Loss of a Mother

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH:

I do the same thing..... I can be fine for a little while (or what I think is fine), make it through a day and then those feelings of reality rush over me again. It had been several weeks I went without crying and I began to think, this is weird, I'm not normal, I'm not missing her enough. What's wrong with me. Then the next hour I can be in a checkout line at the grocery and see a little old lady and it hits me like a ton of bricks right there, I'll choke back tears, remembering my many, many trips to the store with my Mother.

I just had my first dream about my Mother this last week. It was a strange one. I guess sometimes maybe our subconscious plays out our emotions in dreams. I don't know.

How are you physically doing Joseph? Are you still working out? I got bad news from my doc yesterday with my back, says not to exercise for a while. I don't just have one bad disc (bulging), but three. He gave me a shot of steroids and anesthetic in this BIG needle, in my spine at the source of my pain. I usually have a pretty high tolerance to pain, but I cried. It was just to much. So my exercising is out for a while. I go back in two weeks.

He said that lifting and pulling while taking care of Mother for those last few weeks, following the fall I had at work, probably aggravated the symptoms. So oh well, I'll deal with it.

[clittlelady]

LITTLEBUG: Thinking of you. Hoping your okay.

CHARSMOM2: I'm thinking of you as well and new addition to your family. I now your very busy now. Take Care.

JENNY: Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Miss Ya! Wanted to tell you, I guess the lawsuit is on with my Brother. Do you know what he had the nerve to tell my attorney? First he lied and told him he had three degrees in engineering (in his head). Told him he had served in Vietnam (never made it, dishonorable discharge, couldn't stay out of the stockade, kept going AWOL) Told him HE (Okay, I'm real hot at this part), provided most of our Mother's care!!!! AND, that my other brother and I stole her money!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh help me Jesus! I had to introduce him to her sitters at the hospital! They will be called to testify as to the fact that they heard my Mother say many, many times that HE took money from her and HE owed her and wouldn't even come to see her OR return her phone calls. He is such a low life, piece of white trash who is a compulsive lying, alcoholic (let me see, am I leaving anything out?) God this hurts so much. I can't believe my Mother put me in this position with him. I've got to say, it hurts so much. I can't believe this has to be resolved in Court. Not only that, but this is where I work, people I know and see everyday will be involved in MY family Woes. But I just can't let him get away with taking money from me, when he's already taken so much from Mother and used her. I hope I get through all of this without really physicially trying to rip what few hairs he has left on his head, OUT.

Feedback??????

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hello all my friends, I thank God for you. You guys are the only one's I want to have contact with. I have a few days to wait it out before I can see a counselor,with the weekend and all. I am in serious trouble here emotionally. Doctor says my coping skills are only at 25%. I must pull out of this for my grandaughter. She needs to know and remember who her mother was and how much Michelle loved her. I have an appointment with a lawyer for grandparents rights. Need to get strong for Michelle and Kaili. Love, Dee

[tara12]

DEE AND EVERYONE HERE , thank you for being here , you are sanity in a world gone selfish ........ seems to me........

DEE , yes , u will get through , if u must do the anti dperessants , do them , sometimes they help , though they take a while to kick in....... if you can ,t ry the things like baths and walks , music , mediatation , massage , cups tea with friends , crying to loud music , writing , whatever , but also try try try , to out positive thinking to contaract the pain and loss , like tell yourself , I am strong , I am deep , coampssaionate , ect. tell yourself that the universie loves you , talk to yourself with these things , they REALLY WILL HELP STOP THE RUMINATION AND overhwelm, ... of course , at toher times , u just need to feel and go into it and be mad and sad and all that , but ifit gets toomuch then try cahnge your mind to other places , like a favourite place , somewhere you felt and feel good in and imagine it and go there and feel love ...

oh i wish i was there ...............

me , i am struggling too........ a lot ...... more than i am saying here , cause i just feel so much for dee a nd all of u right now , but i will say i am not doing well and things feel very hard on all levels , and i have also become ill ........ and not sleeping .. and need to seea dr .. i was fever and really acute ill last week and i am so tired and the whole family thing is more than I can cope with ..... esp now my dad , its awful and hard and hurtful stuff........ and people never ened in surprising me in their selfishness......

my neighbour , who shares the land with me , after agreeing when she moved in to mowing the from lawn outside her place , has now asked me if i wouldnt mind doing it as well.... when I alrwady have my own section .... and its like , is she measuring it with a tape measure to see if mine is a bit smalle or what > i tell ya .... she agreed to it when she moved in , damned if i am gonn do it for her to MAKE HER LIFE EASIER , damn , she knew I had just been in bed for 24 hirs really ill , like on the verge of needing hospital and she knows what I have been through and is ten years younger and we had just had a whole conversation where she asked me if i could work out how to do less as it seemd i had a lot on my plate ......... and then does that ? like go figure

i lost it , i told her i thought it was stingy ( means mean and tight ) and that she seesm to measure everything and I felt i gave and it was pretty much a one sided thing , like she is happy if i give , but makes not much effort ot do anything ... and basically i felt it was unfair to ask and my ect... i probabaly got into it tooo much , said too much , but bad luck........ next time i see her , i am just gonan say , u know ,u agreed to this when u moved in and i think its really frsutrating you now even think we should change it , and i think your timing was insensitive and i want us to have a nice vibe lving here , and hope u wont now be mean , but i really do not think its fair and i think you should stick to what you agreed to ........ what do people think\

I was so MAD , SEEMS SMALL , I KNOW , BUT I HAD BEEN SICK AND i also had finally felt like i had got some rest and was recovering and she did that and i got so angry and agaitated and immediatley felt like i couldnt sleep again and have been thinming about it all night . cant let it go .....i think its cause its just triggered everything abotu how selfish and mean people , some people , not all people , but some , can be.\\ i want to move now.......... ahhhhhhhhhhhh

anyway , be well everyone , lets hang in and make it , i want some fun and joy back in life i WISH SO MUCH FOR THIS FOR US ALL.......... IN TIME HUH , IN TIME

[deewithgreeneyes]

Tara and all of you, please on't put your grief on this message board because of me. We all came together to support each other at our times in need. I am still here for all of you. Grief is grief, pain is pain, loss is loss,life changes on a dime.

[tara12]

dee , no i dont mean it this way , I meant that i feel so much for you , i feel more focused on wanting your wellness and happiness than going on about my stuff , yes I have stuff and grief , but anyone , not just you ,who has immediate and terrible circumstances and loss , i would feel this way for , cause its tough and raw when its fresh , i know , i remember , it is stuill raw , but not as fresh... not like it is in the immediate weeks ,,,now for me is 3mths ...........

my scene with my dad is hard, i feel so emotional allt he time....... the neighbour thing is resolved already ...... with me in tears ..... i feel ill a lot , tired all the time........... grief is shite but i know it is a lesson , we can never avoid

' death is the onmly certainity once born ...... wow

yes , life changes on a dime , totally ,

dee , i am here for you , for all fo you and for me , just meant , i have been so effected and worried for you , i tend to want to know how u are a lot , i do for everyone esle as well , we all matter , all grief is grief , yes indeed and i feel for us all ,. none more than another , but in this instance cause it happended here , cause it was sudden , cause we know you , it is of concern how u will be , natural to think this way ....... u would for me i am sure and anyone else here ............

oh god , i dont even know what i am saying today , my mind is ,like spagetti , really messed

[deewithgreeneyes]

Many things to tell you guys...just can't get it together.

