someone understood that for people on our unasked-for journey, the “rules” no longer apply…  I loved Michelle’s popping in to visit Susannah!   And the pics of her are just beautiful, thanks for sharing such joy!

Greg:  the way you celebrate Brian’s Christmas is awesome…a loving tribute to your wonderful son.  I am going to present this idea to the group we attend and see what happens with it.  Even if they don’t go with it, since it is so close to our meeting which is next Monday, I think we will do it on our own, anyway.  It just personalizes the gift so much more.  Brian is so proud of you, Greg, and is smiling with you all the time.    Thank you for sharing your story of the woman in the Angel Garden..I think there are many ways that we are presented to connect with others on the same road as we are…it was a blessing to her that you were there that day, and I am so glad that you later learned of how much you helped her. 

Betsy:  I love the pic of you with your kids in the Christmas PJ’s, and I agree, both of your children favor you…and as Dee said, have your pretty smile. 

Kathy:  Your anger has been very well justified, and I am with Trudi in that I would kind of like to know by whose permission she took Tavian to see DD…to take a child to visit someone requires a signed doc**ent from the custodial parent…I wonder how this was presented?  You are in my prayers for wisdom in knowing how to handle with without bringing further hurt and sadness to Tavian…and as Claudia said, it sounds as if Tavian is afraid of her, or at least fears upsetting her.  Too, too much of a burden for one so young, but you know that already, Kathy, and we just want you to know that we are with you, and praying for you, and for Tavian

Lynn:  Wonderful to see Kayla’s beautiful pic…glad you enjoyed your football game, but so sorry you are sick.  Hoping you will be up on your feet again soon.

Bonnie, Marcia, sending love and hoping all is well with you both...Marcia---hope the healing is speeding up...

Susannah and Leah...you both amaze me...you are going through so much...I am so glad that you are here; though, of course, sad that there is a reason for you to be here.  Susannah, another hurdle passed with plea entering...  Also, you are so right about the "dividing of the sorrow," it surely happens here.  And the doubling of the joy, as well. 

Well, believe it or not, here in northern new England it is 70 degrees today!   I am going to try to take advantage of it and put the Christmas lights up outside.   Mike loved the outside lights, and he always liked the porch being “Christmasy.”  I have a small tree that we put on our new porch last year, with tiny white lights, and it snowed before Christmas, so it really did look pretty, and I know he was smiling about it.   My decorating is accompanied by many memories, and sometimes many tears, but I know that it is what Mike wants us to do.  Last year, we had just moved in here the first of November, so it was truly difficult to do anything…I still had boxes I hadn’t unpacked!  But, at the last minute, I got my butt in gear, and put some things around…we even finally got “Mike’s tree” which we had been planning to do, a little tree just for him, which everyone put something on it that they associated with their relationship with Mike.  When Cathi and Mike’s friends came over for dinner a few days before Christmas, they all said it was so beautiful and actually made them feel even more than usual that Mike was right there with us.  So, when I want to just leave the boxes in the closet, that is what I think of.  Hopefully, it will work again.

I hope everyone has a nice day today.

Beth, Zachy’s mom…how are you doing…are you okay?  All of those who haven’t posted in a while…Kay, Lori, Dale, and Cindy, Enid, Val, Shelly,Pat,Sonya, please know we are thinking of you as these holidays bring about so many bittersweet memories, tears, and moments of having to find our breath again…bittersweet though they are, it is wonderful to have these memories, to have been blessed with our angels for whatever time we had them…they are a huge part of our heart, forever. 

Love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Greg

What a beautiful story.  Knowing the grief process as I do now, you probably did save her life.

Amazing.

Stories like these should go into a book of hope for us parents.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Indigo's

AJ has his first wrestlin meet at home this evening, starting a 5pm CT.

The Hollnagels will be there.  I am preparing myself to enjoy my son's meet and not let my thoughts wander to "Why is Mike alive and Brian is dead."

Please pray for me that my heart softens and eventually understands that the lives of these 2 boys will go on.  I need to be happy for them instead of full of anger.

The anger is getting softer, but OH SO SLOWLY!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmum]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Indigo's

AJ has his first wrestlin meet at home this evening, starting a 5pm CT.

