Loss of an Adult Child

[InHeavensKeeping]

Mike's Mum.... I know how you feel I keep feeling the same. My son loved this time of year as it was his birthday on the 26th November and then Christmas. He was my sole mate and friend. I can't stand him not being here. He was knocked over and killed on the 11th of September 2014.

I just want to go this is too hard. My heart hurts. I have this horrible feeling of dred all the time. Like I don't want it to be true but I know it is.

We go to my Son's grave everyday...... Are we wrong ... I miss him so much. ... I don't want christmas anymore and it's in your face everywhere happiness lights that christmas smell feeling

I think and pray for you all. God Bless everyone

Georgina. James mum xx

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

today was suppose to be a simple eye exam at the eye dr office... my eye lids have been irritated since my son passed away.. too much crying I know ...but I can't help it... When I had to explain why I was crying of course I started to cry all over... it was so hard to stop it ..I left and just waited in the car.. I just wanted to go home and I did...even driving home I saw a young guy who was in a black Mitsubishi with his hand sticking out of the window just driving and enjoying the wind going through his hand exactly like he used to do ...made me cry more .. it's like he is everywhere and I can't help it...I miss him all the time...I couldn't make it to just go buy groceries because I know how much seeing his favorite things will also remind me of him.. I know he is okay .... I just MISS him ... my heart aches... almost going to be 2 months since he left but not a day goes by where I am not thinking of him and wishing he were here...well not sick and still with us all.

I love you son ... I JUST 'Miss you' ......

 

hello to you all ....sorry I have just been reading more than posting my heart always goes out to each one of you especially when I read your words ....

[tobyfreefoot]

my "husband" brought home a real tree which my mom will probably be allergic to which is a problem. i helped him decorate it but cried the whole time. now i have to get ready fora company christmas party. i was doing well but it seems to be wearing off.  maybe the holidays

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Just want to "drop in" and say hello to all today. Wishing everyone a decent day...

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Just stopping by to say "Hello" to everyone and wishing you all a decent weekend. We all know how hard this time of year can be after suffering such a loss. To those that are new to this journey...please try to hang on with both hands and hold close to the fact that time is a great healer. I know that right now it may not seem like it...but down the road life will take shape again and you will find some of the happiness that you once felt was lost forever. Life does indeed continue to go forward.

 

Gretchen, sorry that putting up the tree was so difficult. I hope your company party will give you a chance for some smiles and a break from your sadness. I put up Jeff's tree and it too brought me to a place of reflection. I will say that I did smile as I placed many of Jeff's favourite decorations on the tree. Ours is not a designer tree, but one that is filled with years of baubles that have been collected from many different periods of our life. Each and every one has a special meaning that makes me smile as I open them up. Good memories. Happy times. They lit the Jeff tree at the hospital on Wednesday evening, but unfortunately I was unable to be there. It is now coming up to five full years since I last saw him. Our life has changed direction and many changes have occurred since his death. Both good and bad...as in health issues. yet we take comfort in holding firmly to the love we all shared and the certain knowledge that we will see him again. This was his favourite time of the year. And so we surround ourselves with all that is festive and I can honestly say that it does give us a huge sense of pleasure to see all of the bright lights, etc. The first three years were very different however. Slowly the layers peeled away and life took hold again. We all have to go about this at our own pace and in our own way. I will admit that hearing Christmas carols still brings tears to my eyes...and that is how it will always be. I have come to terms with that much. Sending love to all for a better tomorrow. Love, Kate

 

 

[Steve s mom]

Thanks for that post Jesse David's mom Steve always loved Winnie

[ericasmom]

Yes, thanks for Winnie the Pooh, always makes my heart smile Laurie.

How goes it? How is your Daughter doing? What about your parents and sister? Will your court date come up prior to the holidays? Thinking of you.

 

Prayers for my nephew Matt folks if you can...relapsed again, heroin. I pray that he find a way, a healthy way to live without the addiction. I do know that depression and anxiety have made heroin a go-to event when he is down. His Girlfriend broke up with him...BAM! He turned to heroin to numb out. Damn.

 

 

The full moon is bright and beautiful tonight. I took a walk earlier this evening and was delighted by the moon and the silver light she cast. Clouds kept moving across her face but she shone right through, reminding me again of the light Erica shines for me, and how I hope to reflect her glow in everything I do.

 

Gretchen I hope that the real tree does not affect Mom in an adverse way. I am not doing a tree but maybe next year for the Grandies. I did see a lovely tree today when I went to a shower for the soon to be wife of one of my nephews...the tree was so full adn beautifully shaped. I chuckled when I thought back to how many crooked trees I have had in my life.

 

Alwaysmylove, of course you are hurting, there is no way to avoid the pain of your broken heart, our health can take a tumble when we are in our deep grief so make sure you are keeping up with eating a bit of protein with each meal and drink plenty of water to replenish after a big cry. The wonder of how to live in this new life is overwhelming so all I can say is hold on and know that we are all here to help if we can.

