Loss of an Adult Child

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

...

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Shannon....not only me....but I know so many have been thinking and praying for you and yours....

in the last posting.....I got the 'feeling' that something had happened when it was your court day...you don't have to share anything that you don't feel comfortable with....

   just know we hurt with you....

we get 'hurt' in a different way when we are on the grief journey...

and many of us have thought about your Trista girl....and we know her Mama's heart is still shattered...

 

I can only hope that the divorce proceedings will go as smooth as they can.....another heartsick for you...I am so sorry things did not work out....I know you wanted them to....and I wanted them to work out so you would not have to deal with another 'kind' of loss....

   but I know there comes a time to cut your losses....and move forward.....

it is a new learning skill we have to learn....sometimes over and over....love is the most powerful experience....

but our love is not control....we have no control over saving our children.....and we have no control over another person that is making wrong choices...

      We gave our love as a gift....if someone abuses or misuses that love.....we still gave that gift...it does not take away from us giving.    I hope you can see that and understand.....right now....you have to deal with your grief...and it would be so hard for you to have to deal with regret. I know you have had it so hard....but you have also been 'thinking on your feet' and have made a lot of wise decisions. How are the boys doing ? Your Grandma....am happy you have family to support and help you.

     Keep those candles lit....I know your girl is with you....just in another form....

[tobyfreefoot]

shannon!  i am just so glad to see you. it brighten my day to see trista's name!

 

dee we are kindred spirits and susan i have a book on sacred geometry and that was my thought also. i would have learned so much more easily!

[daveydow1]

Susan----You said it so well......in regards to our wondering about folks who no

longer come to BI.  As you say....grief is hard work, and can cause so much

exhaustion and emotional strife that one simply cannot come here...or ....they

may have found other places.  With the days and weeks leading up to the

holidays it is especially difficult. 

 

 

Shannon-----

Good to see your post.  I do understand about your need to refrain

from being on BI due to sensitive private issues.  During my 11 years on BI,  we

have heard others who also said that privacy of their posts has been invaded,

possibly causing problems.  You said that after the Thanksgiving holiday that

you needed to 'make room for the grief'.  This is so true, and necessary to do

this.  We must not try to run away from the sorrow, but to just have it become

a part of us, so that we can have that acceptance that will allow us....when we

are ready...in our own individual timeline,... to find things that will make us smile,

while always remembering our dear children who left this world too soon. 

 

Dee----We had a nice Thanksgiving with Becky & her family.  My mom is doing

fairly well in the nursing home.....doesn't complain much......said they had a

nice Thanksgiving dinner, and children came in from a school or church and

gave residents handmade paper turkeys, leaves, etc. and sang songs. They

kept the program short....due to the exuberance of the youngsters.....as one

might expect.   Thanks for the song......"Woodstock".....always loved that

song, and listen to it often.   

 

Hello & Peace  to our  BI  friends..... Betty,  Betsy, Rhonda,  Bonnie, Kathy, Claudia, Carol, Leah, Amy,

Shelly,  Wanda,  Wade, Lora, and  so  many others.   Peace & Blessings to  All.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

 

 

[Sholl1955]

December 1st 1978.  One of the most wonderful days of my life.   My first born child was placed in my arms and I was made whole as a mother.  Who knew so much love could be wrapped up in one little bundle.    Fast forward...... December 1st 2014......The third year birthday without my Sarah.    The pain is so so intense and the longing for her so deep.    I should be farther along than this.....I thought I was,  but I was wrong.     It hurts so bad.

Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy....our Mama of Sarah.....by the way.....I 'thought' I would have 5 daughters....at one time in my life....I had their names....and then.....life or other plans happened...and I had 5 sons....but one of the names I picked out was...SARAH....so I join with you.....and can feel how it was when that angel fell off that cloud and was placed in your arms...and heart....so all of us on this site will celebrate with you....today....and will hold both of you in our hearts....

     and you say you should be 'farther up the path'.....no.....I don't think so.....for time does not travel in the same way....nor is there an alarm clock that goes off and rings.....'this is it...your time is up for grieving and longing and hoping and praying'....no...

   it just doesn't work that way in the 'time travel' of a grieving Mama.....in a nano-second we can be back in 1978....

we have one foot in yesterday...and the other in today...and all those days in between.....

    you expect too much of yourself I think....

we expect you to be in memory and remembrance.....we expect you to have your tears and sorrow....what's more...we allow you to have that little 'party' for yourself....as it should be....

      and we know how it hurts....for we have all been at the place you are at....all we have are words to give you comfort...for we have all been in your shoes....

    am so happy that she has a Memorial stone....what do her girls think about it...?? I know it gives your heart a lot of solace to have it in place....

