Loss of a Mother

[deewithgreeneyes]

To all my friends that I have personal e mail accounts...I am leaving for my son's, will be gone Saturday, Sunday. Cannot e mail from there but will e mail all of you upon my return. i desperately need to decompress and be with my grandboys. I really need to share some things...thanks

[tara12]

Hello I am feeling better , a bit down and sad ........ but ok and will be alright , i feel alone......

i wish someone would write and talk to me.........

I would really like it a lot ........

samia

[deewithgreeneyes]

Tara I am here. Somehow I lost e mail addresses. i put them in a file called my blue indigo friends and I can't find the file. please send me your e mail again at deeappel@cox.net. I am sorry that you are feeling down, wish I could hold you up, give you words to help your pain, but I can't. I can only tell you that i understand and with some sort of inner strength or even like me making it one hour at a time we can do it. I don't have any answers for all of us, I can only reflect on Michelle's words. Try and think about each thought she had. Michelle was a very spiritual person....almost like a woman shaman...truly she was, many people felt it, many. For me....I am empty, for her she was full, why did God not take me instead? why did I not die from my massive heart attack...why did she die instead? no answers, just grief. I was told in counseling to go with the waves, go with the flow, sister, go with the flow. Think of life as the ocean that you love...ebbs and waves, ebbs and waves, cold and beautiful, light and dark, sinister (sharks) and playful (dolphins) the ocean is like our lives...think of this...Love, Dee

[groy58]

Dee, my sister girlfriend

I am so glad that you are going to spend time with your son and grandson’s. It will be good for you all to be together right now. I think it is strange how some people chose to remember the past. (You would not believe some of the stories my brother’s can come up with about our childhood. I just have to stop and ask them sometimes, where the hell were you and who was your mother?? And let’s not even start to talk about my sorry step-father, their dad another long story for another time). Michelle’s dad is probably attempting to deal with his on misgivings of the past. You must pay close attention to the journal notes that Michelle left for us all. Not only are the beautiful and profound words of wisdom. It seems to me that she is telling us to let the past go and move on towards the future. I agree with you that she truly possessed an old wise soul. My invitation still stands if you want to talk, I’ll listen!

Connie, I have missed hearing from you. Glad to know that you, your husband and pets are all safe and you did not loose all of your precious memories. “God is so good; we just can’t tell it all”. Are you still able to stay at your home? Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

Tara12, “i have been feeling down again and tired and scared.” Well I want you to know that I read your post and pray that you will be doing better soon. You always seem so willing to give of your heart in support of others. I have still got this respiratory problem going on and had to go to the Dr. on Thursday myself had breathing treatment and got put on antibiotics, again. I think that some of the issues I am having with my immune system are in direct correlation with my grief. And then I just feel worse and just start missing my mom even more. I think you all are so strong; I still have not even started to go through my mom’s personal belongings to put them away. And on top of that I know that you have the issues with your dad. I too find myself being scared about what’s to come. Yet when I read Dee’s daughter Michelle’s words I know that we must look to our future and embrace what is to come.

Jenny, I do not know what to say as I am not a good relationship advice giver as I am single. I would however add that I have noticed that this grieving process puts a strain on relationships and I was reading somewhere that many people find themselves at the other end of this journey having changed a lot about the who, what and why of their lives after loosing a parent. I would hope that you and your partner will be able to sit and talk about things at some point so that you have closure to things no matter what the outcome. Keep us posted on your whereabouts.

Robbin, Joseph where are you? Pray all is well.

Cantbelieveit, Eulaha, Carla, I am keeping you all in my prayers also.

Hey what is the Cyber-aunt update?

To everyone that may be reading and not have the strength to post. I hope you will share with us soon.

I have missed talking with you all. Please remember me in your prayers and I send you all love.

Giselle

[groy58]

Samia, Dee

I am up if you want to vent. I'll listen. Ask Dee she and I have been down this road before.

Love you,

Giselle

[clittlelady]

JENNY:

How are You? I'm sorry that you're going through heartache with your relationship. Honestly, that's when you need their love and support more than ever...trying to survive your grief. It doesn't matter how weird or snippy you might have been, you're entitled to that. Where is it written we only have this many days to be this or that or feel this or that? I'm feeling some anger for you here, okay? Bottom line, you deserve better than that. I wish THAT for you. If you and your brother have a relationship... go be with him for a while, give yourself more time. I wish only the best for you. Good Luck and God Bless....

TARA:

I'm sending a hug and some of that healing tea you tell us about. I'm out of bubbles or I'd send those too. What's wrong? Medically? I'm worried about you. I have been so much in left field lately, I feel like my words are powerless for my friends. You're in my prayers tonight... I wish peace and healing for you Friend....

GISELLE:

Sorry you're not feeling well. Yes, we're in our home... Thank God! It could have been so much worse, so easily... We were without heat for one night, luckily it was only in the thirties and we have plenty of blankets and furkids... I wouldn't go back in my bedroom that night though. We stayed in our living room with all the pets. I couldn't close my eyes until daylight. We have a friend who does electrical work and heating and air. He got us taken care of pretty fast. I'm telling you, I have a flashlight in every room in the house now and my cell phone by my bed. Thanks for being concerned. And yes, God is so Good. I don't know what I would do without his love and care.

I've just felt kind of weird lately. Up one day. Down the next. Crying at a redlight. Singing by the time I get home. My job is realling pulling me down, working extremely long hours and under a lot of pressure with bringing work home. Trying to make a change there. I'm working on something... Praying for God's Will in it.

