Loss of an Adult Child

[Changed]

 Michael,  what a dreadful thing to happen - I’d like to think that the two boys are together again - not that that makes it any easier for those left behind.  Such a sad waste of young lives.  You must all be reeling in shock.

It is so difficult to live with grief and I find it can leave you feeling quite alone in it at times.   This place is a bit of a bolt hole where we can rest and reset knowing everyone ‘gets it’ without us having to say very much.  
I’m sorry that you are dealing with so much sadness.   Peace ,  Roz

 

[Danielle Masata]

Dear Michael, I am so very sad to hear the news about Ivan.  You must be beside yourself in grief, not only in thinking about what a special friend he was to B, but to you too.  And the heartbeat that you know all too well: how his family will have to cope with that loss. The fact that Ivan passed exactly 6 months after B confirms to me that special forces are at work and B and Ivan are now together.

So remember how I mentioned going to a funeral last week?  I went to the reception too and had a most disturbing conversation with someone there.  I was speaking with an older sister of guy who was my brother's age who died a few years ago.  I had heard he was in a car accident and experienced terrible brain damage.  I remember seeing him after that accident.  I never knew what happened after that other than that I learned he died.  Turned out he was an alcoholic ever since college.  His sister went on and on about "his drinking problem" and eventually admitted his family was "so disgusted" about his 'drinking problem' that they barely had a funeral service for him.  I keep replaying that conversation and feel so badly for this guy.  He never got any sort of family support to help him.  I hope she saw the message that Catherine, Dutchess of Cambridge, just posted.  (She involved in a new UK foundation).  The message: "Addiction is not a choice.  No one chooses to become an addict.  But it can happen to any one of us.  None of us are immune."  Meanwhile, the guy who sold Patrick the drugs is finally getting his day in court next week. (We weren't involved in his arrest).  I wonder how long he'll be in prison; at least he's off the streets.  I hope that helps someone.

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks guys.... i went to ivan's grave site yesterday and took some flowers to him....nice beautiful arrangement. he left some headaches ....a motorcycle in one place, 4 wheeler in another .....his future to be wife has become a B....ch with his parents. blaming each other ....i feel so bad for them. it has become a mess. he had bought 2 new trucks , future wife to be wants them .....a mess

[Danielle Masata]

Oh Michael, it sure does sound like Ivan left quite a mess to clean up.  (Shows his youth).  And his significant other is trying hard to establish herself in the hierarchy of where she belongs so she is not left out.  But Ivan left a lot more than just trucks and 4-wheelers.  I'm betting he left a boatload of bills to pay for those toys too.  Unless there's a huge cash settlement due to the accident &  potential legal fees, that's what will be the actual result of who-gets-what.  What does the bride-to-be want with those vehicles?  For now, it's just emotions and trying to figure out what's next. But I bet you are a big help. If nothing else, but being a good listener.   Such a tragedy.  

[Mason’s Mom]

My friend lost her battle with Covid yesterday. We are heartbroken. 

Michael,  Mason's girlfriend of 6 months thought she should get Mason's truck as well.  She doesn't speak to us anymore.  We had offered to let her take over the payments but she had told us that she couldn't afford it.  We kept the truck and she has been angry since then. Hard to understand how she could think that after 6 months she would get the truck and not pay the payments. She may believe we got a big payout from his life insurance.  It was just enough to cover his services.  Not many 21 year old people have a big life insurance policy. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

it is s a total mess , thank god with B they were no major issues .......in the case of Ivan , verything was tied up to bank loans ......and all credit loans come with life insurance so all debts , as far as cc or his truck or the rigs are all paid for with the insurance. so, major headaches might be the bikes , i think one of them he bought second hand and SR paid it off yesterday.

i begged him not to marry her , she was much older than he was and this was her third marriage, se la vi!!!!!!

 roz im sorry about your friend with covid .......did she left family behind , young kids???