[JD99501]

O_o anyone ever get the feeling something "broke". Its been 7yrs but recently I had that feeling like something "broke" I have been suffering even more than usual. The anniversary of Holdens death was the 19th of November.

[ericasmom]

Surreal, some things stay broken...but our soul and spirit can heal some, we are changed of course but we are still here and so my hope for you is to feel the purpose in your being. To feel the work that is here for you that can help that hole be lined with something softer and smoother.

I love the name you gave your Boy. Bless you Holden as you hold your Dad in love.

[dAd]

The full moon is shining brightly tonite, beautiful and sweet, full as my heart is of the sweet memories and thoughts of our precious daughter! today 17 months ago that bright radiant life was suddenly gone. 

And now starts the holiday season, waiting and longing for her to come home, hugging her at the door and preparing her favorite meal. We used to bake cookies together, decorate the tree and cook together those delicious meals; the house filled with laughter and joy because we were all together again.  

 

“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.” – Unknown

 

 

[Sailormom]

Prayers for your Nephew Matt, that is such a dangerous combo. I have been on a facebook group called TAM - The addicts mom and it is so enlightening and horrifying at the same time.  You and/or his mother should join us there, the support there is amazing for someone going thru the horrors of an addicted child.  It helps me get thru each day by reading the stories.  

 

Hope everyone is doing o.k with the upcoming holidays.

 

[daveydow1]

Hello to all INDIGOS.....Not much time to post today.  Just want to say that I

wish everyone some measure of peace & comfort as the Christmas holidays are getting

closer,..... and it is a very tough time of year. Missing our dear children who left this

world too soon is acutely painful.  How I wish there were words to ease the sorrow.

Hang on, my BI friends.......and wishing peace & blessings to all.

  

 

Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

[ericasmom]

Hi Sherry, I hope you are doing well. It is a gray day today and I just feel like going to sleep for a while though I have much to do. Report card time and all, plus the staff holiday party is at our house next Friday! Yikes.

 

 

Sailors mom, I will let my sister know of the website you mentioned, thanks so much. She is definitely afraid of course, it is hard to know what to do in this situation. Matt is 27 almost, he has had these issues on and off for several years now. It is so sad, such a daily worry. Again, Thanks.

 

dAd, yes, the moon is gorgeous. Holidays can be very very tiring, very hard to go through, be kind to yourself.

[Sailormom]

It is a facebook group, and has been a life saver for me since mine passed.  Wish I would have found it before hand maybe it would have helped me save him.  It made me realize how mind controlling that substance and a few others are in controlling their thinking.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....addiction is one of the most complex issues....ever. But the devastation to family and friends and the user is bottomless...once again.....just as parents on this site can 'help' and understand each other.....it will take someone who is a recovered addict to help your sweet boy.  I know you already know that. Once again...it takes one that walks in your shoes to reach the hand out.

 

 

Sailors Mom....some of the drugs out there in circulation are so intense....a person can take it one time...and the chemicals in their brain are altered...at once...after just one use. Beyond sad. Beyond horrific. I was just watching the news and the new synthetic drugs are so powerful....a person can take them one time...and overdose and end in death.

    I was watching a documentary...and cannot recall the name of it....but....we are putting the addicted ones in prison...they are victims..it is when they become addicted is when they will resort to crime to feed their addiction.....it is the drug makers/distributers that need the prison time....anyway....the program brought up many different ways to view the whole structure/problem. No easy answers to this very complex epidemic.

[Mermaid Tears]

Surreal....I have to agree with Dee...what a strong name for a son....Holden....I knew a family from my home town ..their last name was Holden...was that a family name ?

   You say you felt like something 'broke'....

when I lost John David....that was the first time I understood what the word heart broken really meant....it physically felt like my heart was broken...shattered.

[JD99501]

No. It seemed appropiate to call him that. Holden fit the name.

Something has gone wrong in my head. My personality changed some when they happened. Its like falling down a cliff unscathed then walking 100ft and then realizing your ankle is broken. Not being sure how or when did it break.

I have had a couple breakdowns in the last 6months. The recent one was the most unusual. Felt like I was part of a circus act for a day. Completly off balance, been wierdly in a fidgety state since.

[Mermaid Tears]

Surreal...it is very true that grief....can do great harm physically...and mentally....I believe our Warrior Mom..Becky...on this site now suffers from health issues because of how the grief...and then her fight for justice in the aftermath of her son...manifested in her.

 

I do believe that some parents have better coping skills....some parents have a strong circle of family and friends that support them....some have a circle within their community...their church...that gives them something to hold on to...

 

Some are just more social...and will seek 'help'.....

 

Some have a good medical Dr. to 'give them some meds/help' to get over the rough spots...

 

We all come from different environments...upbringing....situations...experiences....and I think that has a large hand in how we deal with our grief....

 

For me....just being on this site has been the most healing situation for me.....I don't have a circle of friends that has lost a child...and I need people that walk in my shoes....

