Loss of an Adult Child

[Sailormom]

So sorry for the family.  

 

[tobyfreefoot]

forest's dad, karey (who lives in wales and had a crap family--his mother dropped him at the babysitter when he was 2 weeks old and never picked him up though she would drop and pick up his older sister and then his younger sister also when she came along. so he was raised by the babysitter. we called her grandma wolf and she was a loving grandmother to all of my children) contacted me yesterday. he said he had just found out they found his younger sister dead on christmas day full of an anticoagulant and she had hit her head. no one had claimed her body, not even her kids. he said he called and raised hell and was hoping someone would or he would need to. we have never had anything to do with his mom and little with the sisters. such a wrecked family, a terrible thing. anyway his sister's body is new mexico. i am waiting for him to get back with me. i suppose i could possibly claim it and have her cremated if need be. he just started his own business last year and i know he can't afford to fly over. i know this doesn't have anything to do with "US" but it's forest's dad and forest was his only real family and i have always felt like i am too even though he is married and was married for ten years to someone else also.(i'm friends with both of them on facebook-lol) Karey and i have always remained friends. the whole thing just seemed so dreadful and my heart aches for him.

[ericasmom]

Sad news Gretchen. Sad that Karey grew up in that way and that his sis died without anyone caring to claim her body. I am happy that the two of you have remained friends. I think that it is very giving of you to think of claiming her body and having her remains sent to Forest's dad.

 

Maryanne, so sad for the news of the acquaintance. You know all too well what the family now has to face. My prayers.

 

We babysat tonight for a bit. Little Erica was in bed already but Michael was up the whole time. My back is out so Husband had to do all the walking and carrying, I could only do the holding and sitting which he isn't terribly fond of, he likes to go...so cute. My back however is bad so I am off to bed iwth hopes of sleeping deeply even with the ache.

 

Sleep well All.

[flocicero]

I saw a beautiful cardinal sitting on my back deck on New Year's Day ; it just sat there & looked at me. I was able to take a few pictures of it, but I don't know how to load pictures onto this site yet. I read somewhere that cardinals represent loved ones that have passed. I just felt it was a sign from Michael.

I've also had something wonderful happen recently. Michael had connected with his half sister Nicki , my husband had a very brief relationship prior to us meeting 39 yrs ago but was not part of his daughters life. When Michael passed, she contacted me asking permission to attend the funeral. We have since been communicating & my husband is also happy about this. She's my step daughter & she has 2 daughters 16 & 7 years old so I also have granddaughters! We've already met with her & her husband (his name is also Mike) & now we're planning to have all of them including the girls over to our house for a weekend stay! None of this would have been possible if it wasn't for my Michael; he's given me the opportunity to be a grandmother & a mom to a wonderful young woman. My youngest son Chris has also been communicating with his half sister which gives me comfort since Michael was his only sibling .

The 16 yr old, Gina, knows of the situation & is super excited to meet us. All of this is such a blessing for all involved. Nick's mother has just been diagnosed with brain cancer & she has told me that she believes God puts certain people in you life at certain times for a reason; I so agree with her. I'm looking forward to what the future will bring with my new family members! God bless my Michael for this gift.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mary Ann, so sorry for the loss of the young man that was found. Prayers for the family.

 

Mike's Mom, thanks for sharing about the sign...how nice that Mike's half-sister, Nicki, is coming for a visit. Best wishes.

 

Gretchen, sorry for the loss of Forest's aunt. It is good of you to be able to assist. I know that won't be easy.

 

 

[RicknTommysMommaa]

i found this site today.. i joined today.. there is much i want to say but right now i have no words (dont tell no-one would believe you anyway)..

i will read.. and cry, im sure.. just letting you know the world is a darker place.. again..

[Mermaid Tears]

Rick and Tommy's Mom....I lost my John David..age 42 in 2012.....

and I will be honest...it is hard for me to wrap my mind in thinking...(and have the fear of 'IF')...I should lose two...and you also have the grief of losing a GRANDchild...

    yes....your world right now is dark....no one will argue that....and you are once more in the midst of the pain...and that kind of grief that losing a child can unleash...

    I don't think any parent 'gets over' losing a child....they only learn to go through it....and many of us on this site knows the hard path on this grief journey ....and how hard it is to learn to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and put them back in place ...(maybe not as whole)...so one can learn to move forward....

  Please know....you have my heartfelt empathy....and sympathy....you do not have to post anything....just read the posts...maybe you can read older posts....some parents on this site has lost more than one child....they will reach out to you...

   none of us have any answers....all we have are our words and hearts to share....and we can 'hold hands' in this dark place we find ourselves in....some have been on this site for years....I call them 'spirit guides'...they are farther up the path..and they wave to us.....to let us know we can survive this....

   some days we take 4 steps up....and then 5 back....just baby steps...that is normal.....as you know....for you have been on your own grief journey for years....please know I will pray and think of you....sending you Peace.

[Mermaid Tears]

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....hope your back aches are healed soon....I had some 'back problems' about 6 years ago....I have another kind of empathy with people that suffer with back issues....don't you love to baby-sit those GRANDkids ?

 

Shannon....I do hope that 2015 will be a year of having less 'outside' problems....that can only deprive you of time from your grief journey and healing....when the 'other' issues come up...it is like being in a box of grief....and no door to go through.

