Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sorry, duplicated!

[lsj53]

My son's second birthday in Heaven was December 3rd and now the holidays.  It seems this second year harder for me.  I think I was too numb last year but this year all the pain seems so fresh.  I have my son's 15 and 17yo children coming Christmas night so I threw up a few Christmas type things but honestly would have preferred to skip it all.  I LOVE having the kids (they live a few hours from me so only see them every few weeks) but it is hard too as it just doesn't seem right their dad, my son, is not here and they remind me so much of him (a mixed blessing for me at this stage).  I send love and peace to all of you other Indigos and that you for being here for me and everyone else who has lost a piece of our hearts and shattered what was left.  I do have some days better than others and even smile and laugh some but then at some point in the day the tears still flow.   This is a horrible journey we are going through but I try to remember I will see him again some day in Heaven and hold on to that.

Here's a question for all of you.  Has anyone had their child come to them in some way, a dream, a vision, a feeling, etc. 

[lsj53]

Another question.  Is the chat room active and is there a set time to find others in there?

[ericasmom]

Linda, so sad to welcome you here but it is a great place to land when you are facing grief as you are. All of us here are ready to hold your hand and your stories close to our hearts, we get it. My Girl died 12.5 years ago, though at times, it was just last week. I promise you that it will get softer with time and that we never forget the truth and beauty of our Beloved Children.

I have had visits from Erica, both in dreams and sometimes in the room with me, can feel her through a sensation from scalp to feet, other times a visit as lovely as a bird landing nearby, or a song that she loved coming on the radio when I need her most, or pennies and coins I pick up with 1984 on them, her birth year. But the dream visits are powerful, they leave me feeling high all day, a wonderful warmth that percolates through the day, a way to know she is okay, better than okay. When I have time to talk more, (gotta get ready for work) I will tell you some stories, so will the others I am sure.

I don't get on chat as I used to, it is open to all on the whole website and so sometimes many voices, sometimes none, and I don't always see the same person twice so the message boards work for me. Generally speaking, we are more active than we have been the last week, but the holiday coming quiets many and the busy of the time also eliminates many from the conversations, but keep posting and you will see...

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping by to say many thanks to all for your kind words and thoughts of Jeff on his special day. At the beginning I did not ever think that I would be able to function again. Nor did I want too! The first two years were filled with many obstacles and twists and turns along the road. Ever so slowly the pain started to ease and the fog lifted. It takes a huge amount of patience and strength within yourself to work through these stages. Six years down this road I have found an acceptance in my son's death. I will never understand what happened or why.  I know that I can not turn back the hands of time and change the coarse that our lives took. I do know that I can take control of how I handle this loss. Holding fast to my faith and belief that I will see him again is what allows me to continue. It is only a temporary parting.

 

This is such a very difficult time of year for everyone as memories flood in upon us. It is easy to sink into depression and become overwhelmed with sadness. We miss their presence and the joy they brought into our lives. That kind of positive energy will never die out. There is so much beauty to life even amongst the heartache. Let their love surround you and give you the needed strength to continue in a positive way.

 

Love to all, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

Every where he went....was a pretty girl there.....

 

 

Missing my handsome son...

[TearsInHeaven]

x

[Elle-55]

I haven't posted in a long time, I have a hard time expressing how I feel. My son death date is 12/31/11 - 4 years. December and April are the worse months for me. December because of Christmas and his death date. The world still seems surreal to me; I feel numb inside. I have good days, but I hate December.

I'm alone in my grief, everyone in my family wants to forget Rhett, how do you forget a person who was apart of all are lives for 33 years! My mother and I are estranged because she says I've changed too much. My other son refuses to talk to me about anything deep, maybe I am just too dark.

[Mermaid Tears]

Anyone can use anything I have posted to share with others.....

 

I think there have been 'some' who read what we post to use for their writings....but...I guess that is something we have to deal with....

 

 

this is my 3rd year.....and I really don't think I was this 'down' the last two years during the holidays....but then again....the 'shock suit' fit tight and all I did was go and do by habit....nothing new....no new decorations...table settings...menus...holiday baking....everything the same....

 

but it is like I am molasses in winter....a heavy, heavy dark cloud of 'dread'.....I simply have to 'push' myself...no enthusiasm....

[InHeavensKeeping]

I thought I'd share this so beautiful. Thinking and sending best wishes to you all Georgina X

[Mermaid Tears]

am so sorry....it seems I get a door full of company....and have to stop....missing my 'alone' time....of course....

