Grief & Healing from a Christian-Biblical Worldview

[lagrangel]

Rody,

  My prayers are with you and Gods love surrounds you in this difficult wave of grief.  I have not posted for such a long time just trying to keep moving in life as we all do. I just started a new job and a woman in our office just lost her 28 year old daughter. I look at her and just feel the pain and sadness in her heart. I told her the only way that I have got through these 21 months was God and my faith.

I left my job at the school after 14 years and started a new job. I decided it was time for a change in my life and just did it. My husbands job is up in the air because he works at GM and you know the rest of the "story". I told him we will get through this no matter what happens. He has worked for them 30 years and is just sick.  I have said to him several times just think what we have to look forward to in heaven. No worries and we will once again see our sweet handsome Brent. Life is so difficult on earth sometimes but the reward is waiting in heaven for all of us who know our Lord. May God be with each and everyone, Love Lana

[msroderskie]

Thank you Julie for your prayers on my behalf.  I am humbly grateful that you would pray for me in the midst of your newer grief.  What a blessing and privilege.  You inspire me to renew my efforts to pray for all my fellow grievers here at BI.

Claudia, your words brought tears to my eyes.   Thank you for establishing this thread and for your tireless efforts to serve so many in Ecuador and here online.  You are a true sister and friend. 

Lord, I'm so thankful for the sisters you have acquainted me with here on this website.  I pray for every one of them to be strengthened in your Holy Spirit, upheld by your might Lord Jesus.  Please help each of us to see with eyes of faith, and to believe with hearts filled with hope that comes only from You.  Thank You for the many ways You've kept us going, caused us to grow spiritually while we struggle with our painful losses.  We watch by faith for You to fulfill Your perfect will in each of our lives.  We watch for You to use our stories of grief to comfort and bless people around us.  Help us to overflow with the love and compassion that You want to show through us.  Amen!

Rody

[msroderskie]

Lana,  I just saw your post.  Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers. 

How brave of you to chart a new course in your work life!  I can see how that kind of big change could be refreshing while working through grief.  It sounds as if you are happy with the decision.  I hope your husband's employment situation turns out well.  

We need to pray for your co-worker who lost her daughter.  Lord please help this woman who is so new in her grief.  Please use the words that Lana spoke to her as a lifeline for her to grasp at some point.  Be with this woman, Lord, as close as she will allow You to be.   We cry with her Lord.  Help the Christians around her to manifest Your love to her.

Lana, you're so right.  We have a certain hope in looking forward to our heavenly life!

And that Brent -- what a handsome young man!

Love, Rody

[lagrangel]

Claudia,

Still love to see your posts when I came on here. You brought me so much comfort and help in that first year. It is so hard to believe that August will be 2 years. Your words and encouragement helped me throught those difficult months. You were so right about the pain easing over time. I remember the days when I would cry everyday on the way home from work and on the way to work, cry at every holiday and family function. Time has softened the pain... I still miss him like everyone does but we learn how to live and survive. Oh!! how I thought I could not go on but God has given me the strenght to carry on and help others that have lost their children.  I love to see your posts and admire the great work you do. Love, Lana 

[lagrangel]

Thanks Rody you are a blessing!!!! Love Lana

[4everjoeysmom]

I tried to get on BI all night last night, and no go. Lana, I can't tell you how my heart jumped for joy at seeing your post. It has been a long time, but you are still and always in my heart and prayers. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[no40corysmom]

Has anybody else lost their taste for food?  I'm still rather startle myself as to how dead I feel inside....I eat.  But it doesn't taste like anything.......

I was just curious........

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Julie! I never really lost my "taste" for food...just my appetite for a little while. But them it came back and I got into comfort eating, which is now 15 extra pounds my problem. When is the last time you had a check-up at your doctor? Loss of taste can be caused by any number of things, from vitamin deficiency to diabetes and more. You should have it checked out, just as a proactive measure. Stress could likely be a factor, but it's better to discuss it with your doctor in case something more serious needs attention. Keep me posted... xoxoxoxo ~Claudia

[aurora]

I've lost my sense of taste in grief, also my sense of smell. It's been 3 years already.

[homeschoolmom]

5 and a half months and I feel tired.  I am resentful that I have to carry on...that my husband and everyone else looks to me for direction....That my church feels the need to pile on the work without recognising that I am burnt out, unmotivated...grieving. Where is my desire to go on?  What about my kids, my marriage?  Why do I not care?  Why is my baby gone?  How do I make it through another day? Another hour?  I know the theology, but my heart is so broken and shattered...I feel every tear burning its way to the lining of my soul.  God's peace seems so far away...not even sure if I want it-I am feeling so angry.  So hurt.  So alone and unloved... All I want is just one more hug...one more smile... one more "I love you..." But would that ever be enough?  I would have gladly traded places...why didn't God give me that choice...my precious baby- GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelly (Rohan's Mom)

[mpsmom]

Shelly, hang on ...........  as Dee and Claudia and Sherry have promised us all --- the pain gets softer, more managable and the memories of our babies will one day warm our hearts instead of being a reminder that there will be no more new memories. 