[josephb]

what is so great about life? what is there to look forward to? the answer is nothing,i have experience pretty much everything a person can go through.there is no purpose to life,we are here because two people had sex and one day nothing we did in this life will matter or be remembered

connie,

yes i still lift weights to vent my frustrations,i have been lifting since 15.im sorry to hear about your health problems and i hope you recover

[deewithgreeneyes]

Joseph...please stop thinking this way. You are young with a whole lot of life left to live. I just buried my 28 year old daughter who loved life, she experienced much sorrow and much good in her life. Nothing we did in this life makes a difference? or mattered? please go to www.MemoriesofMichelle.com that is my beautiful daughter. Young like you. Read through her guest book see how much she made a difference to people. Not because she was a brain or invented things or did anything spectacular...she loved life, shared herself with others. Please read it, She may touch you too...

[josephb]

i think im going to quit posting for awhile as i cannot give anyone postivie advice right now with the way i feel

[tara12]

Joesph ,

come on man , the site is not about having positive advice for people ? where did u get this idea , please , just cause we sometimes try to boost each other or say things we feel may help us deal , doesnt mean there is some sort of expectation on us or others to BE positive or have positve things to say ... HELL , look at my writings , half the time , they are so stupid and sad and angry and petty and sometimes they make sense and sometimes i see good things and feel loved , sometimes not and sometimes i feel rage ....... i mostly write so fast i don't spell check and that even dum as I full well know how to and am literate .... notice I am making more effort this morning , as I decided i should slow down to write , but i get scared if i take to long it will disappear before I post ( this has happened to me).

SO JOESPH , DO NOT GO AWAY , WE WILL WORRY THEN, WHICH IS WAY WORSE THAN U COMING HERE AND POSTING , WE NEED YOU , I NEED YOU HERE ....... i read ur posts and they touch me , your experience is our experience , we all experience every single emotion and thought anyone else puts here , cause NOONE CAN GO THROUGH LOSS AND GRIEF WITHOUT SUFFERING ALL THOSE THINGS IN VARIOUS DEGREEES AND VARIOUS TIMES............ just we all try and find our ways to deal with them and find hope and a reason for life ..... which is the question your now asking , WHICH IS A GOOD , GREAT QUESTION AND IS A SPIRITUAL QUESTION .......

WHY ARE WE HERE ? WHY DO WE SUFFER ? HOW CAN WE FIND A END TO SUFFERING > HOW DO WE USE OUR EXPERIENCES ? WHAT IS THE BEST THING TO DOWITH OUR LIVES ? KNOWING NOW THATY SUFFERING , PAIN , OLD AGE AND DEATH ARE ALL COMING TO US , AND WE WILL LOSE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING ONE DAY , ANY TIME AT ANYMOMENT , WE CAN NEVER KNOW ........ THEN KNOWING THIS ...... what do we do ? JOESPH , GO INTO THE QUESTIONS ......... THEY NEED ANWERS AND THERE ARE ANSWERS , THROUGHOUT HISTORY OF HUMANITY , PEOPLE ASK THIS AND SOME STUDY THIS , FIND THE ANSWERS , THEN IT IS WORTH IT ........

you have every right to feel bad andsad and mad and all that ,,, but do not give in.ok.

[septemberspain]

Joseph, Yeah it's me (you always have a way of making me post)LOL!

Joseph, I truly wish you wouldn't stop posting here. Even though you may feel as if you have nothing positive to write, I enjoy your input. I can only speak for myself when I write this. You have a full plate right now and of course you may feel as if you are not saying anything positive that you are sharing but then I have to ask where or what is the positive solution when you are trying to cope with the death of a parent??? I know I can honestly raise my hand & say my mom dying has been the worst experience in all my freaking 45 years on this planet. Sure I'm taking this crap one day at a time some days and the others well let me be the first to say I don't have any positive things to say about my best friend being gone. As crazy as this may sound ALL of y'all that post here actually help me in one way or another. Writing my feelings and pouring my heart out here has helped me. Joseph, I can only imagine what life has been dealing you since that day. I can not imagine what you are going thru or even understand all the crap that you've been dealing with instead of being able to deal with your mom and all that happened with her. Joseph, I truly wish I could wave a magic wand and make this all disappear but you know that I can't. I know it is hard to be trapped in grief but you also realize that grief will one day become a tiny bit more bearable. Now if you do decide to stop posting please check in from time to time to let me know how you are.

Wishing you the best

Robbin

[tara12]

Dee,

Just wanted to tell you I just went and revisitd the site for michelle and looked at the photos ... so beautiful your girl...... aww , my heart really does break for you and your family and i looked at your sweet kaili and thought how wring ti can feel that she will now not grow up with her mum there ...... but there must be a reason , beyond our knowing and the love is there deep and strong and big and so many friends and family to hold and help and give ....... I know this is a blessing amongst tradgey , the love , thats the thing that will hold you and her and make sense .......... michelle will always be there in your lives and lives on in kaili and in all of you and all of us who now have known her or met her because of this ......... she will be rememebered and certainly being a surfer , there is NOT A SINGLE SURFER WHO READING ABOUT HER WOULD EVER FORGET HER , cause the ocean is our bond ...know this..........she is there surfing waves right now......... gliding free , like a dolphin , in the sunset smiling , she would wish us to be happy , she would want you to feel healing and she needs to know you will be ok..... i want u to be ok , i feel so much for u ....... know i am sending love ...

[deewithgreeneyes]

Tara, me Email is deeappel@cox.net...e mail me, there are some questions i would like to ask you....Love, Dee

[carlavt]

How do you start to tell a story that hurts your heart ... embodies your soul ... calls tears to your eyes? A month ago (tomorrow) my mom died (Jan 5,2006). I can't believe she is gone. It doesn't seem possible that a month ago my world came crashing down around me. There have been good days (or parts of the day have been good) - but mostly every day sucks. I haven't left the house in a couple of days. I came home Thursday after work and a therapy session and haven't left since. I called out from work on Friday and spend most of the day in bed - and even today I haven't had any real desire to do a damn thing (even though I really need to pack - I have to be moved out of the apartment Mom and I shared by the 15th). I sometimes feel like I can't cry anymore - and try to repress some of the feelings that I have. It's hard because people (coworkers, friends etc) want to take the grieving process away from you - they push you along this road where they think it is better for you to not be sad or depressed anymore - I understand that my friends don't like to see me sad and not my normal happy and outgoing self - but I really can't stand the way I have to be around them. I can't tell them how I really feel (they don't really want to hear about it - they just offer that I should see someone for how I'm feeling, which I am, and that I should be on meds -- NOT ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE SAD NEED TO BE ON MEDS! - Isn't this grief normal? I need to work through it - talk about it - write about it - they just can't handle it I guess) - I can't share how upset I get at the smallest things and how my heart just aches to talk to my Mom and have her talk back to me, offer her support, hear her laugh, see her smile, just to be near her. I hate feeling guilty when my day is going well - I know my Mom wouldn't want me to be upset and sad all the time (that is not usually a comfort to me) ... she told me - this will be the hardest thing you ever have to deal with (meaning her death) - it just turns my stomach inside out when I think back to that conversation - a mere week or so before she died ... I can't believe she is gone. My heart aches for her. She was my best friend.

Carla

[kjaceyma]

Hello CARLA, welcome to the board... yes, I know what you're saying about others trying to push you along - I was even speaking with a friend last night about this - most people do not have the strength to sit with others in grief.