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael,  this is Carol and Tonya didn't have children but she leaves behind her parents,  siblings and a host of nieces and nephews. As well as a large number of people who adored her. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

im sorry carol , i was replying from my phone and i was at the cemetery. im still sorry for her parents and family  

[Changed]

Carol, that is very sad news , I feel for you and your friend’s family and friends.   It’s terrible how this awful Covid has devastated families across the globe and continues to do so.   Will we ever have it under control?  Are you all recovered now?
How lovely is it having your granddaughter in your life ? - she will be very aware of her surroundings by Christmas , I should think , and that should help make those days a little easier ( for real and not just for pretend but still rolling with your grief as will we all - missing our children forever no matter what else is happening ) 

Virginia,  How is your husband ?   Not heard anything from you for a while but I hope that he is making good progress - or any progress at all for that matter. How are you and Kyle coping with all this added stress ?   I hope that you are getting some moments of calm.

Michael,  that poor family having to deal with all those materialistic demands when they will be in agony over the loss of their boy - so unpleasant but not unusual sadly.     Does it get cold during the day in winter where you live ? 
 

Danielle,    it will be interesting as to what the courts decide about the man who sold the drugs to your son.   I hope you don’t find it too upsetting   There has been others on here who have had the court cases of people who have harmed their child dragging on for years - never easy  - even though I understand you didn’t initiate the case.

A peaceful week ahead to you all,  love Roz 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael not a problem,  sometimes I get lost as to who posted as well.

Roz, we have all recovered.  Just some some tiredness. 

Virginia I wonder about you, Kyle and your husband too. Hope all is well. 

Danielle,  I know it won't bring back your son however each person that is accountable for drug dealing is one less on the streets to harm others. 

 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

20 hours ago, Changed said:

Carol, that is very sad news , I feel for you and your friend’s family and friends.   It’s terrible how this awful Covid has devastated families across the globe and continues to do so.   Will we ever have it under control?  Are you all recovered now?
How lovely is it having your granddaughter in your life ? - she will be very aware of her surroundings by Christmas , I should think , and that should help make those days a little easier ( for real and not just for pretend but still rolling with your grief as will we all - missing our children forever no matter what else is happening ) 

Virginia,  How is your husband ?   Not heard anything from you for a while but I hope that he is making good progress - or any progress at all for that matter. How are you and Kyle coping with all this added stress ?   I hope that you are getting some moments of calm.

Michael,  that poor family having to deal with all those materialistic demands when they will be in agony over the loss of their boy - so unpleasant but not unusual sadly.     Does it get cold during the day in winter where you live ? 
 

Danielle,    it will be interesting as to what the courts decide about the man who sold the drugs to your son.   I hope you don’t find it too upsetting   There has been others on here who have had the court cases of people who have harmed their child dragging on for years - never easy  - even though I understand you didn’t initiate the case.

A peaceful week ahead to you all,  love Roz 

 

roz, weather is pretty nice all year round.....it will go down to mid-upper 60's at nite , 80's during the day ......it will rain some from june till october , than some in jan and feb,,,,nice weather overall

[Changed]

I don’t know what is happening with me today - I’ve been crying for hours - was listening to some music from The Mission and the dam burst - I’ve been so distraught at the loss of my David - I’ve got my husband crying with me.  All so hopeless, all so final.  I think that five years of this unimaginable sadness has taken it’s toll.  I wonder if the constant grief and that depressed state can slip into a clinical depression without our realising it .  It’s gone 10 pm here - I’ll watch something gentle on tv and see if I can put these emotions back where they live - it’s probably like a pressure cooker that needs a release to stay safe.   Unlike clinical depression I know exactly why I’m depressed and nothing can change it - that is the worst of it - nothing can change it.     Roz

Carol, I know that we have repeated and repeated all of this over the years - you were right likening it to PTSD - it hits hard at times without warning.  It’s horrible.   

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael not a problem,  sometimes I get lost as to who posted as well.

Roz, we have all recovered.  Just some some tiredness. 

Virginia I wonder about you, Kyle and your husband too. Hope all is well. 

Danielle,  I know it won't bring back your son however each person that is accountable for drug dealing is one less on the streets to harm others. 

