Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

I have loved this song from it's original time, but after Erz died, it became even more so, and with so many new here, I do believe this song may resonate with you.This song speaks to me in that I do believe that the Angels we so love, went home.

 

https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play?p=lyrics+and+youtube+for+solsbury+hill+lyrics&vid=c2c6e7c6f00bf2d4ce6a81f383c143fb&l=4%3A12&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DVN.607987083966219360%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DGimLuOUVkxg&tit=Peter+Gabriel+Solsbury+Hill+Best+Quality+in+HD+with+Lyrics&c=5&sigr=11bkiurep&sigt=11q5msg70&back=https%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fyhs%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dlyrics%2Band%2Byoutube%2Bfor%2Bsolsbury%2Bhill%2Blyrics%26ei%3DUTF-8%26hsimp%3Dyhs-001%26hspart%3Dmozilla&sigb=13n7h00dp&ct=p&age=0&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av%2Cm%3Asa&hsimp=yhs-001&hspart=mozilla&tt=b

[TearsInHeaven]

I'm new here. I stumbled upon this forum last week. My son Matthew passed away on November 28. He had just turned 29. I don't know if this is the place to share our story. It is a long one. But I know this is where I can safely tell someone I am lost, afraid, and can't imagine going on without him in my life. This place seems special, thank you.

 

Hello Eileen,

I also am pretty new here.  You see my adult son also left us on 11/28/14.  This nightmare is so raw and brutal and we are certainly feeling, thinking, and not thinking so many of the same things.  I also found this site by accident and glad that I did.  Mostly I have read what others have written.I am too new to this horrible tragedy to offer any advice what so ever except to be able to tell you I truly understand your pain.  Our  sons were close in age. At this point we don't even know how, yet alone, why he died.  Respiratory arrest just doesn't quite fill in the blanks and the wonderful medical examiners office says well they have to wait for all of the tests.  There are outstanding tissue samples and all sorts of things.  His memorial is this Saturday and I am so frightened.  Every time I think I can actually talk without crying--well-- surprise not yet.  He is my first and my last thought always.  I find I am resentful of someone sending a Christmas card.  I actually had a cousin say in her card"  well hope you are better".

 

I read your story above and it is so heartbreaking.   He was your son and you loved him with all your heart.  I am sure the both of us have in the last 23 days said why didn't God take me instead?  I have no answer for that but we are here and the people here have been so heart rendering that for a moment or two you will be safe.   

[Mermaid Tears]

Grief and Christmas is not for sissies....

   Please give yourself a hug....and hang on with both hands...

One does not need to post a message....just read...and breathe...

   there just isn't a magic pill to swallow....and there is a memory in every corner...

[Mermaid Tears]

thank you, Dee, for that song on this Sunday...I needed that...

[Mermaid Tears]

somebody let Modkonnie know the crap that is being posted on our grief sites....

all they are ....creeps.....

[ericasmom]

Susan, what is being posted, I am not seeing it. I have been away all day for my family Christmas at my Sister's home. Was there stupid stuff again?

Susan, glad that Solsbury Hill touched you too.

 

Becky, lovely photo and message, thank you Dear. How are you feeling today?

 

Tears in Heaven I do so hope that the Memorial will be a beautiful way to gather in your Son's honor and light.

 

We have had no sunshine in the Chicagoland area for about 14 days now, just thick clouds and gray skies. Tomorrow more of that. Oh well, as long as I can get outside for a walk I am happy.

 

Sleep with deep lovely dreams Everyone

 

[Steve s mom]

Take Away

Insted of christmas gifts for me come take some things away.

Theres so much here. that I dont want

so please dont give ....just take

Take away my knowledge of funerals,and urns and graves

And take away the guilt I have ,for not being with him to save.

Take away these inward screams,that resonate his death

And take away my begging to give him back his breath.

Take away this heartache that leaves me living in pain

and take away all the years, after this sadness came.

Take away this loneliness

that stays throughout the year

and take away this horror,that just wont disappear

take away the empty space ,he no longer occupies

and take away these tears of mine ,that forever fill my eyes

take away the silence that reminds me that hes gone

and take away my wondering how things could be so wrong

take away my questions why....that cause neverending grief

and take away my doubting, that has shattered my beliefs

take away most anything especially his untimely death

please dont take away my memories ,there all that I have left.

 

by Christine Ross 2006 .

[Steve s mom]

sorry forgot to attach

[Jeff's Mom]

deleted

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

this is being posted on many sites....

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Good morning everyone. I've been reading. Just no energy to post much right now.

 

To those who are newer... My heart breaks with yours. I'm so sorry for your losses. I hate to see new people join this group but at the same time... I'm glad that you found your way here. This is a good place, full of love, compassion, and understanding. I lost my daughter, Trista, on June 1, 2013. She was 17 years old. I found this place just weeks after and the people here and the ways we all reach out to each other, is what has helped me survive this. 

