Lost my wife.

[Shinka]

KMkm, I'm quite relieved to read this because your last posting got me a bit worried. I work on a ward like the one you got admitted to, so I can relate both to what brought you there, and how it might give you the protection and stability you need now. Please don't give up, because really, life is precious even when it hurts like hell. 

[KayC]

I am so glad you let us know what happened and that you are okay.  My prayers are with you!

6 hours ago, KMkm said:

I love my wife and I want her to see what I would have done with her if she was still here.

And this is great incentive.

On 3/19/2023 at 2:29 PM, KMkm said:

I hope everyone finds the strength to keep loving life.  Days might get hard but it doesn't mean that it's not worth it.  Just reach out for help.  Everyone needs help at some point.  Stay strong my friends.  Have a great day...don't look too far ahead.  Take care everyone.

Such sage advice to keep in mind!

[RichS]

8 hours ago, KMkm said:

  I hope to continue posting my journey on this thread so others can read my words and relate as their journey starts

Glad to hear that you're feeling better and that you're on the road to recovery. Don't forget that all of us are on this board to help and comfort you and each other. Keep on posting when you can. Our prayers are with you.

[KMkm]

I feel as if I'm back at day 1.  I am not eating right and expecting to feel Ok.  I want to eat but I feel like eating is a reward for the strong.  I know I don't make the best decisions.  I believe I rely on people to help me but in the end I don't seem to be helping myself.  This journey does have its waves of highs and lows.  I will try to stay positive, eat right, be happy and fight for each day.  In all honesty I feel like I'm dragging my limp body through life instead of walking.  I made a promise that I will be here for my kids.  It hit me hard when my son and daughter told me how scared they were that I was in the hospital, and they thought I was going to die like Mom.  It really hurt to know I let this happen cause I wanted to be with her more than my kids.  I feel selfish and not deserving of being here but I am and I will try harder to enjoy what life has in store.  No matter if it's good or bad, I still have to enjoy what is in store for me.  Maybe this is my trial to overcome so I can see that being alive is a blessing not a curse.  Stay strong my friends.  We are all here so why not help each other spiritually, emotionally and financially.  Each one of us can accept help or offer help cause we are family.

[Gail 8588]

KMkm, 

I am so sorry you are in this dark place.  I think I was in a similar dark place for a long time after my husband died. 

I struggled to just go through the motions of living. I had 2 grown sons, who I knew loved me and wanted me in their lives. But it wasn't enough to make me want to live. Even holding my newborn first grandchild brought no joy.  I was just numb. Not really alive. 

In the back of my brain I held on to one thought:  Hundreds of thousands of humans lose their spouse every year.  It is impossible that they remain in this level of pain for the rest of their lives.  They must have somehow "gotten better".  If I can just go through the motions of life and keep this body alive, I will "get better" too.  

And I did.  

Please keep putting one foot in front of the other. Drink a powdered shake instead of meals if you need to. ( I drank a lot of Lean 1 protein shakes) I also ate a lot of frozen dinners.  But just keep yourself going.  Keep in touch with your kids.  

You will find your way back to life.  My life is now real. I get excited about upcoming events. Delight in my grandkids growth. I still miss my husband, but I feel him here with me everyday.  

Life is good. Hang on to the knowledge that you can and will get back to feeling alive. 

Gail

 

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, KMkm said:

I believe I rely on people to help me but in the end I don't seem to be helping myself.

It'll come.  It hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things, right now be very patient and understanding of yourself and do incorporate people to rely on.  I'm glad you have the kids and that they care, that's great incentive...

[KayC]

So many people have been hounding me about moving, but I am not ready. Yesterday I felt such an appreciation for my kitchen (it's circular, has lots of room, I love it!) and my bathroom (also big and roomy) and my furniture is 23 years old but it's comfy.  It's ours.  As long as I can keep going here, I will.  And I will weather the storms, even though they're hard.  If I have to stay put until the snow thaws, I will!  But I'll keep blowing/shoveling meanwhile!  And summer is coming and I can complain about the heat then!  