 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol 

 

[Mason’s Mom]

3 hours ago, Changed said:

I don’t know what is happening with me today - I’ve been crying for hours - was listening to some music from The Mission and the dam burst - I’ve been so distraught at the loss of my David - I’ve got my husband crying with me.  All so hopeless, all so final.  I think that five years of this unimaginable sadness has taken it’s toll.  I wonder if the constant grief and that depressed state can slip into a clinical depression without our realising it .  It’s gone 10 pm here - I’ll watch something gentle on tv and see if I can put these emotions back where they live - it’s probably like a pressure cooker that needs a release to stay safe.   Unlike clinical depression I know exactly why I’m depressed and nothing can change it - that is the worst of it - nothing can change it.     Roz

Carol, I know that we have repeated and repeated all of this over the years - you were right likening it to PTSD - it hits hard at times without warning.  It’s horrible.   

I wish I could offer you encouragement,  you have offered comfort and compassion to me and so many others. It is so final and sometimes that rips our hearts to shreds. I feel like I have to release the pressure from time to time.  It builds to a point and without a day of crying I am really not sure if my mind or body could handle it. With every change in seasons and holidays it is worse. I feel like another season and still the same pain.  It always makes me think about Mason and what he would be doing.  How we miss him and the laughter he brought to us. With fall in the air the leaves turning and falling to the ground,  daylight hours shorter the darkness closes in. I try to stay busy with sweet Magnolia.  I was alone with her on Saturday evening and I started telling her about Uncle Mason and the tears started.  I felt so torn and mad at myself.  I should be rejoicing and showing her with joy. 

[Changed]

Thanks Carol , I know that you know where I am at.  I’m super emotional and weeping at everything still.  I have to admit that I was crying for myself yesterday .  Often I cry about  what David is missing or for his son and how his life will be altered but yesterday it was selfish - it was how my life is without him and will be forevermore.  
I don’t want to terrify the new people here who are raw and tortured every minute that they will hurt this bad every year until their end - I know that my grieving is not as sharp as that first year after David died but it is always with me and sometimes overwhelms me.   There are triggers everywhere- listening to music or watching a movie - they can turn from pleasure to pain so rapidly and unexpectedly- but at least I can feel pleasure again even if only tentatively.  Animals and children offer that pleasure most readily.

I’m convinced that in a few months time when interaction with Magnolia is more of a two way street the joy will obscure the sadness when you are with her.   Personally, I find small babies hard work - the responsibility weighs heavy , even my own babies did in the day.   Get them past that stage and I’m the bee’s knees -   full of imagination and enthusiasm.    When you are having tea parties , reading books or drawing there will be no space for tears - you will be all in. Of course, later you can reflect .     I remember that on a visit to Australia , when my grandson was two and a half , we were left in charge whilst David and his wife went out.  We had an indoor picnic - together we made inch square sandwiches,  squashed oranges for juice, and divvied up chopped fruit for afters.   He drew on little cards as invitations for his animal toys .  We put down a big blanket and all the plastic plates and beakers ready for the folk to arrive.  My husband knocked on the door and walked in the first visitor clutching their invitation - as our grandson rushed over to greet them he said the practiced   ‘thank you for coming to my party’  but added to every guest,   ‘you may not sit there,  that is my grandad’s place’  which he had made up himself.  We chuckled at him.  The picnic itself was hilarious as he served up the goodies with oversized serving tongs and accidentally catapulted them around the room .  His little face was a treat as I did voice overs  for all his guests and he would respond with such belief.   Fortunately we have it all filmed , along with so many lovely moments  - you are in for a massive treat , Carol, and I’m smiling now just remembering those moments , which tells us something  - that I am able to smile at the memory even though I am in such a low mood right now. 
Thanks ,  Roz
 

[NiquesMom]

I am all over the place. They had moved Christopher to Long Term Care last week and I feel like he took a turn for the worse.  Today they mived him back to ICU. They think maybe he has sepsis. He just keeps going in circles: doing good, then fever starts, altered mental state. They get him straightened out, we have a few days where I can have actual conversation (me reading his lips) and I can see him moving his fingers and toes; and then the fever comes back and we start again.

I am exhausted. Working full time, going to the hospital, taking care of kyle and the house and the dog.

I read everyones posts. Michael, I am sorry about your sons friend, hopefully you can be a small comfort to his parents.

Roz, everything tends to make me cry. I always cried easily but I cry at everything now. Crying is good release.

