Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Georgina, sounds nice. Let us know when you give it a try.

[Mermaid Tears]

[flocicero]

Georgina...great job on the South run!! I use to run all the time until I failed to listen to my body...I needed to take a day off since I had also started kickboxing .....I didn't rest & ended up with a really bad knee injury! I tend to be a type A personality...this past year has forced me to take it slower......do you plan to continue running or is this something that you've been doing all along? James does have a most beautiful smile ; Michael had that gorgeous smile too & I'm also hard pressed to find a picture of him where he's not smiling.

As I was packing tonight, I came across a box of pictures.....that stopped the packing...just cried for what seemed like hours....

Hugs

[flocicero]

Laurie, I love shopping at Sendiks when I'm in Wisconsin ! I've heard that they are building a new one in Muskego & that's where I will be moving back to. Do you live near the Waukesha/New Berlin area? It will be wonderful to go to all my familiar stores...

Hope you found some peace in visiting you baby's place...

Peace & love to all

[rlolheiser]

9 years ago today I went for a drive with my JaBoa for the last time, I dropped her off, hugged and kissed her never knowing that would be my last.  How I wish I had never let her leave.. but wishes get us nowhere.

 

She is gone and so is a piece of my heart..  I have tried to glue it back with new grandchildren and great grandchildren.. I have watched my son grow and helped her sister get through some terrible times.  I took care of JaBoa's great grandma until she got to go be with her, and I feel so empty..   I am so fortunate for the things I have .. I am just greedy and want the thing I can't have..   JABOA... I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU....  One day I hope to see you again, but being a good person is hard for me...  I am trying though..  and always will...  always love you... you are with the angels... a beautiful family of angels that I have come to know..  my love flows to you all...  you are missed...  one day that piece of heart will fit back together..  when I see you again

 

This picture was sent to me (hope it posts) I had never seen it...  little gifts from heaven and a wonderful niece

 

love and peace to all

[Mermaid Tears]

I would like to post a warning to our 'new parents' that have found themselves on this dark grief journey....for the loss of their child/children....

 

There are many people that will prey upon your weakness....and believe me....grief is exhausting and can weaken the strongest....that is why they/I will tell parents not to expect too much of yourself at this time...try not to make any big decisions....life changing decisions....move to another location...for the first year or two. I had such brain fog...I then understood those warnings.

 

There are many cunning parasites out there that will also prey upon your vulnerability....even some funeral directors...funeral homes are guilty of this....convincing the bereaved family to purchase a coffin that is way out of the money budget...or have a Memorial service that is so costly and put themselves in great debt for years. They prey upon their emotions...and at a time of great loss...you are usually emotionally bankrupt anyway.

 

Many will convince a grieving parent that they have only the grieving parents best interest at heart....

If you want to go to a grief counselor or therapist....try to get some referrals...and then check their credentials very carefully.

    Some have their sign out...but no professional training at all.....they are there to suck you in and take your money. Ask if they have lost a child.....for parents that has lost a child....that would be the one credential I would insist they have. There are many professional therapist and counselors that are very, very good.....but the cunning criminals are the ones that can give them a 'bad name'.

 

I would never go to a site for the 'Loss of a Husband'....I have never lost a husband....I have never walked in their shoes...and I do not belong there. I have had dear friends that live close by that have lost their husbands...and I do reach out with empathy and sympathy...but...I cannot tell them how they feel. I do stand by to help in anyway I can.

 

Leah....please by very careful when you are online....you have been on this site for a long time...

 

Online predators are there to exploit and take advantage of the naive..the confused....the ones in despair...and tell them they have all the answers for them. They have the advantage of putting all the lies out there....and being hidden from view.

 

None of us parents on this site are professional therapist or counselors....not one of us are on this site to promote ourselves...or sell anything....we don't sell books...DVD's....poetry....and a red flag waves in front of me when someone comes on here talking about a book they have written on grief.....if we are smart enough to get online..on this site...we are smart enough to find/buy our own books. It is very rewarding when a parent comes on the site and tells us about a book they have read and how it helped them. But....they are not selling it. There is a difference.

 

I have to wonder about the why and how a parent would even venture on a site like this...if they have not lost a child...before I lost John David.....I could not even wrap my mind about the 'What If' of it all.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi Francesca thank you. I am planning to run again for Compassionate Friends next year. I should keep it up as I need the exercise but I'm not good and feeling so down. I'm sorry for your loss of Micheal I'm glad you came across the photos I've been sorting out photos to bring to this retreat it was so hard but when I got here tonight I was glad that I had as they have a quiet room to put them in all our Angels together for others to come and see.

I hope your move goes well.

God Bless xx

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Leah, it is good to see your post. So much time passes, it is hard to wrap our heads around what we have lost. Slowly moving forward whether we want to or not.

 

Francesca, I sent a PM.

