Loss of a Mother

[littlebug]

Hi Papermoon,

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. It's part of the grieving process. You'll go through shock, anger, and disbelief. All sorts of emotions. I was angry for a long time, and I still am at times because I kept saying why did he have to take her now? I have my first child on the way and I need her here now. That still bothers me. But deep, deep down I know that God had a reason for all of this that I'm not supposed to understand for some reason. Mom's death was totally unexpected and sudden also. Someone once told me that maybe she went that way so she didn't have to suffer long. She had just been put on oxygen 3 weeks before (to use as needed). She had heart trouble and emphezema. (Neithor had to do with her death) We watched my dad go through all of this for several years. And I know she didn't want to go through what he did. And he just passed away 2 years ago so she was still sad and lonley with out him. They were married for 51 years. Now she is with him and not doubt happy and healthy now. That is where I think she wanted to be. It was mentioned on this board once before that all of our mothers and other loved ones are up there getting to know eachother and probably had a hand in all of us being here on this site helping eachother. I thought that was a pretty neat idea.

When I first lost her, I wanted to stay in the bed all the time. I had to force myself to get up and face the day. It was kind of like an escape for all of the hurt for a while. I can relate with you on that. It was several weeks before I had a dream about her. I think you have them when you really need them. I believe you will have one of both your mother and grandmother exactly at the time you need to. Have you been alone and crying, hurting so bad then all of the sudden stop and have a huge sense of peace for awhile? And didn't know why? I've done this and have heard of others that have experienced this. I believe they are still here to comfort us. It is so hard to lose them and just go on with life. But, think about this. If they can really still see us, and know what's going on here, then how would it make them feel to see us hurting, crying and giving up on everything? This is what I think about, sometimes it helps. I hope you have a better day today. Keep in touch and I am here anytime you want to talk.

[Guest Guest]

On January 13 2006, I lost my mom. After numerous days and weeks of going to the hospital 5 and 6 times a day, watching the one woman I love and respect more than anyone slip further and further away.

In the beginning of December last year. She had emergency bowel surgery, she was in the hospital for 16 days recovering. Then they sent her to a nursing home for 4 days....then back to the hospital by ambulance from complications of the surgery and phenumonia. On the same day my mom went badck to the hospital my father also landed himself a stay at the hospital. Fortunately, my father went home a few days after Christmas, without his gall bladder. My mom however, would never recover completely.

Sometime shortly before New Years, her bowels started working again. ANd I thought what a relief, and all in an instant a month had already passed.

A couple days later, after numerous attempts to regulate her heart, she had a stroke. Leaving her paralyzed on her left side. Unable to speak or swallow, and so much for the miracle of her bowels working again. I went to her bedside night and day, sometimes going to see her in the middle of the night, becasue some how I knew that she would not be coming home.

On January 11th, we decided as a family no more.

On January 13th, I got a call at work (I am a professional driver) from my father that she was running a 106 degree temperature. I sat on the side of the road and I cried, and just begged God to not let her go until I got there.

At 9:34pm, I and my daughter was there when she passed. And I just sat there, numb, waiting for the rain....and it didnt come. Not for weeks. I don't know if this is all part of this greiving process. But now it seems like all it takes is for me to see someone with their mom, and I just sob like a little baby.

Thanks for allowing me to share. I miss you mom.

[groy58]

Guest

My mother died November 4, 2005 and if you read back some post you will see that you have joined a family that understands where you are and will listen. I can tell you that I miss my mother everyday and there is no telling what will bring me to tears. Just let it out and Know that there are other motherless children that will always support you. We think that our mothers lead us to this site to comfort one another. And I can tell you that at times this has been the only place where I can really share what I am feeling. I pray that each day gets a little easier for each of us. will post more later.

Love to everyone,

Giselle

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I just went through the same loss you're going through.

My name is Thom and my Mother went into the hospital on the 18th of December 2005. She had holes in her colon. They did surgery and it looked like she would be recovering. They moved her out of ICU and into a hospital room. Three days after doing that she had an infection where her needle had gone into her neck for feeding. She went back into ICU and several days later she came back out again and back into a regular hospital room. I live out of State and drove 6 hours to be at her bedside. I drove back home getting ready to go to work each time she was put into a regular hospital room. Now it's January 2006. I got a call from my Dad to come again when she had to go back into surgery to clean out infection from her colon area. She again started to get better and was put into a regular hospital room. I went back home and not two days later I got a call from my Mom's doctor stating there was nothing they could do any longer. My Mom got infected again, all we could do now was wait until she passed away. The poison leaked into her and her internal organs started slowing shutting down until her heart finally stopped and she was gone. During this process she got all of her wishes granted from GOD. She was put into a private room and she got to see all of her kids and grandkids and great-grandkids. She was 71 years old when the angels came and lead her to Heaven. She was taken from us the 31st of January 2006. I miss my Mother something awful. I loved her with all of my heart. She did everything for us kids when we were growing up and even after we were grown she helped out when she was able. She was a very caring person. I know she is with GOD and her Mom and Dad who are in Heaven as well. I am looking forward to the day when GOD tells me it's time for me to go. I don't know when that time will be so I have to be ready at any time; which I am. I believe in GOD and I have accepted Jesus into my life as my personal savior.

I hope this has been some comfort to you.

God Bless You and your family.

Thom

[eulaha]

When my mother passed away last September, I flew into town to help arrange the funeral, but I left the day after the funeral. I just had to get out of there. I needed time to process my grief and sorrow, and seeing as I was never really close to anyone in my family other than my mother, I didn't feel much like sticking around.

Well, it's been about six months now, and like most people who are grieving, I have my good days and bad days. My boyfriend's mother keeps telling me that I need to go visit my family, so that I can "get some closure". Well, I'm not sure how going back to California to visit my family will provide me with any "closure"! If anything, I think it will cause me to grieve more. I would stay with my sister, in the same house where my mom died. I would be sleeping in the same bed where my mom slept, etc. In my present state of mind, I think making that trip would only hinder the grieving process. What do you all think?

