Loss of a Mother

[deewithgreeneyes]

Robbin, my prayers are with you, I will pray all day for you and your cousin. He will be alright I promise. Good news...well, I went to visit my friend who has a horse ranch about 1 hour from here. I have known them since 1973. They gave me a 3 year old sorrel filly named Impulsive Grace (quarter horse). They thought it would help me get out of this tunnel. She is beautiful, sweet and kind, not broke all the way so I have work to put into her. I will re-name her "Spirit' for Michelle. That is all the news I have. Please take care of yourself. Take a deep breath...AND DON"T MOVE WHILE THE GROUND IS STILL SHAKING. Love, Dee

[littlebug]

Septemberspain,

I hope you get to feeling better soon. I can relate with you so well. I always catch myself picking up the phone to tell my mom something. I will keep you and your cousin in my prayers.

On a positive side. I got to hear the baby's heart beat for the first time on Wednesday. That was so exciting. A little bit of reality has finally hit me. It is so amazing how something so tiny can have such a fast heart beat. Wow! I should get to find out if it's a boy or a girl in 4 more weeks. I can't wait!!! I have been craving lemons a lot. The other day I had lemons and chocolate milk. Oooh! How strange is that?!? And I haven't had a full night of sleep since the first of December. It will all be worth it in the end. Anyway, I hope I have brought a smile to your face, if only just for a few minutes.

Try and have a good weekend and take care of yourself.

Littlebug

[tara12]

AH ACCIDETNLY clicked a button and deleted my message , oh well.........

so rather than write it all again , just will saY, HELLO TO EVERYONE AND MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU ALLLLLLLLL.

4 MTHS NOW since mum died ........ life IS defitnely different , and never will be the same , but that is ok , that is the nature of life , is it not ...... things always change and it is to be expected i think..... the trick is to notice what we have now , notice the moment , eternal....... face our fears , the loss ect. is just what we will face again and again till its our turn to go.... then we have to let go of everything......... so now they are gone ....... what can we do ? we can not bring them back. they have gone moved on . but we can live our life.. yeah as best we can ........

i AM UNWELL MYSELF ...... BUT ITS OK....... whatever happens , in the end , its ok , cause in the end we die anyway ? u know >>>> we know this .... so LOVE WELL , LIVE WELL , AND NOTICE THE BEAUTY AROUND YOU RGHT NOW........ IF U CAN , THIS CAN HELP OPEN UP THE HEART AGAIN it has for me..... it isnt easy , i still fear and hurt and so on , but the more i look around and notice what is here right now , the more , it helps heal that pain;.... i really really feel for you all and myself , for all people who have lost a loved one , and are today , facing this , it is the hardest thing in the world , but we can get through this and be deeper , more open hearted and compassionate to oursleves and others as a result .... really........... i belioev this.. and wish it for all of us.

breath in , breath out ...xxxx

[septemberspain]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for keeping my family in your prayers. My cousin had his proceedure done this afternoon all is alright I think, I'm on my way to the hospital to check on him.

Dee, I'm happy for your "Spirit" I've always promised my daughter a horse when she was younger (never could fulfill that promise we were a military family so we could never get her one because we moved alot) I use to take her horse back riding when we lived in Jersey. But I could never get her one.

Littlebug - thanks for the update, your cravings are starting to kick in haha I know I promised a while ago to help you eat those crazy cravings so I think I'll just take the chocolate milk and you can have the rest smile. I've always been so excited by the announcement of a baby being born, when one of my employees would tell me that she was expecting you would have thought I was hearing about winning the lotto or something. I always look at births as a special blessing and a gift from God.

Tara - I'm with you BREATH IN BREATH OUT and hopefully it will became alot easier without putting forth so much effort.

Anyway, I'm off to go to the hospital I'M REALLY DREADING GOING TO THE HOSPITAL!!!! Too many unpleasant memories but he WAS here for my mom so I've gotta be there for him!

Love all of you,

Robbin

[tara12]

SEPTEMEBER ,

Hoping it is all going easier , and that the visit was ok and not too hard emmotionally , reminding you if your mum........ thats tough ...

WE HAVE BEEN flooding here for days and so its time inside and satying safe and the power was out for all day , but on now ..... loads black outs , loads flooding everywhere , its wild ... so everyone staying home.......

so here , and its power back , so making use of it whilst it is back.....will go watch a movie and try get it back to t he videao shop and hope I can get through ... if not will cop late fees , but better than being washed away ... this is our 3rd flood this year .... oh well........

its ok , as long as safe .and so far it is ok , but they predict worse coming , cyclone due tonight .... hope we do ok.......

be well and talk sometimes after all this ,

take care everyone......... expect the unexpected.

[momsbabygirl]

My husband and I are planning a trip to Europe this year. It's a trip I've always dreamed of and was not ready to take until this year. We are looking at going in either May or late June. May would be before the 1st anniversary of my mother's death and late June would be after. If we choose late June, we would leave the day I got the call that she had died during the night...it's also the day after her birthday and we think that she died on her birthday, before Midnight. Being the first anniversary, I'm not sure how I'm going to feel leading up to and following that day, so I'm not sure which timeframe we should choose. I obviously want to enjoy myself and the time with my husband, but I just don't know how I'm going to feel. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I was a wreck. My husband could not even look at me without me being angry at him. We barely spoke for an entire month. Once Christmas came and went, I was fine. I know it had to do with my mother's death and I just don't want that to happen with this once in a lifetime trip. Then again, I'm looking at this as a liberation type of thing. She knew I always wanted to go to Europe and always encouraged me to go. I think that going in June and leaving on that date would be good for me, but I'm not sure how my family will see it. Will they think that I'm horrible for not staying in the country and being there for my father? I know it's going to be a tough day for him as he was the one who found her that morning. They were together for 48 years. She died 3 days after their anniversary...that entire week is going to be so hard for him.

With this being the first year since her death, everything is so new and I'm not sure how I'm going to react to anything. Can anyone here give suggestions? What would you do? Our dates aren't flexible beyond June....thanks!

[deewithgreeneyes]

I can only share what I have been taught in my belief....but remember this is only what I think I would do for my mom. A mourning period of 1 year takes place, no parties, no fun things...1 year. After that 1 year the handkerchief the shaman gives to you for the year is then burned and a celebration of the loved one's life starts to take place. Certainly sad times will always be around the corner but at some time the grief needs to be worked on. Now, I don't know if I will ever be that way with my daughter as losing a daughter and mom are very different. Like you, when mom died (will be 1 year on June 30th) I was mad at the world. Then when my 27 year old daughter was killed 6 weeks ago in a tragic accident I realized how blessed I was to have my mother for many years, that she lived a long and good life, that she saw her children grow and grandhildren born. Our mom's passed the way the cycle of life should be....parents pass then children, not the opposite. At her 1 year date celebrate her life and be thankful she had a long life (I mean this solemly and gently). I learned a huge lesson when my daughter died. I am now thankful that my mom had her time on earth to share so many things withher family. My 2 year old grandaughter will never know her mom...please have a beautiful time with your husband and remember this story...Love, Dee

[cantbelieveit]

Hi everyone, Made it through the weekend and survived my first birthday without my mom. I am very depressed today and feeling quite ill. I just never imagined this and it feels harder lately then ever. I wish she was here. I am in the process of moving and alot is going on. I feel like I never got a break never had down time so to speak, life just whizzes by and you find yourself months later just thinking it happened yesterday.