 

Georgina, that sounds like you are going to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting face-to-face? There was a group near me but they shut down about a year ago. Let us know how it goes.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Laurie and Dee for your help in protecting this site...a 'place' where parents can come together and share their grief...in a simple and healthy environment....where we can hold hands and learn we can survive....

[ericasmom]

Sleep well All, like that of kids after a day of trick-or-treating and eating too many sweets. Deep regenerating sleep with perhaps a dream visit of your Angels.

 

Rest

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Hi All...

Been reading... trying to catch up as always. I wanted to post a picture of the pumpkin I carved for Tris tonight. I hope to catch up and post more tomorrow. 

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

I just wanted to stop in today. I had a little time to catch up on reading some of the posts. I do come and read. I just haven't had a lot of time to post. Things have been really busy here and I'm just getting over a bad head and chest cold. Yuck. I love the busyness though. It's good for me. I am loving being in the country more and more. The weather had cooled enough for me to start having some fires in the fireplace. In front of the fire is my favorite place. The change of seasons has brought its usual melancholy. I'm trying to really focus on my self care right now. Its easy not to and winter has never been a good season for me. I've always said I think I have SAD. Since losing Tris it's much worse. I'm going to try and focus on being as healthy as possible with diet and exercise. I know that helps tremendously. Still just trying to focus on my little farm and my boys and slowly continue to figure out who I am now. I still struggle with that. It's a long process... Picking up the pieces and trying to build something new.

Thinking of all who come here today and sending wishes for a peaceful Sunday.

[flocicero]

Shannon, the pumpkin is beautiful!! I'm sure Tris is loving it. Michael loved Halloween, I used to decorate the house but I haven't done that this year. Focusing on healthy eating & exercise is a great thing,I always feel so much better after exercise.....

tonight I'm feeling depressed thinking of the holidays ....I'm indulging in lots of junk food tonight, chips, chocolate, pizza.....I will regret this tomorrow but....

Diane I know exactly how you feel about only having 28 days left to remember what you were doing with your son this time last year....I felt like that starting this past summer, knowing that September 27 was the last day my son would take a breath....now I'm looking at the 2nd thanksgiving , birthday, Christmas & new year without him....I'm feeling like I won't get through it....I'm still visualizing him laying in the casket with his new Clay Matthews jersey .....I wish I would have bought that for him on his last birthday, I can hear him now "mom I love you so much, you're the best,thank you !" Sometimes I think I'm getting better but then realize I'm still sinking...

Susan thank you for your post warning folks about those that would prey upon vulnerable bereaved parents....it's so disheartening & cruel .....I have to say that I've been concerned about the safety of this site.....it feels uncomfortable when a stranger that has nothing in common with you walks into your living room, sits down & doesn't plan to leave.....

Peace & love to all

Francesca

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I can only 'imagine' how busy you can be....and I think if we can shape a theme....and focus...(with the brain fog we have)...on what we should- want- hope to accomplish....then we have a goal....not lofty....just something simple....it helps us put one foot in front of the other.

  The pumpkin looked very 'Trista'.....

 

Francesca....I, too, know that exercise and healthy eating will help combat the stress of grief...

 

Both of you know the importance of 'self care'....

 

what we 'know' is very different from what we 'do'....and on this grief journey messages get very mixed up in our mindset...it can be a Catch 22.....but the most important point is that we 'try'....if we fail today....we can get back on that horse and try and try again....it will take me a lot....1,000's of tries....

[TearsInHeaven]

Francesca, thanks for the kind words.  This month has nothing but dread in it.  Yes, the holidays are daunting.  There just is no desire for anything holiday. Not even sure if I will see my daughter and granddaughter for Christmas because of the Wyoming weather.  If it were up to me I would just hide my head for the holidays because they hurt so much.  So much in our lives has turn to such negative impact and loss this year I find it hard to imagine feeling whole.  But I know I am not alone in this reality.  Others suffer as I and somehow there might just be light somewhere.

 

I have had a dragonfly hanging around our deck for the last few weeks.  I thought when we returned from Wyoming it would be gone because the weather had gotten cold. It would sit on the railing even when we approached it.  It is still here.I know that some believe the dragonfly is a messenger from beyond.  Well, this one seems to take a real liking to here and us.  He sits very close.  After all the rain on Halloween, he was there yesterday, sitting in his spot.  Maybe...

 

Thanks for listening and prayers to all who have suffered and helped each other through.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

Dee is the one that put the words into what I felt in my heart....

    We can accept that our child does not walk on this earth home....we do not accept our child is gone...

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

When I was in Port Aransas for John David's 3rd Angelanniversary....I started that dread of looking ahead at what faced me....the holidays...

   I don't know the 'why' my thoughts can become so dark...looking ahead that far is not healthy thinking...but I can no more stop them than I can a bolt of lightning...