Carol, one day you will be able to talk about your sons without crying but at least Magnolia is not at an age where she would notoce or mind your tears.

Everyone else, I'm sorry if I missed what you posted. We are all stuck in this terrible loop of grief and loss and I for one am just tired.

[Changed]

Virginia,  that all sounds exhausting for you - you must be all over the place with effort and worry.   It sounds like it might be quite some time before Chris is more settled - he is having a rough time of it, isn’t he.   It must be difficult to keep up your energy levels for all you have to do.    
I guess you can only deal and concentrate on so much at any one time and I’m not sure where you are getting any break from it all - probably Kyle will be your safe place - even if it is when you comfort him or try to keep everything as normal as possible for him - I hope that helps you some too.

Have you still got some support with you or are you having to manage alone ?    I expect your husband’s family have had to go home by now  but hopefully you have been in your home and job long enough  to have people who you can call on for help.   So sorry that you are in the middle of this, Virginia.

Strength to you,  Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

good morning .....virginia i honestly do not have words or the mind set to put myself in your place !! i just cant imagine what you are going thru , but im sure we are all praying for you...

[NiquesMom]

Spoke to the dr in ICU. He is telling me little to no hope Christopher can come off the vent. Last week I was feeling a bit hopeful, but something happened in the transfer between hospital and he is deteriorating. Dr wants to know about a DNR. Based on what dr is saying today I am leaning that way. I believe that if his heart stops again it would be unfair to bring him back. But I am reaching out to his family for input. I believe the story has already been written so whatever decision i make will be what's meant to be.  At least we are not talking about pulling plugs. Cannot wrap my head around all of this, feel like I am on autopilot.

My neighbors and coworkers have been great, but it is so hard. Christopher is my best friend, the person I vent to and who gives me a hug and says its will be ok. I need that now and he isn't able to give it to me.

[Changed]

Virginia,   What an awful decision to have to make - you are the closest person to Christopher and will know what he would want if the time came.   This is all too cruel and I am hoping that it can turn itself around - where there is life and all that.    
You have had to face some terrible things in your life and I’m sorry that you are in the position of dreading the ‘what next’  with your husbands illness.   

We are not your family here but we do all share a bond and we hate to see you with this anguish - poor Kyle - your head must be spinning.  It really is not fair.

Please take care when you are travelling .  Love , Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia I am so sorry to hear this.  You know we are here for you and if I was anywhere near you I would offer a  hug and an ear for the venting. I don't understand why some of us have to struggle with so many challenges and others seem to breeze through life without a  care. I do believe it makes us view the world differently and have more compassion and understanding. I pray for you and Kyle as well as Christopher he sounds like a great guy. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia i have no words , only that i am so sorry. im sorry for kyle ,poor kid ......should i say please stay strong?? we all know it is impossible but please do your best

[Danielle Masata]

Virginia, I am so, so sorry to read of the turmoil you have to cope with.  Please know that I am praying for you, for Christopher, and for Kyle whether I am here on this site or not.  Please also know if there is anything I can personally help you with, let me know.  Food treat? Groceries? Flowers? Books for Kyle? A surprise gift for Kyle like Roblox?  A painting for you?  Blood transfusion?  A home spa treatment, like epson salt + bubble bath + trashy novel)  I am hopeful that all the struggles that Christopher has been dealing with has also given him extra time for getting the latest drugs and treatments that science has developed, like the Merck drug that was recently approved.  Covid was so terribly frightening when it first came into our country, but now doctors are much better informed about what works and what makes a huge difference. Meanwhile, please be sure to take care of yourself too.  You have so much on your plate and it's hard to always be out in a public.

[NiquesMom]

Yesterday Christopher started being responsive again. He is talking (and I am trying to read lips), moving his hands and arms sporadically, trying to sit up. They are going to see if they can place a valve in his tracheotomy that would allow him to have a voice again. This is such a roller coaster, we are going up again. They are waiting for a bed to reopen in the Long Term Care unit. Yesterday and today were good.