 

Gretchen....so like you to reach out with your consideration and compassion....I like what you wrote about 'turning the page' in your book of Forest....we always have that 'book' for our child....and as we carry forward....we turn pages...and start on other chapters....some will enlighten us....we are so brave to walk out of the deep  and dark...keep us posted on your journey.....

 

to the parent that called herself a 'sissie'.....

   we are all weenie heads and sissies.....at times....none of us are 'strong' 24/7.....we cry and wail...fall to the ground...so many times we have lost count...I have been on my knees....grasping for help...praying for some kind of answer...for some kind of 'help'....Dee has said and it is the truth...the fact that we lived one day longer after losing our child means that we are so very brave....

      I am going into my 3rd year.....and I just now feel as if my legs are strong enough to walk out of the deep waters into the shallow....I still feel very fragile....I am still shattered.....but I am surviving.....

    I think every parent on this site and everywhere still has those moments or a moment in each day when they 'just want that child back'.....

 

Mary Ann...I saw that news on Fox this morning....my heart went out to the Mom....we know the dark days ahead of that family....

 

Mike's Mom....'miracles appear in the strangest of places'......so happy to hear about Nikki coming into your family circle...I have a cardinal story to share later...

[ericasmom]

Victoria, read and weep my Dear, it is another to an already sad list for you and I am so sorry for all of these deeply heartbreaking sadnesses. Tell us more when you are able. Prayers for your spirit and soul to find a way.

 

Mike's mom, love the cardinal story and so glad that you received a tiny bit of hope in that symbol from your Boy. I love that Nickie has reached out and is finding a way to connect to you and your Husband and Son. May Mike's spirit direct this lovely action.

 

Yes Susan when the back is out simple things like reaching for a cup is painful. Mine are chronic but I have maintained a healthy back for a number of months...so hopefully the chiropractor can get me in tomorrow after school. AFTER SCHOOL? Yes, have to go back tomorrow and as much as the kids are the biggest group of lovely humans, I have grown fond of being home and sleeping in after going to bed late. OH readustment time, for the kids too. It is snowing and all I can do to not dress in my triple warm clothes and boots adn go out in it, but with my back, there is no way. It is our first measurable snowfall this winter. Last year we had about 14 inches. We will however be experiencing subzero temps as of tonight and into the mid week. NO recess with those kinds of windchills. Oh well, can't change so many things, including the weather. I love a winter filled by two months or more of snowy days in the mid to high twenties. Cold enough to kill germs and warm enough to go out and play each day with the kids.

 

I have been grading a zillion papers and making my lesson plans but needed to come here and tell you all how dear you are to me.

[ericasmom]

Maryanne, I too read of Shane's death and I am sorry, so sorry for the family and friends for what they now have to live with. Shane looks like a lovable young man and what a sweet smile. Prayers.

[Mermaid Tears]

My daughter has had a sad path to walk....yesterday a 'friend' of the family...but one that doted on her...he was my age...died. In the weeks past....he has been slipping away......one day when she was visiting him she prayed for John David to put his arms around her....and there on the window sill was a bright red cardinal...that was looking into the hospital room..she went over to the window and she said he didn't move but just looked at her....she even tapped on the window and he just perched there for a long, long time....she told me that she knew that John David sent the cardinal to her...

 

I told her for sure that was her brother sending her his love and compassion to her...

[RicknTommysMommaa]

thank you to mermaid tears and ericas mom.. it is both good and bad to know there are others who have knowledge of this pain..

my name is Victoria.. i am 54 yrs old chronologically, but my heart, such as is left, is older than the earth i feel.. it consists of super glue and duct tape and.. both good and bad memories..

in order for you all to know me, i need to tell you things.. some happy, some sad, unbearably so.. i really dont know which direction to come from but maybe from the start.. those are older memories and easier to share, more part of my soul..

i was 17 when my Tommy was born.. i was young bride, he came 18 months after the wedding.. (smile.. yeah, old fashioned here..)

20 months late a daughter, then 23 months after that another son.. i was 21 with 3 preschoolers.. i still dont know how i did it.. but i always knew i wanted kids.. 3 1 daughter, 2 sons... just what happened..

i was 25 yrs old when Tommy came up with "mommaa my tummy hurts.." 19 days later the drs sat Tom and i down and told us Tommy had cancer.. inoperable.. will start chemo..

18 hours late my son died..

Tommy was a mommaas boy.. his dad drank and one morning Tommy woke up to catch me crying.. worried silly that Tom was hurt or.. well the imagings of a young wife.. Tom walked thru the door not 30 minutes later and my HERO, all 7 yrs old and mad as hell at his daddy, stood if front of him, with hands on hips, and told him off..

"you made MY mommaa cry.. dont you EVER make my mommaa cry again.."

3 months later he was gone..

i have to stop now.. this is a part of me.. 29 years later i still see and hear him..

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

 

 

 

 

Susan, Thank you for sharing those screen shots. That first one especially touched me because of where my thoughts have been. I’m so sorry your daughter has had that added sadness of losing a beloved friend. I loved the story of the way John David showed her he was there.

 

 

 

 

 

Maryann, I’m sorry to hear of the loss of that young man. I will also be sending prayers for the family.