     I realize that it is normal for us to have that kind of somber dread...we know we will face those holidays with the empty chair...

    Maybe that is the way we can protect ourselves...by accepting the holidays are coming....we have time to gather ourselves and figure out what we want to do...and what we don't want to do...

   Many parents on this site give us very helpful coping skills...and how they got through those early years of holidays...

      The best coping skill I have learned is that I am not alone on this grief journey...

 

 

the photo of the rainbows was taken in Galveston ...by another person....thought is was so unique

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

A Posting from Grief.com on the Holidays

 

Ways to Cope

Have a Plan A/Plan B – Plan A is you go to the Thanksgiving, Christmas Day or Christmas Eve dinner with family and friends. If it doesn’t feel right, have your plan B ready. Plan B may be a movie you both liked or a photo album to look through or a special place you went to together. Many people find that when they have Plan B in place, just knowing it is there is enough.

Cancel the Holiday all together. Yes, you can cancel the Holiday. If you are going through the motions and feeling nothing, cancel them. Take a year off. They will come around again. For others, staying involved with the Holidays is a symbol of life continuing. Let the Holiday routine give you a framework during these tough times.

Try the Holidays in a new way. Grief has a unique way of giving us the permission to really evaluate what parts of the Holidays you enjoy and what parts you don’t. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle the Holidays in grief. You have to decide what is right for you and do it. You have every right to change your mind, even a few times. Friends and family members may not have a clue how to help you through the Holidays and you may not either.

It is very natural to feel you may never enjoy the Holidays again. They will certainly never be the same as they were. However, in time, most people are able to find meaning again in the traditions as a new form of the Holiday Spirit grows inside of them. Even without grief, our friends and relatives often think they know how our Holidays should look, what “the family” should and shouldn’t do.

Do’s and Don’ts

• Do be gentle with yourself and protect yourself.
• Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.
• Do allow time for the feelings.
• Don’t keep feelings bottled up. If you have 500 tears to cry don’t stop at 250.
• Do allow others to help. We all need help at certain times in our lives.
• Don’t ask if you can help or should help a friend in grief. Just help. Find ways; invite them to group events or just out for coffee.
• Do, in grief, pay extra attention to the children. Children are too often the forgotten grievers.

http://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, it was so good to see your posting and the pictures. I can imagine how comforting it must be to sit in front of the fireplace with its warmth...it was of great comfort to me to sit near our wood stove, that kind of heat sinks into your bones.

 

Susan, thanks for sharing the rainbow picture...how much the empty chair analogy fits.

 

Dianne, I think the weather won't hold you back from a visit. I lived in Wyoming during the winter many years ago. At the time, I held a job that I had to walk to and most of the time it was okay to walk to it. The main difference I remember is that they gate their highways, so if a large storm comes through they might close them down temporarily.

 

Dee, this Halloween a local church held a harvest fest so kids could come out and place games inside and have treats. I did take my 6 year old grandaughter and now almost 3 year grandson. I found out that morning that they had no costumes, so a hasty trip to the local resale shop to find something. My grandson went as a tiger, and grandaughter as a princess; This was one of the first holidays I can say I actively participated in. Small steps. One at a time. It was a okay time...met alot of people I haven't seen in a while.

 

Also,

****A special thank you to ModKonnie for her willingness to moderate this grief site and Eric too for his assistance.****

[tobyfreefoot]

trick or treat

 

been so long. i am really feeling blue. do you think i will ever be ok again? i guess not. anyway here is forest's grave after we pumpkined it up for day of the dead.

 

i hope to be back soon at least once or twice a week. told my husband i need to have some time. we'll see.  miss you all so much.

the europe trip was good because i couldn't look back-- the present was flooding in so fast. it was a nice distraction.  here i am with the original degas (paris) of the print my daughter shot through when she tried to kill herself about 14 years ago. forest found another print and gave it to me for christmas a couple years before he died.

i lit a candle for forest here in rome

here we are in a small town in italy

don't think i got any closer to my boys but hoping they got closer to each other

and here we are in a pub in wales-me, logan forest's dad (karey), a friend, karey's wife and marshall

 

[Steve s mom]

Hi Everyone .I haven't been on here for a long time.

November 14 th is Steves 4 th angelversary.

And the holidays coming up.

I hope everyone is well.

[ericasmom]

Mary Anne, good to see you here today. How have you been? Were you looking for a new job? Did you find it? If I am mixing you up with another, please forgive me. We will hold your hand as you face this next angelversarry for your Boy. It is so hard to believe that time moves quickly even on the slowest nights.

 

Shannon, wonderful to see you after so long. I am thrilled that your work on the farm and life there has really been a blessing for you and the Boys. Tris too, as she must love watching you in your daily routines, watching over you and Zak and Aidan as you feed chickens, and tend to the goats and wrap up the garden for the winter. I love that you feel cozy at the fireplace and I love that you are finding something new that is good. Trista must be very proud of her Family.