If I could , I would wrap my arms around you ...... Marcia      Bethany's Mom Forever

[no40corysmom]

You know what really keeps me going.......besides the Lord, of course ?

Studying end times prophecies.  Yeshua is returning soon as the rightful King of this earth.  But before He does.........we are in for some wild times starting very, very soon.

Hang on fellow believers !!! We will be united with our children sooner than you think!

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Shelly,

I was exactly where you are in your post when i was at 5 -6 months. I knew the theology good and well, but i would have just as soon said to anyone that they could stuff their theology, because I wasn't having it on that day. What I was feeling and going through, the hurt and all, it was far stronger than my heart could manage. I ended up finally in total surrender. I stopped caring too, but I kept going through the motions. I lacked motivation, but somehow pushed to do what was necessary in the moment. Looking back, I now see where it was Jesus carrying me, continuing to pour out His grace over me when I felt more like Judas than one of the faithful ones. The only way I ever survived all of that was to force my focus outside of this world, onto the eternal. Believe it or not, I can think of Joey and smile knowing where he is. It hurts to miss him. I hate it. I'll never get used to it. But I am managing in ways I never imagined possible. It's all solely by the grace of God, because nothing I could ever have done or can do moving forward could give me the insight and the peace I have now...only Jesus.

I am learning that people have a short attention span. For example you mentioned that church overloads you, not thinking about your grief and your inability to focus or motivate. That's because after 3 months passed, they moved on. My husband always says 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months--depending on the event, that is usually the timeframe that folks can think on and reflect in what happened. When someone shares a gossip--3 days usually and then its off to newer news. When someone gets a new gadget or article of clothing, 3 weeks until they are scoping out the next new accessory or gadget. Someone moved or suffered a loss, or got fired, etc... 3 months and they are so back into the routine of their centrally focused lives that they don't think much about how someone else's life has been affected and changed. If you do not watch out for you, no one else will. You have to put your 2 cents in and say NO, I can't do this right now. I cannot take another project. I cannot focus on this right now. Can someone else do this because I have to go get a pedicure.

There are times still when I would love to throw in the towel and not be the one holding some project together. But my motivation and focus are FINALLY coming back. It;s been almost 3 years. 2 years were super tough with motivation and being able to concentrate on anything for more than 10-15 minutes. It was so unlike the old me. I started teaching high school English here in Ecuador a couple of days a week. It's the first major long-term commitment (personally) that I have made with enthusiasm, motivation and drive in a very long time. I know it feels like you will always feel this way. I know the frustration of feeling like this. I know how hard it is. And I also know that it can be overcome...but not by our own power or doing. Solely by God's grace can we get through it and find Him, His peace, and even joy on the other side of the darkest of valleys. I liken it to a terrible time that I spent in the wilderness. The temptation to quit, to sin and scream, to lose faith and heart... but YOU CAN DO THIS!! You can get through this. You will get through this. The timing of 5-6 months is when things got most difficult for me. It's the time when I became most angry, and it lasted for about 3 months. It was terrible time. My poor husband endured a lot. But I made it, and so will you. Hold on tight, and know you are not alone. You are not unlike others who Believe in God's mercy and yet have questioned and shaken fists in the midst of your deep pain and loss. Write and share, and vent and steam, and know that you can do this, and yet THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

HUGS, HUGS, and more HUGS!!! Love, Claudia

[homeschoolmom]

I am back in Florida and yesterday was really bad with the anxiety... I walked into my baby's room and stayed only for a minute or two...just long enough to open the blinds and make sure all was in order.

I am going to drive by the scene of the accident, and just say "hello." Rohan was cremated, so that's kind of my memorial spot.  The pain and anger seems to be on hold but that's because I can't take any more so I shut my emotions off.  Now I just have the residual nausea to deal with. 

Claudia, ever since I started coming to BI  several months ago, your faith and common sense way of looking at things, endeared you to me... my mom's name is also Claudia... thank you for not only your words of encouragement, but your virtual hugs.  I just struggle sometimes with the "concept" of God's grace and love and needing to run to the One who allowed my pain in the first place.  People at church think I'm so strong and capable, but inside I feel like a fraud.  I guess I've bought into the "stiff upper lip" thing. 

Anyway, the girls are off to Disney for the rest of the week, and I am left alone at home with my GrandMa to get her around to her appointments etc.  Hopefully I don't forget to drive on the RIGHT!!

Blesings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mom

[homeschoolmom]

I am back in Florida and yesterday was really bad with the anxiety... I walked into my baby's room and stayed only for a minute or two...just long enough to open the blinds and make sure all was in order.

I am going to drive by the scene of the accident, and just say "hello." Rohan was cremated, so that's kind of my memorial spot.  The pain and anger seems to be on hold but that's because I can't take any more so I shut my emotions off.  Now I just have the residual nausea to deal with. 

Claudia, ever since I started coming to BI  several months ago, your faith and common sense way of looking at things, endeared you to me... my mom's name is also Claudia... thank you for not only your words of encouragement, but your virtual hugs.  I just struggle sometimes with the "concept" of God's grace and love and needing to run to the One who allowed my pain in the first place.  People at church think I'm so strong and capable, but inside I feel like a fraud.  I guess I've bought into the "stiff upper lip" thing. 

