Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you Susan for sharing. No truer words were spoken. It would be easy to allow ourselves to become bitter. The holidays are especially difficult for me. Our home was decorated to the hilt. The tree was up with presents under. It was December 12th. Christmas time. A time of good cheer and all things magical. Bad things don't happen at this time of year, right? Wrong. We sat together and ate dinner. He then got up and walked to his room to watch TV. A few hours later we were performing CPR. There were no signs. No letter left. No hints that this was going to happen.  It was the first and only time and he got it right. I sat watching the paramedics perform whatever procedures they could to bring him back, but it was useless. I sat after watching everything in a state of shock. It was surely a bad dream. The RCMP and medical people left after a time and we sat and did not know what to do. He was gone. This was Christmas time. Why now? No, this did not happen .

 

So, I asked myself how I was going to handle this. This was something I would face every year for the rest of my life. I had another son. He needed me to be strong. I gathered everything I could muster and I made a decision. It would not take over my life. The first Xmas we spent alone. We walked the house in shock.  We barely ate a thing. It took almost two full years to find some sort of normalcy again. We decided to  focus on how much the family had loved this time of the year and so we got involved in doing things that were helpful to others. I could not listen to Christmas carols without breaking down into a heap of tears. The pain swept over me. But we kept going. Keeping busy as we could to get through this time. Slowly the raw grief started to lift. The ache was still there, but it was bearable. Now after all of this time we have found a place that we are comfortable with. We have started a few small traditions that  help give us some sense of comfort. And they do help. We choose to focus on all that was beautiful and good about our son and have blocked out that night. It is the only way we can cope with it. Remember the good things and know we will see him again.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....the holidays are hard enough without having an Angelanniversary marker on them....I think my 'shock suit' helped a lot....it kept me from looking ahead....and kept all those memories from Christmas past from tumbling upon my numbed and fogged up mind....

     So many thank you for sharing.....

you help us in so many ways to know we can not only survive but thrive in keeping the fabric of our lives to make it all work for our adult children and GRANDchildren....

[Jeff's Mom]

You know Susan...you are so right. I knew that if I focused for the rest of my days on the one son that was dead...then the other living family members would be left out in the cold. It was a dark road to travel heading in that direction. My living son has two adorable small children. Was I going to make the holidays about a memorial every year? No. Learning to take Jeff along my life's journey but not allowing his death to consume my life was what it was all about. In a way his death was like wiping the slate clean. I had to find a new way of living...and it took several years to find a place where I could feel comfortable. Learning to react to others reaction to his death was the hardest part. How could I have expected them to understand? I know I would not have been able before it happened. dealing with criticism and isolation due to the circumstances was another difficult area. A lot of it I put down to just plain ignorance and fear. Depression is a real medical illness. When  person suffers from another disease below the neck they are given compassion. When it is a mental health issue they are found to be weak and lacking in strength. BS I say!!! Maybe one day before I die I will finally be able to see that the general public will have a better understanding on this very real and sad issue in your youth. Being afraid to come forward and ask for help for fear of the stigma and often isolation attached.

 

My son suffered silently and held it in like pro. He managed to hold down a full time demanding job that required a ton of strength. Working with the down and out street people...people out of prison, those who lost their way. He showed respect for all.  It drew on every ounce of his stamina. Many said he was selfish for doing this at home and backed away from us. He did not do drugs and we were good and supportive parents. So the theory that we failed him or he was weak was a load of rubbish. Today, I celebrate a life well lived! A son that brought hope and encouragement to those that often felt thrown to the side by society. He just became weary and tired. I can only say to those that are new to this journey...surround yourselves by all support that is offered. As much as isolating yourself is needed at the beginning...do not make it permanent. Let others that reach out to you help when you are too weak to even try. Even if they get it wrong at least they are giving it their best shot. It sure beats being alone! At one point you will see the clouds start to lift. Your life will again find meaning. It will be different...but perhaps made stronger by the strength you have gathered within yourself by learning to live again. Never lose hope. Oh, and BTW..the cake turned out just great!

 

Love, Kate

[Steve s mom]

Tomorrow will be 4 years since Steve died.

It seems like only yesterday that he was here.

I felt your spirit still in this house

I sat in my rocker quiet as a mouse

Trying with all my might to hold you here

But when I opened my eyes you just disappeared.

( written by my friend Cindy )

[daveydow1]

Susan-----Thanks for the writing.  It said...."practice finding peace".  Yes,

I agree....that it takes a lot of practicing to find peace.  Especially in the

early times on this road, we find ourselves pulling on every bit of strength

we can muster to find some peace.  The things that keep us going on are

that our darlings would not want to see us wrecked out with sadness, and

that we will see them again.