I am tired and feel I just need to be, but again life goes on and doesn't take a holiday for our grief or pain. We just do the best we can and that is what I am trying to do.

Thank you all. I am so tired I will check back in later.

Septemberspain, I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers I hope your cousin is healing and in good spirits.

[deewithgreeneyes]

My prayers are with you Septemberspain and hope all is well with you and your family member. I am glad they found the problem before the Big One hit.

Cantbelieveit..rest my friend, rest......

[cantbelieveit]

Dee thank you my friend thank you. You take care of yourself also.

I hit a wall, I am feeling ill and exhausted so I am taking some time for me, feels different, but I NEED it, I have a wonderful employer THANK YOU GOD! and she is just so understanding she sees when I am not myself and offers great support and good advice. I feel blessed I know how hard it is to be somewhere and feel you have to stifle your self and your feelings....it makes grief, illness just everything that much harder. I need to foucus having a birhtday and not having mom was a hard thing it hit at the end of the weekend, and was like someone struck me from behind with a blunt object....ok that was quite a visual ha.....

I thank all of you for your friendship and support I wish we didn;t have to be here but since we do I am glad to share with the likes of you all. Be well my family I am here to help support you all as you have done for me.

Peace.

[septemberspain]

Good Morning Family,

Another day has started, I know I have not been posting but I've been reading and thinking lol. I've been trying to recapture bits and pieces of my "old" self and it's still not working. It has been 6 months and my life is still spinning. It seems that I just seem to be barely hanging on. In the last 9 months I have been trying to adjust to this life and I'm usually a trouble shooter figuring out what is wrong and correcting it but it looks like my list just keeps growing and growing and sooner or later it's going to crack. I have faith in God and I believe in Him and I know He is carrying me thru this. I just want my strength back to carry on for myself.

My cousin is home but he has to return to have some blockage fixed. They have him off from work until he's cleared. I honestly don't have the slightest clue as to why they didn't repair everything when he was there but the good thing is it woke him up to taking better care of hisself.

Can'tbelieveit: My heart goes out to you. When my mom died my birthday was 17 days away. I would be the first to experience my 1st birthday without her. I guess being the oldest makes you 1st in line for everything. My sibling's birthdays fall right behind one another so I had already gone thru mine so I could help them with theirs. It's HARD there were too many 1st things happening at one time. I never gave much thought to ever being without my mom well maybe as a child when she would punish me and I would have those I hate mom moments LOL but I never remembered those feelings once I got my way again. It's just so crazy I always had those dreams where my dad died and I would wake up crying but those dreams and what I'm experiencing is a whole completely different ball game.

Dee: Thanks for making room for me in your thoughts. Even with everything that you have going on YOU are still here for me! I know that if I had to do this alone without any help or if I never found this board I would not know there are caring people that still exist in this world. I can only imagine if my world is spinning yours must be off the richter scale, but yet you are still caring about other people and what is happening with them. A bit ironic but I feel more strongly than ever that our Mothers are still pitching in to make sure their babies are alright.

Tara: How are you? I know you mentioned storms were coming and flooding did you make out ok?

Ok now I'mma ask where everyone is????

Connie??????? I'm trusting all is ok with you.

Josephb????? Where are you

Giselle?????? Don't make me come to your house LOL!!!! Girl I know you're reading this! Log on and say hello

Renae, Jenny, everything ok??

Swede1 waving at you!

Well hopefully everyone is doing ok, I know from personal experience writing anything is the last thing I want to do, but we all here have made an impression on each other and I honestly hope this new found family will continue to support each other.

Talk to you later,

Robbin

[deewithgreeneyes]

Cantbelieveit...I am glad you have a boss that is compassionate to your needs and feelings. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must be to go to work and have to "fake it" everyday or lose your job. It terrifies me to go back to work. My personality is one that takes the opinion of "I was looking for work when I found this job" in other words if a job get's in the way of my belief system (lack of compassion...robot stuff) like the song i will say "Take this job and shove it, I ain't working here no more",

When mom first got sick my boss (a veterinarian) who used to rave about how much he loved his mom...(found out he was a hypocrite) told me I was missing to much work taking my mom in for tests. (3 times in 2 weeks). He then gently suggested she take a taxi to her apoointments. (I am an only child). I turned around and told him when he puts his mother in a taxi and sends her to the hospital will be the day I do...walked out the door and quit on the spot. I believe in Karma...it will catch up with him one day.

He then sent me a bill for lab tests done on my dog. I had been waiting for 6 months probation period for my medical benefits. In the meantime, 2 days after mom was diagnosed I had a massive heart attack with no insurance. He kept sending me bills, so one day I just went down and copied all the bills for my heart attack and surgery....sent his bill with it and told him to stick it where the sun don't shine. Obviously I can't use him as a reference but I have the other vet's there that are backing me and I can use them as a reference..

[septemberspain]

Dee aahhh we share the same belief, I am a person that will quit a job quicker than a fly can land on crap!!!!! When I first told my job that my mom needed me with her because she had somethings happening with her that she needed my support and I would be out for a week they had the nerve to debate with me that I was a manager who had an obligation of operating a business I told them as nicely as possible that I would not be there and they needed to find coverage. Then when I called them after my mom was admitted into the hospital they asked me "how long did I think it was going to take" I LOST IT!!!! I told them the last time I checked I didn't have any intials after my name and to my knowledge Jesus hadn't returned to earth so I couldn't call him to check for an answer I can laugh about it now but then...........If I could have reached through the phone and smacked them I'd still be in jail this morning LOL! So need I say I think I got fired back in June but because of legal technicalities they placed me on FMLA then the night my mom died I called them and resigned because I had to be here states away. I don't know I can't do a job where people are uncaring and I have to fake it. If that ever becomes the case once I do return to work I'll be unemployed AGAIN!!!!

[cantbelieveit]

Dee and Septemberspain, Thank you for your words and support. Dee I am sorry you had that experience with that boss. I am also one who would just say shove it if push came to shove involving my family, especially mom. She did everything for us and I had such a great relationship with her, it is like we loose a part of ourselves when we loose someone we love. It is painful. I listen to people talk this week and I just think I wish that was my only problem. I hate feeling that way...it is not all about me but can't it be a little bit...ha ha. Oh gee if I had no sense of humor I would probably not have any sense at all..........Well again thanks for listening and yes I also have been wondering where and how everybody is doing.