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I agree with Susan, you are as far along as you are, no race nor measure, but birthdays and anniversaries just have their way with our hearts and our spirit. Lord knows as does your Sweet Sarah, all that you have had to face since losing your Girl. You have continued to work and secure placement for your disabled husband, you have had to move the both of you and find a way through that time without much contact with the Grand-girls you lived with, you have dealt with the distance now in place with your other Daughter...all of this while trying to have some time to mourn, to grieve Sarah's leaving. No, you are further along than you think Sweetie.

You are The Momma of Sarah's heart as she is the Child of yours.

 

Sweet Sarah, blessings to you on this Birthday, as you smile on your Daughters and your Sister and her Children, and you touch your Momma and Dad with your smile tonight, letting them feel your love all around. Blessings and hope.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry.....I remember you posting some photos of the heavy snows ....was that last year or year before last ? I find I am in a time warp.....I can remember events...in the last two years...but they do not follow in sequence....I guess that is the nature of grief....and how one travels the grief journey...3 steps up.....5 or 6 steps back....1 step up....3 back.....the dance of grief...the ups and downs like a carousel...

     

Kate....we got a cold Norther yesterday.....I think of you when we have a cold spell....for we will warm up in between....but you stay cold.....I don't know how I would exist....maybe put enough food for a year.....in the house and hibernate ? I hope you and Ross have a wonderful Holiday season.....please post photos of 'Jeff's Tree'....

 

Laurie.....you have a court appearance soon.....I know you must be frozen with dread...we are all here with you...prayers are there for you and yours every day....to sustain your stamina...in your search for justice for that fine..strong...beautiful boy, Jesse David.

 

Katiebug....do you have relief for your pain/jaw/neck ? Your girls will have stars in their eyes this season....we know how hard it is for a parent to have joy sitting beside your grief. Even a Christmas season without grief is chaotic and hectic with small children....I do hope you have support from family and friends.

 

Dee....we would be a good team...Teacher and Volunteer helper....when Jeremy started 1st grade..we had moved from Texas to Louisiana....I stopped being a Real Estate agent...(I would have to go back to school to get a license..they have Napoleon Law there)...so I volunteered at Honey Island Elementary.....I found out how different from when Randa was in the 1st grade....his teacher complained that they were 'drugging' the little boys...I thought I would really miss my work....but I found out I could be busy every day 'helping' out at school....the Librarian was fantastic...one can get a lot of good things done in a school when everyone works together.

[ericasmom]

I think that we woud be a hilarious team of teachers Susan. Never a dull moment.

 

I had oral surgery yesterday after school, had a bone graft and today...well let's just say my face is very lopsided iwth the swelling that is going on. Oh my. When I get home from work, NAP sounds great.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi everyone really rough times at the moment. I can't seem to cope anymore. All my thoughts are consumed with my son. I miss him so much. I can't stand this feeling of dred each day. I wake up at the same time everyday I think james needed me at that time and that's why. I just don't know just trying to make some sense of it all.

Georgina x

[InHeavensKeeping]

I'm still not sure how to write on this forum Am I doing it right gxx

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Georgina, you're doing fine. This is a great group of parents who have helped me tremendously through my first years of grief. I am sorry about your son. I lost my first born too.

[Mermaid Tears]

Georgina.....yes....you are posting the right way.....and at this time in your grief journey....yes...it is a mess...and you are a mess....I could not even remember to brush my teeth.....and of course...all thoughts are consumed with your boy...and I think that is normal....there just isn't a straight line on the grief journey.....it is chaos....and insomnia....meltdowns....breakdowns...shaky hands....panic attacks....and tears and tears and tears....

   I felt at times that I was 'splattered'....like my human body had been thrown against a wall like paint....there was no form...there was no routine....no top or bottom....shapeless I felt.

     There is no magic pill to consume to take this kind of pain away.....just hang on with both hands....you will survive....but your heart will never heal....

[daveydow1]

HAPPY  HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY.........DEAR   SARAH.

 

Sandy----Somehow,  the second year can be just as bad, or worse,

than that first year. Two years is so short, really......although when

measured by the heart, and how we miss our children who have

passed......then it can seem like an eternity.  Hang on, friend, and

keep coming here to BI where everyone understands.