The Hollnagels will be there.  I am preparing myself to enjoy my son's meet and not let my thoughts wander to "Why is Mike alive and Brian is dead."

Please pray for me that my heart softens and eventually understands that the lives of these 2 boys will go on.  I need to be happy for them instead of full of anger.

The anger is getting softer, but OH SO SLOWLY!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen - It  is hard to see others go on while our kids have left.  But I know you are good of heart, you truly wouldn't wish the pain you have in your heart on another.

Slowly but surely you will come to that place where your heart softens. While it might be hard Brian will be there with you.  I wish AJ all the luck tonight (today). 

Lyn - sorry you've been down with a cold.  We are about to get another wave of swine flu here, hoping to miss it again!

Susannah - I admire your strength and calm as you face the upcoming court appearances.  That strength and calm will set a strong future for your grandbabies.  Never worry about the 'names'.  Its hard and then there is Carol & I who confuse most being both Mikesmom and Mikesmum.

Sue - They are just beautiful pics.  She is cute and by the looks talented too.

Betsy - Are Christmas PJ's part of the tradition in the US?  I remember Bonnie posting a Christmas picture of Jay and the family all in tartan PJ's.  I love that picture, another part of Rich's story - many thanks for sharing....so cute sitting there with his sis.

Greg - The "pay if forward" is something moreson from Bonnie. She sent a book and in it was a note - "A Random Act of Kindness" in memory of Jason Holloway.  I love that idea of buying for Brian and passing it on.  You truly have the spirit of honouring your boy and pay it forward in many ways.

Carol - Yep, Mike was there leading you to someone who needed to know its okay at some level.  Glad you had a nice day out without the bonus of surgery!!!!

Wish me well guys.  There is a breaky in town for ambos of the local branches.  Yep the guys who attended Mike.  I used to come off nightshift and do breakie and coffee with these guys often.  Now I struggle. They talk jobs, fatals etc......maybe will walk with Muttley to the Cafe....

Bonnie,, Marcia - hope you guys are okay - know that this is really hard at this time of year...you are always in my thoughts.  Thinking of Jay and Bethany - Stunningly gorgeous kids bought into this world by amazingly strong people!!!

Trudi

 

 

 

[Guest]

Trudi - what, may I ask, is a "breaky"?  Wishing you luck as you gather with old friends.  Walking with Muttley will give you an excuse to leave if it becomes too much.

Colleen - I can't imagine being in your shoes tonight.  Because of AJ you probably can't come up with an excuse to miss tonight's wrestling event.  I certainly understand your anger.  It's just such a sad situation for everyone.  By all appearances, it might seem like those two boys lives are going on, but I would bet money a huge piece of them died with Brian that night.  The full impact of that night might not manifest itself in their lives fully for years to come.  Just as their presence is a reminder to you of your loss.........your presence is also a reminder to them of your loss.  And, no matter what rationalization is made, Mike knows in his heart he is responsible. 

I will keep you in my prayers.

Well, my day had a promising beginning, but I crashed with sadness about 8am.  I managed to get the kids off to school and take Jonathon to his counseling appt and then we came home.  I allowed Jonathon to have a picnic of cheese, ham, juice and crackers in the living room, watching cartoons, while I slept in the chair for about 30 minutes. 

As I sit here, feeling adequately guilty, I realize there are really only two times I feel total relief from Stephanie's death.  When I am sleeping and when I'm in this chair, wrapped in my electric blanket, typing to you all.  Well, not TOTAL relief...but "can live with" grief. 

Jonathon loved it.  He raided the halloween candy bowl!  :dude:

Love to all of you. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotsauce]

JOLINE, i hope you can find sosme comfront in today, on your son's angel day.  i hope you fell CHARLES love all around you. 