I'm going to cuddle up with my furkids now... My husband is working graveyard shift. Oh... Please help me pray about his job.... He works for Dow Chemical and the Union he is in are failing in negotiations on their contract. Strike and Lock Out are being discussed. It's been in the news and we're really concerned about his job... He's five years away from retirement. Dow is notorious for buying companies and busting up unions and firing long term employees.... they have a history of it.

[tara12]

Hello I am up , my email is samia1@aapt.net.au please email me ...... yes i KNOW , GO WITH THE FLOW , sometimes it is so hard though and i know you all know that , no matter what , we are human and grief is harsh at times...... i had a huge wave of grief yesterday and did dum things , like i have before . i always swear never again and then do it and this time i had done so well for some time...oh well , not too bad........

i also am unwell .... a bit fearful , cause of course now i afraid it is bad U know ..... AND FINALLY i AM SO CLOSE TO GODO THINGS the trip is so close to being real and opening up things , but i know , never to take it for grante d, or expect it , things change LIKE THAT ...... as we all know , not even the next breath is a guarantee..........

oh thinsg aometimes break my heart , my mum's story , i felt it so big today and it hurt me so much , it is so huge what happened to her , the accident ....... things happen and change us forever ....... like michelle , gone just like that , for no good reason we can see........ but we have to know its how it is meant . but doesnt make it easier at all. does it ....... feelings are feelings and i never been good at them....

my dad he is hard as well.....i feel so bad ofr him and helpless. totally........... but i will be ok . yes waves , watching the waves , trying not to be caught in them ,letting go , thats the way ......... just let go.......

thanks and talk soon I hope and hope your allok .........

[tara12]

YEAH SHARKS AND DOLPHINS AND THE EBB AND FLOW AND THEN ITS ALL OVER ........

GOT TO LOVE AND APPRECAITE EVEYTHING i KNOW AND DO AS MUCH GOOD AS i CAN...... just sometimes i think i am a bad person and have stuffed things up you know ... then i feel so sad and bad and hurt and lost and alone ....... and in many ways I am ,very alone and always have been...... the health thing right now is freaky and i live so close to not having anything , that i know a mjor thing would be really hard to deal with as i would not have the resources to treat it and be able to afford rent .... but I am getting ahead of myself ,maybe it will be ok .i hope so i really do ...pray it is , i have a lot good things waiting for me to do ..i dotn want to lose this now......... i think I am just scared ..... its ok . sorry dont meant o scare anyone ,

[clio31]

Thanks for all the words of support, I appreciate it so much. My partner came back yesterday, we had a long talk. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with as of late, but I don't do it on purpose. Sometimes it's like I have absolutely no control over what comes out of my mouth.

Anyway, we are not going to make any rash decisions. Just going to sit back and chill for a while, see where things go. Lose the relationship pressure. I know all these things are hard on my partner. My mom was SO good to her.

I just tried to make her understand, that I don't really know how to help myself right now, so how could I possibly know what to do to help her?

I think she just got overwhelmed. This is kinda silly, but our washing machine (new) basically exploded last week. Water damage EVERYWHERE. Walls, and floor damage, a huge mess. Faulty installation. It was like after that happened, it was her breaking point. The straw that broke the camels back. Lowes was so hard to deal with even though they have a 'installation guarantee'. HA!

Anyway, sometimes, we do things that we wouldn't have normally done because of the grief, I believe this is one of those things with my partner.

I just hope we can make it through, I don't want to lose this relationship of 7 year now too.

On another note, I am going to visit my brother. Probably in March. Too much to do at work to leave right now. He is coming here to visit with his kids in June to look for a place since he wants to move back here.

Dee-

Your daughters words really made me think. I am wallowing so much right now. Even though it's hard, I shouldn't. I should focus on what I have left, and cherish it...not push it away.

Thank you!

Love

Jenny

[clio31]

Connie-

So sorry to hear about your home. Hope there wasn't too much damage/loss. I will also be thinking about your husband and his job. I work for a big company in the IT industry that tends to gobble up the little guys. Months after a 'gobble' there is usually a huge lay off...the world of acquisitions! It stinks!

Too bad you are having grief with your job as well. I know how you feel on that front. There is so much pressure with my job right now. I found a flaw in the system yesterday, that actually caused a large # of W2's to be incorrect.

The fix????? I had to MANUALLY adjust the effected employee's wages. I work for an IT company for heaven's sake! I am keying wages into the system?????

Don't get me wrong, I actually love my job, it's just the little things that annoy. I am trying to work from home, the drive is getting to me (73 miles each way). It's way too much time left with nothing but my thoughts.

Anyway, I am thinking of you, hoping all will be well.

Till Later

Jenny

[eulaha]

Hello all,

I'm doing ok. This past week wasn't so bad, thank God. Just dealing with my non-committal boyfriend. One minute, he wants to be with me, and the next, he wants to join "e-Harmony.com" to find another woman. What a jerk. To be perfectly honest, I am not putting too much into this relationship, only to get hurt. I'm thinking about returning to California, to be closer to my brother, sister, the nieces/nephew. We were never close, and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've had an actual conversation with my brother (before my mom died), but since my mom died, we seem to be getting closer.

I've been wanting to purchase some red roses for my mom for Valentines day, to put on the table next to her picture, but my boyfriend thinks I'm nuts to do that. "How can you buy flowers for someone who is dead?" he asks over and over. I tell him that it's the same concept as placing flowers on a loved one's grave. She loved roses and I want to get her some. I can't believe how expensive they are getting! The lowest price I saw was $40 for a dozen! Wow!

I start going to a grief group on Monday afternoons, so that is good.