JOSEPH, if you stop coming here, then I may be the only early twentysomething who visits this board! I'd love to continue to share my thoughts with someone my own age here.

DEE, all those comments in the Guest Book on Michelle's page, they are quite touching. She was, and will continue to be, well-loved and admired.

TARA, your neighbor issue.. I feel like I can relate to that at least a little bit, as I have 3 roommates who I find very difficult to live with and we definitely have different ideas about ownership, chores and whatnot. I try to go with the flow, but I can't just pretend everything's okay when it's not.. I let things fester, which I know is not healthy and I'd like to work on my communication..

CLITTLE, this week I had what I think was my 2nd dream of my mom.. she was dying in our house, but looked completely healthy - no tubes, no twitching, nothing like that. She had all of her hair like it was a couple years ago. For some reason I was doing laundry and I was fumbling with all the clothes taking them out of the washer.. my mom then made a choking sound a couple times, and I woke up. Well I was kinda terrified and my feet were tingling..

..and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that back pain, that is horrible.

CHARSMOM...last night a friend of mine told me about this experience she had with a psychic, a tarot card reader I guess... she said it was incredible and some of the things she was told actually then materialized in different ways. Sounds like it was a great thing for her to have done.. I'm pretty curious about all of that stuff, right now more for the novelty of it I suppose.

LITTLEBUG, maybe you could have your baby early so that s/he will born on my bday (Sept 9)!

So... I've been okay this week, no big revelations or anything. A couple friends visited me from Western Mass. this weekend, they are moving to San Francisco. It is exciting but it also means another change for me to go through.. we have been friends for years now, and they've always been so close and accessible. But I suppose I can visit soon, or maybe in the summer..

Plus eh, mmm, so - I went on a date tonight, for the first time in several months. The guy is very kind and also pretty nerdy... But I do find that endearing.

It was just even nice to have respite from difficulty and sadness, ya know... plus, he was caregiver to his mother for a year while she had cancer (now recovered), and I feel like he probably understands and can probably relate to me in some ways, us both having had mothers sick with cancer.

I don't want to jump in to a relationship, I think that would be unwise while dealing with everything (family, friends, roommates, work, juggling, managing). But I was sure happy to hear him say he was going to try to sleep but didn't know about that, because he was still jazzed about the night..

Love to all*

Kelly

[clio31]

Hello All-So many posts. Wish I could keep up a little better. I have been working about 60 hours a week for the past 2-3 weeks. Partly because it's tax season, and there is sooooooo much to do, and partly because there are hours that I just can't focus on what I need to be doing. Even had to bring some work home with me this weekend. And of course, I haven't even looked at it!

All in all, it's been a rough week. I just CANNOT get it through my head that my mom and grandma are gone. I find myself so much wanting to pick up the phone and call Mom, and when I talk to my granddad, I ask 'What are you all doing?’ to which he replies, "It's not 'you all' any more, it's just me". You would think that it would have really set in by now. But I guess two losses so close together, and the fact that my mother played so many roles in my life...just makes things very confusing.

Connie-Sorry to hear about the continuing struggles with your brother. I do believe that grief makes us do strange things, and sometimes hurt the ones that should be dearest to us. However, it does seem that your brother has major issues. It's horrible the way substance abuse (alcohol or drugs) can change a person.

It is safe to say, your brother's lies will be illuminated in court, and I am sure you will prevail, the truth cannot be denied.

Even though it is difficult, I try, with my brother, to look past it. I don't say I condone the things he does, but I carry in my heart that my mother loved us all, even with our faults, and I cannot deny him. My brother had a drug problem a few years ago, which has resurfaced as of late. Some of the things he does/says angers me in ways I cannot describe.

I do think our situations though are different, as it seems that your brother has been very abusive for quite some time (maybe not physically, but emotionally).

I feel I need to be here for my brother, he is so young, just turned 23, has no ambition, has no goals, and has no one to guide him. He does not have a relationship with our father, nor do I, and now Mom, he has no one to try to straighten him out.

The emotional abuse is not something to be taken lightly, this is in fact why myself and my brothers do not have anything to do with our father. One can only take so much. I was the last to fall, I always gave the benefit of the doubt, said to myself, he is my Dad, and the only one I am ever going to have. But when I realized that the only reason I remained in contact was because I didn't want to feel guilty if something happened to him while we weren't speaking...that is a sad reason to maintain a relationship.

We must rid ourselves of negative people, especially in these times of grief. We do not need to hear put-downs of ourselves, family, other loved ones...

It sounds to me, like your brother, unfortunately, is one of those negative people.

I have changed since my mother died. Prior to her death, I would NEVER have condoned the 'release' of family, for any reason. My mother was all about family, that's the way she was, family is family, you only get one, overlook, overlook, overlook. Well, after my mom passed, I realized that all the 'overlooking' caused her alot of grief in her short life. I don't want that. I want to surround myself with those to contribute to my life, not those who continually bring me struggle.

I do feel my mother would understand this, and I am sure, your mother is watching, understanding your feelings, and wanting you to do what it takes to make you whole again.

Hope this wasn't too rambling to make any sense:) I will be thinking about you!

Carla

I have an understanding of what you are going through. I lost my mom three and a half months ago. I think it is a good idea to 'see someone' about your grief. Doesn't necessarily mean that you have to go on meds. I didn't know how to deal with my grief. The last loss in my family was back in 2000, my grandfather, who had numerous strokes, and was bedridden for almost 10 years. Although, I loved my grandfather, he was not himself, and there was a HUGE amount of time to prepare. Not to sound callous, but there were many times, I wished he would go, to end his pain. Bedridden, no ability to move, speak, eat for yourself, go to the bathroom for 10 YEARS??? Had to be hell on earth. So, my point, I lost my grandma (mom's mom) on Sept 24th, due to complications from hip replacement surgery, and then, my Mom on Oct. 18th, 5 months after her initial diagnosis of renal cancer.

This was all so shocking to me. I had no idea how to cope. I didn't have a chance to grieve for grandma, as my mom was so sick and needed me. Then when my mother died...I was just overwhelmed.

I have been going to a grief counselor since my mom died. Of course, it has not made things alright, but it has taught me that grieving takes work. If you don't deal with it now, you will have to deal with it later.

I am on antidepressants, but I have been for years...had real issues in the past, so with all that has happened, had to be increased. Medications aren't a bad thing. Sometimes, either by your natural body chemistry, or by extreme emotional stressors, the chemistry of your brain can go haywire. The meds just put the right amount of hormones back where they belong. For many, these are short-term aids. The drugs don't make you happy, don't make your numb to feelings, but they can help you focus, and that is a good thing when you are grieving.

Ok, I am off my soapbox now, I feel for you and your pain. Just know, when I was at the one month mark, I didn't feel as though anything would EVER get any better. Definitely not saying things are great. But, things are not as chaotic as they felt two months ago. I know there is a long way to go, but I am confident, that I can go forward. There will always be an empty spot in my heart, that I will never fill, but I am hoping, that I will learn to deal with it in a positive way.

To Charsmom, and those who posted about 'Mediums'-

I did this a few weeks ago. I was told things that could not possibly have been known by this woman. She described my mother's physical appearance very accurately (was off on her height by a few inches), she described our relationship. She knew I had two brothers, and that they lived away but would be moving back in the next 6 months (all true). She predicted my brother would have a job change-he called me last week and told me he got promoted!

She also said my mom had a message for me, to always were my seatbelt. I had two car accidents around my mom's b-day in November, one of which should have been deadly.