 

Do you have a good medical clinic close by that you can go to with your symptoms ? I hope so....

[ericasmom]

Surreal, it sounds as though you are experiencing some anxiety attacks, which many of us have had and left without any assistance can increase or kind of catch you off guard too much. I go to a therapist and come here but I know a lot of folks that never had to deal with what you and all of us have had and have anxiety issues. Would you be able to talk with a professional about this? Do you feel that talk is helpful? Not everyone does, I do. SOmetimes we go through hormonal changes,(yes men too) as we get older and again, these things can cause us to feel differently and less able to ward off the blues. I am thinking of you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Surreal, I agree with the  other ladies. Is there a place you can go to get some help? A place where you can feel comfortable? I agree that losing our child brings us to our knees. We are left floundering and feeling as if we are adrift in a place unfamiliar. I am so glad you have us to help to hold you up. And that won't change. We are always here to listen. To give you a place that you can come and be understood at times like this. However, I also think you would be helped greatly in seeking out a one on one person that can offer further support by way of a grief therapist, clergyman, etc. I am really sorry to read that you have suffered further setbacks this past few months. This is not an easy road to walk is it? There are so many twists and turns and it can often seem as if life is not worth going on. I am willing to bet that many of us here on this site have experienced that very feeling at some point along the way. Slowly in time we begin to find our ground again and life begins to take shape. Nobody said it was an easy task. We have to challenge ourselves to be very strong. For our child, families, and also ourselves. I know you have that strength. You have shown it in the past. It is so very hard to keep going. Trying to find something positive to focus on to keep yourself active and busy can really help. When you are at your lowest...do not look at the whole picture. Just focus on the day at hand. I'm thinking of you. Kate

[ericasmom]

Good advice Kate. Good to see you tonight.

 

 

[flocicero]

Hi everyone, we decided to put up our Christmas tree, we have our younger son Chris with us & we want to honor Michael by doing what he loved best, Christmas. This was such a special time of year for him, for all of us; his birthday is coming up Dec 20th; this will be so hard. I've been so upset the last few days, all of my special ornaments that we've collected over the past 37 years are missing. We still have a house in WI & I'm praying that I somehow just forgot that box there but I'm sure I took everything. I have a treasured white Santa ornament that Michael gave me in grade school. He asks me every year if that is still my favorite ornament & of course it is. Losing that will be so heartbreaking. I put up stockings for St nick, have done that for my boys for the last 30 years( yes I spoil them terribly); I made a special ornament for Michael & put it in his stocking with a Christmas letter to him.

I've been feeling sick to my stomach quite a bit lately, my husband is feeling worse & wonders if he'll ever get better. I feel like I don't deserve to get better, why should I when my baby can't be here? My husband has a hard time seeing his pictures but I keep them close & kiss them every night; it's been 10 weeks now.

Georgina, I feel like dying everyday. We buried our son in our home state of WI ; we moved to Indiana almost 2 years ago but we know we'll go back home some day. I can't visit his grave everyday but if I was there I'm sure I would be there daily too. My family that lives in Wisconsin visit him all the time, he's never alone. I feel dread & panic all the time, I still can't quite grasp that I will never see him again. Sometimes I'm calm when I think of his beautiful smiling face & then in the next second I'm freaking out because I won't see his face again, not ever!!! I hate everything right now but I'm trying to be good for him.

Thinking of everyone & wishing a peaceful Christmas

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate and Dee....I do hope we threw out a life jacket to Surreal.....to keep him afloat....

     I felt just like that when I 'was guided' to this site that night....I really felt like I was 'floating' and going down...down...down...my human boat was going down for the 'umpeeth' time....and all of the parents on this site threw me a life jacket to keep me afloat til my legs were strong enough to find shallow waters....

 

 

Mike's Mom.....we are a very brave group of parents....and you are, too.....we are surviving this kind of grief like no other...

     I know it is hard to 'zombie walk' through the holidays....keeping traditions in place....for we have living children that need us....yes....just as much as the child that passed....

   Life is for the living....

The first Christmas after losing my John David....I said I did not want to put up a tree.....I thought my husband and daughter just fell through the floor....they were so stunned....

and then she said....'Mom...John David died....I didn't'....

    Many of us do have other children that need to learn and live in a way to carry on....

  It is a mixed bag....

      I do hope you find those 'priceless ornaments'.....I have the same ones, too.....those made in school...by those little hands....Neiman Marcos does not have an ornament that is more priceless to me than those....

     I know it gives your heart comfort to know you have family to go to his resting place...

Grief can cause many physical and mental issues.....that is why we tell parents to 'self care'....drink fluids...walk around in Mother Nature at least once a day.....I do believe that grief is like having a case of flu...for the first year....for grief is so exhausting....one can barely walk around the block.....or have enough energy to brush your teeth.....

    Men and women grieve differently.....my husband had to have a quadruple By pass Open heart surgery....9 months after losing John David.....watch your husband closely....

