Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 15, 2015 I think this first photo is one of my favorites....you can see the Lydia Ann Lighthouse between Austin and Pibby....our crabs after cleaning....and Mother Nature putting Mother Earth to rest....sunset...on the water... thank you, Dee....I do have gratitude for all my blessings... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 15, 2015 I think this first photo is one of my favorites....you can see the Lydia Ann Lighthouse between Austin and Pibby....our crabs after cleaning....and Mother Nature putting Mother Earth to rest....sunset...on the water... thank you, Dee....I do have gratitude for all my blessings... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 15, 2015 I am thinking there may be some kind of glitch on the site for the double posting....sorry.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted August 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 Susan- what beautiful pictures and what a beautiful celebration of the life of John David. To have your family and friends surround you and him is amazing. I am almost 9 months into this and feel everything slipping away and getting worst. But I try. We've lost most of our friends. A couple of my husband's friends still keep in contact with him but it is weird. The only family I have is my daughter's family and a cousin whom I have always been close to. She is older than me but we have been close. She was Michael's godmother. Now pretty much if I say something about Michael she tells me we are not talking about it so other than here I just try to move along. Counseling didn't give me what I needed so I just go day to day. Sorry--sounds like I am whining and I know you all have been through this. What a challenge this is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 Gorgeous photos indeed Susan, I agree with Dianne. Dianne, you are not whining, you are grieving and if it isn't enough to lose our Beloved Child, we lose friends and contacts too all due to the fact that they cannot handle our loss...they cannot handle our pain, it reminds them all too often that they have no control and they don't want that reminder...I wonder what would happen if you said, " oh yes, we are talking about Michael right now, I have to in order to breathe adn I thought you would be a perfect person in which to share this grief, his Godmom, my friend/cousin...yes we need to talk about Michael right now because my heart aches when I cannot, and because he lives and within all I do, including being with you."I just wonder what she would say. I do believe we have all lost friends and contacts when we lost our Child. Some drifted slowly away while others high-tailed it at the sound of a whimper or his/her name. I guess that is their problem, it cannot be ours, we already have enough. How sad it is for others who can't go there with us, how sad that they are terrified of acknowledging death as a part of life, and that they can't comfort and be a shoulder. I wonder then, who will they try to lean on if they ever find sadness?I have been lucky in that I speak of ERica each day with family, I don't walk on eggshells as I figure if you can't handle hearing an Eri-story, well I don't need you near. It can get lonely Dianne, but we are here and maybe if you integrate Michael into your conversations with new people in your life, you will find friends with realistic coping mechanisms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 My Little Wonders! Opps, too small. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 Dee....you wrote the perfect words....'little wonders'....there is an ancient...old...carousel at the Fireman's park in Brenham...they open it when we have festivals...the city spent mucho $$$$$ to have it restored a few years ago...all my children and GRANDchildren have ridden it with me.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 Dianne....ever since I have been on this site....other parents have struggled with this kind of 'grief betrayal'...if you could read older posts you will see the same theme carried out in the lives of the parents that not only are breaking with the heavy weight of their grief....but the loneliness that comes when family and friends seem to shun them... and here I was with my grief...but my heart would just cringe when I would read how some were treated... but please re-read what Dee has written over and over...wise words are written for you... I can say that before I lost John David....I was ignorant of what kind of grief comes with losing a child...no...I was never inconsiderate..or rude..or unkind.....but...now...I realize I could have done more...reached out more...circled the wagons a little longer. I really am blessed with my family....circle of friends...and the town I live in...not everyone knew John David...we moved back to Brenham in 2004....we lived here in the early 80's....but I can say that all that went to school with him...never forgot him...I just went to the jewelry store last week and the 'girl' who waited on me told me a John David story....her boyfriend was John David's friend and they would come and go swimming...I had a rule that no one could go swimming that did not bring a beach towel..and take it home...