She described a clock in my home, and the emotional ties I had to it. It was all very strange, and a little unsettling, but at the same time, it gave me a little bit of hope. I NEEDED to know if there was anything else than here on earth. I now feel that I can feel a bit better about this.

She told me that my mom wanted me to put her picture on the table, make a pot of coffee and talk to her. My mother and I shared a pot of coffee and talked at my kitchen table every Saturday and Sunday for years.

It was all so emotional, but it gave me comfort at the same time. I know some people believe this to be fake, praying on the emotions of the weak, but there were too much accuracy for this to be fake.

Grief is very personal, and ANYTHING you can do to get a little comfort is warranted.

Robbin-Have missed talking with you! Thinking about you every day.

Where is Giselle???

Kelly-

You seem very wise for your age. Some of the things you have posted have made me think...your posts are appreciated.

Dee-I have been thinking of you often. A friend of mine lost a son (her only child, 17 yrs old) two years ago; she has found a little bit of comfort with a group called compassionate friends. I believe it is a face-to-face group that has chapters throughout the country. May be something that can help...

Connie again-forgot to mentions about this post you left:

"I'll never forget the bittersweetness of what I've lived through in being my Mother's primary Caregiver and experiencing with her the end of this life and the beginning of another. Knowing the day she had lived for had indeed come. She was ready to die. She saw better things ahead. She saw a better place where she would have a new body, flawless and free from illness and age and her mind completely restored. As I've said here before, if she could bear the pain of childbirth to bring me into this world, surely I could bear the pain of attending to her needs as she was slipping away, leaving this world. She left her mark here for sure. Me."

This is a beautiful tribute to your mother, and exactly the way I felt. My mother said she would always be with me, and I know I will always be with her.

This has been an extremely long post, to all, or anyone to whom I did not respond personally, my heart is with you, as I am sure yours with mine.

Thank you all for the posts, insights, and bits of light that I discover on this board.

If anyone would like to e-mail me, feel free, I have a better chance to respond to e-mails through out the week than to catch up on the board.

Love,

Jenny

Clio2888@msn.com

[groy58]

Everyone

I am only going to post a short note. I have been down with a really bad case of Flu (home from work and in bed for fifth day now). I send well wishes to you all. I wanted you all to know that I miss each of you and continue to keep you in my prayers. I seem to be having a rough time of late missing my mom. Yesterday was the three month mark and I feel worse somehow than I did the first day I believe. Maybe it’s just the spoiled brat showing up in me and since I do not feel well I am missing her more. I want to lie here and cry, in the hope that my tears will just dry up and stop flowing forever. I am sorry I said I would not post here until I could try and bring something positive to you all. So I am going to close for now. How are all our mother’s to be? Joseph, good to see you checking in.

Love to all,

Giselle

[carlavt]

Thanks for welcoming me ... please don't get me wrong - I work in the hospital in the operating room ... and I can appreciate the value of taking meds when you need them. I just get annoyed when people think that it will solve all your problems - and that the pain and grief that you are feeling will desolve with the magical pill. I don't subscribe to that notion. I just wish my friends/co-workers could understand how difficult it is for me sometimes (actually in my heart I don't want them to - because I don't want them to have to feel the same way I am and have such horrible pain). The other day I started getting upset when I went to get a patient for the OR - we were doing a lung case and the daughter and mother were together and the daughter was comforting her Mom - I was so jealous! This mom was much older than my own mother was when she died - and I can't believe the rage I had in my heart. The daughter had her own family of grown children ... I was so jealous and angry. I had to really pull myself together so I could just get over it and do my job. They just can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions that happens during the day in my heart and mind ... arghhh I hate it! I really feel slighted that my Mom won't meet the man I'll marry one day - or be there when I bear my own children. All of my siblings had that opportunity - and I will be alone. Sometimes I harbour anger towards them - even though I know that it isn't their fault. Oh well.

I need to try and get motivated today - I haven't left the house since Thursday - and I am supposed to return to rescue this evening (I volunteer with a local EMS squad) and go to work tomorrow. Frankly I just don't want to do anything at all. I have so much packing that I need to get done - I just can't bear packing away my Mom's things ... it hurts too much.

Thanks for your support.

Carla

[tara12]

Hello carlavat

yes , must be so hard , I understand this , I often have todeal woth feelings of jealousy , i guess it is jealousy , maybe not , but anyway , sadness , and loss when around families , not juts sionce my mum died , but always , cause i always felt robbed of that closeness ........ but it is grief , it is not real , it is a measure of how we feel the loss ...... not having love , not having someone to hold us , for us to hold them.i think........... I feel it especially at family gathering times , like xmas and holdiays , feel like an orhphan and guess what , that is cause i am , and was even when mum was alive .... weird huh.......

u will find it hard to work , esp in proffession that is givivng , i do , it is hard to keep giving when you feel empty and when u wish someone would maybe help you or notice YOUR PAIN..... instead of you being the one to e storng and comforting ....... but try not get bitter .. try to know this and let go , and cry ....... cry , and find people who CAN SUPPORT YOU AND GIVE YOU SOME CARE FOR A CHANGE ........ OK........

i AM SO SORRY YOU LOST YOU MUM ......... IT SURE SUXS ....... ESP WHEN SHE WONT BE THERE TO MEET YOUR LOVES AND SHARE THIS......... SO SOORY...... HOPE U FEEL BETTER SOON........ SOME ........

[clio31]

Made a little memorial to my mom today

Got a green ribbon tattoo with a little purple flower near the bottom. Green ribbons are for kidney cancer and my mom LOVED purple flowers.

My youngest brother got the ribbon with a rose (my mom got a rose tattoo for her 50th b-day )

And my partner got a ribbon half green, for my mom, and half pink for her mom who had breast cancer, and beat it I may add.

Hope everyone has a decent evening,

Jenny

[cantbelieveit]

Clio31.......That is great. My sister and I are going this weekend to get flower tattoos in honor of our mom, her favorite was daisy. Thanks for sharing that it makes me even more excited to go and get it done.

Joseph, Please keep posting. I know this is a hard time for you I hope that it helps even a little bit to know that we are all here for eachother.

Everyone, I have a lot to re read and would like to respond to please know that I am here always and thinking about you.

Littlebug: Be well and keep us updated.

Carlavt....Welcome I am sorry you have to be here, but I am glad you found this board, you don't have to be any way here just be yourself. I miss my mom to and considered her my best friend also. She was the one to turn to when I needed someone or wanted a laugh or voice of reason etc....I wish you well in the days ahead.

I will check in again soon.

[septemberspain]

Hi All,

I know it has been a while since I've actually chatted with my family. LOL!

First of all Hi Carla, Glad to meet you. I'm just so sorry it's here. I want you to know this board is truly a Godsend for all of us who happen to stop thru. Here is a place where you can come and vent, share, cry and above most know that we care!

Today marked the 5 month mark since my mom died and to be honest I'm really numb still. I haven't shed a tear in almost a month. I constantly talk about her and we are always sharing a story about something she did. I still haven't had one single dream about her but that's ok cause I feel her presence all around me and the crazy things keep happening like being alone in a room and pictures fall or shadows appear on the wall where there is no one there. There has been times when I'm alone in a room and something will pull my hair but the best thing about all these things that keep happening are done in the daylight I guess she is still honoring my wish to only daytime visits. Oh I love her so much and I still can't believe she's gone.