[Mermaid Tears]

wow....what a ride it has been this year....

 

I think every time I have come to post....the phone rings...there is someone at the front door....GRANDchildren bringing friends....finals are going on and they come to study together....and I have not one ounce of 'cheer'....we bought a tree...(we always get a 'real' tree)....got it put up.....then 3 days later got the lights on it.....just got the decorations on it Sunday....I am only putting out a few decorations around the house....but I am creating....that seems to be the only activity that brings a calm to this anxious heart ....my hands are busy...and I can let my 'gift' come to use...my imagination and creative ability are my gifts...my Grama told me long ago to use it. Now it seems to be a form of salvation for me....

 

 

 

here are some photos...that is Mike and Hunter Bear and me.....(I think I posted the story a long time ago of how my daughter and husband 'took in' two boys...one black boy..Mike and a spanish boy, named Ricky) and now they have graduated and Mike is going to Jr. College...both boys are still a part of our family.....

 

Daniel was 'down' with his back for 3 weeks....he finally was able to sit in a chair....he is so much better now....

 

our new 'little man'....loving to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas....

 

Hang on with both hands.....we will muddle through this someway.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Georgina....what a beautiful song...it was a favorite of my parents.

[ericasmom]

Susan, nice of folks to want to be with you, I don't blame them, they love you the way we all do, and probably think that maybe you need company...so many folks don't get it that we do need more alone time at the holidays because our hearts have extra bitter-sweet at holiday time. Tears always on the ready for sure. You should see me when the third graders sing a song for the holidays, I cry. Childrens' voices are earth's angels singing. I have always cried when kids sing, but since Eri died, it is definitely tears that hold my Girl in each drop.

 

love to you all-

[tobyfreefoot]

rhett's mom--i'm sorry you are having to endure december. i also feel distant from my kids as far as discussing feelings. my mom tries to be supportive but she and my co workers all say i'm not fun like i use to be.  i feel like i became instantly old when my son died. there is a line in a poem by millay  "Childhood is a place where nobody dies." it was like having to grow up overnight and my sparkle went away. i kept trying to get it back and have had to finally concede it isn't coming back, a thing i mourn also and don't want to because it somehow would make my son responsible. then again i am trying to give myself the ok not to be the person i was because the loss of forest certainly deserves the change. i'm just glad i got to live this long before my personality was so impacted. i did have a great time before. i know forest would hate what this has done to me but it seems to be out of my control. anyway i'm sorry. we don't care if you express yourself well. it is just nice to have the company of those trying to traipse down this path too. i do feel like this is a place that i can come and just feel like i'm cuddling up by the fire. strange how it feels so different to be with those that understand

[Jeff's Mom]

I would like to share  story with you that happened to me a couple of years ago. Now I know that some will say it is not possible. However, if it brings even a shred of comfort to anyone at this time then it is worth telling again. I have had my fair share of ups and downs in my life..as we all have. After Jeff died my mother-in-law was diagnosed with colon cancer. She was not given much time to live. She fought like a trooper and it was a long hard battle to witness. She passed away in the spring and I felt I could now finally focus on mourning my son. I was finally hit head on by the actual reality of his loss.  In November of that year a good friend that was a personal assistant to our priest asked me to have lunch with her. The day was a typical November day that was very gloomy and it was pouring cats and dogs. When she arrived she asked me where I would like to go for lunch and we decided to go to  small Tea House in a town that is approximately 40 minutes from our home. When we arrived  she dropped me at the door as it was still raining quite hard. I walked in to ask for a table. I was surprised to see that the place was packed. The waitress told me that they had a table in the small summer back room that was  quite comfortable despite the weather. We were seated in a corner at the back of the room. We settled in for a nice and leisurely lunch and visit. About half way through our lunch  two women walked into the room with a small boy. They were approximately in their thirties. Very average looking and in no way showy as to cause attention. One woman started to look at me. I started to become uncomfortable after a period of time. The way you do when you wonder if you have spinach in your teeth or something equally as silly. After they finished their meal one woman rose to take the little boy out of the room. This other woman that was looking at me rose and hesitantly started to walk towards our table. She then told us that she had a message for me. My friend instantly thought it was for her... as her elderly mom had passed away within the past year. She shook her head and then told me that it was definitely for me. She asked me if I had had a young man pass away recently. My knees started to shake and I felt faint. She then proceeded to tell me that he wanted me to know that he was "OK". My friend reached over and touched my hand and asked if I was alright. I then asked this woman if she did this for a living. She told me  "NO". That she just had this message to give me and then walked out of the room. Well I have to say it took me some time to compose myself. I was actually shaken up for a few weeks after that. But in a good way. What I did not know was that in January of that year my husband was going to be diagnosed with end stage three colon cancer and would require surgery and chemo. That message is what I held on to with all of my might when we went through those next several months. As a normal skeptic  even my husband could not explain the event that occurred that day in November except to say that it was a gift sent to give us support and hope. Do miracles occur? You bet they do! Life does not end after this one.  And we will see them again.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Gretchen, oh, how so very true.

