Members ericasmom Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Lauren's dad, I am so sorry that you are having to face the bare facts that there is nothing you can do to really fix this sadness...it is only time and more time that will allow you to find some semblance of life again. I know that you feel that Lauren is/was the only good positive energy you have produced in your life, but I would bet she would argue that. I would bet she would name many attributes about you that she loves. Listen closely because she will try to let you know. I fully believe that our Babies communicate with us as best they can, she probably has left you clues to her communications. How is your wife handling this terrible loss? Her urging your coming here means that she wants more for you...kind of tells me that you do what so many have done, beat yourself up for not being able to prevent your Girl from dying. I do believe we all have done this but I feel as though Men/Dads do it more. That inherent sense of protecting ones child. I have gone to therapy for a few years here and a few months there, a patchwork of when I need to strengthen my skills at handling anxiety. Luckily for me, the therapist I have gone to over the many years was who I went to as new Mom to my Daughter. I then went back years later when going through a divorce and subsequent issues, but then when Erica was killed in 2003, I went back for a longer while. I needed that weekly time to just unload and retell and remember and shed my shock. Losing Erica, losing Lauren and all the Parents here, Grandparents too, means finding a way to live, but first finding out why you should. But you should. She wants you to, there is still work for you here so please find a way to stay but to stay with a purpose. I think the purpose is what we often lose, so finding a new one or renewing an old one...whatever it is, find it and when you do so, you will help your Lauren shine even brighter. Make her light bright, stand where she cannot and know that you will always be her Daddy. None of what we say here will be new, none of it profound, but finding a place to say it is what is healing. Tell us what you can about your lives and about Lauren's life when you are able. Kate, that beautiful TREE OF JEFF is amazing. So healthy and full. Thanks so much for sharing. Glad that you liked the poem Georgina and Dianne and glad that you know what I mean about my relationship with Erica, Laurie... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Georgina, the Healing Garden is built in the center of our small hospital in Gimli. We live in a small community about an hour drive from Winnipeg which is situated on lake Winnipeg. We moved up here permanently a few years ago. We love the rural life and really enjoy the outdoors. The garden is terrific as it is seen from all four sides of the hospital being focused in the middle. There are windows all around the area and doors to enter into it. The idea is that it is a place of healing and comfort as it focuses on nature and a peaceful setting. The gardens are just lovely in summer. There are pelicans that have feathers that have name plates donated to loved ones that have passed. If you look at the bottom of the tree in a corner you will see a bit of a stand sticking out of the snow. It is a real tree that we give to the hospital every Christmas. They asked us to donate clear or whitish lights ...although I would have preferred colored . This way as it is outdoors they leave the tree standing until spring. The needles do not die as they are frozen from the cold temps. Jeff was a true Christmas hound. All things bright and cheery. I love the tree as it can be enjoyed by both patients and staff and visitors. It has now become known as Jeff's tree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 For Michael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 For Matthew on his first angelversary. Come and show your mom how much you will always love her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Michael, on this special day surround your family with love and fill their hearts with loving memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Momma Bear Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Thanks again everyone for being here. Dee, that's the only time I feel old is when someone asks me how old my kids are. Matt was 23 when he died. Jeana will be 36 on the 21st of December, and that makes me 53. Matt moved out 3 months before he died and yes because of the circumstances I hold a lot of guilt even though he made his own choices. He got phlebitis in his leg which caused a blood clot that exploded at the base of his heart. His roommate found him in the morning. A year exactly before he died one of the kids in our town had committed suicide because of the bullying he had put up with for years. Matt asked me what I'd do if one of them died, I told him I would die too and I did for a long time. It's just recently that it feels like someone is trying to kickstart me back to life. I really do believe he knew he was going to die early. The next few years didn't get much better as 4 months after Matt, my dog died I think because of a broken heart, my Sister found out she was pregnant and at the same time they found cancer. She opted to have the baby, a little boy in 2007 and she died 2 months later. My marriage also ended the day Matt died, the ex blamed me. Well there is a little bit