Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Maryanne....love that poem....but I have to think of her that wrote it....what loss did she have that could have touched her so deep that she could then bring it forth with words....

 

Dee....thank you for sharing your poem again....for the new parents have not read the heartbreak you felt...and you brought it forth with words...I have copied all your poems....

 

Gretchen....you hit the nail on the head of the 'guilt' a parent feels when we are not powerful enough to save our child...we were always Super Moms...I, too, read everything...especially EKR....searching for answers to my questions....only to find out....I ask the same question....have not found a magic word that will answer it...of course....we 'search' for that child...

 

Mike's Mom....my instinct was to 'cocoon'....and I still 'cocoon' to a certain extent...but at the beginning of the grief journey...please know how physical grief is...it is so heavy...and dark...for me....I went into a kind of hell on earth...so please don't ask too much of yourself at this time....I just wish all grieving parents could pole vault over the holidays and land feet first in January....I do believe that everyone grieves in their own way....as unique as your child was unique...and the relationship to the child....Aunt..Uncle...Brother...Sister...Nephew...Niece...friend....each comes from a different direction

[tobyfreefoot]

dee your poem is lovely and catches those feelings too well known to us all

 

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wow, did that poem by Millay ever say it all...I find myself here so much of the time...

 

.....And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.....

 

 

Gretchen, I think the same thoughts, how could I have left him that Saturday before he died, I was supposed to be there and protect him...perhaps these are not rational thoughts, but if sheer Mom-love could have saved, I know our children would all still be here...

 

Mike's mom, it is so  hard in the beginning, just to take care of yourself is something that will be a challenge in itself...

 

dAd, thank you for your thoughts, without this group of lovely people here, I am not sure where I would be today...

 

 

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Mikesmom...Francesca------I ,so, know what you mean. You are so early on this

rough road of grief, and in those early times.....one cannot imagine that they

can endure all the pain, heartache, and suffering that flows over you like a

rising tide. Also.....you must be so very tired. Grieving is such hard work.....

and it can be very exhausting.  Try to rest as best you can....and take care

of yourself.  It's so difficult for you right now....I know....I'm sorry.   Peace to you, friend.

 

Dee----thanks for your poem. It sure is true----the feeling we get that

"home" is not home anymore....and sometimes feels like a foreign land when we

are in the early times of this journey.  Thank goodness it gets softer with time.

BRRrrrrrr-----It's not quite that cold here, but still colder than usual for November.

And the wind............Just keeps howling....too cold to walk...for sure.  

 

Becky----Thanks for posting JD's writing. It is very heartfelt and insightful for

one age 13.  He stated some very valid points, and expressing his frustration

and sadness that things could not be more equitable for all people. Bless his heart.

 

Gretchen----Thanks for the pics of the eagle's nest. Must be great to observe it

for activity.

 

 

Susan----

Your're getting an early start to all the holiday cooking !   Such nice

pics you posted of all your loved ones.......all beautiful young people.

 

Katibug-----I sure hope that the doctors will soon find out what is causing all your

pain, .....and that you will get relief very quickly.  Peace to you.

 

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[flocicero]

I want to thank all of you for being so supportive. I read posts often, don't always have the strength to write. It gives me hope that some day this will be more tolerable. I get up in the morning & tell myself "today I will be strong"; but I usually just fall apart; today I screamed in my car all the way home from work. How is it possible that I will never see my beautiful boy again; it's so empty here without his laughter & smiles; if I could just sleep until this was over.

Dee your poem is beautiful; describes what I'm feeling

Francesca -mikes mom forever

[ericasmom]

Hope Everyone is as well as they can be...Francesca, falling apart in the car to and from work is not weakness, it is strength actually that you know that you can release in spurts and spits. Anyone that lives one day beyond their child is stronger than most, not that we want this claim, but please, you are not weak, you are a newly grieving parent. In my thoughts, newly grieving covers at least the first year, but I would say the first three. It is sometime in that 4th year that many find new ways to live, not all of us, but many. So don't be so hard on yourself, there is nothing easy about this new place you find yourself, twilight zone. Time takes on a whole other characteristic and loses the basis of what time used to mean. Time stops and then it continues even in our darkest hours. It is an abstract. The holidays are going to drive many who are new, to wish that they never heard a holiday song, or saw a decorated tree...I know. Somehow though, especially if you have young ones at home, you work to make the holidays work for them. Eventually you will design some new customs and find new ways to mark the times. I promise you these things or I would not say them.

 

Sherry, we got into the mid 20's today with that same howling wind and sunny thank heavens. Anyone way up in Buffalo area, I am praying that you have food and water and can wait out the trucks to come get you out of the snow packed houses and cars. Be careful.

 

Lora, are you affected by this big snow?

Betsy? You?

 

Becky, I love that letter by Jared. Did you post it early on in your grief? I feel that I had seen it before. Every word he wrote is true. He was an old soul.