 

"'Childhood is a place where nobody dies.' it was like having to grow up overnight and my sparkle went away.​"

 

Elle, this is the only place I have found that I can really share how it is. Just the other day I tried to share in my circle of friends, but it just did not work and I found myself very much regretting it. I am truly thankful for all those parents who come here to share their hearts and their tears. And most of all, their beloved child(ren).

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

The day that my son, Jesse passed I received a text on my phone that evening. It said, "Thanks...Jesse."

 

Now, the message was in the place where normally the contact name would be. Of course I checked where the text message was sent from...and it was not attached to any number. I have never had a text like this on any of my phones before or since.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Here are some videos from Gloria Vanderbilt on losing her son to suicide. This link is to my other thread.

 

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/topic/4873-journey-though-grief-and-loss-rite-of-passage/?p=124806

 

Dianne, this stood out to me in your post, " This year as I approached the first year marker I was a complete mess. To me it made me feel like I finally understood the word"forever" and I didn't like what I understood. "  So True.

 

Susan, thanks for posting the pics. I had to smile at the picture of your grandson in shorts on Santa's lap. That would not happen here. Glad to hear your husband is feeling better.

 

Georgina, thank you for sharing the song for everyone here.

 

Dee, our Christmas concert is coming up soon for our grandaughter. I remember one of the first ones I attended after Jesse transitioned, it was very bittersweet.

 

Kate, thank you for sharing that story again. It is a gift to us all here as well.

[silverkitties]

InHeavensKeeping, thank you for posting that beautiful song. I happened to be "lurking" in this section (am usually in "the loss of a parent" one) and listened to "Autumn Leaves"; for me, its unusual harmonies make it the most touching rendition of that song.  

 

It is particularly poignant to me as my mom died on Saturday, October 4 last year. The following day was a bright, sunny day--the kind you get after a massive downpour--with the most magnificent New England fall foliage that I had ever seen. I remember feeling so sad that I would not be able to partake in the beauty of the scenery with my mother who enjoyed the changing color of the leaves.  Indeed, that fall was the most resplendent one I had ever seen, where there was a rich range of yellows, oranges, reds, and plums, and browns...and yet one which served to remind me more than ever that autumn is a season associated with death and the approach of winter.

 

To all of you missing your sons and daughters....I know it must be especially hard for you around the holidays when Hanukkah and Xmas are associated with children and family activities...when visits to Santa in the malls and the decorations themselves inevitably invoke memories of your family. I know some of you will feel pangs, seeing happy families with their children nearby; at least, I did when I visited my dad in rehab just last Sunday and saw so many wives and mothers visiting their loved ones. Why oh why couldn't my mom be with me? (For me, this late November/December feels even worse because it reminds me of all those other Decembers when my mom returned home from abroad....) When I got home, all I could do was cry and cry...even though there was so much work to be done. 

 

I hope you will all have happy dreams of your much cherished sons and daughters....may this offer solace just as dreams of my mom now comfort me.      

[tobyfreefoot]

laurie-i don't recall reading about your text before. gave me chills.

 

kate-sorry i haven't kept up with you. i'm not here often but your story at the tea house is one i have held onto ever since it happened. thanks

[daveydow1]

Kate----- I recall your story about the messenger at the tea house,

that told you that everything was ok with your dear son. Very

inspiring, and helpful for you with all the things that you have to face.

Thanks for posting it again.

 

Rhett'smom------Yes,...the holidays are especially difficult after the

loss of a child.  It just seems all wrong.....the festivities, celebrations

with family etc., and trying to carry on without him.  Sending thoughts

and prayers.