 

Kate------Your words offer hope to everyone on this grief road.  The trauma

that you endured in your dear son's passing is beyond description.  Your

family's determination to go on, and find new traditions for the Christmas

holidays helps bring some semblance of normalcy to you.  We have done

a few things in the hope of finding some comfort.  Our Lisa died right

before Thanksgiving, and we more or less just isolated for the holidays

that year.  We still had 2 other young children, so we went through the

motions, but you know how hard that can be.  Peace to you, friend. 

 

 

WISHING EVERYONE CAN FIND SOME PEACE AND COMFORT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dave and Rebecca.....taken a  long time ago.  

[Steve s mom]

Jesse davids mom

Thank you for your kind words for Steve .....I'm sure he is still sparkling bright above

He always wanted to be the one to lead those out of the darkness into the light both people and animals he helped so much.he never really realized how bright his light shone and lit the way for others and for me.

Some people burn so bright that they can only shine on us for a little while then they are gone.someone once said that to me about Steve .though he is gone his love and light still goes on and I will make sure that is never forgotten for as long as I live.

A friend of his whom he helped recently told me the story of how Steve changed his life and how he now goes on changing many lives himself because of him.

The plans for the memorial service and celebration of his life and light are coming along well just 5 months away now.i know that he'll be there and will be so happy to see his friends and relatives whom were not allowed to attend his funeral ( I didn't let anyone except a few close family and 1 friend attend I just couldn't handle it at that time) but I know I did him a great disservice by doing that and I want to have a chance for people to remember and to pay tribute to him now.

[InHeavensKeeping]

I received the report back today from the IPPC. They upheld my appeal. This is just the start for us to get some justice for James. I was physically sick after I read it tonight.

The police didn't investigate his death as an unlawful killing as there guidance stares. They didn't check the drivers phone records and a phone was seen. The IO didn't question the driver as per the guidance the driver was 23 minuets into his rest break! They got his statement four months after the accident his eye sight was not tested.

I will keep fighting. when I went the Compassionate friends retreat I was given the name of a very good solicitor to help us I'm just completely staggered and afraid that the police would behave like this it's not how I thought they would be I just don't get it.

I'm so hurt James was a good person and deserved to be treated as such.

Sorry I just needed to speak to someone. I'm just so upset. It's his birthday next Thursday I really miss him xx

Xx

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry....I know that is a 'sacred treasure' now....thanks for sharing....

    my first Thanksgiving....I just carried forward with what I had been doing for years....it was habit....no new dance steps...no new recipes....just the tried and true.....and it got me through....

 

 

Steve's Mom....we will be here for you.....please....don't squirm with regrets over the Memorial service....if that was all the gas you had in the tank.....that is reason enough....and now when you feel a little stronger....have eyes that can see a little clearer...a brain without the fog....you are celebrating his life...and your anniversary....I think it is just the right time and place...and you will be able to join hands with loved ones and friends to have a circle of caring.

 

Georgina....am glad you are getting some answers.....so sad that the ones we depend on did not do their job.

 

Kate...you are a light on the grief journey for so many....

[ericasmom]

Steve Sweetie-

Sweep into your Momma's day and give her the sense of your being all around her, let her feel you there alongside her. Visit her in her sleep so that she wakes feeling that richness that lingers after a visit with our Children. You are missed so very much, but we know that you are also riding shotgun in the lives of your friends and Family.

 

Maryann, life changes in and around us.  You have marched to the sound of your Boy's love for this many days now  and You are still standing even though you never thought that you would be by now. It is in the power of your love that you find your best life in this world.

Thank you for sharing this time with us.

[shorty16]

Hello my indigo friends,

I am reading and saddened by the new members; however, you have found a place of understanding and hope.

It has been approx. 7.5 years sine our Briand died, and time is different now. Sometimes, it seems like yesterday and other times, it seems like longer.

My family really enjoyed our recent vacation. It took us along time to enjoy anything. But, I want to bring hope to those new to this nightmare. Light does come back to our lives, after a lot of tears and work.

This is my family now,

Coleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Steve's Mom...I am sending love and understanding across the miles today as you mark this special anniversary. May your sadness be replaced by the beautiful memories that you hold so close to your heart.

 

Sherry, thank you. You are quite literally the only person in almost six years that has said that to me. It has been a very challenging and painful road to walk. I love the picture of your two sweeties. Thanks for sharing for sharing.