[Steve s mom]

CHANGE OF ADDRESS
By Donall Dempsy

You didn't die
you just changed shape

became invisible
to the naked eye

became this grief

it's sharpness
more real

than your presence was

before you were separate to me
entire to yourself

now you are
a part of me

you are inside my self

I call you
by your new name

'Grief...Grief! '

although I still call you
'Love.'

~Dónall Dempsey

[Mermaid Tears]

Maryanne....thank you so much for sharing these poems that lay a hand on our hearts and says...'that is so true'...

 

 

 

Dee.....you posted to me....when I just got on this site...'any parent that lives one day longer than their child...is the bravest and strongest person'.....those words seemed to seep in....and then allowed me to bend and go into my grief...

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....I see all the snow and more snow our Northern States are getting....and there you sit....WAY up North....so...sending out a hello to you and Ross and hoping you are keeping warm and safe....I saw on the news that many roofs were collapsing..and I wonder how the folks can get to a grocery store or drug store....is the power on ?

   Anyway Kate....I miss your postings...

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Susan, I have been reading,but not posting lately. There are many new people on the site and I am so sorry to read such heart wrenching posts that depict just how I felt five years ago. How familiar it all is to see the stages we have to endure. I can only hope that those who are new to the site will take comfort and hope in knowing that there is happiness and peace after a period of time. One day at a time is all we can ask of ourselves. I do know that with the American Thanksgiving and Christmas just around the corner that it will  be a difficult time for many. My wish is that you are surrounded by loved ones and take comfort in their support and attention.

 

We have been fortunate that the snow escaped our area completely. So far we only have a slight dusting. A far cry from last winter. Buffalo has taken such a hit and I sure hope that folks will take every precaution to stay safe and warm. I am thinking of everyone both new and old to the site and sending love and prayers for a better tomorrow. Love to all, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Great Kate.....to hear all is well in your Northern Home....we had freezing temps for 2 days....now we are getting some blessed rain...and it is 70......such is South Texas.....

   you...and so many on this site were here to catch my falling star....when I was the 'new' grieving parent...and I knew then...that I wasn't the first....and I would not be the last parent caught in this hell on earth grief journey...

   it still is a wonder to me....that I was looking something else up on the internet that night...and was guided to this site...for I would not even know 'what' to search for.....for I have never wanted to be in 'chat' rooms....the word 'indigo' was not in my vocabulary.....but this site has been 'heaven sent' for me...and I am still so raw around some of the edges....time does not heal ....but I have learned to carry the grief and missing and longing and innate chaos better....

 

Holidays are dreaded for me this year....even more so than the last two years....I think I was on auto-pilot....but we will muddle through someway....

 

The one thing that I think was such a bittersweet emotion for me to balance was......I have so many blessings...and I know that.....and then I have this grief......days and nights of keeping it all in focus......I would feel guilty for having such grief in the midst of so many blessings....I still struggle with it all.....but I know I will keep seeking that niche to be between grief and grace...

[daveydow1]

Mikesmom---Francesca----This site is a good place to come....to read posts,...and to

post,.... but only when you feel up to it.  Many of us have had times when we would read posts,

but were not able to write posts of our own, .....not finding the strength to do so. Some

have just taken a break from the site altogether....possibly returning when they feel

they want to. After my son, David, died in 2003, I came to this site and just read the posts.

I wasn't up to posting.  It took quite a few months to feel I could post my words. There

are no requirements or expectations of those who come here to this site. In this early

time after your son's death,  it is so very hard to even face each day,...I know.  So, just

try to take care of yourself.  Peace to you, friend.

 

Dee-----Weatherman says there are warmer temps on the way....Yay! People in Buffalo, NY

will have a big job digging out after 7 ft. of snow.  News said that roofs were collapsing, due

to the weight of the heavy snow , sometimes as deep as 4 ft. Yikes!  I feel sorry for the people, and all of the

rescue crews, police, and utility workers. My brother lives in Syracuse....I have not heard whether

their area got that much snow or not.

 

 

Stevesmom--MaryAnn----

Thanks for posting the poem....words are so true.

 

Kate---Good to see your post. I'm glad to hear that your area escaped the heavy snow.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[daveydow1]

Poem for all our ANGELS.

 

 

My candle burns at both ends;

It will not last the night;

But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends,

It gives a lovely light.

 

       by  Edna St. Vincent Millay

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi I am new to this site. I lost my son on the 11/09/2014. He was knocked over and killed by a massive lorry. He was the most special caring loving person you could ever meet. The life and soul! such a happy beautiful young man. Why? He loved life worked hard had never done anything wrong. Just tried really hard and cared about everyone. I can't stand this pain. I feel like I don't want to be here anymore either. Because this can't be right. It doesn't make sense. I loved him so much we did so much together He understood me and always told me that he would never leave me. James was only 30 years old .

I don't know how to write how I'm feeling. Raw, numb, devastated, heavy, broken".....