[momsbabygirl]

eulaha ~

I am very close with my family so I can't speak from a point of view of having issues with family members, but I too wanted to avoid going back home at all costs. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I was an emotional wreck. I knew that I had to go home to be with my father for the holidays, but the thought of going back to the house where my mother lived and died sent me into panic attacks. I was so mean to my husband for about a month prior to the trip and hardly talked to him. All I could think about was that the last time I made that trip, I buried my mother.

Once in the house for a couple of hours, I felt a strange kind of peace. I sat on couch where she died and went through old photos and a family history that one of her cousins had put together years ago. Being in the house and seeing that my dad was doing good on his own lifted such a weight. I've been feeling good ever since and some days I question whether I should be feeling so good. I miss her like crazy, but I know that I have to go on and live a happy life because that's what she wanted....for her children to be happy. It was like Mom was there in that house telling me that it was alright to move on and that everything was going to be ok.

That has been my experience, but we all have to find our own way of healing and dealing with issues that come along with this process. I wish you luck in making the decision that is going to be best for you and your family.

[groy58]

Eulaha

This is Giselle. I pray that today is one of your good days. I think that for some time you have pondered the idea of going back to California, I do not know if it is closure as you put it, so much as it may be a need to connect with the other’s that were close to your mother. I can tell you that since my mother died one of the things that I think has helped is the sharing of stories of her life with my family. We cry sometimes and then we have laughed sometimes! Once you posted that although you had not been close to your family you seemed to be experiencing some relationship building with your brother. How has that developed? Try to think about the things you have in common with your siblings (no matter how small, smile) and try moving forward from there. My mother died here at home and my siblings and youngest son have all slept in her room and bed. At first I felt this was strange but now I think it does in fact bring them some form of peace and comfort. So I do not think you staying in the house with your sister, were your mother died would be a bad thing at all. You may find some peace. Family is an important part of who we are, like them or not. I used to think that once my mother died I would not see or hear from her sister’s anymore except on holidays. But much to my surprise we have become a lot closer, I think because we realize now that we are each other’s connection to her and many other memories of our past that we do not want to forget. So we talk more now than we probably ever have. I guess I said all that to say Go See Your Family or at least pick up the telephone call them, reach out to them and make the best effort you can to be closer. It would probably make your mother smile. Well there’s my two cent worth. Let me know what you think and how you are.

Love to you,

Giselle

[josephb]

well i turned 21 on the 20th of this month and had the second surgery on the 8th. i have my ups and downs mosty downs when im thinking of my mom.once my leg heals im going to college and will be majoring in exercise biology im thinking about becoming a physical therapist who specializes in sports medicine.i hope everyone is doing ok

[groy58]

Josephb, HOW GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!!!! Your post brings such joy to my heart. I have been praying for you everyday and worrying about where you have been. I hope that you are recuperating well from your surgery. Have you started any PT yet? I am so proud to hear you are going to go to college and PT’s make a real good income. You have to have a very caring heart to want to do that kind of work, I knew you had it in you!!! You Go Boy!!!!!!, SMILE. Are you still home at your grandmother’s?

I love you and you made my day,

Giselle

P.S. I got so excited I forgot to say Happy Belated Birthday. You are legal now, smile!!!

[josephb]

sorry for not posting. it's just i feel like i cannot help anyone on here or offer any kind of advice.instead of asking everyone on here and everyone i know questions i decided to find the answer's within myself.things that bother me that happened in the past, like how i treated my mom(fighting with her as a teen and my drug use) or how others treated her(the way my grandma was to her in my moms life and in her last couple weeks) cannot be changed.there's a song by kenny wayne sheppard called "blue on black" and in the song he says "wrong cannot be undone" when i start looking at everything in hindsight, i think about those lyrics and it brings me back to reality. i feel sorry for many things i have done and things others have done to my mom, but i cannot go back and change anything.you know i love her and miss her and i wish everything would have turned out differently

Giselle,

thank you for the happy birthday. i am still in a cast,but i go back to the doctor monday and hopefully it should be removed and i can start physical therapy.i am still living with my grandma without her i would not have been able to go through these surgeries.thanks for caring about me i had no idea i was missed

[tara12]

well , dad is gone too ...... so I am an orphan now and no partner and no children , hmmmmmmm. intersting realisation ......ok though , lots of friends and love of the universe ...... sad though no matter what , all deaths are sad , all losses are huge , no more no less than any other ..... so I feel for all of us here in this other world of inbetween the space and times of life and living...... they say when a person dies there is a moment when it is like awakening from a long dream ....... i feel myself to be in a long dream...... today I woke finally at home again and felt that I haD CULTURE SHOCK , like i had been to india or perhaps it was the moon .? hmmm or anyway another place .... u all know what I mean..........as hard as this is , it is also a time to make freinds with our own fears , restlessness , anxieties , sadness , aloness ..... be gentle to our hearts and remeber how precious each moment is ......

my dad is gone , my mum is gone ....... so be it. love in the universe is where they now dwell......... as do we all in essence.

be well ,all ..........

[clittlelady]

Hi to All.

It's been a while since I've posted. I read, but I can't explain exactly why I haven't felt comfortable with posting. There are so many new people here, the Cycle continues, the Journey, the grief. Mother has been gone seven months and I believe I can say I've come to a place of peace within myself in her absence now. I miss her tremendously and still have urges in a fraction of a second to pick up the phone and call her. Then it hits me, just as fast, that she is gone. As deep as my pain and suffering has been in her illness and watching her die, I never thought I would be at this place, this point of acceptance. I guess I just want to offer encouragement to all here with recent losses, that even though your heart is breaking and you have lost someone so dear and precious in your life, we will continue. We're still here. The pain will ease somewhat, but the void I think will always be there, after all, there is no replacing a Mother's Love. I hold onto my precious memories and count my blessings for what I did have and for the time she and I had together, that's what gets me through each day. We had a very special bond and I do feel her warmth with me at certain times. I catch myself thinking "What would Mother say about this or that?" Spring was our time of the year. She taught me a love for gardening and the great outdoors. As every bud begins and turns to full bloom, I'm reminded of her. It still seems so surreal at times, but I feel her love.