 

Colleen, I am pleased that your recent vacation was a fun one. It is good for those that are new to this to see that others further along have come out the other side in one piece. Are you able to post a photo of the beautiful quilt that you had made in memory of Brian again? Thanks.

 

To everyone feeling low and saddened by the upcoming holidays...hold on. You are so much stronger than you could ever imagine. You are not alone as long as you have those that are holding your hand and understand.

 

I can not begin to imagine the anguish that the families are suffering this day who lost loved ones in Paris. My heart goes out to them. Will there ever be an end to this madness?

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful day. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Steves Mom....sending you a hug....also....all on this site understand this kind of day a Mom has to endure...and plow through with an aching..but brave heart....gather the sweet memories....and hold them close.

 

 

 

Laurie....loved the song you posted on the other site....

we all want to 'trust' that our child was and is 'alive'....

 

 

Colleen....thank you for sharing your grief journey with all of us.....and letting us know that light and laughter have returned to you and your family.....

[TearsInHeaven]

Steve-

 

Hold your family close today as they need to feel your presence.

 

Be the gentle breeze that crosses your mom's cheek and whisper your name in her ear as she feels your loving embrace.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Steve's mum We are all holding you in our hearts today as God is holding Steve in his arms.

God Bless xx

[rlolheiser]

Steve's mom.. thinking of you, and hoping that you feel your angel next to you...  watching over you.  Its a difficult time .. may you feel some peace

[Steve s mom]

Thank you all for remembering Steve .

At 927 pm he will have been gone for 4 years

It's seems like just yesterday he was here.

[rlolheiser]

Sherry,  .  I know you have been there for me and many more.. I want you to know that I am thinking of you and baby Lisa..  a blessed Angel.. may you feel at peace and know you are loved

[ericasmom]

LISA you are the tiny white ANGEL of your Momma's heart, flutter into the day letting her feel your forever love as she let's you feel each day.

[ericasmom]

http://www.today.com/popculture/saturday-night-live-airs-tribute-paris-after-attack-we-stand-t56036

 

 

Cecily Strong is/was one of my Daughter's best friends, they grew up together, here she is in all her beauty.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry....what this kind of grief has taught me is that it doesn't matter if your child died in the womb....

lived 2 hours...

lived 2 days...

lived 2 years...

lived 16 years...

lived 42 years...

lived 50 years...

    they are still your child...and as parents....we will always have that hole in our heart in the shape of the child that left this earth home....

I can only imagine the dark place you and your husband shared together....gathering up the other children...and with a grim heart moving slowly through the holidays to give your children a Merry Christmas....and grieving for your tiny Lisa...

 

I am letting you know we are all thinking of you....I wonder if the people around you tried to tell you to 'move on' like they did Laurie when she lost little Taylor....there has to be special angels to help parents that lose a child and then have young children that need so much time and attention.....giving the parent hardly anytime to grieve. Peace to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....thank you for sharing that clip of Cecily and SNL....very touching....and....she 'reminds' me of your girl.....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Georgina, may you find some of the answers that you are searching for. Sending gentle thoughts today as I know how rough this can be.

 

Susan, thank you for posting the writing from Compassionate Friends. They are always so helpful. I appreciate your thoughts on the song, it being a different perspective.

 

Colleen, thank you for sharing your pictures. Your son and daughter are both so very handsome.

 

Leah, thank you too for continuing to share your heart to us.

 

Dee, How well Cecily presented those condolences to the people of France and to those who lost loved ones that tragic day. Thanks for sharing the video clip and for your continued support and help to us all.

 

Dianne, good to see your post and for the remembrance for Mary Ann's Steve.

 

Kate, thanks for your continued sharing. It has been a great source of comfort for me and others on this site.

 

Mary Ann, thinking of you today as another marker date has just passed. Sending you peace.

 

Sherry, the picture you shared is so sweet. Love the sun bonnet on your daughter, Rebecca. Even this many years later, we still feel the lose of those little ones.

May Lisa's sweet light shine down on you as she is remembered.

 

Wondering how some of our other Indigoes are doing? Francesca, Shannon, Gretchen, Becky, Carol, and so many who have posted their broken hearts here and held another's hand...

[daveydow1]

Hello to all my INDIGO friends.

 

Dee....Laurie.....Leah-------thank you for the sentiments for Lisa's AngelDay.

We visited her grave today and said prayers.