 

 

 

 

 

Dee,

 

 

Sorry you’re having problems with your back. I hope you feel better soon. I know what you mean about getting back into a routine. In one way I’m so ready for it but having some time to read late and sleep in (as late as Aiden will allow) has been so nice. The kids and I have also spent a lot of time in our pj’s. Our schedule will be a little more relaxed though because Zak has decided to do online school. He’s been struggling lately. I was ‘warned’ that with a teenager the grief may show up later. I think in some ways he was waiting for me to be a little better before he allowed himself. He can’t sleep well at night and his grades have slipped. He’s going to do this for now to catch up at his own pace a little better while he’s working on things.

 

 

 

 

 

We have also seen temps drop here but are getting sleet and freezing rain instead of snow. This winter has been warm and wet. I’ve got early spring bulbs already popping up.

 

 

 

 

 

Victoria,

 

 

I’m glad you are here. This is a good place. It’s such a hard journey and it seems you have suffered so much loss. Thank you for starting to share your story and the story of your children with us. Share as much as you’re able when you’re able. We are here to ‘listen’. Sharing our stories and telling and retelling the stories of our children can be so important.

 

 

 

 

 

Laurie,

 

 

I read that you had the flu too. I hope you’re feeling a bit better. I am slowly. It was a nasty bug.

 

 

 

 

 

Mike’s Mom,

 

 

Thank you for sharing your cardinal story. I love the stories of the ways we are still connected and touched by our Angels. I’m so happy that you’ve found this new connection in your family and can welcome new loved ones in. What a blessing. I hope you have a wonderful visit.

 

 

 

 

 

Gretchen,

 

 

I’m sorry for the loss in Forest’s Dad’s family. It’s sad that no one has stepped up but so sweet of you to be there to help. I wanted to post a picture for you. Aiden has discovered Super Mario and has been all about it. He has been collecting all the plush characters and for Christmas he got Mario and Luigi costumes. These things bring Forest to my mind. I wanted to share a picture of Aiden that I thought might bring a smile.

 

 

 

 

 

I’m starting to feel better, a little more human. I attempted to put some holiday decorations away today. It was a start. I am ready to put the holidays in a box, at least until next year. Wishing peace and comfort for all of us today. 

 

 

 

[lsj53]

I'm new to site. I lost my only child, Shawn, age 42, on 11/3/14. I have now gone through Thanksgiving, his birthday, Christmas and NY without him. Since Christmas Day the pain has increased although would not have thought it could get worse but it keeps going deeper. I cry and cry. He lived with me now I live alone. My family is very small and very limited support and contact. He has 2 teen children, my awesome blessings, but they live 4 hours away with their mom and stepdad. I have friends but most have already stopped coming around or calling much;they really don't understand my need to have people with me just to be with me or let me talk and cry although have tried to tell them. I am seeing a grief counselotr twice a week and read a lot about grief and loss. I am going to try a couple of support groups in January to see if one fits me. I am returning to work next week. In a way I look forward to that but I'm very scared of thinking I will be coming home and he won't be here (he usually got home before me). I found this site so I'm reaching out to those who understand this grief. Linda

[ericasmom]

Susan, thanks for those pretty sayings. Tell Randa I am holding her hand and so glad that she had such a friend in life.

 

Shannon, the photos of Aidan are adorable and so sweet to think of Forest and Gretchen when you post them. I am glad that you can see your steps Shannon, you have taken many, many more than you see. If snow fell after these many months you would see the steps in the snow. And while you walked forward you carried others along in their ache and pain and issues. My goodness Girl, you are a wonderwoman. Remember in the dark of night when you feel you are just starting out, that this piece of road you are on was reached because you made it so and your Angel is so proud of you.

 

Victoria, your little Guy sounds like such an amazing little man. I am sure you can still hear him, his strength and his might from his soul. Maybe an old soul if you don't mind my saying this...he sounds like he had knowledge beyond his years. I am so sorry that he had such an aggressive cancer, poor little man. Tell us at your pace, we are here.

[ericasmom]

Oh Sweet Newbie, I am so sorry that you lost your Boy. He will always be your Boy, your little guy. Going back to work may end up being a very good thing, giving shape to your days but do be careful with yourself. If you can, ask your boss if you can have a few breaks in the day to acclimate and get used to the routine because when we carry grief, we have to make room for it. You need to make sure that you are eating some protein every several hours to keep up your strength and if you are able,  take vitamin c for immune system as our systems take a big hit when we grieve. Feeling worse now is normal in this awful situation, and losing contact with some friends is too, sadly. They just don't know what to do with us and we remind folks that they can not change this and so they feel useless, but only if they knew that sometimes just being a shoulder to lean on would be a great thing. We get it, believe me. As the shock of loss begins to wear away a bit, the pain becomes more intense so make sure you talk about that with your grief counselor. Tell us whatever you like as we get to know you and your Boy.

[shorty16]

Linda,

I am so sorry for the death of your son. It has been only 2 months. That is just the beginning of this journey. Please be kind to yourself. This process is very slow. We sometimes think we are weak and should feel better by now. But I am here to tell you, this process has its own time and each person is different.

This place is awesome. Please get to know us.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[shorty16]

Shannon,

I have stopped myself from going to the "how can I live without Brian forever". This thought brought me major anxiety.

So when I go to that place, I try to "turn the channel in my brain". Or "put that thought in a box a come back to it latter." Sometimes, this thought process is not possible, but mostly works well for me know.