[Changed]

Virginia,  That’s really good.  You are probably holding yourself back from being too optimistic after the ride you have been on but there is every reason to be hopeful and I do hope that Christopher continues to recover well.   Not been easy for you all  has it ?  
Thanks for letting us all know how everything is going - I think that everyone here is like me - concerned and willing Christopher to get better.  
Strength and some rest for you,  Roz

[Danielle Masata]

Hi Virginia.  I sure hope your post on Wednesday was a beginning to the crazy roller coaster you've been riding and that now you are just soaring up and up and up.  I've been reading about the newest attack on the virus: Pfizer's Antiviral Pill.  Yeah for that!  This particular pill may be most effective when symptoms first appear, but regardless of the timing, I am putting my money on doctors and scientists working nonstop to help folks like Christopher.  Meanwhile, I pray by now, four days since your last post, that they've found a bed for Christopher in long term care.

[Changed]

On Saturday morning I woke out of a dream - my son , David, was in the dream and it was so ordinary and real.  It was a dream not a visitation but it was so welcome and normal .  I feel the best I have felt since he died - in the dream I was asking him what he wanted for his birthday and he said we could all go camping in Europe - it was short and sweet - it was as if it was right now and as natural as could be.  He looked well and he was happy and relaxed - It didn’t make me sad that it was just a dream - I find that strange, nonetheless, I am happy to have had a moment with him again and it is something I cherish.    I’m not reading anything into it - I don’t think that it is a sign - if anything I’m surprised that I don’t dream about him all the time as he is always on my mind  - it is what it is and it’s made me happy.     Roz 

Sorry, the font was so big and bold - like I was shouting .   Probably just excited.  Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, sounds so good to wake up and feel better.  To feel like you had a good time with  David.  I keep waiting for a dream like that. 

[Changed]

Carol , I wish that for you too - just to be asking Mason what he’d like on his sandwich kind of scenario- normal everyday stuff .  I knew you would understand.  Roz.   

[Michael Rodriguez]

roz . im so happy you feel that good about a dream , i wish i could have one with B .......must be terrific to have that feeling of closeness if it is only for a few moments

[Changed]

Yes Michael,  the feeling still lingers too.  I hope that it doesn’t fade.  
How are you?   I hope that you are getting comfort, support and understanding .  The first year after loss is having to face lots of  ‘firsts’ without them .   It is so painful .  I can hardly remember the first year - it felt surreal- I read on this forum but couldn’t summon the courage to write anything .    It is a whole body and mind trauma .   
Take care, Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks roz, yes it is surreal .... yesterday , it was the first time we loaded 9 north bound containers in one single afternoon. going to miami, tampa, north carolina and georgia ...... i was standing on the back of the loading dock and was trying to picture B coordinating all the work and logistics for it .....picture him wearing kacki cargo pants and a black polo company shirt ......God , i miss him and need him so much ........sorry..... i had not written to him for a while, i did this morning .....and that is what i told him .....i envy all those parents that have all their kids , i sure do 

[Mason’s Mom]

Last night when I went to bed I was thinking about David, Nique and Brian.  I know that sounds strange but I was thinking how cool it would be if we could all have the dreams like Roz.  I thought about Mason and how I think I stop myself from dreaming about him because I try to keep my mind from drifting to the loss of him and I have been so afraid of dreaming of him in a nightmare. That may sound strange, but I have often wondered if he knew what was happening and if he was scared.  These are the thoughts I have to fight to sleep so maybe I am stopping myself.  I think I am rambling on and on.  That has kinda how I have been lately. 

MIchael, it is hard to not envy parents with all their children.. It is especially hard to see parents that mistreat their children.  I know I wasn't a perfect Mom for Mason but I loved him and made sure he knew.  I have regrets but I can truly say he wasn't abused physically (he was much bigger than me) and he was not emotionally abused by me or his dad. 

 

Peace and comfort to all,

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

never would i accept abuse of a child.....i cant see anybody doing so , as a matter of fact i have spoiled my kids ....nikki , who is 33 years old , married with a heck of a well paying job, probably making more money than i do, still will use my cc when she wants to spoil herself......have dad pay for the enjoyment!!!!