 

Things have been. busy, getting ready for the holidays with my boys. A five year old at Christmas... Magical. This is so hard. The memories of holidays with Trista are everywhere. I am so grateful for all the memories. Maryann's poem is so true. It's not the memories that hurt so much. It's the knowledge that there will be no more, the missing, the absence, that hurts so so much. The memories are what keep me going. I think of Trista as a child at Christmastime and it was always so magical for her. She loved loved loved the holidays as most kids do. My Tris found a way to make everything so exciting. She almost had me believing in Santa Claus at times. I look at Aiden and I want to make things just the same for him. I don't want him to miss out on those memories. I hope it's ok but I'd like to share a memory of Trista at Christmastime and ask if anyone else would like to share some memories between now and Christmas... If it's helpful for you. I love to talk about my girl and love also to read about the other Angels here and get to know them through the stories. 

 

A memory that has been in my mind lately, given that we are getting closer and closer to Christmas is from when Tris was just a little girl. When she was young we lived next door to my grandparents. They were a huge part of her life. My grandpa loved to make Trista smile. They had this huge bond. They each thought the other hung the moon. 

 

A week or two before Christmas my grandpa would start picking up little treats and surprises for Trista and later for Zak as he got bigger. I would give Tris her bath and we'd sit down in front of the tree to read Christmas stories. I'd sneak in a call to my grandpa to let him know she was ready. Pretty soon would come the sound of bells outside our window followed by a knock on the door and a Ho Ho Ho. Tris would run to the door to find a treat... A chocolate Santa or a Christmas coloring book and a new box of crayons. She'd run inside to look at her gift. There would usually be note from Santa telling her he knew how good she'd been and to keep it up. Then she would always run back outside, in her nightgown, barefoot, long blond hair blowing behind her... She'd stand on the step looking up at the sky for some sign of Santa's sleigh... And yell as loud as she could, "Thank you, Santa Claus!!" 

 

Now I stand outside in the cold... looking up at the sky for any sign of her... And quietly say, "Thank you, Trista Mae, for blessing my life so richly with your presence in the almost 18 years that we had." 

 

I miss you, Beautiful Girl. I will hold you forever in my heart but my arms will ache until I hold you again. 

 

Trista Mae 5 years old and Zakery 2 years old

[Mermaid Tears]

Have to run errands....Shannon.....love...love...love the Trista Christmas story.....yes...I think all parents have an audience here that would love to share their child's stories....I certainly want to share and hear all that I can....

 

Kate....this has been an ongoing problem with your family wanting to 'shut you up and out'.....you talk all you want about your Jeff....my John David is definitely STILL  a part of our family.....whether he is here or there....

 

more later.....

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I too love the story of your Grandparents and Trista's treats. What a joy and what a good life she led. She smiles her golden smile upon you all loving you through each day.

 

Two photos here, many of you have seen them before...Eri as a teen in front of our tree. That Christmas morning we noticed the house was colder than it should have been, it was bitterly cold that winter...The furnace died out. Good thing the kids got new slippers robes and Jammas.

The other photo from much earlier in Eri's little world, she was 4 or so and had a Campbells Soup Girl haircut, (next to girl with amazing blond hair) she was an Angel at our Church Christmas Eve.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thinking of all that are new to this journey...I too agree with Shannon, that this circle of parents has been such a big part working through this all...I don't know where I would be and I so appreciate everyone here and their kindness...

 

Kate, I had the same thoughts and feelings...some of my friends just left. Since my mom and dad had my sister, Julie, pass away young, they already knew how hard it would be....but others, they don't want to know how horrible it can be and do not have the patience to let someone be sad....I have accepted that I am different from others now....for there is no going back to what was...and I guess after this being my second child loss, I just don't care to pretend for someone else's sake. So if someone is okay with me being the bereaved mom, they have stayed in my life. What I have found that often the stronger a person's belief system in the afterlife, and that they realize a person continues on without their physical body and the continuity of life, that those individuals are much more comfortable with hearing and recognizing deceased loved ones. Perhaps it is a maturity issue as well...

 

What I find to be rather ironic in my life, is that some of the biggest church attenders and professors of faith -- singing Amazing Grace loud and clear -- were some of the first ones to hit the "exit door" when they realized that this type of grief doesn't just disappear. I wonder if they will ever figure out how they will actually meet the God they sing and pray to? At least this is what is true for in my life...just wonder at the satire of it all...

 

Just my thoughts wandering on this a bit and what I have found to be true. I now seek those who have a stronger understanding that life continues on.

 

**************************************************************

 

Shannon, thank you for sharing about Trista and the story of her grandfather. I don't have as much of a story as to say that what I miss the most are the everyday moments that were shared during the holidays...

 

I am attaching a photo of Jesse from Christmas Day, 2005. In the photo is our dog Lily who passed away about 11 months before Jesse.  How rich my life was...

 

[daveydow1]

Yikes am I ever behind with the posts  . Have been busy, like everyone else;

and having dental problems.  Will try to catch up a bit now.