[KMkm]

The lows keep coming.  They make it hard to move.  I know I'm not as strong as a lot of other people and I have realized that a very long time ago.  The thoughts of being with my wife make it hard to be present but it's also that I really don't want to be here.  Even writing those words makes me feel worthless cause my wife and I have two beautiful children.  They need me and I want to make sure they have a good childhood.  I'm still relatively young which makes me feel worse cause it will probably be another 40 years til I'll see my wife again.  I bet by that time she would have gotten sick of seeing me sad and not doing what I'm supposed to.  I wish society wasn't just about money so I could just volunteer or help others but I have to work to provide for my family.   Maybe my legacy is to make sure everyone knows how great my wife was.  

[RichS]

38 minutes ago, KMkm said:

my wife and I have two beautiful children.  They need me and I want to make sure they have a good childhood. Maybe my legacy is to make sure everyone knows how great my wife was.  

You and I (and others on this board) are caretakers at this point in our lives. The best way to show our love for our wive's and those who depend on us is to do a good job at it. WE CAN AND WILL SUCCEED........as best as humanly possible. By doing that, instead of expecting a "slap aside the head" (which is not allowed in heaven) from our wives, they will they will embrace us, lovingly for all our efforts. You will be surprised at the things you thought you couldn't do (that your wife did) and can do now. Ask me how I know............

[KayC]

21 hours ago, KMkm said:

I'm still relatively young which makes me feel worse cause it will probably be another 40 years til I'll see my wife again.

That was my thought too, I was 52 (him barely 51) and in my family we live well into our 90s (except my sister who was committing slow suicide with her eating/sitting lifestyle)...I knew I likely had 40 years to live w/o him and that sent me into a panic as it didn't seem possible!  Back to one day at a time.  And every time I started to feel anxious, remind myself and that helps.  I can do today.

So different from when he was alive and we would make plans and look forward to what we'd do together.  It sure changes your perspective when you're alone!  I haven't been camping since he died!  We'd wanted to travel in a motorhome...never even got to buy one!  My son is living our dream with his family, I'm glad, he's not waiting for retirement, he's doing it while he can.  I think something he learned from our situation.

20 hours ago, RichS said:

they will they will embrace us, lovingly for all our efforts. You will be surprised at the things you thought you couldn't do (that your wife did) and can do now. Ask me how I know............

Yes.  I know George would not be disappointed in me, it's not how he was, ever!  He always understood me and loved me and I know he does still.  Caring/understanding, even at my mistakes and pain.

[KayC]

Yesterday my tree guy stopped by to check on me, it was so nice to think someone was thinking of me!  He said he was going to keep me in my place as long as he could!  He's getting close to 60 but you'd never know it, boundless energy, he's my go to guy for firewood, roof/gutter/chimney cleaner, tree checker/faller/limb-er.  The one who does my burn piles (I don't like fire) and does mine and my neighbor's at the same time as my neighbor has a flat yard whereas mine is steep (I pay and pick up limbs in my neighbor's yard so it's a win for both of us).  
But all this helped me get back into TODAY and not worry about having to move, which it seems everyone is shoving on me.  As long as I can keep shoveling snow, I will.  So far this 70 year old lady is still keeping up!  One day at a time.

[KMkm]

I realize life is to precious to waste but for some reason all I want to do is help others.  Like this is why I'm here.  I don't want to relax or enjoy things.  I just want to spend my life helping since it seems that a lot of people just want to be rich and spend money on dumb things rather than helping each other.  My goal is to show my kids that helping is better than spending money on things they don't need.  All my friends want boats, big houses, ATVs or UTVs, big trucks or fast cars.  While people are starving, homeless or barely making enough to live.  Society has become sickening to watch as rich people get richer.  I believe my wife was called to heaven so I had no choice but to take this road.  I won't promise I will be here for a long time because I don't know how long I can keep going but I will help as many people as I can.  Stay Strong my friends.  

[RichS]

By committing to serving others and being there for your kids, you HAVE A PURPOSE for your life. That in itself should be incentive to keep moving forward with your life. Years from now you’ll look back and realize that your satisfaction will far exceed the material things that your friends now embrace. You’ll have made this world a better place; while their possessions will have outlived their usefulness  and/or fail to bring them the same satisfaction as they once did. You’re doing God’s work, they aren’t.

[Gail 8588]

KMkm,

Wanting to help others is admirable and can help us to find meaning in our lives. 

Remember that giving your children a safe and secure home is helping others too.  They are grieving the loss of their mother.  They need your support more than ever. 