 

Silverkitties-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear mother.  I guess that

we just get through the holidays somehow, but at the same time.....are

relieved when they are over for another year.  Peace to you.

 

Georgina----How are your doing?  Thanks for the song.  It's so nice.

 

Dee-----Cold weather coming down from Canada soon....says the

weatherman. I guess it will seem more like Christmas, though.  Have you

shopped for gifts for the grandies?   It will soon be here.  I was in

a store looking for a decoration for the small Christmas tree that we

place on David's grave, and felt so bad that this was the only thing

that I could buy for him.....a grave decoration.  Looked all over, and

finally found just the right size white star for the top of the tree.  Lisa's

tiny tree has little white angels on it.  I think about & pray for all here

who have to go through the same.....visiting graves at this time of year,

and wish strength for everyone. 

 

WISHING  FOR   PEACE  AND   COMFORT  FOR   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Cherry

[ericasmom]

Laurie and Kate, I do remember and take heart remembering the ways your Boys let you know...Eri too, let me know that she was reaching heaven and later on, that she was filled with peace, a warm and soothing sense that allowed me to feel what she was feeling. These things have helped me as I move forward.

 

Sherry yep, colder weather coming tonight and I am glad. My body is going nuts trying to figure out how to regulate its temperature when the outdoors keeps changing from warm to warmer and then cold. Cold is best for me this time of year, kills off some of the allergens and just makes things seem a bit more normal in the midwest. I can feel the heartache in your words when you wrote about shopping for a tree for Davey, our gifts to our Angels now are symbolic...though I am sure that they delight in our joys...those are gifts to be sure.

 

Georgina, I echo the others, thanks for the song. Tell us how you are when you can. I will be able to write and check in more often once school is out for a few weeks.

 

Silverkitties, how are you doing with the holidays coming? Do you have folks you spend time with at Holiday time?

[silverkitties]

Thank you DaveyDow and Erica's Mom--this entire holiday season, beginning with Thanksgiving, has been a bit of a mess. My dad got hospitalized right before Thanks. and is presently in rehab. He is supposed to be released next Wednesday, right before Xmas. 

 

I'm going a bit batshitt crazy as I'm trying to submit my textbook to the publisher plus prepare for a brand new course I'm teaching next term. 

 

All of this is complicated by my returning grief for my mom this past week even though I thought was beginning to recover. Had a wonderful dream some weeks ago that I had aced an exam (which I haven't done for ages since grad school) and interpreted it to mean that I had passed my worst stage of grief. Well, all that has been disrupted with my dad's illness and melancholy that my mom would not be returning home like she used to for the holidays. 

 

Anyway, will try to survive another year....thank God for this site where everyone seems to understand. 

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

Silverkittles...and Evelyn....see the above photo..? That photo was taken Christmas 1996.....my Mom died in September 1995....Christmas 1995 my Dad and sister flew to New Orleans..and then came to spend Christmas with my family in Slidell....we had this huge home and it was filled with our 4 boys..and Randa and George and Austin...Jason and his family could not come...they had identical twin boys and didn't want to make the long trip with them so small....then my Dad died in June of 1996....

   Christmas 1996 was so different....John David came home..he was in the Navy....Jesse and Aaron went skiing...was going to be home Christmas Eve...Jeremy was in Jr. High....Ran and George went to New York City..his grandmother died on the same day as my Dad....he went to be with his parents and grandfather...

 

I just wanted both of you to know that I so remember my mourning for my Mom and Dad...some days I felt like I wasn't even tied to the earth home....felt somewhat like an orphan...it took my a long, long time to find my balance and to see the footsteps they left behind to help guide me....I was so thin...too drawn....

   when a parent leaves this earth home....they want their child/children to not only survive but to thrive..the hard lesson is learning how....

 Evelyn...thank you for the kind words you posted about the card John David wrote me...the solace I have is that my parents had such rich and full lives...and they filled me to the brim with love and care....and so much humor and laughter...so many gifts that cannot be bought in a store. What sweethearts they remained....

 John David was 'their boy'....and I know they were there to greet him...

Be very kind and gentle to yourself....let yourself grieve....

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...thank you for sharing that amazing story again...many parents on the site now so need to hear it....it really gave me a shot of hope....we need all the hope we can get.

[silverkitties]

Mermaid's Tears--I like that pic of you (you are so beautiful!) and your son! There is so much love in that photo: someone obviously loved his mom. 