The pumpkin is grand.

 

Francesca, Erica loved Halloween as well, she went all out with the tricks as well as the treats.

 

Gretchen, another old friend who I have not seen in a while, I love the photo of you near the Degas. I do love Degas' work. I hope though that you can find some lift in your days, some kind of happy feeling that carries over from one day to the next. I think the pumpkins look fab at the gravesite, you know that Forest is grinning that enormous grin of his, loving you all the more for your super wonderful attention to his passions.

How is your Daughter's husband?

 

Laurie, I am glad that you felt a bit involved with the holiday alongside the grandies. Good for you and Great for them. And you were so clever to build them costumes at the last minute, once again, look at what they get in the way of love and care from Grammy. Baby steps are bigger than we sometimes know. Your little 6 year old will remember this Halloween as a wonderful one with the steps you took to make it so.

 

I echo what Laurie said about Konnie and Eric ...they have watched over this site for many years and we are grateful.

[ericasmom]

Dianne, maybe just reading what Laurie posted about Plan A and Plan B might help you feel better about canceling the winter holidays. Going to Wyoming could be daunting, so maybe planning a trip for April or May might feel better for you. For me, planning anything felt wrong, I just could not look ahead very well, afraid to. But I know that sometimes just canceling travel might ease your anxiety. Do it, your Daughter will likely understand. A nice springtime visit may feel more doable. The most important thing is to allow yourself the ability to say No, not this year. You may need to say it for more than one year, that is okay, we don't have a time in which to be finished grieving...good thing, because we never stop missing our Babies, we learn to keep them with us as we find a way to live again, they are rooting for us with each step forward and back. One day you will, I promise, feel more able to make those new steps, right now is not that time.

 

Peace

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

MaryAnn, 

So good to see you. I know the days leading up to the dates that are forever etched in our hearts can be so hard. Sending you love and prayers. 

 

Gretchen, 

Forest's site looks so festive for Day of the Dead... so much love. I'm glad your trip was good. I love the picture of your group heading out for trick or treat. I took Aiden but I was sick. He's used to me dressing up with him and I had no time to plan a costume. I took a bunch of faux fall leaves and pinned them to my sweatshirt (I was wearing lots of layers since I was still having chills)... and called myself the Goddess of Autumn. He was happy with it. I ask myself a lot... if I will ever be okay again. I don't think I will. Not in the way I was before. There are days I have a little more footing and days that as soon as I open my eyes, I know ... Today... I just hold on. If that's all I can do... that's okay. 

 

Dee, 

Thank you. The farm really has been a blessing. I don't know if I posted about our 'rescue bunnies'? My friend Chanzie has brought me every 'rescue' she can. First was three rabbits... all girls, according to her friend who raises rabbits. Her Girls named them after Disney princesses... so we had Snow White, Jasmine, and Aurora. Well, one day we suddenly had, not three but seven rabbits. We had to change Jasmine's name to Jazzy Jeff.

 

Laurie,

You are so right about the fire. One night Aiden and I made a little bed beside it and slept there all night. It brought back memories of sleepovers at my Grandparents house. There would be a fire in the "Ben Franklin"... no clue why they called it that.. Maybe the type of stove it was? They would pull out the sleeping bags from the attic... checkered flannel on the outside and flannel with deer jumping and dancing on the inside. They smelled of past campfires... and we would snuggle up in front of the fire. I would move closer and closer until my Grandpa would come in and make me move back... telling me I was making him nervous and that he's afraid I would crawl right in the fire if he wasn't watching. 

 

Susan, 

The picture of the rainbow is beautiful. I have also been thinking ahead to the holidays. 

My thoughts on the holidays.... do whatever feels right. That first year I was a manic mess. The second too, really. With my oldest, Zak, I could have said... Let's do a vacation instead. He'd have been fine with that...but Aiden was only four that first year. I felt I owed him all the traditions. I was a complete wreck. 

 

Francesca,

Trista also loved Halloween like your Michael. She always said... If you got gifts it would beat Christmas. I used to go all out too. She was my driving force. I did not this year. For one thing I was sick but my heart just wasn't in it. I decorated with my little one and we made monster cupcakes and of course, I took him trick or treating but that was about it. I planned on starting my Yoga again tonight to get myself on track but instead after a crazy busy day, I decided on a glass of red wine and some chocolate snuck from Aiden's halloween basket. I deserved it and I guess, that could fall under self care too. Yoga tomorrow.