Anyway, the girls are off to Disney for the rest of the week, and I am left alone at home with my GrandMa to get her around to her appointments etc.  Hopefully I don't forget to drive on the RIGHT!!

Blesings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Shelly, A practice I began some time ago was to ensure taking no credit for anything good, including strength that I exhibit. You noted that people at church see you as very strong. I believe it would relieve you of some of that pressure as to how folks see you or interpret your "keeping things in" as strong to just say something like "any strength I have is not my own, but what I am capable of absorbing from God on any given day. Some days I may appear strong, because perhaps I have absorbed more of His strength on those days. On other days my sponge fails me and I absorb very little, so I hide myself away in the dark corners of my soul." And then I would simply ask, "what kind of absorption rate do you think I have today?" It would be interesting to see what kind of responses you might get. It certainly could open doors to people understanding that you need their prayers more than their requests to do this thing or that thing on any given day.

I try to find creative, subtle ways to let people know that I am STILL and always in need of their prayers for my loss and missing my Just-Joey. Being blunt puts them off, and not saying anything lets them assume I am A-OK.

You carry a lot of weight in your grief, and in the guilt and pressure of taking on too much at church. Try to take a step back from all of that AND let people know that YOU are not strong. You are only as strong as your sponge in the moment... I find that perfectly OK, and if they are truly your Sister and Brother in Christ, then they should find that perfectly OK too..

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[msroderskie]

Hello all my dear sisters,

I've been out of the loop somehow, stopped getting the e-mail notices that indicate when there have been posts on this thread. 

Shelly - your pain is tremendous right now.  I will pray for you.  This kind of horrific loss makes us feel as though there will never be any comfort.  Follow Claudia's excellent advice and vent here, even vent to God.  He's big enough to take it.  Just don't forget that we do not see the whole picture.  We see only the messy underside of the tapestry.  We try to apply the Word and the theology that we know, but we won't fully understand WHY until we are face to face with God. Meanwhile, I know He is the only One with all the answers.

Claudia, I'm copying some sentences from one of your recent posts and I'll quote you in a brief testimony I'm giving at a church tomorrow.  You always say it so beautifully!

Love in Christ, Rody

[no40corysmom]

Amen, Claudia you are a blessing........

I am so sad tonight.......one of my best friends lost her son today.......Cory and Wesley were childhood friends......Wesley left this earth today in a drowning accident........Just being with Doris today, and reliving my own painful first moments......was awful.  Please lift Doris up in prayer as she mourns the loss of her only child,  Wesley.....

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh how sad about Doris losing Wesley... Tears and prayers... My heart... I'm so sorry, Julie. Your friend is truly blessed to have someone alongside her who truly understands.

Rody, wish I could be there for your testimony sharing. Praying that it sparks a move of God amongst the church. Love ya! ~Claudia

[homeschoolmom]

How sad...I hate it whenever someone else joins our "club." I can't imagine not having any children left to hold and share life with...Praying for peace and strength beyond our own endurance....I am trying to live out the words, "We may not, Lord, Thy purpose see, but all is well that is done by Thee." My heart is breaking all over again.

Shelly, Rohan's Mom

[mpsmom]

My prayers go out to Doris for the loss of her only son Wesley. 

Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

[msroderskie]

I'm joining with you all in prayers for Doris in her terrible loss. 

[wyomingsal]

I haven't been on much lately but wanted to stop in and let you all know I am thinking about you and so sad to hear about the death of Doris's son. I hate drowings as that is how my dear boy died.  Sometimes you want to shake God and bring Him to His senses...How could you let this happen oh Lord?!  ...I must reign in those thougts...for who are we but the pots created by the potter.  Who are we to say it isn't fair?  He knows what he is doing.  His plans are perfect.  We must trust and have faith that though we hurt and mourn....all is eternally well.  We have a hope for our eternal future.  God is in control and we will spend eternity rejoicing, singing, and dancing for pure joy in fellowship with Him and with our dear children.  I can't wait for the day I am reunited with those who have gone on before me...my mother, my dear sister and most difficult to be without here on earth...my dear son Joshua.

 I am lifting up a dear lady named Karen today who lost her son Micheal exactly one year ago today.  All those memories of the most horrible day in our life seems to re-enact on that anniversary day (even the week before).   I pray God's comfort and presence upon her today.

[sadgirl74]

 

[wyomingsal]

Pray for Claudia today.  I don't know what is going on but she asked for prayers for protection right now. 

Sal

[4everjoeysmom]

Please pray for God to work a miracle between now and Monday. A small miracle already happened about a half hour ago. Praise God!! We need more! Lord, you know our need, our threat, and you know of our great love for you and desire to serve your people. Lord, lift us. Lift us out of this danger. Bring your mercy upon us. Protect us with your army of angels, Lord. Give us the strength to walk with you and the grace to be seen as your representative here on earth, even through this. Lord, this pain I have today is only 2nd to losing a son. You know me. you know my heart. You know my husband and his heart. Bless us Lord for keeping steadfast to your call on our lives. Help us to follow your will, no matter what that means. I pray in the name of Ancient Of Days!! Amen

I love you all here. Thank you for your prayers.