So how are the future moms doing?? I'm always checking to see the progress reports.

Giselle, hey girl sorry to hear that bug is kicking your booty. I'mma call you in a day or so to check in on you. You know you can't be getting sick on me. Well try to get some rest and I'm sending some of Connie's cyber-soup to help you feel better.

Connie, Sorry to hear about your back. Try to take it easy. I know easier said than done. Are you still working?? Wait a second didn't you post awhile back saying you slipped at work or something?? This doesn't have any thing to do with your injury does it? Then again maybe my memory is still on vacation, LOL.

Tara, it's good to see you back glad you made it safely.

Jenny, How ya been? I love the idea of getting a tattoo for your mom. I'm still trying to decide on what I'm going to use to honor my mom. I thought about musical notes surrounding her name, cause my mom really loved music. I often hear the oldies playing on the radio (late 50's early 60's) and I amaze myself with the musical knowledge that my mom passed onto all of her kids.

Kelly (waving at you) How ya been?? So you were born in the city of brotherly love huh??? Me too born and raised here. I have lived in a few other states but somehow or another I end up back here. I guess the Cheesesteaks are keeping me happy! LOL

Dee, My dear good sister, I am so happy to see you back among us. I have missed you but even more so I have been praying for you constantly. I read a few post back that you have had 2 heart attacks. I know losing your baby girl has been hard. I know there are no words that could ever begin to put into words what you have been thru. I have been to Michelle's site and Michelle is a beautiful woman and just reading the way she touched so many lives I can only imagine how proud you are to have a daughter as wonderful as your Michelle. And Kaili, she's a very beautiful baby. I can really see why when you posted about her earlier the happiness that came thru in your words really showed how special she is in your life. I'm sending hugs your way!!

I know this is really long but I just wanted y'all to know each of you have been in my prayers and in my heart. Sending each of you here some comfort that tonight brings a good nights sleep and for those of us that dream of our mom's and other family members I do hope that your dreams bring you closer to having some peace.

Good night...............

Robbin

[eulaha]

Hello everyone:

My late mother's birthday is coming up in April. I would like to create some sort of memorial piece in her memory, for her the family, as well as her co-workers. My sister came up with the idea of putting my mother's picture on a candle, but I don't think that's a good idea...I was thinking of putting down on paper some of our memories of her. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Also, I would like to do something for her grandkids, so they have some to remember her by (they are 9, 5 and 3)...

[clio31]

Tara (Carla too)

I understand how you are feeling with the jealousy thing, I get it too. Makes me feel bad, cuz I wouldn't want anyone else to have to feel this pain. But I guess it's just something that goes with our grief. I'm just hoping that part will pass sooner than later. My partner is really trying to forge a better bond with her mother. They have never really been close, and I think my mom was sort of a surrogate to her. Her mom never even says she loves her, if they are talking on the phone, at the end she will say, I love you Mom, her mom will respond with 'OK'. I hate the fact my mom is gone, but at least she could tell me and show me how much she loved me, and in that was I was blessed.

The hardest thing for me, is there is noone to 'jog' my memory. Alot of times, if I am telling a story or something about my childhood, I will just know I am forgetting something, I would just give a call to Mom, remember when??? And she would fill me in. Guess some things will just have to be left blank

Cantbelieveit-

That's cool about the tatoos My mom's favorite was the rose, but I didn't want to copy my brother. So I went with a forget-me-not. I know they are usually blue...but I just had to go with my mom's favorite color. I know she would have liked it. Hope you and your sister find exactly what you are looking for!

Eulaha-

I have seen pictures of the memorial candles, they aren't that bad, but there are definately other things to choose from.

I have started scrapbooks for each of my mom's grandaughters (3 of them). I have been able to round up some photos from when she was small, up till the time she died. I am including ALL the pics where mom was snuggling over those little girls.

Also, I don't know if you like to edit photos on the computer or not, but for Christmas, I made a memorial photo with my Mom and Grandma that I gave a copy to my granddad and uncle. There are alot of beautiful things you can do just with printshop, put it in a nice frame, and it's beautiful, a nice special touch.

Another thing I will be doing in the spring, is planting a lilac bush, my mom's favorite color was purple, and she loved the scent of lilacs, we always had a lilac bush in the yard growing up. I have purchased a 'tree ring' that has a verse on it, with a place to put a plaque personalizing it with her name.

When my grandma died, my uncles co-workers bought him a flowering cherry tree, and a personalized stone to put with it in the yard. It looks greats.

I didn't really ever do anything for my mom's co-workers. I haven't been back to her office, but my brother says they basically have a shrine up on her desk, pictures of her, her kids, grandkids, flowers, etc. I am sure it is nice, I just can't bring myself to go. It was hard enough going in there to clean out her desk.---Ok, need to stop the memorial thing for a bit, sitting here crying now

Hope you find something that will be special to you and your family.

Did you ever find anything out about your mom's records?

Robbin-

I think the music notes sound nice. My mom loved music too. Your post brought back memories of when I was a kid, probably 10 or so...my mom had this book of music by Patsy Cline, my aunt would play the piano and my mom and I would sing her songs. We could harmonize well together. That is something we carried on for the rest of her life. Especially at Christmas, Mom always listend to Anne Murrays Christmas tapes, we knew all the songs. When that tape finally wore out from years of use and abuse, I found the exact same one on CD, we still sang to it every year. I didn't even listen to it this year, but maybe next year I can.

Carla-

I do agree with you, there is no magic pill to turn off the grief, and to be honest, while tempting, I don't think I would want it if there was. The grief I have now is an extention of the devotion and love I have for my mother. While it is painful, and I want it to be over, there is comfort in my tears.

It will be hard packing up your mom's belongings. I had to pack my mom's up quickly as I sold her house within weeks of her death, and thus, the new owner wanted to move in 11/17, my mom died 10/18. I guess I acted like a crazy loon that month. Planning the funeral, trying to just function everyday, then having to pack up her things. I am an VERY emotional person, so I am suprised I made it through. One of my stong points that is that I am a 'doer' very task oriented. So...I detached, I made a list of everything that needed to be done. What items were sentimental to me, my brothers, nieces, other family members. What items could benefit someone else (my mom had recently purchased a new living room suite right before her diagnosis)

This made it alot easier for me. I kept her hutch and her dishes, she also wanted us kids to take anything that we had given her as a gift. I am such a knick-knack person...wow, I have soooooo many now! My brothers kept all the scrapbooks she made of our accomplishments as kids, and selected their favorite Christmas decorations (Mom LOVED LOVED LOVED the holidays) We each took a coffee mug. I kept her clothes, at first I kinda thought it was wierd, cuz I was wearing them all the time (we wore the same size), but my counselor said it was actually a common thing. I still wear them...lot's of them I actually bought for her, so I really like em . There were alot of things of course, that we had to through out, like the bent up frying pan that always rolled off the stove, that mom just couldn't get rid of, even though it was never used. Anything that was of any use though, we gave away. Gave some to the battered womens shelter, goodwill, salvation army, and somethings I gave to people that I knew that were in need, or having a rough time. I hope you make it through, I will be thinking of you.

All-Just can't believe I am up this early. Been up since 2AM! Those darn dogs, they just had to go potty at 2AM. Once I am up, I am up...going to be one long day. I couldn't go back to sleep, but you know, I hear those dogs snoring like crazy!!! I know several of us have mentioned having pets...what kind do you have, do you find them comforting now???

