Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

As an after thought, I just want to say, Somedays I actually feel and act grateful.  And, somedays I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but still grieve the loss of my daughter....and, that grief takes center stage.

 

[hotrod]

Hi Everyone

 

I am trying to get back to sharing and talking here so please forgive me if I miss someone's  message- believe me each has touched my soul and enriched my day.

Sue  I believe in signs and appreciate the message you received today.

Bonnie your question about being grateful made me think. 

I believe I can truly say that I do  feel grateful and sad at the same each day,  Grateful for the many, many gifts in my life and especially grateful for Stephen.

The sadness over the loss has not taken away the gratitude of being his mom and watching him become a man all those years.  I am even grateful for the hard times and that I was able to be there. 

So, Yes I am grateful but sad - before Stephen's passing I was grateful and  filled with joy

I hope that made sense.  It did to me

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[Guest]

Sue - I loved the tribute to Michelle!  Oh, I wish I would have had that song played at Stephanie's service.  It would have been so appropriate. 

I feel guilty for being so cynical about gratitude earlier.  I guess it's just where I am.

Thanks for sharing!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Carol - I also enjoyed reading through Mike's memorial site.  Loved the story about the red volkswagon appearing right after you brushed aside a wish for it.

 

[briansdad]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

I have a question too ...... do any of you have trouble feeling thankful? 

Bonnie,

I always go back to the same question. Would my life had been better if we never had Brian? I get the same answer. No NO NO. So that being said, I'm thankful that he was my son and for our short time together. I'm thankful that I was able to have him 24 years.Many parents on this site weren't that lucky.I'm thankful I didn't have to watch him fight through an illness as many of our friends here did.I thankful he was happy in his life when he died. It wasn't always that way. Do I wish things were different? God yes. Do I slip into despair? Yep! Still do.

I'm like you though, I don't care for the family holiday gatherings because I'm not the same guy I used to be and  I don't want to drag them down. I don't act depressed or anything I just don't joke around like I used to.

Hey I'm thankful for all my friends here!!!! You all get it.We understand one another.

So Thanks to all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[hotrod]

Hey Greg 

 Thank you for the reminder---I too am grateful for all of you!!! You all have saved my life and sanity

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[mysonrich]

Thanksgiving 2008, from Rich

hey you coming to my house for thanksgiving if so be here by 4

And having car trouble, the head gasket, Rich drove 2.5 hours to pick me up and back to his house we went. I felt kind of bad about that. When he offered to pick me up I called him back and asked' do you really want to drive that much on Thanksgiving"? Rich said" Mom, I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to do it" 

One of the things that g/f was po'ed about. She has issues.

 

Greg, Dan, Bonnie, I am thankful for things in my life. I'm thankful in a different way. The last couple of days the tears have flowed again and I feel the dark cloud about me. This cloud is heavy.

 

Claudia, I hope that you aren't hurt to bad. If it were me I'd be upset about my last cup of coffee . This coffee thing runs in the family. But, hope you are on the mend.

 

MaryAnn, that is a beautoful poem. DId you say that you have a place to go on Thanksgiving?

 

Terri, I've decided to accept the invitation to my best buds house. Well, her mothers house were there will be 15 quests. I'm use to big family gatherings so that won"t bother me. What I think might be upsetting is that it is a big family gathering. I told her that at first I was thinking of going to a local church for singles, those that don;t like to cook or are alone. She told me, " you aren't hanging around with strangers all day. Come to my Mom's, we aren't strangers but we are strange".

 

well, I hope I make it through the day ok. or even half the day.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

As far as gratefulness and sadness, I think that we can fit them both in our hears simultaneously, grief will always be with us, as will the joy that our Child brought, that never goes away either. The bitter with the sweet. I agree, would I have been lucky to have never felt this pain? Not if it means that I never would have met Erica.

Friendships that go back 50 years, sisters, nieces and nephews and great ones as well, all joys, friendships that began and continue, formed from the dust of our crushed hearts is definitely something I am grateful for, our friendships.

MaryAnne, I am so glad that you went to the gathering of others who are grieving. It definitely is okay to not do the holidays if you choose not to. But your choice to help out and serve food is a win/win. You will be with folks adn you will be making someone else's life better in honor of your Boy. Lovely.

Lovingly,

dee

[hotsauce]

BESTY,

i have been invitied  over to a few places, but i am going  to volunteer for the day.  that is what BRIAN and i did before he got sick.

mary ann

Brian's momdukes

[hotsauce]

to all at BI

i wished we all lived close to one another, that way on holidays we could all be together , and celebrate, and not have to wonder if we will hurt any one's feelings.

like the big elephant in the room.

 

mary ann

BRIAN's momdukes

[shorty16]

Hi all,

In 2009, I am thankfull no-one I knew died.  2008 sucked-Big-Time for us.

I am thankful I have a home, husband, kids and have found the help of the Lord.

My job is going well and my car still runs.

I do know my file would be so much better if Brian was alive, but he is safe.

Thankful for you-all too

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[4everjoeysmom]

I too am VERY thankful for everyone here...sad for us all because of why we're here, but couldn't ask for better people to have become acquainted with in my grief...

Someone wished me a good Thanksgiving today, and I just briefly explained that I am Thankful it is not recognized here. It will be "just another day", and that is OK with me.