[tara12]

Thanks clittle for the healing wishes , I just need to be lighter , less intense and joyful , less worried , i guess....... things always seem so hard and dark and deep and intense to me and overhwelming .... just me .my thinking , a habot perhaphs , one that needs changing .... and yes , medically , not great , but maybe will be ok , I will find out friday , i hope it s ok and fixable , it is ok , dont worry , i will say more if i need.... but yeah it is just one more thing to deal with i dont need and i feel like so much to deal with .like all of us , stretched to the max and more ........ hard ....

at least my home isnt burnt down ..... at least i am alive , i am just being selfish .... i have loads to be grateful for....... i know ....... i do

[kjaceyma]

Eulaha, your boyfriend sounds like this guy I dated last year.. he was completely sweet and loving to me one moment, and the next he was mentioning that he would be visiting "twototango.com" to find a wife -- it was ridiculous. But it was also the first time I ever fell in love, so I didn't care that much what he said...

Thinking of you all, here in DC, visiting with my dad, aunt & uncle.. what a beautiful snowstorm! Tomorrow I go back to Boston and play in the snow up there. Was supposed to take a flight today, but it was of course cancelled...

Looking forward to going back also to this new romantic relationship that's just starting - it's exciting, and gentle, and I'm taking my time, but it's sure nice to have someone special on V-Day... last year, the week before V-Day the afore-mentioned first love of mine broke up with me. Nice.

Still having difficulty, obviously, now almost 2 months after mom died -- still painful to think of and talk about her, but I think I'm getting a little more comfortable to tell stories about her to others. That is, I'm forcing myself to talk more, which has been good - puts others at ease, lets them know I am not going to completely avoid this (incredibly painful) topic. I had an appointment with my doctor on Friday, she had done a chest x-ray because I had felt a little pain in my chest occasionally - everything's fine, thank goodness. We talked for about an hour about my grieving process, which was really good - me on the verge of tears the entire time, but that's fine.. she's a really great lady, my doctor.

Connie - very glad to hear you're safe... Jenny, Dee, Tara, EVERYONE, I hope that you can soon find some peace during this cold, bleak season (at least in the Northeast)...

Giselle - I am certainly still willing to be the wacky cyber-aunt!

[josephb]

the memorial went pretty well.i really miss my mom

[josephb]

my grandma took out a $50,000 life insurance policy on me.looks like she wants to cash in if i die

[Guest Guest]

Hey I'm new here. So..well here goes my story.

When I was four years old,mind you I am 15 now,and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Of course right away she got a mastectomy so the tumors would spread, but they did. I lived more with her than anyone else, she was the only person I ever trusted. I lived with my father like for a couple of months, and then I moved back with her and lived with her for thirteen years. Throughout the entire time I've had to seen her in agonizing pain. At first it would hurt me to death to see her this way, and then eventually after seeing her like this for so long, I got use to it. Then in the summer of 2005 I went to Colombia to visit for two months, also my merit for passing the New York State regents with a great score, and when I called her she would hise the fact that she was sick and cover it up. Finally when I came back to New York, she was even sicker than before. I had to take up home-schooling in order to help her, she couldn't get out of bed, she couldn't do anything. THen on Thanksgiving we took her to the hospital, were they treated her so awfully. I just wanted to punch every single on of those doctors, those idiots. We transfered her to another hospital where they treated her much better, but already it wasw too late, and she passed away on December 28, 2005. I never got to talk to her, while she was in the hospital I went to go see my father over the weekend, and when I came back to see how she was doing, she had a ventilator and she was on life support and falf of the time unconcious. This hurts me so much it kills me. I never got to talk to her..and she never finished telling me about her dreams for me or anything for me.

mother I love you forever and always.

Love,

Dawlash

[cantbelieveit]

Guest..... I am sorry for your loss. You are so young to have to deal with this. I know it is very difficult to loose your mom., boy I have found that out. I hope there are family/friends there to help you through this even though we must do alot of the work ourselves. Know that everyone here is supportive, feelings can change day to day even minute to minute. Take care and check in often you will be amazed at this board, we all share something and we are all going through it in the best way that we can.

I have had feelings of wanting to just see her healthy. Why did this happen keeps playing in my mind. She was to young to good....why and I know I will never know why. I picture her happy smiling face, her laugh, her humor her phone calls those I miss soooooooooo much. I try to do what I can. It is just not the same. Oh mom I wis you were here.

Septemberspain, Littlebug, Hope your doing well would love to hear from you.

EVERYONE.....I am thinking of you, trying to get to know alot of you and have been reading and feeling for all of you, it is just so hard and at the same time a blessing to have this board. I have so many thoughts going on in my head I just can't even get them all out....I guess I will check in later.

Happy Valentine's Day, I will miss the card I KNOW mom would have sent.

[groy58]

Happy Valentine's Day

To all my cyber family!!! I hope you know that you are loved today.

God Bless,

Giselle

http://www.00fun.com/waitforthedawn622.shtml

[cantbelieveit]

Hello all, Just checking in. I have been having more and more thoughts lately of my mom being ok, wishing she was here to smile and be happy. She was such a wonderful person and took great care of everyone. She is truly missed. You never know how much time you have or don't have even when someone is sick. I always thought she could/would beat it, get better and be here saying wow remember when. Just wanted to share. Thank you. Be well.

[clio31]

Cantbelieveit-

I understand. It will be 4 months tomorrow since my Mom died. It's still hard to fathom. Lately, I have been more and more missing her. Maybe the finality is finally sinking in or something. My mom took care of everyone as well. She had such a big heart. At her funeral, I didn't want to speak, but I asked her preacher to read something I wrote. Don't know why, but I want to share it...it sums up my Mom very well:

Anyone that knew our mother Sandy, knows that family was the most important thing in her world, her children, grandchildren, parents and brother.

Mom adored her children, even more her grandbabies, Tori, Caitlin and Emma.