of my story. Thanks for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Dianne.....I thought of you yesterday....and wanted to post something last night but had NO time....not enough for me to arrange my thoughts and heart for you.... We are here to hear you and want you to know we are holding you....in a special way that only parents that walk the same mile that you do....it is hard to explain with common words...so....we seem to convey our care with understanding across the miles... I will wish you a sliver of comfort....for a sliver is all a parent needs to get by....just one more day....hold on...just one more day....we will rise just one more day.....I found all I could do is get by just 'that one day at a time'.... and time had a different kind of 'tick tock' for me....some days felt like 72 hours....I hope, too, that you can find a tiny, tiny little light in this dark day....you know....he would not have left you unless he had to.... Some of our children have to leave this earth home....it is not our choice....and we don't have that control....and that is why we link our hands with other parents and learn to survive with each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 MICHAEL...Sweetest Boy, your eyes shine out at us and we in return smile back at your photo, and now to the dark inky skies, asking that you are feeling free and safe and whole again. Sit on your Momma's shoulder today as she finds ways to deal with this date,this time, this year. Let her always feel your love and your strength, as you celebrate hers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Matt-we are learning about your life and your leaving, from your sweet Momma. Give her the hug she loves most today, letting her know that no matter how long...the relationship never ends. Momma and Son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted November 28, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 28, 2015 Michael, Michael, Michael, Saying your name today on this first angelversary. May your mom feel your specialness close to her heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members InHeavensKeeping Posted November 29, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Micheal let your mum feel your comfort today. Give her lots of signs that your ok.. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted November 29, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 MICHAEL.....SAYING YOUR NAME, AND REMEMBERING YOU.....AN ANGEL. MATT-----SMILE DOWN ON YOUR MAMA TODAY FROM HEAVEN, AND WARM HER HEART. Kate-----So nice that your town has such lovely festivities to attend with friends. Jeff'stree is just magnificent.....love it with the lights,....or with the snow as it's only decoration.Beautiful tree! Thanks for sharing the pics. Lauren's dad-----You are welcome here at this site, where no one ever wants to be. But,here you will find understanding that is sometimes difficult to find elsewhere in thebusy world we live in. I'm so sorry for your loss of your daughter, Lauren. The point thatyou are at right now is so early, on this agonizing road. We all ask ourselves....... Why?and there seems to be no answer. Time is our only friend.....while it also seemsto be a formidable enemy, I know ...I'm sorry. Please come back to BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo).Peace to you. Laurie-----My mom is holding her own....good days, and bad days, as can be expected ather advanced age. Thanks for asking. Are you getting snow in your area? Rainy and coldhere, but not too bad yet. Peace to you, friend. Lora...Cara's mom-------So good to see your post, and Cara's lovely smile. I was just thinkingof you recently, and wondering how you are doing. ( must be ESP or something) . How'syour kitties doing? Dee----thanks for the poem. Yes---'the empty chair'.......always there to remind us, but wereally don't need to be reminded, do we? Terrible news of the boy killed in a gang-relatedmurder. Been watching it on the news. So sad. Susan-----thanks for the screen shot. Yes, I agree with it----we have to let it go at somepoint. NOT to let our darlings go.....never that, but to try to stop beating ourselves up. Peace to you. WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members InHeavensKeeping Posted November 29, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Oh Kate I just love that. So special and such a perfect memory marker every year. It looks enchanting in the snow I love the snow we hardly get any most years just a light dusting late January time. This is for all of us God Bless Georgina xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted November 29, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Thank you to all for helping me through that horrible one year mark. It was the second most difficult thing I ever did. I know all of you can relate to that. I think the term forever just never registered before and somehow that one year mark made it more than real.We got to finally Facetime our granddaughter and to hear her say,"That's my Sama" and get so excited. That helped more than my daughter realized. Michael sent me a sign on Thanksgiving morning that was very special to me and one neither I nor my husband could mistake. It was surreal. The day did not go well but it was all about remembering last year and how Michael, my daughter, her husband, Tim and I and even Piper had such a good time with Michael. I will hold that in heart