I had a 3-hour nap today....sure needed it. Just had some pizza, (hubby got take-out, yay!), and going to go back to bed to read, watch a video, keep off my feet for the rest of the day. It's been raining all afternoon and still anyway. Good for sleeping!! You all are so sweet to send well wishes. While I'm banged up and sore, I can't help but be grateful when thinking how badly injured Marcia is. Chatted with her yesterday and she mentioned surgery may be likely. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Being immobile has really taken a toll on her spirit....

I'm thinking of you ALL as holiday time is here. It's not the same for any of us, and my heart and prayers lift each one up by name for comfort and moments of peace through this season. XOXOXO

[lostwoher]

Whew! Just read 7 pages of posts from ya'll.  From touching moments to things stupid people say. The one comment said about me was that "one day she is going to wake up and this will hit her", well HELLO! Ive been awake and it hit me the moment I was told my daughter was found dead. I wake every morning with the thought of her. Just comes to show how stupid people there are. I wouldnt have been able to respond either so just walking away is probably best.

Thank you for sharing the poems. So true, so true.

As for Thanksgiving plans, I just made plans about 30 minutes ago. It was going to be a typical day at home with Randy and a nice big meal but now my son Travis and his wife Kristi will be joining us. Usually they stop by briefly but this year they will be here for dinner. I had to have him repeat himself when he said they will be eating with us haha. Im so happy but at the same time my stomach churns. Does that make sence?? We havent had any holiday like this in at least 6 years. Sad but true.

Now I have something new to be thankful for . My family together- minus 1. :?

As much as im not so happy with my job, Im still grateful to have one.

Im thankful for my health ( most days ) haha

Im thankful for the friends who are true

Im oh so very very thankful to All of the wonderful people I have met here at BI. You and your Angels are the BEST. THANK YOU!

Also on thursday I will be visiting Kayla and take her a xmas tree. The girl l-o-v-e-d xmas and decorating so this year she will have a small tree all of her own.

Take care everyone. Love ya all ,

Lynn  aka Travis & Kayla's mom then, now and forever

[lolynbo]

SO WHY IS IT SO HARD?? THE LAST THING KOURTNEY AND I BOUGHT WAS CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS FROM HOBBY LOBBY...MY TREE IS WHITE AND SHE PICKED OUT TURQUISE (SP) DEC...SO I KNEW I HAD TO PUT IT UP LAST YR (1ST YR GONE)...BUT THIS YR I DONT KNOW I CAN DO IT AGAIN..(2ND YR)...I GUESS WE FINALLY RELIZE THE 2ND YR THEY ARE GONE AND ARE NOT COMING BACK....

SO USUALLY EVERY YR I CHANGE THE COLOR DEC ON THE WHITE TREE, BUT I RECON FROM NOW ON ITLL BE TURQUISE...(IF I PUT IT UP)

LAST YR PART OF THE TREE...NOTICE THE BUTTERFLIES

[daveydow1]

Kathy---Jessie's Garden is lovely. We are busy now......moving soon, and will

again have land, so we can make another Davey & Lisa's Garden with herbs

and perrenials, and a few roses too. Can't wait. Thanks for the photo.

Dee----It must be beautiful in your area, and since you LOVE your nature

walks, it's the perfect place. Also, you can hop on a train and go

downtown Chicago......such a great place.

About stupid things people say to a grieving parent.......I guess we've all

been in that spot of receiving one of those clueless remarks. As Kathy said.....

it would be better if they just said "I'm sorry",  (or nothing) and let it go.

Take care all INDIGOS. Sleep well.

       Daveysmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

I have a question too ...... do any of you have trouble feeling thankful? 

Yes to be honest I do.  Don't get me wrong, lifes experiences &  being here has shown me I have much to be thankful for.  I still have a life many would envy.  Mike's death has altered my perceptions forever.  So even with all I know now to be true there are days when being thankful tinged with a sadness that makes it hard to even breathe.

Sue - I stick with the signs, its my way of believing.  Steven made 31 this past Feb.  His take was now 'he's the older brother'.  It made me smile. 

Carol - Such a 'Mike' card with words to match.  Precious memorabilia, I have a box full.  Glad you have my shrinks twin, wisemen who see the healing as a lifetime project with no urgency.   

Betty - Glad you are back. Eating Italian on Thanksgiving sounds like a plan to me. Garlic bread too I hope.

Lorri - sorry about the car.  I remember Bonnie posting about Jays house and car and the dissappointment in her words.  Yet time moved on and Jays Ruby is home with her now......its all in the timing.

Amanda - Counting down........from far away

Claudia - Boy I thought I would go to great lengths to get a coffee, but you go to the extreme!  Hope the rest and relax eases the aches.  Might want to check your meds too, some have a habit of irritating the GI tract.

Dee - healer of the broken hearted, love this..formed from the dust of our crushed hearts is definitely something I am grateful for, our friendships.

 This is Mike Melissa and Steven at the beach Sorrento, one of my zone out places.  I'm thankful that these are the memories I take with me when I go there.........