[spbaker111]

We all handle our grief so personally.  It has been two years and I am finally feeling some anger. I still can not feel anger directly at what happened.  I find myself getting angry over petty issues.  I am so sensitive to everyone around me.  I feel like no one really cares but reality is I know people care.  Just can not stop the feeling of hurt, the wanting to feel angry at anything and anyone. Its almost like you want to punish yourself.  To isolate yourself from friends and family to prove that no one cares.  Why is that???  

[ericasmom]

Shauna, it is so interesting that you bring up anger and that you are at the 2 year time. My therapist kept asking me if I was at all angry at Erica, which I was not. Oh don't get me wrong, in life Eri and I tussled over everything, she was oppositional when it came to education from the age of 3. But in the accident, she was following the law, though she did not see the train coming to the broken crossing, it was on a curve, that she did not hear it???well I know how loud she played her music, so once she turned left she was on the tracks, too late to do anything. Anger stemmed then to AMTRAK and to the township. At the two year mark I felt so much emotion spill through me, like poison almost. I remember that one day I could not sleep and got up at around 4:00 AM and began listening to the same song over and again for two hours, just sobbing. The song by Neil Young says:

I want to see you dance again, because I'm so in love with you...and somehow that song and Sugar Mountain: you can't be twenty on sugar mountain...just was my undoing.

 

Anyway I digress. I just remember that my anger which was always directed at AMTRAK and KALAMAZOO began to dissipate after that day, though not totally, I still despise the lawyers from AMTRAK as they attacked my Daughter's character in a deposition, but I needed to get back to simply (nothing simple about it )grieving my Girl. I think that we find ways to live more secluded because we know that we are changed forever and we don't always want the chit-chat of others lives, it seems trivial, but eventually we find a place in the lives of others. My grief is mine, it is now a softer thing, it is a piece of my life with Erica and I protect it next to all things sacred in my heart.

 

I think that the anger comes in when we try to answer WHY? I learned early on that the question to answer that moved me forward was HOW? How to live anew? How to live in HER light? How to honor my Girl? How to be as good a human as I could?

[spbaker111]

Dee,  Thank you for sharing your story.  Our stories are very similar.  My son was in a crosswalk when he was hit.  The truck driver was not paying attention.  We as well went thru hell with lawyers, depositions and even having Ken's girlfriend watch the video over and over again of the accident.  Just horrible.  Anger I know is healthy but I seem not to be able to place it anywhere.  I think of Ken crossing that street and wonder as I am sure you have a thousand times did he hear the truck coming.  He was 3 feet from the curb.  Was he not paying attention.  We torture ourselves.  You are so right about not wanting the everyday chit chat.  Our lives have changed. Our personalities have changed.  Just wish I knew what the end result will be.  Until then, thank you for reaching out to me.  It helps more than you could ever know.  Knowing you are not alone in this new path in life.  I love the  words you wrote about focusing on the How and not the why.  We can never change the past but we can honor our children by focusing on the how.

 

Love to you!!!!!

[Mermaid Tears]

Shauna.....the first thing I think when I wake up is...'What will I do without you?'......

as the day progresses....then I think..'What can I do for you?'

My John David...

 

I had the instinct to 'cocoon' for the first year...I cancelled every civic and social commitment and event.....

I own my own business....but that is not a '9-5'....I never turned my back on my business/responsibility....

 

anger has as many different shades as grief...anger can be a catalyst...and some kinds of anger are good...some kinds of anger are normal in certain situations...

    I think when parents are dealing with 'the Big Boys' in seeking justice for their child....and they are shoved up against the wall with lawyers...courts...'big money'....and the system seems to be against them....I can see where the anger can erupt into a burning flame...and one can get the feeling like the world is against them. That kind of anger can burn for a long, long time...and even burn holes in a person's heart...persona....soul. Many parents on this site has had to deal with those issues when they were also dealing with their grief. I have to say I really respect those parents that have to walk that path...and come out holding their soul and spirit.

    We do change...and we are changing....and I have to say I still 'cocoon' to a certain extent....the trivial chit chat...the 'I don't want to lead the parade anymore'......the comfort of my home and walls where I can lick my wounds on my own time..is what I choose now....it is simply a part of my survival.

[ericasmom]

Shauna, our situations are similar and I am so sorry for what you have had to face. I knew the WHY of Erica being killed was never going to be answered, not until we meet again anyway, so How seemed a reasonable way to live.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I agree with Dee says, especially the reference to "we don't always want the chit-chat of other's lives, it seems trivial"

 

Too, I think the manner of death can play into the anger level dramatically. We are still in trial, the next court date is Dec 17...my son is dead because of an extremely inattentive stupid person who gave no thought of anyone else in her life....

 

For me, it cycles around as to what the anger attaches itself too...I find myself having very little tolerance to certain things -- the small careless conversation can be an irritant, (like one older woman I know who mentioned to me how she knows of someone who has had three child deaths...so  I thought, so what exactly are you saying here(??), her implication was pretty obvious -- but I managed to smile politely and gently reminded her: "Now do you remember what a total basket case you were from your divorce the first 2 years???" (and she was)...she got real quiet real fast ....so I find myself staying away from others to shelter my inner core...