[Mermaid Tears]

In HeavensKeeping....so glad you finally found this site.....we are all here to hear you.....and broken is a word that does describe a grieving parent.....and another word is shattered...our hearts shatter....please read some of the old posts...many parents on this site has lost a child to a sudden accident.....some have lost their child to cancer....having to stand by their bed and with arms and hearts full of love...see them slipping away....some have lost their child to suicide....and then the question of 'WHY' becomes an anthem....a banner they wear across their broken heart....it is a hard grief journey....but here we can hold hands with other parents....we walk in your shoes....you are in a place where you will be understood....and you will have understanding.....tell us more about your boy....and about you.....Peace to you.

[flocicero]

InHeavenskeeping-Georgina; I'm so sorry about your son. My son was also only 30 years old & the light of my life. I've been on this road for only 8 weeks & I know exactly how you are feeling, numb, raw pain, devastated. You will find support here, it helps to know you're not alone. Come back & read , talk about your son.

Sending you love

Francesca -mikes mom

[ericasmom]

Susan, I love those two quotes that you posted. Beauty in the different view points. I know that the third year makes clear the foreverness of things and yes, in the midst of so much good, there lies this heartache, this missing at the table and empty chair during the holidays, everyday. That you see the goodness all around tells me you are finding the grace that lies somewhere, tenuously, in the midst of the days and nights. I think that we can be tightrope walkers then, swaying in the highs and lows and strung between the different factors in our lives, trying to tend to all that we need to tend to while carving out a little time to simply  make room for the necessity to grieve.

I wish we could rename our site here to what it was named before: Beyond Indigo...beyond the deepest of blue.

Loved your photos the other day I am very glad that Tay is on the mend.

 

Kate, yes, five years ago for you, 11.5 for me. Here we are. I am glad that you were not on the receiving end of all of that snow. I too worry about the folks stuck now for 4 days in their homes and unable to get out. How is Ross doing? Will the Girls visit during Christmas to see Grandma and Grandpa?

 

Francesca, look at you reaching out to a new parent here, how wonderful of you to be able to do so. It is in this act that we find we are healing in tiny increments, because when we do things for others, we tend to find our strengths, we tend to find our way.

 

Georgina, I am so sad for you to have lost your Boy. Your Boy was the age my Daughter would be had she lived through her accident. She died 11.5 years ago when a train hit her car at a broken crossing. Finding us here is a great way to be connected to those who get what it is you are going through, and what you will go through. Hang on to this life, we are still here because we still have some work to do. Please come back adn tell us about your Son and about you.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, beautiful poem, thanks. Yep, our lights burn bright for them, and their lights shine on for all of time.

I hope your brother is fine, the snow that pummeled Buffalo is amazing and dangerous. Now they will be dealing with a fast melt and flooding, poor folks. It may get to the mid thirties here tomorrow but ice on the ground in the Am first.

Be well and stay warm.

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Sweet Dee......I remember when you posted to me....'look at you....reaching out to others'.....

 

I felt a lifting of my downed feathers...

 

maybe...just maybe....I could 'reach' out to others....when I was in a well....a very down well...

 

you know where I am now.....

 

you know when I post words....I try to 'write' to myself...for healing...

[tobyfreefoot]

sherry--that poem is on my aunt's tombstone and was also in the "program" or whatever they are called at forest's funeral.  my aunt gave me "collected sonnets"  and "collected lyrics" when i was very young.

 

i have always loved this one, little did i know that the last part was going to describe my life one day.

 

When I too long have looked upon your face,

Wherein for me a brightness unobscured

Save by the mists of brightness has its place,

And terrible beauty not to be endured,

I turn away reluctant from your light,

And stand irresolute, a mind undone,

A silly, dazzled thing deprived of a sight

From having looked too long upon the sun.

Then is my daily life a narrow room

In which a little while, uncertainly,

Surrounded by impenetrable gloom,

Among familiar things grown strange to me

Making my way, I pause, and feel, and hark,

Till I become accustomed to the dark.

 

maryann--i really like that poem.  don't believe i am familiar with the author.  thanks

 

Francesca--i'm sure i am suppose to be past this part but i still find myself screaming in my car

 

 

 

[tobyfreefoot]

sherry--that poem is on my aunt's tombstone and was also in the "program" or whatever they are called at forest's funeral.  my aunt gave me "collected sonnets"  and "collected lyrics" when i was very young.

 

i have always loved this one, little did i know that the last part was going to describe my life one day.

 

When I too long have looked upon your face,

Wherein for me a brightness unobscured

Save by the mists of brightness has its place,

And terrible beauty not to be endured,

I turn away reluctant from your light,

And stand irresolute, a mind undone,

A silly, dazzled thing deprived of a sight

From having looked too long upon the sun.

Then is my daily life a narrow room

In which a little while, uncertainly,

Surrounded by impenetrable gloom,

Among familiar things grown strange to me

Making my way, I pause, and feel, and hark,

Till I become accustomed to the dark.