Giselle:

My friend, It's good to speak with you again. Your special spirit radiates in every word. I hope all has been well with you.

Joseph:

It is so good to see you here again, to hear from you. I have to be honest here, I felt I had said something to perhaps offend you and that is the reason you had not been back. I really felt that I probably should hang out somewhere else for a while. I've never intended to hurt anyone, I promise and if I did, please accept my apology. I'm glad you've made it through your surgery and hope you continue to mend so that you may pursue your goals. I think it's wonderful what you're speaking of doing. I can tell you this, I've had to go to physical therapy with my back. The pain has been so severe at times and this young man, my therapist, has helped me so much. His knowledge and expertise have made a difference in how I'm able to get through my days. It sounds like it could be a rewarding field for you. Good Luck.

Happy Belated Birthday to You. I know you feel much older than 21, with everything you've been through, but you're going to be fine. You're going to continue to succeed.

I wish you nothing but the best in life Joseph, God Bless.

TARA:

How I regret to hear your news of your Father. I'm truly sorry. I know that no matter how much you think you're preparing yourself for the loss, it doesn't make that actual time of death any less painful. You tried to do what you could for him. He had his will and you must remind yourself of that. I will keep you in my prayers. Your purpose continues. I know you were physically not doing well yourself, try to take care of yourself as best you can.

Love to You All and Peace Be With You.

Connie

[groy58]

Everyone

Giselle here, this has been just a wonderful day in that I have heard from so many of you today! I have missed you all so much!!!

Tara12, I know how you feel about being an orphan. My father died four years ago and then my mother in November 2005. I also know that feeling also of being in some awful dream or fog. I hope you know that you are very special to all of us that post here and we will be here to listen and share in your journey. I was glad to know that you had made it back home safely. I pray you found everything in order. How is your weather?

Connie , Girl you know I been looking for you.

Josephb, Of course I care about you. Thanks for bringing us up to date.

Hey Momsbabygirl, good to see you again also.

Eulaha , you got my message, right?

Has anyone heard from Dee, Jenny, Ranae or the rest of the gang?

I spoke to Robbin and she is traveling and coping (Robbin I hope that is OK to say on your behalf).

Thom and all our other’s God bless you and please continue to share.

Lot’s of new souls that need our encouragement, so please continue to check in and keep us all posted.

Well much Love and peace to all and I hope to hear from you again soon.

Your cyber sister,

Giselle

[tara12]

hello , it is weird to be back and all is so strange ....I want to give my dad one more hug , my mum one more hug , isn t it so ......... and we cant , and no matter how much we know that people will die and that we will die, its like we think its strange then when it happens , yet it is the most normal and only thing we can count on ..... ahhh...... i want to call dad up and say , hey dad , rough week huh , are u doing ok ? but then i remember he is gone ....... oh. so sudden and so sweet ......... weird , mum taken for ever , hit by a truck , coma, then years of suffering , and I mean real deep awful suffering ....... and then the death process and the the whole deal........ then dad , just gone , one momnet here , shopping , watering the garden , having afternoon tea , a lie down .... and gone......... so weird... the two extremes.......

hmmm.

so how are you allllllllll/. dee ? are u here

be well everyone , GROY , JPESPH , CLITTLE ,,MOMSBABY , EVERYONE

[blue202]

Oh, Tara,

what u must be going thru is unquestionable.. I cant even put into words what I want to say to you, as the heaviness of the grief fills my heart. I am so sorry.

Its a shame we both live on the other side of the country or we could catch up for a good cry !!!

To all my Mothers Friends, Daughters & Son (thats - Dee, Giselle, Robbin, Joseph, Connie, Momasbabygirl, Eulaha, and all new members here) we are all still trying to get thru this one day at a time.

I remember first coming to this board, before my mum actually died.. Anticipatory Grief - and now I am coming up for the 3rd month on 4th April, and I cant remember who of you said it, but someone said that it really seems to 'hit home' around the 3 month mark - and BOY who ever said it WAS NOT WRONG !!

I have gone from being able to function almost normally during the day, and getting sad at night, to now, being a blubbering mess most of the day at the slightest memory reminder or thought of my mum.

The sorrow and deep loss I am feeling now, is the worst I have felt since the day I sat and watched her die infront of me.

I feel so alone. A deep internal alone, that although I have my dad, and my partner and 2 beautiful little boys, I still feel ALONE.

I have been reading everyones posts, and like you Connie, for some reason have not been able to post myself. But I have wanted to so many times, especially for the new members of our family - I am sorry that I havent been there for you in your time of need, as many were there for me.

And when I read of Taras dad dying, it was just like a huge hammer to the head that we are all feeling so much sadness, and so much hurt, and so much loss.

And I know that everyone says that time heals or helps you learn to live with your grief. And I know that life goes on - I am watching it go right on past me

each and every day these days as I literally do nothing all day but sit -and wonder what I should be doing.

I just feel lost in life. I seem to have no direction or understanding as to my purpose here on earth. I am questioning my spirituallity, and yet seeking answers to life's unanswered questions. Gosh, I am even trying to learn how to meditate, which believe me is not quite happening for me - but I am seeking some

sort of life change, yet I dont know what it is.

So to all of us who are feeling lost, know in your hearts that sometime down the track, however long it may be - WE WILL BE ALRIGHT. I didnt say, good or excellent - but you may be - but we will be ok. I am praying so.

Connie, glad to see you are still around.

Dee, I hope you are ok - St Pat's was hard for both of us xxxxx

Joseph, BE STRONG. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, and yes, even us other strangers on here do all care about you too..

Giselle, You always know how to write in such a way, I smile after your posts.

And to everyone else, stay strong. Externally we are not alone.