Maybe you can do charitable work together as a family,  like a river or lake clean-up day, taking trash out to help the environment. April usually has lots of "clean up" activities associated with Earth Day.   Volunteering at a thrift store or soup kitchen may be something you can do together as a family. 

Start small, so you don't get overwhelmed. The second year of grief can be harder in some ways than the first year.

Together, you and your kids will find a way forward.

Gail

[KayC]

@KMkm I think that's admirable and you will find fulfillment in helping others rather than squandering it on things you can't take with you in hopes it'll somehow fulfill you, yet never does, the elusive search of most's dream...

[KMkm]

I'm grateful to live near hundreds if not thousands of lakes and rivers.  Most of us take pride in our environment and honor nature.  My wife always picked up garbage by the side of the road every spring.  I try to help out others as best  I can.  The things I do to help others never lessens the pain I feel.  I just don't want to feel like this anymore.  I try to be strong, I try to be happy, I try to feel different but nothing works.  I know I'm not strong enough to fight this for years and I can only do what I can.  If it's one more day then at least my kids have one more day.  I don't think I'll be here for years.

[Gail 8588]

KMkm, 

I am so sorry you are in that awful existence of not really being alive, just waiting to die. I've lived there too. 

I do think you will  slowly transition back into being alive.  It does not stay this awful forever.  Just get through today. Keep on enjoying nature and doing some things for other people. Recognize that there is good in the world, even if you can't feel it yet. 

I have made it back to the world, you will too.  It will never be as good as it was when we had our love by our side.  But life is good and everyday I share it with my sweetheart, who I always feel is near me. 

Gail 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, KMkm said:

My wife always picked up garbage by the side of the road every spring.

I do that too, on my walks, but not only in the Spring.  We don't have a lot of litter here, mostly a beer can thrown out or a wrapper to something.  I feel the same as you and your wife, and am glad you have that beautiful nature and all of the bodies of water, we have them here in the Oregon Cascade Mountains too, right now my First Creek sounds like a roaring river!

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It does not stay this awful forever.  Just get through today. Keep on enjoying nature and doing some things for other people.

Yes, right on!

[RichS]

11 hours ago, KMkm said:

I know I'm not strong enough to fight this for years and I can only do what I can.  If it's one more day then at least my kids have one more day.  I don't think I'll be here for years.

As others have suggested, take it one day at a time. That in itself is a coping tool. You do that so that you don't feel too overwhelmed. When you're having a bad day, look into your kids eyes. That should give you incentive to keep going on. Continue to pray and keep posting on this board. None of us are alone. We're here for each other...................

[movingon]

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am so sorry you are in that awful existence of not really being alive, just waiting to die. I've lived there too. 

I do think you will  slowly transition back into being alive.  It does not stay this awful forever.  Just get through today. Keep on enjoying nature and doing some things for other people. Recognize that there is good in the world, even if you can't feel it yet. 

I have made it back to the world, you will too.  It will never be as good as it was when we had our love by our side.  But life is good and everyday I share it with my sweetheart, who I always feel is near me. 

Gail 

@KMkm yes, everything Gail and RichS said... THAT is what you should be doing, recognizing that there is good in the world and finding incentive through your kids you love to keep going on.

[KayC]

30 minutes ago, Gator M said:

When does the melancholy dissipate?

No one can answer that because we're all unique, and so are our journeys/timeline.  It helps to do the grief work, coming here, counseling, reading articles & books, grieving, but also giving ourselves permission to smile and live.

[Gail 8588]

Gator M, 

I felt that way too. I felt I was using up food, water, resources for no purpose. I was just a drain on the world.  I would see on the news that somebody died in a storm or violence and their family was distraught, and I'd think why not take me and let this family have their person who was alive and essential to them. 

In the back of my mind I felt that all the millions of people who have lost a spouse/partner they loved, they cannot possibly live the rest of their lives as a unfeeling, unconnected zombie.  They must somehow get better.  If they can, I can too.  It just took me a long time to get there. 