 

I don't feel bad for my anger, it is what it is...I know from the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Life Transitions and Death workshops she ran for many years...that expressing and releasing anger safely was part of the program...and there were those there who would offer unconditional love in place of the release....like cleansing an infected wound....

 

******************

 

Shauna, it looks like the dates for our sons and their ages are similar... I think of the ordinary task your son was doing at the time, just crossing the street like he has done how many times in his life...

 

My son was just driving in to his morning doctor's appointment...10 am, beautiful fall morning... when someone ran him over in his own lane on his motorcycle and "didn't even know what she had hit" quote from a newspaper...

 

 

I don't know...one is just going about their normal routine and then they are gone...I just don't know...

[spbaker111]

Susan,  I too tend to find comfort in my home too.  The need to cocoon is constant.  I find it so difficult to spend time on everyday chit chat.  I can hold up for small periods of time then I just have the urge to bolt.  To run away.  The anxiety starts to build.  It really is a catch 22.  We all need people in our lives but we as survivors of such a loss can not participate as we use to. The toughest part is the flip comments like  "well at least you got thru the first year".  The first year you are so numb, so in shock and denial, you have no idea what is going on.  I want to just say that now, after the shock, after the denial, when reality sets in is when we need the most support.  We have lost ourselves.  We have no idea who or what we are.  I feel that some maybe most of my anger stems from this. My life that I had is gone, nothing is the same but everything around me is.  Anger at the present, the future and angry as to the life I have to rebuild.  Rebuilding that life with a shattered heart.  Along with this, the support system wears thin over time, nothing has changed for them but we are at our lowest.  Feeling so alone in this battle of survival. I dislike myself for feeling resentful towards my friends and family as they enjoy their life and celebrate the holidays with such joy.  I try to find the most petty things to feel anger at them.  Not good.  It is not them that I am angry at.  I am angry at what I am left with and the pieces left behind.

[spbaker111]

Laurie,  I hope your next court day comes and goes quickly for you.  Horrible.  I pray your son will be by your side.  I am sure he will be.  The last hearing we attended for our son was out of state.  We needed to stay overnight in a hotel.  The morning of the hearing I left the room to get a cup of coffee. As I was returning back to the room my phone autodialed my son's cell number.  I have not once dialed that number since the accident.  I know in my heart he was there.  He wanted to let me know that we were not alone.  You will not be either.

 

 

Thank you for your words.  No apologies for the anger, I need to remind myself of this.  Yes, we do need to shelter our inner core. Its all we have....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I was going to post this before but hesitated because this piece of writing uses the imagery of being on a train. So I hope Dee, if you need to, you don't have to read...but thought some of the underlying ideas in this excerpt from this grief book mentioned by EKR was very descriptive as to the stages one finds themselves, especially for me at going beyond Year 2....

 

Also Shauna, " I can hold up for small periods of time then I just have the urge to bolt. To run away. The anxiety starts to build. It really is a catch 22"

---Wow, can I identify with that...I am having a lot of trouble with feeling like this, always needing an exit strategy, I am  not so sure others are noticing or not and I think there is a potential for misunderstanding in this...

 

In regards to your phone call...I believe that. The night Jesse died, I had a text message on my phone, said "Thanks...Jesse" it was in the line where normally the number or name of person would be...and the text message of course was not attached to any number....I  have never had a message like that since or ever....

 

Thanks for the kind words...

 

************************************************************

Excerpts from book I have been reading on grief...I do not believe I would have been ready for this any sooner as there was so much to process...

 

I would like to offer a reading from a book by Verena Kast, whose work was recommended by EKR and used in the workshops…she is a grief therapist who used Jungian dream work to help people through grief (also a method used by EKR)…

 

The book uses a series of dreams by a client, Elena, who lost her husband George suddenly and unexpectedly. I saw myself in some of the imagery of the dream:

 

[beginning of Elena’s dream about her deceased husband George]

 

“George (the deceased) writes me a letter. He asks me to visit him and names a train station on the border as the meeting place. I meet him. We are in a train together with others. At a certain place we must all climb out, only George may and must travel on. I attempt by means of the highest authority to arrange that I might also go on, that I might travel with George – but to no avail: the authority wants nothing to do with me. Tenderly, we say good-bye – I feel numb. Now I have to find a train to travel back. I search endlessly, running from station to station.

 

All night long I feel like l have been searching for the right train. Then at some point, I find myself in a train that is going back. There are a lot of people in this train: I am afraid of these people – also, there is no room for me. I end up between two train carriages and wake up completely exhausted…”

 

********************************************************

Elena must now separate even more radically from George, but this separation takes place via a meeting. In this contact and the separation required in spite of it we see the entire paradox of this phase of mourning: we must occupy ourselves with the deceased. It is essential to let the positive feelings for them be felt again, to keep on experiencing the bond which again and again brings temporary respite from the difficult searching process. The separation announces itself in the meeting place specified by the dream: a train station on the border. Once again, a border must be crossed. At this border crossing George must go further than anyone else.