(I could not win the fight of handing out towels and getting them dry)....she brought no towel...so John David 'sneaked' her one....a trivial little story....but she remembered...and gave me that remembrance...and it put a shine to my day. I did not go to counseling....simply because the counselor would not know John David...Me finding this site has done more for my state of mind...than anything....I guess because I can truly relate to people that has lost a child....all are unique...all the stories are unique....but I find some common ground with everyone. I 'cocooned' for a long time....in fact....I am still not back doing what all I use to do for our community...so...I really don't know if anyone was backing away from me... But many on this site will understand how hurt you are by this cousin....his Godmother...and her refusal for not talking about him...with you. I have come to understand there are many 'weenie heads' out there....many are just not strong enough to stand for you and be by you....there are many weak sisters and brothers out there....frankly....they just don't have courage...I have known some people that were 'weak' when they were in their 20's....and they are still weak in their '60's'....maybe she is a weak sister...this is a hard way to find out a person's true colors.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted August 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 Thank you for the 'pep" talk if that is what to call it. I guess I just let everything run over. Michael's friends have been kinder than ours, for sure. They have checked in with us even though that too is not as frequent. Thank you for the advice as I truly can use it. I just let things come to the surface. I am so glad I came to this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Dianne, I agree with everything written here regarding people leaving...those are called "secondary" losses...I have lost many of my old circle of friends. But now I feel that sometimes certain things (incl. friendships) are meant to "fade"...My family (extended) has no problem with talking about Jesse or my infant son, Taylor. There were a lot of losses immediately after Jesse and six months before he passed, my cousin's son passed also named Jesse. Susan, thanks for sharing all of the pictures. I had to think twice whether I would want to go crab "fishing"...probably not since I am afraid of anything that is not a bluegill or a sunfish. The remembrance looked very nice with lots of family bonding time. Dee, thank you again for the warm words of wisdom you share on this site...they are always appreciated. Like the little pics...looks like something I would do. Sherry, thanks too. I appreciate the stories you share from your everyday life...somehow we are pushed forward...I have learned much from the sharing that happens here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD99501 Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 just simply feeling really alone right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Surreal, I am sorry that you are feeling so alone. What have you been doing and where have you been this summer? Tell us what is going on in your world at this time. Laurie, so funny, usually I post my photos so large that they are turned sideways, this time I thought shrinking the photos would work but I shrunk them too much. Maybe I will get it right next time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 surreal...I responded to a Dad on another site...to come to this site...am sure...you can help him... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Laurie....I finally had a day....on Saturday....which was free.....and I treated myself by watching Mary Neal's NDE on youtube...in fact...I would watch/listen to certain parts of her speech over to really understand what she was saying...I wanted to watch others...but...Randa and Pibby came over... You and I are in this 3rd year....this Angelversary for my boy was different...for me. While I was in Port Aransas I flirted with different ideas ...paths...in dealing/learning how to sit between Grief and Grace... more portals are opening up...when the shock suit fits so tight...I know it is to protect our sanity...for if all the thoughts/memories/questions came at once....I know I would have a huge mental breakdown... I have been having an anxious fixation on John David dying by himself...with no family around...I don't know why all this is coming now...Was he calling for me? Was he scared?I re-read EKR and she stated that our loved ones do not die alone...that has comforted me... Also in Port Aransas....I was thinking I would need to make a conscience decision to heal...after seeing Mary Neal's talk....it has given me another layer of thought provoking tools for my self to ponder/study...to thrive instead of survive... the fact that when she had her NDE she was told her oldest son would die....I need to watch her other talks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Surreal...this is for you and all the Dad's on this site....well....really....for every Dad that has lost a child... I hope you can find something in your day that will ease the sense of loneliness...emptiness and isolation....I find the answer in Mother Nature...I go outside... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members InHeavensKeeping Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Oh God where to start. Just can't cope. I feel like I'm stuck in mud and cannot get out. I know none of these posts were for me but I cling to each and every word. Surreal I too feel so lost. Lost is such a scary place. Laurie I agree it's like having two losses when all abandon you. Dianne James's friends have been so supportive to us too. But not so much now. I understand they have thier own lives . James girlfriend changed her profile picture on FB from one with him. That really hurt but I try to understand. Dee thank you for all the support and words of comfort you give. Susan I love the pictures what a lovely celebration with your family. Can I ask who is Mary Neal And EKR ? It's my husbands birthday Wednesday another first without him. Feeling so anxious and scared. I just don't want this to be true. The 11th is creeping up on us I miss my boy so much. WHY? God Bless everyone Georgina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Georgina, just wanted you to know, that when I post, sometimes I may direct to someone but I am always writing with this "community" as a whole in mind...sometimes when we read what someone else has written, we can "piggy-back" on those thoughts/feelings, and when we add on, a greater thought/healing may be revealed. I think probably most of us would agree with this...we find something to hang onto in these posts....each moment at a time. Surreal/JD...thinking of you...please share as needed....there are always those unbearable moments in this journey... Susan...yes Mary Neal gave me something to think about....I do believe we have someone come for us as well...(too many personal testimonies have been given directly to me to doubt that) however the pain in our heart will always rise to the surface when those reminders or triggers come about...or just idlely thinking...it is the price of loving our children the way we do... So I am truly grateful for all those who continue to come here and share their children and their hearts...sending gentle thoughts for the day... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Laurie----I agree....we are pushed/pulled forward after the loss of ourchildren. They are always in our thoughts & in our hearts.....until wemeet again. Surreal-----I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. Yes....I believe that lonelinessis part of the grief process. We can be lonely even when we are aroundpeople, I guess. I think that it may be because of our yearning for ourlost children. Sending thoughts & prayers. Dianne-----It hurts when friends, and even family members, seem toavoid us....or it may be just a 'drifting away' from us. At this pointon my journey, I guess that I am just resigned to the way it is. Mostof the friends I have had throughout the years have either moved away,died, or just 'drifted away'. I hope that your friends/family will stay close to you.Always a comfort to have someone that you can talk to openly, but as somany here at BI have experienced......some people will just not want tohear about someone else's sorrow. I guess that it frightens them. Peace to you. Dee----thanks for the pics of the Little Loves. So cute. I did, so, enjoy mytime at the one-room school. Teacher taught four grades, all in one room. She'dgive work to the other pupils when she was teaching a grade. Of course, kidslistened to some of the other lessons, and that is one way that I learned to spellso well. We had recess, of course, and the teacher rang a hand bell to call usback in. My kids tease me, but they like to hear about the school......namedsimply ........#16. Still waiting on rain here, but not much chance for rain....at least in the near future. Our garden is winding down now. Will need to digthe potatoes pretty soon. Georgina----I'm so sorry that you are in such a dark place. Please just keep coming to BI. Many times it helps some to express your sorrow. Glad thatJames' dear friends are so kind. It means a lot when our child's friends keepin touch. After all this time, I never hear from David's friends, but as you say....they move on with their lives. I felt extremely isolated when my baby, Lisa,died. When a baby dies, there are no friends of theirs, of course.....so onehopes to have contact with their family and friends. I'm sorry that your dearhusband's birthday is Wednesday......another cause of grief for you, sinceyou are without him. Please try to take care of yourself, Georgina.Sending thoughts & prayers. Paula-----You said that you look at the sky and clouds and meditate. That issuch a good idea, and can bring peace to see the beauty. I have always beenintrigued by the moon, sky, clouds, and the changes that they make. I thinkthat you are wise to do meditation. It can help to bring peace & serenity. Thinking of you....Kate, and Shannon......Hope you are doing OK. WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom,.......Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted August 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Georgina, Elisabeth Kubler -Ross was a Swiss psychiatrist who worked with dying children for almost all of her professional career. She also brought about the idea of hospice care to the US -- which at that time (1960's-70's) had institutionalized much of caring for the dying instead of the home environment. Here is a link to her website: http://www.ekrfoundation.org/ Mary Neal, is an American doctor who had a NDE. She later on lost her son Willy at age 18 when he was ran over in Maine. I found parts of her story to be helpful to me. http://drmaryneal.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 18, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 I must apologize..... sometimes when I send a posting....I am thinking of a parent on this site that can/should/would benefit from what I am posting.... but it really is for all....on this site....we are never just sending to one parent....but maybe we would like for one parent that is having a really...really bad day....bad week....to know we are here....so....we send a posting to that 'one parent'...that maybe needs to know they have been heard...listened to....and we feel the hurt you are hurting... we are all reading the same book....just on different chapters....we are all on this grief journey together...and must hold hands.