Gail

[KMkm]

The way I feel about life is that my wife loved living.  I mean she would love going outside in all types of weather and I live in Northwestern Ontario.  She loved music, art, culture and I could go on.  For me....I like working and being useful.  I help others where I can cause my body is built to take a lot of punishment.  I don't eat anything until dinner which I am forced to.  I dont take care of myself at all really.  My existence is to basically work cause I don't want to rest or have fun.  My wife was supposed to live and I go so she could have a great life.  I don't get it and I probably never will.  I will continue to work and help others as well as my family through hardship and I will sacrifice my body in pursuit of a reason why I'm here.  I beg for death but I know I need to be here for my kids.  I won't take my life but I won't rest or relax til my body can't fight anymore. As I said my wife should be here and if there is a plan then I guess it's for me to live in pain and I'll fight the mental pain with physical pain.  One day I'll learn why I'm here...but maybe I'll never know 

[RichS]

You pretty much explained your purpose in this life. My situation is somewhat similar to yours. I have a son who is 35 and somewhat mentally handicapped (he has an IQ of 53). He has no brothers, sisters or relatives that can take care of him in case I die; but I am working on finding a potential guardian(s) for him.

I’ve had your thoughts about why I’m still here and not Chris because she would have been the better parent because of her motherly instincts. Most of us guys seem to lack in that department. Unfortunately, Chris lacked the overall good health, which I seem to have.

Yes, someday we’ll all hopefully receive answers as to why certain “unfair things” happened during our lives. I’m betting that everyone on this board has at least a few things written on their notepads to ask God when their time arrives. In the meanwhile, know that the walk that you walk every day is similar to the walk that everyone on this board walks as well; though our journey may be somewhat different.

God works in strange and mysterious ways and we don’t know why cause we’re still down here. Keep running the good race. Our kids need us to.

 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, KMkm said:

My wife was supposed to live and I go so she could have a great life. 

That may have been your plan but why would you think she could have a great life without you in it...then she'd be the one here and believe me, she'd be missing you.  Instead you're giving her the best gift one could...the one of taking on the pain of missing them instead of them going through it.  At least that's how I look at it.  My one consolation in George's death is at least he is spared this.

I hope and pray someday you are able to enjoy something in life...it's not here to punish you with work, but to find what good there is while you're at it.  Again, how I look at it.

2 hours ago, RichS said:

I have a son who is 35 and somewhat mentally handicapped (he has an IQ of 53). He has no brothers, sisters or relatives that can take care of him in case I die; but I am working on finding a potential guardian(s) for him.

Oh Rich, and I hope you do.  Maybe a foster care place that will take care of him, and you can have him stay with you on weekends?  It might be a way of easing him into it.  A friend of mine just did that, it's very hard taking care of them 100% of the time in old age, but then again, it's hard placing them with someone too, but having those visits means a lot to her.

[Gail 8588]

7 hours ago, RichS said:

. . . I’ve had your thoughts about why I’m still here and not Chris because she would have been the better parent . . . 

 

10 hours ago, KMkm said:

. . .  My wife was supposed to live and I go so she could have a great life.  I don't get it and I probably never will. . . .

KMkm and RichS,

I also cannot understand why God would take my husband and leave me here. He contributed so much more to the world and to everyone he touched than I ever could. I was his support and comfort, which was good and important, but he was the person who made a positive impact on everyone he met.  

I have never been able to understand, and I don't think I ever will, why he was taken first. 

Gail

[Scott56]

I would lose my mind if I dwelled on the why. There is no understanding certain things, we have to accept them and move forward the best we can to honor our loved ones memory. 
If I had passed first I believe my Chrissy would have continued on in her own spectacular fashion while grieving. I try every day to be the best I can be, I fail sometimes but I never give up. She is watching how I handle this , I can’t let her down.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Scott56 said:

I would lose my mind if I dwelled on the why.

Sometimes I don't think there IS an answer to that.  

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Sim7079 said:

However I do hope that some answers will be clear maybe not here on earth, but when we are together again  with our loved ones in heaven. 

I've no doubt they will...and by then it'll be a moot point as we're together again!

[KMkm]

Sometimes I do feel like what's the point if we will die someday.  Is there a point to try and be happy?  I actually don't want to be happy.  Why should I, even though I have two beautiful kids.  I don't need to be happy to raise them and teach them to be good.  If there are no answers than I don't need to be here to wait for them.  If I beg and plead for this to end is it not my decision and right to give up.  I worked for 10 years and my wife had to tell me to take a vacation.  She had to tell me to stop working and relax.  She isn't here so I guess I don't need to stop cause if there was some sort of plan for me to live a long life it died when my wife did.  Maybe one day I'll feel differently but for now I will take care of my kids, that's all I'm here for.  