I will be back again soon until then I pray for all of us.

[clittlelady]

SEPTEMBERSPAIN:

Hi... I'm still around... It's good to see your plugging along... Thanks for asking about me. I've kind of been floating around forums. Hope all my friends here are seeing the same beautiful sunshine that's shining outside my office window today. Mother has been gone six months now and tomorrow will be a year my aunt has been gone. Just pretty melancholy about it all right now. It's spring and everything is budding out here. It brings back so many memories of the love my Mother had for the outdoors and vegetable and flower gardens, the projects we shared together. At least she passed her green thumb to me. I haven't been up to tackling any spring spruce up projects yet. I'm really babying my back right now. I'm changing Jobs. I will stil be in the Court Systemm where I am now, but I'm hanging up my Court Reporter hat and have accepted a position as a Deputy Minute Clerk for more $$$$$ and better retirement benefits. A lot has been going on. Husband's job is up in the air with union and company contract negotiations. We're kind of in limbo there. He's home for a while. He's the kind of man that NEEDS to be busy. I think he's even doing laundry today. I begged him not to do mine. Last time I ended up with barbie doll size clothes!!!! Keep us in your prayers.

I'll tip back in later...

Connie

[kjaceyma]

Hey… Today my mom has really been on my mind a lot, and so I decided to pay a visit… some days I just can’t get past the sadness, ya know.

I’ve been here and there, around and not around the board… it’s been a very strange time, the past few months – difficult and wonderful, actually -- after a year of heartache and pain and hardship, these things are happening in my life that look so positive, I hope they’ll continue to be…

I got a promotion at work, which is of course highly flattering – more responsibility, yes, but more pay and a higher status – I will no longer be considered “entry-level”! I will even have my own office, my own extension, at least a modicum of privacy… it’s going to be stressful, of course, but I am confident. I shouldn’t not take a promotion unless I have a really, really good reason not to. Plus… I am surviving one of life’s most stressful events, so I can usually see everything else as easier to deal with. I was concerned that I wouldn’t have the mental preparedness necessary for this new job… but I have been advised, and I have remembered that my upbringing and education has prepared me to handle a whole lot – the world can deal me whatever it wants, I do really think I can tackle it…

Another big thing is this new relationship I’ve found myself in… this guy is pretty awesome, he’s very kind and gentle – he was a caregiver to his mother when she had cancer (maybe I mentioned that before) – I did meet his mother and she’s great, too. I have been sort of reluctant to be too trusting too fast, but I realized that I’m probably falling in love with this man… things are just so comfortable, I just get to feel good being with him. We’ve been doing a lot of youth-oriented things, like bowling and skee ball and rollerskating… I guess that while I’ve had to be so mature lately, these things help me feel innocent..

Maybe it’s no coincidence that these things are happening right now. Not sure what I believe about the afterlife exactly, but I can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind that my mom could be helping me along here…

Recently I’ve written a couple letters to her in my journal. It has been hard and also a good release for me. Crying, yes. Also crying sometimes after I speak with my dad. For me crying had never been a really common thing, but in the past few months I’ve cried a lot - perhaps now it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to cry because it’s been more frequent. I can cry, and 10 minutes later the tears will have dried and I’ll be laughing about something.

Ahhh friends, life is already so rich & complex for me. Just my luck, eh. =P

I love to read about your experiences, thank you all for helping me ~

[suelowe]

Blue202, having read your message i can understand were you're coming from when you say that people wont give you as much support when you really need it. i had a close friend visiting me at my place one evening. She knew my mother had died as she came to her funeral to support me.

one evening she visited me at my place, and we recalled memories about my mother. i showed her a pair of glasses my mum wore a few days before she died. she held them for about a minute, then handed them back to me. suddenly i wanted to hold them forever in my hand. you know what she said to me? she said 'don't get sentimental now'. i looked at her with such anger, it's amazing i didn't throw her out of the window.

At the end of this month it's mum's anniversary. i feel different emotionally as i have a lot of new things in my life, but i know physically it's taking it's toll on me. i'm snapping at people for no reason, i keep asking 'why?' and it's so hard to get it to sink in. It just will not happen!

i thought to myself last night 'i haven't seen mum for ages' like she was on holiday or something, which was then followed by a sense of emptiness. i want to visit the hospital again where she died, try and make sense of things.

i do have new things in my life, an understanding partner who's actually willing to love me rather than dismiss me. if he understands my pain over losing my mother, he's onto a winner. i'm trying to get my head around who i am myself, so my brain's working even harder to understand my mother's death as a whole. if i'm not making much sense here, then i apologise now.

coming on here is a like a release for me, people who know what grief is like, the complexity of it all. my mum's watching down on me now. that's something i can hold onto. i hope you can too, with your mother.

warmest wishes

sue

[cantbelieveit]

Hello, here I sit just trying to figure stuff out. I like to think my mom is watching down over me also and that feels good. I still like the fact that all of our moms have met and are sharing with eachother and are all keeping an eye on us. That brings a big smile to my face. Feeling like I have all of these sisters in common on this board is comforting as well. There must be a reason why we all met here and maybe it is true that our mom's had alot to do with it. I think they are all chatting up there like we are here. I hope that can bring even a little peace to you all, it sure helps me.

Kjaceyma.........GOOD for you Good for you, you sound so uplifted and things seems to be going well, I will pray that they continue to. I am so happy thank you for sharing. Good luck with the promotion and the new man, enjoy! I love all of the activities that you have been enjoying you made my day by sharing your news. Keep it up and have fun. I feel like bowling right now. I have been talking to friends about all of those fun things we used to do, we all enjoyed rollerskating many years ago and I feel you need stuff like that youthful enjoyment to keep you young at heart.

[groy58]

Hello Everyone, Your long lost sister is back!

Connie, Robbin, Dee, Cantbelieveit, Kjaceyma, Sue, Blue202, Tara, Joseph, Renae, Jenny, Swede1, Momsbabygirl, Littlebug, (Lisa, welcome to our little family. Feel free to share with us about your mom. We would love to have you tell us about her) and anyone else that is reading. I send you all many blessings and peace of spirit. I have not posted in a while because I have not been able to even attempt to communicate what I have been feeling to anyone. I have kept each of you in my prayers and as I have attempted to read and get up to speed I see that much has been happening.

This cyber aunt is so happy to hear that our new babies are developing as they should. Littlebug, do you like lemon bars? I love them but to lazy to bake them, smile.

Kjaceyma, you go girl. So happy for your promotion and new love life! What exciting developments. I know you will make wise choices and decisions in both of those matters.

Connie girl, I like those $$$$$ signs, you deserve it. I wish you could pass that green thumb on to me. I received so many beautiful plants during the days following the death of my mom and girl you should see how pitiful they look, but I keep trying, smile. I can imagine how your husband feels with the potential job changes. The newspaper group I work for is accepting bids for the sale of all of our newspapers and I am trying not to let the stress get to me. I am trying to be the voice of reason in that the paper will remain no matter who our owners are. I will be glad when this is over.