We start a new year with our child. Thinking about the entire year is tough. One day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time is where my mind wants to stay.

I think of you often.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[lsj53]

ThanKS to everyone for welcoming me to this group of understanding parents. I am fortunate that my employer will be understanding of my need to work back into being focused on my job when I return next week. I plan to work partial days for few days and will be allowed to take "breaks" as needed, I am a social worker in a geriatric psych unit so stressful job but compassionate staff I work with. I think once the holidays were over my shock lessened to let the pain really take over. I realize this grief will be all encompassing for a long time so glad I found this group for support. Right now I miss my Son so much sometimes I struggle to breathe and the pain is unrelenting . GOD bless all who are enduring this deepest loss and grief and shattered life.

[ericasmom]

Linda, your Son's shirt let's me know he has a great sense of humor. What a dear he is and always will be. We are glad too that you found this place, it has been a safe haven for many. I have been here for 11 years, losing my Daughter when she was 19 in 2003. I still miss her everyday but I think of her and laugh at some of the funny things she did, and I talk outloud to her to release my love for her. I say goodnight and thank you to her each night, and I feel her special presence in my heart and sometimes in different ways. As Colleen stated, grief has its own timetable, we will always miss our Child, always and the pain in that first year is the craziest kind of pain ever. There is hope however, there is that sense of standing where our Child no longer can and so we live our best life in their honor. It is what each of our kids would have us do, don't you think? It takes time though, so please be patient with yourself. We are changed by grief and that only makes sense, we were forever changed by the birth of our babies, so of course we are forever changed by their leaving this place. Eventually we find the parts of us that are still there and add new parts as we develop on this long road.

I wish you a deep sleep if you can, and the sense of your Boy nearby.

[Mandy's mom]

Hello - I wanted to welcome the new people. Sorry you are here. Glad you found us. This is such a great place to get support.

I have been in what I call "the well". Just having a hard time and escaping watching lots of movies to keep myself busy. Today was a hard day for me. We had a massage table in the living room to get Mandy's personal care done on it. We decided we should take it down. My husband got the tools and took it apart. I lost it. I cried and cried and couldn't stop. I know it needed to be taken out of the house. It hurt so much doing it. I started feeling guilty and that we should have left it there. I know logically that is not the right thing to do. After it was out of the house it made it more real even though I know it's real if you can understand what I mean. So I sit here today back 10 steps. We put all her stuff that was in the living room on the table in her bedroom closer. I am not sure I will ever be able to give her room up. We have her wheelchair in there with her bed and all her clothes. Her bath chair and all of her personal stuff. If I am having a hard time I lie in her bed. That bring me some comfort.

[Mandy's mom]

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. And wish you comfort and peace....

[RicknTommysMommaa]

thank you all for letting me do this a bit at a time.. no need for the whole book in one sitting, huh..

when Tommy died i was left with a daughter, Cassie, almost 6 yrs old, and a son, Ricky, who had just turned 4.. i dont think i would have survived without them.. but they needed me.. they didnt understand why Tommy was gone, where.. or that he wasnt coming home.. so i continued for them..

LOL.. for 6 months they ran the house, til i actually looked.. saw.. that they were becoming spoiled little monsters.. the Mommaa woke up.. she still hurt.. she still was lost.. but i was responsible to raise good kids, with manners and kindness and all the things we, as parents are supposed to teach for our children..

and they grew up.. their dad and i divorced and i remarried.. a wonderful guy who is asleep upstairs as i sit here 'talking' to you.. teens were rough.. a new stepdad who wouldnt put up with misbehaving and dad 1000 miles away, yes we moved, who they only talked to when i called him, who forgot birthdays and other holidays..

i am, was, a truckdriver.. Justin, hubby #2, taught me to drive.. in 1996 i had a bad accident.. broke my back in 2 places, spent 6 months in a body brace (that was fun).. i was lucky tho.. even tho i am labeled a 'disabled adult' i am still mobile, on my feet and tho i have chronic pain, i can still do most things in my home.. not in a wheelchair, not burned (i was hauling hot oil for road construction when the accident happened and lost the load into a ditch) could have been burned badly.. and im not 6 ft under.. so i WAS lucky..

(to the one with the bad back.. im there, i know how it feels, to not be able to lift up a grandchild who wants a hug from Gramma..)

my daughter moved back closer to her dad.. so did my son, when they were old enough ( i guess even Mommaa cant compete with childhood friends and the 'lake' area they grew up..

but Rick, not Ricky once he became adult, moved back home.. we even went to college together for a while.. he was my 'aide' when i had knee surgery.. the girls at the college all fell for him.. 6'6", blonde and blue, taking care of Mommaa.. what a sweetheart.. pushed my wheelchair (only one month) whereever i needed to go.. ran for our lunch and ate with me, not just dropping it off and going with friends..

i introduced him to a young friend of mine.. Savannah fell hard, and it was mutual.. they became a couple in 2003, engaged in 2007.. Rick started his own business and Sav was getting degree, still is, in pharmacology.. they made plans for the future.. get her thru school, get married, get house, have kids.. oh, and Momma was going to be DAILY in the grands lives.. i was the worlds best Mommaa doncha know.. follows i was gonna be the best Gramma too..