forever. Last night I felt the anxiety of the clock as I watched for his time of death but I kept telling myself it had already happened. I could not lose him again.But today is another day. Heartfelt gratitude to all of you for watching my meltdown and offering such support. While I have lost my son, I feel that I have been blessed with a place to turn to. Eileen, I know we haven't seen you for a little, but Matthew was in my thoughts also. I know you also just hit that same mark. I hope somehow you made it through. We have my Michael, James, Francesca's Michael, Matthew and now Lauren all so close in time. I hope somehow, Erica, John David, Jesse, Trista, Jeff, Brooks, Brian, Jared( apologies for anyone I missed.) have somehow managed to be able to share stories with each other about their parents, families, and taking care of their baby brothers and sisters. You know, sitting around a big table and chatting..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted November 29, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 wanted to share this with all of you.....this message was from Tommy....one of John David's best..best buddies.... it is true.....our children...loved ones do love and care for us....and also near to us....sometimes we need to get out of our own way.....sometimes be silent....and quiet our emotions.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted November 29, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Dianne.....we are so brave....to live one day after our child leaves this earth home....Dee said that many times... give yourself a hug and a pat on the back....we know how hard it is to bring that courage up to the surface...rise again another day.... Eileen...yes we are thinking of you, too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted November 29, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 getting forest's funeral program out of a box of funeral home stuff that has been sitting there since that time (to fix a new book for the cemetery as the old one is nearly full) and found my arms shaking so hard. even now having trouble typing. what a weird unexpected thing. i shook really hard and my teeth chattered the first few times i saw pictures of the car but this came upon me as a total surprise. almost 4 and a half years. i wasn't even really thinking of him just trying to find the program. the effects of our children's deaths reach so far into everything. so many things we aren't even aware of. i know it must do that to their siblings too. mine don't talk about it much. marshall told me he took a picture of some girls in europe that he knew forest would like. i guess it is the background of our lives. i wish it hadn't happened to my kids. that it has dulled the edges of my life doesn't matter as much but i see their exuberance isn't what it was before. forest was THE dynamic force in our family and the void is incredibly large and glaring. i haven't read but i hope everyone got through thanksgiving ok. ours was pretty low key. back to work tonight, it is cold and rainy and flooding here. love to all. you are always in my heart even though i'm not here often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted November 29, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2015 Gretchen....good to hear from you.....I put 'all' that stuff in gorgeous cabinet that I had hand painted...lots of stuff...I knew I could not look at it every day and find some balance...I had to take responsibility for myself...and I do understand about how the fabric of our other children's lives have been torn.... a song of sadness and memory always seem to be humming in the background of every get together.... Lora....good to hear from you....think of you and Cara often....did your parents get their house sold and move in with you....how about your son....still going to school ? I, too, have wished I could take a year sabbatical from all holidays... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted November 30, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 30, 2015 Matthew Dear-A year is a very very long time and yet a blink of the eye. Help your Momma with the abstraction of time and her broken heart as she sees one year pass. Be free and filled with peace and let your mom know just how wondrous you are. Eileen, I am holding you in my heart and in my prayers...breathe and know that your Son is rooting for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted November 30, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 30, 2015 Lora, so good to see you here the other day. It is good to know that you are out there finding your way. How are your Boys? Parents? Brother? Was it your Brother who was injured? Forgive me if I have mixed up stories.I hope that you are well, that some new energy has entered your life and that it is good. Gretchen, good to also see you here. Back to work you say???Weren't you on a sick leave due to injury? I hope that being back to work is good, but do be careful on the roads, they keep showing your part of the country on the news with the slick roads and flooding. How are the Kids? And the grandies? Yes, the lives of our Beloved Children are always being thought of by their siblings, and in some ways, your Son thinking of what his Brother would like is a way of keeping that relationship alive. I wish you goodness. Sherry the protests have all but shut down Holiday shopping downtown this week, the protests for the boy shot 16 times a year and a half ago. What I want to know is why did it take 400 days to get this cop off the force and what I also want to know is why oh why are youth taking the lives of other youth, drive-by shootings and gang crap? The lives of those in poverty must change...schools must be equitable and parents must take the lead at home with teaching right from wrong first thing...oh boy, I am preaching and while I don't mean to, I am sorrowful for the daily losses in our city. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted November 30, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 30, 2015 Dee....I watch the news ....my Dad was very adamant about current events...I would have to talk about something that 'happened on that day'....at dinner....it is more a habit....but some days...I just have to watch the weather...and that is all I can take....the execution of the 9 year old boy about did me in that day I heard...I know how it stays with me. For all of us on this site...it is all so 'senseless'...and sinister....that so many do not value life. Beyond sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted November 30, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 30, 2015 just back to work after a long weekend. kids are ok. i think the kids all have little ways to keep a relationship with forest. ashlie too especially logan since they all lived together.here's allison with gbabies attached Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted November 30, 2015 Members Report Share Posted November 30, 2015 Gretchen, those grandbabies really are attached! Too cute. Susan, what a treasure the comment from John David's friend was. To know that our children are remembered by those who shared their friendship. Dee, I agree that it is hard to see such violence. I have read so much about trying to live an enlightened life, to spread love and compassion among those we meet. But when we are faced with these everyday atrocities, it seems like it is trying to move a lake one teaspoon at at time. Yet if no one continued on with goodness, it would be so much worse. Prayers for all you do there as a teacher. Thanks for your guidance in their lives and in ours. Georgina, thanks for sharing the song for us. Sherry, we don't have snow right now in northern Wisconsin but I found out there is frost in the ground. I went to Jesse's site yesterday, but was unable to change his flowers as they were firmly frozen. The only thing I could change was the floral chain that I wrap around the Shepherd's hook there. Eileen, Sending you gentle thoughts as this first Angelversary goes by. Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, you are the song of your mama's heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted December 1, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2015 Laurie-----So nice that you could at least change the flower chainon the shepherd's hook at Jesse's grave. I always think that it'sextra sad to visit our darlings' graves in the winter. Always sad,but something extra sorrowful when the weather is so cold andstark, and lonely at the cemetery. I visited Davey's and Lisa's grave a couple days ago. We still need to take the Christmastrees down to put on. Gretchen------thanks for the cute pic of the sweet grandies. Dee----Yes....it's such a terrible loss......all the young peopledying. Teens, adults, and even children. I don't know whatthe answer is. Wish it could change .......throughout the nation. Georgina------Thanks for the poem. Sad words....so true. I knowthat each of us here at BI can read the words and think of ourdarlings. WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 1, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2015 I promise to post tomorrow...Sherry...Dee....in the third year...did you feel numb...the shock suit does not fit as tight...where do I go...where ...oh where....I am 'ok'....and finding it ok...to be just ok....and I think that is good enough for me and now.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted December 1, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted December 1, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2015 Lora, I am so happy for your Jared, to have found the work he wants in the city he now loves...wow! He is like his Mom, a very hard working person. Dedicated and driven by this. I laughed when I read how many jobs you were holding down, you have always had the capacity to be super busy and do it well. That on top of moving and moving your parents is an amazing feat. Hats off to you. I love my alone time too, it is holy and a gift unto itself. May your alone time allow your spirit what is needed, may you feel your Sweet Cara near as you step into each day. The violence in today's streets in our cities is just plain sad, heartbreaking, and when whole communities can't allow their kids outside to play, well then, a major chink in our system is broken. It really has to start from the ground up and that does mean teaching young young ones how to be responsible, how to eat healthy foods, how to listen, how to play, how to clean up, how to show care, but these just can't start in kindergarten, the mold is set by then, we at schools can only take the gifts and deficiencies and work within a 6 hour period and hope to heavens we can do our very best with both and every issue in between. I do not work in the city, I grew