 

I think I posted that my Trista's best friend, Abigail wanted to come stay with me. Well, I decided to give it a try. She's been here a couple of weeks. She's met a boy that she actually knew before. He's from our hometown and is going to school here. She's doing well. I'm helping her get her license and she's looking for a job. She's been super helpful around the house and barn and has even helped with some of Aiden's lessons. She felt she just needed a change... to start fresh, and get healthy. I know how that feels so if being here is good for her, I'm glad to offer a place to do that. 

 

I'm sitting my the fire, enjoying the quiet. I'm going to read awhile and hopefully sleep well. I've had some insomnia again. Sending wishes for a peaceful rest for all. 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Just to let you know I'm reading and praying for you all. That's all I can manage right now.

I was taken into hospital yesterday to have the other Lump removed I was agony had to have a general anisetic and eight stitches The surgeon was very worried about me as my blood pressure was 189/109 I'm now having to have tests for this. He said that stress can cause all this and when I explained what's happening he said your body can only take so much and you can either have these constant Lumps, stroke or heart attack! He said you have to cut your stress levels down?

I'm just struggling so much. I know we all are the days are so very dark. James's birthdays looming up I just love him and miss him belong words can say.

I'll write about the Compassionate Friends retreat soon to let you know how it went.

God Bless everyone

Georgina xxxx

[Mermaid Tears]

Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason

October 20, 2015

I emerge from this conversation dumbfounded. I've seen this a million times before, but it still gets me every time. 

I’m listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident; her life shattered in an instant. She now lives in a state of near-permanent pain; a paraplegic; many of her hopes stolen.

He tells of how she had been a mess before the accident, but that the tragedy had engendered positive changes in her life. That she was, as a result of this devastation, living a wonderful life.

And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.

That's the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue. 

It is amazing to me that so many of these myths persist—and that is why I share actionable tools and strategies to work with your pain in my free newsletter. These myths are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication, and they preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've heard these countless times. You've probably even uttered them a few times yourself. And every single one of them needs to be annihilated.

Let me be crystal clear: if you've faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. 

These words come from my dear friend Megan Devine, one of the only writers in the field of loss and trauma I endorse. These words are so poignant because they aim right at the pathetic platitudes our culture has come to embody on a increasingly hopeless level. Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante cannot be fixed. 

They can only be carried.

I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn't. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we've replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence.  

I now live an extraordinary life. I've been deeply blessed by the opportunities I've had and the radically unconventional life I've built for myself. Yet even with that said, I'm hardly being facetious when I say that loss has not in and of itself made me a better person. In fact, in many ways it's hardened me.

While so much loss has made me acutely aware and empathetic of the pains of others, it has made me more insular and predisposed to hide. I have a more cynical view of human nature, and a greater impatience with those who are unfamiliar with what loss does to people.

Above all, I've been left with a pervasive survivor’s guilt that has haunted me all my life. This guilt is really the genesis of my hiding, self-sabotage and brokenness.

In short, my pain has never been eradicated, I've just learned to channel it into my work with others. I consider it a great privilege to work with others in pain, but to say that my losses somehow had to happen in order for my gifts to grow would be to trample on the memories of all those I lost too young; all those who suffered needlessly, and all those who faced the same trials I did early in life, but who did not make it. 

I'm simply not going to do that. I'm not going to construct some delusional narrative fallacy for myself so that I can feel better about being alive. I'm not going to assume that God ordained me for life instead of all the others so that I could do what I do now. And I'm certainly not going to pretend that I've made it through simply because I was strong enough; that I became "successful" because I "took responsibility."

There’s a lot of “take responsibility” platitudes in the personal development space, and they are largely nonsense. People tell others to take responsibility when they don’t want to understand.

Because understanding is harder than posturing. Telling someone to “take responsibility” for their loss is a form of benevolent masturbation. It’s the inverse of inspirational porn: it’s sanctimonious porn.

Personal responsibility implies that there’s something to take responsibility for. You don’t take responsibility for being raped or losing your child. You take responsibility for how you choose to live in the wake of the horrors that confront you, but you don't choose whether you grieve. We're not that smart or powerful. When hell visits us, we don't get to escape grieving.

This is why all the platitudes and fixes and posturing are so dangerous: in unleashing them upon those we claim to love, we deny them the right to grieve.

In so doing, we deny them the right to be human. We steal a bit of their freedom precisely when they're standing at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.

No one—and I mean no one—has that authority. Though we claim it all the time.

The irony is that the only thing that even can be "responsible" amidst loss is grieving. 

So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, you can let them go.

If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go.

If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that you’ll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.

Let me reiterate: all of those platitudes are bullshit. 

You are not responsible to those who try to shove them down your throat. You can let them go. 

I’m not saying you should. That is up to you, and only up to you. It isn't an easy decision to make and should be made carefully. But I want you to understand that you can.

I've grieved many times in my life. I've been overwhelmed with shame and self-hatred so strong it’s nearly killed me.

The ones who helped—the only ones who helped—were those who were there. And said nothing. 

