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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Michael Rodriguez

well.....holidays will suck or most of us !!!!!! if there anything close to last sunday , they will be awful 

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Virginia,  losing Nique so close to Christmas will forever be an agonising time of the year - as is the case for Carol and myself  both losing our boys within weeks of Christmas too.   In America you have your thanksgiving to deal with as well - something I don’t have to manage.
I’m sorry that Kyle is having it rough .  He has had to deal with so much .  
Kindest thoughts to you all.  Roz

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Thanks guys. Its nice to be able to say the scary things here because everyone else keeps trying to tell me "be positive." I know they think they are helping but sometimes I just need to get the negative out.

Michael, this will be my 4th christmas without Nique and even though its easier, I still spend most of the time remembering past holidays with her instead of focusing on whats in front me. I hope one day I can be closer to 100% present for kyle. I hope he doesn't ever feel like I love nique more. 

Roz, I think its amazing you remember niques passing is near Christmas. I cant remember anyones details. Are the holudays any easier for you yet? Thanksgiving has never been a huge holiday for me, its just harder this year since Christopher is in the hospital and kyle is not allowed in his room. I am hoping the hospital will make an exception on thanksgiving and let kyle come in and visit.

I have started Christmas shopping for kyle, and I hate that it feels like a chore. I used to love shopping for holidays and birthdays :(

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Virginia,   I think the fact that we know first hand that ‘positivity’ wasn’t enough to keep our children with us  doesn’t make it easy to be all in 100% positive as you’re encouraged to be but we still have hope and prayer.   Don’t worry if you sound negative at times it’s just a form of self protection.

It has been five years at the end of this month since David died , you ask if it’s getting any easier at Christmas….  It is an effort still and I’d rather not bother but I try for everyone else’s sake.  I don’t have any little ones here as my grandson is in Australia so I don’t decorate at all.  I used to be very keen and collected decorations - antique ones or from other countries - and I still used the artificial tree that we bought for my daughter’s first Christmas ( she is a year older than David and lives in the uk like me) but that tree stays in the loft along with all the boxes of decorations.    Just last week I saw a pretty hand carved decoration at a village fair - I didn’t buy it but it is the first time I have even bother to look or appreciate anything like that since David died.  
 

I don’t know if you already do this but a lovely idea is for Kyle to choose and wrap a little gift in Nique’s name and donate it to a charity - I’m thinking some toiletries- face wipes , lip salve etc.   It would be a kind and useful thing to do but also give him a practical connection to her memory.   It could be something he carries on doing throughout  his life for his sister.

An advent calendar with little treats would be nice for kyle  sent from his dad and a wrapped pressie waiting for Christmas especially from Christopher .   Does kyle record little clips for you to take into the hospital with you?  He must be desperate to see his dad and you are having to manage a lot of roles and emotions at the moment - as a wife and mum to both your children - concerns over Chris, protecting Kyle and grieving Nique - what a head and heart full.

If I sound like I’m mothering you , sorry,   it is in my nature and meant well.  Roz

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Mason’s Mom

Roz,  I love the idea of wrapping a gift and giving it to charity in honor of our lost ones.  I like the idea for myself.  It is still very hard to Christmas shop, I find myself doing more on-line shopping.  Maddie my youngest loves Christmas and with little Magnolia this year I am hoping I can do better. I raised my children with a lot of family traditions for holidays and some of those I have not been able to continue.

This may sound crazy but I have put some kind of decoration on Mason's grave.  This year because we had Covid I couldn't go on his birthday and it was very hard for me. I have snowman solar light that I will put on his grave for Christmas.  I don't go overboard and make it look tacky, just a small item.

Virginia 4th Christmas for me as well.

 

Carol

 

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Carol - it’s not crazy at all to leave a little bit of Christmas with Mason - I’m sure it gives you some sense of his inclusion and that has to be a good thing.

When we got the phone call saying David had died we were already packed and ready to fly to Australia for our Christmas holiday with them.  The cases were full of gifts and treats - lots of them snacks from home that David loved - my daughter unpacked them and took clothing , gifts and everything intended for Dave to a homeless charity.  He would have appreciated and agreed with that so although it is was an awful practical part of that horror show it doesn’t make me linger at the memory - the good softened the bad.    The journey (which took days ) to get to him saw my husband and I behaving like we’d been heavily sedated and in a daze.     We were shell shocked but had to keep going.     I have just written and deleted the rest of that chapter because it’s done now and there is no point in reliving it - it is too sad .