 

 

Laurie----

As you say....there's no going back to those days before we lost our

dear children....not possible.  I, too, have had friends who have just 'drifted'

out of my life.  Those who have not lost a child simply cannot understand the

depth of grief that one goes into when this dreaded event happens.  Others soon

seem to lose patience, and become bored with grieving parents.  Not all others,

of course, but there will always be some.  It bothered me at first, but I soon learned

to accept it as a fact of life.  Grieving is hard work....and as you say....we cannot

worry about how other people may or may not understand.  Thanks for that

dear pic of Jesse with Lily.

 

Dee-----Thanks for the sweet pics of ERi  as a teen and as a little girl angel.

These pics we keep so close to our hearts are the treasures that we cherish,

and that help to sustain us.  Time IS an abstract thing after the loss of a child.

We simply don't see it as we once did. How is your dental work coming along?

I'm eating lots of soup and jello!  (had a tooth pulled recently).  Thanks for the song.

 

Eileen----I'm sorry for your recent loss of your dear son, Matthew.  You have come

to a good place. You've expressed the feelings that we all have had when we

found this site.....feelings of being lost and afraid, and feeling like a shell.  Please come back to BI  (formerly

called Beyond Indigo)  and read/post as you feel you want to.  Everyone is welcome

to this site....even though it is understood that it is a place where no parent ever wants

to be. Sharing one's heartache can often be eased when you know that others understand.

 Thank you for sharing Matthew's story.   Peace & comfort to you.

 

Shannon---Good to see your post.  I've been off BI for a little while.  Thank you for the

delightful story of Trista and Christmas with her grandfather and all the family.  So very

touching.  The memories are golden.....and always with us, ...just like our dear children.

 

Stevesmom----thanks for the poems.

 

Susan----I did not catch any of the stupid stuff that came across BI.  Don't these creeps

have anything better to do than pester us??  Hope it stops.

 

Kate----Thank you for the poem.  Have you gotten any snow up there?  We have had only

the tiniest bit of snow in Dec.  Might not be a white Christmas here. 

 

WISHING   EACH   AND  EVERYONE   A  PEACEFUL     CHRISTMAS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

 

  

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I hope that the tooth pulled area does not hurt much. I had the stitches out today after the surgery two or so weeks ago. Now we wait to grow some bone for the implant. It is not fun but it is one way to try to stay healthier in the future.

How is your Mom doing? How are the grand-kids? Are you and Denny having a big Christmas dinner?

 

Laurie, the photo you posted is wonderful, that beautiful smile on Jesse, may the richness of those times fill you as best they can. How are your parents these days?

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Eileen (Matthew's mom), Francesca (Mike's mom), Marsha and Georgina, the first Christmas I barely remember. It was really a blur. I think at that time I was still sleeping upright in my overstuffed chair in the living room due to shock, and it was enough just to get through the day. I did drink a lot of smoothies at the time as it was something easy on the stomach.

 

Dee, thanks for sharing the lovely photos of Erica. I have never seen either one before. Jesse was the shepherd in one of our church plays...my mom and her sister are having a time of it processing the deaths of the other three siblings (my Uncle Dave, Aunt Lucie and Uncle Joe)...may be I will have to take a trip down, don't know..

 

Mary Ann, thank you for sharing the poem. I reposted it in the poetry thread I keep adding to...

 

Sherry, I appreciate your thoughts. It helps to re-affirm what so many of us have/are experiencing. Hope your tooth heals soon. Mine was about 4 weeks before I could chew somewhat. even then I had to be careful.

 

Becky, thank you for the picture of Jared....prayers for your continued strength....

 

Susan, the screen prints I find so useful in processing some of what I feel...thank you for posting them and sharing what you do....

 

Gretchen, the writing you put out the other day truly spoke to my heart.

"why the sudden crack? this overwhelming grief. i loved you so ferociously, i feel the gaping hole you left in the family unraveling. maybe it is the season."

 

 

....i loved you so ferociously....

 

 

 

May your dreams be gentle tonight...

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Dee, 

I love the pictures you shared of Erica. I've not seen either of those before. I love the pose in front of the tree. It made me smile. 

 

Laurie, 

Thank you for sharing the picture of Jesse and Lily. I agree with Dee. I love Jesse's smile. It is the everyday things that are missed so much. I also don't remember much of that first Christmas. 

 

Sherry,

I hope you feel better soon. Tooth troubles are awful. Yes, the memories are golden. I sometimes worry that I will forget. I know I won't but since it's all I have... I have that fear. 

 

Susan, 

 

I also want to thank you for all you share. 

 

Becky,

I love the picture of Jared and the saying you posted.

 

Thinking of everyone this evening. I'm trying to get some gifts wrapped. Time is getting away from me and today was just a really bad day. Tears all day, tired, anxious, no motivation... a good day to have gone back to bed and stayed there. I got done what I could, which wasn't much. 

 

 

I'm attaching a picture of Trista and Aiden that last Christmas...