It is sad to think they will group up without their grandmother present in their daily lives.

With our mother though, family did not start or stop with blood relatives. Every childhood and adult friend alike was welcomed with open arms into our mother's home and heart. Everyone called her "mom", not just her children.

She treated many of our friends just as she treated us. She was there to congratulate the good times, console in the bad, and to give a nudge in the right direction should someone go astray. Even if we didn't listen to her advise, she stayed true by our sides.

It is hard to put into words the feeling of admiration and respect we have the for unconditional love and repeated forgiveness our mother offered to us. Time and time again, she would lift us up, even if we let her down.

I thought we would be old and gray before we crossed the bridge of losing our mother, but here we are today...too soon.

I only hope that we can carry with us our mother's love and loyalty, not just to honor Mom's memory, but so we may fill ourselves with the huge curcle of family as she did.

Although, I know she will always remain in our hearts, not having the confort of her voice or ther touch will remain painful for years to come.

We love you Mom, and nothing will ever be the same.

Wishing you all a good day...

Jenny

[cantbelieveit]

Clio31, Thank you for sharing. I must say that touched me. I have to tell you that it was like you were talking about my mom, friends loved her, miss her and cried when they heard about mom's passing. At the wake I had to hold up some old friends that haven't really seen her for years.

Everyone commented on what a wonderful person she was, makes you happy to hear but sad that her life ended much to soon. It is scary not to have mom to go to. I miss her calls, her cooking her laughter and thougtfulness I could go on all day..........

I am so sorry for you loss and again thank you with all my heart for sharing that it was beautiful to hear. Be well and please keep posting.

Everyone out there I hope your doing well.

[groy58]

Hello everyone,

I have missed you all and have been praying that each of you have continued to cope as the days have come and gone.

Jenny, what a beautiful tribute to your mother. It amazes me how much our mothers all seemed to be woven of the same cloth (Cantbelieveit). When I wrote the reflections of my mother’s life it was centered on her love of God, family, all children and a multitude of friends. She died November 4, 2005 and sometimes I think that it hurts more today than it did then.

I have been thinking about this a lot and wonder how I coped with the death of my father, my mom’s sister of cancer, my best friend in February 2004 and then my uncle in July of that same year. Then I realized that through all of that sorrow I still had one thing to count on and that was the comfort, guidance and wisdom of my mother that only she could provide me. I know now that I am on this journey alone and must find my own path, yet I know it will continue to be based on all that she taught me.

Dee, Joseph, Robbin, Connie, Samia, Dawlash, Eulaha, Carla, Kelly, Littlebug, Swede1 and Charmsmom2 hope to hear from you soon and that all is well. I know from my own experience that sometimes even posting here is an ordeal just know that I love each of you dearly.

Will check back soon, God’s blessings to you all!

Your sister,

Giselle

[clio31]

Giselle & Cantbelieveit

I guess that is why we are all here, our mother's were cut from a different cloth than most. There must be one piece of 'perfect' from which all our mother came.

I know my mother wasn't perfect But she came as close as I can imagine. Today is 4 months since her death. A third of a year. The time has gone so quickly. As I begin to fall back into a routine of work, it is getting a little harder to deal with. My evenings and weekends are empty. I spent most every weekend with my partner and my mother. She worked nights before she got sick, so I only got to see her on the weekends. But once she got sick, I saw her EVERY SINGLE DAY. She was even staying with us the last month or so before she went for her final hospital visit.

I don't really know what to do with my time now. I don't want to smother my grandfather...but maybe he likes my frequent calls and weekly visits. I went over there yesterday, and we talked, looked at pictures, and he showed me a stone he got for grandma that said 'If love could have saved you, you never would have died'. He wants, somehow to mount this on her grave. I was suprised to see that, as he does not come off as the sentimental type. We both cried together, and he said how my cousin Kim (only other grandaughter) has had intentions of coming to visit, but hasn't made it yet. Not since Christmas. I just think that is sad. I know she has her own life and all, but my grandparents raised her from the time she was about 10. She was hell on wheels and her dad just COULDN'T controll her.

Just hard to tell what kind of situation she would be in today if it weren't for grandma and granddad.

Anyway, no plans today. Trying to find the best time to plant a lilac bush, my mom's favorite. Tried last year, but it died. I have to have on in the yard this year.

Have a good day all.

[josephb]

hope everyone is doing ok

[josephb]

you know i really feel like i have no reason to live.i have thought about different ways of dealing with all of this like heavy drinking when i am of age and a few other things.

[clittlelady]

Hello to Everyone. Hope everyone is okay today. I haven't been here for a while. Missed you guys. Feel like I've kind of lost touch. I know everyone here has good days and bad. I've just been working extremely long hours and having some bad days emotionally as well. March 8th will be a year since may last and favorite Aunt died. My uncle has been gone just four days before my Mother and she's been gone now almost six months. Spring is just around the Corner and that was always my Mom and mine, our favorite time of the year. She was a wonderful gardener and passed that passion on to me. I've already begun to think about my projects and everytime I do, I miss her. My husband gave me a dozen white roses with pink tips for Valentines Day. Mother could always take those flowers and root them. These are beautiful and I knew if she were here, she could tell me exactly what to do.

I know that the sad days still come, but they don't last as long as they had been.

I hope that for everyone, with all your trials and everyday stuff that life throws at you, I hope you're getting through, coming out and on top and not giving in to the pressures while we're down and trying to get through the grief, in it's different stages that we all face.

I look around and see the world is still turning, people are still going on with every day mundane chores, as well as laughing and living. Some days, it's hard, but that's the Journey isn't it? We just know a little bit more about how precious it is, than some who are aimlessly meandering around out there.