[msroderskie]

Claudia, I don't know what is happening with you folks, but I will pray and ask my church to pray.  I thank God each time I think of the great support you've created for all of us on this thread.  Father God, please set up a hedge of protection around Claudia and her husband; be the strong tower into which they can run.  Let them stand for You staunchly every moment, and please lead them by your faithful Holy Spirit. 

Love to you in Christ,

Rody 

[no40corysmom]

Claudia.......please know you are on my heart and spirit....even if I don't reply on this board, you are on my heart and in my prayers.......

Father I pray right now you will watch over Claudia and her family, please bless her with your mercy and love, and graciousness.......please meet her every need, Father, we don't know what those needs are but you do.....and Father we trust you will meet those needs and surround Claudia with your angels of fortitude to fight off the adversary, stop him in his tracks..........defeat him with the power of Yeshua.......we claim victory now, in the name of Yeshua.....

 

And your wiill be done, not ours Father, but yours...........

[msroderskie]

Has anyone heard from Claudia?

[msroderskie]

I heard from Claudia through a PM that she is safe, still in Ecuador, and they continue to need prayer.  She could not give details, only said that some person is attacking their ministry and making threats.   They have secured legal help.  I'm guessing the one who is breathing threats is simply someone who hates Christians/Christianity.  So please pray as you feel led.  The Enemy has a big mouth, but ultimately, Jesus owns the VICTORY!!

Love in Christ,

Rody

[no40corysmom]

Thanks for updating us Rody.....I will keep her uplifted in prayer.

[4everjoeysmom]

Freedom & Grace: A message to my BI Family

(Posted only on this thread due to the Christian content)

As many of our friends and family "back home" celebrated this Freedom weekend, Michael and I remain in the process of prayerful recovery and seeking God’s plan for the road ahead.

One month ago we were hosting a mission outreach team from Arizona. A week later our mission was turned upside down. We've since endured threats to our well being and hostile actions from once trusted friends and Christian brethren. We've been “asked” to return (without any compensation to the ministry for 3-1/2 years of investment, upgrades and so forth) a donated property that was entrusted and given nearly 3 years ago to two families acting “in trust” for the ministry. We've been threatened with jail and deportation if we do not "vacate and hand over" our ministry base of operations. We've had our phone and internet services shut down as a measure to disrupt our communication with the outside world. We've been additionally threatened with a "wait and see what will happen next" response to our not having surrendered under coercion to the initial threatening and unmerited demands. And just yesterday morning we received an e-mail stating how we’ve been “clearly warned through God’s great kindness and mercy”. While we can only speculate as to the true underlying motives that are driving this full blown attack against us and our ministry here, we can certainly say that nothing of these events contains an aroma of Christ. And while we are hopeful that God will move this circumstance and turn things around, protecting us, our ministry work and the folks served by our mission, the short term affects of this challenge have been devastating to the current ministry work and focus.

Michael and I are very saddened that this looming threat over us has virtually brought our ministry to a standstill, not knowing what tomorrow or even the next moment will bring. We've had no choice but to begin preparing for the worst, all the while hoping and praying for the best. We don’t quite know what the future holds for us, but we do know that God is faithful and good, and that He will make His will known to us as we continue to walk in faith. We are grateful to all who have thus far come to our aid in prayer and financially, and even physically. We pray that your generosity continues, as we are in such great need of it.

Though we are currently unable to go into greater detail, we do pray that in time God will reveal truth to the matter in a way that brings Him glory verses this great grief to a flourishing ministry that He has ordered. Nothing about any of this makes sense from a godly perspective—the betrayal, the threats and actions of harm to our well being, the attacks that have suspended and affected our ministry efforts, the seeming instant reversal of a “shared vision” that brought us here 3-1/2 years ago. We are stunned and hurting, and we humbly ask that you continue to pray for us, for our physical and spiritual protection, for the protection of the ministry of Pathways, and for the Meeting Place. We also ask for you to pray for those that have come against us, that God would soften them and penetrate their hearts with His Truth, that they might see the wrong they have done against us; that they might consider us and the ministry that has been thriving here and growing for the past 3-1/2 years; and that they well consider the many who are being adversely affected by their actions. We especially ask for your prayers for “the many” here who have been touched by the ministry flowing in and out of the Meeting Place, that they not become discouraged by the actions of men and that they remain hopeful in Christ.

God Bless You All, and Happy Freedom Celebration!

Thank you all, my BI Family, for your prayers and loving kindness. Only you can truly understand how something of this nature can complicate already existing grief... xoxoxo ~CL

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia:  thank you so much for the update.  I will continue to keep you and Michael and all those you serve in my prayers for a resolution to these issues that are being forced upon you.  I pray that God will direct those "in charge" to allow your ministry to continue, or to help direct you to where you need to be, if it is not to continue where you are.  I am sure the people you have served so lovingly have become closer to God and closer to each other through your efforts and kindnesses.  Please try to keep us updated...I know it is likely difficult, but it is comforting to know that you are safe.

love, peace, and much prayer

Carol and Ralph

[mikesmum]

Claudia - you know the heart of those here.  We know the work you do and the word of God has given so much to so many both here in through your ministry.