 

STEVE-----STEVE-----STEVE-----SAYING YOUR NAME

AND REMEMBERING YOU.....ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

 

Maryann----I'm sorry I missed your dear son, Steve's , angel day....I was not on BI yesterday.

  Sending thoughts & prayers to you, friend.

 

Colleen-----so glad you had a nice vacation recently.

 

Susan-----thanks for your kind words. Yes...there were people who 'advised' us to

"move on"...."get on with your life...you have other kids"....etc.  As I remember it,

we were so devastated and blown away that I think their advice just fell on deaf

ears.  The one thing that did help us was that soon,.....we were expecting our

Davey..another baby.  Of course, no one would ever take the place of the baby

we lost, but caring for, and delighting in the other kids and the new baby (Davey)

within a year's time helped us.  It now seems like another lifetime somehow.  

 

Georgina------So unfair that the police who were responsible for investigating the

accident that took your sweet James' life, were so inept and did such sloppy work.

You are so right to pursue the matter, and to appeal and hopefully make them do

things the right way. Justice for James is your  family's goal......and I pray that you are

successful in getting it. Peace to you.

 

Kate-----thanks for your kind words.  Sending thoughts your way. Also hoping that

your husband is doing ok.

 

Susan-----You are so right.....no matter what their age.....our darlings who went

out of this world too soon will always leave an empty space in our hearts.  It 

is a space devoted solely to them.  It's a hole.....for sure....but it is also in the

heart, and will always be in the heart. It is 45 yrs. today since my little child

was taken to heaven, and the hole is there still.

 

 

BABY  LISA,   .....BLESS   YOUR   LITTLE   WHITE   SOUL.

 

WISHING    PEACE    AND    SERENITY   TO   ALL   IN   THE   BI   FAMILY.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[InHeavensKeeping]

We went to the World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims today .......

(This day focuses on both the overall scale and the individual devastation caused by road deaths and injuries and the impact upon families and communities around the world. Almost 4,000 people are killed and many hundreds of thousands injured on roads throughout the world every day. Many more have to cope with bereavement or the effects of injury and thus become part of the huge group of people affected by road carnage.)

it was such a beautiful poignant service where we gathered together with other parents, grandparents, sisters and brothers in our grief. It was a time where we could pray and reflect in a beautiful setting with truly caring people.

Thank you Sherry, Susan and Laurie I feel so scared when I think of the mistakes the police made because They were the last people with my Son as he lay dying and it just feels they didn't care. I don't understand this but it's a start for us to get some answers.

Sherry I prayed for your sweet angle Lisa today I'm glad you were able to visit at her resting place today.

God Bless Xx

[Jeff's Mom]

Good grief, Georgina...I had no idea that so many people were killed each day in traffic accidents. How horrible.

 

Sherry, I am pleased that you had a day to reflect and remember how special those two wonderful children of yours were.

 

Thanks to everyone for asking after Ross. He is in remission at this time. As he is unable to take any more chemo they are giving him regular checkups and routine colonoscopies. Ugh! His next visit is December 4th. We are going full tilt these days. While he still sleeps a lot he pushes himself to keep as busy as he can. I am so very proud of him. He never complains. Ever. We had a great weekend. The weather was amazingly beautiful. We were able to get several things accomplished and kept on the go the entire time. While he is tired tonight it is a good kind of tired.  I managed to get the things together for the kids for Christmas. As per usual they will not be coming home again. I hope to send them off tomorrow before the Christmas rush.

 

Have a warm and peaceful evening everyone. Love to All. Kate

[TearsInHeaven]

For Baby Lisa

[flocicero]

Steve's mom, I was thinking of you yesterday but could not post.....I pray you were able to feel your angels presence...his loving arms around you.....you said it's been 4 years & feels like yesterday .....I wonder if it will always feel like yesterday.....

Peace & love

[flocicero]

Sherry, thinking of you and your precious baby Lisa.....god bless & hold you close.....

Feeling so much sadness.....so many angel anniversaries right before the holidays....it's overwhelming....

[Mermaid Tears]

[InHeavensKeeping]

Oh Diane I just love the picture so much. It made me cry because I hope with all my heart that that's how my baby, Peter, is in heaven with his big brother now. Thank you.

Kate I was also shocked at that statistic. They chose five people to put on the leaflet and the headline was

"Five people die on our roads every day " so sad. In London there have been 169 just this year that's just on the streets of London either pedestrians or cycling. So sad and these are mostly preventable deaths.

James's birthday is creeping up. How do we do this ?