 

Susan----The pics of the heavy snow was from last winter, I believe,

because it was a rough winter here in Ohio. Your posts are always

so true and helpful.  Thanks.  Also, thanks for the screen shots of

soulful writings.....they say so much to the hearts of each of us.

 

Dee-----Oh,....Owww.  The oral surgery and bone graft sounds so

painful.    I hope it isn't giving you too much pain.

 

Georgina----I'm sorry that it is so rough for you on this grief road......

but it has been very recent, and it is so natural to think of your

dear son all the time.  I recall when I was so new to the grief journey

years ago, when my baby Lisa died.....and again in 2003 when my

son died....it felt like my every waking moment was consumed with

thoughts of them.  Your posts are just fine....we have no set rules

for posting here.....just post what is in your heart and everyone

will know what you are saying.  Peace to you, friend.

 

WISHING    PEACE    AND   COMFORT    TO  ALL    INDIGOS. 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

 

[ericasmom]

Sherry, My face hurts yes, but it is getting better, not better looking, for I hear that will get worse before better, but not as much pain as yesterday. OW!

 

 

Susan, you told Georgina all the best things, I love the part of shapelssness. Yes. Oh you posted a saying by MIchael Rosen. Have any of you read his SAD BOOK? I have it in class.

Here it is online.

 

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Thank you all for your help comfort and words of encouragement. Susan you described exactly how I'm feeing. I thought the SAD BOOK was such an insight into how every day feels and how I feel when I'm out Which im reluctant to do as I am feeling more and more unable to cope. There are so many reminders. I see people happy just getting on with their lives mothers with their Sons so proud you can see their love in thier eyes , there's nothing else like it.

James and I used to spend a lot of time together he lived at home worked hard but had such a caring nature. He'd come in from work and say " come on mum lets go down to the beach have fish and chips and take the dogs for a walk " Just so thoughtful and kind hearted.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Dee...for sharing 'The Sad Book'....what insight....

how many times have I longed to talk to my GRANDparents...my parents...my friends...who passed....and tell them...

" I lost my little boy"...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

this is a photo I took of our yard light...I put orange lights on it for Thanksgiving.....look at that halo of light....

[spbaker111]

Hi  I just joined the forum tonight.  I lost my son two years ago.  He was hit by truck in NYC while crossing the street. Two years feels like 20.  The sadness, depression, anxiety are just horrible.  When I go back to the morning of hearing my son was killed, it still takes my breath away.  Will the pain ever leave??  Do you ever feel normal??  It is so hard to interact with people and their families.  Every aspect of their lives brings you back to the loss.  How empty it is.  How painful it is.  You can never escape it.  It becomes so exhausting.  From the moment you wake to the time you go to bed, it is with you.  It never leaves you.  Friends, even family have "moved on" but as parents we never move on.  You just feel so isolated.....

[daveydow1]

Shauna----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son.  This is a site

that no one ever wants to be a part of,  but I'm glad that you have found

BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo).  I hope you will come back and

read and post whenever you feel you want to.  There are no setrules

or guidelines for being a part of this group.....only that we have all

lost a beloved child, and have the heartache that goes with this

devastating life event.  By sharing  feelings & thoughts.....with others

who understand,  it can somehow lighten the load of grief that is so

exhausting, and at times, overwhelming.  Take care, and peace to you.

 

 

 

Dee----

Take good care of yourself after the dental procedure.  I'm

having difficulty getting an appointment at the specialists.  Seems

to be some disagreement between my regular dentists and the

specialists office.  Who knows?   I must get them on the ball, though,

because my dental insurance runs out at the end of this year, and

I have two root canals to be done.     Are you off work after this

painful procedure?  I hope so.

 

 

PEACE   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

[SamDsmom]

I don't know if this will post or not. I have tried several times and it never seems to work. We have a new computer ordered but it's not here yet. I had to get a new phone and it does not want to cooperate here for some reason. Fibally I tried today and all I can see is posts from last Jan./Feb.

anyway, I have so missed you all. I have so much but only a little time right now. We got moved. I stay so busy from sun up to sun down and fall asleep everyone I sit down. Think it's all catching up. Tomorrow being my precious Sam's bday. It has all hit and I think this year is harder. Our computer should be here tomorrow so I'll try to get on again. Hope everyone is ok. Looking forward to catching up.

Debbie

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Susan, Gretchen, and Sherry, Thank you for the welcome back.