[rlolheiser]

I haven't made my thanksgiving plans, I am hoping to do as little as possible.  With Jaboa's angel birthday being the end of October the holidays really stink.  I know I have other grands, and I have my boy...  I have a lot...  but I am really afraid to show to much thankfulness...  I become so afraid that if I let it be known I am happy with what I have, I will lose it.  I don't know if that is any sense to you... but I live in fear... I had just told my mom the weekend before Jaboa died, that life couldn't get any worse....  I will never say that again...    I guess I can't hide it from God.. but I can be frightened

hugs

[ericasmom]

Trudi, those faces shining out, I did not have to see Mike's handsome face to know that those kids are filled with Trudi genes. HOly Cow. I am glad that you have this place to sit with your joyous memories. If I ever find my scaredy-cat butt in Australia, take me there please, and especially take me to the forest. So serene. I am akin to trees, related I am sure, somehow the sister that grew legs.

Hey Trudi, today I read a news article to my students about the giant icebergs floating toward south island New Zealand. That is where our pen pals are. The news reported that warnings had to be placed to prevent shipping as the icebergs number in the hundreds and some of them over 200 meters wide. Soooo, might be the waters become cooler...Thanks Mr. Bush for saying that Global Warming is not a serious issue and that he didn't even believe in it. What a genius!! Oh more Aussie news, the gifted teacher in my shcool, Matt Kuntz, is doing a virtual classroom project as he does each year. This year the school participating is in Melbourne. Fancy that Sista. And one more bit of Aussie news, a kangaroo attacked a dog, tried to drown it, and then attacked the dog's owner. So you watch out Girlie, don't go bothering the damn kangas.

Lynn good to see you, and glad that you will have some time with your Son and Daughter in law. May it be a day of sweet reunion, great memories. I think that we cannot and should not be worried about letting our tears fall, they fall when they need to. Crying and Laughing are our responses to the world and all we see, hear, do , worship, fear, and love love love.

Claudia, a day in bed under a rainy sky sounds just right for you. And a three hour nap to boot. You really did need it. What are you reading these days?

Betty, Italian food in the city sounds great. I wish you a warm enough to take a walk day. We order our coffee, speaking of strong coffee for Claudia, from the Puerto Rican Import Company in NYC> WE buy 12 bags or so each time. Lovely aromatic beans arrive a few days after we put in our order. The coffee is wonderful and ends up being either cheaper or equal to that on the shelves at the grocery. So much better. I drink coffee all day, usually stop at around 4:00. I have apot in my classroom and many teachers come in with empty cups to fill up.

Lorri, tree or no tree? Hard one with your Kody there, but I have not done a tree since Eri left. Neither had Michael and Jon. Last year, I gave thought to having one but Jon wanted nothing to do with it, his dad was so sick. Now with his sadness, I don't know, maybe it would give him a moment of joy,,,don't know. The first year out I told husband no tree. He bought a tiny fake one, (we always had a big real one), and it touched my heart deeply that he had it set up on the table when I got up and came downstairs. Eri ADORED Chiristmas, loved buying gifts, receiving gifts, so loved all that Christmas brought. It is hard to know if I have the energy to do what we used to do. I do have a little fake tree for the cemetery that husband bought for me too. As much as I hate decorations up too early and up too long, I probably should take the little tree soon before the ground freezes.

Colleen what a game you saw yesterday! So glad that yo went and had a great time. I thought of you under the sunny skies out there in a winning game. The crowd looked very joyous. Do you still do a tree for Aaron and your Daughter?

Day after Thanksgiving, I will board an EL train and go downtown to watch the Lions that guard the ARt Museum get their Wreaths, their necklaces. Alone in the midst of thousands, and I love that feeling, the joined energy of strangers under one sky involved in the same activity.

Peace Friends, Indigos.

[ericasmom]

Leah, the night before Eri was struck, an email from my Sis Eileen came. She never forwarded a religious email in her life, but there it was; If God brings you to it, He brings you through it. I looked at the clock and it was after midnight, so really it was the day that Erica was struck. July 8th, 2003. So don't waorry about making sense, I get that, afraid to count your blessings, afraid not to, the sky is falling kind of feeling. Just know that nothing you said made Joboa die. And feeling your blessings won't make them go away. But boy do I get it.

Love,

dee

[summergirl]

Claudia - wow, now that is definitely not the way to begin the day but am glad that you and hubby were able to giggle about it....especially after the "if I had a frying pan in my hand" part.....sorry but I had to laugh:) I am so sorry that you took such a tumble and had to sit and cry by yourself.....sticky and stained with that coffee... more careful tomorrow morning.......

Dan - love my Jessica's Garden and love to sit out on the patio with the fire going in the chiminer (SP), the quiet of the summer night, the sounds of the waterfall. So very peaceful.   Hope one day you and wife get to build one for yourselves.