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LauraI Posted August 18, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 Just wanted to let everyone know my sons open heart surgery was a success. I got to speak with him for the second time this morning for the second time since his surgery last week. I feel so blessed to have his guardian angels looking over him. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. God Bless You All! Buy daughter and new granddaughter are doing well also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted August 18, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 Laural- A beautiful baby! Such a precious joy to come into your life. And I am so glad you told us how well your son is doing. He had a lot of prayers coming to him. Good things do happen. All- just want you all to know that I appreciate being able to read everything whether it is directed to me or not because most times it hits a spot in my heart that I just hadn't communicated. This group has been a big help to me. And when I hit a boulder and think I cannot get around it and pour my feelings out it is a comfort to have some one (or so many) be willing to direct their thoughts to me. It is a comfort. Please continue to share and offer. Someday I hope I can be strong enough to share with others who are in need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 18, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 Laural.....we are so happy to smile with and along side you with the great news of your son's successful surgery...and look at that gorgeous baby girl....!!! Thanks for sharing.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 19, 2015 Laural, what great news, Son is doing well and Baby Princess is here and smiling. She has such big beautiful hands. My grandgirl does too, did at birth and still does, which is so much like my own Erica daughter. I am happy for this day Laural, it is a good day. So to All, we are experiencing more lightning and thunder this evening, much like last night, lots of rain last night. Oh brother, there are thunder-rumbles that last a long while, tornado warnings to the south of us. Just so you all know, Everything we post here is for Everyone, we may direct to specific folks, but heck, I often get a lot out of those directed to others...it is how we get to know one another so well too. We are joined by the daily conversations, and there is nothing that you should not talk about for fear of it not being important enough...the way I look at all of YOU is that we are sitting around a big table, and we are hanging out, if I make a new recipe and want to tell you, I do. We just share our lives both the dramatic and heavy stuff along with the less heavy stuff and the joy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 19, 2015 Dianne, I am so glad that you feel the unity here, the care. We are in this together in many many ways. You are probably getting the rain and storms that passed through here a while ago, hold tight, they pack a big punch. Sherry, our school garden looks sad, it was just sooooo rainy in June and without much sunlight, so the plants suffered greatly by not getting thicker and taller due to lack of sun...Oh well, we have tomatoes, maybe some cucumbers coming too. Sandy, just so wondering how you are, how life is treating you these days? Like Dianne, you are likely getting some big storms. I hope that you are well. Wade? Are you back from Alaska? Surreal, any better today? Becky, are you healing? Shannon, all things good? Lori, how was your quick trip to Chicago? Leah, are you finding some time to reflect and to rest? Colleen, what is up these days? To Trudi, Carol, Bonnie, Greg, Betty, Betsy, Karen, and so many others whose hearts have crossed our paths, I am thinking of you and wishing you all very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted August 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 19, 2015 Thanks, Dee. You paint the best visuals. The sitting around the table is a good one.Yes the storms were brutal last night---lost a couple of branches from our weeping cherry. But does our lawn look better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 19, 2015 This is how I see all of us on this site....each of you have been a very healing layer on my grief journey....as each of you know...it is a day to day journey... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 Morning all, I am off to school to continue setting up my classroom. Yesterday we had computer issues so I was unable to get aboard. Anyone hear from Kate? Kate, I am thinking about you and sending good vibes. Gretchen? In Europe? Gretchen, doing okay? The weather is just how I love it! Breezy and cool, in the 60's this morning. Oh I do love fall weather! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rlolheiser Posted August 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 Hi.. been reading time to time... Just not posting much of anything. Mom's death has hit me hard, it is over a month and I just feel so lost over it. I need to finish cleaning out her room.. paint.. my son so much wants to have his room back. It is hard for me to do this.. family life just isn't sett ling down here. The kids start school next week and I am usually ready.. I am so un organized... I don't know who I am anymore. I am fighting with guilt.. still feeling I killed her by doing hospice.. and yet I know I didn't.. but question my starting to soon... and still saying I did right.. but .. How I hate that I can't keep the guilt away from my brain. I still wake up hearing her all night... so real a sound.. I ask her if she is here.... but no answer to that.. My youngest grandson, the one we got back from the state last October is having some hard times with coping. He would visit grandma often in her room, until I told him he wasn't allowed, it was just to hard to see her at the end, he never understood why she never answered him.. anyway.. he is always asking me if I am going to die... constant.. I try to be patient.. I can't lie and say no.. I have to tell him I am not planning on it.. but we don't know what will happen... that I hope to see him much older.. Then yesterday he looked at me and his Aunt (my oldest) and said.. "grandma.. I wish I was God" I smiled at my 6 year old grandson.. and with honest eyes he told me "cause I could bring JaBoa back and everything would be ok" Wow... kinda smacked me... It was that accident that changed everything for everybody including my mother... losing people we love is so very hard on us.. I think about some of the posts I have read about not being able to talk about our loved ones.. I plain don't care if somebody doesn't want to hear it... I remember my first Christmas without JaBoa.. and I left the room to cry a bit.. I went to the family party.. and I had to take a break.. only for somebody telling me not to cry.. it makes them sad.. and I said tough... I will just go home then.. I lost my granddaughter and you want to complain you will get sad if I cry... Even now.. one of my brother in laws... yelled at me cause my mother died and he didn't get to the funeral.. and I yelled at him and told him to shut up... if he could have gotten out of his bottle he might have came.. and not to dare tell me how sad you are cause I didn't get you to the funeral.. I hold up in the house a lot.. get groceries when I have to.. and stay away from people. I know I have to get a job, we will be hurting soon.. I just don't know how to do this anymore... HOw I wish I could tell you all something to ease your day... but I guess even as miserable as I am now.. I know it will get easier.. I will learn to once again... I have to find the new me again... with each loss.. we change.. . I just don't know what I will change into this time... I am trying.. love and peace to you all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 Leah....good to hear from you....and we all knew that you were in deep mourning for your Mom....no matter how old we get...we all miss 'that Mama' when she no longer walks on this earth home.... I don't know why you are having guilt issues...that is like taking a whip to yourself and dealing with grief...it can only make you sick in mind, body and spirit.... Hospice will not come into a situation if it is too early....I can assure you of that....they will assess the patient..and if it is too early...they will not be there. I don't think you left any stone unturned....in the care and love you gave your Mom...Family dynamics always seem to come to the top when there is grief and mourning...I wish it was different...but that seems to be the norm....but you are wise to 'cocoon'....I think we find our way of healing and what path we will take when we can be alone to sort out all the hurt and pain that comes with losing a loved one. I miss my Mama every....every day....the missing part never goes away. I don't think it should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 I think when one loses a child....we become more aware of how those small things were really the big things...I know for me...the shock suit does not fit as tight anymore...and portals open up to some trivial...small memories...that I can remember now.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted August 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 Susan, I so agree with the last screenshot...am having a hard time with the "ordinary" moments... Leah, good to see your post. What a beautiful thing for your six year old grandson to say...sometimes the most profound wisdom comes from the mouths of babes... Kate...thinking of you too... Gretchen...you are in my thoughts today. Dianne, thanks for sharing too... Laura, congratulations on the new grandbaby and saying prayers of healing for your son... Dee, wow, you guys are already back in school??? What grade and subjects are you going to teach this year? ***************************************************** Yesterday was a hard day for my husband. Next week is another pre-trial date...it was going to be in a smaller room so he was afraid of being to close to the woman who ran Jesse over...had to make arrangements today to give us some "space" during the court session...Next month will be the 2 day trial date...No matter what the outcome though Jesse is not here as he once was....and this is the life we have now. So hard to accept...though I think it will be only an "acknowledgement" of it...People have come to him and asked him how he is moving "forward" -- in truth, we have learned we just manage everything about grief perhaps a bit better. The mask fits tighter so others will not see our discomfort and run away...we learn to hide better on those "off" days...and identify who cannot "hear" or "see" our pain, to reach a point of healing...it still seems like a very elusive thing for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted August 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2015 Hello all,So sorry for the new people on this site, but you have come to the right place. I started coloring. I know that sounds weird, but coloring seems to be a bit therapeutic for me.I could not have colored in