 

The dreamer would like to share the journey into death, the journey into the Hereafter, with the man she loves. Elena feels at this time a very strong pull toward “the other side” – not that she actively would have wanted to end her life, but rather that she was incredibly indifferent to danger. This too seems to be a typical characteristic of mourners, at least in the early phases of mourning.[10] What value has life for her now that the loved one has died? It seems to me also to indicate the shock to one’s identity: what will my life be worth after this loss?

 

 But in the dream Elena was sent back. It was difficult enough for her to find the right train, and at first, she did not want to go back at all; she wanted to prevail upon the “highest authority” to let her go with George.

 

 But Elena must turn back at the border. The return trip is difficult. In the dream Elena feels unsure of the other people around her. That is the way she feels in reality, too. The time in which friends could help her in her mourning is past. Elena does not venture in this phase to ask for further support; she realizes that she must, in the end, come to terms with things herself. But she doesn’t come to terms with them. She is occupied with death, with questions that deal with life after death.

 

Messages in dreams about George are interpreted as information that he is sending to her from that world on the other side. Because of this preoccupation, she develops a strong yearning for the Hereafter and, to a great extent, neglects contact with the living. But the dream now refers her back to the living.

 

She still finds no place among them: she finds herself “between the carriages of the train,” again in a transition, but the train is nevertheless returning. This longing for the other side, the wish to die too, must be sacrificed.

 

She must let George go, she must let him go his way, a way which will lead ever further away from her own path. Her path leads in exactly the opposite direction, but she must go her own way. She will meet George, find joy in this, accept the parting, and then mourn. Only then can she make the separation. This seems to be a sequence which reveals itself repeatedly in the mourning process: the memory of the deceased will again come to life, and pleasures will be re-experienced, along with anger, fear and grief.

 

Kast, Verena (2011-08-22). A Time to Mourn: Growing through the Grief Process. Kindle Edition.

[Mermaid Tears]

thank you Laurie...my dream world/vision has been so rich...so vivid...complex...here lately....I wake and mull over the drehttp://youtu.be/Es2s2UL-6Ecams...here is something for all on this site.....I can only listen to it when I am alone....

[Mermaid Tears]

[Angel Boy of Mine]

 

[ericasmom]

Going to bed, sorry I did not listen to the song yet Susan, I will savor it in the morninghowever.

Laurie, you are so cute. You never have to alter or worry about what you print here for me. Trains are part of life, and Eri and I loved the sound of trains, still do actually. Odd hu? The other night I got up at 4:41 to use the washroom and upon my return I waited till my clock said 4:44...that is the ERi time, that is the time I always had insomnia throughout my adult life, before she was born. It is the time mySis Eileen always was awakened by insomnia, and even my niece Kari too. Eri was born on 4-4-84, those three 4's in. So I figure all of us waking at 4:44 had to do with the Girl that would later come into our lives. So every time I look at a clock and it is 4:44 I smile and say hi to Eri. So that night that I got up, i returned and said Hi Eri, and then a train horn, loud and clear, a tooooooot, tooooot. I smiled, she was tucking me back into bed. Another long tooooooooooooot, and good night Erica Angel.

[Mermaid Tears]

I THINK....

 

you....Dee....and many other parents on this grief journey.....make us feel a part of you...

[Mandy's mom]

Hello everyone - I went through a rough time and stayed a way for a little bit. I just came on and haven't had time to read yet.

I have been thinking of everyone and hoping you are all doing ok.

My friend called yesterday and asked if I have a tree up. I do not wan't to but if my son asks enough I will give in. My friend was clueless when I told her I was sad and don't want a tree. She talked to me like I was stupid not putting a tree up. I guess unless your going through it you really don't get it.

I'm not sending Chrismas cards either. I am not happy and not going to pretend I am. I get out of bed everyday and face the world and that is enough for me right now.

[spbaker111]

Mandy's Mom  - Susan,  You lost your child not even three months ago.  Putting a Christmas tree up is one of the last things on your mind.  I learned the hard way of putting up boundaries.  We want so desperately to continue our lives as we knew it.  We cling to friendships that we know deep inside ourselves can no longer thrive.  What ever helps you in your healing, whatever gets you through the day, sometimes hours, is all that matters right now. Surround yourself with those who support you. Some people just do not have the compassion or understand the magnitude of grief you are feeling.  You need to protect you and that is ok!!!!     My heart is with you.  

[Mermaid Tears]

Mandy's Mom....all the parents on this site are on the same page as you.....as Dee has said....'the fact that we live one more day after we lose a child...is fact enough how very brave we are'

      You are on the grief journey now....and it does not come with a map or compass....it is dark at times...and we just have to feel our way in the dark...and take baby steps.....and sometimes you will take four steps up...and five back....and sometimes...you will just 'camp out' and not go forward or backward.....and that is ok.....