In that nothingness, they did everything.

I am here—I have lived—because they chose to love me. They loved me in their silence, in their willingness to suffer with me, alongside me, and through me. They loved me in their desire to be as uncomfortable, as destroyed, as I was, if only for a week, an hour, even just a few minutes.

Most people have no idea how utterly powerful this is.

Are there ways to find "healing" amidst devastation? Yes. Can one be "transformed" by the hell life thrusts upon them? Absolutely. But it does not happen if one is not permitted to grieve. Because grief itself is not an obstacle.

The obstacles come later. The choices as to how to live; how to carry what we have lost; how to weave a new mosaic for ourselves? Those come in the wake of grief. It cannot be any other way. 

Grief is woven into the fabric of the human experience. If it is not permitted to occur, its absence pillages everything that remains: the fragile, vulnerable shell you might become in the face of catastrophe.

Yet our culture has treated grief as a problem to be solved, an illness to be healed, or both. In the process, we've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. As a result, when you're faced with tragedy you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people, you're surrounded by platitudes. 

What to Offer Instead

When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. This means that the act of inviting someone—anyone—into their world is an act of great risk. To try and fix or rationalize or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words: 

I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.

Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you're going to do something. That is not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to listen to them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful.

There is no greater act than acknowledgment. And acknowledgment requires no training, no special skills, no expertise. It only requires the willingness to be present with a wounded soul, and to stay present, as long as is necessary.

Be there. Only be there. Do not leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you're not doing anything. In fact, it is when you feel uncomfortable and like you're not doing anything that you must stay.

Because it is in those places—in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter—where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Thus I beg you, I plead with you, to be one of these people.

You are more needed than you will ever know. 

And when you find yourself in need of those people, find them. I guarantee they are there. 

Everyone else can go. 

 

 

this pretty sums up what I believe....about my grief...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, very good article you shared from Tim Lawrence. I found this to speak to me:

 

When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. This means that the act of inviting someone—anyone—into their world is an act of great risk. To try and fix or rationalize or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

 

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words:

 

I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.

 

For me, to be truthful, I am not willing at this point to invite anyone into "this world" I now live. My BFF from when I was 14 years old just walked away, couldn't handle it...another "close" friend went around my local town "discussing" our family's endurance of the legal trial in a manner that casted us in a very negative light. 

 

However, that being said, there are some though who do maintain those ties, whose friends stick with them...what a blessing indeed. I think it does aid in the carrying of this sorrow.

 

***************************************************************

 

Gretchen, thanks for sharing the pictures. I found the picture of the cathedral to be very lovely; I too have gravitated to these basilicas to light candles for my children and to quietly meditate in my heart.

 

Marshall sure does look like Forest...it was good to hear from you and that this trip provided some bonding time away from it all.  On Halloween here, I saw a young man wearing a Luigi outfit along with his much younger brother. I could not help but think of you as soon as I saw it.

 

**************************************************************

 

Georgina, there have been times when I just sat back and read...I am sorry to hear that you are enduring so many physical ailments. Sending gentle thoughts today.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Laurie...I forgot to add the author's name....

 

oh yes....so many well meaning people said :

 

God needed another angel....

He is in a much better place...

He does not suffer anymore and is at peace...

You have an angel to watch over you...

 

My protective Mama Bear reaction was instantly ignited...

 

No....I don't think or will ever think that God needed my child more than I...or that another place is better than beside me...and I don't need another angel watching over me...I needed my child here to watch over me...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, I think I will repost your article on my other thread...thanks for the find.

[Mermaid Tears]

by all means Laurie....I think it is a message that will give many grieving parents their voice....

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...and so many parents on this site talk about how the Betrayal....from close family and friends was not only felt...but demonstrated....

loved ones walked away

close friends abandoned the family

 

so...another hurtful layer was put upon the grief....

unexplained...

no one called about it...

no one talked about it...

 

like the child did not ever exist....

'if we don't mention their name'

 

if we don't talk about it...

 

if we don't come  close to it....

 

we don't have to be a part of it....

[Steve s mom]

Hi Dee,

I did not get a new job but transferred to another area within the same hospital.

I have not been doing well,of late I had a car accident 10-11 and was hospitalized along with the concussion and related injuries .i also have been having more heart problems they don't know if I passed out before the crash,after from the head injury or from low blood pressure or from heart problem before

I am out of work untill after nov 30

I am on a heart monitor at home all month and cannot drive till I don't know when.i just keep thinking maybe this is what Steve had ,why didn't I just die too.could he have been saved if he had the same medical care as I .if he could have been monitored before it occurred.

I am still working on his memorial service that will be a part of our 35 wedding anniversary and the 5 th year of his passing in 2016.

I have to do this for him ,he cannot be forgotten.