Xx

[flocicero]

I'm feeling so incredibly sad....I've been watching the Hallmark station....so many lovely holiday shows.....missing my Michael so badly....I can't believe this will be the 2nd Christmas without him, his 2nd birthday without him here .....I'm so broken right now...I can't even breath....I only have a few days left in Indiana & yet I feel so confused...as if I'm going to leave a part of him behind here but he's home in Wisconsin .....I'm simply overwhelmed with grief right now.......

[ericasmom]

Francesca, I do believe that there are several factors leaving you feeling so fragile:

1. YOu are coming up on the second of everything, I fell deeply off the cliff at that point, it took me by surprise as I felt as though I'd come undone in a bigger way. I was wrong, we come undone in order to acknowledge our ache and pain and to reacess our place in the new world.

2. You are moving and moving always brings up so much angst and worry. You lived some of your time in Indiana with your Boy and so it is natural to wonder if what you are doing is good and just. Go with the original thought, moving was a good idea, going back home where more of your roots are planted.

3. Holidays are coming and never are we more at a loss as when the damn commercials and songs and movies come on and we see happy intact families and wish so badly for ours.

 

Francesca, your Boy is rooting for you to get done what you must and make this move. It is a lot of change in a small spat of time, but you will likely feel the relief of having done it once you are home again. We are holding your hands and if we could, we would be moving your boxes...good luck Sweetie.

[rlolheiser]

Francesca..  Dee is so right..  all I can add is that I am thinking of you, may you feel your angel wrap his love around you and give you strength.. your not alone..

[TearsInHeaven]

Francesca, you can make yourself crazy second guessing yourself.  You know how much returning to your home meant to you.  Go with what your hear tells you.  You have reconnected with your husband, you have an intense need to be close to where your son is and that should tell you where you want to be.  I think of you, Georgina, Eileen and myself as being in the same group as we were so close in time to our loss.  The others who come and share are the best mentors we could have.  They have traveled this road, felt the anguish, learned from the experience of this tragedy and share so freely with us. Most days I feel like I am floundering, especially as I approach that dreaded first date  but the people here have become such a source of refuge.  Watching you and Georgina reach that first date and come out on the other side was a real feat of accomplishment.  You made decisions about your job, your life and I stand in awe.  Listening to Susan's words and descriptions of the "shock suit", listening to the words from Dee, from Laurie, from Sherry, from Kate, from Shannon, and the others that post here,  give me hope.  I don't always recognize the hope especially on the dark days but I know it is out there.  We will never be DONE with our grief and yearning for what was taken from us but we somehow will learn to function again. I think we are still one step forward and two steps back but at least that says we are trying, hard as it is.  You have a lot of us here holding hands and circling you with strength and support.

 

Dee, falling off a cliff is a very precise description of where I feel now.   I still cannot help but count the days.  One of Michael's dearest friends came over a couple of days ago.  He cried for Michael's loss but he also shared so many stories of them growing up together.  It was actually for the first time, while sad, I felt the smallest bit of peace for a few moments. 

 

Georgina, I am glad that the picture of the baby in the heavenly embrace touched you. I thought it was beautiful. I am sure that James had had a chance to hold his little brother.

[Mermaid Tears]

My daughter, Heidi and I recently delivered a keynote address called "Handling the Holidays" at a hospice event in Greensborough, South Carolina. Looking back on the early years following my son's death I admit that I did not handle the holidays; they handled me. They came and went whether I liked it or not - time marches on. In those early years holidays were difficult and emotionally as well as physically challenging. The lights were too bright and the music too loud the stores too busy. It seemed that every place I looked there were reminders of my life gone by. I remember having to make a host of painful decisions the first year following his death: what to do for Thanksgiving, how to deal with Christmas, which was his favorite holiday. It helped that there were special gifts that came from unexpected places.

One gift I remember was the first Thanksgiving when friends invited my husband and me and our fourteen-year-old daughter, Heather, to join them for dinner. Looking back we couldn't have been much fun. The day turned around for us when our daughter, Rebecca, surprised us by flying in from college in Utah. She bought a $99 round-trip ticket, but could only stay for 24 hours. It was worth it! Another surprise was that every evening the week before Christmas unknown elves left gifts on our doorstep. But the most amazing gift of all came from a total stranger at an unexpected place and time.

It was December 15, 1983. Scott had been dead for eight months and I was not in a good place. I continued to teach at the University of Rochester School of Nursing and to fulfill my duties as the psychiatric nursing consultant to the surgical service at Strong Memorial Hospital. The holidays were a rough time. Given advice that it was best to try to maintain our past routines and to not make any big decisions or go anywhere the first year, my husband and I decided to have our traditional Christmas with our three daughters. I tied hard to take on the Holiday spirit, but I was having a tough time. Teaching and consulting with patents and staff on the surgical service and burn unit was taxing.