Trudi - glad you have such a wonderful therapist.....how right he is that we can do what we want when we feel like it. Like yesterday when I stayed in my jammies all day, did not clean or cook.....exactly what I wanted to do. But....working 5 days a week from 9 to 4:30 doesn't allow me to do what I want when I want all the time but that is ok because I like my job and I really do have the freedom to just close my office door and cry if I want, go outside and walk around and smile at the sinshine. Love the pic of the grandkids at your special place....looks so peaceful.   Yes, the DSi is money, Barry bought Tavian one at the end of summer....he loves it.  I am excited about the laptop for him.  However, all he wants is a "dirt bike" - Barry and I researched them on the internet and found the new craze called the "pocket rocket bike"....they are small and would be perfect for Tavian so we ordered one, it was half price...$239.00...well they called today and said they were sorry but were sold out of them......every place we have looked they are sold out.  The guy told us they were really sorry that the website did not specify that they were sold out so they offered us another bike for 150 more but it is a little bigger and more powerful....so we discussed it and decided against it......a part of me is glad as I think 8 is a bit young for a dirt bike with that can go up to 45 mph.....yet I know how happy he would be and it is all he talks about.....Barry said he could do something to the carbarator that would slow it down....anyway, we shall see what happens.

Lorrie - sorry about the car but if it is meant to be it will be so never give up.  The tree is beautiful, I understand your reluctance to put it up again so maybe do a different tree this year....I am sure Cody would like that and Kourtney will want to see that beautiful butterfly on the tree.........so hard isn't is........as someone once said "I wish I could just go to sleep the beginning of November and wake up in March"  that way the Hoildays would be over and February will have passed by.  But, I have to put on that Happy Mask I wear and smile and pretend that I am enjoying all of it.  

Dee - you always make me feel stonger.....

Mary ann, what a wonderful thought....if we all lived close to each other and could be together for the hoildays, wouldn't that be great....not have to worry about hurting someone's feelings......how lovely that would be.    So nice that you are going to volunteer on Thabksgiving.....very special person you are my friend.

Thanksgiving for us will be at my mother-in-laws with my sister-in-law and her husband....that is it, the 5 of us........I do not want to go....I want to stay home just Barry and I and DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.....but cannot, Barry's dad passed away last year and it is the "tradition" to go there for Thanksgiving......doesn't matter how I feel but we must consider how mother-in-law feels......if I sound harsh it is because that is how I feel......I never received one phone call from her after we lost Jessica, not one asking how I was doing....but she would call Barry on his CELL PHONE to check on him.....The day we lost Jessica she walked in my house, took my face in her hands, looked me in the eye and said "you have to be strong"....it is the only thing she has said to me about my daughter.   She does go to the cemetery alot though so I can be thankful for that.............aaarrrggghhh.

I am thankful for my husband, Tavian, my family and my sonderful friends. I am thankful for all of you here at BI who have given me a reason to keep moving forward each day. I most thankful for my beautiful daughter Jessica whom I had for 26 wonderbul, beautiful, happy years....for all the moments we shared, for all the memories we made, for being allowed the the honor of being her mother and she my daughter.

Have a dram filled night my friends.

I love you my Jessie, miss you with every breath I take, the tears and pain do not ease, my heart will never mend but I smile when I hold your beautiful Tavian knowing I am holding you as well.

  

 

[lolynbo]

Dee - you always make me feel stonger.....

I SO AGREE WITH THAT...I REALLY THINK ALL OF YAL ARE SO MUCH HELP AND KEEP ME FROM JUMPING INFRONT OF THE BUS/TRUCK/HORSE AND BUGGIE..ETC.....

BUT DEE U JUST HAVE A WAY...IDK WHAT IT IS..

WE ARE GOING TO MONTYS SISTERS ABOUT 20 MIN AWAY..KIMMY, CODY, KODY, ME AND MONTY AND MAYBE BROOKE KODYS GF..AND 12 TO 15 OTHERS....MY MOM HAS TO WORK (IHOP) SO WE WILL NOT BE TOGETHER...SHE SAID SHE WOULD RATHER STAY BIZZY KEEP HER MIND OCC.

WE WILL GO TO MY BROTHERS (IN MY TOWN) FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER...

ABOUT IT VERY UNEVENTFUL...ALSO DO YAL HATE NEW YEARS TOO..I ALWAYS HAVE...NOW THE YEARS ROLL BY LAST MY BABY GIRL NEW IT WAS 07'  FRICKIN FIXIN TO BE 2010...

GOD JUST LET ME DIE..

[lolynbo]

OH AND ABOUT THE CAR...IM NOT MAD...I REALLY DONT ASK FOR MUCH...I CLD BE A LIL SPOILED...BUT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE ALL THE TIME BUYING RACECARS AND PARTS....MAYBE WE MIGHT HAVE TO CUT SOME OF THAT OUT...

THIS CAR MEANS ALOT TO ME...LIKE THE JEEP...TO BONNIE...IM SURE I WILL SURVIVE WITH OUT IT...BUT IM NOT A HAPPY GIRL...IT CLD MAKE ME SMILE JUST HAVING IT..?? IDK

[mikesmum]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

 This year the school participating is in Melbourne. Fancy that Sista. And one more bit of Aussie news, a kangaroo attacked a dog, tried to drown it, and then attacked the dog's owner. So you watch out Girlie, don't go bothering the damn kangas.

Wow we are making headlines, for all the wrong things!  That Kangaroo attack is the other side of the hills from us.  We have the Healesville Sanctuary in our town, a place to safely see our kangas!   Where in Melbourne is the school?