[Changed]

Carol,  it would be wonderful if we could order up a dream and be reassured that it would be a happy comfortable one -  Try not to overthink it.  It is probably wise to not think about the saddest times when you are ready to sleep - heaven knows that you will already be thinking that way throughout the day - find something entirely different to focus on.  I actually say ( in my head , of course)  ‘nope, don’t think that ‘ and jump straight to something mundane and safer.    I have mentioned before the technique i used when I did a lot of long haul travel to get to sleep .       It is unusual for me to remember dreaming at all - I must be very boring- unlike my husband and daughter who have lots going on , and remembered it, when they sleep.

When you said that you wondered if Mason knew what was happening and if he was scared - I think many , if not most, of us worry about that for our own children and it is heavy and troubling.   We intended to go before our kids and never imagined that we would be in the position we find ourselves in - the questioning and searching for understanding goes on and on.   Can you imagine meeting Mason and catching up - I think that there would be so much to talk about but how he left you would be brief then onto everything you have done in his name and all about his lovely niece.   Smile at the thought .
 

Have an easy day,  Roz

[Changed]

Michael,  you had a very close relationship with B - you will be feeling his loss hard and it must be a constant physical reminder that he is not there at work with you.    You sound very busy .    Does writing to him help at all?  I knew of someone who had lost their adult child and would pick up a disconnected phone and have a chat with them - they said it was so natural and beneficial.   
Take care ,  Roz
 

[Danielle Masata]

I too have wondered if Patrick was aware of his last moments.  We know for sure the end result was never intentional.  His dad was helping him to "go upstairs and rest", but returned soon after and immediately started CPR when he saw Patrick hadn't moved.  I try not to think of his last moments because I wasn't there and because it was such a chaotic shock (and happening right when rioters were storming the Capitol). It was also strange because Patrick knew chemical compounds so well that it's bizarre to think he took too much to kill himself, except that today's drugs are so much more powerful and often illegally changed to be more deadly.  Anyway, how he died was never how he lived, and that's what I try to focus on.

I don't know details from many you here of how your son/daughter died.  I try to quiet my curious mind with that last sentence I wrote ("Anyway, how he died ...").  Even so, I wonder how attitudes about someone changes based on how they died.  I went to a funeral reception recently and was talking with someone whose brother died of alcohol/drug addiction.  Her attitude was of complete disgust.  I then went home to read his obituary and it was so basic, I felt so sad for this guy.  To me, that lack of support was abusive too.

I write to Patrick every night and/or sit in this little beanbag chair he bought for his apartment just a few months before he died and talk to him.  Helps me feel close to him.  I miss him so much.  Michael, your story about loading the container shipments is heartbreaking, but I pictured B was right near you as you worked.  I hoped you felt it too, but maybe you were too busy.  I'm glad you wrote to him after your long day.  Roz, there have been so many, many times I feel Patrick's presence.  I haven't awoken from a dream as you did, but one time I even asked my husband if he heard "Patrick" too.  Even recently, I'll hear Patrick coughing, as he used to just before he feel asleep.  Carol, I hope you too have a dream like Roz wrote about.  I hope you'll fall asleep, putting yourself in one of your happier moments with Mason and you can relive that time.  Happy visuals are a powerful help to ease the mind and often, as I close my computer late at night, one of the last images I turn to is one I've labeled "Truly Happy".  It's from a video his buddy took of Patrick accepting a towel from his friend to cool off at a skatepark.

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, thank you and I do my best to focus on good when I try sleep.

Danielle, I think that when a young person passes away and hasn't had an illness there will rumors and questions as to why they died. People asks me and our family if Mason had died of alcohol poisoning or a drug overdose.  Until the autopsy we weren't sure of what had caused his death. I didn't matter to me, he is gone.  I think anyone that  judges a person on the manner of death needs to do some real soul searching.  Perhaps the sister that was so disgusted was trying to mask her pain or maybe she has a lack of empathy. My point of view is the loss of child is traumatic for parents and the cause of death will vary but I believe our pain is deep and we most feel guilt for one thing or another.  For example how could I not know that Mason had a heart defect, even though the medical examiner explained the most common symptom is  sudden death. 