 

Every day I do try to tell myself that mom would not want me cry and miss her so much. But how can I not when she's loved me more than anyone else? Nonetheless, anytime I feel the blues coming on strong, I try to return to my work--and if all else fails, rant on the boards here~

 

Wishing you much love this Xmas season. When I light candles for my mom, I will think of all of your missing loved ones too. 

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Susan, you know I thought twice about posting... as I felt many would dismiss it as the ramblings of a grief stricken Mom. Looking over it as I have many times over the past couple of years I will say that there was absolutely no way that a rational explanation can be given. The decision to go to that restaurant was a spur of the moment thing. To have a total stranger stand up and walk over to me to deliver that message was amazing. I asked the waitress if they had ever seen her before. It is a small town and they told me that she was a complete stranger who had never been there before. The bottom line was that it was beyond a doubt what we needed at that moment. We had no idea what lay ahead given the health issues. I really do hope that anyone reading it will take comfort in the knowledge that our life does not end with this one. I see that message as a gift given to help support us despite the fact that we still had to face adverse challenges. It gave me hope and I hope that others will feel warmed by the message  at a particularly difficult time of the year. 

 

We had quite the winter storm yesterday. A Colorado Low hit us pretty darned good! We had approximately a foot of fresh powdery snow. The skiers will love it! I will say it is a real winter wonderland and looks like the North Pole. We are snug as a bug and enjoying the decorations, etc.

 

Sending love to all for a comforting few days.

 

Kate

 

[flocicero]

It's hard to get here these days....I go to bed so much earlier now...no more staying up past midnight otherwise I wouldn't be able to get up for work...Kate, thank you for sharing your story , it gives me so much hope ...to believe that I will be with Michael again some day...I know that many take comfort in that....

Rhett's mom, December is a terrible month for me as well, my sons birthday is this weekend Dec 20th, his 2nd in heaven & of course Christmas without our boys is just unbearable ......I'm sorry you're having difficulty communicating with family......We would like to believe that all family members are here for us but that's not always the case....

Linda, I've had just a few dreams of my boy but it's been a while....I think I don't dream of him because I want to so badly! My mom on the other hand has visits from Michael often....she tells me that in her dreams he's always surrounded by a bright white light & he never has time to talk with her because he tells her " I have to hurry up & go upstairs to find my mom".... I miss him so much .....I just can't bear it anymore......

Susan, I feel like molasses as well....no energy, no enthusiasm, I haven't purchased a single present, haven't put up a single ornament...I just want this all to go away now....

Peace to all on this chilly night....

Francesca

[TearsInHeaven]

 

x

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you for the kind words Silverkitties....yes...his arm was always around me....

 

this is for all the people that are experiencing their first holiday without that Mama....

[Mermaid Tears]

I found myself in a place so foreign....when I lost John David.....it is like being put in a foreign land...you don't even know what country you are in.....you can't speak the language...nor do you have a map or compass....there is no way of communicating...it is eerie....dark....

 

I had been raised to be 'upbeat'....positive.....adjust the attitude....that attitude was 99% of everything....if you have a good attitude..you will find a way....if you have a bad attitude....you will always hit a brick wall....

 

oh yes....the gratitude part was taught to me....'the reason I must do certain things in my community is because I was given so many gifts and blessings'.....

 

My Grama would give me maybe 20 minutes at the most to 'cry..piss...moan'.....have a great 'pout session'....

then...time was up....adjust the attitude and get on with it....

 

I found myself in that foreign land because none of the above gave me footing...or reasons...or answers...to 'What will I do without you'....

 

We can get so tangled up with what society...religion...help books....TELL US.....

 

and then we find....a circle of people that has experienced the death of a child/children....and they are the only ones that give us understanding....solace....and a sense we do not travel this grief journey alone.

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen....I so understand how we change....our loved ones and friends do not want us to change...that is when we must be brave enough to be true to ourselves...

 

Sherry....getting that tree for your boy....I wish I could have been with you....love is a verb.....a parent expresses love for the child in our 'doing and action'.....cooking and teaching.....it is rather a lonely place when we don't have anything to do for our child than buy something for their resting place...