I have two boston terriers, Sadie and Milo, one Russian blue cat-Phoebe, and one tiger striped gray kitty named Flynn who has seven toes on each paw. He is a cutie.

Hope this doesn't sound silly, but since I don't have any kids of my own, and my brother's aren't local...the animals have really been my lifeline. The cats are always cuddly, but those pups, they just KNOW when I need a kiss, or a snuggle, or just when to lay there and let me scratch their tummies

Well, I'm off for now, I may just go ahead and get ready and to into work. Brought work home with me this weekend, so swamped. Didn't even look at it, throws off my time-line a bit.

Anyway, wishing you all a little comfort today, I will be thinking of you all.

Jenny

[littlebug]

Hi everyone. I hope you guys are all OK and hanging in there. My pregnancy is going fine. Although, with every cramp or slight growing pain I almost panic, thinking I am having another miscarrage. I am starting to feel so stressed. My sister was talking about her experience when she was pregnate the first time and how mom had helped her every step of the way. I just started crying. It is SO HARD not having her here for this. How am I going to do this? I ran across some pictures of her last night. And as I was looking at her, I felt a little more reality of her not being here with me anymore and it's just to much to bear. I sometimes wonder if I'm allowing my self to really grieve or if I'm just trying to block the feelings out. I'm just feeling really lost and alone right now. Thanks for listening.

[josephb]

i must be really depressed. the last few days all this really started bothering me and again and i started to think about all that happened.back in october my mom had called and she ended up hanging up on me and she called back and i hung up on her well the third time she called she left a message on the answering machine that she was at the end stage of her diease and i would not be notified of her death. when i heard it i didnt believe because she didnt not mention it early in the day when we had talked so i thought she was trying to make me feel bad for not going down to see her and this was right my surgery. i even make fun of her when i heard it by saying she was crazy well for next few weeks i would not hear anything from her and my grandma said well she must be dead and i said i guess so as it turn out she was in and out of the hostipal at this time and here we were making fun of her

dec 1 when i got the called from the hospice working that she was in the hostipal and we drove down there and i saw her she told she was going to be ok and live for the next couple of years so i didnt take it seriously and after 2 hours i went home and she was going back to the nursing home that night she ended back up in the hospital and would go to hospice the next day where i stayed with her for the 2 weeks she had left on this earth

you know its weird looking at someones life in hindsight. my mom lost her dad to the same diease when she was 28 and she only lived to be a few days over 43

i have really been thinking a lot about god and spiritual things and i have come to the conclusive that in my opinion there is no after life. what we have now is life and that is it once we die

i would like to hear everyones opinion on the after life and what it is like

[septemberspain]

Hey Joseph, Once again you are making me think LOL!!

Well, I'm going to answer your question and give you my opinion. But it will be a little later this afternoon. But I'mma answer you. Just wanted to acknowledge that you had a question on the table and I'll be back with my reply.

Glad to see you today

Robbin

[cantbelieveit]

Today marks 4 months since my mom has passed. Sometimes I think it is still not real, it's like I am going to see her again any minute and sometimes I feel like well this is it and you have to find a way to deal with it. I have mixed emotions. I get alot of body aches when stressed so even when I think I am doing ok, I feel it in my being. Everyday brings on new feelings and thoughts. I wish I could turn back the clock and erase all of it and have her here healthy and smiling. I guess it really makes me scared for the future. I know I am not alone now that I have found this board. It is true though about friends and their thoughts and opinions sometimes it's like they have no idea but talk anyway or they just don't factor it in as something that is on your mind daily. I just thank God for all of you. Have a good day.

[josephb]

you know i think religion and the belief of an after lift are to ease people fears about dying and death.another thing that is off the wall in my opinion is the idea of reincarnation,the idea that you live multpile lives untill you get it right which makes absolutly no sense whatsover.what would be the purpose of an after life?everything we know in our daily lives,sight,hearing,touch,smell are all human qualities so what do people mean wehenthey say after life?do they think it's going to be the same as when they were humans?another thing that bothers me is the concept of hell,to feel enternal pain and burn in hell.well how can you feel pain without nerves? these ideas of god,heaven,hell,religion they are all man made ideas.obviously something had to create everything and people call it god but i think it is beyond our comprehension

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi everyone, still here, barely getting one foot in front of the other. Not doing well emotionally, don't even know what I am doing half of the time. Please bear with me.....

[deewithgreeneyes]

Josephb...I read your post, please keep sharing your ideas as you and I are in the same place of questioning...

[groy58]

Everyone I am thinking of you all today and sending you blessings.

Joseph; I want to attempt to share my personal opinion of your post and hope that it will give you some idea of how I feel about the subject. God is beyond our human comprehension!!! That is why we have Jesus to intercede on our behalf when we communicate to God through prayer, worship, meditation etc. We as humans are not meant to know and understand everything of this universe. Many people spend their entire lives trying to prove that God/religion is not real therefore there will be no consequences for the behaviors we have in life be they good or bad. They want you/me to believe that when this mortal life ends, this is the end and we are no more. I personally feel that is the off the wall concept. Just like when people refuse to believe that there is in fact a spiritual realm. Or that in the entire universe why would we, the humans of earth be so smug to believe we are the only life forms in the whole wide universe??? I am not one to feel that reincarnation is what we experience in that I have no formal knowledge of that belief system. So I do not think it would be wise of me to try and speak to what I do not understand. I was raised to believe/have faith in (faith is the belief in things unseen), God the father, his son Jesus and the Holy Spirit (the comforter) and to think of this trinity as one. I know that religion(s) can be interpreted differently by every individual and alas this is what causes the confusion. Whose is good vs. who’s is bad, who’s going to heaven vs. who’s going to hell. I believe that many historians have been able to validate many of the events in the bible. And we must remember that even the bible is the interpretation of those men which wrote it, about events in which they participated or were told of. With my mothers death I found myself asking many of the same questions you are and the following is some of what I have been able to gather so far. Our human bodies are made as a mortal functioning shell for the time that we will spend on earth. Our souls are within these bodies just as our hearts are, yet when the mortal body dies the soul will continue to survive. There is great debate about what actually happens to our soul when we die. Does the soul take a long nap and wait for the return of Jesus before awakening and being joined with him in heaven? Or does the soul go to a new realm immediately based on the like life experiences you shared during your earthly life and continue the quest to be a better being? I have been convinced that no one dies alone, someone many times that you have know in life will come to help you in the transition from mortal to the next realm of life ( the afterlife, I guess if that is what you want to call it). There are many stories of death bed experiences when the person dieing seems to us here on earth to be communicating with loved ones that we know have gone before them. I have even seen this when my own grandmother passed and she looked up and asked me if I saw the children playing and then said in a very clear voice “Mama” with a smile on her face. Her mother had died in 1959 from colon cancer and I could not remember a time in my life when I had heard her call out to her in such a fashion. Joseph, have you ever seen graffiti on an airplane window? Well neither had I until I was returning home from a business trip after the death of my best friend in February, 2004. On my return flight home I noticed that there was like a damp mist, fog on the window located by my seat and on that window I could see a “G” written like my best friend always wrote the G in Giselle (It was very unique). I shook my head, did not say a word to anyone and just said OK Dawn let’s go home; I know you are with me. The “G” disappeared by the time I could get settled in my seat. When I got home I immediately found a note from her to try and convince myself that I had not seen what I thought I had on the plane. But instead tears began to flow as a looked at the “G” that I knew for most of my life. I knew that she was OK and in the next realm having new adventures that once again my human mind is unable to comprehend. I really do believe that our souls will move to this next realm and if I have faith I will understand things then that I have never been able to comprehend while on earth. Finally I will say that the purpose of this next realm I feel will be the ultimate reality of living together without regard to the prejudices and sorrows we endure on earth. We will know each other even without these ole earthly bodies because we have known each others souls. We will see our mother’s again and many other loved ones, friends and I read somewhere that even souls that have impacted our or we impacted their lives somehow will many time be there to greet us and help us transition. What a beautiful thought to me. In all of this I guess I am trying to say that GOD is real, real in my soul today and I can not wait to be in his holy presence (when my time comes that is, smile). God is my creator and I know he loves me and you and all of us that post on this sight. He knows our joys and our sorrows and he will dispatch his angels, his son Jesus, the Holy Spirit and yes just even other human beings to bring us encouragement and comfort.