 

on November 12th, i was going to go to town, spend the evening and night with Rick.. dr appt the next morning so i did that whenever i could.. we would have dinner, maybe see a movie, just hang out..

there was a knock on the door.. i thought .. well i had asked Rick to paint a new door for the garage for his stepdad.. i though, cool, he brought it up to us..

it wasnt Rick.. it was a deputy sherriff, telling me that Rick was deceased.. he was in an accident, he was pulling onto the interstate, hit ice, lost control and the semi behind him ran into his truck.. that he had been "pronounced dead at the scene".. my baby was gone.. all 6'6" 270# of love, was dead..

 

[RicknTommysMommaa]

54 days gone..

Rick was intelligent, charismatic, a great pool player, a romantic (Sav was always gifted with flowers or special dinner he cooked or anything else he could think of.. ) he gave the greatest hugs, you know.. no 'limp, ok, i have to put up with this, shes my Mommaa..' GREAT hugs, where he pulled you into his heart, held on tight for a minute or more, even if it was thru the car window.. i can still smell him, the cologne he wore, feel the strength in his arms, the beat of his heart..

all gone now..

sorry, cant continue..

[Steve s mom]

There is a song sorry I can't figure out how to post it called a mothers love by Brian delauder if you want to look it up

[lsj53]

Hi Dee, yes Shawn had a wonderful sense of humor, for which he was known, and loved his humorous tshirts. He was also a very intelligent loving person. He had many losses in his life beginning with the death of his biological dad when he was three, death of both of my parents who he adored, a divorce from his high school sweetheart which he never really got over, three miscarriages during that marriage then their first live birth of a 2.2 pound little girl of which he was very protective and later a son who worshipped his dad, death of my brother,who he also adored, by suicide due to many physical and emotional issues in his life which he valiantly fought, his adoptive dad deserting us for a friend of our family and his feeling of lack of emotion and limited contact after that, a struggle with alcoholism and internal "demons" he fought over and over. He died as result of his depression and alcoholism but not on purpose. The last words I heard from him at the hospital was "help me momma, momma help me, where are the helpers?" He then went into a five day comma with No response. I sat with him and held his hand and talked to him

Even when life support disconnected. This all haunts me including the "what ifs" of thinking I should have been able to save him. I know the heart and brain struggle over what if, I should have, why didn't i and eventually I hope to come to terms with that but right now I'm struggling on the loss of my only son and a life I never expected. I'm a mess right now and feel barely functional and so scared of life without Shawn as well as so regretful of the

He life I wanted for him.

[tobyfreefoot]

Shannon!!! soo cute! thanks so much! show Aiden Forest as Luigi! --

[Sistergldnhair66]

I've been here, reading, not posting lately, since the holidays. Right after Matthew's death, it was "the Holiday season", and there was so much to do, to keep some holiday spirit for my other kids, and granddaughter, that I had to put my grieving aside...and I was so frightened, that after it was over it would come down on my head, and it did. The weekend after Christmas. I scared my boyfriend, my kids, and myself. I ended up at the doctor who gave me a script for xanax. 

 

Shannon, your words in your post of January 3 really hit home with me. Thank you.

 

Linda, I am also new here myself. My son Matthew died the day after Thanksgiving. I am hand in hand with you as we learn to navigate without our boys. Hugs to you. Matthew also battled addiction and "demons" and I also am struggling with the what ifs, and should I haves..

 

RicknTommysmommaa, your Rick sounds like he was a special man. I find comfort coming here, reading, knowing these people understand, I understand you, and send you hugs.

 

 

Everytime I close my eyes, I play it all..from the minute I got a call that he was in trouble, over and over in my head. It doesn't leave. Sometimes I can't even catch my breath, and when the thought comes into my mind...that I will have to grow old without him, i am filled with panic..

 

My sister and I spoke yesterday and she mentioned going into Matthew's bedroom to clean the rug, I panicked, and said What about his things? She understood and said she wasn't touching anything. That was for me to do, she would help me with anything I needed, but that was up to me to be ready to do. There is absolutely no rush. I'm sure she would like the bedroom space back for something, but the thought of packing up his things, all his things, is so daunting. 

 

I picked up his ashes the week of Christmas and have been looking for an urn for them. For now they sit, on my shelf, and I just stare at them. My sister came with me to get them...I thought I could do it alone, and I was brave, but the minute the man handed me the box, I lost it. My sister Mary, has been a rock for me, I don't know if I could have done any of this without her. 

 

Hugs to all of you. 

Eileen

[daveydow1]

I'm behind with reading posts.   Trying to get caught up.  

 

I'm sorry for all the new parents here at  BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo).  You

are welcome here where others understand your sorrow and grief. Please come back

and tell us about your beloved children, when you feel that you want to.  We have no

real 'rules' here for posting/reading.......just compassion & understanding.  Prayers for all.

 

 

isj53...Linda----

Yes...I agree that the holidays are very difficult to go through each year.

For those who are so early on this rough journey of grief,  the holidays cause those

very real emotions of sorrow, pain, and grief to be pushed aside, somehow....for awhile.

Of course, they do not go away, and after the holidays are over,  then the emotions

come crashing down.....tears fall like rain.  I'm glad that your co-workers are understanding.