 

 

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

I finally finished most of my wrapping. I got out the bag that had the stocking stuffers in it that I bought a couple of weeks ago. I realized I had bought four of everything when I only have three stockings to stuff this year. I'm so over this day.

[Sistergldnhair66]

Thank you all so much, Mike's Mom, Mermaid Tears, Kate...and all of the others I can't even remember (will I ever keep it straight?). Your words reached me. I read, over and over and over, somehow they gave me the ok to feel what I am feeling.  

 

With Christmas just two short days away...I am still in a fog.  I managed to get done what I could. Trudged through it..cause this is what I do.  Somehow I know that it will come crashing down on me sooner or later, and that scares me.  I'm always have to put it away, something to do...not a good time to cry...so I have a perpetual lump in my throat.  I just returned from Pennsylvania where I go to my boyfriends house every weekend.  We've been together for 4 years, he was my high school sweetheart.  We found each other after 20 someodd years, after my divorce.  Anyway, I thought it was my safe place, but this weekend, as I sat with tears running down my face, he tried to make me laugh.  I'm not looking for laughter, not looking for cheering up...it's beyond that. He said it's my job to not let you wallow, and be sad. I need to make you happy.  I just got deflated. I need to be sad right now. I want to be sad, it's all I can be. I've not spoken to many friends, they are busy with their Christmas preparations, and I can't listen to the banter. I sound so bitter, but it's zapping all of my energy to just get through each day.  It's how I wake up each morning, just say Ok, what am I going to do today to make this day go quicker and it will be over with.  And now, the house is dark, everyone's asleep, and it is now finally my turn, alone here with my thoughts to reflect.  And it comes down like a hammer on my head.  

 

There's only one person I feel safe with, with my feelings, and that's my sister. The one Matthew lived with, because she was with me since the beginning of Matthew's being. My being a single, pregnant 18 year old, and she and my parent's helped me with Matthew. He always held a special place in her heart.  I feel she and I were the only ones who would look after Matthew. And even he, at 29, need looking after. He was so childlike.  The say in addiction, that the addicts spots maturing around the age they start using. Matthew was still like a teenager.  More so after his first overdose.  

 

I called the detective last week, and they are still investigating the circumstances surrounding his death.  We won't know the ultimate cause for weeks when the autopsy comes back but they have his phone, and are investigating the number last called on that fateful night. His friend John made the call. My nephew called it the next morning and the person didn't know who Matthew was.  

 

I also called the disability lawyer we had handling Matthew's SSDI case. I can continue the case on his behalf, we had come so far, but he said if it comes down to his death being an overdose, it might make things harder. But I feel like I have to try...for Matthew.  I had to scrounge money from everywhere to pay for his funeral. I didn't want just a  memorial service. I needed to have the funeral, I needed to see my boy one last time, I thought it would make it register..it didn't.  I still play the whole night in the hospital, and the whole services over and over in my head. 

 

I'm going to try to rest now.  Tears In Heaven, our boys are angels together...I hope you continue to come here. We are going through all of this on the same timeline. Hugs to all of you special people. Thank you for having a safe haven to come. 

 

[Sistergldnhair66]

Thank you all so much, Mike's Mom, Mermaid Tears, Kate...and all of the others I can't even remember (will I ever keep it straight?). Your words reached me. I read, over and over and over, somehow they gave me the ok to feel what I am feeling.  

 

With Christmas just two short days away...I am still in a fog.  I managed to get done what I could. Trudged through it..cause this is what I do.  Somehow I know that it will come crashing down on me sooner or later, and that scares me.  I'm always have to put it away, something to do...not a good time to cry...so I have a perpetual lump in my throat.  I just returned from Pennsylvania where I go to my boyfriends house every weekend.  We've been together for 4 years, he was my high school sweetheart.  We found each other after 20 someodd years, after my divorce.  Anyway, I thought it was my safe place, but this weekend, as I sat with tears running down my face, he tried to make me laugh.  I'm not looking for laughter, not looking for cheering up...it's beyond that. He said it's my job to not let you wallow, and be sad. I need to make you happy.  I just got deflated. I need to be sad right now. I want to be sad, it's all I can be. I've not spoken to many friends, they are busy with their Christmas preparations, and I can't listen to the banter. I sound so bitter, but it's zapping all of my energy to just get through each day.  It's how I wake up each morning, just say Ok, what am I going to do today to make this day go quicker and it will be over with.  And now, the house is dark, everyone's asleep, and it is now finally my turn, alone here with my thoughts to reflect.  And it comes down like a hammer on my head.  

 

There's only one person I feel safe with, with my feelings, and that's my sister. The one Matthew lived with, because she was with me since the beginning of Matthew's being. My being a single, pregnant 18 year old, and she and my parent's helped me with Matthew. He always held a special place in her heart.  I feel she and I were the only ones who would look after Matthew. And even he, at 29, need looking after. He was so childlike.  The say in addiction, that the addicts spots maturing around the age they start using. Matthew was still like a teenager.  More so after his first overdose.  