Love to you all my Friends,

Giselle

[tara12]

firstly , DEE , PLEASE WRITE TO ME ok........... I want to talk with you and you said you wanted to ask some things , please know I am here for that.

Joesph....... keep asking and looking .... death forces us to think and try make sense , its ok not to know...... I think enquring almost scientifically will help unravel it for you.... for instance You say , re incaranation makes no sense. is this so ? well , ask , before we are born , what are we ... a fetus ? yes .. and before this ..... sperm and egg .... and before this where were we.... you see everything has a beginning and a moment before beginning , is it not so? if you breathe in , where does the air come from and go to what happens in between the breath? where does it go ? are we just a peice of meat that breathes air in and out and then its over and nothing ? all good questions.... some with answers ... in different traditions and spritual schools and also then there is belief and faith and heart and the unseen that christians speak of ... the spirit that touches us ... hmm... what is this then ? i think rather than throwing it all out ... maybe just let it be a question , wonder about it .. doesnt mean u have to accpet or believe anything ... our personal expereices and insights are always the ones that serve us best in the end .... but also openess and asking ans seeking can lead us into new ideas and thats ok too , to explore and challenge oursleves ? i think you are a very bright person and having a hard time , of course , as we all are and this is so natural to think this way .......

i wish you all the best no matter what .. just stay with your heart bro , ok.

[clio31]

Joseph-

The whole afterlife thing is very hard for me to comprehend as well. I do believe there is something else out there, I just don't know what it is. There are so many religions, how could any one be correct?

I will try to explain how I feel. I look at the bible as a history book. I do believe that there are parts in the bible that happened, I also believe, as with any oral history (which is how the bible came to be) there are numerous inaccuracies and exaggerations. I believe that Jesus existed, I believe he died for his followers, I'm just not so sure I believe in the immaculate conception.

It is very difficult for me to draw the line and enjoy both science and faith. I do believe in evolution, I do have a leaning towards the Big Bang Theory, but at the same time, I believe 'something' had to set everything in motion. And that there are probably many, many universes with intelligent life.

Although I have no proof of an afterlife, a few threads ago, I spoke about going to a medium to speak with my mother. She told me things that were so specific, so real, and entirely accurate, I cannot 'reason' away how she knew these things about me and my mother.

The only answer, in my oppinion, is that, she in some way, was able to communicate with my mother.

I find that now more than ever, I want to believe in Heaven and God, I just don't know how.

Anyway, I guess I'll go for now, getting ready to leave work a bit early today.

Will check back in later.

Jenny

[deewithgreeneyes]

Yes Tara I will write you probably tonight. For all of my friends outs there please e mail me if you would like. I have an appointment with a counselor today and am packing up my mom's things today. On Friday I am going to Michelle's to get her things. To much going on, I am not coping well with everything. Love you all, Dee

[tara12]

Clio 31 and joesph ,

I gues for me , based on actual expereince , not theory , I know WITHOUT A DOUBT , THAT after my mum died although the body was gone , who she was IN essence , the real her , became very apparant , it is not anything to do with the body , but was her consciousness , which is what we all are as well....... just think , where is this thought coming from , who think this ? it is not just blood and oxygen... I think anyway ......... I beleive I am human right now , my consciousness is existing in this body made of meat and solid form , but when I die , the consciousness , the mind , the percieving part , that is living and unseen like air ? orlike the sound you still hear after a bell is ringing ? you know....... like that ...... or the ripples in a pond after a pepple is thrown , or the feeling of water after a raindrops hits you. the form has changed , but the experience is still there ..... I am trying to use an analogy for how i see things ? maybe silly , maybe not.. food for thought.....

I like these kinds of discusssions ..

[eulaha]

Dee,

You will find that it does take a while before you are able to handle things better. Grief takes a lot out of your body. For a month after my mom died, I slept all the time. My memory was horrible. I had no attention span. I'm not saying that everything is ok with me now, but I am able to function better than I could 5 months ago. But, the pain is still with me.

I didn't have to go through my mother's things. My brother and sister took care of that before I returned to Cali for the funeral. It was really hard for them. My brother even threw away the livingroom couch that my mom used to nap on all the time! It was too difficult for him to have that reminder. My sister offered me the sweater my mom was wearing on the nigt she died. but

I just couldn't take it. I took her driver's liscense.

[deewithgreeneyes]

I have to go to Michelles on Friday to get her things. Her father said he can't go with me it is to painful for him. I am going myself, must get her things. I thought the grief I felt for my mom was horrendous, but this grief for a child is unbearable. I turn around and my mom's things are in front of me, I turn around and Michelle's things are in front of me. I can't grieve heavy because i end up popping nitro glycerin like candy. I am not going to make this one.

[clittlelady]

DEE: I so wish I could physically be there for you. You shouldn't have to do any of this alone. I feel that words are so inadequate. You're right. I haven't been there personally, but your words, "This grief for a child is unbearable." I've heard those same words from my Mother's lips. I saw it in her eyes, the void, the hollowness, the uncertainty of being able to continue, the uncontrollable darkness that would overwhelm her at the drop of a hat. I was so afraid of losing her. So afraid of her health failing her. She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. Some days, she couldn't do anything but move in slow motion, kind of robotic, trancelike. I was so close to her, that I sometimes felt her physical pain through periods of her grief. I would be at work and hurt in my chest, severely and call home to check on her and she too, as you, would have just taken her nitroglycerin as she had a bad heart.

She DID make it through THOSE seeminly nonending periods of tears and wanting to give up. As I said before, I continuously reminded her that she had three other sons and one daughter who could not bear to lose her. Your Son has told you this as well. You WILL get through this, even though it all seems TOO MUCH. You must fight. There is a little girl who you must focus on. NO ONE can take your place in her life and Michelle would want you to be there for her. Wouldn't She?

DEE, I know you doubt many things now, can't say that I blame you. But as for me, I do know that I personally wouldn't be here now, were it not for God's grace and mercy through some horrible things in my life. I don't understand everything. I don't even try. You remain in my prayers for strength and courage to face the next moment, the next day.

You've been a friend to me. I wish I could do more.

Hope to hear from you.

Connie

[clio31]

Dee-

I too wish we could do more for you. Getting to know you ladies and gentleman over these last few months has been of great comfort. Even if I didn't post, I could come in here and see that others were 'blowing off steam' or giving advice. Some of the rants, are even better than the advice, then we know we are not alone.

Rant if you need to, if you don't have the energy to go on and do it in 'real life', rant, scream and cry here. You have been a very positive influence on this board, it's your turn now to be able to express your saddness and anger.

I am thinking of you, your son, your grandbaby, and everyone in your family.