It was Thursday afternoon and I was ready to go home when my pager went off. I trudged from my office back to the hospital where the head nurse asked me if I would visit a 70-year-old woman named Ruth who had fallen and broken her leg. When I entered the hospital room I found the woman looking very uncomfortable with her leg pinned and in traction. I sat down next to her bed and chatted with her for a few minutes offering to show her some breathing and meditation techniques which I was using daily myself. She declined and said she felt fine and was looking forward to going home. Why? I wondered had the nurse called me in? Why was I there? If Ruth is fine what is wrong with me? Fine did not work for me. With these thoughts in my mind suddenly I felt tears welling in my eyes. Ruth gave me a somewhat puzzled but compassionate look and asked, "What is wrong?" I knew telling her the truth wasn't the professional thing to do but I just couldn't hold back. Through my tears of pain I sobbed, "my son was burned to death in an automobile crash eight months ago and I don' think I am going to survive." She looked me in the eye with conviction and said, "My dear, years ago I had seven children killed in a house fire. I survived and so will you." That woman's faith, courage and belief carried me through that holiday and many others to come. I never saw Ruth again, but I will be forever grateful or her message of hope.

Please pass Ruth's gift of hope on to those you know who are suffering loss this holiday season. No matter the loss: friend, family member, pregnancy, pet, divorce or job. Remember others have been there and made it and so will you. If you have lost hope this holiday season please lean on ours until you find your own and visit us at www.opentohope.com.

God Bless, Dr. Gloria

 

 

 

I read this this morning....and wanted to share this with my friends on this site....

[daveydow1]

Dianne----Thank you so much for the picture of the babe with angel/dove

for Lisa.  You said that you don't always recognize the hope that others

give,....and that is so understandable. I, too, felt that way in the early times

after the death of Lisa, and again after Davey's death.  I think that the heart

and soul is so devastated at the time, that we just feel from the loss, and sometimes

words can't immediately penetrate this emotional state.  Little by little,

we can find some tiny glimpse of hope when we feel that we are not alone,

and especially when coming to BI to express our sorrow to those who

understand.

 

Susan----thanks for posting the writing.....so inspirational and touching.

Right now, I am praying for my aunt....age 84....who has suffered a stroke.

She is the brave mother of 13 children, and her husband died at age 50,

and she has seen three of her children...2 babies, and one adult son leave

this world too soon. Her babies died years ago....adult son died in a tragic

accident just 8 months before my David.  She was a great help to me when

I lost Lisa and Davey.  The lady in the hospital that lost 7 children in a fire

was, no doubt, an inspiration to many people who had also lost children.

 

Francesca-----Yes,...the holidays can be so difficult.  Sometimes we just

go through the motions, and hope to come out on the other side....wishing

only to have them pass for another year. As has been said.....there's no

way that we can observe the days, without the pain of the realization of

our darlings not being with us to enjoy the family times.  After David died,

I didn't watch any "family" t.v. shows for a couple years....too sad.  Hallmark

and other channels love to send those 'warm & fuzzy' shows out to the

viewers, and that's ok.....I just don't get into them.  I think it's ok to skip

them if they add to one's sadness.  Thank you for your kind words for

Lisa's Angel Day.

 

Kate----So glad that you and Ross enjoyed a nice weekend. Sorry that

your family will not be able to be with you for the holidays.  I'm the

same.....some of my family are not able to be here either, but we will

be in touch. 

 

Georgina-----The World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims 

is a good way to remember all those who died in such mishaps.  I'm

hoping that the re-opened investigation into the facts of your dear 

James' death will bring a lot of light to the case, and justice for your

son.  Thanks for your prayers for Lisa. I often think about Davey and

Lisa in heaven, and it's strange,( something of a time warp),

since Lisa was a 6 month old baby when she died, and David age 31

when he passed, so it seems like she would be the little

baby sister.......yet she was a year older than he (if she had lived).  She

was born, and died, in 1970;  and he was born in 1971.  Peace to you.

 

WISHING    PEACE    AND   COMFORT    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Francesca, I am sorry that I do not have time to respond properly this evening.  I agree with the others that it takes patience and time to adjust to being able to find a place where you feel  comfortable on these special dates. Like Sherry and everyone else... I also was not able to listen to music and watch Christmas specials. Go at your own pace. This is your call. It is you grieving for your child... and please do not let others hasten you into doing things that make you uncomfortable at this time.