JOSEPH,

I wish I could say more to encourage you. It seems you are planning

your self destruction and do not see your self worth. You are basing your life and future on the loss of your Mother, which you had no control of. You DO have control over Your decisions regarding self destructing. So many people are fighting to hang on to life and struggling every day to do so and yet you are contemplating the opposite. WHY do you feel you have no reason? I know your Mother is gone and there are other circumstances that are disturbing in your life right now, but is there something else? I don't mean to be coming down hard on you, but I just see your youth and people do succeed against all odds, against what other people think about them. It sounds like you are planning to invite more pain into your life. I will tell you what I've told my son in the past... You can be your own best friend or sadly, you can be your own worst enemy. Nobody sets limitations and boundaries for your life, but you. I hope that through your grief for your Mother, you will find a new strength and purpose for yourself and not give into the dark side of this grief. It will consume you, IF YOU LET IT.

Wish only the best for you and wish for you to find peace with your inner man. You're in my thoughts and prayers..

Connie

[clio31]

Connie

Maybe you can give me some gardening tips. I planted a large # of flowers, ground cover, and bushes last year. Everything died except for a few iris bulbs that popped up and my 25 cent pack of morning glories!

My mom wasn't a gardener, and I guess she passed that on to me

I tried a lilac bush last year, that never sprouted a twig. I have read they are fairly hardy and will grow just about anywhere. Lilacs were my Mom's favorite, so I am going to try it again this year.

If there is anything you can tell me that works wonders for you, I would appreciate it.

Have a good day

Jenny

[clittlelady]

Hi Jenny:

Hummmm... Lilac bush. Mom had one. If you still have the same twig and think it is dead, break it down from the top, just a little, to see if there is any green in the middle. Continue to break it down, until you find life. If there is none when you reach the bottom, odds are, it's gone. But... You can cut it down to the bottom, pot it in some rich potting soil and with enough babying, if there is any life, it will shoot out within 30 to 60 days of spring temps and proper watering. If not... Start over with a new bush and plant it in a bed where the soil is rich... depending on where you live, water just enough for it to have a good taste every two days, unless you live where it is really hot and humid, then every evening, a little drink. Within a couple of months, you should see some proud growth. If leaves start to change colors as brown tips or yellow tips, meaning too much water. As long as leaves are bendable and kind of pop back when you fold them over, you're doing great. A lilac bush usually takes a while for it's roots to take hold, but when it does, it's on... you've succeed. Just always insulate for winter time with pine straw or heavy mulch. My Mother had one in her yard that my brother who died 24 years ago gave her. She moved it all the way to Louisiana from Colorado. It remained stunted for years and started shooting up and growing about the time Mother's health began to fail. I really wanted that bush. I helped her nurse it so tenderly. But my wonderful brother whom at I'm at odds with, who has her home and would even help her when she needed it, he has the privilege of watching that bush grow. He doesn't have a clue how we struggled to get it to survive.

I'm a killer of indoor plants, first case, hard core felon, but outdoors, that's my passion. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Hope all is well you my friend, in all aspects of your life.

God Bless...

Connie

[eulaha]

josephb,

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like dying pretty much every day. My life feels useless. I have to FORCE myself to get up in the mornings, to go through the motions of the day. It's hard.

Are there any bereavement support groups in your area? I recently joined one, and already, it's helping me a great deal. My email address is: Eulaha@aol.com

If you email me and let me know where you live, I'd be glad to do some research and give you a list of bereavement groups in your area. Or if you'd just like to chat...

That goes for everyone here. Please email me if you'd like.

[josephb]

you know i have a lot of things that are bothering the way it all ended.one of the nights my grandma and i stayed with my mom at hospice a live bruce springteen show came on pbs and my mom got all excited and happy and since it was around 10pm my grandma turned it off because she wanted to sleep and that has really been pissing me off.another thing is on my moms birthday we only stayed with her for 2 hours because my mom threw water on me and my grandma got mad at her for acting like that and made me leave but considering the circumstance she should have understood it was the terminal aggiatation my mom went into a coma 2 days later and then died a few days later. my grandma told me that she had control of what she was doing but i do not think so my mom was not acting like her normal self it is really pissing me off how cold hearted my grandma is

[littlebug]

Hello Everyone. I haven't posted in a while, I've been so exhausted. I'm into my 9th week now and the baby seems fine. Thank God. I've been fighting depression from the loss of mom. I miss her terribly. I was emptying some boxes over the weekend, where I just moved, and I ran across a card that mom had given me for Valentine's Day years ago. (I don't remember her ever giving me anything for Valentine's Day) Anyway, she had written that no matter what ever happens that her and Dad would always love me. When I saw that I felt a bit at peace and like she was still aware of what is going on here. It was amazing. I miss her so much!!!!

I hope everyone is doing OK. My prayers and thoughts are with you guys. To all the new members of our family here, I'm glad you found this site. This is a place that has helped a lot of people and we will all be here for you.

Peace & Love,

Littlebug

[deewithgreeneyes]

I am here everyone reading your posts. Please give me time, I am not ignoring anyone of my sister's I have found here. I am just at a loss for words at a constant basis. I want to write but I feel as though I am whining and bringing people down. I want to be support to all of you and I find I cannot even hold myself up for more than an hour at a time. I had an appointment with a psychiatrist and he was appalled they had put me in the psych unit. He asked me how I held my sanity together being in one when I was not crazy. I don't know how, all I can tell you is it was a living nightmare as well I felt as though I was in One flew over the cuckoo's nest. I am packing things as I need to move. House is being redone and I have to leave with my animals as they show it. Have another problem to work out now. Don't know where I am going to go for a few months. Doctor put me on disability, can't concentrate, lost 14 pounds and am having chest pains on a daily basis. Wish you all knew how much I contemplate taking the next nitrogylcerin tablet when they come. Love you guys, Dee

[cantbelieveit]

Dee, I am so sorry for all that you have been and are still going through, please never think of it as whining you are sharing with your family we want to hear from you. What you feel is what you feel you never have to explain it or feel bad about it. Please take care.