Love,

Jenny

[clio31]

Bad night last night. So here I am bright and early. My partner came home after work, packed a bag and left.

I didn't realize for several hours that there was luggage/clothes/makeup gone, so I was in a crazy state. All I could think, is 'my God, she has been in a car accident or something and is dead too'.

After leaving numerous messages on her turned of cell, she finallly called me back around 11pm. She needed some space, things were just too hard, too much to deal with, no one give her credit for her grief over my mom and grandma. I am too snippy, and the little things bother me too much.

I am really on the edge here, I called my brother in FL and cried and ranted like a lunatic. He was like, right now, get a flight, take a leave of abs. from work, and come stay with me for a while.

I hate the fact that I worried him like that. But, I didn't know who else to call. Normally, I would have called my Mom, she would have calmed me down and given some words of wisdom.

I felt so alone, so small, and so insignificant.

Realized last night that I am at my limit. If things don't work out...I will probably just pack my bags and head back to Jacksonville with my brother.

I NEED family. It's always what my life has been about, grandparents, mom and dad, my brothers, my neices.

And now, everyone has either moved away, or died. The only people left are my partner and my grandfather. But my grandfather is moving on, seeing someone, spends alot of time with her. I want him to do what he needs to do to heal and get on with his life, but now, I don't even feel like part of his world.

I have said in previous posts, I have never done well on the 'friends' level. I have a few close friends, however, I don't bring them deep into my life. Generally, I do like solitude, but lately, I have had way too much of it.

Hopefully today will be a better day,

Jenny

[cantbelieveit]

Clio31......I am truly sorry for your pain. Maybe you should give yourself a break and go stay with your brother, he sounds like someone you can talk to and who is concerned about you.

Give yourself a change of pace. I get what you mean about family. I always felt close to mine and to loose mom was awful she was the one I would call in situations just like you said. Sounds like you need family right now and if you can go to your brother's then maybe you should. I wish you well, please keep us posted as we all worry.

First and foremost take care of yourself to the best of your ability. Don't put to much pressure on yourself just do what you can and go at your own pace.

Be well you will be in my thoughts.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Clio I am sorry to hear that your partner has left, grief can split people up for awhile, so many emotions out of control. Perhaps some space for both of you will give a clear picture to you both. I hope this happens. I know the feeling, I have bounced back and forth myself. Michelle's death, I think I can call mom and cry, have her comfort....she's gone. I want to call Michelle and vent like we did, I can't she is gone. I feel so insignificant that I feel I don't even exist. I am totally and completely lost. Go to your brother's...lean on family, please. If I could I would be at my son's but I can't right now. To many resposibilities I have to take care of here. I tell you true, if I could I would crawl under a rock for good. Love, Dee

[deewithgreeneyes]

To all my friends out there..I could not think of anyhting better than to share with you words I found in Michelle's journal after the death of her first baby Sierra.

The following was written by Michelle after the death of her first child...

Do not persue the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. The past no longer is. The future has yet to come. Looking deeply at life as it is, in the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom. We must be dilligent today. Tomorrow is to late. Death comes unexpectedly. How can we bargain with it? The sage calls a person who knows how to dwell in mindfulness night and day, one who knows the better way to live alone.

Do not rely on individuals, rely on the teachings. Do not rely on words, rely on the meaning. Do not rely on adapted meaning, rely on ultimate meaning. Do not rely on inteleectual knowledge, rely on wisdom.

That is my beautiful daughter, an old soul, a wise soul. Please everyone remember her words, she will live on in all of us.

[DeeAnn]

Dear Dee....

That's simply beautiful. Thanks for sharing it...

DeeAnn

[tara12]

HELLO DEE AND EVERYONE,

Yes , very good words , did she write them or is it a quote from somewhere? whichever is amazing and very wise and true words to understand and live by..... and defintely a attitude and veiw to develop and experience ..........

thankyou for sharing it with us ... and with me this morning ........

i have been feeling down again and tired and scared . so it helps... another reminder ....... i went to the dr myself , some tests and not all great , but i wont go on about that here ....... just not great is all ... and means more ahead for me that will challenge ...

anyway , today is raining and the weekend and i plan to take it easy and try be gentle and forgiving of myself and others and feel safe and loved , somehting i feel rarely these days .......

be well and talk soon ...... thanks again dee....love to everyone else , HEY joesph and clittle and dee ann and clio and cant beleive it ......

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Tara, yes she wrote those, from her own beautiful mind. I am sorry you are feeling out of sorts, try and get rest. Hibernate until the winter. I got some meds from the doctor that is making me sleep quite a bit. He said sleep is important because you really can crack up without it. I wish you and Michelle could have surfed together, she would have like you...Love, Dee

[clittlelady]

DEE: Michelle's Words.... what a brilliant light in a time of darkness. What perfect timing for their penetration into your heart, as well as ours. Thank you for sharing that. I believe we all needed to hear those words. How our world can change in one moment! Dee, You're still in my thoughts, daily. I thing your daughter was a chip off of her Mother, a very wise woman.

TO ALL:

I believe that I was handed a miracle, my Husband and I. Our 1 1/2 year old Rottweiler, Sailor, Woke us up two nights ago, barking fearlessly and relentlessly. My husband then realized our home was on fire. One solitary moment seemed to last for days... moving in slow motion, half dressed scrambling around, half asleep. When we entered our hallway, the strong smell of electrical wiring burning. Our heating unit was on fire. My husband ran to shut of the breaker box as I went for a phone. Wires were popping and fire shooting and smoke filling our home. I couldn't find my cell phone or a flashlight. In tears, I finally found my phone and called 911... reported it and hung up. All I could think of was my pets. Made three trips in to get them all. Threw the small ones in may car and backed it out into the street. Put Sailor out in our back yard. It was so cold that night and as the fire truck drove up, I thought of my memories, my mother's memories, everything... how it could all be gone in minutes. I was Standing outside, barefooted, my husband inside with a fire extinguisher, which didn't work properly. I was numb and in an instant, I just let it all go. I was afraid the fire had gotten into our attic, where all my treasures are. I suddenly realized, they're all just things. Mom couldn't take them with her when she went and neither will I, so I wasn't going to let it consume me, if I lost it all. My pets and my husband and I were safe, that's all that mattered. The firemen got it under control. It didn't go into the attic and all that was lost was the heating unit. I was so thankful my husband was home. Had he been working and I been there alone, I probably wouldn't have thought to shut off the breaker box and the fire would have spread faster throughout the electrical system. I thank God, I gave in and said yes to my husband bringing home a precious little Rottweiller pup a year and a half ago. I really thought it was bad timing then, because Mom was in such a bad shape and I was about to face tendon repair of my right elbow. This loyal pet definitely showed his love for us. As a little boy of 10 years old, my husband stood outside with his six brothers and sisters and his mom, as their entire home burned to the ground. It was in the middle of winter, with several feet of snow on the ground. They had only the clothes on their back. I remember him telling me how at that moment, he saw the difference between life's value and the value of "things".

[deewithgreeneyes]

Thanks clittlelady...my email address is deeappel@cox.net. I am trying to e mail my friends without the board. Some things happening that I need to share with all of my friends but don't want to post. Has to do with her dad. I virtually went biserk today when I saw that he had posted Michelle had moved with him in 1987. She did because she wanted to know her dad but he spent next to zero time with Michelle and she moved in with me a year later because of it. Would like to chat with you all about this as I am so angry that it is scary. Love, Dee