Happier thoughts  - Magnolia’s first Christmas.   You’ll be putting on your thinking head to maybe start something you can continue year on year for her.   Can you do crafts?  - making an heirloom for her would be a nice thing  to cherish.    My grandson had so many toys given to him - some far too ridiculously expensive  but it’s hard not to go overboard - of which we are guilty.    A long term commitment is sponsoring a child - my daughter sponsors a child in India- a little girl  - it’s  been very worthwhile.      Oooo - Get yourself glove puppets - one of the most simple , joyful things to interact with.   They can be quite magical.     Good luck.

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Danielle Masata

Yeah, yeah, yeah to that photo of Christopher!  I am SO thrilled he is on the mend now.  What a time you have had Virginia -- the ups and the downs, the rehabs and the setbacks.  I am so very, very hopeful all that is now behind you/him.  Thank you so very much for posting that photo, since I've been "down in the dumps" these last few days.  The winter seasonal lighting affects me, the colder weather, the fact that we're inching closer to the holidays, and the worst part: that I remember every detail from last year and know just how hard it was for our son.  Down, down, down he went.  Everyday was worse than the day earlier, except for the times when he was busy thinking of Christmas decorating or gifts for all of us.  Oh he loved Christmas.

I just not sure what I should do about Christmas this year.  I think it may be easiest if I completely deny reality and decorate as usual.  My husband might prefer that.  Last year, Patrick helped me by setting up the 2-foot tree I kept in our front window.  Should I put that out as always?  He also put up most of the ornaments on our regular tree because I was busy on another project for another one of our sons.  But if Patrick wasn't busy with the silly details about Christmas on the one hand, he was getting distracted by the drug dealers.  What a horrible time that was.  I guess what I don't know is how I can acknowledge our special guy in a way that isn't a complete depressing experience.  I want it to be a happy time since he truly loved the whole holiday and the whole gift-giving experience, but our emotions are so raw, that I'm finding it difficult to focus on a meaningful in-between.  Relgion/church wouldn't be "his thing", or a grave site (his ashes are still upstairs in his room), but maybe I should just make the foods Patrick liked so very much and keep up all our other traditions, the lights in the windows, the Christmas lights on the mantle, the regular tree in our family room, the stockings near the fireplace.  And what will be different?  For one, I'll have to get candies for everyone's stockings that Patrick loved to put there.  And get a new toy for the dog.  She misses her brother too.

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Danielle,  that is quite a dilemma- nice to make everything Christmassy for your boys, including Patrick and how much he loved all that,  but a huge  emotional task .     Do you think that it might hit you hard if you do try to deny reality?   What has happened is devastating to your family and it would be understandable that Christmas this year wouldn’t be at its’ best.
Maybe a toned down version would strike a balance of what would feel right but I’m not you and only you will know what you can manage .   Try not to over do it though - you have been through a lot .      
I have no youngsters here to make Christmas special for so I don’t bother at all anymore - if I did have them then I would for their sakes. 
I’m sure if you have a chat with your husband and  boys they will help you to decide.   Definitely the gifts and candies, the toy for the dog and favourite foods.     Perhaps a special candle for the mantle to shine for Patrick .  
You said it all when you wrote that the emotions of you all are raw and you want it to be a happy time - it will probably be a very mixed time regardless of what  you decide to do and you can’t  avoid that no matter how much effort you put into everything.     Be kind to yourself .    
I’d suggest keeping  it cosy and simple  unless the decorating represents a lot to you and you’d feel worse if you didn’t do it - for a host of reasons.