Clio31, Groy thank you for your words, we do all have a lot in common and it is just such a wonderful place to support eachother, I find it easier to write and respond to you all more than I can on a daily basis in the "real world". It feels like time passes for everyone and you are just catching up on time and your true feelings. I want to see my mom I want to call her I feel a chunk of my heart has been cut out, it will never be the same without mom and I know she wants me to be nothing but happy and healthy and I try so hard. I really do.

Littlebug, Good to hear from you, take care of yourself and that little baby. Do what you can and give yourself what you need. Please keep us posted and take care. WE all want you to be well.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hello all my friends, it's me. Wanted to share with you all the words I found in my daughters journal. The following was written by Michelle after the death of her first child Sierra...

Do not persue the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. The past no longer is. The future is yet to come. Looking deeply at life as it is, in the very here and now, the practioner dwells in stability and freedom. We must be diligent today. Tomorrow is to late. Death comes unexpectedly. How can we bargain with it? The sage calls a person who knows how to deal in mindfullness night and day one who knows the better way to live alone.

Do not rely on individuals, rely on the teachings. Do not rely on words rely on the meaning. Do not rely on the adapted meaning rely on the ultimate meaning. Do not rely on intellectual knowledge, rely on wisdom.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Joseph...I have been reading some of the posts and I myself at this time can't respond to all of them as I would like but it is very disturbing to me that you are on the road to self destruction. I may be wrong but I feel there is much more going on in your life to make you feel this way other than your mom's death. Perhaps a feeling of abandonment? think about it would you. Connie is right. There are so many people YOUR AGE fighting for their lives and would give anything to be in your shoes grief and all. They ARE looking at death right square in the face. My daughter did not want to die, she would give anything I am sure to be grieving for her grandmother now...than being dead and not being with her child. Think about that one and be glad your are alive, living, and have the choice to choose life. Should you not at your young age you are cheating and shortchanging yourself. Maybe that is what you want to do I have no idea. Mothers die before their children. During this entire time you have been posting have you made an attempt to reach out and help someone? I haven't seen it. Walk your path son with courage and dignity. Get out of the Me,me,me and into....what can I do to encourage someone else.* Think about this. Dee

[littlebug]

Deewithgreeneyes,

My heart really goes out to you. I am sorry for everything you've gone through in the last few years. Please don't ever think you are whining. This site is for expressing yourself and we are here to help you and eachother. From the posts I've read, I think you are an amazing person. Every since I read what happend to your daughter you have truly been in my thoughts and prayers. Just wanted to let you know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers. We are all here for you any time you want to vent your feelings. Everytime you do that I believe it helps you a little more. Take care of YOU.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Thank you for your response littlebug, I hopethat your journey is getting easier for you. I am glad everythingisgoing well with you, into your 9th week is a good thing. Play soothing music for your baby in the womb. I know how hard it is to be taking care of yourself physically and mourning at the same time. I have been told that crying won't hurt us physically...keeping it in will. I was also told to look at grief like a giant crevice. Your peer down into it for a few minutes..then walk away. I have started counseling, as of yet it hasn't helped but I won't give up on it. I hate the mornings when I wake up and realize they both are gone. I hate to get up really. I don't work (again) as they put me on disability again. My heart wasnot to great when I was in the hospital, physically I am sucking right now. Not scared though if I die I will be with Michelle and out of this pain. I got my mom's things packed up into boxes and now I am going through my daughters. Sounds crazy but I am wearingher clothes. Her and I were the same size and I find comfort weraing them. I am putting all of her journals etc. in asafedeposit box at the bank so they don't get lost. My mom sent Valentine's cards too for everyone in the family. So did Michelle. This Valentines day was pretty rough, the first for both of them. I really don't know if I will make it (sincerely) I have family members that are wondering it too and saying they have lost their cousin (me). Maybe they have, I do know I lost half my heart and soul the day Michelle died.

[littlebug]

deewithgreeneyes,

I know what you mean about the mornings. When you first wake up you feel ok, then your remember they aren't here anymore. I know I wanted to just stay in the bed all the time. But I realised that my mom and dad wouldn't want me to be that way. They'd want me to get up and get on with my life. And I believe that is what Michelle and your mother would want for you. What you said about wearing her clothes really hit home with me. When I lost dad I wore his pajamas or his coat. And now I am wearing my mom's clothes, until I grow out of them to. lol. It does give you some comfort. You almost feel like they are giving you a big hug. I believe they are still with us. We just can't see them. On my tough days I ask my self, what would they say if they saw me this way? It would make them sad to. I know how hard it is to lose a mother. I couldn't imagine a child. But I know you have a strenght in you that will help you through this. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you do. You take care of your self and if you ever need to talk I will be here for you, as will everyone else here.

[tara12]

Hello , everyone , been away again to where my dad lives ... I went to give some speeches and talks and meet with people in govt , to do with indigenous issues ,to try make some sense for them; help us ect/// hard ot explain , but yeah it was scarey for me and I did it and the reASON WAS CAUSE I LET GO , TRUSTED AND SPOKE FORM MY HEART ... so that was good for me . and hope for them. maybe a little bit...

was gonna see my dad , but he decided he had other plans , weird huh , come all that way ,. but he just is old and in his routine that cant be changed , its ok ... im sort of ok about it right now , he has been so hard to help , and noone can , none fo the agncies , no one, so I have decided i hqave to give up and let him be his way , do how he wants , be in denial if he needs , whatever and jusat let him know I love him , thats all my job is really ..........

joesph , try it ... let go a bit , and realise that everyone suffers and instead of focusing on YOUR SUFFERING ,t hink how maybe this is suffering others face as well ... and maybe try find love there to send to them as they hurt like u do /. this works . and will change your pain.; you are NOT ALONE.