 

maryann--i really like that poem.  don't believe i am familiar with the author.  thanks

 

Francesca--i'm sure i am suppose to be past this part but i still find myself screaming in my car

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Sherry and Gretchen for sharing those poems.....we need a little poetry in our lives to help us find a rhyme and reason.....

 

Crying and screaming in the car.......seems to be a common thing we do.....for me.....I could scream...'JOHN DAVID'....the same way I would when he was in the back yard.....or upstairs....and then......he would come to me.

[daveydow1]

Georgina----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, James.  You have found a good and

active site, and you are welcome here.....although I know it's a site that no one ever

wants to be a part of.  Your loss is so very recent, and the pain, sorrow, and heartache

you feel right now is so very raw. My son, David ( age 31), died 11 years ago....also killed

by a huge truck which hit his car in a override wreck.....the driver sleeping at the wheel.  I agree

with you....one wonders why these tragedies happen.  I hope that you will come back to

this site  (formerly called Beyond Indigo......many of us still refer to it as that),  and read

and post as you feel you can.  Everyone understands your sorrow.  Peace to you, friend.

 

 

Dee-----

There was freezing rain this a.m.---roads were very slick with a film of ice. And..

of all times, I needed to go to my dentist which is 35 mi. one way. It was very tricky

driving there, but by the time I left the dentist's office, the temp. had risen enough to

melt the ice covering off.  We were so glad.  We saw several cars in ditches on the way

to the dentists. It's to get warmer by tomorrow, I guess.  As luck would have it, I have

infections in two teeth....on antibiotics. One has to be pulled, and the other needs a root canal....ouch!

(physically, and financially  )

 

Gretchen----Thanks for the poem you posted. Yes...we do have to find our way with  "familiar things grown strange".

The poem says so much of all we feel.  I always like the Millay poem that your aunt has inscribed

on her stone, and noted at your dear Forest's funeral. Only a few lines, but it says so much. Peace to you.

 

 

WISHING  PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Mandy's mom]

Today is my son's birthday.  He turned 18.  I tried to make it special and we went out to eat.  I am a wreck.  It is so hard without Mandy.  I know he could sense that I was upset.  I feel so alone.  My husband deals with it in his way, my son in his way and I am dealing with it in my way.  I am so lonely in this grief.  I have never felt so alone.

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh gosh, let's focus on the positive you accomplished today. You managed to hold it together to focus on your son and his special birthday. GOOD FOR YOU! It takes a ton of courage and inner strength to do what you accomplished today. Please try to give yourself credit for how hard it was under these circumstances. That takes a lot of guts. Having said that you are drained and exhausted. It is completely understandable how you would feel depressed and hollowed out so soon after her passing. Mandy would be so proud of you for showing such strength. I know this is beyond more than any parent should be asked to do.You have a son that loves you and also needs his Mom. Today you stepped up to the plate and put the focus on his special day. That was a hard thing to do under the circumstances given how soon it  has been.  You have him and he loves you. I know it is hard. But he is here and you can all offer each other comfort and support. One day at a time. Be patient as it takes ages to find your ground again. It will happen.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mandy's Mom....I so 'ditto' all that Kate has shared with you....it is so hard...but you...like me....I have sons and a daughter..in this earth home....I have GRANDchildren....and.....I will simply NOT let John David's passing put a mark on them....we will celebrate..and remember....but his DEATH cannot touch the beautiful and pretty parts of their world...like now...Hunter Bear and his football team going to the play-offs....the stars in the eyes of my small grandchildren....John David would smack me down if I ever did that...for sure...we in this earth home are for the living....

[Mandy's mom]

Kate and Mermaid Tears

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Mandy would want me to continue to be happy and live life to the fullest. She loved her brother so much and she would want him to be happy. It is just so hard!!!

[ericasmom]

I agree Mandy's Momma, nobody in the family feels as they used to, it will take time to find out who you each are in this sad time. I assure you, you will find a new normal, but it takes time and it will take your allowing your grief. Each of you feel so alone right now and actually, you are. I don't mean that to frighten you, I agree, we are so alone in our loss, you as Mom, and each of the others too in their grief. It might be good to voice that for them, so often young ones who lose a sibling cannot start the conversation, so fearful of making you more sad, also not sure how to even discuss the ache. But sometimes just acknowledging that while you all miss Mandy so much, each of you spend time alone with it. There is a great book written by two moms who lost children called, The Worst Loss. Also I read a lot of memoir and I love one called Paula by Isabelle Alende, a recounting of her own daughter's death. I also read Name All the Animals, written by Alison Smith, and it too is memoir written from the sister of a boy who died suddenly.

 

Gretchen, I love the poem, thanks so much for sharing. Lovely.

 

Sherry, I am glad that you made it there and back safely. Sorry though that two teeth have infections. I had my tooth pulled a few weeks ago. It did not hurt in part due to the fine work of the oral surgeon, and also because 12 years ago, I had a root canal on that tooth so there was less pain involved. I did not have much pain with the root canal either, but I was nervous with both procedures. Rather go to the gynecologist.