[ericasmom]

Dear Friends,

yesterday time stood still for a dear dear family that I love. My student, Sophie who is in 5th grade now, was in my room 2 years ago, is the oldest of 5 kids. Her Mom is just wonderful, as is her Dad and all the girls that came after Sophie. This late fall, they had little Stephen. Stephen died at 6 weeks two days ago, SIDS. Sophie is the one who found her little brother already gone. She went to get him up from his nap. Please pray for this family and know that I will invite this family to lay her grief at our hearts, for there is not much going on in the loss of infant site. Her name: Erica, yes like my Daughter, and that was our second connection, she has a Daughter the age of my Grandgirl, her youngest daughter. So if Erica comes to us, please hug her with your words and knowledge of what it takes to reach out to a place such as ours.

I have been crying a lot, I went to see them after school yesrterday and I will go back this weekend to spend time. Mom and I have been very close and Sophie and Mom emailed me from Indonesia this summer while on holiday. So in this connection we now share this too, this unbelievably difficult loss. 

Thanks All.

[silverkitties]

Erica's Mom--my heart goes out to that family. What a nightmare. Something you read about but can never imagine that it would ever happen to someone you know.

 

Mermaid Tears--Some fascinating thoughts...when reading this thread and some others on this section of the forum, I was surprised to learn that people would ever express impatience that others are taking what they think is unimaginably long to mourn a son or daughter. I have always read that it is the worst pain ever.

 

I think one of our problems today is our notion that something must be completed in X amount of time, a preconception that is exacerbated by the media no less. I posted these two articles from the New York Times a few days ago on the loss of parent thread. We all remarked that grief which lasts more than 6 months is probably more the norm than the exception:

 

http://well.blogs.ny...t-relent/?_r=0 

 

http://www.nytimes.c...t-wont-die.html

 

Frankly, I don't know who comes up some of these "studies" but I can tell you that I find them ridiculous. Our sense of loss has very much to do with the nature of the bond between us and the deceased person. For instance, my mom was the one person with whom I shared the tightest bond for nearly my entire life--51 out of 52 years. I have no husband, no kids, a father whom I've never really gotten along with, and a few very close friends who live several states away from me. Some of the others on the parent forum share a similar predicament--while others are burdened by uneasy sibling or marital relationships. Is it surprising at all that the loss of someone whom we've come to rely on for support, comfort, and encouragement over the decades causes us deep pain? Who do we turn to when that one constant source of comfort is gone forever?

 

For me, the six-month mark felt more like the beginning rather than the end of the pain--with the weeks approaching the angelversary arguably the hardest. I recall trying to complete a project I had begun back in August/September 2014: and trust me, it was so difficult to go through my notes without remembering scenes from the hospital and really, everything I was doing back then. Especially when the weather was almost exactly the same too--hazy, overcast, and humid. I honestly could not concentrate on finishing my article at all (thank God for a lenient editor!) without writing about my feelings here as I was flooded by recollections.

 

I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone grieving a child--someone with whom they've developed the closest bonds over the years to hear that they "must stop and get on with their lives." How can they when their child was probably EVERYTHING for them? Someone whom they watched grow before their very eyes and someone who came to fulfill at least some of their promises? How tragic it is to have it cut short! I remember my mom doing so much for me...and when I do so I'm almost glad that it was not she who had to outlive me. (Even though many times I wish I were dead, not her.)   

 

Unfortunately, we live in a crazy world that operates on unrealistic ideals and deadlines. Children must learn to walk by 10 months. Must learn to talk by 1. Must graduate from college in 4 years (provided they are not working 2 jobs to pay off student debt!) Must marry by 25. Must get over grief for loved ones in 6 months. It's as though the powers that be want to pathologize everything--to force us to seek therapy or medication. 

 

The fact is "We" are not "everyone else." We all have our own individual relationships, challenges, and circumstances in our lives which make it easier--or harder--to grieve. Grief is not about logic: it's about sentiment and emotion. It is quality and quantity--and thus cannot be measured absolutely. For instance, I barely grieved for my paternal grandfather when he died because I didn't know him all that well. Ditto a cousin who died tragically young: I felt bad for him, of course, but had only met him once.  I felt grief for nearly a week for a "frenemy" whom I had known for some 4 years, her life (and her entire family's) cut short from a huge car accident that took place as her family was heading home from a college graduation that had taken place that very afternoon.  Yet, I grieved for my second cat of 16 1/2 years for nearly 6 months: he was a special cat that followed me everywhere, sat by me as I worked from home, slept by my side, and according to my mom, looked very disconsolate and almost refused to eat whenever I was gone for a conference or visiting friends for several days.  (He also seemed to know when I was going away for a few days because he would wake up early and accompany me all the way to the door.) Then there are complications where sometimes grief may sting all the more if one feels any guilt--rightly or wrongly--regarding medical decisions. For others, sometimes the sheer unexpectedness of the death can be overwhelming. Or perhaps one is going through a divorce or break-up.   