the first years after Brian's death, but now I can.I use sharpie fine-tip markers. The coloring book was purchased from a book-gift store.Hang in there newer-to-this-journey friends. The pain subsides, but the missing never does. I have learned some great coping skills that work most of the time. "Turning the channel in my brain" works good for me. I do not tell myself that I cannot cry. I just see if I can stop the thoughts that are making me want to cry. I used that many times this weekend. Colleen, Brian's Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Colleen, love that you are coloring, it can be very theraputic, the colors you chose are gorgeous. I think it was Kathy-Summer Girl, who said her Daughter Jessie used to color when she went to her Mom's home, and that it was theraputic. Laurie, I wish you and your Husband some kind of sense of doing what is best, after these next court times. Jesse is walking alongside you.We don't have students until the 31st this year, but until then, have to unpack all of our stuff and set it up. Leah, it is important to acknowledge your grief, let it flow, but you have so little time to do that. I am sorry that you feel so unorganized about school. You will get it together. I love what Susan reminds you of...hospice would not come in if it were not time to do just that. Mom is out of pain adn no longer bounded by her illnesses. She is with JaBoa. I hope that you can let go of that guilt, Mom would have you let it go if she could, JaBoa would surely have you give it over to the wind. Remember life is for the living and in it, we can stand and shine the light of our loved ones. What bright beams we can cast for all those in our circle who need it most. That little guy needs the light. When kids ask me about death, I say that we all were born and one day we die, but we don't know when. It usually comes when folks are very old, but sometimes sooner, like JaBoa,, like Erica, but mostly not. Grandmom was old, it was time for her and now she can love us all from above. There are many good books like: The next best place, that simply through beautiful illustrations and word explains that there is another place and it will be beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Colleen.....I do believe that when our hands are busy....our minds open up...like opening a window and letting a breeze come in and wipe out some bad air.... Laurie....I can imagine the stress and tense days leading up to a court date...a Mother wants to heal....a Dad wants to fix....whatever is wrong....in this we had no choice...and we are blinded by the grief in how to heal or fix...so we all feel so helpless...we know how to deal with everyday problems...but this kind of grief is life changing...I think at this 3 year mark we do want to heal...we are so exhausted by this heavy grief...it is elusive.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted August 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Well, it is good to see that some things don't change! I logged on and it froze as per usual. Typical me. I have been reading on and off all summer, but was not able to post. I have had health issues to deal with but wanted to say that I am thinking of everyone each and every day. I know how difficult this journey is that we are on. I am happy to report that Ross is now in remission and enjoying the days as they come. He still tries very easily and requires regular naps but for now...all is good. I also spent some time in the hospital for tests and the ER on four occasions over the past few months. Thank heaven, all appears to be under control thanks to the dedication and determination of an old fashioned family country Doc. Our summer was a very pleasant one... albeit different from the norm. The weather was cooler than usual with days here and there that were quite hot. The nights cooled down to pleasant temps and the foliage is thriving. It is hard to believe that fall is just round the corner. The geese are beginning to gather and the leaves are showing a slightly more pale shade of green. Definite signs of a change of season upon us. I had the opportunity to spend many lazy days resting in our screened sunroom and enjoying the summer weather. As I watched the buzzing around of the insects and animals it gave me time to reflect on Jeff. How I wondered what it was like for him to be dead. How beautiful the wonders of nature are for all of us to enjoy. Is this but a sample of what he is experiencing? If so...then how wonderful and I no longer feel sadness for him as I did at the beginning of our loss. I have learned patience throughout this ordeal. I know that I will see him again. That gives me a great deal of comfort. I also am able to laugh and enjoy the everyday things in life. It took some time to find my ground, but it eventually happened. But not without many setbacks. For this is not a journey for the weak of heart. We learn to turn into ourselves and find all of or strengths and weaknesses...no matter how much we may like it or not. Losing my son forced me to evaluate all that my life was about and what really mattered. I am thinking of everyone and sending "Thanks" for your kind wishes and for thinking of me. I hope to be able to post more frequently again. Love to all, Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Kate...good to 'hear' from you and to find out your health issues are under control...also....for sharing your grief journey....and your message of hope and restoration for all of us....easy to read...hard to conceive...depending on what part of the grief journey a parent is on.... I have been reading about NDE 's...and they all tell about the vivid and vibrant colors...the music...and that our vocabulary doesn't have words to describe how beautiful...and one day I was looking around at Mother Nature...wondering if we are living in this earth home that resembles...heaven.