up there but my family moved to a nearby suburb when I was 12. I love the city, go there often but I teach in a suburb, firs one west of Chicago so we are about 12 blocks from Chicago's west side, one of the more violent areas. The suburb in which I teach is very diverse middle class and liberal. It is where I raised my kids, it is what I love. We of course have kids that are living below the poverty line but they are helped through various funds and programs, not the least of which is The Erica Reith Fund that allows kids from our school some of what will enhance their lives; sports, tutors, scouts, holiday gifts, skating/pool passes...so we do our best in all we have and count ourselves lucky for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted December 1, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2015 Lora-----Yikes----80 hr. work-week! I believe I'd be dragging after that .Glad that you are slowing down a bit on your hours, though. Also,-good that you are moved and settled in your new apartment. Gladthat the kitties made the adjustment. I think pets pretty much do ok in a move----they just want to be with their masters---have their foodbowls nearby, and a soft & warm place to sleep. I agree.......one must allow time for the pain to come out. The pain of missing ourdarlings, and you are right---that won't go away, but it does have tocome out sometimes. So nice that Jared is where he wants to be, anddoing a job he loves. Take care, friend. Susan----The 3rd year can be very rough, in ways that are different fromthe first couple of years, I think. As you say.....the shock suit hasloosened up somewhat. I believe I had some 'meltdowns' in the thirdyear by going over the "whys", and "if onlys". This is natural on thisroad we're on, I guess. I think that it's not like when others urge us to "move on",it's just more like being able to carry on. Dee-----Yes, the violence in cities and towns is alarming. Too many gunsin the hands of the wrong people. I think that teachers do their best toinstill many of the values that you mentioned into their pupils. In thehome is the ideal place for these values to begin to be taught, but alas, manyhomes do not have someone who is committed to doing the teachingof the children. Teaching is an admirable profession, and many timesis unappreciated, I know. Your classes are lucky to have you. Mydaughter, Becky, will graduate in the spring semester for education.She's student teaching now, and will continue with it in the spring. Lately I've been thinking of many of the dear people who have been onBI in the past........Bonnie (Jason's mom), Artina (Chris' mom), Claudia (Joey),Marcia (Bethany's mom), Rhonda (Westley's mom), Amy (Ashley's mom),Wade (Brooks dad), Wanda (Lane's mom), Cindy (Tanner's mom),Betsy (Rich's mom),Beth (Zack's mom), Carol (Mike's mom), Ted (Nick's dad), Trudi (Micheal and Steven's mom), Betsy (Danny's mom), Greg (Brian's dad),..........and so many others that I know I'm forgetting.Wishing peace to all of the dear BI friends. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flocicero Posted December 2, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2015 Diane & Eilleen, thinking of you & your precious boys, Michael & Matthew.....I know this first anniversary was so very difficult, but you have survived....broken ....but you are here... With all of us , in this place where not one of us ever imagined we would be......I am home now in Wisconsin & I've been so very busy trying to get somewhat organized...started my new job yesterday...so much going on....being busy keeps my mind occupied but Michael is always with me......I still haven't had a day go by without shedding tears for my boy....his birthday is coming up Dec 20th, this will be his 2nd birthday in heaven... Still can't deal with any of this.....It's starting to snow....softly.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sholl1955 Posted December 2, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2015 Today is my Sarah's birthday. Her 37th. My heart longs for what it cannot have.Wishing all a restful night.Sandy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted December 2, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2015 SARAH, Sweet and beautiful Daughter, Mother, Sister, Friend...Happy Heavenly Birthday, I hope that the Angels you are with share this day in a big way...music, all of your favorite memories shining from star to star. You are loved for all of time, and time is forever. Sandy, I know the longing in your soul. I hope that this day holds some magic as it brought you the brightest light in your life, that light still shines on you and within you and from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 2, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2015 Sandy.....all of us on this site know how this day that brought us such joy...can also pierce our hearts....I will always 'celebrate' John David's birth-day on this earth home....I 'celebrate' in a different way now. I truly....believe they did not die....they just left this earth home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 2, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 2, 2015 Lora.....thank you for giving us an update.....once again....certain 'dates'....your Cara left this earth home on June 13thmy Randa was born on June 13thmy Daddy died on June 13th.... You have been a busy woman....I have always considered myself a