Peace,  Roz

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Danielle Masata

One big distraction this year, which I SO hope will be a positive is that my son will be bringing his new girlfriend.  She's not American, although living here and working full time.  But I don't even know if she actually celebrates Christmas.  My son brought another girlfriend home for Christmas about two years ago.  It was a COMPLETE disaster.  I never knew my husband to actually dislike a person, but he quite clearly disliked this girl.  Well he was right.  this girl disapproved of everything we ever valued, as she was incredibly materialistic.  She only fell for labeled brands and high-end styles, even if the trend was out of date.  That year, her only request for a Christmas gift was a $175 keychain. (no kidding)  Then, while she was here, she saw the item was on sale, so she asked my son to get my receipt so she could turn it in and buy the cheaper item!  This year will be so very different, but hopefully it will be busy and fun.  I'm happy at least to be distracted with company.  Meanwhile, we have Thanksgiving coming up.  We'll fix a bunch of side dishes and leave it at that.  No travel for us, thank goodness.  Roads are already so crowded, I don't envy anyone trying to negotiate traffic.

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Michael Rodriguez
9 hours ago, Danielle Masata said:

One big distraction this year, which I SO hope will be a positive is that my son will be bringing his new girlfriend.  She's not American, although living here and working full time.  But I don't even know if she actually celebrates Christmas.  My son brought another girlfriend home for Christmas about two years ago.  It was a COMPLETE disaster.  I never knew my husband to actually dislike a person, but he quite clearly disliked this girl.  Well he was right.  this girl disapproved of everything we ever valued, as she was incredibly materialistic.  She only fell for labeled brands and high-end styles, even if the trend was out of date.  That year, her only request for a Christmas gift was a $175 keychain. (no kidding)  Then, while she was here, she saw the item was on sale, so she asked my son to get my receipt so she could turn it in and buy the cheaper item!  This year will be so very different, but hopefully it will be busy and fun.  I'm happy at least to be distracted with company.  Meanwhile, we have Thanksgiving coming up.  We'll fix a bunch of side dishes and leave it at that.  No travel for us, thank goodness.  Roads are already so crowded, I don't envy anyone trying to negotiate traffic.

just find out where she is from ....... you have to give us the full scoop !!!!!!

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Danielle Masata

"just find out where she is from ....."  I know where she's from Michael; they dated for several years but it would be politically incorrect to post her nationality.  Suffice it to say that she was not born here and she's an only child.  Her parents refuse her to consider marrying anyone who is not from her native country and, in fact, never knew she was dating my son.

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Michael Rodriguez
17 hours ago, Danielle Masata said:

"just find out where she is from ....."  I know where she's from Michael; they dated for several years but it would be politically incorrect to post her nationality.  Suffice it to say that she was not born here and she's an only child.  Her parents refuse her to consider marrying anyone who is not from her native country and, in fact, never knew she was dating my son.

well.....you sure took the nosy out of me !!!!!!

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Danielle, I hope it goes smoothly for you. I do not miss family drama. I am sure whatever you decide to do will be ok. Just try to remember to take time for yourself if possible.

Last night my uncle died. He had all 3 covid shots, but got covid and died within a week. I have not told my husband or son. I am afraid it would make them lose hope. Went to the hospital this morning, christopher was tired so will go back this afternoon if he is up for it.

I hope all who celebrate thanksgiving have a peaceful time.

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Micheal - you gave me a laugh with that last line - thanks.   
 

Danielle - that will be interesting - hope it all goes well enough.  My daughter and her husband plus my brother will probably be with us for Christmas as we have a larger house and I’m used to catering for the family gatherings but it will be for a week or so that they come for so lots of meals and planning.   I’m not sure that I want to think about it yet but very much want my daughter with us.  It’s too much travelling for them to come for a short time.  
As expats we have witnessed many mixed relationships and most of the issues with family can be ironed out.  When we were in Singapore ( which is made up of Chinese, Malay and Indian communities living in harmony) many of my husband’s colleagues met and became serious with local girls.  Most of the initial reservations from their families were because of the lads being of different religions to the girls.     Some converted  , others didn’t but found a way through.

Virginia- sorry about your uncle .   You’re right , there is no point in telling Christopher or Kyle at the moment .  I hear that the tiredness can continue for quite some time

stay safe everyone,  Roz

 

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Danielle Masata

Virginia, so sorry to hear about your uncle.  Did he also have pre-existing complications that exasperated his health? From what I've read, unvaccinated deaths are 12x the rate of the vaccinated, vaccinated deaths are at 0.1%.  With all this covid data available, I feel as if I should a statistician.  