 

I called the detective last week, and they are still investigating the circumstances surrounding his death.  We won't know the ultimate cause for weeks when the autopsy comes back but they have his phone, and are investigating the number last called on that fateful night. His friend John made the call. My nephew called it the next morning and the person didn't know who Matthew was.  

 

I also called the disability lawyer we had handling Matthew's SSDI case. I can continue the case on his behalf, we had come so far, but he said if it comes down to his death being an overdose, it might make things harder. But I feel like I have to try...for Matthew.  I had to scrounge money from everywhere to pay for his funeral. I didn't want just a  memorial service. I needed to have the funeral, I needed to see my boy one last time, I thought it would make it register..it didn't.  I still play the whole night in the hospital, and the whole services over and over in my head. 

 

I'm going to try to rest now.  Tears In Heaven, our boys are angels together...I hope you continue to come here. We are going through all of this on the same timeline. Hugs to all of you special people. Thank you for having a safe haven to come. 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....love those photos....I haven't seen those before....

  sometimes it seems as if all our children are 'known'....it opened a portal...and I remembered all the Christmas programs at school and church....I had forgotten....

 

and to the 'new' parents on this site....

  the 'shock suit' will fit real tight the first couple of years....and that is a blessing...because if all the memories came at once...the impact would cause one to have an emotional breakdown....

    for now....please do not ask too much of yourself.....I realized at one point that I was 'second guessing' myself on every thing.....

   for there are just too many questions in a grieving parent's heart....

So thankful I was 'guided' to this site...and I found out I wasn't going crazy....I was just in deep mourning.

    You will find that you need your alone time and solace more....and many parents have children and families that need their care and attention....and one will feel stretched.....and some parents have lost that only child...

   there is no 'one size fits all'....but we can share some common ground in this kind of grief...

 

Laurie...I, too, see your SONshine boy's smile....

 

Shannon.....I see your girl 'shining through'....and we all know how you are using every bit of stamina and strength you have to give your boys all they deserve...and for them to have those 'memory maker moments'....

   you have had so much on your plate...and once again....I give you applause....

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Eileen, when Jeff died that first Christmas I was in a terrible state. The shock and numbness enveloped me. The very idea of any holiday seemed impossible. The second year we determined to try to pull ourselves back into doing a few things. Christmas was Jeff's favourite time of the year. We just could not allow ourselves to pretend that it was not happening. Traditions change...we slowly work towards a place where we can at least function in a reasonable way. But it never goes back to the way it was. All you can do is to go with each and every day as it presents itself. Some will be better than others. There are no shortcuts. Let the tears flow. It has to happen.

 

Dee, take care of yourself... and I certainly hope that this latest dental issue will not prevent you from enjoying a nice Christmas dinner.

 

Sherry, we have very little snow. Just enough to make it look like Christmas. Our weather is about to change on Boxing Day. For now I am grateful for each day as it is a huge bonus for us.

 

Susan, I agree that it is an ongoing situation. I gave myself a good talking too and pulled myself out of it. An elderly lady friend of ours once told me that "It is what it is." Is she ever right. I could waste a lifetime wishing for others to respond in a different way. It is up to them. I sit here this afternoon sipping a lovely hot spiced Christmas tea and enjoying some shortbread. I just finished preparing a traditional French Tourtiere for Christmas Eve. Goodness, it is a ton of work, but as Jeff used to say... It's soooooo worth it!"

 

I will be thinking of all of you over the next several days.  Love to all, Kate

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Kate, no the mouth is much better than it was so I am good. Just got in from the first sunny walk in three weeks...we have had thick clouds for so long now, today however broke the mold. HOORAY! It is odd though, 48 degrees in Chicago on December 23rd? Oh well, a 4 mile walk felt really good soaking in the light from both the sun and our Angels.

 

Maryanne, the poem you posted is beautiful and so truthfully spoken. Thank you.

 

Shannon, I love the reindeer antlers on Trista, she definitely dressed the part. I know your heart is full and yet broken all at once, know that this state of living and grieving are a balancing act and I applaud the balance you are seeking for the boys and for yourself. They look to you for strength but also to know that tears are okay, that sadness is real and can be displayed. Oh if more men knew this we would have a more peaceful world.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Thank you, Susan and Dee. Last night I sort of broke. I've stayed so busy, stayed focused on what I needed to do for the boys and last night I just cracked. Today is a better day. Aiden and I are baking gingerbread. There will be a lot to keep me busy. I think I just needed to let myself break down a little last night. Dee, I do try to let my boys know it's ok to show their sadness.

To everyone, no matter where we are or what we choose to do for the holidays I just want you to know my thoughts are with you and I'm sending prayers for as much peace and comfort as possible. I am sending prayers that the memories of our Angels will fill our hearts and spirits with love and comfort.

I will have candles lit for Trista and for all of our Children.

Kate, I was looking online at recipes and saw this picture of a Charlie Brown tree. thought of Jeff.