May you and Michael find strength & be surrounded by a light of protection.  May continue to be safe as you work through this storm.

Trudi

[msroderskie]

This thread has been so quiet lately.  Claudia, please let us know what is happening with you.  We will continue to pray.

Rody

[mpsmom]

Rody, I spoke with Claudia yesterday , things are changing for her, she is safe and well. I am sure she will write when she can.

Hugs,  Marcia  Bethany's Mom Forever

[msroderskie]

Thanks for the information, Marcia.  Your Bethany is so beautiful, by the way.  I have a granddaughter named Bethany, who actually has a stepsister by the same name!   It's a beautiful name, which I was going to name my son Matt, had he been a girl. 

This is a new season of grieving for me - no particular reason, that's just the way it is.

Love to all my grieving sisters and brothers, in Christ,

Rody

[hotsauce]

what do you do when you don't believe anymore????????????????????????????

mary ann (hotsauce)

[4everjoeysmom]

Mary Ann,

It's not unusual for any level of faith to be shaken and tested when we go through something as devastating as losing a child. Some even "lose" their faith for a time. But if ever you were a true Believer, then hold onto knowing that God will see us through.

Php 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

I went through a time of being pretty angry with God. It wasn't right, but it was real.

I think the hardest thing for any of us to grasp is how things like this happen. I mean, we know that bad things exist in the world. But to be stripped of a child... and for seemingly no just cause...

But I also believe that we each are created by a loving God, who has numbered the hairs on our heads and also the days of our lives. He knows us from before birth and eternally after this life. To us in this life it feels as if our child was stolen from us, when in fact our child always belonged to God first and was on loan to us. Some parents live longer than their children, and that's the very hardest thing to bear, in my opinion. I guess in time, if we look toward faith instead of reason, we see the blessed gift we've been given--no matter how long or short--that God loved us enough to have chosen us to parent that child in this world. And for whatever purpose that child had in this life, though we cannot see the purpose in that life ending, that life's purpose has been fulfilled. It could be something so simple and sweet as that child was supposed to touch a single soul, simply and fully, and then return home to his or her eternal place that was chosen before that child ever was conceived. It may be something more intense, and more devastating to us, like that child went through some terrible illness and touched a whole generation of people, having changed their hearts and lives forever and beyond this lifetime. No role any of us Children of God has been given is too big or too small in God's eyes, nor too long or too short. It's always perfect according to His plan all along. And yet we in this life cannot help to put demands and timelines on what we expect when we are given such a gift and responsibility from God. I think about my friends who cannot have children, and how painful that is for them. I feel very blessed, though hurt for having to give up my son too soon, yet blessed for having had him in my life at all. But it took time to get to that point, to shed the anger and feelings of hurt and betrayal. Ultimately I had to give up my expectations and demands and realize that God didn't do this to punish me...but rather to allow me to be a part of something so huge that before I had children I couldn't even get my head wrapped around it. MOTHERHOOD. He allowed me to be a mom. I wasn't a very good one sometimes. But I learned a lot about life, and about unconditional love--not unlike the love God has for His Children. And though my son is not here, my heart will never stop being his, nor will I stop being a mother. The gift remains engraved in my heart, a part of me.

How do we go on Believing? It's just a thing called Faith. Believing that God is good, no matter what we go through in this life. Believing that what we are given, all that is good, truly is a gift. Believing that all good things come from God, including our children. And believing that whatever He gives, we must be willing to return to Him when He calls, however hard that is to do. And KNOWING that EVERYTHING that happens in this life, including motherhood, sons & daughters, is but temporary and that there is something far greater in purpose that is eternal, and that this life is not our end but merely the beginning. BELIEVING without a breath of hesitation that death from this life, though brings pain, is not a final good-bye. Believing with our whole heart that the sons and daughters we give back to God, that He has called earlier than we ever imagined to return to him, we will be reunited with them.

It may sound wishy-washy. It may sound contrite. But what keeps me going in this life is the KNOWING that Joey is fully alive and well in the presence of God--his creator and King--and that I too have a place there (WITH THEM) when my purpose here concludes. The hardest part is continuing on the journey to fulfill my own intended purpose without getting too overwhelmed in trying to figure out the reasons and seasons of God. I don't blame Him for taking Joey, and I am no longer angry. I even sometimes smile and wonder what it is Joey had been ready for that I just can't quite seem to have made it there yet. He got picked before me. I used to be the kid that was picked nearly last for the kick-ball teams that were being divided in PE class. I feel like I'm still that kid. Joey is something special alright. He got picked WAY before me, and I'm guessing he's on one heck of a good team.

I've been close with people who have "lost their faith". I've watched friends walk away and not come back to faith, and have also seen friends return to their faith even stronger than they were before. If you truly ever Believed in God, and if you really are losing your faith, then all you can do is pray for God to not let go of you, no matter how much you curse Him and say you don't believe. I believe He never abandons us. He remains with us, though perhaps silent for a time, through it all. Because His promise was never to leave or forsake us. He never said anything about a pain-free life. And in my own experience and through the ages, I have never found where God has broken a promise... NEVER. THAT is His Unconditional Love.