I went grocery shopping this afternoon and oh so sad to see so many Thanksgiving and Christmas goodies and decorations already.  On top of everything else we're dealing with, I just miss having my boys home for the holidays.  We have so much food already and I miss making all their special recipes.  We got a free turkey at the grocery store and all I can think of was "I hope I got the smallest one".  When the registrar told me I qualified, I asked her if she knew of anyone who needed an extra turkey or didn't qualify so they could have ours. (She was very sweet and assumed either I didn't like turkey or was a vegetarian since she suggested alternatives.)

And by contrast to Daniel's (my second son) last girlfriend, he and this newest gf had only been dating for a few weeks before she's talking about wanting to get married.  She too is from another country, but not the same one.  My immediate thought was that she wants to become an American citizen... I haven't heard abut that recently, so maybe that discussion has moved to the back burner.  Hope so.  

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Mason’s Mom

Virginia so we sorry about your uncle. Hope your afternoon visit with Christopher went well. 

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Hi Lisa - we are posting on two pages - here on  Loss of an Adult Child  but also on Loss of an Adult Son -.  Glad you found these conversations but there are messages on the other one too - don’t want you to miss those.
How are you?   This is a very emotionally charged time of the year for us all isn’t it?    I went out to feed and water the wild birds in my garden this morning - it was crisp , cold and sunny - I tried to live in that moment and clear any other thoughts from my head -  it is only a week away from the day that I lost my David five years ago - it’s not easy .

I am attempting big jobs around the house to keep me busy - I’ve been decorating and I’m starting on sorting the wardrobes out to get rid of lots of clothes I don’t wear but still hang on to - it’s all distraction techniques .   
We are encouraged to remember good times with our child and not dwell on their end but I’m not there - I’m more sad that I’ve lost him than anything else -  that is not  good or where I want to be.     
keep safe, Roz

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Michael Rodriguez
6 hours ago, Lisa M. said:

Oh my gosh.   I am so happy I found you all.   You all moved.  I thought I  lost you. 

no lisa, i do not think you will get rid of us that easy !!!! i have no idea how to deal with the holidays.....thanks giving is not a holiday for us , but a lot of people do have some kind of thanksgiving dinner ....we´ve always had ....not this year !!!! i have a big screen in my office so at least ill watch the games. Shel is only on the other site isnt she......she really seems like a real struggle , just like us but worst ....maybe , somebody shoul bring her here also 

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Danielle Masata

Michael and Lisa and Roz, I post on both threads and appreciate insights from both.  I notice this one goes on for 1316 pages and started many years ago.  In some respects, I feel a touch closer tie to those on the other thread only because most of us there lost our child late 2020 or 2021.  The grieving process has been such an evolving process for me: coping with the holidays is all new as is the first anniversary.  I am a little sad to see many who are on this particular thread are no longer writing.  I have so much to learn and grateful for the wisdom that others who have been coping with grief for years bring.  Roz, my special prayers, thoughts, and hugs are coming via cyberspace in the next week. This is an especially hard week for all of here in the US as we hear about and read about all the stories and recall Happy Thanksgiving family gathering memories and yearn to go back to a time when we were, at one time, altogether.

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Mason’s Mom

Roz, I am thinking about you and I know how this coming week will be a struggle. 

Michael, Danielle and Lisa coping with the holidays is not easy.  I wish I had some words of wisdom to share for me I take a day at a time and sometimes just an hour at a time.  

Last week a local family lost their 18 year old son to a car wreck.  Tim and I went to see the parents last night just to offer comfort.  Like I told him maybe that is why we are still here to help others.  I know Roz and a few others that have been on here for years were certainly a comfort to me.