    It sounds as if you have hit a real rough spot....and we know....there are many.

You just do what ever you feel is right for you at this time.....you are the 'Star' of your movie....you are your own 'heroine'..in this book....

    You and your son...your family....decide what 'should' or 'could' be done during these dreaded holidays...I say dread because when one is grieving a child....'dread' hangs over your head....like a black cloud following you around.

      Having 'grief' and 'Christmas'...is not for sissies....

And you are right.....unless someone is walking in your shoes....they have no clue to this bottomless pit of grief.

      It is 'ok' to be sad....in fact.....for you....if you were not sad....I would say that would be abnormal.

We have so much 'hype' around us ....we have it all in our face...'how we should be during the holidays'....it is intimidating to see the lavish decorations...the music and smiling faces.....

      but that is just commercialism....you know...they make the movies..commercials in the summer for the Christmas season...and if there should be some 'sad' movie or TV show.....it always has a happy ending....and all is wrapped up with a red bow...

   but there is no happy ending when one is on the grief journey....but there is a way to survive...and to learn to carry your sorrow...and live with it.....you simply go through it.....you don't get over it.....we all hold each others hands on this site...

      I know what it is like to stare at the big box of decorations.....and simply have no will to put them up....that is 'ok'..just put them away..there will be another Christmas....and then you will have enough time for healing and strength to decide what is best for you and your family.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....thank you for sharing the 4:44......I will wake up at 3.....insomnia was my best friend for the first 2 years...now...it comes in cycles....

 

 

We have our front yard decorated.....I have done 'some' decorating in the house...I have not pulled 'all' my boxes out...I have not put up a tree yet.....but....I will.....(for the family)....for tradition.....my 'will....spirit....heart' is not in it....but I can go through the motions....

 

I saw something on the CF FB page....it went something like this:

     When people tell you that you should not grieve so long because you have other children...then ask them...'what child could you live without?

 

Very good.....for many parents have to deal with that.....

[Mandy's mom]

Thank you Shauna and Susan

 

I was very down last night when I posted and your replies helped me.  Shauna I understand what you mean about the friendships.  I have found I have shoulders to lean on and they do not judge me and just there for me.  Then I find others are avoiding me or trying to push me along.

 

Susan I like how you describe moving along.  I feel I was camping out for a while and took some steps backward. 

 

I will probably let my son  get his "real" tree this weekend.  Maybe he will find some peace having a tree up and it will help him get through the holidays.  He doesn't talk about it much.  Yesterday he said he misses Mandy and it is so sad.  Usually he does not want to talk about her and I know he is dealing with this the best way he can. 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mandy's mom, whatever you need to do for Christmas and any holiday -- do whatever is in your heart to do -- there are no rules here when surviving grief other than to take good self-care...

 

Susan, thanks for the Ray Charles song...I listened to it last night...he was such a classic kind of guy...my dreams tend to be much more vivid now...I am always watching to get a glimpse of Jesse in them...and I do at times...

 

Dee, it is good that  you are able to view things that way...just wanted to be sensitive as I know it was Eri's cause of transition...I liked the story of 4:44, Erica Time...there are some numbers that seem to play a role it would seem. I am wondering about your nephew...said some prayers for  him the other day...

 

Becky, it is good to see your post...are you feeling any better with your shoulder?

 

Gretchen, also, I remember you said there was some health problems...are they settling down any?

 

Sherry, thinking of you today...do you have any special holiday plans?

 

Colleen, how are things with you? wishing you the best this season...

 

Shannon, sending prayers for you today...

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Surreal (JD), as I skimmed your information on your profile, I agree, there are very few places that one can truly share their most heartbreaking experience...and their truly sad moments...

 

My friend, Lori, from my previous workplace had her son, Scott (age 24),  pass away in March of 2012....seven months before Jesse. Her son also suffered from an unknown heart condition he was unaware of, so it was very sudden, unexpected death. He and his family lived less than a block away from her and her husband. Scott's wife left the room just briefly to go outside to do a quick chore, left him with his baby girl in his arms...just like that when she came in he was gone. Baby girl still held in his arms. I don't know why this is, the timing of a death, so sudden...

 

Thank you for coming here to share and for reaching out even when it is hard. Some days are so very hard. Sending warm thoughts and peace.

[daveydow1]

Dee----Yes....it's a busy time of year, and all the things we have to do, and places

to be etc. can cause a certain amount of stress.   I felt myself getting stressed,

and had to tell myself to just take a step back and take it a day at a time......that

all these 'important' things may not be all that important.  (I go through this each

year)....and find that most of the stress is due to thinking that I want to be able

to meet others' expectations.  However, .....as in the past, since Davey died, it

becomes necessary to let a lot of things go....all the stuff I used to do....baking,

cards, decorating, and all.  Somehow it all seems to work out anyhow....and

time goes on.  Hope you're able to get good rest and relaxation in this season.