 

Susan,

We are all doing fine. I don’t see my Gramma as much. Travel is getting harder for her but she’s here as much as she can be. The boys are doing well. Zak is such a great kid. He’s growing up so fast. Aiden is so young and understands things as much a five year old can. He’s such a sweet kid. Tonight we saw the ambulance across the street at a neighbor’s house. He said, “I hope they are ok.” I told him all we can do is say a prayer. He came back and said, “I closed my eyes and put my hand on my heart and said, “Let them be ok. Do you think that will help?” He amazes me. I’m so thankful for my two Boys. I love the halo of light picture.

 

Dee, Thank you for sharing the “Sad Book” video. That may be a good one for Aiden. We have been talking a lot about feelings and how to deal with feelings as they come up. He’s had so much loss in the past couple years. Also, I hope it’s okay but I shared your poem, Missing From The Table, with my Sister. She is trying always to understand me. That poem came the closest to describing how the holidays are feeling for me. She said it was beautiful, that your writing helped her understand… at least as much as she can… that feeling. I hope you keep feeling better each day. I’m sending prayers for a speedy recovery.

 

Spbaker111, It’s been 18 months since I lost my 17 year old daughter, Trista. I can relate to what you wrote. Friends and Family do move on and they have to, but we are left with our grief and our struggle to learn to live with it. Thank you for sharing the picture of your Son. He is such a handsome young man. You have found a good place. My daughter was killed when the car she was a passenger in was hit by a tanker truck. This place and the people here have been a saving grace for me.

Georgina, Keep sharing as you’re able. We are here. I know that feeling of trying to make sense of this loss.

 

Gretchen,

I saw something about sacred geometry in one of your past posts (I’m trying to catch up). I don’t know much about it but my therapist recommended the use of mandalas during my meditation.  

 

Debbie,

So good to see your post. I know how hard it is to post when things are hectic. I will be keeping your Sam in my thoughts tomorrow. It is also my Grandpa’s birthday.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Today I made a blanket for Trista’s site. Last year I had one made but they are expensive. I thought a homemade one would be nice. I went out and cut the pine boughs myself, after thanking the tree for her gift ( a Trista rule). We have an ancient pine in our backyard. I think it turned out pretty. It was a lot of work and my hands hate me right now. Pine needles and chicken wire are hard on them. It still needs trimmed a little but I want to wait until I place it tomorrow so I can see how it looks lying flat. I miss my Girl so much but doing things like this for her does help my heart. 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shauna, I am sorry for the loss of your son. He passed shortly before my son, Jesse, and I am still finding my way. I have found some very kind people here who have all helped me so much.

 

Shannon, your blanket for Trista is beautiful. I love the dragonflies and the colors.

 

Debbie, hope that you find some rest after such a move. It sounds like it will be a good thing for you to be settled down somewhere.

 

Dee, thanks for posting the video. Sometimes it seems like the world is trying to tell us not to be so sad...but I am sad. And I agree with the author, sometimes SAD, it is just mine. To own, and to hold.

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

 

For you Debbie...thinking of you tomorrow...

[ericasmom]

Shauna, I agree with what everyone has passed along to you here already. I am glad that you found us and know that there are others like you here, swimming upstream in many ways. We share a common thread, a sad one, but being together here helps us in so many ways. It will one day feel lighter than it does now, the grief always a part of us, but later on we learn to build it a nest of sorts, right next to our hearts in order to nurture what our lives become and honor who holds such a special place in our lives. Always your Son.

He is extremely handsome, my goodness those eyes. Irish eyes?

Tell us more about you and your Boy when you can.

 

Susan, I love the halo shining through your life. He's smiling.

 

Sherry, I do hope that the dentists stop dueling and get to work so that you can be done with the whole thing. I am healing so that is the good news, but I went to school the day after the surgery, the surgery was after school on Monday. Probably should have stayed home on Tuesday as I really looked bad. I looked like Jay Leno with a wig. That big chin only on one side. Yikes.

 

Shannon, you are there! I just PM'd another parent to see if she had heard from you. So glad you are out there and that the boys are well. I love the blanket of greens you made for Trista. The decorations will make her smile.

 

Debbie, you are there too!! A double day seeing the two of you after so long. I am glad that you arrived at your new place but it must be overwhelming for sure. Keep us posted.

 

Laurie, glad that you liked the Sad Book Video. Michael Rosen knows what we all feel here, losing his Son at age 18.