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[4everjoeysmom]

Here is a recap of last year's Christmas Basket project that my husband and I did through the mission we founded here in Ecuador. Many BI parents contributed in honor of their children and it was such a blessing for us all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puy708i7ghE

We're reaching out for 2009 now, to offer poor families in our rural area of Ecuador a Christmas Chicken as well as enough dry goods, grains, and essential sanitary products to meet a families needs for 2-3 weeks, maybe longer. Each basket will, like last year, be roughly 50# and will cost $50. Donations of $10 up to equal $50 will be pooled to make one basket. Funds may be made out and sent to:

Pathways International (NC), Inc

624 Holly Springs Rd, #222

Holly Springs, NC 27540

or made directly on our ministry web site using Google Checkout at http://pathwaysinternational.org/

Thanks all for your consideration and for checking out our slideshow of last year's Christmas blessings.

xoxoxo

Claudia (4EverJoeysMom)

[Guest]

I read these quotes today...

"I know I'm paranoid.  But, am I paranoid enough?"

"Maybe things would have turned out differently if I would have just forwarded those chain emails."

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[cameronsmom1]

Colleen, I received your package today, thank you so much!! When he gets big enough to wear it I will post a picture of him in it. Thank you for thinking of me!!

And thanks to everyone that has posted comments. I have been having so much fun just loving on him I just don't want to ever put him down. He is such a blessing and I couldn't be happier. I will post pictures as often as I can so you can watch him grow with me!!

 

Amanda

[Guest]

This is a picture of Stephanie on a picnic with her kids a couple of years ago.  I hope it posts.

[lostwoher]

Lost my original post so will try to do this one more time.

Didnt stay in my jammies like the original plan today but sure am having a difficult time staying awake. Sleep is best to beat a cold tho right? I had to venture out in the cold to buy a new plate sticker for my vehicle which expired 11/30- oops. Sure was a cold one today but it was nice to see the sun for even the brief periods it appeared.

Glad to see how some of you are in the spirit of giving this holiday season. The only giving I will be doing is joining with my coworkers to 'adopt a needy family' so they can have a decent meal and a few gifts. I just cant do the shopping thing. Too painful still and I dont like how commercial it has become.

Thinking of you all daily,

Lynn

Thanks for sharing the photos of past xmas's. Keep showing them off

Here is the only one I have on my laptop: ( hope it works )

[lostwoher]

Wow! Nice picture of Stephanie and the kiddos   So special

[Guest]

This is a picture of me and Gary 3 yrs ago at the Sturgis bike rally.

 

[heartbeataway]

Amanda,

Look forward to watching the little man grow .......

Colleen,

You don't have to be happy for the two boys. I doubt anyone would expect that of you.

But, I still feel that you will do more by holding your head high and being there for AJ than anything else you can do.

I admire AJ for not giving up and being there. He knows it hurts you guys and he doesn't want that either.

These boys know the elephant in the room up close and personally.  Brian is with you and his spirit is proud of you ....... hold those shoulders up and that head high!

Saturday morning at breakfast, Rich and I had a conversation that was really hard for me.  I know that Jason can't talk to me but I have felt strongly that he's communicating with me.  He's so disappointed in us for giving up and giving in to our grief.  So, we are going to have a tree this year and Gingy will be front and center on it.  We are going to invite folks over ....... for what, I don't know yet but we are going to entertain.  We always did in the past. We are going to a Christmas show.  That was tradition.

I will make homemade cinnamon buns and we will have mimosas and poinsettias for Christmas morning.  We will have outdoor lights.

Most of all we will remember Christmas past.  It may be through tears, it may be through sobs, but I need to feel that Jason is no longer upset with us for giving up on our traditions because he's no longer here.

I want to make him proud of us.  So, tomorrow we are going to look for a Christmas tree.

And I know without a doubt, he will be with us in spirit ..... 

I love, love , love you our boy!

Our last Christmas picture ...... 2006 .....

[mysonrich]

Susannah, I had to respond before I finished reading all the posts. That is too funny, and the chain email, I received one today. delet. Years ago a dear friend would send those awful things. " send this to 10 people or your family will die"...I finally asked her to stop. She did but I always have one to open,off/on from others.

What can I do? Nothing, just let them roll off.

 

Betsy,myson Rich

[mysonrich]

I was going to ask you all this question before but for some reason it has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe just the thought of Rich's angelversary has been thinking of his birthday. Makes no sense I know. My question, if you want to share. What is your childs middle name? My son is Richard Bowden...he hated it for many years but it grew on him . It is his great-great grandfathers middle name and I always liked it.