I will go back to the oral surgeon in another week to have the start of building some bone in my missing-tooth-space, and then have an implant. From what I gather, it is a few months before it actually gets put in.

 

I was able to play for a few hours today with my Grandgirl, I took her to the indoor playground. We had fun, then out to lunch. I sure do enjoy days like this. THen this evening husband and I went to babysit for the little ones. Erica was already in bed but Michael was up and smiling most the time. So wonderful.

[Mandy's mom]

Dee - thank you for the book recommendations. I am going to start conversations with my son about Mandy. That is a great idea and he might be afraid to upset me bringing her up.

I am glad you got to spend time with your precious grandchildren.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....am guessing you wore your 'Baby Movie Star' out.....but you got to have some prime time with 'the new little man'...I love to have the GRANDchildren to myself...and those times renew our spirits in a way like no other...

 

Katiebug....how are you doing ? Tried to call my son...he was in surgery every time I called....do hope you get answers and some relief...

 

Sherry....I do believe the dental technology has advanced so much....and we are spared the hurt and pain of yesteryear's..do hope all goes well.....and you can enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner...

 

Mandy....I think it is up to us....the parents....to open a conversation with our other children....it can be tricky....I knew my adult children were devastated....the GRANDchildren were teary eyed....Tay bawled the whole Memorial service...I could only gather her in my arms and rock her and pet her....her sobbing could be heard all over the sanctuary....the truth is none of us could fashion a declarative sentence concerning John David....it was weeks and weeks after that I had a private conversation with each of them....just a between me and them....and even then...there was nothing profound exchanged. My husband had quadruple open heart surgery about 9 months after we lost John David.....it was then....when we were all gathered...we could say some small references about John David. It is like not talking about the elephant in the room. I don't want my children to think we can run away from the tough situations in life....my son, Jesse said..'we knew if Mom could make it..we could, too'...I do believe in my family dynamics...I want to be an example to them of someone seeking to find the balance and niche between Grief and Grace.

    But I so agree with you.....we are alone in our grief...and it is such a hard kind of grief to lose 'that child'...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....I saw this on the internet....and thought of you....and your 'swan story'.....

[ericasmom]

Susan, Mandy's Mom, I am glad that this might be something for you to approach. Do not be surprised if your Son shuts down and is unable, many are, but the door stands open for him, and that alone will offer some hope. There is so much the siblings deal with, survivor guilt being one. Why her and not me. All I could say to my Son and remind myself in early grief is: we are here, we have work to do, we have to live in her light and stand where she no longer can, live our best lives. It takes time, it just does. All of grief is a process and it is a non linear one at that.

 

Susan, you bet we wore each other out which was great fun. And yes, little Man was a smiling wonder last night, just cooing and seeking and grinning, and right before his parents got home, he fell to sleep. Such a sweet little one.I do believe that you do make a huge difference for your family Susan, the work you do to seek balance is example to them all to persevere, to allow your emotions and to live as best and joyfully as you can.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Susan for the pics of the swans...I was looking up the meaning of spirituality and swans and found this to be of interest because the swans did sing while flying over the cemetery:

 

"The swan was seen as a traditional symbol of beauty and grace in ancient Greece. At the time, the people believed that the swan sang a sweet and beautiful song when people died. The swan song was supposed to be the most beautiful song the bird had ever sung, since swans aren’t known for their singing."

 

Mandy, it was a hard day to get through the first birthdays...my grand daughter and my youngest son had birthdays about 3 weeks after Jesse passed...we got through...

 

Sherry, sorry about your tooth...I had one of my back teeth pulled too, I think I was grinding too hard and it just broke the tooth...Dee, I don't know if I would rather go to a gynecologist instead...I would have to think about that... 

 

Becky, how are things going with your shoulder?

 

Kate, good to see your post...

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

On quiet days like this I miss you more... I still think as I drive home of how all I have to do is get off the ramp where the hospital is to go see you because that's really where you are... I dreamed with you last night even though it was when  you were 17 you quickly passed by as you mumbled something I was happy when I woke up because I got to "see you" again. It made me happy for even just that moment. I wish I could dream with you every night so I wouldn't feel so alone like this...

I always think back as if you were a special piece of hand blown glass...so fragile and precious to me... that somehow you started to head down as if you were falling...I tried to reach out to you in slow motion as if to stop it all and yet as much as I ran and tried I couldn't catch you from falling and only got left with the broken pieces all shattered all over the floor in my hands. There I sit and just cry and my heart breaks to have remembered all of the pain you felt for over 2 years ...and how now your just gone. It's think of it all and it plays like in slow motion ....and then it's over just like that... now it's quiet and there just no more you.

 

I KNOW YOUR OK and yes I tell myself this many times.... I am SO glad and thankful for the first time in almost 3 years you feel NO PAIN...I can't even begin to imagine what that was like... I guess as your mom I always thought you'd be there for me too grow and go on with life as it does for so many other 22 year olds... I thought one day I would see you raise your own babies and be proud of you like I am already.