I will take you to the Otway Ranges.  Its where the Rainforest drops into the ocean.....thats my 3 day sojorn trips.  Deep into the forest the Otway Ranges/National Park yet 1-2 kms from the Great Southern Ocean.....ahhhhhh put my cabin up there pls.......

http://www.otwaysaccommodation.com.au/great-ocean-road-map/otway_ranges_map.html 

Have climbed the Otway lighthouse (pooping all the way!)  The Great Ocean Road walk is something I would love to do.  Fitness and excess baggage an issue for now, but hey it might be a New Years focus.

One thing about being thankful.  I have met a mum in town who lost her son a year ago.  He intended taking his life, left her a note.  He took an overdose, yes that drug. He was found and revived remaining on life support for a week. 

I am thankful that I was never asked to make the decision to turn off life support, it was hard enough to reject the offer of the helicopter.   I can say that here and know you all understand what I mean.......:?

 

[mikesmum]

Maits Rest deep in the Rainforest near Cape Otway light house.

[ericasmom]

Thank you kindly for the words so sweet, I know that one reason that I am here, is to be present in this joined space that we share. This is the place where I learned to put my steps down, to try out my legs, see if they could hold me against the current that was so rough. We all made choices i our grief to be here, to reach out  for help and inevitably, to be helpful. In countless ways my heart has been touched and lifted in this room we share.

Bonnie, frog maker extrodinaire, how lovely an endeavor. I think it sounds like a fabulous undertaking.

As Kath said, dream filled sleep. I get to pick out a new book to start tonight, YIPEEEE! I just finished reading, PRECIOUS> oh my what a heavy book, very well done, but I do not advise it if you only read at night which is mostly what I do. It is simply too much before sleep.

Peace in our time,

dee

[ericasmom]

Trudi, so beautiful, love the serenity of the photo, the greens all about, the wooden pathway, so Zen-like. ANd the photo of where the mountains meet the sea, fabulous. Well the goal to make that walk,hike might be a good one trudi.

I don't know which school, will ask Matthew tomorrow.

Hey, the map you sent has an Aire River, I'm thinking that it may be pronounced Eri.

Don't really know how I hit on so many news items from your neck in the woods, guess I was thinking of you.

Love and goodness-

[mpsmom]

OMG Trudi, what a wonderfully beautiful place..............thank you for sharing, must put your 'land' a place to visit someday.

HUGS,  Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  If I had to choose which to spend my day, it would be truly difficult...sitting in a chair at the coast line (I am a water person, true to my zodiac, Aquarius), or walking through that beautiful path...so serene...thank you so much for sharing.  I just loved th epic of the kids at the beach...a treasure for sure.  When Mike was that small, he preferred "tide pools" where he had his own little corner of the world.  He would find one and stay in it as long as it lasted. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I just wanted to begin the day by wishing everyone a Blessed day.

Trudi  The pictures were awesome!!! Children with darling faces at the beach, what wonderful memories!! The other pictures really captured the beauty of the forest.  As Dee and Carol  said it is certainly a place that I would visit once I can get myself in the travel mood!! 

You should be the Travel Minister for your part of the world!!!

Marcia Good to see you posting.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dee.  Thank you for reminding me about the Puerto Rican Coffee

shop just 10 blocks from my house.  when I first moved to this area I would walk there on a regular basis and select from the wonderful coffee and really enjoy it as you described.  THen I became a Starbucks fan and changed to only starbucks coffee.  I do believe I will take a walk there today and think of you as I make my selection.

Lori I understand how you are feeling and your disappointment. Stephen was a race car fuilder and racer.  Every penny he earned went into buying race car parts so as to improve the cars look or performance.  I hope some how this will work out for you

Sherry  Love the Idea that you are moving to a new house and will soon have a Garden.  Makes me realize that I too can pehaps make a plan again for the future!!!

MaryAnn, Sue, Leah, Suzannah, Kathy, Dan, Greg, Claudia,Terrie  and all other Indigos, thinking of you and your Angels and holding you in my thoughts and prayers this day.

Betty

Stephen'smom:) 

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's!

Y'all are so good about saying the right thing.  I'm more like a bull in a china shop, stumbling through. 

I do apprecriate each of you and I appreciate this site.  Maybe appreciation is what I feel this year instead of real gratitude.  I don't know.  I'm not going to attempt to go there again.

I have to shop for Thanksgiving dinner today!  Going to try to get out and have coffee with friends. 

I'll be thinking of each of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

"Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."

- "Pizza Place Sign

I thought this was cute.

Trudi, what a beautiful spot of memory.

Almost time to get going. I have a new co-worker. She has a toy raven perched on her monitor and 3 " living dead dolls" lined up. One is Betty Davis. I don;t get it and am glad I can detour that area.

The good news, the food drive at workplace. many of the food pantrys are said to be almost empty around here. Its good to see so many chipping in.

 

Betsy.mysonRich

[shorty16]

Hello Indigo's  (I love the nickname)

This week should (hopefully) complete our home renovation.  3 bathrooms, kitchen, and a wet-bar torn apart for almost 5 weeks.

The painter is coming in this weekend to prep the walls.  More dust.

Michelle, my daughter, seems to be settling down a bit.  Not so anxious and "jump-down-your-throat" with her responses to simple things.  I can tell she is trying.  She gets very upset when Aaron leaves a mess downstairs (that used to be Brian's room).  Aaron just does not get it.

Hope everyones day goes well.  Many people gone for the week from work.