Now...when the grief is so raw.....be kind to yourself.  Don't put any 'timeline' on your

grief (and don't let others set up a 'timeline' for you grief process).  Just keep coming

back here, and read/post as you feel up to it.  Everyone here understands. Peace to you, friend.

 

Dee----Snow & cold moving in today.  I'm staying home.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

 

WISHING   PEACE  AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

     

[tobyfreefoot]

sherry--i've always liked the way you continue to refer to us as indigos and the site beyond indigo.  it seems such a fitting name and i think i will just use it.

 

i finally reached my old coworker (she is also a sherry) this morning. we talked for about an hour and a half.  she is doing well, she is a very fervent christian and her strong faith is serving her very well, though i do know there are days when even the strongest must slip into that abyss so i plan to stay in touch.

 

my old friend lynn really made me laugh last night.  we were talking about our new resolve to find at least one beautiful moment in each day.  i was telling her about my two, one was about some birds out my window, the other about the very bright moon shining down on me before i took my prework sleep.  she started talking about how she had seen it too and how wild it must be on a planet that has several bright moons all at once. then she said "yes, and i was thinking when i was looking at it how glad i was that it was round and not pointed or something."  ah ha ha. i thought my sides would split.  our joy last night was that our moon was not pointed!  lol -- it was terribly funny. thought maybe it might brighten your day too.

[Mermaid Tears]

To the new parents on the site....all of us on this site has had and still have those 'WHY'....'WHAT IF'.....questions that roll in front of our minds like some on going movie....it is on going....and it torments a parent because we all would have stepped in front of a truck...train....or bullet for our child....

    I do believe that is a normal part of grieving....all the unanswered questions....and there are 1,000's....and we grope and try to look everywhere for relief from the questions...that never have answers....

    You will wear the 'shock suit' for the first couple of years...even longer....at the beginning the 'shock suit' fits real tight...I think that is our bodies defense coming to our rescue.....for if it all came at once....we would be crushed....

    We will all have those 'moments' when there is nothing on this earth home that can bring us comfort....and all one can do is simply 'breathe'....and that is ok.....this isn't the time to 'rise above it all'....or be stoic...or strong...or brave...or have courage....this is the time to mourn and grieve....so let yourself ....give yourself permission to bend into it....

    we can't side step it...jump over it....we simply have to go through it.....a parent that allows themselves to grieve deeply...will really learn to balance the sadness better than the ones that think they can second guess it or think their way through it.....

   I do believe that for those parents that don't have a strong circle of well meaning and caring family and friends that a grief counselor or a Compassionate Friends group would be very healing...I have found that only parents that has lost a child really understands me and what I am going through....this is an individual choice.....there are some common ground in grief...but everyone has their situation...environment...dynamics of family...which is theirs alone. Some have small children at home...some have adult children....some have none.....but the one thing we can do....even in our differences....is hold hands while we are on this grief journey.....I call it a journey ...for that is what I feel like I am on....and it is MY journey....

    I am also some what possessive about my grief....it is mine to deal with...John David was my boy...and I am the only one that can decipher what is good for me to do....what I can do....what I want to do....and most important....WHEN.....

      I had the instinct to 'cocoon'...and I cancelled every civic and social engagement....and I still 'cocoon' to a large degree...but ...that is my decision and what I could do that was best for me. I own my own business....so I did not have to go to work 9-5

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Gretchen, I showed Aiden the picture of Forest as Luigi. He loved it. He had the biggest smile. He wanted to know about Forest so I told him who he is and how I know you. He said... Do you think he knows Sissy? I told him I thought that was a very good possibility. He liked that thought a lot and said he hopes they have costume parties in Heaven. Aiden loves costumes. He's someone else every day. Sometimes 3 or 4 times a day.

I'm so glad you are finding things to laugh about. You and your friend Lynn sound a lot like my Sis and I when we are together. It's so good to have someone you can really laugh and really cry with.

I like the thought of finding something beautiful every day. I'm going to try to adopt that.

Sherry,

We also have a lot of snow forecasted to move in tonight. I'm kind of looking forward to it. Anything besides all this rain. My joints hate all the dampness we've had.

Eileen,

I'm glad you went to the doctor when you felt the need. Nothing can take our grief away but sometimes when the panic and anxiety get intense, help is needed. I read your feelings about changing anything in Matthew's bedroom. That's one of those things that will come to each on their own time. My Trista's room is just as she left it for the most part. I have dusted and cleaned but all her things are as she left them. I'm glad your sister is understanding and has been such a help to you. I understand the things our minds can do... Replaying events over and over. I still have to read or watch something on tv until my eyes slam shut. If I try to lay in the silence my mind will still take me to those places and cause a panic attack.

Linda,

All the what ifs are so hard. I wish we didn't have to do that but I think many parents do. I did and still do at times. I do know as parents we would have done absolutely anything to save our children if only we had been able. I know they know that. They know how deeply and fiercely they are loved.

rickntommysmommaa,

Take as much time as you need. This is your story and I know how hard it can be to tell it the first time and the fiftieth time. I still cry when I have to say, for whatever reason, my Daughter died. I use other words to soften it but still the tears come. Both Tommy and Rick sound like amazing boys. Rick, it seems was such a comfort to you and always there for you. I can imagine the pride you must have for both of your boys.

Dee,

Thank you. That's so important to me... To go forward in a way that would make Trista proud. Your words help so much.