Robbin, Girl you know you are your mama’s image so just stand strong.

Tara how did the floods turn out? I hope you are safe! How is your Dad?

Momsbabygirl, girl you and your husband better pack your bags! Do you need me to help? I have several trips planned this summer and I just feel like I am trying to adjust to my new life. And so that means that others around me may have to adjust also. You go have a great time with your husband.

Dee, my sister you know I love your wisdom. Please know that you are a tower of strength that I hope to emmulate. How is Kallie? Your son and his family? Kiss them all for me.

Has anyone heard from Jenny, Joseph?

Well as for me I have been extremely down only seem to have the energy to put in my eight hours at work and then come home and go to bed. I was trying to tell my aunt that I do not fell as if I can be honest with most people, which in turn makes me feel phony. I continue to hurt so much yet the world just keeps moving and I feel like I just stopped understanding things on November 4, 2005. I try to tell myself that people really do care, but then I see, hear and experience things that people say and do and I know they have no idea what we are going through. Some days I just have these major melt downs and scream and cry when I am alone, then I wipe my face and start to play the I’m alright game all over again. I hope that I am making progress in trying to deal with my grief and I know there are no set stages, yet I wish I could just get through this pain. I have got to find my Joy again!

Well see you really did not miss my mini novels, did you?? SMILE

Any feedback, I am listening!

Love to all,

Giselle

[cantbelieveit]

Groy58.........Glad your back, great to hear from you. I had honestly been wondering where you were. It is tough to communicate at times what is going on, but we are all here for you. I do wish for you to find your joy again and I relate so well to what you have explained I really do!

I don't know what to do with myself and I have been resting alot when I can. I need to move this body around and shake up some endorphins. I feel stagnant and at times I don't want to even leave my comfort zone. That is why I never really took time off from work I went right back I needed to (so I thought) but I think my system is run down and I hit a breaking point so to speak this past weekend (my birthday) THANK the lord for computers and this site or I would have barely any communication. I can not handle the outside talk lately of people's bickering and the things they say to me meanwhile do they realize how I am feeling NO WAY. It makes me feel guilty that I feel that way I know "life goes on" but maybe I need to catch up people cut me a break I am trying hard and keeping up the happy/funny me sometimes hits me hard at night especially when I am alone or driving by myself. Anyway I will Exhale now ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ok I was on a roll there ha. :>) Things just feel different like WOW I really can not believe this happened I never imagined my mom would be gone at this stage of life.......Never.

Oh my friends thank you for all of your support I think I need to sign off now, Please keep posting.

Littlebug how are you? Joseph where are you???? Everyone you are all in my prayers.

[septemberspain]

Hi everyone (You see I'm not like Giselle I can't remember everyone's name LOL But I love you all)

I can't tell you all how happy I felt reading all the good things that are going on! I'm especially enjoying seeing $$$$$$ in your pockets! I am coming along, with my unpacking I am amazed at how many things I have that have a conection to my mom mmmmmm. (Although somethings I "borrowed" and they never found their way back to her LOL)

Giselle I think me and you both are going to need Connie's help trying to keep plants alive. I use to have a green thumb, but then I discovered artificial plants that required no care and the rest is history. LOL!

I can't believe spring is almost here! I love spring and summer if I had my way I'd never feel another cold wintry day. I plan on doing some traveling this summer (Another reason why I'm not feeling work right now) Has anyone else had an attitude change regarding the old way we use to do things. OK I'll explain what I mean. Back before all this stuff started happening I use to be happy go lucky I worked long hours didn't think of enjoying life just going about my routine eating sleeping working blah blah blah now it's like I look at me then and me now and I say I really don't want that lifestyle no more now my mouth is worse (I'd probably get fired day 1) I have no tolerance for crap but I'm not a miserable person. I'm quicker to walk away from situations that don't have a direct impact on whether I breathe or not they just don't seem important to me anymore.

Well I'm off to unpack some more and I'll talk soon

Pssst Hey Giselle I know you know Trouble don't last always and of course you know JOY cometh in the morning! (I know listen to me try to encourage you!)

[cantbelieveit]

Septemberspain, I like your style and your words have much impact and meaning, I fully understand the old style of thinking or being compared to the new. You hit the nail right on the head with that. GOOD for you, enjoy travel do whatever you want to and don't do anything you don't want to. Life is to precious we have all learned that haven't we. I feel a bit of an attitude adjustment needed for myself and maybe one for some of the people around me. HA HA.

All of you out there keep the faith and remember we all have eachother when things get to rough or you want to share the good the bad and or the ugly that is what we have this board for.

Take care, Love and Peace be with you all......... :>)

[septemberspain]

Can'tbelieveit,

Somedays when I come here I try to be mindful that this is a public board and the last thing on my wish list is to offend my friends/family here. I have gotten to be so nonchalant that sometimes when I comment back to someone it surprises the heck out of me cause I try to not sound harsh and comical at the same time. But since my mom died my humor and sarcastic mouth sort of mixed together. I think that has alot to do with dealing with the nuts I call family and the people outside of family with the stupid insensitive remarks *shaking my head I actually had someone that knew my mom but didn't know she had died say to me "Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't know she was sick" and without thinking my mouth went into action and said "Oh don't feel bad she didn't know she was sick enough to die either" The look was priceless but I didn't say it as a joke my mother didn't know she had cancer until it was too late. I've also noticed I have become very worried about people's health. I don't know maybe I'm just not ready to deal with anyone I know dying. I feel we've met our quota so leave us alone.

Anyway, now I'm tired still have quite a few things to do before I can actually crawl into my little corner and read but as always I'm wishing us all a good comfortable restful night! (Then again I'll probably be back later) LOL!

Robbin

[cantbelieveit]

Septemberspain, I think you have a way with words and explaining how you are feeling, I don't find anything you have said offensive but hey that is me. :>) I just couldn't try to sleep without checking in again......I wish to hear from our other family members here on this board. I am glad you wrote back. I was given time off from work and I am moving next month good/bad timing who knows? My husband might fall down when I tell him this news. I hope not I am too tired to pick him up, oooops see there I go. Any way good night my friend. Sleep well.

My computer is off to the Dr.'s tomorrow and I hope I can make it without checking in. I will have to keep myself busy. I will probably check back in the early a.m. Take care Goodnight everybody.

[littlebug]

Giselle and Cantbelieve it,

Hey guys, how are you doing? I've been ok. Just very, very tired. I get to have my first ultrasound on the 30th. I can't wait, hopefull I will be able to find out if it's a boy or girl then. It is so nice to know if you miss posting on this site for a few days, people do miss you. We are a family aren't we. I hope you both are doing fine.

Has anyone herd from Joseph?