 

 

[spbaker111]

Thank you all for the kind words and support!!!  I pray every day for peace, I pray for guidance as to what and where my life will now be.  Ken, my son was a such a gifted young man.  He was kind, compassionate, fiercely loyal and knew that friends and family were the most important things in life.  His life was just beginning.  He was studying for his doctorate and starting his first teaching position at  Elmira College in NY. He was just so happy. He was my world.  When he would come home from school I was like a kid in a candy store.  Life was perfect!!!  The impact he made during his time here awes me.  I still receive letters, gifts from so many people that I never even met.  Well, now I am a mess.  I did have a good job, enjoyed working and loved to be out with friends and meeting new ones.  I can not work.  The smallest task creates such anxiety.  I see a grief counselor as well as a doctor to treat the depression and loss.  The doctor just wants to add more drugs/change drugs.  I disagree.  I tell him that this is grief, my heart is broken, no drug is going to cure a broken heart.  Time has helped somewhat.  I know i have to feel the grief in order to survive.  It just feels like your life has been shattered .  How do you put your life back together again.  I am so hard on myself.  Should I be doing better than this after two years....  Will I have the strength to rebuild my life??   

 

Shauna

[ericasmom]

SAM

SAM

SAM

I am saying your name to honor your life and your spirit. The day you were born will always hold magic Sam, for you and for your Momma. Please help her feel you all around her.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shauna....I read your post last night...but was too tired to try and collect words and put them in thoughts....I lost my SONshine boy in 2012...John David...he was 42.....many parents on this grief journey are marking that '3rd year'.....what I am finding for myself is that I am just learning to 'carry the grief in a more balanced way.....grief is very heavy and exhausting...it is so heavy we find it hard to breathe at times.....it is also very dark....in that we simply can't 'see' our way through it...

    I believe we are fitted with a 'shock suit' at the beginning.....for if it all hit us and every memory came back at once....we would have a total breakdown...

     at the 3rd year marker....that 'shock suit' does not fit as tight.....for some...it is around our feet....for others...it is just fitting loosely...

     for our grief journey will be as unique as our child was unique......we all come from different backgrounds...different environments....different situations......so each of us will walk a different grief journey.....and you have to know...we get no map or compass when we start this journey......and it is like being in a foreign land....

      Many parents on this site have had 'help' with a grief counselor....and meds....and I think one should do whatever they can to get 'help'.....anything but do harm to yourself or others....

    For me....I had an instinct to 'cocoon' and it was parents on this site that gave me 'permission'....even in that dark grief...I could not understand this kind of grief...I also bought every book by Elisabeth Kubler Ross....I cancelled every civic and social event...and I 'cocooned'....I had to bend into my grief and lick my own wounds. I am somewhat possessive of my grief...it is mine...John David is my boy...I will hold and handle it my way.

   Some parents have a large circle of caring family and friends.....others have none.....some parents have a large family....for some....that child was their only child....grief has many different shades and shapes.

      None of us has answers.....but we can hold hands and help each other. Many parents have been on this site for years and years....I call them our 'Spirit Guides'...they are the ones that are farther along the path....and they 'wave' to us....letting us know that they survived...and we can, too. I need that.

    I do not have a circle of friends around me that has lost a child....that is why this site is so important to me....I need people that walk in my shoes....I do not have to explain away what I am feeling or going through....for many on this site will nod their head in agreement...and meet me in the middle.

     I personally think you are being 'too hard on yourself'.....for there is simply no 'one size fits all' when it comes to losing a child. Some people have a hard time being good to themselves....even before losing a child....but this is a time to be very 'kind and gentle' to yourself. I do believe that Mother Nature has the best healing ....and one should try and walk outside at least once a day...even if you have tears streaming down your face.

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie.....I was thinking you were lost in the snow....so good to hear from you....really.

 

Just the other day I was thinking 'gosh...I miss those parents so much'....the ones I haven't heard from....it opened another portal of discovery in my thoughts of how uncanny it was for me to have such a connection to others I have never 'met' in person....and yet....have this kind of 'caring connection'....

 

I can only imagine how busy it has been for you 'learning' a new job and place of living and all that goes with it...

   you were just 'plopped down and had to have a running start'....

 

But today is your SONshine boys birthday....you will be lost in the memory of that day of when that angel fell off a cloud and was placed in your arms and heart.....and we will be thinking of you and your Sam, too....

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon.....the cover is absolutely beautiful......and I, too, find I find some healing space when I create...when I use my hands it is like my 'mind' gets some 'time out'....