I love you son and not a day goes by where my heart doesn't cry for you ... I love you my strong, big hearted baby boy ...I miss you!

[Sholl1955]

Hello to all.  I am sorry to see all of the new people here.  But you have come to a great group where we all "Get it"  I am sorry for your losses and the approaching holidays make it so much harder.  Just take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.   One day it will become softer, but that takes a long while. It will happen though.  I know that right after my daughter died I did not believe it would ever get easier to navigate through the ups and downs of this dreaded journey.  But we do.  We have too there is no other choice, and there is no wrong way to do it and everyone's journey is different.  But the members here will be with you and help you through those ups and downs.

 

Finally, after nearly 3 years my son in law has put a stone at Sarah's grave.   I thought it would be hard to see it, but it wasn't.  It brings me peace for Sarah that it is there.   It acknowledges that she did live, have a family and is remembered.  He had several pictures put on it and it is beautiful.   I took pictures on my phone but don't know how to send them.    I am just so thankful that it is there.

 

Wishing all a restful night.

 

Sandy

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Mandysmom----Oh,  I agree that Mandy would want your family to be happy...

especially on your son's 18th birthday.  I can so understand your feelings of

loneliness.  Often we can feel lonely even when there are others surrounding

us.  Each one who grieves must deal with their own personal feelings. It's

good that you are talking to your son about Mandy's death.  It may take

some time for the dialog to open up, of course, but you are on the right

track.  Peace to you.

 

Susan----- John Davidsmom----I won't be having any dental work done before Thanksgiving,

since I will be on the antibiotics until the end of Nov. Then I will be starting

the process in Dec.  Thanks for the screen shots.....such nice words.  Yes,

it's true....sometimes we just need to have someone 'there'.......not to fix

things....just to be there.

 

Dee----You said that you had to have a tooth pulled that had previously had

a root canal.  What was it that made it necessary to have it pulled?  Just

wondering.....I have several teeth with root canals,....and hope that none of

them will need to be pulled. That sounds like some extensive dental work

that you are having done.  I have so much money wrapped up in dentists

bills  . Oh well,.....it's good that they are there when we really need them.

Babysitting for Erica & little Michael must have been so nice.

 

Laurie----Thanks for the info about swans.  They certainly are lovely creatures.

They used to have some of the birds on the small lake at a park in a nearby city some years ago.

In due time,....they were all killed by vandals.  Too expensive to replace them,

so now it's just wild ducks & geese there.  No more can we gaze upon the

lovely swans as they glided across the water.  Such a site to see.

 

PEACE    AND   TRANQUILITY    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

    

[alley0018]

I have been reading everyone's posts and feeling so sad for all of you as well as myself. Some of what's written is exactly what I am feeling. I am here in New York having driven here from Florida and feeling so detached from everything and everyone . I feel like I can't express how I am truly feeling to most everyone . Holidays I am going to turn into a robot and mechanically get through it. Another year passing And my

Girls are not here! Everyone is coming to my house and I hope I don't freak out and panic and shut down. Even though I am

Not writing much I am reading truly understanding everyone's pain.

[ericasmom]

Laurie, I love finding the symbolism too, of birds and animals that may have to do with our Children. Swans are lovely, don't see them much anymore. Some were hanging out at the slough many years ago, they had been moved there by the forestry department from a golf course. About two weeks later, I found one dead. I ran to get the naturalist from the field house, but there was nothing to be done. I think that they generally mate for life, like so many birds, so the male was left to himself.

 

Sherry, I think that my tooth went bad from all of my grinding too, like Laurie. I grind, and while I will have a new mouth guard made, I wish I could just stop the habit of grinding. Good luck on the teeth, is there a schedule made as to when?

It was fun with the kids and they came by today for dinner and some play time.

 

Marsha, I don't know if  you told us about your Son, what happened to him and why he suffered so much...you may have and my brain did not hold it as there are many new folks here, or maybe you haven't told about him as of yet. Either way, your pain is clear and boy, do we get it. I am sorry for the loop that shows you his struggle. I had that repeating loop for a while but had to change it or I could not get to a place that allowed the sunlight in my life. Therapy helped and this place...also I changed what I did physically each evening when I walked, I either called someone I love to have conversation so that I would not be able to replay my phone call with Erica the night she was struck, or I would ride my bike instead changing the level of concentration needed. Anyway, I broke the cycle and when I feel it creeping back in, I find new ways to end that right away.

 

Alley, I wondered how it would be for you to be back in NYC...sounds like you are hurting and why wouldn't you be? I hope you just keep reading and sharing when you feel up to it and hold on, remember to hold on to us.

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

Marsha, I don't know if  you told us about your Son, what happened to him and why he suffered so much...you may have and my brain did not hold it as there are many new folks here, or maybe you haven't told about him as of yet. Either way, your pain is clear and boy, do we get it. I am sorry for the loop that shows you his struggle. I had that repeating loop for a while but had to change it or I could not get to a place that allowed the sunlight in my life. Therapy helped and this place...also I changed what I did physically each evening when I walked, I either called someone I love to have conversation so that I would not be able to replay my phone call with Erica the night she was struck, or I would ride my bike instead changing the level of concentration needed. Anyway, I broke the cycle and when I feel it creeping back in, I find new ways to end that right away.