 

Surreal----Sending thoughts & prayers, and wishes for peace for you.

 

Laurie----No special plans for the holidays....maybe one get-together at relatives

on my husband's side. That's about all.....see my older kids.  Do you have special

plans?  Just remember to rest enough, and try to keep it all in balance.  Take care.

 

WISHING PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Suzie1228]

Well as Christmas approaches I just do my very best to stay positive and get through one day, really one hour at a time. Brad has now been gone from his physical body for 3 months now. His birthday is Dec. 28 so not only am I facing  Christmas but the 1st birthday I will not be able to  hold him close and give him a birthday hug and kiss. I guess some of you will think I am bonkers but ever since his death I seem to receive messages from him. His name keeps coming up on my sisters cell phone and when my good friend who knew Brad almost since birth came to visit me on Thanksgiving, the minute her car pulled into the driveway her phone beeps and the message said, Hi, Brad changed his facebook page and his picture came up on her phone. No one else received this message and his facbook page showed no signs of foul play. Maybe its is just wishful thinking on my part but there have been other  things as well. It actually lifts my spirits and I don't feel afraid or alone. Has anyone else had these kind of experiences? Please tell me I am not crazy. I have started a journal telling the story of my life with Brad. It seems to help and sometimes makes me laugh at all the crazy things we did together. It keeps him alive in my heart. We were a mother and son who had great love, respect and friendship with each other.

[katibug98]

Susan~No x-rays.  Nothing. They've felt my jaw, but that's about it.  They found a tmj specialist in the PHX area, but the doctor is off the same two weeks that I'm off for Christmas break.  It's a 2.5 to 3 hour drive...one way!!  I don't know what I'll do. So...tmj + sprained ankle a couple of weeks ago + today's fun...STREP throat!  My boss is SO happy with me.  Is there any correlation between grief and low immune system?  In some ways...I wish they gave grieving parents a year off without having to worry about returning to work.  The stress is more than I can bare right now.  I did nothing but sleep all day yesterday and today I'm exhausted from walking from the car to the pharmacy counter. Bah!

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Thought that some might be interested in our day in court yesterday..... this is where the driver that hit and killed my 15

 

year old son has since charged my daughter with the false allegation of stalking and harrassment.

 

We went to court yesterday, and Jasmine was offered a three year unsupervised probation,and no contact order for that

 

same period of time; as the judge told our attorney that if she went for the jury trial and lost he was prepared to give her

 

5 years in jail!! Then they allowed that bitch to stand up and talk about how "all this" had affected HER life, crying and

 

saying that we continually were a threat to her and to her children!! OMG, I thought my husband, Jerry would come

 

unglued!! We are considering appealing and going for the jury trial, which would cost us around $15,000.

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Well as Christmas approaches I just do my very best to stay positive and get through one day, really one hour at a time. Brad has now been gone from his physical body for 3 months now. His birthday is Dec. 28 so not only am I facing  Christmas but the 1st birthday I will not be able to  hold him close and give him a birthday hug and kiss. I guess some of you will think I am bonkers but ever since his death I seem to receive messages from him. His name keeps coming up on my sisters cell phone and when my good friend who knew Brad almost since birth came to visit me on Thanksgiving, the minute her car pulled into the driveway her phone beeps and the message said, Hi, Brad changed his facebook page and his picture came up on her phone. No one else received this message and his facbook page showed no signs of foul play. Maybe its is just wishful thinking on my part but there have been other  things as well. It actually lifts my spirits and I don't feel afraid or alone. Has anyone else had these kind of experiences? Please tell me I am not crazy. I have started a journal telling the story of my life with Brad. It seems to help and sometimes makes me laugh at all the crazy things we did together. It keeps him alive in my heart. We were a mother and son who had great love, respect and friendship with each other.

 

Suzie, you might be interested in Bill Guggenheim's book Hello From Heaven with his former wife, Judy Guggenheim. This is a very well documented phenomenon and I know there are many reports from the bereaved on this.

 

Here is a web page of an interview with Bill G. on Afterlife TV with Bob Olson:

 

http://www.afterlifetv.com/2012/08/22/hello-from-heaven-the-12-types-of-after-death-communication-with-bill-guggenheim/

 

If you own a kindle or have the application on your laptop, you can buy the book for $5.99

http://www.amazon.com/Hello-Heaven-Research-After-Death-Communication-Confirms/dp/0553576348

 

In my own family, there has been clear evidence of this. So I do believe we go on, just transition to a different state of being.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky.....I just read your post.....

and I....this far away in Texas....

feel as if someone hit way below the belt....

 

for one thing.....what proof did she have to take to court ?

you can't take someone to court on hearsay...did she have to prove anything ?

 

can you and your family just move ??

That may sound like a cowards way out....but I am thinking of Jasmine....and what hell that woman can do to her....

She has already murdered your son...

I know you are upset....and frankly...I am, too.....

this is beyond twisted....