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

Eileen (Matthew's mom), Francesca (Mike's mom), Marsha and Georgina, the first Christmas I barely remember. It was really a blur. I think at that time I was still sleeping upright in my overstuffed chair in the living room due to shock, and it was enough just to get through the day. I did drink a lot of smoothies at the time as it was something easy on the stomach.

Thank you Laurie,

sounds about right, everything since he left it seems like a blurr.. I was told the other day by my husband that I didn't hardly talk to no one after my son was gone. I thought to myself, of course I talked, but I guess I was just functioning and not really there. I have opened up a little but I am selective... the few I tried to be honest with and tell them how bad I felt....those would try to compare with ... I heard loss of a 3 yrs bf, loss of my dad's death (I could not be there) and a few others. I even remember this girl I once worked with ...I totally now see what she was going through because she lost two of her 3 kids in a horrible car accident... it's like yes I have kids of my own and as parents we try to imagine what that person is going through but no matter how hard a person who has kids tries to understand....they can't do it... because no matter what all they have to do is ..pick up the phone ..call or even go somewhere where they are and they can touch, see, hug, kiss or even hear their kids voice, where for us all that can never be... thats why even IF you think because ppl have kids they get it, they can't ...

Believe me I DON'T want this for anyone of them or anyone else...none of us chose this as a part of our life yet it's here to stay ...we're left behind and they are somewhere in this Universe or in different one tucked away in Heaven... it's as if I know deep down inside he is ok because is not here on this earth and in pain no more ... but it's the missing my child in my life..everyday that breaks me down over and over again ...I miss him... <\3

I am eating and drinking water...just having issues with my eye lids...too much crying has now caused me to have them constantly puffy dry and irratated..eyes dr said its not my eyes just my eyelids ..he was kind enough to give me free drops since I don't have insurance. Maybe he had pitty when I broke down and had to explain how my eyes got this way ...

either way wishing you all a calm night...and may we all dream with our babies tonight...

[Suzie1228]

With Christmas just 2 days away and Brads birthday on the 28th I am just a mess. Just a little over 3 months ago we were all so happy and doing stuff together. I had already started my Christmas shopping for him and now all that is just over for me. I wish I could just go to sleep for a few days until all the holidays were over. It all most knocks me over to go to a store all decorated knowing my baby  is not going to be here with me this year or ever again. I found a little santa that he made for me when he was 5. I just don't know how to survive this and go on. I try to live for his memory and what he would want for me. I know everyone on here has gone through this pain and it is not unique to me. Blessings and prayers to everyone here because you  lost your precious children.

[ericasmom]

Suzie, it just is the hardest time you'll spend as you travel this first holiday season and birthday without your Son, Brad. I am sorry for what you are facing, I am sad that you must walk this road but you must...we are here and so we must and after a long while, you will find yourself finding your way, discovering ways to live your best life with Brad shining his light for you. Don't expect yourself to feel differently than you do right now, as Susan says, don't expect more than you feel that you can give. Your friends and family will just have to find ways to deal with this too, and right now, you need to just be. Sometimes we busy ourselves thinking we can get through a bit of time with something else taking our minds off the tragic circumstances of our Child leaving. Those things do help as long as you then allow those tears when they need to come. Grief will not be denied as our friend Colleen says.

We have to get through the many stages of grief, and not in a linear way but in our own way. The stages are real, but we often revisit several of them over the first few years. Do not feel you've failed when you need to fall to the floor crying, you haven't failed, you are heartbroken and the many pieces of your heart are scattered. One day you will fit one broken piece back into place, and then another. The rebuilding of your life takes time though, lots of time and care and patience. 

 

May you all rest deeply tonight-

[Suzie1228]

Thank you Ericasmom for you kind words. I can't seem to get any sleep and I was just knocked to the floor this morning with grief. I keep thinking, I am going to be fine, I am going to be fine, but I am not fine. You are right, I try to keep busy to take my mind off Brads death but today I can't think about anything but wanting to hold my dear son close to me and I don't know how to get through this.  One of my best friends  has only talked to me once since he passed away so I guess she wasn't my best friend after all and this is hurtful as well.

[Sistergldnhair66]

Suzie, I am finding the same with friends. I have 2 very close ones that I've barely spoken with since I lost Matthew. When I hear from one, its a lot of small talk of her kids and holiday things, but I've nothing to offer. Maybe they are giving me space? Maybe its not knowing what to say? I don't know. Right now its OK with me, as I'm fine not having to make small talk and having to avoid putting a voice behind my feelings. I can't say things out loud yet.

Hugs. Eileen

[shorty16]

Susie and Eileen,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear sons. You are so new and so raw, begging anyone to tell you this is a bad joke and really did not happen. Waiting for your dear boys to walk through the door and end this nightmare.

I was there. Begging with anyone, including the Lord, to take me instead. I could not live without my 16 year old son, Brian.

It has been 6.5 years without our Brian and I am here to tell you this terrible, horrible physical and emotional pain you fell now will not last forever. I know you find that hard to believe, I did too.