    Am so glad the boys are having good days....and yes....they have had so much to deal with in the last two years....but they have had you.....and you have guided them in such a way....that they feel they have a foundation and trust..and that means they will move forward in a healthy way. We know how hard it has been on you to keep those 'home fires' burning and keeping the environment as stable as it could be. I and many parents on this site 'applaud' you. We really do.

[Guest]

 

 

 

Debbie, I hope you can find the good memories of your dear Sam today.   Thinking of you and remembering Sam.

[Steve s mom]

Just wanted to share with you all.

[Steve s mom]

ALL THE GIFTS I CAN NEVER GIVE

 

I find myself wandering through the mall.

Christmas past I want to relive.

Tears fall from my eyes as I gaze upon.....

All the gifts I can never give.

 

Allured by the scent of his favorite cologne.

Beckoned by sounds from a music store.

I needlessly search for that card "To My Son",

Longing for Christmas with him just once more.

 

There are so many things I would give him...

The warmth of a hug and a smile.

I would give him that one last "I love you".

Then we'd sit and we'd talk for awhile.

 

I'd give him the strength to overcome death

That found haven in his room.

I would be there when he needed me most.

Perhaps he wouldn't leave so soon.

 

The gift of time for a long goodbye,

Something I desperately wish I could do.

I would tell him how deeply I miss him,

How his absence makes Christmas so blue.

 

But the music and hugs can't be given,

Nor time for talks or long good-byes.

For my son has gone, he'll never return.

He dwells with angels up in the sky.

 

So this year I'll wrap up my memories,

Those of a happier Christmas lived.

I'll place them beneath the Christmas tree with.....

All the gifts I can never give.

 

© 2001 - Christine Ross

~ in memory of Lucas Christopher Ross 1979 - 2001

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....you create the most meaningful tributes....

 

 

 

Maryanne.....thanks for sharing...I have never read that poem...now that is a Mama who I can be friends with....kindred spirits are we....I will copy that....

    I have done alot of shopping online for I have Masses of Meltdowns in the stores and then that 'one song' will come playing....and I am 'melting'....

     The only way I can protect myself is to take Pibby and Travis or Taylor....they seem to 'cushion me'.....this is the one time when the 'children' are the adults in the room....for without them...I can cry like a baby...

 

 

sharing these photos of Pibby and Travis.....I took Pibby, Travis and Kate to pick out 'Stars' on the Angel Tree....(this is for children in Foster Care)....then....I took them shopping and they picked out gift that the child has asked for.....and here they are delivering the gifts....Kate was sick......(Travis and Kate are children of my daughter's friends...Pibby is my GRANDdaughter)....'Angels giving to other Angels'.....

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Debbie,

Thinking of you and of your sweet Sam today. I hope you feel Sam's LOVE all around you and your memories bring you some comfort.

[Jeff's Mom]

Debbie, thinking of you today as you remember all that was so precious about Sam. May these warm and beautiful memories help to bring you comfort.

[shorty16]

Sam, Sam, Sam

Here, we say your name loud and clear.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[daveydow1]

HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY,......SAM......AN ANGEL in HEAVEN.

 

Debbie----thinking of you on this day....I know it is difficult, I'm sorry.  Peace & comfort to you.

 

 

Stevesmom-----Thanks for the poem about Christmas.  Yes---it is so true that

Christmas is very hard to get through. All those memories, and missing your

dear son, Steve.  wishing you comfort from your sweet memories of him.

 

Susan----Great pics.  the kids look so enthusiastic with the shopping, and

they are doing such a good thing......getting presents for the foster children.

 

Dee----I finally got an appointment with the endodontist for the root canal repair.

Not sure what was going on between the two dentists offices, but anyhow....I

did get the appt. for Dec. so the procedure will be at least started.  I hope your

swelling has gone down a lot.  I'm not looking forward to my procedure, but---

oh well---it has to be done---no getting around it.  

 

HOPING THAT ALL INDIGOS CAN FIND SOME PEACE, AND A GOOD NIGHT'S REST TONIGHT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,     Sherry 

[ericasmom]

Sherry, good going. I guess these days and at this age, I figure it might hurt but what the heck? My swelling is greatly reduced but still shows...I am grateful that I don't feel horrible. You will be fine too. I still would rather go to the gynecologist than a dentist or endodontist.

 

My husband's sweet uncle is ill and he is with him at the hospital in the city.

 

Maryanne, I loved that poem, thanks so much. So true.

 

Susan, the photos are great, what good helpers your Grandies are. Pretty tree too.