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted August 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 Kate, look forward to your posts. I am glad you were able to get your health issues addressed. Thinking of you and Ross, and it is nice to hear from you both. Colleen, thanks for sharing your idea with coloring...I agree that these kinds of tasks can keep one focused....my sister-in-law does needle work...I am not that talented mine -- just looks like a bunch of child knots =) Dee, I feel with the trial soon to be over, that it will close down one phase of this...am not sure what I will feel like afterwards or my husband... Becky, wondering how you have been?? Thinking of all and sending gentle thoughts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Susie_q512 Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Hi guys! It's been so very long since I last signed in and participated, but have never forgotten the kindness shown to me here in the first year of this journey. Life completely collapsed. I'm approaching four yrs, and I guess I had imagined that I'd be on solid ground by now, but way too many major life changes and subsequent losses.....the struggle has been real, but I'm still here....still got that pulse I always complained about following Shannon's passing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Susan from Susan....of course...I remember that shining face...from a long time ago..no....we...us...they...them...all of us...will never forget.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Everly Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Susan, so good to see you again, with that shining face of your Daughter...I remember you and your Girl, sketchy on other things though, do you have another Daughter? Is she Rachel? Or am I way off and blending stories? Either way, I am sorry that there has been more losses in your world, so sorry for that, it seems that many of us have that in common. Tell us about what's been up. Evelyn, do you have anyone near to you that understands your grief? I am glad that you are comfortable here but I am hoping that you have a friend or family member that can share in it with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Houdiniwho Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 In honor of my son Jordan, I am planning a few trips, using his sky miles and my own to do so. Well, last night I booked a one way trip to Europe at the end of October (to be there for my birthday November 3rd. I was unable to find a decent return city using Delta, but American did have plenty of cities to return from. I find it kind of funny that I haven't booked the return yet...thinking maybe it was Jordan telling me to stay...I will be bringing some of his ashes and spreading a little bit of him in whatever countries I choose to visit. wishing you all a peaceful Saturday and hoping your spirit loved ones wipe the tears from your eyes. Paula Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Susan....I agree with Dee....many are faced with different layers of grief...and many difficult situations and changing circumstances....you would think the world would give us a break. I am in my 3rd year on the grief journey...and I am trying to find a place between grief and grace where I can find a balance... I think many of us are still in the 'surviving' level....instead of the 'thriving' level....and that is normal...we all have to be somewhat kinder, gentler and forgiving of ourselves when it comes to learning how to navigate this abnormal life without our child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Paula...it is so kind of you to share your sacred journey with us....taking your Jordan and giving him a resting place all over Mother Earth... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Evelyn.....I remember reading one of your postings....and it put me back in the place I was in when I lost my little Mama...the 'Light' in our lives went out on our Mother Earth....I was devastated..even though I knew it was coming...it was frightening for me to not have her...she had always...always been there...there I was 49 years old and I felt like I was 5. I was then so keenly aware of my Daddy's vulnerability...and in an instant....he needed me....he needed me to be the adult in the room...in a second..my role changed...it was as if he was the child...and I was the parent. My Daddy's favorite saying was...'Me, Mama and Susie had Bubu and Becky'.....I was an only child til I was 10...we were a 'threesome'...partners...it is hard to explain. I had my Daddy, husband, sister, brother, my 6 children and 3 grandchildren when she died....lots of family and friends...and still....I felt like an orphan...or someone all alone. I can empathize with you...and know the dark and heavy grief when one loses that Mama. If you find a word or words on this site to comfort you...that is a blessing to all of us...grief is grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted August 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2015 Evelyn----It is so understandable that you have so much grief forthe recent loss of your dear mother. It is so hard losing a parent.My dear dad died a long time ago, and I still miss him. Sendingthoughts your way. Peace to you. Kate---Good to see your post. Am glad to hear that your husbandis in remission. Yes----the changes of the seasons are upon us.I notice the changes by hearing crickets during the afternoon,cooler mornings and evenings, and the subtle changes in colorsof the greenery all around. Corn is getting browner down at thebottom by the roots.....noticing the scarcity of robins....