[RichS]

Taking care of your kids is your purpose. Part of all of us died when we lost our partners.  Our children deserve to be raised in a happy environment. Unfortunately, I did not grow up in that environment. Both of my parents constantly fought. Looking back, it would have been better for all of us if they separated before I became a teenager, maybe sooner than that.

Kids observe us a lot more than we think. They love us. And because they love us, their emotions are tied to us, just like ours we’re tied to our parents. That’s part of a child’s dependency on their parents; so yes, that is important. Believe me, there are days that I feel like just going through the motions, but I know my son has his  eyeballs on me, and his antenna raised.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, KMkm said:

I actually don't want to be happy.  Why should I, even though I have two beautiful kids.

Honestly, your kids are learning from you, how you handle things...here is a consideration:

Smile Permission

7 hours ago, RichS said:

Looking back, it would have been better for all of us if they separated before I became a teenager, maybe sooner than that.

I feel that way but I would have been raised by my mom then and we likely would not have made it out alive!  

[Scott56]

I look for things that make me feel good. I don’t think about happy or sad . Feeling good is enough for me. When I walk out of the gym , take a motorcycle ride, finish a  guitar lesson, help a friend or neighbor or finish making a good dinner I feel good because I have done something that matters. I find also that talking on this forum helps me because I can go back and see what has changed . I am told that journaling is a great tool , haven’t tried that yet.I have extreme sad moments very often , I sit with it until it passes and get on with my day. Overall things are getting better because I am trying to get better. I want Chrissy to see that I am doing all I can to carry on. 

[KayC]

37 minutes ago, Scott56 said:

I want Chrissy to see that I am doing all I can to carry on. 

And I'm sure she does and is proud of you.

While they are proud of all of our efforts, I think they know what we're going through is hard.  Talking about it prior to death (what if one of us died...) is vastly different from going through it.  I had no idea how slamming it'd be!

[Scott56]

I never imagined this and we never discussed it . This is the worst thing I have ever experienced, I am simply trying to make the best out of a horrible situation.I refuse to be a victim, I had a fantastic woman by my side for 28 years. I had it better than lots of people then  and there are people now in  worse situations than I am. None of this is easy, I am just trying to stay positive , be a role model for my kids and lead a healthy useful life.My thinking was that maybe someone would be inspired to continue forward once they saw it was possible.

[movingon]

5 minutes ago, Scott56 said:

None of this is easy, I am just trying to stay positive , be a role model for my kids and lead a healthy useful life.My thinking was that maybe someone would be inspired to continue forward once they saw it was possible.

Thank you for sharing that, your positive words do matter and give inspiration !

[KMkm]

That's the issue I have with writing and telling people how I feel.  The grief makes me feel like I'm whining and looking for sympathy.  All I want is the pain to stop.  All I want is someone to tell me that I can rest and leave this world.  Someone to raise my kids in a happy environment with support and love.  If I could just work, that's it.  Just work and send money to my kids.  I told my wife that I won't be able to do this.  I'm not capable of fighting through emotional pain.  I run and hide or work to keep my mind off it til I'm too exhausted to feel.  I tried counseling and all it does is give me tools to get through this.  I don't want to.  I thought I did but I really don't.  I'm basically screwing my kids up by being sad so sooner or later I either start to feel happy or I give up.  I gave the last 15 months my best shot and I know it's a journey but maybe I'm supposed to give up.   Maybe the journey my kids have to face is to lose both of us.  I watched my kids go through this and they are very strong and resilient.  I hope people realize that just because I give up deloesnt mean they should.  Life is precious.  

[KayC]

Never give up.

[DWS]

3 hours ago, KMkm said:

That's the issue I have with writing and telling people how I feel.  The grief makes me feel like I'm whining and looking for sympathy. 

Your mind and your heart has a need...maybe even a determination...to express and release your sadness and anger. In my view, that's not whining, that's survival! For so many of us here, part of our grief is feeling we need to put a cap on it, bottle it up and show the world how resilient we are...and when we see how difficult it is for us to do that, we end up getting mad at ourselves. What would be best is that we turn that around and remind  ourselves quite blankly..."I am bearing a significant, life-changing loss. It's unfair. This wasn't in my plans. This sucks. I hurt because of it". 