 

Sherry, I am sorry to hear about your aunt. No matter the age of a person... if they hold a close place in your heart you are bound to feel sadness at their declining health. I will keep her in my prayers. That is OK about our son not being home for the holidays with his family. This will be the second year. We have come to accept that which we can't control. I plan to make it a special day regardless for my hubby.

 

Thanks to everyone for sharing pictures and poetry.

 

Kate

[flocicero]

I know going home is the right thing to do...I am so looking forward to being with family....I will be able to visit my dad so much more often; he's in memory care & declining quickly....I want to be there during his last days & I know I will be very sad when he passes but I will also be very happy that Michael will have his grandpa with him.....thoughts of death are so different now.....

Thank you Dee for your words of wisdom......I was doing so well for a while there, felt as if I was getting back to some sort of normal...my workouts have dwindled to nothing again but I'm so busy trying to get my work wrapped up & getting my house ready for sale....been up painting till the wee hours of morning....this 2nd year I've entered is feeling so incredibly sad & overwhelming....I guess when sept rolls around I will be in the dumps until after the holidays .....feels like the rest of my life will be like this....

Jaboas grandma thank you for your kind words....I pray every night that I will feel his arms around me......

Susan thanks for posting that story...it's so heartbreaking the thought of losing 7 children in a fire...simply incomprehensible ....when one reads that, you sit back and think....if she really survived that kind of loss, surely I can make it through?....

Sherry, I guess I've been trying to almost force myself to watch Christmas shows....I've always loved them so much.... One thing I most definitely cannot do is go to the Pabst theater in Milwaukee to see the production of A Christmas Carol.....that was a tradition for us every year from the time the boys were so little.....I use to cry at the beginning & end of the show when my sons were with me....I couldn't even imagine my reaction if I went now without my Michael ....my husband had suggested we go this year ( I think he was trying to make me feel better)...I almost bolted out of the car when he mentioned it! I don't know if I will ever see it again...

Diane we will be here for you and we will all hold your hand as you remember your precious Michael on his first angel anniversary...you too will come out on the other side....

Thank you all for being here, calls from friends & even family are less frequent now....but the need to talk & remember is stronger than ever....

Peace & love to all....

Francesca

[InHeavensKeeping]

Susan thank you for sharing the story from Dr Gloria. I can't imagine this pain and grief times seven. I have started to listen to one of the shows on the ' Open to Hope ' site

Sherry I too find comfort in the hope that James and Peter are together. Peter would of been 31 this year James would of been 32 next week. I still can't comprehend he's gone and this is the second birthday without him. I'm feeling so sad it's like I'm swimming in mud and I struggle to the surface only to be sucked back down again.

I've been upset at work a lot this week too, there are so many triggers, just everywhere and I just haven't been able to shut them out like I can sometimes do. James was not only a student at the school but also a member of staff and I started to work there when he was in year 9 so every moment is extremely hard.

Diane, Francesca You and I are so close in our times of loss I often think of our Angels together watching out for us all. I know you must be feeling so anxious as the first anniversary approaches but know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers at this difficult time.

Francesca I hope your move goes well. You will know if your doing the right thing because you will have peace in your heart once you home. Have a safe journey.

God Bless Xx

[Sholl1955]

Good evening friends.  I have been reading and my thoughts and prayers go out to those that are approaching the first years facing the holidays without your precious child.   It is so hard.   One of my employee's nephew committed suicide a month ago.   I knew I needed to reach out to his mom.   It is a given that we need to support and walk along side others who are thrust into this horrible club that we all belong to.   This has happened way too often since Sarah died.  It will be 4 years in March and there are three employees I work with who have lost a child.    I decided tonight to make her a "care package" with some books that were helpful to me, but geared for her loss. along with a couple of other things that may be helpful for her.  As I wandered about the store and then as I wrote her a note, the suffocating pain of those early days came back as if it happened yesterday.   I remember coming here and being told and encouraged that at some point the pain would be lighter but it would be a long time.   I remember saying that I did not believe it would ever be better.  Those of us who have been there know that it does get easier to bear and we go on because we have to, we have no other choice.   I wish I could take the pain for this mother but I can't so I will just need to be here if she ever needs to talk to someone who really "gets it',  My very good friend (the only one that has stayed by my side and supported me over the past 4 years and is like a sister to me) is going through watching her own daughter suffering through treatment for a rare form of cancer.   This young woman is like one of my own as Sarah was for my friend.    I know that she is afraid that she will be dealing with the loss of her daughter and she has seen the raw grief and pain as she stood by my side.  Her daughter is a young mother of 3 small children.   I pray for the strength to support her as she has been there for me.       We are all changed people and I am grateful for this group where one can come and ramble on, knowing you all understand.   So,  rambling is over for now.    Have a restful night.