Colleen

[heartbeataway]

Whew!  I 'm having trouble keeping up with everyone!  I don't know how many pages I went back looking for the picture of Jessica's garden. I have something I want to send you for it Kathy.  Now, lets see if I get my act together and do it ..... I actually had it in Texas and it's in a box somewhere ........ :?

Greg and Dan,

You're right in so many ways .......

How can we not be thankful?  I had this amazing creature in my life for 31 years. I was the person privileged to be called, "Mom" by him. I'm the one who after holiday meals while standing at the kitchen sink would get the hug and hear the words, "You're the best". I also heard his last words, "I love you." after our last conversation.

I still hear those words everytime a large bird soars overhead or I look into the sweet face of his dog. I will forever be grateful for his presence in my life but I will also forever mourn the loss of Jason.

I've been at such a low point lately.  The holidays are just so hard to face this year.

My Dad is still cheating death.  He, by all accounts, should have left us by now.

Rich has no job prospects.  This is not at the top of our list and it wasn't totally unexpected but, it was and is another loss and we will have to replace it.  Twenty six years with a company is a long time!

Rich  had his cardio appointment and he does have an abnormal EKG on record. Abnormal since we moved here. He has no symptoms and abnormal could be his normal.

So, in January, he's going to have an echo to make sure there is no damage and if indeed he has had a "silent" heart attack.  With all the stress we've had since moving, it's very possible ....

We are involved in legal action with a former employee of Jay's company.  His company is his legacy and it cut like a knife to find out that it was so compromised by someone that we trusted and thought cared. Someone who stood at his memorial and talked through sobs about how much Jason meant and how much he would be missed. How do folks do things like this?  They grew up together!

So, we are in this and we will stay in this and hold the folks involved accountable.

Since this also happens to be a family member, it will not be easy and we will suffer the consequences of estrangement. A small price to pay to protect the legacy that is such a big part of what we have left of our son.

There are things I will never understand in life and this is but one of them ......

Lorri,

I'm sorry about the car.  Yes, it's both comforting and sad to look out the kitchen window and see "Jay's Rubi" sitting there.  I will admit when I struggle to pull my old body up into the passenger seat, I wonder if having it is the right decision. 

Maybe someone younger and more agile might enjoy it a whole lot more .....

I do understand the comfort being surrounded by physical memories.  I do, I do .....

Terrie,

What a sad, sweet gesture giving your tree is!  We gave our tree away before we moved. Haven't had one since our last Christmas together.  I'm not going to say we never will.  I don't know that.  I do know that right now, I'm not strong enough to unpack those memories.

One of my favorites Christmas displays is a grouping of pictures.  We have family pictures in Christmas frames.  One for every year.  As a grouping, it's such a cool display.  Our Christmas through the years ......

If Jason's memorial day was in December, I would have a tree and collect the decorations from everyone like we did the banners.  Each child represented by an ornament.  That would be very cool ....... very, very cool. That would almost give me the push to have a tree.  Interesting thought .......

Well, I need to get this day in motion.  To everyone, I try to keep up but have such a tough time lately.  I think of everyone!  Hope that counts.

Love!

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

This picture is a blast from Thanksgiving past  ..... I think it was 2003. Not everyone made the picture. Jason is sitting beside me.  There was a time he wouldn't wear a hat at the table, especially a holiday dinner, but ........ in the whole scheme of things, it wasn't that important.

[ericasmom]

Funny Betty, I used to love Starbucks, but now it tastes too burnt for me on a regular basis, so the Purerto Rican Coffee really fills the bill. I was in that store 2 or 3 times, what a wonder for the senses. All around, large piles of beans, some as tall as a human, some glossy black, while others a duller brown. It smelled like coffee heaven. Love it.

see ya

[hotrod]

Hi Every Indigo!!

Just back from shopping and:

Colleen  I meant to thank you for your gratitude list.  I also feel reconnected to my God and I believe that coming here has helped.

Dee You are so right !! The smells in that store was wonderful.  I will enjoy my coffee tomorrrow AM thinking of you and all my friends here.

Betsy "Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life." What a great quote!!Thank you

Bonnie I too feel about Stephen as you so beautifully expressed about Jason.  Loved the picture.  You did start the ball rolling in my head about a Christmas tree.  Stephen, like most of the Angels here loved the Holidays.  I have not done any since he passed.  Maybe this Christmas I could purchase a tree and place a christmas ball on the tree to represent each angel  That would make the Holiday special again.

Will have to think about it but my heart smiled at the thought

I have to go back out so I wish  everyone a great afternoon

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[hotsauce]

TERRIE, i know you have talked about clikfree dvd photo backup before is it a program for the computer or just special disk?

can't find it here in delaware but then again i was looking for a specail program

mary ann(hotsauce)

BRIAN's momdukes

[lolynbo]

OUR NURSE THAT IS GOING TO HAVE THE ARTICAL ABOUT KOURTNEY JUST TEXT ME AND SAID SHE JUST GOT FIRED FROM  THE HOSP WE WERE AT....CUZ SHE POSTED A UNIDENTIFIED PIC OF A PATIENT ON FACEBOOK AND HAD THE PATIENCE PERMISSION....POOR GIRL SHE IS SUCH AN AWESOME NURSE...SHE SAID HUMAN RESORCE TOLD HER THAT PURVES (SP) WHAT KINDA NURSE SHE IS....SHE IS AN AWESOME NURSE..NO ONE BETTER THEN HER....