3 hours ago, KMkm said:

Someone to raise my kids in a happy environment with support and love.  If I could just work, that's it.  Just work and send money to my kids. 

Your grief is the love you have for your kids' mother. How much more love could be shown to them than what her loss means to you?!  I know everyone's family dynamics are unique and within all that, many of us feel awkward showing emotion other than contentedness....and it's probably not good of me to say it but despite the beauty around you, Northwestern Ontario isn't really an area known for its willingness and openness for sharing feelings...but is there some way that you're able to discuss your continual state of mind with your kids? Have they made it known to you that they're not happy in the environment you're providing or is this something you're convinced is happening? They have love and caring for you. Perhaps they're the ones that can now help you. 

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, KMkm said:

The grief makes me feel like I'm whining and looking for sympathy

Sometimes I get those feelings too, but there is no shame in it. Our losses are enormous and difficult to comprehend, we don't have to show the world how resilient we are. We here have lost our other half, how can we be complete without them? That's how I feel, and I don't give 2 sh#ts what people around me think. When they go through it, most of them will realize it and say, this person is right. It's not an easy journey and anyone who doesn't think so, isn't human. We have to claw our way through what time we have left, I definitely know it's not easy.

[Scott56]

7 hours ago, KMkm said:

That's the issue I have with writing and telling people how I feel.  The grief makes me feel like I'm whining and looking for sympathy.  All I want is the pain to stop.  All I want is someone to tell me that I can rest and leave this world.  Someone to raise my kids in a happy environment with support and love.  If I could just work, that's it.  Just work and send money to my kids.  I told my wife that I won't be able to do this.  I'm not capable of fighting through emotional pain.  I run and hide or work to keep my mind off it til I'm too exhausted to feel.  I tried counseling and all it does is give me tools to get through this.  I don't want to.  I thought I did but I really don't.  I'm basically screwing my kids up by being sad so sooner or later I either start to feel happy or I give up.  I gave the last 15 months my best shot and I know it's a journey but maybe I'm supposed to give up.   Maybe the journey my kids have to face is to lose both of us.  I watched my kids go through this and they are very strong and resilient.  I hope people realize that just because I give up deloesnt mean they should.  Life is precious.  

KMkm I don’t think anyone here is judging you and you certainly aren’t whining. We have all suffered a life altering loss that we weren’t prepared for. At times it is as if a hurricane has come through and stayed. I sometimes go into basic survival mode and do only the things I need to do to live . Other times I look forward to doing something and am actually relaxed and comfortable. I can only speak for me on this , things in general are getting better/ easier a tiny bit at a time. I can look at a picture of Chrissy and smile at the beautiful person she was and talk about her with my kids or friends. Instead of falling apart now I mostly just tear up a little and get a lip quiver.

You have come a long way and endured more than anyone should, if you were weak you would have crumbled by now. I recently found a widow/widowers group that is really helping. If there is nothing like that for you there reach out to someone you trust and respect and talk to them. 

[Deborah_M]

13 hours ago, KMkm said:

  Maybe the journey my kids have to face is to lose both of us.  I watched my kids go through this and they are very strong and resilient.  I hope people realize that just because I give up deloesnt mean they should.  Life is precious.  

KMkm:  I'm so sorry for your loss, you are a young man with small children. That is hard to carry. We all feel the same way you are feeling...We just want the pain to go away.  For myself I struggle with the ups and downs every day, sometimes I'm lucky and every now and then I get what I call a happy day...free from the pain of loosing my husband of 36 years and loosing my oldest son, both within a two week period.  I fight everyday to stay in this world, Why?  because I still have two children (who are grown) but  would be torn apart if I decided to Check out of this world.  

I lost my father when I was 4 years old...I'm now 71.  My brother who I am very close to calls me every other day, the last time we talked my brother said he wondered what our lives would have been like if our father had lived. (he died from lung cancer)  We will never know...I can tell you your kids would be asking each other the same question.  I could write a book on how my life changed after our father passed away, and it wasn't for the better.  but that is a story for another website, not hear.