workaholic....but....you have me beat hands down. I do like the busy of my business....but like you, I find I do have to have my alone time....I have to have that time to collect myself....do my inner check list....check my temperature....a time where my thoughts can wander around my thinking room. Applause for your son and his work....it takes a very special person to work with autistic children.I hope your brother can find some 'work' he can do at home....if he is like you....those idle hands will create a very sad life. There are so many things one can do at home because of the internet. This '3rd' year on the grief journey has it's own pitfalls and shades of grief.....I know for a fact that if I had not found this site I would be so much worse....the parent's that have stayed on this site for so many years let me know I could survive...and all the parents on here let me know I was not in this alone. Thank you for reaching out to me when I came to this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 3, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 If time were not a moving thing and I could make it stay..... Most of us would like to take a 'holiday' from the holidays....but they come....and then we are in the midst of them....there is no place to hide....for commercialism has the lights...music...colors...coming from every source. It is like some kind of forced rule that everyone should 'be merry and bright'.... One of the knee jerk reactions most parents feel after losing their child is to ....walk away...run away...fly away...but that is an escape thought....to escape from the pain.... The holidays also bring about escape thoughts. All of us have different family situations...I was in such shock...(the 'shock suit' fit very, very tight)...and very dense brain fog.....and what I did was simply go by habit...we have 5 other adult children....14 GRANDchildren....and I could not cancel the holidays. I kept it simple in that I did not add other decorations...nothing new....did not buy 'more'....I just did what 'habit and tradition' I had done...and kept it at that. It was so...so....so hard to go shopping in the stores where you hear the music...and for some reason...the grocery store was the worst....I guess because John David would shop with me...and give me 'lessons' on what and how to buy...(yes...he was the 'best chef' ever...and he did not get that DNA from me)....how many times did I have to leave the store with groceries in the cart....?? I lost count. I am just posting this to let parents know that you are not alone in having a hard time living through the holidays.This is my 3rd year on the grief journey...and I am still just doing what I have done...nothing new this year, either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted December 3, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 3, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 Lora....I, too, am reminded of the parents on this site and their child....I think the connection we have with this kind of grief...we have a special layer of remembering the child that left this earth home....the other day...I heard that song, 'I Drive Your Truck' and thought of Jesse David.... there was a day I saw a girl with long dark hair and thought of Eri...when Pibby played soccer I thought of your Cara...it is a good thing... in this 3rd year...I (sometimes) can feel a certain kind of joy that I had and still have my John David...I am still in the survivor stage.....I am not surviving and thriving....yet....but I am reaching for that sweet balance between 'Grace and Grief'... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted December 3, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 Lora, I am so impressed by Jared wearing the Eri shirt...thank you so much. What a lovely bit of news on a day that holds so much ache for the world where violence has taken a larger toll again. Yesterdays shootings in California just breaks my heart, because now, all those families need to make the most sad arrangements ever and for what? BEcause someone was angry?My husband's uncle passed this morning at 2:00 AM. He is peaceful now. A former student, who is now at middle school just found out that her mom, who had been missing since Saturday, was found deceased in her car just a few miles away behind a factory. This Mom has always had issues and therefore this little girl has always been a sad little girl with a lot of anxiety...and now what?Sorry to be a downer, please send prayers for Cate as she is now so much more alone than before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 3, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 Dee....there has to be a special place and special Guardian Angels for teachers.....so much is placed upon your shoulders and hearts with society having a meltdown with family values....I will say layers of prayers for Cate....wish I lived down the street...and could be there in human form for that little girl.... Dark days are ahead for those families... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted December 3, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 3, 2015 Lora, thanks for the remembrance of Jesse, it means so much. I too think about the children of the site, sometimes something will trigger that. I will always remember Cara's song. It is unbelievable this much time has passed. I feel it is mostly at odds with me though the pain is not as raw as it first was. Dee, so sorry for the loss of your student's mother, and also the loss of your husband's dear uncle. Now, you don't ever have to apologize for feeling how you do. This is the one place where we can be free to express how we really feel. And I so appreciate that. Hugs. ------------------------------------------------------------A synchronicity today: I was driving to a nearby town and had to stop for a funeral procession. As I waited, a song from my CD played, "Angels Watching Over Me". It is a children's song. So as the line of cars pulled in until the finish, the song was going. Timing from the Universe. Thinking of all Indigoes tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted December 4, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Susan----I agree.....sometimes we just want to escape the holidays. I findmyself getting anxiety at this time---with the upcoming whirlwind ofparties, gatherings, festivities that we will be invited to go to,....(andexpected to attend). I'm always soooo relieved when Jan. arrives, andit's all over with. As you say, though, there are so many other loved ones in ourlives who want to include us---especially grandies. We find it hard tobow out of these holiday gatherings. Throughout my 12.5 years onBI---along with Dee-----we've heard the same lament from many parents,and others who have lost beloved children and other loved ones whohave passed.----the fact that holidays brings sadness along with thejoy of sharing holidays with those who are with us. You mentionedhow going to stores---and particularly grocery stores, brings a lumpto the throat. I, too, feel that way. Thinking of David and the thingshe liked and how I looked for his favorites....especially at Christmas.Commercialism bombards us from all sides, of course. But, somehowwe get through it, don't we? Peace to you, friend. HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY......... SWEET SARAH. Sandy---Thinking of you and sending prayers. Lora----Yes----it's a noticeable thing. The change and sadness inthe voice after the tragedy of losing children. Your son, Mitchell,noticed it, and it's something that we become so used to livingwith..... that we forget that others can notice it. Good that Mitchellhas been able to open up some about sweet Cara's death. Myhusband and I was laughing about how pictures on our Driver's License always seem 'bad', and got out our driver's licenses to trade andget a laugh. We both remarked how we looked like a couple of'sad-sacks' in our pictures. So true that sadness comes throughin our voices, and in our faces. My mom is failing & bedridden.My kitty is doing well.....she was born outside (feral) and not broughtto the no-kill facility (along with 2 litter mates and the mom kitty), so the kittenshad already been hunting food to survive, so she's an outdoor/& indoor kitty.Loves to go outside in the daytime....any kind of weather. We make her stay in at night, though. There a lots of coyotes aroundhere, along with hawks and large owls that could be a danger. Dee------Sorry for the little student whose mom was found dead.Sending prayers for that dear little one. Also, sorry that yourhusband's uncle passed.....may he rest in peace. Oh....themassacre in San Bernardino, CA is so sad. There are so manyshootings anymore. Angry people killing because they areangry? Wish that it would just STOP. PEACE AND SERENITY TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flocicero Posted December 4, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Sandy, I hope you felt sweet Sarah's love for her mama.....that ache in the heart just never goes away...how could it...The holidays.....I went to Sendiks this afternoon just to pick up some flowers for a coworker.....the beautiful Christmas decorations nearly did me in......I choked back tears .....I can't explain how I felt...it's as if I realized for the first time that my boy really is gone....how long must I be here without him....my beautiful Christmas baby gone forever.....I just can't bear it much longer.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted December 4, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Dee, so sorry to hear about your husband's uncle. At least he is now free of his pain. I am also saddened to hear about your former student Cate. Very sad situation indeed. This is a really, really difficult time of the year for anyone that has lost a close family member. I was held captive yesterday afternoon in a waiting room at a Clinic forced to hear Christmas music. I too must admit that I almost lost it on a couple of occasions and ran for the door. Those triggers are everywhere at this time of year. It is a time that we are forced into finding out how strong we have to be for the sake of others. Some times...I just don't want to be. And yet...after almost six years next Saturday I will admit that there are times that I do find joy in what I am doing. One day at a time is all we can ask of ourselves. Sherry, we are having amazingly warm weather. We broke records yesterday. In some areas it went to 50F. That is just crazy for us. The global arming issue is extremely serious. People should focus less on war and killing each other and work together to fix this planet. Before long there will not be one to fight over. Wishing everyone a very peaceful and comforting weekend. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted December 4, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted December 4, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Lora----Sorry to hear of your neighbor, Betty's, failing health. Sokind of you to visit her. No one visits my mom except my sisterand me( three other siblings live out of state....visit when they arehome in the area). My mom used to get a lot of visitors whenshe was in her own home, but after going to the nursing home,they don't come anymore. I do admit that she is quite confused aboutpeople, and can be very grouchy (even nasty) with visitors, staff, and thehospice people. The staff at the facility takes good care of itspatients, and it's a good nursing home. My mom just passesthe time of day sleeping, mostly......doesn't eat very well. She'salert at times. She was like your neighbor, Betty......activeup to a point, and then failing. At age 90, my mom still rakedleaves etc., and did her own laundry in the basement. I agree....it is sad,.....but we can only be kind to them while they're stillhere. Kate----I agree---global warming is a grave concern. We, too,have had very unseasonably warm temps...like you. I, so,understand about the Christmas music etc. in stores. It canbring a big lump to the throat, and cause one to want to justescape the area where there are so many reminders. Francesca-----I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time ofit at this Christmas season. With only one year past since yourdear son, Mike, left this world too soon, the heartache is sofresh and painful. I believe that I did not go to any stores, ordo any shopping at the first Christmas after Davey died, andthe same with Lisa's death. Just too painful. I think that it isok to do as little as you can and want to do for the holidays.While other people may not understand, the grieving parentmust take care of himself/herself first. There's nothing wrongwith having a quiet, low-key Christmas when the pain is toomuch to bear, and one simply cannot participate in all of thefestivities that come along at this time of year. Peace to you. WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom----Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 5, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Sherry.....thank God for you and Dee staying on this site for so...many...years....maybe something 'told' you and her...that you would be so needed....both of you seem to have a thumb on what we are feeling and being.... Lora....I guess we come to have another 'view' of the world and people and situations and circumstance...and I become a vagabond...a drifter of sorts...in the way I view what is 'up' and what is 'down'...I feel sometimes I don't belong....or rather I am no longer tied to the 'tried and true' of what I use to believe...and I am not or will ever be a 'bitter'....I have another layer of empathy on me....but....in that...I have a wall of absolute tolerance...for what I shall not be...and what I will allow myself to be... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 5, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted December 5, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted December 5, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Yes Lora...it is true....I would have taken a bullet....but that is the primordial instinct of a parent....to save the child...before I lost John David....I seemed to have this arrogant...ego....related feeling that I had such a 'Mama Super Control'.....I have been very humbled....I only had 'Mama Super Human Love'.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted December 5, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted December 5, 2015 Members Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Such a busy week at school and with the loss of Old Uncle Brian, funeral is Monday and so I need to write plans for a substitute. Then the Mom of a former student is also being remembered at a different church on Monday...Uncle lived a good long life, so we are glad to lift his memory, though Husband is feeling the grief of his loss, he hated seeing him suffer but will miss his wonderful presence. The mom that took her life had a very troubled adulthood and therefore her kids have had such a turbulent time. I wish the woman to have found peace now, but it is going to take a boat-load of hope and help for the kids she's left behind. Prayers and thank you for them.Last evening our little Grandboy had to go to the ER for croup, which is very scary of course, and he stayed for treatments and they released him when they felt he was on the right track. We stayed at the house with Little Eri, but inside I was just in a constant prayer. Today I went over there and he and I played and cuddled while my DIL took Little Eri out for some mom and daughter time. So a few good vibes extra to our little Guy to get all better now. Thanks.Back to grading, report cards are due next Friday! Yikes. Dianne, a year is a mark of time that slams most of us up against our fears and dread and we wonder all over again the many ways that it could have been different. It is okay to feel you are not doing well as most folks don't feel that they are doing well at that mark of time. Remember to take the advice that you would give any one of us in the same situation. Be very very kind to yourself. It is not selfish, your Boy would want this for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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