 

 

 

Thanks Dee, 

I did mention some about my son when I first got here in the beginning of the month. My son had bone cancer and suffered for over 2 plus years almost 3 with always having constant pain. I just lay him to rest less than 2 months ago on Oct 9th. I am trying to have different routines and I even finally moved back into my room which my husband and I had given him since it's the master bedroom to use while he was with Hospice. I don't see him there like I used to everyday in his hospital bed ....it's slowly everything has to be done slowly.... He was my first born my oldest of 4 ...his lil brother misses him terribly and my two daughters... we all I think grieve on our own. I think they don't want to see me cry but they can tell when I do and I know they grieve in secret too. 

 

thank you for your words...I read a lot more than I post but am grateful to have found this site to where whatever I post or feel it's okay to say ...or post ... I 'know' each one of your no matter how it happened where not whole anymore with them gone ..

 

<3

 

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Marsha, and I apologize for not remembering, I just have been too busy to keep everyone's story in tact. I do remember now, and I remember when I read of  your Son that i hate that he suffered so with that pain, that horrible pain. And for you guys to love him so dearly and not be able to change the course of his illness, it eats you up. I am glad for the change in some routines for you...that is important for so many of us. I know your kids are hurting, oh it just is such a helpless feeling for our other surviving children.?Is therapy, a few group sessions an option for the family? Are your other Kids getting any assistance in school? There are many good books for us to delve into but less so for the siblings.

I remember I wept when I heard this analogy; when we lose our Child we lose our future, when a sibling loses a sibling they lose their partner to their lives. That saying makes me so sad but it is so true.

[Mermaid Tears]

Marsha...and Alley..I have to believe....as in Faith....being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see....that there has to be some very sacred kind of Grace for the parent that has to stand by the bed....watch your child suffer...and slowly slip away from your arms ....

    it must be a holocaust of Hell on earth....to have to go through that....I have learned there are many shades and layers of grief....

      On this site....the common ground is the grief...of losing a child...

then....we have parents that come to this site and they have different kind of memories to carry on this grief journey...

 

There is no hierarchy of death when a parent loses a child...just as it doesn't matter if the child lived 2 hours...2 years....10 years....16.....20....or 50.....they are still your child.....

and we have to live through this grief....

 

Marsha....and Alley....and many on this site.....I did not have to go through what you had to ....I think that can change the grief journey you are walking....I wrote this some time ago....I don't know who has read it or who hasn't....it is just something I can offer up from one grieving parent to another....

[Guest]

.

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Lora....I feel like I had a visit from an old friend.....good to hear from you....and hear about you.....I, too, change every year.....I was thinking this morning that when we start on this grief journey..it is like someone handing you a 40 lb. bag to carry...each moment....and grief is heavy.....it is hard to carry it because it is dark..ugly...cumbersome....and we are so clumsy with all the unbalance in our lives...and then with time....we learn how to carry it...how to fit it in to our daily lives...how to balance the dark and ugly with the blessings of our lives....how to fit it all in with our other children...how to move forward and take it with us....

a learning process...

and we are a grieving parent in progress..

I love the celebration of Cara's 21st birthday....a shot glass....how fun.....for Cara is 'Lights.. Camera...Action' kind of shining fun gal....and she would not expect anything less from her Mom....going to the  movies sounds like a good thing.....

for some reason.....I dread the holidays more this year than the other two.....but we will muddle along someway....

[katibug98]

Mermaid Tears~I'm okay.  The doctor is 99% certain that it is TMJ, but dang it hurts!!!  He gave me a muscle relaxant for at bedtime along with some hydrocodone.  He also wants me to see an ENT.  Lots of fun in these parts. And to top it off, I fell and sprained my ankle last night.  Is there ever 'normal' again???  Sheesh!

[daveydow1]

Alley0018-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your daughters, Christina and Jennifer.  Yes,...I

agree, that the holidays can be very stressful.  Sometimes we seem to just go through

the motions at holidays.  I hope you can come back to this site.....everyone understands.

Peace to you.

 

Marsha----As you say.....everything has to be taken slowly.  There is no hard and fast

'rule' for a timeline for grieving.  Each one must go at their own rate, and everyone is

different. The grief journey is a personal and individual road.  Don't let others tell you

how to grieve.....take the time that you need.  This site is always open to anyone who

is grieving the loss of a beloved child.

 

Dee----I'm not scheduled for the dentist who will 'fix' my tooth yet, but the lady at the

specialists office is very helpful, and will fax my regular dentists office for all the

info on the tooth that needs the work. She is very nice, and assures me that she can

get me an appt. in Dec.......( I told her my dental insurance expires the end of Dec.)