I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YAL WHAT I THINK IS KINDA FUNNY..

MARCIA AND I WAS TALKING AND I TOLD HER TO COME VISIT ME SOMETIME...(AS WE ALL PROB DO)......NOW KEEP IN MIND WE HAVE LOTS OF THINGS TO DO AROUND HERE..

1.OKC BOMBING

2. GRASS NOLE (SP) IN DALLAS

3. KOURTNEYS KLOSET

4. KOURTNEYS GRAVE

5. LAKE (S)

6. GIANT PEANUT IN DURANT LOL...ETC

AND SHE SAYS "CAN WE GO WATCH MONTY AND KODY RACE....LOL SHES WHITE TRASH JUST LIKE ME...GOD LOVE ER

[shorty16]

We also have not had a Christmas tree since Brian's death.  I bought a fake one in Jan of 2008 and have yet to get the strength together to get it out and decorate.  Too many memories.  Too many fun times that are no-more.

We are running away this Christmas to California.  I still cannot wake-up in my home Christmas morning - - too painful, lonely, and I do not have the strength for the silence.

Once Michelle starts having kids, the Christmas tree may go back up, but until then, nothing - - and I like it that way.  I guess I am a scrooge. I will just celebrate the birth of our Lord.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotsauce]

TERRIE,

found out where to buy it   walmart.com

thank you

mary ann (hotsauce)

BRIAN'S momdukes

[ericasmom]

Bonnie Dear, I know the ache you feel at the holidays. The year has been fraught with conflict, adn so my wish, my prayer for you and Rich si for a peace-filled time. That in that peace, the conflicts will dissolve some, and the sound of, "I love you MOM, you are the Best" can be heard in the rhythms of the day. And that the tests for Rich are only beneficial without worry.

I wish I was the messenger

and all the news was good...

[lolynbo]

ON MYSPACE I HAVE "FEELING LIKE THE HOLIDAYS ARE GOING TO MAKE ME HAVE A CRASH LANDING"..A LADY THAT HAS NO FN IDEA HOW WE FEEL WROTE..

you have two other children that need you to try and cheer up for the holidays! they are probably missing you very much! it's the time of the year to count your blesings, not your losses.

SHUT UP STUPID PPL

[shellbellsmom]

Good day everyone….it’s been busy on here lately. 

Bonnie love your photo of your past “happy Thanksgiving” when life was easier.  So sorry for all your dark days lately and all the issues you have to deal with.  Life sure isn’t fair, is it?  Hope things start improving for you soon. 

Colleen glad the renovation is almost complete and that you can get away from the

waking up on Christmas morning without your child. California was one of my daughters favorite places- Huntington/ Newport Beach area. 

Lorri love the butterflies on the tree- our memorial tree is covered with them  – aka- butterfly/angel tree.  Our last New Years with our girl was 2007 too…I remember crying so hard when it hit midnight knowing she will never have lived in 2008- or any other year beyond that. 

Dee enjoy the Lion wreath ceremony on Friday- the book Precious is that the one I saw previews on TV for a movie?

Trudi as always…..enjoy the virtual get-a-way vacation you always share, it’s definitely one of the places on my bucket list to visit someday.  

Kathy love the garden….waterfalls and night time fires- sounds wonderful….good luck with the dirt bike for Tavian…but they scare me.

Yesterdays thought; I too am grateful and thankful for so much in my life.  I have the world’s best husband who is the love of my life, and I have a wonderful son that I am so proud of.  I am so grateful for having my wonderful daughter in my life for 22 plus years…those three made me a better person and made me want to live each and every day.  I have so much more to be thankful for (roof over my head, husband’s job, many brothers and sisters and parents who I adore, and many friends…so I am blessed.  But even though my cup runneth over with blessings…. I can’t help but be sad and jealous of others with complete/ happy families, especially this time of year. 

Tree or no tree….my daughter had allergies to pine so we had an artificial one every year except her first one and she was so sick….We bought a huge one after that.  It cost a fortune but we thought someday it would pay for itself.  (Really real looking).  We couldn’t bear to put it up after  she died…so we got a small one to put up instead- we were having my family over and my hubby wanted to have something for the nieces and nephews…and really wanted everyone to think we were doing OK.  We did however put up and still have up a memorial palm tree- it has pink lights on it and ornaments either she made, or ones others have brought over in memory of Michelle.   It shines every night through our window…and I have no plans on ever taking it down.  She always joked and said she wanted one…since our winters are dark, cold, snowy and I told her she was crazy- now she has one- just wish we would have done it when she asked.  I am charging (need more sun though) my Christmas solar lights for her wreath for the cemetery.  Hopefully we will be able to see the lights when drive past it. 

I am also grateful or this site and for everyone here sharing their thoughts, quotes/poems/videos and memories with us all.  It makes me feel better to know I am not walking this path alone.  When the rest of the world gets sick of me talking about my girl, I know you all will welcome my stories and memories, as I shall for yours. 

Wishing you all a peaceful day. Sue 

PS: Just wake me up when its January already! 

Pic is the palm tree- shortly after we got it, now its covered with butterflies, angels, and other ornaments. 