Colleen,

I think of you and Brian often too. I try to do just what you said... Stop the tape in my head. It helps. I'm not always able to do it but it is a good tool for those reoccurring thoughts and useful during panic and anxiety attacks.

Laurie,

How are you feeling?

Susan,

Everything you said is so right on. I also cocooned. I have always been a 'homebody' but I really needed to just be in my own space and time... My own world. I still do at times.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Mandy's Mom,

It was so hard for me to me make any changes for awhile. Even things that weren't Trista's. Just the thought of new dishes... Tris ate on those dishes. It sounds a little over the top I guess but I think the thought of allowing any type of change meant I was 'moving on'. Those steps are hard. I'm thinking of you. I understand what you mean about making it more real. There can be a big difference between what we 'know' and what we are ready to accept.

[ericasmom]

Going to bed after my first day back at school with the third graders. Fun times but tiring, especially with my back troubles but I went to the chiropractor and am feeling much better, still some pain but much better.

I want to talk tonight but I need to sleep, poor sleep last night.

Just know to all of you brand new and newish- allof this is without a map, there are no directions for what to do next, so if it feels good to leave the bedroom as it is, then do so, if you feel it would be better for you to dismantle it, then go with that. It is hard to trust your gut these days, I get that. We have so much doubt in ourselves after we lose a Child. Try to listen to your gut again though, you will know if and when you want to change things. Believe me, nobody's child would be angry or think you were moving on without them by changing their room. If they could say it loud and clear, they are not going to need that room anymore so use it for something that will give you pleasure. Maybe it can be an art studio, a yoga or meditation space, a sewing room, a plant oasis, or maybe it stays the bedroom. No rules on this.

Again, you are moving forward Folks, even if you fall backward ten steps, you went forward 11 or 12, so you are still ahead of where you had been.

As far as the replay of events that last night...I did this for some time and then figured I needed to turn on my light when I was doing it while in bed, pick up my book and read so that my mind could go to some other story besides my own. When the replay would begin and it was not bedtime, I would force myself to do something physical to focus my attention differently. Little tricks sometimes work for a while. Eventually, you will learn how to steer away from it and you will find that the good memories will flood in again, if you are able to give up rewatching all of the bad ones, but this takes time. The replay I am sure is part of the need to fully understand that our Child is no longer in this realm.

[Mermaid Tears]

'this is late for me...but I know many parents will visit this site.....

in the night.....

just know that you are not...and never alone....you are not the first...and sadly...you will not be the last....

of a parent losing a child....

if you are here....and don't want to post....just re-read older postings...

and you may find a word or words....that you can hold on to...

it is just so darn hard....

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Something I wrote tonight...

My love for you will never change

because we are apart

Forever as it always was

My Love, my Soul, my Heart

You are there in every shooting star

In every tree and flower

In every lovely blade of grass

That glistens in the early hours

I see you in the sunset

Every birdsong sings your name

I hear your laughter on the wind

I'll never see these things the same

You're every flash of lightning

In every thunderstorm

You're there in every snowflake

And in the summer sun so warm

You are every passing butterfly

You're the summer rain so sweet

Because you're there in all these things

They're more beautiful to me

This is your gift to me, my Child

In return I promise to

be grateful every single day

For the gift of loving you

I cannot promise I won't cry

Or have dark and painful days

It's only because of my deep love

But I'll always remember the ways

My life is better for loving you

And for the precious time we shared

I'm forever in love with every moment

And will keep those memories near

Thank you, Trista Mae, for being my Girl.

[tobyfreefoot]

shannon i love your beautiful poem

 

[lsj53]

Shannon your poem is so touching. This morning as I sit here crying I read your beautiful words. This journey is so early for me and the pain and loss have really knocked me down since Christmas. I have the second stage of some periodontal surgery

this afternoon and return to work tomorrow affor being off since the loss of my precious son and only child. All I do right now is cry. I look forward to night when I can take my sleep aid and go to sleep all the time knowing when my eyes open in the morning the tears start flowing as if I have a faucet on automatic that turns on when my eyelids open. As you all know life as we knew it is gone and this new life is dark for me. I needed to share these thoughts with my new friends as I need people who can understand and willing to listen to my rambling. My grief counselor had to cancel our session yesterday which is my main outlet with someone to talk with about Shawn;I will reschedule for another day this week.

[RicknTommysMommaa]

ok i dont know if this will work.. the local tv station did a story on my son.. will see if link works..

 

http://www.wdaz.com/content/east-grand-forks-man-killed-semi-crash-remembered

 

i couldnt talk to them.. they wanted me to but ..

[Mandy's mom]

Shannon-Trista'sMom - Thank you!  It is comforting when someone understands.  Your post made me feel so not alone in what I am feeling.

 

RicknTommysMommaa -  I watched the new report link.  He was a wonderful well loved person who touched a lot of lives.

[Sistergldnhair66]

I made this yesterday for my boy. This song has been stuck in my head. Just plays over and over....

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flRFf3zHOgQ

[tobyfreefoot]

linda-sorry you have to reschedule your appt. until then we are more than glad to listen for all we are worth.  the folks here can probably write a book about my son as they have listened and listened and are still helping me through.