We have a new life without our sons and we do not want this new life. Figuring out how to survive, in the beginning, is One Breath At A Time. Literally!!

Please be kind to yourself and give grief it's time.

Love to you

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Colleen.....how we need the parents that have been on this grief journey for so long....

   to wave to us....and give us solace.....

 

 

to the new parents.....please do not put much time or effort in trying to figure out WHY your friends and family...(some) have not been there for you....

   I think back and now I know what this grief is like to lose a child....now...I would 'be there'....for other parents that had lost a child...but even I could not have ever imagined....this kind of dark and deep and bottomless pit of sorrow they were experiencing....I was ignorant.....never callous....

    I think they just don't know what to do...or what to say....it is one of those 'oh but for the Grace of God' situations....

 that is why I need this site every day....I am with 'kindred spirits' .....I am with those that walk in my shoes...

 

 

Kate....I had to look up what a French Tourtiere is.....wow...yummy....what kind of meat do you put in yours....there are many variations ....

[ericasmom]

Hi All.

I am about to embark on a walk in the wet and rainy day. I finished wrapping gifts for the kids and when I get home I will begin to cook dinner to take to Jon and Shannon's home. We celebrate with them on Christmas Eve and with my husband John's family on Christmas. A sting of tears a few times in the last few days, usually when a song comes on that brings such bittersweet to my heart but there is definitely more joy than ache now, this many years later.

To those with friendship issues, some of them are exactly as Susan said, these folks simply don't know what to do with our despair and ache, but I found too, that some don't want to know. After nearly 45 years of friendship with my dear friend, I had to let her go. I had to say, NO MORE> not so much related to my Girl's death anymore, though her callous ways did hurt, but more because of the way she wastes life and how offensive she is to others. I just did not have it in me to feel that kind of negativity anymore. I fought and found a way to live my best life, it is hard to do but doable, and I will be damned if i was going to continue to be inundated with the negative and caustic manner of this once best friend. I knew when we were little that she needed someone to help take care of her and so I hung by her side, tried to protect her from herself, tried to talk her off the edge throughout our lives, but finally, I told her she drained my good energy and that I have gone through far too much to try any longer on someone who does not to live more positively. As hard as that was, as sad as I was to say goodbye, my life is happier without her. My energy is not zapped through the sadness she caused. On my first Christmas without Erica, I was out walking in the woods on Christmas morning, crying and talking to her when the phone rang. I answered and it was the woman I am tlaking about...she was upset and shouting that her stupid husband (her words) didn't even know how to buy a good gift and her kids had nothing to give her because he didn't take them out to get her anything.

It was that kind of constant crap that I had to end in my life.

I make sure that if I am going to spend time with folks, they are people i can just relax around, be myself and be able to speak my Girl's name without worry of making them uncomfortable.

One thing I did from the start of this loss, I spoke of my Girl to everyone and those that could not handle it, did not come around as much. Those that joined in the conversation...are my dearest friends.

Peace

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Dee, "I make sure that if I am going to spend time with folks, they are people i can just relax around, be myself and be able to speak my Girl's name without worry of making them uncomfortable. One thing I did from the start of this loss, I spoke of my Girl to everyone and those that could not handle it, did not come around as much. Those that joined in the conversation...are my dearest friends."

 

I totally agree...I have found that I don't need to be friends with everyone, but I want those who are in my life to be true...I have some who have decided to stick with me, but my "friend" of 34 years did not.

 

Thanks Colleen for your kind words today. It is good to see Brian's smiling face light up the screen.

 

Kate, Going to try the Tourtiere Pie...it reminds me a little of a shepherd's pie....I will tell you Susan, how it goes...

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Just a quick post to say I am thinking of one and all this Christmas Eve. As I sit typing the snow is softly falling in large soft flakes. It really is magical tonight. I spoke to my granddaughters who are apparently giving their parents a real go to today as they are so excited. I told them to be as good as little bunnies as I could hear Santa and his reindeer up above the house heading their way. Well, they were off to do all that was asked of them in a hurry. I know how hard this time is for us all. Hold on tight. Sleep well everyone. Love to all, Kate

[daveydow1]

                                

              MAY        ALL      OUR      ANGELS     SMILE    DOWN    ON   US   TONIGHT.

 

 

 

 

                          WISHING     EACH     AND    EVERYONE     HERE    AT      BI

 

 

 

 

                                                        A           BLESSED

 

 

                                                                 AND

 

 

 

                                            PEACEFUL               CHRISTMAS

 

                                 

[Mandy's mom]

I am thinking of everyone.  My thoughts are with you all this Christmas Eve.  Peace to all.

~Susan

[ericasmom]

Thank you all for the well wishes and warmth in all of your messages for a peaceful Christmas Eve and Day. My thoughts exactly. Only do what you want to do or feel you need to do. Remember to be kind to yourselves, the way you would ask your loved ones to be to themselves if grieving.We are but humans after all, capable of much but not bionic, we need to sit and think and cry  and remember. We have to have room for our sadness and we have to have the space in which to let it out and let it be.