[cantbelieveit]

Littlebug, Good to hear from you. Yes we are a family and I am so proud to have so many wonderful sisters. Good luck with the ultrasound. Keep us informed. You are bringing life to this board, (literally) BIG SMILE! Be well, we all look forward to hearing from you again soon.

I just had to come to my sister in laws and check in since my computer is not around do to a checkup. I will check back in again when I can.

Good night everyone, sleep tight.

[ladybird]

Hi, I'm new to this site and wonder if there is anyone in my situation. My mum died 6 years and one month ago. Firstly I didn't have space to grieve for her, and secondly I didn't dare to as it was too painful. But now I find that this is impacting on my life. I have found recently that I am tired all the time and am not living my life, not getting on with the things I want to do. After speaking to a general counsellor she suggested this could be due to grief.

I am confused about how to grieve because I have spent so much time blocking it out, years in fact, that now I need to actively grieve to stop prolonging my agony. Hope this makes sense to someone :-(

I would suggest to all you folks to feel your own grief, if you can, as this is part of the part of answer I denied myself, and belive me it's not good.

Love n light, ladybird X

[tara12]

Hello ,

its been a while , so thought it time to say hi to everyone and new people as well...... i just been so busy and preoccupied and nto much to say . i am ok , tired a lot , really exhausted , trying to juggle way too many things .. so many I cant even be bothered to start tot ry and tell anyone , cause it makes me more tired to even do that......

my dad ? i dont know ....... its kinda hard , too hard to talk about really ..... i sortve give up i think , i kinda letting go and bloccking out the reality , cause i got sick of trying to help him and get trashed for my efforts , so instead , i juat hope he will do ok and things will be taken care of somehow ? and tell him i love him and what a good dad he has been , that sort of thing ........ it hurts though ...... but is the way it is...

my mum , she is gone now 4 mths ....... not sure why , maybe cause i am tried a lot , but i have had a few hard days lately , where i just feel teary and emotional , really easily and i find movies that are sad , or tv with death scnes , or people talkingabout death , well , it used to be ok, but now lately i feel emotionally too vunerable and teary really easy...... dealyed grief maybe , i dont know........

maybe just like I said , when i am tired , well then my defenses go and i get vunerable and maybe thats it ...... who knows.

all in all its how it is , life and death , living , dying consciously , seems to be the only answer to all this , trying to love well , be present to the moment , noticing the beauty that is here now . and being grateful , not bitte r, not mean , u know.......

' be kind to everyone , for all people are fighting diffuclt battles" philo of alexandria............ hmmm..... true.

take care..............

[deewithgreeneyes]

Dear Ladybird X....I understand blocking the grief because it hurts to much but they say that tears heal the body and soul. With the loss of my mom and my beautiful 28 year old daughter in a period of 6 months I found I have to grieve, if I don't I get physically ill. I was so scared to feel the pain of the loss of my daughter that I did shut down psychologically. Grief will not kill us, but not grieving can. It can kill us physically, emotionally and spiritually. It can prevent us from loving others and it can build walls that will take years to break down. Hope this helps...Dee

[deewithgreeneyes]

My dear Tara....I have something to share with you...hope you like it.

NATIVE AMERICAN 10 COMMANDMENTS

THE EARTH IS OUR MOTHER CARE FOR HER

HONOR ALL YOUR RELATIONS

OPEN YOUR HEART AND SOUL TO THE GREAT SPIRIT

ALL LIFE IS SACRED; TREAT ALL BEINGS WITH RESPECT

TAKE FROM THE EARTH WHAT IS NEEDED AND NOTHING MORE

DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE FOR THE GOOD OF ALL

GIVE CONSTANT THANKS TO THE GREAT SPIRIT FOR EACH NEW DAY

SPEAK THE TRUTH, BUT ONLY OF THE GOOD IN OTHERS

FOLLOW THE RHYTHMS OF NATURE RISE AND RETIRE WITH THE SUN

ENJOY LIFE'S JOURNEY, BUT LEAVE NO TRACKS.

[kjaceyma]

i've been afraid of not grieving.

i just had a good cry while writing a letter to my mom.

feel a lot better. not less sad, but a little relieved i guess -- i know that this is all real, my tears are a manifestation of my grief, i work best with the tangible and therefore crying is something i've really enjoyed doing.

it's a gorgeous day in boston....

kelly

[blue202]

Miss Me – But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the Road

And the Sun has gone down for Me.

I want no rituals in a gloom filled room.

Why Cry for a Soul set Free?

Miss me a littler – but not too long,

And not with your head bowed low.

Remember the love that we once shared.

“Miss Me – but let Me go!”

For this is a journey we all must take,

And each must go alone.

It’s part of the master plan

A step on the road to home.

So when you are lonely or sick at heart.

Go to a good friend we know,

Bury your sorrows in good deeds.

“Miss Me - but let Me go !”

Remember the good times, not the bad.

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad

It’s memory of our friendship – be Glad.

“Miss Me – but let Me go !”

[deewithgreeneyes]

Blue202...what a beautiful poem, I am going to save it. I hope that you are doing well and you are finding peace. I sincerely hope that you know I keep all of you in my prayers and thoughts. One foot in front of the other is all I can say and at times it seems that it is even to difficult to life that foot. Again the poem was beautiful. I have some poems I would like to sahre as well and will be back on line with them in a few days. I am having a very difficult day today as today is my birthday and my mom and daughter used to make a beautiful day of my birthday, now they are both gone. My son called last night and wanted me to come to his house but the drive is to long for me to take at this time. He is very much in a dark hole of grief himself but we live so far apart it is hard to get together on a regular basis. March 17th they are having a memorial for Michelle called "Girls Who Rip" a surfing movie with clips of Michelle surfing. I have a friend driving with me up to the memorial. My mom's lilac tree is blooming again and her gardenia tree which has all of my prayer birds on it for all of you is starting to bllom as well. New life in the spring.

[blue202]

Dearest, Sweetest Dee....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY from the bottom of my heart !!!

(its feeling pretty empty these days !) I wish I could give you a big daughterly hug - to let you feel loved (I am not that much older than Michelle).. cyber hugs just dont cut it for me !!!

My birthday was back on 20th February. It was so hard. So hurtfull. I know you do not need me to explain. My mum always made big fusses of them.

March 17th is my mum's birthday. So as I am thinking of her, I will be thinking of you at Michelles memorial and praying you will be alright and that life will start to lift the heavy cloud it has placed on your shoulders.

I am taking my dad out to dinner that night, to celebrate the birth of my beautiful mother... it will be hard trying to eat and hold back tears !! lol

He is very sad, we both are... I know everyone says that with time, it gets easier. getting up each day is getting easier, but the pain is still just as strong when it is there. I miss her desperately as you will both your mum and Michelle....

To everyone else, I hope you are all holding together some way or another.. I cant offer many words of help - as I know they mean well, but they never heal the pain we are all enduring.

Be well, be strong, and be loved...