We all have each other. And I must say, this is where I run to when I am feeling my lowest... I vent what I need to say, and I know that all you guys truly care and are listening to me .. even during your own time of sorrow.

You really are all beautiful people, and I thank God, that he introduced me to you all...

Be well, and look after yourselves. Your own health is very important. Dont ignore how special YOU all are..

Love Ranae xxx

[groy58]

Ranae, Hey girl I have missed you!!!!! I am so glad to know that you continue to check on us even if you do not feel like posting (I know that feeling well). I want you to know that I and the rest of us here are still with you, no matter the miles that are between us. We love you! I have been home on a week of vacation and I am trying to clean up my bedroom. It has been the worse room in the house every since my mother died in November, so as you can imagine I have a big task in getting reorganized. I am also trying to go through my closet and give away some things that I do not wear anymore. Pray for me that I stay motivated to get it done this time, smile. You made me smile when you said you are a blubbering mess most of the day, girl I can get to crying and just go on and on, I’ve taken to calling them my cleansing tears. I think we all feel alone in this journey, I too have my son’s, siblings and lot’s of relatives and friends. Yet I can not tell you how many times I just want to scream and ask my mother why she left me here alone in this world! I know that feeling of overwhelming grief for the deaths that our other cyber family members continue to have to face. Tara’s dad, Dee’s Michelle, it has felt like loosing my own family. I have just tried to deal with it by staying in prayer for them and us all.

Now listen here I go with my two cent again. God does in deed have a purpose for us all. We have not completed this journey of earthly existence and I myself have been pondering this very question. I think that God is going to reveal to us all just what he would have us to do and it will be great things. Even our friendship is preparing us for the future so we must stay strong and vigilant in our journey!!

Well to Everyone I am home today if anyone would like to chat. I will check back off and on today.

Love and God’s blessing to you all.

Your cyber sister,

Giselle

[tara12]

I feel like **** , today absolutely terrible ........ i had terrible news , i can hardly talk , i am devastated , how could people be so cruel/. i heard this women( an ex buddhist nun ) who i recently met and who i got a ride to a practice with , well I had met her 3 times and had her to dinner and so on .... well i had shared with her , stuff , like my trip to usa coming up and then also how that week i was going tio have dinner at the consualte ( usa ) as I won this scholarship....... anyway , i got a call and she had called someone else and told them ( apparantly from talking to someone esle ) who ???????? apparantly knows me ? that I am a liar , that i did not get this schaolarship , that i did not get this invite and worst THAT MY DAD DID NOT DIE ? far oUT ........... HOW BAD IS THIS.. HOW CRUEL AND MEAN , I WANT TO CALL HER AND BLAST HER , and cont understand what i did to her ? when all i did is have her to lunch , make a cake and get aride with her to a practice ( and paid petrol and bought her coffee on the way ) and then this . and to spread this rumour and not check with me and then to talk to someone else ( supposedly my friend ) and know they told her this , that someone has said to her , I lie and make up stories ., wow , i am amazed.......... i feel unstuck , i feel blown away and shakey and not well and sick in my stomach and angry and lost and afraid and tonight right now is maybe when my dad died , already ....... cause ( he was found maybe 4- 6 hours after he died ) I just feel terrible beyond words........

i want to run away , my adrenaline is pumping something awful......... what do i do ..i am waiting a friend to call me ( she is the one who phoned me to tell me , as the person the other one called , called her to see what the story was ) so its all over the place and i want to talk to her and feel what to do , ithink i shoudl call this woman and say ........ hey ,i heard this ..... and what did you do this for ...... why not ask me directly ......... and then ask who it was who told her this lies ....... it hurts bad ........ i do not need this ....... so much loss and death , alone ...... and surgery next week and now this .......

please send me support ... and love and help me get throught this , is the world so cruel........?

[blue202]

Hey Tara, are you still online ? Probably not, as it is 11pm here in WA and your 3 hours ahead...

Whats your email address? I remember it being at aapt.net.au

Now, I think that you said it yourself - isnt she quote: ( an ex buddhist nun )

Now, you KNOW why she is an EX !! And not practising. People of this ilk do not even have the slightest depth of respect and faith needed to be buddhist...

More like she's and ex-bull*hit nun !! lol

Come on, you have to laugh - I am trying my hardest, was never gonna be a stand up comedian in this life thats for sure !!

Ignorance on your behalf - would be the proudest you could do yourself.

Do not waste your time on someone so un-deserving...

Do not let your entitlment to grieve, be clouded by anger from some halfwit who does not deserve your friendship, let alone all the energy required to remain angry..

Tara, you are truly spritiual - put her in that bubble and send her out into the universe where she can do you no harm ...

We are here for you, we all love you, we all believe you.

Ranae xxx

[momsbabygirl]

Hey all ~ I guess I haven't posted much because I'm feeling that I'm in a good place right now. I am feeling more comfortable with my grief and although it's only been 9 months, I feel almost at peace about my mother's dying. I still miss her like crazy and wish everyday that she was still alive and that I could just pick up the phone and talk with her, but I know that that is not going to happen so I guess that I'm moving past the hurt and anger and onto the acceptance phase. It does feel weird though...some days I wonder if I should be feeling good, if it's ok for me to feel good...I tell myself that it is ok and just take it all one day at a time. Unfortunately, I've experienced a lot of loss in my very large family since the time I was very young. Maybe all of that is helping me to cope with losing Mom...although none of the other losses have held a candle to this one.....

I also haven't posted much because I find it tough to follow along with the format of this site. I wish it was more in a threaded format where we could reply to specific people and posts rather than all of us posting on one page and trying to follow along and search for responses. I'm hoping that the format changes one day soon....

I hope everyone is doing well today....