 

Just got home from dinner at the Kids' house, the babies opened gifts and took delight in the extra attention and activity. We shared a good meal and a nice glass of wine. Now quiet at home, the candles lit in the windows, it is time for quiet reflection. I have such a grateful heart made so full by all I love and have been lucky enough to know. I ask God and Eri to help me be the best I can be for all those in my heart. I ask that I make good decisions and that I am able to make Erica proud of me. I picture Eri sitting on a star, one foot dangling and a big smile on her face, as she watches her niece and nephew play and grow and change. Her Daddy too, never a Grandpa here on Earth but instead, a loving Grandpa from his new home. He must be so proud of our boy, Jon, being such a good Daddy.

 

I love you all,

Peace

[tobyfreefoot]

may your angels touch you some way this christmas eve.

we had our usual christmas eve brunch for about 35 people. my co worker that went to texas with me earlier in the year to clean up the kids roadside memorial brought me a new big mario to replace the one that is out there now that i had to beat dirt out of and paint because i couldn't find one. she had forewarned me because she knew it would make me cry which of course it did but it was so sweet and brought thoughts of my son into the mix. her little boy had wanted her to buy it too because he had seen photos. crying again but better thoughts of him than not. love to you all.

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, have the kids check out NORAD tonight on google....they give an accurate Santa update.

[ericasmom]

May the day offer more magic than others might understand...

 

Going for a walk-finding the peace within the trees.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of everyone today.

 

 

 

https://gpsinformation.info/main/merryxmas.swf

 

 

[Sholl1955]

My thoughts are with each one on this site.  

Sandy

[TearsInHeaven]

To know there are so many out there feeling like this helps to know that we are not alone.  My husband and I sat together for along time just quietly.  I have worked as much as I could between yesterday and today to help just get through this.  Erica's mom gave me the best picture in my mind when she said she saw her daughter sitting on a star, one foot dangling over the edge watching her niece and nephew grow.  I think I will carry that picture in my head for a long time as those few little descriptive words gave me such peace.  I too am in the Chicagoland area and have found this warmer weather strangely comforting.  Finding this site has helped as I see all who are going through such trauma.  I hope the peace that is out there finds a small portion of everyone's heart today.

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

Wishing everyone a warm hug.. And a peaceful day

[ericasmom]

Dianne, my name is also Diane, but I go by Dee. I'm really happy that the visual of an Angel sitting on a star with a foot dangling helped you...sometimes I feel her sitting on my shoulder, directing me through the toughest times. Where in Indiana are you Dianne? As you see from the information below our photo icon, we are from the Oak Park area, just outside Chicago and Sarah's Mama is from Fort Wayne. There are several folks from Wisconsin and Ohio too. We are everywhere, we parents who grieve, and we are here for you whenever. I hope you and your husband felt the peace of your Angel today...the turmoil of grief makes it hard to feel those gifts but eventually you will.

[TearsInHeaven]

I am just across the border in Indiana--Northwest Indiana.  Not far from Oak Park and Chicago.  My son lived in Arizona and we had finally convinced him to move back this way as things had not been going that well out there since the loss of his long time girlfriend.  But now---

Your angel description really touched my heart and I believe I will carry that for a while.  The day is almost over and a lot of tears have flowed but we have almost made it.  Now we just have to get through the memorial on Saturday.

[Suzie1228]

Well, I actually made it through the day much better than expected. My day actually started when a little bird came to my window and pecked on the glass and started chirping at me. I cooked some lunch for myself and my sister since there is just the 2 of us now. Then a very unexpected turn of events. In 1974 just before x mas and Brads 4th birthday I took him to see some crazy Santa movie because we lived just behind a small local theater. It was a foreign movie but had been dubbed in English about Santa and a devil that was trying to get the best of him at Christmas. For the past 40 years we have always talked and laughed about this movie and couldn't figure out where it was made and we were never able to find it on tv or anywhere and believe me we looked for it because it was so stupid and our private little joke. Not to go on about the story, I wanted to watch something on tv so went to my on demand movies and there it was! Yes, that movie, mine and Brads movie, just out of the blue. I turned it on and remembered the day we went to see it and it was like he was just sitting beside me laughing and just being Brad. I hold him in my heart everyday and that silly little movie brought such a smile to my face.

[ericasmom]

Suzie, these are the gifts that are the magic of our Angels, the ways that they let us know that they are near, that they are always rooting for us. Oh how wonderful that Brad could come to you in all of these ways.

[Jims mom219]

I have not posted over the holidays but I have read all of the posts each night. My son died May 20, 2012 so this was my third without him. I had two wonderful days with my daughters and their families as well as extended family. Nothing like grandkids to cheer you up. I'm grateful for the blessing of a loving supportive family but I miss my boy. No matter how many years, it will always be yesterday to me. Thank all of you for being so open with your feelings. Just reading the posts helps me to remember I am not alone in this devastating place. It's not how it should be, but it's how it is.