Wish I could say something of a gem that would stick with you and light a fire of HOPE. Maybe I have. Maybe I haven't. But know this. I am praying for you, and I have been praying for you ever since you first joined BI. I am so very sorry for your pain and grief in losing your beautiful son. From the heart of one who knows your pain, I pray the strength of God be yours to see you through, and that you find His peace along the journey. It will come if you truly Believe...

Praying,

Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

My Devotional today from RZIM.org (BEAUTIFUL!!!) I just had to share...

Stronger than Death

The romantic words of a husband to his wife were carefully written in pencil on the back of a mail-worn postcard. With thousands of other notes and letters like it, the postcard arrived at an Ohio post office, a minuscule part of a routine shipment from the U.S. Postal Service distribution center in Toledo. But the note’s arrival was hardly routine.

Roscoe St. Myer’s postcard, mailed to Mrs. St. Myer of Port Clinton, Ohio, arrived 82 years late. The postmaster said she had no idea how the yellowed postcard ended up in the shipment or where it originated from, but noted, “I think that their family would love to have this card. This is quite a keepsake for somebody.” Post-marked September 14th, 1922 and mailed with a 1 cent stamp, the front of the postcard shows a couple embracing. In the note to his wife on the back, Mr. St. Myer promises to write again. Neither of the St. Myers are believed to be still living.

William Goldman, author of the 1973 novel The Princess Bride, could no doubt make good use of such a story. His persistent hero, Westley, is famous for his gentle reprimand of princess Buttercup, who had drudgingly agreed to marry another after hearing of her Westley’s death: “Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a little while.”(1) The correspondence of Mr. and Mrs. St. Myers shows a persistence of a similar vein, though without the satire. The couple is no longer alive, and yet a sign of their love for each other remains, a small indication that they were once among us, whispering again beyond the grave. Our lives wither like the grass of the field, and yet somehow—in memories, in hearts, in small signs around us—the love we leave behind endures.

King Solomon observed what seems to pull at our hearts between the lines of a lost postcard. “For love is as strong as death,” he recorded in the Song of Songs, itself a testimony to his words. The New Testament further speaks of such guideposts of the enduring in the midst of a fleeting world. “Where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.... But these three remain: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:8, 13).

In a chapter that has been quoted in wedding ceremonies and read at funerals for centuries, Paul reminds us that love is the greatest mark our lives can leave behind because it belongs as much to eternity as it does to this moment. Even after our faith becomes sight and our hope is fulfilled, love endures, continuing on from the present and into days long after us. In love, as in worship, the present touches eternity, and what is seen in part whispers of the promise that it will one day be even more fully known.

It is a conviction to live with, and for Christians, it is one we are called to live. “My command is this,” says Jesus. “Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13-14). In the lives we reach out to, the hands we hold in times of despair, and in the hearts we vow to love, we leave the indelible marks of eternity. As we would respond to pangs of hunger with food and water, we are called to respond to the cries of a broken world with the love of God, made known at the Cross. Greater love has no one than this. Like a postcard circulating long after our days, the love we write across the lives of others will continue to speak, whispering that God is among us, crying out beyond the grave that could neither silence nor contain Him.

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The love of my son Joey has definitely left the indelible mark of eternity on my heart... Thank you Lord for the gift of LOVE that would not be ours had it not been for YOU!!!

[no40corysmom]

Claudia, that was beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing........I am going to share it with many people myself.

Blessings,

julie

[Kelly]

Hello!

Could you take a moment out of your days and elect Beyond Indigo for the spotlight program for American Express? You have to register but then you can vote for us. We need 50 nominations by tomorrow night Midnight!! If we win then we receive 100,000 dollars which I want to put towards a site administrator for this website. Can you please help and pass the word to the others?

Just go to http://shinealight.ivillage.com/, click nominees and type in Beyond Indigo and our name will pop up. The direct link to the page is here at

http://shinealight.ivillage.com/nominees/?PerPage=10&Order=&x=0&y=0&Search=Beyond+Indigo.

Let's shoot for 50 plus nominees by tomorrow night! Thank you for your help.

Kelly Baltzell

Founder

Beyond Indigo

[4everjoeysmom]

Julie and ALL, Just wanted to say that I am just about ready for my journey. Finishing up my packing now. I'll be sure to carry all of your pearls of wisdom and light with me through this special wedding journey, and I look forward to sharing when I return. The wedding is Oct 17, but going to spend some time with family first. My daddy is turning 70 on Oct 8. What an amazing year!! The only thing missing is Joey...

Love and blessings!! ~Claudia

[no40corysmom]

Have a safe and wonderful journey Claudia.....May your light shine on everybody you come in contact with.   I can't wait to hear all about it!!!

Julie

[msroderskie]

Hello Claudia. So you will be spending time in the States!  Lord, please give Claudia and her family safe travel and joyful fellowship together.  Please touch everyone in Claudia's family with the wonder of your mercy and grace.  AMEN.

Can't wait to hear about your trip and the wedding!