DEE , DEE , DEE, PLEASE WRITE TO ME.......... i miss u . need u . and wanna be there for u ......... please write ok . to my email........ ok......

I am somtimes also not so good , when tired and have been ill myself with a parasite in my gut and some cysts on my ovaries and too much work and so forth ...... but I am here and I am walking the path and you are too and when I come to USA , u better be there , alive OK ......... U AND ME GONNA GO OUT AND WE GONNE SPEND TIME .U HEAR ME....... OK.

WRITE SOON

[cantbelieveit]

Hello everyone........I am here reading and thinking, thinking and reading. I have been picturing mom more and more and healthy looking. I still feel like this has to be a bad dream, when is she coming back where did she really go??

I cannot look at pictures of her and it makes me feel bad, I am moving so my own memories are surfacing and my family home is also being sold at this time and I went by a few days ago and boy is it strange, she is not there, she is not smiling, cooking or doing something. It just feels so empty and strange, yet I feel a bit numb in a way I know that when it is sold emotions are going to be high. That was my safety net, my childhood my adulthood, holidays, etc...Life goes on I know but this should not have happened, I know many of you feel this way that is why I know posting here is understood. Thank you all for listening....be well you are all in my prayers. I thank God for this family!!

[angelwings56]

Dear Cantbekieveit,

I know what you are feeling. We are in the prossess of selling our family home too. It's so hard to see people come through and talk about how they are going to change things. Things that my parents loved to much. The beautiful garden where my mom loved to sit after my dad died. And the tree my dad planted. I wish that we could keep the house but that is not possible. I go there to help my sister and I spend a lot of time crying. I look around and want to take some of the wall paper or tile. It's so hard. I'm glad to have this family too.

[suelowe]

This coming March will be the second anniversary of my mother's death. To know that her eyes were shut when i saw her when she died makes me wonder what she thought. Could she still sense me? i could have held her hand, stroked her forehead. But i didn't. instead i kissed both her cheeks and nose. i gave her hugs when she was alive but this one was different. it was the type of hug you would give to a friend to say thanks for help with chores. at one point i thought she was alive again, i saw her breathing and i was going to shout and yell with joy. But she didn't breathe at all. i was sat on the chair without any feeling whatsoever. I was numb. physically and emotionally.

i went about 'finding' her, to speak to her so i visited the nursing home where she used to live. There she was, right in front of me. my heart had never felt so full and warm. for once in my life i was able to put aside the pain of loss i felt and dived into happy memories.

i speak to my mum about my life through her photo and my mind.

i'm now preparing myself for the second anniversary.

sue

[cantbelieveit]

Anglewings56, Thank you. I know that alot of us feel the same and go through similar situations that is what I love about this board, that bond that we all share.

I am just checking in, feeling run down, to much to do to many places to be, so I took tonight off to just be! I need a break. I am in overdrive, I want to get back to reading to just sort of drift off to another place once in a while. Any readers out there I would love your input.

Take care my family.

[blue202]

This board has been very quiet lately.

Where is everyone? How is everyone coping or surviving?

I am worried as we all seem to be so far away....

I have been struggling with everything. I am so not motivated. I am pushing hard against the depression that's trying to find its way back inside my head -but I refuse to allow it access.

It will be 2 months on March 4th since having watched my mum die from cancer.

It feels like I am just waiting for her to return home.

My head knows she is gone, but my heart cant accept it.

I have had horrible family members come and lob on me - and they have caused undue stress that I really dont need right now, but they arent the type of people that will leave easily - I dont want them here - but I cant get on the wrong side of them (my partners family) - white trash to put it very plainly.

I feel victimised in my own home. I have been that worried that I havent even had time to think about my beautiful mum - other than the fact she would be distraught at what these people are doing to me.

Where is my time to grieve? Where is my time to be alone?

Where is my time to be with my boys? Where is my time to spend with my dad?

God help me send these people out of my life and off into the universe!!!!

DEE - I pray for you, and think of you always, I hope your dark cloud may be starting to lift even if just a little - your grief is so deep. My heart goes out to you in your time of need. Cast your burdens out into the universe, and let God or your friends here help carry some of it or all of it for you....

Giselle, Connie, Robbin, Tara, Joseph, Clittlelady, Littlebug, cantbelieveit, suelowe, and angelwings56

(hope I havent forgotten anyone again this time! I dont mean to !)

My thoughts are also with all you guys too - I hope that you all have loved ones to care and support you all and help hold u all up when you feel you cant take it anymore... I feel that way constantly...

I had my birthday back on Feb 20 - my mum used to make such a big deal about it, I was the first to have one without her - my defacto didnt even get me a card or anything, he never has done, but I just expected that he would make an effort seeing as I was without my mum this year... It really hurt.

No one will ever love you like your mother did... I know that I cherish my two boys now more than ever..

Life is a gift from God.

Dont take it for granted.

Dont abuse it either...