Take care

Ranae xx

[littlebug]

Hello everyone. I hope you are all feeling a little better. It is so comforting to know that we can always come here when we are feeling down. When I lost my mom, I lost my best friend. The only person in the world I could really open up to about anything. I've got sisters and brothers but I can't share things with them like I did mom. I feel so alone. I feel like I am just now waking up from a bad dream. She died Nov. 26, 2005. 3 1/2 months ago. It still doesn't seem real. But at the same time it feels like it is just now hitting me. Is that weird or what? Every day is getting harder for me to deal with. This should be the happiest time in my life, with the baby I'm carring. I am so excited to know I am expecting but I'd give anything in the world to have my mom here with me for this. I am so afraid of forgetting her and the many many things we shared. It is so hard to go on without her. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, as all of you are going through losses of your own. My heart goes out to you also. I just have so much weighing on me, and things I need to get off my chest but have no one I can talk to anymore. I've been wanting to call her all day. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have phone's that would reach from here to heaven? It'd help to at least have a phone conversation to where we could hear their voice anyway. I wonder why God didn't think of that? It'd give us all the more reason to want to go there. Anyway, I'm just feeling lonely and needed to vent a little. Thanks to anyone that read this.

Here's a positive note: I felt the baby move for the first time today. It woke me up this morning. That was so exciting. That may be why I have such an erge to call my mom today. I'm at work and have been fighting back tears all day. Tears of joy and of sorrow. Maybe it's just the hormones, I don't know, but I'm really, really sad and lonely these days. I hope I don't sound pathetic.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Thank you Blue 202 for the birthday wish. I know I have been very quiet on the board these days, have not been feeling well and will be in the hospital next week for my heart. I have some major problems to address with this heart deal. I told the doctor my heart is just broken into pieces, no one can mend it, no one. I miss my mom and daughter so much I don't think I have the fight like I did 6 months ago. I miss them and want to se them.

[septemberspain]

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to stop in and check to see how everyone is doing. Things are still the same with me. Latley it's been like I'm stuck, I have times when my mind is here but I'm still in a fog and my memory isn't worth a darn. I've been battling the feelings of being stuck in one place I have no motavation to do anything I hear people when they talk or ask me for something but my mind just doesn't connect with what I've heard and acting on what I've heard does that make sense? I actually can't figure out how to connect things together so I can function. I'm just trying to get thru another step of grief I guess.

Dee, Happy Belated Birthday to you! I know not a lot to celebrate these days, I'm just going to trust that as time goes on all the soecial days that we share will be more bearable as time passes. Dee, I'm trusting that your stay in the hospital will provide you with answers and of course some much needed rest. I am worried about you, I can't help but to continue to hold you in my prayers. How is your son? I can only hope that you 2 will continue to be there for the other. Dee, I can relate to your feelings of your heart being broken into pieces and it's hard especially when there are missing pieces to complete it. Just remember I'm praying for you and I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Ranae, The poem was beautiful. The words seem alot easier to read than to actually do as they suggest. I just wish I knew the secret of how to handle all these emotions. Maybe soon huh??

Littlebug, I'm so happy to hear the baby is starting to actually move around Now is the time for the cravings to kick in. I'm still going to try to hang with you and the cravings but let me warn you LOL Nothing to weird OK??? I can do all the pickles, lemons and stuff like that just don't make me mix them and eat them together LOL! How much weight have you gained???? When will you find out the sex? I got my fingers crossed for a little niece I have 4 nephews and I'm wishing for some pinkness LOL!

Well, I'm ending here I'm wishing all a peaceful day and may there be some comfort added to make it special

Love y'all Robbin

[littlebug]

Septemberspain,

I'm glad to hear that you are still hanging in there with me. The cravings haven't been as bad lately. Still want lemons and now it's garlic bread. But not having them together. Can you handle that one? lol. No, I don't know the sex yet. I go back to the Doctor on the 30th and will have my first ultrasound. I am praying that they will be able to tell me then. My husbands side of the family all say it will be a boy and my side all say it will be a girl. So, I am really looking forward to finding out. I am almost ready to try and find some old wives tales about how to tell the sex. lol. When I had my second visit to the Doctor I had gained 4 lbs. that was on the 1st. I haven't weighed my self since then. But when I go back, I am sure I've put on several more, I sure feel like I have. I started out at 117, then 121, I have no ideal what I weigh and I'm almost afraid to find out. lol. My hips are sure expanding. I heard that was a sign of a boy. But who knows. As long as it's healthy I will be fine. A little pink would be fine. Boys are more dominate in mine and my husbands family. I think it will be a girl, I've felt that from the very beginning.

I know what you mean about not remembering anything. I know some of mine is due to the pregnacy, but the pain and stress of losing mom has a lot to do with it to. I hope you are feeling better. I cought myself reaching for the phone several times this weekend to call mom. You take care of your self Aunt Robbin. I hope you have a blessed day. Donna

[tara12]

hello a quick note , to u all , i have lost my dad now , he died st patricks day , 17th march , i have the funeral friday , i will be here a week , the battery is going on my eamil right now , so will end and sya more when i can , think of me and him , please send prayers and love for us to be ok and for me to hold up ...love topmall dee , ect

tara 12

[septemberspain]

Tara, My heart is with you during this time, Wow! real hard to comprend the way things have been going for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I'm here for you

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Hi Littlebug you have me waving and acting all cyber crazy LOL! It's good to hear that things are going GREAT!!!! I'm still wishing PINK! I eat garlic bread all the time so a few extra slices won't make me fat! I'm so excited and I can't wait! Rub my baby for me *wink

Love Auntie RobbinXOXO

[papermoon]

*Digs toe in the dirt for a moment, rather shyly*

Hi

I stumbled upon this place (thank God) after searching online everywhere for

someone - anyone - who I could relate to. Although it feels like you are the

only person in the world that has been smacked in the face with tragedy, I

knew I would find you guys somewhere, together, helping eachother. Thank you so much for being here.

At 19 years old, I feel like I have transformed literally overnight from a

carefree teen into a woman worried for her family. I lost my granny a month

ago, and my mother two nights later, unexpectedly. The story goes like

this...(and its a LONG one, but I hope you'll please bare with me).

My granny (Dad's mother) was diagnosed with cancer back in December '05. She

had just turned 70. It had spread all throughout her body because they did not

catch it in time, and though she went through radiation treatments and such,

she was going downhill quickly. Granny was the rock of our large family. We

live in Kentucky and she lived on this big farm. I mean, there wasn't a Sunday

that went by that the whole gang wasn't there eating dinner and visiting. I

remember spending every Thanksgiving & Christmas there since I was just a tiny

little thing. I spent countless summers with her. Her house is within walking

distance from mine and I'd set off in the afternoon, finding her planting

flowers or painting. I'm very much into art/writing and Granny was who I got

it from. It seemed like she would always be there, you know. Like she was

invincible. I thought she would always be sitting out on her backporch in the

evenings canning her green beans.