 

mandy's mom--i'm sure moving the table was very hard.  we had to move my son's entire household into storage. a lot of it is in our spare bedroom. i have not gotten rid of anything still except things his siblings have taken.  since i don't have his bed to lie on, when i can i go to the cemetery (an hour drive) and lie on his grave.  people might find that morose but i find it very comforting.

 

rickntommysmama-a very nice article.  when you can and feel up to it i would really enjoy seeing his painting.

[tobyfreefoot]

eileen-thank you for putting the video together. i love getting to see your boy.  my son was 28 when he died but he also was like a teenager-thus the 19 year old girlfriend that died with him. he was my oldest of four but the only one from a previous marriage and it has always been forest and me and the kids.  he loved me more than anyone in the world and needed me in that kid needs mama way when things go wrong and had the maturity level of a 16 year old but that is why he was sooo much fun to hang with. <3

[Sistergldnhair66]

eileen-thank you for putting the video together. i love getting to see your boy.  my son was 28 when he died but he also was like a teenager-thus the 19 year old girlfriend that died with him. he was my oldest of four but the only one from a previous marriage and it has always been forest and me and the kids.  he loved me more than anyone in the world and needed me in that kid needs mama way when things go wrong and had the maturity level of a 16 year old but that is why he was sooo much fun to hang with. <3

 

Gretchen, my Matthew was also like a teenager.  Most of it was due to what they say about addiction..that there emotional growth stops when they began using, and I found that to be true of Matthew.  The past two years it was worse due to the brain injury he had from an overdose two years ago.  He had severe memory issues and couldn't seem to accomplish much without direction from someone. To look at him he was fine though.

 

Matthew depended on me for pretty much everything.  When I had him, I was 18, single, and it was just him and I for a few years until I met my ex-husband, who when we married raised him as if he was his own.  Matthew never knew that my ex wasn't his biological father, and I always grappled with telling him the deep dark secret.  My ex's relationship was very strained with Matthew when he got  involved with drugs when he was a teen, and he is very anti-drug, and still is.  Matthew struggled with the fact that my ex distanced himself from him, and would always ask me why doesn't dad talk to me?  I always wondered if I told him the truth, would it explain something, or drive him deeper into his addiction, so I carried the secret with me.  

 

I wrote a letter to Matthew after he died, and put it in the casket with him, and also shared it with my daughter and son, who never knew either. No need for the secret any longer was there?  

 

I do know that he knew I loved him, and I would never ever turn my back on him, even though at times in recent years while he was using, that it seemed that was all there was left to do.  I couldn't live in my skin if I ever turned him away. He carried a sadness and desperation in his eyes, that I always saw, and it haunts me now in his photos.  

[Mermaid Tears]

I do believe we have many hands to hold while we march into 2015.....have lots on my plate today....so will post later...

 

 I just want all the parents on this site to know how your stories touch me...the ones that have been on a longer time...and the new ones that have started this journey....I want to answer each one....for I want you to know that you are heard...

we are here to hear you....

[RicknTommysMommaa]

again.. hope this works.. i am not very tech savvy.. that was Ricks job..

[tobyfreefoot]

eileen-forest was raised from 4-15 by a verbally and mentally abusive stepfather.  i think that arrested his development plus his biological father was very emotional and wild and cried at the drop of a hat, very smart, with adhd and dysgraphia--all the same issues forest had.  forest had a logic score of 190 but a coding score of 20.  they wouldn't let him in the gifted program in school but would recruit him when they went to academic bowls so they would win.  he was in emotionally disturbed classes from jr. hi-high school.  college was a totally different experience.  because there was less structure and he was prized for his outspokenness rather than disciplined and he could use a keyboard his brilliance shone so brightly and he suddenly had friends because he went out of his way to befriend, include and encourage outcasts.  a boy who had not a single friend in his high school had 200 college students show up at his funeral and i got condolences from gamers all over the world.  i was recently so sad thinking if i hadn't divorce his dad he wouldn't have had to grow up without him but after some soul searching i realized it couldn't be helped because his daddy didn't have any idea what a family was, but he did love him more than he ever knew.

 

different circumstances maybe but i can relate to being your son's one and only.  once he told me i was the only one in the world that loved him and my youngest son who has issues with me said "forest thought you were pure love." my youngest obviously thinks he was mistaken lol

 

also on the addiction thing--my daughter was a meth addict when she was a teenager--it is a very very heartbreaking frustrating road hugs

 

 

 

[RicknTommysMommaa]

my son and furry granddaughter..

[daveydow1]

Shannon----Thanks for the lovely poem.  Yep----looks like we're in for some

bad weather, but I, too, like the snow better than too much rain.

 

 

Dee----

I agree that using little tricks to divert our minds from sad thoughts

is a good thing to practice.  Glad you feel better after your visit to the chiropractor.

 

 

Gretchen----

Many of us here prefer to call ourselves Indigos.....going back to

the original name. We seem to feel as you do....that it fits us better, and our

wish to deal with our grief. So.....we're all Indigos !  I like you & your friend's

idea of looking for 2 beautiful moments each day......they need not be anything

spectacular....just like watching birds, or seeing the moon.  I agree....it would

be so weird to see pointed moons !  

 

Victoria-----Beautiful artwork that your son,  Rick ,  did.  He must have been

very talented. 

 

 

PEACE    AND   TRANQUILITY    TO   ALL   INDIGOS

 

Davey&Lisasmom,     Sherry