[asheepoo21]

hey everyone, i am new to this site so im just searching around reading some stories. i am only 16 years old, but i have been throug everything that all of you have been through, and some. i lost my mom 2 years ago in april and my dad, 2 years ago in june. This means that the 2 year anniverseries are coming up and im really not looking foward to them. the 1 years anniverseries were bad, but they always say that they 2nd ones hit you they hardest because i realize that its been 2 years and you are not going to get them back. Plus, the 1st one you know is coming because its supposed to be such a big thing, and the 2nd year just knocks on your back door.

if anyone would like to email me and share your story or some sort of encouragement, that would be great. its nice to know that you have someone to talk to who has been through some of the same stuff that you have.

thank you all

ashley

bigbrat502@yahoo.com

[groy58]

Everyone

Here we go with my feedback, before I get to writing forgive the absent mind of a grieving old woman if I skip around a bit, smile.

Momsbabygirl; It is a blessing to feel that you are in a good place about the death of your mother. We all strive to be where you are, this journey just takes each of us down different roads at different times. I hope that you will realize that you can continue to post and give encouragement to others who have or will suffer one the most painful periods of their lives, the death of a mother (or other loved one). If you had told me just one year ago that I would think anything that I could say or do would help others all across the land to deal with the grieving process I would have told you that you were the one that was crazy. I now know with a clarity that is not very often granted since my mothers death that by sharing here and coming to care very deeply for those that are suffering like me, I am growing on this earthly and on a spiritual plane. I am sure in my heart that I will come through this process a better person for having gotten to know you and all the other souls that pass by here and share very intimate parts of their lives with us. I feel truly blessed in having the opportunity to forge some friendships here that I am sure will endure for the rest of my life.

Ranae; What wise words you left for Tara. It is a shame the changes humans go through in order to make themselves feel better or more important, even more worthy than their fellow human beings! It is also sad to me that some people chose to use the cloak of religion whatever denomination to come across as respectable people. My mother used to say that you can not tell lies about who you are without the real you coming to light, in other words good will show for good and bad will show for bad.

Tara; Do not waste your life trying to be what others expect you to be. Why follow up with gossip that is not going to better your inner spiritual self??? Just let that women disappear from your inner circle and pray for her. You have many other people that care for you. Girl have you ever heard the saying “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. Sounds like to me you would do better to start packing for your trip and preparing your mind for what you need to accomplish while you are here in the US. One more thing, Are the person(s) that told you all of this really the friends you think they are??? Friends do not bring you pain.

Now you all know I am waiting for your feedback on my thoughts!

Love and God’s blessings to you,

Your cyber sister,

Giselle

[tara12]

Hello there ,

BLUE .......... YES , YOU ARE RIGHT , MOVE ON AND NOT GIVE IT FOCUS or time , its ok , it is not helpful to her or me to focus on this stuff... she is unwell obviously........ and as you said , an x , says it all ...... she is struglling and petty and better to protect myself and in some ways this was a warning and teaching for me , to not be so obviously open , which i am , and it gets me hurt.

be more discerning and know not all people mean the best, is the trick for sure and somehting i need to learn and fast....... as this trip comes close and i have so much to do.....

thanks for your concerns. and thanks for the laugh..... as well..... its a tough time for me . but this is life and it is ok and i can and am a warrior and i will use all these things to grow and get deeper and live fully.

blessings and thanks to all/.

send me your email blue.... your in wa . wow. kewl.

maybe we cna talk ?

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi all my loved friends...I am still here. I am so sorry for everyone's pain, so sorry. Tara I am sorry of the betrayal you are feeling and the loss of your father. I swear to all of you I am trying to keep up with the post's but I can't. I don't even want to go on with what is happening with me. It is what it is. I really don't know about tomorrow for me but I do know the tomorrow's for all of you will be softer as time goes by. We all have been abandoned or at least feel like it. Our mother's can never be replaced nor can the loss. As for myself...life is no longer as I knew it. Slipping deeper and deeper into a dark hole and losing touch with everything day by day. I love all of you and wish I could sacrafice myself to ease the pain of grief for everyone I care about. If I could I would but I can't.

[tara12]

DEE ,

PLEASE , do not drift in this dark hole , u do not have to go there , and if you do there may be a long time and difficutl journey back., this will not bring michelle back nor your mum , I do understand it , in some small way , i feel the loss and the resignation , or is it just numbness ? of how life is and human existence ...... and i am tired to the bone ........ as must you be also.... just tired out ............ so , suffering , it is life ...... but there is somehting deeper ...... find this , u have it , i have it , all humans have it , do not give up and go into the abyss of dark lost places...... u can wander there and it is very lonley ....... not even michelle will be there ..... noone is there......... not even urself/. do not abandon YORSLEF........

I AM HERE AND I CARE .... AND IT IS NOT ABOUT SCARIFCING , THERE IS NOOONE TO SAVE , WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER , ITS HUMAN , ITS LIFE , ITS HOW IT IS ....... JUST BE FRIENDS TO THIS STATE , FIND A WAY TO BEFIREND THE HURT AND FEAR AND ANGER ......... YOU CAN / WE CAN , I CAN , WE HAVE TO , ITS THE ONLY WAY , IT SOUR PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE ........... I THINK.;

XO XOX XO

[josephb]

Connie,

i was not offended by anything you said.in my last post i said i decided to not ask everyone on here my questions and to find the answers myself

a while back my grandma told me that if it wouldnt of been for me she would only have seen my mom maybe 2 or 3 times while she was in hospice.well last night we got to talking about my mom and i asked her if she missed my mom and she said no

[tara12]