Rody

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Julie, Rody and Everyone!!

Well, I made it back home (to Ecuador) from the wonderful stateside wedding journey. My 5 weeks was so packed full of activity, I'm STILL trying to catch up to where I feel somewhat rested.

I started out with a 2-day stop in Raleigh, NC, to pick up some things I had boxed up at my friend Amanda's house. I stayed with her the entire time I was in Raleigh--before and after the wedding. Amanda's great!! She's a Sister from my first NC church home, where Michael and I attended shortly after we married, and she's been here to Ecuador 3 times to visit since we've moved here.

After the 2-day collection of clothes and essentials I needed for a somewhat chillier Illinois trip, I headed out to see family. I spent the first five days with my mom. We had such a wonderful time together. One day we stayed in our pajamas all day, and I gave us both pedicures, as we talked for hours. While there I also went with her to visit her husband (Greg) who come-February has been in a home for dementia for 2 years. I went a 2nd time during my 2nd stay with mom. I was very blessed and pleased to witness how well he did on those two visits. He was so happy to see me, and even remembered days later that I had been there. THAT was special!! And it made mom so happy. God was definitely shining down his grace during those days...a true gift for us all to treasure.

I spent about ten days total with my dad, who turned 70 during this trip. I also celebrated my 46th at his house, with my son Patrick and Joey's best friend Brett as dinner guests. It was such a joy to have them around me to help celebrate. We laughed and reminisced about Joey some, which ALWAYS feels good to do.

I did spend some time at Patrick's house, although not as much as I would have liked. He and his young bride are very career oriented, and it was the beginning of harvest season--a very busy time for Patrick. He is a GPS technician and works with farm equipment (tractors and the like) that are fed via satellite through their base stations for greater technology in planting and harvesting. The tractors practically man themselves these days--amazing!!

I got to see a few old friends while in IL. I went out one evening to hear a friend sing--voice like an angel. I visited another dear friend of mine, whose daughter Lydia incidentally had surgery last night to replace her shunt (born with CP and Encephalitis). We spent a couple of hours talking about the Lord, our lives, and found a wonderful ministering to our souls that the Lord did in that time. God is so good!!

After the tearful good-byes with my family I headed back to NC. I was so blessed to get to have a lunch date to meet two BI moms--Sonya and Terry. We had a wonderful time sharing our hearts and talking about the full lives our children had lived despite their leaving us at young ages. What a blessing to have had that time with them!!

I got to do a little bit of shopping while there--bought a couple of sets of decent sheets and some drapes for my bedroom, the ones with the built in grommets, no hooks needed. I also packed up a few older things that I had stored for Joey at one time and hadn't had the heart to get rid of yet--like a comforter and blanket, a couple of small rugs, and small essentials for the home. Those things really added a lift to our place here, and when I look into the rooms where these things now are, it feels more like home. That may sound trite, but it helps to ease a little bit of the gap I feel being so far from my family and all that I have known most of my life. And to think that I am using things that Joey might otherwise be using now brings a little bit of comfort. Gifts from God to my broken heart...

Some folks in our NC home church had a bonfire one night and about 30 people came. It was a nice, chilly night for a bonfire. We cooked hotdogs on sticks and had all the fixins. I wound up with marshmallow all over my jacket, somehow, but they sure tasted good roasted on the fire. That night is a treasure to cherish!!

We had a dinner invite with some other church family members, East Indian Food, which was wonderful. I'm proud of Michael for enduring, as he generally does not do spicy food.

The wedding took place the weekend of the 17th at the coastal Outer Banks of NC. The kids rented an apartment with a kitchen for Michael and I and Patrick's dad and step-mom. We went out there on Thursday the 15th. Debbie (Pat's step-mom) and I cooked up a spread for Friday's rehearsal dinner that everyone enjoyed. It was fun to spend that time cooking with her, and more fun watching everyone eat it. I decorated the tables and brought candles, leftover flowers and stuff from a luau party I had gone to the previous weekend, and had a lot of fun making up the apartment to look nice for the kids' rehearsal BBQ. I also displayed Joey's memorial, so it would feel like he was with us, sharing in the fun. We had a mess of ribs, burgers, steak kabobs, coleslaw, fruit salad, potato salad, pasta salad, venison summer sausage with cheese & crackers, and a choco-fudge cake for Patrick and a French Vanilla with Strawberry for Nikki. After everyone went about their night, Patrick stayed with us to honor the tradition of the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding. His dad (Randy) had bought 6 different bottles of micro-brew beers. So the 5 of us sat around with small glasses and cracked all 6 open to share and sample. Patrick doesn't generally drink, and so we had fun and teased a little bit about calling the evening his official bachelor party.