Thanks for your concern

[Mermaid Tears]

Mary Ann....please know that there are many parents on this site that know the issues that come from grieving...

they can impact one emotionally and then very physically....

I think they are impacting you physically....

Please...self care...please...do not ask many questions from yourself or others...

which will never have an answer...

 

or not an answer that would satisfy us....

 

there are none...

 

please...direct your energy and healing toward yourself...and plan on the 35th anniversary and memorial...

 

and then I think 'most' will be ok....

 

sending you lots of peace....

[rlolheiser]

the 30th was the 9th anniversary of JaBoa passing... and I feel my life has snowballed.  It started with mom no longer being able to take care of herself, my having other grandchildren in my care that didn't handle her death well.. my husband not sharing the grief we were going through.. my mom's increasing sickness.. grandchildren growing up totally messed up... mom passing.. husband turning to alcohol and our marriage crumbling.. and me..  so much I feel I stayed the same.. the same caregiver..  trying to fix everybody from the time I was little..  but now I can't fix anybody or anything.. and I am so fallen apart I gave to much of me and nothing is left over.  I am ready to run away from home..  and don't know how to stop me. 

 

I can't do counseling..  heck I can barely afford gas to town for groceries.. my lovely country home has turned into a prison.  I thought with mom gone I would grow and fly and live..   sorry.. I know no body can help me.. I am just venting cause nobody here is listening

[InHeavensKeeping]

I Wonder xx

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen....wow....you put a new spin on pumpkins....a labor of love....thanks for the update on your trip...I think all parents who grieve feel the change of the seasons....and November 1st marks the calendar that the holidays are ahead...

we feel that small nagging dread come creeping up...

it is normal for us...no matter where you are on the grief journey....1 year....3 years...and more...

 

sometimes I feel as if I don't have a clock or calendar to measure time...I have 2 places I live in...before and after...

[Mermaid Tears]

Leah....you vent all you want....of course our marker dates always put us into exhaustion...what did you do on the 30th? Am sorry I did not post my care for you. I am now.

    Mothers...Grandmothers...are natural caretakers....and you have been a super caretaker....and when we give and give we can look around and feel as if there just isn't any gas in the tank....and there may not be....

    I hope you can start to self care....it is hard when all our life our theme was to take care of others...it is hard to turn that light on yourself....but...you can. Self love and self care are the same things. One will not take care of themselves if they do not love themselves. It is time to put yourself first....draw that line in the sand.....create healthy boundaries. It is never...ever too late.

 

When I lost John David...I always seem to have this 'flight' thought. I wanted to run away...fly away...go away...the urge is still there....but not as strong....I think for me the urge to fly away comes when I am overwhelmed with a situation I have NO control over.

[TearsInHeaven]

JaBoa's Grandma you vent all you need to.  If I have leaned one thing it is to get it out and the kind people hear are always listening.  Sorry for your additional hardships.

 

Dee, It is so difficult to think of my daughter and granddaughter so far away. If it were up to me, I would crawl in a hole and hope the next couple of months pass but Heather is grieving too and Piper is so little.  What to do, what to do???? 

 

Georgina so sorry for all of your health issues.They certainly make everything feel so wrong.  Guess what they say about grief causing physical maladies is so true.  I hope you feel better.  By the way that is a beautiful picture you added of James.  As is the moon picture.  I am a believer.

 

Laurie we saw the gates on the highway in Wyoming.  That was kind of daunting.  I hope my daughter learns to "stock up".  She is bad about that.  Luckily she mostly works remotely so she doesn't have to get to work.  She does have to fly to Chicago periodically but hopefully they will understand the weather. Her husband's job is pretty close so he should be ok.  They live in Laramie.  Wile there appears to be a housing boom there is not much there especially for a college town.

 

Susan my sentiments exactly. I have thought how I wish I could just fly away from here. As I get older and find myself overwhelmed I want to take the flight instead of a fight.  We have lost all of our friends and have very little family so I feel so isolated alot.  When I was working I had multiple conference calls a day and at least I had someone to talk to even if it was just work.  Now the sameness and the quiet drive me nuts.  The recruiters aren't able to find me another contract yet so here I am. At least we have had some beautiful days here. It is a gift for sure.  That is what I will miss going to Houston once a month.  In January flowers were planted and what short walking I cold do I always tried to pass by the flowers.

 

Gretchen what an incredible trip! 

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

this is Mother Nature putting on an Air Show....this is awesome....who knows....maybe a surfer....fisherman...boat captain left this earth home...and was sending a message to loved ones.....

 

this was cloud formations in Colorado.....amazing....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dianne....I live in Brenham....which is midway between Houston and Austin....we call it the 'sweet spot'....for we get no tornadoes...flooding...and just wind and rain if a hurricane hits the coast...it is so warm ....we are still running the air conditioners...flowers blooming....South Texas....