I feel terrible , really bad , i feel hsakey inside and like i can barely talk to anyone ,a friend , co worker came over this morning and she is saying she will leave the job..... that puts extra pressure on me ... as I also am today telling them I am leaving as well......... and so i feel terrible...... then she wanted to know about my dad and i couldnt even go there , i just cant , i need a mental break with nothing and no interferences.. people seem to think they are being supportive with there questions , but infact it just makes more work for me , to try answer them and try keep my emotions from overhwleming me...... i dont think people understand this very well , hell , we know this , i know this , i saw this when mum died ........ and now with dad its even more so , some how , i think losing both amost together is even too hard for me to understand and intergrate and feel..... i suspect DEE , this may have been some of how it is for you ...... 2 huge deaths in 4 mths..... mum and dad..... and for you your mum and daughter .... though i know losing your daughter is in many ways more shocking , as to lose parents we expect to some extent and is natural//////// but , still , its hard and my dad , though i knew it could be anytime ( due to mum dying , his fargility since then and age ) he was out watering the garden and if anything had been better than ever ... happier and more energetic ....... so it was a shock ... and i think i am back here and its NOW only just starting to sink in . a bit and now i feel worse than i did.. i feel terrible .i feel this huge empty pit and fear or something ? not sure . everything feels upside down and unceetain and IS uncertain .........I have surgery tommorrow. think of me , send me healing and see me whole... im scared for this ...... scared about money , scared about whats next ? the will , the house , the dynamaics , the conflicts , SCARED ./ AND NO GROUND TO HOLD ON TO. i am meant ot be leaving soon , packing up and going . and everything is upside down like a pancake ....... ah

anway , anyone feel to write me , i could use the support ...... i hope i am here again ......hope i wake up after surgery...... who knows ? nothing is certain........ regardless , be well and may we all find our way to be free of the suffering and to become fully liberated in the truth of our primordial essence that is truly who we all are.......... I know this is all just a dream and just something to go through and be with and learn from...... all will be ok.

be well yourselves and stay strong and know we are all held somehwere in this universe in a field of love/.

[eulaha]

Hi all, just checking in...

I feel terrible, because I haven't called my family in California in over two months. I guess I just feel like I don't know what to say...I never EVER talked to my brother and sister before my mom died (except when they answered the phone, and I'd say a polite "hello", or when I came to visit when my mom was alive, and even then we didn't talk all that much).

My mom's birthday falls on Good Friday, and I'm thinking about going to Cali for a visit...I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that yet. But, it would be nice to have some of my sister's good cooking, and to see my 2 nieces and my nephew...I dunno, it's just so much to be thinking about...

About a month ago, my psychiatrist discontinued my usage of remeron (for anxiety), and I'm really feeling it. I think she needs to put me back on it again. I'll see her in a few days and will discuss it with her then...

[eulaha]

Tara,

I think I know what you mean when you say you need a mental break. The day after my mom died, I was getting phone calls all day long, and it really drove me over the edge. It got to the point where I turned off my cell phone and had my boyfriend answer the landline phone. Because I am the oldest and the beneficiary of her life insurance policies, I had to make a majority of the decisions pertaining to the funeral expenses. Family members I hadn't spoke to in over year were now calling me-sometimes 3 to 4 times a day, until the day I flew into Cali to attend the funeral. It was really taxing-mentally. After I returned from the funeral, once again I turned off both phones and I let the answering machine pick up the messages. I just needed some time to process all that had happened. I think that people mean well when they call to offer condolences or to ask how we're doing, but I don't think they understand that constantly calling us can really push us over the edge...

[groy58]

Eulaha

Will you send me your email address I want to talk to you.

Giselle

[eulaha]

Hi Giselle,

My email addy is: Eulaha@aol.com

[momsbabygirl]

eulaha & tara ~

I come from a very close family, but I too needed that mental break in order to process in my own way, the heartache of losing my mother. My sister and I are many years apart and I felt that everytime she called, she was trying to take the place of my mother in my life. I know it's not true, it's just that suddenly, she was calling more than ever and I sort of resented that she was calling instead of Mom. I called my father every week, more out of feeling like I had to than wanting to because every time I called, I wanted Mom to answer the phone and I knew that she wasn't going to. For me, having contact with family after losing my Mom was difficult because I was constantly reminded (not verbally, but I just felt it) that Mom was no longer here with me in person. It took 6 months of putting off phone calls and visits before I felt ok enough to let it all go. I wish you both well.

Tara ~ I am sending good thoughts your way....

[kjaceyma]

3 1/2 months.. blue, it's really hitting home for me, too... very sad, very emotionally unstable right now -- 2 hours of sleep last night, after "Oh, God!" (starring George Burns) completely freaked me out... taking a personal day today to maybe sleep a little and try to relax.

i let my fish go last week, who was dying and i couldn't deal with it, i was getting so upset - grieving my fish was dredging up memories of my mom, suffering in the hospital.

also my great-uncle died a couple of weeks ago.. i didn't really know him but it is another loss for my family...

continuing to feel so much sadness for my father and my brother...

it's just hard right now.

[asheepoo21]

last night was crazy. i had a HUGE breakdown while writing in my journal. I just keep thinking that the 2 year anniversary of moms death is only 15 days away and im dreading it soooooo bad. Now i really know that it is going to be a LONG time until i ever see my mom again, and i cant take it. Im only 16 years old, and its not fair that all of my friends get to have their moms and i dont. What did i do to deserve not having my best friend anymore. People tell me that im such a stong person because at the age of 15 i didnt have a mom or a dad and i had lost 4 family members in 8 months, but if they could see the inside of me, they would say different. they would see that i have breakdowns at least 3-4 times a week, that i dont feel the need to live anymore, and such things. They would understand that if it werent for my friends being there to push me, that i would have already dropped out of highshchool and wouldnt care what it took for me to live my life. People just dont understand. It just hurts so bad and i dont know what to do.

im going over the edge and i cant stop myself.

[eulaha]

Hello all,

It seems like a lot of us are feeling blue. I pray that our days will be filled with sunshine.

My mom's birthday is next Friday-April 14, and already I'm dreading that day. She would have been 55. My poor, tiny little mother-so young to have died of a heart attack. My beautiful, caring, kind, loving mother.

I was listening to a song that was playing at the supermarket-about how we should be thankful. The song made me mad! "What do I have to be thankful for?" I thought. "I no longer have a mother. I'm certainly not thankful!!" Just thought I'd share that.

[asheepoo21]

Hello all,

It seems like a lot of us are feeling blue. I pray that our days will be filled with sunshine.