[flocicero]

Im so exhausted. This is a horrible day. Its just to much to bear. I need to talk to my son, this just doesnt make sense. He wouldnt leave me. I just want to go to sleep & not wake up ever again.

[ChristyB123]

Mike's Mom....I totally understand what you mean.  My son and I talked about everything and I know he would understand how broken I feel because he isn't here anymore.  This all just doesn't seem real yet, although I know it's true, because of the pain that is there where my heart used to be.  I know he would have felt the same way, had it been me that died and if anything, I'm glad it's me rather than him, having to deal with this much pain.....but even with that said, there are moments I just don't want to deal w/ it anymore and I get angry that I can't do anything about it because then I'd be hurting the other 2 people who are left here with me (my mom and my fiance' Scott).  Sending you HUGS Mike's Mom, your not alone with your pain.  We all here understand.

[ericasmom]

Christy B, how nice that in your early grief, you found yourself able to urge another to hang on. There were those times 11.5 years ago when I thought the same thing. I didn't want to die but I also was soooo tired, the energy it took to just get ready for work felt like walking through wet cement. At nightime, when so much exhaustion and despair were my companions, I found I could not sleep much at all. Nothing makes sense for a while, time didn't even make sense, it became so abstract and distorted.

I can only promise you new to this pain, that it will get lighter one day, but not for a much longer time period. It is a long process, it is lifelong in fact, but I will say that as time went by that first year, I learned some new things to do with my anxiety and my sadness. I learned to work very hard to make sure that each day I found or noticed something lovely. It felt like I had to reestablish and repurpose my life and my hopes.

I promise that it does get softer one day. Hang on.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mike's Mom and Christy B......we have to know that our child would not leave us...unless they had to.

and it is a real physical kind of pain.....this kind of grief....for the first time...I knew what a 'broken heart' felt like...and the words...'shattered and splattered' took on another kind of meaning....

for I 'felt' those words....and I felt 'raw'....and the other feeling was 'numb'....

    I had the instinct to 'cocoon'....and this is going to sound strange...but I didn't know how to 'drop out' for awhile...I found this site one night when I was looking something else up on the internet....(I do believe I was guided here)....and it was Dee and other parents that gave me my permission ...they let me know that I should do what I felt like was best for me...so I cancelled all civic and social obligations....I said 'No Thank You'.....or 'Not now, thank you'....to invitations....it turned out to be easier than I thought.....and I did not feel compelled to do any explaining...(before I would have to have a 'reason')....

   and that was a gift I gave myself....

but what works for me....may not work for someone else....our grief journey is as unique as our child was unique...

     I still 'cocoon' to a certain extent....but nothing like that first year....I am not the 'me' I use to be...

Dee says we change to make room for the loss...

     I was fighting the change...but I finally realized...and accepted....that I was changing...my world was not the same without John David and I would have to re-introduce myself to my new normal...

      Our hearts are shattered around our feet....one day....I will start picking up a piece here....a piece there....and start shaping it into a mosaic of what my heart looks like without John David in this earth home....

   I am not there, yet.....

    but I do agree with Dee and the many parents on this site that have been here for years.....that has said to look for something lovely.....or recognize a tiny good thing.....maybe it is the taste of your coffee in the morning...a tiny flower...the shape of the clouds.....I have become a sky watcher....this is a time to be very 'kind and gentle' to yourself...

     You will be your own 'healer'.....I realized that no one...not one person....could do for me...what I needed to do for myself.....and trying to figure out 'what' I needed was a learning process that is going to go for a life time for me.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos.  Don't have much to say today....guess it's one of my 'off' days.

 

 

 

Mikesmom  and  ChristyB------I'm so sorry for your pain,  sorrow, and despair.  I think

that Dee said it so well in her reply to you.  I wish there were words to take away your

heartache, but we know that there are no words to accomplish this.  Please come

back to BI and post/read as you want to.  Many times,  just telling others who understand,

how you are feeling can help ease the pain. Peace to you.

 

Dee----Good to hear that you are recuperating from the dental procedure.  I'm not

looking forward to my visit to the endodontist...  , but it's something that has to

be done.  About going to the gynecologist......HMMmmmmm.   I guess most

women would prefer not to skip both.

 

 Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

 

[shorty16]

Mikes Mom,

"I just want to go to sleep and not wake up."

I, too have said those words. Like Dee said, I did not want to kill myself, but the pain is so tremendous, I cannot imagine another minute like this.