The next morning was busy. The girls were all out getting their hair and nails done. I had brought some French Toast flavored coffee, and so had made up some latte's and brunch-to-go to be sent over to them. I went over a little later to take some pictures of their spa event. What fun they were having!! About 2 hours before the wedding Patrick received a crisis text from Nikki, saying that the flowers had been delivered and they were all wrong. NOT what you want to have happen on your wedding day!! SO I had showered already, but had not gotten dressed for the wedding yet. No hair, no make up! But I threw on half sweats-half jammies and went over to the Inn, where their wedding was going to take place. Apparently the lady who owns the flower store sent them over and them left town. So when the kids called, she essentially said they had to deal with the problem themselves. Let me tell you, I just couldn't believe someone who calls herself a Christian business could do this to people on their wedding day. Needless to say, my instincts took over and I just started tearing the bouquets apart myself. By the time I was done, there was a tall kitchen trashcan FULL of added greenery that was specifically NOT requested for the bouquets. In fact, Nikki said NO GREENERY on the order. An assistant to the flower lady showed up about midway through, and so I explained and shunned her poor excuses, and basically directed her to take the men's boutonnières back and DO SOMETHING presentable with them. I would handle the rest. After an hour plus of that, the flowers looked as Nikki had wanted--and I kid you not, I had to cut many thorns from the rose stems that the girls were supposed to carry!! I won't even go into how I would have handled the matter with the store owner later, but she got off easy, as Patrick only omitted $100 from her $400 bill. With less than an hour to spare before the photographer showed up, I raced back to my apartment to get dressed and do my hair and make-up. Not at all how I planned my day. LOL! But isn't it God's way to give us that extra boost when we need it. I made myself up pretty well in that short time, and everyone else laughed. They are always joking about how intense I am. Well, this was one day when they were really appreciating my intensity. LOL!

The wedding was beautiful. My husband Michael officiated the ceremony, which was very special. The ceremony was outside, in front of the Pamlico Sound. It was cloudy and chilly, but the warmth from Love kept us in awesome spirits. The ceremony was sweet and lasted about 15-20 minutes. They poured sand as a symbol of unity rather than light candles, which worked out well (planned) b/c of the wind. The photographer took lots of photos afterward, and then we all went over to the very nearby Hatteras Lighthouse for more photos. About midway through that, I went back to the Inn to see about the dinner, and to arrange for our time after dinner to be spent in the theater room instead of outdoors where the kids had initially planned. It was pretty cold outside after night came, and with the wind and all. Everything worked out well with that.

I had a little memorial table set up for Joey just behind the dining table. There were only ten of us there for the event, so it was sweet and wonderfully intimate. We did the celebratory toasts and cake, etc. My friend Amanda had sent with me as a gift to the newlyweds and beautiful non-alcoholic champagne that had a label with the Hatteras Lighthouse on it. How apropos and such a beautiful gesture, I thought. Nikki choked after a first swallow. We all laughed. She's a little fussy and didn't care for it much, but was a good sport. Patrick, on the other hand, loved it!! He drank the other half of the bottle and enjoyed every drop. That's my boy!! The cake was key lime flavor with a wonderful butter cream frosting. It had brown sugar crystals around it that looked like sand and was topped with two white Adirondack chairs. Cute!! And Nikki brought this little gnome with her (who had apparently been brought along on their planning trip in March). He got his photo taken while seated in one of the Adirondacks, as well as with the happy couple during their beach photos. Too cute!! It was a beautiful day and evening!!

That night I went back to our apartment, and after everyone had washed and gone to bed, I stayed up thinking about the day, all that led up to it, and how very much I wished that Joey had been there. I'm pretty sure that was normal to do. I spent a few hours (well into the morning) dismantling all of the decorations and packing things up for our journey onward later that morning. I did get some sleep, but it was light and heavy with mixed emotions. I cried a bit that day, especially after our trip over to the Inn to say good-bye to Patrick and Nikki. I hate that good-bye every time I am faced with it. I feel he's all I got left in this world. I know that's not exactly true, but he's my only baby left here. I still had several days in NC and much to do to prepare for my journey home, so it wasn't really until after I was home in Ecuador for a few days that the deep sadness really hit me. God has been so good, and I was able to carry myself well through everything, despite the bittersweet. But after I slowed down and had a chance to absorb the highs and lows of emotion of the past week, I crumbled--cried a lot, looked through photos a lot, and wished a lot... Thank you Lord for holding me up!!!

Anyway, I just want to say thank you to all of you who prayed for me, rooted for me, and were there to encourage me about the wedding. It was amazing and yet still a little sad. And Julie, I know you know what that felt like. I admire you for having gone through that and shared with me your heart before I too would go through these moments with Patrick. The moments I shared with him before he got married, tying his tie and wishing so badly that his Best Man was there--it was only by the grace of God I didn't break down right there. I love him so much, and I would have given anything in that moment to make his day complete. We all felt the void. Randy asked Michael to include Joey's name in the prayer before we ate dinner at the wedding reception... That was special. I think those two men shared many a special moment, talking about that void. You know how guys are. they just don't open up too much. And so I am glad they had each other. I married two good men in my life. I'm blessed to have one as my friend and one as my husband. It's rare, and I treasure that! Another gift from God above...

So I'll close now and share a few pictures. Thanks again, and God bless you, My Sisters and Friends!!

Always, 4everjoeysmom ~Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Me and my sweet Boy!

[4everjoeysmom]

The Bride and her Girls!

[4everjoeysmom]

Me and my Sweetie!

[4everjoeysmom]

The Awesome Cake!