Peace and comfort to all,

 

Carol

[Michael Rodriguez]

On 11/9/2021 at 2:21 PM, Changed said:

Michael,  you had a very close relationship with B - you will be feeling his loss hard and it must be a constant physical reminder that he is not there at work with you.    You sound very busy .    Does writing to him help at all?  I knew of someone who had lost their adult child and would pick up a disconnected phone and have a chat with them - they said it was so natural and beneficial.   
Take care ,  Roz
 

roz, for some reason i thought i had reply !! yes it does , it makes me cry from really deep in my heart and when i finish , i feel some relief (for at least 5 minutes) .... iget to go back in time and tell him how i enjoyed doing something or another with him, write about the headaches at school and remind him of everything we went thru together .....some years we would go skiing for christmas other times we would spend christmas at a lake about 100 miles from home and go night fishing on new years eve. that was when he was in his early teens ----i have never been so close to one person as i was with Brian......i have become a different person 

[NiquesMom]

Roz, so happy for you! Hang on to that feeling as long as you can!

Michael, I know what you Mean when you say you are a different person. I am almost at 4 years since Nique died, and I miss who I used to be. I used to love decorating for all the holidays, had a tree up all year with different decorations. Now I have to force myself to decorate because my son doesn't deserve to miss our on anything just because I don't feel like it

[Changed]

I have alway thought that this is so true about myself….Roz

[Mason’s Mom]

I agree I am not the same person.  I work work so hard to be a better me. I loved music and  it was a constant in my life.  I struggle with so many songs unless others are around I rarely listen.  I try to listen from time to time but it just isn't the same and if certain songs or artist play it is like a dagger to my heart. That is just one of the differences in who I am now. 

[Changed]

Same here , Carol, music can cut deep.     I’m ok with music from before we had David but that leaves a lot to avoid.   I have had many a public melt down in the last five years.    I have started trying to listen to things that I liked even if they upset me now - a sort of desensitisation I suppose - I do ok for a short time but I find myself full of guilt that I’m able to enjoy music and how dare I?   It can turn from pleasure to pain so quickly. 
We both know our boys wouldn’t want that to be the case but it’s not easy  is it?    Guilt isn’t something they would wish for us.
Your Magnolia is going to give you such genuine happiness and fun once she is toddling and talking - hang in there.   Not to say you won’t  still grieve and suffer but there will be guilt free relief when you are playing with her.   
Guilt is a major factor in my misery - put simply , guilt that I am here and he is not  but until I end I will have to learn to live with that .

Take care,  Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

15 hours ago, Changed said:

I have alway thought that this is so true about myself….Roz

yep!!!! i sure miss me

[Danielle Masata]

The old me?  I forgot she even existed.  I was the "mom of 3 boys" and then it changed to "mom of 3 guys".  So who am I now?  Especially hard since they don't live in this house.  It's just too quiet.  We never experienced being empty nesters.  I know my husband misses his old self too.  Now, instead of having to worry about Patrick, or feed him, buy clothes for him, talk with him.... he only has me.  And that has not done wonders for our marriage.

Carol, it's really all about "the dash", isn't it?  Not the beginning, nor the end, but how that person lived and what he/she represented.  Have you heard of the dash?  My priest spoke about that concept in a Homily a few years ago and I still remember it.  You can also look up the poem, The Dash by Linda Ellis.

Michael, what lovely remembrances.  I hope you write many more.  And maybe even make them into a picture journal.  It's hard to do, but it's such a great way to celebrate your experiences.  Lately I feel as if I was so close to Patrick, that maybe I felt even closer to him than to my husband (keeping what would be appropriate in a mother/son relationship).  But emotionally, Patrick felt so safe with me and told me everything.  

[NiquesMom]

Walked into Christopher's room and he waved at me! Such a huge moment, made my heart glad

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia that is great.  He looks very good for all he has been through. 

[Changed]

Virginia - so pleased for you.  Chris does look incredibly good.  I hope you can dial down your stress levels a bit now .  Roz

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

im so glad for all 3 of you....was kyle able to see his dad?? give him my regards on my behalf.....all the way from honduras!!!

[NiquesMom]

Thank you all! Kyle was able to see the video. He is struggling with the holidays coming. Dad wont be home and he is missing nique, feelings are right at the top of his skin, trying extra hard to have patience with him. Holidays are hard now anyways, told my son its just going to suck this year, no way around it