My mom's birthday is next Friday-April 14, and already I'm dreading that day. She would have been 55. My poor, tiny little mother-so young to have died of a heart attack. My beautiful, caring, kind, loving mother.

I was listening to a song that was playing at the supermarket-about how we should be thankful. The song made me mad! "What do I have to be thankful for?" I thought. "I no longer have a mother. I'm certainly not thankful!!" Just thought I'd share that.

EXACTLY! i understand where you are coming from. that makes me soooooo mad when people say that. ughhhhh it makes me mad just thinking about it. im sorry for your loss. my mom died at 33 years old and every anniversary just about kills me. it will be 2 years for her on april 18th and im dreading it so.

if you need to talk, im here!

[kjaceyma]

please, may i make it through this day at work... irritable, depressed, moody, tired (though i slept a full night).

i'm having an initial consultation with a therapist tonight.. we'll see how that goes..

thinking of you all*

[papermoon]

Asheepoo21: I'm 19 and lost my mother in February (we were extremely close - think of gilmore girls) of a heart attack the very night after my grandmother passed away of cancer. It was so much all at once and it is JUST now dawning on me what has happened. It's beginning to feel real. For so long, nothing did. I was completely numb.

...You would think with weeks passing, it would get better. That a month later it would be a little easier to deal with. It's the complete opposite. The numbness melts away as the days stretch on, and you are left feeling as if someone has rubbed your heart raw. It hurts physically, emotionally, psychologically.

Everyone I hug & say bye to - whether it be on the telephone or in person - I prepare myself. I think "This might be the last time I ever see them". I cannot get away from wondering "What's gonna happen next? Who's it gonna be?"

I know that cannot be healthy, but I cannot help it.

...I totally relate to the song making you mad, Eulaha! I get so furious when some of my friends complain about their moms/parents, fight with them over the stupidest little things, and talk about them behind their backs when they don't know how good they've got it. It pisses me off to no end. I mean, I don't think I've ever been so mad as when one of my good friends (pampered and spoiled, of course) said the other day "I hate my mom sometimes."

I wanted to scream.

[asheepoo21]

Asheepoo21: I'm 19 and lost my mother in February (we were extremely close - think of gilmore girls) of a heart attack the very night after my grandmother passed away of cancer. It was so much all at once and it is JUST now dawning on me what has happened. It's beginning to feel real. For so long, nothing did. I was completely numb.

...You would think with weeks passing, it would get better. That a month later it would be a little easier to deal with. It's the complete opposite. The numbness melts away as the days stretch on, and you are left feeling as if someone has rubbed your heart raw. It hurts physically, emotionally, psychologically.

Everyone I hug & say bye to - whether it be on the telephone or in person - I prepare myself. I think "This might be the last time I ever see them". I cannot get away from wondering "What's gonna happen next? Who's it gonna be?"

I know that cannot be healthy, but I cannot help it.

...I totally relate to the song making you mad, Eulaha! I get so furious when some of my friends complain about their moms/parents, fight with them over the stupidest little things, and talk about them behind their backs when they don't know how good they've got it. It pisses me off to no end. I mean, I don't think I've ever been so mad as when one of my good friends (pampered and spoiled, of course) said the other day "I hate my mom sometimes."

I wanted to scream.

hey there. i am in the same boat. my friends sometimes argue with their parents and all and it just makes me so mad because they have a mom and i dont. and they shouldnt talk to them like that. ughhhhh

i know this lady whom i am realllllllllllly close to, her name is laura, shes like a 2nd mom to me. before my mom passed away, my mom told laura to make sure that she was going to be there for me whenever i needed her. well laura has kids and they are younger than me, but whenever they yell at her, roll their eyes, backtalk her, i seriously go off on them and tell them how lucky they are to have a mother, and that one day their mom will be gone and they will feel like ****.

anyhoo, im about to leave to go out of town. if you need to talk, my email is bigbrat502@yahoo.com

good luck. xoxo ashley

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH: My Friend, I'm so glad to hear from you. I think of you often and your moving forward and healing, both physically and emotionally, as well as can be expected at this point in your life. I was so very sorry to hear what your grandma told you. Sorry that apparently she didn't know love, the way it was meant for families to share and unfortunately there are many in her shoes. I believe you will succeed in your life. You know where you've been, now where you go, is up to you. I'm believing in you Joseph. Take Care.

Connie

[cantbelieveit]

Hello everyone....

I have a lot of catching up to do. I am borrowing a friend's computer for the day.

I hope everyone is well. I look forward to reading and finding out what is new. You have all been on my mind and I miss signing on. I miss my computer but it is at the computer hospital and hopefully getting fixed.

I moved this weekend. My dad's house is almost ready to go up for sale. The leave of absence I got from work has proved to be a good in some ways.

I have been thinking alot about mom, more and more each day. It is 6 months today. I can not believe it, 1/2 a year. I picture her healthy smiling face. I feel like it is finally real and not so clouded any more she is gone. I hate to think it I hate to say it. I appreciate all support and advice from you all thank you for listening I will check back in as soon as I can.

Thanks........

[josephb]

Connie,

your words always make me feel better,thanks.speaking of healing how is your back?

when i first lost my mom almost 4 months ago, i would have these dreams where my mom was still alive, but extremely sick and i would take care of her. the dreams always ended with me getting in a fight or somekind of confrontation with several people at once.i would wake up and the first thing i thought was, my mom is gone. in my dreams, i felt happiness that i could see my mom and i was by her side. then i would wake up and come to the realization that it was just a dream. i would get that reminder almost everynight, but now in my dreams my mom gone and all i have is nightmares.sometimes when i get to thinking of my mom and her cremation i feel like i am losing it and going insane

i am currenty reading a book by Terry Mcbride called "the hell i cant" Terry had an ecoli infection that spread throughout his body and he had to have around 20 different surgeries that still would not rid his body of the infection.the doctors told him he would always have a closomy(sp?) bag and probably be paralyzed for the rest of his life.the book has many referecense to the bible how god always says yes to your beliefs and that you can create you reality which terry did by healing himself i actually met him in a seminar at my grandma's church

http://www.terrymcbride.info/thic.asp there's a link if you want to learn more probably didnt describe the book all that good but it's worth checking out

[laportam]

Wow. I can really relate to those dreams about your mother. When my mom died almost a year ago I had some good dreams in the beginning which made me feel like she was coming to me to comfort me, but lately it's been bad dreams. I think cause the one year anniversary is approaching (April 13th). The dreams are like yours where she's sick. It's all a part of grieving unfortunatly. You're still at the real beginning stage being only 4 months ago so I'm sure it's so much to digest. I wish you strength.