We lost our 16 year old son, Brian on 6-19-2008. Life is now measured by "Before Brian died" and "After Brian died"

Please hang on.

You will not always fell this bad or be this exhausted. The sun will shine again.

Please be kind to yourself. It takes along time to understand this new life we have been given (been thrust into kicking and screaming is more like it).

We are here to give you hope.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[katibug98]

Susan~Thank you for thinking of me.  No, still no real lasting relief.  I've been referred to a tmj specialist in Phoenix.  I'm hoping to make an appointment for over Christmas Break.  I'm not sure if the girls have stars in their eyes or not. My oldest is kind of blah about the whole thing.  Rae is pretty excited about Christmas though.  I don't have a ton of support.  It seems as though my greatest support comes from my friends 'in the computer'.  My two closest friends here are busy.  One has moved and I sure wish she hadn't. She was at least around the corner.  And the other friend...just doesn't talk to me very often.  I have no idea what's going on in her life.  The last real conversation we had was in August...face to face.  My boyfriend is okay, but sometimes...you just need a girlfriend to help you out. 

 

Anywho...I'm so off.  I miss my baby.  I just have a huge Cora shaped hole that isn't being filled right now.  It will be 7 months without her tomorrow *today* the 6th.  Crying certainly doesn't make my jaw any better.

 

{{hugs}} indigos

[tobyfreefoot]

DEBBIE wanted you to know  i thought of you and the day the world was blessed with your boy

 

MIKE'S MOM AND CHRISTY B i know forest would never leave me either. the first thing my daughter said after the initial shocked sobbing was "at least he won't have to live through you dying, he couldn't do that" my mom said the same thing. crazy to think we take comfort from that but i would never want him to suffer this pain and he definitely loved me soo soo much.  i miss that love so much. i wanted to  scream & sob don't leave me at the funeral home but i had to spare my other children the sight of me completely crushed by grief. i am sorry for your pain but glad to hear your lives had the joy of that overwhelming love

[spbaker111]

Hi Everyone!!!  Just wanted to say how thankful I am for finding this site.  I read your stories and comments and they touch my heart.  We all share the pain and loss that so few people in our lives can understand.  I am new to posting, hopefully I will get better.  Our friends try to help, to listen, or just be there for us but our lives are so disconnected.  I could talk of my son all day long.  I can talk of the loss, the pain the emptiness constantly but the reality is we can't.  Holding on to it is exhausting.  Everyone here understands this.  No words are needed.  Thank you!!!!

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen.....maybe this is one of those 'coincidences'....but my daughter said the same thing to me....that John David would not know how to get over me passing......she said that a couple of weeks after he passed...(it is still hard for me to even wrap my mind and words around 'died').....'passing' seems more gentle.....

 

 

 

Katie....I do hope you find a Dr. or Dentist that can give you some relief....geez....have they made x-rays ? Have they given you an antibiotic in case there is an infection going on ?

    My GRANDdaughter ..Pibby is 11 now......I took her to the Brenham Christmas Stroll and Christmas parade last night...just her and I.....of course we met up with friends there.....and she is at the 'in between' age.....between 'the magic of Santa/the truth about Santa'.....I engage her and friends with making ornaments/candy/cookies.....nothing ornate...just to keep the creating spirit going...but we are so blessed with so many  civic and churches and organizations around here that have 'free' Christmas activities going on....and many small Christmas bazaars that sell things at such reasonable pricing....they can 'shop a lot' without hurting a bank account. She is now becoming quite the 'animal lover'....(I was horse crazy at that age)...so I am going to shine the spotlight on 'animals' this year.....there is an animal rescue down the road...Tru Blue Animal Rescue...and I am taking her with dog/cat/horse feed and let her 'volunteer'....we and neither do her parents need another pet....but she can donate her time ....I think young girls at that age need something they can expend their energy on..or they become 'boy crazy' too soon.....and don't get me wrong.....I think it is healthy for girls to be 'boy crazy' at some point in their teen years....that is normal to have a crush or two....

    John David simply doted on my daughter's children....and so they are dealing with the 'empty' chair...and missing that 'Uncle' that was the frosting on their cake.....

   of course...nothing like your girls dealing with the loss of a little sister....

As for support.....the reason I stay on this site is because I do not have a circle of friends who have lost a child around me...and it is 'that kind of grief' that I need a connection to.....one of those..'if they can make it....so can I'.....

    It does break my heart for some parents on this site who just need a 'little' help.....and there is none around them to give it....

[Mermaid Tears]