 

Anyway, these are just some random thoughts...I hope no one here has ever had to explain her (or his) grief. 

[TearsInHeaven]

x

[Mermaid Tears]

Silverkitties....thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart....

 

Dee.....beyond sad.....but I know that you are by their side ....I so remember you reaching out your hand and heart to me...giving me such insight and (permission) to 'cocoon'....letting me know that my instincts were telling me what was best for me. You will bring much solace, comfort and healing to that family.

[flocicero]

Dee, I'm so sorry for your friend & the loss of their baby boy....I will pray for them.....so heartbreaking

[ericasmom]

Thank you Indigoes, I know that your prayers and hope will help wrap these Folks in a blanket of love. A service will be held on Tuesday evening at a local church. God Bless Baby Stephen and his forever family.

 

Today was the last day of school as Winter Break begins. We are ready for a bit of quiet, a slowing down of routines, though there is so much yet to do.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/10/31/the-day-ill-finally-stop-grieving/

[Mermaid Tears]

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky....thanks for sharing....words that tell of 'us'...

[ericasmom]

Thank you Becky, I agree, the words that make sense to those whose hearts have had to rebuild.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, my heart ached for that poor family when I read your post. They are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, how so very true,

Either way I’m beginning to rest in the simple truth:

The day I’ll stop grieving—is the day I stop breathing.

Thanks for sharing the blog post.

 

Dee, my thoughts and prayers go out to the family that lost the baby. I am going to write some free flow here on this:

I remember when I lost my infant son at 6 weeks. It was like I was in a dream for so long...my arms, especially the lower part literally were painful for several months. So if the mom has these pains, she is not alone. I also packed up a crate of his belongings, and cut a lock of hair from his head which I still have. There are times, in fact, just today, where I will see a young man that would be the age of my son Taylor, and I imagine what he would have become if he grew up to adulthood. I found that there was a tendency to minimize child loss at this young age. In fact, I had another bereaved mom, (also a pastor's wife) tell me to shut up when I spoke of feelings of wanting to end my life. Suicidal ideation is often a common feeling. (I should say the pastor's wife has done a lot of growing since then). I still have my infant son's cuddling blanket, and a small bear knicknack that sits by Jesse's crystal angel. So when I light a candle, it is lit for the both of them. I also did not have many pictures of him, but fortunately the hospital took a set of them when he was first born. So when he passed, they gave me the entire collection.

 

How good that this mom has a compassionate heart such as yours to lean on at this time. May gentleness surround this family and caring. Laurie

[ericasmom]

Laurie, thank you for posting how you felt when you lost your Boy who was also 6 weeks old. Goodness knows your arms ached from wanting to hold your Son, I imagine Erica and Jordan will ache in similar ways. There will be a service on Tuesday night-oh holy night. I hope that they visit here to see ways to find arms to hold them from hearts that know.

[lsj53]

I want to thank all of you that replied to me and the kindness you show.  I started writing a reply while ago and for some reason it went into outer space I guess as could not find it to finish it.  I have a small family, my sister who is in poor health and three grandchildren. Today I have been wrapping their presents and between my heavy arms and heart it has been a struggle.  We will be together Christmas night and I want it to be a time of love and togetherness but the heaviness I feel makes it hard.  Seeing my son's two kids is bitter sweet..  I love them more than I can say but it seems strange not to have their daddy here with them and often brings tears to my eyes.  I have one more grandchild who is my ex-husband's son's son ; I almost raised that child and we are close as can be also.

I'm hoping that all of you can have some peace over the rest of the holidays and hold precious good memories in your hearts of your child who is gone. I know they are all celebrating in Heaven and one day we'll be back with them.

Love and prayers to the couple who just lost their six week old child.  No batter what age we loose them the pain is the same as they are part of us now missing.

Love to all, Linda

[flocicero]

Michael, Michael, my beautiful boy, god bless you as you celebrate your 2nd heavenly birthday today.....I love you son... Dad is making your favorite dinner..chicken Parmesan & pasta.....we are so lost without you...

Love you son..always & forever.....mama

[Mermaid Tears]