( haven'tseen one for a few weeks now). Sunflower heads are hanging down heavily with seeds. I do like the fall, but something insideme seems to always be somewhat apprehensive. Guess its becauseof knowing of the coming winter weather. Glad that you & husbandare enjoying the nice weather. Colleen----thanks for posting the beautiful coloring that you did.It is just so exquisite....like a stained glass piece. Just lovely! I sometimes color with the grandies, and we all finish and showeach other our efforts. Leah----The old guilt thing haunts us, doesn't it? As Dee said....thoseat Hospice seem to know when it is time. My mother is also in hospicenow. Your dear mom is free of her illness and disabilities now....freefrom pain, but your pain and grief is with you, of course. I guess thatsometimes, the words of others just cannot help.....I'm sorry. Sendingthoughts & prayers to you and your whole family. Laural----Thanks for the pic of the darling little babe. Babies have a wayof lifting the spirits of everyone. She looks so sweet. Dee----Sorry that the school garden has had some rain damage...ours too.But, we have lots of tomatoes, and the second round of peppers will becoming on soon. Not too sure what we will find in the way of a yield withthe potatoes.....who knows? We'll soon find out when we dig them. I got'cornered' by a call from an aunt regarding a family reunion tomorrow. I have notgone to it for years.....(since Davey's death.) Hate to say so,....but I justdon't have an interest in it anymore, for some reason. Aunt is persistent....she'll be calling to say she missed me, and asking why I didn't come to it. Houdiniwho----May you have a wonderful time in all your travels. WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted August 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 23, 2015 Paula, I love that you have a one way ticket...leaves all sorts of doors open to the possibilities. Somehow, there is that sense of 'let's see where this road takes me," after we lose a precious one. For many, it is a way to say that I will try to live in the moment rather than project forward, to enjoy this time, listen to this sound, follow the instincts. I wish you a wonderful trip. Gretchen, are you still traveling? Sherry, I don't think that I knew that your Mom receives hospice. Is she in a weakened state?Second round of peppers? Wow, we are just starting to see some forming at the school garden and all of a sudden there is a cucumber, so that is nice, it is just a lot less than last year. Our weather has been so picture perfect the last several days...goodness, breezy and cooler. Love it. The cicadas, crickets, and maybe tree frogs???sing all day and night, it is the music that I fully love falling asleep to, and waking to. I know what you mean about autumn, and while I do love winter, I miss the sunlight very much. I have a list of my students, there are 22 kids so far. One was added today. Baby Boy's birthday party is tomorrow, what a dolly he is. Two photos, one of Michael waving, the other of Erica gazing upward to the big kids playing atop the choo-choo at the park. Kate, it is very good to know that you are fine now. I am sorry though for the several times to the hospital kind of summer for you. I wish you and Ross a healthy and beautiful autumn, many walks to the bench, bird song and blue skies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted August 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 23, 2015 Susan, how nice to her from you! I always love seeing that picture of your sweetie! I am happy to hear you are doing OK. Sherry, thank you for your kind thoughts. It too is showing signs of fall approaching up here. We still have robins in our yard, but they are not as visible as they were a few weeks ago. The wildflowers are changing again. Imagine a summer without them? What an endless monotony of brown and grey and green. However, instead of that boring scene we are treated to yellow's, oranges, pinks, whites and purples...a colourful patchwork that changes throughout the summer. I have always loved sunflowers. They are such a cheerful flower that are delightful to see as we drive through the countryside. We attempted to grow some vegies this summer, but for whatever reason... as lush as the plants were.... they did not produce much in the way of tomatoes, etc. The nights were quite cool and they don't really like that kind of temperature. It is a riot to watch our resident chippie frantically scurryng round the yard with his cheeks stuffed to the point of bursting with acorns. They are now starting to advertise the fall suppers in the area at the local community halls and churches. We have an apple tree that produced a ton of fruit this year. Ross definitely is on the mend as he requested an apple pie. Looks like I have my work cut out for me. Dee, those cuties are adorable! My how they are growing. Enjoy the party today. I am thinking of everyone today....those that are new to this journey... and those that are further along. Wishing you all some degree of peace on this Sunday afternoon. Love to all, Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted August 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted August 23, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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