Sandy

[Jeff's Mom]

Sandy, thanks for your heartfelt post. Reaching out to this new Mom will be very much appreciated. Just knowing that she is not alone can mean more than words can say. The method by which a child dies not diminish the reality for the parents. The end results are still the same. The pain still unbearable. Thanks for not judging her. I have felt the heartless sting of those that I felt should have known better. 

 

I had a good day yesterday spent in the city with a close friend. We went Xmas shopping and then for lunch. I was actually able to hold it together when I heard the music and saw the decorations. Time truly is my friend. I could not have done this in the past. We woke up this morning to the first blast of old man winter. A strong northerly wind bringing snow. Today is a real winter wonderland. Winter is now here to stay. I am holding everyone close as they approach their first holiday season. You are not alone.

 

Kate 

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

Sandy....you are at the right place and right time....to be a conduit of true care and compassion to those parents...

 

I 'see' with new eyes now....I seem to have another layer of 'knowing'....

 

 

The holidays are rushing upon us.....please know....that many may want to 'help' you...but....they just don't know how....

so....'help' yourself....I had to learn how to say...'No...Thank you'.....and 'Thank you, but I think not now'....just be polite...you don't have to give an explanation...or a reason....an excuse......

[InHeavensKeeping]

I thought I would share this. Feeling so sad xx

[ericasmom]

Sandy, who better than you to help another find their way through the heartache and confusion of a loss such as ours. And that you also are there, right there with a friend whose Daughter has cancer...how does one find the strength to face this kind of loss  so similar to your own, and yet you do. You do because you know that who better? You said that you felt you were back at the beginning...makes sense to me, for one dealing with the loss of one co-workers child brings you back to those earliest feelings of absolute shock and terror. And of course your aiding your friend whose Girl is so ill with cancer, brings you right back to those days in the hospital. I think that we sometimes are sent back to that time of early loss so that we are able to connect with those who need us to go through it with them, they need us to understand fully what they are about to also go through.

You are apt to get tired with this and so I will remind you as a friend, to take very special care of yourself as you grieve alongside two others. You are a blessing to them and to us here.

How are your Grandies? Husband?

[Mermaid Tears]

this is so amazing....I have to tell my story of John David and tulips...later...am so...so tired tonight...but a story that should be told on this site

[Mermaid Tears]

Happy Heavenly Birthday to my Mommie....our Mimi.....she was nicknamed 'Baby Doll' when she was little....and that nickname stayed with her til she died....she was that pretty....she was a Picasso with a sewing machine...and thanks to her...I was always one of the best dressed...when she was a teenager...people would clear the floor to watch her and George Hevener jitterbug...thank you for all the love, laughter and memories...

 

[ericasmom]

What a lovely smile your Momma has, Happy Birthday Baby-Doll.  Thanks for having such a sweet and caring Daughter.

 

 

[flocicero]

Susan, what an incredibly beautiful picture of your mom! Happy belated birthday to your sweet mom!

Well, today was my last day at my job....I feel so sad & yet so happy to be going home...to heal....to find some peace & to be with treasured family.......

.tonight I started reading "Imagine Heaven". ....only a few pages in & Im sobbing like a baby....I'm thinking that Michael must be so very happy in heaven where he feels nothing but constant love.......even though I know he loves me with all his heart....he just can't bring himself to leave.....he must...wants....to stay in Gods love & light......he knows that I will join him as soon as I am called.....I look forward to that day....

So tired now....have been working so hard to get all of those last minute reports in today & I've turned into one of those home improvement gals you see on HDTV.....in the last week I've painted my laundry room and made it look like a neat craft room, A hall that had crazy 70's wallpaper and I converted a smelly old crawl space into a fantastic "storm shelter" equipped with cool lanterns & of course a lovely vase of flowers....well, you need something nice to look at when you're stuck in a storm shelter....

Good night, peace & love to all

Francesca

[ericasmom]

A white blanket has fallen over all that was sharp and straight edged, now everything is rounded and white as an angels wings. It is snowing hard maybe all day long and I am so serene by it all. Plus, I am to be at my Grand kids home in a few minutes to play! Wonderland.