My aunt (Dad's sister) and my mom decided it would be best to take care of her

at home. She said all she wanted was to be surrounded by her "kids and

quilts", and she was. She took her last breath on Thursday, February 23rd with

the whole family gathered in the living room around her hospital bed. There

was a river of tears, but in a way, it was almost a relief. She was suffering

no longer. She was in no more pain. She was at rest now and we could all lay

our heads at night knowing she was at peace.

My mother worked for the government, which was a stressful job by itself. She

was also going back to school, taking college courses nightly over the

internet to get her degree. My 17 year old brother was born with Spina-Bifida

and wears braces on his legs. He uses a wheelchair when he gets too tired. He

is unable to control his bladder and therefore must wear diapers. However,

to look at him, you could find absolutely nothing wrong. He seems like a normal teenage boy (he's currently going through that grungy, heavy metal stage). He has minor learning disabilities, but other than that, he is not "slow" or mentally retarded whatsoever. Anyway, Mom knew him inside and out and all of the medications he had ever been on. She knew all the doctors he had ever seen. She treated him as gentley as an egg and as a parent of a child with special needs, she was the best I knew. She had previously worked at an elementary school in the handi-capped room and had a lot of experience.

So, all of that on her plate as well as taking care of Granny in the evenings

after work. She hardly slept, her & my aunt I previously mentioned were up all

hours of the night tending to Granny because they wanted her to feel as

comfortable as possible. They said no to a hospice nurse on account of

Granny's wishes.

...So, we're back to Thursday, February 23rd.

Granny has passed and we are in tears, but a weight has been lifted from every

shoulder in the room now that someone we loved so much is finally resting.

The next night, me & Mom make a quick shopping trip for pantyhoes and high

heels for the funeral. After arriving home around 11pm, she was sitting in the living room with Dad when she clutched her chest, saying it felt funny. Within 10 minutes, she was in severe pain but did not want to go to the hospital for some reason. She was vomiting and saying it felt like she needed to run. I finally called an ambulance because I was getting worried - the thought of a heart attack crossed my mind but I ruled it out because it was Mom! She was only 42! That couldn't be it, right? No way, I thought.

I stopped thinking altogether when she collapsed in my father's arms, unconcious. I was hysterical. I could not see straight. I was shaking. I was screaming out in the front yard for the ambulance, my brother fell to his weak knees and prayed.

My mother passed Saturday morning, February 25th.

It still doesn't seem real. I keep waiting for her to come through the door with a load of groceries, or call me from work and ask what I want for dinner. I cannot believe it has almost been a month. We are still walking around, lost without her. She was my best friend.

I keep remembering that I will not be able to hug her at my wedding someday. She will never hold the baby I will someday have. I try to look for the bright side, but its hard when everything is dim.

I'm sorry this was so long. This is really the first time I've written about it since it happened. None of my friends have experienced anything like this, so I really have no one to talk to outside the family, who are so sensitive right now its like stepping on eggshells. Sigh.

[lemonhead]

Papermoon,

I can't put in words the sorrow I feel for you. My heart aches terribly for your losses. You sound like a wonderful, caring woman who has the ability to put in beautiful words your exact feelings. I can tell you this, the site you've stumbled across will give you the comfort when you need it most. I usually just read and can say there are some wonderful, thoughtful people here to share your days' emotions.

I lost my mom last August, and where she resembles your granny more (in fact that was what she was to my 19 year old daughter)I can relate to the pain of losing a mother. I think of my mom always and miss her severely. As time has passed, I find I have less number of days where I cry myself to sleep, but I do still have them. Knowing that your granny is at peace, although missed terribly is a comfort I have for my mom. Losing your mother the way you have is a pain that will take so much time to heal. You know they are both with you in all that you do. Please continue to write. Take these days one minute at a time.

[Guest Guest]

I LOST MY MOTHER TO CANCER, I'M 23 YEARS OLD. MY MOTHER WAS 47 YRS WHEN SHE PAST AWAY. ITS ONLY BEEN 5 MONTHS SINCE SHE PAST AWAY. IT HURST SO SO MUCH, SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. I FEEL SO EMPTY INSIDE AND I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT BETTER. AFTER SHE PAST AWAY, I HAVE TO BE THE STRONG ONE FOR MY FAMILY. I HAVE 2 BROTHERS, MY DAD AND MY DAUGHTER. I JUST WANT SOME HELP ON WHAT TO DO WHEN I HAVE THOSE DAYS THAT I FEEL SO SO DESTROY INSIDE AND I JUST WANT TO LAY DOWN AND CRY ALL DAY LONG.

[littlebug]

Papermoon,

I am so sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you. Your family reminds me of mine so much. I am also from KY and my family always met at mom's on Sunday's. We still try to but it's different now. My oldest brother now lives in the house (mom's). We just show up there at different times now on Sundays. Anyway, I believe you've came to the right place. We are like an unknown family here. LOL! When I read your post it reminded me so much of how I felt when I lost my mom back in November 26th. And I am expecting my first child. I found out 2 months after losing my mother that I was pregnate. It is hard not having her here for this. But I have learned that they are with us always. It is so hard not to see or talk to them but you still have the memories. Like the other day, I sat on my couch, eating again, as I had all day long. (my mom used to laugh at me if I went through those eating till you can't get full stages. And she'd always give me that look and say that'll catch up with you one day ole girl) Anyway, there I was on the couch taking a bite and strait in front of me is this picture of me and mom. I looked at it and for the first time realised she has that look in the picture. And I could almost hear her telling me that. I got tickled and felt like she was right there with me. It's little things like this that helps you get through. I know exactly how you feel about her not being there for you for the big days, weddings & baby. But I believe that they are still aware of what is going on with us. She is still with you, but in a differenty way now. If you ever need to talk I will be here for you, and so will everyone else on this site. You can e-mail me at lashankie@yahoo.com if you'd like. Take care of yourself.

[eulaha]

Papermoon,

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. My mother also died suddenly of a heart attack, not quite six months ago. It was such a shock to my family and me, and I haven't quite recovered from it. I don't think I ever will.

[groy58]

Everyone

It’s Giselle, Let me say Welcome to all our new family members (Guest, do not be afraid to post here, we will listen) and a big I’ve missed you to all my other cyber relations. I have been thinking about and praying for you all in my absence! I have been working and sleeping a lot. My newspaper was sold last week so that means I have been thrown into total transition mode and my future in the business is uncertain. But do not be concerned, I am resolved to the fact that things change and I know whatever comes If I stay where I am or go on to new things it will be better than it’s ever been for God is with me and I know he will direct my path.

Tara, I send you humble blessings for courage as you confront the death of your father. I know you will show both wisdom and strength on Friday, and know that each of us is standing with you in spirit! I know that this is a hard time. My father died four years ago and it’s strange the things I miss about him , like when we used to talk we would hold hands and I really miss that simple act.