I lost my son first...he was 48 years old...he loved his children just as I'm sure you love your kids.  I know it is hard to think of how they would be better off if both you and your wife were gone.  They are grieving the loss of their mother and if something happens to you their grieve will be double.

I really don't think you sound like the kind of person that could let that happen to them, so what do you do with your own pain?  It SUCKS with a Big "S".  I'm faced with the same decisions day in and day out.  Some how we have to go on...others depend on us.  If I had no one the decision would be so easy, but I can't do that to my loved one...cannot give them the same pain I have daily.

Everyone here is like a big family, we share our hearts with you and grieve with you when you are down and offer a helping hand when you need one.  I have made some good friends here they always listen and offer words of comfort and hope.  We will get though this together.  Lean on us when you are not strong, put your faith in Gods hands. Our Heavenly Father will guide you through this. My prayers are with you and your children.  God bless you!

~ Deborah

[KMkm]

I just feel like my kids need a care giver who can do more than sit and do nothing.  I make meals, clean and make sure they have nutritious lunches and do well at school.  When it comes to having fun well I'm not good at that.  I will either make it or not.  I can't promise I'll be here for any amount of time but no one can save me from myself.  I hope others have more strength than I do.

[Scott56]

You seem to be doing all that you are supposed to be doing. Going to work and maintaining a household is two full time jobs. Kids usually make their own fun , except for the occasional local trips on a weekend we were always responsible for our own fun. I think you are being very hard on yourself and don’t see that you are doing a good job. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, DWS said:

Your grief is the love you have for your kids' mother. How much more love could be shown to them than what her loss means to you?!

Beautifully stated!

 

8 hours ago, KMkm said:

When it comes to having fun well I'm not good at that.

Maybe that will come later or maybe they will have a sitter or teacher that brings fun into their lives, but you are there for them.  Just don't give up, they truly need you, and I don't you don't realize it yet, that will come, but YOU need you!  Give it time.

18 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

If I had gone first he might have struggled & so my one consolation is that he was spared that and also this pain & sadness xx

Feel the same.

[KMkm]

I just don't want my kids to suffer from.my mistakes.  Like I've said I wad scammed out of all my money which I'm trying hard to work towards getting back but I doubt I will.  They need not suffer from anymore of my dumb mistakes.  One day I'll force myself to decide if I am going to be here or not.  I just don't know when that day will come but it won't be too soon.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, KMkm said:

Like I've said I wad scammed out of all my money which I'm trying hard to work towards getting back but I doubt I will.

I was also by someone I've dubbed Con John, been 15 years ago, still paying.

Aww, sad to say but lesson learned, I was deep in the throes of grief, brain not alive and working...at least you still have some semblance of hope, and I hope with you!

[RichS]

10 hours ago, KMkm said:

I just don't want my kids to suffer from.my mistakes.

You'll have to stand in line if you feel that way. We've all been there. I mentioned this once before on a post:

"BETTER MISTAKES OF ERROR THAN MISTAKES OF INDIFFERENCE."

Hang in there. We're all here for YOU and each other.

[KMkm]

I can work hard but grief is different for everyone.  The pain in my head and heart sometimes makes me feel like I can't take it.  Pills and talking don't help and I just really find myself thinking about myself and no one else.  When that happens I feel worse cause my kids do need me but like i said the pain is sometimes unbearable.  Many of you want to be happy and find reasons to live.  I don't.  I'm done wanting to be happy or find something to live for.  I don't care anymore.  Why do I need to find happiness when it can be ripped away from me again to just have to go through this again.  I'll work til the day I die.  My kids will grow up with or without me.  Time still passes and the world keeps going.  I don't want or need to relax or have fun, all I'm going to do is work and hopefully die suddenly.  I know that sucks and I'm a awful person to put all this on my kids and family.  Nothing will change unless I want to change....I just don't want to.

[KayC]

I'm sorry, KMkm, I understand what you're saying, I guess I look at it differently, that I don't want to miss any little bit of happiness I can find, I find it in knowing the world is bigger than I, and nature and my puppy give me that bit of joy I need to continue until God calls me home.  It has gotten tougher the older I've gotten but I'm sticking it out, I want to be joined with my husband again and will chance nothing to ensure that.

It could be that time may change your perspective a bit, I hope so for your sake esp. as it's hard to live wanting to die.