Peace & Comfort to ALL

Carol

 

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I haven't been writing much.  I feel like I just seem to write the same things over and over.   I am in a very sad place right now.  Thanksgiving  was a holiday that my son always shared with me.   This year I don't want to even have a dinner. Everyone around me is excited and I  am in a totally different place.   My granddaughter will be coming with a friend.   I adore her and I know she chose to come to our house to help me through the day.  She is 18 and so in tune to me.  We have a special bond.  I'm  doing this for her.  Don's birthday is December 16th. I'm already thinking about that and how I'm going to get through it. Then there's Christmas. I would just as soon cancel that altogether.   I know you are all struggling just as I am, But I can't seem to move forward. Most days I just feel like I'm on auto pilot. I keep playing the last few days of his life in my mind. I try to remember what I said to him  And hope He knows how much I loved him. If I had known the Saturday before Mother's Day would be the last day that he Was responsive, I would have said so much more. I appreciate you all so much. I read everything you write and some of you write so well And I feel like I just write the same things over and over. The information you provide does help me And I will forever be grateful for all of you in my life.

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Michael Rodriguez
13 minutes ago, Lisa M. said:

I haven't been writing much.  I feel like I just seem to write the same things over and over.   I am in a very sad place right now.  Thanksgiving  was a holiday that my son always shared with me.   This year I don't want to even have a dinner. Everyone around me is excited and I  am in a totally different place.   My granddaughter will be coming with a friend.   I adore her and I know she chose to come to our house to help me through the day.  She is 18 and so in tune to me.  We have a special bond.  I'm  doing this for her.  Don's birthday is December 16th. I'm already thinking about that and how I'm going to get through it. Then there's Christmas. I would just as soon cancel that altogether.   I know you are all struggling just as I am, But I can't seem to move forward. Most days I just feel like I'm on auto pilot. I keep playing the last few days of his life in my mind. I try to remember what I said to him  And hope He knows how much I loved him. If I had known the Saturday before Mother's Day would be the last day that he Was responsive, I would have said so much more. I appreciate you all so much. I read everything you write and some of you write so well And I feel like I just write the same things over and over. The information you provide does help me And I will forever be grateful for all of you in my life.

lisa, we all repeat the same thing over and over again......it is our grief that brings us here and that is all we have in our hearts and minds......

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Lisa - you are correct - we do repeat ourselves constantly - don’t worry about that - we are all at it and it helps to get it out there.  Sounds as if you have a wonderful bond with your granddaughter- I hope the time with her brings you strength .

Carol - what tragic news about that poor young man.   His family must have felt your kindness in their horror - it must have been such a difficult thing for you both to do.  
Thank you for your encouragement towards  me -  I have to remember that Dave is not living his last week now - it was five years ago and he will not be dying next week either - that was five years ago.  I’m hanging on to that.   

Danielle- thank you for caring.   I can see why you feel as you do with the parents who recently lost their children - you are all in the same time frame.   Some of the people who posted on here many years ago do pop back from time to time but most have moved on - I’d like to think that is because they no longer felt  the need to post but it was still very busy  up to about five years ago .  People got upset when the site changed hands.  It used to be called Beyond Indigo and a lot of changes took place which upset folk and left them feeling uncomfortable.   Most  left but I think they kept in touch with each other  ( after many years of friendship ) via private means.    Then the long term writers that were left here were further upset when strange intrusive ideas of our grief popularity were introduced.  It was stopped after objections ( it was not deliberate ) but was too much for some and they stopped posting too.  I removed lots of my early posts and very nearly left for good.   Anyway,  that is where we are.  
Take care all,  Roz

 

 

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Danielle Masata

Roz, thanks for explaining why the change. Years ago, I wrote a lot in another site (college confidential) but I stopped after my son was already in college, I participated in a private group, and they made lots of changes to that site. Nevertheless, I’m so grateful you and others who lost a child in 2017 are still here. Your long view of this process is appreciated. I imagine I will be writing as Lisa wrote that I keep repeating myself and yet I find myself coping with surprising new challenges too. There’s always something and here are two.  Meanwhile, thinking of you and a sad anniversary.

 1) a long-ago friend sent us a condolence card yesterday. Oh that struck a raw chord since I haven’t gotten any recently. It seemed like awhile back when I was getting them but I was so busy and simply coping with so much. It just feels different now. So much more real and permanent. Of course it’s the timing too. 
2) my youngest son came home for Thanksgiving. He didn’t realize our other son was staying on the west coast. I feel so badly for my youngest as this dreaded quiet makes Patrick’s absence so much more apparent.