[cameronsmom1]

Just got back from my check up and I am dilated between 3-4 cm and baby is fully engaged at station 0!! He said that he will be surprised if I make it till monday!!!

Marcia, be ready for that text, could be sooner than monday!!

[ericasmom]

Oh Sue, love the palm, love it, adn I am sure that that Daughter of of YOurs is pleased to see it shining through the windows into her sky..

I know what you mean, I have tons that I am grateful for and with, but there will always be sadness where Eri is concerned. I will forever miss my Girl adn forever be so very glad that I know her and got to spend 19 years with her.

finding my way,

dee

[Guest]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

ON MYSPACE I HAVE "FEELING LIKE THE HOLIDAYS ARE GOING TO MAKE ME HAVE A CRASH LANDING"..A LADY THAT HAS NO FN IDEA HOW WE FEEL WROTE..

you have two other children that need you to try and cheer up for the holidays! they are probably missing you very much! it's the time of the year to count your blesings, not your losses.

SHUT UP STUPID PPL

I'm with you! 

[shellbellsmom]

Lorrie, Ditto here....I might be out of it...but what does PPL mean? :?

[Guest]

PPL = People

[shellbellsmom]

Thanks- 

[mikesmum]

Good Morning Indigos

Susannah - you missed the earlier posts on my journey.  I was an angry bull in a china/crystal shop on steriods!!

Bonnie - I love your pic.  Am I seeing double, there seems to be a guy in the foreground who looks like Rich and a woman just to the left of Jason (not you) that resembles you?   As for your Dad, maybe he's just hanging in for the right time for him.   Know your heart was broken by losing Jay and now its shattered by those who you once believe you knew - When I think of Jay one thing stands out "HONOUR".

Colleen - Great news about the reno.  Glad to hear Michelle is mellowing.  Like all of us I guess she is finding her way.  As for Aaron, he might not get it and that's his way.

Amanda - for goodness sake don't sneeze!!! Luck for Monday but I have a feeling in my waters that you might not make it till then. 

Betsy - I have a new co-worker. She has a toy raven perched on her monitor and 3 " living dead dolls" lined up. One is Betty Davis. I don;t get it and am glad I can detour that area. Glad you don't get it, would be worried if you did.  Wasn't the Raven by Edgar Allen Poe? 

Lorri -  I wish you'd been able to be at the reunion, your accent would have been amazing.  I imagine it with each post.  "Shut up Stupid People" made me laugh so much Muttley thought I had lost it!!!!

Carol - I'm a Crab (not just my personality) so like the crab I need the ocean.  I find energy from the waves and the trees and a peace.  There are times I need to see through the abyss to the beauty that surrounds me to get me through.

On Christmas Trees - We lived in a place called Silvan when the kids were teenagers.  It was near Tesselars Tulip Farm surrounded by farm lands.  Each year Mike, Melissa & Steven led by our then dog "Ruff the wonder Mutt" would head out with a hatched and come back with a pine tree - many times taller than our ceiling.  The smell of pine - ahhhhhchooooooo.  But for my kids that smell brings back happy memories.  Our last Christmas together was 2006.  The smell of pine, grandies, cooking a sit down lunch for 20 wonderful time.  The pine tree hasn't been back since then.

This year my head and heart are in a better space.  The smell of pine associated with happy memories is something I want for my grandies.  I want it also to remind Melissa, Steven and yes me that while we miss Mike, there are so many christmas memories we have to share and build on.   Just my thoughts.

Australia is a very young country, a very diverse country a very beautiful country and its my priviledge to share it with my Indigos. 

For those I miss by name, your stories are in my heart always.  We get it, can't be bothered wasting precious energy on those who don't.

Peace love and mung beans - out

[ericasmom]

So the raven adn dead dolls, it is a big movement, baby clothes and blankets and shoes and stuff with skulls all over it. Today we started shopping online for the family we sponsor, so three girls on one computer and three boys on the other in my classroom. I had the girls on the clothing for the eleven year old, at a store called KOHLS. e can get a lot for our money there. So the instruction is to find some pants, some shirts, a hoodie and some other cute things for this girl. She is a big girl size wise and that is all we know of her, so we are looking and this little girl wants to pick out a hoodie with skulls all over it. I said, nope, the Momma may not feel comfy with that, that is a particular taste and she may not have it. So we dumped the idea of skulls. Goodness, it is a whole generation of skulls. A bit dark.

I too laughed Trudi, when Lorri said, "shut up stupid people!" I wholly agree Lorri, obviously this person is completely in the fog of what happens in a movie when someone dies.Real life is very different and she should really learn to keep that stupidity to herself.

I almost went off on a teacher today after someone told me (gossip) that she said that she thought the display window in our front hallway was offensive at this time in America's struggle. I went to look at it and and there were books and photos dipicting life in the middle east cultures. The holidays that the Muslim people will celebrate, the Hindu people, and she finds that and them OFFENSIVE? Holy crap Lady, do you find two of my students from India offensive, how bout the girl from Pakistan? Offensive? What about the girl that is half Iranian? Should we kick her out because she is from a country you think is filled with terrorists? YIKES, why can't folks that work with kids be kind of heart and open minded? Lord help me keep my fingers off of her neck...

Love to all,

dee