 

Trudi, Tradition in the US of A ? That is as varied as where our families hail from. After viewing the Christams PJ's of others on BI I would say yes, of us. Maybe something we bring over from the " old country".

 

Carol, I was crying while I read of your non-surgery day. And I think you are absolutly right. You were to be there for a reason.

 

Bonnie,Lynn,Susannah, Sue, beautiful and happy memories . Amanada, new memories. Our children are glowing.

 

Greg, I thought I was weird for wanting to buy Rich a christams gift that I had considered for him last year. I understand now that its ok. I don;t know if I will but what you are doing with Brian in mind and heart is lovely.

 

Claudia, its amazing what one donation will buy and the number of weeks that the gift keeps on giving. And the mosh pit, brave woman. !!

 

Dee, I busy time of year for you . Winter break aka Christmas break is not far away.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

 

[Guest]

Hello Indigo's....

Okay.  Maybe I'm truly insane.  Up and down.  This morning I was so sad.  And, then this evening, going through pictures to post, I got all excited.  It's the best I've felt since Stephanie died. 

Thank you all for that.

I can't find all my current pictures.  I think they're all in the big rubbermade tub in my closet from Stephanie's service. 

I don't think I'm ready to open that tub, again, yet.

I really think our kids brought us all here.  It stands to reason they would know each other. 

Another little tidbit about my Stephanie.  I always called her my "hippy, black child".  It sounds racist and that isn't how it was meant.  She dressed lose and bare foot and could dance.  She could move her neck and hands to the rhthym of her anger while telling you off.   Color of skin never meant anything to her, which is apparent in her children who are three different races.  She would have fit right in at Woodstock. 

She was a rebel in every way except for her love for Jesus.  She would sit down with anyone and talk freely about her past and how she credited her love for Jesus (or his love for her) for changing her life.

In that respect, she was not liberal at all.  Her mother (me), however, is.  I believe anything's possible.  It was comical to witness her preaching at me about Jesus with her neck moving her head, chin stuck out, as if it were double jointed.  We would usually end up laughing together. 

After she died, I read in one of her journals that she was worried for my soul.  She was worried about me.  That's so ironic. 

I can't tell you how many times I tried to prepare myself for news that she had died from an overdose or a violent crime due to her lifestyle.  And, then, she gets her act together and is on her way to a new life and I wasn't worrying (so much) and she gets killed.

I'm at peace with it right now, this minute.  Right now, this moment, I have faith.  I can't promise how I'll be in the next moment.

Thanks for letting me be here.

Keeping Colleen in my prayers at the wrestling match!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia:  thanks for posting the info update.  I hope you double the amount this year of baskets you were able to do last year!

Colleen:  I hope that AJ has a good night at the match, and yes, hold your head up high, girl, you deserve to, and so does AJ.  Go AJ!!!

Susannah, Lynn, love, love the pics of your beautiful girls!  Susannah, your grandies are just adorable!  They will surely keep you hopping this Christmas...Stephanie will be very proud of you and knows that her kids are in good hands.  Great pic of you and Gary...thanks for sharing...you are one hot momma!!

Bonnie:  Tears flow as I read your post...I wondered what that extra feeling of sunshine was around here today---it was sunny and in the low 70's...in NORTHERN NEW ENGLAND, in December, but I believe your Jason's sweet smile of sunshine is bright enough today to light the earth, over your decision!   I know that he is so happy and so proud that you have made this decision...it was just too sad to let all of those wonderful memories and traditions never see the light of day again...yes, there will be tears, but there will be smiles, also, deep down in your heart, where all the scars are, and you will feel his love and his approval, and those scars will soften and fade some...never gone, but faded some.  I am so proud of you!  I can't wait to see "Gingy" front and square, on your beautiful and wonderful Christmas tree..

Amanda:  we will love to follow Ashton with your terrific pics...I am so happy for you!

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Stephanie ELAINE....

nickname "Scruffy".  She was always getting scruffed up as a child and we just called her scruffy and it stuck.

Oh, I'm not so hot.  That picture was a few years ago.  I've aged at least 10 yrs since then.  Just today Jonathon asked me how come I have wrinkles.  :?   And why my skin is so lose.  

Susannah