I heard good suggestion about the next few days: Leave aside all regrets, no matter how small or large.  Pause (take a deep breath),  Remember (a happy moment), and Reflect (on something you can say thanks to).  Hugs to all of you.  My thoughts are with you all.

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Took Kyle to his dr checkups today. She asked what we are doing for thanksgiving. Explained we will be at the hospital. And she says "and you should be grateful for that."

Can I just say I felt like punching her in the face??  I am feeling so much loss right now, and just trying to take care of everything, and it felt like she was telling me what and how to feel.

I wish nique was here, I wish my parents were here, I wish my husband was home. I am grateful he is still here fighting but I feel so alone and scared and stressed, and it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Thanks for listening

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Oh dear , Virginia,  that doctor really didn’t think before she spoke - I hope that she saw some reaction on your face and realised.         Most people would see how tough  the going is for you  right now - it’s not surprising that you feel like you do and I’m sorry that I’m not able to be of any practical help to you.

 Is it possible for you and Kyle to go and do something to give you both a break from reality - I’m not sure what is open and functioning where you are but I’m thinking of  a Laser Quest venue or some other fun place for an hour of escapism .   You will know best.  

Do you have any aunts or uncles who you are close to?     I don’t like to think of you feeling alone or scared - you already live with sadness and stress.

Roz

 

 

 

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Hi roz,

We live in florida and all our family is in arizona and minnesota. Nothing is open today but I do try to take kyle to the trampoline park or the city parks between visits, to give him something else to do.

I am just tired and venting. I know people have it worse than I do. Thanks for listening.

Hope today goes ok for everyone, I think of you all

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Michael Rodriguez

you know virginia , i happen to agree with roz 100 % ....i know it is none of our business , but you and kyle might have a good time with 1 hour of fun time before or after visiting chris today (how abusive of me calling christopher chjris) ....... for the first time since "probably birth" we will not be celebrating thanksgiving ....for the last couple of years that was B´s job to take care off...... we will have an ordinary supper like any other thursday .....nmo turkey this year

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Virginia - that’s great that you’re getting time off with Kyle - you’re a good mum.  
Venting is very useful - it’s odd how just telling friends on here that you are having a rough one can help.   It’s a bit of pressure release so you don’t blow!

Roz

 

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Micheal - I’ve just typed a post to you and it’s vanished - basically I was saying I was a bit slow and the penny had only just dropped that it is Thanksgiving today - we don’t have that event in the uk generally so I haven’t missed anything.

Now my husband has come home saying ‘miss California has gone to town this year’   To explain - We have an American neighbour who my husband calls Miss California - I thought she was Canadian and I call her the lumberjack because she seems to be forever up ladders !    My husband thought she’d ‘gone to town ‘ because she’d put up her Christmas decorations  today literally smothering her house in them more so than ever before.  They are large double story houses too so thousands of bulbs used as the trees get doused as well.    She always makes a big show and it gives her the chance to climb up many ladders and walk around the roof.   It’s a massive task but they are up for weeks and weeks.  She has a husband but no kids or family so it’s for the community I guess.  Maybe she put them up to take in thanksgiving too - do people do that?    We have stopped bothering and must look like the grieving house amongst everyone else’s efforts  - I never thought of what it looks like before but we must look grim.    Who cares ?      This neighbour had a tumble dryer fire and managed to carry it out into the garden whilst it was cooking - fire crew told her off but I was impressed.  

I’ll send this before it’s lost.   Roz   Oh, the last line of what I wrote before has appeared at the bottom of the page but the text is still gone.  Strange.

 


 

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I hope that everyone is managing this day ok. -   it’s not easy when everyone else seems to be having a good time.

Peace and strength to you all. Roz

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Mason’s Mom

Danielle we received mail in Mason's name for awhile and other pieces of mail from time to time and even advertising flyers in his name would have me in tears.

Virginia,  sorry for the painful remark. I get tired of hearing things like that too. Vent all you need. 

Roz sounds like you have had some exciting things happening in your neighborhood. Entertaining to say the least. 