      I so understand how very isolated you must feel....and grief contains us in such a way....we just don't feel like going out to socialize...I 'cocooned'.....but....I think you are so compounded by the fact that you are so far from your daughter, granddaughter and son-in-law.

   And you are facing that Angelanniversary.....there are no magic pills or words but I can assure you that we are here so you don't have to face it alone....I will not candy coat anything.....we know it is just so darn hard.

     Many parents on this site has echoed the same feeling of wanting to 'fly away'....leave the situation...the house...away from it all.....I know for me....it is just a knee jerk reaction to not wanting to sit, sleep, eat, work with the sadness and pain.

[daveydow1]

Hello to ALL  INDIGOS........Yikes....I haven't been on BI for awhile, and am so

behind with reading.....and can't get caught up.  (I've been sick with a nasty

stomach bug....Yuk)       Glad to see everyone's posts. Maybe I'll get caught

up sometime.    

 

 

JABOA......JABOA........SWEET   ANGEL   IN   HEAVEN....REMEMBERING YOU.  

 

Leah---I'm sorry I missed sweet JaBoa's Angelversary.  Thinking of you & wishing you peace.

 

 

Dee-----How's the little grandies doing?   Is your weather unseasonably warm?   Must be ElNino, huh?   

 

 

 

 

WISHING  PEACE   AND  COMFORT    TO  ALL INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[ericasmom]

Who the hell are you and why are you here? We aren't into spells of attraction nor the crap being introduced here, we are grieving the loss of our Beloved Children and there is no room for crass and inappropriate sales here. Go away Jane Greg.

I have reported you to our moderator and please...nobody email that name. Talk about scams.

[Mermaid Tears]

Must be the Season of the Freaks....

[Mermaid Tears]

I think the scammers and con artist must have gone to the same class to learn how to break into new venues to prey upon people.....

 

Grieving people that are isolated seem to be the most vulnerable...

 

thankfully we have people on this site that step up to protect the parents that are here to simply find a way to survive and heal....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Leah, Wanted to say your JaBoa's name today for her angelversary that just passed. Thinking of you and wishing you gentleness for the day.

 

Mary Ann, thank you for the post the other day. This is early but wanted to say you are in my prayers as the lead up to the day of your Steve's transition is many times filled with a certain anxiousness.

 

Steve, thinking of you today and how much your life sparkled...

 

[tobyfreefoot]

oh leah i haven't seen you in so long. i haven't been here. i am so sorry life is so impossible  holding you in my heart today.  now that i have grandaughters of my own your loss touches me even more.

 

 

 

 

here is a poem i wrote as i drove home today:

 

 

A shocked staccato "NO!" rips from my throat.

 

I slam it back into the steel trap that has become my heart.

 

Stunned I check the lock again and again,

 

but still the tumblers slip.

[Mermaid Tears]

thanks for the poem Gretchen....we so understand it....

I can go along with the go along...and bam! I am down again.

[rlolheiser]

Laurie, Susan, Gretchen, Dianne, Sherry.. everybody who reads.  Thank you for the wishes for my JaBoa.  We didn't do anything on the 30th.  It is getting where nobody does anything.  Her mom had mentioned it but then forgot.  I just sat silent .. talking to her..  I still feel connected to her.  I wish I had the drive to take care of me.  I feel slipping into the darkness.  I know all the should dos but when your house is over run with others the desire isn't there.  My son.. JaBoa's siblings, my great grands all need me.  I have been working to make the parents move.  It scares me to have them move.. but it scares me if they don't.  It isn't my  house anymore..  I feel nothing is mine anymore..  I know it is a pity party talking.. and I am still trying to hang in there.  Hubby and I are not getting along at all ..   I am so afraid by the weekend it will hit the fan again.. he will ask me to pick up his bottle.. and this time I will say no.   Not real sure how it will go with him. 

 

I am so glad I have this place to come.  I may not know you in person.. but I know your hearts..  and I share the  heartbreak of losing our babies...  My heart goes out to everyone who posts here with their loss..  How I wish we could wrap our arms around each other and celebrate the lives and memories of our angels..  

 

thanks for being the wonderful parents you are.. 

[TearsInHeaven]

I think JaBoa's Grandma has a great idea.  I think we could all use a hug.

 

 

 

 

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Susan thanks for the advice.  This last month and the frightening weeks ahead seem like the worst it has ever been.  I have always been a planner but missing my daughter, losing my son, all of our plans to get geographically closer are just gone.

I just loved my few trips to Texas.  I had two contracts there, one with Texas Health Resources in Dallas and one with Texas Childrens.  I have a very hard time traveling because of my joints but since I only had to go once in a while I really liked getting a break from the Chicagoland weather. but I know a lot of my colleagues suffered from this year's flooding in Houston.

I just have to believe I will get through this.