If anyone has any insight on how to get through my first anniversary of my mothers death I would really appreciate it. Thanks...

Mary Ann

[tara12]

SO 2 WEEKS on and I woke this morning , I feel distressed....... worrying about things I have no comtrol or power over , hard to talk about even. this is all hard , mum , dad , my surgery , life right now./ people .... i dont know about people anymore either , seems theres very few i want to be around really. right now , all i want it silence .

how is everyone ? DEE , clittle , renane , jpseph everyone , momas babay , ect. be well take care ok

[eulaha]

I can relate to the dreams. In the beginning, I dreamed that my mom came to me, and we would talk about things. Then, she's say that that it was time for her to leave, and I would cry and say, "No, please don't go!!" She's give me a big hug, then leave. And I'd wake up crying.

Lately, the dreams have been ordinary dreams, except that my mom is with me. I'll start talking to my mom, and then something in the back of my mind reminds me that she's dead. Then, I usually wake up, sometimes crying, sometimes not.

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH:

Thanks for telling me about the book, I think I'll see if I can find it this weekend. Remember when we talked in the past, that's kind of what I was trying to say, in that the choices are within us, our free will, how we overcome obstacles or succumb to the darkness. That sounds like what he did, chose to fight for himself. I'm sorry that your nights are interrupted with unpleasant nightmares. Sometimes I feel it's our mutlitude of subconscious emotions in turmoil struggling with many different influences in conscious life that causes such nightmares. Wish you didn't experience them. For a long time after my brother died, for years, the only dreams I had of him were nightmares, the same one pretty much, several times a year. We had no ill feelings towards each other, but yet they seemed very aggressive in nature and haunting. Only a few years ago did I experience my first pleasant dream of him.

Your love for your Mother was and is honest. She wouldn't want you to consciously dwell on things that cause you pain, such as the cremation, as you mentioned. However the final arrangements unfolded, believe me, it would never be pleasant to recall, as it has been the most painful experience of our lives. The hardest thing to live through and put behind us, if we ever can. I understand.

Thank you for asking about my back. This week has been extremely painful, went to a specialist yesterday and he manipulated my back and caused even more pain. I'm suppose to have an outpatient procedure next week, where he will inject my spine in several different locations, while looking at it on an x-ray. Hopefully, it will give me some relief. I'm trying to keep my chin up though. I have to keep moving and trying not to give in to it. The next option has something to do with going in and cauterizing the nerve endings around some of my little bone things on my disks????? Hope I don't have to go there.

Joseph, my friend, be strong. Use your intelligence. You're going to succeed.

Talk to you later...

Connie.

[clittlelady]

P.S. JOSEPH:

Honey, I miss my Mother so bad right now. I still love her and always will. She's been gone almost eight months now. I'll always have a huge emptiness in my heart for her. We will all always share that. A month before she died, I was so depressed, my husband took me away from her home for a while, to try to pick up my spirits. While in town, he made me test drive a brand new,Baby Blue Mustang, convertible that I had been drooling over for several months. For a split moment, my spirit felt a moment of release from the months of sadness I had been carrying with me, as she was deteriorating in her health. That same car has sat on the lot ever since. I've drove past it and remembered that day, many times. So I tried to deal for the car a couple of times and could not negotiate a deal, even after bringing it home for a couple of days. That was in February. The car continue to sit there. Guess what? Um hum.. I finally ticked of the sales manager by telling him he could continue to pay inventory fees and taxes monthly on that brand new '05, while the '07s roll on his lot and he finally met my price. I've driven it every day with the top down, that the sun has been shining. I've had it two weeks. I keep feeling like Mother is with me, loving it too, because I knew she would have gotten a kick out of it, even as a little old lady. It's the only feeling of living I've had in a long, long time. Just wanted to share that with you.

Luv Ya

Your Friend...Connie

[tara12]

Hello c little , i am sorry u feeling sad and missing ur mum and also everyone here , i feel for u , i do ....... what to do , with this emptiness and aloneness...... it feels to me noone understands , i think of course , how can they , even how can we for each other , this is all to indiviudal and personal ., i feel terrible today , in the pit of my deepest parts , cold ad shakey and dissassociated and just plain not here ....... alone , lost , both gone , and recovering is slow from the surgery , literally 2 days after dads funeral , its all a bit much .... and hard to explain to anyone , as its just a big mess in my mind .

write me

[momsbabygirl]

Mother's Day is next month and just by chance I'll be in my hometown to attend an event that weekend. I was hoping to just stay where I live and let the day go by, but that's not going to happen. I will be with my family that day but I'm just so afraid that it's going to make the day all that much more difficult to get through. I have a feeling that some of my family members might want to go to the cemetary that day and I know I don't want to...to me she's not there, the only thing there is her body and a headstone with her name on it. For those of you who have been through at least one Mother's Day without your mother, how did you do? Was it difficult for you? What helped you get through the day?

[asheepoo21]

april 18th if rolling around and i dont know if i can take it. it'll be 2 years and im still growing without a mother. im 16 years old, shes supposed to be here with me teaching me to grow, and to be my best friend.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

tears.

[tara12]

ANYONE THERE ?

i COULD USE SOME SUPPORT.bUT THIS IS how it is , isnt it , when its the worst , there we are alone....... yes , death makes us see this and feel this and its hard , but underneath is silence and presence i can glimpse. its hard , but its a lesson ......... and its real.