Michael a regular dinner sounds perfect. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol 

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Michael Rodriguez
1 hour ago, Changed said:

Micheal - I’ve just typed a post to you and it’s vanished - basically I was saying I was a bit slow and the penny had only just dropped that it is Thanksgiving today - we don’t have that event in the uk generally so I haven’t missed anything.

Now my husband has come home saying ‘miss California has gone to town this year’   To explain - We have an American neighbour who my husband calls Miss California - I thought she was Canadian and I call her the lumberjack because she seems to be forever up ladders !    My husband thought she’d ‘gone to town ‘ because she’d put up her Christmas decorations  today literally smothering her house in them more so than ever before.  They are large double story houses too so thousands of bulbs used as the trees get doused as well.    She always makes a big show and it gives her the chance to climb up many ladders and walk around the roof.   It’s a massive task but they are up for weeks and weeks.  She has a husband but no kids or family so it’s for the community I guess.  Maybe she put them up to take in thanksgiving too - do people do that?    We have stopped bothering and must look like the grieving house amongst everyone else’s efforts  - I never thought of what it looks like before but we must look grim.    Who cares ?      This neighbour had a tumble dryer fire and managed to carry it out into the garden whilst it was cooking - fire crew told her off but I was impressed.  

I’ll send this before it’s lost.   Roz   Oh, the last line of what I wrote before has appeared at the bottom of the page but the text is still gone.  Strange.

 


 

in honduras it is not a tradition or a holiday , but we are very americanized so a large portion of our , how shall i put it, more affluent part of society does celebrate it....my mom was born in new york so we are half americans and we alll have spent to the very least 50% of our lives in the states ....im watching the bears and the lions play the first of the NFL thanksgiving games 

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Hi everyone.   I am cooking today because my beautiful granddaughter asked if her and her friend could come over.  I adore her so I said of course.  I  am so glad she will be here but honestly I feel as if I am just going through the motions.   Thanksgiving was my son's holiday, so as I am cooking,   I am also crying.  I am cooking all his favorites.... he is here in my heart today.  Thinking of all of you.

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We had meatloaf, honey glazed carrots and rolls. Just me and kyle so I made sure to have food he wants (he doesnt like most typical thanksgiving foods). Reminds me of when nique was small and I always took spaghetti to thanksgiving because I knew she wouldnt eat most of the food. Went to the hospital twice, not really sure if Christopher understood it was thanksgiving. His comprehension comes and goes.

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Virginia, I’ve never had meatloaf.    I’ve just finished a plant based Thai vegan meal - semi nice, semi not.   I’m not vegan btw just experimenting.   Christopher must be tired - he is getting his rest in body and mind and that is great medicine.  Funny, Nique taking her own spaghetti with her.

Lisa,  going through the motions is good enough right now - well done coping .

Carol, it’s dull here compared to our life in London and abroad - very tame here.

Michael, I hope that the game kept your mind busy.

Roz 

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Roz, do you think Miss California is trying to fill a void?  Maybe she goes overboard to try and not feel sad about something? You said she has no children, is that by choice? Maybe she is grieving something she doesn't have??

Lisa, I hope you enjoy the time with your granddaughter.

Michael, I hope you enjoy the football game.

Carol, I hope you are getting some peace today.

I am putting up the tree and I am so depressed. I don't want to put it up but Kyle needs it. After Nique died, Christopher did this for me, the tree is so hard for me. He can't do it this year so I am. 

Normally I am not on here this much but today is really hard and I feel like you are the only ones I can talk to.

Thank you

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I would normally put up a tree this weekend but I'm not sure I have it in me this year. 

I would normally put up a tree this weekend but I'm not sure I have it in me this year. 

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Virginia,   Regarding Miss California - I don’t know what makes her tick and I have no insight.      She has never mentioned kids but did say her mother had been an alcoholic.   She has a Bengal cat that swears something shocking and is very spoilt - that may be her baby.         