Keep strong xxxxxx Ranae xxxx

[deewithgreeneyes]

Blue202 I am still here. Yes, the board has been very quiet lately. I think maybe we are all going through a slump...tired, fatigued, worn out, maybe just not UP right now. I know how it is to struggle with just about everything and no motivation. I can't seem to get anything done. I don't know if it is so good for you to fight against your feelings. Remember the depression you have is a situational depression (not chronic) and it will return like the grim reaper time and time again. Please, try and let yourself feel the pain, go through the pain and hopefully healing will begin for you. I feel like I am waiting for both my mom and daughter to return from a trip together, but know one is coming back. Coping and surviving? for myself I am just breathing in and out. I am not coping at all, can't seem to cope with even the smallest things. Everyday it is a battle for me to stick around.

[tara12]

DEE and EVERYONE ,

hello ,

YES , TIRED AND FATIGUED , me too ...... SO MUCH ON AND no time and health not good ,e ct.......... but like DEE SAYS , just breath in and out , thats all we can do , and sink inot that moment , the more we can do that , then the less we are thinking and trying.......... let go , dont try .... yeah, let it be;/ all of it /;

now that sounds o simple , but we all know is hard .. cause when we are hurting a nd suffering all things are hard ....... so rest , if u can , rest and allow.......... I odnt know what else to say . just sending you love.

[Guest Guest]

Hi,

Im new here and I loss my mother Feb 3rd 2006....Does the pain ever go away? Do you ever fill better again...I have headace all the time tired there are days when I don't think that Im going to make it thru the day...Im married 6/w kids..I fill like Im not thinking about them or that Im thinking about my mother to much...I fill so depressed there are some good days but more bad days then there are good...I don't want to hurt anymore I want this pain to go away...My heart aches so much for her to come back....This friday will be a month that she has passed away...It's not the same with out her here...

Lisa

[deewithgreeneyes]

{tara]...yes, tired...I know you are, I know you are. Just tired and not feeling good? I know the feeling. On St. Patricks day they are putting on a film for Michelle "Girls That Rip" sufing film, Michelle will be in it.

[guest]...wish I could say that the pain goes away...I think we learn to live with it somehow. When death strikes like this I don't think things will ever be the same, how can it, death changes your life. It has mine.

[cantbelieveit]

Hi Everyone, I am struggling with my feelings lately.

Blue202 I feel your pain, I have a birthday coming up this weekend. Mom always made a big deal, sent a card, got whatever cake I wanted and made me dinner and mind you I am 38 so it's not like a tradition that faded over time. I feel her loss I think alot more lately because to not have her here on special occassions makes it so hard. It will never be the same. I go in and out of feelings, I want to be able to connect with her somehow. I am at a loss for words at times and life just keeps going on and on nothing stands still it's like sometimes I feel like an on looker. I don't know if it makes sense, I am so tried and fighting a cold right now.

Guest.... I am so sorry for your loss, don't put to much pressure on yourself. It is still so new for you. Feel what you feel and you owe no one any apologies. Take care of yourself. I am no expert and new to this although it will be 5 months on Monday, sometimes it feels like yesterday. I am sure we are all due to go through this and many more emotions. Just know we all feel these feelings come here anytime you need to. This board has been wonderful.

Dee...I hope you feel better, I feel like my mom is also away on a trip. I have never gone more than a week without seeing her and that was due to one of us being on vacation. It is so hard. I wish peace for you. I certainly have been in a slump, winter has always been a bit of a battle but with mom passing life has seemed so gray.

[septemberspain]

Hi Everyone!

I'm here as well. I don't know it is sooo difficult to express what I've been trying to manage over the last few weeks. I went back to my "old home" to get all my personal belongings furniture etc., and while I was there I kept trying to move forward but it was extremely hard and I swear this life that now belongs to me is so unfamiliar. I know I'm grieving but at the same time I'm angry I have so little patience with anyone and I feel like I really don't have the energy to stand on this shaking ground. I find so many days that I've accomplished NOTHING and Monday will mark 6 long hard months that my mom has been gone and I feel that in these past six months that life is certainly not to be taken for granted and I know I'm pushing people away and my family is driving me crazy and I can't pick up the freaking phone and call my mom and tell her about it boy what I would give just to hear her say "I know good and well you are not about to let this stuff bother you!" hmmm just the bittersweet thought.

I read this book about a week ago titled 90 minutes in heaven quick summary a man on his way home after a Biblical conference is involved in a horrible traffic accident. He was pronunced dead at the scene and he describes what heaven looked like to him. Then he takes you through his recovery and all the emotions that he experienced. I found his story to really encourage me and it answered or eased some of the thoughts I was having about my mom.

I'm a reader I read constantly and I have this weird habit that I picked up from an aunt of mine that when I was a small child she would read the paper to me (nope didn't understand or care about new issues at 10 yrs old) But she would get my attention and read the obituary page to me and she would say after each one "God rest their soul" and to this very day I read that page and still say "God rest their soul".

So how is everyone coping with this new life we are living???? I am also with Dee and Tara Breathing in and out that's about all I can handle right now. It's sad I haven't even thought about returning to work. I am so confused I don't even know if I want to return to my job field (Resturant Management) I have 20+ yrs with it I even love what I do but ever since my mother died my life has changed course I don't even know if I still have that passion or drive anymore.

I'm asking for some prayers right now. When I returned home yesterday I had to take my cousin who lives with me to the Hospital. He was having mini heart attacks and after some testing some blockage was found so he has to have a proceedure done in the morning. Please keep him in your prayers. I have been running around like a headless chicken (unpacking a u-haul, notifying his family and he's my mom's nephew so I'm really having flashbacks from talking to all her family and them living in another state making arrangements for family coming here to check on him) This is another miss-you-mom moment she handled all that stuff.

So can I hear some good news now..... how is the pregnancies going? (I'm grasping for some positivity right now)

Well I'm off to unpack some more boxes will talk to you later

Robbin