Then.....the other tooth has to be pulled.  ...so that will have to be done too.  Did

your tooth cause a lot of pain.....is that why it needed to be pulled?   So nice that

you're having a nice family dinner.

 

Lora----So good to see your post. Glad your kitties are doing well.  My kitten is now

7 mo. old......still in her 'crazy kitten' behavior stage.  Jumps at anything that moves etc.  

 

 

Katibug----

I hope that your meds will help. TMJ....OWW!.... I know that it can be quite painful.

I had a bout of TMJ once....several years ago....the meds helped me. Hope that they

will do the trick for you.  Peace to you.

 

WISHING  COMFORT  AND TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

   

[tobyfreefoot]

lora! good too see you and know you are doing well.  my new medicine has helped so much.  though it causes me some physical discomfort it is worth it.  at first i was bothered thinking i would now just go on living and leave him behind but i am working on how i now proceed and i think it is what he wants.  i love him so. i know he doesn't want me to be so broken and i think i am going to be able to live again with him with me always. it is new to me but i think it will be better i just kind of need to take some time to figure it out. 

 

i also am wondering if people that don't suffer from clinical depression eventually get to this point without help.  i have been on antidepressants for nearly twenty years.  i needed them much earlier than that but didn't know (also medicine advanced a lot in that time) just wondered if this feeling better is just chemically induced or did they finally get my brain chemistry adjusted to what regular people feel? this is a new medication that has been hard to get use to but is supposedly more able to get things in balance.

 

for thanksgiving we are going to the buffet at my mom's retirement village.  two of forest's friends that have no where to go are coming and my miserable ex husband (forest's abusive stepfather) is coming because my children will be there and since his mom died he has no where to go either.  needless to say my mom, my partner and i aren't thrilled but what are you gonna do?  forest would want me to include him considering the circumstances so...

 

the evening after madelyn's 3rd birthday party.  looks like it was a success huh?

[InHeavensKeeping]

It's James BIRTHDAY on Wednesday. He would have been 31. How am I going to stand it I miss him so much. I don't want to be here anymore. This is too painful. Why

[tobyfreefoot]

georgina--i am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son.  my son turned 31 this year also.  he was killed along with his girlfriend when he was 28.  she fell asleep at the wheel and hit a parked semi in a rest area at 67 mph. it is so so very hard these first years.  the first months are almost unsurvivable.  we understand the terrible weight in your soul and shattering in your heart.  please share more about your son when you are up to it.  i have found being free to talk all i want to people that get it helped me so much.

 

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

I know your kids are hurting, oh it just is such a helpless feeling for our other surviving children.?Is therapy, a few group sessions an option for the family? Are your other Kids getting any assistance in school? There are many good books for us to delve into but less so for the siblings.

 

I remember I wept when I heard this analogy; when we lose our Child we lose our future, when a sibling loses a sibling they lose their partner to their lives. That saying makes me so sad but it is so true.

 

 

Thanks Dee it's ok no worries..I know there are so many of us on this site. I think for my kids it's a little harder on them because all 4 have been home schooled all their lives which means my kids have always been the little 4 pack ..they are all 3 years a part and were together all the time literally. They are all very close and always have been.

 

Your analogy is so sad but very true.... especially they way I ended up having my kids... I had two boys first then my girls ...my boys have always been each others best friends and my son Jesse who is 19 now feels it the most.. he's lost his best friend, father figure and his partner in life. Their dad was not there for most of their lives especially since 2005 when we divorced.. my oldest is the ONE who helped me raised my kids and was the BIG brother to each one. He even watched each one be born and come into this world. It's hard on me as it is but I can't even tell you what the kids feel...I know they hurt but they are not acting as such...they are trying to carry on and keep busy with school work. My son Jesse has a job and girlfriend I think if he didn't he'd be in worse shape. 

 

We haven't discussed therapy as of yet...we all still talk of him at home in daily conversations and always remember things. There are pictures in my house still and one big poster size one that was at his funeral that we keep as a memorial to him. As a family in the past two years there wasn't much time to do things together other than going to the hospitals and taking turns staying with him when he was doing treatment...so now we are trying to BE together and spend more time even if it's just playing uno cards after dinner....

 

 

 

Also thank you Susan (mermaid tears) for your post <3 it HAS been a hard journey and it's still continuing unfortunately ... just without him now..

 

 

Thank you Sherry ... I practice your advice all the time..never let anyone tell me how to handle my grieving .. it's a lonely road for sure..

[Mermaid Tears]

Georgina...hope I spelled it right....yes....we parents that have those marker days...and we all remember the day that angel fell off a cloud and fell into our arms and hearts....it is a bitter - sweet day for sure....please just be very kind to yourself and do anything....to bring you some comfort....if you re-read old posts....you will find all the ways that parents remember their child' 'Birth-day' and their child's 'Angelversary'.....many light a candle...many have many come around to talk and remember....many have a solitary celebration....

    it is hard...and we are here to hear you.....what ever you do...it is your 'child'....and we are all here to hold your hand...