Putting up the Christmas tree will be emotional .  I don’t envy you but you’re doing it for Kyle so it will be worthwhile - mine is still in the loft.   Have you managed your Christmas shopping yet?      
 

bedtime for me now  - 2am-  I’m a night owl though.      Keeping very busy this week so I don’t dwell .  Emptied a large , very deep built in wardrobe today for a big clear out but everything went back in again - only managed to ditch two tops!  I’ll try again tomorrow.   Grief is a crazy thing - it floors you or makes you hyper trying to run from it.    Roz


Lisa, unless you really want to or need to put up the tree - why bother?    Try to treat yourself gently .   Roz

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Michael Rodriguez

good morning to all !!! i guess we survived thanksgiving .....for the first time in my life was a normal everyday dinner , but thank God that is one hurdle managed.....just my wife and mother in law and that was it ......how did everybody else do 

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Trying to hold it together. Rough day at the hospital. At appears christophers kidneys may be failing, EGFR is 19, (normal is 60, less than 15 is kidney failure). Body temp is 95 (hypothermua). Still praying he will make it through this. 

I know Nique was around me today. The nurse had hair just like Nique and i got to chatting with her about how difficult it was for her to maintain. Then walking down the hallway at the hospital someone was calling "dominique!"

Put up the tree, wrapped the gifts, hoping to make it through this holiday season with no big events

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Danielle Masata

Virginia, I'm so very sorry that you feel alone and scared.  It's awful and unexpected when people say stupid things like "you should be grateful" when all we really want to hear is a moment of support.  Not "you should be" anything!  Of course you are grateful that Christopher is being cared for but it's a scary time.  And it's terribly hard, especially without those you love and with family relatives being so far away.  With your latest post, I am doubling down on my cyber prayers for him, wishing I could more.

VENT AWAY!!!!  vent away.  This is the forum to do that.  We all understand.

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Mason’s Mom

Roz, another November has come and gone.  I have been thinking about you. I hope you are doing well. 

I have been reading everyone's posts but just wasn't in a frame of mind to add anything. December is such a struggle the world around us seems to be a magical place with holiday decorations and music. I loved all of these things as a mom. The 17th will be 4 years for us without Mason. 4 years ago the week before Christmas we were making final arrangemen for my son. How do you get past that and not be reminded. I am crying as I type these words. So many things during those first weeks are a blur but some things just stand out and make Christmas so painful . 

Virginia I know December is hard for as well. I think of you often and hope you are finding some peace and comfort. 

Carol

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Danielle Masata

Dear Virginia,  Been thinking of you and your family.  This is such a difficult time anyway, but your challenges are a whole new kind of test.  I hope you're able to hold it together.  We are here for you.  Sending cyber best wishes.

Carol, it never really gets "easier", does it?  And in some way, it just gets harder.  From initial shock to the reckoning of the loss.  On top of that, there's that feeling of new emotions alongside strong memories -  good and bad, happy and sad.  How is it that it almost feels as if I can relive the entire month of December 2020 and somehow change the outcome.

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That's what I've been doing.  Reliving every single day that last month.   I can remember our conversations, see his facial expressions and feel him gripping my hand as I told him it was okay to go. I  am struggling so bad.  I feel at times like I can't take anymore pain.  I just want him back. 

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Danielle Masata

Cyber hugs to you Lisa.  It's hard, but I hope you're relieved to have said it was okay to go.  It's nice that you can envision his facial expressions and feel his gripping your hand.  I'm sure it wasn't only in his last days that he held your hand like that.  It was his lifetime.  He felt safe with you.

I just came across Patrick's Christmas list from last year, dated 12/5/2020.  This list shows how young he was; he was 33 years old although you'd never know it.  His list: "I wish for ... LED light strips to light up my ceiling, decent Nike Jogging shoes, Blacklight for my room: can I get a blacklight setup for my room ?  Blacklight posters to glow in the UV light, and A plasma ball, like the one in this link."  It was as if, no matter how much we tried to help him grow up, he just couldn't.  

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Danielle,   Cyber hugs to you too. I know this will sound weird but.... I care so much for all of you.... strangers, yet closely bonded.  You all mean the world to me. 

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Mason’s Mom

Lisa, it doesn't sound strange.  We all share a bond and I don't feel like we are strangers.

Danielle, you are right sometimes it seems harder.  The distance seems to be growing and as time moves along I don't want to feel distant from him.

Roz, Virginia and Michael hope all is well with each of you.

 

Peace and comfort to all.

 

Carol

 

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