Dee, how did the memorial service go? I’ll get with you on that this weekend

Connie, girl where are you? How is your back? The new job?

Joseph, Ladybird, Cantbelieveit, Where are you? I hope all is going well. I will come looking for you soon, smile!

Eulaha, Good to hear from you. What’s been going on?

Littlebug (Donna), thanks for keeping us cyber aunt’s updated! You and Ms. Robbin (hey girl, you better call and bring me up to speed or I will be on a plane so I can see for myself, Ha) are really going to have to get some method to that diet you are on, smile. I want you to know that my mother’s name was Donna. I am just praying for healthy and I know we will all be proud. I can’t wait until we can have pictures!

Papermoon, I want you to know that your feelings of “you are the only person in the world that has been smacked in the face with tragedy. At 19 years old, I feel like I have transformed literally overnight from a carefree teen into a woman worried for her family”. I would say to you that I am a young (wink), 47 years old and I can totally relate as I am sure many of us can with what you have expressed. The day we lost our mother’s transformed our lives forever and we are all on this journey of grief and the search for understanding and answers to things that never crossed our minds before. You sound like you had two very strong role models in your grandmother and mother. You may not realize it yet but I can sense that they have done a very good job of preparing your for the years ahead (you write with much passion and wisdom for your years). Always remember that they both have transformed to their proper places in heaven and will continue to guide you as you travel down the roads of your life. And it is a common belief among those of us that post here that our mother’s all have gotten together and lead us to this site to be unfailing support to one another. I hope that you will share more about your mother and grandmother. Your Sunday dinners and close knit family sound a lot like mine and I was raised in Kansas. None of us here judge each other, care about age, race or where we are from. We love each other through the tears and the confusion. Hope to hear from you soon. We have found in posting here a place to come and find peace when many times there is nowhere or anyone else that understands what we go through.

Lemonhead, thanks for posting. I hope that you will share more. I know that it is sometimes difficult to find the words to express. I have gone for days at a time when I just can not put what I am feeling in words and then it seems to just overflow from me like lava from a volcano. Yet it helps to cleanse my soul for a moment in time and for that I am and will be eternally grateful.

Ranae, hey Great to hear from you and happy belated birthday. I am praying for you and your father.

I feel as if I barely made it through the holidays and have no idea how I will handle mother’s day, birthday’s etc.

Kelly, (it's a gorgeous day in boston.) Did you get any of this snow storm that passed over Kansas? I only had trace amounts at my place but much of the state received record amounts and to top it all it is spring break here for the kids, like my niece would say bummer, smile. I know what you mean about crying, sometimes it has been the only way a felt like I could continue to breath.

Well another day is just about done. I hope to hear from each of you soon.

I send each of you Love and peace of mind.

Your Sister,

Giselle

[papermoon]

I didn't think I would actually look forward to coming here again, as at first it seemed like such a sad reminder, but I was drawn back to it and to everyone here. And I realized today that you cannot find a way around the reminders, you must go through them; I was sitting at work staring blankly out the rain soaked window (seems like my mind has been in slow motion for so long that it takes awhile to catch up with what's actually going on) & I watched the exact same car Mom drove - same color, same tinted windows - drive by on it's way into town. For a split second, I thought "Wonder where Mom's going?" as I have many times before ...and after a moment those words caught up to me, and all over again it felt like the very first time I realized she was gone.

Lemonhead: I will definitely take each day one minute at a time. Returning to

work has helped a lot, it gives me something to focus & concentrate on. Otherwise, I get lost in a jumble of thoughts, re-living that night over and

over. Gosh, that picture is etched in my mind but it seems more like a dream

than a memory. Thank you so much for your advice, and I will continue to

write.

Littlebug: Let me tell ya, we had so many buckets of KFC last month I was

convinced there wasn't a chicken alive in this state! And I ate more than my

share. After food being the last thing on your mind for so long, it suddenly

turns into your best friend. You're right, though. She is with us, just in a

different way now. I'm adding your email to my address book!

Eulaha: Even though I know I'm being silly, I still keep thinking "Isn't

there something we can do? Isn't there a heart medicine she can take?" I

think I'm still in shock, too. I can't get over the physical aspect that I

cannot touch her. It makes me so angry, but I don't know at who or what. Just

angry in general. There are just so many emotions all at once, you know.

Someone told me that time never really heals anything, it only helps us. I

believe that there will be a scar to our wound, but its better than a gaping

hurt that you can't seem to get away from. We will be okay, somehow. We will.

Giselle: I hadn't thought about that! Yes, all of our mothers are together.

That is one thing that helps me get through the day, knowing that she is not

alone. Knowing that she is with loved ones that have gone before. That, and

the small signs she shows me from time to time let me know she's okay.

I'm on my way over to Visions & Dreams. I'm interested in everyone's signs. I've been writing all the ones my family has gotten down in a journal so I never forget them. I recommend that for anyone who is a believer

[littlebug]

Papermoon,

What is your address? I don't want to accidently delete your message if I don't recognise it. How are you doing today? I've been praying for you. You will notice all kinds of signs that they are still here with you. I'm like you, I love to here everyone share stories of what they've experienced. It seems to give you some hope. Have you read the book "Hello From Heaven"? Someone on here recommended it to me. It is really good. It is full of stories of people's experiences. There are tons of different ways they still communicate with us. Have you had any dreams about your mother and grandmother yet? The first couple of weeks after my mother passed all sorts of things happend that I couldn't explain. Other than that was mom. I have not doubt that it was her. I will have to tell you about those sometime. Well, you take care and keep in touch.

[papermoon]

seaofballoons@aol.com. Please feel free to write, anyone at all. I LOVE getting mail.

Thank you for the prayers - I can feel them and I gain a little more strength each day because of them.

...Today was pretty 'blah' for me, Littlebug. I was in a raw, cranky mood for no reason. I work at a physical therapy clinic as a receptionist and it seemed like all the patients today were elderly (some 75-80 years old). Some in wheelchairs with oxygen, some barely walking with canes, some who have trouble even talking. And this bit of jealousy pinched me from the inside and I started questioning things. Why not one of these people who have lived a long life? Who are struggling to breathe? Who are in pain every morning waking up and who ache every night as they lie down? Who have established a family and have had the privelage of being grandparents, great grandparents? WHY Mom who had so many chapters of her life unwritten. So many blank pages to fill.

And then I felt terrible & selfish for wishing it had been someone else, because that certain someone else's family would be in grief right now just as I am, and I would never wish that on someone purposely! Is that normal?? It was just a rough day. All I could think about was coming home and taking a nap. Sleep is like an escape from me, sorta.

I've never heard of "Hello From Heaven" but I'll be making a trip to the bookstore first thing tomorrow. As for dreams, actually I haven't had any since they passed. I keep hoping I will, but as of right now my mind must be blank even in sleep.